#im a fucking mess and i only have therapy like 30 mins every 3 weeks and she really doesnt help

[lesbianstarlightglimmer]

hey hi guess who wants to die?

my asshole of a father is wearing me thin. i came home at dinner and we always talk about how school went that day and i had my day interrupted countless times by either 1.) my mom getting upset my youngest brother for messing w the cat at the dinner table 2.) my dad yelling at him for same reason 3.) one or both of my brothers ‘jokingly’ complaining about how long me talking about my day is and so on. my youngest brother decided the entire meal he was just gonna ignore what he was told to do and thus got his phone taken away. 

all the yelling and fighting made my other brother stressed so he took a drive through the neighborhood. before we got ready for bed my dad asked him why he was feeling stressed and he said the fighting was stressing him and i chipped in (because it happens every fucking time im home) saying it stressed me out too and how its chaos every time i come home.

my dad informed all three of us we had no reason to be stressed bc we’re not parents and how its ‘optional’ i come home on weekends bc i COULD be forced to pay rent AND THEN he said that the ‘so called chaos you feel when you get home is caused by you’

fuck. you. you worthless abusive piece of shit. ive wanted to die like 7 times this week alone and fridays not even over and this bullshit aint helping. im not the one shrieking at the youngest brother every other second bc hes doing whatever bc he never went through the bullshit i did that made me the timid soldier fucked up ass i am today

you know what? i dont come home for my fucked up family. i come home to get away from school, eat food thats different from the same 5 fucking things they have to eat there that doesnt make me sick, and to see my cats. i cant spend more than maybe 30 mins before i wall myself up in my room until i leave because they stress me out so badly

AND THEN THIS ABSOLUTE BASTARD had the nerve to say how i never thank my mom for doing laundry/cooking/cleaning/etc. OH HO DO NOT GO THERE! whos the one complaining about how the foods not the right temperature or that its not what he wanted to eat or wasnt at the time he wanted? whos the one who gets mad when she gets home from work bc something didnt get done that HE could have done? 

Now whos the one who went 18 years of her entire life not complaining about how much the taste and texture of sausage makes her gag because she was being grateful her mom cooks? You wonder why i only tell my day to mom? its bc u dont give a fuck. i can hear it in the disinterest or how it becomes a life lesson. i say thank you like 4 times throughout a meal and every load she brings in (oh and btw most of the time im doing my own laundry and i would do it at school except i dont have the soap and stuff) i say thank you. they beat it enough into me and yet im still punished because NOTHING i do is enough for them. but yes I’m the selfish prick

and then they had to bring in how im always alone (wow idk my 2 friends from hs were dead ps im not counting skye bc they dont know about her/tumblr for my safety and hers and my hs friends’) and he used the fucking b*st fr**nd bullshit fuck you fuck you fuck you. and then the ‘i want you to get married and have kids’ FUCK YOU!!!!! you wont want me to if i decide to marry a woman!!!!! i dont wanna have kids bc ill fuck them up like YOU DID ME AND MY BROTHERS.

and then he guilt tripped us by saying how ‘we work our jobs bc we’re paying for what? (directed at me).’ “college” i hiss. “dont you spit it through your clenched jaw” Youre fucking lucky you were on the other side of the room motherfucker ooooooooohmygod. Ohoho and when he ‘opened the floor’ once he was done telling us how shitty we are and how hardworking him and my mom are, he asked if i had anything to say. i wanted to spill all of the above but i cant. i dont have a job bc i can barely get out of bed in the morning for school let alone more of a job than i have now

you know at one point i was grateful for them helping pay for college. now its just a burden bc they hang it over my head whenever i show the slightest (and fair) complaint i have like how i come home and everyone just complains about me, makes me do their jobs for them, the youngest hits me (but oh no thats how boys show love right ‘hE sItS iN uR rOoM wHeN yOuRe GoNe’) or otherwise physically or verbally/mentally abuses me.

i need therapy. i have no time no money and my parents obviously dont give a shit about my mental health period. he even had the audacity to ask if it was ‘something they did’ parenting wise. uh you want the list in fucking alphabetical order or by year or...?

anyways this is long and its passed midnight and they placed a baby monitor outside my door to hear one brother for night terrors so ik they can maybe hear me typing so yeah

#don////t re///blog////// #im not actually gonna do anything dont worry too much #im not exaggerating when i say that when fireball and cinder are gone im not coming back #if i could bring them w me id definitly never come bavk #i literally was about to vomit on the carpet bc he was making me sob and god i wanted to punch ihm in his weasel face #im still crying an hour later lmao #im high key tempted to get some tide or something and keep it up at school and not come back next weekend #i dont have to take this lmao #luckily he has work all this weekend bc i cant stand to look at him rn #growls