#im actually upset that i can’t look like this everyday btw

[heartslobbf]

that time of year when i do a gay little cry because i can’t dress like elder vex everyday

#i mean this with every fibre of my being i want to be him #the earring. the oversized dress tunic thingy with the bright floral print. the gay little hat #how does ben do it every time HOW does he manage to embody gay people #im actually upset that i can’t look like this everyday btw #anyways #shut up daisy #this is highkey a vent shsjajjfjf #yonderland #elder vex

[strangelysamantha]

hey, i have a jj maybank request! fem!reader, possible angst!

so basically, y/n is a pogue and gets along with the other pogues (john b, pope, sarah, kiara & cleo) except for jj. y/n is always bright, a total sweetheart and bubbly and jj…hates it.

john b recently opens up a surf board shop on that stranded island that they’re on?? and he leaves y/n and jj alone to polish some boards hoping that they’d get along. jj complains about every little thing y/n does and starts calling her names. she gets really upset and storms out the shop to clear her head. she goes by the water for a swim but a dangerous tide picks her up and jj notices and saves her?? hopefully this makes sense!

the deep end ☆

jj maybank x fem!reader.

warnings: mentions of drowning, jj being an asshole, swearing.

words: 1,674.

summary: jj somehow finds everything you do annoying to the point he criticizes everything you do. john b thinks of a plan that will ensure his two friends will befriend each other. it was working at first, until it wasn’t.

request? yes!

a/n: y’all have such good ideas what the?! thank you for the request! if you enjoyed please like and comment. this is angst with fluff at the end. <3 BTW i am from missouri and have never surfed so i hope i got the polishing of the surfboards correct. :)

my masterlist

——————————————————————————

john b always had a plan, well usually he did. if two of his friends were fighting, he would always find a way to get them to get along. he knew that stranding kiara and sarah on a boat together in the middle of nowhere would force them to fix their friendship. so, with that knowledge, he knew that he could do the same thing with jj and you.

you were always nice to jj, he just seemed to get annoyed with you all the time. you didn’t know what you had done, if you had even done something. he just always felt the need to critique you. it became harder and harder everyday to ignore him.

since washing up on the abandoned island, john b was ecstatic for his brand new start. unsurprisingly to anyone, his first idea for creating a new civilization would be a surf shack. he started building it right away. you would occasionally help, but he was determined to do it on his own so he would always send you away.

“okay! john b what would you like my help with? i can do anything you need. just let me know.” you smile brightly at john b, while he stared at you. “listen, i love you. but, i don’t need your help at the moment. you should talk to everyone else.” you frown at his words, “fine. but you better get me the minute you need assistance.” he nodded. “will do.” and with that, you left joining the others.

jj was talking to cleo before silencing upon your arrival. “hey everyone!” you smile at the group in front of you. “hey! how’s john b?” kiara asked. “i think he is good, he’s actually pretty much done.” you play with the bracelet on your wrist. kiara nods, “that’s great.” pope smiles, “statistically speaking, we can’t ensure that his shack will be entirely safe as he built it all on his own.” you stare at pope. “true… we’ll let’s hope it doesn’t collapse on him.” pope smiled at you, glad you listened to his random fact.

jj groaned. “awe, how sweet pope!! you found a girl who wasn’t disgusted by your weird and useless knowledge.” you gasp in shock, “jj! shut up you are so rude.” jj laughs, “it’s just a joke, why do you always have to be so offended?” you glare at jj. “jj it’s not funny, you’re just a dick.” pope sighs. “it’s okay, don’t worry.” you frown in popes direction. you quietly pull away from the group. you walk to an area of sand, plopping yourself down. that’s when john b approached you.

“hey, remember when i told you i would come get you when i needed help?” john b smiled at you. “yes! do you need my help?” you tilt your head to the side, waiting. he nods. “i need you to wax up some of the boards i made.” you nod. “okay! sure.” he walked you to his shack, helping you set up. you began waxing the board, paying attention to the direction and the amount of wax you were applying. john b waits a minute watching you, before he decides to leave.

after a minute, you see jj approaching the shack with john b who held a smug smile on his lips. you shake your head, confused. “friends.” he looked between you and jj. jj held an unamused look on his face. “as my close friends, you will wax these boards for me. you can’t stop until you guys fix whatever feud is going on between the two of you.” john b stands his ground. jj scoffs, “we don’t have a feud.” you nod your head in agreement. “jj is right, his hatred is definitely one sided... it is not a feud.” you laugh softly seeing jj send a glare your way. “yeah okay. whatever guys. just fix it, and if you even try and leave, i’ll send cleo after both of you.” your eyebrows lift in shock. you mutter a quick okay, returning your attention to the board.

jj stares at you, watching you apply the wax. he couldn’t help but get upset. everything you did just made him annoyed. he grabbed the wax, working on the board right by yours. silence falls over the two of you. it’s not awkward or weird, it actually feels quite normal. until jj interrupted it so he could judge you.

“youre doing it wrong. i mean come on.” you stare at jj, “jj please just focus on your own board.” you shake your head, continuing to polish the surfboard. he glares at you. “whatever. just keep doing what you are doing, and then john b or i will fix it after you.” his attention turned back to his board. you rolled your eyes. “i will, thank you.” he breathes in, inhaling the waxy scent. “you are so annoying you know that?” you ignore jj’s words, focusing on the board. he continues, “i mean everything you do. everything you say, it pisses me off.” you nod slightly. “you done?”

“no, actually i’m not.” you bite your lip, fixating on the wax that is spreading along the smooth surface. jj stops waxing the surfboard. you look up to see he is already staring at you. “you know, you act like you are better than us, i mean why do you hang out with us anyway?” jj waits but continues when he realizes you won’t reply. “you are fake, you are so upbeat and bubbly that it’s annoying. you are a double sided two faced bitch who says anything to get in good graces.” you inhale, looking up at him.

“listen jj. we are stranded on this fucking island. TOGETHER. so either drop it and move on, or just shut the fuck up and stay away from me.” you place your hands on your hips, breathing slightly staggered from anger. “everyone speaks so highly of you saying how great you are; but the only jj i’ve met is a total douche. if you hate me so much then just stay the fuck away from me. if you continue you’ll just be wasting your breath and energy anyway.” jj holds back a laugh at your sudden outburst.

“you really think if i had the choice, i would want to be here? especially with you?” jj asked, you already knowing the answer. you stay silent. “exactly. no one can deal with you for that long anyway.” you roll your eyes.

“whatever jj. you win.” you toss the wax to the side, frowning. you don’t turn back to him, you just ignore him. you start to walk towards the beaches seashore. it was getting slightly hot, so you decided to take a dip into the water.

you were salvaging the few moments of freedom you had, before you got john b’s and cleo’s wrath from leaving the scene before mending the friendship with jj. it was practically impossible. what did jj have against you? you tip toed into the water, getting deeper and deeper. you floated at the top of the water; the coolness feeling great on top of your hot skin.

jj truly had the biggest nerve, your mind was overwhelmingly clogged. you felt seaweed scratch against the bottom of your foot, this caused you to jump, your adrenaline levels rising since you thought it was a fish. you try to remain afloat, but the high tide caused the waves to crash right over you repeatedly, being faster and higher than ever. you went above water trying to shout for help, but your mouth was filled, causing no sound to come out. you thrash against the water, kicking to stay afloat. your throat was burning, your legs tired from kicking, and your lungs filled with liquid.

a pair of hands wrap around your stomach, dragging you out the water. you were placed on the warm sand. “shit.” jj stared at you. your head felt light. jj’s hand began pumping your chest, curses falling from his mouth. “come on, just breathe. please.” you cough, the salt water exiting your lungs, and dropping onto your neck. you gasp for air, opening your eyes to be met with jj’s face. you breathe heavily for a minute.

“jj… thank you.” you sit up, pulling him into a tight hug. your hands wrap around his neck, one of them grabbing his hair. his arms held tightly around your waist. his chest was heaving heavily, shaking slightly. “i hate to be so cliché j, but you genuinely saved my life.” he frowns at you. “i almost lost you.”

jj’s confession confused you. “what?” you say softly, your hand combed through his hair. “look. the reason i’m so mean to you, is because i knew that if i was nice to you, my already intense feelings for you would only amplify.” you frown at him. “you’ve had a crush on me this whole time?” jj nodded. you went to talk, but your friends interrupted the moment.

john b rushed to your side, kiara and pope swiftly behind him. “what happened!! we were watching from over there.” john b pointed in a direction farther away. “one minute you were swimming… the next you we’re gone!?” you wipe your neck, trying to dry it off. “jj saved my life. i almost drowned.” you frown, the group in front of you nodded. “im so glad you are okay.” kiara bent down pulling you into a hug. “i’m glad you are safe now too.” pope joined in on the hug; as well as everyone else.

sarah, kiara, and cleo bend down, reaching for your hands. they help you up, dragging you to your feet. they walk you away from the crowd, bombarding you with questions. “so when you were drowning what did it feel like??” you turn around watching jj, you smile slightly before turning to them. “oh get ready for the amount of details i’m going to give you guys.”

possibly a part two…??? not sure yet :) <3 also!! i’m proofreading this tomorrow since i’m not entirely sure if it has errors or not! ily!!

#jj maybank obx #jj maybank #jj maybank x reader angst #fiction #writing #jj maybank x fem!reader #jj maybank fanfic #jj maybank angst #jj maybank imagine #outerbanks fanfics #outer banks imagines #outer banks story #outer banks angst #jj maybank one shot #jj maybank outer banks #jj maybank obx fanfic #jj x fem!reader

[danganronpa-oneshots-headcannons]

May I request how korekiyo, ryoma, soda, and gundham would react to their s/o stealing their hat/scarf <3

☁︎︎~Of course! Here it is! Btw, IM BACK!

☁︎︎~Korekiyo, Ryoma, Kazuichi, and Gundham with a s/o who steals their hat/scarf!

☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~

☁︎︎~Kiyo

•Kiyo never had the problem when it came to people stealing his clothing wear.

•Not a lot of people wanted to due to the fact how intimidating the anthropologist was.

•I mean, he knew it was a human thing to do when two people were in a relationship.

•Clothing in the relationship was frequently shared to his research.

•Does that mean he should start doing that with you?

•He didn’t bother asking. If you wanted to steal his clothing he had no problem with it.

•Once again, it was a normal thing to do.

•He had just came back from work when he had peeked through your guys shared room to see you messing with his hat and mask.

•Bandages were loosely wrapped around your arms while you stood tall in the mirror examining yourself.

•He softly giggled, murmuring to himself of how fascinating you could be.

•Slipping around the door he laughed,

•”Ah my dearest... I see you’ve taken interest in my everyday wear... how about I show you how to actually wrap my bandages?”

•Nodding, you sat down on the bed and let him do his work.

•While he was wrapping the bandages and adjusting the mask, he went on about how hats and bandages came to be.

•He never failed at teaching you things like these.

•When he was done you looked up at him,

•”So your not mad at me for taking your stuff?”

•With a smirk he shook his head,

•”It’s only natural for you to do so my dear. I am your significant other after all.”

•Pressing a kiss to your forehead, the two of you spent the last sun hour talking about history and former times.

☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~

☁︎︎~Ryoma

•One thing Ryoma hates is when people steal his hat.

•It’s one of his most valued things besides his cats

•and you-

•He likes it on his head and on his head only.

•You two are in his room messing around with facemasks, soaps, acne cream, all of that fun stuff.

•Ryoma is 100% down to do these with you don’t get me wrong but…

•This means it requires him taking his hat off.

•He’s hesitant at first saying things like,

•“Are you sure it has to come off? You can’t avoid it?”

•Or,

•“I can push it back if you’d like.”

•Don’t get me wrong, he trusts you and all but it’s HIS hat.

•You sigh and give up, shrugging your shoulders and nodding,

•“I guess you could push it back…”

•Oh god not the pouty face-

•He instantly feels bad.

•Smirking he takes his hat off and places it upon your head.

•“Fine you win. Take care of it for the time being.”

•There’s that smile he loves!

•Watching you adjust it, he feels somewhat vulnerable without it.

•However, he knows you won’t damage it or destroy it.

•God he thinks you’re precious

☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~

☁︎︎~Kazuichi

•As you may know, Kaz needs to tamper with things constantly.

•If he doesn’t have something to tinker with, he’ll go all out to destroying your alarm clock just for him to fix.

•Thankfully he didn’t go after the alarm clock for the 5th time today.

•One of his clients came in with a vehicle that had problems with the breaks.

•Kaz wasted no time on the project and dug straight into the vehicle.

•Getting his tools ready, he took his beanie off and instead tied his hair back.

•Sometimes the beanie was uncomfortable when he was sweating constantly and around hot machines.

•The material constantly rubbed against his forehead leaving a rash.

•So instead he stole some of your hair ties and solved his problem-

•Throwing his beanie on the counter he slid under the car and got to work.

•You were on the couch relaxing and scrolling through the media when you slowly became bored.

•Kaz had been downstairs for about 30 minutes now fixing this damn car.

•Boredom got the best of you and you decided to walk down the stairs to the garage.

•Looking over at Kaz who was still under the vehicle jamming out to the music, you spotted his beanie nearby.

•Taking this chance to put it on, Kaz just so happened to slide out from under the vehicle and stand up.

•Noticing your arrival, he smiled before realizing you were wearing his hat.

•“W-Woah! Y/N! Are you wearing my hat?!”

•“Yeah.. Is that alright?”

•He rushed over to you, quickly embracing you while filling your face with kisses.

•”Of course! You look frickin hot!”

•This man is still not good with words-

•Man thinks you're adorable in it. Whenever he sees you wearing it now, his eyes twinkle with Awh.

☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~

☁︎︎~Gundham

•Just like Ryoma, Gundham hates when people touch his scarf.

•It’s his main clothing piece after all.

•If anything he’s worse then Ryoma.

•No one touches his scarf...

•No one-

•Then again who can blame him? Technically it’s where the Dark Devas Of Destruction are anyways.

•The hamster themselves hate when people go to grab their masters scarf.

•Before you two started dating, you remember him telling you this fact at the very beginning.

•.. and you had no problem with it.

•You were the first person that didn’t ignore his wishes.

•And he was mighty grateful for that.

•You two were at your home, sitting in your bedroom and talking about animals.

•All while your pet P/N sat beside you.

•When you asked about his hamsters, he blushed and tilted away.

•”I-I see... you want to meet them...”

•With a heavy sigh, he nodded, commanding the hamsters to come out.

•One at a time the hamsters head popped out from his scarf.

•They looked at you with unease, not sure if they could trust you or not.

•After 10 minutes of Gundham trying to convince them to come out, they still shook their heads and quivered away.

•Seeing your upset face, Gundham took no time to slip the scarf around your neck.

•You looked at him with confusion.

•He looked at you with eyes full of trust.

•Seeing the hamsters come out from the scarf once again they even had the face of confusion.

•Almost like if they were questioning if their master was alright in the head.

•”It was the only way for my hamster to arise from their hole. Don’t think of it as anything else.”

•Aka,

•”I do really trust you so wear this-“

•Nevertheless, the rest of the night contained you wearing the scarf.

☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~

#ryoma x reader #ryoma hoshi #danganronpa x reader #fluff #headcanons #oneshots #danganronpa #kazuichi soda x reader #kazuichi x reader #gundham tanaka x reader #danganronpa gundham #korekiyo shinguji #danganronpa korekiyo #danganronpa headcanons

[legendofzelda4life]

Timeline Splittees

Alright so this is, once again, day one of me writing and lets see how much or how little it rivals that of “Enchiladas? Really?”

If you’re new here: I write Zelda/LU-themed one shots everyday until the LU AU is updated, it was updated so there was a pause in my posting but now im back bitches. I do take requests and more info about that will be left at the base of this post.

Today, I gift you all something from a request. We got Time’s successors causing hell and im scared but lets go! (btw in this, wind knows about the wolfie secret)

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“Wind, where are you going?!”

“Oi, Sailor, slow down!”

The hero of winds kept running.

He felt so confused, he wouldn’t call it scared but…

“Sailor please, we’re sorry! We just need you to come back to the group!”

“Why should I? All we do is lie!” The boy whirled around to face his chasers. “Y’know I felt really special, thinking I was Time’s only successor! But no…” He looked up at Legend and Twilight.

They both knew why he was upset.

Nobody, not even Time himself, knew he split the timeline other than Legend and Twilight. But they kept it hidden because Legend didn’t want to be appreciated, and Twilight wanted a father figure that was actually related to him.

But they didn’t know Wind, a boy who wanted nothing more than appreciation from his predecessor, was also in the mix.

“You two are actually something Time can be proud of! I’m just a kid, I can’t do what you two can! Fuck me! I sail boats for a living, for Hylia sakes.”  Wind was torn up by this, he now has to compete against Twilight, Time’s descendant, and Legend, a five adventure lookin ass bitch.

That’s not easy.

“You really think we’re something Time can be proud of?” Legend asked, a joking smirk reaching his features.

“Let’s show you exactly why we’re not.” Twilight grabbed Wind’s hand and led him over the rest of the hill.

Their eyes gazed upon the land that was Wild’s Hyrule, ideal for chaos and whatnot.

“What are you two doing?” Wind inquired as the pairing went through their bags.

“Grabbing stuff.” Legend said, pulling out a weird pair of boots and a fire rod. Wind’s eyes wandered to Twilight, who had his hands on an odd looking rod.

The two older boys made eye contact and smirked, sharing a quick chaotic thought.

It actually made Wind kind of scared, seeing the voice of sanity and Mr. Lets-avoid-magic-all-together being the insane and magic using ones.

Legend strapped on the strange boots, picked up twilight, and fucking sprinted to a deactivated guardian stalker, as Wild had taught the boys to call them; they were originally saying “giant octorok with legs” or “skulltula with speed”

Twilight threw a ball of light into the base of the guardian from the rod and Wind watched in horror as it’s head moved and the guardian turned on. Twilight changed into his wolf form and held the dominion rod in his teeth, running alongside the guardian.

Legend’s face became a devilish smirk as he held the firerod down near the ground, readying himself to run. The guardian - and Twilight - got closer to him. The large metal legs were about to stab into Legend but, in a flash, the firerod was trailing along the ground and he was running, cackling with laughter.

Wind could also clearly see the joy in Twilight’s face, even as a wolf. He watched in awe as the two had fun, lightin shit up, burnin shit down, and running like maniacs.

Wind figured he’d join.

Join, meaning he’ll make Legend fall flat on his ass and steal his hat.

And that’s exactly what he did.

“Come back here you little shit!” Legend yelled as him and Twilight chased after the sailor, the three of them laughing as they went.

“Never!” Wind yelled back.

Dun dun denun dun dun denun…

The three stopped immediately and looked at the guardian in front of Wind. It wasn’t the one Twilight triggered.

It was an actual one, trying to kill them…

“Fuck…” The three boys cursed in unison, did a 180, and ran more, dodging lasers as they went.

Yeah, nobody dared to ask why they returned to the stable at 11pm, covered in dirt, ash, and grass while smiling like idiots.

-----------------------------------------

I like how this couldve been so much better but i lost motivation part way through because shit happens lol.

Anyway, i hope you all enjoyed this and hopefully i can have one out tomorrow

Feel free to leave requests. Your requests must include: Characters (2+) Type/genre/category (fluff, angst, etc) Platonic or not

I will write only about Zelda or Lu characters, not whole other fandoms. Willing to do aus or reader/oc inserts

#linked universe #linked universe twilight #linked universe wind #linked universe legend #these boys lowkey chaotic tho lol

[xiaodejunletsact]

8 letters | park jisung

word count: 18,247

genre: highschool!au, baseball player!jisung, a lot of angst and fluff. childhood friends to enemies to friends to lovers lmao

warnings: mentions of bullying, a lot of emotional baggage from jisung’s part, physical fighting, basically lots of high school angst.

author’s note: hey everyone! im finally back from the dead lol, thank you to everyone who has waited to long for this and sent me nice messages, they really encouraged me :) anyway, a couple of things you guys should know before you start are: i tried to make this jisung a lot like real jisung idk if i did but i hope it worked lol and i tried to make as unfiltered of high school experience as you can get. so jisung faces bullying and social pressure in this and the 2000 line and chenle are all the same age as jisung in this. its a long one but i really hope you like it! thank you! (Btw!! this one is for all my 2002 liners who are going into senior year, lets make this year the best one yet!)

synopsis: 4 years ago, you and jisung’s long term friendship came to an abrupt end. now in senior year, the two of you find yourselves being forced together again by your mothers. suddenly, jisung begins to ask himself what is more important: his reputation or you. 

alternatively; 

if all it is is 8 letters, why is it so hard to say?

It had been a long time since you sat at the polished marble table that resides in the Park Household. The mix of colors on the table are weaved with bittersweet emotions as you stare down at them, the spaghetti his mother had served you grew cold as you took in the words your parents were throwing at you.

“We know you guys don’t really get along as well as you used to but the streets are getting dangerous nowadays. Just the other day they jumped a kid from your school!” Your mother says, exasperated. Her eyes were wide as Jisung’s mother nods her head in agreement across the table. The conversation has been going on for a half hour now, despite your clear distaste for the argument.

“I get that, mom. I just don’t see why I can’t just walk to school with Renjun.” She sighs at your words, making eye contact with Jisung’s mother across the table. You tear your gaze away from them to Jisung who scoffs in response to your words. “Is there something funny Jisung?”

“Our moms want us to go to school together so we can be safe, and you want to walk with that twig? He can’t protect you for shit.” He spits out at you, his mother giving him a warning to watch his language before you reply.

“And you can?” He falters momentarily at the sharp gaze you send his way, before shooting one back. Your stare down ends only when your mothers tell you to settle down.

“Jisung has a car now, y/n. It’s safer and you won’t have to take the walk to school every morning… I don’t see why you can’t just do this.” She looks at you with a pleading look, the type she knows you’ll give into. You shift your gaze away from her face and sigh. Jisung speaks up.

“Shouldn’t I have a say in this? It’s my car!” He sounds as frustrated as you feel. His mother laughs.

“Remind me, who pays that car?” This shuts him up immediately, producing a chuckle out of you  while he huffs. Your mothers watch the interaction with a sigh. “Please guys, we just want you to be safe. You guys used to be best friends! How hard can it be to spend 20 minutes together?” 

-

Very hard. 

The air in the car is thick when Jisung picks you up the next Monday morning, the silence between you two is filled with an indie pop album that plays on the radio when you get in. 

The inside of his car smells strongly of cologne, though it’s unfamiliar to you. You figured he started using it after you guys stopped being friends; it wouldn’t be the only thing that has changed while the two of you were apart. Like the bright laughter and easy conversations that one surrounded you two, that is now replaced with thick silence and tension. There’s also Jisung, who seems a lot more mature now, who joined the baseball team and became one of the most popular guys in school or the fact that he has a car and also the fact that he hasn’t talked to you since he told you he didn’t want to be friends anymore at the beginning of your freshman year of highschool.

Even now, you try to figure out what changed. What tables turned in Jisung’s head that caused him to react the way he did towards you. At the time, you supposed it was one of those friendship fallouts you see in movies, where things just don’t work out; that’s what split you two apart. However, you know that wasn’t the case when Jisung arrives the following week to school, contacts replacing his round glasses you loved so much and his arm wrapped around Jessica - the most popular and bitchiest girl in school. You recall the nauseating feeling you got when you saw him; it being the exact moment you realize that things had really changed, that this wasn’t just a friendship fallout, Jisung cut you out of his life so he could start a new one. 

Without you. 

Though it took a while, you began to realize that the Jisung you knew was long gone, no longer will he be fanboying to you about a new video game he’s into or a baseball game he has watched over and over. No longer will he be putting cute sticky notes in your locker. No longer was he your best friend. He was now popular guy every girl in school had a crush on, that wears his hair up and hangs out with the resident school asshole jocks. 

The best thing you could do was ignore it, pretend it didn’t happen by stuffing all of his things deep in your closet and never looking at them again. You occupied your thoughts by making new friends and picking up new hobbies, which led you to Renjun -who helped you through everything and was there for you when Jisung wasn’t. He took your mind off things and kept you busy and although he was your rock and you appreciate his company and friendship immensely, there are still times where you find yourself falling down the rabbit hole of questions and thoughts surrounding the Jisung situation. 

When your mother suddenly starts questioning what happened, where he is and saying that she misses him. You can only shrug as your mood dampens at his mention, rushing to your room and holding down the words that are threatening to escape:

Me too.

Your thoughts are interrupted by the sound of an opening car door, you barely have any time to process the scene in front of you because Jisung is already rushing into the gates of the school. Leaving you alone in his car. 

You watch as he jogs up to his jock friends and becomes one of them. He puts on his baseball jock skin and fits right in like he was never the boy who would sneak into your house when he was feeling lonely. 

He wasn’t anymore.

 You unbuckle your seatbelt and exit the car and walk into school, preparing to do what you do best: pretend it doesn’t matter.

-

You try especially hard to pretend it doesn’t matter as you wait for Jisung outside the school for two hours after the dismissal bell has rung. Your foot taps impatiently on the ground as you send him a 4th text asking him where he is. You can’t help but feel embarrassed; he stood you up, left you stranded on there and is on his way home probably laughing his ass off. 

You were foolish to think he would actually hold up his end of the deal and just be a good human being this once. You sigh and shake your head, trying to brush off the embarrassment off your mind as walk towards the school gates, starting the journey to your house. Trying your best to not think about it until the sound of your shoes against the sidewalk is disturbed by the sound of Jisung’s voice.

“Hey!” 

He’s standing near the entrance of the school, his hair wet, his torso covered is a loose T-shirt, different to the one he was wearing this morning and his chest was heaving like he had been running. You’re too far away to tell if the look on his face is upset or confused. “Where are you going? Get in the car!” You scoff at him and march your way up to him. Pointing an accusing finger at him you spit out. 

“You left me waiting here for nearly 2 hours! I was going home!” Jisung looks at you with a confused expression before shrugging his shoulders.

“I had baseball practice, I thought you knew.” 

“How would I know? I don’t keep up with the baseball team. You didn’t tell me either.” 

Jisung sighs and open the door to the passenger gets side, “Can you just get in so we can go?”

After staring harshly at him for a few seconds, you reluctantly get into the car. Jisung closes the door behind you and you watch as he walks around the car to the drivers side, seating himself before starting the car.

At first you drive in silence, which you figured is better than fighting, until Jisung turns down the radio.

“Since the season is starting, I’m gonna have practice everyday after school for the next few weeks.” 

You nod at his words silently planning in your head what the hell you're going to do at school for 2 hours. Before you can think of a reply, Jisung turns up the radio, signifying the conversation is over. You bitterly settle back into your seat.

-

When you arrive to your street, Jisung pulls into his driveway and just like this morning, rushes out of the car and into his house like you have the plague, without sparing you a word. 

You cross the street from his driveway to your own and look back at his house one last time. The light of his room is turned on now, you can see his silhouette faintly through the curtains as he moves sound his room. You shake your head as you look away, rushing into your house without looking back.

-

Maybe it’s the fact that you’ve interacted more with Jisung in the past two days than to have in the past two years or maybe you were just feeling nostalgic, because there could be no other reason you find yourself reaching into the deepest part of your closet later that night, taking out the box for the first time since you bid that part of your life farewell all those years ago. 

It’s covered in a thick layer of dust that floats through the air as finally bring it out. You take a seat on the floor of your room and place the box in front of you, taking a deep breath before taking out the first item. A handheld mirror. 

You instantly find yourself smiling, the mirror had been a birthday gift from Jisung. You flip it to see the faded words written on the back, that cause your eyes to gloss over: 

“E`````very time you tell me that you hate the way you look, I lose brain cells bc you’re one of the prettiest girls out there. Please see what i see. Happy birthday, y/n - Jisung <3”

You remember using the mirror for practically everything after receiving it, feeling that it somehow made you beautiful. You turn it once again and look at your crying reflection, and you can’t help but think that maybe the effect has worn off after so many years. 

Wiping your tears, you continue to pull out items which mostly consisted of small drawings, key chains and picture frames. The last thing in the box was one of Jisung’s sweatshirts he had given to you a few days before he told you he didn’t want to be friends. You pull it out and examine it, you had worn it many times before he had given it to you but it still had his smell lingering on it. You don't know why but suddenly you’re being engulfed in his scent and your body is covered in warmth, the hoodie wrapping around you feeling so familiar it brings tears to your eyes once again.

You decide that you didn’t care if this was Jisung’s hoodie. It’s your hoodie now and you can wear it whenever you want (of course deep down you know that’s just an excuse to feel close to him once again.) 

Just as you’re about to start putting the items back in the box, you notice an envelope at the bottom of the box. You gasp gently as you pick it up, hands wrapping around the old worn out envelope, thick from all its contents. You spill them onto the floor and feel a tear drop down your cheek as you see all the different colored sticky notes splayed across your floor, all containing motivating messages and small drawings to make you smile. Jisung would give you one everyday and you would give him one in return, although you doubt he has kept his. 

Hundreds of papers that accumulated during the long years of friendship stare back at you. You cry as you read through them; some sweet, others silly and some that made your heart flutter even now. You try your best to stop your tears as wonder how all of these notes that meant the world to you, could cease so easily as if it never mattered. But then again, after the way things played out, you figure it never did.

-

Your interactions with Jisung for the rest of the week consists of nothing bit of small talk and one word responses. Until 4 days later, on Friday morning, Jisung breaks the silence after turning down the radio.

“You know, you should wait by the bleachers after school from now on.” 

His words produced a confused look on your face. The bleachers? You had just found a comfortable spot at a picnic table where there wasn’t many people that you comfortably do homework while you waited for him after school. “Why? What’s wrong with the picnic table?” 

Jisung’s grip tightens on the steering wheel as he searches his mind for a response, “It’s outside of the campus, something could happen to you.” 

Your eyes widen as you take in his words, did he just imply that he cares about you? After all these years, is the caring Jisung you knew coming back to you?

“And my mom would kill me if something happened to you.” He adds, you’re sure that if he were to have been looking at you, he would have seen you visibly deflate. You should’ve known better.

“I’ll be fine at my picnic table by myself.” You miss the perplexed look Jisung tried to conceal as you disagree with him. He rushes to search for another excuse to get you to do as he asked.

“The,” he pauses before adding quickly, “your picnic table is at the farthest point to the parking lot, i have to wait an eternity for you to get there after practice!”

You scoff at his selfishness and look out the window, “I’d rather you wait a bit than expose myself to those man eating baseball jocks.” It is a mutter, but Jisung hears every word.

“Man eating baseball jocks?”

“Yes, man eating baseball jocks. They’re all a bunch of assholes.” 

Jisung scoffs, offended. “We are not!” 

“I didn’t say you were, I said they were.” Your words seem to ease the tension in his body as he relaxes a bit in his seat before saying: 

“They’re… not that bad.” He doesn’t sound too convinced himself, his words sound forced and fake. Even then, you turn to him with a shocked look.

“Not that bad? Those guys terrorize almost everyone in our school and traumatize underclassmen.” You click your tongue, frustrated. “After everything they did and said to us, you’re telling me they’re not that bad?” 

It’s Jisung’s turn to be shocked at our sudden outburst for a few seconds before he composes himself once again, “That was back then, y/n. People change.” 

You stop yourself from reaching up as grabbing onto your hair in frustration, sitting back in the chair and looking out the window. You then say the words that would cause a longing silence for the rest of the ride to school; words that remain in Jisung’s head for the rest of the day. 

“I know that better than anyone.”

-

Jisung ponders your words for the rest of his day, absently staring at blank walls and laughing it off when his friends call for his attention. 

He knows that you have every right to be mad at him but he couldn’t help but feel knives prick at his heart as he runs the memory of you saying those bitter words that held so much weight and sadness to them. He reminisces all the times where he told you he would always be there for you, that he promised to be by your side forever, and tries to stop the stinging in his eyes. He wishes things could go back to the way they were, that he could tell you how sorry he is and you guys would be best friends again. 

As he stares at himself in the bathroom mirror, he shakes his head slightly, reminding himself that this is for the best. He tries his best to conceal his bloodshot eyes, rubbing his hands over his face and staring back into the mirror. Jisung practices his fake smile (although he’s almost a professional at it considering how much of that he’s been doing) in the mirror, and does what he always does: adjusts the new skin he has given himself and pushes old Jisung into a cage, throwing away the key. 

It’s for the best.

-

You chuckle halfheartedly at something Renjun says as you walk down the hall after school later that day. You feel a bit guilty that you’re giving your friend only a quarter of your attention but you can’t stop your mind from being preoccupied with Jisung. The guilty feeling  in your heart after your harsh words to him this morning being the only thing  on your mind when a hand wraps around your wrist, stopping you in your tracks and demanding your attention.

“Come with me.” Jisung stands towering above you, you give him a confused look, making a pathetic attempt to take your wrist out of his grip, only to have it tightened.

“Why would she want to go anywhere with you?” Renjun barks at Jisung, who sends a glare his way. 

“Because I’m her ride home, asshole. And I don’t want her sitting centuries away from the parking lot and then leave me waiting for her.” 

Renjun scoffs and moves forward only to have your free hand press against his chest, pushing him back. “Renjun, it’s okay. I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

Renjun shares an uneasy and concerned look between you and Jisung. You reply by nodding your head and smiling reassuringly, which causes him to finally cease and pull into a quick goodbye hug before walking towards the school gates.

Jisung pulls your arm, dragging you towards the bleachers where he sits you down with the calm words, “Wait here.” 

Your eye roll is a 7.1 on the Richter scale.

-

The rowdy baseball team leaves the locker room loudly, alerting you of their presence immediately. You take in a deep breath and try to make yourself as unnoticeable as possible though, you know your plan failed when a shadow is cast onto the notebook sitting in front of you. 

“Look who it is!” Over you stands, Jeno: captain of the baseball team (and mind controlling leader of all the jock minions. He is man eating baseball jock at its finest.) 

He smiles down mockingly, bringing himself closer to you. “What’s wrong princess? Cat got your tongue?” The taunt causes you to roll your eyes, moving to pack your stuff before things got bad. 

However, you figure Jeno’s plans seem to be different when he rips your backpack out of your hands and throws it on the ground next to you. He grabs your jaw harshly and forces your eyes to meet his, he speaks again, only this time, he says it lowly for only you two to hear. 

“You trying to get back in Jisung’s pants, huh? After all this time you still don’t understand that he doesn’t want you. He’s one of us now, y/n.” Jeno clicks his tongue as he pulls away and watches the emotions that inevitably settle in your eyes, no matter how much you try to conceal it. He laughs and reaches into his gym back, pulling out a water bottle and taking a short sip. He smirks and before you know it the cold liquid is being poured over your head, soaking your hair, clothes and school books. Jeno laughs once again, “You’re such a pity party, y/n.” 

Humiliated, you avert your gaze from him and meet eyes with Jisung, who watches the scene with an expression you can’t quite pinpoint, silent and making no attempts stop Jeno. Not that you expected him to. Even then, you get the same angsty feeling you get every time you realize he’s not who he used to be. 

You realize that holding in your tears is harder than you thought it would be when Jeno finally leaves, you pack your things as quickly as you possibly can and bolt out of there. Leaving a conflicted and guilty Jisung behind.

-

All that’s to be heard around you as walk home is the sounds of your small sniffles and the thud of your sneakers on the pavement below you. 

The cool autumn wind blows against your wet clothes and causes you to shiver, your body growing colder. 

Frustration and humiliation push you to walk faster as you feel the presence of a car moving slowly beside you. Jisung rolls down the window.

“Y/N! Get in the car!” 

You turn your face to him and begin walking faster, practically sprinting. Once you think he’s finally gone, you hear a car door slam shut and footsteps racing to catch up with yours. 

Jisung grabs your shoulder and spins you around to face him. “Getting home alone will only get the two of us in trouble.” 

You scoff, trying to mask your bloodshot, gloss eyes and emotional state. “Is that all you care about?” 

Jisung is quiet for a few seconds before asking, “Are you crying?” 

You freeze knowing you’ve been caught before turning and beginning to walk away, “Go away, Jisung.” 

Jisung moves to stand in front of you, and speaks in a boardline soft voice. “Just get in the car.” 

“Leave me alone.”

“I’m sorry about what happened, okay? I didn’t think they would do something like that.” 

You remain quiet, taking in his words. Jisung was never one to apologize even when you two were friends, his words shock you momentarily before you remember that this isn’t the Jisung you used to know. Maybe new Jisung says sorry without meaning it like the rest of the baseball jocks do. 

“Aren’t going to say anything?” Jisung masks his nerves over saying those words that are foreign on his tongue with impatience and indifference. 

Another breeze blows and Jisung watches in concern as you shiver, wanting nothing more than to rip the hoodie of his body and cover yours with it. 

“Take me to my house, please.” 

You figure it’s because of the unfortunate weather paired with your unfortunate situation or maybe it’s the fact that Jisung is standing before you asking for you to get in his car and saying sorry to you for the first time in his life. 

You wish it was the former.

-

As soon as the car comes to a stop, you reach for the handle to open the door to no avail. You turn confusedly to Jisung who sits in the driver's seat looking forward hand sitting on the control where the locks of the car are. 

“What are you doing? Open the door.” 

Jisung shakes his head and looks your way, “You never accepted my apology.” His eyes hold something truly desperate and troubled, you are shocked once again at the emotion you see in the boy who has been cold as ice to you for the last two years. 

Still, you recall the events that took place earlier that day and find yourself feeling bitter. “Was I supposed to?” 

“Yes!” Jisung looks at you wide eyed and offended, thinking you would know him enough to know how much those words meant to him.

“You don’t get to decide that, Jisung.” 

He scoffs, trying to mask his insecurities and guilt with frustration. “It wasn’t even that big of a deal.”

You let out your own scoff and turn in his direction, your glassy eyes causing Jisung’s stance to deflate slightly. “It was to me! I was so humiliated by those jerks and all you did was sit there and watch! You probably tricked me into going there in the first place, you... set me up. I should've known something like this would happen.” 

Jisung feels the cracks in his heart deepen as he takes in your words, the way you view him now evident. Even then, he tries miserably to defend himself. “I would never do that, I’m.. I’m not that cruel.” 

“I didn’t think so either Jisung. Not today and not four years ago when you left me to be one of those man eating, toilet licking jocks!” You look him straight in the eyes with your tear filled ones, “But you said it yourself: people change. And I don’t know who you are anymore.” 

The cracks go further down until they’ve snapped off completely, splitting Jisung’s heart in two and letting the pieces sink down his chest, pass his lungs to his stomach where he thinks it will remain for the rest of his life.

You, on the other hand, can feel nothing but the fear and embarrassment of having shared too much. Your hands move on their own as you attempt once again to open the door. 

“Y/N I-“

“Open the door, please.” This time, he does. No words filling the air as you rapidly gather your things and basically run into your house leaving Jisung alone in his car. 

Poor Jisung looks down at his poor hands, clenching and opening them to feel like he has control over something in his life. 

He’s not who he wants to be. He wants to be able to outwardly fanboy about video games and baseball to you like he used to. He wants you to call him stupid but still show interest to whatever nonsense comes from his mouth; he wants you.

His new skin has never fit this badly before.

Why the fuck is high school so hard?

-

When Monday morning comes around, Jisung holds his sweaty hands against the steering wheel of his car, waiting in front of your house. You’re late, (23 minutes to be exact; not that he’s counting) the fact making Jisung think that maybe Friday was the last straw for you, and that you were done trying to tolerate Jisung even for your mom’s sake. 

Even though he knows you have every reason to hate him, the mere thought makes it harder for him to breathe.

Deep in thought, Jisung doesn’t notice the figure walking towards the passenger side of his car until there is a knock on the window that causes him to jump. 

Jisung calms down upon seeing your mother at the window, an amused/slightly concerned look adorning her face. 

“Honey, I’m sorry for scaring you! I thought you saw me coming!” She chuckles out the last words and all Jisung can do is laugh nervously in response. “Anyway, Y/N isn’t going to school today, she has been sick all weekend. I think she got caught some rain on Friday and has a cold, she’ll be better soon I’m sure.” Your mother stops her rant to send an apologetic look Jisung’s way, “I’m sorry you had to wait, I told her to let you know so this wouldn’t happen, I guess she didn’t.”

Jisung shakes his head, “It’s okay, ma’am. I hope she feels better soon.” 

She gives Jisung a motherly smile that he has missed so much. He remembers all the days he would spend at your house and how your family basically became his own, all the times she would give him that smile before ruffling his hair. Jisung feels his eyes glass over and looks away. Your mother seems to notice and says in an affectionate, motherly tone: “Honey, everything is going to work out in the end.” 

Jisung sniffles as he lets tears freely fall down his cheeks, “I don’t know what to do.” 

She just smiles and leans further into the car, just enough to be able to reach out and wipe the tears from his cheeks. The familiar motherly gesture from her making him feel a little at ease for the first time in 4 years. 

“What do you want to do?”

What does he want? 

He wants to play baseball, he wants people to like him, he wants to be captain of the team one day, he wants to be the Park Jisung everyone loved and wanted to be. 

But… he also wants to be able to be the Park Jisung he used to be, who would obsess over video games and hang out at your house more than his own, who had you as a best friend and didn’t have to go to school worrying about his reputation

-

Now pacing a few feet from your front door, left hand holding a bag carrying your favorite soup and right hand rubbing nervously at his jeans, trying to get the sweat off of them, Jisung thinks that maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. 

What if your favorite soup changed?

What if your dog doesn’t like him anymore?

What if you don’t want to see him and tell him to get out? 

What if- 

“Jisung?” 

He nearly gets whiplash from how fast he turns to face your father who stands at the doorway smiling. “Long time since you’ve been here, what’s up?” 

Jisung laughs nervously, “Yeah, it’s  been a while…” He pauses, unsure on whether to ask for you or not. 

Then he realizes, just like your mother, your father was a second father figure to Jisung all throughout his childhood, he sees right through him and smiles knowingly. “She’s in her room.”

-

Your house hasn’t changed one bit since he stopped coming over. The same beige carpeted floors and the same pictures of the walls, even some of the two of you together as kids. 

He hears thudding on the floor and suddenly he’s being knocked over by a giant ball of fur that licks his face and excitedly wags its tail. Jisung feels some weight lift of his shoulders as he pets the dog, “I missed you too, Jojo.”

It’s strange how everything can be exactly the same but at the same time totally different. How everything between you two turned cold and these walls and this home were just waiting for him to get some sense knocked into him and come back finally. 

Maybe the walls weren’t the only ones waiting. 

-

After knocking on your door for several minutes with no response, Jisung decides to open the door a crack, just enough for him to be able to look inside and see you fast asleep. He ponders over what to do at your doorway, nervously looking at you from the door frame. 

After considering his options, he opts for just leaving the soup on your desk and leaving quickly, hoping your father tells you he stopped by. However, as he sets the bag on your desk something draped over your desk chair catches his eye. 

His sweatshirt.

Jisung reaches for it hesitantly, hand shaking for a reason he can’t pinpoint. His fingers meet the soft material of it’s fabric and he feels himself remembering all the times he had seen you the sweatshirt whenever you stayed over at his house. He recalls the night he walked dolefully to your house with the sweatshirt in his hands, on his way to cut things off with you. At the memory, he immediately reaches into the pocket, letting his hands search through it until it comes in contact with something.

It’s still there.

He wonders if you haven’t read it, or if you did and stuffed it back in the pocket and pretended you hadn’t, choosing not to dwell on the boy who left you.

He also wonders if you wear it, if you ever think about him when you have it on.

 If you get sad or if it’s warmth reminds you of the good times you spent together. Jisung grips the material in his fingers and brings it up to his chest. Eyes closed, he presses the sweatshirt close to his body. 

It smells like you. But it also smells faintly of him. Jisung smiles as breathes in the mixture of scents that brings back good memories. 

He can’t believe this sweatshirt as managed to keep the two of you together as he tore you apart. His want to fix things with you grows stronger and stronger as he stands in your room, gripping onto his sweatshirt.

Jisung hears a gasp and his eyes snap in your direction, your previously laying figure sits straight up on your bed with a frightened face, your hand over your heart. He freezes, unsure of what to do. 

On the other hand, your body relaxes slightly as you realize that it’s just Jisung and not a crazy axe murderer, although you can’t even imagine why he would be in your room right now. 

“Jisung?” The boy flinches as you say his name, before dropping the item he had previously in his hands onto the floor. You direct your vision to it and see his -your- sweatshirt which makes your confusion grow further. “What are you doing in here?” 

Jisung can’t help but look at your window like he wants to jump out of it. This was definitely not how it was supposed to go. “I- uh well uh your mom told me that you were sick and I thought that maybe you- wanted something to eat? I don’t know. So like I stopped by to bring you this soup. You don’t have to eat it if you don’t want to I just figured since you were sick and stuff you know… maybe you would want some… soup.” He finishes off his rant by pointing to your desk where he had set the bag earlier. 

You almost laugh at how awkward he’s being, though your confusion outweighs every other emotion. “Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why did you bring me this soup? Why are you in my room right now?” Your defenses start to come up as you realize how personal the situation is. 

Jisung is standing in your room for the first time in 4 years, he was holding the hoodie that used to belong to him and he brought you soup from the place you two used to go as children. 

Does he suddenly want to remember? Is this him trying to get back what he gave away?

“I just -“ He sighs, averting his gaze from you to the ground. “Look, I know what I did is terrible and that… you probably hate my guts after what happened… but I just wanted you to know that I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry about everything that has happened between us, including Friday, I just… wanted you to be able to see you and know that you were safe. Not for my mom but for me. I’m sorry for not defending you when the guys did that to you. I let my fear get the best of me like I always do.” He pauses to take a deep breath, simultaneously looking up finally to meet your eyes, you feel your heart contract at the sight of his red, tear filled eyes. “And I’ve been using my moms wishes as an excuse to be with you after so many years but it’s time you finally knew that truth, and it’s that I miss you and it’s sad but spending this week with you has made me feel more than I’ve felt in the past 4 years,” he hiccups as he speaks, “and I know that you probably don’t want anything to do with me and I get that. I really do but no one knows me like you do. No one. And you know I wouldn’t say this if I didn’t mean it but I’ll say it again and again and again…” A tear falls from the corner of his eye. “I’m sorry, y/n.”. 

You feel like you’ve been punched but also kissed and hugged tight after Jisung ends his emotional rant. 

His words cause a division in your heart and mind over what to make of them. 

Your mind says that this will end up like the last time, you’ll buy into all his fake promises and tears and fall for him all over again, only for him to leave you to pick yourself up after he decides he’s had enough of you.

However, your heart gives voice to the fact that this Jisung is strikingly similar to the Jisung you knew once upon a time. He is nothing like the Jisung you’ve seen for the last 4 years who is cold and mean; he is vulnerable and soft spoken, this Jisung just poured his heart out to you and is now standing with his arms wrapped around himself, awaiting your reply.

“Jisung, I-“ you stop yourself and try to choose words carefully while your heart and mind have a heated debate. “I think it’s best if you go.”

The way Jisung curls even further into himself makes your heart hurt, screaming even louder to let her opinion be heard. Fresh tears gather in his eyes that he immediately blinks away, nodding slowly. “I understand.” 

“I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to make of all this.” You try your best to not make him feel too horrible while simultaneously protecting yourself. 

His broken voice comes stuttering out, thick and sad, “Don’t be sorry, please.” 

He spares one last look your way before disappearing through your bedroom door. You hear his quick footsteps as he practically runs out of your house, leaving you alone with your conflicting thoughts and cold soup.

-

The energy of the events that took place in your room earlier seemed to still be circling around the room, bouncing off the walls and onto you. Sad and conflicting thoughts running through your head 100mph, leaving you restlessly tossing and turning in your bed later that night.

You sigh as you stare up at the ceiling, finally giving into the thoughts that have kept you awake. 

What did this mean to Jisung? 

What tables turned in his mind that caused the stone cold boy to come into your room (while you slept) with an order of your favorite soup to break down in front of you and go on a rant about how sorry he is?

And if he’s so sorry, why did he do it in the first place?

What changed from Friday to now?

Just when everything was getting better, why did Jisung have to come back into your life and make it complicated for you?

Should you forgive him? 

There’s a chance you could get your best friend back… but there’s also a chance he might break your heart again. 

You shove your blankets to the floor in frustration, rising off your bed and waking across the room to your light switch. However, on your decent, you step on something soft, only to realize that it’s the sweatshirt Jisung had been holding with tears in his eyes just hours ago. 

A sudden confusion washes over you for a different reason, why had Jisung been inspecting the sweatshirt in the first place? You curiously begin to reach into the pockets, immediately feeling the texture of paper on your hand. 

Your eyes widen as you pull it out, dropping the sweatshirt back onto the floor. The slip of paper is nearly folded and worn out at the edges, like it had been that way for a long time. Once unfolded, these slightly blurred words stared back at you: 

‘My y/n, please understand and please keep me as your favorite boy after this. I’m so sorry. When it’s time, please forgive me -Jisung’

You don’t notice that your eyes fill with tears until they’re dropping onto the small paper below you. 

Friday hadn't been the first time he said sorry to you, it was in this little slip of paper years ago.

You were sure he had put the paper in there knowing you probably wouldn’t find it, because there is no way you would’ve let him leave you if you heard those words then. There was no way you would let go of him.

There is no way.

-

Jisung seems shocked when you knock on the window of his car the next morning.

He had been waiting in front of your house, only 25% expecting you to actually ride to school with after what happened yesterday. Just as he was about to give up and begin his journey to school you present yourself before him with a familiar sweatshirt draped over your figure. 

He’s speechless as you get into the car and settle into your seat, only opting to talk a few minutes later. 

“What does this mean for us?”

He’s hopeful. God, he wishes he wasn’t this hopeful. 

You smile slightly, “I read your note… and I went through some of the letters you gave me a long time ago and some of our other stuff. And… I decided that if you’re really sorry, and if this isn’t some kind of sick prank… then maybe we can be friends again.”

Jisung tries to bite back his wide smile as you finish your sentence, but fails when a giggle leaves his mouth. He’s so so happy. This is the happiest he’s ever been.

You can’t help but smile as well, watching how giddy Jisung got, “What is it?”

Jisung gives you a close lipped smile and shakes his head slightly although, there is still a big smile waiting to break free. He remains that way while he puts the car in drive and pulls out of your street and onto the main road, where he suddenly says: “Does this mean I’m still your favorite boy?” 

Now it’s your turn to hold back a smile, “Maybe.” 

This time, Jisung lets him smile free, allowing you a view of his pretty, gummy smile and crescent moon eyes. He drums his fingers on the steering wheel and smiles all the way to school. 

-

Things at school remain the same after that. 

You two pass each other in the halls as if you were strangers, which, you admit, does leave a slight sting in your heart. However, that sting is overshadowed by how much things have changed between you and Jisung outside of school. 

No longer is the air thick or is there a silence that falls over you two as soon as you get in his car every morning. And no longer do you race out of his car as soon as he parks it in front of your house. Now, the atmosphere in the car is full with playful banter and laughs (with the occasional snorts.) 

It’s a light feeling; like you’ve put the last 3 years of your life behind you and have defied gravity and are currently floating multiple feet in the air, Jisung’s laughter and playful words surrounding you entirely. 

Even though things aren’t how they used to be, in some way, they are better. The new Jisung and the new Y/N get along surprisingly well despite what you may have thought. 

Especially at times like these, when Jisung hops into his car excitedly, animedtaly telling you to strap in quickly. 

“Where are we going?” You ask, though you’re smiling and slowly fasten your seatbelt. Jisung’s hands comes to rest on the back of your seat and he drives the car in reverse and out of its parking spot.

“You and I are going to Billy’s.” His gaze shifts to you briefly, before focusing back on the road, still smiling. He misses the way your eyes widen and your whole face brightens.

“I haven’t been there in a while.” You say, the driving boy nods in understanding.

“Me neither,” he progressively breaks his car until it comes to a stop at a red light. He takes this chance to look over at you and smiles softly, “We can go back together.”

-

Once you get to the ice cream shop, Jisung leads you to a table inside. “Wait here. I’ll go order.” You watch as approaches the counter, smiling brightly at the cashier, who greets him enthusiastically. Exclaiming for the whole shop to hear.

“Jisung! You’re finally back, man! It’s been ages!” You recognise the voice as that of Jaehyun, who had been a new worker when you and Jisung were regulars here. You’re shocked that he even remembers him. “Where have you been? Where’s your girl?”

Jisung’s face flushes, he clears his throat, “My girl?” 

“Yeah! What was her name again…” There is a pause in his sentence before he snaps his fingers, finally remembering. “Y/N!” 

Even though you knew what was coming, you still startle at the sound of your name; you anxiously await Jisung’s reply which comes a bit later, “She’s right over there.” He points to you and you immediately look away, pretending you weren’t listening. Jaehyun looks at you in shock before turning back to Jisung.

“It’s difficult to keep a girlfriend for that long in high school, I’m glad to see you guys together.” 

Jisung looks over at you once again except this time, you don’t look away. A soft smile rests on Jisung’s face. 

“Yeah, me too.”

-

“So I’m your girl?” 

You and Jisung are on your way home now with ice cream filled bellies after sitting in the shop and talking for 2 hours. You were wondering if you should address his interaction with Jaehyun the whole time, afraid that you would be overstepping. However, once the words leave your mouth, his cheeks flush a deep shade of red; darker than the one at the shop and enough to make your heart flutter but also swell with pride.

“Well, he said that.. And you know, I didn’t want to correct him or make him feel embarrassed or anything so I just went along with it. But if you mind, next time we-”

“I don’t.”

“Huh?”

“I don’t mind.” You’re feeling especially brave today, wanting so desperately to keep that blush on his face. 

Jisung looks over at you for a split second with a bewildered look on his face, coughing a bit, he answers in the most stable voice he muster, “okay.”

His answer is a calm and collected one, but his insides are all jumbled up and going crazy, the butterflies in his stomach reeking havoc.

-

3 days later, you sat at your desk with a thick textbook sat in front of you, you had been tentatively reading the pages for about two hours now, trying to cram as much information as you could for your test tomorrow when you are suddenly startled by a ‘ding!’ coming from from your phone. You smile as you see the message gracing the screen. 

jisung park [10:38pm]: hey :) 

jisung park [10:38pm]: you still up?

y/n [10:40pm]: yeah, studying

y/n [10:41pm]: what are you doing up?

jisung park [10:43pm]: i was about to go to sleep, then i saw your light on. decided to text you.

jisung park [10:45pm]: just wanted to check on you

Your heart speeds up and you allow yourself to smile widely, you begin to type a reply but halt as soon as you see the three dots appear on your screen indicating the Jisung is typing.

jisung park [10:47pm]: don’t overwork yourself 

jisung park [10:48pm]: wait i have an idea

Suddenly your phone is ringing, Jisung’s contact flashing on the screen only briefly as you answer, “Hello?” 

“Come to your window.” You can hear the excitement and enthusiasm through the phone and walk to your window, seeing the boy sitting by his own  window, curtains pulled back to show his smiling face which becomes brighter the moment he spots your face through the glass. When he speaks his lips move before his voice reaches your ears, but the lag is only a slight one.

“Now its like we’re hanging out, isn’t that cool?” 

You chuckle at the purity of this action and the shyness that drips off his words, “Yeah, how come we didn’t think of this before?”

“I don’t know. I guess i’m just a genius.” He laughs when you laugh at his joke.

The next few hours are spent talking about absolutely everything under the sun, school, friends, a new video game Jisung is obsessed with and the fact that the ice cream at Billy’s tasted better now that you guys went together again. 

Its nearing 1am when you finally look at the time, gasping. “Jisung, its almost 1.”

“Is it?” Jisung brings his phone away from him ear, looking down at it. His eyes widen when he spots the time, “wow, it is.” 

He brings the phone back up to his ear before looking at you, neither of you says anything, only staring at each other and listening to one another’s breathing through the phone. You can’t help but suddenly feel giddy, biting your lip slightly before chuckling, Jisung’s own chuckle following. 

“We should probably go to bed…” You watch as Jisung leans forward resting his forehead on the window sill, sighing.

“Yeah.”

When he makes no effort to move, you laugh and says in a sing-song voice: “Goodnight, Jisung.” 

He smiles warm heartedly before letting his soft voice transmit the words, “Goodnight, y/n.” Before you both hang up, he adds, “You turn off your light first.” 

You do as he says and he bids you farewell before the line goes dead, you stare happily at your ceiling while giggling and smiling to yourself. And in the house across from yours, Jisung is no different, hugging his pillow close and trying to contain his giddy noises. 

You both dream of each other that night. 

-

You knew Jisung was cute, but you didn’t know he was this cute. 

The realization comes 3 mornings after that night, the moment you step into Jisung car to go to school. He immediately shoved his phone in your face. You grow soft as you see the sight on his screen. 

“I made us a playlist!” He says enthusiastically, “so we don’t have to listen to shitty radio every morning.” 

The playlist was titled ‘y/n and jisung’s epic morning time playlist :D’, and it featured songs from all of your favorite artists. 

“I put songs in it I thought you would like, or that made me think of you.” He pauses, his cheeks flushing as he recalls his last words. “A-and some songs that I like too.” He tries desperately to play it cool but ultimately fails. However, you think this is the cutest thing you’ve ever seen. 

“That’s really sweet, Jisung. Let’s give it a listen.” 

Neither of you talk for the rest of the drive to school, choosing to listen to Jisung’s playlist. Which is the only thing heard aside from the occasional hum or drum of Jisung’s fingers on the steering wheel.

-

Once you arrive, Jisung stops you from leaving by grabbing your hand. You turn around to see what’s wrong and sees the blushing face of Jisung who is currently avoiding your eyes. 

“There’s a game today after school… do you maybe… wanna come? I mean, I know you never really go to these games but I thought maybe since we’re like friends now you might wanna come.” He rambles and you try your best to keep a straight face. 

You watch him become nervous at your stoic expression before chuckling, as soon he looks up at you and sees you smiling face he relaxes. “Of course I’ll go, Jisung.”

“Really?” You nod, his smile grows and he’s suddenly leaning over the center console and kissing your cheek lightly, deeming it your turn to blush. 

Jisung smiles smugly as he steps out of his car and walks towards the gates of the school, a pep in his step as he approaches the rest of the baseball team.

-

When you were making your way to the baseball field, you found yourself thinking that maybe coming here wasn’t the best idea. Considering how things went last time you were there and the fact that you and Jisung’s aren’t supposed to know each other in school. 

But now… you couldn't be more glad you came. Not when Jisung is tearing it up on the field, running at the speed of light towards each base, you can practically see the passion and determination to become victorious that takes control of his body and plays vigorously. 

He stands at the 3rd base, sweat dripping down his face, making way down his neck and pooling on the collar of his white uniform. His eyes are watching the player that’s about to bat. Slowly, he crouches slightly, putting his body in a position to run. And immediately after the sound of the ball hitting the metal bat rings through your ears he’s taking off at the speed of light towards home base, easily making it and leaving the opposing team’s players to huff frustratedly in the cloud of dirt that was left behind him. Jisung smiles smugly as everyone starts cheering for his home run. He knew they would never be able to catch him, not even in their dreams. 

It’s kind of hot.

As he walks towards the dugout, his eyes trail over the expanse of the bleachers, searching. You allow yourself to hope that he’s searching for you just this once and wave your hand slightly as his eyes meet yours. His narrowed eyes fully open and a smile graces his pretty face as he raises his hand to wave back before quickly looking away and walking into the dugout, the smile you had caused remaining on his lips.

-

Jisung is staring at his reflection in the locker room mirror, ruffling his hair repeatedly, trying to get the perfect visual for you, when he feels a hand clap down on his shoulder. He recognizes it as Jeno almost immediately, he tenses up. “There’s party at Jessica’s house tonight, post game celebration, you coming?”

Jisung maps out all the different ways to say no and not get questioned. Looking back on it, maybe the one he went with wasn’t the best idea. 

“I have... diarrhea.” 

Jeno steps back, confused. “Diarrhea? You were just on the field!”

Oh shit oh shit oh shit, “It was one of those sudden ones, you know? Kinda snuck up on me.” He tries to laugh it off, but feels himself cringing. “Wh-”

“Its really bad so i gotta get home as soon as possible or im just going to shit… everywhere. So i gotta go,” he begins to make his descent to the entrance of the locker room, grabbing his gym back quickly before Jeno can question him further. “Bye!” he quickly slips out the door, leaving a suspicious Jeno in his wake.

-

“You told him that?” You say through your laughs, hand falling over mouth as you snort loudly at Jisung’s red face and embarrassed smile. 

“I had no other choice! It was either that or get interrogated by Jeno for another hour.” Jisung can’t stop his own chuckle as he glances over momentarily to see hunched over, laughing loudly. He tries to conceal his laughter but eventually lets it out, “It is kind of funny…”

“Its hilarious!” Another snort leaves you and Jisung finally bursts out into loud laughter with you.

Your laughing fit lasts another few minutes and ends with the sound of your phone ringing. Your mother’s contact illuminates the screen, with laughter still evident on your voice you answer the call. “Hello?” 

“Hi honey, how was the game?” 

“It was good, we’re on our way home now.” 

“Good, well, your father and I decided to go out tonight, you know… like on a little date.” You find it endearing that you’re mother still becomes flustered when talking about your dad as if they started dating yesterday. “So that means you’ll have the house all to yourself, is that okay?” 

Your eyes travel to Jisung, an idea comes to your mind. “Yeah, mom. You guys have fun.” She laughs lightly on the other line saying she’ll make sure to before hanging up the phone.

As soon as you put your phone down, Jisung glances at you briefly before looking back at the road. “Was that your mom?” You hum in response. 

“She told me her and my dad were going on a date,” He chuckles, “that means I’ll be alone tonight...” Jisung nods slowly, not getting the point. You sigh, wondering whether you should even bring it up or not. When you think about it, the thought of you and Jisung alone at your house was oddly… suggestive. Even though those weren’t your intentions at all, the possibility of Jisung thinking that you wanted to get with him made you nervous. 

However, it seems Jisung had the same ideas as you because he’s suddenly taking a deep breath nervously drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. “You know if you don’t wanna be alone… we could hang out?”

You can tell he’s unsure and nervous and the fact makes you feel somewhat better. “You can come over to my house, it will just be us though, is that okay?” 

Jisung turns red which causes you to also turn that shade of crimson but even then, he nods. “Yeah, that’s okay.” 

Neither of you talk the rest of the way home, but the silence that surrounds you is comfortable, only serving to give your erratically beating hearts a break. 

-

“Jojo!” 

Your dog’s ears perk up as soon as she hears Jisung’s voice, quickly standing up to run at full speed past you towards the boy. Who crouches down and lets the dog lick his face excitedly, all while wagging its tail wildly. 

“Jojo! What about me?” 

Jisung laughs when Jojo completely ignores you to shower him with love. On the outside, you pout playfully at him but on the inside, your heart is doing somersaults at how cute the sight in front of you is. ...Also the way Jisung falls right back into his place of puzzle that is your life so perfectly it’s like he was never gone. He looks so at home in your house even if he has grown about 2 feet taller and gotten more mature throughout the years. He’s still the same piece that your puzzle has been missing to be complete. 

He’s still the same.

Jisung notices that you’re deep in thought and walks towards you, also noticing how you smiled slightly. “Is something wrong?” 

You shake your head quickly, smiling. It’s the kind of smile that never fails to make Jisung smile. 

“Nothing at all.”

-

4 movies, a 2 hour long conversation and 3 tickle fights later, you and Jisung are hungry. 

So you find yourselves in the kitchen, scavenging like racoons for anything you can find in the seemingly empty kitchen. 

After 5 minutes of searching and moping and whining from Jisung about how he’s to die if he doesn’t eat right now, you open a cupboard to see what might’ve been the equivalent to gold for you two at this point. 

Ramen. 

Only problem was: it was on the very top shelf and way out of your arms reach. Still, you try and reach the packets of noodles searching your arm to painful heights with small grunts and frustrated groans leaving you every now and then. They are immediately halted by the feeling of a body against your back, towering over you and reaching above for the ramen packets, whipping them off the shelf with ease. 

Jisung’s scent is surrounding you and overwhelming all your senses. When he doesn’t move away, you turn around to face him. You are so close you can feel his breath on your face and you can count every single one of his eyelashes. “Why didn’t you do that sooner?” You attempt to make the situation playful, but your low voice fails you. Jisung smiles slightly down at you before shrugging, “I wanted to watch you struggle for a bit.” His chuckles and flinches at you poke his side with your finger. His face settles into a soft smile as he looks down at you and you can feel yourself blushing. 

Jisung walks closer and closer to you until your fully pressed against the counter, never taking his gaze off you. “What is it?” You question, flustered. 

Suddenly, he raises his hands to cup the sides of your face and leans down to press a lingering kiss on your forehead before pulling away completely, turning to the stove and setting up the pot like nothing happened. 

You watch incredulously as the boy calmly rips open the ramen packaging, setting the water to boil. 

“What was that for?” You question the back of Jisung’s head, his neck is beet red as he shrugs his shoulders. 

“I couldn’t…” He hesitates, before turning around slowly, his eyes are staring at the ground, avoiding your own, “I couldn’t let that moment of courage pass. I’ve always wanted to do that and I was afraid if I didn't do it then, I wouldn't do it ever.”

Forget somersaults, your heart is doing full on acrobatics. 

Jisung looks up when you don’t reply, only to see you staring at him. He becomes increasingly more nervous under your gaze, that is until you find your words finally. 

“I was thinking earlier about how crazy it is.”

“What?” 

“You being in my house and looking like you never even left, how something’s really didn’t change…” you take small steps towards the tall boy, trapping him in between your body and the counter, as he had done to you earlier. “Yet others did.”

The words would’ve sounded bittersweet in any other context, but in that moment, Jisung understood exactly what you meant. He brings his hands up to cup your face once again, but instead of moving to kiss your forehead, he leans down further. 

Jisung’s breath fans on your face and his hands move further into your hair, lacing through it as you two come closer. You can practically feel his lips on yours, his-

“Y/N?” 

The two of you shoot apart quickly at the sound of your mother’s voice, Jisung turns to the stove where the ramen was currently boiling and you turn towards the counter and act busy with your phone. 

That’s how you are when your parents walk into the room, shocked to see Jisung there with you. “Honey, you didn’t tell me Jisung was staying over tonight.”

“Yeah, I forgot, sorry.” You say, your eyes stilling training on the counter top, your mom seems to notice the tension in the air when she asks, “ did something happen while we were gone?” 

You dare to look at Jisung, only to see the blushing boy already looking at you. He gives you a soft, knowing smile and you return it. Turning to your mother, you say, “Nope.”

Which ultimately translates to ‘definitely’.

-

Neither of you bring up the almost kiss you guys shared that night, but boy… did you think about it. While laying in bed, at baseball practice, during the morning car rides when you guys acted like you hadn’t basically confessed to each other just a few days ago.

It was the only thing on Jisung’s mind for the next few weeks, and he knew you were thinking about him too. From the way you would glance at him whenever you thought he wasn’t looking, to the silence that fell whenever you were deep in thought. 

Even though your thought revolves around Jisung, the are much different than the ones in his head. While Jisung was thinking about how you made his life brighter once again, yours were filled with an overwhelming amount of questions. 

What does this mean for the two of you?

Are you two going to date?

And if you do, will Jisung even allow you two to be seen out together? 

Will you be able to be Jisung’s girlfriend, out in the open? 

You remembered every time he had passed by you in the halls, as if you two hadn’t stayed up talking for hours the night before. As if you didn’t know each other. The thought of Jisung keeping you hidden from everyone forever scared you to no end. 

Although you knew that you were in for this when you decided to give Jisung your trust once again, you wondered how long you could handle being hidden, and if it really affected Jisung as much as it did you. 

You try desperately to settle your racing mind by telling yourself that you should just enjoy being with him for the time being, to appreciate the present instead of worrying about the future. 

So you don’t worry when Jisung pushes past you in the halls with the rest of the baseball team and you don’t worry when Jisung trails behind you as walk down the sidewalk when he sees someone from school and you also don’t worry when Jisung tells you to just wait a bit longer.

But you should’ve been worrying. 

You should’ve been worrying a lot.

-

A week later, Jisung tells you to come down to the locker rooms and wait for him there since practice was going to drag on a little longer than usual. 

You do as he says and walk down towards the gym, a pep in your step at the thought of seeing the boy you haven’t had a moment with all day. You movements are halted suddenly as you hear the echo of Jeno’s voice through as you wait by the door of the locker room. Jisung’s familiar voice reaches your ears as well but you can’t really make out what he’s saying. Out of curiosity, you lean closer to the door. 

You hear Jeno’s voice first.

“-That chick has been hanging around you a lot, recently. Are you guys a thing or something?” 

You were aware you were ‘that chick’

Jisung freezes. “ What chick?” 

“Y/N.” 

You tense at the mention of your name, growing nervous at of the things they would say. “Oh…” you hear Jisung say, “Well, I already told you, my parents make me drive her to school.”

“But that doesn’t explain why you guys are always together, I see you after school at Billy’s, you know.” Jeno questions him with no mercy, causing Jisung to grow more and more nervous, racking his mind for any words to get himself out of the situation. “You know I would never date her, man.” He pauses, “I left her for a reason, my mom would kill me if I left her alone every day, she barely has any friends.” 

You feel like you’ve been stepped on by Jisung’s shoe that he keeps twisting and stomping with you under until you’re nothing but dust scattered across the gym floor. “Good, cause that would be embarrassing, dude.”

“Yeah, totally, she’s nobody to me.” Replies Jisung. 

Nobody to him runs towards the door gym entrance and keeps running until she reaches the school gates, desperate to get away from the boy who has successfully, once again, broken her heart.

-

The continuous vibrations of your phone cause a frustrated groan to come out of your body. You reach angrily into your bag and pull it out seeing the contact you had expected to see: Jisung. There’s plenty of texts from him too, asking where you were and telling you that you should probably go home since it’s late. You shut down your phone and shove it back in your bag, taking a deep breath before continuing your walk, despite the heaviness of your feet and the want to just lie on the ground and cry. 

Why did he have to fuck everything up? Just when everything was so perfect? Just when things were getting back to normal, and you two shared the same heart you did 4 years ago, why did Jisung have to remind you of the harsh reality that he cares more about his stupid reputation than your feelings? Why was he such a coward?

So many thoughts run through your head that you don’t notice a car pulling up next to you until you hear a voice shout out: “There you are, I figured you left ‘cause I took too long at practice, hop in.” He unlocks his car and looks at you expectedly. 

You ignore his words and keep walking forward, a new found determination to get away from Jisung and into the comfort of your room, where you can hide under your covers and never come out again. You hear his voice but are to focused on getting away from him to comprehend any of the words leaving him mouth.

That is, until he’s standing directly in front of you. “What’s up with you? Did something happen at school today?” Once he catches sight of your eyes, his widen in concern, hands immediately reaching up to grab your shoulders. “What’s wrong?” 

You push his hands off your shoulders bitterly, “You don’t have to worry about waiting for me tomorrow morning or any day after that, I’m walking myself to school from now on.”

Jisung’s face contorts in panic and confusion at your words. “Woah, what?” 

You make an attempt to walk past him, only for his hand to wrap around your wrist. You meet his desperate eyes with your own, “Y/N, just tell me what happened and… I’ll fix it, okay? Just tell what’s wrong.” 

Your lip quivers as you stare at the boy across you. “I heard you, Jisung.” 

“What?”

“When you were talking to Jeno earlier in the locker room, when you said I was nobody to you. I heard you.” 

Jisung freezes and you watch as the confusion on his face is replaced with realization, and fear. His chest dips more as his breathing grows deeper. “Please…”

You yank your wrist out of his hand which remains suspended in the air between you in shock. “Please? Please what? Forgive you? Why did you say that, Jisung?” You run your hands through your hair in frustration before feeling your shoulders deflate. “I thought that maybe we had something… or that you liked me or whatever but I guess not-“

“I do like you. I do, but it’s… not that simple.” He avoids your eyes like the plague now. 

“Why? Why is it not that simple?”

He breathes in deeply before carefully replying, “You know how it was back then… with the baseball team and the bullying. I don’t want to do that again, I’m… I’m sorry.”

He’s trying to tell that you bring him down. You bring your hands over your eyes to conceal the tears in them and turn away from the guilty boy. “Just let me go home.”

He grabs onto you once again and desperately pulls you against him, hugging you close to his body. “No. Please, I don’t want our friendship to end again. What we have right now is good, let’s just get in the car and we can go to Billy’s and I’ll buy you a milkshake and-“

You shove Jisung away from you and look him directly in his eyes that are filled with regret and fear. “I don’t want to get milkshakes with you! What we have isn’t good! I’m your secret! I’m like a guilty pleasure of yours and I don’t deserve that, Jisung.” Your lip quivers once again as Jisung nods at your words, hands reaching to grab your shoulders. 

“I know that, it’s true. You don’t deserve anything I’ve put you through but please, don’t leave me, I’ll do anything.”

Your sadness is masked by a sudden surge of anger. Want to hurt him the same way he hurt you takes over you as you push his hands off you roughly. “There’s nothing you can do. You wanna know why? Because you’re a coward Jisung. And you have to realize that all your problems would be fixed if you would just grow a pair!” You breathe deeply as you watch Jisung’s face scrunch up at your words. “And this time, it’s me leaving you and it hurts, doesn’t it?”

Jisung watches in silence as you turn and walk around the block,out of his line of vision. 

-

Once the door of your room slams behind you, you lock the door to prevent any questioning from your mother and immediately hide your body under the covers. 

The sound of your soft sobbing flow travel through the space of your dark room. You take this time to let your brain tell your heart “I told you so!” And reprimand it for even thinking that things with Jisung would be any different because he brought you fucking soup. 

You were so naive to even hope that he would give up his stupid reputation for you. That he would’ve said anything else to Jeno that day. That you thought he liked you enough to be able to put you first.

God you were so stupid and naive. 

The frustration and sadness you felt was none like any other, you wanted nothing more than to rip every single one of your hairs and never leave your room again. 

The only source of light into the room is your window, you frustratedly get up, throwing the covers off of you angrily and march towards the window. Once you reach it you catch a glance of Jisung sitting by his own bedroom window, leaning against the frame and looking outwards your house sadly. He perks up when he sees you at your window, he is hopeful. You falter but then remember what just earlier that day and make direct eye contact with him as you let the blinds fall over the window, plunging your room into complete darkness.

Never again.

-

The spot on the bleachers where you sat last time is empty, causing an angsty feeling to rise in Jisung’s chest. The kind he’s been getting a lot recently when he sees you leaving your house every morning without him, and type he gets when he sees you in the halls laughing with your friends, knowing that could’ve been him if he hadn’t been such a pussy.

The rowdy boys around him yell and stretch, prepping for the game ahead. However, Jisung can’t find it in himself to even move, staring at the dirt below his sneakers and ignoring anyone who tries to start a conversation ; his teammates’ confused stares going unnoticed by him. 

As he stares at his feet, he catches sight off the worn down marker ink that you had drawn under his shoe, which you had written a few days before he joined the team, before he walked out of your life. You had been just as excited as him (maybe even a bit more) when he told you he was trying out for the team. He told you to write something that would give him strength on the field; you enthusiastically grabbed a marker and write on the side of his shoe: 

“You’re going to do great today! You’re my favorite boy! <3”

He moves his foot to get a better view of it. A faint smile dusts on Jisung’s face, before immediately disappearing when he remembers what he did and that those days were no longer. Because he ruined it. Again.

“Alright boys! Showtime!” The Coach Suh’s loud voice causes the dugout to immediately grow silent as he begins to discuss strategies with the team, all the players listen attentively. Jisung tries his best to listen to the coach’s words but still can’t focus on anything but that damn empty seat.

-

As Jisung waits in the dugout from his turn to bat he is still not able to keep his mind off you. He keeps trying to focus on the game instead of you but it seems like Jeno has other plans. 

Jisung feels Jeno tap his shoulder to get his attention, when Jisung faces him, he smiles smugly and leans back, crossing his arms.  “You weren’t at the party last night, should’ve been.” 

Jisung shrugs, “I wasn’t feeling it.” Jeno leans forward to whisper into Jisung’s ear.

“That y/n was there, I had to have a go.” 

Jisung feels his blood run cold, nerves and new waves of angsty feelings rushing through him at the thought of you and another guy. Of you and Jeno. It can’t be true. You wouldn’t. “A go?”

“You know, like sex.” He replies easily, laughing. “She said she didn’t want it though. But they always say that, she’ll come around.” 

Heavily breathing, Jisung questions, “What makes you so sure?”

“She’s a slut, Jisung. She’s always wanted to get with one of us. Why do you think she was after you? She’s just a lonely slut looking for some dick.” 

Jisung knows better, he knows your likes and dislikes, she knows that you would never value sex over anything. He knows you’re not any of the things Jeno says you are. “That’s not true… she’s not a.. slut.” 

Jeno scoffs before nudging Jisung slightly. “Come man, don’t be like that, I’m just saying the truth, she’s just a little whor-“

Jisung’s face flushes with anger and his hands begin to shake, before moving on their own and landing a punch on Jeno’s ill speaking lips, causing his head snap back at the force. 

His fingers graze the fresh cut on his lip as he sends Jisung an incredulous look. “What the hell, Jisung?”

Jisung can’t believe he just did that, however, the adrenaline and anger provoked action felt amazing. Protecting and defending you felt amazing. And he’s not letting that go now. 

It doesn’t feel that good when Jeno lands a punch on his face in return. It makes him dizzy for a second, the world spinning while he tries to recover from the blow the stronger boy has given him. 

A sudden determination comes over him, and suddenly he’s straddling Jeno while landing punches on the boy’s already bleeding face, Jeno gets in his blows too. Busting Jisung’s lips and bruising his skin for sure.

It’s unknown to Jisung how long the fight lasts, or how long it takes for the coach to notice what was going on before he leaves the field and rushes into the dugout to stop the fight. 

The Coach’s voice sounds distant to Jisung’s ears when he yells for the to break it up, like hes at the bottom of a swimming pool at a party, listening to the music, talking and laughing of the people above the surface. “Park, Lee! Break it up!” 

The two boys are relentless, struggling against each other on the dirty ground of the dugout. One is battling for his own pride and image but the other battling for so much more: for the person he was, for the girl he left behind all because this toilet licking asshat baseball jock told him he wasn’t good enough.

This is it. Jeno can’t control him anymore.

Arms wrap around Jisung’s waist and pull him off of Jeno, who continues to glare and yell things at Jisung that he can’t make out as Coach Suh drags him out of the dugout away from Jisung. The person carrying him pushes him on to the bench of the dugout. His closest friend, Chenle, begins to speak.

“What the hell was that, man?” Chenle questions, looking at his best friend with a look that was both confused and concerned. Jisung feels the eyes of the entire baseball team on him. It makes him a bit uneasy but even then, he replies as calmly as he could.

“He was saying stuff about Y/N.” Chenle immediately calms, knowing the struggles his best friend has with the girl in question. However, another curious player makes his own question for the boy. 

“Bro, why do you care? I thought your parents were making you babysit her?” He is taken aback by the reply he is given.

“I care because I’m in fucking love with her, man.” Jisung drops his head into his hands, not in shame, but in frustration. Because those words feel so good coming out of his mouth; so honest and pure. And he held back from saying them all these years due to his own cowardly mindset. He ruined all his chances to be with you and betrayed your trust beyond repair. Before he can stop them, tears flood his eyes and a sob claws its way up his throat.

The other players watch their teammate break down after proclaiming his love a girl in shock, standing still, not knowing what to do. Chenle is the first to react by approaching his friend, carefully saying: “You should take a shower to cool off, it’ll help you.” 

Jisung nods weakly and lets his friend lead him to the locker room. 

As he watches the distraught Jisung disappear into the locker room, another player goes on a guilt fueled search for Y/N.

-

The sound of your footsteps echo off the walls of the empty hallway, you’re absolutely positive all the students are at the game. You bitterly think of all the plans you and Jisung had made for this very day. How you guys would get milkshakes after they won, how after the season was over you were planning to tell Jisung how you felt and especially about how all those plans were crushed under the rough soul of Jisung’s playing shoes.

You sigh as you make your way towards the entrance, ready to curl up in bed and forget the world (something you have been getting exceptionally good at recently). When you figure out that -once again- the universe has different plans in store for you. 

The universe comes in form of player number 13, Jaemin Na, clutching on your wrist and halting all of your movements. “Y/N?”

Once your mind registers the face in front of yours, you instantly rip your hand out of his grasp. “What do you want?” 

Jaemin looks slightly defeated at the sound of your tone but tries his best to explain the situation. “Look, I know that I have been absolutely terrible to you throughout the years, i'm sorry about that and I understand if you don’t want  to hear a single word  i have to say but this is about Jisung.” 

You ears practically perk up at the mention of his name and you grow concern as you ponder what it is Jaemin could be talking about. “What happened to Jisung?” 

“There was a fight during the game today, Jisung was involved.”

“He was involved? Is he okay?” You don’t bother to hide the concern in your voice when you throw the questions at the boy in front of you. 

“He’s fine, physically. But I think he needs you right now, Y/N.”

You look at the boy incredulously for a few seconds before looking down when you realize that he was serious about his words. You wrap your arms around yourself before shaking your head. “No… he can’t need me, he said I was nobody to him.” 

Jaemin scoffs at walks closer to you making direct eye contact, “I don’t know what he said before, but the reason he got into a fight with Jeno was because he was saying some shit about you.”

“What?” 

“And he just told the whole baseball team that he was in love with you.”

“WHAT?”

You try your best to process that information, staying silent while Jaemin stands anxiously in front of you. 

“You love him too, Y/N.”

You stare at him while you think. 

What if this ends up just like last time? With your heart in a million pieces all because of Jisung’s unhealthy concern over his reputation? But he said he loved you, and in front of the whole baseball team, apparently. 

So what does this mean? What should you do? What if now Jisung is ready to be there for you like he couldn’t be before? Maybe you’ll get the happy ending 14 year old you always wanted… 

“He needs you, y/n. Please.” Jaemin pleads, his eyes staring into yours and suddenly everything clicks. 

He needs you. Like…really needs you. And before he was the boy who left you stranded and broke your heart, he was your best friend who was always there for you whenever you needed him. 

You throw all selfish feelings to the wind and nod your head towards Jaemin, who sighs in relief. 

You go to turn before stopping in your tracks and facing the baseball player, who looks at you with a confused expression. You smile softly at him, “I forgive you, Jaemin.” 

You miss his teary smile as only seconds later your taking off down the hall in direction of the baseball field. 

-

After asking around, you finally get the information that Jisung was currently in the locker room. Which you stand in front of, breathing in deeply before pushing open the door. 

Most of the players have gone home, resulting in you being greeting with an empty locker room. The only sound is that of a single shower turned on and the silent sniffles of the boy you were searching for. 

“Jisung?” You say hesitantly, taking small footsteps towards the showers. He doesn’t reply. 

You knock softly on the shower door, “Jisung, it’s me. Are you okay?”

He sniffles once again, though this time, you can tell he’s trying to sound fine. “Yes.”

Not convinced, you say in a gentle tone: “Can you come out?” 

It takes a few moments before you hear the stream of water silence and the towel hung up on the shower down disappears from your view. Then the door opens revealing Jisung, who’s hair is sleek against his forehead and his eyes are trained towards the floor. You can’t help but gasp as you see his face, cut and bruised, it makes your heart hurt. There’s nothing but a towel wrapped around his hips, which allow you a full view of his bruised torso. 

You want nothing more than to take his face in your hands and somehow take all his pain away. “Jisung…”

“Hi.” 

If you thought you had Jisung at his worst, you were wrong. Not only was he physically hurt. His eyes were bloodshot and his bony shoulders hang low from exhaustion.  He looks so vulnerable, standing basically naked in front of you, looking like the world just betrayed him in the cruelest of ways. 

You do the only thing you can think of doing. You reach forward and pull his body against yours, hugging him close. 

It takes him some time for him to hug you back, but eventually his arms wrap around you slowly before they completely engulf you, pressing you harder against him. He lets the tears fall from his eyes and onto you shoulder, his body shaking with sobs.Your bodies slowly sink down until you’re both sat on the floor, his significantly larger frame fitting into your arms as you continue to hold him tight, letting him cry into your neck and chest. His large hands hold onto you, tightly gripping your clothes and bringing your body closer to him. 

You stroke his hair in an attempt to calm him, gently telling him It’s okay, that you’ll be here until he’s okay. And to not worry, that you’re not going anywhere. 

Your words make Jisung look up at you with blood shot eyes, sniffling softly. His eyes search yours for any hint of insincerity but all he finds is the comforting, caring gaze of his best friend. He smiles although ever so lightly. Your hands move to his face and you use your thumbs to wipe his tears away. You lean forward and press a soft kiss to his forehead. 

“Let’s go home, okay?” 

-

It isn’t until 3 days after you drop Jisung off at his house that afternoon that you finally see him again. 

3 days of planning scenarios out in your head on how you would go about this moment when it finally arrived and pondering whether Jisung meant every word he said that day. If he’s finally ready and what that would mean for you two.

These led you to right now, laying in bed staring restlessly at the ceiling, when your phone suddenly illuminates, a loud ‘ding!’ sounding through the room. Before checking your phone, you look towards your bedside table where you alarm read in bright read letters: 2:56am. 

Confused, you grab your phone to see who could be messaging you at the ungodly hour. 

You gasp slightly and feel your heart rate pick up as you see the notification. 

jisung park [2:54am]: come to your window.

You hesitate, wondering why he wanted to talk now of all times, but eventually find yourself slowly walking towards your bedroom window. Once you arrive, you see Jisung, who had been looking at your window expectedly only to nervously look away when you came into his line of vision. You can’t make out what expression he is wearing but you’re aware of his nervousness, that matches your own. 

Jisung looks down at his lap, where his phone was, taking it into his hands and waving it slightly at you. You nod, and even though you were expecting his phone call you still startle when the ringtone blasts through the room. Jisung watches carefully as you pick up your phone, silent raising it to your ear. 

The silent remains, the only noise present is the sound each other’s breathing through the phone. After some seconds, Jisung is the first to speak. 

His soft voice sounds so hurt and broken in your ear, it takes you back to that time in the locker room when you held him in your arms as he cried, “Y/N…”

“Jisung,” you pause, “what are you doing up so late?” 

He chuckles bitterly, wiping away a tear you hadn’t known was falling. “I couldn’t sleep, and I just… wanted to see you.” Jisung avoids your eyes, and picks sadly at the cracking paint of his window frame. 

“Are you sure that’s the only reason?” You ask. Jisung finally looks at you, before slowly shaking his head.

He breathes in deeply and keep his eyes on yours. His gaze is intense enough to make you feel like he was in the same room and not in completely different houses. 

“I’m sorry for what happened,” you grip your phone tighter at his words. “At the locker rooms that day and all those years ago when I told you I didn’t want to be friends anymore. I just… wanted to be on the baseball team so bad and I wanted to have this high school fantasy that I saw in all the movies and I let Jeno get into my fucking head, I believed him when he told me that the me I was then was worthless, and that I had to leave everything behind to be like him. I believed him like such a fucking pussy, y/n. And I hurt you. Over and over again because of my god forsaken reputation that he kept telling me I had to keep.” He raises his free hand in frustration, “and this reputation took so much out of me, it was like whenever I looked in the mirror I was this manufactured version of myself that I created just to satisfy Jeno and the rest of the man-eating toilet licking baseball jocks,” you chuckle softly as you recognize those words as your own, “and then you came back into my life… and at first I thought that I could do it, that I could keep this front up but I was wrong. Because the second you came back to me, I already felt like myself again. It was like an instinct to be my unfiltered self around you and it scared me so bad, y/n. It scared me because I liked being myself with you so much and I couldn’t hide it…” he breathes in, “so I allowed myself to keep you a secret, and to hurt you and treat like a guilty pleasure all because I wanted Jeno to think I was one of them. And now I realized that I don’t have to be like him or anything he wants me to be,” Jisung’s pleading gaze looking at you through your window and you realize that your own eyes are leaking tears on to your cheeks, which you brush away, “I just wanted to be yours, and I’m sorry that I didn’t put you first like I should have.” 

When you don’t say anything he adds, “I’m sorry for ranting so much, I j-“ Jisung stops talking as he sees you shaking your head.

“Don’t be sorry, Jisung.” You take a minute to compose yourself. You take a minute to think if what you are gonna ask of him is even reasonable on any level, or if it even makes sense. Ultimately, you decide that nothing that has happened in the last 4 years has really made any sense at all, there was no use in trying now. 

“Can you come over?”

You watch Jisung’s expression turn from anxious to shocked in a matter of seconds, “wh- now?”

You now assertedly, “Yes, now.” 

Jisung ponders over it for a few seconds before nodding, “okay. Yeah.”

You hang up first and walk away from the window,. 

You move towards your closet, taking out the box you had stored Jisung’s belongings in. You search for the worn down envelope you had stored all his letters in, you take out the one he had stored in your sweatshirt and run downstairs. 

The desperate need to see Jisung overcomes you, your feet moving quickly towards your front door which you hastily rip open to reveal the face of the boy that occupies the majority of thoughts. 

You catch of his open bedroom window behind him, and his disheveled hair, a clear indication that he snuck out that way. Your eyes widen, “Did you just jump off the roof your house?”

Jisung breathlessly looks back at his two story house and nods, “I guess I did,” He looks back at you, explaining, “It would've been too noisy to go out through the front door.”

His serious expression reminds you of why you called him here in the first place. 

You hesitantly hold up the note to his face:

‘My y/n, please understand and please keep me as your favorite boy after this. I’m so sorry. When it’s time, please forgive me -Jisung’

He looks down in shame when he sees the note, the regret of his actions behind the note washing over him as soon as he finished reading it over. You shake your head at his actions and reach forward to grab his chin, stepping into his line of vision. Once you’re assured that you two are holding steady eye contact, you begin to speak. “Don’t feel bad, please. I brought this down here so you could see it and know that… I forgive you, Jisung. For everything. Now that i know why you did what you did, everything feels so much better. I thought that you had dropped me because you didn't want you me anymore and I was so scared and upset and I told myself I would never talk to you ever again. I told myself that I didn't need you. But I did. I still do.” You stop to collect your thoughts momentarily, “When you left there was a Jisung shaped hole in my life that couldn't be filled by anyone and when you came back, you fit right in like you had never left and everything was just so … perfect. It was like I was not really me while you were gone, it was so weird.” 

Jisung nods, “I felt the same way.” This makes you smile, which makes him smile. 

“I think that the reason I was able to keep up that front for so long, because we weren't together, I don’t know what it is but you are the best part of me, and without i felt like an… unfinished puzzle.” 

He watches you nod eagerly as you agree, “Yes!” 

You two stay in a comfortable silence for a few seconds before you’re stepping forward so that your faces where less than an inch away, Jisung looks down at you before smiling and wrapping you in his arms. 

He feels emotional suddenly, the very fact that he has finally achieved the one thing he’s wanted for the past four years: your complete forgiveness. Jisung grips your clothing and pulls you closer, assuring that every part of your body is pressing against his. “I’m-“ he cuts himself off as he hesiatates, “I don’t know if this is too sudden or anything but I just- I wanted to- I- fuck-“

You can’t help but chuckle at his nervous stuttering, you pull away from your hug and look at the once again nervous boy. “What is it?” 

Jisung breathes in, “The day you overheard Jeno and I had bought you this,” He shrug off the backpack you don’t notice he had on and reaches inside of it pull out what looked like an animatronic penguin holding a pink heart that read, ‘I love you’. “I was going to give to you that day and like confess? I guess, I didn’t know what you were gonna say when you told me to come over but I figured if I bought it I should give it to you.” His hand comes up to rub the back of his neck in a nervous habit. “I was going to tell you how I felt that day, but you know things didn’t go as planned that day. And if you don’t feel the same that’s totally fine, I just.. wanted you to have it.”

You breathe in to speak when you thought his rambling had come to an end but Jisung stops, he leans down quickly to set the penguin on the floor of you patio before pressing a button. Music plays from the toy as it cutely dances. “It… dances.” 

Jisung is sweating. You almost feel bad for him. “I can see that.” You reply with a chuckle. 

It dawns on you that there was nothing (nothing) more Jisung, than this.

There’s nothing more Jisung than him standing in front of you, sweating, confessing to you with an animatronic dancing penguin. 

Nothing so Jisung, nothing so like the boy you love. 

Suddenly, you’re stepping over the penguin separating you two, and closing all the distance between you and Jisung, crashing your lips onto his. It takes the shocked boy a few seconds to process the situation, before his hands are finding their place on either side of your face. The way he moves his lips against yours is clumsy, but it’s everything you could’ve ever imagined.

Jisung sighs, and you can tell it’s everything he’s ever wanted too. He attempts to pull you as close to him as physically possible, wanting nothing more than to be closer to you. 

You pull away for air, but don’t move away from Jisung, who breathes deeply through his smiling, pink and swollen lips. He laughs breathlessly, “oh my god.” 

His laughter produces a chuckle of your own. “What?”

He shakes his head, smiling. His forehead rubs against your as he does so, and his hair tickles your face. “I’m so in love with you.” He watches you with soft eyes. 

You think that your heart is past the point of just bursting; it's like an atomic bomb that is capable of wiping out the entire population if Jisung didn’t stop being so damn cute.

You peck his lips softly before hugging him tight. “And I  love you.” 

And there you stay, until the sun rises and shines upon the two of you, whispering faint confessions of love to each other over and over while the penguin continues to sing It’s cheery tune next to you. 

-

“What the f-“ your mother stops in her tracks as soon as she opens her front door to find you and Jisung asleep on the patio of her house, curled up to one another for warmth. 

She looks around confusedly, wondering what the hell happened last night. But then she notices the way Jisung’s arm wraps around you tightly, keeping you close and the way you hands grip his clothes even while you sleep and she thinks she has an idea of what went on here last night.

After snapping a picture of you two to send to Jisung’s mother, she watches you and sighs, making eye contact with brightly colored penguin standing by her feet. 

“What are we gonna do with them?”

-

[1 year later, Senior Prom]

“I still don’t get why we can’t just get ready together.” 

You sigh as Jisung complains through the phone for what feels like the 100th time. “I already told you Jisung, I want you to be surprised when you see me! Remember that I’m not just your best friend anymore, I’m your girlfriend now, and I wanna look pretty for you.” 

“You always look pretty to me.” 

“I know! I just- It’s prom, okay? I want it to be perfect.” 

“It will be, okay? Come to your window.”

You do as he says and peek through your window to see an extremely not ready looking Jisung through his window. “Jisung! Prom is in an hour!”

“I know. I just wanted to be alone with you for a bit before we have to spend the whole night with our friends.” He pauses, and points to the window frame recalling the memory of last fall when he did this exact same thing fri the first time, “it’s like we’re hanging out, isn’t it cool?” 

You chuckle lightly, “Very funny.”

“Come on, y/n! Don’t you think I look better in my jersey anyway?” You take notice of the familiar jersey that is draped over his frame. It’s his baseball jersey that he never seems to take off ever since he was named Captain of the team when Jeno was kicked off last fall. And though he should be already wearing his tux, you’ll admit that the jersey does look a different kind of hot on him. 

“It’s not that bad.”

He laughs at your comment and takes a breath to speak, before being interrupted by his mother coming into his room and yelling at him to hurry up and get ready. He sighs and tells her he’s on it. “I guess that’s my cue.” 

“I’ve been telling you it’s your cue for the past 4 hours.” You say playfully, Jisung laughs. You watch him reach for his towel and throw it over his shoulder, waving at you through the window. 

“I love you, babe.” 

You smile when he says that, feeling like it’s the first time he’s ever said it. “I love you too, silly.”

“Ohhh, are you blushing? That’s so cute!” He coos point a finger at you through the window. 

“Go get ready!” You say in stern yet playful voice as you attempt to conceal your flustered date from your boyfriend. He laughs and says he’s going before hanging up to phone and leaving you to finally get ready in peace.

-

“Woah.”

Is all Jisung can say when he finally sees you. You walk down the steps of your house to meet him at his car, the tail of your dress flowing behind as you approach him. 

Now, Jisung always thought you were the most beautiful person in the world but… shit! You look so gorgeous. You give him chills.

“Jisung?” 

He realizes he’s just been frozen this whole time, and finally takes action reaching into his car and bringing out the corsage he bought to match your dress. He puts it on you, and steps back to admire you. Jisung takes a deep breath through his mouth and leans back, dramatically. The dramatic action from your boyfriend causes you to laugh. “What?” 

“You look like… ugh! You’re so beautiful.” He reaches forward and brings his hands to your face, bringing you closer and pecking your lips lightly as to not ruin your lipstick. You laugh and step back to admire your boyfriend. 

His black tux suited him well, and his hand styled his hair up for the night, giving him a cooler and sharper look to the one you’re used to. You like it. You liked it a lot. “What about you? You look like a million bucks! All the girls are gonna be all over you.” You say it jokingly, but Jisung leans forward once again.

“Too bad I’m taken, and I’m whipped too so I wish them luck trying to get through to me.” 

Yo laugh at his words and push his shoulder lightly. He smiles at you and attempts to wink, only fail miserably and a laughing fit to interrupt in between you two.

-

After posing for pictures at your mothers in front of your house for what feels like forever, you and Jisung finally arrive at prom. Jisung holds your hand as he walks in.

Chenle and Jaemin, two of his friends from the baseball team you had grown fond of, and Renjun find you guys first, immediately pulling you to the remotely empty dance floor. “Guys, no one is even dancing yet!” You exclaim, to which Chenle shrugs.

“Then let’s be the first!” 

And so that how you spent the rest of your night between dancing with your own friends and Jisung’s friends you find yourself barely having any alone time with your boyfriend.

You search for him in the crowd as the announcer introduces the prom royalty competition, that is until his name is called out and he goes up to the stage to accept his crown. You watch confusedly and amusedly as Jisung awkwardly accepts his flowers and allows the women to put the crown on his head. You laugh as he meets your eyes, sending you an awkward smile.

“And the prom queen of the class of 2020 is…” she read the card and smiles brightly, “Y/N Y/LN!”

You freeze when you hear that. Jisung brightens up on stage, cheering. You stay in your spot until Renjun is ushering you to the stage to accept your crown. He helps you step onto the stage and you thank him, when you finally reach the stage, you (just as awkwardly as Jisung) accept your crown and bouquet. 

People in the crowd cheer for their favorite couple when the announcer says it’s time for the king and queen to have a dance. 

Thus you have your first dance with Jisung of the night. And the way Jisung is looking at you almost makes you forget that literally everyone staring at you right now. You smile and pull him closer. He chuckles, “This plastic crown really suits you, it brings out the color of your eyes.”

You snort as you two continue to sway gently side to side. “I know, it’s a good look.” You poke his own plastic accessory as he laughs. 

You two dance in comfortable silence before Jisung says in a soft voice, “I’m like... really in love with you.”

You laugh bashfully before looking at your boyfriend. “I’m crazy in love with you too, Jisung Park.”

It dawns on Jisung how much he has changed in the past 5 years of his life. From your best friend, to the boy that broke your heart, to the baseball jock, then to the boy that broke your heart again and finally to your boyfriend. (He stills thinks about what happened with a heavy heart but knows that maybe things wouldn’t be the way they are now if they had never occurred.) He turned from a nervous kid who let his bully get the best of him to a bright young man who was willing to do anything for the girl in the pretty dress in front of him. He smiles as he realizes what he can do now that he had gotten over his fears.

“Watch this.”

You have no time to react as he suddenly grips your waist tighter and brings you closer so he could press his lips to yours. In front of all the people watching you, -which included teachers!- you hear Jaemin whistle and laughs into the kiss, causing Jisung to laugh as well. He pulls away.

“It feels so good that everyone knows you’re my girl.” 

He then pulls you in for another kiss and another and another and another. He basically kisses you for the rest of the night and you can’t find anywhere in yourself to complain because you admit it also feels absolutely amazing to have everyone know Jisung is yours. 

Now you know why everyone always said senior year is the best year of your life.

#nct dream scenarios #nct jisung #jisung park #nct dream jisung #nct imagines #nct fanfiction #nct angst #nct smut #nct fluff #xiaodejunletsact #nct #wayv scenarios #nct 127 #wayv #nct dream #nct mark

[kavurtz]

I like girls.

This mainly for me I can’t write this in my notes bc my mom checks it sooo yea. If you know me n you read this I don’t care lel

I think being gay ain’t a choice. As I grow I realize that shit isn’t I used to think it was and if you really wanted to if you were a girl you could just stop liking women or if your a dude you can stop liking a dude. As a child looking back I was fr in denial.

I like a girl on my bus. Her hair was naturally curly and she had a beautiful smile. She always wore cherry lipgloss and it made her face shine fr. She was kind..and always gave me a snack on the bus. She was a junior while I was a 7th grader.. and I know she was straight as a pole too. I thought about her a lot and uh well I would always tel myself why am I thinking of a girl gross. I suppressed feelings for girls through the whole year. If I saw a gay couple I would always tell myself to see that it’s disgusting and bad. Moving on into 8th grade year.

I was 14 and I invited a girl I liked to my birthday party! Her name was jada her skin glowed under the sunlight fr. Skin was smooth too and a nice dark chocolate. I really liked her personality she was super cool to talk to man and she was super funny I did everything with her. At the party you know my dumb self I can’t really hide if I like someone..maybe acting kinda flirtatious with movements and touchyness? Ion know lol. But my mom noticed. I was stare at jada just analyze her. That whole day felt everyone was moving in slow motion while I was going real time. After the party which was awesome btw my mom took me home..best birthday turned into the fucking worst one in 2 seconds

TRAMATIZING

I remeber this day vividly. Shit was traumatizing. My mom sat me down at the dinning table said that she wanted to talk. That’s never good so I just sat down in fear. She asked me “Do you like Jada” in denial I obviously told her no and said stupid shit like being gay is wrong and I could never like a girl that’s against the Bible! My mom didn’t believe one word of it though. She said “if I find out you are gay like women or ever want to be a man or whatever you will be kicked out of this house and we will never accept you you will be a disappointment to the whole family” I stomached that awfully. I ran to my room bro lmao and just cried the whole night. I told myself I can choose to not like girls so I just kept telling myself bro you like boys boys are cool girls are nasty you could never date a girl. I always had that in my mind and it ruined me forever. No like actually that shit fucked me up I started doing shit I was not supposed to do thinking I was going around my feelings bro. Anyways FAST FORAWRD TO 9th grade

9th grade was actually a hella good year for me no cap. I met some awesome freinds and even have a new click with them along with many others. But there’s this certain girl bro NOW NOW WAIT let me tell you sim bro my taste in girls completely like FLIPPED I used to clown girls who wore like stripped crop tops and vans and those like boot shoes irl that softgirl awesthetic look. Something like that. But now that’s the type of girls I like. Dorky girls that dress like that. I used to like girls that were “bad” wore the most on brand clothes like Nike and shit like there fit was nice as hell. Now don’t get me wrong I still love that fashion I just prefer the other one WAYYY more. Yoooo anyway. I’m in 9th grade in band and like there’s this girl she play the clarinet and like she has grey blue eyes her eyes pretty asab I don’t care. She’s a dork lol she is goofy and dances funny out of no where idk why she does that but she does lol. Now listen man I’m not a creep! But I would just stare at her sometimes at like games for football just stare at her idk why but I did I liked looking at her eyes a lot bc they were pretty THATS it. She found out i liked her tho idk who the hell either told her or if she found out by herself but uh ye I didn’t really care tho cuz I was like I can’t like girls anyway that’s gross ha ha ha bull shIT. Bru it was even worse cuz she had a whole ass girl bro I did not give a FUCK 😂😂 nahhh fast forward again. Her and her girlfreind like broke up like her girl broke up with her. And I remeber getting that text and I always joke around saying if that happened I would YESSSIRRR AYEEE LETSSS GOOO but I was actually upset. I was like bro what the hell? I got to school n like she was there crying. I would have comforted her more but I just kinda stood down and said I was sorry and that everything would be alright. Everytime I saw that girl I was mad at her giving her ugly looks man I was so mad 😂😂 but why was I feeling like this bro idk! I just was! I still kinda feel bad but everything happen for a reason man but uh let’s unpack that that girl was the actuall like ACTUALL first girl I liked her fashion personality and all that shit was perfect 😂 we still go to school together I’m in the 10th grade I don’t like her anymore tho but she is a good friend of mine

ALRIGHT this for me. Listen man! As of right now today you are confused lol. You don’t really know who you are and you still teynna figure it out and that’s ok! You like girls and that’s ok. Do you know why you like girls? Let’s give all the reasons..reason 1 because you can reason 2 because you can reason 3 BECAUSE YOU CAN! It’s just how you feel it sucks hc you really tried running away from that truth saying I can choose to not but guess what you always end up right back here 😂 liking another female 😂😂 damnnn bro I know parents ain’t accepting and that shit is tough but maybe one day ONE day they will come around I hope man they are so homophobic it’s scary literally can’t even sing a song without my dad being transphobic.. nah but fr didn’t god make us this way..? Wouldn’t he know this was gonna happen? God makes no mistakes and here I am he made me a female but I feel like a boy I ask god everyday what is going on and what do I do am I supposed to be feeling this way? I have not gotten my answer yet but don’t worry god will asnwer I don’t feel comfortable being a girl that’s why we always pretended to be someone else and that shit isn’t cool nor good for us. I’m happy to say we stopped doing that shit and that we finally trying to be ourselves we even changed our HAIR to look more masculine ahaha we look good now time for the fashion. Go shopping with freinds because you can only shop comfortably with them shopping with mom sucks bc she judge everything you pick and say it too boyish ugh I hate that saying like god damn. I wish I could wear polos and tuxes n shit I hate wearing dresses and skirts bro it’s awful! NAH BUT LOOK BRO WE WORKIN ON OURSELF YEEESSSIR ! I’m logging that shit everyday! IM NOT TRYNNA LOOK LIKE LIL TECCA BUT UHHH MY LEGS AINT IT I HATE THEM 😂 we gettin their tho it take time by the time I a junior i want people to see a change 😂 one last thing is never do sum you uncomfortable with. You stay doing that for other people and it’s trashy 😑 ok well I’m going it’s uh 11/19/20 sooo yeeee! See you in 2021 Kayden ! Check back wihh ty me with the date

Ok no more

[jaehyunskitten22]

Daddy!Wonho x Chubby!Reader

Legitimately looks at you like the stars shine in your eyes, no joke 

I honestly believe that all of his relationships would start out by being friends first

so that’s why I always start out with yall as friends, because I don’t think that he could fall in love with/ask someone out unless he extensively knew them

ANYWAY

I see him as someone who can read people very well

he can tell when you’re upset, when you’re hungry, but most important to this list thing, when you’re needy

And when I say needy, i mean needy for anything. Cuddles, back rubs, your hair played with, comfort, not just sex

but he can tell when you need sex too lmao

I don’t think he would be able to necessarily tell what you are into, but he knows what he’s into and the way you act sometimes triggers his Daddy instinct

Sometimes you act really... cuddly and submissive? (A/N I’m the kind of kitten/sub that tends to go into subspace when i’m around someone who makes me feel protected and loved, and everyone knows that wonho can do that and fight me if you think otherwise lol jk dont im sensitive and weak )

And of course wonho is like ‘oH HELL YES’ because his pretty and soft friend? Wanting cuddles and acting like she needs him? Yes please.

And of course he doesn’t try to initiate anything sexual/a scene or anything like that when you’re in subspace, because he knows that you aren’t in the appropriate mindset to make those kinds of decisions

so he takes care of you to the best of his abilities (which is hella good btw) and he loves every single second of it

and you start to develop a relationship

when you guys start dating, he takes a little bit to start a sexual relationship, but he still very much acts like your Daddy

And of course you agree to it. You guys have an understanding of what you expect from one another; you know what rules he wants you to follow, and he knows what you like and what makes you feel the safest and most comfortable

The first time you go into full blown kitten/little space with him he is in literal awe of how cute and sweet you look

he loves your fluffy little ears and tail or your cute little nighty and nothing makes him feel more loved than when you rub your cheek against his leg, hand or chest, or when you beg him to play dolls or color with you

he especially loves when you crawl onto his lap and snuggle into his chest because it’s something that you won’t do when you aren’t in kitten space (due to insecurity for your weight, or if you aren’t insecure about your weight, out of concern for him not liking you on his lap which he totally does its his fave)

he also like sending you flirty little looks and paying very close attention to you because he knows it makes you a little embarrassed

he will also praise every single thing you do

you say that you love him? A cuddle session will commence. You’re honest with him about how you;re feeling? He will talk about it to his other dom friends for weeks. 

The rules he has for you are nothing out of the ordinary, but i’ll go through a few of them

Be healthy. And not like going to the gym everyday for 7 hours and only eating lettuce healthy lol. Just like eating a balanced (ish) diet. He’s not very strict with it though, because he likes when his baby is eating her favorite things and is full. He just wants to make sure that you dont eat 17 powdered donuts and call that “lunch” (which is totes something i do whoops)

the next rule is to tell him when you are upset, whether that be at him or in general. He wants to comfort his special little kitten, but he can’t do that if you don’t tell him you need it you feel? Like he can generally tell, but he still wants you to tell him, to keep the lines of communication and trust open

Another rule is to greet him whenever he comes home, if possible. He likes to know that he was missed, especially because he missed you.

His rules for dressing really are almost nonexistent. Always wear your day collar, if he picks something special out for you (which he doesnt do a lot) you have to wear it and send him pictures. He wants you to wear underwear every time you are out in public, even when you are with him (i know a few doms make their subs do this to humiliate them, which is what makes me say that he wouldn’t do it. He doesn’t want to humiliate you) He also likes when you wear lingerie, but he has no rules around that. Surprise him whenever you want because it will never be unwelcome. He doesn’t even care what kind it is, he knows you’ll look hot in anything

You can touch yourself and he even encourages you to do so, but he wants you to ask him first. Once again it’s to keep the lines of communication and trust open. He will never deny you touching yourself probably, but he might tell you to wait until he can touch himself too so you guys can do it together (he would be into phone sex dont come for me) But i can totes see him telling you to not let yourself cum if he’s going to be home that day. If he has the option to see you fall apart in person, he will make you wait until he is there to see your orgasm

The last rule i can really think of is if he buys you a gift, you are not allowed to complain about the cost. Nothing is ever to expensive for his special little girl.

Now for the Sex

He is such a giving Daddy

he isn’t going to tease you an excessive amount because teasing you is teasing himself

but he still will tease you and make you beg for him because he loves knowing that you want and desire him. He needs to feel needed by you.

he loves to be praised. Compliment his body, how smooth and firm his body feels on top of you (or under you because he would def love you on top too) Tell him that only he can make you feel this way, that he fills you up so good, yank him closer to you (just be vocal about how much you want and need him, it’ll always get you fucked real good)

He would be crazy good at giving oral. he loves squeezing your soft thighs until you’re bruised. He will most definitely try and eat you out until you pass out or use the safeword. He loves making you shake.This might sound gross to people but im putting it in here anyway. He would love to cum inside of you and eat you out right after. He would love the taste of your cum and his mixed together (i think he really likes playing with his cum tbh like when he jerks off i bet he messes with it for a little bit before cleaning himself off. i bet he’s also tasted his cum and he doesn’t mind the taste tbh) 

as for you giving him oral, he will almost always want you on your knees in front of him if its an actual scene. 

He would want you on your knees in front of him for a lot of things tbh. he likes being bigger than you and it always makes you look so small and helpless. He would love to caress at your face and pet you in this position (fun fact the gif at the top inspired this whole thing js) (but yeah exactly like the gif at the top)

alot of the time he won’t let you use your hands. he will only let you rub your cheek against his clothed bulge in order to tease him, or only let you mouth along it and over it, just because he likes the way it feels against your soft cheek and the feel of dominance it makes him have

he would totally want to fuck your throat because the sounds of you gagging on him would be a little hot to him.

he won’t do it to the point of intense pain tho. just a lil bit to satisfy the urge

eye contact is his absolute favorite. He will literally cum so hard from you looking up at him with a wide eyes and innocent expression with your mouth occupied in such a dirty act

He doesn’t really care where he comes or if you swallow. It would be up to you and he would never push you out of your comfort zone

But for me, I would love for him to cum on my face js

Sex won’t be that kinky with him but he will use a crap ton of pet names and dirty talk

“My princess is always so tight around my cock. I bet you can feel every single bump and ridge against your soft little walls. Does it feel good, Kitten? Tell Daddy how good he makes you feel.” 

“How about you come and suck Daddy off? Your mouth always makes me feel so good and I know that you love when Daddy feels good.”

“Can I cum inside of you Angel? Does my special little girl want Daddy to fill her up with cum?” 

things like that (im sweating)

And also keep in mind that he would be holding you as closely and tightly as he can, tucking his head into you neck and panting those things in your ear.

Aftercare with daddy!wonho would be very fluffy and warm

it wouldn’t be very extensive because I don’t see him being crazy adventurous with things like positions or punishments.

he would ask if you wanted a bath and if you wanted one he would run it for you and make sure you got in okay.

he probably wouldn’t get in with you unless it was a large bathtub, because he wanted you to be able to spread out and lay comfortably

he would sit by the side and gently run a wash cloth over your curves and inbetween you legs, lightly giggling at the shudder that went through your body due to your sensitivity.

if you didnt feel up to a bath he would get a warm wash cloth and wipe you down before redressing you so you didn’t get cold in the middle of the night

whether you wanted a bath or not tho, i feel like he would gently try to coax you to use the bathroom (going to the bathroom after sex helps prevent yeast infections js) because he wants his little girl healthy in all parts of her body

He would also get you a glass of water and make you drink it all, just to make sure that you would rehydrate yourself

he probably wouldn’t get that dressed himself tho, like the most he will put on is probably a pair of boxer briefs and then he’ll wrap his arms around you and coo little praises and compliments, telling you that you were such a good girl for Daddy all the time and that you always do so well for him and you always make him feel so good

and you would be the first to fall asleep, but not before you told him that you loved him a lot

to sum up, he’s not a crazy demanding daddy that makes you jump through a lot of hoops or anything like that. He just loves taking care of you and making sure that you are always safe. He’s not a very kinky or harsh lover, he’s quite soft and warm.

the end :)

#wonho scenarios #wonho smut #shin hoseok scenarios #shin hoseok smut #monsta x scenarios #monsta x smut #wonho #shin hoseok #monsta x

[minniecake]

The Death of Jasper Jordan; a meta

So, let me preface this by saying that this is my first meta, ever. Im a newbie, and I understand I'm dealing with a sensitive subject, but I haven't seen anyone talk about Jasper’s death in length so here I am. I also want to say that I do have experience with what I'm talking about and I am in no way trying to be insensitive. Trigger warning: suicide and depression. ★★( have starred the areas (plural) where the actual simplified reasons of Jasper’s suicide occurred if you don't want to read all of my brain vomit)

Before we get into Jasper’s suicide I want to summarize Jasper’s life for the past 4 seasons’ Jasper gets impaled by a spear and tortured by grounders, kidnapped by Murphy, helps with the grounder ring of fire, gets kidnapped by mount weather, gets abandoned (he thinks she's abandoned them) by Clarke, becomes step-in leader, falls in love with Maya, gives her his blood, sets up and kills Mt. Weather guards, tries to protect Maya, loses Maya, laughs when a man cuts into his throat, takes the chip, tries to kill himself, decides to live just so he can die in a few months, creates DNR, creates a drug that kills all of DNR, kills himself. Now I bring up his journey because it has been a traumatic one, and this leads me into a question I was seeing on twitter, basically people want to know that if characters like Clarke can get through all they've been through and not be suicidal/kill themselves, then why can't Jasper. The answer is a simple but heartbreaking one; thats not always how it goes. Some people just CAN’T. They just... can’t. They see no point in living, they see no light at the end of the tunnel. For Jasper, it was all tunnel.

I want to talk about how much Jasper needs people. Jasper desperately needs people. He clearly doesn’t do good on his own (we first saw this when he couldn't make the shot on the bomb without someone by his side, Monty). He needs Monty, in particular. Monty and him go way back. They were bestfriends. They considered each other brothers. So when Jaspers brother and the two people he had faith/trust in and looked up to the most killed his first and only love, Jasper lost everyone. He lost Maya, Monty, Clarke, and Bellamy all at once. Grief and depression are things you can't go through alone. In the real world we have therapists and medications, in the world of The 100, Jasper didn't have anything. And this is a boy who functions on people, who collapses by himself. So now here we are with Jasper (A 16 YEAR OLD BOY BTW) spiraling with no one to talk to. He can't talk to his bestfriend because his bestfriend had a hand in killing his girlfriend. He can't talk to Clarke because she's gone (and he wouldn't want to, anyway) and he won't talk to Bellamy. (I'm explaining all of this because I want people to see Jasper’s personality and what it demands in order to live a happy life) 

We all know what happened the rest of the season. Jasper drank and drank, then he took the chip. Then he cried because he wanted to stay in the CoL. Even Raven, in eternal physical pain without the chip, wanted out. Jasper’s pain consumed him so much he rather feel nothing at all. The only time we see Jasper happy again is when he discovers that he doesn't have to kill himself, the world would just do it for him. 

Ive seen many who are upset and confused by Jasper’s suicide. Questions consist of “Why couldn't he get better?” or “Why couldn't he do like Harper and Raven?” well, the answer is clear and messy. This is where we get into debatable, sensitive territory. ★★the real world, not in a fictional TV show, people don't always get better. A lot do, many don't. And this, in its own scary sad way, is representation. Like Raven is representation for disability and WOC, Jasper is representation for depression and suicide (I know Jasper was an amazing representation for mental illness, but mental illnesses don't always get better, sadly. Hopefully they explore mental illness in other characters). Many might be able to relate to Monty now, as he is someone who tried to save a person close to him suffering with depression, but he couldn't. A lot of Jasper’s downfall had Monty in the loop, including the letter Jasper had for him in 4x01 (which could possibly make a reappearance). Monty constantly was a ray of hope, always believing they would get through it and be happier. He tried so hard to get Jasper to want to live. Unfortunately, he couldn’t. This is a real thing that happens. Now I know some could get confused and think of Harper’s line to Monty about her not loving him enough to get her to live, but we know thats not true. We know how much Jasper loved Monty. There are kids who love their parents, people who love their significant other, but kill themselves anyway. Sometimes, depression outweighs love. This is a sad truth that happens everyday. 

Now I want to talk about the tie between Jasper/Raven/Harper. These three stories are intertwined with how suicide usually, statistically, goes down. 1. You fight to live for yourself (Raven), 2. You fight to live for someone else (Harper), or 3. You commit suicide (Jasper). ★★ In a world of death and destruction, you can't have all 3 suicidal characters get out of it alive. You just can't. 

I hope next episode we see people find out that Jasper committed suicide. I want to see Clarke/Raven/Bellamy’s reaction. I want Jasper’s death to fuel something. We know via interviews that Clarke will lean more on her friends and keep them close, I was wondering if the knowledge of one of her friends losses contributes to this. I also hope we get to see Monty cope with the loss of the only family he had left. Maybe they will explore it in S5? We shall see. 

Thank you everyone who read my first ever meta! It is a little discombobulated and might not even be relevant at this point but I wanted to get all my thoughts and feelings out there. Last but never least, RIP Jasper Jordan, I'm going to miss you. Xoxo

@rosymamacita @abazethe100 @the-ships-to-rule-them-all @simul-ut-unus @easnadh1 @head-and-heart @forgivenessishardforus @ginalou16 @insufficient-earth-skills 

#jasper #meta #analysis #the 100 #raven #harper #bellamy #clarke #jasper jordan #suicide #death #depression #mental illness #monty

[survivornavarino]

Episode #11: I’m Gonna Beat Your Ass In Massachusetts Bitch -Julia

ok im rlly high and i accidentally joined this tirbal drama call and now im in too deep to leave and im crying julia is crackdt

Woo we love plans working out last minute

So I was just made out to be this terrible person and almost got eliminated, and I remembered how terrifying that is to have people upset with you. I don't think I'm gonna try villainy anymore (what just happened wasn't my fault btw even tho I was trying villainy I had nothing to do with this) it's hard to be a villain when you like everyone so I'm gonna stick to my hero stuff

Tesoro Tribe Call

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nq_3DCxuV3g&feature=youtu.be

Daaaammmnn Matt deserved better..... AND SO DID I WHAT THE FUCK https://i.imgur.com/sSWMk6p.gif How am I not supposed to feel some type of way when I get bamboozled by AAAAALLLL these people? 7 DIFFERENT PEOPLE LIED TO ME yet I'm not on the bottom! Gee thanks I can really tell with all this deceit in the air. Like the only person who would've had probable reason to lie is Heather because we don't even talk. The other 6?? I talked to within 2 hours of the vote aka when all this fuckery was going down so that means they actively lied, actively kept me out, and actively don't trust me. Fucking up my game and my villain edit?? Unacceptable- I worked HARD for both of them but now I gotta pop off just to stay alive... like fuck https://media.giphy.com/media/yKibNueqBiqU8/giphy.gif And is Jake serious right now? The amount of dirt I have on him could bury him in a second but he's gonna blindside me, the person with the power to make or break his game. Eddie and I gave him the world and he just flipped like THAT? Inch resting. And the Drew thing isn't even relevant because Jake got a heads up, did actually have a working relationship with Drew, was indeed down for that alliance that didn't come to fruition, AND actually snitched about the Drew vote to Drew so take a fucking seat. It doesn't matter that I wanted him in the dark because I knew he would snitch and spoiler alert: HE DID #noregrets. This would only be the same if I found out about the Matt vote and blew it all up to Matt, yet I didn't and somehow Jake is no different than me. Save it- the difference between us is I actually treat you like an ally and you treat me like a fucking number. But I am somehow supposed to trust Jake when all I do is give Jake more chances to prove he's reliable and trustworthy and he flops. There shouldn't be multiple instances both from this game and Crossroads of you being a shitty ally- that's ugly and well all know it. Jake enjoys screwing me like the selfish manipulator he is and he cost himself real allies over people who throw his name out all day everyday. I can't wait for him to read all this back, know who really had his back, and just how badly he played himself BECAUSE THAT'S NOT WHAT ALLIES DO!!! AND THE FACT THAT YOU KEEP DOING PULLING THIS SHIT MEANS YOURE NOT REALLY WITH ME AND IF YOU KNOW I COULD EXPOSE YOUR ASS WHY ARE YOU TESTING ME?!?! Big mistake https://media.giphy.com/media/ynxEIAfEyXjzO/giphy.gif https://media0.giphy.com/media/11LARa1r9DA4mI/200.gif And Julia really cut me deep because I thought her of all people would actually be honest with me out of respect. She's essentially saying she doesn't trust me with the Matt vote and that's why I got left out yet it's not what it looks like and I shouldn't be mad. But did we or did we not call earlier so we could "talk everything through?" You left a lot out sis, just so you know. MY FAVORITE PART is me and Rebecka calling her out on call as the Mo source but since she got the vote to be Matt and kiss-and-made-up with Mo, it's all good in the hood. Ummm NO IT'S NOT ALL GOOD and fuck this "do you guys have any more questions?" Get that condescending bullshit out of here- how we a pre-made Final 2 and you running blindsides on me? Keep it- Heather can have your allegiance I don't want it. I can't believe I gave these Crossroads snakes a fair shot and this is how they repay me- by making me look like boo boo the fool. That's ok though: Jake, Julia, Heather, Shoib- they all walking into jury next just watch also I recant from before- I love Eddie and he's the only person I actually ride with (besides Rebecka and lowkey Mitch). Like yes he's probably a bad influence and has Dr. Brenner tendencies but at least he's loyal. Everyone else will flip for anyone and anything and I'm like where is your self-respect. All I know is once I get power it's over for these hoes cause they just made enemies with the baddest player out here so let the games begin https://78.media.tumblr.com/e89499d0128508de7390015ff96fcbbf/tumblr_odd64ysiZI1snzc37o1_250.gif

Bamboozled- a memoir 

Ok so last vote I felt like having a little fun since there was no drama and that's boring. Mo came to me and asked me what happened with the Ben vote and I told him that someone told me about a 5 person faves alliance so I panicked and voted out Ben. So the part where I heard about the 5 fave alliance is true BUT I heard it from Jake. I told Mo that Eddie told me about it and I also told Mo that Julia is the one who leaked it to Eddie. So then the vote is between Julia and Mo because Mo starts going around and throwing Julia and Eddie under the bus. Julia gets online and is PISSED OFF, she starts gunning for Mo. Eddie was sitting pretty since he was safe from vote off despite me telling Mo that Eddie leaked to me. Then Julia and Mo make up and turn the vote to Matt and he ends up going home. Out of all the 3 names spread last round none of them were fans names. Now this round we have Eddie and Julia murdering each other and I am just sitting pretty, this is perfection. Eddie and Julia will go for each other til death do them part. This will come back to bite me soon but for now imma enjoy it.

I love Julia but, LOVE BE SAVING MY ASS RN. HER FIGHTING EDDIE IS AMAZING. SORRY HUN

I’m so over this drama, I’m sure somebody else explained what went down in their confessionals but now there was a huge fight between Eddie and Julia. A pineapple gown with glitter on it, bitch? Girl I just can’t take this, it’s too much, gimme my pocketbook I’m leaving.

These kids think I'm floating, that's it I have had it. Time to crank it up a notch

Ok so last vote I felt like having a little fun since there was no drama and that's boring. Mo came to me and asked me what happened with the Ben vote and I told him that someone told me about a 5 person faves alliance so I panicked and voted out Ben. So the part where I heard about the 5 fave alliance is true BUT I heard it from Jake. I told Mo that Eddie told me about it and I also told Mo that Julia is the one who leaked it to Eddie. So then the vote is between Julia and Mo because Mo starts going around and throwing Julia and Eddie under the bus. Julia gets online and is PISSED OFF, she starts gunning for Mo. Eddie was sitting pretty since he was safe from vote off despite me telling Mo that Eddie leaked to me. Then Julia and Mo make up and turn the vote to Matt and he ends up going home. Out of all the 3 names spread last round none of them were fans names. Now this round we have Eddie and Julia murdering each other and I am just sitting pretty, this is perfection. Eddie and Julia will go for each other til death do them part. This will come back to bite me soon but for now imma enjoy it.

i just love to start drama

so julia called me after the mo vote explaining that the whole eddie vs julia fight started with jake shit talking eddie. now i got them on call and hopefully they can work things through because i want them both to target eddie over each other so WOOOO let's see what happens. love you amanda lynn

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE ME THE ENERGY AND STRENGTH TO GET THROUGH ANOTHER DAY IN THIS GAME WITH JAKE AND JULIA I AM FUCKING EXHAUSTED!!! ALL THEY DO IS LIE, TIPTOE AROUND TORCHING MY GAME, AND SPREAD FUCKING CHAOS AROUND CAMP AND I HATE IT. I'm at work? Julia and Jake are stirring the pot. I'm on my lunch break? Julia and and Jake are stirring the pot. I'm out with my family and using my 8% of phone battery to do a mastermind challenge for Atomic? Too bad because Julia and Jake are stirring the pot. I tried to take a fucking nap today and you know what happened? IT GOT INTERRUPTED BY EDDIE CALLING ME TO TELL ME THAT YEP YOU GUESSED IT: JULIA AND JAKE ARE STILL STIRRING THE POT. CAN I FUCKING BREATHE AND OPT OUT OF THESE JULIA AND JAKE NOTIFICATIONS THAT I NEVER ASKED FOR??!? JESUS FUCKING CHRIST https://78.media.tumblr.com/2ff5849875cf45c8711b1b55220c4adb/tumblr_inline_oqvdwiJ7vP1qmpins_540.gif FUN FACT: SNAKES SLEEP BUT YOU CAN'T TELL BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE EYELIDS! WHY DOES THAT SOUND FAMILIAR??? OH RIGHT! BECAUSE THERE ARE SNAKES IN THIS GAME WHO LOOK LIKE THEY'RE ASLEEP CAUSE THEY AINT RESPONDING TO ME BUT DON'T WORRY! THEY'RE AWAKE THEY'RE JUST ON CALL IN PMS STILL SERVING FRESH TEA AT 2:04 IN THE MORNING ON A FUCKING WEEKDAY SO MY PARANOID ALLY WONT GO TO BED AND APPARENTLY THAT MEANS NEITHER CAN I AND IM SICK OF IT DAMMIT https://media1.tenor.com/images/9ce8330ea91f82d27ef3ceefbb69f277/tenor.gif?itemid=5307285

ok this is for julia post game. listen BITCH. i only leaked what you said to eddie twice (i think) well two major times so stop thinking that i’m a snake who leaked everything you said like YOU did to me with Ned in Crossroads. i told eddie you told me about your alliance with Rebecka/Matt but that wasn’t to put a target on you, Eddie did that by coming up with the idea to tell Matt you leaked it. Also I told Eddie that you said he was a snake in games and fucked over his friends because I wanted to know the truth. So yeah. I recorded a video confessional that i’ll post soon.

ok so i pulled out my macbook and im sittin here like xoxo gossip beckka.  so heres the gossip!!!!!!!: a. i have no fucking clue how i won touchy subjects and im thankful for immunity but now it makes me look like i know what the fuck is going on in the game and i DONT i really really DONT!!!! much spook very scare. b. i missed a lot of the drama this round. like really im so confusion.  i accidentally answered the call the other night right after tribal and then had to stay but i was too high so i said see ya later pals!! and went to sleep.  Then yesterday at work the main chat was blowing up and i didnt have the energy, patience, or phone battery to keep up with it.  Now this morning im in my alliance chat with eddie and autumn and theyre like referencing "what happened last night" and im like fuck i went to bed at 9:30 right after cash show like FUCK why am i always high or sleeping???? i should talk to my therapist about that tbh.   c. eddie comes to us with this mastermind plan that we need to get out not jake, not julia, but SHOIB.  what has shoib done? where are these numbers coming from?  how is that not going to come back to haunt us next round? d. ive goat a bad feeling about tonight.  instant tribal? fuck.  i was prepared for it to be a physical endurance comp when amanda asked if we'd all be around with a computer bc i know i can probably win that but its not on cam so FUCK ME RIGHT????? e. im rlly tired f. when i get voted out and put in jury im going to respond purely in cortana suggestions for a day or so and not tell anyone and see if anyone notices g. ok thats it for now tata, cya later alligator, hasta la pasta & all that jazzy stuff bye!!! xoxo gossip beckka

update 5 mins later: eddies heart is telling him he cant vote jake. autumn and i rlly picked the wrong ally huh 

also i miss matt double also i wish heather left instead of ben 

Update: 5 hours before tribal and Jake rlly be coming to me spilling cold dollar store tea with a broken tea bag and there's just gross, cold,  loose leaves floating around 

I just wanna win man, send em all home.

happy to be immune bc the chances that we're going to rocks I'll put at like 70% hehe 

i literally don’t even know how to process what the fuck is happening shit changed every 2 seconds i’m so confused ok so basically i helped flip the vote on matt last round because julia started to think that mo was being used and i knew that matt might have the idol bc eddie told me he probably did so i did that but left eddie and autumn out of the vote obv eddie was wicked mad and started going off on in the main chat and julia suspected that i leaked stuff to him based on what he was saying last night trixie called me and told me that julia was saying that i was a snake so we all called her and she said that eddie threw me under the bus to her and was leaking everything i told him about julia so i admitted it i was upset so i basically confronted eddie and he told me that he never leaked anything to julia and that she actually exposed me etc so i got pissed the fuck off and told eddie autumn rebecka trixie shoib that i wanted julia out julia gets home and immediately confronts me so i know someone leaked and trixie told me she was pretty sure that autumn or rebecka leaked and i don’t think trixie wanted me and julia against each other so we called our chat and i got julia to admit that autumn was leaking stuff to her and telling her that i wanted to vote julia out and that autumn wanted me out and autumn said that all the boys wantrd her out so now i’m fuckign freaking OUT BECAUSE AUTUMN IS A SNAKE AND PLAYING ALL SIDES AND JOW IT SEEMS THAT PPL WANT AUTUMN IUT I OFJT KNOW WHAT THE FICKNTO DO JM LITERALKY FREAKJNG OUT OMG FJQJSJDNSNSBS WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPNING THIS GAME IS LITERALLY CRAZY

I am very upset rn. I have had the hardest time just trying to survive this merge because everyone is againts me. I first have jake throwing me under the bus to eddie. FOR WHAT JAKE. i am still furious about it because he legit had NO right to do me like that. Like NONE. So ive been calling him back and forth but there is apparently a bigger snake in the game. Hi autumn! She wants to lie and say the boys all want me gone. She only did that to ensure heather and i were left out of the vote. How fucking low of her. I deadass opened up to her and Eddie, and I get done like this. Its a Shame truly. Anyways, i have to now worry about surviving yet AGAIN, and to get autumn voted out.

Im at work and i think autumn will officially be out of season! 

My mood is Julia and Heather selling me out on International Women's Day as the Julia leak to be with power snake Jake and ugly ass Shoib but doing it in front of Eddie, who told me immediately, so not only am I staying but one of these antifeminist hoes is getting rocked out. Can we talk about that I KNOW Heather and Julia are full of shit so how has no one thought that maybe I forced all this?? Like they wanna clock me for playing the middle but the gag is I'm about to chop the tribe in half and there will be no middle as of 9 PM EST. Me still surviving the strategic mess I accidentally created? More likely that you think- legends never die. I was scared about tribal, sure! And then I remembered who I am so I'm  excited for this messy ass 5-5 vote and why wouldn't I be? I now have 4 strong allies in the other faves, Mitch is turning on Shoib, Eddie is going against Jake, I found the right people who can keep a secret and have my back, and a line is being drawn in the sand tonight. Jake and Julia ain't going to rocks over no damn Shoib and I surely will call their bluff. The snakes are working hard but I'm working harder https://78.media.tumblr.com/4d981ac983bcb46cbba1ef0358d4b27d/tumblr_oq0f7ahXLt1qb87xmo5_r1_250.gif I can't believe Jake and Julia have the audacity to make an enemy out of me THIS EARLY. They thinking about Crossroads when they need to studying All Stars and Himalayas cause Crossroads was the exception in my org career not the rule. I'd like to politely remind everyone that my brand is flipping votes, poisoning jury, forcing ties, and getting shit done. So the way I see it is I'm just getting started- I have enough votes to stay by forcing a power play and I'm blowing this whole tribe up. I cannot wait for Jake and Julia to see who they're dealing with and shut the fuck up for the first time all week. And don't let me win immunity cause it's REALLY a wrap. Timing is everything in this game and I simply don't believe tonight is my time. It is time to take the trash out though and I got my gloves on and my Lysol ready https://78.media.tumblr.com/f28b1221360a1842c17d4a5af90fe6ec/tumblr_op2o8k2P9u1slyfzno1_250.gif

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pt_dZVzZUXc&feature=youtu.be

SHIT WERE AT TRIBAL AND I FORGOT THIS KSNFLSDNFSDKF WERE GOING TO ROCKS I HAVE BURGERS AAAAAAa

#TurnUpTheHeat #confessionals

[strawberryspeachy]

So I came home from Miami with a really bad cold - I wasn't worried I figured I'll just sleep it off but my mother freaked out and made me go to the doctor (because when I'm gone she cares about me) so I went and was rudely told I don't have insurrance... my health insurance was stopped a month ago and they never notified me

That's shitty in general but more so because a couple days later I've gotten a bunch of gynecological problems.... ones I'd REALLYY like to go see a doc about

Well my mother only cares about stuff for a second - she made me drive to the doc when I was super sick and felt dizzy and didn't wanna go - but now she doesn't give a fuck because I actually really do need help

She told me it's my fault I lost my insurrance because obviously one of the 50 spam calls I get a day was my insurrance and I just hung up on them!! Cause you know they wouldn't leave a voicemail or anything

And how dare I want any medication or worry about it

Like as if worrying that I have an std isn't bad enough I have this psycho woman screaming at me everyday

Today I asked her if she would like some garlic bread - she then came to the kitchen and told me I was in her way - as if it's a shocker that after I asked her if she'd like food I'd be in the kitchen cooking said food

And then she asked what I made with it

As if I was supposed to make her a whole meal and that if I had made someone elselse for myself I should give her some

The other day I went to a work meeting and it was soooo cold and I was still relatively sick and I came home thinking about making this ramen I have that I can only buy hours away - she came into the kitchen as I was cooking it and because it smelled good I should give her some because SHE WANTS IT AND IS HUNGRY

I HATE NOT HAVING REAL FAMILY. I HATE NOT HAVING THAT EMOTIONAL SUPPORT. I HATE THAT IM EVEN RELATED TO THAT PSYCHO WOMAN

Just since I came home she has

1) complained that we don't have a microwave (she broke the microwave - the 3rd one in a fucking year) but acts like this is a tragedy that's happened to her

2) screamed at me for asking her to clean the floor being that it's only fair since I've scrubbed it clean every time it needs it for the past 5 years - because she does SOOOO MUCH - including going to the laundry mat to do laundry but screamed at me for suggesting she help me convince my grandfather get a washer and drying (because she likes complaining that I don't drive her out to the laundry to do said laundry)

Um just screamed at me for random shit every day in general including some fit where she randomly went off on me for literally no reason at all and started calling me names then got angrier when I got angry in response

Someone left a mother and kitten at my farm again - the mom got hit on the road before we found them but we have the month old kitten now - my friend and I took her up near where she was found and put her in a tent hoping that any sounds she made might lure out her probable siblings that were hiding (it didn't) I came back to the house where my friend and I are playing with the kitten very visably and my mother asks if I brought the kitten back to the house - as if I just abandoned the kitten like an asshole

Later she told me to get away from her room with the kitten that has fleas because you know - if we get fleas she'll be sparred from them cause she's just so much better than the rest of us and two days later told me I have to feed the kitten - as if I I'm stupid and hadn't already been feeding the kitten --- literally yelling at me about this kitten like I'm the one who abandoned her

This is mind you the exact way she acted toward the last kitten we saved and have to feed milk --- she's mean and tosses the kittens away (literally tosses and then acts like she's a nice fucking person) when I yell at her for being cruel to them she screams at me that SHE DOESNT WANT TO DEAL WITH THEM ITS NOT HER JOB --- the kitten we had to feed milk she would dunk her face into the milk and yell at her to drink or else she wasn't gonna eat and screamed at me for daring to ask for help despite the fact that I was working at the point - something that woman has refused to ever do

Then she flipped out at me for giving the kitten away to someone who actually wanted her because THAT WAS HER KITTEN- she only started calling her her kitten when I said I might have found someone to take her

I also told her she could keep the kitten if she was going to be nice to her and take care of her properly and not expect other people to do it for her and she made her usual 'feel bad for me I'm such a victim' face and said no she didn't want her cause the correct way for me to handle that in her eyes is "I'll take care of this kitten but you can call her yours"

I fucked up the other day and while trying to get rid of the fleas on the kitten and stop them from going on my other cats I used frontline...... for dogs and then had a panic attack and washed all my cats and cried thinking I might have killed them all (luckally they're all fine) but I said it and my mother started yelling at me about how stupid I am for something about the frontline but not even the issue that was at hand - as if she didn't take out puppy outside without a leash (which we all told her never to do 10000000 times) but she knows best and as a direct result of her thinking she could call a puppies name and he'll listen - he got hit and killed on the road -- that was an accident that's not her fault at all in her mind btw

Like jfc I don't wanna be back in this house... i wish she had never moved into my house

Like it sucks because even if I got her kicked out my grandfather has gotten used to her taking over my moms role of taking care of him - he thinks someone should take care of him even though he's fully capable of taking care of himself - but refuses since my 1930's mindset mom and great grandmother treated him like a child his whole life and I don't wanna cook his meals and fix his stuff and call people for him and wake him up for work

And quite honestly the only thing she does that I actually like that would need done is make sure my mom eats and takes her pills - and my mom now acts like a 2 year old who doesn't wanna eat their broccoli with every meal so... yeah it is actually a fucking pain

My whole life I've wanted a boyfriend for companionship and emotional support and someone to actually celebrate occasions with since my family sucks... and for the past 6 I NEED ONE SO I CAN MOVE OUT OF MY HOUSE WITH HIM LIKE EVERY OTHER COUPLE I FUCKING KNOW

I wanna die being stuck here with all of this bullshit

Like my mom is basically gone now... not like she was when I freaked out in the summer - she's much better than that but now her only responses to you talking to her is to immediately laugh before you even finish speaking if she likes you ----- if you don't sound happy she either makes a surprised face or a face like she'll cry - whichever she thinks is the face you want to see ---- she has no idea what I'm ever talking about

If I ask her a question she starts trying to answer whatever one popped up in her head first or goes off the first word you say for example: I say "where" she'll immediately start looking and walking around. She has no new input to anything she has memorized her answers to the most common subjects people talk to her about and she'll recite the same answer no matter the context of the conversation and if it's a topic she doesn't have a memorized answer to - it's a free for all - she'll still recite an answer

She didn't even tell me happy birthday this year unprovoked.... I feel like maybe I used up all my sadness... or I'm just too angry... but I can't even be upset by it anymore... I'm starting to forget what it was like for her to be all there... I'm forgetting what real conversations with her were like.... like all I can remember now are the times when it was apparent she was getting dementia ... things that's she says that she used to say... I remember the things she did and what life used to be like... I remember the things she said over and over again... but I don't remember our actual conversations

Probably because the last time my mom was ok I not only was in that phase of my life where parents are just sooooo embarrassing but I was depressed and detached from life and angry all the time... I don't remember much of what anyone said...