#im an hour into the episode and i think i meed to take a break

[antiresperidoneclub]

hey just venting

tw; gender dysphoria, self harm, csa, domestic abuse, drug abuse, violence

my entire life i grew up in a bubble, my parents put me in that bubble. as soon as i could understand speech i was told i was worthless and trash. growing up my mom was a coke addict an my dad was a coke dealer. shed always beat me and kick my head in until i couldnt see. and when my dad was around he would drink till he passed out an if he was touched you were slapped or spat on. i ended up taking my moms coke and doing it in the woods behind our rented house. ive always been in poverty, i remember when i asked if my parents had 100k they laughed at me and said "what a stupid fucking question". i saw my gd from an early age but ingored it, thisll come into play later. i ended up being beat more and more by mom and dad. i turned to heroin and any drug that would or will kill me. after i kicked heroin and everything else, i turned to self harm. id spend hours slashing at my wrists trying to tear my body apart. i used to think it was because of the r*pe but i realized it wad because of repressed dysphoria. one last suicide attempt and im living with my dad, oh yeah, my parents divorced winter of '17. 2018 i was in and out of hospitals for suicide attempts, self harm, episodes. and tbose sirens,,,, those fucking sirens. everytine i hear a siren i can always tell what its coming from. i hear cop sirens? i run and hide. i hear abulence sirens? i break down and cry. i hear firetruck sirens? i freeze. im suprised im even alive. and now because my parents had me at 17 (yes, 17) i have 9 diagnosed mental illnesses and 15 out of 16 years of repressed and undealt trauma. im soon going into foster care and my dad knows. i hear him EATING with my brother and his gf. he dosent feed me, he HIDES food from me. because im "too expensive to keep up with your appetite" motherfucker im a growing girl and i meed food, ive barely eaten a full meal in 2 weeks. not to mention my dad disapears for weeks to monthes on end. hes a manipulator. i hate him. i dont trust him. i want. him. gone. i want to be free. i want to be in a house where i dont have a panic attack everytime someone knocks on my door or enters our basment suite. i just want a normal childhood. i want to be

normal

#cptsdsurvivor #cptsd #actually cptsd #cptsdrecovery #cptsd problems #bpd #actually bpd #bpd feels #bpd thoughts #bpd problems #deppresion #help me please