#im at the stage where i literally cant stand the sight of it and am convinced it is pure garbage but nevertheless hoping you'll like it

[bloodstained-white-jacket]

hello im here to talk about lupin eating dirt (this was originally a scrapped concept i gave for one of dukeswonderousmenagerie's aus, ty loopspoop for giving idea fuel teehee)

tw for body horror and the concept of bugs living inside someone's body

ok SO this anomaly is literally just. brainworms KJHJGH it kinda functions how the curse influencing does but just. worse bc its slowly taking over their brain (and everything else) JKHGJFH it works in stages (using lupin as the example for it)

first stage he just seems kinda sick, he sleeps longer, spaces out n forgets what hes doing more often and generally has less energy

second stage hes exhausted really and spends most of his time in bed (since his body is trying to fight the entity off as if it was an infection or smthn so that really saps his energy) he gets really spacey, like so unfocused that half the time he doesnt even respond when being talked to. despite this he will occasionally get up and be found just. standing in corners staring at nothing or be found wide awake at night just laying there in the dark with his eyes wide open

then theres a small space between the second and third stage where hes p much in a coma for 1-3 days while the entity fully takes over

and then in stage three hes completely gone and the spooky behavior ramps up teehee his eyes are glazed over and lifeless, he cant talk aside from quiet humming noises, he'll scratch at his skin until he bleeds n often scratches at walls n other surfaces until his nails break, and he seems to just. develop pica out of nowhere he'll literally go outside at like 4 am and start digging into the ground with his bare hands and eat handfuls of dirt, then later puke up an odd mix of blood, live worms, anything else he mightve eaten and the aforementioned dirt.

the live worms are the interesting part, bc if he did happen to eat any, theyd be dead from either chewing or yknow. stomach acid. no the worms he pukes up are literally the ones that took over his brain, like. theyre breeding inside him and infesting his other organs and turning him into a (barely) living nest. the ones infesting his stomach just happen to get puked up with the random stuff he eats

in less than a week after entering the third stage the worms are infesting literally every single organ in his body, theyre nesting inside his lungs, intestines and even his heart. theyre even managing to get into his veins

when jigen finally puts him out of his misery, the worms seemingly panic and leave his corpse in mass. the sight of what seems like thousands of worms crawling out of lupin's mouth, nose and even escaping via the bullet wound almost makes jigen sick

luckily all of the worms leave before lupin revives so he isnt infected again, but they still move to a different hideout since jigen is pretty sure the worms had gotten into the walls-

#dont say i didnt warn you with the tw bc it gets nasty #liii:(b)wj #idk if this is written well bc i. ran out of all of my meds and can barely think rn KJHJGHFG #but i tried :) #tw body horror #tw bugs #tw emetophobia

[searidings]

How are you doing? How is life going? Just checking in on you

on all levels including physical this is me rn

#this is so sweey tysm for checking in #im good!! vibing #feral from last night's canon implicit supercorp love confession but what else is new #real life is uhhhhh happening but again what else is new #trying to kick my own ass into gear to finish my big bang fic!! #im at the stage where i literally cant stand the sight of it and am convinced it is pure garbage but nevertheless hoping you'll like it #also i always know it's gonna be a good day when i get some rando offering to be my sugar daddy on here #and that's just happened again so it's really shaping up to be a cracker of a week #this is really so lovely tysm i hope you're doing well and are having an amazing day #<3 #asks #anonymous

[heliophilial]

𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒖𝒔 . (a tbz 3rd year anniversary special)

genre :angst ,fluff (more of brotherhood)

group and member involved :the boyz ,all members are involved !

between :the whole group and thebs hello cuties <3

warnings :u may or may not cry but i cried typing this so gluck ig HWUJDF

word count :844 (i didn’t count my notes to thebs and the boys in)

brief description :when all seems dull ,when times are grey ,it is only when we are together that the world gains its colour .theres no one else like you ,no one else like us ,theres really nothing like us .

playlist :literally just nothing like us by justin bieber like a 1 hr loop or smth ,depends on how long u take to read this

before you continue to read also please note that ‘we’ refers to thebs here !!

quiet .peaceful .light snores of the members filled the dorm .the room filled with nothing but darkness .black shade hovering over the members faces .they had just wrapped up a little celebration in the living room with cakes and party poppers to celebrate their 3rd year together not long ago .shortly after wrapping up the party ,they had fallen asleep on the couch ,all lying on one another comfortably .

sangyeon slowly blinked his eyes open .he rubbed his eyes and slowly unwrapped eric's hands from his waist and placed chanhee's legs that were on his lap onto the space of the sofa that he had previously occupied .careful to not wake the members up .

he looked at the members' sleeping forms and smiled ,glad that they were finally able to catch some rest after their packed schedules .he walked to the kitchen to fetch himself a glass of water and at the corner of his eyes ,he spotted a glimmering light .he placed his glass down and approached the light that was so very alluring for some reason .

there on the shelf of where all their awards have been placed on ,laid a book with its contents blinding his eyes with its bright light .he inspected the book for a while before proceeding to open it with caution .

inside the book ,there were sketches of the key moments the members have shared together such as their debut stage ,their first ever music show award as well as their first ever full length album promos .as he flipped to the first page that displayed their first moment together ,there were harsh winds blowing past him and a force from the book pulled him towards the page and right into it .

he looked at the 12 boys on stage ,introducing themselves for the first time to the whole wide world .and he looked at them with pride and honour in his eyes ,the boys' who had no idea what being idols would be like for themselves ,clueless of what the future had in store for them .he looked at them from the bottom of the stage and sucked in a breath ,"wow we've really grown a lot ."he thought .

after they had introduced themselves as a group and individually ,the sight in front of him suddenly pauses and his attention gets diverted to the door to his right .

he walked into the room .

he gets transported to the very first time they cried together ,over the pain ,over the stress ,over the tiredness of it all .

he looked at the 12 boys shedding tears of pain .he swallowed the lump in his throat ,the feelings of helplessness ,confusion ,fear coming washing over him once again as he sees the very moment they broke down .

tears flows down his face ,and that my friends are tears of the caretaker ,the leader ,the person whom the members depend on ,lee sangyeon .

as heavy as the weight he carried ,the tears poured like a fierce and powerful waterfall .

and then the door right next to him yet again invites him to step into yet another memory .

he steps onto the stage of road to kingdom ,and as he looks ahead the ending poses of all their road to kingdom stages are there right in front of him .all the members still and not moving ,just statures .

he walks down the long stretch ,as he looks at the legacy they left behind ,the power and strength ,the confidence from these stages that the members have gained progressively with each stage .

as he finally reaches the other end of the stage ,the screen opens up to when they had their 'the stealer'promotions .where they had their wins .

his smile grew wider and wider as he walked through all the performances they have done for the stealer and all the trophies they have gotten from the era .

and finally he reached another door .a door with a question mark on it .

he opens the door ,to pitch black .

darkness ,just darkness .and the fear in sangyeon grew ,"what does this darkness mean ?what is it gonna be for us ?"

suddenly , the door creaks open to reveal the members one by one .

sangyeon looks up at them and suddenly the fear stops ,hes no longer afraid as he looks into their eyes .

they ran to him and extended their hands out to him .

he proceeds to embrace all the members into a big tight group hug .drops of colour starts to paint the room ,slowly forming a picture showing the many stages they have performed ,every milestone theyve achieved ,the concerts ,every moment with their fans ,every moment together ,every vlives .everything starts out when theyre together .

we opened the door carefully ,proceeding to join our hands together and form a circle surrounding the boys .as we cried tears of joy and pride ,we hugged each other as well and this is when we knew

"theres nothing like us ,theres nothing like you and me ,together through the storm ."

for thebs

thank you for being one of the most caring ,loving ,welcoming and inclusive fandoms ever .to all the thebs all around thw world ,thank you for supporting them and giving them love as well .i love yall <3 lets protect them at all costs ♡

for my beloved boys

hello my loves ❤ik its 12 am in korea already but i still just wanna type this for you !so there's really a lot of things i want to say to you ,im sure many of us have already said whatever im about to say but i will still say it to remind you or to let you know that ,yes ,you do make me feel that way ,you do make me feel those kinds of feelings .

i dont know how ,like no nothing at all can show how grateful i am towards you .i cant tell you how many times there were this year when i just got beaten up (mentally)to the point that i couldnt even have the energy to stand back up and continue life normally .but whenever these times come ,ik i just know even though youre not here physically ,i know you want me to stop crying ,i know you would want me to stop hurting myself and i know you would stay with me even when my walls come crashing down onto me .you made me feel the greatest kind of happiness possible ,i never knew that this feeling was even possible to feel until i met you .

there was never a moment when i regretted stanning you ,supporting you and giving you all my heart and soul ,my energy ,everything .i just want you to know that you are so special ,so wonderful ,so incredibly talented ,so hardworking ,so beautiful ,just the most amazing bunch of people ever .ive never seen people so passionate ,so ready to help ,so genuinely loving and caring towards the people who love them .

i know its hard to be an idol ,and i know that its especially hard to even speak your mind ,speak what you wanna say without having the media chase you down .but i just wanna let you know that we are and will be by your sides forever .no matter what happens ,im sure ,very sure u know that u can run right back into our arms like how uve always welcome us back into urs .u are the people who made me feel the most bizarre feelings ,beyond happiness ,beyond joy ,beyond euphoria ,beyond all the feelings ive ever felt in my whole 16 years of living .

we are so proud of you of how far youve come ,how much youve accomplished .im so so proud ,so so happy to be able to call myself a fan of yours ,a theb ,someone who so dearly supports you .and i really hope you know that .i would wish for there to never be an end to this .for all i know ,im in this shit for life ,forever ,till the end .

im just so happy because of you ,i feel joy ,i see the light in life ,the reasons to live ,so much more prominent to me now because of you .there will come one day ,when we can finally see each other face to face and i can finally shout out to you ,my words of gratitude ,my words of thanks and my words filled with love and affection for you and just see your faces .but till then ,please take good good care of urselves ,rest well and eat well okay !we're always here ,remember !❤

its really been a rocky and crazy ride these 3 years ,you my friend ,are indeed the best character i can ever invite into my story 💜i hope youre sleeping tight ,i love you so much more than words can ever describe .with that ,happy 3 years to my favourites ,my loves ,my bbs ,my shining lights ,my everything ,happy 3 years to the boyz ❤💜💙💛 - berinne

#deobiwritersnet #the boyz #theb #deobi #the boyz angst #the boyz fluff #happytheboyzday #the boyz imagines

[talkbykhalid]

get to know me tag !

tagged by: @lilyunhowrites (hi anna ily <3)

1. It’s your birthday! What did you ask for and did you receive it?

bold of you to assume i ask for anything oj my birthday. my parents always say “this party is my gift for you” or “ill give you your gift on Christmas”

2. What was the last song or album you listened to?

im not gonna count inception bc im streaming it rn (stream the mv and the mcountdown stage losers also vote for the boys. but i listened to <One Day At A Time> by Ateez from their most recent album ZERO: FEVER PART 1. (stream their comeback 🙂)

3. What is your go to snack when you’re hungry or bored?

i dont snack, i like to watch what i eat bc im very conscious of my appearance.

4. What is your morning routine?

so i have this 7 am alarm labelled “workout” and so i wake up at that time to turn off the alarm and then sleep till 9 am then i stay in bed and go through my phone until lunch time :D

5. What mythical/cryptid creature would you be?

i wanna be a fairie 🧚‍♀️ imagine being so tinie and having wings, i could literally just fly up your nose and rearrange your nerves then it’ll be over for you <3

6. How do you interact with someone that you don’t like?

i dont ❤️

7. How do you define a toxic person?

when they’re manipulative, when they groom others, when they cant be happy when you’re happy.

8. Have you ever been to a concert or fanmeet type of event? If not, would you want to?

almost, it was the summer of 2017(?) and my dad said he’d buy me tickets to bts’ world tour bc i was at the top of my class and i was so hyped, we had the prices and the seats checked out (we were gonna buy a standing ticket) but then my school called and turns out the day of the concert was on a school day. anyway i was bummed for a week but its all good now.

9. Do you believe in astrology? Why or why not?

no. idk i just dont understand how people line up their personalities to their signs??? and what even is the difference of sun moon and rising??? how do u know what your moon sign is??? i dont get it

10. If you had only one sense (hearing, touch, sight, etc.), which would you want?

hmm idk really, hearing ig? idk lots of sounds calm me down, but then again sudden loud things scare me. wait ill go with sight bc i can close my eyes if i dont like it but i cant close my ears.

11. Who is your favorite celebrity or idol?

jeong yunho.

12. If you could talk to your favorite celebrity(s) for a limited time, what would you tell them?

i’ll tell him that he’s doing so well and he’s making so many people happy.

13. I’m taking you out on a date and it’s your choice. Where are we going and what are we going to do?

i dont like dates ✋

14. Do you like sweet or savory foods?

i have a sweet tooth, so sweets <3

15. Do you have any band merchandise or merchandise from any of your favorite artists? If so, what?

yes is do actually, when 1D released their first album my dad immediately bought it for me so i hold it dear to my heart. but the last one that I bought was seventeen’s you make my day album and right after my parents found out i ordered it they took away my card 🤧

#lila ♡。 #morado ♡˳

[deobis]

i'm not trying to clown you or anything, but i'm just genuinely curious as to why you bias sunwoo now? like what do you love about him and all? if i'm not mistaken, you used to be hyunjoon-biased correct?

hello! god bless this ask :’) i was waiting for someone to allow me to be absolutely gr0ss and gushy about my sunshine : (

and yes! you are correct :’) i used to be very hyunjoon biased! but if i were to make a comparison,,, hyunjoon was really just a crush but sunoo is the one i really fell for. anyways gush under cut cuz i doubt anyone cares

so if i have to be honest, i “fall in love at first sight” w groups. usually the person i notice first becomes my bias. theres always one defining feature i usually fall in love with. so usually i tend to bias dancers (ex. ten, taemin, chaeyeon, wooyoung, san, etc etc) but with tbz i had exposure to them since boy and had been following their music since debut, but not the group. 

Not until no air dropped did i really begin to fall in love w them. I had a lot of trouble picking a bias w tbz, which is very rare for me but i also think its because i had a ton of exposure to them before. in the boy mv i think the ones that stood out to me were sunwoo hyunjoon and jacob. In giddy up i considered joining the fandom (bc legendary song omg) and the ones that stood out in that mv were sunwoo chanhee and changmin. unluckily for me, i didnt end up getting into the fandom until no air dropped and i spent over a week picking a bias between hyunjoon, sunwoo, changmin, and kevin (as u can see its not that surprising i fell for sunwoo lol,,, it was just a matter of time) anyways, it was a long week but hyunjoons smile really just,,,,,, sold me

like cmon are you kidding me look at that he has the prettiest smile on earth and i still stand by that opinion. and after really investing myself in tbz, i found myself loving his unique dance style. the way he presents himself is so genuine and different from what i usually prefer in dancers. My favorite dancer is by far Ten and my brain auto compares dancers to him but with hyunjoon,,, the style was just so different that it was impossible to compare the two. So yeah I still love hyunjoon a lot! its just,,,, i love sunoo more

tbh i have no idea when i started falling so hard for kim sunwoo. it really just came gradually,,, and thats super strange for my “love at first sight” aries venus :’) though i dont remember exactly what moment made me start swerving, i know his lyrics and rap style played a big part in me becoming the biggest sunoonator on this earth. His first verse in 4EVER is by far the best thing i have ever heard (and in an interview he also said those lines were some of his favorite lyrics hes written!!!

another thing that really swayed me was the bday prank. that clip made me pay so much more attention to him when before i was one track minded on hyunjoon. but seeing him just break down when he realized those he loved weren’t actually fighting showed me how genuine he was. by paying more attention to him, i really just,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, swooned for that dorky smile of his (example below bc i want to c’:)

and his overall quirkiness.

something ive also been loving and noticing recently is his absolute hatred for skinny jeans LOL and same. I literally wear joggers every single day bc i cant be bothered. Sunwoos fashion looks so comfortable and he pulls it off so well! its something i can appreciate and love

and the final thing. this is probably the biggest reason i absolutely love love love him! its the way he interacts and treats his fans. idk if you follow the fancafe but sunwoo updates the most out of all of the members. He basically writes in the fancafe every single day, even if its as simple as “deobis what are you doing?” and no matter what, hes always talking about deobis in his updates and almost always reminds us that he loves us! theres one fancafe letter he wrote that i have bookmarked and saved and its the one where he literally starts off by saying that hes awake at 5:20 am (iirc this was after TFMAs where they won the next leader award) bc he cant sleep and he just pours out his late night (or in this case early morning lol) thoughts and its just him talking about his career and how he is so honored to be able to perform on the same stage as his seniors. he also talks about how he is so grateful to deobis and begins explaining his thoughts about the relationship between artists and their fans and how beautiful he finds this relationship. and he continues to describe what kind of singer he wants to be: a loveable singer who can cheer others up. he said that deobis are the ones who helped him become the person he is today and how he always will be sincere to deobis that cheer for him :’(( this is a super dumbed down ver of his letter bc my korean isnt extremely good but he basically ends by saying he’ll continue to improve for deobis and that he really loves us :( this letter was then posted around an hour later at around 6 am :( so he basically spent an hour writing a letter to deobis at the crack of dawn just bc he wanted to tell us his thoughts,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, i rly,,,,,,,, im so sad hes the sweetest :( 

oh also special creds to @jushaknyeon (especially this hakkjae clown), @noairmv, and @hwqll for clowning me so hard into finally biasing him love u guys sm lol

this is probably way way way more than what you were expecting but i really needed to let it all out :’) i love him to the end of the universe and back! and im pretty sure this time hes just going to be stuck with me :’) (his loss lmao)

if you read all the way down to here im so sorry for wasting your time LOLOLOL here is a sunoo gif as an apology

#eri.asks #uh. this turned out to be way longer than i expected LOLOLOL #fun fact: i officially admitted to being a solo sunwoo stan on his birthday lol #anyways sorry this took so long anon :') #and sorry for the huge wall of text #you dont have to read it if u dont want to :') i just needed somewhere to let it all out and your ask was the perfect opportunity #ty for the ask <3 #and dw u are not clowning me :') the people who really clown me are andy ai and han #sunoo essays

[luboytn]

rami’s thoughts about you

a/n: wow. hi there, yall! if you have any ideas of story that I should write about-jus tell me bout it! I’m writing about rami n all characters he played. hope u will like my work! thx tysm

pairing: Rami Malek x reader

summary: you work at the café. rami is having crush on u and after a long time he finally decided to ask u about your number.

warnings: -

word count: 1500+

_________

I watch her long, tanned legs as she heads towards me. Y/N is wearing a white dress today with various colorful flowers; it reaches almost to her knees. She has ordinary white converss on his feet, which are already slightly damaged and dirty. Her hair is once again associated in a ponytail, which is decorated with a sweet, small bow. At the waist, a black apron with a logo of the apartment is tied.

   I'm asking myself; How does this girl withstand this weather in this outfit? How aren’t her legs freezing when the north wind blows outside the window, which is like a breath of arctic cold, and every other day it is raining?

   I look out the window for a moment. I see many people outside, half of whom are already wearing large, down jackets, prepared for the winter and frosts. What's wrong with this girl?

   I bite my lip and tap my fingers on the table top. It's so annoying to have someone absorbing your thoughts. It distracts you from everything, because it is so unattainable, and at the same time literally, at your fingertips.

    - Good morning. - I hear her velvety, sweet like candy, voice, so I look at her. In addition to small freckles, today her face is also decorated with a wide, snow-white smile, which sends in my direction when our eyes meet. My gaze goes down to the notebook, which she holds in her hands; I stop my eyes for a moment, focusing it on her long nails. Each of them is painted in a different color, which seems to me quite an interesting solution.

   I do not know how long I watch them, but when I hear the girl grunt, I go back to the living and raise my head, looking her in the eye now.

    - Welcome to "Lucky Strike" - she says again - Can I accept your order now? - she asks, and I am correcting myself in my chair.

   I grab a card of dishes in my hands, although I know well that I am going to order what is usual. I am reading letters on paper again, and then I say:

    - Classic Italian espresso. - I smile at her, what she reciprocates, and then sketch something on the notebook sheet.

    - Anything else? - she asks without looking up, and I shake my head denying. - I'll give it in a second. - she says.

   Y/N turns around, hiding a small notebook into the only pocket of her uniform, and then goes away. I suspend my eyes on her perfect hips, but it only lasts a moment.

   I watch her enter the counter. She pushes under the cup shelf one of the crates that lie on the floor and then climbs onto it. She is too small to even now calmly reach for the desired dish. A pretty, charming sight, standing on tiptoe like a ballerina and trying to take off one of the cups. When she succeeds in a moment, involuntarily a creepy smile sneaks into my face, because I can see that it is the one with blue flowers.

   I wonder why she is still giving me coffee in it. I mean, in this specific cup. Literally all the other espresso cups are completely white, and the one that stands out is the one that goes to me every next time.

   Did she bring her it here? It is quite distinct, because it is the only one that is different. Maybe it's a kind of message? Is Y/N trying to tell me something? Oh, what am I saying. What would she want to show through a stupid vessel? That she likes blue flowers? Absurd.

   I shake my head, fleeing my thoughts back to the brunette. I watch her turning on the coffee machine, doing two neat turns. It looks like she really loved this job because you can always see a smile on her face. She comes here every day joyful. She does pirouettes from time to time, for no reason, and laughs at herself, like a small child. It is such a delightful sight that you would like to come here just to see it. It is the best attraction that I have seen in my life.

   I do not even know when, and I start to grin with myself and I have to look a bit strange, but I'm not really caring about it at the moment. I have such a sweet view in front of my eyes, I cant help how my body reacts.

   I feel my heart beat faster when the brunette finishes making coffee and walks with the t towards me. She looks like a kind who intends to show off her drawings.

   She leans over the table at which I sit. She puts a cup in front of me, saying kindly to "enjoy your coffee”. Then I pay attention again to her hands, and more precisely to the fingers that run gracefully through pure porcelain, when, after a really short moment, they disappear from my vision, I raise my head.

   Unchecked, I get up on my feet, almost pouring freshly ordered coffee. I make a bit of noise, so the couple from the neighboring table looks at me, but after a few second they return around.

- Can I still order something else? - I ask, one hand raising slightly upwards, as if I was a student in a school bench. Penny turns to me, then with a smile, returns to me and stands at the table, leaning on it.

    - Of course. How can I help you? - after asking questions, she reaches for a notebook and a pen, waiting for my next order. I begin to feel a slight anxiety and stress and suddenly, immensely strong, I am tempted to drink.

    - Could I get your number? - I say before I even manage to mentally prepare for possible rejection. My eyes widen because I'm shocked that I've gotten the courage to ask her about it.

   There is a somewhat awkward silence between us that echoes in my ears. Believe me, even when you hear no sound, this kind of silence can be deadly loud.

   - My number? - Asks brunette, frowning, and I feel my face paler. I want to break the window next to us and run outside; run and run ahead, so no one would know where I am.

   I'm starting to rebuke myself for my stupidity. Why did not I think she could have a boyfriend? She is so beautiful, kind and young, who would not like it for their self? Who would not want it to be their property? She may even be engaged or, worse, she has already got married; she has a child or even a bunch of them.

   My hands are prone to itch because I really want to smash something. I'm mad at myself. Why didnt I thought about that I may be not her type? She probably already noticed that I come here five times a week, at the same time, and order the same coffee; and when I do, I start to observe her. I don’t exclude the possibility that at this stage she considers me a murderer or a pervert. If I was her - would have thought about myself that way. What normal guy, approaching up to fourty, looks at the same woman, in addition younger, for a year, grinning like an idiot, while drinking coffee?

   - I think it would be better if you were to give me yours. - I hear Y/N’s voice, which pulls me out of the momentary state of reflection. I am slightly confused and try to understand her way of thinking. I raise one eyebrow, remaining quiet.

   Does she not want to hurt me by giving me the wrong number, but she still has no heart to reject me?

   - I do not have a phone, I'll call you from the booth. - she explains, probably seeing my embarrassment.

   - Oh - I say - Yes, sure. Give me a piece of paper, I'll write it down for you - Im trying to sound natural, although I have a panic attack inside.

   The girl pulls a piece of paper from her notebook and hands it to me with the pen. I enter my phone number on the card, trying to preserve the cute character of the letter. When I finish, i give it to the brunette, she puts it in her pocket, after folding it in half.

    - What happened to your cell phone? - I ask, hoping that I do not violate her privacy or I do not enter delicate topics. Who knows if her phone has not been stolen recently, along with other valuable things? Or maybe she has no money to buy it?

    - I just dont have it. - she answers briefly, seems slightly embarrassed. She has her head down and the pen in her fingers. Oh, if you could see her now; how sweet she is. I bet I assigned her this epithet at least fifty times today. However, it fits perfectly with her, she could be a definition of this word.

   At this point, it does not even seem strange to me that she does not have a cell phone. Well, I admit that in the twenty-first century, it's harder to find someone without a phone than with it. Especially when it's a person, more or less, my age, and Y/N seems even younger.

   Then I start to wonder how old she actually is? She looks like she is twenty-one, plus I've seen her drinking alcohol more than once, so she can’t be younger, right? I would not call her older than me, I'm sure. Therefore, I estimate that she may be about twenty-two years old. However, her low height and the clothes she used to wear make me puzzled, because if I look only at it, I would call her a teenager, maybe even a preschooler.

    - I'll call you before I start work. I hope you are not asleep before eight. - she says with a smile that I reciprocate.

    - No, I'm not sleeping. Relax, you have nothing to worry about. - I'm lying, because I usually get up at ten o'clock, but I would pick up my phone even if she was going to call in the middle of the night.

    - That's good. - she smiles, hiding the card with my number in the pocket of her uniform. - I need to get back to work - she says, in a sweet voice, then moves away from the coffers in a lively step.

- I’m Rami, by the way - I'm screaming after her before she can get far away from where she would not hear me anymore. She only turns her head, and from her mouth movement I can read - "I know."

It does not take much to wonder how she knows my name. In fact, I immediately reject the idea of ​​divorcing myself.

   I sit back in my seat and let it out of my lungs. I'm still watching Y/N, until she finally disappears from the field of my vision as she enters through the dark door to the back.

I want to jump around the whole café; just shout and run around the tables, ignoring the others. I cover my mouth with a hand when a stupid, pride smile sneaks into it. With the fingers of the other hand I hit the table top, because my body is not able to behave calmly now.

Joy, excitement permeate all of me and I have the impression that any moment i will explode from the excess of intensity of these emotions.

I punish myself in my thoughts for procrastination with Y/N’s approach. She is so nice. Who knows, maybe if I started talking to her faster, we would be in a relationship that would bring us closer till we’d become a boyfriend and girlfriend; or at least friends with benefits.

#rami malek #rami malek imagine #imagine #one shot #imagine rami malek #mr robot #imagines #eliot alderson #freddie mercury #malek #rami malek x reader #fanfic #fanfiction #rami malek fanfiction #writing #writer #rami x reader

[coterminalangle]

THE WINGS TOUR ANAHEIM DAY 2 RECAP

-FIRST, I GOT PLENTY OF PHOTOS AND I FILMED ALMOST EVERY SONG (not the whole song for some of them) SO IF YOU WANT ANY PHOTOS JUST MESSAGE ME!!

-so i was pretty close up: section 225 row E

-pre-concert, they played all their MV’s and no one was really hyped for like 2013-2015 MV’S BUT THE MOMENT YOUNG FOREVER CAME ON EVERYONE WAS SCREAMING OK EVERYONE WAS HYPED LIKE BRUH

-they started with not today and let me tell you, the moment they appeared on stage, they looked unreal. literally. they looked like perfectly sculpted wax figures istg

-i couldn’t believe i was actually there; i still can’t.

-they did silver spoon next and the beat was kinda different but it made it more lit so i wasn’t complaining and boi those hip thrusts i dropped my phone

-everything went downhill after that- not downhill like failure of the show, but failure of my heart and mind to process my emotions

-all the songs im gonna recap are gonna be out of order from this point down

-so they performed dope and of course jimin ended with that cute ass heart thing

-lost hit me like a truck

-they did this mashup of old songs- n.o, danger, boy in luv, no more dream??, there were others but i honestly can’t even remember i was too hype

-ok

-cypher 4

-c y p h e r  4

-i am willing to kill to watch that performed live again

-i don't usually say these things but THEY LITERALLY WORE THOSE RICH ASS SUGAR DADDY COATS OK HOSEOK WORE THOSE FUCKING SUNGLASSES AND NAMJOON IS SO FUCKING TALL AND YOONGI JUST FUCKING SLAYED MY EXISTENCE OK

-speaking of daddy, this bitch sitting near me wouldn’t stop screaming daddy throughout the entire concert and i nearly smacked her 

-but yes, cypher 4 made my existence whole again

-SOLO SONGS

-jeongguk that talented ass fucker who can do anything and do it perfectly i can’t with that boy he performed begin so well thaT DANCE BREAK THOUGHT OMF so much talent i-

-jimin was a whole king. a whole king. when they lifted him up in the last chorus in Lie, i almost chocked and died

-yoongi. yoooooonnggiiiiiiiii. ok so first love. they played this vvv emotional video before he performed and it fucking crushed me and then yoongi comes out and slays the entire human race .here was an orchestra and i was so weak ok

-reflection. ok so you see, kim namjoon is my whole heart and seeing him in person was actually so surreal and absolutely unbelievable. sure, call him my bias but he means a lot more to me than a label. anyways, this boi, so fucking tall. he looks so much taller in person. like i have friends that are 5′11 but kim namjoon i dont know why he looked so damn tall maybe because he’s a glowing bean but still i dont understand why he had to look so damn perfect i screamed i love you kim namjoon at the top of my lungs about 67 times. OK AND BACK TO RELFECTION ok you know the whole “i wish i could love myself” part?? well after we started chanting “we love you” he started changing up his lines and i dont know why but they hit me so damn hard just him singing in english and being able to speak from his heart while he improvd in front of 20,000 people was heart breaking and heart warming at the same time

-stIGMA ok taehyung and namjoon swithced places so basically at the end of reflection, namjoon runs inside the telephone box and then taehyung comes out of it. here’s all i remember from stigma: kim taehyung hit those high notes yes he fucking did

-MAMA MAMA MAMA OHMYFUCKING GOSH ok hoseok is pure gold, he couldn’t stop smiling, ohmygod. everyone was hyping him up and he couldn’t stop smiling he’s so ethreal god bless. basically he sat in this chair with the backup dancers around him and he sings mama and all that. and you know that pause before he goes “hello mama” OK LOOK HE STARTED WALKING BACK TO THE STAGE AND HE PUTS HIS MIC ON A STAND AND STARTED SINGING/RAPPING ACOUSTIC OHMGOD BEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE HIS “HELLO MAMA” FUCKING KILLED ME OK YES IM A 94 LINE ENTHUSIAST COME@ ME also during mama thre were videos of fetus hoseok playing on the screen and i sobbed my little boi i lava him so much

-AWAKE WAS MY SHIT I SWEAR OK JIN HIT ALL THE FUCKING NOTES GOD FUCKING BLESS HE’S A KING AND THEN DURING THE PAUSES IN BETWEEN LYRICS HE WOULD JUST LOOK AT THE CROWD AND HE LOOKED LIKE HE WAS GONNA CRY EVERYTIME HE WAS SO SINCERE AND SO THANKFUL AND GRATEFUL I CAN’T THANK THE LORD ENOUGH FOR KIM SEOKJIN

-okok so they performed save me and i shit myself

-they performed run and i was like MY SHIT dude they kept throwing water or whatever that action is called but boy was it a beautiful sight they were so happy i’m so happy

-well fire. um. threw me under a bus and crushed every organ in my body HOW THE FUCK DO YOU EVEN PERFORM THAT SONG SO WELL AFTER PERFORMING LIKE 15 SONGS BEFORE IT BITCH THEY WERE SO IN SYNC I CAN’T BELIEVE

-21st century girl was so cute they were so free and so themselves ive lived

-i need u. wow tears fell from my eyes

-favorite part of every song was when they would just stop singing/rapping and the entire audience just chanted the lyrics tey looked so happy i can’t

-whEN YOONGI AND HOSEOK TOOK OUT THEIR EARPIECES YOU KNOW YOU DID WELL

-OH AM I WRONG WAS SO LIT OK

-they played this really emotional video and it basically was saying how its 7 boys but 1 heart & 7 hearts but 1 boy and i honestly didn’t think it could hit me that hard it was just explainin their journey and how they’ll always walk togther i swear to god i’m whipped sadly i didnt get a video of this video but ohmygod

-everyone served fuckin looks wowow blessed

-seokjin told us that he felt born again and i lost it AND THEN HE GOES “ARMY YOU ARE MY HEART” AND HE HAD A FUCKING PAPER HEART TAPED TO HIS HEART I CANT WITH HIM OHMYFUCKING

-THEN TAEHYUNG TAKES IT AND STARTS MAKING CUTE FACES WITH IT

-ok someone threw some flower plushy i believe on the stage and seokjin picked it up and pretending like he was pikachuing with it god i cant him 

-kim namjoon started thanking his mom for everything hes done and accomplished and ohmyogod i screamed “thats my baby” so many fucking times at all 7 of them im so whipped 

-he started talking about the rainbow and then got all philosophical and i couldnt stop crying hes all “after rain theres always sunshine and thats where rainbows come from” aand im pretty sure he connected us to being his rainbow somehow ohmygod im melting

-did i mention kim namjoon is so fucking tall hes so ethreal i cant even begin to describe how much i love him ok all of them look so fucking good in person they look like gods tbh ohmygod KIM NAMJOON IS SO FUCKING TALL CAN I HAVE HIS HEIGHT IM ONLY 5′6 GODDAMN

-seokjin’s intense waving at the end made my life

-JIMIN FUCKING JUMPED LIKE 6 TIMES OK HE WAS JUMPING FOR JOY AS IF HE WERE JUMPING FOR A JUMPING PHOTO GODDAMN I OVE THAT BOY SO MUCH I CANT CONTROL MY EMOTIONS HES SO PRECIOUS

-HOSEOKS SMILE IS ALL I EVER NEEDED TO LIVE

-also your ears are literally plugged in there from the amount of screaming and hype so all of them sound perfect and have the voice of gods then once your ears are okk you can actually hear reality

-spring day got me so emotional jimin’s dancing man

-2!3! i cant begin to explain

-ok BOY MEETS EVIL HOSEOK IS A MOTHERFUCKING GOD I NEED AIR OK HE SLAYED THAT SO FUCKING HARD OK THANKS

-blood sweat and tears man. blood sweat and fucking tears: a song title that sumed up my entire concert experience. ok but it was so good ok, they were all so into it. DURING YOONGI’S FIRST RAP VERSE HE HELD OUT HIS MIC AN EVERYONE CHANTED HIS ENTIRE RAP OHMYGOD BEST MOMENT HE LOOKED SO SATISFIED I LOVE MIN YOONGI

-oh yes during that really emotional video they played you never walk alone and i lost it

-i probably forgot a shit ton of stuff but i hope this gave you insight on how to die and live at once

-one of the best nights of my life-i cannot begin to thank bangtan for their wonderful performance and ability to hype up 20,000 people and get them all to scream “i love myself” and to get a crowd to scream lyrics in a language they don’t understand or speak

-all 7 of them asked if we will walk with them forever, so here’s my answer amongst the 20,00 people screaming, crying, and hype: bangtan,  i will never fail to support you and i will never fail to stop loving you. thank you for proving that dreams come true, even if those dreams seem like a reality because we’re numb to believing the nearly impossible. thank you for letting me stick by you and thank you for bringing the freshest sense of life and love and reality. so yes, i will walk with you, out of pure love and inspiration.

#btswings #btswingstour #btsanaheim #btswingstouranaheim #wingstour #wings2k17 #anaheimday2 #bts #bangtan #bangtansonyeondan #bangtanboys #the wings tour #bts wings #bts anaheim #bts wings tour #bts wings tour anaheim

[sparklemybuttercream-blog]

Wedding Speech - Joe Sugg Imagine

A/N - Hi can you do a Joe one where it's the reader and his wedding and the buttercreams do a really embarrassing speech for them x If you don't want to or can't that's fine ❤

“I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may kiss the bride” My smile grew even bigger as I felt Joes lips on mine. Hearing everyone around cheering and clapping, I felt the tears building in my eyes. I finally married my best friend. 

Walking down the aisle hand in hand with my now husband smiling and waving to all our friends and family. My feelings right now wouldn’t process. I am literally over the moon with happiness. All I could hear were people cheering “Yes Sugg” “Go On My Boy” and a few faint cries. I still cannot believe this is my wedding day. The wedding day I have been planning since a little girl. I was now living it out. Everyone else was gathered into another room with champagne, me and Joe were guided around the building for photos. We had photos on the stairs, in arch ways, in the gardens, and in front of the country side view. We were then joined by the bridesmaids who happened to be my sister and Zoe, the groomsmen Caspar, Josh, Oli, Jack, Conor, Mikey and our parents. Lastly We had photos with the whole group and I stood there being grateful to be surrounded by the people i love most. 

While everyone moved to the reception room to take their seats, me and Joe waited back a bit giving everyone time to settle. 

“I cannot believe we did it” Joe turned to look at me with a beaming smile. 

“I’m still in shock, I’m generally so happy” I smiled back taking his hand in mine. 

“After 6 years of being together and 8 years of friendship I can officially call you a Sugg” 

“I finally fit in the Sugg family!” I cheered laughing. 

“You’ve always been classed as a Sugg babe” 

“But now we have it in writing”

“This is the happiest ive ever been, even though we’ve been in a relationship for so long, our next adventures start now”

“Our honeymoon, new house, new projects. Im so excited”

“Same love, it’s going to be something to treasure” 

“I love you” 

“I love you too”

“Are you two ready to go in?” The staff member asked. We glanced to each other and nodded. We followed the member of staff and waited behind the doors until we were told to go any further. 

“Can i have your attention” The staff member started. “We’re all there to celebrate the newly weds, so please put your hands together for Mr and Mrs Sugg!” We walked in and everyone was on their feet, cheering. Glad we got someone to film this day, I can look back and remember this moment for a life time. We took our seats in front of everyone while they all settled down and allowed us to get comfy. After all the food was served and drinks were topped up Zoe got out her seat to walk in front of the table with a microphone in her hand. 

“Hope you all are having a good time!” A few yeah’s and whistles flew around the room. “To kick off this evening, we are now going to move onto the speeches” Zoe turned to smirk at us both while i groaned and Joe nervous laughing knowing how embarrassing this was going to be. We watched as Josh took to the stage first also smirking as Zoe handed him the mic. 

Joe placed hand on my leg and lent in close. “You know this is going to be interesting” 

“I’m dreading it” I laughed turning to face Josh and linking my hand with Joes.

“I get the pleasure of starting this off. I remember meeting you Joe for the first time then i didn’t leave your apartment for months. I basically followed you and Caspar round like a lost dog. You used to get grumpy when i finished your milk or i didn’t wash up after myself. I can clearly say you haven’t changed. You’ve been a good friend buddy you’ve helped me through a lot of shit and i’m grateful to have a friend like you. I’m glad you found a girl like Y/N, she’s kept you in place but at the same time you’re still the Sugg i first met. Y/N you have a lot of work now that your married, he’s going to become even more lazy. You’re a talent women and you’ve been there to listen when i needed someone to. You’re like my sister and I wish you both the best for the future. Ill be round soon so you can cook me food” I’m glad Josh went first because he wouldn’t embarrass us. He’s the nice one out them all. 

Next was Mikey. 

“Cor i get to do a speech. I’ve always been the target and now i can target you two. You’ve been good friends to me over the past few years. Despite the bad things Joe has made me do or forced me to do such as having a leaf blower in my face to wearing tight red lacy boxers to trying to light my farts. I’ve even had to eat dry protein powder ruining one of my many black t-shirts. Joe your crazy ideas make you as a person, you’re one heck of a guy and you are very lucky to have Y/N, anyone would be. Y/N thanks for looking after me making sure i have eaten. No wonder i cant shed weight. I look forward to raiding your new sweets draw by the way”

Next was Conor. 

“I would like to thank Y/N for introducing me to Joe, because of you i made a great friend and because of Joe I made even more. Y/N i would like to thank you for staring in so many of my covers and even on my album. I mean i still say i have the better voice but I’m not going to judge. I cannot believe you two are married now, I’ve seen your relationship grow these past years and I look forward to having something like this. You two are literally a perfect match. Joe i dont even know what to say about you. You are one of the most hilarious down-to-earth guys i know. You deserve to be happy. I’m glad it’s Y/N who has to deal with your strange ass. I’m surprised she can handle it. She has to wake up to you farting, coming home drunk but then again thinking about it you are both as crazy as each other. I remember coming round once and you both swapped clothes pretending to be each other. That was a weird sight. I wish you both the world of happiness you both deserve it” 

Next was Jack. 

“Suggy got married! To a gorgeous girl also i should have started youtube sooner maybe i could of snatched her. Im joking im joking. Seeing how happy you two are together makes me want this but it also makes me sick but in a good way. You are both good friends to me i couldn’t ask for better people in my life. Well sometimes i could replace Joe after what he’s made me do. Clamping my hand, sticking sellotape to our heads and ripping it out our hair and daring me to run down the street naked. I hope you enjoy people licking your ears Y/N because Joe will be doing that a lot when he’s drunk. trust me. I remember Joe telling us he was going to propose and how nervous he was. You should of heard the other plans he had. They weren’t as romantic. Y/N thank you for appearing in my videos to give me more views. Thanks for the many shout outs too. Like i said, you’re a beautiful women inside and out i know how happy Joe makes you. You’re both weird and I’m glad i know you. Hears to the future”

Next was Oli. 

“Mr Joe Sugg? The Joe i know is actually married now! It feels so weird saying that. I’ve known you for so long and you haven't changed one bit in a good way though! You both have helped me through a lot over the years with projects, videos, and life in general. I do appreciate it. Joe you are an absolute nutter. Seriously. I couldn’t ask for a better friend what friend would draw penis’ on your body or do jump scares every time we meet or would make me stay up will ridiculous times in the morning to set up pranks. I mean what friend would have a cardboard cut out of me? You better move that into your new home. I’ll always be watching then. Your relationship is probably the strongest i know. You’re both so open and that can be taken in different ways. I’ve seen them both naked. It was a few strange moments. Some moments i wish i could take back because i can still see them imagines in my head to this day. I also remember when i turned up at your apartment Joe was wearing this horse costume and Y/N was dressed like a cowgirl. I didn’t want to ask what went on. They said it was for a video but i dont believe that. I dont like to think what goes on in their minds. Moving on, Y/N you are one in a million you’ve been that one friend i can always rely on even if i’m in a bad mood you put up with me and i can speak on behalf of the other guys as well. You have so much patience and i respect you for that. You have a wonderful mind and a heart of gold. You are both lucky to have each other and im glad to call you both my best friends” 

Lastly, Caspar. 

 “I would like to start off with thanking Y/N for breaking my heart, you killed jaspar. I’m joking jaspar will always be round. I have known you both since we all started Youtube together. Remember our gang when we first started? The 3 of us, Zoe, Alfie, Tanya, Jim, Marcus, Niomi and Louise. Then it grew bigger. But look at the two of you now, i know you both never expected to get this far in life. I respect the both of you because you don’t take the famous title seriously, you just see yourselves as normal human beings doing something you love. It’s been amazing watching you both grow and seeing the success you’ve achieved. I couldn’t have wished it on better people. Joe, You are one or the bestest friend i could ask for. You are also one of the craziest dudes i know. Very spontaneous also. I could stand here all day and tell all our stories but i don’t want to bore you. Thank you for being my travelling buddy over the years. I’ve had some of the best memories with you such as doing Hit The Road. What an experience that was ay?  and for everyone’s information i am still the best pizza maker here. Im not thankful for the pranks though. Filing my room with cups of water, setting many alarms, posters of my face all over the walls, filling the room with balloons then Oli popping out with a clown outside and the best one turning my apartment into a slip and slide. I’m also not going to miss seeing you naked when i walk into your room. I am defiantly not going to miss hearing you and Y/N have sex either. You loud buggers. The amount of times i’ve walked in on you both, i still do it today it’s like a curse! Y/N, i still remember meeting you for the first time. You were so shy and timid and now, now i cannot get you to shut up. You are like a boy only when it comes to burping though. Ive seen you when you only had a few thousand subscribers and now you are the top female Youtuber in the UK. I am so proud of your achievements. You seriously deserve it. If i ever needed cheering up i knew you were and still are the person to text or call. You are a positive soul. You and Joe have always been perfect for each other. You are literally the same person. I hope you both the best as a married couple. I love you both.” 

I continued to wipe away the tears which were flowing from my eyes. I couldn’t of asked for better friends or a better husband. 

#Joe Sugg #joe sugg imagine #ThatcherJoe #Caspar lee #caspar lee imagine #Josh Pieters #josh pieters imagine #Oli White #oli white imagine #Conor Maynard #Conor Maynard Imagine #jack maynard #jack maynard imagine #Mikey Pearce #mikey pearce imagine #zoe sugg

[artistically-ethereal]

Healthy Emotional Release, getting this off my chest.

First off, dont worry, I’m fine now.

I just have things i need to get off my chest , just a release I’ve sort of been feeling down in the dumps, not feeling motivated, feeling like I’ve sort of came down from where ive been before. I remember being able to do things. Go out with friends, sleepovers, go out with my mom and just do things. Now it seems like a cage, im stuck, trapped and just overall i feel upset with myself, though knowing it’s not my fault and there is nothing i could’ve done. Though i do have myself at fault for a few things. My lack of self motivation, my lack of communication, distracting myself with useless things, letting my time go (waisting it on such silly things), Ive napped longer then i should, escaping into a black pit of no dreams. Though when i dream, it shows me things i want, but can’t have. I’ve distanced myself from people, for a while, pretending i had things to do, in reality i knew i just wouldn’t be able to go or just feel like the “third wheel” in a crowd with plenty, the one that walks behind everyone so i can let people into conversations to not exclude anyone but instead exclude myself. I’ve had more problems with my mom in the past few years than ive ever had, my sister and a good friend of mine being an emotional lifesaver keeping me from drowning in this self hate.Ive tried getting motivation feeling it get dragged out of my grasp from my moms stinging words, unknowing her affect. If i bring it up im bombarded with words of “so? I am an adult i can say what i want im your patent and i have ownership of you im boss” i have no way to put one word in, nothing can be put into her one track mind , she doesnt let people say she’s wrong, her voice had to be louder than mine , im weak and unable to stand up for myself, scared.im Bi, though leaving way more towards a lesbian, my mother is homophobic, but only with her kids, she doesnt care if someone else is gay, just not her kids. I brought it up and there was a great mention of disownership, that id have to choose between her or who i love, i mentioned what she said a year later, she lied saying she didn’t say that, though it was drilled into my mind, i knew she meant it. I am treated like an infant, being watched over not being allowed to leave, I am no older then that of a five year old, craddled at home, just waiting for time to pass till i can reach the next stage of maturity. Ive been unable to support anyone, having been unable to support myself in desperate times, my own mother blames me for her lack of motivation , hoping i do everything for her, but i cant, i get a “you dont do anything”. I do things, i am living, breathing trying to stay alive in a world that has fate trying to exclude me from society, in a more literal sense, i do everything for her. Ill come to her when called even though i was calmly listening to music all the way from my room just to grab a remote that is literally in arms reach away, ill massage her when i am at my most busiest, ill go to the car in freezing weather for her, ill do things for her but in return when I don’t do one thing for her its always a push of blame and a guilt trip of “you dont do anything” , “i gave you life” , “who’s boss still?”. I am honestly scared of my mom, i know when im 18 im free, but im still scared shes my mom , my little bit of retaliation can lead to lots of my pain, it already has once.This year my art has gone down hill, ive found myself doing things last minuet not caring about it as much anymore, wanting to just pull my hair out in frustration knowing i suck, but i dont. I havent painted in my favorite medium, finding a way to punish myself for no reason with out causing physical harm to myself and causing worry, im not sure why i would do this. Ive worn no sweaters in the cold, wash my hair in the morning letting it freeze, have refused to shower at times, let my laces stay untie and let myself trip, i guess ive let myself go, abused myself in subtle ways, not knowing what ive done, not taking care of myself the way i used to, i get sick more than i ever have in the past few years, colds, flus, coughs. I don’t feel great here in this state it emotionally drains me, i used to live in California, i visit and that is when i feel healthy,; taking daily showers , wanting to go outside, cleaning my room, going to recreational places, finding i talk to people easiest there, i know we did this move so i didnt grow up in the bad parts of California, but still i long to be back. I gained some motivation, and i am working harder now, but i feel like i get a mental slap every time ‘someone’ opens her mouth, just turning me down. In a way im scared for the future, knowing it holds a dark path i must trudge through, many battles ill have to face. Turning 18 will be the worste one. Ill start college and have to find a way to get away but still be financially stable. I know ill have a few concrete smooth slabs on this path making it easier, but im just hoping this year isn’t a dissapointment. Im feeling better, getting myself turned around, at least im trying and knowing i have some amazing friends, and have some motivation, ive liked my body a little more and have found my type of things (music, art, sights), ive gotten rid of some emotional toxins in my life, i’ve seperares a bit from someone who’s influenced me so much but hurt me in the end, I’ve learn to observe and do things, im trying and thats all that matters, ive had good times with my family, its just there are things i have to try to handle. Ive decided to make a personal blog to help do a daily log, and vent more often, im taking care of myself more.

This honestly was hard to write and hard to post, but im happy that i did.

And really im fine im doing better.

DONT ANY OF YOU CALL SAFE TO TELL, BECAUSE I ALWAYS HAVE A FEAR THAT ILL BE TAKEN AWAY FROM THEM, because when i was 5 i was a daredevil and always hurt myself while playing and was sent to the hospital so many times im on a record for child services when really is me being not save and im afraid one slip and ill leave my family. Im the most different one in the family, i know is hard but I’m almost there, i feel better now than i have in the last few years. Thank you, and once again I AM FINE. Im not looking for help, or a reader just to help myself calm

#me #myself #my post #emotional #im fine

[myinnerletters]

Covid 19 Ramblings.

28.04.20

Wtf. i dont even really know where to start with all of this, because I feel a million waves and thoughts of overwhelmed. It’s in my chest and in my heart and it feels like drowning, and suffocating and not being enough.

Never enough. Nothing’s ever enough. Career. Life. Friends. It’s all never enough. i dont know how to deal with my emotions. I don’t know how to feel them without feeling like I’m a crazy person, a feeling and a habit taught at 16 years old. Any emotion feels out of control. Feels like i’m spiralling out. I feel like im mourning for the life i had, and i’m scared i’ll never be able to return to the things that once bought me joy. WIll I ever be able to perform my show again? will there be space for the arts again? The world feels scary, and it feels like it’s cut out for the rich, conservative, like minded people who don’t like individuality and don’t want people thinking for themselves or standing up for themselves. I know there are signs for hope everywhere but i dont feel hope. I feel sad. I feel empty. I feel lonely. I feel like a pain in everyones way, and that no one cares about me. I know this is dramatic, and like a teenager thing to write.

So many people i know value their partners, they are their everything. For me, my friends were my everything. But when it comes down to it, i don’t think i matter or mean anything to them. People say so, but i think thats because i’m good at making people feel good. I’m a rock. 

Juliet wanted to talk about her mother and then she wrote a piece and asked me to read it. And the suffocating rose up in me, and i had to listen to music to drown out the silence. And i realised in that moment, that I need noise. I need distracting. Silence for me is as good as being ignored. Silence is someone hating you, someone saying they are done with you, pretending you are not important to them. And then Juliet tried to psychoanalyse me and tell me that i needed to feel that emotion, but i dont need her to tell me that when i’ve spent the last six years deeply unpacking it all.

I feel like i’m in the way. I feel like I don’t know what my purpose is. I know mum always says i know what i want but i feel so jaded now, so over it, so full of doubt and self criticism. Like my dreams and my realities cant happen. Like i dont have the same energy to pursue the things that i once thought mattered so much. Who am i if none of this matters anymore? Why do i do what i do?

And then theres the matter of dating. And the fact that, I dated an asshole last year who got me to open up. Who made me feel like I could finally cut the bullshit and have an adult relationship, something i despise that i’ve wanted. He was such a dick, constantly nitpicking me, constantly making “jokes”, constantly trying to put me down. Why? I know I never really fit the jewish school mould, but that’s fine. That’s never been me. Why did he despise my difference and think it strange and weird and want to change it. Why was i weird, and say weird things, and not as mature as him - because i chose the arts and because i was kooky? i dont think I’ll ever understand.

But now i’m so guarded. I’m so over it. I’m so ... cold? a bitch. just a bitch. I like cant handle a joke, a guy teases me and I start to get defensive. Why am i being a sarcastic bitch. Why am i pushing them away and then being like surprised when they do. Why do i keep picking assholes, expecting them to be different.

I feel like i’ve always felt like I knew these truths about me that no one else knew. The “i’m not talented” and “i’m cursed” and somehwere deep down “i’m destined for great things”. I’ve told myself for so long that I am cursed, that i dont deserve the good things, that theres no one out there for me, and that this pattern will keep continuing. 

Pre covid, i was really starting to get into the groove and making some good decisions for my life. I didn’t feel the need to search for love, I was investing the time in myself. Now i’m seperated from my friends and family, I miss everyone so much and I feel so alone. Rebecca can go to a beach house, jacqui can go shelter with her boyfriend. And then im left alone here, with a cat, crying for an entire week because my PMS is so bad and then i fear the gynaecologist gas lighting me and men gashlighting me and its a spiral.

Tonight i stopped messaging people, i felt so shit about myself. Told myself no one cared about me. Told myself they didnt care and found me annoying. I always feel that way. That people think im annoying. That i’m in the way. That i’m a nuisance. And i hang out with rebecca and its fun, and then i come up here into my room and cry again and feel uncertain and overwhelemed and like i’ll never be able to achieve anything again, and that my world as I’ve known it is over for good and theres no way forward.

It feels like giving up. It feels like constantly giving up. It feels like no energy and no motivation and no inspiration because there’s no end date in sight. I wish i could go back even to January, to hobart which was both so hard and sad and so full of joy. I wish i could hug my family a little closer when i saw them in feb, i wish i hadnt made mum feel like shit. I wish i could hug each and every one of my friends more and stayed present instead of worryign about a future that is literally on pause. I wish i had gone out more before. I wish I had lived instead of living my life according to rules i put in place in my head to tick off and complete for success. I wish i’d enjoyed my time on stage and not seeked out an award nomination for validation on my craft. I wish everything back then hadn’t felt like nothing and not enough, cause now when nothing is happening, those things feel like the world and I wish i could have lived in those warm moments of joy and excitement, instead of telling myself that they werent enough and that i had to strive harder for more. I miss the simple things the most now. I’m so sad thinking about all the things I miss. I miss my family so much. I’m worried so much about them. I wish things could kind of go back. Not to the world we were living because that didn’t work. But i wish i could go back and enjoy my life because I miss it all. 

[novapopstar]

Let me tell a story about true love and loss.

This is one of my favorite stories to tell. And at the same time, its one of the hardest. You don't really get second chances. But if you were able to take that second chance in something you horribly screwed up on, you would take it, wouldn't you? This is gonna sound exactly like those very cliche white boy romance movies that try to be kinda edgy, i know it does in the beginning. Ive lived long enough to know that. But she... She was everything to me. Ive lived so long feeling nothing. She brought a spark to my dead soulless empty life. She was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Its the reason i took that second chance. She can never know i exist. It was the beginning of summer of 2015. The final day of high school. I finished the exam at least an hour and a half early. And as most 18 year olds do, i put my earbuds in at full blast and passed out at my desk without a care in the world. Im awoken by an earthquake. The worst earthquake imaginable. My name is being screeched by what i can only describe is a Pterodactyl. I pull my headphones out of my ears. "What, Kamyrn?" I am not a happy boy. "The bell rang like 15 minutes ago." Are you serious? "You...didnt wake me up sooner?" The pterodactyl shrugs. "Didnt seem like i needed to just yet." I shouldve punched him right through his ginger face. He had a pale complexion, although more color than mine, freckles on his nose and cheeks, bright green eyes and the most irish looking red hair youve ever seen. Hes actually Italian. Hes basically what you call a cinnamon roll in meme terms. "So theres a music venue happening tonig-" "Nope." I stand up quickly, fix my bangs, and throw my hood up. I tried to bee line for the door but the fucker is always faster. I do NOT do social gatherings. Hes lucky i even talked to him. "Cmon, Tyyyyy! I want you to meet my friends. Theyre playing tonight!" "You know i dont like social events. I cant handle them. Besides i have to get home an-" He grabs my arms and pleads with his eyes. "Just this once? Pleaaaase?" I sigh. I hated it when he did that. I loved him so much i could hardly say no to him most of the time. "Fine. When do we go?" "We can start heading over right now. Theyre setting up and we can watch them warm up!" "You actually seem more cheery than normal. Anything special happening tonight?" "The Goddess, Tyler!!" Of course. "The Goddess" was a girl named Diana. The love of his life. She was literally too perfect. Beautiful black flowing hair, the deepest of blue eyes, beautifully pale skin, the most perfect smile. The sight caused Kamryn to become speechless. Especially since her father was there at the venue. The venue was basically as normal as you can get i guess. Smelled of sweat and heartbreak. The colors were a mix of greys and more greys. It was a really spacious area with some dining tables and chairs. I believe there was a bar at one end of the room. And right in the back was a big stage where they kept all the equipment for the bands. Big speakers lined the sides of the stage including the top of walls for surround sound in the building. This....this was the place i met her. Kamyrn was being interrogated by Dianas father, Marcus. Kamyrn sweating profusely. I mean, i dont blame him. Marcus was ripped and that rugged look and deep voice of his was something to feel threatened about. If you can picture what a roman soldier looked like, ya got Marcus. Diana was giggling and watching Kamyrn squirm the whole time. My senses were broken when the lights dimmed down and the first show was about to start. And as if an Angel has glided across the stage, she appeared. She was the most stunning thing i had ever laid eyes one. Shoulder length chestnut hair, from afar youd think they were green but she actually had hazel eyes, she had the sweetest smile, and i cant forget the red streaks in her hair. Her voice was something of an angel. And i caught myself staring. Ive never been a believer in love at first sight, but, damn... There was no mistaking it. I had slowly began to fall for her that night. But of course, i always have something come up to ruin my moments of bliss. Heres the part where things get complicated as all hell. I finished that graduation exam an hour and a half early because, ive taken it at least 25 times by now. At least at that school. I passed with flying colors because i know all the answers a little too well. The reason is the dumbest reason you have ever heard of. Im an 182 year old, as of 2015, vampire with the body of an 18 year old. All my features resemble a scrawny emo kid. Right down to the black nails, the black eyeliner, and the black emo hair. My purple eyes are natural however. Right now im having what is called Cravings. Now listen, i do not love being a vampire. Ive been running from that life for years. So i cringe at the thought of feeding off a humans. But at this moment in time, i am in need NOW. Therefore i cannot just waltz over to the nearest bloodbank and "charm speak" my way into dinner. I had to do my best to leave the venue without causing suspicion. I keep my eyes closed as i turn to Kam, holding a hand to my head. "Kam, dude im really sorry. The whole social thing is really getting to me. I really have to head out. I do not feel well." "Im really glad you tried to make it though, Ty. Ill check in on you later okay?" I nod and make the horrible mistake of opening my eyes. Kamryn wasnt looking however. But someone else did. My eyes tend to change color depending on the need. Right now theyre clearly gold. Gold for hunger. I quickly make my way out into the alley way. I hate every second of this. The alley smells like rotting shit and cat piss. Its the least of my worries. But its all i can smell. I need that trace of blood. Now. This isnt fun for me. I hate having to walk up to an unsuspecting human and trick them into letting me feed. This woman didnt deserve it. But they dont know what theyre doing when the "charm speak" is involved. Im able to pin her to the wall at this point, shes moaning in pleasure very loudy as i sink my teeth into her neck. I want to vomit. But i swallow and keep it down. She slumps down the wall unconscious. I didnt bleed her out, i never drink enough for that to happen. I fix her body in a way that when she wakes up, she'll think she just passed out from intoxication. Poor girl.. "A vampire? Never wouldve thought." I spin around, blood sorta dripping from my chin. I had made sure i was alone. It was just Marcus. But i didnt know why Marcus would have known. "Clean yourself, boy." I dont even blink as i wipe my chin furiously. "W-why did you follow me?" "I know the actions of a vampire when they need to feed. You showed clear signs back at the venue. I also saw those eyes of yours." "Well, what do you want from me?" He smiled wide. "Youre obviously no threat if youve been living the human world for so long. You nearly looked like death feeding off that woman." I looked defeated. "I didnt have the time to make it to a bloodbank, sir." Needless to say, i was taken back to venue after it was all cleared out. Kamryn looked worried as hell when i got back. "Dude, are you okay? I thought you were going home?" I smiled weakly. "I just needed to take a walk. Marcus found me to tell me to come back so i could meet your friends." Kam flashed a big smile. "Well the only one thats still here is-" "Emma." The Angel had spoken. Kam decided that was good enough and had walked over to flirt with his goddess. "So, a vampire huh?" I blinked. "Im sorry..?" She pointed to the shoulder area of my jacket. The fact Kam never noticed still annoys me. She laughs. "Thats not really the reason. I just know." She smirked. "Ive seen a few in my day. None looked like you though. Why are you trying so hard to seem human?" I felt it was pointless at this point. "I despise vampires." "So you despise yourself?" "Precisely." "Does Kamryn know?" "He can never know." She nods in understanding. "So yeah, im Emma Grayson." She extends her arm and i shake it nervously. Her hands were always so soft. Not to mention calloused. But the best hands ive ever held. "Tyler Deravious." This Tyler didnt realize what he was getting himself into. How this meeting would change his life for the worst. You dont get a third chance. If i could turn back, i would. I cannot begin to tell you the regret i feel writing this all down. I ended up leaving my apartment that i had been illegally living in for years now and i moved into the mansion that i never knew existed in chicago. This mansion housed demon slayers. An immortal roman soldier demon slayer and his adopted daughter. I had chosen to slay demons as well. Including my kind. Things only get more complicated from here. ------------- So im thinking about writing a story out that ive had in my mind since 2015. Im not the best at writing but maybe i can get better along the way if i stick with it. I dont have a name for it yet, but heres the prototype Prologue for my most favorite story ive thought of. This story is an emotional rollercoaster. But it follows the life of Tyler Deravious, a Rogue Vampire who hates the thought of being a vampire. He becomes a demon slayer and learns what its like to have a family after so many years. Falls in love. Learns to be less awkward and more brave. He has to help defeat a great evil that threatens to destroy Chicago, and maybe the world if hes not careful. It might just turn out too much for him. Im really hoping i can do something with this. Its all original! So take my shitty prologue and give me some critiques.

#vampire #original story #no title yet #demon slayers #demon hunting #angst #prologue #rough draft #prototype #romance #action #tyler deravious #emma grayson #kamryn steelwater #marcus #loss #pain #critique me