#im coping pretty well all things considered but i can't deny that like

[angeldiaries777]

life update maybe idek i just vent and its very personal and a little boring

im forgiving my family for my own sanity and well being. even if we're not as close as we used to be which is normal cuz were all getting older i hope that we can just stay civil and not toxic. im starting fresh. besides all of the mental trauama lmaoo. what im saying is im gonna try to create different thought patterns for myself and just maybe get on anxiety medication so i don't hurt others or myself. yeah. idc. but im tired of seeing people as my enemies. while i was a victim of abuse for a long time i cant deny it i just can't stay a victim anymore. sorry. i want to control my outcome. i don't think i will ever be good with certain relatives but i want to atleast be chill with my parents. yknow. and its not like those relatives are awful people. they're just average grown adults who didn't know how to speak to me when i was a child. nothing wrong with that. there were also good moments. i don't want to have such a negative view of my childhood because honestly it was pretty amazing compared to most i just also was scared of being happy because i thought id be stupid if i did things to help me cope better with my mental illnesses. im not. finally been staying consistent with brushing my teeth for thr first time in 2 years and eating more. not like a ton cuz its difficult for me after a restrictive ed however progress is progress. i just really want to make the last few months and next year really count. knowing that love from a distance is possible and even healthy. goodbyes are normal and ill figure it out with time. for once in my life i feel as if the world isn't on fire anymore and that i might be okay. still mentally ill. just learning that its okay to heal at ur own pace. and just cuz u thought something negative doesn't erase all of the good that you have done recently. honestly my goals now are to gain more mental clarity and to learn more about life and this world. i want to be ready for adulthood. time is going to pass regardless might aswell try and be present. and i know what i've been through. and no one else needs to validate me. and confidence. gonna work on my confidence issues aswell. not regarding my looks. physically im literally the girl that 7 year old me wished she looked like and while that makes me beyond happy i want to be confident in my beauty and for who i am as i learn who i am. and what i actually believe in. where my morals stand and such. basically ive i don't want to say matured because thats true but ive felt that way before i think i have just actually realized that theres an entire world out there outside of my anxiety brain and that i am fully capable of love and living a healthy happy life. no matter how difficult it was and will continue to be considering im human i know there will be other tough times. and ive already overcome so much at such a young age i just feel ready almost for whatever is next. mental illness and my relationship with it oh my god that could have its own post entirely i think i will stop typing tonight because my fingers hurt but i want to write about how healing with mental ilness feels especially with brain fog omg that would be super interesting and

[streetsandsodiumlights]

man things feel pretty great lately (except for the constant exhaustion) but i keep thinking about how im like, one or two bad days from being convinced that the whole world isn’t real and it’s like. huh. that puts a damper on things

#personal #hallucinating less lately <3 still paranoid as all hell tho #im coping pretty well all things considered but i can't deny that like #a large part of those coping mechanisms IS telling myself that it's all in my head #weeks ago i had a whole Thing happen where i remembered something completely false. like the whole memory was extremely vivid #but it had never happened!! #i had a Real Life Breakdown about it and if i hadn't had a friend to talk to at the time i probably would have hurt myself somehow #like not on purpose just . somehow #very scary in hindsight #and it brought the whooole thing to the forefront and ever since ive just been constantly thinking about how many things i believe #that might not be true?? #and god it's soo hard to even go to other people for like. reality checks. so many of the things i would ask about are BLATANTLY weird #and it's like ok if i know for sure that if i asked someone would tell me it wasn't true. but im still convinced it is true. what do i do #like im living my life by imagining 'what would a normal person do' and just like. skirting around the things my paranoid brain believes #living one step removed from my own head cause MY opinions can't be trusted #not in a dissociating way just in a. having to take time to think extra hard about everything kind of way #it's better when im not alone but ... pandemic! #and also once im out of isolation im not convinced this is gonna just go away like it never existed #cause this is obviously just a manifestation of my existing mental health issues in my current situation #haaaate feeling like im actively going completely crazy. also terrified to talk about it to any medical professionals #i already FEEL crazy and i can't have people actually TREATING me like i am!! #ANYWAY im fine right now im just thinking about it all the time. every second i spend not thinking about something else #im like. i dont . know what to do.... i dont know if it's fine or if it'll get worse #and also the feeling that im just a really bad day from completely losing my entire trust in the reality i perceive....... #im here because someone tw'd 'unreality' and i was like. should i heed this warning. will that hurt me... #i feel like... i should be careful.... and just assume if it'll make me go on a rant in the tags i should probably not look