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#im extremely bored with it rn like... i feel like this month of releases have been stale
ma-lemons · 4 years
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I hope jyp creates a girl group one day that produces some of their own music
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flightfreak19-blog · 6 years
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A Question.
I have been struggling with my anger for years. I am now 26 and it has gotten so bad I cannot talk to anyone without getting so angry and ripping them apart repeatedly in my mind. I wasnt always so angry, it started in Middle School, I wasn’t as busy nor did I have as many friends anymore. I no longer did meaningful things, I wasnt permitted to hang out with my friends or go places after school. I was limited to within view from the back porch of our row-home. 
I get why my parents did it, they loved me and didnt want me to be corrupted. But by shielding me from experiences and problems another one grew. Resentment, Rebellion, Anger, Loneliness, Depression, just a myriad of things that piled up. I didnt go to parties, I didnt hang out or create bonds, I didnt make connections or get into trouble. I was a loner, people knew me, but they didnt want to be around me. Always picked last for activities or sports despite being athletic and intelligent. In high school I was only sought out the cheat off of. After high school, I no longer had social interaction, community college was a waste of time and money, the people there either middle aged or just looking for sex. 
Im not boring you with all this nonsense for no reason I promise, I dont even expect anyone to read this. If you do I apologize for wasting your time. Now 3 years into college money at home was very tight my father couldn't find work for over a year, and I wasnt paying for anything I was using, I felt guilty. So I dropped out, and let me tell you, once you do, you never want to return. So Id suggest doing it right after high school. anyway I started working a dangerous job and making some money, then we moved states. 
That was when this main problem started, frustrated, working a dead end mechanic job, barely paying my bills, helping my parents, no extra money...I had absolutely no blow off valve, masturbation didnt work, its hard for me to get to ejaculate...and if i dont, I get very angry. It started effecting my professional life, snapping and threatening my coworkers until it was taken to management. I was given a final written notice that went in my file. So at the time I was at my breaking point, fighting with family, fighting at work. I had a girl from back home contacted me, said she missed me and wanted to be with me. 
I brought her down she stayed for a week. It was amazing, we were so sexually compatible it was insane. I could release all my rage through sex, all my raw anger, my hatred, manifested itself through intense pleasure for us both. But through that it became more, the feelings blossomed, sure it may have been the illusion of love through lust, but it felt pretty real at the time. She wanted to stay but didnt want to move here and I didnt want to go back, having burned all my bridges and cut ties with family. For that week I was ok, but she left after that week and I was back to work everyday, eat, sleep. 
I had withdraw bad. It was so bad I became ill, caught the flu, ended up 20 lbs lighter from it, but severely weakened. So she came again a year later, same thing, but she pleaded and cried when I said i wouldnt go back...another year passes and I got a new job, much better paying, almost double being a mechanic. I went and got her and moved her down here. My job required traveling, all the time. So she was here for 1 month. I thought everything was fine, apparently not. evil grew between my girl and my family. I was ready to get an apartment and move in with her. Then I got sick, really sick. So sick I was having hallucinations, vomiting, passing blood. I didnt think I was going to make it. I drove home. 4 hours, seeing the dead, watching nuclear explosions, seeing soldiers run in front of the truck. It is a miracle I made it home. 
I collapsed. 2 days I was out. I woke up dry heaving, couldnt eat or drink. figured Id rest and it would go away. a week passed, I got worse,another week passed and I hadnt eaten in a month, I was barely drinking any water. my body was eating itself to stay alive, I lost all my muscles, I was weak and frail. I finally went to the ER. 
They said they didnt know what was wrong, took blood, then said my bill was $800.
I left furious, dizzy and reeling. 2 days later I could barely move, so I went back, They no said I had mononucleosis, the kissing disease. said I need to rest and drink fluids. I demanded to know how I was to drink when I just vomit it back up. They didnt care, just want me to pay $2,000 and leave. I went home and slept. 2 days later, I wake up and something is very wrong, my vision is off, I cant balance myself anymore, Im gasping for breath, my sides are killing me, pain I never thought possible is attacking me. Im in and out of consciousness, I make it to the ER, the nurse rushes me back to the doctor, he looks panicked. Everything is very slow to me, I feel tired, sleepy, I see darkness at the edges of my vision..
I am in a room on a bed/chair, I am having an I/V administered, my father is there, his face is white, I wonder if Im going to die, the nurse returns, her hands are shaking, she plunges it into my arm, it hurts, its a large needle, I watch at the fluid is released to come into me. I see 5 large air bubbles come down and enter my body.
Fear. Extreme fear I have never felt grips me, I look at her and say “you have just killed me” I look at my father to say goodbye. Im gone. 
I am in a kaleidoscope, fans spinning, cows grazing. Imagine a  kaleidoscope spinning endlessly, clowns, kids, school, cars, helicopters, sex, death, explosions, bullies from the past. its gone. Im in space, I see the milky way, I see planets, the sun, stars, comets...I am back at the  kaleidoscope, I see my family and everyone I ever cared about. they are leaving...
I am slapped hard in the face, the nurse is screaming my name, I open my eyes, my legs are in the air, I have death grips on the bed railings. I cant feel my body, I cant feel anything, Im breathing so fast, the nurse is rubbing my head cooing me. My hands slowly regain feeling, my legs start to lower then stop, they are cramped and i cant move them. my arms and hands are cramped into position...
Some time later I am in a bed in the dark. Pain so impossible is coursing through me. I cant move, I cant speak. My whole body is failing, I am told by the RN I have Mononucleosis, and hepatitis. My kidneys, liver, pancreas, and gall bladder have all shut down. I am told if I had waited even a few more hours before coming in Id be dead. To this I laugh and say “you stupid motherfuckers sent me home twice.” The RN looks around nervously and says ‘I dont know anything about that, but id appreciate you not using that language’  For thefirt time in a month I laugh and say “Im almost dead and you care about cussing?”
After all the nonsense is over I need to piss from the I/V. I shuffle into the bathroom. And look into the mirror. I see a face that isnt me. Its an old mans face, worn, sunken, dark rings in the eyes and cheeks. And my eyes, they are smaller and a dark yellow. I looked like a literal corpse. 
So fast forward, Im in the hospital, they cant find out what is wrong with me, They say its all kinds of different things. I get a CT scan, then a full CAT Scan. Nothing. They do an ultrasound...nothing. after 2 weeks my rage meter breaks. I call for the doctor, he insists they are close to finding the problem. I ask him what my current bill is. $30,000. wow. Im done, I get my shit and walk out. They ask for a payment, I laugh and leave.
Sorry to get off track. But during this time my family got to my girl and she leaves. Im alone again. I found out I got sick because of either her, or drinking dirty water...I stay with my job a while longer until I am fred, now I am back as a mechanic.
So in conclusion, my anger is worse then ever but I dont talk to anyone about it, I dont hurt anyone. I just have no relief from it. I hate everything and myself...Any advice?
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perfect-porcelain · 7 years
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All of the questions. 😊
Sorry this took me all day. Thank you dear 💕💕💕 I hope you had a great day 1.Who was the last person you held hands with?These two people Kate and josh
2. Are you outgoing or shy?Both. It kinda just depends on the setting. 
3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?A bunch of my friends at this camp I volunteer at. 
4. Are you easy to get along with?Yes if you can handle the fact that I’m trash. 
5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?Probably 
6. What kind of people are you attracted to?People who are kind, adventurous, and will push me to be a better person. 
7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?Maybe but probably not 
8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?This guy at camp who was flirting with me but I’m an idiot so I didn’t know how to respond 
9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?Usually it does 
10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?See #132
11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?I miss you too
12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?The entire Marianas Trench discography Princess dieBeautiful dirty richTear in my heart Let love down13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?Yesss as long as I don’t hate them
14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?Yes. 
15. What good thing happened this summer?I volunteered at camp and had an amazing week where I didn’t want to kill myself 
16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?… haven’t kissed 
17. Do you think there is life on other planets?Probably
18. Do you still talk to your first crush?I’ve literally never had a crush 😂 yikes
19. Do you like bubble baths?Not really they make me feel sick
20. Do you like your neighbors?Some of them are nice but the ones right next to me are a bunch of dicks
21. What are your bad habits?I play with my split ends and pop my knuckles 
22. Where would you like to travel?Everywhere. My family travels a lot and I love it
23. Do you have trust issues?It’s weird I simultaneously trust and distrust everyone
24. Favorite part of your daily routine?Exercising with my music 
25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?All of it 😂
26. What do you do when you wake up?Either exercise or wish I was still asleep
27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?I like my skin the way it is I tan super easily lol people always ask me and my brother if we’re Mexican but we’re Korean 
28. Who are you most comfortable around?My family, best friend (who actually hates me now), and these people at the camp I volunteered at
29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?Don’t have any ex's
30. Do you ever want to get married?If I find the right person
31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?My guys my hair goes down to my waist and it’s annoying because it gets in the way but I love it
32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?Ew no I’m not about that
33. Spell your name with your chin.No fuck you 😂😂
34. Do you play sports? What sports?I play a lot of tennis. I used to be a gymnast and I really will play any sport my family’s all really athletic
35. Would you rather live without TV or music?Tv I couldn’t live without music 
36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?Nope
37. What do you say during awkward silences?Sooo… I’m the most awkward person I know 
38. Describe your dream girl/guy?Someone who will do fun things with me and make me feel good about myself. Someone who can keep up with me on exercises and push me to keep going. Someone who loves me as much as I love them. Someone who feels things as much as I do. 
39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?I shop at kohls a lot but idk I don’t like shopping that much 
40. What do you want to do after high school?I’m gonna go to college but I really just want to do music
41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?Yes
42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?I’m thinking, in pain, or just don’t know you well enough to feel comfortable talking
43. Do you smile at strangers?Sometimes
44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?Can I choose both? I guess outer space 
45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?I honestly don’t know
46. What are you paranoid about?A lot of things 
47. Have you ever been high?No but one time I took like 15 tylenols at once and got super sick (lol living life on the edge 😂)
48. Have you ever been drunk?No but I drink way too much alcohol for my age 
49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?Not really 
50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?Gray
51. Ever wished you were someone else?Yup
52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?Just one thing? I guess I just want to be a better person to those around me 
53. Favourite makeup brand?Yo I just buy whatever eyeliner will work and is under $10
54. Favourite store?Don’t really have one
55. Favourite blog?There’s a couple. I feel like you know who you are 💜
56. Favourite colour?I don’t really have one so I used to just tell people it was black 
57. Favourite food? Fruits?
58. Last thing you ate?Espresso beans 
59. First thing you ate this morning?Does coffee count?
60. Ever won a competition? For what?I mean I know I have but I can’t think of what for 
61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?No
62. Been arrested? For what?No
63. Ever been in love?With the idea of being in love. Yes. 
64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?Dude never been kissed lol
65. Are you hungry right now?I guess
66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?Yeah they’re easier to talk to and they don’t seem to hate me
67. Facebook or Twitter?Twitter but I never use mine 
68. Twitter or Tumblr?Tumblr
69. Are you watching tv right now?No
70. Names of your bestfriends? Well it used to be Anna but she fucking hates me so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
71. Craving something? What?Coffee and love 
72. What colour are your towels?Blue and pink
72. How many pillows do you sleep with?Sometimes one sometimes none
73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?None
74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?A lot
75. Favourite animal?All the cute ones
76. What colour is your underwear?I think it’s pink 
77. Chocolate or Vanilla?Usually chocolate 
78. Favourite ice cream flavour?Well I can’t have ice cream but I guess play dough
79. What colour shirt are you wearing?Purple with a flannel
80. What colour pants?Black shorts
81. Favourite tv show?I cycle through so many I don’t even know
82. Favourite movie?Probably the blues brothers
83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?Never seen mean girls 
84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?I haven’t seen 21 jump street either 
85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?¯\_(ツ)_/¯
86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?Omg all of them I love that movie I’m gonna go with the shark (I think it’s the hammerhead) that’s like I’m a flipping dolphin let me flip for you
87. First person you talked to today?My mom
88. Last person you talked to today?This kid im babysitting
89. Name a person you hate?This asshole teacher I had who thought he should have control of what I do 
90. Name a person you love?My sister Maddie 
91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?So many people 
92. In a fight with someone?It depends on who you ask so I guess yes
93. How many sweatpants do you have?3?
94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?A shit ton 
95. Last movie you watched?I think it was get smart 
96. Favourite actress? 97. Favourite actor?I can’t choose one I’m sorry 
98. Do you tan a lot?So much 
99. Have any pets?3 cats 
100. How are you feeling?Shitty but excited 
101. Do you type fast?Yeah like at least 80 wpm 
102. Do you regret anything from your past?I regret my past lol
103. Can you spell well?Usually 
104. Do you miss anyone from your past?Yeah especially Gabrielle rn
105. Ever been to a bonfire party?I don’t think so
106. Ever broken someone’s heart?I wouldn’t know but no one likes me so probs not 
107. Have you ever been on a horse?Yeah one time it was in Hawaii which was amazing 
108. What should you be doing?Summer assignments 
109. Is something irritating you right now?A lot of things are 
110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?Yes for sure 
111. Do you have trust issues?Probably 
112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?My friends Emma and Kate 
113. What was your childhood nickname?Booboo 
114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?Loads of times 
115. Do you play the Wii?Yeah
116. Are you listening to music right now?Yes
117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?I used to
118. Do you like Chinese food?Yes but I like my family’s Korean food more
119. Favourite book?There’s so many good ones but I guess Harry Potter and the order of the Phoenix 
120. Are you afraid of the dark?Not really
121. Are you mean?I try not to be
122. Is cheating ever okay?No
123. Can you keep white shoes clean?I doubt it
124. Do you believe in love at first sight?I suppose 
125. Do you believe in true love?Yes
126. Are you currently bored?A little but this is entertaining me
127. What makes you happy?Distractions, exercise, good people, music
128. Would you change your name?If I could think of something to change it to
129. What your zodiac sign?Sagittarius 
130. Do you like subway?I can’t eat it but i would if I could 
131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?I guess at this point in my life I could try it and see what happens
132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?I can’t really remember 
133. Favourite lyrics right now?When your heart releases you won’t fall to pieces 
134. Can you count to one million?The question isn’t can I it’s should I 
135. Dumbest lie you ever told?I’m fine 
136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?Closed
137. How tall are you?About 5'2"
138. Curly or Straight hair?Curly
139. Brunette or Blonde?Brunette 
140. Summer or Winter?Both
141. Night or Day?Night
142. Favourite month?I don’t have one but I’m loving July rn
143. Are you a vegetarian?No
144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?I can’t really have chocolate but dark
145. Tea or Coffee?Both I love them both 
146. Was today a good day?Yes
147. Mars or Snickers?Neither 
148. What’s your favourite quote?Atm “swing for the fences and if you strike out who cares at least you fuckin took a swing"
149. Do you believe in ghosts?I don’t really know
150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first lineI never thought yeh wouldn’t even know (it’s the first Harry Potter but the new illustrated version)
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