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#im getting better in so many ways and im trying so hard to make myself as healthy as possible both physically and mentally
godsfavoritescientist · 8 months
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How do I explain the ways in which the bill origins fic 'A Romance of Many Dimensions' by haley3 rewired my brain without needing to give paragraphs upon paragraphs of context. The fic is something like 200,000 words long. Almost every single good moment calls back to things that are set up earlier in the fic
#godsrambles#girl help 'the colors in our universe are the same as the ones in his home dimension because our universe is made out of a piece of bill'#makes NO sense without adding way more context#not to speak of 'bill is obsessed with ford because he can Feel the same cosmic thread connecting them as the one that drew him towards-#-meeting his henchmaniacs which makes him convinced against all odds that ford is gonna join him'#and the long beginning is set in flatland. its what finally got me to read the book flatland#and now I will literally think to myself 'its not that i Have to do x or y tasks. i GET to do x or y tasks isnt that great'#'i get to live in a physical form that experiences so many vivid thoughts and sensations while on bills favorite planet in the multiverse'#and i will be like 'why should i drag my feet about learning this or doing that. bill was literally trapped in a 2d world-'#'and KILLED to be able to experience a life as 3d and colorful as the one im in'#'and just like bill was so desperate to learn and see and do Everything that the axolotl gave him a ton of power so he could do that.'#'i Also want to learn and do and see everything i possibly can. and i literally HAVE the chance to do that'#'so i'd better start actually Trying to do and see and learn everything i can'#and then i brush my teeth slightly more often or whatever#fucking unhinged and ridiculous way of getting myself to do tasks#the events of this fic arent even my headcanon for bills powers and backstory. i just think its neat!#and now my brain has been permanently rewired by a got dam fan fic.#anyways sorry for all the spoilers but i mean. i doubt many folks would decide to read a fic that long without being intrigued by spoilers#most frustrating thing is that the hard hitting spoilers SEEM understandable without context.#but i promise there is a lot of context missing that makes it make sense why they are good plot points and not just weird random happenings#edit: its 200000 words not 600000. how did I misread that
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8rujaa · 5 days
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okay, i might let people in
#i’ve been nonstop talking to this person for a few days now#like nonstop we’ll have multiple convos going at once and having to use voice messages to catch up to everything lol#our conversations have yet to die since the first one we’ve had#it feels very very very refreshing to find someone who can keep up#and we have so many things in common but like i’ve always found myself to be a lil weird and have out of the ordinary interests#not trying to say that ‘i’m not like other girls’ LMFAO but it’s hard to find ppl with this many things in common#like one or two things i get but we’ve been able to connect on so many things#even like chronic pain which like is nice to find someone who understands#so now i’m like actually excited for the first time about meeting someone#i’m very very excited and they’re so so so sweet#i feel like i can always tell who’s been in therapy because we tend to carry conversations in a similar way … does that make sense??? 🤣#like u know how there’s ‘gentle parenting’#i feel like there’s a specific way people who have been in therapy speak to others#they’re always so mindful of boundaries and also reciprocal#in conversations#we also have the same taste in music which is wild cuz i listen to every genre in existence and music from many different languages/culture#our spotify blend goes crazy 🤣🤣#we’ve only been talking for a week so i’m trying not to get my hopes up but im just excited 😆😆😆#lmao but like even if we just end up becoming friends i’m still happy to meet someone who’s so similar :D#i’ve been wanting friends who also struggle with the same things so we can do selfcare things together or maybe just chill on high pain day#and we will know how to be there for each other a little better than ppl who don’t get it.. i crave that real bad 🥲#i realize i sound delulu as fuck cuz i haven’t even met them in person but i can already tell we’re going to get along 😌😌😌😌#i’m aware of how delulu i sound and maybe i’m getting my hopes up but it truly does feel like i was waiting for someone like this 🥹
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samarecharm · 5 months
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I have so much shit in my drafts. My god.
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officially hit the two month mark 👍 i love being in recovery.
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sodrippy · 1 year
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i will never be a holistic girlie i will never use natural remedies i want chemicals i NEED chemicals i am taking every pill ever made godbless
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peachinspiration · 23 days
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dunmeshi mithruncore (every day I can’t get up to make myself eat at all or get up to use the bathroom or fall asleep or actually do more to help myself unless im told to or someone physically Makes me do it or I finally manage to do so for the first time very very late in the day cuz I forced myself to out of fear)
#im in hell#that thing he said about not being able to sleep without magic or meds is so real#my sleep treatments even stopped working gradually#and if I don’t take any at all im laying awake until fuckinf 7 am#it takes me like an hour of holding it in to use the fuckinf bathroom#and the thing that makes me move is being terrified of kidney failure#it’s 6 pm and I still haven’t eaten my first meal of the day. tried ripping into a protein bar I had saved for moments like this but I can’t#make myself take more than 2 bites#the amount of times these past few years I’ve practically passed out from hunger cuz I just. cannot make myself get up to eat or make myself#something. omfgggggggff#I literally am a magic practitioner and have helped myself with spell work many times in the past yet I just can’t. make myself utilize it#more. yet I have all these books and supplies to use. and I’ve studied for hours and hours and know what to do#and it’s crazy cuz when im high off the sleep treatment THEN I actually do things but I don’t wanna use that more cuz im afraid of getting#addicted uhm. yeah idk what to even do anymore#my bf helps tremendously with leading me to do things but I don’t wanna take advantage of him too much and he’s long distance#but jesus fuck im literally on adderall now but its my emotional problems that keep it from working#it’s like wtf happened#I can’t fucking do anything unless someone’s there to guide me through it or keep me engaged as I work or they push me to in some way#and it’s like wow. cuz I want independence more than anything#it’s crazy cuz I related with his old self to the T especially with the desires and competitivity problems and trying to gain things he#doesn’t even actually want just for leverage and a sense of worth and the ‘if im not on the top on everything i dont have actual worth’thing#and other stuff I can’t remember off the top of my head. and I actually had friends and was more talkative#but now it’s like#🪿#yk what I mean#there’s a shitload of other things I relate too hard with but I can’t remember rn or I won’t mention cuz too much to go into#my bf said if he were around irl he’d cook for me and help with stuff when I go thru being like this nonstop which hey nice cuz obv id help#him with anything too#I mean there’s days where im better and can Do Things but it never lasts long and it sucks I can’t ever trust myself having a job or#I had all these things I wanted to do but I just feel nothing toward it and it drives me insane like can this maybe Not happen so often
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wetpapert0wel · 2 months
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Hey, I saw your tags on the one post about abuse, and I wanted to reach out and say that I also struggled a lot and hurt a lot of people during a very low part of my life - and I’m proud of you, and of me, for doing our best to change ❤️🫂 I hope recovery for you is going well, brother, and that you have a great day/night. 🫶
aw thank you !! 🥺 same to you, homie. i hope everything's going well, & i'm proud of you for doing your best, too <3 🫂
it's been hard, especially since i lost my most recent job a year or two ago at this point, which has kind of put my brain into an isolative bubble. but i'm definitely still trying to be my best possible self.
#ask#ive been keeping myself out of social spaces for a long time to avoid relapsing. but i don't think my isolation is doing me too many favors.#so i'm trying to open up again. and that's been hard. but i'm doing my best#i've been doing better about catching my shitty behavior and i'm slowly getting used to like. going back on the shit i say#and apologizing for it. because i know it's shitty. and it feels shitty for me to backpedal.#especially when i try so hard not to say shit i don't mean lmao- i go so far as to make a point in speaking in definitives 🥴#because at the end of the day. i Don't know everything. and for me to confidently say that i know something only to be proven incorrect#damages my pride ig lmao- & i have my mom 2 thank 4 that mindset 🥴 tho that's no excuse for me to stay shitty.#i don't Want to be too proud to admit my faults. & i'm creeping and crawling away from that attitude.#it's been easier since my mom's been doing the same; she's trying her best to do better. and i can tell that she's trying.#she's more patient with my snippiness than she used to be. and that's been a big help.#we're all doing the best we can. especially with the resources we have; some are better off than others.#but we're all still trying our best to not be shitty.#(unrelated but on the note of not speaking in definitives. one lady was asking if i could add a gift card to her already-in-progress order-)#(& i said 'im not sure if i can do that' & so i asked my manager & she also said 🤷‍♂️. & when she came up & asked the customer what was up)#(the customer said ''ur cashier (me) said i couldn't add this to my order when other people have done it for me'')#(& i said '...thats not what i said.' & she said 'yes it was. u said i couldn't do this' & my manager was like 'w/e we'll do it this way')#(& i had 2 stop myself from doubling down & telling the customer that i make a point not to speak in definitives-)#(-therefore i Know for a Fact that i said ''i'm not sure.'' lmao. of all the things i was sure of in that transaction. that was it. lol)
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tabootasaur · 10 months
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#im really just ranting so pleasr ignore this post it really isnt that serious i just need to vomit it all out before i crash#i wish i knew who i was i wish i knew who i was going to be who i would havr been before everythong went to shit#before my parents beat my soul into submission before i retreated into myself so hard im killing myself just trying to come out again#i dont know who i am or what i want or even how to begin ttying any of that#my therapist started saying all the same things my dad would say abiut me and about my qork and about my life#id been with her for over 5 years so maybe she is right maybe my dad was right maybe my parents were right maybe i do deserve nothing#i hate my body but my partner says its beautiful i can barely face the day but my partner is happy when i do#they say my parents were wrong in so many ways but why is it taking me so long to prove it#ive been bad my whole life o was a bad kid a bad friend a bad adult but i wanna be goood so bad ii might puke#i know i can be good but why cant i prove it why is it stopping me why cant i push my my brain why cant i hit the override and just LIVE#its hard being 25 when i didnt think id make it to 15#its hard living when all you want to do is give up i want to give up i wish i could and maybe a few years ago i would have#but now for the first time in my life i want to live i want to do good but my brain body and soul have no idea how#i think im autistic and the worst part is realizing how much of me that is how much i should havr been cared for#i have to learn how to live in the world but the world is so scary and it hurts and my therapist talkrd a lot about getting used to it#she wanted me to dive in and didnt understand no matter how many qays i tried to explain to her how much it painrd me to try it her way#i wish i could just do it that i could grin and bear it but i cant anymore i cant just do it#i wish i could just become who i was supposed to be someone without the pain and the torture and the constant berating#someone who can have a job and cook dinner and still feel whole after it all#i jist want to live i want to be good i want to get better and i feel like peeling my skin off my body i feel like ripping out my teeth#it makes me feel awful every time i cant do sometbing because i was getting better i couod feel it and now im in hell this is worse#i feel like im experiencing depression for the first time all over again ivw never been so violently thrown bacj into the pit#please i want out i want to hear creaks without thinking someone is 8n my home i want to clean like someone isnt watching me#i want to move around my home like i dont expect to be graded i want to be able to sleep at night and not have tomorrow ruined by flashback#im so so tired and for the first time in my life o dont wanna give up i wanna be better but i dont know how#every time i try to get help something goes wrong and i run out of insurance soon so im probably just fucked#my antidepressants arent doing shit and my birth control makes everything harder and i jist wish i could take medication and live#im tired im tired but ive been crying in the bathroom for over an hour because sometbing so stupid triggered me#and now im a child again and i have work tomorrow and i cant scream and cry into my partner cause they have work#they work so hard for us and i can barely do a day im so fucking pathetic and yet they stay with me
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catgirlwizard · 1 year
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#personal#i just need to rant somewhere about how much i love my partner!!!!!#he's so sweet and supportive and its so nice being with another autistic trans person with ptsd cause theres so much less about myself that#i have to explain. even though we're different people and have different reactions and feelings and opinions theres still that commonality#like even if i love the texture of velvet and he hates it. i know what its like to feel a texture and feel like my hand is tingling and my#anxiety spike at little sensory things like that. thats just an example but its really nice having someone who is their own person but#still understands the feelings i have and i can understand his. and he's SO incredibly patient. and he's a much more literal and straight#forward person than i'm used to which is such a nice change of pace. growing up autistic there were so many situations where people said or#did one thing but meant another and i struggled to understand them and it led to getting hurt and learning to be hyperaware and overanalyze#every interaction to find out how people were upset with me to the point the littlest thing would be a travesty. but with him its so simple#he means the things he says and doesn't obfuscate or lie to me about stuff he tries to be as open and honest with me as he can and if he#doesn't explain something it's because he doesn't know how to express it not because he's hiding it. i wish i could be more like him#and im trying really hard to learn that and unlearn the tendencies i picked up in toxic situations that make communication hard for me.#he makes me really excited for the future. and he makes me feel safe and supported in a way ive never felt in any relationships before.#its nice knowing i can just be myself around him. all versions of myself and he won't be upset with me for any of them. even if maybe he#should be upset when i get bitchy. but when i start getting annoyed over little things he doesnt pick up on it which gives me time to#analyze why im upset and correct my behavior and do better and calm down instead of getting more overwhelmed and not having any way to#express it except the passive aggressive tendencies i learned throughout my childhood. and when i apologize for that he says he didnt#pick up on things and that i can't help how i feel because its a gut reaction not something i choose. and hes right but also even if i cant#choose how i feel. i can still work on how i react to feelings. and i want to keep getting better at reacting in a more constructive way.#he really honestly values me communicating with him and telling him how i feel. which is SO SO SO incredible and im so lucky to have a#partner who genuinely cares about how im feeling and wants to work with me on it and know how to help because for so long i havent been in#situations where i can express feelings so i just bottle it all up and try to deal with it on my own because people before have used me#talking about feelings as a way to twist things around and blame me for their own problems. or invalidated how i felt. or not cared.#but when i talk to him i know everything he says is genuine so even through all my trauma and paranoia i know i can trust him hes proven#himself to he honest and genuine and legitimate enough times i can trust he's not faking it thats just really the type of person he is and#its so amazing and im incredibly lucky to have someone so patient and kind and supportive in my life <3#and for the first time in a relationship i don't feel terrified of the future! i'm not constantly thinking about when he'll leave me or#when i'll leave him. or how things could go wrong between us and trying to prepare for that so i don't get hurt. i just think about all the#ways i want to build a real future together with him. and when we talk about future stuff like wanting a house even if we might never
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mrfoox · 1 year
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I've done it again (acted like an lovestruck fool infront of my friends)
#miranda talking shit#Im so embarrassed i hate myself i wish i didnt react this way im making people uncomfortable im making things hard#Had a looooong talk with Fabian#6... Hours? Its 3.30 am now jajfnxjskskdkcjkd#It wad great i talked way too much unfortunately but alas. And at the end ... I had previously mentioned that evening that i#Find it better or easier to see people so i can know how they react. I hate being seen but seeing others i like and it helps me understand#Them. So the last 30-40 min he all of a sudden turned on his cam and i couldnt deal. I cannot deal#A sudden change like that when its 3am? I cant be normal. So i was stuttering and giggling and just being unable#To talk. And he just ... Sat there and was chill. And when that happens i get worse bc i realize how much embarrassed i am so yes#And he just ... 'you became so giggly' YES SO DID YOU 'yeah true'#I hate this part of myself bc usually ... Its my ... My crush is around and ya know im embarrassed bc of that so i act weird#But now it was like... Im still embarrassed but its not the same but im acting the same basically and i... Youre gonna think about it too#I react so fucking strongly to everything and its weird like please! Anyone who saw or heard me would assume i have the worst crush on him#In reality i got an crush on another guy and i just got so embarrassed bc im tired and yeah... Doesnt help he is the calmest calm guy to#Ever calm. I know for a fact i react worse when i can see others arent bothered... Im scared... Fellas im scared ... I have fucked up#Hes going to be weirded out now ... I am screaming help#Its bad enough i have acted this way around people i genuinely have a crush on... At least i.. Mean if they can tell i mean i am at least#Honest. I understand people in my past who have bullied me in these situations it must be hilarious#Having a chick go from yeah ok we can talk and joke and be alright to... I-i-i-i ca-cannot ta...t-t-t-talk#I wish i could say i was faking it too. No I literally stop myself many times and try to start over but my voice just shakes and#My brain is like 'haha... Mushy mushy what do we say ' end me#Fabian#'vad fnissing du blev nu' JA DET BLEV DU MED 'jo det är sant'
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fabulouslygaybean · 1 year
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mannnnn. why is my brain so fucked
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hopelessdazai · 4 days
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✿ 》 Will you talk to me again?
╰⧼ 🪻 note.. ⧽ ; I don't expect this to do well because its not smut but it'd be nice !! reblogs appreciated, support your creators :)
╰⧼ ☀️ features.. ⧽ ; @saelique angst collab!! dazai x gn!reader, WC ; 784
╰⧼ 🌙 contents.. ⧽ ; angst, reader isn't alive, letter from dazai. he's trying very hard to keep himself stable but it's not working™.
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To my dearest ______ .
It's been a while, hasn't it? I hope you don't mind me writing to you like this, it's simply been too long. I'm sure you're still angry at me, so seeing you physically isn't my best interest right now! haha, I'm sorry. you know I'm just joking around, don't you? I'd love to see you in person. I'm sure you would've punched my arm if you heard me out loud right now, wouldn't you? I'm glad I'm spared of the bruises.
what does someone put in a letter? that's what I was asking myself before I even began writing. I decided that the best way to do something like this was to just write whatever I feel true as pen touches paper. I hope it makes sense to you, at the least. if I'm pouring my heart out on some paper only for it to be misunderstood, it feels like a waste, no?
though, i'd be lying if i said it wouldn't be rather cute to see you try to fathom what I mean. did you know you scrunch your nose like a bunny sometimes when you're reading? I'm sure you're doing that now too. you'll get wrinkles very at this rate ..
but anyway, I managed to prank kunikida the other day! you remember that hair dye trick I'd told you about? I managed to break into his apartment and swap out his shampoo, at last! he came into work the next day with black hair, it was hilarious, you should've been here! he was so angry with me. beat me black and blue!
oh, _____. I got a new heated blanket for our bed, you know? it took a while to save up for it, and I had to cut out some other necessities, sure. but it makes everything so much better! I hate cold beds, I'm sure you know that better then anyone. haha, back before we moved in together when I'd break into your apartment and crawl into bed with you. I'm sorry for the amount of locks I broke, but your place was so cozy!
... you know, it's been really hard without you here. I miss you so painfully, and I don't mean to call into the void without even an echo, but its killing me to pretend I'm fine about any of this. I'm not fine with this, how am I supposed to be? I wish it was just a bad dream.
I don't want to have to write letters to you anymore, ______. I don't want to have to buy heated blankets to try and stop my arms from aching for your warmth. I don't want you to be angry with me, I'm sorry I didn't apologise to you before you were gone. I shouldn't have been so stupid.
i had so many words on my mind that I was too afraid to say. maybe if I faced myself and told you 'I love you' it would've stopped you leaving.
have you met odasaku yet? has he told you any stories of his time? I wish I could hear your voice again. I wish you could answer my questions. even to hear you scoff at my stupidity again would heal me. I'm sorry I was annoying, I just wanted your attention. it stings knowing I'll never get it again.
I can't keep repeating to myself that you're not gone. I can't keep buying your perfume and pretending that you're in the next room over. your pillow doesn't smell like you anymore.
I wish I could apologise properly. I wish I could've stopped you from leaving the house that night. I wish I could kill myself to join you and yet I know we won't cross paths again in the afterlife. you were always too good for me, ______. i was nothing compared to you.
i picked up a homeless dog yesterday. you'd always wanted a puppy, I'm sorry I never let you bring one home. I named it after you. im trying to get used to them, I promise. if I couldn't save you, I'll save your name.
I'm sorry. if I continue writing, my throat will hurt more. its strange, isn't it? crying makes your throat sore. I forgot what it was like for a while, I remember laying in your arms wondering if I'd ever have a reason to cry again. now I can't seem to help myself.
keep your wings clean for me, white looks good on you. its a shame you couldn't wear the wedding attire i wished to see you in one day. you would've looked amazing.
I'll write again, missing you is the greatest honor.
sincerely, your osamu.
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nicksolemnlyswears · 7 months
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HAN LUE HEADCANONS PT. 3
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pairing: han lue x waitress!reader
word count: 8.7k
warnings: smut
notes: part 3 is finally here! so sorry for the delay. i wanna say thank you for all the love on part 1 and 2 as well as in the requests. this will be the last part of the waitress!reader headcanons for now. i left the ending open to give myself space to come back and add more if i'd like. i've been thinking of doing a mini series of han and that other person that comes up in the end (sorry im trying not to give anything away).
if you guys want me to expand on any part of the headcanons even if it's just a one liner let me know and maybe i can write a small drabble or oneshot on it.
i have my fingers crossed that you like how it turns out. i definitely have a favorite part of this particular part of the headcanons. again, thank you! enjoy!
ps. want to add a little warning that these headcanons might not be the most grammatically correct in terms of punctuation just because i don't go deep editing. it's a choice i make but if you've read my oneshots you know i am better than this lol.
PT.2
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-everyone has a side of the bed, you and han are not an exception. from the first moment you slept over at han's the side farthest from the door has been your side.
-on a random day the conversation comes up and you ask han why the side closest to the door is his side. he tells you it's in case an intruder were to break in (which is highly unlikely) you'd have time to escape.
-lowkey all this time you guessed he picked that side because it's right under the ac vent and he gets hot at night. so you call out his bullshit and he admits that's partly the reason, but what he said remains true, it's safer for him to be right by the door. ridiculous because there is no way you are going to run away and leave han to fend for himself.
-talking about apartments and sides of beds. when you moved out of your place you brought along a box or two of knick knacks that couldn't be stored in a warehouse. you placed them strategically around han’s (now both of yours) apartment.
-han admits he likes having a shared space with you. you gave it a different flare with your decorations. or simply, you took away the fact that it was a former bachelor pad.
-he likes coming home to you everyday. whenever you stay with mindy, for one reason or another, it feels lonely. something he'd never felt before. it's like somewhere along the way he got attached to you and now he's constantly seeking you out.
-one thing han detests though is the abundance of pillows on his bed. you don’t even use all of them! before going to bed you throw them by the chair on the corner of the room. he says it's pointless, you say it's decor.
-because you have a semi normal schedule now you have more time to visit han at his garage. you make sure to talk a bit with reiko and han's other friends but most of the time he steals you away from them.
-if the crew at han's garage is not careful they run the risk of finding you and han in compromising positions. you try to prevent han from getting carried away but it's hard when you want him just as much. you've had to apologize to twinkie and sean one too many times. poor boys can't even look you in the eyes after what they've witnessed.
-han is the type of guy to tell you to check something out under the hood of the car despite you warning him you don't know shit about cars. he couldn't care less, it's an excuse to see your ass bent over his car.
-you would be talking to him about how it all looks like a bunch of scrap metal when you feel him pressing up against your backside. you'd look over your shoulder and han would say 'everyone went out to grab a bite. thought i'd have mine right here, baby.'
-you would roll your eyes at him but would push up against him nonetheless. in record time he'd push down your pants and underwear and sink his cock into you. you hang on to whatever part of the car you can as han thrusts repeatedly into you. 'you look so fucking pretty, baby. should’ve gotten you like this sooner.’
-all this time you're moaning and calling out his name. until he suddenly slaps his hand over your mouth to keep you quiet. with slow deep thrusts he'd lean down to whisper in your ear 'fuck, baby. they're back, but don't worry i'm almost done. just keep quiet for me.'
-han knows his way around your body so with precise touches to your clit and the angle of his thrusts he makes you cum quickly which prompts his orgasm as well. his near silent grunts are music to your ears.
-by the time sean comes looking for him han is bent besides you on the car pointing at something called a radiator. had he been there 5 seconds earlier he would've found han tucking himself into his jeans and you pulling up your pants.
-with han's help you get the restaurant running in eight months. it was a long eight months filled with work, day and night. the old diner was remodeled in its entirety which included kitchen, storage area, and dining space.
-you lovingly named the restaurant CATCH MY DRIFT. it's cheesy and punny but you love it. you found it necessary to pay homage to han in some way.
-the soft launch is successful thanks to your staff, some of which are the same people you worked with when it was a diner. you and han invited friends and other important people who would help spread the word about your little restaurant.
-mindy was in charge of the restaurants social media. she made it her mission to help you succeed and she did a wonderful job. she took beautiful pictures of both the restaurant and you. the socials began gaining a following pretty quickly thanks to her and her abilities.
-after the first official day of the restaurant being open and all the staff left, you prepared a table with candles and rose petals. there is one last person you had to serve for the night.
-han had been there with you through it all. he's been your support through every sleepless night and anxiety attack due to your fear of failing. he made last minute runs to get anything you might've forgotten and forced you on aimless drives around town to get your mind off things.
-han made your dream a reality. han wove himself seamlessly through all your hopes and dreams and became an integral part of them. now you can't see your life without him by your side.
-han returned to the restaurant under the impression he was going to pick you up. you might not work the night shift as a waitress anymore and you know how to drive now too, but he'll always pick you up and take you home. it gives him time to talk to you before you go through your night routine, head to bed and he heads out to the races or any other errand he has to run.
-when he enters he sees the romantic setting and you waiting for him in a beautiful red dress. you smiled softly at him and took his hand in yours.
"what's all this?" han asks, following you to the table where you pull his chair out for him.
"it's a thank you," you say, walking around the table to find your seat that faces him.
"you didn't have to, baby. you've been working all day," han shakes his head, although there's a grin plastered in his face. he appreciates what you've done.
you've told him countless times how much it means to you everything he's done. the moment he walked into your life he changed it all for the better.
"maybe i didn't, but i wanted to. all of this was possible because of you," you tell him, grabbing his hand that lays on the table, "will you let me start making it up to you?"
-it's come up on your late night conversations how you're guilty of han spending so much money on you. the last thing you want is to make him believe you're with him for the money. so you take each opportunity that presents itself to make it up to him.
"alright. what you got?" han asks.
you uncover the dinner plates to reveal a simple bacon burger with fries. no pickles. han's smile spreads even further touched by the gesture. it's been a long time since he's had one of these.
"i figured you missed your order considering i have been feeding you fancy dishes all these months," you chuckle, remembering all the tastings han had to go through. "i'll always have a stock of burgers and fries just for you. all you have to do is ask."
"have i told you i love you," han says, lacing your fingers together.
you hum quietly, pretending to think and say, "not today." you bring his hand up to your lips, kissing the back of it.
"i love you, baby," han repeats for the first time today but for the thousandth time since he said it first.
-there are times where han runs out of his snacks and doesn't have access to a store immediately. wether it's because he's at the races or driving around the country side or any other reason.
-when this happens he gets really antsy. he'll pick at loose threads, or at the skin around his fingers, he'll drum his fingers against something, or his leg will bounce. it's very noticeable that something is bothering him.
-it happens while on a trip around europe. han planned it as a vacation for the two of you for your second anniversary. he (you) had exhausted all his snacks and you were about an hour away from civilization. an idea suddenly pops into your head, han wants to have his hands and lips busy and you have the perfect thing.
-you take off your seatbelt and lean over the center consol. han doesn't question you until you kiss his cheek down to his neck.
"what're you doing, baby?" he murmurs, his eyes briefly looking at you before they return to the long stretch of pavement.
"making you crave something else," you whisper in his ear, biting his earlobe.
"get in my lap," he immediately responds. han's pretty tall so there's a huge gap between his chest and the steering wheel, leaving his lap free for you to sit on. 'if i fits i sits' style.
-you don't hesitate, since you've adopted han's risky behavior. once in his lap he catches his lips on yours. the focus he has to maintain on the road while kissing you is enough to make him forget his cravings.
-you eventually forget what lead you to this as you get lost in the kiss. it's not often you get to take the upper hand. taking advantage of the situation you slip your tongue inside han's mouth, massaging his tongue with yours.
-when he makes it to a gas station in the middle of nowhere he parks far away from the pump. you whine about having to walk the long distance to the convenience store.
"i need you now, baby," he grunts, grabbing the back of your neck to smash his lips against yours and showing you his true intentions.
"hannie this car is tiny, it'll be so uncomfortable," you whine against his lips.
"it's either the half a millon car or the public bathroom," he breathes, lifting your dress without waiting for your answer.
"i can make it work here," you huff, straddling him. you bump your head on the roof of the car but han quickly pulls you down flush against his covered cock.
"that's what i thought," he groans into your mouth as you grind against him.
-when you finish your risky endeavor you stumble out of the car and speed to the bathroom to clean yourself. han goes inside to grab snacks and pay for gas. he grabs snacks for you as well seeing that was what led him to run out in the first place. you made up for it in your own way though.
-in terms of your family, you haven't talked to them in about four years. once you spoke up about hating your college major and the fact you were gonna switch they presented you with a choice. continue the path your father paved for you or leave.
-you gave it a lot of thought. you finished your semester and everything. but in the end you decided you didn't want it. you hated your classes and was miserable. so you left. and your father told you not to come back unless you got your priorities straight.
-mindy took you in, let you live with her while you found a new place to live and a job. without your parents support you couldn't afford the culinary school you wanted to go to. with what little savings you had you got your apartment and soon found a job in the american themed diner.
-the diner was your saving grace. they let you stay on the overnight shifts. you didn't have a family to go to, you didn't exactly go to school during the day either, so it worked.
-you had other jobs along with the diner but none lasted and then han came along and it all changed for the better.
-you think about your family often. you remember your parents and sisters birthday and the anniversaries. when those days come along you keep yourself occupied.
-one night you and your staff are cleaning after a long shift and the door chimes as someone enters. you ignore it believing it's han that's come to give you company and take you home, but someone clearing their throat makes you look up.
-your mom stands there, she's still the same as the last day you saw her. her clothes are as expensive as ever, her shoes and bag matching perfectly.
"i thought i'd find you here," she speaks smoothly with her head held high as she assesses the restaurant.
"how did you find me?" you ask not giving her the pleasure to have your full attention as you finish wiping down tables.
"there's been buzz going around about a brand new restaurant. one of my friends came and saw you," she goes silent. "she was right, it's a nice place, is this all yours?"
"is there something you want?" you ask her, finally facing her. you didn't feel inclined to go on to explain your mysteriously wealthy boyfriend funded it.
"we need to talk," she tells you plainly as if she hasn't lost the right to speak to you.
"we're talking," you huff, ignoring the true meaning of her words.
"in private," your mom grits, grabbing hold of your arm much like when you were younger and refused to listen.
-to avoid a scene you know she's fully capable of making you guide her to your office. it's simply decorated with a desk and a few chairs scattered around. there's a white board on the wall where you write down your menu ideas and to do lists. there are also sticky notes on it that han has left behind throughout the months. some are sweet and encouraging and some are naughtier with innuendos and inside jokes.
"talk," you say when she stands in the middle of the room taking it all in.
"is that a way to treat your mother?" she scolds you.
"we haven't seen each other in four years and you suddenly come here. just say what you have to say," you angrily exclaim, crossing your arms over your chest.
"i never agreed with what your father did," she then reveals.
"and yet you didn't do a single thing about it. either way, he got his perfect daughter" you humorlessly laugh, referring to your sister who did everything your father expected of you. "is that why you're here? to suddenly apologize?"
"i want you to come back home," she responds.
you shake your head, "that's not happening. i have a life and i can't drop it just because you want me to. besides it's not like dad wants me there."
"he does, he's too stubborn to admit it, please come back," your mother pleads, forcefully grabbing your hand in hers.
"why now? i refuse to believe this is coming out of nowhere." you rip your hand from hers and a disappointed expression crosses her face.
"your dad is sick. the doctors don't think he has a lot of time," she gulps, turning her back to you.
you're quiet as you process her words, "i'll think about it. if you'll excuse me i have a restaurant to take care of."
you leave her behind and see her walk out of the restaurant soon after. your mind remains busy there after as you mull over her words.
-days go by of constantly thinking about it. han notices the moment he picks you up that night but wants to give you time to bring it up. except you don't.
-three days later he finds you in his bathroom, deep in your thoughts in his bathtub, the water a bright pink from a bathbomb you must've used.
-he gets in the tub with you. the water is still hot as he sinks in and sits behind you. you must've gotten in not long ago. instantly you relax against him. han wraps his arms around you, tracing figures against your stomach and thighs.
"rough week, baby?" he murmurs in your ear.
"mm yes, the delivery came late, not once but twice. burned my finger, cut my finger, burnt some food, feel like a loser," you list out, rubbing his thighs which are around you.
"it's one bad week, among a sea of other good ones," he reminds you, lacing his hands with yours.
"hope so or i'm retiring at the ripe age of twenty six," you smile, turning your head slightly to kiss his jaw.
"it's okay. i'll be your sugar daddy," he jokes with you. although he definitely would be your sugar daddy if you decide not to work another day in your life.
-theres a glass of wine by the bathtub that han notices. you only drink wine when something is troubling you. with gentle coaxing han convinces you to tell him what's been on your mind.
-it's he who convinces you to go and see your dad at least once. he put into perspective you might regret it in the future. you're not doing it for them, you're doing it for yourself.
-you contact your mom and tell her your decision. she invites you over for dinner. it'll be just the four of you. you didn't want to bring han in case all hell broke loose.
-as you get ready han helps you with the clasp of your high heels. you prop your foot in his knee, your dress riding up, revealing your black lacy underwear. he takes the opportunity to caress your leg from your thigh down to your ankle. he'd buckle the strap of the heels he gifted you that make your ass look great and then he'd kiss your knee.
-han would repeat the process on your other leg too. only that after you straighten up he'd pull you down to his lap to kiss you and try to convince you to a quicky. just this once you don't give in. you don't want to cast a bad impression by being late to see your family for the first time in four years.
-nervously you knock on the door. your mom answers and she welcomes you in. it's oddly strange to be back in this house, you feel out of place. you peep the wall where your parents measured you and your sister when you were growing up. the dent on the wall you caused using your bike inside. your childhood is present still.
-your mom failed to mention she didn't tell anyone you were coming as your sister is quick to stand "what is she doing here?"
"i invited her," your mom tell her.
your dad is quiet as you take a seat where you always sat when you lived there. there's an unbearable silence until he speaks, "can i ask why the sudden appearance?"
"mom told me about your situation," you tell him with a frown.
"what situation?" he prompts, looking at your mother.
"that your sick...although you look pretty healthy to me," you softly say, redirecting your gaze towards your mother.
"i lied yes, but i thought this was the only way to get you here," she shakily admits, secretly hoping you don't up and leave.
"mom, oh god," you sigh in relief. your shoulder no longer holding the weight of your father possibly dying.
"do you realize how fucked up that is?" your sister adds.
"it got her here!" your mom yells, making everyone go quiet.
-the rest of dinner goes by as normal as it can. your parent ask you about your new life and everything you've been doing. it was agonizing. you answer most of their question albeit reluctantly.
-the question you've been dreading comes up. 'are you dating anybody?' you tell them you're in a two year and a half relationship.
-you avoid saying he's the one that funded the restaurant. you owe everything to han but if you tell them it was him who put in the money they will probably discredit you and your abilities.
-your dad calls you over to his office to talk after dinner, your sister glares at you, she's upset you chose to leave, cause it means you turned your back to the whole family. she believes you're selfish because you 'forced' the family business onto her.
-you emptily apologize for coming home when he told you not. surprisingly he asks you about your new priorities and although they don't necessarily align with what he had in mind for you, he accepts them and asks you to be around more.
-more importantly he apologizes for what he did. he had a health scare recently and realize he wanted you by his side (it’s where your mom got the idea). after talking to him you leave. going back to talking to your family will be hard because for the longest time you suppressed it.
-han waits for you back home, your true home. he's watching tv, an old japanese movie from the 90s. you tell him all about your family dinner and how your mom lied but he was right. you would've regretted not going.
-feeling good about your night you give in to han's advances. throughout the night he couldn't shake off the sight of you in your pretty dress and heels. he doesn't ruin the illusion as he only takes off your panties. the dress and heels stay on as he fucks you, your legs pressed to your chest as he wants to be as deep and close to you as possible.
-while your parents want you back in their life you don't instantly go back, choosing to show them you got back on your feet without them. you have a new life.
-but once your moms birthday rolls around you don't feel the need to busy yourself, instead you pick up the phone and give her a call wishing her a 'happy birthday'.
-han eventually meets your family. your mom is instantly charmed by him so much so that by the end she has him calling her by her first name. he certainly made a great impression with the flowers and expensive earrings he picked out for her.
-your dad takes longer to come around but by the end of the night han has him wrapped around his pinky finger as well. your dad likes that he's a 'business man'. if only he knew how shady han really is.
-in just in a few hours they were able to see how much you and han care for each other. it's in the way han searches for you in the busy room. he looks out for you constantly in a non-possessive way. or the way you constantly reach out for him to hold his hand or wrap his arm around you.
-han is not one for big and elaborate love gestures. he believes in showing his love and appreciation everyday with smaller gestures. like restocking your skin care products when you're running low or leaving hand warmers on your coat pockets in the cold winters or buying take out of whatever food you're craving.
-he listens to you when you rant about your interests like the new season of Game of Thrones or about a new compilation that came out of your favorite artist. he'd make an effort to learn about it just so he can have an input in your conversation. han loves the way your eyes light up whenever he voices out an opinion, especially when it goes against yours.
-'friendly' debates are your thing as a couple. it's coincidental that in some minor things your opinions are different. like if the dress is 'black and blue' or 'gold and white'. you swear its black and blue but han insists it's not.
-the same goes for you, because you see all the effort han makes for you, you try and learn about cars and drifting and learn the names of whatever technique is popular. you learn about his favorite foods and favorite movies (which are mostly american and from the 90s) and tag along for the occasional race.
-han's favorite way of showing you his love is with colorful post-it notes. you'd often find them in your office in the restaurant, in the mirror you use to get ready for the day, the fridge door, on your kitchen counter along with your favorite chocolate bar. you'd even find them on the depths of your purse.
-funny thing is you've never caught him sticking them anywhere. so it's always a fun surprise.
'don't worry about lunch today. i'll stop by the restaurant with your favorite! -h'
'i love you, baby -h'
'roses are red, violets are blue, i love you, let’s go screw -h'
'cutie pie ;) -h'
'stop stealing my peanut crackers :( -h'
'you're both my favorite chef and my favorite meal -h'
-after two and a half years of dating han you finally get the opportunity to meet the toretto crew. they would be staying in japan for about a month in a mansion they rented out in the mountains.
-han is beyond excited that his friends are visiting. he constantly talks about them and has all these plans for when they arrive.
-you're nervous to say the least. this is his chosen family and he's been through so much with them. gisele was part of that family too and you feel the pressure of being compared to her once you meet them.
-you convince han to go meet up with then first and you'd join them later that night. you didn't want him to wait so long for you to finish work. besides in your mind it's better if he catches up with them before you get there. you wanted him to enjoy being with his friends without worrying about you.
-when the day finally comes you say goodbye to a sleepy han, go prep the restaurant, work your butt off for the day and once you clos the restaurant you go to mindy's house to get ready.
-you visit her to distract yourself and to have someone call you ridiculous for being afraid of meeting han's friends. it also helps as she distracts you with talk of her newish relationship.
-as you scramble through your toiletry bag looking for a hair tie, you push away your deodorant, tampons, dry shampoo. but you come back to the tampons realizing it's been over six weeks since your last cycle...
"mindy!"
"i know what i said was out of bounds but he called me a dramatic bitch!" mindy exclaims from her spot on the bed where she scrolls through instagram.
"tampons!" you yell, pulling them out of your bag.
"what about them?" she asks, looking at you over her phone.
"i haven’t used them.”
"you want me to give you a prize or something?" she mumbles, shooting you a strange look.
"no, mindy, no. i haven't gotten my period!' you begin pacing around the room with the box of tampons in your grasp.
mindy jumps from the bed and begins panicking as well, “oh, we'e going through this. we're having the pregnancy scare, how exciting! every pair of best friends have to go through this."
-mindy runs to the pharmacy on her block to get you a pregnancy test while you chug down two water bottles. she gets you one of each test they had. you had to pee but your nerves made it difficult. mindy forced you to chug down a soda too cause if you don’t pee wilingly you'll do it forcefully.
-through all this mess han calls you. he's been expecting you for the past hour. everyone is excited to meet you. he's spoken so much about you and your name has slipped past his lips a few times during the day. they can tell he's more than obsessed with you.
"hey baby, are you on your way?"
you’re dressed but your makeup is barely done. considering the stress you’re currently going through you definitely have to put on some makeup.
mindy motions to you to respond as she holds your phone on you hands because you were washing your hands free of pee.
"h-hey hannie, two more minutes and ill be on my way. mindy is going to take me," you scrunch your eyes at the stutter. you never stutter!
"okay, let me know when you're nearly here," he says unsure.
"mhm, bye," you say, motioning for mindy to hang up.
"girl that wasn't smooth. he knows something is up," she flat out tells you.
"you're not helping," you grumble.
-while the three minutes tick away mindy forces you to sit and have a chat. she asks if you’ve talked to han about a future together. marriage and kids and the whole deal. she asks what you want to do if the result comes back positive. she’s cool being the fun cool aunt but if you don’t want to go through with it she’ll be your confidant and drive you to the clinic.
-once your phone alarm goes off you walk into the bathroom alone. with a racing heart you turn on the phone to record yourself because be damned you don't have this reaction to show han later. baby or not.
-one test after another you turn them around with shaky hands and they all say the same thing, p o s i t i v e
-you sob not out of sadness but overwhelmed. this is so messy. you just got the restaurant running, you're not married and you are expecting a baby. the only thing that seems right is that it's the love of your life's baby.
-you step out the bathroom ten long minutes after. with one look mindy knows all she has to know. she helps you finish getting ready, puts drops in your eyes to reduce the redness and drives you over to han. on the way out you give yourself a look in the mirror but you look just the same. you're only a couple of weeks along it would be crazy to see a difference so soon but you already know everything is different.
-mindy drops you off after hyping you up all the way to your destination.
"thanks for bringing her," han says, helping you out the suv.
"anytime, she might have her license but there’s no way i’m letting her drive." she jokes at your expense.
"i’m not that bad a driver. you just don’t let me practice," you defend yourself.
-han grabs your hand and your bag and walks you to the front door, you can hear music and chatter from his friends. but he stops before going on.
-he asks if you’re okay. and you tell him you’re nervous, a half lie. han nods in understanding. ‘they’ll love you, baby.’
-he kisses your lips lightly before opening the door because he hasn’t seen you all day and he missed you. but of course roman pierce has to interrupt. he opens the door, interrupting their moment, ‘aye! she's here han is hogging her.’
-roman insists he knows japanese and tries greeting you using the language. you respond fully in japanese just to fuck with him, even adding the bow in your greeting. he bows back and just stares back with an empty smile. he did not understand a word you just said.
-han pushes past him and leads you to where everyone is gathered. he introduces you to everyone and you say 'hi, it's nice to finally meet all you. i've heard so much!'
roman stands besides han with a scowl and whispers. ‘man you could’ve told me she speaks english.’
-you are received with open arms as han introduces you to everyone that came along. dominic, letty, mia, brian, tej, roman, ramsey and all of their kids. it’s nice to be able to place faces to the names you’ve heard for the last two years.
-with you now present they ask all about how you and han met, eager to view your perspective. you respond as much as you can, laughing at the quirky remarks the others throw. they tease han like never before and he deserves it because he went MIA for three years.
-it's enough to make you forget momentarily about the pregnancy tests in your overnight bag. until letty offers you a beer, you pause but react quick enough where no one notices your hesitation. you'll just have to sneak your way around this one.
-han is a lot more reserved around the toretto crew than when he's around sean or twinkie. there's no big in-your-face make out sessions or random gropes of your ass. he respects the crew to much to subject them to that.
-doesn't mean he's not constantly attached to you. throughout the night han has his arm around your shoulders or his hand pressed on the small of your back. it helps a lot ease your nerves when facing the room of friendly strangers.
-eventually the subject of your restaurant comes up. you barely get the name out when ramsey squeals in excitement. turns out she's a big foodie with an instagram account and on her to-do list for japan is visiting your restaurant. she didn't know you were the same person until now. 'you're all welcome whenever you'd like. i'm there most of the week,' you tell the bunch.
-as the hours go by the crew starts turning in for the night. han pulls you up from the couch you were sitting on and guides you to a room.
"what did you think?" han asks as you both change into your pajamas.
"you were right they are all very welcoming. even if i have only known them for a few hours i see you guys have a very familial relationship."
you sit on the edge of the bed with your head hanging. the weight of your secret is crushing you down, your stomach has been swirling since you and han retreated to the bedroom.
han stands in front of you, tilting your head up to look at him. his eyes are soft as he rubs his thumb across your cheek. "what's wrong, baby?"
"'you love me, right?" your eyes fill with tears. suddenly feeling an unreasonable fear in the pit of your stomach. han has shown you more than enough times how much he loves you.
"more than anyone i have ever loved," he assures you. han is concerned. you've never been overly emotional and nothing has happened that he's aware off.
you hug him by the waist, burying your head on his stomach. he hugs you back, holding your head and running a hand up and down your back.
you pull back from his embrace, wiping your tears and some snot and manage to hiccup your news, 'hannie, i-i'm pregnant.'
han freezes momentarily. he thinks he heard you incorrectly but he couldn't have. your words were clear. leaning down in front of you so he's level with your- still not showing-belly he gasps, "we're having a baby?"
-one nod of yours causes a tsunami of questions. when did you find out? how? are you happy? how far along? boy or girl?
-han is over the moon. he is taken aback by just how happy he feels. he wants this but he thought it wouldn't happen for another year or two. the baby is more than welcome though.
-just earlier today he had been thinking about having kids with you as he watched the o'conner and toretto children run around.
-with both of your emotions running high han pulls you close and kisses you like never before. he takes you to bed and fucks you hard and deep and slow. him on top of you, never ceasing his attack on your lips. whenever he does it’s to tell you he loves you and how happy you’ve made him. it's like he wants to get you pregnant all over again.
-'wait, is that why you were switching our beers earlier?' han asks when you’re laying in bed, your head on his chest. you laugh at his question, having forgotten your attempts at not drinking alcohol.
-at around 4 am you and han sneak to the kitchen where you make a snack. you were starving and so was han. he sits you on the kitchen counter as you eat. he stands between your thighs speaking softly about future plans with your baby now included in them.
-'it's 4 am, don't you two sleep?' its tej who came downstairs for water. he shakes his head in disapproval at the two of you going back to his bedroom once he got his water.
-letty is the one to bring up the happiness that oozes out of you and han the following days, 'you two look awfully happy.'
"got some good news the other day," han softly drawls, "you want to tell them?"
you're sitting on his lap with his hand wrapped around your waist as you nod, "we're expecting a little lue."
-the crew is nearly as happy as the two of you. they congratulate the both of you. the girls whipping you away from han to ask all the questions and give you any advice you might need. the guys tease han about not wasting any time with you.
-han is surprised yet not because you two go at it like rabbits. he's surprised he didn't get you knocked up before then. your birth control must've given up.
-han is happy, he is content, he is satisfied. you're pregnant and having his baby. the crew visiting tokyo only amplified his joy. not even roman's teasing put a dent on him.
-as he's talking to dom, brian and tej a question comes up. is han going to ask you to marry him? his response is simple. no. or at least not yet. he doesn't want to ask you to marry him just because he knocked you up. when he asks he wants you to be sure that it's because he wants it too. and he does want it right now, he adores you. the baby only put his plans to propose on pause. he knows you're the one for him, he's known for a while and he's in no rush.
-his life has consisted about running and races and winning. but with you it's different. he feels like he can slow down and take things at his own leisure pace. make things right and give you everything you deserve.
-you've never called han daddy. it's not your kink and you don't think it's his either considering he hasn't asked you to call him that. now that you're expecting you have teasingly been calling him that. he finds it endearing to say the least.
he passes you something across the table? 'thanks daddy'
'can daddy do the dishes?'
'mommy has a craving for rocky road ice cream, do you think daddy will be good and get some for me baby?' you ask looking down at your belly.
-pregnancy is not kind to you at first. in the first trimester, everything you eat ends up flushed down the toilet. you're miserable. han sympathizes with you and helps you out as much as he can. holds your hair back, rubs your back, prepares your toothbrush, etc.
-because of all the puking you barely show at first until suddenly you popped and the nausea stopped in the second trimester. that's when you started noticing the pregnancy glow and felt cute enough to highlight your bump with your clothes.
-han is obsessed with it. each night when he goes to sleep he puts a hand on your bump and talks to the baby. whether you're asleep or not. he'll rub his hand on your stomach soothing any pain or nausea you might feel.
-han goes with you to each and every doctors appointment. he doesn't dare miss one. he loves when the doctor sets up the ultrasound and the baby starts shaping up and taking form as the weeks go by.
-han keeps a picture of an ultrasound in his car. along with one of you two. it's everything he loves all in one place.
-han is the first to feel the baby kick surprisingly. it's one of those nights he returned home from the races. he settled in bed and touched your growing belly. it's slick from all the oils and lotions you apply to try and prevent stretch marks. then he feels it a small 'thud' he thinks he imagines it, until it happens again.
"baby, wake up," he softly calls you, rousing you from sleep.
"what's wrong, hannie?" you mutter with your eyes still closed.
"the baby is kicking," he whispers, grabbing your hand and placing it where he felt the kick. his hand over yours.
"no, it's no- oh my god, it is," you shiver finding the sensation a bit strange at first. you spend the next hour just waiting to feel the baby kick again.
-when you tell your parents you're pregnant they become the most doting grandparents ever. they start buying everything and anything they can get their hands on. it's their first grandchild and most of their friends already have grandchildren. they want to be the best. plus, they feel like they owe it to you for what they did.
-although han's apartment is bigger than yours you don't believe it's big enough for a baby. you spend months apartment hunting until you find the perfect place. a three bedroom, two bathroom penthouse.
-you insisted it was too much space but han reassured you it's not. because he wants more children and he doesn't want to move again when you have another baby. your words were:
'give me a break hannie, i haven't even pushed the first out. let's see how it goes."
-with pregnancy a woman goes through many changes. besides your bump han's favorite is still your tits which have grown larger. he notices that change instantly, but with each gain there is a loss. the piercings had to go. you also tease han that now he'll have to share.
-not surprisingly pregnancy does a number on you and you get hornier than ever. it's like constantly ovulating and having to be pounded. which doesn't make sense cause you're already pregnant.
-it's not something han finds himself complaining about. it's fun to explore the changes your body is going through and how the sensations shift. like how your nipples get very sensitive in your pregnancy and how han takes advantage of that.
-you go on a journey of finding your self-love once more. the changes your body go through are out of your control, they are necessary to sustain the life inside of you and yet some made you insecure.
-the love you felt for your bump at first then made you insecure as it grew larger and stretch marks decorated it. you're not used to the sight. sure you've always had some faded ones on your thighs or your boobs but you've had them for so long you got used to them. these were long and red and they made you cry.
-for about a week you felt so insecure and looked for ways around being intimate with han because if you hate them surely he will too.
"lets get this off, baby," han says, pulling up your silky night dress up your thighs.
"no, no, let's keep it on," you laugh it off, holding hans hands with yours.
"alright, what's going on?" he asks, leaving his hands on your thighs and squeezing them lovingly.
"what do you mean?" you feign innocence.
"baby, don't think i haven't noticed you've been covering up and acting strange."
you avoid his gaze but he cups your cheek and returns it back to his. "i'm scared you won't like the way i look now," you mutter.
"are you joking? i've never liked the way you looked more than i do now," he speaks without any hesitation.
"really?" you peer up at him through your lashes.
"oh yeah. i think this is the sexiest you've ever looked. you're carrying my baby, how can i not like the body that's helping it grow and keeping it safe? And you know i love how much more responsive and sensitive you've gotten."
"oh god, you've made me even hornier," you say, pulling him down to kiss him.
"and you're glowing and look so cute waddling around the house," he teases, breaking the kiss.
"i do not waddle!" yes. you, in fact, do.
-han is always asking for the baby to kick, those lazy morning spent in bed, he'll have a hand on your belly talking to the it.
"come on kid, kick for daddy"
"let them be, it's not your bladder they're kicking"
he softly apologizes, knowing that as the day gets nearer the more trips to the bathroom you make.
-han dotes on you every second of every day, he barely leaves your side. you need something to drink or eat? he'll get it. your feet hurt? hell massage them. get cravings? he'll make a trip to the convenience store.
-as a couple you decided to keep the gender of the baby a surprise. which just led to the two of you to place bets on what's it gonna be. han swears you're hanging low (whatever that means) so you'll be having a boy and because of your morning sickness you think it's a girl.
-realistically both you and han are fine with either one. which is why you'll be trying for another one when the time comes. if it turns out the same gender you'll try for a third, but that's all! if all three turn out the same, tough luck!
-you go into a small crisis thinking you'll never be able to wear your short dresses and skirts. you're going to be a mom surely you'll have to dress like one? han assures you you can wear whatever you want because he knows you'll be a good mom, which is all that matters. plus, he likes seeing you wear that type of clothes.
-han invests in another car. one he never though of having. a toyota sienna le. it's a minivan. always one for cars, han details it, adds leather seat covers, a few cool features and an overly complicated car seat.
-as your due date nears you spend more and more time in bed with han, having sex obviously. you had read somewhere it was good for contractions and when you go into labor. plus, you just had these boosts of energy and it was the only way to get you to sleep.
-han eventually stops working for takashi. more people are at risk now if he continues. takashi lets him go without much trouble. han did help him expand his business a lot quicker had he done it by himself.
-when the time comes to give birth, han races to the hospital in his new minivan. finds it stressful cause the thing can't go as fast as his precious mazda. but he makes it to the hospital in record time.
-your doctor is waiting for you, they have a room prepared for you. han stays by your side through it all even as you curse him out through your pain. your labor is long and painful being a first time mom and all.
-at some point you start crying that you can't do it and han is there to wipe your tears away and tell you you can. it's holding his hand that you push and push. he doesn't whine or complain once, ignoring the insults you throw at him and the pain in his hand.
-then it happens, a cry resonates through the room and your hand stops squeezing his. the nurse places your baby on your chest. it has a full head of dark hair already.
"it's a girl," the nurse coo's.
-han didn't think he'd be able to love someone as much as he loves you. he's proven wrong as he softly touches his baby girls head. she's slimey and a little ugly (being a newborn and all) but this emotion swells his chest and tears well up in his eyes.
-you softly call out his name and he looks at you and just says, 'i love you.’
-to make up for your pain han gets you a push gift. it's a pretty golden necklace. it has a thin chain and a pendant with a little gem, behind the pendant the initial of your baby girls name is engraved. it has enough space to add when your family expands eventually.
-fatherhood suits him. he's patient and soft spoken and baby girl adores him. han is a night owl so he has no problem getting up at night to feed his baby girl or change her diaper.
-it takes time to adapt and start feeling like yourself again but han makes it easy for you. he loves you no matter what and does everything possible to make the transition a smoother one. you gave him everything he wanted and more.
-you left the restaurant in good hands while you rode out the last month of your pregnancy and the first two postpartum. returning to work felt good. you love baby girl but getting out the house without puke on your shoulder was necessary.
-han stays with her during the morning embracing being a stay at home dad. granted he slips out now and then to the races or to hang out at the garage. in fact, when baby girl is older he sets up an area just for her.
-sean and twinkie make fun of him and his minivan. to which han threatens to kick them out the garage they don't even have to pay for.
-when your baby girl is almost 1 year old, he pops the question. it was date night, your parents were taking care of the baby. he picked you up in his orange mazda that just so happened matched your nails. you were back to wearing your usual dresses and sparkly heels. although you were rebuilding the confidence you had two years ago.
he took you to dinner and then dessert and then you walked through a park. it's cherry blossom season you had to make the most of it. that's when he does it. under the rain of sakura flowers he asked his question.
"will you marry me, baby?" han asks, down in one knee.
"i thought you would never ask," you cry out, extending your hand so he can slip the ring on your finger.
"that's not an answer," he teases, before he slides the ring on your finger.
"yes! it's a yes!"
finally he puts the ring on your finger and it's just like you'd imagine it to be.
-you have your ceremony not even a year after. the toretto crew comes back to japan. even hans family (that you've only met like twice in four years) attends. your family and friends are invited as well. mindy is your maid of honor and your baby girl the ring bearer.
-it's on your honeymoon, that is really more like a family vacation because baby girl is with you, that you tell han a little secret.
'We're having another baby!'
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a/n:
if you’d like to scream at me or cry with me about the headcanons feel free to send me a message through the asks! i didn't think before making this blog a sideblog so i can't answer comments from this account but from my main.
lol in case you didn't catch that i'd like to make a mini series of sorts of han with his baby girl. i've got ideas floating around so if it's something you'd be interested in let me know!
also been thinking of making a brian o'connor one shot or something cause those baby blues are irresistible.
bye!
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cemeterything · 8 months
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how do you deal with. like. being out as transgender in public spaces?
school started this week and lots of my teachers have been kind enough to give opportunities to change your name and pronouns, and im agender so i use a funky little name and they/them pronouns. but i feel like, with such a negative experience with being out to people i don't know, that so many strangers all at once Knowing im transgender isn't a good thing. my classmates and teachers all know now that im not cis. when they call me by my preferred name i do a mental double take because only my friends call me by my preferred name. i feel like a spectacle. i feel like if i try to be comfortable as transgender in public then people will make fun of me for "thinking im the main character" or something. ive only dealt with bullying on the level of a few people at a time; ive always been friendly and confident around the people around me, but being publicly out has made me nervous and want to sink back into the background as much as i can to not rock the boat.
you always seem so confident when it comes to your presentation, in ALL aspects. and i know you are out as trans to a lot of people. how do you deal with hate/the idea you have a judgemental audience that in reality isn't there?
i wish i had better advice but honestly it's just. years of allowing myself to be the person i want to be and not letting other people's opinions of me discourage me from that. i learned the hard way that you will never be able to convince everyone to like or even accept you, and that it's not worth letting that define you. the people who really matter will love you more for being true to yourself than for trying to be what you think people want from you. it's hard, but it's like building up calluses on your hands from practicing a sport or a craft. the longer you live as yourself (as long as it's relatively safe for you to do so), the easier it gets to find joy in that even when you face opposition, and the stronger your sense of self-identity becomes. i hope knowing that helps a little.
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homestylehughes · 3 months
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quinn hughes- drowning
summary: when y/n is drowning in her love for Quinn, and feels the need to step back from him. what happens that Quinn is also drowning in her love too?
wc: 1.9k OMFGG HELLOOOOOOO???? this the longest fic I've ever wrote. holy fuck.
authors note: dun dun dun I'm backkkkk. ive had free time because of my classes being cancelled because of the weather. so I decided to sit down and write about quinny today <3. I hope you guys enjoy this is the longest fic I've everrrr wrote. make sure to reblog if you like enjoy it. as always much loveeeee.
Everyone told me not to fall in love with Quinn hughes. I told myself not to fall in love with Quinn Hughes. That It would be impossible for him to ever love me back in the way I loved him. 
          Obviously I didn't listen.
I fell head over heels in love with him. I was sinking, no I was drowning. Nothing could pull me out now. I was in too far deep, I was in too far deep to care that I was in love with Quinn hughes. It was so hard not to care, it was so hard to not fall in love with him. Longing gazes when we were out with our friends. The way he'd put his hand on my lower back when guiding me through a crowd. The way he’d listen so intently to things I would say. Everything little thing he did pulled me into him, everything he did pulled me under. I was drowning, I couldn't seem to care. 
  That's what led me to this. 
I knew that I was deep, I needed space. I haven't seen or talked to Quinn in over 2 weeks. I told myself I needed to distance myself from him. If I could pull myself away from him, then I could pull myself out from drowning in him. 
So I threw myself into my job, taking as many stories as I could from my boss. Declining dinners and drinks from my friends, from quinn. Ignoring his texts and declining his calls. I thought what I was doing was the right thing to do, it seemed like the easiest thing to do. I knew if I ever admitted to Quinn that I was in love with him, he wouldn't feel the same way. I'm trying to save myself a heart break, but what's the point? My hearts are already breaking by doing this. 
When the 3 week mark hit of not talking to quinn i felt better. Kinda. I still miss talking to him, actually scratch that, i miss everything little thing about him. I continue to tell myself that this is for the best. Do I even know what I want, is this even for the best?  The texts and calls from Quinn stopped showing up. He gave up on me, no i gave up on him. I did this and it's for the best. Even though I repeated this to myself everyday, I still felt I was making the wrong choice. 
My friends finally convinced me to leave my apartment. Making me put in the tightest outfit possible, and pulling me into the nearest bar. I make a beeline to the bar, ordering a drink to hopefully calm my nerves and help relax me. Being here in this bar made me remember how much I hate bars. It made me remember how much I miss Quinn. 
We make our way to the table with trays of drinks in our hands, tonight is going to be a good night. Well I thought it was. As I glanced up to see where one of my friends went, my eyes landed on her with a group of men. Men that look very familiar to me. My eyes drift left of my friend, and land right on Quinn. Our eyes meet for the first time in over 3 weeks. My heartbeat starts rising immediately, and suddenly I feel like I'm drowning again. The dress I'm wearing seems even tighter, and the bar feels like fire all around me. 
I need to get out of here, I say to myself. My eyes trying to find the next exit, I turn to my friend y/f/n and say “hey, I'm going to go outside, I need some fresh air. I'll be back in a second!!”. I don't wait for her reply, I turn on my heels, quickly moving towards the closest exit. 
The minute I step outside it hits me. Quinn. Quinn is really here. Quinn, my best friend, the man im inlove with is here. The man I've ignored for almost a month or more with no explanation is here. It hits me, I'm a terrible person. Why did I do that to him, why did I do this to us. 
I need to go home now. Home. Home. Home. was the only thing on my mind. 
My hands are shaking trying to pull up uber to get a ride home. Anywhere is better than here right now, this is all too much. As I'm going to hit  “Confirm payment” on the car ride home. I hear an all too familiar voice shout my name.
This can't be happening. No No No. 
The next thing I know is that Quinn is standing right in front of me. “y/n” he breathes out at me. I can't move, I'm frozen. I'm in shock, this can't be real. “y/n” he repeats. I finally looked into his eyes, my eyes dragging all over his face. Everything is as perfect as I remember it. “Quinn” I finally uttered while looking at the ground. I wish I was dreaming. I wish that what's happening isn't real. I can't even look him in the eyes. I wish it was a dream, and that when I woke up this was all fake.
This definitely isn't a dream. 
“You know you fucking suck.” Quinn says. I know I do, I think to myself. As I go to open my mouth to say something. He starts again “I haven't talked to you in over a month. You've been ignoring me. And the first time I see you again with your friends at a bar?!?!”. I can't even look at him, continuing to stare at his Nike covered feet. My eyes filled with tears. I hear him take another deep angry breath. “SEE??? You can't even look at me, you can't even look me in the eyes. You won't even give me an explanation. You know that's really shitty of you y/n.”. 
I'm crying now. I'm sobbing. Everything he's saying is true. I am a terrible person, this is all my fault I know. I know.
I heard him scoff and began to walk away. I can't let this happen, I can't let this happen again. “QUINN” I shouted, finally finding my voice. His steps immediately stop, he slowly turns around. I can see the anger and sadness in his eyes. 
This time I'm approaching him, taking a shaky breath. Trying to gather the words that I don't have to say. “I know you hate me right now. I know that you want answers, hell you want an explanation on why i haven't talked to you in over month.’’ My breath labors for a minute, I'm sobbing, the tears are flowing, my chest is rising, I'm not ready for this. I know nothing I say is ever going to change what I did to him. 
I try to take deep breaths but each one I take makes the tears fall even harder. Here I am crying on the sidewalk in front of my best friend. who might not even be my best friend anymore. Trying my best to give him an explanation on why I've been so horrible to him. Why I've cut him out of my life just because I love him. Oh god i love him, how do i tell him that?? 
I feel a hand wrap around my arm, that quickly pulls me back to reality. “Hey hey y/n, pretty girl please look at me.” I'm still sobbing at this point, I don't think the tears will ever stop. I slowly take my eyes up to his face. “That's good, now take a deep breath for me, in and out come on i know you can do it.” he says. Quinns hands are now on my cheeks trying to help me calm down. 
My breathing starts to slow down, my tears let up a little bit. Our eyes are still locked, never once leaving each other. I know I need to say something. I know I need to tell him how I feel. I slowly pull away from quinns hold, I'm now again looking at his feet. I take a deep breath, it's now or never I think. “I fell in love with you. Fuck quinn i was drownding in you. You were my best friend and I couldn't feel that way about you. I know you'd never want me in the way I wanted you. I needed space, I thought that if I was away from you it would help my feelings, that somehow I could get over it?? That I could forget about you?? I don't know!?!?! Just move on??”. “But seeing you tonight made me realize that I could never get over you, and that I could never stop loving you.” 
The tears on my face are falling like waterfalls, I sadly chuckle to myself as I try and wipe them away as more fall. “I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Nothing I say will probably make you forgive me. I understand i really really fucked up. But I won't say sorry for loving you. I love you and it's okay if you don't love me.”  I finally looked into Quinn's eyes, searching for anything. Anything. 
Before I can even register what's happening, Quinn’s hands are grabbing my face, pulling my lips to his. The kiss is fast, it's full of love and anger, sadness. All of the above. My lips struggle to keep up with him, my hands make their way to the back of his head, pulling him into me by the ends of his hair. A groan escapes his lips, as he pulls me even closer into him, if it's even possible. Our lips are moving at lightning speed, we can't get enough of each other. I don't want to ever stop kissing Quinn, it feels too good to ever want to stop. 
It feels like 5 years go by before Quinn pulls his lips from mine. Our chests are rising steadily. Eyes blown, swollen lips looking back at each other. “I've wanted to do that since I met you,” he says. My head is spinning, nothing that just happened feels real. Quinn sighs, grabbing my hands in his, his eyes never leaving mine. “I wish you would have told me how you felt. You would have known that I also love you. I've loved you for years. I thought i lost you y/n, i was going crazy with you. I thought you hated me. Baby I was drowning in you, I thought you knew, I wish you knew sooner.”
Quinn loves me? Quinn. Love. Me. my eyes are wide, his mouth is parted waiting for my reaction. Waiting for me to say something. I'm crying again before I know it again. A smile breaks on lips, i'm laughing, quinns laughing. I'm not sure if we know why. I pull his lips towards mine again. Feeling his smile on mine. “I love you''. I whisper to him in between each kiss. “I love you” he whispers back. 
I could drown in him forever, if it's on a sidewalk in front of a random bar. If it's a bed, a car. Hell even in a movie theater. I'd always drown for Quinn Hughes. 
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mchlgayser · 1 year
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─── WHY DID IT HAPPENED? ft hanma shuji ✸
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synopsis: You should've thought twice about the worst possible outcome when you give up yourself to him. But you didn't and at last, you lose your grounding.
warning: languages, toxic relationships, break-ups, and cheating.
daily note: oh no, im struck by the lord of angst gasp no wonder im doing such heavy angst at two in the morning, crying myself, and liking the way i hurt myself 😄
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He came home late, again.
It's been the third time this week and the tenth time this month. Lately, it's so hard to even take a glance at your husband as he always woke up early and came home late. Usually around three to four. Of course, you would always leave a text for him to wake you up once he's home so that you can eat the dinner you made together. But then again, it'll always end up in the bin.
This time you are persistent in not falling asleep and waiting for him and when he did come home, he sent a smile your way before treading upstairs.
'Shuji?' You watch as he enters your shared walk-in closet, slipping off both his shoe and his sock and dumping them on the basket.
'Shu.' You called out trying to gain his attention. He undo his tie and sighs, finally taking a look at you 'Yes, Y/n.' Oh, well that's strange, he never addressed you that way before? Always come up with a cheesy nickname like dolly or dollface. What happened?
'No, I just wanted to talk to you...' You said playing with the hem of your shirt, he unbutton his shirt and his glasses 'Can't it wait until tomorrow? I'm tired and hot.' You continue staring at him when he walks past you to the bathroom and locks the door.
You settle down on your mattress waiting for him to come out and once he did, he slip under the duvet and closes the light 'Come on, Shu. We need to talk. Why are you always coming home late, these days?' He ignore your short ranting and pretended like he's asleep.
You got up and turn on the light 'We. Need to talk.' He aggressively peel off the duvet off of him and sat up toward you 'What?! What is it that there's a need to talk about, huh? I said I'm tired!' You shake your head at him 'Tired of what? Me or your job?! Can I just talk for a little while with my husband when he's been late for almost a month?! I just need a small talk with you... I... Miss you...' Your gazes fall to the ground in shame.
You hear him sigh and footsteps approaching 'Sorry, It's just... I got so many things to do at work. You know how cold-blooded Kisaki is.' The mention of your long-last friend brings a smile to yourself 'Yeah. I'm sorry.' He pets your head 'No problem.' And then he heads for bed.
You blink in surprise.
That's it? No problem and that's it?
The arguments between you and Hanma occurred, still, after making ups and it's always about the same thing. He came home late and now, sometimes he didn't even reach home at all. You'll always spend the night crying, missing your husband but like he always said. He is busy. A month turned into three but a solution never came falling and help your helpless ass. You are alone. Miserable and alone.
The possible thoughts came running like a madman, what if he cheated on you? What if he already found another better one? What if this and what if that? You've become crazy with the thoughts clouding your mind. You overthink yourself to sleep if you ever had any. You lose counts of how many times you threw up and almost lose consciousness because you got panicky. You took medicines that you probably did not need. But even with all that, you are still alone with no one to help you stand.
You are sleeping - closing your eyes to help you doze off when the doorbell rang repeatedly. You try to get up but fall hopelessly to the ground and groan.
You get up once more and get to the door without uncertainty. Before you are a brunette, a younger woman than you dressing in a tight, cleavage-showing silk red dress, decorating herself with a big pearls necklace, earrings, and a Louis Vuitton branded bag. She is smiling, twinkling her doe paired of eyes at you 'Can I come in?' She asks you.
You are hesitant but nodded nonetheless. She sat down on the couch 'Oh I'm sorry, I'm just gonna stay here until Hanma is home.' You blink to yourself, surprised and puzzled. 'Pardon me, but who are you?'
'I'm his girlfriend, Ivy. I supposed you are his maid? What's your name?' Your hand subconsciously shaking and clenching but then could you blame her? You wore nothing expressive as she did, you rarely dolled up unless it was for a special occasion. And maybe it was your fault too for being too anti-social and never really following your husband anywhere for his work. Not surprised no one could know you are his wife. I mean, would anyone even suspect it? Hanma, a flirtatious, ambitious guy like him settling down for such mediocrity as you?
'It's Y/n.' You told her to keep waiting and that you'll call Hanma in instead because you are scared he'll be back late again today.
'Y/n? Why did you call? I'm in the meeting, can't talk.'
'Ivy's here. She's waiting for you.' You heard his rapid breathing before you ended the call. You went back to his little girlfriend 'He'll be back, shortly.' And then you tread upstairs locking down the bedroom door with your hand over your mouth. Your ugly sobs turn to muffle as you cry and sob to yourself. An aching sensation is burning through your whole body but partially your throat and heart. Your eyes felt itchy and uncomfortable, your nose clogged, and your voice barely a whisper.
You don't want to be here any longer so you get your phone - that is the only thing you ever bought with your own money and left, not forgetting to slip the expensive diamond ring off of your finger. You heard a honk from outside of the residence to see that a car was parked.
You see Ivy sitting still on the couch with a glass of wine and she smiles when she saw you were leaving 'See you again, Y/n.' You nod and rush inside the car.
But just in time, a familiar black Audi A4 comes into view, you avoid his frantic knocks on the door and just ordered the driver to move along. Hanma tries to grab onto the car but slips. 'Fuck!'
'Shu!' Upon hearing his nickname being called he swiftly turns around but instead of you, there's Ivy. The girl he commits adultery with. She struts towards him and lends him a small hug with a cute shrieking noise 'I missed you! London was good but not better without you... But thanks for the trip Shu-'He shove her away with eyes widening in anger 'What the fuck are you doing here?!' She jolted in surprise at the sudden outburst 'What you mean what am I doing here? Shuji, you've promised me we'll get married one day so is it wrong for me to come to my future husband's house? Or is there a a fucking secret that I needed to know? Are you lying to me or something?!' He was hesitant looking back in forth between her and the road.
'I... I'm sorry...' He went for a hug and kiss the side of her temple making her smile 'You are making me scared. I thought you were cheating on me with your maid or something...' She laugh as he broke the hug with a furrowed brow 'Maid...?' She nods pulling him inside the house 'Yeah, Y/n is her name right? But then again, why would you? I'm much better...!' He was clenching his fist at her words but do nothing.
Ivy left home after some time and Hanma left for your shared bedroom. He gazes at your stuff but all seem to be left untouched. He struts inside your closet room to see your wardrobe full and neatly tuck like always making him smile. Yes, you didn't leave, probably just out for groceries.
Then he see the wedding ring, the wedding ring you wore all the time, and never once did he see left your form. His head tilted in confusion, why is that there? Why didn't you wear it? Did you perhaps lose it? Oh, it's okay, he can just slip it back on. He picks the ring off the ground and kisses it with a smile 'When will my doll get home?' He murmurs to himself.
Hanma get ready for bed and sleep wishing he'll see you in the morning or maybe the familiar smell of your homemade pancake will wake him up like always.
But none of it happened. Hanma waited days, weeks, and months but you never came back. Why? Ivy would come once a week to check but as always she'll get stood up by the porch and left home, defeated. It's not like she's not calling but the said man never answered none of her calls. Every day he'll play her calls to hear her voice 'Hi, this is Y/n. Talk to me once you heard the.... Beep...'
He'll talk to her hoping one day he can get to hear it once more maybe that time clearer, and nearer.
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