#im going home tomorrow tho and still seeing the psychologist | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

the-girl-from-t · 3 years

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Monday 26.4.2021:

Today was pretty good i don`t know what to write now but ill try. I went to school and hated everything and i doubt that i successfully manage to finish the 12 grade and i wont even think about the 13 grade. I got an industrial piercing a month ago and i really love it and cant wait to get the next.

Tuesday 27.4.2021:

The day isn’t over right now but i thought its a good idea to start writing now. So I was at the doctors and they took blood from me to see if my thyroid is working correctly. For that i skipped the hole day of school because its easier for me when i have to work. I work a t an elders home and i have to work at the station wehre the most people life... to be honest its not easy to work at this station and i would like to not be there but its fine cause im not that often there.I think ill go study for some of my exams i have to write tomorrow and Friday. Alright I‘m back from work and it was so annoying. I got headache and feel so damn tired. Luckily I can call the rest of this day through the night otherwise I would k¡|| myself right now tbh. I miss her so much even tho she just went back home a few hours ago but she wehre her at my side for 3 months and i got used to it. It‘s just physical pain i got now from missing her and i won‘t start at my emotional pain right now. And for the rest of the day i definitely not studying for the exam tomorrow. Instead i‘ll watch Netflix and FaceTime with my Girlfriend.

Wednesday 28.4.2021:

Did i tell you how much i hate school? I just can’t stand these damn teachers with all their stupidity. I mean how did they manage to get their university degree? But one good thing is there, it shows me that no matter how stupid i can become i can be everything i want and i can study what i want. I‘m so done with school! I finished my exam and went home but i‘m still full of rage for some reason. I also have to write an 10 paged essay till May 20th. I have to clean up my room and also need to study for my next exam at Friday. But first i have to at least watch one episode of Orange is the new black. I also think that i‘m gonna do something lika a schedule to plan my time on cleaning, studying and free time. Thats sounds like a good idea for me. So I just washed my dirty laundry and put the clean clothes in the closet. And I’m very proud that i didn’t quitt in the middle of the process and i also managed to do my Homework. I got a ´To do List` to visualize and not forget to do something before i visit my girlfriend for the weekend. I want to clean everything so that everything is nice and clean and not messy and disgusting. Im also very happy that i washed my laundry because i got no clean underwear anymore and now its clean i can see my floor again. I need to vacuum but thats a problem of tomorrow.

Thursday 29.4.2021:

So i just woke up and im pretty nervous because i have to go to the cardiologist. And at 7pm i got a date with my psychologist once again. Im pretty tired but my eyeliner is well damn fine today. I came back and my granddad tells me what all that stuff the doctor writes means. Its not dangerous or something. I got it from my mom and grandmother. He also said that my heart is going up faster than it’s should but as i said everything is fine. Thats that and for now ill watch one episode and then vacuum and swipe the floor. Maybe also look if some cloths are already dry and wash my bed sheets and put a fresh new on. After my psychologist appointment ill take a shower. I learned that my birth is one of my reasons i got so many issues and also takes part of me developed my ED. Im hella tired and took a shower. I probably going to vacuum either now or tomorrow. I also change my bed sheets either tomorrow or Sunday when i come home from my fiancé. The one thing that annoys me is, that i didn’t get any time to study or any concentration for it. Al least i get the chance to see my girlfriend for 1,5 hours and also get to visit a dear friend of mine as well. But im hella tired. I don‘t like the morning of tomorrow already but im very excited and happy about the fact, that ill go to my fiancé for the weekend.

Friday 30.4.02021:

I did my exam and i didn’t mess it up completely. I just hated the hole school day and i‘m glad that im at my girlfriends place now for the weekend! I guess that im gonna play more on my PS4 or actually do something for school as i should. Im just happy to be here. I just fricking hate my mood swings! I should be relaxet and happy to be at my girlfriends place, but im just annoyed and grumpy. Maybe because my mom is here for hours as well but the real reason idk. Its probably that i just don’t want to think about my health but when im here i just cant hold my walls up i use to unsee my health and mental health problem. Its a hard phase again, not in the same way as it was like before a month but its not that much easier either. I just don‘t know what to do and how to feel, neither how to behave. I just cant deal with myself, then someone from my friend i meet through my fiancé told me i look sick in a negative way. That wont leave my head. I just feel the need to cry, to scream, to stop being myself. I just want to safe and quit this game named ‚live‘. I just don’t know. Thats all. I don’t want to be happy or polite for others, i don’t want to smile for others. But they worry and ask questions like ‚whats up?‘ , ‚how are you?‘. I JUST DONT KNOW EITHER!!!! Why cant the just be satisfied with a ‚nothing and im fine‘? I don’t want to talk okay? I just got my therapy yesterday and that was enough for me, thanks. I just want to be left alone right now and cry alone for myself without someone witness it.

Saturday 1.5.2021:

I woke up and choose violence. Kinda. I had a relaxed and nice day with my girlfriend and her roommates. We just played a bit on our PS4 and decided to play Beat Saber now. I just needed this weekend to charge myself. I feel home in her arms and i love just be in her apartment. Just spending time with her is so wholesome for me. And i also like her roommates, i know one from school and its just so amazingly how peacefully it is with all the people living here.

Sunday 2.5.2021:

It just a chilling day as well. I remembered that ill write an exam tomorrow but its just art so is isn‘t tragic, that i wont study. And im sad and moody cause i have to go home today. Well back home i cried because i cant sleep next to my girlfriend.

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somedaypast-thesunset · 6 years

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I tell him in plain language I haven't eaten and have no money for food. He offers to loan me money and that I can come over. But it's -2 and all my cold weather wear is garbage from the 5 min I spent just going to the store. He says he has to charge his phone. I'm like OK but u can also do it on your laptop. "yeah but then I'd have to find my wallet". I gave a huge exaggerated laugh because who the fuck responds to someone asking to eat like 5hat? He thinks my reply is weird. I tell him I assume he's joking so I'm laughing otherwise I'm just depressed. He replies, "do you need money now?"

SO GCDFHJFFDXDJKCFYBVXSSJKCF

DO I NEED TO EAT TODAY? DO I? GYESS NOT BECAYSE I WOYLDNT WANT TO BORHER YOU TO FIND YOUR FUCKING WALLET.

the only mature non combative response I had was no response because I'm not even dignifying such a stupid fucking question with a response. Fuck you man. Just fuck you. I'd get more respect sucking dick for 40$. Quicker too.

And I'm trying soooooooo hard and it's just nothing. I'm doing nothing but expending the absolute most amount of effort I currently have before becoming sooo exhausted and frustrated that I'm becoming impulsively violent - much like traits I had very young that I worked to control. Like my day consists of waking up and being brought home. I smoke weed, find a podcast or video or movie to listen to but barely pay attention and try to bring myself to do anything. Like changing my clothes from yesterday. Going out to get food (which if I do is my entire morning and I'm done after). Lately I want soooo badly to get back into my shit. I used to be productive. Like I lost alllllllllllllllllllllllll drive for anything. I cannot fathom going to a job. My whole disposition says I want to die every moment I'm awake. I watched this doc about this crazy lady who starved to death in an abandoned house on an occupied street like ppl walked by the house she had neighbors but she like actively chose to just starve and die. And everyone's so confused like oh the neighbors were there she could've gotten food but no. I get this lady. I am this lady right now. I am in an abandoned house that is my body and my neighbors can see I'm here but they don't care if anyone is home. They wouldn't feed me.

In some ways I was like oh no. This lady is me. But she was delusional. Like she made ppl up. I haven't ever. But I am becoming like my mother more and more but I guess I empathize more. This lady was so depressed like she really wanted to die all the time and she was miserable and couldn't keep friends and I get it now. I got it before but now I really get it because there's no choice anymore. At some point you like... You're standing on the edge of the abyss and then u let go and from that point on its just free falling out of control. You can't stop it once it's hit full momentum. And I'm screaming cuz I did the drugs. And I can do them again so I can placebo effectvmyself for 2 weeks and crash again. I am existing solely for the purpose of a few other ppl right now. Like I can't die right here because my roommate has to find it and he's the last person I want to find dead me. Like if a stranger could spot a body that is me, that'd be good. Or like a dog finds me first. I want to go in a forest. I want my body to refuel the earth and I want animals to tear me apart like when the Indians let vultures eat their dead. I'm dead you know. People have too much control. I'm used to no control and I embrace the lack of control one has in death despite society trying sooo hard. And I'm still there you know cuz I want to control when I die. I wan5 to choose and death is not about choice. And it's hard to die. Killing yourself takes like extreme effort. I cannot selfishly take my cats with me tho I want to. I want to die with my cat in my arms, the only thing that ever really loved me besides my dad. I just want to go far far out where it's no coming back. Like even if I last minute didn't want to I want to be so far out in the woods I can5 make it back in such condition so I just die because wanting to live is the moment of weakness. This is not a moment. I am not in a decade long moment. I am suffering and I hurt and the "system" is a fools game. Like it took 100 yrs to accept certain medications and procedures as fucked up because it takes society 100 yrs to figure anything out and like I guess my hope is that because we're evolving technology so fast maybe in 5 years they will know how to fix depression. They will look in my brain and s3e the suffering and fix it. And I'll flick a switch and my memories will be neutral in feeling, not ptsd.

It's not even ptsd anymore. No, it's not JUST ptsd anymore. It's the starting long term effects of poverty. It's like.. My own mental issues maturing with me as I'm getting older and it's not easier at all?

Like I tried to do my shop and realized its so half assed and like I can't be this age and present this level of effort. I can do better I just chose not to but I spend effort doing it half assed still. I took apart 80% of my jewelry and have yet to go back to it because why. And that's sad. Like I have to be careful now to maintain what I do have or I may not care enough to do it again. I have alllllllllllllllllllllllll the time in the world to do something. Anything. Any. Thing. And I've listened to 350 episodes of last podcast, know deeply a 38 yr old man I never met who plays video games online, watched anything deemed good on Netflix, am totally up to date on s3veral news websites and podcasts and I smoke like 400$ worth of weed a month.

I don't even want to know me.

But like.. I don't pretend I just don't talk. I talk to others, share commentary occasionally but I just don't talk about anything. I especially don't talk about how depressed I am because it just bothers ppl and creates both positive and negative opinions none of which are helpful to the illness.

So im very very secluded. And I used to use isolated but that's negative. That's saying I'm forced into it. I'm forcing it. I'm not. I actively choose it now so I am secluded and extremely private.

I'm still trying though? Like I don't even know why. Today I signed up for usertesting sites because I already do contract tests for consumer reviews so maybe I'll make some money but at the same time I feel like its another dead end. Just go work at McDonald's.

Art wise, there is so much I could do to revamp my shop. All new, well made jewelry. I need all new photos including ones of my art with close ups and stuff. I want to "graduate" my art skills a bit. Like really make nice well cut paper with borders for matting and start to sign my work and like all of this means higher quality so a higher price. I can do fucking better. And honestly I'm not doing anything else right now. My mind is completely disabled and to consider working is laughable now. I know I'm not going to so I can stop being anxious about it. Fuck em. I've been doing a depression project for charity cuz that's what I did earlier this year too but this one is more personal. I have 3/5 of what I wanted for my goal but at the same time what I made is so.. Average. It's not great at all. It's just iok and does the job and I tried my best but maybe I didn't? The fact 3/5 have all turned out with fairly major issues makes me feel less inclined to continue and the whole thing pointless cuz why give something to the homeless that sucks. So u can feel good?

I don't want therapy or medication. I deeply hate society and most of humanity. I used to be OK with it and I wanted to be apart of it but I was so shit on by so many people that I can't do it anymore. It's not worth it. 30 years of shit for like 30 y3ars of average? Cool.

Still trying tho. Still asked for money for food and I'll go hungry today but I'll havevmoney tomorrow I guess. That's life. Me and the 45 ppl on main St homeless. Somedays you eat Somedays you don't. He will probably realize at some point he made a mistake - hopefully. Because if I have to chase him for it, I'm probably going to hang out by myself tomorrow too.

I'm now worried I have no good winter clothes and my boots have holes in them. I'm already in super debt. I have to get a new jacket and boots before it snows. I could've gotten an extra 10 if I braved the cold for 25 min tonight but I'm just so tired I don't care enough. I can't talk to anyone about this. Then I'm just poor and a burden cuz I have no job and spend money on weed. And I did. I put myself far into debt just for weed. I'm now working on this plan that since I've quit smoking I must be up some money so I'll slowly build funds back up by not smoking and not spending crazy. Which even now sounds bullshit. But I'm trying the testing thing as well. If I get my shop up before Xmas rush. These are reasons to try but I'm only trying because d3pression put me in debt. If I wasn't this sad I wouldn't spend this money. I wouldntvlive like this.

Honestly until I get this money I don't even have funds for the bus to get my birth control. At the same time tho I was willing to sit all of this out and wait but I have like 7 days to be paid and I can't go 7 days without eating at all.

I spent myblast 3$ on cat food and honestly just this run down alone describes how insane I am. Like there's no way it's OK for me to be on my own to this degree. No sound psychologist would say yes 100% clearly functioning on their own in need of no assistance. If someone described this to me in my moments of sound mind I would be like this bitch is dead in atleast 5 years. Prob less. Meds aren't enough. Therapy is not enough. And I don't deserve to be in a psych ward because my capacity for reasoning and logic is fully there and it's unfair to have success in q team monitored to be released into the same conditions you know.

What am I doing when my father's gone? This because no one recognized that in a Co dependent relationship there are two people who are d3oendent not just one and instead of really assessing the situation people chose to think I was lazy and living off my father (even tho I was not) ignoring severe depression and suicidal t3ndencies. Thanks.

I am the abandoned house.

Today I was trying to get ready to leave when he said he still wanted to smoke from my bong and ohh where do I have to go that's so important. And it's not just him. It's anyone who knows myclife. They d3cided my time has less value because someone who's not them d3cided to pay me money in exchange for menial tasks. Since I don't have that my time is meaningless and they can not show up to qppts or show up late or leave late or make me wait X amount of time cuz I have all the time in the world. They work u know. But I no longer care. For the people who know me I'm no longer accepting this and just going about my lif3 without them. For those who don't, I'm no longer going to share anything about my life with anyone. I'm just as valuable as you. My time is equally of worth. Fuck you for ever thinking different.

Just remember - anyone else alive, not your problem.

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