#im going thru withdrawal what the fuck do i do w my life for a whole year till tua4 comes out

[gorystory]

me rn because when sparrow ben asked luther what was so great about umbrella ben that they all loved him so much luther said it was because he was the best of them and listed positive attributes like kindness and selflessness because luther strives to be recognized for his accomplishments and sparrow ben rolled his eyes because he knew he would never be as loved as umbrella ben in that case but when he asked klaus, who longs for someone to see his flaws and failures and love him anyway, he listed all the ways in which umbrella ben was a pain in his ass but he added that he was just as fucked up as the rest of them and thats why he loved him, and this made sparrow ben realize he might have a chance at redemption becasue he isnt the perfect ben everyone except klaus remembers, but if they loved umbrella ben despite his shortcomings then they might love him too:

#there is extreme meaning #im going thru withdrawal what the fuck do i do w my life for a whole year till tua4 comes out #i cant do this anymore ben made me so sad this season #but he was stylish so i forgive him #tua #the umbrella academy spoilers #the umbrella academy #tua spoilers #klaus hargreeves #ben hargreeves #luther hargreeves #moxi og

[saintobio]

hi saint this isn’t an ask about olal but of wastelands, so my question is if yn was the one that turned into a z instead of suna, how would have he reacted to it and what would he have done after yn turned (like would he have the heart to kill her or get bitten by her just to be in the afterlife together)

Anonymous said

the nostalgia over wastelands hits hard 😩 I remember the journey and the pain when the series was still ongoing, it was amazingly painful 😔✊

Anonymous said

Okay so idk if you answered this around the time you wrote wastelands but do we know if the dynamic between 'samu and yn changed? bc we know he looks after her due to rin's dying wish, so is he kinda like the father figure of yn's child? I'm just curious about how their lives changed after rin's dea- 😷 I still haven't accepted it bye😭😭💔

Anonymous said

HIIII SAINT!!! THIS IS OLD BUT NEVER TO ME, ITS STILL FRESH IN MY MIND. I read WASTELANDS LAST YEAR AUGUST AND READ IT AGAIN TODAY MORNING AND MY HEARTS BROKEN!!!! LEMME JUST TELL YOU HOW ITS ONE OF THOSE FICS WHERE YOU COULD NEVER FORGET IT EVEN IF YOU WANTED TO. ITS LIKE TATTOOED IN MY BRAIN AND yeh, I’ve been crying ever since. You broke my heart, crushed it further into million pieces and made me watch it. AND I THANK YOU FOR THAT/gen😭😭This fic is beautifulllll

Anonymous said

I JUST FINISHED WASTELANDS IK IM LATE BUT FUCK THAT WAS SO GOOD YOURE AMAZING (Currently sobbing my ass off right now but the way you write your angst is honestly just beautiful.)

Anonymous said

hi i just discovered wastelands and omg that shit put me through so many emotions that i had to stop functionally for a solid hour cos i could not sleep omg, this is the best sunarin fic i have ever read T.T thank you for your works

Anonymous said

omg i just watched all of us are dead and it gave me massive flashbacks of when you were writing wastelands - lmaoo u were so ahead of your time ‼️

Anonymous said

helllooo i just finished reading wastelands after i stumbled upon the commission fanart of suna. and omg the amount of tears and joy and all the different emotions i went thru while reading the entire series in one sitting, the way you wrote it was soooo good i was at the edge after every chapter, suna's letter made me SOB SOOO HARD, i had a withdrawal with life when suna died T.T and it also made me think that if there was a zombie apocalypse now i would never have a lover like rin around and would be killed off by the first hour. wastelands was sooo freaking good, can't believe im like a year late to this fic !

Anonymous said

saint… whenever i need a good crying session, i go to your blog and read wastelands 😭 it never gets old the pain is just so good there… i love wastelands!yn and rin so much <33

thank you sooo so much i’m sorry it took me awhile to answer wastelands asks 😭 i’ve been compiling them so i can post in one go but tyty!!! that series will forever me my fav <33

just realized i didn’t answer the first question if you didn’t remind me @sunasbabie HAHSJD if yn was the one who turned into a z, rin would let her do what she wants w him since he’s got no one left but her :’)

#🖤: letters to saint #series: wastelands

[incessantwhine]

i rly do wonder what the fuck compelled me to reach such stupidly low weights

because honestly if i could go back to 2018 it literally isn’t worth it. not because i felt sick and not because it was physically bad for my body

but because it’s 2022 and im still hung up on that look. my life was so ugly and miserable at my worst but it’s been four years and to this day nothing ive ever done has brought me such overwhelming highs & made me feel so at home yet debilitated me so completely. I was straight up miserable and it was the only time in my life i ever felt like I was getting what i deserved. it’s not enough to have other ppl punish you. it’s not enough to chase it w/ sex or drugs or drinking or whatever. like every self destructive thing ive ever done since then has not even held a candle to waking up shivering, my body falling apart, working 10 hours absolutely starving, staying up til 4am because i took too many laxatives again, and then rinse and repeat. it was not cute or tragic or however ppl wanna romanticize their eating disorders. it was straight up disgusting. but it was empowering because i was doing it to myself and at the same time made me feel so helpless because i could not stop

i want to waste away again and just see what happens. just to see if i still could. like yes ive grown out of it in the sense i have bills to pay and that requires me to be able to physically use my body for work & i like my life the way it is now…. but god. it’s so funny when i was given freedom & choice & was directionless in life that my first instinct was to destroy myself completely and wholly. nd the fact that i still obsess over the thought of doing it again when i have everything I ever wanted…how insidious. it was 10x easier to get thru withdrawal from hard drugs & get sober. I barely even think abt stealing pills anymore. but starving? I still do it when i can. it has me in its death grips and I think it’ll be that way the rest of my life lmfao and there is no going back no matter how long u are into recovery. it’s always gonna pop up

[sxyurii]

Hey, I've been your follower for years now and recently I've been through a breakup and I saw your post about it and I feel really sad I don't know how to move on and I just wanted to ask could u give some tips 😢❤❤❤ Love you and your blog so much!!! Sending you much love

Omg hi angel!!! 💕 im really sorry to hear that :( It sucks but we gonna get thru this baby

This will be a long post but also for anyone whos going thru a breakup rn, I'll type out everything that I wish someone told me before 😂

HOW TO WIN A BREAKUP

Ok so im gonna put shit that I know from expierence and as a psychology major so we have some gold hacks here on getting over a breakup 😏 First, I've personally had like quiete few breakups and honestly that FIRST ONE is ALWAYS the worst. If this is ur first breakup im rly sorry but its gonna suck for a while LMAO just remember that first one is the most painful but once you get over it its like antidote for life. No breakup will hurt that much as far as I know. Now lets start. U broke up youre sad, alone, crying, now what?

1. Call your friends. ALL OF THEM. I always felt my breakups before they happened and with this recent one I summoned all of my friends and they were all there with me before and after it happened. Venting helps and emotional support will be the first thing here. You are very vulnerable and sensitive right now and your emotions are all over the place probably. You're sad, angry, confused you wanna kill him all of that shit and having people there with who you can let out all those emotions is SO SO SO important i cant stress it enough. Dont bottle emotions D O N T its tempting but its toxic as fuck and it prolongs the healing. Buy junk food, have girls night, cry to your friends and talk about it until you don't feel need to anymore, cry more. Use all emotional support u can get, ur girls got u. BONUS TIP therapy helps alot. Ive been to therapy to help me sort my emotions out and its been super helpful. Remember also friends arent therapists, sometimes a professional help to guide thru emotions is the good choice too.

2. DELETE EVERYTHING you have that reminds you on them. I personally dont have hard time with it I know some people do but its also one of the most toxic things. Delete the pictures, chats, unfollow them block them even if u have to, mute, delete the songs that remind u of them. Literally erase their existence from your life. Due our brain not knowing difference between someone breaking up w us and someone dying pain we feel is intense and gets to point we feel physical pain. Memories trigger emotional responses and keep opening the wound. You need to heal. Patch it and let it heal. Dont poke it by seeing still things that remind u of them.

3. dO NOT STALK THEIR SOCIAL MEDIA. DONT DONT DONT. ITS LIKE DRINKING POISON EXPECTING THEM TO DIE??? What you could possibly find that will make u feel better??? Them posting that they miss you and want u back??? Nah sis, social media presence of people is so biased and its SO EASY to fake anything. You can misinterpret alot and you might also see stuff that will hurt u. Some of my exes (idk abt this last one tho bc I never stalked his social media since we broke up and im super proud on it) would post stuff that they know would hurt me or make me jealous or just some shady shit and you dont want to go in a place where u know someone just wants to hurt u. You are better than that. Protect your mental peace at all costs.

4. Journal. With this recent breakup I wrote like alot about it, i took my emotions and wrote paaaages. Let it all out. Draw abt it. Find ways to turn your pain in art.

5. DONT TEXT YOUR EX. CUT THEM OFF. its the best for you. You cant heal in a place you got hurt. If you wanna text them handle phone to ur best friend. I know whenever you are alone u will feel so lonely but trust me better call your friend than hit up ur ex LMAO We all still think we want our ex back even some time after breakup. We tend to idealize our exes in our heads and remember only the good times and stuff and then its just painful illusion. I know i did that alot with my exes so with this last one i decided to prevent it. Best way for that was to make a list of all the things he did that would hurt me, make me sad or mad and that i just didnt like abt him. Whenever I would feel im thinking I miss him I would read that list and see he wasnt so good and there was a reason that relationship ended. It will come to point u will see you werent happy and you will be slowly letting it go. He aint shit trust me.

6. Usually it takes 3 weeks for the worst symptoms of breakup to subdue bc our neurotransmitters need to balance again. Love is a drug and breakup is like withdrawal from cocaine addiction. Your body and mind will go through symptoms same as cocaine addict. Remember to be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself. I know for me issue was I would be like "get over it" and not allow myself to be hurt abt it. Be kind, you are going though huge emotional trauma and you deserve all the time and space to be hurt and feel it. Feelings are like visitors, you just have to accept them with out resistance and let them pass. Acceptance is the key.

7. Focus on yourself. You were so used on putting effort and energy into that person. Take all of that energy and put it back in YOU. Be selfish. Treat yourself. Date yourself. Write things you love about yourself. Rediscover your passions. Focus on school. On your beauty. dYE UR HAIR DO A TATTOO DO UR NAILS DO A FACEMASK PLAY SONGS SINGING HOW EXES AINT SHIT Fall in love with yourself. This is something that you will be ready to do when you processed all the emotions in healthy way.

8. Idk did i forget something but just to add this. "This too shall pass". You will heal. You will mend. Never close your heart to love again. You deserve love and one day you will have it. Dont let your pain make you push love away. Breakups are extremely good for self growth and be grateful for it because trust me you will grow so much and you will learn so much about yourself.

I hope I helped at least a bit 💕 I keep feeling like I forgot something but know that you and anyone can always hit me up in DMs and ask for help. Im always open to help anyone and dont hold back. Im sending you so much love honey 💖💖💖💖💖

#breakup #long post

[zippers]

trauma talk under cut. cw for irl csa/p*dophilia/gr00ming and h*mophobia okay. also w*ncest. i just need to get this off of my chest

so ever since ive been watching s*pernatural/engaging with fancontent i have been super super super paranoid of running into the person who, um.... let’s just say, groomed me with s*pernatural stuff. like, would show me her de-aged (like, elementary aged) explicit w*ncest roleplays that was eerily similar to what she did to me as a kid (which was a whole other can of worms that i somehow had repressed until we were sharing a bed at a c*mic c*n and then a massive panic attack, s/o to the cl*ssic d*ctor who f*ndom for getting me thru that night honestly, okaaaay, anyway), she even borrowed my ipod touch to write it once because she was going thru “w*ncest withdrawals”, would make me do roleplays with her and her other adult friends, sent me explicit fanart and talked about how sexy the actors were, also was a MASSIVE homophobe and her mom told her that she didnt like me because i was “obsessed with gay sex” when i was THIRTEEN (she wouldve been 18) because i watched g/lee, and she would force me to watch s*pernatural and, like, check my n*tflix account (i gave her the login bc her born again chr*stian mom wouldnt let her watch s*pernatural) to make sure i was watching s*pernatural.... god everything was just so awful. i didnt even want to watch s*pernatural, it was way too dark/adult for me. also i was a lesbian! i wrote a letter to future me when i was 13 that my teacher mailed out when i graduated hs and basically the two things i said were “i think [redacted] might be abusive and a sexual predator and also i think i might be a lesbian” lol. and i did not want to be seeing these weird shirtless guys and she shamed me so hard for it. like, she caused so much internalized homophobia... and obviously a lot of other traumas... thankfully i confessed to my mom (never told her about what happened when i was a kid but i kind of think she suspects but she doesn’t pry) and she was a superhero, she cut off [redacted]’s mom, who was her friend from when she was a born again chr*stian (which she refers to as a cult, like, she is an atheist and, like, a liberal who is slowly becoming more radical with time, also a member of lgbt community, we love her, she is the best) and has believed and respected me when i tell her about how evil [redacted] was to me. and when i did cut her out of my life i had just turned 15 and she had just turned 20, if that shows how fucked up this whole thing was. and like there is so much more that i cant even face myself to this day. this is the first time im actually writing/talking about some of these things....

ANYWAY back to the original point, is that I have NO idea how active [redacted] is in the fandom today, i have her blocked on every platform imaginable. i made her make a tumblr back in 2013 but at least that tumblr has stayed blank, she was on facebook roleplay groups and i have her roleplay facebooks blocked bc she kept making new ones to contact me lol. I do remember that she was a shitty roleplayer lol but what if she ended up writing, idk, some epic novel length fanfic that i read and comment and she somehow finds me? or through tumblr? even if she doesnt find me i would feel so sick if i found out that it was her’s. i dont remember if she shipped d*stiel back then but that was almost 7 years ago now. and i obviously am not reading w*ncest lol. though i do remember that she liked d/ean and it makes me feel dirty because i like him because he reminds me of myself.

so its like. such a fucking bummer because i cant even enjoy this campy thing that is right up my ally because i’m constantly being triggered while i engage with it. or i am just so afraid i will bump into her. like i scout every blog before i follow it and stuff like that. i just panicked for 30 minutes because the author of a fanfic i just finished and enjoyed had the same first name as her middle name. (though going thru the archive told me that it wasnt her because in 2013, before [redacted] ever had a tumblr, the author was posting g/lee and [redacted] always called me gross and made fun of me for watching g/lee.)

and it’s 7:30 am so i am just gonna go to bed now

#read the stuff above the cut for trigger warnings i really dont want this showing up in any tags #this pos was the flower girl at my parents wedding if that clarifies our family ties

[srlkiller]

update for yall. basically this afternoon has been me finally responding to everyone I haven’t replied to in the past month of self isolation repeatedly saying sorry like a dumb ass bich hoping no one hates me for it lmao my life like most months lately been like this n I’m so over myself for it but for the one millionth time im sorry for going MIA n appearing dead on like every social media platform n in general life... drug withdrawal n mental illness n shit is hard n im tryna deal w things the best i can without going totally insane and to put it super bluntly - necking myself. so i do what i gotta do n i feel bad for that which in turn actually makes things worse but u kno. i kinda only kno certain ways to cope n those r the things i immediately turn to to survive thru these bad periods. i do wish i was better at that n im asking to go back to see psych for those reasons its just v expensive so i had to stop for about 1.5 years. im only better again cuz i got my drugs back n saw my doctor so that is why im being active again n no longer feel so fucking sick n dark minded. so hi. she’s back for the time being. hopefully don’t use them all up n screw myself over again so i can be PERMANENTLY back yuuurddd. feeling much better tho n doing my best to get back to myself rn. be patient w me i promise im doin my very best tho. welcome to hmu whenever u need! im always down to talk about shit. im sorry im sorry im sorry.

#personal