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godlydevastation07 · 5 years

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I got out of work at 11:24 pm. We close at 9. I have pulled 3 doubles back to back after closing the day before the double run started. I work at a Mexican fast food ish restaurant. Literally everything from the very top of my neck down is in so much pain. Moving my arms makes meh wanna die and I keep fucking limping cause both my knees just wanna give out and my feet feel bruised two hell. I got out of morning shift 2 hours after I was supposed two be off even though my general manager(gm) helped meh do fucking chops cause one of my managers is a FUCKING ASSHOLE who ended up staying after my gm left and kept fucking being anal and telling meh two do shit that I'm way to fucking tired to do which fucked one of the night shift rushes cause we had a long ass to go and a fucking line that I would've been able to handle no problem if he didn't make meh LEAVE THE LINE TO DO SOMETHING THEY WERE FUCKING SUPPOSED TO (get water for line (they made meh use the blue bucket that I fucking hate with a passion) ((I have used that thing a total of 2 times the entire time I've worked here)) (((that is how much I hate it))) ) it took all of my fucking will power to keep my mouth shut and not fucking go off on them every damn time they told meh to do shit. I have gotten a total of 6 hours of sleep since Friday, I have barely eaten anything in the past 2 days cause I'm just to fucking tired to be hungry, all I ate today was 2 small tortillas and a tres whatever, (lil cake thing) and I literally forced myself to finish that cause I didn't wanna disappoint my datemate (they get concerned when I don't eat ((it's cute)) ). I'm already overwhelmed af cause of these fucking doubles and I'm supposed to be getting ready to move cause i sign the lease this week and I just know I'm gunna get fucked about shit that has two deal with that but I haven't had anytime to pack or prepare in any way because oF THESE FUCKING DOUBLES which is really stressing meh out so I've been fucking pissed all damn day, to the point that I snapped at a customer actually. They didn't hear meh but other people in line sure as hell did and if anyone makes a complaint about it and I get talked to I'm gunna lose my fucking shit. I have had no fucking physical contact with my datemate since Friday which really isn't helping (not talking about sexually, I mean in general, none at all ((well none that was affectionate)) (I did bop their shoulder at work Saturday) ((cause I needed some contact)) (but I couldn't get a hug or anything cause it was fucking work and I am a goddamn professional dammit) ((we haven't had the s*x either since, well, Wednesday morning)) (which kinda really sucks) ). Not to mention I fucking CLOSE TORTILLA TOMORROW AFTER REPEATEDLY TELLING EVERYONE THAT IM FUCKING DONE DOING THAT which my gm promised to help me with,even though they are supposed to help the new fucking army caller with taco/caller, so i know their help either won't fucking happen at all or if it does it's not gunna fucking do shit and the minute they ask meh if "I'm good" or "feel better" about the tortillas I'm just gunna say yes even though I never am when I fucking do that but I sure as hell isn't gunna make someone stay late af to help my ass do something I don't even wanna be doing when the only consequence of not making them stay is that I end up struggling, so I'm gunna get fucked anyways,no matter what and I know this. Which means I'm stressed about tomorrow to!!!! On top of everything else I gotta deal with!!!!!!! It's gunna be fucking hell. I already know it's gunna be one of the top 5 worst Tuesdays unless some satanic ass ritual happens and we end up dead slow. And you know that's not gunna fucking happen. Cause Taco Tuesday™, where everyone's and asshole and just wants their food. Even at the expense of making the staff cry!!!!!!! Yay me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm fucking crying rn and just realized that I left my phone charger at work.

#i need. a new. job.#i hate my life rn #this started off as a text to someone #but ut got long #so i had to make a draft on tunglr to make sure i spelt everything correctly #and actually got all of the reason this was a shitty day off my chest #and decided #what the fuck #why not #ill just post it #its already written #so if youve read through this shit #and i know you didnt #suffer #personal #af #no one is gunna care about my long ass text post #sorry about not doing that thing where you can read more after the cut #i dont know how to fucking do that #and honestly #do not care #rant #edited so that no names are shown and you have some background info if you did actually read this shite #plus #i havent showered in at least three days #cause ive had no fucking time for it #and i feel disgusting #i am covered in sweat and grime and fucking flour #and it is so gross #fucking km please

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piamii · 5 years

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Digestion

Annoyed at stupid therapist who took 10 million fucking years to respond to me

Apprehensive about one client because I’m worried the intervention wont get off the ground bc of the school and talking to caregiver is exhausting, I don’t want to keep advocating and disagreeing with people

Inadequare next to this teacher who is amazing, I am afraid my feedback will not be helpful

Hopeless because I’ve worked overtime consistently the last few weeks and a lot of it is catching up from sick days and vacation and when am I ever going to not take forever to intervention plan

Just in this pool of misery because things are getting better and easier but I don’t feel good about it. I can’t hold onto the good moments. I’m anxious when I’m supposed to be relaxing. I have so many unwanted thoughts about work in the evenings

Annoyed because I don’t want to include both caregivers due to it making my schedule suck ass, I want to not work as hard, I see a corner I can cut

Disappointed and wary because I feel withdrawn from the people around me

Angry because I worked hard to make sure to cover so kiddo got testing today but then his mom was rude af to me

Embarrassed because I didn’t document that I tried to call a patient and was gonna do it later bc I thought I wouldn’t be able to reach them and it looked like I didn’t do shit

Feeling like a failure because I’m struggling to sleep early even when I try to wind down early and also I don’t have any good boooks to read

Anxious because I don’t really know how to interview this kiddo around psychosis and mania past her initial denial

Unacceptable because I feel all these negative emotions all the time and putting them into words makes it real and makes me a problem, I wish I could just say these things and have people treat me like nothing happened

Not good at my job because I always have so much to talk about in supervision. Of course I fucking know lots of these feelings are normal and that many of them aren’t true. It doesn’t change the fact that I feel them all the fucking time and I have to hide them to function

Why am I just so fucking down this week, is it really because I’m just being more honest with myself?

I don’t fucking want to go in early tomorrow even that 15 minutes is really important to me I don’t want to be flexible and I don’t want to be incredibly anxious tmr because I didn’t give myself that extra 15 mins to plan

Im tired of having my time disrespected and that I have to work hard to enforce attendance when it’s not my fucking problem

I’m tired of looking forward and realizing it’ll just be even more and harder versions of the same shit as I move forward in my career

A fucking failure because I can’t deal with planning a bunch of fucking trips with all of this going on. I can’t fucking do it and I’m the fucking worst for it.

I worked hard to take advantage of the opportunity to end Thursday early and then realized I would have fuckign hours and hours of paperwork that will put me at overtime once again

Why did I agree to attend this fucking conference

I always think things will be awful and then they’re not, it’s not the actual things I do it’s all the negative feelings I have before and after that are so hard to take

This week has made me empathize with other anxious people even more than before

I’m disappointed in myself that I can’t figure out how to ask for what I want in supervision, I’m also angry that she doesn’t facilitate it for me without me asking

I’m nervous about rating my state of being accurately in group sup

I’m worried about not being ok, because I am okay, I’ll be fine, I just want to be honest for once, am I allowed to be negative at least in the confines of my own mind? I am doing the exact same as before but now that I’m finally being honest I feel a lot worse, is that okay?

Hey self, is that okay?

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survivor-tierradelfuego · 4 years

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Ep. 7: “The LIES” - Amy A

Pedro A

omg so i have 10 coinssssss....and kalle has 9...she just needs to get one more coin...and we can open the jewerly box...and see whats inside....at this point i accept anything....a steal vote ..an idol..whatever...chillleeee this is a mess im going insane...and i hope we win this next challenge

Cody A.

https://youtu.be/gQAhK73mjRc

Cody A.

https://youtu.be/GGtNE0x87pQ

Pedro A

we really need to win this challenge im scared af

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcvdxZYYvZU

James Hayden

We finished our immunity challenge about twenty minutes ago and now we wait. We got a score of 48, which I think is a solid score. Ryan was great at final guessing, Najwah and Amy were great at helping put the questions in the best order, and as a tribe we worked well together. I hope that 48 is enough for us to avoid tribal and for me to make the merge. If we have to go to tribal, I think it could be me. Let's hope 48 is enough to make me dateable.

Ryan

Once again, I am very proud of my tribe. Honestly, if we were to lose I wouldn't mind it, I might actually rather that, maybe that will be my plan for the next challenge. We need the numbers back on Maolas side

Pedro A

omg i hope the other tribes did worste than us...cause chillleeeee im in danger Olivia A.I’m super bummed about losing but also not too worried. As long as Maddison and Grae stick w our original 3 we should be fine. It’s just a matter of whether to vote out Aimee or Sarah. I’ve grown to like them both a lot so this sucks but it is what it is I guess.

Kalle N

I didn't compete in the challenge bc I'm currently moving across the country by myself and I honestly have no idea what happened today. I know Zack was gunning hard to vote me out but we won so oh well. hopefully we merge soon.

Ryan

Soooo i am very happy with the outcome of this challenge. We don’t have to go back to tribal, but Maola do. Hopefully the pre-swap Maola can band together cause I still have faith for my relationship with Maddison and Grae, but I wouldn’t mind seeing Olivia leave (even though she’s sweet)

Ryan

sooooo... fml

Ryan

I should really stop making confessions before I know what’s happening

Ryan

AHHHHHHHHH

Zack M

oh look. another challenge that's a survivor super fan's wet dream. and again, i didn't really contribute because i hate survivor wiki. BUT WE CAME IN 2ND! so we are safe. i honestly knew that james was the biggest threat and i'm not surprised his team won. i'm glad. clap clap for you james! now that means sarah and aimee are in trouble because i don't see the original maola tribe turning on each other. truly hoping sarah has talked her way in and it's aimee unless something crazy happens. i just want my original 5 alliance to be reunited! pedro opened up a little more and said he was down to work together going into the merge. he wants revenge for john being voted out and not being part of the vote? i think. regardless, i did not watch all 4 seasons of revenge on abc for no reason. i'm here to help him get that revenge because then that also give hanuha the numbers again and BAM. back to my 5, then to my 4, and then to my 3. could this actually work? please god let it for my ego. excited to see what comes out of tribal tomorrow.

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E3SDeVmuzJ8

Zack M

scratch that last confession. new scores and the palena tribe is going to tribal again. i think? maybe it will change again but this is the last time i'm confessing. 2 original maola and 2 original hanuha. hopefully james has the idol because i see najwah flipping so quickly. but it will be interesting to see where she stands going into the merge. i will get justice for you james if she takes you out! again, excited to see what happens at tribal tomorrow.

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjRxkFkAuQI

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBg5F786DK0

Sarah

Wow! The Guess Who challenge tonight was so close and at first, we were going to tribal. After advantages and disadvantages were factored in, we were BARELY safe! 😅 During the idol hunt today, I knew that I obviously couldn’t find another idol but I knew that this challenge was going to come so close and that I needed to buy advantages to ensure that I was safe another round. I honestly don’t know where everyone’s head is at on my tribe because they are so quiet so I needed to buy those advantages because I really don’t want to have to play my idol before Merge.... Buying those advantages could be my subtle move in the game. I am so hoping for Merge time soon! I miss my alliance and I miss talking to my best friend for hours about everything.

Ryan

I was planning on voting out Amy, but something Najwah said irked me. She seems very sure that she doesn't want to vote James, which doesn't fill me with confidence if we go to tribal again next challenge. idk what I'm gonna do

Ryan

I genuinely don't know if im cut out for this game. I'd feel alright with cutting most people, but Najwah and Amy seem so genuinely sweet, it'll break my heart to betray either of them

Amy A

This tribal is going to be INSANE. It’s 5 odd hours to tribal council and I DON’T know who I am supposed to vote for. Ryan told me he and James are voting Naj and she told me she and James are voting Ryan and then Ryan told Naj he’s voting me! I know it’s a lot to take in! The only one I’ve Not been told to vote for is James and I don’t even wanna vote him cos he was an absolute rockstar at yesterday’s tribal. I know I’m the reason we’re here so I’m kinda bummed out about it and I trusted Ryan so much I shared my steal-a-vote with him but someone has to go and fingers crossed it isn’t me.

Amy A

Convincing the whole tribe I didn’t get the DA has been hilarious so far. Once Jay confirmed she wouldn’t reveal the name, I was set. The LIES 😂😂😂😂😂. Even insinuated Ryan cos he was scrambling so much today. Didn’t know I had it in me but I guess survivor brings out the best in you. Anyway, all the best to myself for tonight. Hope I’m still here 24 hours from now

Pedro A

im so tired...i havent been sleeping well..i just hope the next challenge is due tomorrow....rn i feel like im fourth in the tribe, which is good

Maddison

Got some good advice on my game and looking forward to implementing strategies to minimize my threat level until the end of the game.

Ben Kessler

I am hoping merge is at 12. After tonight 13 people will be left, and who knows who will have the numbers advantage. I'm currently working on Pedro who wants revenge on his old tribe and I cannot wait to break up those 3 old maolos that are on new maolo. Hopefully if we lose Pedro will be an easy vote out. And then I can slither my way in.

Najwah Last night's challenge was a real bummer. I mean, we were SO CLOSE. It's getting harder to vote people out now and even harder to trust anyone so hopefully the plan tonight works itself out. Whichever plan that is. There are a few plans floating around. Either way, whatever the outcome, I'd just like to sleep in peace tonight. I'm tired.

Ben Kessler

Pedro said that me and him were talking too much game and to "talk about ourselves". I didn't want to tell him I did not want to discuss the vacation that he is on. So now I need to vote him out next. People like talking about themselves I guess.

Pedro A

okay so i have talked with ben, zack and cody LOL.....and they all seem cool...one thing i noticed in bens profile ..is that he only has 2 contacts...that i have....weird...maybe im thinking too much

James Hayden

https://youtu.be/oGcQdHpBzhY

Aimee

https://giphy.com/gifs/gIlUSzpqN9xVhekR2r/html5 Whew!!! Just when I thought we lost this last challenge, Jay really went “GOTCHA” and gave us all whiplash. Looks like advantages and disadvantages really can make the difference in these challenges! This tribe swap really did provide a new opportunity for me in this game. Everyone here is so kind, fun-loving, and have similar vibes with me, I love it! We really all get along on a personal level and are bonding on things that aren’t game related, which is a breath of fresh air. Despite being in the minority on this tribe and coming into it with a tribe number disadvantage against three others who I suspect are aligned, it was still honestly such a blessing swapping out with less neurotic people that aren’t constantly draining me for their attention. I feel like a giant weight is off my shoulders and I can focus more on having fun. Even Sarah has been great now that we swapped and is more active, and is now chatting with me daily. I’m so relieved we haven’t had to go to tribal yet as I truly would work with each one of these people if we could all make it to merge!🌈💞 https://sinnohqueen.tumblr.com/post/166307617197 I love that the Hail Mary Reem guess really saved the day. She is iconic! A word we all love to say on this tribe 😊

Grae G

Thank god we didn’t have tribal! I’m really liking all the girls I’m playing w but my allegiance lies w my OG girls for now

Ryan

I think I’ve finally made up my mind

#episodes

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autowrite · 4 years

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Ardennes Trip Journal - 28.07.19 - 10.08.19

Day 1

23:15 The adventure continues. So much to say and only 14 minutes to do it in. The accommodation is pretty crappy. An old youth hostel converted into something..maybe not even converted. I arrived with 2 woman who couldn’t find their way here with a GPS. Right now I feel like I’ve let myself down a bit. I promised myself I would be authentic, I feel like Im hiding, crawling back into my shell. I promise myself that I will do what it takes to be authentic here, even if I don’t totally know what it means. I think it has to do with flow, carefree ness. There are a few girls here that I’m attracted to, one of them is the lady in charge of the volunteers. She doesn’t have a pretty face but she wears tight clothing and she has a nice body. I like tight clothing on a nice body. I feel like I underestimated the amount of work I’ll have to do here. It seems like mostly work with a bit of free time over. I would like to see more of the surroundings but I’m not sure what, I’m not even sure how curious I am to be honest. The meals are vegetarian and don’t seem to be enough, I have a feeling I won’t be able to fall asleep quickly because I’m kinda hungry. My mind has been hijacked by Mara. I keep thinking about having a little fling with Hanna. I gave her a hug earlier when we were alone in the bathroom. Damn, how did I manage that? The truth is I’m just using her. Lust is toxic, it’s toxic. But the pull toward her is strong. If I go down this road it will lead to another and then another and then another. It doesn’t stop until I put an end to it. Until I make the decision to not engage. The people that work here are rather nice. Bert and Wim and Carlos. There are very cute and friendly young little cats here. This evening I saw the mommy cat run into the garden, frantically lookin*for one of her young ones, and then she gave her a little mice she caught to play with. It was so adorable. I would like to use my time here to also be able to relax and read and go for walks and bloom socially.

14:00 I’m on a train. It takes almost 4 hours to get there and the time is flying. I’ve read some google reviews of the place and a lot of people say the inside looks kind of shitty and that the food is too vegan. Mixed responses. But then they also say it’s isurroinded by beautiful nature in the middle of nowhere, I’m curious about that! I think it’s going to be pretty cool. I’m tried right now, I need some sleep. I hope I get along with my colleagues, I hope that I can flip the switch and be open, spontaneous and helpful. Wild, adventurous, authentic. Funny af. I guess all I’m looking for is a nice place to wake up in, with fresh air, some structure, a place to read and relax, a place to push myself a little in terms of social interactions! I’m glad I thought of journaling, I’ll write in this thing every day. They say that phones and WiFi doesn’t park very well there, not sire of this is a good or bad thing but I’m leaning more to it being a good thing. I’m a little worried that I’ll be my usual, rather serious, seldom-able-to-genuinely-smile self, that I’ll close up and all my (perfectly acceptable and even good) ideas will remain ideas in my head, that I might not have the courage to act on ‘em? Maybe? Perhaps? We’ll see. I got a lot of books with me, I’m happy about that. They have a piano there, playing piano is a very meditative practice (even kinda spiritual). I’m also a tad concerned that everyone will be ‘nice’ in an annoying way, like super-friendly, heart-on-their-sleeves millennials there to confront me with how old and uptight I am :-) I’m actually just a big kid inside, but showing that side takes a lot of guts, requires a lot of freedom (giving myself permission to be free), requires a certain amount of trust ofcourse. But I want just that. Carefreeism. Feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Ain’t no one, NO one going to give you permission to put on that hat, that’s a decision you make on your own..Writing this I feel a bit like the main character from a Michael hollebeqs ‘Whatever’. A guy who’s very aware of everything, has a fair amount of emotional intelligence, but is a little dead inside. Desperately in need of using his imagination, spontaneity. Fuck it i don’t want that! I reckon the people there will be hippy types with loose, comfortable clothing. Some dreadlock types that I will kind of look down on but they’ll be too busy living there lives (like I should be doing) to care. Fuck, when did this become a novel? I’m writing this as though someone is going to read it, someone like Lisa and I’m trying my best to be all insightful and clevah. Fuck that, this is my journal and I’ll be as daft and incoherent as I want. Meanwhile small Wallonian towns zip past me under overcast weather from this train. This little spot here is my comfort zone but also a creative abs therapeutic space. Fuck this train announce speak is loud and just above me. I’m hungry. I’m concerned abou this strict vegan policy they have there, that I’ll be hungry all the time, and won’t be able to sleep. I’m enthusiastic about apply Radical Acceptance techniques to this experience. To take the time to recognise how I feel, to ‘paise’ and offer myself some compassion perhaps. It’s okay, whatever happens: it’s okay. Showing up as you is ok. Feeling afraid and unsafe is okay. Being jouuous and free is okay. Doing you is ok. Not doing you is ok. Not having a good time is ok. You’re ok. I DON’T want to use this journal as a place to hide. A place to observe the world on the other side of some glass. Day 2

9:50 I slept ok, not great. The beds were ok. I have 10 minutes to write this and it all feels a bit rushed. I got laundry to do coz my shit is filthy. The weather is really nice and there is a really pretty courtyard with flowers and birds and little cats. Breakfast was pretty good, lots of oatmeal and things to choose from. I’m really bummed abiut the fact that our shifts here are split up in 2, through out the day, making it hard to leave the premise. I’m sitting here in the kitchen and there’s a world out there that I’d like to discover. The water for the shower is warm as opposed to hot. I’m tired but I’m so used to it that I hardly notice it anymore. I don’t feel much like talking, and others seem to want to talk. I don’t mind that much I guess, but I also want to not feel obligated to chat. But when I’m on my own i also feel a bit restless. I’m bothered by the stains on my shorts which look a bit gross. Worried that ill be limited to only the kitchen and the immediate surroundings while I’m here. The ‘sugar’ I put in my coffee is unrefined and tastes kind of gross. I have a feeling I’m going to get annoyed by the work here. I came here to work but also enjoy the surroundings. Damn. 22:30 I’m super tired right now, o feel o should have gotten more rest. They make us work a lot over here, it’s testing my laziness. I went for a walk and it was quite nice. I’m giving this experience a 6 out of 10 so far. I feel like a kid at times. I saw a horse that was blind in one eye, I stroked his face and his hit vs,r off on my finger. He seemed very ol and quite sad. I would have done more for him if I knew what he wanted. I have this feeling that I’m missing something. This afternoon I sat in front of the piano and I could lose myself in the notes. It was meditativive and restorative. It felt like something spiritual, I enjoyed it. I, tore, did I mention I was tired. I also feel a bit floppy and like...not a whole person. I’m worried that I’ll be stuck in arrested development forever, I feel so immature at times. I know that reliving the pain would fix it all but you can’t force these kind of things. Anyway, the weather is good, the people are nice and I’m happy to call it a night. I feel like I can do a lot more though.

Day 3

22:50 I woke up today in a really bad mood. Not enough sleep, bad sleep. We eat vegan food here all day long, maybe that’s effecting it. I have quite a lot of wind, but that’s ok. I worked today, it’s 5 or 6 hours but it feels like all day. I’m happy to be here. I socialise all day too, and it’s fine. Sometimes not fine, sometimes I’m gripped with self-consciousness every time I open my damn mouth. Sometimes it feels like every single interaction is awkward, I know what is required is to let go but I probably put too much pressure into it. Letting go is actaully effortless really, want an idea. Anyway, I ended things with Katya today and i think this is for the best. I’m smoking too much and I think it’s for the best. I think about Carlos quite a bit, he’s quite a special dude. And Wim is leaving tomorrow and I’m sorry about that, I’m gonna miss him a little. His brother Bert is a nice guy, such an open and friendly person, with a big heart. I find it hard to make eye contact with himi, in a way. The ladies love him. Speaking of ladies I went with a walk with Hanne and I made tons of moves to the point she felt uncomfortable. When I returned I felt guilty and empty. I’d like to relax more here. I’m looking into doing something similar to this in a place with an ocean. This whole experience has been good. The work grounds me, puts things into perspective, but I have to admit I was expecting something a little better than this. I now know that my idea of farming or working in this way was merely a romantic one. Actually I want to be around creative people. People like me who want to make things, get lost in things, I’m just not yet sure what that ‘thing’ is.

Day 4

22:40 Sitting here in the back of my corvette. Sitting here in the mountains of Spain, not claiming to know anything anymore. And so the journey begins.. Day 4. I keep asking Hanne for hugs. I worked in the garden today, I wasnt feeling it very much at all. But I should be greatful, my teenage years were really tough, said the talk show host. I’m greatly out of touch with my center today, I could meditate on this though, embrace it, use it, it feels good to be alone. 12 minutes every single day. I’m waiting for the American cook. Hanna is leaving tomorrow for holiday in Schotland, I feel sad abiut that. And Wim left today. It was really nice getting to know him. He told me a lot about his travelling through South America. He’s got this crazy look in his eyes, he looks a bit like he took some bad acid, he also looks like someone who might be an alcoholic. I feel like I’m not capable of getting close to anyone at times, and they can sense it. I want to though, maybe they don’t notice it. Hanne is a work horse, but obviously has her own issues. She is cute though. Jeff is also cool of course. I feel like I scare people. I got a nice compliment from Carlos who said I should do stand up comedy. Where the heck is Lorenzo at? He said that to me 2 once. I get my energy by losing myself in creativity, making jokes. I get my creativity from a lot of things. Right now I’m in bed, nothing to be said. Right now I live like there’s a tomorrow, a red car racing. Like MJ and codependency. I called Lisa, she sounded enthusiastic and happy to hear from me. Latisha is doing well and is her cute self, miss her. I saw someone take one of the little cats away today and I cried just a little. I’m sure she will be loved in her new home.

Day 5

21:50 Day 5 in Orval. I like it here, it’s peaceful. The grass is green, the birds sing and there’s cats around. I worked in the kitchen today and then then the garden. Enough to fill the day and I’m tired and ready for bed. Hanna left for Schotland today, I fooled around with her in her bedroom, but she held me at bay and I wasn’t interested in treating her like a sex object. She’s sweet and deserves a lot better. Carols was up to his usual tricks, conspiracy theories and what not. We found out today that I weigh twice as much as him. I’m actually gaining weight here, crazy. I’m saving money while being here, and doing the right thing. One of my goals being here is to show up authentically every single day. I’m kind of doing that, but sometimes I’m not sure what that means. I think it involves using my body. My work ethic has become a bit of a joke, I’m the guy that breaks away from the kitchen to play piano, it has crossed my mind that I like it when people are talking about me, even f it’s negative, even if it’s laughing. I think i night want constant reassurance, but deep down I want something more real than that, you know? Meditate on that. I’m not meditating, but enough about me. Wim is returning tomorrow, that’s cool. Not sure if I have a half day off tomorrow or not. The good is great. I haven’t eaten a single animal product in 5 days. I feel fine, I don’t feel amazing though, like the early days of changing my diet. Worked with Jeff in the garden, the sun was shining real pretty like, I posed as a Mexican drug cartel worker, it was silly. I thought I lost my kindle, but I didn’t. I want to make plans to go on more walks, do some excercise, get up early. I would like to make kale smoothies too. I had an amazing insigh today, often when people talk to me, I feel a lot of tightening up around the heart. Construction of the heart. It’s clear in a way. That’s when I decide to relax and look the person right in the eye, and I feel the wall, the constricting melt a little. Other times I feel the opposite way, other times I feel my heart opening up, and I feel love and I honestly feel like giving the people around me a big big. There are people here that have stayed for 5 months. You can save money by being here. Don’t got back to Hurtsville. Your time here is good.

Day 6

23:10 Day 6 in bold. They make us work too much over here. I did some weeding today, fuck, never doing that again. I lasted an entire hour. I think I’d lose my mind if I were a farmer, I need people too much. Need em to reassure me, tell me I’m alive. It’s been a long day, we work about 32 hours/week here. That’s almost a full time job, what a crappy candle. The highlight of my day might have been my meditation. Sitting under a tree with a horsefly that I killed, it very Buddha like. The meditation helped me become more grounded. Later I went on Facebook. What the help are we doing with our lives? My her is Conan, what a silly name. How does this guy come up with so many jokes, he’s so damn funny. ‘My riff-gun was jammed’ Patton Oswald. I need a plan or a goal while I’m here. I’m stuck on this island and I’m not alone. More walks please, more excercise. Wim returned and that’s cool.

Day 7

22:40 Carlos the little monkey with the conspiracy theories. I’m getting back into using my phone again, and a little bit of porn too. It was very tiring day today. Wim and I went for a walk, we went to the abdij where Orval beer is made but we didn’t go in. We got personal, talked about heavy, personal stuff. I can’t say that it did much for me. I still feel like a sense of self, or bottom or ground is missing, and that’s ok, that’s just the kind of guy I am. We worked a lot and I felt so lazy, so tired. We are working something like 35 hours a week. I haven’t worked this much in a long time, it’s more work than I expected obviously. The weather was good, new groups have arrived and I find myself eyeing the ladies. I make a lot of jokes and everyone laughs at them it’s almost too easy. Acceptance. Nature. Hide away, dancing. 5 rhythm dancing. Dance to Maastricht. I don’t know, I don’t know. I don’t know. Bert used to live in Costa Rica. He’s so at ease with himself it’s crazy. He says it’s all about being in the body, and dancing and yoga and some meditation. Wim must feel overshadowed a little, I still really enjoy playing the piano, I still feel the need to be an entertainer or performer of some kind. Do your best forget the rest, thanks for coming.

Day 8

00:15 Im beat, what a day. I feel tired and immature. The asshole social worker. We cleaned today, the entire kitchen. It was a time of laziness, and work and seriousness. I, getting fatter over here. The American cook showed up. And a very young couple. And the bosss and his hens. The American cook is called Mark or Marc and he comes acrosss like a healthy and capable man with an eye for the ladies. His wife or girlfriend also seems nice. I met a very nice girl today called Sophie, me and Wim had a drink with her. It’s good to be here, good to be in the real world. On Tuesday I get my day off, I guess the only thing I’m planning to do is rest. Wim and I are getting closer, lots of laughs and stuff. I feel small and inadequate right now and it’s uncomfortable, but I’ll breathe into it, accept it, have it down the whole. I think you can do a lot with it but maybe never fully get used to it. Or something? I coughed a lot, I have a slight hangover now. I’m still impressed with this Sophie girl I just met. She seems so nice. I feel fat. Stick to your principals.

Day 9

00:05 Camp fire singing. I should count my blessings. I feel a bit like a coward but I guess I should be proud that I sang. I lost my center, but that’s ok, everything is ok. Lots of laughs with Wim, I’m going to miss that dude. Staring at Melissa’s legs a lot. Cooking in the kitchen, with Mark and his pleasant wife. Mark is not a Buddhist, but he respects them. I felt intense shame while trying my best to play guitar. I want to frame it differently though, I want to quantify it coz I want to pass through it. Pass through the eye of the storm, it’s so nice on the other side, I’m sure of it. Sophie is so nice, I haven’t met a girl that nice in a while. Feels like I keep holding back, but beating myself up over it doesn’t make it better, doesn’t change anything. I woke up late and missed most of breakfast. I was in a lousy mood. Wim offered to do my dishes. There are so many people here, it’s non-stop interaction, at times it gets a bit much. I took a nap today and passed out almost immediately. I feel embarrassed by my weight. A new volunteer arrived in heels. Katy the 19 year old girl stood very close to me when i did something on my phone. Marks music is a bit boring in the kitchen. Wim and I shared many laughs, he’s a good guy. He cracks me up, I’m lucky to have him here. It’s good to be random, it’s good to not make sense, it’s a way to shake it all off. Inside of me is a child that wants to be let out. It wants light and air and to be seen, but he doesn’t feel safe. He’s embarrassed and ashamed and doesn’t feel good enough, but it’s the closest to something real I’ll ever feel. Jeff is a really nice, sincere, honest dude. I like him. But I gotto be real, if I don’t care I don’t care. Life I can be tough, so confusing at times. But I’m here, I’m doing this, I’m a alive, I laugh a lot, I accept.

Day 10

23:15 The skies were gray today. Wim left for the second time and he took Thomas with him. I was having a bad day until I took a nap and did some journaling. I walked down the road by myself and sat some of the crappy but charming neighbourhood housing. I’m eating less and less and I feel great right now. All this vegan food, no meat for almost 2 weeks. I feel looser today, happy to be around Wim and Jeff, happy to talk bullshit, more in a flow. Out there the air is thick with rain air, and tents are scattered across the grass bellow me. Mark is a nice guy but I notice we all get a bit more serious when he’s around us. It’s interesting to note that. I’ve been travelling with my dick in my pocket, I made a move on one of the girls here and I plan on subtly making moves on Katy, or whatever her name is, which is kind of gross of me. I should be ashamed of myself.. but enough about me, I was just following my dick. It feels good to be here though, I’m going to miss it. I’m glad I met Wim and plan to see him when I get back to Antwerp to talk more bullshit, etc etc. ALl these interactions can get a bit much. Melissa is so serious. The energy is good here.

Day 11

00:50 Nothings wrong I don’t get it. Hootchie girl, tease, this is. It going as planned. I strummed my guitar like a beast, leaflets on the floor. Better tomorrow. This is silly. This is silly, I care and I don’t care because I do t know what the heck I’m doing. I just want to stand for something in life. That’s all she said, the importance of being strong and saying something. I’m welcome back anytime. The bird is here, on the roof, performing for god knows who. Unable to break through, because no one ever gave him permission to. That’s sad but dead, gotto get the scream out of my system. I’m glad for you but not excited, we want the same things only different. Artists inside, but vague in what we want. You’re tall, I’m tall, let’s make babies, let’s quit smoking. I lied to you actually. I’m not hurt, not going in some direction. Taking the piles a day at a time. William Prine, bathroom break. Big butt girl called Anoek, soft eyes, another girl under my belt, I feel gross about it , leaning into the fear is like leaning into the sun. we sat around a fire today, we played songs. Sophie leaned against me until our backs became uncomfortable. The smoke in my hair, the smoke in all of ours. I tried to be brave, I was brave, I sang the best I could. Now is not the time, my defence mechanism is cunning and baffling, I relate to it. I would rather have nothing that be a shaky leaf trying to ‘score’, I feel embarrassed and ashamed and I seek re-assurance. It’s ok toadman, see you at the breakfast table. DAY 13

4:00 I don’t understand what happened. Caily contacted me and told me she was raped by Mark. The American cook I liked. I don’t understand. I don’t feel much, just inklings of some confusion. I’m unable to let this idea sink in property. Raped?? Mark the guy I spent 5 days with raped a 19 year old girl?? Threatened her with a knife?? I don’t understand, this doesn’t compute with me. Caily is a wonderful person, sweet, real, authentic. She contacted me, we chatted for hours. I hope she’s ok, even though I don’t know what to feel. I tired to just keep her company, be there for her. I’m trying to think what I would do if I saw him. He might have ruined a 19 year old girls life.. she’s numb right now and traumatised. This is the world we live in. People who are innocent and real get preyed on by predators it seems. They have their innocence taken away. Caily is one of the most innocent and authentic girls I’ve ever met. So incredibly naive in a way. This man preyed on that if this really happened. I hope she’s ok. I hope she’s able to live fully again. I hope she’s able to process all this, to trust again.

Day 14 conclusions and shit

T’was a perfectly imperfect trip. The conclusion rests in the balance of: I had a really enjoyable time, I’m glad that I went there. As I sit in black shorts and shoes with holes in them on a bench in Antwerp, Orval seems pretty far away already. But it’s cool. I’m not yet sure what to make about the ending though. A girl might have been raped. I think she was raped because she’s at the police right now. On the last day we did a big clean of the kitchen, the 2nd one during my stay. Sofie was with is helping in the kitchen, chopping onions and doing a splendid job. I was tired from the night before, the third night of building a camp fire and playing sharades and some songs. We gathered the fire wood ourselves, firewood that spat and crackled and carried a few ticks. Caily was with us. We had so much fun. And Jef. Oh how I remeber that night, it was like it was yesterday, or the day before yesterday, which it was. A little sprinkler water to cool us off, we dragged Melissa through the snow, coughing and spitting and giggling like a happy school child. We did good and we did her good

#ardennes #automaticwriting #autowrite #morningpages

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pacificbaby · 7 years

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200 things

200: My crush’s name is: Dan 199: I was born in: California 198: I am really: Tired 197: My cellphone company is: Verizon (in the US), 3 (in the UK) 196: My eye color is: Brown 195: My shoe size is: 8 194: My ring size is: 6?? Maybe 7 idk 193: My height is: 5′6 192: I am allergic to: Puns 191: My 1st car was: ‘90 VW Golf 190: My 1st job was: Fruit Stand 189: Last book you read: Milk and Honey - Rupi Kaur 188: My bed is: Messy 187: My pet: Taz 186: My best friend: Corri probably 185: My favorite shampoo is: Aussie 184: Xbox or ps3: Ps4 yo 183: Piggy banks are: Defective 182: In my pockets: Nada 181: On my calendar: Essay due dates 180: Marriage is: Scary 179: Spongebob can: Fuck off 178: My mom: Dissapointing 177: The last three songs I bought were?: LOL probably adele 176: Last YouTube video watched: Garcina Cambogia weigh loss 175: How many cousins do you have?: Too many 174: Do you have any siblings?: One 173: Are your parents divorced?: Nah 172: Are you taller than your mom?: Nah 171: Do you play an instrument?: Flute, piccolo, ukelele, guitar, 170: What did you do yesterday?: Netflix Marathon [ I Believe In ] 169: Love at first sight: Yes 168: Luck: Yes 167: Fate: Yes 166: Yourself: Nah 165: Aliens: Nah 164: Heaven: Yes 163: Hell: Yes 162: God: Yes 161: Horoscopes: Yes 160: Soul mates: Yes 159: Ghosts: Yes 158: Gay Marriage: Yes 157: War: No 156: Orbs: No 155: Magic: No [ This or That ] 154: Hugs or Kisses: Hugs 153: Drunk or High: Both?? Drunk probably 152: Phone or Online: Phone 151: Red heads or Black haired: Black Hair 150: Blondes or Brunettes: Brunettes 149: Hot or cold: Cold 148: Summer or winter: Winter 147: Autumn or Spring: Autumn 146: Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate 145: Night or Day: Night 144: Oranges or Apples: Apples 143: Curly or Straight hair: Curly 142: McDonalds or Burger King: McDonalds 141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: Milk Chocolate 140: Mac or PC: Mac 139: Flip flops or high heels: Flip flops 138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: sweet and poor 137: Coke or Pepsi: coke 136: Hillary or Obama: Obama 135: Buried or cremated: Buried 134: Singing or Dancing: Singing 133: Coach or Chanel: Chanel 132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: Kat McPhee 131: Small town or Big city: Big city 130: Wal-Mart or Target: Target 129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: Ben Stiller 128: Manicure or Pedicure: Manicure 127: East Coast or West Coast: WEST COAST BEST COAST 126: Your Birthday or Christmas: Christmas 125: Chocolate or Flowers: Flowers 124: Disney or Six Flags: Six Flags 123: Yankees or Red Sox: (Giants) [ Here’s What I Think About ] 122: War: Bad 121: George Bush: Dumb 120: Gay Marriage: Should always be legal 119: The presidential election: fUCK THAT 118: Abortion: It’s a woman’s choice 117: MySpace: I never want to think about my myspace page lmao 116: Reality TV: Fake but funny 115: Parents: Shouldn’t control everything 114: Back stabbers: No second chances 113: Ebay: Mildly sketchy 112: Facebook: Everyone’s compelled to be on it 111: Work: Necessary 110: My Neighbors: Too loud 109: Gas Prices: Better than they’ve been 108: Designer Clothes: Stupid 107: College: Needed 106: Sports: Overrated 105: My family: Disappointing 104: The future: Scary [ Last time I ] 103: Hugged someone: a month ago?? 102: Last time you ate: 5 hours ago 101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: a few weeks ago 100: Cried in front of someone: A few years ago, probably 99: Went to a movie theater: Two weeks ago 98: Took a vacation: A month ago 97: Swam in a pool: Over a year ago 96: Changed a diaper: Never 95: Got my nails done: Six months ago 94: Went to a wedding: 10 years ago 93: Broke a bone: Never 92: Got a piercing: A year ago 91: Broke the law: lmao today 90: Texted: hour ago [ MISC ] 89: Who makes you laugh the most: Sara 88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: I’ve already left home, so many times 87: The last movie I saw: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: Going home and driving 85: The thing im not looking forward to: Senior Project 84: People call me: Intimidating, honest 83: The most difficult thing to do is: Open up to someone 82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: Never, but I definitely should have gotten some 81: My zodiac sign is: Scorpio 80: The first person i talked to today was: Taylor 79: First time you had a crush: 1st grade haha 78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: Taylor 77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: At dinner earlier 76: Right now I am talking to: Traci 75: What are you going to do when you grow up: Fuck if I know 74: I have/will get a job: When I get back to the US 73: Tomorrow: Must write Essay 72: Today: Netflix? 71: Next Summer: Find grown-up job 70: Next Weekend: Essay Writing 69: I have these pets: 1 Cat, 2 adoptive cats 68: The worst sound in the world: Cutting things 67: The person that makes me cry the most is: it changes 66: People that make you happy: Corri, Sara, Taylor 65: Last time I cried: Today lmao 64: My friends are: good 63: My computer is: reliable 62: My School: good 61: My Car: amazing 60: I lose all respect for people who: Cheat on their significant other. 59: The movie I cried at was: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 lol 58: Your hair color is: Brown 57: TV shows you watch: Teen Wolf, PLL, Reign, TVD, KUWTK 56: Favorite web site: youtube 55: Your dream vacation: New Zealand 54: The worst pain I was ever in was: physical or emotional? getting tattooed / when he left. 53: How do you like your steak cooked: Don’t really eat steak... well done? 52: My room is: Messy AF 51: My favorite celebrity is: Niall Horan 50: Where would you like to be: Portland 49: Do you want children: No 48: Ever been in love: No 47: Who’s your best friend: Corri, Sara 46: More guy friends or girl friends: Girls 45: One thing that makes you feel great is: Long drives 44: One person that you wish you could see right now: Dan 43: Do you have a 5 year plan: No 42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: No 41: Have you pre-named your children: Yeah, even though I don’t want them 40: Last person I got mad at: Jay 39: I would like to move to: Los Angeles / Portland / London 38: I wish I was a professional: photographer / youtuber / singer [ My Favorites ] 37: Candy: Snickers 36: Vehicle: Range Rover Evoque / Kia Soul 35: President: Obama 34: State visited: California 33: Cellphone provider: Verizon 32: Athlete: Steph Curry 31: Actor: Dylan Obrien 30: Actress: Adelaide Kane 29: Singer: Ed Sheeran 28: Band: One Direction 27: Clothing store: Torrid 26: Grocery store: Safeway 25: TV show: TVD 24: Movie: Don’t have one! 23: Website: Youtube 22: Animal: Raccoon 21: Theme park: Six Flags 20: Holiday: Forth of July 19: Sport to watch: Soccer 18: Sport to play: Tennis 17: Magazine: Rolling Stone 16: Book: Milk and Honey 15: Day of the week: Saturday 14: Beach: Trinidad State Beach 13: Concert attended: Kehlani 12: Thing to cook: Tortellini 11: Food: Pasta 10: Restaurant: Sushi Tao 9: Radio station: Live 95.5 8: Yankee candle scent: Honeysuckle and Jasmine 7: Perfume: Seduction - Victoria’s Secret 6: Flower: Cherry Blossoms / Wildflowers / Roses 5: Color: Purple 4: Talk show host: James Corden 3: Comedian: Gabriel Iglesias 2: Dog breed: Golden Retriever 1: Did you answer all these truthfully?: Yas

#about me

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welcome-to-sanjis-shitty-kitchen · 7 years

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This is why we can't have nice things Gabby. Please read if you have time, just sharing my thoughts a little.

Got assaulted by my sister over a pair of leggins, if she had just let it go i could have looked tomorrow but she had to punch me when i asked her to leave. And i did find a pair of leggins i can't remember if they're mine. So i did the only thing someone salty af would do, marked them with my initials, shoved them in her face and told her they were mine. But as my sister is the biggest failure in humanity i know she still believed they were hers. But it looks like i won for now, She acts as she owns everything in our house including the house itself, she owns 95% in our shared bathroom because she places her million of things on every available space there is and i have one tiny shelf, there's like no reason for me to have anything nice because she will take it. i'm so enclosed and store everything in my own room because sooner or later that shit will disappear. She's disgusting, annoying and the litteral worst type of person there is. So utterly selfish, stuck up, can't think for her self kind of person. And me as her sister is only good for serving her, there's so much fucking wrong and fucked up things with me because i'm not living up to her standards in what a little sister should be. Because apparantly i'm suposed to humor her and agree with everything she says...is she fucking insane? Just because i like sitting around in my underwear and play videogames and my room is "boy-ish" and i only care about essential hygene products and clothes rather then lots of lots of makeup and being a godamn fahsionista i'm not "normal". She calls herself a feminist but shoves that gender role bullshit down my fucking throat. Like different opinions doesn't even exsist in her dictionary, she is correct, she has the only will. Ofc she will think that because she only values her own opinion and can't respect anyone elses. She's like an obstinate fucking toddler and idk how to deal with this. So this scenario when mom bought her some soda, like a 2 L bottle. The one mom bought me today is 1.5 L. I would not say anything because maybe the store only had that soda, or maybe mom just grabbed one, or she didn't remember what she bought and is really tired from work and i'm just glad she didn't forget to pick that soda up from the store. But oh boy, my sister though, she would have screamed bloody murder at mom then start a fucking civil war with me because she wants half of what i have then. I'll still come out with less because she thinks she deserves more. Because it's unfair, well newsflash asshole, life aint fair. It annoys me to death how unacceptable she is of someone having more or better then her..... I don't fucking understand how she thinks, shes so stupid and overdramatic.... She has no fucking shame or compassion or humanity and it's honestly so sad that it is this way. My family is litterly the weirdest collection of selfish, racist, homophobic, biggoted cheating assholes i know and all i can say is thank fucking god i became nothing of that, thank god i don't drink, smoke, do drugs or is a garbage piece of human shit. I have a bad example of pretty much all bad there is in my closest family. I mean, i became a ball of anxiety and depression but hey thats waaaaay better then some fucking redneck biggoted asshole. My family is like a bunch of hardcore christians in a way except it's for the swedish lineage. YOU CAN ONLY BE SWEDISH IN THIS HOUSE. is basicly what my parents say aka i'm banned for speaking another language or things they don't understand or want to hear. I love my dads argument that only retarded fucking toddlers speak english. I would call that a gifted toddler u piece of shit. AHHH MAN, they hate me for being so "cultural" just because i can speak like 3 languages and some fucking latin, because i'm not interested in swedish culture. Because i'm different. Like i said different and different opinions is a bad thing here. And i'm not suprised parents don't understand anything whats going on the times and this world. Stuck in their little rutine and safe bubble of their work and home. Ofc they wont think anything different because they dont get involved with something else. As someone who invests in a lot of time on social media and see a lot of whats going on the world and different cultures and opinions, ofc i would have a broader perspective and way of seeing things. Thats not gonna change. I'm not gonna force any parents to see my way because thats a shitty thing to do. But i just wish, if someone bothered to read all this shit. No matter what, why can't parents be supportive, you don't need to understand it, you don't need be a part of it. Why can't u just tell ur own child like "ohh u wanna do that thing, well good on u! And have fun" is that too much too ask? Supportive parents could change childrens lifes, because no matter what happens you know mom and dad got ur back. So why is it that people like my parents cant even talk to their own kid unless its to relay information about something they have planned, or when they want me to do somethint. They dont ask about me, how im doing or what im thinking. It's probably been 10 years since i last trusted my mom to tell her anything i felt. And ive never talked to my dad that way unless its to defend myself for some bullshit. They cant even remember the names of my friends ive had for the past 7 years. They honestly couldnt give 2 shits about me as a person and it breaks my fucking heart having to deal with this shit. In like 90% of my conversations with my parents its either an argument or im lying trough my teeth to make it seem like im fine, that everything is fine. Because i can't trust the bastards with even my life, which why i fear for my godamn life everyday that they will get tired of me. Which is hella unfair seeming as my sister is barely employed and works like 3 months a year the last 3-4 years. For now i'm being forced to get a drivers license so i can get a job. But when i do get a job and make a decent wage im gonna move into town which litterly makes my cars useless as monthly bus card is probably cheaper then maintaining a car and paying for a parking spot and i would have to look for an apartment with a garage....no thanks..and everyday....just a parking spot at work would be like 1/3 of my salary. Because thise things aint foe free. But i guess i'm gonna be glad once i have a drivers license, even if i dont use it. But i am petty as hell that theyre gonna force it on me and not my sister. If you actually read this you deserve a godamn gold star. Or like an entire cake.

#By shivas titts this is long #i'm so sorry but i felt like ranting #not gonna lie iv'e been writing on this thing for an hour now #its 3 am and im very disapointed in humanity #at least my family #Seriously tell me if u read it #i wanna say thanks

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swearronchanel · 7 years

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Who let me watch 5.06?

I should be doing an assignment that’s due tomorrow but ya know due tomorrow means do tomorrow. Lol I know I should be ashamed to be a procrastinator but university has ruined me anyway. I’m tired from literally going to one lecture haha, but in any event I’ve been rewatching mad men for the who knows what time but I thought I’d take a break from all that and watch an episode of CtM & @flyingnonny inspired me to do a reaction post so why not? I decided on 5.06 since last Sunday’s episode reminded us of that camping trip 😂😂 here goes nothing..

*skips intro bc I’m impatient*

Cute community moment ☺️

TRIXIE😍 slaying my life

Shelagh looks so good too 😍 and Angela melting my heart!

Why is shelagh forever wearing cardigans? I like cardigans every now and then but all the time, really?

Everyone is sitting outside, Trixie is in a sleeveless dress, as is Barbara, so it has to be warm?? take it off Shelagh

She’s still my bby though even if I don’t always agree with her fashion choices

what gross vejo pinching Trixie’s ass? That’s not ok

And Babs too lmao, creepy old man, die

Shelagh saying “hello dear” aw

But this is like the only interaction between Shelagh and Trixie & that does not suffice !!

ALL I WANT IS FOR THEM TO HAVE AN ACTUAL FRIENDSHIP IDC HOW MANY TIMES IVE SAID IT I REALLY Want it😭😭💕💕 my two fav bbys

I HAVE EVEN GIVEN REASONS WHY & I CAN GIVE THEM AGAIN *** 1) Why not?? Shelagh has like no real friends besides her husband and sort of Sister Julienne?

2) just please, because I’m asking nicely 3) When Shelagh was Sister Bernadette she was often friendly/ in the gossip and conversation with the nurses & remember that one time Trixie grabbed her to come listen to Jenny’s phone conversation?

4) Trixie was the only one besides Sister Julienne to visit her in the sanatorium. That has to count for something! 5) They’ve both been on the show since day 1 & have known each other the longest (besides the nuns) why wouldn’t they be friends or least actually speak to each other?

Aye this is the lady who’s fake pregnant

Shelagh wearing earrings though >> here for it

Sorry there will be a lot of gushing over Shelagh and Trixie

And also I WANT TRIXIE’S HOOP EARRINGS SO BAD, where can I find them??

And how do I get her clothes and figure and her everything lol?

PHYLLIS ! My champion

“Would it have killed you to sit down for five minutes and eat the whole thing!” I LOVE HER, SHE IS A GEM, A HERO, A BADASS & IM NOT READY FOR SUNDAY. IM GOING TO BAWL WITH AND FOR HER

she deserves the best

I think this is the only time I’ve ever heard Trixie address Shelagh by her first name?? a prob.

They need to interact more 😭💔💕😍 I will stop saying it when I’m dead even then I’ll prob say it

Actually when I think of it no one ever calls Shelagh by her first name besides obviously Patrick? And Sister Julienne

#MoreShelaghAndTheOtherNursesInteracting2k17aka1962

And I need at least two seconds of them dotting on pregnant Shelagh

Helen looks so good like goals

“I threatened to put one man over my knee but that only encouraged him” HA IM DEAD NO KINK SHAME

I think there’s been a similar joke before but fuck it it’s still funny to me

But seriously everyone loves Trixie lol how could you not though?

Hey Pats, it’s been a while

Lol omg Tim in that uniform.. Not the best costume 😂😂

Never seen Whistle Down the Wind

But you see, Tom and Babs making out as usual, I’m not knocking it lol but this is why Sister J told her to chill when they went to South Africa😂

also lowkey jealous bc Jack Ashton is handsome af and that could’ve been me but it’s all good. He and Helen are adorable together and I’m here for it x10000

Omg I forgot this lady got assaulted

Oh shit I just remembered this is the episode where sister MC is attacked FUCK WHY DID I WATCH THIS

she can’t report it bc she’d get arrested for soliciting wtf

But remember Shelagh wore the headbands in like series 3 (so glad she stopped I was not here for it)? They must’ve gave them to Babs lol

I forgot Trixie didn’t tell the nurses about AA yet

But she looks gorgeous as ever, even with her mascara running

Lowkey nauseas looking at all that fish ugh. Funny becuase they put a grocery store that has a fish market on the block up from where I live in NYC and I hate it

I forgot about Peter lol and he was in an episode this series whoops

LIKE WHERE’S YOUR WIFE LOL, *I know, too busy for this, I don’t think she’d fit in the series anymore anyway*

Sister Mary Cynthia 😰❣️

Lol she doesn’t sing loud enough ??

Sister Julienne is so cute when she smiles but don’t forget she’s a badass

REMEMBER THE AGGRESSIVE JACKET FLAP BC OF THE IRRITATING SISTER URSULA

How did this girl hide her pregnancy though?

And did her brothers just not realize she was pregnant and the mother wasn’t?

Oh jeez my cousin was a colic-y baby and my parents kept him like 3 days a week when I was in high school & it was a nightmare. I didn’t sleep for so long

Dont get me wrong I love babies. But when they scream when I’m trying to sleep, nope. Return to sender.

Shelagh is so excited about camping it’s the purest and most adorable thing 😭😭And I like her shirt

Shelagh made Tim copy the napkin folding from a magazine, SHE IS A GEM

“We never have serviettes on a weeknight” wtf did they just not use napkins every day? I’m confused Lmaoo. What am I missing here 😂omg that reminds me of one of the times my family and I went on a cruise (2006, hella long time ago already wow?? 11 yrs yikes) and my brother & cousin were late to dinner and lied to my mom & aunt saying they were at a “napkin folding class” & my family deadass believed it up until 2 years ago😂

Shelagh’s accent is so cute. I’ve said that many times but it’s so sweet. But again why do we just have to accept she’s Scottish with no context as to how/why she came to England? Like I’m sure there were convents in Scotland. I dont even care that much I just will forever be curious as to why it seems she had no life before she got married lol? Like they don’t ever bring up the fact she was a nun, but ok maybe she feels awkward talking about it but what about before?

They’re so excited it’s so precious, protect this family 😂😭💕💕

Sister MJ is fasting lol I should try it😂

Omg another dumb story, I didn’t realize today is Ash Wednesday and was hella confused seeing some people with ash on their forehead 😂😂 I should give up something for lent but idk what, we shall see. My mom gave up carbs last year & I died bc I lived at home and ate what she cooked and almost all my fav foods are carbs😂

Shelagh referred to Patsy as Patsy, I’ve only ever heard her say Nurse Mount??

lol Tim you’re what 14? you know damn well those arent* bullet holes

at least he has some of his innocence still. I didn’t @ 14

Sometimes I forget I’m gonna be 19 this year wtf. I’ve accidentally told people I’m 16 before and had to correct myself 😂😂

Patrick is excited about this holiday, boy you don’t know what’s coming 😂

HE’S GONNA ATTACK THE LADY WITH A BABY I FORGOT THAT TOO WTF

I wanna fight him

Diane’s anemic ? Or her mum is just assuming

SHELAGH IN HER CAMPING OUTFIT!! The hair scarf and trousers !! I’m so here for it 😍😭

I want to see her in another pair!! yes lets get it 1962. Probably not likely this series but hopefully next series!! Ah can’t wait

Shit this series is almost over 💔💔 but omg 1963 gonna be lit as well?!

Like the space race started/orbiting the earth, Kennedy’s assassination .. wait never mind lol I’m thinking of American History moments. but still a lot of it was crazy world news so maybe it’s mentioned?? first bond film came out in'63, petition for Tim to go take Susan whatever from around the corner to see it since we know he liked the novels

Lots of famous films came out in ‘63 so there’s gotta be some reference.

Fun fact: I love pop culture references in period drama bc I’m lame jk I’m majoring in education (to teach history)

Old news but still relevant: Phyllis’s turn on: Rolodex systems 📇

“CRANE, as in the wading bird or industry lifting equipment, whichever you prefer” LOVE U PHYLLIS, YOU CORRECT HIM

PHYLLIS’S FACE WHEN GODFREY SUGGESTS SHE CAME OUT OF RETIREMENT, IM DEAD

“I shall consider retirement when I’m at the appropriate age” IM LAUGHING SO HARD, FUCK YEA PHYLLIS. I LOVE HER SO MUCH, LINDA BASSET IS ON THE LIST WITH LAURA AND HELEN OF PEOPLE WHO COULD PUCH ME IN THE FACE AND I’D THANK

LOL SHELAGH JUST STANDING AWKWARDLY LISTENING TO THIS CONVERSATION

“Buenos vacaciones” I NEED MORE PHYLLIS WORKING ON HER SPANISH I LOVE IT, Ella es oro.

lol the roof rack, bet it was Phyllis’s they borrowed when they moved

PHYLLIS’S FACE OF DISGUST WHEN DR GODFREY SMILES AT HER IS ME ALWAYS

LOL THE THE NURSES & SISTER WINIFRED DYING OVER PATRICK’S SHORTS (EVen though sister W “swears she’s not looking”)

I THINK THE SOCKS AND WHITE DAD SANDALS ARE MORE AMUSING 😂😂

Poor Judith💔

It’s a vicious attack Sister J! But you don’t know it yet so I get u

Here comes summer..😂

SETTING UP IN THE POURING RAIN LOL

Shelagh and Angela being adorable !!

Tim and Patrick proud that they set the tents up & boom it falls 😂 which is symbolic for me taking exams, I think I did well or at least decent on them and then I find out I failed by like 5 points

Nonnatus table scenes <3 😭

”I’ve seen more dangerous marshmallow bunnies“ lmao Pats this is a serious moment I shouldn’t laugh

Shelagh took off her glasses 😉😏 but fr how is Laura Main so perfect

Patrick put scotch in its lit, pass it over😏

Lol Shelagh drinking is a strange thought but I’m so here for it. Nuns can’t drink right? Idk. Imagine her drinking alcohol for the first time and just getting drunk 😂 we know Patrick and Tim are lightweights getting drunk off one beer so I assume shelagh would too😂

Damn it Patrick, you spilled your cup. Furthermore proving you’re a disaster 😭

LMAO SHELAGH’s “WTF” FACE WHEN SHE ASKS PATRICK WHAT HE’S THINKING ABOUT AND HE SAID THE ULCER CLINIC

LIKE C'MON PATRICK YOU KNOW WHERE SHELAGH WAS TRYNA GO WITH THAT😂

“And if you don’t mind my saying so, you’re not exactly Cliff Richards yourself” SHELAGH 😂😂 another great line of hers, love it

I love their playful banter lol we need more of that 😂 but lets be real series 6 has had some of the greatest Shelagh and Patrick moments so I can’t complain 😭😍

Peter and Barbara is such a unusual dynamic haha

“How is chummy?” Wait does Babs even know Chummy? I don’t even remember if they met tbh

But for real Shelagh did you really think Patrick would just forget about work completely ??

Lol Angela crying because she is petrified of squirrels😂😂and Shelagh running to her is so cute.

Why didn’t she just get rid of the *creepy* squirrel nutkin book? it seemed like they still had it in series 6 haha

rice pudding is I think the same as aroz con leche, lol it’s gross sorry

Diane’s water broke oh shit

the Turners all in the tent playing I spy bc it’s raining haha

I went camping for the first and last time this past summer w/ my sister in laws & her friends, it was awful 😂😂 I got like 100 mosquito bites that became welts, i literally slept in the car the second night & it was mid July fairly south of east coast aka it was humid and sticky af , there were wild horses that walked around..Thank God they brought alcohol cause it was a nightmare I don’t wanna remember 😂😂

ANGELA IS SO CUTE UGH & ANOTHER GREAT SHELAGH FACE😂

lol yes go to a hotel, should’ve done that from the get

So what exactly does Fred run? some civil defense thing?

She’s in labor and can’t even scream omg, I’m screaming

“They are often incorrect in their opinion” Sister MJ is a gem. I want someone to look at me the way Sister MJ looks at cake and the television

Phyllis yelling at Dr Godfrey😂

PATS’S FACE OF DISGUST IS ALSO ME

HOW DO THESE WOMEN GIVE BIRTH STANDING/SITTING UP?? AHHHH

There you are Beatrix, it’s been a while

Patsy being suspicious with the card game line lol. but when is Trixie going to find out about Patsy and Delia?

SHE RIPPED OUT HER WOMB?! WTF OMG IM SCREAMING

THIS HURTS TO WATCH AHH

Trixie and Sister MC to the rescue but omg this is wild I forgot

Fred wtf you can’t be sneaking up like that

DONT LEAVE SISTER MC ALONE TRIXIE

NOO, IM NOT PREPARED FOR THIS

“There are flowers on the table, and feathers in these pillows, that’s all the nature I need to get back to” I feel you Patrick lol, I like nature but not camping

Lol remember Shelagh’s old nightgown? ah I don’t miss it. The bri nylon is such a look™ & obviously has magically powers i.e this miraculous conception.

“..or they’ve been mulled to death by squirrels” IM DEAD HAHA THAT WAS A GOOD DAD JOKE, NICE ONE PATRICK

aw the baby is so precious

Why is the operating room/being in surgery called theatre in the U.K.?? and why is the doctor’s office/practice called the surgery? so many questions from a confused American..

Sister MC by the docks😭💔 she was just chillin with God and THIS HORRIBLE MAN RUINS EVERYTHING WTF UGH

Oh no

SISTER MC JUST UNCONSCIOUS ON THE DOCKS WTF IM CRYING WHY WOULD HURT HER

Patrick even if you were there she wouldn’t have called you, don’t blame urself

it’s not your arrogance sister MC!!

“don’t you even say the word fault, do you hear me, I won’t allow it” 😭💔 it’s NOT your fault sister MC 😰

I forgot how upset/hurt this episode makes me

“The worst thing is that I actually stopped to pray…” my heart hurts

You can’t even blame her for being angry😪

Judith you’re not a bad mother!! This isn’t your fault either

Sister MJ IN THE BATHROOM WITH HER😢😢💔💔 I’m c r y i n

I SAID PROTECT THEM AT ALL COSTS WHY DID THEY HURT ME LIKE THIS

Everyone so quiet at the table..

ILL FOREVER BE PROUD OF HOW BRAVE SISTER MC IS FOR SPEAKING UP FOR HER AND THE OTHER VICTIMS💖😭💔

Russian prison tats??

“I thought at first it was a test of faith, but it was a test of strength. I can bear more than I ever though I could and I can bear it for others because my strength is a gift, from him..” brb sobbing

I feel so bad for Mrs Hills bc I understand she thought she was doing the right thing and was trying to protect her daughter from the stigma & judgment from having a baby born outta wedlock 😭

But damn she almost killed her & now she can’t have any more kids

“I’m a mum, mum” Aw

lol I want children (obviously not anytime soon) but if I do Ima be shook for the rest of my life. Like my kids will be like grown & I’ll still wake up like wtf I had them? Lmaoo

SHELAGH’S GREY DRESS >>😍

Patrick jumping on the bed was cute lol

The Turners being cute and an unrealistically perfect family together as usual

Trixie 😍off to her AA💕

“I think it’s about time I came clean..”

Im so proud of her omg. She’s come so far in 6 series 😭💖💖😭

And Patsy and Delia are supportive yess👏🏼

“New truths were being spoken at Nonnatus house, but some remained concealed. While one voice rose, striving to erase its agony in song.”

Thanks Vanessa,, The End 😭

#call the midwife #lets get it 1962 #I'm too attached to this beautiful show #like TRASH for this show #my commentaries™

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heartofheir · 7 years

Note

Psst. You know why I'm here. Do eeeeet. :3c

fcuk

1,2 3 and 10 are done! :D

4: Do you find it easy to trust others?not really lmao

5: What were you doing at 11PM last night?knitting and listening to the off topic podcast

6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?my dogs and @themysteriousballetanon 7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?lie down on the floor, cry and than kick their ass8: Are you close with your dad?kinda, we are both have the same kind of humour and personality which is p cool

9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right?ye i smooch my doggos when i got bk from work last night

11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it?coffee, its got some water in it so ill be fine

12: Do you like hickeys?ye

13: What time do you go to bed?5:30am oops

14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down?ya

15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?nah im quicker with both hands ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

16: Do you always answer your texts?yea unless i forget or fall asleep

17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?Y U P

18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?yesterday; we all went to the beach it was top notch

19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?my dogs and my siblings even though they are all little shits

20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?probs something about being tired af

21: Is anyone else in the room with you?i hope not….

22: Do you believe what goes around comes around?i guess?

23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now?nope

24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?i think so

25: In the past week, have you cried?yea

26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing?maroon

27: Do people ever call you by your last name?yea a variation of it that i cant say cause i dont wanna give my last name out to the interwebs lmao

28: Is anyone ignoring you right now?possibly

29: Do you have a best friend?yea kinda

30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?nope

31: Who was your last call/text message from?my manager telling me what time i start work tomorrow

32: Are you mad at anyone?i dont get mad i just get tired™

33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you?yea

34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?21

35: How many more days until your birthday?im not doing math go away

36: Do you have any summer plans yet?nope just working alot r.i.p me

37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex?ye! :D

38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now?yup one of them doesnt even know im gay lmao

39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?ye

40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?kinda?

41: Do you think age matters in relationships?if theres a giant age gap than yea it does

42: Are you available?nope! :D

43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended?no idea my dude

44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?so many!! i wanna get an industrial, another helix ring, maybe my tongue, nipples lol, belly button and my second lot of normal ear piercings plus alot more ear ones

45: Do you believe exes can be friends?it can be awkward af but yea

46: Do you regret anything?lots of things lmao

47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?im running out of mango ice tea :(

48: Did you ever lose a best friend?yea

49: Was your last kiss a mistake?yes and no?

50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like?she already said yes! (miraculously)

51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?yep

52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed?he was an ass to me last time we spoke so no

53: What was the last thing you ate?i got one of the chefs at work to make me gnocchi it was delicious

54: Did you get any compliments today?nope but one of my new coworkers last night said i was really good at my job!! :O

55: Where are you going on your next vacation?no where so far, but one of my friends wants to go to rottnest at some point though

56: Do you own anything from other countries?ye! my auntie went to france and brought me bk a really pretty kitty mask not a furry lol

57: Are most of your friend guys or girls?i guess its even but more so guys

58: Where have you lived most of your life?i use to travel around when i was younger but now ive been in the same spot for 10 years I NEED TO L E A V E

59: When was the last time you took a long drive?i wasnt the one driving but it was when i was a babby and we drove from my hometown to perth took us 5 hours

60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?nope

61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house?nah but our house was tomatoed once

62: Who do you text the most?it changes all the time

63: What was the last movie you saw?moana! i loved it!!

64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex? i dont actually know

65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?none

66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you?nope

67: Do you curse around your parents?not on purpose it just slips out

68: Are you happy with where you live?nope

69: Picture of yourself?

70: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?im a jealous hoe so just monogamous

71: Have you ever been dumped?no

72: What do you most like about making out?i dont think a guy being like a mcfucking vacumn cleaner counts as making out so i wouldnt know

73: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?yes but again i dont think it counts as making out

74: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?i just go ‘fuck it' and do it (but only if i know they cool with it)

75: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?hands and backs, also necks

76: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?a friend i use to go to school with

77: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?nah

78: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?nope

79: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?pickup lines im a sucker for them

80: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?ye! i loves kids

81: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?yea

82: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?nope

83: Do you miss your last sweetie?fuck no

84: Last time you slow danced with someone?MCFUCKING YR 9 there was this guy who liked me since yr 7 and me and him were both in dance class at school and OF COURSE the dance teacher put us together for the slow dance performance i left dance and moved to drama cause it just got way too uncomfortable

85: Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?ye! im dating a furry from the internet

86: How can I win your heart?you already have ;0

87: What is your astrological sign?cancer! karkat

88: What were you doing last night at 12 AM?the same thing i was doing at 11pm

89: Do you cook?ye but i tend to set things on fire

90: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?ye

91: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?i dont have to wish :D

92: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?id prefer a monogamous relationship

93: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?not a clue my dude

94: Name four things that you wish you had!more garlic bread from work (we make the BEST gb), mango ice tea, unlimited wifi and a phone that can actually work

95: Are you a player?of games, yes; of people, no

96: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?nope

97: Are you a tease?ive been told i am but i dont mean to lmao

98: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?i saw @miss--kiwi yesterday at work and than she was mean 2 me even after i gave her gb :

99: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?what even is love

100: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?id date the FUCK outta @themysteriousballetanon

101: Hugs or Kisses?both! oxox

102: Are you too shy to ask someone out?normally yes but sometimes ill have a rare moment of bravery lmao

103: The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?height

104: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?may or may not be a kink for me LMAO

105: If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?fuck no

106: Do you flirt a lot?i have no idea how so sometimes ppl think im flirting when im being friendly, or think im being friendly when im flirting

107: Your last kiss?sometime in September in the back of a car with a VACUUM APPARENTLY

108: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012?nope

109: Have you kissed anyone in the past month?only my doggos cause they deserve all the kisses

110: If you could kiss anyone who would it be?my girlfriend even though im not into kissing furries :3c

111: Do you know who you’ll kiss next?my dogs and hopefully teanii

112: Does someone like you currently?i would hope my gf does

113: Do you currently have feelings for anyone?ye!! :D

114: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?flings really arent that great

115: Ever made out with just a friend?ye

116: Are you happier single or in a relationship?i thrive off affection so id prefer a relationship

117. you didnt give me a question to answer and ur asleep rn so imma use this spot to say ur a gotdamn cutie

#asks #this took me so long cause i had to leave for work lmao

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she-rules-her-own-world · 5 years

Text

Stuff I want to tell you

Idk when I will post this. So I'm gonna start labeling days. Idk if you will read this. But it's gonna be stuff that I was excited to learn.

5/31/19 (day 1)

I bought two cords today. An vga to HDMI and a VGA to display port. And the display port one works! I can plug my surface into the old af monitor!!! It worked, it was awesome!!! I was so excited to tell you that I have a cord for our surfaces to connect to old electronic stuff. :). However the VGA to HDMI cord didn't work for the switch. I'm not sure why but it wasn't. And it didn't work for my mom's computer. So that sucks :/ but whatever I will return the HDMI cord. Lol I also learned that you can't plug a VGA to HDMI converter into a computer that has a VGA port... Lmao. It shuts the computer down. It didn't shut down just mine. It shut down my dad's too.

I don't work till the evening tomorrow. But I get to go in in the morning and take photos. :). I'm excited. Lol. I get more hours at work.

I bought wine today. Arbor mist sangria and Merlot. The blackberry Merlot was really good.

My dad made me a Paracord strap for my camera. So I don't have to wrap the one around my wrist. It looks like a bracelet but it connects to the camera!! It took a lot of fanagaling to get it to work lol. But dad and I are both problem solvers so it worked out in the end!! It almost didn't.

6/1/19 day 2

I woke up yesterday at 5 not being able to breath. Like a tight chest. And it sucked. I'm having it a little bit again today. I was told that it's probably anxiety and that doesn't surprise me. I'm stressed about moving out there. Taylor said I shouldn't worry about it. However she told me that if we break up that I shouldn't move out there. I don't really have that option.

I still think that you would rather be with her than me. So I'm not looking at a very bright outcome. Woo. :(

It was ridiculously slow at work today... they told me not to come in, but if i really wanted the hours they would have found something for me to do (aka dusting... something that i shouldnt do because i like breathing) so i didnt go into work.

I started reading the man who only loved numbers. I really liked one quote from it because i thought it definitely was you.When asked how Graham had so much time for what he did he replied “There are a hundred and sixty eight hours in every week.” i like graham. I also really like Erdős lol

i dont know what to do with my time. idk who to talk to. I feel bad for messaging taylor with little stuff that i found funny ( “ When did the misfortune of birth overtake you?”) idk about being nerdy with you because you appreciate it. anybody else i feel like im bugging them... :/

I still cant post this... it would be breaching no contact... because technically it would be contact... I guess we should have clarified that... I want to post it. I want you to read it. but idk if either of those will happen before the 30th... maybe i will post it on my birthday... it will be my way of contacting you. I want to talk to you then... but idk if thats a good idea... I told taylor about me worrying about you getting back with her, and she was like i dont think that she will accept him back if he wanted to... but who knows.

I was gonna read time travelers wife and then decided that probably wouldn't be a good idea in my given situation.

I guess I should also say that I haven't been wearing the rings since Wednesday? Yeah. The first day of so called break.

Its been weird not wearing them... :/

If we come back together. I think we should start a new. But idk if that can really happen. Once I'm comfortable with somebody the only way I become uncomfortable around them is through a terrible break up. Which I'm still scared is going to happen. I'm scared you are going to go back to her. At the same time I'm scared I'm almost sure of it that you will. I'm mind washing myself so if you choose anything different i will be overjoyed. But if you choose that path i won't be devastated but understanding and probably still super sad. :(

6/2/19 (day 3)

Everytime I come on here. I hope you posted. I don't know what I want. Lol. I don't want to see you post but at the same time I do. I want to know what's going on in your mind.

Also every time i come on here I think fuck it. I will post it today. And thats been the past three days. I think I will post it on my birthday. But that is still 3 days away. I want to talk to you that day. But idk if I should... :/

We went to Midland today. I bought a beanie boo that I didn't know what it was gonna be. It was a little statuette. I was hoping for the panda. I got a monkey instead and he is adorable af. Lol.

6/3/19 day 4

I went to work today. It sucked. So many phone calls. I got to take a break and talk to Taylor for a little bit though. I love her so much.

She was telling me that her and Craig are going through a rough patch too. But they are gonna take it slower. But she doesn't know what that means and she is freaking out. Lol. But I think they are gonna be fine. I feel so bad for her. Mostly because idk how to help her.

She told me that you are doing better. But that was it. Lol she said you were vague. Which doesn't surprise me. Because you know she is gonna talk to me. It kinda worries me that you are doing better. It worries me because it makes me think that you want to go back to her. Which may not actually be the case. I told one of my coworkers part of this story and they were like she probably isn't going to want him back.. and then you would come to me and I would be second choice again. So if that were to happen. Don't tell me. I don't want to be with you if you would rather be with her. That isn't fair to me. I want you to be happy. And I know you would be happy with either of us. I keep pushing you to her. Idk what that means for me. I'm not sacrificing my own happiness for your. I'm sure I will find somebody else. But it won't be the same. Taylor jokingly said we should get together.(like Taylor and I) And I agreed lol. We are better together.

I regret how this turned out. I'm not regretting the whole thing. But the presense of me ruined a relationship. I regret that. You were happy. I regret the stepping Stones that led to this disaster. I like this disaster. But I don't think it should have happened the way it did. And that's what i regret.

6/4/19 day 5

I'm gonna post this today. Will you read it? Idk. I would hope so. But I know in posting this it will affect you in some way. I want you to know what's going on in my head during this break lol.

I made my birthday cake today. It's a summer sangria cake. I think it turned out fairly well lol.

I'm so tired and I hate it. Idk why. I'm always sleeping. I think it's because I'm bored. I colored the other day. I know you saw this. Lol. Because you liked the post. I wasn't sure that liking posts on instagram was no contact. Taylor agreed with me that it is contact. But we never really had any terms for no contact. Just for the break. Did she tell you that her and Craig are basically going through the same thing. It's crazy. But they are still talking. They are taking it slower. They don't think they love each other. (Taylor does but she isn't going to tell him). They think they rushed their relationship... Idk.

I dislike being at home. I miss the city. I miss being busy and being able to walk places... Soon enough I will be.

I don't remember if I told you but I haven't told my parents/sister in fear they are gonna talk me out of moving there... I think I told you that...

#day one #day two #day three #day four #i hate this #i miss you #im trying #i love you so much #day five

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survivor-marianas-trench · 7 years

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“Catherine” - EPISODE 3

Honestly I'm me believing Seamus when he tells me everyones voting for Shea and I end up putting some cocky ass confessional that looks absolutely dumb now because he didn't go. I'm. Just. Sad. I should've known better whew. Anyway I need a swap or something, like I need new people and ones that actually wanna form solid alliances because literally nothing is happening here and I'm too eager to just sit around...Anyway...Send help...And wish me luck.

my game consists of nothing but doing what amanda & kait tell me to do.. D: im sorry i'm a flop i've just been real busy....if i make it to merge i'll start playing then

My tribe is doing that. I survived our first tribal council, and got myself into a majority. I literally told everyone they're the only person I talk to lol I love people quitting like honestly my aesthetic is people leaving without me having to do anything. Who's next?!

So I went from winning two immunities to getting second to last! Ahaha at least I might not look like a threat! Right after rhea was announced as immune I went to working making sure I was safe I talked to rob, Amanda, rhea, kait and Emma to get Steven out! If all goes well I'll be safe and we can move on to the next challenge

Honestly this Matilda thing isn't so bad. 1, I'm in Chicago so it's hard to participate depending on the challenge. 2, as long as the vote goes as planned this time having everyone vulnerable for the next ones allows my alliance to vote out who we want. Seamus should be going tonight which makes me sad because he is really cool and awesome to talk to. But because of the reactions from last vote it's the best move. Hopefully the game changers continue to dominate. But ya never know with this game.

WHEW me getting out in the first round? I believe it. Relatable content. I'm so hungover and I don't have the patience to figure out the vote. I think it's Seamus, but I need to check in with people, but I'm also trying to not fucking vomit.

Alright so I'm kinda sad I flopped in the challenge, both winning/losing it....And now no matter what we're all vulnerable next round thanks to the lovely Matilda so everything is just lovely. On the bright side Kait told me she found the idol so Queen! As of right now I think I'm in a good spot and as far as I know the vote is between Shea and Seamus. I really want Shea to go because I trust Seamus! Like he really got screwed over last vote and I'm shocked people handled that so poorly!? Like don't make people believe something's the vote when it's not!?!? I literally thought he knew about the split but then Lily told me she didn't tell him about it and just let him vote Shea like......Why would you do that...So now I'm a bit nervous about Lily but I think I can trust her for now. That's about it for now but I'm gonna try everything I can to make sure Seamus isn't caught in the crosshairs here.

so last round these mcfucking liars of tribemates told me they were all voting shea but then voted veronica and didnt tell me :/ so i kinda had to play catch up and guilt a few of them so they wouldnt target me this week. i believe again that sheais going home this week but im p sure im getting some votes

So it sounds like shea is going tonight? Which is cool with me because he hasn't been talking to me much recently. I wasn't sure about Seamus because of how the last vote went but it seems like Seamus and I are good. I just don't want any flippers going into a merge tbh. Haha. But honestly people will flip shit will go down and we just wanna go in with the best tribe possible. Also this Matilda thing? Might actually be okay if we have the same tribes tomorrow. I'm worried we will have a tribe swap and all of the tasi people won't be able to get immunity so we will all get voted out. I'm glad I don't have to do a challenge while I'm in Chicago tho so that's good. Hopefully everything works out and I don't get too much anxiety.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9MGnRX900w&feature=youtu.be

I think I orchestrated my first vote ever and it was amazing. I got out Sam, screw him, he's the worst and I bet he didn't care about the game. Now I want Steven gone, cause... who's Steven? He seems snealy too. I think I might go too, so I'm not cocky.

I hate everyone still. This tribe is boring AF. Rob goes and tells everyone last night about his plan to vote Steven this vote, which is fine by me bc I didn't even know there was a Steven on our tribe!!!!! However like Darian and Amandie (they will be referred to as that from here on out) came to me about it also after. So okay Rob I see you leaving me out until TODAY!!!' Freak. Anyways, I'm fine with him thinking he's some kind of kingpin for now til I decide I'm tired of doing what I'm told hehehe

So I won immunity!! https://media2.giphy.com/media/1ofR3QioNy264/200.webp#4 I can't believe I actually won an immunity! And so, here I am just like, https://media4.giphy.com/media/qGmYKpdCVoXu0/200.webp#8 I don't like that Darian is calling all the shots! https://media.giphy.com/media/vouHgfse1v7cA/giphy.gif I want him to go soon, but I forsee him easily making the merge which scares me.

I CAN FINALLY VOTE!!!!! London Tipton voice "YAY ME" *clap clap*

So I go to do the deep challenger thing and....they say get past level 4 on what's inside the box. I was like okay, but then I realize, I played this game literally yesterday for fun and I was like oh okay, and then I realize I chose some pussy shit lol

From what I can tell...The plan is to leave Kelsey out of the loop which is so stupid. I don't know why these people want to ostracize so many people from votes like they did it with Seamus last vote with no valid reason!?!? I know Kelsey felt sympathy for Shea last vote which is making people nervous so that makes a little bit more sense but like...I just don't feel comfortable leaving people out of the loop? Ugh. This is just too much.

Okay so my confessionals have sucked and I'm sorry. Lily, Liana, Dan, and I are all in an alliance and we've decided who's getting voted out every round and this time we'e going for Shea. Last time he got wind that his name was being thrown out there even though it was the decoy name and he went OFF!! LIKE HE WAS CRAZY FREAKING OUT AT EVERYONE! And during the first vote he was throwing out EVERYONE'S name! He threw out mine, Christine's, and Carson's and those are just the ones that I heard about. Who knows who else he was saying. So his messy ass has got to go. I think we might be swapping soon and I don't want to get stuck with someone who's going to throw me under the bus the first second they get to save themselves. So I also got to go to that Challenger Deep thing. IT FUCKING SUCKED! I HATED IT! I picked level 25 because I think hey that's pretty deep and the deeper you go the harder the challenge but the bigger prize! TOO BAD THE PRIZES WAS A FUCKING PUNISHMENT! Now no one from my tribe can compete in the immunity challenge next time and I feel awful. If we stay in these tribes then it'll make it easier to just vote out Kelsey but if it's a swap we're all fucked because of it.

I....Might've caved and told Kelsey the plan. If this backfires.....I'm dead. I just felt so bad like Kelsey didn't deserve to be left out, you know? Don't let me down Kelsey, don't let me down.

Im just doing this so I dont get a strike

Girl. Hold my hair...this week was too much. Coming off of Veronica's elimination, I was feeling so good for Shea and I. It seemed like we have finally found some leverage in the competition and I was ready to run with it. However, when I checked in today and saw a severe lack of people wanting to talk strategy, I knew something was up. Winning immunity was amazing and I don't regret that for a second but I think it softened my reaction time a little bit. I think the biggest challenge for me in this game is actually pushing myself out there. I'm usually very confident in my facade of being a harmless player letting me be subtle in my moves but I don't think that's the case at all anymore. If you don't speak up, you're outspoken and...that showed this week. It's a deadly balance that you have to find and on the tribe this week, it just didn't work for me. Originally, Shea wanted to do Seamus but lil' ol me thought we could get out another person who's a threat such as Liana since Seamus still makes an effort to talk to me. When it came to the votes and convincing others...not many people wanted to strategize with me and that was a definite problem. The only people who kept it real with me- or shall I say person- was Catherine. (Host Note: Whom??) THAT is something I appreciate more than anything. I thought that Lily would but unfortunately she was "out" the whole day. Girl...get a grip. Catherine (???) would definitely be the only person I cling to in the competition IF we were still together but...we. Merged. DEAR JESUS AND LORD ABOVE, THANK THE HEAVENS!!! I know I'm not going to be able to win immunity, but at this point, I could care less. This is definitely something that came at just the right time. I was at the bottom of my tribe and I know a few people are still going to be coming after me, especially coming off of my immunity win. However, I'm giving this week everything that I've got. While I doubt more and more I was the real mastermind of eliminating Veronica, the reason why I was prominent in that elimination was because I was bold. Not aggressive, just bold. I think if I can harness that quality again, I can breakthrough another one. Tasi is OVER, darling. Liana is already fuming despite her attempts to cover it up. There are people from Tasi that I bet will never talk to me again now that we're merged. Everything I want, I've definitely got to work myself for. Basically, it's what I expected it to be being a new player; it's me working for myself now. Now's the part where veterans who know each other and people with connections outside of this game start linking back up. It's up to me to start really wedging myself in. I want to give people a reason to vote out anyone BUT me. And at this point, now that Shea's gone, I'm going Open Season on all of these hookers. Miracles are hard to do, but if I did it once, I can do it again. I REALLY want to show these people what I can do. I came to slash throats, save my family and wear ugg boots. And if I have to do it from scratch? Christina, bring me the axe; NAAAAAOOO!!!! Wish me luck! Sincerely, Canada's Self Proclaimed Favourite; Kelsey Mikaelson~!

#deeperdarkerdanger

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