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lil-goddess · 1 year

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i don't take nearly as many photos as i used to thx to my body dysmorphia and self image issues. one day ill look at myself and think im a bad bitch, and then ill look at myself again and think, "wow im so ugly. im gonna kms"

i felt like the latter for almost 2 years now bc i was on abilify. i was literally a zombie, a husk of my former self. friends and family of mine were concerned and constantly told me i needed to change meds thru my psychiatrist, but i refused because i was afraid of going into my manic and psychotic episodes bc i hurt so many people that way in 2020 during the holidays. my own brother and my ex said they'd rather see my going off the rails than act be a meek, timid, quiet person, bc it wasnt me. the one thing i miss about that personality tho was that my thoughts were quiet. i didn't have the racing thoughts like before, which drove me into insanity and having outbursts to those around me.

well, i stopped taking abilify a while ago and my psychiatrist got me on effexor instead. after 2 months, i started getting manic and bc my dumbass forgot to take my doses and was taking 2 at a time (like I'd do with my birth control) and i got yelled at by my mom and my psychiatrist after informing them bc that's what caused my lack of sleep, night sweats, and manic episodes.

so she explained that im going to get off the effexor slowly so i don't get any severe side effects from stopping cold turkey and prescribed me to lamotragine (i call it lamos for short because they're fucking lame. i have to take it twice a day jfc)

and it's been about a month since ive been on them. i took them in the past, but i can't recall how well it worked thx to my depression suppressing my memories. not to mention i was smoking a fuck ton of weed. my psychiatrist mentioned that in order for my meds to work properly, i would need to stop smoking weed (thc specifically) and switch to cbd to help calm myself. i didn't start taking her advice until about a week before my next appointment with her.

so i guess it's been like a monthish since ive smoked my pen and flower. i can already see an improvement in how well i retain information and remembering things i knew from when i was a kid. im still an airhead, but i always was tho. i was definitely booksmart, i always loved to read and enjoyed English class when i was in school.

now that im 25 and i live in one of the most highly sex trafficked cities in the world. im more street smart now. i check under my car if anyone is waiting to slash my ankles, i check my backseat of my car, i look behind and around me if im walking by myself (day or night).

i live on the east side of my town and it's mainly known for the suburban life, but it's very close to the north and southeast side, where the crime rate is so high. gun shots are always heard, rape, murder, etc is constantly happening.

ive never felt safe in this city. especially as a kid, almost everyday when i would walk to my bus or walk home from my bus stop, there were fucking creeps (well within their late 20s sometimes even in their 40s) that would honk their horn at me and whistle.

well as an adult now, it doesn't happen nearly as much anymore since i mainly drive for my main source of transportation.

but it still hasn't stopped. i still get cat called while im doing my errands and i remember the night after i got home on my very first date with a GIRL (i knew her from 6th grade and she was probably the first girl ive ever had a crush on and i didn't see her after that bc she got expelled and i saw her again most recently after like 10+ yrs) there were 2 men in a white truck and they saw me get out of my car in my driveway. the driver made a complete stop and i saw them staring at me with my brother by my side. i clearly told them from across the street to "take a fucking picture, it'll last longer" and they drove off and i went inside. i felt so uncomfortable after that. i had the realization that those creeps know where i live and can break into my home and do what they want. i should've gotten their license plate but i didn't think to at that moment.

every year goes by with the hopes that it gets better, but it doesn't. it gets worse. and i think to myself, "wow that was the worst year of my life." and then the next year comes and im proven wrong. it gets even more worse.

im going back to school to get a license in cosmetology and it's literally high school all over again. ive gotten into arguments with multiple girls in my class room due to their pettiness, cattiness, racism, or homophobia.

all the girls in my class either hate me, ignore me, or keep their distance bc of my manic episodes.

so bc i dont really get along with them, ive managed to make new friends with the girls in the more advanced class. it's like me, a freshman, befriending the juniors/seniors. they're all due to graduate in about a month so i will be left by myself again. this is literally history repeating itself and im doomed unless if i break the cycle.

tl;dr

im a depressed bitch that's bipolar and have bpd. im going to school to have purpose in life in hopes that i will become successful and move out of my abusive childhood home. i don't feel safe in the city i live. i don't feel like i belong anywhere.

#me #private #i just wrote a novel #wow that's embarrassing #i can't believe I've been on here since i was like 12 #and i never left #i love this place #it's home #if u read everything and the tags too wyd #my old username was slursandramblings #i should go back to that name #i miss it

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renjuseyo · 3 years

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Prompt game!!!!

Can you do 1 and 5 of the fluff prompts with Mingyu and male reader

IM ALWAYS SUPPORTING 💙

pairing: kim mingyu / reader (male)

1 - “you know we’re meant to be.”

5 - “wow. you look stunning.”

prompt game: closed

"did you wait long?"

mingyu lifts his head from his phone before giving you a flirty smile. "wow. you look stunning."

taking in your outfit, you note that you're wearing a casual black tee with a pair of sweats and dirty vans. if mingyu thought that was stunning, he obviously had bad taste in clothes. "stunning wouldn't be the word i'd use."

he laughs, standing up from the bench and throwing an arm over your shoulder. you've grown used to his touchy tendencies, although you are aware you're the only person he's this outwardly affectionate with. "but you're stunning all of the time."

kim mingyu is a rather interesting character. you don't have many friends, and he just happens to be your sole opposite. you're not really sure how it happened, but one day, he materialized beside you with that wide, toothy grin, dead set on wooing you, and you just went with it.

you're unsure why he's so interested in you. you don't think you're anything special, and you certainly don't think you're worth anyone's time. it's not for self-deprecating reasons, but rather people would be more interested in easygoing people that light up the room than a boorish, aloof guy who enjoys solitude like you.

apparently, mingyu never got the memo.

which is why you two are now in an amusement park, courtesy of mingyu, trying out several activities and rides. after losing to him in a bet, you had begrudgingly gone on a date (his words, not yours) with him. at first, you were afraid that things would go awry, but you're pleasantly surprised to have enjoyed your day to the fullest, dragging him to all of the rides and games, while he dragged you to all of the food carts and photo booths.

(seeing mingyu's eyes light up at the sight of food was cute, although you'd never outwardly admit it.)

after riding the merry-go-round (seeing how it was the only tame ride that mingyu was willing to ride), you two make your way towards a hot dog stand beside the other food carts. you're in the middle of teasing mingyu for some funny episodes that had occurred earlier, like when a nine-year-old absolutely demolished him at go karts, when it's finally your turn in line. once you both make your order, mingyu pays for you two after much pestering on his part.

you're about to turn around and get out of line when you hear the vendor absentmindedly comment, "you two make such a cute couple!" your head nearly falls off from how fast you turn around, eyes as wide as saucers. the vendor doesn't seem to notice your shock, continuing, "i hope you two enjoy the rest of your day!"

to say mingyu is smug is an understatement. he wears that shit-eating grin so proudly, draping an arm around your shoulder and pulling you close. "thank you!" he thanks, dragging you away.

"what do you mean thank you? we're not even a couple," you hiss, glaring at him. what does he even gain from lying?

"we can be," mingyu corrects. his grin spreads, resembling the cheshire cat's. "i really do mean it when i say i like you. and i'm not blind, (name). i know that even if you call me names and tease me, you like me to a certain degree. why else would you let me hang around you and use pickup lines on you, when you would immediately swing at one of your friends from doing the same thing?" you silently glare at him, although you can't refute. he continues, "you know we're meant to be. even a stranger can tell."

you're silently contemplating his words, unsure of what to say. but either mingyu's telepathic or scarily good at reading you, because he adds, "don't feel pressured to giving me an answer immediately. just know that my feelings and the way i treat you won't change, and i'll stay by your side, no matter."

#seventeen #seventeen hip hop unit #kpop #seventeen x reader #seventeen x male reader #mingyu #kim mingyu #mingyu x reader #mingyu x male reader #renjuseyo : seventeen #renjuseyo : prompts

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