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#im gonna hold to it
inkskinned · 2 months
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yesterday while feverish i wrote about how boats can moor next to each other like pigeons, cooing with the gentle rap of water against their hull. you once said that that the way i see things - birds in the water, feathers in marina paint - was "childish and naive." you said i'd been misdiagnosed - "it can't all be adhd. you might be just kind of stupid and lazy."
i still do certain things like how you taught me - turn the pillow case inside out before putting it on. drive defensively. hate myself entirely.
the prompt for this poem is "mahler's fifth." i wish it wasn't, but mahler's fifth was our song. it ended up in my book. every person that knows your name has promised me they'll give you one swift rabbit punch, right to the face. dean read the book and showed up on my front porch, drenched in sweat from running the 8 miles at 4 in the morning. he was shaking. pacifist and gentle - he works with children - i'd never seen him furious. a punch isn't going to do it, he said, and then said i'm sorry. i had to come to see if you were okay.
mahler's fifth was mine first, like my girlhood. i like the way each movement piles onto the next movement, each instrument bleeding into the next. i like the horn version the best. before i met you, i danced to it on grass still-wet from sprinklers.
later you would tell me that the way you heard it was somehow better. you understood something in it that i couldn't quite wrap my fingers into. once, on our anniversary, you asked the classical music radio station to play it for us. we missed hearing it because we were fighting. one of the things people get wrong about abuse is that sometimes victims are, like, brutally aware of the stupidity of our situation. what do you mean that you thought i wasn't good enough for you? you? you're just... nothing.
sometimes people can pull the poetry out of your life. i watched my words become clothesline, and then thin out into kite twine. i watched you chew through every good syllable of me. so many good songs and places and moments were ruined. i am glad you didn't like most of my music - less to tie back to you.
but still mahler's fifth. the music swells, and i am 21 and throwing up in a bathroom on my birthday. a woman i will later refer to as lesbian jesus runs a cool hand down my back, her perfect pantsuit starch-pressed. she told me to leave you. she said - and this is true, and not an invention of rhyme or fantasy - i'm you from the future.
i am 22, and i got home from an award ceremony, and i remember you telling me - you act so proud of yourself when you're actually so fucking embarrassing. i took you to disney world. you took my virginity. i gave up visiting spain for a week with my family - i instead choose you, to spend the time just-cuddling. you called it "our fuck week." the music swells. it probably should have been a red flag that for about 3 years - i just gave up on crying. my grandfather died and you said nothing. my uncle died and you ghosted me for 3 weeks. you said i need to protect myself from your ongoing tragedy.
every so often i come back to the memory of one of our last afternoons in person. i had just told you that i wasn't going to law school, despite the free ride - i was going to join a creative writing program. master's in fine arts. i was going to finally do it - i was going to follow my dreams. this blog was already internet-famous. however reluctantly, i would occasionally refer to myself as a poet. i got into umass amherst's writing program for fiction authors. it is one of the the top 5 programs in the country.
wait are you seriously considering actually attending that? dumbfounded, you turned completely towards me in your seat. for the 3rd time in our relationship, you almost crashed the car. you actually want to be a writer?
the first time i went viral, it was for a poem i wrote about you:
he wants to say i love you but keeps it to goodnight because love will take some falling and she's afraid of heights.
every time i see that, i want to throw up. you weren't in love with me, you were in love with the control you had over me. a little truth though: i am afraid of heights. you caught a rabbitgirl and skinned her alive.
mahler's fifth still makes me sick.
give me that back. give me back music. give me back everything i had before you. give me back fearlessness. give me back bravery. give me back a scarless body.
give me back what you took from me.
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cant-ra · 9 months
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idolomantises · 1 month
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There's a pretty popular artist on here that once tried to steal my OCs because they were mad at me. every once in a while i see them and i'll think "oh yeah, thats the guy who tried to split up my lesbian couple and pair one of them up with her brother in law. Weird"
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swervesfirstblaster · 8 months
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DAD WAVE AND DAUGTHER RAVAGE U WILL ALWAYS BE REMEMBERED
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heartorbit · 2 months
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always by your side
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arunneronthird · 11 months
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okay fine i can deal with damian being a weeb but he'll be one on MY TERMS
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your-turn-to-role · 1 year
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moment of appreciation again for what is possibly my favourite later game percy quote that everyone always forgets about
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(said to vex, of course)
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doodlerh · 8 months
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bye-bye buddy 🥺
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lynaferns · 7 months
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My DCA design updated + Eclipse
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Separated ver. + comentary under the cut
Not quite content with eclipses end result but eh, idk if I'll draw eclipse much so...
I've been wanting for a while to update my refs for my designs of them. The old ones got... old. It's funny how I simplificated some aspects of their designs in order to complicated others haha.
ngl I got tired at some point and just wanted to finish
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nerdpoe · 6 months
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AU where the first time Zuko fights Aang on the ship when the Avatar's escaping, Aang accidentally energy bends Zuko.
Zuko is no longer a Fire Bender.
Zuko is now an Air Bender.
Zuko is also Freaking The Fuck Out, and so is Aang.
"Change it back, change it back!"
"I don't know how! I don't know what I did!"
"Then learn! Fix this!"
Meanwhile, Iroh is internally screaming because yeah, this is a death sentence for his nephew.
Sokka and Katara are just. Hanging out. Staring at each other and then the crew.
Everyone's confused. The crew just...slowly edging away to get back to steering the ship and laze around and stuff.
Katara knows it's a weird Avatar thing Aang did.
Sokka has now formulated a conspiracy theory that Zuko was only pretending to bend Fire the entire time.
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oifaaa · 2 months
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You ever get those ongoing multi chapter fics that you love reading so much that when you finally catch up to the newest chapter you read it extra slow like maybe if I take my time the author might update while I'm reading this chapter
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aroaceleovaldez · 1 month
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one of my favorite headcanons about Nico getting his ears pierced is that he totally idolized Thalia as well for the like .2 minutes they hung out in TTC cause he thought her style was cool. And Thalia, because she hated the Hunt at the time and was mildly pissed off at Bianca for joining them and knew Nico was as well, and also partially to distract him for a bit so he'd leave everyone alone, went "Hey kid wanna see something cool?" and just pierced his ears for him.
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dickpuncher420 · 3 months
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why doesnt anybody ever talk abt how much more expensive books have gotten just in like. the past 10 years. paperbacks regularly cost like more than 20$ now and i just saw a hardcover for almost 40!!! when i was a kid paperbacks were at Most 12$ and hardcovers were like 20$ max. what the hell has happened. what is the world coming to
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pancakemolybdenum · 3 months
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watching die hard
happy holidays!
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reallilystuff · 1 month
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dogpile!!!
alt version below readmore ooo spooky
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they sleebgy......
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spearxwind · 2 years
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What the fuck is this emoji
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