#im gonna spiral again if i think about it

[httpiastri]

.

#just wanted to post that ask abt pauls mom so not more ppl send it in thinking no one else did <33 hehe #but just wanted to say that im gonna be taking a little break from here #just a few days maybe a week or a lil more #going through some really exhausting things irl and everything is just making me overly sensitive rn #so im just trying to not go crazy heh and tumblr always has a way of making me spiral even more #though it's kinda hard bcs reading everyone's messages and asks always gives me so much energy #so i might come in just to read asks and then disappear again ahah #so thankful for you all <333 i'll be back soon !!! #going to be thinking a lot about pepe to not go crazy #especially 🎀 anons latest ask #nearly made me cry istg #okay im really going now #bye for now! #(deleting this when i come back)(or earlier idk)

[thorninyourpaw]

if i knew there was gonna be that much drama over giving a guy a little peck as a joke at a party bcse people said we seemed like we were gonna kiss i shouldve asked him if he wanted to make out sloppy style

#like ok tw here for mention of s/a but its crazy that that cute lil thing spiralled into me being forcefed alcohol and being taken advantage #of like i think a month later because the guy who did it to me was angry i kissed that guy at the party #now tell me how that makes sense. and hes been saying a lot of shit about it online basically saying im lying #without mentioning my name. what a pussy tbh. anyway im gonna kiss the party guy (good guy i love him) again mark me words

[barkingangelbaby]

dude...

#if I don't stop hyperfixating on my breathing... like... idfk how much longer i can live like this... #it's been happening since last august snd I'm so tired of it..... #it's not even only when I'm high anymore it's like... all the time #i just like.. stop automatically breathing once i think about it and it takes me *so* *fucking* *long* to start again #honestly I'm just typing this post to distract myself a bit and hopefully i just start breathing normally again but I'm still manually #breathing rn. and now im wondering what the normal amount of time in between breaths is and if I'm taking too long ?? #i tried to time my breaths with N's but she's asleep so i know it's gonna be different than mine #hoooo boy wish me luck falling asleep this is so annoying!!!! #is this ocd??? I've had several ppl in the past year tell me they think I have it but thinking about it makes me spiral #but it would explain A Lot of my thoughts n habits #anyway. I'm very annoyed with myself rn i just want to breathe normally and not worry myself into panic attacks anymore #actually very worried about how bad my stress in general has been bc there's no way it's been good for my body #ok. time to snuggle up n try to fall asleep!! im v cold rn so i have to warm up before i hug N bc i don't want to wake her with my ice cold #skin lmao. i can't wait for it to be warmer so i don't have to worry/feel bad about that lol #OKAY BBYYYYEEE if you read these tags I'm so very sorry. #rAMbles

[possiblytracker]

damn. i really thought i already had the "youre probably never going to see any of your uni friends again after you move out this really and truly is the end of the most vibrant and healthy irl social life youve ever had. and likely will ever have again" breakdown done and shelved but i spent today hanging out with a few friends from my course who are leaving this week to say goodbye and i dont. know how to process it completely. im trying to make the most of everything while im still here but every interaction feels so bittersweet it's genuinely gnawing at me

#vent/ #this is probably not the last time i will have this crisis either. right up til graduation. itll keep happening over and over again #i had a miserable social record all through secondary school im not exaggerating when i say university literally taught me how to #make friends and open up to people in places that werent the internet (or having it pried out of me by more enthusiastic people) #and now its like. ah. right. thats over. where do i go from here. #late june through early august is gonna be completely fine i just need to not lose my mind until then #but after that.. well i am not having a great time thinking about it #living on my own seems miserable but i dont know anyone in This country well enough to make roommate plans #and. well i will stop here before i talk myself into a spiral but man. this is why my social energy is still through the floor #i love my online friends to death but the past few years have taught me everything is so much better with a varied diet as it were #i will not Die if i have to go back to 24/7 discord recluse im very grateful to have good friends in my puter #but god. i will miss Seeing people. very very badly #im sorry i know not responding to messages seems counterproductive rn but. idk i have a lot of wires crossed;; #ill work it out eventually #im the cheetah threatening to go insane in captivity i need someone to put one of those dogs in my enclosure/j

[tiredstressedemotionalmess]

i really really hate that even after so many fucking years anytime i feel anxious or upset or really any negative emotion my gut instinct is still to pray

#like rn im worried im gonna get sick bc my little brother is and my dad's staring to feel sick too #and every time i think abt it gor more than a few seconds my brain is like “dear god please dont let me get sick” without me even telling #myself to think that and i just. i hate it all it does is send me further down the spiral of Thinking About It #and i hate it because thats what i was told would help for years and and i never fucking did #and im not trying to sound like a bitter edge lord or whatever the fuck i just. i dont know i just feel gross about it #maybe if i didnt thunk of it as praying it would help more. i dunno what it is but praying just sound so... #i dont know. i dont know i dont know #i just really cannyget sick right now and i am so fucking stressed and i hate that i feel like im talking to no one #but then again ive always been talking to no one so

[ouchhq]

so yesterday i called the mental health center to set an appointment with a psychiatrist and they said the earliest spot is on march 5th.. so thats what i got. i cried a bit because idk how im gonna make it to march 5th tbh

#yesterday was a decent day like my mood wasnt too low and days like that i can manage.. but what am i gonna do as soon as it gets worse #again? just the other day i was thinking how i cant do it without some external help.. i literally cant handle anything #everything sends me into a spiral. either of overwhelming anxiety or of self loathing and horrible thoughts #i am thinking of going privately.. even though im not excited about paying 5 times the amount id pay through natonal healtchare #but hey whatever

[weenhands]

.

#vent #i havent really been able to sob in awhile and i think tonight was just another breaking point #im so emotionally numb and devoid of emotions so i end up really sobbing every few weeks #when normally i would be crying almost everyday if i could properly respond to the hell i feel like im experiencing all the time #idk. i sort of spiralled and i ended up thinking about what it would be like to just cry in my moms embrace #and maybe not even actually say word for word how i feel #im trying to just cry quietly so my parents dont hear but in my head my mom knows why and she understands and shes holding me and telling me #its going to be okay.....i dont trust her with anything but i just wish i had her reassurance specifically. #ive been off these past few years to them because of how bad my anxiety and depression have been #and i think i find comfort in giving my parents that closure of whats really going on....while also having them hold and protect me #like they used too #i switch my stuffed animals to hold depending on my current situation and mom gave me this stuffed animal to hold when i just Want her #she gave it to me randomly and i havent felt so bad where i had to reach for him in probably years #so im just holding him now. i dont wanna put my other one that i was holding before in the box of my other stuffies #cause im not used to seeing him there yet idk hes used to the bed #im probably gonna delete this soon cause just writing all of this down sorta calmed me down #im just really sick of my head and i feel like im thinking really bad thoughts again

[skunkes]

promise im not bringing it up just to beat a dead horse or be evil but

thinking about how some time ago someone I followed on here went on a rant about "What Makes Art Ugly" and asked for people to tell them why exactly they thought rcd/arts art was "bad", lots of people gave valid responses but none seemed to like, sate them + their view of "No Art is Bad Ever"

anyway what I conjured up as an answer was that they seemed to misapply stylization/art "rules", the best example I can think of is in the way they used the "curved lines vs straight lines" to draw arms...they had that Idea in mind, + its a good guideline, but it doesnt automatically mean a shape looks good because you draw it with curves and straight lines

What I'm getting at here is I Sort of Feel Like Dis! Idk. I dont like the way I stylize stuff and I feel like everything I draw is misapplied rules...or like I'm Almost There but im just not getting it for some reason or another...or maybe my brain refuses to let go of what things Should look like in favor of having fun...or even that everyone has figured it out but me and im just Very Stupid (because I Am). idk.

i feel it all just looks like some awfully frankensteined mess! Wish it was more cohesive wish it was more Iconic (as in literally, Icon-ic. Stylization by icon) but no I dont, i just wish I could master the organic vs iconic balance i like...but its hawrd...i dont have anyone to study off of with my goals in mind and present...+ ive always been really bad at just coming up with a brand new thing myself...idk...i just want my stuff to look good to me...and not so rigid and misapplied, Not Quite There! junk...wah...

#so badly wish i had someone to cheat off of LOL ykwim? i of course steal aspects from the greats and my peers #but it isnt enough. but then it also feels so rotten‚ y'know. to know that my art is Ruined once I add my own flair to it #once i add My Preferences to da soup of good art style aspects ive taken over the years it goes bad...wah... #urghhhh #im sorry‚ this year has been so stressful and with so much happening already i think its gonna be Bad for me #and like. of course that means. spiraling again. but id been doing a good job of not venting about this so much anymore #so im gonna keep doing that...! just had a Moment. i rlly dont like it at all. it lacks anything Good #its missing something big and i cant find it. or maybe it's not thats its missjng something it just has too much Cheye to be good #talkys

[biolums]

why not mewhynot me whynotme whynotMEwhy Not Mewhy not me whynot me whynotme Whynot me WHYNOTME why not me. why not me

#irls please dont read this. sorry #im so overwhelmed rn. and i fucking feel like im going to die #like yes we all know im soooo unlovable that nothing new but god. i just want to be intimate and have someone be my safe space again #i KNOW its unhealthy and its not like its ever gonna happen again. but its all i can fucking dream of #i wwnt to be all someone thinks about just like how i always think about them. maybe i just want to be equals in a relationship. because #CLEARLY my last relationship i was the only one feeling anything!! and CLEARLY I PUT ALL THE FUCKING WORK IN AND I LOVED SO HARD. AND #IT WASNT EGEN AN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP IT WAS THE HEALTHIEST ONE IVE EVER BEEN IN. BUT IM STILL TOO MUCH 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 #even now i cant think about that too much because i literally think were soulmates. and its Too Upsetting to think about that #when she broke up with me and said ‘i had a lot of fun with you’. we dated for 11 months. you met my family. donyou know how mucch ghat #CRUSHED me #i was doing so well. and i was having healthy relationship thoughts! and i was telling myself that i was just insecure those last few weeks. #and then i fucking spiraled OF COURSE I SPIRALLED. #hahahahahaha im not even talking about the other thing i think ill really kill myself if i think out that at all #whatever i dont even have time to be having a breakdown right now!! haha hahahaah i literally cant imagine making it to the end of this week #jace.txt

[hgduo]

i hope you don’t mind me rambling in your inbox!! no pressure to respond <3 but your c!q manberg takes are so true…. im an avid manberg-era lover almost Exclusively because of big q because. he just cares so much. he proved again and again that he put manberg first in his mind but he tried his best to keep the people he loved too and i really do think he wanted schlatt to work out up until the white house!! he just doesn’t give up on anything easily you know

he wasn’t there for l’manberg’s establishment he didn’t experience any of the highs and lows of the war or develop bonds during it but he still Cared :( he tried to protect tubbo from schlatt even though he was just as scared of what schlatt might do as everyone else (if not more), he stuck by wilbur in pogtopia even though he knew wilbur was just getting worse, n he stuck by schlatt up until the white house where schlatt proved irrefutably that he really didn’t care abt what quackity wanted at all, and even worse, he didn’t care about what was best for manberg, and that was just the straw that broke the camels back, u know

like. he’s not stupid. quackity even before the butcher army could be scathing and analytical and he is at heart a politician in the same way wilbur is (which is smth wilbur actively acknowledges), he knew what schlatt was doing was fucked but he also tried to hold onto the hope that he could maybe fix it. and when he realised that it wasn’t going to happen— that he truly didn’t marry the man he thought he did— he took immediate action. a naive person’s first course of action upon being disillusioned isn’t Murder— that’s the sort of thing only someone who’s angry and bitter and Sick Of This Shit does!!

like. hope is not something that comes easy to quackity because there’s no reason for him to have it! hope is a thing he claws his way to with bloodied and bandaged hands and no safety net beneath him and it’s never worth it, not really. and he hopes less, now, but you can still see it, in how he fosters his relationships with tommy and slime and keeps the wedding chapel in las nevadas even though there’s no one around to use it. and yet still, hope, always and despite and because.

anyways stan c!quackity i guess *holds him gently like burger*

No feel free to ramble- you get it so much!!! I love his character so much and I feel Manberg showcases so many of his traits so well- He's keen and driven but he's also an emotional- at times even reactionary fellow who cares a lot and it's so clear in so many of his actions good and bad- it makes what happens to him in Manberg hurt so much more, he wanted to make it work so much... Like he wasn't super naïve but he just wanted to be a part of L'manburg, genuinely, he loved that place! And he wanted to be a part of it, to call it home! But all he got was empty promises, a figure-head title that meant nothing, and a fucked up damaged sense of self-esteem curtesy of the man he thought he was gonna have a future with- he tried to bear it and keep on pushing forward but eventually he just couldn't take it anymore, because Schlatt did not feel the same as him and that could not be changed as much as he wished otherwise.

Post-Manberg c!Q survived with a lot of his traits still mostly in tact, he's still a very clever politician type, still very active and always moving and spends as much time doing as he does planning and thinking, and as much as he tries to pretend otherwise he is still very much a man who cares about so much especially those close to him! But despite these consistencies there is something about c!Q in New L'manberg that is just different then the c!Q during Manberg, colder.

There was a bright optimistic spark that died with Manberg I feel, died in that White House perhaps... you don't survive what he went through without losing that, and that spark will never come back. I think he can heal, and I believe he will get a happy ending of some sort where he's able to be successful and happy with himself and a home- but he's never gonna be who he was before Manberg. Maybe c!Quackity views that as a lesson, but I think it's more of a tragedy...

But like you said though, while that optimism may be gone it's that love in him that seems to be unable to be snuffed out, he tells himself 'Las Nevadas' has no place for emotions' and yet we see how much he still cares for Tommy and Slime and Tubbo- It's just so intrinsic to who he is! Even when the world's against him he's still gonna fight- because he cares and that's all that matters! It's gotten him hurt before and lead him down the wrong path at times, but it's also his biggest redeeming and most important quality and makes his other traits shine so much more- Hope can be a scary thing but he still cares too much to just give in easily-

Yeag... He's jsut- my little patito 💛💛💛💛!

#c!quackity #quackity #dream smp #ask #asnwered #icameforthecoffee #His story just means so much to me and his character just- he's my blorbo to end all blorbos honestly #Like augh.... the whole narrative and watching him change and grow more 'serious' and his spiral and like- #it makes sense y'know- its how those experiences he endured- especially in Manberg- especially the abuse- #it doesn't make you a better person- you survive but it twists you up- #and like I talked about this before in another post I think but it's why I love LN 4 so much because #it feels like watching this character unlearn those toxic mindsets he undertook to survive in those times... #it's just very gratifying and heartwarming #augh... mi patito! #God when it's all said and done- like when cc!Q officially says its over and c!Q's story is complete #im just gonna go all out and write a LONG analysis that's just gonna be me gushing about this character #long post #this got a little all over the place but thanks for rambling in my inbox #and giving me an excuse to just gush about this character yet again ahah #hhh #sorry if I just ended up parroting a bunch of stuff sjdjas-

[hobisexually]

x

#y’all I’m exhausted #my cat keeps going on the litter box but not doing anything #and I think she just doesn’t like the stuff in it and the box is too small so I ordered a new one but it will take two days to get here and #I don’t know what to do!!!!!!! #and I keep waking up when I hear she gets on it in the middle of the night in stress checking whether she’s doing something #and she isn’t #and I keep having nightmares of her dying and having to tell her owner she didn’t last a week with me and she never should’ve brought her #last time she went on it was what? Sunday early morning? #its Tuesday it’ll be fine #but you know????????? #I also had to leave her behind for the first time today because I need to go to work #I stretched it by one day by working from home yesterday but yk #im so FRANTIC and I’m so stressed and my supervisor is leaving on holiday for three weeks so I’m in charge of the big stuff suddenly #which I’m not stable enough for atm at all I shouldn’t be in charge of anything in this state of mind #also apparently my dad is hurting a lot over not speaking to me and yeah my man same but ?????? what am I gonna do huh #it took me a WHOLE month to feel normal again after the disaster that was December we can’t keep doing this #I cried in the middle of a fancy restaurant last night #and then as if that wasn’t bad enough had to have a talk with my mum about racism and body image and religious trauma and how she can’t keep #getting in the middle of my dad and me and then it spiralled into a conversation abojt how my dad impacted HER #and how the divorce was hell for her for a reason because the emotional abuse was. hm. #and hearing that! also how much weight she lost then which I always thought was because she was sick but no it was him #very difficult to hear #fuuuuckkkkk meeeeeee y’all #and I can Feel my brain going around in circles like it’s anxiety central and I can’t stop it atm #shit man. #UGH #I HATE THIS SOMEONE KNOCK ME THE FUCK OUT #@ [redacted] go ahead honestly

[nanowired-lover]

How do you explain to your teacher without sounding like you're crazy/lazy that you just had 4 panic attacks that lasted a few hours in the last 3 days, and ever since 2020, your memory loss is getting worse, but you didn't see doctors about it bc you're terrified of them and administrations and you're scared your parents are going to find out how mentally ill you are, so you don't have any fucking paper proof.

#*is trying so hard to not spiral again bc of a philosophy paper. I DO NOT REMEMBER THOSE CLASSES DURING HIGHSCHOOL* #I forgot. so much thing from high school specifically. when I look back at it #it feels like a fever dream ??? who were those ppl who was I what was i doing #how did my math teacher never thought about checking on me when i went to throw up from panic 5 times a class session #is ???? the world really ableist and in denial ??????? #or do i somehow never get noticed #i think i have invisibility powers LMFAO #nano.txt #vent #im gonna have another attack tomorrow. i'm betting 5 bucks

[kethabali]

hopefully they accept my transfer and i can have like 6 months to look for a new place with a nicer landlord that's number 1 and number 2 a functional apartment with a good history of reviews. learned many things from the first time so now it will be better

#i was very stressed the 1st time about making mistakes but well #that is inevitable isn't it #esp in something as complex and manipulative as the housing system™️ #a freshly turned 20 year old is bound to get fucked over without any support #now im 1 year older lmAO and i have many more resources and support so #🧃 #ranting really does help i should not stop journaling #until i forget ab it for a few weeks and spiral and go insane b4 i remember again #besides i think i just realized why u shouldn't tell them about the voucher #it's not so they don't reject u its so they don't take advantage of u #they shouldve put the reason in the packet i read bc i dismissed that #my autistic ass #ofc im not gonna listen to a rule that didnt have a good explanation #but now i have suffered and learned so #yay? #i just realized how i switched topics over so abruptly #my adhd ass too

[ryuuka-balaen]

certified Mental Illness Moment:tm:

#/⁠ᐠ⁠｡⁠ꞈ⁠｡⁠ᐟ⁠\ #i want to throw my stupid brain directly into the fucking sun. #sometimes i have a moment where i think im mentally stable! :) #and then someone i care about says something in a way/in a tone that i percieve as them being mad at me #and off i fucking go spiralling again #i dont know how to describe what im feeling #some parts sad. some parts angry. very hurt probably? it feels like ill never be able to be happy again #just gonna call that depresso espresso. #yes i know I'm being extremely unreasonable and that i shouldnt feel this way. i also dont want me to be feeling this way. #why can't i just be fucking normal