#im just so tired i cant do anything and it really affects my school life and everything

[muzanswaifu]

Ive seen a lot of people confuse me leaving for “people being mean to writers” or getting hate for the things i write of how i write them but its not

But Im not leaving just bc of the audience, i can handle some hate and honestly it was kinda fun from them bc ik that hate comes from jealousy and trolling

Im leaving because of other writers and my “friends”

Ik i said i would get into it and i really dont want to all that much bcuz im tired and just wanna be done with this but it feels wrong to leave under a false assumption and let people think their actions dont have consequences

Ive dealt with a lot from my peers on here, back talking, hating, straight up bullying, and i just cant anymore

I cant deal with drama irl AND on the internet, bcuz at the end of the day i can just delete everything on here and be done with it all so thats wat im gonna do

Tbh this has been building up for a while, i can only handle so much from “friends” and irl i cut people off pretty quick and on here should be no exception but ive fucked up and let people do watever too long and its bitten me in the ass

Yes ik im dramatic lol, ive gotten that a lot and a lot of people hate me for, a lot of people love me for it, its how i am and it keeps things interesting. I get it, i like to make a lot of call out posts. Y? Bc people deserve to be called out and idgaf ab appearances on here. If someone did something bad, im gonna call them out bc last i checked its my blog and i can do wat i want. If u wouldnt do it, thats fine, its ur decision, and this is mine

Yes, i dont post a lot, I. Am. Busy. I have work. I have school. I have a social life. I cant write smut all the time even tho i want to, and at the end of the day, its not my job to write smut all day so people can read it and move on. I like to interact with yall, its fun, i like to talk to a lot of different people on her since my irl friends arent really into anime. Apparently people think im a loser for that? Ok? Sorry i like to talk to people on the internet when im bored instead of producing smut all day for people to read, ig i shouldve remembered im only on here to provide content since i dont deserve to have some fun, my mistake

Requests? Requests r a generosity. So many of my requesters have been absolute angels with being patient in receiving their requests, happy to just see me writing or interacting at all. Others have hounded me regularly telling me im lazy and selfish for not completing my requests, saying im an asshole for not completing them over my own projects bc “they asked first”. LMAO, U WRITE IT THEN???? i dont owe anything to anyone, certainly not someone who comes here solely to read my fics, not even leaving any interaction or encouragement whatsoever, then leave.

The icing on the cake? The tip of the iceburg? Discord of all places. Im sorry some of u didnt enjoy my server, i really am. Ive never used discord before and me and the mods did the best we could and im sorry i couldnt be as attentive to it due to my busy schedule

Im sorry i couldnt get there in time to stop conflicts or just straight up call people out, and im sorry someone had to make another server since they didnt like how i was handling mine bc i didnt take their side in a fight that THEY WERE WRONG IN? But i tried to be nice, tried to defend her and nicely explain y she was she cant say anything they want in any situation bc people get hurt. but it didnt matter. Y? Bc apparently i cant tell people what they can and cant say…

And that made me realize something! Theyre right! Theyre absolutely right and im so stupid for not seeing it until now! I cant stop people from saying things to me. I cant stop people from talking shit ab me. I cant stop people from even saying things on my own blog and server! I just cant. Bcuz in the end, people r gonna say what they want and do what they want bc people dont wanna learn. They dont wanna talk. They dont wanna hear ab how what they do or say affects others. They just wanna do what the want when the want, and they wanna be allowed to, bc fuck everybody else. Everybody is the victim in their own story, and i deserve to be the victim in mine.

And what would a victim do in this situation?

Leave.

[sometimesieatexpiredcatfoof]

gah venting time

im so self destructive and i cant seem to do anything. even the smallest things make me insanely exhausted. to the ppoint it takes effort to move my body. im so so exhausted even while im typing this.. i have so much to do tomorrow, i dont want to go to school. im so scared my teachers might yell at me or say something thats gonna make me cry. i dont wanna go to school tomorrow im too tired i just cant. but i already skipped 2 days so i have to go tomorrow.

I cant stop thinking about my exams. ive been terrified that im gonna do bad, especially in my least fav subject. i already failed the last exam, if i fail this one they'll make me do a re-exam. that will shatter my whole perception of myself. ive always been the "smart kid" and now thats slipping out of my hand and i dont know who i'd be withoout the labels.

i have my finals in less than a week. im terrified. i dont want to do bad. i want to make my teachers proud, they're already catching on that im "disinterested" or whatever theey call me when they talk to each other about the students. they havent caught on about me being depressed so i guess thats a semi good thing.

there's so much work to do and so little time and so little energy that i have.. i wish i could js sleep forever. its so hard to just. exist. everything goes by so fast, i just wanna hit pause and leave it like that. i dont want time to keep passing me by. theres so little time for everything it makes me overwhelmed and im already chronically burnt out so its 1000x harder cuz of all of my exhaustion.

i just want a shoulder to cry on- someone to listen, someone to comfort me, tell me itll be ok. someone who's affection i can actually believe.

There was this girl i dated. i made a super meaningful bond, like, the first person i could truly trust with EVERYTHING. i loved her to the moon and back. she lost feelings. 😁 she couldnt really make time 4 me anyway so maybe it was good she dumped me.. but like, that was my first TRUE bond with someone. someone special to me. and i dont know if im ever gonna feel that level of trust and belonging with someone ever again. the feeling of bliss and peace i had with her was so beautiful, every moment i had with her, i wanted it to last forever. and we've been growing distant so basically, ive no one left !!!!

My home situation's been growing a little more chaotic too. its like my parents WANT to start conflict. and i cant handle it, so i scream until my voice is hoarse only to be labelled "annoyed" by my father's antics. i dont know if i like or hate my father. i was taught to hate him, but also understand him, but also protect my mom from him. My mom isnt all that great either, she always takes her anger out on me by shouting at me. never saying something nice about me, hell even saying bad shit about me IN FRONT of my face. its like nothing i do is ever good enough. i know she's going through a rough time being abused but im having a rough time too. she doesnt get to devalue my feelings or my problems for that. im a human too, ma. for once, just once in my life, i want her to comfort me, instead of me comforting her. My sister moved out and she always telling me that she'll take me ut of the country and we'll leave all of this shit behind but when? when? when will it happen? a few years is too much to wait. i dont know if i can hold on for so long.

my emotions are js too exhausting for me to deal with.. my body is oh so small, yet my emotions are so big. its like even every time i feel happy, it goes so quick, and i feel all empty or bad again. i feel so unhappy with whatever i do, im even losing interest in my interests. its all so much for me. i dont know what to do. this is gonna get in between my relationships, my academic performance, my life. i just wanna be able to accept and forgive myself for the things ive done instead of sulking or shaming myself for it or running away. i just wanna be a normal person who can do normal things without feeling like its so much. i wanna be a normal person who isnt exhausted by everything. i wish i could let go of all of my trauma, i wish i could run away, i wish i was a different person who didnt need to go through all of this, a different person who's happier.

I'm so weak. im so weak.

everybody treats me like shit. my friends and i hit each other jokingly but sometimes it gets really hard- im a really physically weak person and once two of them were hitting me with a book and i couldnt even enter my class without getting hit by a metal bottle. i thought one of my friends would protect me, but they didnt lol, and i felt like crying, i know it was small to them but it wasnt to me and i feel like im being a big crybaby about it. i dont know why im not a respectable person, im a person too, i dont want to be hit but i dont know how to set my boundaries since im so used to people pleasing and just accommodating to spend time with other people.

its so hard to just. be a person. why is it so easy for everybody else to be respected? why? ive done and given everything i can. yet i STILL cannot get anything to go my way. im so done with everything

#phew done yapping #tw family problems #exam stress #other things too #i just dont think they need a tw #tw for jokingly fighting but they started doing it really hard and i got emotionally hurt?? #idk #spring vents #tw domestic abuse #tw emotional abuse #tw physical abuse

[shinshoyu]

//vent

i hhhhate how many things just keep going wrong in my LIFE like PLEASEEEE

everyone piles up on me all at the same time and i'm never mad about what i actually should be mad about i get mad about the things that shouldn't matter as much as they do like my microphone not being perfect or my headphones only liking one port on my laptop.

im just so tired of being angry all the time and idk maybe im trying to project it onto mediocre things so the big things can be dealt with and not snapped about but i snap about the little things that it's not even worth snapping over and im just. im tired

i almost started crying because my expensive headphones and my expensive microphone don't work or sound the way i want them to and it's just upsetting me so much. and it's not even a big deal because yknow what? so what! fucking sell the shit and get better shit! what's the issue with that? oh is ir because you're an egotistical little bitch who believes they're above selling things to get better things? fucking hell.

not to mention what im really frustrated about are people and school and i don't want to be upset about either of those things but i cant stop being angry abt them and it's like fuck just shut UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

i try to make myself feel better and it gets worse and it makes me angrier and i think hanging out with people will help because it gets me out of my self depreciating moods but it serves to turn those negative emotions into different negative emotions that i bottle up because it's not appropriate to deal with them the way i feel i need to and it's just UGH

i just want people to shut the fuck UP your voices grind on my gears and remind me of horrible times in my life and you talk about your life that you barely have because of how fucking chronically online you are and you boast about all your fucking mental illnesses but it doesn't give you an excuse to not be courteous to others. ok yeah sure you're autistic well so am i and i'm still a nice fucking person. i cant even get a word in because you fucking assholes keep talking about things that make me want to die and if i speak up about it your ass pins any type of hatred you can on me. i don't fucking CARE what mental illnesses you have or what religion you follow or what color your fucking skin is i don't give a flying fuck about those things. what i fucking care about is keeping myself stable and safe and i cant do that when you accuse me of hatred for SETTING A BOUNDARY. i am SCARED to speak up for myself because the second i do i am attacked and i KNOW you would do the same thing.

like if you join a vc full of people in a completely separate server who aren't a part of your other servers or anything like that, should you really just be talking about what happened in your other vc? it's just the two of you talking. it's like you're fucking debriefing and the rest of us, or at least i, don't want to fucking hear it. i don't want to hear about how loud and chaotic and overwhelming the vc was. i don't want to hear about what scandal happened in the massive pool of voices you can barely discern. i don't want to hear about what game you played because it's always the same and it always reminds me of the worst, lowest point in my life and you just keep fucking talking. you keep going and going and going and you don't stop and let other people talk.

god and your fucking dni and shit are so specific like i hate to say this but fucking grow up. get a therapist and learn how to deal with your shit, because you can't get mad at someone for existing in their own space that you invade. god fucking forbid i like listening to melanie martinez and hollywood undead. oh no, i'm so sorry, do my choices that don't affect you traumatize you and now you have a new alter in your 500+ system? grow the fuck up. MY music choice shouldn't affect YOUR BRAIN. my BOUNDARIES about certain games and topics shouldn't affect YOUR LIFE.

like be so fucking for real right now. be SO fucking for real. if you have a problem with someone or something, fucking block them. that's the beauty of the fucking internet. if you have such a problem with those things don't hide it in your little carrd with all the other bullshit you hate, deal with it like the rest of us and get some fucking therapy. you need to learn healthier coping mechanisms rather than relying on other people to bend to your life. fuck off.

#s_vent #this one's heavy #i'm pissed frfr

[thespacecowboyyy]

I feel so sick again

#i think ill skip school #i woke up at 6 or so and hoped this would go away but no #i feel too weak to do anything or even walk so idk if it is smart to try to go to school and just feel like dying all day #i mean i dont know what this is but everywhere just hurts and my stomach feels weird and im dizzy #i just shake and feel like im freezing #also this cough wont leave me alone but doesnt everyone have some autumn cold all the time #coughing just happens to hurt a lot and leaves me out of breath for minutes #i think i probably should talk to a doctor and get blood tests done or something because this cant be normal anymore #im just so tired i cant do anything and it really affects my school life and everything #i dont wanna skip today since i was away last week too but i cant go #i know i seem lazy and probably am but ill go tomorrow if i dont feel like fainting or throwing up any time i move too much or fast #maybe it is all in my head but itd be nice to know that im not dying or something #sorry for complaining here again #bye

[extravalgant]

concept: the wizards' cards have textures based on their effects and how often the card is used, like literal playing cards that get worn over time. i know i shared this in the discord but i wanna see how u interpet it with art bc i cant art

AW THANK U FOR COMING TO ME LEAH im flattered u want to see my artistic interpretations omg

I REALLY LIKED THAT IDEA YOU PUT IN THE DISCORD... i never thought that the cards would get worn down over time through heavy use . ITS SUCH A GOOD IDEAAA most of your ideas are so good<33

that being sad i thought about it more in school while i was waiting for a friend to finish up in class and heres what i got

— i feel as if novice decks + cards have a sort of "block" on them - that means there is a spell that prevents newer wizards from putting too much magic into their spells and tiring themselves out quicker. the magic is more stilted, which is why some may fizzle more over others. but they are made specifically for new trainees in mind, so more experienced wizards dont use them.

(i hope the explanation makes sense....)

ANYWAYS . ill do it by groupings so elemental school is up

— i feel as if pyromancers are more prone to burning their cards and decks to a crisp - hence the charred edges around their cards. falmea has to teach novice pyromancers about fire safety and how to safely put out a fire caused by magic (rather than fire caused naturally, imo i think they're two different things)

— as they steadily grow more confident in keeping their flame up and consistent, these types of accidents will stop, and they would stop burning their cards too. however, i think that the charred edges remain simply because it's fire and you're going to expect it to get burned either way. but now there's a more smokey quality to the way that it smells and looks.

also. i think the words and appearance would also get smudged and disappear over time, so they would probably have to rely on their memory or the way that the card feels (or even cast it) to see which one it is.

— ALSO i think all spell cards all look the same, but the corners are marked with the schools colors<3 i think it looks cool

— for thaumaturges i feel as if they would always freeze their cards so that they would be unusable in battle - the magic cant really flow into a spell card when the card itself is just basically a chunk of ice omg

for this, i feel like greyrose would cross some classes with falmea - she teaches the pyromancers how to relax the grip on their flame, and falmea would teach the thaumaturges how to allow themselves to relax, flow out of their rigid state.

— as they learn to control the rate at which their ice magic manifests, their spell cards are instead dusted with a light shade of frost, that which can be easily cleaned off. the words can become a little bit more harder to read and a bit foggier, though, so sometimes they have a chance to cast the wrong spell.

— diviners are 100% wrecking their cards like crazy. some students would have to constantly get new sets of decks or spell cards because storm is such a strong school off the bat - lightning tears through the protective block sometimes, often times making them practically unusable.

some people drop out or switch schools because of this issue - it's too much work to have to constantly replace torn cards or learn how to rework your magic into a better way.

— i think with enough time, diviners can learn how to redirect magic into a more consistent way (because storm magic in general is very inconsistent) -- they are still more likely to tear their cards in a fight, but it starts more at the edges, rather than novices almost tearing huge chunks and bottom/top halves off.

— for conjurers i feel like theyre the types to start bending their cards - perhaps out of nervousness or habit. when you have an uptight teacher like cyrus, i think that kind of manifests itself into other behaviors.

— for some reason, i feel like their cards are more likely to shimmer and shine more. since their school mainly deals with the mind and creativity, the cards and decks reflect that. that being said, it may shimmer too much. to the point where novices can't even make out the creature of the card, and end up summoning the wrong one.

self-explanatory, but sometimes their mind may be clouded by other things, and i like to think that the mind and magic is connected, hence why it will affect the spell cards.

— for necromancers, i feel like when their magic takes the necessary sacrifice, it also ends up taking chunks out of the card too. you can have the right rituals down to perform a spell, but it doesn't mean the sacrificial aspect isn't the part that messes up most novices.

i think after diviners, necromancers come in at a close second at wrecking their cards. sometimes the whole card disappears and you're like "what the heck".

— sacrifice is a core part of the death school, so malorn and dworgyn teach the novices how to make the sacrifices smaller, more localized to the edges of the cards. it's why older, experienced wizards may have cards that look like they've been eaten around the edges.

— for theurgists, i feel like they're the school that doesn't wreck their cards most of the time. there's has to do more with growth than anything else, hence why i think their cards are the ones that are the least replaced.

rather, i think things begin to grow on and around the cards. tiny vines that tear through the spell cards, wrapping around the edges. they can be ignored most of the time, but if a life wizard has their emotions and magic tied particularly close, these vines can and will get out of hand.

— experienced and older theurgists will have these sorts of vines around the corners and edges of their cards, however it may differ on plant type. because magic is different for every person, the flowers that grow there might differ from each person. the spells are worn, but because of life's rejuvinating energy, they look considerably newer compared to other schools.

— AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST... SORCERERS . this one stumped me a lil bit im ngl. i think novices have problems with concentrating on flipping between each of the schools as their attacks and supports demand it.

cards that feel wet and soggy, dried in some places as they use an a elemental school card; cards that look transparent in some places, bits and pieces gone from spiritual schools; spotty and fuzzy writing that comes from using sorcery in their own school.

— ITS... A LOT TO HANDLE. which is also why some people may end up transferring out of balance. i feel like sorcerers may have a class with each of the teachers of the seven schools, to level each of the magics that come with handling all seven of them.

— older sorcerers may get special decks and spell cards to help prevent the spell cards from straight up getting destroyed or unusable. i like to think it has a time factor -- turning back time on the cards appearance so that it lasts longer, just to give a throwback to the sands of time storyline instance in mirage.

#val.answers #wizard101 #w101 #i hope this is what u were looking for omg #this post is... so long.... im sorry to everyone in the tag #BUT YEAHHHH i was thinking on it more at school and i managed to come up with this . i hope u like it<33 #im not sure these explanations make sense but i hope they do omg #long post

[heyitsyn]

Manager!Seijoh Part 4

a/n: I LIVE FOR THESE MANAGER SEIJOH ASKS LIKE BLS TAKE OVER MY LIFE

(i originally planned to write the other schools for the manager scenario like theyre already in my drafts with plans and partly written out but like seijoh is my TOP PRIORITY (sorry pls dont hate me) BC THEY ARE MY BOIS)

also, most of my ask box is all for a kyoken ending and kyoken fluff and aoba johsai fluff and im quaking bc this is spurring me to create more aoba johsai imagines and my love for the other schools is just like being overshadowed by our little plant babies :’)

for more seijoh content, check this masterlist out!

anon request: Im the anon who mentioned the chaos about the dating and can I say I love it!!! 🙏🙏 i kinda have this hc for the boys that they fight whenever they go on bus rides, just because they want yn to sit next to them. But she usually sits next to the calmer members?? The reason the boys fight?? She may or may not have fallen asleep a few times, her head on kyo/iwa shoulder. 🥺🥺

LMAO THAT PART JUST REEKED CHAOTIC ENERGY AND SHE WOULD TOTALLY SIT NEXT TO THEM JUST TO SPITE THE OTHERS AND I LOVE THE IRONY LIKE THE MOST AGGRESSIVE LOOKING ARE THE SOFTEST AND CALMEST TOWARDS HER LIKE PLEASE KYOKEN AND IWA ARE JUST LITTLE SOFT BEANS AND DESERVE THE WORLD

(bruh im so soft for iwa and kyo like my best bois and i must write them out IMMEDIATELY bc theyre so uggghhhhhh!!!!!!!)

MY TWO MEN IN ONE GIF GOD HAS BLESSED ME-

oh dear

bus rides,,,,, yep here we go

the team is usually peaceful and civil w each other (minus iwa literally beating oiks up but thats irrelevant information)

like they dont really have fights or have any arguments bc they meet up every saturday to talk about the week and if anybody had any concerns or anything they were mad about since it was like a family meeting

but boy oh boy

when you entered this family,,, arguments and misunderstandings happened once a week

‘no! y/n-chan said she was going to go shopping with me!’

‘um, she already agreed to go to to the arcade w me’

‘wait, she told me we were going to go visit that cafe!’

yes you agreed to do those things w them but you never assigned a date

your attention was something that these boys were always wanting since they only see you during club hours and practices

their jealousy gets really ugly sometimes and the two first years actually get all smug about it 

‘hm, y/n, we still up for studying later?’

you ruffled his hair and smiled up at him

‘yep! we need to set an alarm though or else i’d end up staying after 1 in the morning again’

‘great. cant wait’

kunimi rarely shows any emotion towards his senpais but they couldnt miss the smug smirk that made oikawa grip the volleyball and mattsun holding him back

god hes such a little shite

everyone knows that the first years have a upperhand than them bc of your same grade so the upperclassmen were much more sensitive to spending time with you outside of practice

and they liked to spend that time wisely

when the time for away games come, you weren’t that worried about it

i mean,, why would you when boarding the bus is going to be so early in the morning at like 4 in the morning and theyd be sleeping the whole time so you get peace and quiet

in fact, you were looking forward!

but nope!

jesus took the wheel and said no

instead, you were watching the team members shouting and yelling at each other at the asscrack of dawn

say sike rn

the 2 coaches were actually not there yet so they werent able to help you and whip the boys to order so here you were, bleary eyed and clearly still tired, sighing and rolling your eyes at the fight

‘SHE SITS WITH ME! IM TEAM CAPTAIN! I GET DIBS!’

‘NO! YOU DROOL ON HER AND MESS UP HER CLOTHES! YOU LIKE MAKKI-SENPAI MORE, RIGHT, Y/N-CHAN?!’

now you might be asking me, ‘author-chan, why are they fighting so hard for something as simple as a bus ride?’

well, my young grasshoppers, this is not just a simple bus ride

you are infamous in the team to be a sleeper

no matter what form of transportation, bus, car, any surface, you found yourself in dream land

yall i wish i was like that

the sleep paralysis demon beside my bed says otherwise

they freak out and fight over even a simple touch of affection from you, do you really think they wouldnt fight tooth and nail to being your pillow and freely watching your adorable sleeping face?

these men are fighting as if they were fighting something serious like a world war

lmao with how intensely theyre fighting, it practically is

but there were two players who actually didnt care either way since they only wanted you to be the most comfortable and they werent exactly the most squishiest members

in fact, they were basically all muscle and probably not the most comfortable

NOPE I BELIEVE THAT IWA IS IN FACT ONE OF THE MOST COMFIEST AND BEST PILLOWS IN THE ENTIRE HAIKYUU UNIVERSE

totally not my bias talking or anything

so it was no surprise when they didnt get themselves involved

iwa was already done w them and goes in the bus because mom deserves a nap

naturally, kyo follows the leader and boards the bus after him, leaving the others to fight it out in the school parking lot

you were happy that they were too distracted that they wouldnt notice you sneaking away into the bus and you were slightly disappointed that out of all the seats, kyo had to sit in the one-seater by the front

so you immediately went over to the other person, who was iwa-san, and he was just settling in, pulling out his teal blanket

you blinked at him when he caught you stare but he gently smiled before opening the blanket

‘i was never a fan of window seats anyways’

you happily bounced over to him and you placed your bag at the overhead compartment bc seijoh is bougee and can afford everything before you climbed over him to the seat next to the window

iwaizumi tried to make you as comfortable as he can so he kept the seat divider thing yanno what im talking about? between you

but his eyes widened when you casually pulled it up and snuggled closer to him

youve done this before so he opened his right arm for you to cuddle closer but he was still surprised 

meanwhile,,,

you just closed your eyes with a smile as you pulled the blanket to your chin and practically glomped yourself to iwa

ugh im so jealous of you!!!!!!!!!!

‘hmmmm, youre so warm iwa-san. youre like,,,,, jacob from twilight’

his eyebrow quirked and he smiled, wrapping his arm around you and tightly holding you close

‘oh? the werewolf?’

he felt your head nod

‘mhm. so warm, and strong, yet so gentle and soft’

by now, both your legs were already swung over his lap and head on his chest as you sat sideways

his fingers traced circles around your middle as his other hand was fiddling with your fingers

‘didnt he like mark a little girl?’

‘iwa-san dont talk about that!’

his laugh grumbled his chest and you giggled, trying to become even closer towards his naturally warm chest and inhale his scent

lavender mixed with peppermint

it was such an odd combination from the people you knew and you were immediately drawn to it

thats why you usually wore his jacket rather than your own

he always gets confused as to where it is but you steal it and watch him look for it

you didnt hear that from me though

it didnt take a long time for you to fall asleep and by the time the 2 coaches finally arrived and yelled at the players, they were already late

‘oikawa, i thought youd handle this properly!’

oiks whimpered from the coach’s scolding but apologized then pushed everyone in

the sight in front of them made them both boil in jealousy and squeal in uwus

you, the softest and sweetest and kindest little flower human being, being cuddled up to iwaizumi, the brute and bara arms and the ultra macho strong man, who had his head on top of you

KYAAAAAAAA

even though they knew you were a heavy sleeper and iwa slept like a rock, they still quieted down and silently walked over to their seats, hissing and shushing at anyone who even made the slightest bit of noise

rustle of the bags?

SSSSHHHHHH

seat creaking as they sit down?

SSSHHHHHHHH

they only let this slide bc your sleeping face was just so cute and they didnt have the heart to wake you up

and also face the wrath of titan iwa and be thrown into the atlantic ocean like oikawa did one time

when you finally arrived at the stadium, they waited for a rough 10 minutes just to figure out how to wake you up

they didnt want to wake up iwa first and have him yell at them but they didnt want to wake you up first either

but kyo didnt understand the dilemma and instead just goes to the back where yall were at and he goes to the seat behind you so he could reach you easily and tickles your cheek

the team is just like 👁️👄👁️

your nose scrunches at this tingling sensation until it continues so you open your eyes and finds kyo just smiling down at you

oiks is literally shaking bc he could see the smallest smile on kyo’s face

‘wake up’

with his gruff voice, it sounded like he was ordering you around but you knew he couldnt help it and blinked tiredly at him, giving him a smile of your own

‘hm, hi kyo-san’

you winced at the sudden appearance of the sunlight and that made you fully wake up before flinched at the eyes of the other players

‘hello, everyone’

you said slowly and you sat up, noticing iwa still sleeping

oiks held his breath bc hes been friends w iwa since he was still a baby and he knows that its like waking up a sleeping dragon

‘wait y/n-chan-’

but you didnt listen and poked his nose

‘iwa-san? iwa-san, we’re here’

you cooed and the poking made his eyes flutter open and with his head still tilted to the side, he swore he saw an angel by the way the sunlight hit the back of your head giving you a smiling angel effect

hm, i could get used to seeing this when i wake up

you grinned and when he finally stretched, you sat up stright, waiting for iwa to get up so you could slide out

but kyo was an impatient little bean and just hoisted you out of there and towards him behind the seat

‘come on. i got your bag’

he mumbled and you nodded, letting him hold your hand

lmao wait i forgot the time this is set

this is set during the 2nd inter-high okay? okay

oiks was still complaining at kyo and iwa hogging you but you didnt listen and continued walking towards the entrance, glancing around at the other teams

as usual, oiks and iwa were walking to the front bc yanno, captain and vice-captain, while you and kyo walked at the back, mainly bc you didnt want any player to stray off like kindaichi did last time and look for him for hours

kyo gripped your hand and you turned your head to look at him to see his eyes glaring at anything

you chuckled which made him look down at you, the glare slowly disappearing

‘hm, kyo-san, you should really invest in contacts. it doesnt matter if wearing glasses makes you feel like a nerd bc you still need it to see’

he scrunched his nose when you scolded him and he was about to retort when him and the team caught the whisperings of the nearby teams

‘oh my god, seijoh and the beautiful manager’

‘how old is she? i hope shes at least a second year’

‘ngh id tap that’

IM BLEEHHHHH

‘is he her boyfriend? if so, the competition isnt that hard then’

kyo growled and was about to lunge at the yellow jacketed boy but you held him back, also worriedly looking at your boys

‘seijoh, down’

you ordered and they shrunk back, opting to just glaring heatedly at the other teams

you could still feel kyo shaking at rage to them sexualizing you but your hands squeezing him and the other hand rubbing his arm helped him control it

‘dont make a scene, kyo-san. its your first competition since your suspension, right? and you love volleyball so please keep it in. i can protect myself’

you whispered but he let go of your hand and wrapped his arm around your shoulder, pulling you close and continuing to glare at everyone as if he was asserting dominance

‘if they touch you-’

‘ill kick them between the legs, i know. you told me already’

you teased and he hummed in agreement

when they played, they were at ease bc the two coaches were there and they were also protective of you like their own so they wouldnt have to worry about someone to go after you

however,,

as they were warming up for the second game, you had to quickly fill up their water bottles bc they were already tired and dehydrated so you needed to fill them up

and they were all busy and you didnt want to bother them and you were going to be quick anyways so you just took the case of bottles and ran to the nearby water fountain

you were hurriedly filling them up and at your last bottle, you were about to cap it when you felt a presence behind you

he stood close and his arms snaked around your waist but you hurriedly tightened the lid and whacked him at the head with the heavy bottle

you continuously hit him and kicked him between the legs before hitting him again

‘DONT TOUCH ME AGAIN!’

you shouted and iwa and kyo were watching from the end of the hallway, panting from running so fast since they heard your shouts

okay a little flashback,

kyo was watching you from his perepharal vision and when he went up to spike, he took his eyes off of you for ONE DAMN SECOND and you nyoomed out of there

when he didnt see you anywhere, he wildly looked around and this caught the attention of the vice-captain

‘oi! kyotani! whats wrong?’

‘y/n. where is she?’

they took off running and the team was just like what

then they heard shouts and kyo knew it was you

his mad dog senses

hehe get it

he as about to tackle the guy but he saw you beat him with a water bottle and eventually taking another bottle and kicking him and hitting him with the two waters

the player cowered and scrambled to get away bc wow this girl was psycho

um no sir, she was protecting herself from hormonal testosterone filled children like you

‘YEA GO RUNNING! COME TO ME AGAIN AND ILL BEAT YOU UP HARDER! DISGUSTING! TRASH! GROSS! SCUM!’

maybe it was because the last time you were touched without consent was when you got bullied but you were definitely fighting harder and more aggressive at protecting yourself

you turned around and the rage from your eyes disappeared when you saw the two boys there

‘hey iwa-san! kyo-san! sorry, i needed to fill the water bottles!’

you grinned and placed the bottles back to the case before lugging it up

my god their eyes were shining

yep, thats my girl

when their games were over for the day, they made their way to the exit where the bus was at and you and kyo stayed behind again

you caught the eye of the guy and his team and you and kyo glared at him, both wearing a sadistic smile

UGH YALL ARE COUPLE GOALS I SWEAR

kyo even went up to him and the team shrunk leaving the guy standing there in fear at the look on his face

‘listen, i dont like it when my baby girl gets touched by filthy shite like you. so do it again, and ill chop those damn fingers of yours, got it?’

lmao he’ll come for your ankles

the guy just nodded in fear while his team were cowering at the back

you chuckled and pulled kyo to go bc as much as you liked watching this, you needed to go to the bus to go home

‘cmon, kyo, i want to go. im getting a headache from the smell of garbage’

he shifted his gaze to you and sent you a soft smile

‘okay. lets go’

hah you thought it ends there?

kyo is a dramatic little shite so he made a show of grabbing your waist and kissing your temple before flashing them a finger

oiks was tapping his foot impatiently at the bus and when you and kyo emerged from the entrace, he was about to snatch you up but kyo stood in front of you

‘EH?! KYOKEN-CHAN, I WANT TO SIT WITH Y/N-CHAN!’

‘no’

he said and didnt say anything else as he pulled you to the bus and into a two seater where you sat at the window again and he sat on the outside

‘hah? you want to sit next to me, kyo-san?’

you teased but he flushed red, hurriedly hiding in your neck

you laughed and brought a hand up to caress his nape

‘mhm’

he mumbled and you pursed your lips to hide the squeal

‘youre so cute, kyo-san’

‘not cute’

‘very cute’

‘no’

‘AM I CUTE Y/N-CHAN?’

‘SHUT UP SHITTYKAWA’

kyoken got away from your neck and went to hit the captain 

oikawa screamed

a/n: my first week of school was so weird bc we only have like 2 days and the other days are just free days bc we havent really done anything except talk about our classes but im just hating this system like ugh i actually want to go to school bc ya girl is going to a tech school and this 2-day a week is not the vibe

#haikyuu!! #haikyuu #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu!! imagines #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu!! x reader #haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu!! headcanons #aoba johsai #aoba johsai x reader #aoba josai x reader #aoba josai #seijoh #aoba johsai imagines #aoba josai imagines #seijoh imagines #seijoh manager #haikyuu manager #haikyuu!! manager #aoba johsai manager #aoba josai manager #seijoh x reader #aoba johsai headcanons #aoba josai headcanons #seijoh headcanons #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu!! fluff #aoba johsai fluff #aoba josai fluff #oikawa tooru

[vaskebjoern]

okay. okay. maybe I’ll vent here. maybe this is a good place to vent. I don’t know.

i have not. properly tried to express my emotions in a while. i don’t know how to anymore. genuinely. Every time I try I feel like I’m doing it wrong, and i hear the words I’m saying, or the thoughts I’m thinking and none of it is /right/. It doesn’t properly describe it. Or maybe it just feels like nobody ever really listens? Or that they listen, but they don’t understand, and i don’t know how else to describe it? It’s like no words carry any meaning anymore.

Or maybe it’s just that the words of comfort offered to me never do anything to ease my mind? 

I spend so so so much time in my head, and i don’t know how to get out. It feels like there's a poison in there leaking into the rest of my being, and my core, and my life. Keeping me from ACTUALLY being myself. These thoughts of who I am, and what I am, and what i should say, are so completely ingrained into my bones, I feel like I’m always just a puppet trying my best to put on a show, and I always feel like I’m sort of... faking it... 

Nothing about being a person ever feels like it comes naturally to me.

And it’s not even!!! that i don’t see people. or that i don’t have friends. I mean ok ok ok i have no family left in my life. That’s something i should maybe deal with, but how? and why? and uhm, hello, i don’t fucking WANT to? Have i not dealt with it enough? Why do i have to poke at those bruises if i want to feel better? Cant i just let them heal in peace? At least they’re not open and bleeding WOUNDS anymore. Isn’t that enough? I don’t want to think about it, or talk about, or even recognize it as a part of me anymore. I literally just want nothing to fucking do with it. I am so so sick of it, and what it’s done to me, and how unfair it is, and how it will affect my entire life, how it’s made me into this, into what i am now, and how there was nothing i could’ve ever done about that. 

I think i can pinpoint the exact moment it really broke down for me and i started to feel like this. Numb, and apathetic, and like everything is a performance, like im floating underwater and the world is up there above, blurry, and the sounds vague.  I feel like a ghost, i feel hollow, i feel like i have nothing left to fucking give, and it breaks my heart because i want to give the world so so much. And i feel like it’s the only way i’ll ever be loved, is if i give enough of myself away so that somebody notices. Whether what i give is art, or me being funny, or pretty, or smart, or witty, or charming or talented, but i don’t usually feel like i’m any of those. There are moments. But they’re always just moments. And in the end, I don’t have anything to give, that’s not already been given before, by somebody else, by somebody who could do it better. Nothing i do matters. Nothing i think matters, nothing i say matters.

And now that sounds awfully nihilistic, but hey, what if that’s a good thing! Nothing matters! Cool! I can do whatever i want!

But then why am i laying in bed for 6 hours, forcing myself to sleep, because i can’t stand being awake? Is this what i want? Is this all that i can give, since i’m not good enough to give anything else? Since i’m too SCARED to give anything else?

And yeah okay, the exact moment this happened. Right. This is a happy story. CW: Self harm, sexual assault, and suicidal thoughts

 I was living alone in my apartment, and i think i was 19. I was having a bad episode of whatever sort... I don’t know what it was, if it was an anxiety attack, or... Whatever it was, i had them a lot back then. And i’d cut into my arm, and there was blood on the walls, and i was crying and shaking, and i didn’t know who to talk to. I had already used my few friends far too much, and i knew they were tired of me, and my relationships felt fragile and precious, and i didn’t want to be a bother yet again. I had been assigned a mentor then, from the school i’d been going to, ever since they put me on sick leave from my actual education, an education i was only even taking to begin with so that i could have enough money to live, not that i wanted it or needed it. 

And this mentor always told me that i could call him anytime. He knew i was suicidal, and that i hurt myself, and that i was struggling with life, and he promised again and again that he’d be there for me should i ever needed him. So i called him!

And he didn’t pick up. 

And i called him again. And again. And he didn’t pick up.

Eventually i just... I was so tired that i fell asleep in bed, wounds still on my arms, blood still on the walls. So i woke up the next day like nothing happened, and cleaned it all. And he called me and said sorry, and gave some excuse i don’t even remember, and i said it was fine, and hung up. And i never trusted him again.

And that was three years ago... And i think it was just too much for me. It feels like i was in so much pain then, that i couldn’t handle it anymore, and everything in my just SHUT DOWN and i went on full auto-pilot mode. And i was just numb and broken. And then not long after, my neighbor at the time tried to sexually assault me.

I never really dealt with any of it. I’ve just been trying to keep my head above water.

So last year i was kicked out of the house i was living in, and i didn’t have anywhere to go, so i ended up somewhere called the “street team” and they introduced me to the place i’ve been living ever since, a homeless shelter for women. And in so so many ways it’s given me my life back, and i think that’s maybe where all this massive flood of overthinking is even coming from to begin with. Because i’m back on my feet for the most part, and i’ve been allowed to become a person again, and exit panic mode but now i don’t know how to. I don’t remember how to be a person. I still feel like such a hollow shell. 

And i am surrounded by love, but my mind still feels like poison. And i relapse. And i don’t know how to ask for help. And i self destruct, and i don’t know how to ask for help. And what i want the most in the world is love, but i don’t know how to ask for love. I don’t know how to talk to people anymore. I am constantly afraid of being hurt, and then i hurt myself, and i isolate myself, and my head is foggy and cloudy, and i stare at myself in the mirror, and i feel entirely detached. 

And i don’t know what to do anymore. I’m sorry, this is so long. And it makes no sense. But i didn’t know who to talk to. Or how to talk. I’m trying my best, but i feel so lost and scared. Sometimes i’m afraid life wasn’t meant for me. But i sometimes it’s like i catch glimpses of myself, and i have moments where i feel like myself, like truly happy, and there and PRESENT, and with my feet on the ground, and comfort in my mind, and love in my heart, but it’s always so fleeting and i never know how to get it back once it’s gone. I don’t know how to be her all the time, but i really really wish i could. I just wanna be me, and i don’t know why that is so so hard. I’m tired. I’m sorry. I could keep venting about this forever i think, but it’s probably just for the best that i stop this flood here, because i’m going in circles, i’m saying the same things, and none of it matters anyway

#personal #if nothing else it's nice to just. say this somewhere #but i think i'll delete it later #im sorry