#im just tired. my family doesnt love me

[trashpawz]

Tumblr is basically my vent now

#ive been feeling like shit for months now maybe a year #i dont know what i should do about shit #last time we fought he said he was lonely when we met and hes not lonely now and thats why hes not as affectionate as before #and that i need to get used to that #but im still lonely i still want our old relationship back #going to sleep alone is almost impossible for me im missing work because of it #he doesnt tell me stuff he does #he gives me the smallest kiss when i get back from work and then he just wants to be on his phone #if i mess with him he laughs and makes me stop #if i try to talk to him he doesnt listen half the time #everyone tells me he loves me but i dont see it #he says he does and i think he cares for me but i dont know how much he loves me and it sucks #i feel like an afterthought or a prop most of the time #and i try to think maybe hes tired but im always tired after my 12 hour shifts #and he wants me to do all this stuff with his family all the time and I try #he doesnt say goodnight or sweet dreams or ask about my day #hell only tell me when i ask and he gives me the shortest version #idk i could go on but this sucks

[tmnt-obsessed-ace]

Not me totally changing and adding more scenes of 2012 Raph being an amazing brother to When The World Crumbles out of pure spite for the people that call him an abuser.

He is a good brother god damn it

#remember that horrendous take I saw on twotter a few days ago? #thinking about that again #and ooh its making me mad #sometimes spite is a good motivator #Like Sunshine Of The Woods was created purely out of spite #because I was so sick and tired of those god awful Mikey centric fics bashing the 2012 boys #so i made my own #that doesnt bash anyone #and now Im changing a scene from the upcoming chapter Just Like Him to have 2012 Raph be an amazing brother #because fuck everyone who calls him an abuser #he loves his family so much

[the-kipsabian]

grieving

#i guess thats why i feel so gross rn #its just. gnawing on me. regrets. loneliness. im tired #thats probably why ive been so insistent on working on something at all times. i dont like being alone with my thoughts #and now that i have a moment of silence its just. so loud #getting constant updates doesnt help. seeing my parents fight about it doesnt help. seeing others grieving differently doesnt help #i dont. i dont know #i dont think im gonna come to terms with any of this any time soon #i wasnt that close with my grandpa the past few years since covid but he was always there when i grew up without a dad #he was always a good person when i was a child. as i was an adult a little less so but thats how it goes right? and old people are like tha #it doesnt help that my mom doesnt talk very kindly of him. she loved her dad but is also very mean about him #i dont know. its so difficult for me to grasp #i dont know what to do with grief. it hurts but both not enough and also an overwhelming amount #i just... #funerals next week. i dont wanna do this #night is an absolute mess on main #im just afraid of losing everything. my family has never been that big and now both of my grandparents are gone #and my stepdads family has never accepted me in really so its. i dont know where i belong #it just hurts. i know i have people around but it feels like everyones leaving #i dont want to be alone. i cant

[andragoras-in-vanity]

isekai is such a popular genre right now, and its taken a clear shift from 'i got isekai'd and now im a fantasy hero!' to 'i got isekai'd and now i get to live a quiet and happy life in the countryside/as a librarian/pharmacist' and obviously a lot of it is just......someone wrote this to kill time and draw boobies, but Parallel World Pharmacy was so good???? i cried so many times, and i love the shift in tone the genre has gained with stuff like that

#Maybe because i wish for the same thing but only if my dog and two best friends can come too #but that one and grace of the gods is just devastatingly gentle #its not a power fantasy its just im tired and hurt anf i want to thrive instead of survive because our society doesnt make me happy #but someone or soemthing takes mercy and kindness on them #but that one was especially profound with regards to his sister while maintaining the control of 'end this disease with a physical punch' #and we lack that kind of control we want that kind of control over literally anything in this life #also it was so pretty #not unique but still very soft visually speaking and funny but not taking away from the content #and again the characters are kind #dont get me wrong id totally like reincarnated as a slime too but thats mostly for the non gendered shapeshifting #also dragons and i wanna befriend the orcs and wolves #but id probably end up a goblin in that one.... #anyway isekai when done well is so healing even when it has almost no plot #i love intense anime but god some of the gentle and beautiful ones are all i ever need #and i crave fantasy so much i adore magic and creatures and demons so much and the softness of some of these plots #but idk that one grabbed me by the throat and slammed me into the bricks #i didnt actually like ascendance of a bookworm all that much i kond of found parts of it annoying and i didnt love the artstyle #but i did absolutely love the fact she was disabled whether they called it disability illness or magic #she was for all intents and purposes disabled in the same way i am and it was heartening to see how much love they had for her #and how good her family was ngl i cried about her father and i wish mine came even a little close to that but thats a DIFFERENT topic #dont ask me about yakuzas guide to babysitting #i dont like the realizations that one gave me #but the more that come out in this genre the better it is and the more representation will drop into it hopefully in all directions #for gender and sexuality as well as disabilities #because this subgenre is so well equipped for disabilities especially because its soft and slow and so full of love #ranking of kings isn't isekai but i think it could open door for fantasy in general too because its a light genre even when its serious #its just ...pure and light and ready to welcome hardships without trauma #the characters are always kind and the setting is new and magic affords accommodations other genres dont #magical mobility aids that dont erase the disability will always be infinitely more interesting to me than heavy machinery that #that you have to strap into but that also means finding other accommodations too like having bojji read lips instead of getting an implant

[grlfriends]

.

#im so jealous of friends spending their holidays with their loving families and loving partners it's not healthy it's not normal #im happy for them but im so jealous i wish that could be me too i wish i could have experiences like that too i wish to be happy #and im i such a bad person to deserve no family no friends no anything ever and if that's the case how can i know such good ppl #like it just doesnt make sense to me i wish to have traditions to have a supporting network and it's not that i dont itsjust im not the #priority and im tired of being sick jealous of happy ppl im just so sick of basically only evrr talking to my mom i hate it so much #im just so sad #g.txt

[soldier-poet-king]

At all times there is a child in my head banging pots and pans together desperately wailing 'UNLOVED! UNLOVED! UNLOVED!'

#franposting #the child is louder theyre harder to ignore sometimes #like when ive been thinking abt love and faith and guilt and redemption and desire and pride and romance and everything too much #its not true. maybe. my few friends care in a distant way. my family cares as well as theyre able i suppose #im just. I'm not loved in the way(s) i want to be #and sometimes im tired of carrying burdens i pretend i dont even have #im tired or being brave and strong and determined all on my own #its for the shire sure. but im tired and often it doesnt feel like it has a point #im tired of life dragging me over hot coals and pretending it's something i chose for myself #it makes it easier sometimes. that self deception. but its ultimately untrue #i am so weak and afraid and lonely #i can only romanticize the solo burdens and duties and obligations and lonelt sad heroes for so long before i crack #all my heroes die all alone. tswift was right. the archer is rlly it #im going to bed. ill deal with this tmrw. probably badly. but oh well it's rhe weekend #cant go work it off at the gym bc pain hasnt passed. will be a few days still #so ill just. stew ig

[dizzybevvie]

my uncle: (calls me the R word) (comes to my house exclusively to infodump to me about horror games)

#im not gonna discuss the morality of the r word rn i dont have the energy. yes he shouldnt be calling me it. no im not offended. move on #Idk. #[whenever i refwr to my uncle i mean my aunt's partner btw.] #Ive been staying at my aunts house for the last 2 weeks bc she lives right next to where i have work experience #and ive been staying mostly in the room i sleep in purely bc im tired and my social battery is low #but usually whenever I stay over here we watch movies or play horror games or just generally talk #and hes not an emotional person but apparently hes like... genuinely worried/upset/disappointed about it #like 'does she not want to spend time with me anymore?' #and that has me emotional because hes the only family member i have that shares some of my interests and takes care to understand them #he took me to Jurassic world exhibition and Dominion because I love dinosaurs #He took me to see across the spiderverse and pirated it for me when i expressed how much i loved it #He sat down and flipped through my dnd player's handbook and asked me about it #and no other adult in my life does that it means so much to me #he listens to me infodump about httyd and talks about Spiderman with me #And infodumps back (silent hill/resident evil/music) #and the idea that he thinks i dont want to spend time with him makes me so sad #Hes the male parental figure ive wanted my entire life and he doesnt think i care. devastated. #NFKSNSJSBS #should i even post thjs at thjs point. #eh too late noe #oversharing on main #rant #vent #kinda #beverly says stuff

[blueprint-han]

did i make a mistake?

#sigh dawnie crush issues in the tags #so yeah fair warning #........................................................................................................................................... #idk man I just. i feel like instead of getting closer weve grown more distant ever since he asked me out and its killing me man #i dont wanna be hurt. im so fragile rn and just starting to heal from the years of trauma i faced in my family. when i try to talk #about any issue i have to him he just. ignores the text #or gives me a very dry response which hey. im not trying to say u should listen to my issues all the time. i get that some people dont want #to. but i would just much rather have someone tell me that directly yk? just a hey i dont do well with rants. but the thing is he said hes #fine with them. but then when i get nothing to address it i just. i feel hurt. like... ive started to wonder if hes just keeping the #relation for namesake at this point but ik that isnt true. weve only been dating 2 weeks or so i shouldnt judge so soon. but man its hard #to not overthink ive always been conditioned to do that. ive always been super excited when he plans a date (which he doesnt even call #a date) but when i try to plan smth its always that he has some other plan to attend to which again i get it im not the jealous date who #asks her s/o to be for her every waking moment but yk it does hurt and i feel instead of just letting it bottle up its better to admit it. #i tried to ask him to get cotton candy once and he said wed go the next day and then he forgot. never asked me a time or anything. i didnt #think of it much cuz hed gone to meet a friend outside the city and he mustve been tired. yesterday i asked him again and he said he was #again going outside the city to meet his 12th grader friend. man am i jealous of that girl who gets to spend more time with the guy #who asked me out than ive collectively spent with him #and no i dont mean this in a toxic way like “oh hes meeting other girls he shouldnt do that” i just. man i pictured so much out of my first #relationship. and i got nothing. not one thing out of it. i guess it makes sense cuz my love language is mostly physical touch and u cant #really do that in a campus in India. and its also wrong of me to hold him to such high standards of a perfect relationship when the guy #himself has been in one for the first time (i assume?) but like i said id rather not try to hide my emotions and express them out openly. #theres still so much more about this that i feel wrong but the thing is its confusing cuz i feel like the two years of torture in my house #has made it so that the trauma from never hearing i love you wnd words of affirmation from my parents has been reflecting off this place. #its wrong of me to do this but i expected everything that i couldnt recieve to be fulfilled in a relationship and i now realise how stupid #i was yk? cuz its wrong of me to put such harsh expectations on him like that. i feel like such a shallow person for getting depressed over #a relationship that has just been going for 1 week #theres also the thing where he generally seemed more excited to talk to me before? and now i just get the dryest responses ever out of #which no conversation can be built. and again im not expecting him to be online and respond immediately but a thoughtful response goes a #long way. again ik im being so harsh on him cuz its his first time too and he must be facing the same awkwardness im facing but jesus. i #ok my tags are over im continuing in a reblog

[iwantabatlleaxe]

Being emotionally mature, waiting for your anger to calm down and talk is the best way to make sure you show what you think and burn only the bridges you want and not the whole forest but damn sometimes I just wanna throw gasoline and get a dragon or something its a whole lot more satisfying

#just talked about distancing from my dad ABD DAMN WHERE DID I LEARN SO MUCH VOCABULARY #on the other hand I wish I could say that if he and his side of the family were dead my life would be a lot better and it is their fault i #dont love them and just throw a list of all the shitty things they did and how im tired of doing whats morally right instead of whats #better for me #like bro your wife keeps digging at my mom saying she doesnt pay shit! she does! and YOU are the one with a big ass salary and retirement #and I can LITERALLY count on one hand how many conversations I had w my grandpa! AND HE COMMITED DEFAMATION AGAINST MY MOM #AT A TIME THAT A WOMAN WOULD BE SOCIALLY KILLED IF SHE WAS THE ONE CHEATING #AND HE HELPED MY DAD CHEAT #MY DAD BOUGHT HIS LOVER A TUCANO #I KNOW ITS INSANE. #Family isnt supposed to make you cry more than to make you feel safe. and you can undo all this work w time and someone willing to have #a healthy relationship w you. and thats what I plan on doing. i just need to cut contact with my dad. #. #but yk. money. and w a minimun wage I would have to live at a favela if I wanna keep living at sao paulo so that cant happen too soon

[stonerzelda]

Ita gabis hourly complain post but bashically uhm it sux being a 24 year old grown ass adult with nothing going on not bc i myself am upset about it but. Bc people do really in this day and age judge you for dropping out. Judge you for not being Stronge Independent Womin and "letting" an abusive relationship derail ur path. Judge u for not wanting to work when every place thats hiring has insane transmission stats loike. Sorry but why cant i just exist without being exoected to perform for strangers so i can be a Hashtag Goal or whatever. Whatever happened to compassion bro

#i shouldnt be complaining cuz i know ive still had it easier than most but godam. kinda tired of being ostracized from my family #for the most bullshit dumbass reasons #yes i have substance abuse problems but girl u cant bitch about that to me when you kinda set me up man #even if u didnt...your completely ignorant actions when i needed compassion instead of getting berated didnt help lol #when has that ever helped anyone. ever. #anyways. hows everyone elses day going #im just tired of feeling useless and old when i am still young and quite literally had the last 5 years stolen from me yet nobody who #SUPPOSEDLY loves me 'unconditionally' clearly doesnt guve a single shit about the most basic human decency

[pears-trinkets]

.

#im so angry right now and actually physically sick #my whole family consists of two people only and theyre both pro israel and super condescending towards other opinions #saying everyone who does not share their opinion is a unknowledgable child on the internet that buys into trends and lies #i tried to talk to them so many times offering to talk and share resources #trying to reason with them #screaming at them how their logic doesnt make sense and only works if theyre profiting off of it #and im being called unreasonable angry and unhinged because im the crazy one im the one whos been in a mental hospital the one with issues #but my whole life is reliant on them and i can not cut them out of my life even if they do great damage to my mental health and selfesteem #im completely financially dependent on them and can not live on my own #not only because i wouldnt be able to get an apartment without them but also because i only have a job because i work for my step dad #i cant hold other jobs or even get them to begin with and also they would pay less than half of what i earn now #which would not even be enough to pay rent #i hate my life so fucking much i am so angry how i have to have my abusive mom in my life and cry about it like im 14 #im so tired of fighting for i dont know what #im so tired of being gaslit all the time and being looked down even though im an adult and try to speak super eloquently #and then it just ends in me crying and screaming and my face twitching uncontrollably because everything i say is being shut down #i know im right i know what i read and see about gaza i know so much more about the whole issue than them and see all the horrors #but it doesnt matter because im just an ungreatful child who wants to invent conflict because apparently i love fighting #like nothing that i say matters #israel is using abuser tactics like silencing the people they abuse and playing the victim and twisting the narrative #and the whole zionist propaganda #and thats literally my mom and how she acts as a person #she hates being jewish she never talks about it she didnt want to tell me anything about the culture and didnt learn yiddish from her family #and now she says that everyone who is against israel is like the people who were antisemitic to her all her life and said shes less than #she literally made this war this genocide about herself and how shes always the victim #i wish i just had someone to talk to so i dont go completely insane #i feel so alone

[devildairymilkfairy]

.

#god i wish i could talk to someone abt how i feel. but the only people i can talk to are the ones who are making me feel this way #my sister really wants me to move out and find myself but then id just be alone in this state. i dont have amy other family or friends here #and i would never want to move back to california. too many unhappy feelings and being around my mom would probably just make me feel worse #i wish i could talk to my roommates about how i feel but i think one will get mad at me and the other will shut down again #i want to feel happy and normal so bad but i just feel so sad and alone all the time #whats wrong with my brain. i wish i could just take something and make this all go away #im so tired of crying. at least my roommates cant hear me rn #if only i ciuld just disappear. i guess im not doing well if being at work makes me feel more happy and wanted than i am at home #i would actually love to work over 40 hours rn. being there at least gets my mind off things. #when im there im not sitting around all the time crying or being mute. #ash rambles #i wish i knew what to do. where to go so i can feel happy again #i should feel happy. im not struggling with money. i have friends who mostly care about me. my job isnt terrible #yet it doesnt feel good. i dont feel happy. instead i just think about all the ways im not good enough. i dont deserve any of this #i wish i could disappear #get consumed in the deep ocean or something #that would be nice.

[im-smart-i-swear]

LOCAL IDIOT CLIMBS MOUNTAIN WHILE WEARING A BINDER, IS SURPRISED WHEN HE HAS TROUBLE BREATHING

#im fine tho dw #it wasnt that bad #my chest doesnt hurt or anything! im not even sure if tge breathing thing was the binder itself #or just me being in a bad shape lol #anyway day first of hiking COMPLETE!! #man i forgot how much i love hiking #even though im really bad at it #i get tired really easily:( #but it was fun!!! #god ive been wearing this binder for uh. 36 hours straight at this point. whoops? #yesterday i put it on for the 7 HOUR car ride(already a bad decision) #and bc i only got like. 1.5 hours of sleep the night before(whoops again) #so when we finally got to the house i CONKED OUT. immidiately. #i didnt even change into pajamas or brush my teeth. just fuckin fell unconcious #at like 6pm #in my binder(WHOOPS.) #and then forgot to take it off #(whoopsie) #my mom realised when we were already next to the mountain AND SHE THOUGHT I DID IT ON PURPOSE??? #mom im not stupid. i just forget shit!!!!! why does my family not belive me:((((( #but anyway the hike was nice!! the first 40 were the worst cause it was rlly steep #it was better after that!!! AND we saw ravens!! and some lizards!!! #and like a few minutes ago my brother spotted a fox next to the road!!!!! #and we ate pierogies #they were. so fuckin good i havent had pierogies in AGES #im rambling #girl help my siblings are making annoying sounds at me #its fine tho im immune

[toastsnaffler]

day 2 of no wifi.. hanging in there 😔😔😔😔

#its pretty ok so far tbh im not that reliant on being connected to the internet #and i have soooo much unpacking and decorating to do that im constantly busy anyway. but i miss scrolling tumblr mindlessly 😭😭 #also its a bit lonely bc im used to living w 4 other ppl not 1.. and my flatmates being a bit reclusive atm #i mean we did go for a walk earlier so not that reclusive its not like i havent talked to her at all #but i like being in the same room as other ppl even if im doing a non social activity like reading its just nice to have company #so it feels reallllly quiet bc she stays in her own room all the time. which is normal for her im just. more aware of it now its just us 😭 #i think shes finding the move harder than i am bc she knew our last flatmates better than me + lived there way longer than i did #and also i think most of her social life is online/over call so not having wifi means she cant rly talk to ppl as much #not that i dont have an online social life but mine is more sporadic than hers so it doesnt affect me as much #ik im not her first choice of company either... not that she doesnt like me or anything but we're not that close so #but stilllll let me sit in the corner snd hang out i can be quiet if u want me to i promise 🧍‍♀️ #anyway i dooo get it if shes not feeling great #hopefully she'll adjust and find it a bit easier soon and we'll have wifi by tues anyway #and thurs im going to see family for a week so at least then ill have 24/7 nonstop company plus getting to cuddle the dog :-D #+ seeing a bunch of friends yayyy. i need to make friends in my new area too ive got a couple social groups listed to try out im excited #AND coincidentally one of my old friends works in this city too so i need to make some plans with her when im back !! #i didnt rly bother making any new friends in the last year bc i liked my flatmates enough to get my socialising in w them #but now im kinda raring for it. i do rly love meeting + getting to know new ppl just so long as its on my own terms #i.e. when i have my hearing aids in. and when its not super late in the day bc i get tired and easily overstimulated #bless my last flatmates but they were their own group + i didnt know them for enough years to be a true member tbh #itll be nice to make new friends in a situation where im not just the stray dog one of them dragged in to live with them #ok thats a little mean on myself but still. at least ill waste less time triggered by rsd now #anyway lost where i was going wow i wrote a lot of tags i doubt theyre all coherent bc its 2am im going to bed goodnighhttt xxxx #.diaries

[toonfinatic]

Sighhhh if i didnt have pets living at my dads house i'd go non contact/low contact with my family

#getting my dog to live with me full time would be easy #id have very little space because i live in a tiny ass apartment #but getting my cat from my dad would be difficult because he likes her. and makes up any stupid fucking excuse to keep her #sometimes i honestly think about rehoming my dog. because i know my dad doesnt want to keep her #and as i said i live in a small apartment. i love her but i have no privacy and i just. have so little energy for a dog #and it sucks because shes very dear to me. i just dont know if keeping her makes any sense. #if she was rehomed i could still at least visit her... id feel like the worst owner ever but at least i wouldnt have to stress about her #i feel like shit about all this. i just want to be low contact or no contact with my family. im so tired of being a disappointment #i have no idea what i should do. i know that keeping a dog at my apartment WHILE no contact restricts me from ever really going anywhere #with a cat its easier. i guess ill just. try for a while to live with my dog. and if it doesnt work ill just have to rehome her #id probably gotta give her back to her breeder #and it scares me. i know i got this dog when i was 15 and a kid and had no idea about what future would hold #but i feel like she'd just be mad at me #i dont know!!!!!! #i just want to be without being constantly judged by my family

[angeltrapz]

love how pissed off my dad gets when I won't debate w him <3

#no! i DONT owe you an explanation! #and it doesnt even matter what i say! you dont really want to hear it! you just want an excuse to tell me why im wrong! #bc i dont agree w literally anything u say! #im in my room <333 i dont have to listen to that bullshit. im not starting it. he knows EXACTLY why i dont like that person lmao #connor.vtxt #this house is a fucking nightmare sometimes <3 i want to spend time w my sister & mom but i dont. have the patience for this. #im not going to stand there and let him provoke me so he can turn it into smth abt how im so uneducated and rude. #i love how hes 'trying to be nice' and literally cant manage it for more than a few hours #im so tired. like. does my family think i Like starting fights? i dont. im tired. i just wish i could trust him & i cant. #and i dont know how to explain that to anyone w/out sounding like im the worlds biggest asshole & out to get him.