joshua stirs awake at the feeling of you climbing into bed. he usually does for a minute, just long enough to acknowledge your presence, and he's already shutting his eyes when you settle in. then he hears the quietest hiccup, and he's already starting to wake up.
"hey... joshy?"
even if your voice wasn't so uneven and wobbly, joshua would have known you were upset. he's never joshy to you unless you are. he's joshua when you're speaking to or about him casually, josh when you're on the phone with your mom, shua when you're tired, and my evil, pretty boyfriend pretty much any other time. joshy is when you're upset and need to say it without saying too much. he knows how much you hate talking when you just want to cry and be held.
"c'mere," he's already sitting up and opening his arms to you. "it's gonna be okay... i'm here, my love."
my love is his way of saying everything he needs to say in moments like these: i'll keep you safe and i love you and you can cry now, i've got you. it's not the only name he has for you, but you always know what he means when he drops it oh-so-casually (always so in tune with when you're starting to get upset). one instance of 'my love' is enough to tell you he'll have the car waiting if you get your coat, or he'll make up a lie to leave early if you say it back, or he'll follow your lead if you fake sick.
you take refuge in his arms, and he's already curling them around you to hold you, safe and secure as always. you let out this quiet, shudder-y breath as you finally let go and break down in his arms. if you want to talk about it, you'll talk about it when you're done. he just strokes your back, his eyes fluttering shut as he holds you through this storm.
and he'll hold you when you resurface from underneath those waves, too, sealing the action with a soft my love just to sweeten it all.
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thinking about kaidan begging shepard not to leave—not to leave like everyone before them, like rahna, like ashley, like himself on horizon. kaidan not being able to forgive himself for losing people to his own mistakes. jump zero. walking away from shep. causing himself so much heartache for nothing. stay, stay because you're the only good thing that's happened to me; shepard is the only thing he feels hes done right.
if he lost them he'd never forgive himself. he'd never forgive himself for letting them be the one that got away, letting them walk away, letting everything play out just like it did before.
like jump zero
like virmire
like horizon
he can't lose another friend. he can't lose the one person left that he truly, deeply loves.
it's for this reason he messages shepard apologetically after horizon; he knows it's wrong, and he knows he's pushing shepard away like rahna pushed him away, and god if that isn't eating him alive. so he messages the commander and reassures that he wants to trust them but needs time and needs them away from cerberus.
and in the end it's all for nothing because shepard still leaves like everyone else, and all he can do is hope his words are enough and that the commander's final words to him won't hang so heavy. and he's doing it all over again, watching them die again
i had a point here i dont remember what it was but im getting it
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to me c!wilbur's death on november 16th will always be one, if not the most, satisfying bits of lore we've ever received. post-doomsday we were given all of these promises on what lore to expect, on stories that ended up having no proper endings, on characters with no final resolutions. but november 16th man. every step leading up to it for c!wilbur was necessary, every chekhov's gun utilized masterfully. cc!wilbur knew his character was doomed, and never played him any differently. no misleading, no muddled plotline. just him in that button room, where he was always going to end up. him on that stage, playing the role he was always meant to play.
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i presented on this panel a hot minute ago about like being trans in the workplace basically and it’s really so encouraging to be able to speak out to a range of ppl but especially to the older trades union guys who like, kinda have no idea about anything, but are actually super eager to learn and support this new face of labor organizing as their comrades all the same.
there was a question from a guy about like the use of queer nowadays tho, since i introduced myself as a genderqueer transsexual, and because when he grew up like that was so full of hate. and i answered like yknow, i wouldn’t broadly apply it still because it is full of pain for so many people, but as with AIDs activists in the 80s and 90s like, it’s reclaimatory, it’s meant to be punchy, it’s meant to make you uncomfortable.
but i keep thinkin n i’ve landed on a more solid answer for myself which is like. i’ve Really struggled with the word queer bc i grew up in a small rural conservative area where that was not said with love, where kids on rooftops threw rocks and called me a faggot when i walked by, where i couldn’t even go through a taco bell drive thru without being called a dyke. and the thing is now as times get a lil more socially conscious, as i live in a city with more liberal values, as i am in a workplace that at least claims itself to be LGBT friendly, i’ve realized that just because they stopped calling me a queer doesn’t mean they stopped treating me like one. so i think that’s why i’ve been able to take on words like dyke and fag and queer, out of pride And out of pure spite.
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vox: thinks alastor smells good because he's attracted to him. pheromones or somethin idk
alastor: thinks people smell good because he wants to eat them
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1634 make me genuinely ill because there are just.... so few bonds in this sport where you look at them and go. that was 100% meant to happen like that and no one else could've slotted in. like yea, so many of players across the league form close bonds and friendships bc that's the nature of spending a whole part of your life sharing a common goal and space when you're like.. doing this team activity... and guys are constantly befriending ppl and moving on... but auston and mitch it's like. it's almost like THEY feel that they were supposed to have that bond... and go out of their way to reaffirm it at every turn... like they met and got along and loved each other immediately and were so excited to get to play hockey together only to NOT get to for a long while and while they waited, they ??? developed all these rituals. and these things together... their personal routines, things to communicate to each other that they have each other's backs and are building each other into their visions and superstitions and dreams, some of which we'll never know about (unless they'd so kindly like to tell us a la mitch's interview with cabbie where he says maybe some day he'll share the gifts auston's gotten him w the world. tell all book when mitch).. but their gloves and their handshakes and their warmups and even the way they walk into road games and it's jsut. like it's friendship, for sure, obviously. they get along off the ice and make each other laugh the most and have a good time, but it's also the inextricable linking of their own careers. BY THEIR OWN DOING. like they want their names jotted next to each other and that's PART of the chase for this greater goal. yes, they would have been talked about in tandem anyway bc they're out here being the best leafs ever and hitting milestones like 500 points.... 600 points... just weeks apart from each other season to season. but also it's their commitment to each other that makes them talked about too. it's commentators saying they love to play together bc they can see it. they've heard them talk about it. they watch it. "marner to matthews" "matthews to marner". they're always gonna know where each other are.... it makes me . feel. violent with love, lol. makes me feel like some things are definitely meant to be.
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financial independence changed my whole outlook on life i really mean that. i will work my ass off and i will do it for MYSELF and it feels so rewarding to know that i dont have to answer to anyone about my time or money but ME. it gives me the motivation to do the best i can so i can give myself the best life possible u know
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