#im kidding i am always terrified

[fleshdyke]

#csa warning for tags #ughhh ik i was just talking abt this but man. Man. constantly bullied as a child + raped as a child is a brutal combo huh #completely irreversibly fucked up sense of intimacy. i dont want to have sex with anyone i dont care what ppl think of me looks wise but i #also care more than anything and want people to want me so bad #like when ur only experience with anyone at all finding you desirable is being raped at 6ish. fucks u up man #was constantly told by everyone i knew that i was undesirable from day fucking one. i was always the one ppl would dare their friends to #'ask out' bc everyone thought i was that bad. i never had those rumours of 'some boy likes you' without people laughing in the background #all of my friends. even the ones that were also weird kids and bullied etc etc always have stories of other kids having crushes on them or #whatever. and i just never had that. it feels like i missed out on something important #i want to be pursued by a guy i hate i want them to not leave me alone. i want to feel like im in danger. and i know how fucking disgusting #that is but i cant help it. like i feel like thats the only way im going to feel normal and wanted like theres not something inherently #wrong with me. and i know how dangerous that is but its not like it matters anyways bc still no one likes me at all. #and i know how stupid of a thing it is to obsess over like what am i 9 years old? but i just cant get it out of my head #like idk i feel like the only way im going to actually feel desirable at all is if someone tries to rape me again. or if i feel like i have #to worry about someone raping me again. i know i wouldnt feel that way if someone was like. nice about it. #bc if someone genuinely liked me and was a decent human being about it i wouldnt be able to see it as anything other than faking it for pit #i wouldnt be able to believe it. even if i wasnt waiting for them to drop the joke and start laughing at me i would always think it was jus #an act bc they feel bad for me. the only way i could ever think it's genuine and that i'm desirable at all is if someone sexually #harassed me. like idk how to explain it but thats the only way i could feel desirable at all #bc it's the only way i've ever been desirable. when i was a kid. #and it terrifies me so bad bc i know how fucking disgusting that is and how self destructive it is #but i still feel like i dont even have to really worry about being assaulted. bc i still believe im completely undesirable at my core. #i dont believe i could be desired so i dont believe i have to worry about being raped. bc no one would want to anyways #rambles #vent

[hella1975]

im being sentimental again but i think one of the most beautiful things to live for are those moments that explicitely and suddenly show you that you have healed and grown from something. like the day i first cried in front of a friend without feeling entirely nauseas about it and i had the really sudden and random thought that my twelve year old self would be horrified and digusted by my current self. and i had no idea when that happened, at what point i stopped being twelve and scared and started instead just letting myself feel things. it's proof i finally learnt to let people in even if i have no recollection of opening the door. and as a child reading books, i thought romantic love was the best thing that could ever happen to a person, and as a teenager with failing friendships, that dream of being saved by The Love of My Life kept me afloat. but last night i went on a date and yeah it went well, but also when i came home my two flatmates were waiting giggling in my bed like children and we all squeezed in so they could find out every silly detail, and i thought that love was just as beautiful as anything id conjured in my head. like just having those moments in life where you realise you are so different to how you once were, in ways that would both enthrall and horrify your younger self. having proof that you have grown. you have healed. you are making a life that's beautiful

#like coming home i was so excited bc i was like 'this is it. im finally letting myself delve into romantic attraction' #which in and of itself like the crying thing is just something 12-17 year old me would be TERRIFIED of bc the vulnerability of it #so that in itself should have been its own moment of the night for me to go #'look. i am so explicitely not the girl i was to the point it's showing in my ACTIONS. i have PROOF' #but then i came home and my flatmates were literally just waiting for me like kids waiting to go downstairs at xmas #and as someone who always struggled maintaining friendships at school and never truly let myself love or be loved platonically #it was such a viceral moment of 'shit. i really fucking love my friends' #and ive quite honestly never had that before this year #like yes the date and the romantic angle is exciting. but i dont need it to save me like i used to #idk this is all very cringe and whimsical but luckily for me and unluckily for you this is also thee cringe whimsical website

[dottores]

bro i think i'm about to go to war with the fucking cockroaches

#i swear to god im not kidding #i'm being so serious right now if yall dont hear from me in a few days it means i lost #ive been here for like 2 months #and they're always confined to the bathroom #the bathtub to be exact #i always kill them there #but today. #today. #just now. #one was in my ROOM #it was crawling on the floor near my bed. #they are not supposed to do that. #they're supposed to stay in the bathroom #i'm telling you guys it was a scout #i have no food in here #there's no mess. nothing should be attracting them #they are coming for ME #they're sick of me killing them in the bathroom and they're bringing the fight to me #i am terrified

[inkybinkyboink]

no but like what the fuck

#vent post time!!!!!!!!!!!! #like ok so i graduate and then what #i move? to a different province? and i learn to teach kids? and then what #and then i teach kids??? #what if it doesnt make me happy #like the thought makes me happy now #but what if i get there and it doesnt #or what if it stops making me happy #am i just like doomed to keep making new batches of friends every 4-5 years? will there always be awful people amongst them? #i didnt...think id make it this far? #like i know thats dark and stupid but like i didnt and now im just kind of making very brief one to two year plans because i dont know what #to do and that scares me. like graduating is terrifying because i dont know whats next #like no matter where i go even if i stay here it will be intrinsically different #and i dont want to stay here because its safe or because i know this place because i dont want to get stuck here #maybe im just scared of growing older? i dont know man #idk. living with anxiety is hard. #like i know it'll b ok but its scary. and it never stops being scary. #its ok for now because i still have a year left

[cinnamon-grump]

I feel like I’ve come to understand how my idiot cat comminicates well enough to distinguish different meows n shit…

He’s really pulling that fucking “mum… mumm… mummy! Ma! Mama!!!” bit EVERY DAY. Bitch doesn’t even WANT anything he doesn’t already have, istg he JUST wants to get me up and pissed off and keep me awake

#its also kinda that game kids play of throwing shit on the floor so u HAVE to fetch it #like no fuck you #insolent little brat #eat your food and shut the fuck up #i am as good as i can be to this little bastard and all he does is scream and destroy things and climb where he shouldn’t #he thinks going UP NEAR THE CEILING FAN IS A GREAT WAY TO GET MY ATTENTION #YEAH BUT NOW IM SCARED AND MAD MARVIN #and he ALWAYS does this shit when i NEED to sleep.. #and the times where he just reeeaaally wants me to scrunch him on the rug??? #first of all FUCK YOU for ONLY liking to be pet in this one particular spot of the house #i literally cannot be on my knees there all the time iT HURTS ME #secondly ??!? do i fucking do this to you when YOU are sleeping??? i think the FUCk not #ahHHHHHH #shit man fuck #shut up ashwyn #the thing i hate most about it is how i HAVE to pet him or he wont stop #but he makes me SO f C ing angry that im SHAKING and have trouble controling my strength #so im pissed off and frantic and at the same time terrified im gonna break his stupid little cat bones with my big dumb human hands #the end result is almost always that i gotta get fUCKEC up high and cry into my pillow until i can pass out for MAYBE 4 hours before work #and trying not to kms for being rough with this stupid masochistic cat #like its well established he WANTS the nastiest most violent petting sessions u can manage.. but i still feel so guilty #the Anger in ME when it happens is probably the main culprit… #and/or whatever cocktail of mental illness my brain is sloshin aroun in #anyway… sorry.. #i think i will delete this within the hour i just.. im so tired n i needed to get this out of my system..

[el-im]

had a foot out the door before i was stopped again and asked... what the experience of... growing up mixed was “like for me” and i stopped myself from walking out, turned back inside, and gave a very poor answer because i was... uncomfortable. and hadn’t expected the question at all, let alone to be posed so outright. but after i’d made peace with the fact that i wasn’t quite leaving yet and had started leaning on the dining table again, i said the way i figured it, a lot of multiracial people live deliberately. because (at least in my experience) you spend so much time thinking about your place in your own family/your treatment relative to other siblings (i am japanese/white but have half/step siblings that are cuban, black, and white, frequently found that my white sibling was favored by his white parents, my white stepmother, when in the car with her asian child (me) her black child (my sister) and her white child (my brother) that she had ‘robbed the orphanage’ which i mentioned as a joke--and which he found disturbing, and said he wondered why she would say something like that)... i said that all the contemplation you do about yourself/wondering why you don’t ever quite fit in among one side of the family of the other leads to some deep personal reflection, and you emerge out of it with a strong sense of your identity because you have reckoned with both sides independently, and you have found where they converge--because they converge in you. 

anyway. he said that he found a lot of mixed people end up “choosing a side” and it’s been weeks and i keep turning that over in my mind. i am so perturbed by it. i keep thinking. why is it so damn important to you that people know you’re japanese. why do you feel the need to bring it up or to talk about it. and i know in part it’s because i have never felt asian enough, and living with my grandmother and kyoko has only dug that trench in further because they refer to my mom/me as ‘americans’ even though they’ve been a citizen and a permanent resident respectively since before my mom was even born... but the complex re-materializes everywhere. i feel disconnected from my culture, but have no family to speak of anymore aside from the asian side. but it just. eats away at me. am i choosing? am i trying to choose? though i know that i can’t get away with choosing, because i don’t look enough like my grandma--like my mom. i’m not enough for them, not enough for the other side of the family. 

#i always think 'oh yeah i've dealt with that' but there is a five year old kid incarnation of myself who still lives in me and is terrified #and lonely #captain's log #and on that note it is nine thirty and i am going to bed ok goodnight #ive got to stop speaking to new people bc they say one thing and im floating off tether for weeks #AHHHH #ok seriously im taking a shower and going to bed ive had enough of today

[applecherry108]

I found my old (privated) YouTube videos that I made in high school.

How in gods name did no one ever realize I was autistic. 😭😭😂

Update: I have video fucking evidence from March 17 2009, nearly EXACTLY 14 YEARS AGO, of my dumb adhd ass forgetting what I was saying mid sentence. 🤦‍♀️ I am naming objects. I had to pick up the last object I literally put down and name it again in order to fucking remember what I was saying. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ HOW. HOW DID NO ONE KNOW. 😩

#I….was SO awkward. I’m just filming myself talking for my little deviantart friends and I’m so fucking cringe and nervous #I also can’t tell if it’s the video quality (or if I had my braces still??) but I sound like #*lispy. also it turns out I’ve always fumbled my words. like. always. 😅 #god you can feel the anxiety radiating off of me #also the older and older I get the more terrified I am of how THIN I was as a kid #why was no one concerned that I was very obviously underweight??? #my arms especially like my arms have always been thin but fuck dude. they literally look like they were nothing but skin and bone #AND IM 18 IN THE VIDEO IM WATCHING 😨😨 #god just. everything about my body was so disproportionate like it screams ‘medical condition’ #anyways it’s no shade to baby me (‘baby’ I say about me at 18) she was having fun and having panic attacks #but being medicated and fat is literally so much better it gets better sweetie eat more red meat #apple talks #to the tune of spam #one of these videos I’m 16 and like ??? what’s wrong with my lip?? it looks swollen??? #I think I had braces in that video but I s2g those fuckers fucked up the way I talk in ways I’m still recovering from

[astrxealis]

hozier yoo

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚ #yoo his new songs ... the new ep ..... so good #personal fav is 'all things end' you're so right !!!!! #uhh i am a bit stressed bcs lots of things i gotta do but i'll try my best to manage things well #anyway. HELLO good afternoon !! i hope you all have a lovely day or evening or whatever? :< #also i'm still unsure. bs psych or compsci aaa i like both equally with the cons and pros so it's sucky LMFAO i can't decide #it's funny. i recently got woa i wna go to psych and med etc etc bcs i watched a video and was like i wna help ppl fr #but then the tried out chat gpt bcs my mom and dad mentioned it again and i was curious. ai is absolutely terrifying yet so interesting #there's a bunch of data that goes into that stuff and i've been interested since #i first went to this science museum here in the ph! i really wna go again sometime aaa i miss that place. i still rmbr it #robots are super interesting to me haha sometimes i forget my clubs as a kid were engineering robotics coding related #and only in middle school it turned to. more sporty clubs LMFAO but even then i always preferred tech stuff lol #except i am extremely interested in psych and the like and SCIENCE and RESEARCH and all that but compsci just as much #i am not fond as fond of. chem and bio? bio depends on the specifics of what it is #but then arghhh physics is uh. idk i prefer it actually now that i think abt it LMFAO but math is. smth i love but also it's hard #IDK OKAY i'm still conflicted. uhghm. i love both and both are difficult but i like that lmfaooo #research is smth im interested in a lot and so is data stuff! snd then eventually im interested in either compsci or psych as a career #and both are things im interested in a lot even if i dont end up. going into that career #IDK ANYMORE BYE anyway play gbf and have a lovely weekend

[pepprs]

ykw that was exactly the thing i was vaguing about earlier this morning btw (sorry). since saturday night the whole topic of [pausing here to transform into a hideous beast because of the word my phone was trying to suggest i put after ‘topic of.’ like could this get any more meta and/or disturbing] anyways the whole topic of.. me and how i am or am not situated like.. r*mantically. it’s been multiple times every day since saturday night that it’s come up in posts i see in irl convos in photo memory reminders in shows my family is watching etc. ajd im not like mad at anyone/thing for posting / talking about it it’s just i feel like exploding a little bit between me myself and i that’s all

#purrs #i know i am 23 years old and i have a lot of life left ahead of me. but i think it’s just hard because im almost always the least #experienced / most sheltered person in the room. and some of that isn’t my fault bc it’s a product of 💖generational trauma💖 but some of it i #is ithink. im skittish like a horse. i had to cut off my life here when i went abroad and then covid hit and i think i got so used to things #being fucked up and to seeing fewer people that isolation became normal for me and now trying to push myself past that is terrifying and i #get so easily overwhelmed by socializing and i hate it but also that’s everyone rn i guess bc we are living in hell. but im skittish like a #horse. i have damaged friendships with people i really cared about because they told me they liked me and i couldn’t handle that and im #haunted every single day by the thought of how i mishandled things at 17-18 and probably caused certain individuals a lot of pain that they #may still be feeling and i want to apologize but that might only make it worse so i never can. and ofc like im jealous and insecure bc ive n #never even been like.. idk. the closest i ever got to being in a relationship was w one of those ppl and i ran away at the point that we rec #reciprocated and i just feel stupid and defective and i hate that if i had to do it all over again i would probably do the same thing. #ive grown a lot emotionally in the last 5 years but im still so like… weak in some ways and there’s common sense / natural compassion things #that i can sense Wojld make sense to do but i just can’t. i am not a good friend or family member right now and so how on earth could i ever #be a good partner to someone. but also uhmmmmmmmmmmmmm life is very very hard to do alone and i would like to not do it alone. and i know #there’s hope but i also like. can’t handle it. idk. it’s a mess and im just depressed about it so hopefully talking about it candidly will b #be enough to like.. eliminate the possibility of it coming up again bc it’s hard enough when im not thinking about it it’s even harder when #there are signs and reminders everywhere that i am young and inexperienced and feeling cringefail misery and doom and jealousy about it #delete later #its also fucking insane bc you grow up and realize what you’ve been missing out on bc you were a kid and it’s like how do i even get there a #and then the older adults you live with and interact with regularly rub it in your face both intentionally and unintentionally and sometimes #without malice but it’s still like… can there please not be about 15 examples of the exact thing i want that are unavoidable and inescapable #at al times by virtue of my life situation rn. in the back of my mind there is always a thread agitated by that and it sucks

[hella1975]

Hi hella! I love love your writing and have done so for years and liked your posts but above all else I am a social media lurker at heart. But I wanted to tell you that following you for so long I’ve seen you go off to college and strike out on your own. Your self reflection and how you move through your life is so inspiring. I feel like your proud distant auntie sometimes cheering you on from afar. Growing up and going through school and into your adulthood is so confusing and frustrating and depressing sometimes but I’m a bit on the other side now and can tell you you’re doing so well. Absolutely killing it and it’s a privilege to read about. Your openness often has me reflect on my own life! I appreciate you bestie 🫶

reading this was genuinely so emotional BESTIE WHAT THE HELL

#IN THE BEST WAY POSSIBLE I PROMISE I MEAN THIS IN THE MOST POSITIVE OF WAYS #because it just made me really reflective ig? like so much of my life and so many of my issues surround this huge isolation #either ive been made to feel isolated or ive used isolation as a coping mechanism or even that i romanticised my own capacity for it #but regardless i have a really rigid acceptance that im on my own through life #and as a kid that was terrifying and was probably what got me in my head so much #like staring at the enormity of it all and going 'i am alone. i am a singular vessel whose intricacies are inaccessible to anyone else' #and that is TERRIFYING. and yes while it will always be true to an extent ive realised it doesnt have to be entirely #you can share yourself with others and find love in that and friendships and it's taken me years but this year more than any #i feel like ive finally come out of a very long dark tunnel and no one else around me has any idea that any of this is a big deal to me #bc they never had any idea what i was going through #but like?? at some point or another you guys started tagging along and i overshared a shit ton lmao #and a lot of you have been here for YEARS and like. wtf you're RIGHT ive taken you guys along with me for everything #my sexuality crisis my writing journey getting a new job starting uni going into second year making and losing friendships #testing out romance listening to music watching new shows. like every part of myself that's too small and silly to share irl is something #i tell you guys without a second thought like i started this when i was SEVENTEEN and now im twenty you guys have acc watched me grow #im so emotional over this esp bc lately ive focussed mainly on the DOWNSIDES of me being online in these years #idk i needed this more than you know bestie tysm for sticking by my side and same for the rest of you <3 ily ily ily #ask

[arthur-r]

hi how is everybody doing??

#im ok im a little bit terrified about how i’m graduating in a couple seconds #by which i mean months but it feels that way #and like hooray i get to move away and be transgender and study history and help people and everything i’ve always wanted to do #but also. the kids in my graduating class. i dont know all of them. a lot of them hate me. but at least they’ve been familiar faces #and the idea of going away to a college where nobody knows my name is kind of terrifying #like i know the entire point is to reinvent myself. but isn’t that scary?? i’m going to become somebody new and that terrifies me #anyway i’m so normal regular. in other news i’m about to have a cranberry orange muffin. so wish me luck with that #anyway there’s this girl i kind of like and i kind of wanted to say something but now it’s kind of pointless #she’s going to the u of m. i’m going to wisconsin. that’s just the end of the road isn’t it?? #nothing is strong enough to say anything. but the problem is it’s like this in high school and i go to college and reinvent myself #then what?? i leave college and reinvent myself again!!!! get a masters reinvent myself again!! move towns reinvent myself again!! #struck by the realization that nothing in life is ever permanent except for death. how terrifying is that #anyway i am so normal and regular and cool and good feeling. everything will really truly be okay it’s just #idk. it’s weird being at this stage in my life. didn’t mean to ramble on like that though #so anyway i hope you all are well and would love to know how you are doing. other than this stuff i’m just hanging out #sending all the love to my senior friends who are in this predicament. and my junior friends who aren’t here yet. and whoever else shdhdf #but especially my friends who are my age or like a year older who are in this same kind of soon-to-be-overwritten high school experience #wish you the best of luck finishing and starting over. and try not to take it as seriously as i’m doing its probably not that bad rationally #and so anyway i hope you are doing well and let me know how you’ve been!! hope everybody is okay #ask to tag idk if this was vent territory but it was like. kinda nearly. i can tag with whatever #me. my post. mine. #college talk #(sorry!!) #delete later

[chiisana-lion]

hm

#dunno what caused this but ive just been getting really scared and stupidly worried lately #sometimes i think about how i could lose someone at any moment and i might not even know #just stuck there waiting for some kind of answer for someone who wont and cant come back #and it really. terrifies me #my friends are everyhing to me and i just want them all to be okay always #and especially my best friend. if anything were to happen to him i really dont know what i'd do #i tell him and everyone else how much i love them all the time every time i can because what if they were to disappear and leave one day #and we didnt really leave off on a good note #not like i think that might happen anytime soon but just. what if #i love my friends. so much. i cant even put into words how much they mean to me and how theyve helped me get through this hell ive been #going through these past couple of years or so #maybe im annoying and talkative and sensitive and stuff. but the fact thwy still somehow like me the same is really #dunno man in elementary & middle school i lived shamelessly and yet im sure that for every friend i had there was like 5 kids who hated me #and towards high school i essentially was constantly on edge making sure i dont cause trouble for anyone because hey why should i bother #when none of them would really see me for me. just that quiet kid who draws in the corner and doesnt particularly fit in #the novelty of having a new kid transfer in lasted for like a month tops that time when everyone realized i was actually boring as hell #not into celebrities dont listen to mainstream music not interested in guy talk etc etc #i did meet a couple kids with similar interests at some point but im sure they were more casual fans and not absolutely obsessed as i am #and i feel like my sudden energy when talking about it and running my mouth w that topic kinda put them off #so i just. keep everything to myself #so really finding people who actually do like me and enjoy my rambles and i can hwar then ramble in return #and play games or talk abt our silly blorbos with is just. damn this is way more than i deserve isnt it #and i really feel like that could all just. fall apart at some point #and thats the last thing i want #but honestly #i dont mind if they grew to hate me. ill still love them nonetheless. just please dont leave me behind i cant go through that again #might delete this later im just kind of. yeah #sorry to anyone who reads this im kind of going through it

[chazz-is-a-zelda-fan]

everyone shut up i’m thinking of them as Taylor lyrics again

i am so fuckinh WHIPPED for them jesus christ i didn’t know i loved them this much… shfhsjjfjsjfksjkfkakr AAAAAAA

NO BECAUSE LIKE WE WERE ON A CALL WHILE I WAS DYING MY HAIR AND THEY SOUNDED SO SOFT AND TIRED I JUST WANTED TO TOSS A BLANKET OVER THEM AND CUDDLE AND SHDBSJFJSKKDMS FUCK I HATE LIVING IN A DIFFERENT STATE FROM THEM :((

mx i know you’ll never see this but ilysm <3 ik we’re not a couple but i adore you sm you really should have me as your bf 🙄/lh

#AND THE VOICES THAT IMPLORE YOU SHOULD BE DOING MORE #TO YOU I CAN ADMIT THAT IM JUST TOO SOFT FOR ALL OF IT #EVERYBODY WANTS YOU EVERYBODY WONDERS WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO LOVE YOU #*SCREAMS* WHAT MUST IT BE LIKE TO GROW UP THAT BEAUTIFUL #WITH YOUR HAIR FALLING INTO PLACE LIKE DOMINOES #IM SO TERRIFIED OF IF YOU EVER WALK AWAY I’D NEVER WALK CORNELIA STREET AGAIN #IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT YOUR EYES SO GREEN AND I KNOW FOR YOU ITS ALWAYS ME #ISNT IT JUST SO PRETTY TO THINK ALL ALONG THERE WAS SOME INVISIBLE STRING #TYING YOU TO ME #WHAT IF I TOLD YOU I’M A MASTERMIND AND NOW YOU’RE MINE #IVE LOVED YOU 3 SUMMERS NOW HONEY BUT I WANT EM ALL #WHEREVER YOU STRAY I FOLLOW IM BEGGING FOR YOU TO TAKE MY HANDS WRECK MY PLANS THATS MY MAN #AND YOU THROW YOUR HEAD BACK LAUGHING LIKE A LITTLE KID I THINK ITS STRANGE THAT YOU THINK IM FUNNY CUS #HE NEVER DID IVE BEEN SPENDING THE PAST 8 MONTHS THINKIN ALL LOVE EVER DOES #IS BREAK AND BURN AND END! BUT IN A WEDNESDAY IN A CAFE #I WATCHED IT BEGIN AGAIN #i am so fucking IN LOVE WITH THEM AAAAAAAA #mech’s being an idiot again #taylor swift lyrics

[watch-out-it-bites]

agh...

#don't let them see this! #i really hate spending time with family #itll always end up with someone mad and its usually her #atleast nan is gone but?? agh #it still sucks just not as much #i understand why shes irritated!! but shes so scary #i really am happy nans gone she was terrifying #i hated having to keep her secrets and deal with the awful stuff #and since shes gone theres not as much yelling or threats or bad stuff #however i have #very much noticed that she has a bit of a shopping addiction and so did nan and agh #shes been buying random things and it's been cluttering the house a bit #she says 'oh ill stop buying stuff tommorow' and then shes like 'ok but i just aaw this great deal-' like No Youre Just Like Nan #im still very bitter over nan selling some of my clothes and agh #i really hate going out with family #she really shouldnt have had more kids #i love my lil sibs!! i really do !! they're just. #a lot.

[the-cooler-king]

breaking news: i asked my crush about his baby mom, and gave him the option to not answer. Shockingly he chose not to answer and I havent heard from him since

#It wasn't an overly intrusive question. Just like. Does she do anything with their kid #He's always doing stuff with his kids but I never hear about her specifically #Even the other baby mom does stuff with their son. He also doesn't talk about her #I am so interested in this backstory and he is so terrified to tell me about it I can feel it #It's alright... I can be patient sometimes. This is such an occassion #I dont want him to think im upset that he doesn't talk about it bc im not! I gave you an option and you sure chose one of two lol #You should always have the option to bail. Even if its just a question you don't know how to answer #Maybe he doesn't want to talk badly about her with me. Maybe he doesn't have anything bad *to* say #I have a feeling that he wants it to work with her but he can't understand why it wont #And im like dude it is *so clear* to me. I can tell you exactly what went wrong #But it feels condescending coming from me or through text. And I dont want him to feel like im judging him #Alternatively? I dont know if I could bring myself to tell him about. The bad stuff #If he asked I guess I'd figure it out but he doesn't ask. I dont know yet if that's good or bad.

[kuiinncedes]

hdgjkd

#hmm lol going back to my old piano school's concert this weekend #ready to see all these kids making music together and be sad abt my life LMFAO #not ready . but it's fine nfdjgnkdsf #maybe this will push me to play piano again :| #bro when they emailed alumni asking them to come back im like idk if u meant me who hasn't touched piano in monthsss :DDD #and who isn't going anywhere / doing shit w her life lmao #but here i come anyway lmfao #nah bc i just looked at the instagram of one of the kids/alumni who is like semi slightly famous and actually making music #which is super cool and like so good for her #i'm just like . sad and unmotivated and jealous XD #i won their silly little mvp 'award' one yr for this concert .... bro all i did was come and play my silly lil piano on a few songs #and literally not talk to anyone bc i was terrified of talking to ppl TT #and they said mvp she doesn't say much but she leads by example LMFAO it's always that #i am slightly less terrified of talking to ppl now so growth ig lmao #i am significantly less terrified of talking to ppl now actually . still slightly terrified but the growth is real lolll #we'll see if i see anyone i know :'') old teachers rly #or bc other kids parents used to recognize me / talk to me and i felt so awkward lmao TT #my last piano teacher recently follow requested me on ig lmaoooo and then i accepted and requested her back and no response 🤨 #i'm sure she doesn't rly look at ig tho lol #anyway if i run into her and shes like hows piano going or anything and im like haha ha haha haha hahaha so like #school happened #anyway :') basically ready to feel awkward also if they do like call the alumni in the audience up on stage like they said they might TT #like i know i am alumni and i am supposed to do that but also i will feel awkward as fuck broooofjgsdhfbgdfk why lmao #damn anyway let's see what happens #i am looking forward to it tho i just need to not overthink fucking everything like i always do lolll #jeanne talks