#im literally so mad i havent watched these movies til now!!! i love it!!!

[autisticpika]

"you had coffee today, didnt you stitch..." GOD me too

#stitchposting #im literally so mad i havent watched these movies til now!!! i love it!!!

[cleohn]

﹤𝚂𝙾𝙽 𝙽𝙰𝙴𝚄𝙽, 𝚂𝙷𝙴 / 𝙷𝙴𝚁, 𝙲𝙸𝚂 𝙵𝙴𝙼𝙰𝙻𝙴﹥; * - hello CLEO AHN. long time no see. i know a lot about you. like how you're TWENTY THREE, how you're a DANCE major,  and in fact.. how you BURNED DOWN YOUR FAMILY ESTATE FOR THE INSURANCE MONEY, ACCIDENTALLY KILLING A TV REPAIR MAN THAT WAS INSIDE. would be a shame if it got out, wouldn't it ? so let's play a game. 𝚃𝚁𝚄𝚃𝙷 𝙾𝚁 𝙳𝙰𝚁𝙴 ?

ahhh shit here we go again ... clown town ...... 

BACKSTORY

old money baby !! for those of u who have seen gossip girl …. u know nates grandpa …. the vanderbuilts…. thats her mom’s side of the family JSBDJWBJWD those of u who havent all u gotta know is that her grandpa (mom’s dad) is this super rich very old fashioned family oriented man -__-  he had 4 sons and 1 daughter (cleo’s mom) and very obviously favored his sons 

anyway he was always super hard on cleo’s mom !! very controlling of her life, very judgmental abt her choices, even though cleo’s mom was super desperate for his approval so she …. kinda revolved her life around what he wanted for her but it was never good enough </3 her mom literally married a doctor just to make this dumb old man happy and he was like ok hes not a surgeon though so … 

anyway cleo watched all this as she grew up and she was .. come se dice NOT happy abt it !! she was always super close and protective of her mom (not really close to her dad that much considering her mom really only married him for approval and safety) and she was always trying to get her mom to be like fuck the family !!! but her mom never did

and cleo’s grandpa never lightened up even as he got older … which was starting to give cleo some anxiety bc he was bound to die sooner or later and she was super nervous he was gonna be stingy abt his money and divide it unfairly giving more to his sons and very little to his daughter even though his daughter did everything this man wanted !!

so cleo started scheming….bc shes always been the type to be self sufficient like when she wants things to get done ? shes gonna do it herself ! she doesnt wait around for stuff to just fall into place also shes kinda impatient aha so she wasnt abt to just WAIT for her grandpa to die and see what his will said….

her first plan was just to steal the will. but then she was like ok not thinking big enough…..how can i make sure we get our money……then it all clicked. their family estate ….this old ass mansion…..where the whole family gathers for thanksgiving and christmas and her grandpa’s bday….she was gonna stage a little accident x

she was eighteen when she burned that baby to the ground ! she was methodical abt it like she did her research on their insurance plan, on how that money would be divided equally among the family automatically bc they were all listed as owners, she even looked up how to set the fire and where so it would look like an accident and not like an intentional burning….

cleo did all that and yet she failed to realize that their was a tv repair guy coming over to fix a problem with the wifi that day /: the worst part is she didnt even find out she accidentally killed someone bc there were no reports abt it like all the headlines mentioned was how this family estate that had stood for generations had tragically burned down </3

so cleo went off to college, majored in dance despite her grandpa pushing for all his grandchildren to have practical majors bc she refuses to bend to his will the way her mom did, and all was well…..for the first two years.

then comes christmas of her junior year of college where her grandpa gets too drunk and lets it slip he’d covered up a DEATH the day of the fire. cleo was like im sorry can u repeat that…and he lets the family know that there was a repair guy inside the house when it went up in flames and that he paid off the police in order to avoid being sued by the dead man’s family since all the reports were saying the estate had outdated electrical and thats why it caught fire

thats when cleo realized she fucked up <3 not only did she burn down their estate she also KILLED A MAN and it’s her fault it got covered up and that his family will never get closure bc she made it look like the estate had fucked up electrical when she set the fire in order to be able to get the insurance money 

so that was really fun for her junior and senior year have been so great for her <3 shes great <3 JSDBWBDJWBDJW

ok now moving to personality..

PERSONALITY AND TIDBITS 

cleo’s super protective over the ppl she loves (like her mom) and can be loyal to a fault !! will go to extremes to protect those she really cares about (like burning the estate down aha) but the second u cross her shes not quick to forgive and she will hold a grudge til the day she dies /: 

shes stubborn like super stubborn….the type of person that u cant force to do anything or change their opinion abt anything like if its not her choice ? shes not gonna do it JSBDWBDWBDJ has a tendency to not want to admit when she fucks up bc she’s a high key perfectionist so when she does fuck up shes like ok cool i’ll just die do not even look at me dont even talk about it

kinda over caring about what kind of an impression she gives off. like there are probably lots of people who when they first met her thought she was a bitch bc she likes to mind her business and can act kinda dry when she doesnt know you but cleo would just let them keep thinking that forever shes not here to change ppls minds 

if u do take the time to get to know her though ur gonna realize shes a lot nicer than she looks JSDBWBDBWJ and a lot less stuck up than u would think someone who comes from so much money would be. she never got the chance to develop into a spoiled brat since she was the black sheep of all her cousins <3 thank u grandpa 

speaking of being the black sheep. JDBWJBDJWBD she will take….any opportunity these days to piss her grandfather off. has a tendency to pull of crazy stunts like get herself arrested on a public nudity charge or order cases of dom perignon and have them delivered to the dining hall just bc she can. most of the time when ppl hear abt the things she does they dont believe cleo would have actually done something like that bc she really does not have a wild child vibe about her …. at all 

and shes not one JSBDWBDWJ like she parties a normal amount. if u ever see her doing something crazy 99% of the time she’s doing it to make someone mad or doing it because someone told her not to, and then the other 1% of the time shes doing it to cope with the fact that shes a murderer JSBDJWBJDWD

pretty liberal when it comes to sex but shes also not the type to always put her business out there. if u ask she’ll let u know but thats that ! also not a fan of drama of any sort if she has a problem she’ll let u know & expects others to do the same 

she loves to dance hehe she’s been a ballerina since she was 4 (it was the one hobby her mom made her do that actually stuck) and thats really like…..her true source of joy shes never happier than she is when shes dancing <3 literally does not care when ppl ask her wtf shes gonna do with that bc shes having fun babey and shes got money she doesnt need a real degree….. JSBDWBDWJDWJ

she looooves to dress nice. if ur chara dresses sloppy or ugly shes gonna buy them a designer fit and ask that they wear it just so things can look aesthetically pleasing JSBDJWBDBWJDBJWBDJWBJ she loves her aesthetics….probably a bitch that has a bullet journal and actually keeps up with it 

loves to karaoke but she only ever sings 80′s songs and shes gotta be wasted first … a cat person !! but tries to make exceptions for the sake of everyone else… allergic to peanuts like deadly allergic she will die…coffee addict but she pretends to be a tea person just so she can post those cute pics on insta but then every time she makes tea shes like this shits nasty…loves rom coms she will defend rom coms and claim they are the superior movie genre til the day she dies if u even mention tarantino she will kill u on sight…..idk what else to say im running out of juice this is the end x pls plot x

#tags under co im not prepared so what so what... #error.intro

[s3venpounds]

1-102

102 questions? damn thats gonna be tough my guy but aight

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

i do. at least, i trust in them enough to not take the phrase lightly.

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?

considering im 22 thats not that huge of a gap, considering some people have like a 10 year difference. so yeah i guess

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?

pretty recently actually, went to a birthday party of an acquaintance and i didn’t really enjoy myself til i went to sing karaoke but my drunk friend was being hella annoying at the same time

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?

i do that on the daily so yeah

5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

i mean probably, humans can’t do ANYTHING without having both a positive and negative influence

6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?

yeah Spire- Reverie( feat FAWNA) that song was sent by said friend that i got reminded of =]

7. What exactly are you wearing right now?

red plaid boyfriend style shirt, pepperoni pizza print socks, superman boxers and some athletic shorts with my highschools logo and colors 

8. How often do you listen to music?

whenever im not talking to someone, playing games, or in a serious atmosphere

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?

sweats after wearing sweats style pants for so long its hard to go back to my skinny jeans

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2013?

considering its 2017 and literally nothing happened in 2013 but my graduation then no

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?

both? i think im one of those things you call an ambivert.

12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’? 

yeah and he was way too timid about it man like ‘s just a kiss

13. What about ‘R’?

nope all my friends with an r name arent close enough for me to try that shit

14. Can you drive a stick shift?

nope would love to learn though

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?

yep. mostly so i know where to tweak my personality so i can improve as a person i guess but yeah i tend to get paranoid

16. Are you going out of town soon?

not to my knowledge no, but it wouldnt be the first time my parents pull out “surprise” plane tickets to go somewhere i didn’t want to and on such short notice

17. When was the last time you cried?

mmmmmm can’t remember, so its not in the past 6 months or so

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?

yeah, went downhill afterwards

19. If you could change your eye color, would you?

blue or purple if possible thatd be dope

20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?

no not really

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.

how hungry i am and the lack of food

22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?

considering im not gay or at least not confirmed yet, no. 

23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?

dunno, not even sure where we stand

24. What are you sitting on right now?

a folded up blanket and an old office chair

25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?

its not everyday but when i say i love them they say it back so thats nice

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

yep, multiple times. but yknow oh well right? i would rather something be left where it is than go through an extra excruciating chapter of hurt just because i fell in love with someone i barely knew

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

A.T

28. Do you get a lot of colds?

nope infact the last time i got sick was 2 years ago i believe

29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?

blue notes, it was on sale and it WAS really soft not its just eh soft

30. Does anyone hate you?

HAHAHHAA yeah. one of my friends confirmed it too still do i think

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?

why would i hide them.. these questions were clearly made for someone under 18 and i apologize for reblogging without reading them

32. Do you like watching scary movies?

FUCK.NO.FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME WATCH THEM AND FUCK YOU FOR BRINGING THEM NEAR ME

33. Do you want your tongue pierced?

nah sounds like too much maitenence

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?

my first year. erase my existence. nah im kidding i would probs delete last year or the year before that anywhere in that time frame

35. Did you have a dream last night?

nope sadly =[

36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

the day before yesterday we were both v sleepy after movie night

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

nope. marriage is an annoying thing and until i find someone worth all that struggle not gonna happen. but ive got a good feeling about this one

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

considering they said i love you yeah i would hope so

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

that same person also said this a few days ago so yeah i think so

40. Did you have a good day yesterday?

yeah found some old classic songs and got my body groovin that night

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?

nope 

42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?

nope

43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

no… and now i feel a little sad

44. What’s the best part about school?

when all ur friends did something amazing yesterday and they talk about it with u all excited and shit

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?

yep , some are really cringe worthy 

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?

nope i just texted notes were too hard to pass without getting caught

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

yeah a lot to the point im almost there

48. Were you single over the last summer?

yep

49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?

yeah a little

50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?

chores, usual adult things, maybe cooking

51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?

nah i dont hate him, maybe not on the best terms with em but yeah

52. Are you nice to everyone?

nope there are some people that just rub me the wrong way

53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

yeah 100%

54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

are you serious? 6 months? thats so short, how the hell anyone falters at that point? i expect people to start cheating ATLEAST at the 1 year mark 

55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

not very to be honest. i wear my heart on my sleeve as a friend says.

56. Do you think you like someone?

yeah i think i do

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?

no…….?

58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?

boys are fun for mindless fun but girls are more for sentimental stuff. both are equally nice to be around

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?

yeah tequila is a bitch

60. Do you hate anyone?

yep! same person who hates me!

61. How’s your heart?

like spiritually or like physically. havent gotten a medical check up so dunno, and spiritually? its being taken care of so thats nice

62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

yep! and i refuse to talk about it =]

63. Have you ever cried over a guy?

nope never

64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?

person who hates me HEH maybe even my best friend but in an endearing way like “ this fucking bitch decided to snort fucking fundip hes my friend but god damn hes a fucking dumbass”

65. Are your toenails painted pink?

nope i wouldnt mind painting em tho

66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?

probably i make a lot of them

67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?

they better not. youre a shitty person for pushing someone to that point. 

68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?

yeah, sometimes on purpose sometimes on accident, sometimes cuz i wanted to

69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

A.T

70. How do you look right now?

like shite mate i havent showered yet

71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?

yeah Justin HEH

72. Can you commit to one person?

i damn hope so otherwise life is gonna be hella lonely

73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

yeah! 

74. Have you ever felt replaced?

yep. multiple times too

75. Did you wake up cranky?

nope woke up horny. thats what happens with morning wood

76. Are you a jealous person?

yeah, the more amazing someone is the more jealous i get

77. Are relationships ever worth it?

i wanna say yes so yall dont shy away from them but like real talk its fucking aggravating, a lot of work, and tiring sometimes. anyone who says otherwise is glossing over shit or hasn’t seen the whole spectrum yet

78. Anyone you’re giving up on?

yeah about 98% done too

79. Currently wanting to see anyone?

yeah 

80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?

the same tiring shit as everyday pinky try and take over the world

81. Last person you cried in front of?

justin

82. Is there someone you will never forget?

Azley.

83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?

considering they stayed up with me while i was hitting an emotional low yeah i would think so

84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?

cuddling, probably freaking out that we’re physically right in front of each other

85. Are you over your past?

nah, i like my past as shitty, cringy and heartbreaking as it is i love it

86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?

yeah isnt that how relationships happen….?

87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?

yeah justin

88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

yeah i’d accept it, then close the door.

89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?

yeah cuz its fucking cold outside my dood, here lemme get some tea or some shit youre probs freezing

90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

honestly yeah i once had this really spotty conversation with a girl literally everyone in the school hated at the time. then i realized wow, im just horny and have no substantial feelings for this person and if i do go through with this i will regret it

91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?

i dont know i dont like to think very far

92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?

yeah he grew out his hair like that annoying french kid in the will smith movie hitchcock that kept calling him  le petite asshole

93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?

nope

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?

nope 

95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?

nope HAH

96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?

considering the last person was my brother fuck no. hes ugly as all hell

97. Who do you have texts from?

uhh, my brother, my best friend, my brother in law, my phone company, and a close friend

98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? i would cheer em on while i get fetch the crown royal hidden in the back of the pantry

99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

yeah not that much different from anyone else really

100. Who’s in your profile picture with you? 

no one unless you mean the person who took the photo then my cousin

101. Ever kissed under fireworks?

no, and i dont plan to now. i hate them.

102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?

yes.

overall this shit has gotten my mood a little low so if yall excuse me im gonna mentally drown in music

#ask me shit

[crimsoncoatedconscience]

` they say there's a fine line between love and hate, and they're right -- you're on that side ( l o v e ) and i'm on this one ( h a t e ) ,

movie therapists tell all the sad and hate-filled main characters to write down their feelings in letters, or journals, because it'll "help." i really don't think it will, but that's more because at this point i don't think ANYTHING will help me. but if there's even the slightest chance...you should, right? i know that's what some people would say.

dear yura-noona,

you're literally the shittiest sister someone could ever have, and i hate you. i guess that's not what little brothers are supposed to say to their sisters, but. there you have it. you're a piece of shit, and sometimes i wish you were dead--or better yet, never born.

but at the same time...i really dont. i dont wish you were dead. i dont wish that you were never born. i dont hate you. not at all. and i hate THAT. i still remember hiding from mom together under your ugly barbie blankets, i still remember that time you played doctor and helped me when dad went a little overboard. i still remember singing to the few disney movies we had, and watching all your bad tv dramas.

i'm not saying everything was perfect, because it wasn't. you hit me almost as much as mom did, and we screamed at each other more than we talked normally, and i still remember when you threw my toys into the fireplace and lied to dad's face just so that he'd hit me instead of you.

it wasn't great before high school, but it wasn't the worst either. and then you did some really bad things to me in first year. things that i didn't realize were as bad as they were, until i got some...better people in my life.

...you and your "girls." ...they still give me nightmares, sometimes, when i can actually sleep. and it all only gets worse when i see your face on the news sometimes, but despite everything...im not mad. i dont hate you like i should. and i watch til the end of the broadcast, every time, just to be sure you're okay.

because you know...i get now, that it's not you. that it's mom, that it's dad. and you were just doing what you had to, to save yourself. and now that im...in a better place i guess, i realize just how shitty that is, but i'd have probably done the same. so i can't blame you.

and i dont hate you. i HATE that i dont hate you, and i hate that i still worry about you.

i hate MYSELF because i still love you,

- chanyeol

dear baechu,

i still can't believe how much i fuckin miss you. i don't think youre supposed to write to dead people, like im pretty sure thats bad and weird but i just. there's so many feelings, and this is supposed to be an outlet, and if you were here right now, i. i dont even know what i'd say. i think about it a lot--what id say if i woke up one day and you werent actually gone, and everything was okay again. because its not even close to okay right now, and i dont think it ever will be again, but...but im trying. because. because "take care?" was one of the last things you said to me, and its one of the only things that stops me when i get...bad. and then i think of that, but it just makes me so sad i actually want to die, but i CANT. ...i wont.

and if you were here again, id tell you that i hate how much power you still have over me, even if youre not here, and-- no. no i wouldnt. id tell you how sorry i am that im a piece of shit, and that im sorry you ever got involved with me in the first place, and that im sorry you suffered so much because of me. id tell you how sorry i am that i got you KILLED. that i couldn't help you because i was fucking LATE . AGAIN.

and id apologize for being the absolute shittiest oppa on the planet, and for just...everything. im still sorry i kept you waiting at graduation. i bet you looked wonderful, before all your flowers wilted, and you got upset because i didnt remember until several hours after the fact. im sorry you never made it very far into college, or pursued any of your dreams. im sorry that it was because of me, and that i took your whole life away. im sorry that you never got to do what you wanted, and that its because i had a few shots too many and spent too long falling on my ass in the crowd while they were MURDERING you.

im sorry that i was just that much too late one too many times, and i HATE that youre dead because of that. if i hadnt been drinking, or gone out at all, youd still be here, trying to get me to wear nicer shoes, and be more polite, instead of in the cemetery, and im just--im so sorry.

i still love you more than you probably ever knew, and i dont know the words to express how sorry i still am that i killed you and how much i HATE M Y S E L F for it.

- with love, chanyeol

dear zitao,

i actually dont know what to say. i think youre a pretty awful person--maybe worse than me, and im not sorry that youre dead. im only sorry i spent so long on you when i dont think you really deserved it, and im sorry about how much pain you ve caused sehun and im angry actually that you just went and got yourself killed after ruining everything--ruining ME. ruining sehun--one of the only people breathing on this earth that means anything to me.

but more than that, i hate MYSELF for getting involved with you and not getting out sooner, and ruining my relationship with yura-noona--the only person from my family that actually matters to me.

now that the shock is gone, the hurt gone, and now that im thinking clearer because i have to be sober, because you fucked EvERYTHING up im not sad anymore. im not upset. not that you're dead--only that your death caused sehun more pain than it had any right to and he almost DIED because of it.

and i guess more than any of THAT, i hate MYSELF for introducing sehun to you, and bringing you home, and into our lives and i hate that if it wasn't for that, sehun wouldn't have tried to kill himself.

sometimes i wish i'd never actually met you. so many things would be better, but even still.

i hate myself because i miss you.

- cànliè

p.s. im also sorry for all the times I hurt YOU and all the pain i caused--without thinking about it, and intentional. im sorry that you suffered because of me, and im sorry that i made everything as shitty as possible for a long time before i pulled my head out of my ass. im sorry that you were miserable enough with me to go to others for basic things like comfort or sex, and i hate myself because I did that to YOU.

and i hate that if your father hadn't come and murdered you because of reasons i still don't really understand, that you'd have probably killed yourself because of me anyway. so im sorry. i hate that im sorry, and i hate that any of this ever happened at all.

and i hate myself because maybe i'm the shittier person and you didn't deserve anything that happened to you after all.

dear sehun,

i dont even know where to start. im sorry that im an awful hyung and im so so thankful that you're still alive and here with me, and im sorry that you've had to suffer so much for me. when we were younger, i didnt realize just how much you would come to mean to me through the years--i didnt know that standing up for one scrawny kid and scaring the bullies off would lead to what we have today. and im not even sure what it is--its more than friendship, but i cant say you feel like family because my family is...well, you know. that's why you're here, with me. rather than with yura-noona.

and even if it left me with a scar, and even if it's what led to the start of everything going bad with her, and my parents--well, more than it already was--i dont regret saving you from her. part of me thinks i should. part of me thinks it was really stupid. i didnt know you. all i knew was that you were kinda lame, and couldn't take a hit for shit, and that you seemed like a nice kid, and i still have no idea why i went against the only person at the time that meant anything to me--the only one that was kinda on my side, sometimes--just to help get you out, but. i'm glad i did.

i don't know what i'd do without you. we have our moments, sure, but you help keep me grounded, keep me sane...keep me alive. sehun i cant even count the number of times i wanted to just end it all, and didn't because of you.

because you believe in me. you trust me, even after i failed you too many times to keep track of. you're there for me, and im sorry that i'm not always there for you. im sorry that i dont give you 100% like you give me, and i'm sorry that i dont always notice things, and that i'm the shittest hyung you could ever get stuck with IM SORRY.

...im sorry that i was almost too late to save you when you...yeah. i'm sorry i wasn't there sooner. i'm sorry that it happened because i ...brought zitao home,a nd got us into this mess in the first place. i'm sorry that i couldn't do better for you, that i cANT do better for you, and im sorry that you're stuck with me, and all of the pain that comes with me.

im sorry that i've failed you so many times, and im sorry that i've broken almost every promise i've ever made, and that i can't always keep you safe, or happy, and i'm sorry that i'm not superman, and i HATE that i can't be.

you're the best thing that's ever happened to me sehun, and im sorry and i hate myself because i must be the opposite for you. im really trying harder to be the person you make me out to be, and i hate that i can't achieve it. im sorry.

- chanyeol

dear joohyun-noona,

im sorry that we met the way we did. but im thankful that you helped me, instead of turning me away or leaving me to just...yeah. and i dont have the words but...thank you. without you i'd actually be dead, and even though it hurts and im more ashamed than i know how to say, i'd rather feel that than be, you know..gone. so thank you. thank you.

thank you for believing in me too, and for always saying the nicest things, even though i dont deserve to hear them, and i don't understand how you mean them. i know youre sincere, i just dont know how or WHY. im a monster compared to you, and i dont understand how you havent run screaming yet, or why you insist that im not because i AM and.

and i hate that i can't believe you. i want to noona, i do. but i can't, because there's just so much bad, and so many things i've done wrong, and i just. between stitches and real food and crashing on your couch ive come to love you a lot more than i have any right to, and im sorry that i dont deserve what you give me in return.

im sorry im always a mess, and taking up your time, and getting your clean floors dirty. im sorry that i cling, and break down too often, and i know you say you dont mind but how can you not? i haven't done anything in return except give you headaches, and i hate that.

i hate that you say nice things about me, that you tell me nice things, and make me think that i can be something better than i am, and i hate myself because i can't live up to those standards.

i hate myself even more because i know, if i really tried, i probably could. but im selfish, and there's so many things wrong with me, and so many things ive done WRONG that i dont...i dont deserve for things to get better. i dont deserve to try harder and turn things around, and i dont deserve the good that would come with that.

i dont deserve you at all and i hate myself because i can't let you go.

- chanyeol

dear yongguk-hyung,

i really dont know what to say except im sorry. i know you tried to help me in school and i really do appreciate it. even if it seems like i've thrown away everything you tried to help me with, its not because i hate you or what you tried to teach me. i just. bad things happened, and i hate that everything we did together just...fell away. i dont even know a good phrase for that, because nothing stuck, and im sorry for that too. that im a fuck up and a failure, and i hate myself because all i did was waste your time--time you could have used to make money off of other kids who actually had a future.

im sorry that i couldnt live up to what you wanted, and im sorry that we met again in the way we did, and i hate how awful i've become, and how awkward it is, and i hate that you look at me the way you do, but i dont hate you hyung. i hate ME.

i hate that im worthless, and useless and that i'm the actual biggest screwup ever, and im sorry that i broke the promises i made you. im sorry that i couldnt do better. and im sorry that you have to see me like this now.

every time i see you, the shame and regret and guilt are almost too much for me, and im sorry that it gets in the way of anything you try to say to me now. im sorry that i cant listen like i should, and i hate that i've disappointed you so much. ...and not just in school. or based on how many english words i remembered from our lessons.

im sorry that i'm an embarrassment, and that you have to deal with me again, and im just. so sorry that i didn't live up to your expectations.

i'm sorry that i can't be the person that you wanted me to be, and i hate myself because i still want you to treat me like i am.

- chanyeol

#divrpchanyeol #divgangau #self para hate