#im losing it. my own parents like.

[virsancte]

good days aren't easy to come by

#simblr #ts4 legacy #valentine gen 4 #fun fact for context on why i care so much abt him finally choosing to play the piano on his own #but it's gonna get Long so strap in #basically. the guitar he used to have had been with him since he was like...... my god. probably about 15 #he bought it at a yard sale for pennies from an older woman #it belonged to her late son originally and it wasn't even . supposed to be a part of the sale in the first place. she just took a liking to #devin and figured that really it's better in the hands of someone who would use it than for it to collect dust in her garage forever #and he couldn't really practice at home. his parents... are not exactly the kindest people you've ever seen #he was too afraid of them destroying or throwing it away so he'd sneak off to god knows where and learn how to play it from old #youtube videos on his busted up phone #it quickly became Everything to him. his most prized possession. and it wasn't a shitty guitar either. the son was a professional musician #that's how ellie and devin met in the first place. he was playing at the market she used to sneak out to in the evenings to #and she instantly knew . this boy is going places and really they might as well go together #enough backstory of the backstory. long story short: he was struggling to make rent eventually and was out of vinyls to pawn off #so he had no choice left. it was either that or he'd get kicked out along with his sister. who was still struggling a lot w/ addiction #so he sold it. and it broke him. he's literally just not been the same since losing it #his sister stole him a guitar from a music shop she'd go to sometimes but it just wasn't the same and he had not played an instrument since #until now anyway #still not a guitar. but maybe someday #or he can find his old one and buy it again......... #lmfao if you made it here congrats. you win nothing bc im broke but i do respect you

[hella1975]

11pm in manchester airport plane landed at 10pm after being DELAYED AND ANNOYING AND EVERYTHING WRONG WITH RYANAIR for over an hour. when is my train home from this godforsaken city you ask? 5am. good job im stuck in arrivals where there are no coffee shops or even regular charging ports haha. so glad to be spending the next six hours sat by the squeaky baggage claim machine. thank god my mum was sympathetic about it right haha… right????

#YELLINGGGG GET ME OUTTTT OF HEREEEE #WHAT THE FUCK AM I MEANT TO DO FOR 6 HOURS 😭 #like yeah if i could amble about duty free coffee shops for a bit like i originally planned I’d be golden a bit bored but fine #BUT THIS??? THIS LOOKS LIKE THE BACKROOMS IVE BEEN HERE ONE HOUR AND WANT TO END IT ALL #WHY IS THIS AIRPORT LIKE THIS 😭 MANCHESTER THIS IS WHY NO ONE WANT YOU FR #called my mum like ‘I’m not being dumb right there’s no shops or anything after arrivals it’s just the exit’ #bc if I leave arrivals I am NOT allowed to re-enter so I won’t even get this dogshit area that is at least indoors and covered #so I’m NOT chancing that shit #and she was SO FUCKING UNHELPFULLL she literally was just like ‘I dunno’ & when I complained she went ‘what were you expecting? a hotel?’ #LIKE GIRL THE REASON IM HERE ON MY OWN IS BC THE FRIEND THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO STAY AT THE AIRPORT WITH ME HAD TO MAKE OTHER PLANS #BC HER PARENTS LITERALLY WERENT OKAY WITH HER STAYING HERE FOR SO LONG LIKE THAT #IM LITERALLY A YOUNG GIRL ALONE IN THE AIRPORT FOR THE NEXT 6 HOURS AND NOT EVEN THE PART OF THE AIRPORT YOURE SUPPOSED TO WAIT IN #THAT’S WEIRD. YOU’RE WEIRD #I DO NOT KNOW THIS CITY. LIKE THAT IS AN IMPORTANT DETAIL I DO NOT KNOW MANNY AND IM ALONE AND IT’S NIGHTTIME. WHAT THE FUCK AND HELL #AT LEAST BE FUCKING NICE OH MY GODDD #anyway. just saw a jesus i bet on losing dogs edit. what was that about

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#sorry im thinking abt death again #because it's weird to think that ive been in the room. maybe a meter away from someone as they died #that someone being my mom. its just weird. the time in the hospital feels like it happened in some dark little pocket universe detached from #time. a calm room and then the soft blips of a monitor then the nurse rushing in to say she'd passed #i dont kno y ppl use that phrase: passed on. i mean i do. it softens the topic. makes it sound peaceful. ive yet to use it. i just say she #died bc thats what happened. is that insensitive? i dunno. when i was home i realized that i come off as much stranger than i think. the way #my family see me doesnt fit how i see myself. i dont kno what to do with that. i dunno. theyre all together today #for an early easter. and im halfway across the country again. nose so stuffy ive had to mouth breathe for the last 3 days #and again. everything feels the same as it did before but also profoundly different. sometimes i cry in the mornings. or when i think abt #future vacations she wont be there for. bc in the end she quickly slipped away in a way that couldn't be described as peaceful until her #last half a day. and all i can think about in that tiny room is how scary it would be to lose control like that #and how its not fair and she didnt deserve to die only halfway through a lifetime. but its not about fair and its not about deserving. #sometimes bad things just happen. that's life. and now i own a book called motherless daughters. and now im standing with the countless #others who've lost their moms too early. ive already become aware of 3 ppl in my daily life who are in the same club #i keep thinking about this moment that happened between my parents at the hospital. apparently my dad was helping her get cleaned up and her #stomach was so bloated she looked like she had a bby in there. which my dad said. and my mom apparently said: but it's a baby no one want. i #dont kno y that upsets me so much. all the things i heard abt her being in the hospital before i got there upset me. and the rest of my #family was there to see it. so i have the least traumatic version of the story. and i got almost 27 years with her. except my sisters #probably got more time with her bc i spent so much time away. or maybe not. i dunno. #i dunno. im just sad that shes gone and sad that it was drawn out even a little bit. 6 days isnt long but im sure it felt like an eternity. #again not fair. nothings fair. 53 years of unfairness culminating in a tragedy. she would hate me characterizing it like that. she lived a #full life as they say. full with an asterisk on account of length #unrelated

[theclosetedskeleton]

ONE OF THESE DAYS IM GOING TO FUCKING EXPLODE/NEG

#guys guess who got jumpscared by the kosa bill again (me) #A FEW DAYS????? MY ONLINE PRESENCE IS DETERMINED IN A FEW DAYS???? kms/NSRS #the internet is like a safe haven for me if KOSA passes i may lose my marbles for fucking real #at least i have my qpps phone number #im not losing my qpp regardless of what bills pass #( i say this trying to be hopeful im so scared im gonna lose everything i have on here) #to top it off my ALREADY strict parents literally block so many things from me on their own I DONT NEED THE GOVERNMENT TOO #ive just been so stressed out of my MIND this past week the KOSA bill isnt HELPING. #i read a post abt KOSA a few minutes ago and let me tell you my heart DROPPED #back on the internet save haven place for me thing #it is literally the only place i can express myself like say that im trans because i dont trust anybody else angel emoji #AND ive met some of the most wonderful people on the internet #the fact that it could all be over because some 65 y/o politician says that we need to 'protect the kids' is so fucking messed up #like bitch you KNOW what youre doing you KNOW how bad this is you just want to control kids #into believing stupid things!!! why do you think LGBTQIA and mental health topics are being blocked bc of KOSA!!! #NEWSFLASH!!!! YOU WANNA POUR PROPAGANDA INTO PEOPLES MOUTHS #ughhh #closet rambles again on tumblr

[pepprs]

ok actually yeah. i really need to do dishes and go to bed and not stay up late mentalillnessposting a little too viscerally on tumblr the night before i facilitate a workshop in front of the literal president of the university and the vp of my division (LOL about that btw. actively shitting my pants.) but oh my GOD. so saying goodbye to lia was actually fine in the moment. neither of us cried and we talked about all the ways we’ll still be in each others lives and reasons we’ll have to interact in the near future. and she gave me an extremely heartfelt thoughtful gift and we left on a very hopeful note and i felt better and content bc there’s still the rest-of-life and we’ll see each other there. but like an hour before that as i mentioned i was HYSTERICALLY sobbing. in full view of people i know AND people i don’t. and i just sat there and sobbed while everything carried on around me. everything carried on around me!!! and i feel like im about to sob again thinking about it.

#purrs #delete later #idk. i typed a bunch here and then deleted it and now idk what to say. i just feel so lonely. i have had fucked up relationships with every #single older adult in my life and never had someone who could a) stay in my life b) be consistently present in my life c) meet my emotional #needs d) actually See me and accept me for who i am. Like not one person who can be all four of those things. and i have to be all four of t #those things for myself now because im 24 and i missed my chance. but how fucking shitty and painful is that? especially after a year like t #this. the way it’s literally ending the SAME way last year did. huge scary promotion (which i haven’t even talked about on here or to anyone #but lia today actually. but it might be huger and scarier than i thought. which is good but also HUGE -‘d scary. and not a bad thing of bc o #course but it’s so fucking… perilous? like it makes me feel profoundly imperiled because i have extremely good reason to feel that way. and #i have to endure the mortifying ordeal of applying for my own job AGAIN after the first time was so horrible. lol) and also losing a beloved #mentor figure who understood me in a way no one else did which mattered immensely even if they couldn’t do the whole presence thing or #whatever. and now i only have one older adult in my life left (aside from my therapist who doesn’t really count bc i only see her once a #week and we barely know each other still) who is like. here and helping me and i KNOW i am so sick in the head i KNOW and i should not be #writing it but every single day i am fucking terrified that i am being or will be separated from him emotionally or physically jsut like all #the others so. LOL!!!!! i am normal and well adjusted. but it’s like so fucking painful because im grasping at straws but again the reality #is im 24 and the only people on this earth who it is fair for me to expect all 4 from and who should’ve provided it to me are my parents. #and i missed my chance with them forever and now i have to do it myself. and that’s ok sometimes and i can handle it… except in the moments #where im sobbing hysterically and everything carries on. when i am in my darkest moments i want to run to an older adult and have them #comfort me but i truly cannot do that with any of the ones i still have left / regularly interact with for so many reasons. and it’s so #painful it makes me sick sometimes. and now i have to be the romy and the lia i wish to see in this world. but how can i do that when i #haven’t finished grieving over them leaving which feels like leaving ME — NOW — in this moment when i have never needed more support of that #kind more. how can isummon it within myself. im not ready yet. i need a long hug and a hand to hold that won’t (have to) let go. when im #crying i need someone to take me somewhere and comfort me and calm me down. and im 24 so i can’t ask for it. but oh my god i need it. and i #missed my chance. and lia left today and she only ever did that for me metaphorically but… tonight i feel more alone than ever. #and it’s like i don’t even have the emotional intelligence or whatever to ASK for that. bc im playing by ear and i don’t know how to read #the music of it. im self taught. that fucking sucks. that SUCKSSS. also that’s too strong a way to put it liek obviously my friends who are #closer to my age are INTEGRAL to me being able to function and i learn from them and cherish their support. but just like i can’t be a mom #to me my friends can’t either. so it’s like what the fuck do i do. get steamrolled by relentless grief and rage every day i guess. #also side note. everything carried on when i was in brighton too. i came home early ofc but it’s like nothing changed in my absence. and #that has fucked me up SUPREMELY. i think that might be a root of it. like hm… it seems my presence doesn’t have impacts. but idk

[mattypattypinky]

VECTOR'S PSYCHOPATHIC TENDENCIES

I'M GONNA CRY

This is so funny 😭

#The lack of attention by the parent could help support Vector's psychopathic tendencies. #🦈🌙 #mattypattypinkyposts #this is so wrong #his dad was just mad because he lost the shrink ray? #his dad is not cold to him- #LACK OF SUPPORT? #where are you pulling this from #we don't even have enough seens of them to KNOW if he's a neglectful father...? #and every scene with them his father is obviously proud of him- #im gonna lose my shit #HUH 😭😭😭 #i cant stop laughing guys #His father praises him everytime he talks about him and talks about him fondly to other people??? #his father only yells at him bc he made a mistake warranted being scolded for? he didn't protect the weapon😭 #also vector is a young adult #maybe theres lack of attention because he lives alone in his fortress #you know #like an adult #who lives in their own house #doing adult things in their own home #the only trace i could think of is the storyboards #bc he said he'd kill the girls in them #but thats the storyboard

[wings-of-angels]

.

#vent #tw vent #tw transphobia #parents made me cry 😍😍😍 #its kind of my own fault cos i was arguing with them about trans ppl #but it still makes me upsey #like i love my parents. they can be shitty but i still love them #and it hurts that they dont view me as nonbinary and see me as a girl #my dad fully said getting the surgery would be mutilating my body which... fucking sucks #trans bodies are beautiful #and it sucks that hed view my body as mutilated #and he also wants me to have kids and it just.. ugh it makes me so fucking mad that dad views having kids as the One True Purpous of Life #its such a fucking sad view of ppl that he just views afab ppls Purpous solely as baby carriers 😍😍 #anyway idk i dont care about my dad as much idk.. hes always been distant but he also buys me nice stuff and hes my dad #hes not malicious neither of them are but #and my mum kept saying how trans ppl were deluded and just mentally ill and how she wouldnt want to lose her daughter #and she doesnt even mean it in a mean way like she means it in a caring way. she views me as genuinelly misguided and wrong #but its still upsetting :(* #i love them but it hurts and it makes it worse #i wish i could have their support as i transition but im going to have to do it all on my own #not entirely on my own cos my friends will help <33 #but its not the same as like.. having parents there to help with phone calls and driving me places #anyway sorry sad post #just made me very upset and i cried a lot

[demoness-one]

I need to work on my house more soon or i am literally going to lose my fucking mind. I cant live here forever

#my mother is unstable and childish. and we get along fine 80% of the time bc i know how to not trigger a hissy fit #but when i do watch the fuck out. decided to go car camping last night on a whim and now that im back shes in a royal fucking tear #just a control freak. hates when i go off and do things on my own #meanwhile i am literally just doing everything i possibly can to keep my own mental health stable. a losing battle lately #the loneliness is familiar but its like a permanent black hole in the center of me sucking my sanity into it #i use work + my coworkers as a fix through the week but then i emotionally crash hard on the weekends when im alone #i know how to manage myself by now so i dont spiral like i used to but i cant do that and babysit my fucking parents as well #if i mention finding land to put my house on it sets her off as well. ill be 23 this year id like to get a life at some point before i die #anyways blah blah another vent post. ill normal up on tuesday when i go back to work i prommy

[wishgirls-archive]

new apartment tomorrow new apartment tomorrow

#im so excited but nervous and happy and scared im gonna eat myfist #everythign is packed :> + we have the keys #tomorrow is gonna be so busy and work is gonna suck the next day but!! #ive worked so hsrd for this. after getting evicted and losing my parents and living w a less than great roommate for FOUR. YEARS #im finally moving in officially wih my girlfriend and we will have our own place and itll just be so freeing. #its nice and clean and we can finally like. build our life together. #im just HSHSHDHS so many emotions guys im 23 amd everything makes me cry #if u read his and we've been mutuals or you've followed me for a long time. thank u fkr sticking w me. i didnt think id make it this far #getting my own apartment (+ a new car since we had to junk ours but w/e) is huge. i didnt even think id make it past high school lol #im just proud of myself i guess. i got bad mental illness but i still Did It. #yay

[nomaishuttle]

its literally so insane that my brother has like parents who arent young like thats insane... they were 34 when they had him... they were 20 when they had me which like isnt Insanely young but its still young yk. young enough that ppl r like Omg yr parents r so young ! when i say how old they are... but theyre gonna be 40 next year WHICH IS CRAZY. 40 year old parents hes like a kid from a disney channel show.

#and that mf lives in a house my parents own. Not for long lmaooo anyways. #<- bc my parents r prolly gonna lose the house bc my dad lost his job bc he assaulted somebody again. AWESOME FAMILY ! but anyways. #but its crazy. n my mom has been planninh a disneyland trip 4 ages... why r my family becoming like. almost middle class its scary ... guys #go back 2 being poor im scared and also thats so unfair that they waited until like a few months b4 i moved out to start marginally #getting their shit together. go girl give me NOTHING ! #but like its crazy how different our lives will be. like my parents relationship i Highly fucking doubt its gonna get better LMAO theyll #probably get divorced once they lose the house. god willing at least. but yk... #and hes got like Adult siblings.... me in talking abt myself. i left the house the same year he started kindergarten. its insane. and im #not gonna be there to see him grow up. Kills my . #i do like. idk. i want 2 try n stay out here but i also. sometimes i do judt think abt going back home just so i cn be closer to him #but. yk. thats not rly feasible rn. so. #hopefullyyy next year theyll all be able 2 come up n visit me for the summer... since ill have my own place #my like Prayer is that maybe in a couple years him n annie and lamp could start spending the summer with me.... thatd be rly cool #lamp idk what their plans r i think theyre gonna stay down there #weve talked a bittt abt them moving up here and it seemed like theyd enjoy that ? but theyre rly close with annie as well so idk...

[hella1975]

the boys' first commentary on keating's lessons being cameron and neil saying 'that was weird' / 'but different' is getting to me like the entire film is a narrative on the suffocation of heavy academia and how it prioritises certain subjects (medicine, law, business, engineering) while condemning creativity and passion and how institutions are promoting conformity and grades-over-wellbeing teaching methods more and more as you both move up the elitism scale and as time goes on, and how that was okay for these kids and like so many generations before them they were going to let it happen to them, but one teacher was different. one single teacher told them to seize the day and make their lives extraordinary and he made them look directly at the state of things, and for a little while it was beautiful but they're just kids; how could they ever change things? and sure enough it catches up to them and the institution wins because it always does and suddenly the suffocating thought of what neil is so sure his life is going to be is so daunting and terrifying that he cant even face it

#he's just like me fr just without the gun #like yeah the world is actually a harrowing monotonous place and my generation is the last one to play outside as children #and if you dont chase a certain career path or excel in certain subjects then you're deemed inherently lesser #and your success is measured by your bank account and there is no warmth #like damn this film realeased in the 80s and set in the 50s had no business capturing the terror of being young in our society so perfectly #the ONLY saving grace is the 'o captain my captain' scene at the end #it's proof that the beautiful passion-filled independent lives the boys dreamed about #dont just become food for worms and we dont just go right back to the beginning #there's hope at least even if half the time im too busy BAWLING MY FUCKING EYES OUT to even see the screen at that point #godddd girl watching this doing an 'academic subject' that you despise and on bad days think might be the thing to beat you #but you do it anyway bc you're stuck now and besides your parents kinda made you do it when all you ever wanted to do was write #but that cant happen bc writing isnt 'good' the way economics is 'good' and maybe #maybe all that'll happen is i'll lose and start a career in business and work an office job for two decades #in a world that's melting and owned by corporations that want to bleed me dry #maybe that's all there is #i need a fucking cigarette #dps

[clanoffelidae]

Fuck you google and your ‘best low calorie recipes :)’ SHOW ME THE OTHER ONES I WANT HIGH CALORIE CONTENT THE WHOLE POINT IS THAT I DON’T WANT TO LOSE M O R E WEIGHT

#was hovering around 160-ish for a while then when i started adderall i plummeted to 150 in 2 weeks #that was first 2 weeks of may #then early september i was around 140-ish so another 10 or so pounds in three and a half months #which is MUCH better than with the adderall #but. still. :/ #im not in an unhealthy weight range by any means #i just. dont like the fact that im continuing to lose weight unintentionally #and idk what i am now bc i dont own a scale (finally considering getting one tho) #i only know these weights from when i go home to see my parents and use theirs #its getting colder soon so im gonna try making hot chocolate more!!! #since i made some for my works bake sale and accidentally bought way too much stuff so i have the ingredients lol #and the milk’s gotta be used 😂 #also bought some heavy cream to try adding some of that and that should cover me for the next 2 weeks or so i hope!!! #ensure that no more pounds go slipping off without my consent lol #if anything id love it if it gave me a few back #bc i dont intend to RELY on that lol #but since i have to use up the milk i bought and thats one of the faster ways i have to eat thru it might as well 😂 #it would give me more buffer room while i try to figure out how to alter my diet #bc ive already lost 20 lbs and losing another 20 would uh. not be so good. #25 more would put be underweight according to BMI but we all know that’s BS #but still semi helpful as like a general estimate of ‘maybe u should gain some weight’ me thinks lol #so uh yeah if u could show me the HIGHER calorie recipes google thatd be LOVELY #like i started this shit slightly ‘overweight’ according to bmi #the last thing i want is to get my ass down to ‘underweight’ #like as horrid as bmi is i still cant say that unintentionally losing enough weight to go from ‘overweight’ to ‘underweight’ is like #a good thing #like ive gone half the distance already which is. more than a little terrifying. #ive unintentionally gained weight before and so i can now say with 100% assurance #unintentionally LOSING weight is like 10x scarier #-3/10 absolutely would not recommend

[sunliv]

watched the sonic movie again. crying screaming yelling etc

#THAT’S HIS DAD! THAT’S HIS MOM! THOSE ARE HIS PARENTS!!!! #HE’S GOT A BROTJER!!!!! HE’S GOT TWO BROTHERS!!!!!! #HE GOES SUPER!!! SUPER SUPER SUPER SUPER #GOLDEN AND FLYING AND EVEN FASTER AND UNBEATABLE #PROJECT SHADOW!!!! FUCK!!!!! #SOMETHING UNDER ‘ROBOTNIK’ FROM 50 YEARS AGO!!!!!! A BLACKSITE!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!! #ouguh and when Shadow’s legs start showing up while the dude’s like ‘my god…’ like SAME BRO #im so so so so so fucking excited for the third movie GOD wont 2024 come FASTER #but it’s ok! i’m a very patient girl! i can wait!! #thank you mystery skulls animated for teaching me patience <3 #anyway im losing my mind over this what yall up to lol #this is always my reaction #i watvhed it on the living room and my mom sat there bc. bc. and then complains it when i watch it at my speed (rewatching the same scene 7 #times) like oh im sorry YOU decided to sit here smh🙄 /lh #oh im so excited for the next movies #i’ve been thinking abt it what kind of stories they could make… #im imagining what games can be incorporated and whatnot #obv sa2 is gonna be in the 3rd movie yeah but like whqt else #they put 2 ans 3&k together and we’ve yet to see Amy i’m lowkey hoping they put cd in the next one! although metal would prolly make things #harder bc we cant have 2 sonic clones in the same movie right? and idk ig sa2 has plenty of story on its own but still! also Amy is VERY #important for Shadow’s turning point at the end of sa2 so she must show up righ??? #i can see cd showing up too.. or at least a PART of cd… idk idk #then i thought abt since the next movie will be shadow when’s the THIRD s hedgehog show up right? do u think 06 will ever be adapted……. #they could use Elise??? maybe??? wouldn’t that be cool? no need for the kiss just a girl who has half a god inside her! no need for romance! #anyway. what abt unleashed. oh can you imagine the werehog????? please please plea #ok so i am DEF looking too much into it but Eggman DOES howl in this movie and comment on super sonic ‘you look good’ NOT ‘you look festive’ #which COULD leave it open for unleashed stuff… idk idk i just like to dream skdnkfmf #liv.txt

[mistilteinn-magolor]

when im bored i shall make a pinned post

but for now, i would like you to know that Floea (kirby oc)

#Floea (oc) #kirby oc #btw she kinda goes with giygas' oc cari (we have a whole au lol) #long story short i will make a post too apout this later but shes an ancient from the new world and her parents were brutally murdered by f #cto forgo when she was her species' equivalent to 3 (they live like 40 000 years) and she when she was a lil older fell through one of thei #rifts to dreamland and the mage sisters found her and raised her from there (specifically fran shes her mentor and also taught he ice magic #!) then when they started the whole jambastion cult thing floea got rly scared and ran away and now she has her own house and boyfriend!! #yeah!! guess who it is lmao you couldnt possibly (i am a s-i-m-p simp) #also im losing my sanity help #squirrel's clan meetings #also #squirrel's art #at the same time woaaah #thats enough fcking tags lmao

[pepprs]

also (this is it i promise) this is why i am so INSANELY excited to have my own room soon. like omg. it is definitely not perfect bc it’s at home and there’s a breaker box in it and you can hear footsteps really loud through the ceiling and also again *it’s at home* when i really need to not be living at home. but the quality of life improvement i am about to have is actually INSANE. i will be able to have a space far away from everyone else where i can sing without bothering anyone and play piano and decorate it (mostly) to my liking and have a desk and draw and paint and do whatever. finally!!!!!!!! that is going to fix me!!!!!

#purrs #i just wish it was permanent or that i had more years to spend in it. like i actually just want to find the place where i will live forever #and just stay there bc oh my GOD am i tired of living in places temporarily. i have so many issues w that bc so many spaces that were #formative for me have been destroyed (e.g. the van 😍😍😍😍 and my grandparents house 😍😍😍😍 and my favorite hs teachers classroom 😍😍😍😍) or are #going to be destroyed (e.g. the office where i work rn 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍) or ive had to leave them and move out bc they’re inherently temporary (e.g. #my on campus room 😍😍😍😍 and my room in brighton 😍😍😍😍😍😍). and ive had attachment issues w space / location : whatever my whole life like i wou #would have huge meltdowns whenever we were transitioning from like elementary school to middle school middle school to high school etc etc.. #so i really just um. would like permanence and stability please. im 24. im done w school for now and maybe forever. i want to find a place w #where i can just like.. stay. so if im paying rent like something that would allow me to renew it indefinitely and not fear bei ng kicked #out randomly or at the end of a determined period. i just want a home lol i want a homeeeee and i want to decorate it with all my things and #never be afraid that i will lose it and get to stay there forever and ever or at least as long as i want. bc my parents already have plans f #for my new room after i move out and i won’t get to decorate it as much as i want bc my mom doesn’t want me to damage the paint. but like if #i have a place of my own then i get to decide a little ding in the paint is worth it to put up my lanterns. you know? idk. the mortifying #ordeal of experiencing freedom like thisfor the first time in my mid-late twenties probably 😍😍😍😍😍😍 but still its gonna be good and i hope it #happens soon and i have to MAKE that happen. so yeah. #wishlist #delete later #ok now im done for real THJS time lol. my mom is gonna be so pissed at me ive barely lifted a finger here. but im enjoying the quiet what ca #can i say!!!!!!!! like OMG ok last thi ng…. like she’s always saying i have to love myself first before i get into a relationship and it’s l #like.. maybe my living conditions do not predispose me to be able to spend time w myself in ways that allow me to love myself!!!!!! #maybe always being on the defense and needing to find quiet spaces all the time and being shamed for that is not a very good way to experien #experience myself in the place im supposed to feel most grounded and comfortable!!! so yeah. #like maybe i stopped doing all the things i loved bc you got alexa and loud speakers and started blasting music all the time and dominating #space and becoming more and more high maintenance… 😳 (and obviously i changed as a person / played a role in it too but again my point / re #realization is… maybe it was in RESPONSE to stimuli that were not good for me and not just bc i suck as a person / am losing myself / etc.) #like theeeee sonic warfare of it all. also my brother is a key player in it too bc he raps and sings at the top of his lungs and it’s like 🤨

[nerdie-faerie]

My entire uni process since I applied three years ago has just been accompanied by a series of my parents getting pissed at me about information they made up, like how are you mad at me about stories you created

#Uni shenanigans #+Extra #personal #ace is a grumpy bean #im sorry theyve really set me off i cant even deal with my own sht without them making up a problem to be mad at me about even when im not #there like fck i already moved to the other side of the country which sure its not far but was the best i could do without a passport #im kinda dealing with all my childhood trauma right now its kinda bringing it all back for some reason #but its been like this the whole time they convince themselves they know things and then get mad about them when thats not even the case #and its not like they fcking listen to me anyway when im the one actually experiencing it and its not like i dont lie to them #i absolutely do but those arent the things they get mad about which makes it extra bizarre #like asking my dad to be my guarantor for my flat last year and i explained that it was the same as first year but instead of being #assigned random flatmates i would be with my friends and he was like 'oh you want me to be your friends guarantor and pay their rent? #im not doing it' and i was like ?? no you theyre parents have already agreed to be their guarantors were all paying separate rents for #separate rooms its the same as last year but i dont get assigned a random flatmate and you didnt pay my rent last year what #and then he started claiming he wasnt my guarantor last year but you cant rent without a guarantor as a student? and i certainly didnt #have a rental history before first year so obviously i needed one what are you on and he just kept getting pissed that i was tryna force #him to pay my friends rent its just been that kinda sht over and over for 3 years with a side of threatening my autonomy when im home #im just so tired and fcking frustrated and i just wanna lose my sht at him about it cus its not like we talk we dont have a relationship #and yet hes still finding things to have a problem with me about when i got enough to deal with as is like youre not getting money from me #right now do you want me to starve? i got grocery and laundry money and tuition thats it there aint no spare money you shouldnt have made #poor financial decisions so you could bully money out of me assuming id be home for the summer only for it to backfire cus #now you owe sht and moneys tight and i aint coming back