#im not allowed to touch you. i cant reassure you bc i dont know what the issue is. you wont accept medical attention without force | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jeankirstein4ever · 3 years

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hihi i hope you're doing well! can i get a matchup the gender doesnt really matter. i use he/they prns btw.

personality categories (idk what to call them) scorpio, intp 5w4, chaotic neutral, and my hogwarts house is slytherin if that matters.

Im a pretty introverted person and will only talk to ppl that i am friends with, even then if we arent really good friends i still wont talk to you unless you spark conversation because i dont like bothering ppl. My sense of humor is mostly sarcastic and dirty. Im also mean as a joke but, i only am to ppl i know who are comfortable with it bc i dont want ppl to genuinely be hurt by anything i say (making ppl uncomfortable/annoyed is my worst fear ngl). i have random burst of energy which usually makes me rant about literally any topic i can come up with. some bad things about my personality tho is i do have a lot of self doubt. its not that i hate myself i just believe that ill never live up to other ppls expectations. its also hard for me to believe someone actually enjoys my presence.

some of my hobbies are dancing, watching anime, gaming, and watching random science vids that pop up on my youtube recommended.

I look for humor and intelligence in a partner. especially humor because i dont take things seriously unless its something im interested in or its a serious issue. also intelligence because i like ranting about things and getting good feedback and thought provoking responses/questions whether the topic is serious or not, and understanding because i will admit im not the easiest person to be with.

my love language is mostly physical touch

im black, 5'3, have short ear length hair (i keep them it in mini twist), im curvy, have sharper features on my face, and have dark skin

random stuff: my fav music genres are alternative rock, rap, hyper pop, r&b, and kpop. my current favorite song is Pretty little birds by SZA and not allowed by TV girl. i also used to do ballet and i love it so much

Aot Matchups

A/n I love these so much, thank you for your ask

I match you with Levi

Levi and you are an all or nothing relationship, the second you two start dating it's all-consuming and absolutely everything

Levi was never one for affection of any kind let alone physical but when you sat down and talked about the things that made you feel loved he made sure to try and incorporate physical affection even in the smallest forms.

After a little while into your guys relationship when you started getting a bit more comfortable you started giving him little kisses on the forehead which he loved more than anything else in the world.

Before missions he would always pull you aside into his office before hugging your for dear life while muttering sweet nothings in your ear, “I love you, you know that right? You mean the world to me, if anything happens I need you to know that.”

When you got injured on a mission, he lost all self-control, this man is a killing machine on a good day but when he thought you were gone the world deserved to burn. Every titan he came across was slaughtered in a matter of seconds.

On the other hand when he found out you were fine, he fucking broke “I thought you were dead, I-I thought I lost you.”

“Baby, you're never losing me”

PET NAMES, this man will fucking die if you call him “baby” or “honey” he loves it so much.

Levi doesn't like PDA in the slightest but if someone tries to get a little too flirty like Petra (sorry Petra) he will purposely kiss you or wrap his arm around your waist In front of them as long as your comfortable with it.

He loves your dirty jokes, even if they're not the best it'll still earn a grin maybe even a chuckle.

YOUR HAIR, he loves it so much. I can't emphasize how much he loves your hair, it's one of his favorite things about you.

He adores your laugh, the first time her heard it was after his own attempt at a dirty joke causing you to spend a solid five minutes laughing your ass off.

He thought it sounded angelic

Mood board:

Playlist :

Love song - The Cure

This side of paradise - Coyote Theory

Hate Yourself - TV Girl

When Am I Gonna Lose You - Local Natives

Corduroy Dreams - Rex Orange County

July - Sir Chloe

Always Forever - Cults

Sanctuary - Joji

Alrighty Aphrodite - Peach pit

3005 - Childish Gambino

Love Letter :

Darling, I love you. I cant say enough , nor can I ever get tired of you saying the same. You loved me, I am loved. By you of all people, wonderful angelic you. In case I don't get a chance to tell you this, or in case I don't say it before we leave, you're my everything, all I've ever needed or wanted. I plan on marrying you , maybe not right now but soon. There's a ring in my office drawer, I almost proposed last night. I'm worried that I m moving to fast and somehow every time I get worried, you find a way to reassure me that I'm not. Just as I will always do for you. I don't know if you remember this but the first night you stayed in my room you fell asleep muttering "please don't leave me." Darling there is nothing in this world that could separate me from you. I am with you always and forever.

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dysfunctionalnerd · 4 years

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I was wondering ... how would Randall react to Evil! Layton? or Monocle! Layton(by the way your drawings are amazing!)

ahhh thank u so much!! that means so much to me ;u; oh my GOSH MONACLE LAYTON!!! i havent thought about him organically in too long sksksks

well so ok if i had to make layton evil at any point in time, the way id do it would be after unwound future. it would be about 2 years after he found randall, but in this scenario he never worked up the courage to call randall or go back and visit after he left Monte D'or so abrubtly, which means losing that friendship was already weighing on his heart. so then after UF, losing claire and luke in the span of the same week... its too much for him. Crying in his room one night, he says "so this is it then? am i destined to always lose the people i love? i will simply never love again." and he snaps. he gets cold and distant, doesnt allow the kindness of others to reach him. all he wants now is vengance, and this man has been wronged by soooooo many people.

The only person still living with him is flora at this point. at first she lets things slide. things like seeing hersh withdraw into his study for too long, or drink too late into the night. but then she notices he stays in his room for days at a time, clearly working on something, but he gets so rude when asked about what. shes always met with answers like "its none of your concern" or "dont ask questions you're not prepared to hear the answer to", until one day she really puts her foot down. Demands to know whats going on. Shes so worried. But hershel screams at her to go away. an ugly, terrible yelling nobody deserves. and its so cold she just,, runs away crying. she cant think of anybody to reach out for help. she doesnt know anybody, she was never allowed to go out and make friends.

until she remembers the stories luke told her about the man they saved in Monte D'or, and she remembers how softly hershel would smile the precious few times he mentioned he name randall.

so she pulls up a phone book and looks up a Randall Ascot. Its not hard considering he owns an entire fucking town. shes crying and scared and alone, and when randall picks up the phone, he is of course concerned. hes never met this girl, but nobody should by crying this much, and then his heart breaks when he realizes its hershel who did this. He was always hurt by how hershel never said goodbye, and never called again to rekindle their friendship. at first he doesn't want to come over, but flora begs him.

"please, randall, you have to help. I know i hardly know you but... nobody else can reach him, i just know it".

so he grabs the nearest train. tells flora take take it easy at a bougie hotel for a night while he makes the trip over, pays for everything ofc. the two meet up. randall falls in love with this girl in .5 seconds (yknow in that "ive only met this girl for 10 minutes but if anything were to happen to her id kill everyone in this room and then myself" kind of way). They decide to just go to hershels flat and knock. he doesnt answer. they knock again. nothing. randall gets worried. he breaks down the door, shouts for hershel. Nobodys there. the place is empty. they enter hershels study to make sure, but what they find horrifies them. a GIANT charlie kelly style board with a bunch of pictures of different people, mostly people connected to bill hawks, and red lines connecting them stand before the two, and they both know in their gut its a hit list of some kind.

so they run to parliment or whatever building it is those goverment people all stay in, hoping its not too late, hope maybe their suspicions arent true. Theyre horrified when they reach the front steps and theres no guards or anything. sirens are blaring. they run down the halls. injured soldier's and police are telling them to turn back, its not worth it, this man is unstoppable.

"please dont let it be hershel, please dont let it be hershel."

flora stops when they reach the big door. she looks up at randall, crying. "im sorry... but i cant go in. i dont want to face him like this."

randall hugs her, reassures her. tells her its ok to wait by the entrance, that everything will be ok.

Flora rushes off, and randall takes a deep breath. He opens the door where bill hawks office is supposed to be. Randalls heart sinks. in the big chair is hershel, a sword covered in red, and tied to chains too close to the fire place is a beat up bill hawks.

hershel greets him coldly, like strangers.

"ah hello there. im sorry, but the prime minister cannot assist you today. please come back later."

"hershel, what are you doing??? that sword.... have you??"

"killed someone? no..." he hops off his chair and points his sword to bill hawks, far too close to the neck. "no not yet. but if youd like, you can join me for the first one."

Randall picks up a pipe or something close to him. "i cant let you do this hershel... i know youre better than this."

"ah, but you see, thats the thing." his blade lightly touches bills neck. "i could be, but then... whats the point?" then he scoffs, and pulls his sword away, pointing it towards randall in a battle stance. "never mind, you could never understand."

and he charges. AND THE EPIC SWORD FIGHT BETWEEN HERSHEL AND RANDALL THAT WE WERE ROBBED OF COMENCES! Randall, between parrys, is in total disbelief. "Hershel, stop it! i know how youre feeling, but this isnt the solution! youre tired, and scared, and unbelievably hurt. youre in so much pain... this isn't going to end that pain!"

clink, parry

"you couldnt possibly know what im feeling. ive lost everyone. but its no matter."

for a moment it looks like hershel is about to pin randall down, but he swoops away at the last minute.

"No, please hershel, you cant think like that!! youre not alone!! not anymore!! You didnt give up on the masked gentleman... let me return the favor!"

hershel gasps at this, and hesitates. its enough for randall to knock hershels sword out of his hands, and pin him to the ground. Hershel is afraid, his eyes are wide.

"r-randall, stop it!! leave me alone!"

"no!" randall throws the pipe he fought with aside. "not until you make things right!" he starts crying, his tears spill on hershels shirt. "not until i get my best friend back..."

hershel can't take it anymore. He screams, and starts crying uncontrollably. that ugly crying you reserve for your worst moments, and randall softens his grip on hersh, changes it so hes hugging his friend. And hershel just cries and cries and cries.

"i... i just dont want to live like this anymore..." he sobs.

"hershel.... oh hershel, im so, so sorry."

and they continue to cry. eventually randall asks what happened, how it got to this. hershel explains the events of the last few years. how luke left. how bill hawks sent men to beat him to an inch of his life 8 years ago, so really this is just him returning the favor. they talk it out.

"hershel... you owe flora an apology"

and hershel starts crying even more. "oh no, how could i do this to her?? im a monster..."

"nonsense! shes just worried about you, we all just want you to be ok. give her time, you two will be ok."

so slowly, randall convinces hershel to take his hand and walk out before some real irreverasble damage is done. they dont untie bill tho :) hershel comes face to face with flora at the entrance. starts stuttering some words, but jever gets around to saying anything bc flora hugs hershel so tightly, and cries into his chest. "professor i was so worried..."

"i.... im so sorry...."

and thats it!! the police dont do anything bc i dont believe in them, hawks eventually gets voted out. they all go home and randall decides to stay with hershel until he find a therapist. then decides to stay with him until he starts smiling again, then because i mean whos gonna help out with flora?? and then bc honestly hershel, this place is a mess! and then,,,,, well,,,,,, yknow,, 👀👀

#THIS IS SO LONG IM SO SORRY #professor layton #hershel layton #randall ascot #ranlay #flora reinhold #this is a fucking fanfic outline i stg #now i might actually write this skskksks #its a little messy and all over thenplace sorry i went on an adhd rant there sksskksk #gosh thank u for asking its been so long since i like info dumped like this aaaaaa

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kinkymagnus · 4 years

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Canon Magnus should be wrecked by both Alecs simultaneously

hehe... y es

like i guess twi magnus is in the same limbo canon magnus was in last time (is he watching? taking a shower? who knows! also--he got the aftercare of his LIFE so he’s all relaxed now lol) so let’s get to ,,, , canon magnus being fucked senseless

ok once again this is not gonna be all kink no soft but also canon magnus loves being a brat and then being humiliated (in a fun way) and fucked senseless sO

he’s louder than twi magnus is off the bat, but still like. he can get noisier, you know

and not to mention he does more than just little teases or the occasional unexpected coy comment to make his boyfriend’s eyebrows raise, he straight up is being a little brat and teasing and purposefully pushing their buttons to get them to snap

(this was all talked about but it’s still kind of striking for twi alec--in a good way. not like in a “this is better” way obviously but you know, he’s going to have fun “breaking” this version of his bf and making him scream wink wink)

god i just love the idea of them playing with like, magnus being a pretty toy they’re sharing, or like, canon alec “teaching” twi alec how his pretty slut likes to be fucked and used? like again, all previously discussed, but just.

they discuss who will fuck his mouth and who will use his pussy first, or what they might want to do next--maybe their little toy can warm twi alec’s cock and canon alec can tease him or like, and don’t ask me how the fuck this angle would work, but fuck him slowly from behind and magnus is just trying not to gasp and whine or give in to the urge to suck twi alec’s cock properly and really enjoy being full on both ends, or finger him while he just tries not to move--or perhaps he’s not using his mouth, but his pussy, and canon alec is just pressing kisses to his face and teasing his nipples... aaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAA

and like, canon alec showing twi alec how magnus likes to be fucked (tied up, teasing his clit but not letting him come, teasing him with like rough hard thrusts and then slow deep ones, changing up the pace and making him squirm and beg, things like that) or just... these casual humiliating little things he says, you know, like “aw, my beautiful little toy loves it when you pull his hair when you’re using his pussy, especially if you’re fucking him nice and hard and rough,” and “oh, he loves it when you come inside his sloppy little cunt,” or whatever, and magnus is all flushed and moaning around the cock in his mouth (or the gag 👀) and it’s great

also there’s just something specifically nice about the idea of them “taking turns” with him, like. i know part of the appeal of multiple alecs is them both ravishing him at the same time, but also there’s this hot objectifying humiliation to them taking turns using his pussy you know??

and like again canon magnus having vague “dom” vibes, all powerful and teasing and bratty, but god once they really just like. fucking go to town on him he is such a beautiful slutty little mess so eager to suck their cocks and be filled up and fucked hard and it’s great??

and canon magnus trying so hard to tease them and he knows how to get “his” alec to snap him and fuck him hard but he likes teasing twi alec to see what happens and i can’t decide if twi alec is like surprised but resilient or he “snaps” harder and is like oh boy am i going to fuck you so hard you are going to beg for my cock >:) and magnus is like (shuddering with pleasure/anticipation) i cant wait

and like you know he’s being all dom-y and cool as a cucumber or whatever and then canon alec slams him down on the bed and makes out with him and hes moaning into it and twi alec is like..... should i leave and canon alec is like no dont worry (handcuffs him) im just getting him ready ;)

actually i feel like tying him up is better but the idea is he made out with him, distracted him, and “”tricked”” him so like the aesthetic of the handcuffs clicking is just good and fun. but idk anyway

magnus is left panting and wanting more kissing but he’s all tied up and helpless ;) and now it’s time for the alecs to discuss what they’re going to do to him ;) he still throws out teasing little comments about how they’re being slow and should he try and satisfy himself over here? and twi alec shoots back without even looking at him that if he really wants to grind his little clit down on the bed until he gets off like a little whore than he’s welcome to, but his hands aren’t exactly free and wouldn’t he much rather be good so he can get filled up and fucked nice and hard?

but like even with all this where both alecs fuck his cunt and come inside him before letting him come, having him suck their dicks, finger him--twi alec DEF eats him out and loves how he trembles and moans--and so on, until like he’s just so desperate to get fucked and be allowed to come, he’s begging and his voice is all broken and whiny and needy and he sounds so gorgeous and wrecked and canon alec smugly comments on his sloppy little cunt leaking cum and how he probably wants more, doesn’t he, he’s such a little slut,

and twi alec is agreeing and this sort of... smug objectifying like patting his ass and being like he’s such a good little toy isn’t he :) nice and tight even though we’ve fucked him so much, and he loves it so much, doesn’t he

and i know i’ve kind of gone this route of twi alec being lowkey surprised that canon magnus is so confident and then gets so “broken down” to little whore, but like also..... vulnerability? again this magnus seems so confident and classy and sexy (not that twi magnus has none of those things but you know) so like. it’s not that he was consciously thinking he was invulnerable, but he did kind of seem more,,, confident and invulnerable (which is of course, as we’ve discussed, on purpose) so seeing him with like... the softer things?? melting into canon alec’s gentle hands and stroking his hair, begging for kisses, sighing happily and tilting his head to the side to let twi alec kiss his neck more, just clearly openly adoring affection when he’s all fucked out like this, and after during the aftercare it’s so fucking clear he’s just as vulnerable as twi alec’s used to with “his” magnus, and he loves affection and again it’s not like he really thought canon magnus was invulnerable and didn’t need affection or reassurance, it’s just like a weird sort of feeling where you’re like, “oh, i hadn’t even realized i’d kind of sorta assumed that subconsciously, but i was clearly fuckin wrong” just bc. you know. his facade works really damn well, he’s great as presenting himself like that, but he’s letting twi alec in because, well. he’s alec.

anyway back to the alecs fucking railing magnus. one im a slut for them both fucking him at the same time, so like, that should happen. and also like, i have this image of one of them fucking his ass and the other eating him out and he’s losing his mind and clenching around alec’s cock while alec licks his cunt and teases his clit and there are strong arms around his waist keeping him pinned and big hands on his thighs keeping them spread and he feels stuffed full and pinned and helpless and the pleasure from the heat and pressure on his cunt and his clit being sucked and licked and he’s losing his mind

and after they make him squirt like that and perhaps one comes inside him and the other might like jerk off and come all over his tits and he looks beautiful (bc look im a fucking whore for creampies apparently,) you know then they give him a little break and kiss him all over before eventually getting back around to using his cunt (and while he loved that so much and obviously he loves sex that doesn’t involve a cock in his pussy, but like, also..... he’s a size queen and they specifically made a point to tease him about how he wasn’t getting what he wanted and his poor wet little pussy was so empty, wasn’t he craving that full feeling--?) and it’s just great

and not to use the same trope but once more im a huge fucking slut for the ‘before/after comparison look how SLUTTY HE IS NOW’ thing so like. again he started off all teasing and perfectly put together and confident and now he’s a dazed wrecked little mess, moaning softly with ever touch, melting under gentle hands, and also just generally being an absolute slut with cum leaking from his holes and his tits all ravished (like kinda sensitive and swollen nipples and H I CK E Y S ) and just sort of lying there panting and relaxed and loving it, letting either alec slide back in to “use” him more (murmuring to him how good he is, how perfect he is, kissing him gently like both just his neck/shoulders/collarbone/all over his face and like, just pressing kisses to his slack lips, to the corner of his mouth, he’s too fucked out to kiss back properly but he smiles a little bc he loves it and it feels good

also canon alec just fingering him and more cum drips out and magnus shivers and alec uses his thumb to rub his clit and just coaxes another small orgasm out of him and he’s got pleasured tears in his eyes and he just slowly blinks them away and bonus he’s not even tied up anymore he’s just sort of... letting them do what they want and loving every second??

and also i love the idea of after both of them fuck one magnus the one who like “belongs with” that magnus gets the last thing like canon alec just fucking him one last time, deep and slow and gentle and kissing him sweetly while twi alec fucks off to gently make out with his magnus

i just love magnus being banged by multiple alecs tbh

like in any context like this you know bc it’s like, while any time with multiple people it’s great this is a whole new level of him feeling so deeply safe and happy? and like it’s alec’s Big Gentle Hands all over his body, alec’s nice thick cock (size queen magnus size queen magnus SIZE QUEEN MAGNUS), and like just.... alec. who he trusts, who treats him so lovingly and respectfully, you know? not that he doesn’t with his other partners there’s just something that hits different about the love of your life fucking you particularly TWO OF HIM RAVISHING YOU UNTIL YOURE CRYING AND BEGGING AND INCOHERENT WITH PLEASURE :’)

#twi #twi/canon xover #trans magnus smut #this is so scattered dlkjdfg

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wdfa · 7 years

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coming back from winter break like HELLO NAUGHTY CHILDREN ITS RELAPSE TIME

warning for... um. lots of stuff. a loooot of self hate/negative self talk. internalized transphobia/cissexism. discussions of sexual experiences (not in detail). menstruation mention. depression and symptoms.

im struggling so hard rn ugh so many Symptoms.. especially with feelings of worthlessness!!!!!!! like i just feel like im annoying ppl with just my existence!!!! UGH like i know it’s irrational bc so many ppl love and care about me and they have voiced these facts as well as affirmed them through actions! and they continue to do so! it kinda has a lot to do with my dysphoria? im not sure how to like. explain it??? because there is Context.

last saturday my frat had a brothers-only party and it was fun and cute and i had Such a Good Time because i love my brothers! some alumni came too like i got to see my grandbig again and my 2 adopted grandbigs LMAO... one is dating my gbig so she’s step-gbig i guess not adopted? but the other one is in my family line, and he has 2 “real” grandlittles but he adopted me and one of my fifth (?) cousins. ANYWAYS it was really tender because that literally happened that night, he said “as far as im concerned, i have 4 grandlittles... plates, kali, billy, and u” and im not kidding i almost cried it touched my salty ass heart. and that was pretty much the theme of the night, just me loving on everyone and everyone loving on me!

i was kind of worried about that tbh because i was wearing one of those douchey ridiculously large arm-hole tshirts and my scars were pretty visible,,,, but like everyone was really cool about them like i got some compliments actually haha mostly they were just like “aw im so happy for u/proud of u” but one of my older bros (who happens to also be a bass!!) said smth like “yo those are really cool thats so hardcore!” which pleasantly surprised me because he’s a very aloof and sarcastic kind of person, so getting something genuine was really neat. and so much good happened that night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was great!!!!!!!!!! but also like. ugh. i guess more context needed.

in my pledge class of 7 only 2 of us were virgins and im one of them. like ive literally never had any Sexual experience, and it was always because i was never comfortable enough with my own body due to dysphoria. even when u get past that my high school was fucking tiny so who was going to love my fat trans ass 8^) and my pbro’s situation was a little different, but he’s gay and his high school was similar so he never had the option to explore anything either. and we were like. together on that u know? i had kind of accepted that it wasnt realistic for me to want things like that, and while that realization hurt, i knew that i had someone in the same boat. but then he goes and loses his virginity!!!!! and this is where i get MESSY LMAO IM NOT READY FOR THIS BUT HERE GOES

first of all i want to say that i am 100% happy for him because he’s my friend i will support him until the end of time and he told us it was important for him finally being able to celebrate himself and grow up and operate with sexual/personal autonomy and live his own DAMN LIFE and im so so SO proud of him for that!! and i HATE myself so FUCKING MUCH for being selfish and feeling this way and taking something so important to someone i love and making it about myself, but. now its like im left behind. i hate this feeling so fucking much i hate being left behind/forgotten about/ignored/excluded from anything and everything. and now this is something that everyone has gone through but me. and it fucking sucks even more because i know the main reason that i havent done this is because im trans!!!! like i didnt ask to be this way!!!!!!!! trust me! its so fucking difficult!!!!!!!! i hate being different sometimes, i literally just want to be like everyone else, i want to be fucking normal for once. like i know that ‘normal’ doesn’t actually exist but im tired of having to struggle through things that other people dont. and ive really just been dwelling on this and extrapolating like “welp no one will ever wanna hook up with me or date me or love me and im gonna die alone like the piece of shit i am” and it’s just opened up soooooo many Bad Feels that i either havent thought about before or did a really good job at repressing! literally just shitty Dysphoria garbage!!!

and now its like. “ok well u dont want to be a virgin anymore then go out and have sex” WELP it doesnt really work that way!!! i’m very masculine in appearance (or at least i try to be) and the people who are attracted to me expect me to be a Cis Male, because unfortunately we assume everyone is cis until proven otherwise. bottom line is theyre gonna expect me to have a dick! but i dont! what happens when im into someone and theyre not aware of this fact? what if we Get Going and start Doing the Do but theyre like EW GROSS DIE??????? i just keep thinking about this!!!!!!!!! its in my head and i cant get it out!!!!!!!!!! like i Did Not go to bed on sunday night because i just keep dwelling!!!! i went to therapy on tuesday and told all this to my psychologist and usually that gets it out of my system but no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she’s usually really helpful because she approaches things logically rather than emotionally but that didnt work in this case i guess!!

i told my pbros about some of these feelings and they said the shit your friends are supposed to say to make u feel better and it was reassuring that they loved me at the time but like. i guess it didnt stick lol because im still convinced that im unlovable even though mccoy sat on my lap half the night and david let me casually touch him (he does not like physicality so that was kind of a Bigger deal) and ben laid on top of us and we were all so tender but i literally cant translate that into permanence i guess!!!!! but also bad things happened at meeting that kind of validated my fears bc me n a few bros were talking, i think it was me and a gay guy and a girl who thought she was straight but shes questioning if shes bi and i cant remember who else because i was Turnt but these two were like the main source of conversation. the guy was like “im definitely gay like i know i dont like girls because vaginas are just gross” and the girl was like “yeah i dont know, im attracted to hot girls but idk if i could ever fuck w/ a girl because ew vagina” LIKE im.... ... standing............ right .... here...................... and i said something! like “thats transphobic not everyone w a vagina is a girl” and i cant remember exactly but they totally like. brushed me off. i initially have all of these doubts, then my bros are like “yooo that’s irrational, everyone loves u” which makes me feel better and kind of makes the doubts get less awful BUT THEN this happens and we’re back to square one SO.

it doesnt help that i fucking started my period on monday. i havent had it in over a year. but i had to skip a dose of T before my surgery and my ADHD ass forgets everything so i ended up skipping like 3 so apparently this is what happens when you stop taking it :) im really hoping that this is the reason im so emo about everything right now UGH.

all of these feelings are just taking such a toll on me its like im weighed down,,, i was supposed to do some studying today and take some notes but instead i stayed in bed and played games on my phone lol!!!!!! i didnt even do anything fun!!!!!!!!!! and now im alone on a friday night doing NOTHING just like i did fucking NOTHING all day today!!

what sucks about this is that im alone because i feel sad.... but being alone makes me feel even MORE sad........... like im happy when im with my friends, im happy when im with my brothers, im happy when im at the house! but for some reason i cant just text a bro at random whenever im feeling down. like if i did, i know that no matter who it was theyd give me the support i need/the support id get at the house with everyone there. but i cant make that move, i cant take that risk, because i must Avoid.... like i know talking to ppl and being around them makes me happier, and i know if i did gather the ‘courage’ or w/e to do that then the odds of getting a positive response would be 99% but i just. Cannot initiate. because that 1% chance of rejection is just too much. im terrified of it. even if i did take that chance i dont even know what i’d say??? “hey lol im kinda craving death because im a worthless abomination haha wyd” ????? im still not comfortable w talking about being trans. like i am a bit but only with certain people. definitely not with the brotherhood. maybe my big? but she just got a new girlfriend so i dont want to bother her. honestly i dont want to bother anybody!!!!!!!!!! which is Wrong because i tell ppl all the time that their emotions are valid and theyre not bothering people who care but HERE WE FUCKING ARE KIDS!

ok i think im done now i just. really had to get that out. replies and likes and asks are welcome but the other thing is not allowed. the thing with two arrows that kind of go in a circle. none of that.

#trumpet hate #personal #wow this was..... so much..........#literally no one is gonna read this but it was mostly for me anyways so [shrug emoji]#caps /#negative /#self hate /#transphobia /#cissexism /#menstruation mention //#the experience #ask to tag

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