#im not that troubled

[inkskinned]

because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

#almost wrote the champagne line as ''effervescent'' but legit could not write it without saying ''effervescent like a snail'' #ah tumblr... #writeblr #warm up #idk . having trouble writing rn #ps i don't like to talk about it . it is my medical information. but before you ask. yes this is about being on the spectrum #i really don't like when ppl make my writing about how im [whatever ID]. i want it to ring true for the people who it rings true for #i don't want it to be like ''awwwww look at this person!!! she's the EXCEPTION!!! :)" ..... #no.... not really..... #idk something gross happens whenever i admit to certain conditions and i turn into like inspiration p*rnography #like yes they actually let us use keyboards these days #furthermore i just... dont feel comfortable talking about this part of me. i had too bad of a childhood. adhd is one thing... #this one im like. still coming to terms with. which is like. my own journey. #idk. just please be kind. some things are more private than others. this one feels private to me. #i do not know how to help others w/this . and i do not know how to help myself. i will talk about it if im ever ready. idk if that will #actually ever happen #ty in advance i love u im kissing you we are kissing somewhere on the spectrum

[zephyrine-gale]

Kazuscara | A Ghost of a Memory

Part 1/?

Also hbday to scara ♡

#genshin impact #kazuha #kaedehara kazuha #scaramouche #wanderer #kazuscara #my art #first art of the year!! #i have an entire 20+ page comic planned for this sooo #u can expect more of them #and every time i think about how to panel everything more pages get added akdfh #they are living rent free in my head rn #hoping that I can get the next parts up next week! but it's currently the part that i'm having trouble #sketching out #so im doing more research :'D #fight scenes and bgs are not my forte but that can change for 2023 lmao

[cowardlycowboys]

girl who constantly feels like they're in trouble and did something wrong

#omg kiera no one cares #the precursor to girl who needs reassurance but would rather die blah blah #anyway nothing happened im not in trouble I just feel guilty

[k-mraz]

soooo i heard ova is coming soon???

#sk8 the infinity #langa hasegawa #reki kyan #renga #well kinda renga #im kinda trying to draw shit in a way that wont get me in trouble with russian law lmao #sk8 was such a fun watch season 2 when...

[improvapocalyps]

You have 90 minutes to complete. (original poem: r.a.)

In participation of the MCYT Recursive Exchange 2024 hosted by @mcytrecursive!

Inspired by know that all my love will be your breath (i will save you when your lights go out)

[text under cut]

1. Have you ever been in love? (Please circle your answer.) a. It's me and him b. Our hearts beat in sync c. Our lives intertwined

2. Do you understand what you’ve done? (Please circle your answer.) a. I couldn't do anything b. I lost my balance c. I doomed us both

3. It's been god knows how long since you felt phantom hands on your neck and there is no one in sight. If you were soul-bound to him and both of you died at the same time then why are you still waiting in the void? Please answer clearly, in full sentences. (Not a correct answer：I just wanted to see him one more time).

4. Define two (2)： Fate | The feeling of his forehead against yours Curse | The moment you realise he isn't linked to you anymore

5. True or False： i. It was your fault. ii. You wish you had met him under different circumstances. iii. You can’t regret a single moment that you had him. iv. You would do it all over again if you could. v. It ended long before either of you said anything.

thumbnails:

sketch cover thing for imgur link:

#team ranchers #team rancher #rancher duo #jimmy solidarity #tangotek #trafficshipping #mcyt recursive exchange #events #fic fanart #my art #“canary has butterfly-shaped wings it cant do a dramatic spread like that” watch me. (draws dramatic wings) (sorry) #“you have 90 minutes” have been rattling in my brain for so long ever since i suddenly remembering a web weave using it (yes the beeduo one #very glad i can release it (using it in art) from its confines (my mind) #hm i suppose the title would be more in theme if its abt limited life ranchers #← havnt watched limlife yet #but! happy with what i come up with. lil bit proud even #had so much trouble with the panelling and layers in p2 cause it looks too busy (explodes) #also punching the floor bc i only noticed the “yes-no” pair(?) in the original poem when im already half-done w/ the comic #me when making silly comic makes you do poem analysis #i dont even go there ← does not have enough poetic braincells

[ronanxing]

baja blasting

#rottmnt #rise of the tmnt #teenage mutant ninja turtles #tmnt #sketches #doodles #enkidoodles #if u see my obv fave turtle #no u dont #what r the tags for this show i have no idea #anyways the action poses...Yum #this brain itched my show in a good way #rottmnt leo #rottmnt mikey #i just love baja blasts' poses sm theyre always so dynamic and fun #also im so sorry for the ID im having trouble describing these kskfkr #portal duo #i took so much ref pics #that i redrew here teehee

[skrs-cats]

set after leafpool dies, before the bonus scene w jayfeather dealing w that grief gets resolved. guess who was bitter over a certain cardboard character bitch not being included in that

Next

#welcome to my blog where i *gets hit on the head by an anvil and i fall to hell* #do NOT underestimate lionblaze fans. there are five of them and theyre all fucking stupid #warrior cats #lionblaze #leafpool #squirrelflight #hollyleaf #jayfeather #to the anons in my inbox this is why i havent responded am sorry... will get to u guys when im done w this monster #art #im also having a lot of trouble figuring out the alt text for this. if anyone wants to help itd be greatly appreciated T_T #added ID in alt text! ty curlfeatherstar!!!!! (made a few minor adjustments since that is still in fact leaf in the third image- #squilfs walking towards her!)

[ruporas]

thinking about wolfwood (ID in alt text)

#vashwood #vash the stampede #nicholas d wolfwood #trigun #trigun maximum #from awhile ago! i forgot to upload it here i think #i realized looking back at this. wolfwood has shrunk even more. DFGMKSGMS im sorry everyone has to bear with that. short woowoo #is engrained into my bones.... but anyway. im a big fan of vash yearning if that was not obvious from my previous comics. #not to say wolfwood doesnt do the same ofc... but im just thinking about vash's layers of repression in emotions and how he holds it #all together for the most part.... and when he yearns it's not like a dopey lovesick smile or anything. his cheeks are red but he's all “:( #bc he's Shy about it. and troubled by how much he's thinking about ww. but he can't help it and even less so when ww is right there #it's a very honest expression from someone like vash i think. and wolfwood can start to tell when he's faced with it and in turn #also gets embarrassed . silly the both of them #ruporas art

[crumb-crumblet-s-crumbington]

RESIDENT EVIL BODY TYPES THE SEQUEL!

part one...!

#first day of the new year and im drawing shirtless men #ethan winters #karl heisenberg #leon kennedy #mia winters #THIS IS NO JOKE THE BEST MIA IVE EVER DRAWN #I COULDNT STO TELLING MY FRIENDS ABOUT HER #HEY GIRL... #i love u mia #i spent 15 minutes trying to draw ur nose and id do it all again #resident evil #resident evil fanart #rebhfun #resident evil village #resident evil 8 #re8 #i drew all of these using references of my own body #but im a 5'2 100 pound lanky asian girl #so i did have some trouble drawing karl #it bothers me when people draw leon as some slim tiny little baby #have u seen pictures of him #his bicep is literally the size of his head its almost absurd #GIVING EVERYONE FAT ROLLS BECAUSE I CAN! #THEY R ALL WELL FED AND HAPPY AND WARM AND CONTENT WITH LIFE! #dad bod ethan!!!!! #ethans body type is probably the hardest to draw accurately #because there isnt any really good refernce for him becuase he wears like THREE LAYERS #ethan is actually pretty thin in re7 #but idganarf 3 years have passed and he had a kid he has a dad bod now its true #he has muscle defiently though i dont think hes as musclely like leon or chris that would be insane

[bratphilia]

step-father!william who fucks you at every given opportunity, whenever your mother is, or, scarily enough, without your mother out of the house. 

when she's not home, the both of you have more breathing room to do whatever you want to do. he'll bend you over the kitchen counter and pound you until you're screaming his name and making a mess of yourself and his cock. "that's it, baby girl, come all over me," he'd praise. or sometimes you would watch a movie, but you wouldn't get very far before he has you on the couch, too. usually, there he has you in missionary, or sometimes he likes to bend your legs in half or put them above his shoulders. he likes to grunt praises such as "you're so good for me" or call you "baby doll" and "sweet girl." 

but when your mom is home is a whole different story. for some reason, sex with william is even better, rougher. it's definitely the danger of being caught, too. he takes you on your own bed, fucking you roughly from behind. he degrades you, shames you for being so wet. "look at you, so horny for daddy," he whispers in your ear before biting your lobe. he has a hand in your hair, burying your face in the pillows while he hits it from the back. the noises of his hips slapping against your ass is absolutely obscene. "gonna have to be quiet, angel, don't want to get caught, or do you? by the way you're moaning it sure as hell seems like it." 

#five nights at freddy's #fnaf #fnaf smut #fnaf x reader #steve raglan #william afton #william afton x reader #william afton smut #fnaf movie #promise i will write something full fledged #just had to get this out of my system #im having trouble coming up with a plot so if anyone has any suggestions i would greatly appreciate hearing them!!

[inkskinned]

you have to go to work so you can pay for your doctor, who is not taking your insurance right now, and if you say i can't afford the doctor's you are told - get a better job. it is very sad that you are unwell, yes, but maybe you should have thought about that before not having a better job.

(where is the better job? who is giving out these better jobs? you are sick, you are hurting - how the hell are you supposed to be well enough for this better job?)

but you go to the doctor because you had the nerve to be hurt or sick or whatever else. and they tell you that it is because you have anxiety. you try your best. you are a self-advocate. you've done the reading (which sometimes pisses them off worse, honestly). you say it is actually adding to my anxiety, it is effecting my quality of life. so they say that you are fat. they say that all young people have this happen to them, isn't it a medical marvel! they say that you should eat more vegetables. they say that you probably just need to lose a little more weight, and that you are faking it for attention.

(what attention could this doctor possibly give? what validation? that's their fucking job, isn't it?)

there is always a hypochondriac, right. someone always tells you about a hypochondriac. or someone who is unnecessarily aggressive during the worst days of their life. or someone looking "for a quick fix". or some idiot who wasn't educated about how to properly care for themselves who just abandons their treatment. and again, the hypochondriac, the overly-cautious hysteric. these people don't deserve to be treated like humans (right), and since you might be one of these people, you also don't get treated like a human. because those people can really fuck with the system, you now have to pay for it. and besides. you're actually probably faking it.

(more often than not, you find a 2:1 ratio of these stories. for every "hypochondriac", there are 2 people who knew something was wrong, and yet nobody could fucking find it. the story often ends with pointless suffering. the story often ends with and now it's too late, and it's going to kill me.)

you are actually just making excuses. someone else got that procedure or that diagnosis and he's fine, you should be fine too. someone else said they watched a documentary about other inspirational people with your exact same condition, maybe you should be inspirational, too. you're just too morbid. your pain and your experience is probably just not statistically concerning. it is all self-reported anyway, and you're just being a baby.

(once, while sitting down in the middle of making coffee, you had the sudden, horrible thought - i could kill myself to make the pain stop. you had to call your best friend after that. had to pet your dog. had to cry about it in the shower. you won't, but that moment - god, fuck. the pain just goes on and on.)

you know someone who went in for routine surgery and said i still feel everything. they told her to just relax. it took her kicking and screaming before they figured out she wasn't lying - the anesthetic drip hadn't been working. you know someone who went in for severe migraines who was told drink water and lose weight. you know someone who was actively bleeding out and throwing up in the ER and was told you're just having a bad period.

in the ER there are always these little posters saying things like "don't wait! get checked today!" and you think about how often you do wait. how often the days spool out. you once waited a full week before seeing the doctor for what you thought was a sprained wrist. it had actually been broken - they had to rebreak it to set it.

but you go into the doctor. the problem you're having is immediate. the person behind the counter frowns and says we're not taking your insurance. you will be paying for this out-of-pocket.

they send you home with tylenol and a little health packet about weight loss or anxiety or attention deficit. on the front it has your birthday and diagnosis. you think about crying, and the words swim. it might as well say go fuck yourself. it might as well say you're a fucking idiot. it might as well say light your money on fire and lie down in it. and the entire fucking time - the problem persists.

it's okay. it's okay, it's just another thing, you think. it's just another thing i have to learn to live with.

#spilled ink #warm up #can you tell what i'm mad about today specifically #i will say that there are a LOT of things that go into this. like a lot. this is ungendered and unspecific for a reason #it isn't just sexism. it's also racism. and ableism. and honestly classism. #and before a healthcare professional reads this as a personal attack: i understand ur burnt out #we are ALSO burnt out. your situation is also dire. this is not an attack on you. #this is a commentary on the incredible amounts of bigotry that lie at the heart of capitalism #where people have to pay money out of pocket to be told to fuck off. #your job is important. so is our humanity. and if you cannot accept that people are fucking mad as hell #at the industry - you are probably not listening . #anyway at some point im gonna write a piece about sexism specifically in medical shit #but i don't want terfs clowning in it bc they can't understand nuance #> it is true that ppl w/a uterus are more likely to experience medical malpractice & dismissal globally #> it is also true that trans people experience an equally fucked up and bad time in the medical field #> great news! the medical industrial complex is an equal opportunity life ruiner :) #(if you find it necessary to go into a debate about biology while discussing medical malpractice #i want to warn you that you're misunderstanding the issue. because guess what. #cis MEN might experience this. particularly black men. particularly disabled men. #so YES having a uterus can lead to more trouble for you. but this happens a LOT. #instead of fighting those ALSO experiencing your pain.... try working WITH them. #which btw. is like. actual feminism.)

[eggsploded]

homestuck doodlies with a new brushie i got

#egg art #homestuck #aradia megido #dave strider #john egbert #sollux captor #kankri vantas #karkat vantas #kanaya maryam #song aradia is singing is sleep away your troubles by the softies #listen to it Blease #im gods strongest twee pop soldier #arasol #lil man is infatuated

[filibusterfrog]

anyway

#my art #my ocs #been on a bit of a comic kick so if it turns out well ill post it here #its gigatrash but whatever im having fun and thats what counts #the comic is gigatrash that is i think i did a good job on these portraits #you will notice that in the drafts i had trouble sticking to a time period re: the clothing #it is because i am a buffoon who cant commit

[realstrap]

04/05/2024

Hey quick ask 2day bc I don't have energy rn

Had to run an errand and I don't have energy to cook rn with my pain flaring up

Could I get $25 for lunch???

CA: $lezsalt or $sleepyhen

VM: wildwotko

Dm 4 PP

#sorry we are poor #i was gone for a long time and im fucking wiped #my feet hurt and im having trouble standing

[dandelion-roots]

post 'all the showers mysteriously broke down so they had to use the public baths together?!' WAN era (i do not know how public baths work)

[id in alt]

#bsd #transzai #trans dazai #bsd dazai #bsd chuuya #bsd atsushi #bsd yosano #bsd kunikida #ppl rly blew me away w their response to my original trans dazai drawing- i expected like five ppl to see it- so im BACK #w another digitized* doodle #* scanned inked and fixed digitally #it makes me so happy to know this fandom is full of trans ppl- at least on the trans website #transing my blorbos makes me happy and i have fun doing it for my own transsexual health #but it always makes me extra happy that other ppl enjoy it too #such is art #if anyone has trouble reading the light blue background text in the last image its in alt text! #just click on the like alt button in top left corner

[carolxdanvers]

#im here to cause trouble