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#im off my meds so i don't function right
selfnss · 6 months
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h
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kittykatinabag · 10 months
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The more I read about depression the more I'm convinced that my brain is just a whole bunch of neurons trying to deal with both inflammation and balancing hormones at the same time, sometimes mixing up processes and accidentally metabolizing the wrong molecules at the wrong rates, making the entire problem even worse.
Article food for thought:
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angiethewitch · 6 months
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So, I'm also mentally ill, and I really don't understand why you think it violates your personal rights for you to be held accountable for taking the medication that keeps you stable, safe, and functional.
Do you think you should be allowed to act inappropriately because of your illness? Do you think you should be allowed to possibly hurt yourself and others? Do you have delusions about the healthcare system or medication? Do you dislike being stable or lucid? Like, why do you think that it's okay to neglect your mental health conditions and make people around you feel concerned or scared for your safety? Do you think that people shouldn't take meds in general, or just you?
Personally I enjoy being stable and healthy and I don't understand why you want to put yourself and others through distress. It seems like internalized ableism mixed with self harm tbh. I hope you get better someday and learn to love yourself when you're stable instead of hiding in your psychosis and hurting yourself and others.
it's actually ableist to come and assume that I'm violent and unsafe simply because im schizophrenic. ive been off my antipsychotics for nearly 2 years now, under the supervision of my doctor and psychologist, I have no such delusions about the healthcare system - once again, it is ableist for you to say a schizophrenic MUST be delusional for not wanting to go on medication. it is ableist for you to assume I MUST be a danger to myself or others because I am schizophrenic. it is ableist of you to come in here and be so fucking condescending, explaining things to the obviously insane schizophrenic. it is ableist of you to say I MUST not be stable or lucid. it is ableist of you to say I MUST be acting inappropriately. bro im just in fucking work. it is ableist of you to say i MUST be neglecting my mental health when I'm not on medication when I thought it was widely understood that medication is not the only answer.
I am not in distress and I do not cause distress. you've completely misunderstood my stance, just because medication works for you does not mean it works for everyone. my stance is that it violates bodily autonomy to force medication down my throat or strap me down and inject me with medication I did not consent to taking. either you did not understand that or you don't care, and you think people with mental illnesses should be stripped of their autonomy.
absolutely nobody is scared for my safety. I was discharged from the psychosis intervention services with my psychologist saying he feels incredibly positive about my recovery. I am a supervisor in charge of a team of people in my work and im on my way to a management position. for the record, I may still have periods of instability, but therapy and learning healthy coping mechanisms has been far more helpful than 5 years of a medication that gave me amnesia. and the medication didn't even stop the symptoms, they just put me in a chemical straitjacket.
how dare you come in to my inbox and spew ableism and assume things about me. get off my blog.
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spock-smokes-weed · 6 months
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So I'm thinking about a/b/o world-building again, and my special interest of reproductive health and science. And with this synergy, I've been thinking a lot about how the bio functions of the omegaverse would actually work.
now I just want to preface this with I am not a doctor, I am not a med student, I'm just someone who likes learning about reproduction cus I find it interesting. I'm just a dude who makes comics I don't have any kind of medical authority. I know trying to have any kind of medical accuracy in the omegaverse is a fool's errand, but bear with me, okay?
So the biggest thing I think about in a/b/o is that there wouldn't be any periods, right? a/b/o is loosely (very loosely) based off of the mating and bio-function of wolves, and like most mammals, wolves don't get periods.
but periods are actually very useful from a survival standpoint, no matter how annoying we find them. The current theory as to why humans menstruate is that because pregnancy is so invasive on the host, it developed as a defense mechanism to protect the host from egg implantation. That's like the physiological reason (in theory) it happens, but I think we developed this way for another reason. Not getting your period is one of the first signs that you are pregnant. Again because pregnancy is so invasive, having a built-in way to tell when you're pregnant as early as possible is a very useful thing to have.
So, in a world where we don't have the same built-in warning system, how would people know whether they were pregnant or not? well, I think we should lean heavily on the whole scent thing. The biggest change to humans in a/b/o is that we have a stronger sense of smell, and we can gather greater information from scents. We can gather things like mood or arousal, and I think it would be the same for ovulation. Physiological changes already happen when we ovulate, so you would just have to make them more pronounced. The window of fertility is roughly the same length as a period, so maybe it's just that you put out a "hey i'm fertile" smell. which, considering the main demographic of the omegaverse are ppl with breeding kinks, I know you freaks would love that.
Now, you're probably asking "Lu aren't you just describing heats" well yes and no. It all depends on how you write it. Do you want heats to be their own special thing, or do you want it to completely replace periods and happen once a month? Let me explain
in most a/b/o world-building I've seen, omegas usually have a heat once every three months. So roughly that would mean 4 heats a year. Now let me ask, does an omega ovulate only during heat? If so that means they would only be fertile 4 times out of the year compared to a human's 12. And that's a totally valid route to take (but if you do take that route I would also consider how does a beta woman's cycles differ from that of an omega's. or don't. im not the boss of you)
However, if you're like me go "well it doesn't make much sense to only have 4 fertility windows. especially since omegas are prized for their fertility." then you now have to figure out if regular ovulation is distinctly different from heat. Because again if we're removing periods (which you don't have to do but I like to) then you have to consider a new built-in alarm for fertility and pregnancy. Because having no way to know when you're ovulating outside of heat sounds like a horror premise to me. Also just bad evolutionary design.
So, would heat be a monthly thing like periods? Or would heat and monthly ovulation be two different, yet connected things?
I think we could put it on a spectrum from how ovulation works for us now up to full-blown heat. When you're just getting your monthly ovulation, it would be more akin to how we get it, but the symptoms are just cranked up in how noticeable they are. You'd still be able to go through your daily life without it affecting you too much, like how it is with periods. And covering up the "i'm fertile" scent wouldn't be too much of a chore. This is how monthly ovulation would function for both omegas and female betas. So anyone with a uterus.
And heat would be more extreme than just your run-of-the-mill ovulation cycle. That's where you'd get the strong and potent scents, the fever, the vulnerability, the constant achey horniness.
This is where I dip into some made-up shit, so medical people don't come for me this is just my world-building idea on what would make a heat special from an evolutionary perspective. I think it would be that implantation has a much higher chance of happening vs. during a normal ovulation cycle. An egg can get fertilized, but if it doesn't implant in the uterine lining then it won't develop into a baby. So maybe it's the case that implantation is less likely during regular ovulation, and that's why omegas in particular are prized for their fertility. You can even do a thing where implantation is even less likely for male omegas outside of heat, so there is a cultural myth that male omegas can't get pregnant outside of heat. (like the myth that trans men can't get pregnant while on T. Everything loops back to the trans allegory for me hehehehe.)
Lower rates of implantation could make up for the fact that the body no longer has the period as a line of defense against pregnancy.
I really hope that made any kind of sense. I've been overthinking this more than I should because I was thinking about how the pill form of birth control works by stopping you from ovulating, but why would omegas need pill birth control if they only ovulate 4 times a year? Then I started thinking "well maybe they ovulate year-round like we do" and that led to me going "wait how would that work if they don't get periods." and now this post exists. Sex ED in the omegaverse must be a lot to keep up with lmao.
Now that I got the ovulating part of the post done, now to move on to "how would someone know they're pregnant if they don't have a period to miss." and that's an easy one. You can smell it. Your scent changes when you get pregnant and it'll probably be one of the first symptoms to develop along with morning sickness. I think at first it's just a change in scent, but a week or two after your scent changes, it fully matures into an "i'm pregnant" smell. And depending on when you get pregnant, missing your heat is another massive hint that you're pregnant. I think heat would still happen whether or not you're on birth control, so unless you're also taking something to stop your heats, missing a heat could be the "missing period" moment for some ppl.
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heavenlym3 · 1 year
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911 ....
(ALL READERS ARE RECOMMENDED TO BE AT LEAST 13-14+!!!)
𝑐ℎ𝑎𝑟𝑒𝑐𝑡𝑒𝑟'𝑠 ✰ Izana K. , Y/N L/N .
TW ✰ abuse , , SH , blood , crying ig? That's really it im pretty sure . Oh and yelling + fighting
this is my first post so pls be kind i tried my best!!@
DESC.
You and izana had a good relationship until now.. He came home angry, furious even and never told you what about after that day he was never the same .. he treated you differently, talked differently, how did this affect you ?
The day Izana came home about 3:30 in the morning he seemed not so happy he was drunk maybe ? You assumed as he was cursing under his breath you wondered what had happened so you go out of your way to ask your boyfriend Izana, "What's wrong ? , You look angry." He looked up at you with boiling lavender violet eyes . Oh.. you thought to your self he was mad and I mean MAD . He looked at you angrily and said " Don't act fucking stupid Y/N! " You question what he's on about and why he's saying this ? Your starting to get angry as well your being nice what did you do that's so bad ??
Well here's what got passed around and told. Some guy in Tenjiku told Izana that you were fucking around and spreading your legs for other men that day and had so called " real proof " of it when he whipped out his phone and showed izana a photo of "you" giving some guy at the club a lap dance. What.. you haven't been to the club in over 2 months and zana knows this but he's just to angry to even function right he's shaking horribly and can't go to believe that your telling the truth.
After all you know izana's past it's hella bad you feel bad for him because of what he went through.. he doesn't mean any harm to hurt you but sometimes it gets out of hand and it rarely happens too.
As soon as izana told you what happened and why he was pissed off you got pissed you yelled back to him " HOW THE FUCK? I'VE BEEN AT THIS HOUSE FOR 2 MONTHS STRAIGHT ALL I'VE LEFT FOR IS GROCERIES AND MY MEDS ! I HAVEN'T STEPPED FOOT IN A CLUB ??!" He knew this but didn't believe it so he just yelled back .. it went on for ages involving to you too splitting up because he ended up calling you a "whore" and all that . It hurt you so much after about a month to realize this .
You murmured to yourself " he was just angry ..." You cried in your apartment as the echoes of weeps and sobs flew off the walls .. you couldn't take it you grabbed something you haven't touched for a long time .. your sharpener...
Blood flowing down your hands as you laughed but soon sobbed . You heard the door jingle soon to be opened there stood ..
"Izana...."
Pt 2???
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easy-revenge · 7 months
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hey!! idk if tumblr ate my ask, the himeno brainrot has faded or if you just didn’t feel like it (which is so valid lmao no worries) but i would love to hear your headcanons for her!! xx
hiii so sorry !! i actually started answering ur ask when i was on vacation a couple weeks back and then i didnt have enough ideas and put it in my drafts....and to no one's surprise i forgot about it lmao so thank u for reminding me !!
also i can't NOT have himeno brainrot atp don't worry heheh
however im afraid I won't deliver too much on this bc instead of like individual headcanons ive mostly just filled in the blanks that canon left with my own things (often self-indulgent) and made up a life for himeno which i now basically treat as canon lmao (yes this is delusion central)
i will attempt this though but fair warning that a lot of the behaviors and things i associate with her aren't very wholesome or a jolly good time (i suffer daily with this brain)
(cw for mentions of addiction and a lil bit of drugs, i promise it gets more lighthearted after the first few ones lmao)
so, starting off strong, I don't think himeno spends a lot of her time sober. namely, i headcanon her almost always running on some kind of buzz. i think it's established that she handles her liquor well so i dont think it would be noticeable at work, but considering she trained under kishibe for a long time, i can see her having a flask of her own and sipping at it throughout the day.
in the same spirit, i think she would also take any opportunity to properly get wasted. friday nights with aki at her apartment, outings with the people from work etc, especially if she doesn't have work in the morning. i think maybe she believes she's more fun to be around when drunk.
i don't think these behaviors are about entertainment, but rather a way she's found to be more "functional" and able to keep doing what she does and uphold the carefree persona she's established, hence incorporating them into her life to the point of very rarely being stone cold sober.
i think she also doesn't like the idea of her family knowing about how she copes. maybe she doesn't answer her father's phonecalls sometimes, scared of sounding too noticeably drunk at noon on a tuesday. or she's often stressed about her sister's occasional surprise visits in case she comes over and finds himeno's place in disarray and her in a similar state.
apart from alcohol, which is basically canon, i once had a thought about himeno occasionally abusing pills. pain meds prescribed for recovering from a work injury hitting just right paired with some beer on the side one evening and boom yk. i bet it wouldn't be too hard for her, considering her line of work, to get her hands on opioids regularly enough, especially since the story is set in the 90s and doctors used to prescribe them left and right before the amount of patients getting dependent skyrocketed.
to complete the holy trinity of vices, again based on things mentioned in canon, i think himeno is also the type of person to sleep around a lot with distraction being the objective. she has a reputation for getting flirty and handsy with ppl from public safety when drunk and i think that speaks for itself. this is not inherently a vice ofc, but in her case I don't think she engages in this behavior being sound of mind. it almost never happens when she's sober and i headcanon her often regretting it at least briefly the next day.
oof that was a lot lmao. um chill anyways, on a lighter note i have a couple thoughts about her relationship with aki !!
i think it's a habit for them to take care of each other's injuries after missions. im actually writing a fic about aki showing up at himeno's doorstep, bleeding and expecting to be taken care of in his own begrudging, stuck up way lmao. i think himeno is less likely to straight up go to his house for that, but i see them leaving public safety and going home together to shower and bandage their wounds in companionable silence.
additionally to that whole thing, i personally do believe that their relationship could've had a non-platonic side to it, albeit still casual in its nature. leaving that aside, i think they share quite a bit of affection and physical touch regardless, considering how casually we see them invading each other's personal space in canon. so i think they sleep in the same bed a lot, after tending to each other's wounds, or getting too drunk in himeno's living room. i think it took a while for aki to stop being tense and relax into it, but they settled into a comfortable zone and it was sth they both needed more than they would ever admit.
fujimoto once talked about himeno and said that she is the type to leave a lot of her stuff behind at aki's place and u better believe i ran with it. clothes, hair brushes, a spare toothbrush in the bathroom, you can't change my mind. i also think that to some extent it goes both ways. himeno has a shitload of aki's tupperware at her place, from all the food he brings her weekly, and she never washes them unless aki comes over to do it himself and by the time he decides to take some back, there's always more. black hair ties are often littered in her bathroom cabinets and on one of her night stands. a book on her windowsill that aki brought to read before bed once and then never took home.
not to get dark again, but talking about them is bound to make me sad sooner or later :) based on the way she thinks about aki's death in canon, i think she would often panic when thinking about aki's shrivelling lifespan, especially at the beginning when aki had a lot of years to spare and surely used the sword more freely. i imagine her being restless in her bed with aki sleeping next to her, feeling compelled to check on his breathing or his pulse. reach over and touch his hand to feel him alive and warm, hoping it would soothe her to sleep.
i also think she's there a lot of the times aki cries. i bet the first time she saw him was accidental, or at least not a conscious decision on aki's part. i also bet himeno didn't really know what to think of it initially, but soon looked at aki under a different light bc of it. i think aki finds comfort in himeno being in the same room as the tears spill from his eyes after a day of watching people die. and i think himeno loves giving him that, even though it tugs at her chest in uncomfortable ways she can't quite point out.
i feel compelled to but i won't go into the whole being in love with aki situation, because first of all its not even a headcanon but very much there and secondly i will ramble indefinitely about how i think her pining for him would manifest and this is already a huge post god bless
on a slightly different note before i bring this to a close, i like thinking about her bond with kishibe a lot as well. it's not shown enough in the anime or manga, but i imagine them being friends. i think they would go out for drinks but more to talk than get wasted. i think they'd have the capacity to talk about very real things but also nothing at all. kishibe might be the only person himeno talks to properly about aki, aside from her letters to her sister, because he shares the same life as her and inevitably has more space tl understand. maybe kishibe gets to talk a bit about quanxi too.
haha oh well :D that's all i have for now. if u read this far thank you and also im sorry lmao. hadn't sat down to microwave himeno like this in a hot minute i loved getting the opportunity to do it so thanks for the ask anon !! till next time ~
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sorey for being a bit. scary on main. i just finished madk vol. 3 which is finally out in english and i was so excited for it but the ending is a near closed-loop cyclical ending which always really bothers me n puts me in a state in nihilistic anxiety/dissociation idk but also. it just makes me wanna feel things again. i wanna stop taking my meds. ive had the upped dose for a week ish now n its bringing back my paranoia which should settle in a week tops but it's bothering me bc it means i cant listen to tma bc that's creepy enough to set it off. sorry i swear my mental health has actually been better these last couple of days im slowly regaining mental functionality to an extent but i keep slipping and falling and i just. don't have the spoons to figure out every problem i have and address them enough to be functional again. like there's the attachment problems w my ex which keep coming back every time i feel like jm getting over them, the chronic exhaustion and general symptoms of pots, my meds fucking with me, general depression but also manic episodes, the fact im way over budget but my mum wants me to get her a 60 quid fountain pen for her birthday/mothers day and im not going to be there to see her around that time anyway sso i have even less of an excuse to cheap out. and ive been committedly lying abt my mental state to my parents to convince them im getting better than i was at xmas even tho im worse bc my mum will come up here and invade my uni life if she realises how bad i am doing
ah yeah i hate when fiction leads to like a major dissociative bit especially bc i love to use media as an escape when im floating out my body and then it goes and makes it worse and sets off a chain reaction of pent up shittiness? the absolute worst fr
not to sound like an overbearing parent but pls take ur meds !!!!! ik it sucks rn getting thru the adjustment phase but think of how things will change once u get used to them! u may not notice a crazy positive change right away but think of the small things. like u can listen to tma again once ur adapted to ur meds!! even if it’s something small that gets u thru daily tasks like that. u could take ur pills in the morning and be like “this is for u martin”
and oh god ex drama we both know that one well. idk if it would help but maybe if every time u have a like thought abt them that makes u feel any way that’s great just text me ur thoughts to try and get them out yk. like how i texted u like “the voices!!” when i was talking abt my ex like the other week pls feel free to do that back if u think it would help
and exhaustion and depression suck man i wish i had some like quippy little tip or smthn for u there but i’m suffering right there with u on those. and maybe just the thought that we’re going thru that together could help? holding ur hand thru the horrors <3
and oh man money problems r the worse omg. ik u said the pen is like 60 quid and mothers day is coming up so idk what ur like personal budget is looking like but me when i’m trying to make bigger purchases is i set aside a few bucks a day like just a few dollars $2 or $3 nothing that seems like a lot just a little snack or drink price but somthing that adds up a decent bit when done for a few days straight and u have like two ish weeks till then right? so u could make a decent dent with that plan
and hey i’m all for lying to parents but i think u shoukd consider the possibility that u may need to ask for help at one point even tho that’s so hard and ur mom will get all up in ur business but maybe it could help. or u could think of ur daily life like ur mom is there or nearby as a way to like watch urself and try to control what ur doing if that makes sense?
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flipphonegoth · 1 year
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are you sober now? if so, congratulations ! but if not, you've got it and i know you're trying. its just hard to tell sometimes lol
ehhh i am mostly! so thank you ! i've been sober from fentanyl for about a month and i am trying to quit fent/all opiates for good. i had a reliable plug for over a year but she robbed me, right when i lost my fucking job too lol. so i'm back on methadone and have a new treatment counselor, i'm trying to quit that shit for good bc it drains all of the joy out of my life, it's dangerous, it's a waste of money and it hasn't had any euphoric effect on me in years. it's just hard to get to the methadone clinic every single day because i can't drive and you literally have to go every day to get your dose.
that being said, i'm still using uppers unfortunately, bc i can't get my focalin until i find a doctor who will fill my script and i need it to function bc of my ADHD and brain damage. (ADHD meds are used off label to help with TBI symptoms) i keep it at a bare minimum and only use them when i need it at work (which obvi im not working rn) or when i need to do housework. especially since i have no money and any money i get rn goes to groceries, toiletries, pet supplies, transportation, etc. but my fwb gives me addies/uppers for free because i let him crash in my spare room and use my shower during the week, so he doesn't have to drive 3 hours roundtrip to work every day.
i don't actually like the feeling of uppers anymore. since my first brain injury i experience mania, paranoia, etc, can stay up for 3-4 days without any substances, my pupils are always giant, and i CONSTANTLY get accused of being on coke or speed bc of my TBI symptoms.
so i don't do uppers for fun and dont have any emotional/mental dependency on them like i do with fent/H. i just microdose them so i can get my ADHD under control. and make my TBI symptoms slightly more manageable. i'd try to make it through a shift without it but after my TBI(s), mundane tasks are really difficult and i'd get in trouble for being too slow or not being able to process information or remember things :(
TL;DR i'm still using uppers that my fwb gives me but i'm back on methadone and in treatment, i'm sober from fentanyl/heroin/opiates and benzos and i'm trying to quit for good. once i get a doctor who will agree to prescribe me my focalin again, the goal is to stop all illicit drugs, just take my script as prescribed and smoke some dispensary weed DAS IT
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rhesusbaby · 10 months
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Story Time
Why did I meet him?
So I had been fixating over this one guy but not in the way you'd expect. Sent feww stupid impulsive texts, still receive bouts of embarrassment from it that makes me feel like convoluting in on myself till I disappear.
It started from sorrow, jealousy & grief. Of course now that you've made a bridge with that, infatuation & hormones want to drive their car over that too cos it's easier to be at peace with hate & feeling inferior & unsafe if infatuation steps in. Wonder if that's the base of a Stockholm syndrome, tho most probably im wrong.
We met through family, he's stuying the same thing I am, he's in med school, a year above. And I'm coming in with a lot of pain, lotta baggage, lotta hurt of 7 yrs worth & before that meet up, I had been pretty much isolated as humanly possible (trauma response).
And everyday I woke up to breathe with the sole purpose: to be at peace with not only the past but ongoing pain, just to survive one little day more, when everything from the moment you woke up is pushing you to give up on that notion. God, why did I meet with him.
Well we sat down & struck a conversation. One part of my brain responsible for physical composure just begged the rest of my brain to pick up, if only on just a few social cues & respond as a normal person would, like one would expect from the human we just inhabited (jk). Cos this was not some rando meet up, it was through family, & that just amped up a bit of anxiety for this part of my brain that was responsible to not let anyone know even a whisper of something different about me when internally my mind was melting (I'm almost 99.9% sure there were structural changes to my brain), I completely lost my identity (you guys, don't take it for granted), & just simply living was extreme pain, & now the added burden of living a lie & schlapping the outards with a pristine coat of "everything is proper & good" paint, cos pretense of anything less is even worse than dying inside; all the while I'm being turned inside out, my mind being broken a bit less beyond repair, then building it up just to be completely broken again. How do I function? How do I perform? I'm not even a human.
Well here I'm just hopeful the puppetmaster would pull the right strings & hopefully I give appropriate reactions at the right time from the booklet of info we had gathered after the Wipeout to act like an extremely normal person who is extremely okay, make it out like a well adjusted individual & that's what everyone will remember, none the wiser.
Well back to the sitting & conversing. Atm we were trying to order & it was taking me a bit more time & my brain started going off with the "this is not normal, act normal" alarm but to my relieved surprise, it was taking him even longer to order. I deflated in relief, I was being normal if he's doing it too.
Then I wondered what's taking us so long, since the only option in the entire menu was just chocalate. One way or another we'll end up with a bunch of chocalate anyway (it was a restaurant based on chocolate you guys, it's literally called The Chocalate Room).
I came across a shake, some KitKat shake I think that I finally liked but I glossed over it, knowing he'd order that & it's just stupid to order two same things for the table.
I ordered. He ordered the KitKat shake.
And what does my unchecked mouth say next?
"I knew you'd order that", my mouth speaks. And the energy akin to the reaction "...uhhh" settles on the table. My brain goes off again, "do normal people tell eachother's premonitions out loud? Are premonitions normal?" nonetheless I hurriedly shut my mouth.
Next, we started discussing the different options related to the field, what's all out there etc.
And that's when he started laying blow after blow.
Stay tuned.
Will be continued...
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weabooweedwitch · 10 months
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to that prior anon: what makes something a disability is how it impacts the life of the person who has it. for example, you use arthritis as an example of smth being "just a medical condition" but without medication that would cost more than $12k/month if I didn't have insurance, I am in constant pain and literally cannot walk or use my hands. my arthritis is disabling, while for others it's just constant low level pain and they may not consider it a disability.
please remember it's up to the person with the medical condition to determine if it disables them, and it varies person to person even with the same condition.
In their defense i think they were just asking a question because it is definitely like, a weird gray area? It honestly brings up a good discussion about, when do you you start calling something a disability, and how, I think, the broken health care system really, uh, falsely categorizes a lot of people based on what insurance is up to. Also different countries apparently have different guidelines, like for example my Canadian friend gets disability benefits literally just for being autistic despite being very "high functioning", putting that in quotes just because I know that can be kind of a controversial term.
But also, I'm so sorry you deal with that, I dont quite have arthritis but I can totally empathize wirh chronic physical pain 🥺 its actually horrifying reading the prices of some of these treatments sometimes and im really glad you have your medicine taken csre of. I often think about what would've happened to me if I hadn't been on state insurance when I was diagnosed with my equinus, I think it was literally like at least 5k per leg (i actually barely remember tbh, it couldve been higher or lower), which, I guess ultimately isn't a lot, but on my income and my moms income would have been so significant I would've felt actual guilt seeking treatment. Like, there was a legitimate possibility that the mere price could have kept me from... walking normally? And like my mom is 58 and she's been told she qualifies for knee replacements but she's literally scared of even getting them because of how long the recovery period can be and the financial loss and also just the price? So my mom could end up in legitimately worse health, although I guess that also has to do with like, America not having good workers rights where she could've taken off laid leave for surgery or something
It's that whole expression about "disability is defined by the environment" or something like that. Sort of like that whole controversy with Mr Beast where he paid for a bunch of people to get their sight or hearing back. Those people had treatable conditions and were stuck living in a way that negatively impacted their lives simply because they couldn't afford it? Like I can't even imagine not being able to use one of my five senses just because I couldn't afford it, but I know that's um already a reality for like, people who can't afford hearing aids and stuff like that
I think I'm starting to ramble here but like, I wish people had more sympathy for the disabled (and im talking about like society, not the last ask just to be clear, I feel like they were legitimately just curious). Like sometimes when you see people like violently hating the homeless, sometimes those people are literally people who got into horrible accidents or had some sort of injury and they wound up addicted to painkillers and had to turn to drugs when they can't afford prescription pain meds or those prescriptions get them addicted. I had a manager who was in a car accident and the painkillers made her eventually switch to straight up heroin. Even our disabled vets don't get good healthcare half the time
But yeah, as for me, I guess consider myself kind of straddling the line between disabled and able bodied, leaning more towards able bodied, but I can still have issues, like my knees are still kinda jacked up and even though i can stand and walk great now, stairs can be really tough sometimes, especially when I'm coming home from work and my body aches. and I still get pains in my back sometimes when I'm bending and leaning to the point I use a menthol roll-on gel for pain relief. Part of me kind of likes that I, I dunno, overcame the challenge and all that, but like, I think I would've preferred a body that didn't hurt lol 😅
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schizopositivity · 1 year
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Hi there. First, I love your blog and have been finding it very helpful lately. Second, I just wanted some insight on what I'm currently going through. A traumatic event happened to me recently and I'm still dealing with the aftermath, it feels like it's made all my symptoms get worse and caused some old ones to resurface again, and I'm scared of things getting worse. The most convenient counseling available to me (in terms of the location and price) doesn't deal with more severe mental health conditions. They told me not to go back to them because they could only handle things like mild circumstantial depression and stress. So now I am trying to get back into long term therapy with a professional who'd be more equipped to handle cases like mine, but in the meantime, what coping mechanisms do you suggest just to keep me afloat for a while until I can access a professional again?
I don't want to get too detailed and unintentionally trigger anyone, but basically my intrusive thoughts have gotten especially bad (in all senses - frequency, intensity, how graphic/detailed they get), my "unhealthy beliefs" are becoming more obvious to the people around me and it's been interfering with my daily functioning, some other stuff has been going on that's hard to put into words tbh and overall it feels like my brain never gets a break from itself since it's so damn "loud" and it feels like the thoughts won't shut off. Sorry since I realize this is kind of a heavy topic, please don't feel pressured but if you have any resources or just advice from your own experience about how to cope with this for a while, I'd appreciate it a lot, please. I'm currently not a danger to myself or others because I do have family with me and they watch after me (check in on me, monitor my meds, etc.) but there is still that "divide" between me and them where they don't fully grasp what I'm going through and it just feels like hell inside of my own brain. Thank you.
first off im really sorry you went through something traumatic recently. you didnt deserve that or the after effects you got from it. i went through something traumatic earlier this year and it also made my symptoms worse, so youre not alone in that.
heres one resrouce, you can click on "what should i do if i experienced a traumatic event?"
as for dealing with intrusive thoughts, one thing i do is right after they happen i think to myself "obviously thats not what im thinking" or "clearly thats not my real conscious thoughts" as a way to dismess them as just intrusive thoughts and not anything to do with how i really feel. to discredit them and not give them any deeper meaning.
id also encourage you to talk more to your family and friends, to really open up and tell them the truth and how youre feeling and what youre thinking. most people want to know whats really going on with their loved ones. plus you never know what kind of advice and support they could offer until you open up. and maybe if talking isnt an easy way to show your emotions maybe do it through drawings or poetry, or even showing them a song or movie you relate to right now.
i wish you luck on getting the professional help you deserve. and if its possible, dont settle for someone you dont feel comfortable talking to or someone that isnt equipted to handle your problems. you wont offend a therapist/counselor/psychiatrist by changing to a different one, its their job to help you and if they cant its totatally normal and appropraite to switch to someone else, they dont take it personally.
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queerautism · 2 years
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right so it's call-out time for my old (and new) therapist
apparently my old therapist's impression of me was that 'i don't think my pills (supplements & meds) do me any good.' no, that's not true. she's gauged that i struggle with taking them, and sometimes i do want to tell the little inanimate objects to fvck off. it's a reminder of how broken i feel i am, as both a neurodivergent and physically disabled person. okay? okay. but i do know they do me a lot of good. my disease is rare; and my treatment does help. but there's still a lot of trauma associated with it. trauma that has apparently been watered down and minimized to mean stubbornness/laziness. i have a lot of trouble with taking my pills. it's something i don't think i'll ever get used to. but it's not because i'm obstinate. i swear. i wish it was easy. i wish i could look at it as just another form of self-care and self-cleansing, like taking a relaxing bath. and i don't even know how to explain to the medical establishment - which includes my old therapist - that you can be anti-recovery without being irresponsible or just plain wrong
and my new therapist is a lot better, because she's more accommodating, but every time i try to explain to her how my parents have traumatized me - and how i know there's nothing wrong with me, i know i'm being abused and i'm literally just venting because i finally can - she literally cuts me off mid-sentence and assumes that i need to do more to fix the problems i'm experiencing myself. i can't function around my parents. but apparently i need to just shrug it off and 'prove to them' that they shouldn't infantilize me anymore. i don't know what i can prove that i haven't already. coming up behind your nearly 21 year old kid at 11:00 PM and telling him "it's time to get off the computer" as if that's an objective, authoritative fact and not your individual opinion is already not okay. i don't need to prove shit.
Im so sorry, thats all bullshit
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failed221b-chill · 19 days
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Sat 9 March
Yesterday's emotional upheaval of anxiety and mess of brain greatly worsened from pms. Still legit concerns but extremity of emotion in response to them is much much lowered now. Started period last night and instantly calmer. Hormones are fucking wild.
In good news, my tracking of stuff in my bullet journal is actually helping me see patterns and learn what not to do next month (Very Important Lesson = don't take a break from self reg on the day when im at my most vulnerable to symptoms and injuries from estrogen spiking!!!)
Thank fuck for hot water bottles because we are putting the men in menstruation today ooof the cramps are excruciating. Have put aside all non urgent tasks until after pain has resided. Sleep and comfort main priorities. Also helps that i slept last night so im functioning on 7hrs rather than 2hrs sleep today.
Oh also i forgot i went onto my old venlafaxine tablets for the 37.5mg dose bc i ran out of the capsules and forgot to tell my doc in time, and i forgot i went onto the capsules as a trial to see if i could absorb them better than the tablets. And i could. So now im back on the tablets for a couple of weeks. Surprise surprise. Im not absorbing them. So all ive got absorbed is the 75mg capsules daily and im missing the extra 37.5mg that i need. So um. That has also definitely contributed to making it harder to not see everything that happens to me as the Worst Crisis Ever. Will have to call my doc and ask for more capsules on weds when she's next at work.
Been trying not to call her each week after the last time i called i ended up speaking too long and overran time and she told me and i reacted badly bc rejection sensitivity dysphoria is a bitch so now im like scared to call my bestie doc and talk to her because im aware ive needed her so much and im trying to not need her help as much but then now ive typed all tjat out of course ive been calling her i was literally dealing with medical things and she is a doctor its not like i was wasting time on the phone having a lighthearted conversation. I was asking her advice and getting her support and medicine stuff like. Thats what docs are for! I only have to call so much because i have a whole alphabet of things to deal with and its hard to tell the difference between something severely serious and something thats just something my cringefail body has decided to do now and something thats both and can get attention and help and something thats both that i have to just wait for it to pass and keep myself comfy as possible in the meantime.
Like. At me. It is okay and good and right to have an appointment with your doctor when you need to talk about healthcare and no wonder you need to talk about healthcare so regularly because you have so many complex multisystem conditions that managing your health is your full time job at the moment and you dont get days off from it. Of course you need help! It is okay to need help! You do not have to be so fiercely independent as to avoid your doctor because youre worried about taking up time from other patients. Thats not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to look after yourself. And no wonder your last appointment overran - you unexpectedly had a lot more things to talk about than when you planned the appointment because the referral got rejected and youd been to a&e two weeks before and youd got an infection and youd been diagnosed with ilo and you were also asking other questions that were urgent and you were talking through the blood test results!!!!
It is okay. Please call your doc on weds and get your meds renewed.
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fangtastic-vampyra · 2 months
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Well, things are improving, Wednesdays were always lucky for me~!
Managed to sell some items, getting them ready right now. Took meds, have slowly, but sort of rapidly all of a sudden-- become less disassociated. (DID/MPD) I'm so glad that it's diagnosed. Some people struggle to get it. My therapist is very cheery and optimistic, I would say, and very open minded.
Got some money from Klover, ($5) and hoping to mail the items today, which are teensy tiny girl clothes. I got cigarettes, and cigars, and I am so disgusted with myself for being this addicted, that I can't function without them...Having breathing difficulties and everything. I'm cut off from Louis, I think that was a polite way of telling me to go away... Like telling me he's got other girls to talk to.. I wish I would've allowed myself to settle down, but my brain laughs at me, and I'm just not ready. He will no longer give me money and my snaps were cut and the rent went up, but I got a free phone for joining ATT..
I saw this coming, he was getting tattoos and trying to get his hair how he wanted. Again. I feel he will be sorry, and I'm not just saying it to say, it either. He wanted me to stop T, and he was so against the goatee and such, and Im going to grow them anyway. I don't need anyone in my life, I need more money, which I'm trying to reduce the internet bill, umm, I don't know if that's at all possible.
I'm mostly a writer, and listener of songs, and I don't need video gaming speeds... But I'm not sure right now. >_< I guess the decision is making itself, and I just have my mom and sister and my ld bestie that I text, who is also schizophrenic like I am. I am not liking this life, , but I heard something say breakfast before I start fooling with the phone, and I had corn flakes with sweetner.. <3 I haven't had that in so long.
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haven-gum-rockrose · 6 months
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Completely oversharing vent over here
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Wow it's so wild to me when kids know things. Not cuz I think kids are stupid, those bitches are fucking genius and learning incarnate. But I grew up so so sheltered and didn't know anything until i was like 13-15 and started asking people in PE about puberty and sex ed and shit because i was a teenager who didnt even know proper terms for anything and had to ask a friend if vagina was a fucking curse word. never had any of these talks with my parents and like- adulting shit? i never heard about any of that until econ classes in senior year. or government classes also senior year(aside from like a bunch of trump jokes we made in middle school) both of which i had to play catchup in. theyre all like "act your age" and meanwhile im over here convinced that they may have actually permanently stunted me from ever fully maturing into a functioning adult. i still feel like- fucking fourteen or thirteen or twelve or something and act even younger and its bullshit. i knew that the middle finger was so so bad but didnt learn what a fucking slur was til Highschool when the teacher was like "nobody try to be funny, its pronounced Niger River." and i had to go do my own research as to why that was so bad. never had any talk about safety in any situation ever except when i told them i had online friends and they were like "you know theyre all old perverts right?" and that was the end of it. as if i hadnt already looked up internet safety myself, because how else does a person learn anything? The only safety lessons I got were "don't answer phone calls or open the door or have your face anywhere ever because if you do your crazy borderline personality disorder and paranoid schizophrenic older sister that we left in the psych ward on the other side of the country is going to find us and she's going to hurt you and your sister and your brothers" like she was a fucking boogeyman. That's you fucking daughter. Or your husband's daughter at least. AND IT'S LITERALLY THEM WHO REFUSED TO GIVE HER THE RIGHT MEDS AND MADE HER WORSE. And I don't even know her but now she has a daughter?? And suddenly they're like you should call her! As if she wasn't the scary story you told me all growing up? You mean the girl you said locked me in the bathroom and hit me with Dad's jeans or some shit when I was a baby? Like yeah it's not her fault, it's yours, but I don't want to fucking talk to her, I don't know her. Agh anyways. That got off topic. The point is. How the fuck do eleven year olds know about healthcare I learned about that shit at 16-17 I'm so dumb so very dumb.
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sociallyawkward--fics · 8 months
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hi xy time for what is becoming my annual checkin! how are u! i feel like since its been abt a year i have to infodump abt all my character development hold on i'll speedrun it. my pronouns r it/its zhey/zhem or (less preferred) they/them. and i have settled on those. it/its is the only one thats ever given me gender euphoria, took 4 years but i got there. ummm realized i have autism (undiagnosed). love the stimming and the being insane abt fictional characters the rest isnt that great. got anxiety meds!!!!! oh my god xy!!!! life is so good now antidepressants r a girls best friend. also. hold on ur never gonna believe this. i have adhd meds now. the crowd goes wild. was like yea doc idk i just think the anxiety meds r not improving my ability to focus what was that u said abt adhd^__^ n she was like hmmmm ok i cant diagnose u but i can give u this adderall u dont need a diagnosis for n if its like glory hallelujah we'll just assume u have it and GLORY HALLELUJAH. ive cleaned my room like more times in the past few months than i have my entire life im WINNING. i cant rly feel if its working but i'll sit down to write or smth n i wont get distracted every 5 seconds n the mental block that keeps me from doing things is gone!!!!! life changing stuff just wish i had it before my grades fuckin woooo splat. um my gpa is 2.2 weighted im like. ok well now that i have adhd meds im working on it -H (i feel like. ok i think tumblr made it so ur asks can be longer but fuck all those liberals n their woke agenda (joke) i am all abt tradition babey i'll be back for a pt 2 rq)
ummm rly into books love books. "thats old news h everyone knows that" but like im being wonderfully unnormal abt them<3 there was this one series the ascendance trilogy n i was fucking OBSESSED w it when i was younger n i learned there was a 4th n 5th book recently so like. the trilogy thing was a fuckin lie. but i obviously had to reread the series so i could read the new books n im still so obsessed w the series its so banger for a middlegrade series. got so unnormal abt it i made a 7hr playlist for the main character bc everyone elses sucked so much ass i just had to. still in the process of rereading but yeah. also theres this OTHER series the raven cycle i read recently n im also obsessed w that these series r all like my ideal books they hit all my favorite tropes. yeah just being rly unnormal abt books thats my current obsession. also. drawing. im so good at it u wouldnt believe. next fuckin van gogh right here. n honestly i dont even care abt going off anon it just bothers me bc my ROUTINE. the TRADITION. its just not the same. but i'll go off it just for u to show u some of my banger art. at a stage where im pretty frustrated at my limitations but that doesnt mean i cant recognize that im fucking awesome ok hold on again -H but yea ok to finish up what have u been up to! tempted to just ask what shows/game/etc uve been into but also i am exerting a little of my brain power to realize some ppls lives dont revolve around those. so just liek what have u been spending a lot of time doing. how is writing going! wait what r ur drawing skills just out of curiosity draw smth for me (if ur comfy ofc n dw i completely understand if it fuckin sucks taht was me just over a year ago) -H (when i was younger i used to think that ppl couldnt be good at writing n drawing they had to choose one. exerted my baby brain power to be like. it takes too long to get good at them u can only do one. then saw a book w the cover art credited to the author n i was like woahhh this is fuckin crazy living my younger selfs pipe dream)
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The way I have had a reminder on my phone to answer these asks for MONTHS but my executive function has been GARBAGE i am so sorry my friend it was not intentional to leave this sitting for so long i am so sorry!!! (also between the two of us this got Long so i am putting a read more so i don't take up a big block of people's dash in my return from the dead lol)
thank you for pronouns update! congrats on meds!! i gotta get me some of those so i can Detroit: Become Functional lol. I am rooting for you with your GPA!!! Also lol, love that we are following tradition of multiple asks still even with the tumblr updates letting asks be way longer now lol, it is just Familiar To Us
I will have to look into the ascendance trilogy!! My sibling is also obsessed with the raven cycle, but i have not read it yet (still debating if i want to or not, have been for YEARS lol, because i keep hearing "author problematic" and then never remember Why because i have Goldfish Memory). I will not post your off-anon ask with the artwork unless you want me to (want you to feel comfy on the blog and sending asks and I know you prefer anon!), but i will say that your art is AWESOME, my friend!! you are SO good and you're only going to keep getting better! I am glad you enjoy it!
Also bestie. This is a neurodivergent space lol, my life also revolves around shows/games/books/etc. they are the only thing that make the monotony of life and job-having under a neurotypical capitalistic society bearable lol. I actually have been getting back into reading ACTUAL BOOKS lately which feels GREAT (because reading Actual Books when i am so tired and Non-Functioning all the time is Hard lol), i am finally going through my seemingly-endless TBR and also have reread some old faves this year. Games-wise, the only thing i ever think about is still the Dragon Age games, Alistair is the love and light of my life lol. Show-wise.... i am in Limbo because of the Exhaustion, tragically, and also just waiting on new seasons (OFMD). Witcher has a new season out, but i have not watched it yet because Energy and also i have no motivation to because the last season they put out was so bad (even if i hear this one is good, i have lost trust lol)
Writing is. Not quite going lol. I have not finished a fanfic in ages, and also have made little to no progress on any of my original work attempts either, tragically. Hopefully things look up for me soon cuz I wanna get stuff DONE again lol, this blog has become so quiet and near obsolete because i cannot FINISH anything and it is TRAGIC.
Also, I have little-to-no drawing skills, but I also unfortunately do not have much energy to apply to drawing you a picture atm :(( maybe someday. Sometimes I can draw something that makes me go "omg i am not Awful, maybe I could actually put thoughts and energy into learning this as a skill" and other times it is like "i will never put pencil to paper (or stylus to screen) ever again" lol. Maybe someday when i am doing Better again i will hopefully have the energy to draw you something!!
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