#im praying to fucking god at this point that he wont remember to message me when he gets back from hawaii im hoping

[mosviqu]

IT PISSES ME OFF SO MUCH AND I HATE ALL OF THE THINGS I GOT TO KNOW ABOUT THIS ERA THEIR HARD WORK IS NOT APPRECIATED ENOUGH WAHHH

i didn't even have the motivation to check out the last song from them ngl💔💔very sad about them but maybe i will like it after watching music shows lmao i wont give up (fully) on the 03liners💔 WAITTTT TRUE HOW DID I FORGET ABOUT INTAK WHAT THE HECK I WAS SO HAPPY ABOUT HIM (and same i saw that they are having a cb and i was like:o i forgot about u guys:o) AN AMAZING CREW!!!! also would selfishly add enhypen sunoo he is a lovely 03 liner as well🥹 (idk know mcnd☹️☹️ i heard like 2-3 of their songs but i never checked them out☹️ BUT IM HAPPY THERE IS AN 03 LINER IN THERE!!!)

IT IS IMPORTANT BUT IM STILL NOT SURE IF ITS 100% TRUE😭 i love keeho so much like that was the point where i was like yeah u are going to be my fav from here!! seeing the screenshots of it still makes me laugh so much

i can imagine that😭 my sister was in the exact same situation as u💀

IT WAS!!!! dino is lovely and i would love to see u being his body guard ngl🤣 I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY THEY DIDNT DO IT💔💔just such a big heartbreak💔💔ALSO TALKING ABOUT TREASURE DID U HEAR THE SNIPPET HE POSTED OF A SONG??? it sounds very great imo

I CAN SO RELATE TO THAT!!! english is so hard without english classes i never realized that till now💔 i only talk in english with my sister but it's a mess i even just struggle to put together sentences now😭 writing my replies takes so much brain cells from me so i always just pray that u will get what i'm trying to say even if it's not correct lmao🥸 RECORDING VLOGS IS SO MUCH FUN!! i did it for a while and it was so amazing so i recommend it only sent them to my bestie but it was actually so funny😭 THE BRITISH PEOPLE GOT US REAL HARD💔

(AHHH THANK U SO MUCH;-; I APPRECIATE IT!!! HANBIN!!! I HOPE U WILL HAVE MORE MOMENTS OVER HIM LMAO HE IS VERY GREAT😌 although be careful with asking me about zbone members cuz idk three of them;-; but working on it🤞 and u can tag me or message me ofc i dont mind🥹💕) (liebestraum anon🥳💕)

LITERALLYYYY i saw a tiktok where it compared all the other dances where its a member x woman (ten or baek) and it said "so this is okay, but this isnt?" showing enha and the comments were like "we are the problem" LMAO so at least they are self-aware.

no because i was really disappointed too >:(( but the title track still slaps i said what i said. watched them perform it too and they have cute bubbly vibes i am heartbroken for the lack of interest from my side. NO BC WHEN I STARTED BIASING INTAK AND REALISED HE WAS A 03 LINER I HAD A MENTAL BREAKDOWN. ((still am a jiung girlie at heart tho). i am really excited for their cb tho it sounds amazing!!! HOW DID I FORGET ABOUT SUNOO WHAT THE FUCK AAAAAAAAAA IM SO SORRY he's my fav 03 liner. ((there are actually 2 03 liners in mcnd but i forgot the other one LMAO i honestly cant remember their names anymore but i had a very short mcnd phase lol. all i know is that i'd die for minjae thats all)

i would honestly be a good bodyguard bc i have a lot of rage in me. like i could fully fight someone if i was mad enough LMAOO. everything for dino baby <3 I DID SEE THE SNIPPET I LOST MY SHIT LOWKEY HIGHKEY I AM SO EXCITED AAAAAAA

i mean english isnt really hard for me if we are talking abt writing and stuff but speaking out loud is more difficult if you don't regularly do it >:( dont worry we are on the same wavelength i always know what u mean w your replies AHAH sometimes i speak in eng w my roommate bc she is an english major (she only picked the major bc of me and then i ended up doing psychology so i owe her this bc her english isnt as good as mine) I USED TO RECORD VLOGS W MY BROTHER but we never posted them thank god. i'm still down to do it honestly its so fun LMAO

hanbin.......i looked up his name on tiktok once and now my fyp is filled with him and im so in love he's so cute and adorable and sweet like i saw clips of ppl giving him letters and how much he loves getting them and even asked if anyone has letters for him please zb1 fans give him letters!!!!!! no bc i only know ricky, hanbin, zhang hao and matthew :,) but the more i see them on my fyp the more i am convinced to stan once they debut like i legit debated on watching boys planet yesterday bc i lowkey like survival shows but when i found out the eps are 2 hours long i decided to just....not...do that...

also a small update on the tbz recs i did some progress and i really liked diamond life and survive the night :p i have like 11 songs left from the ones u recommended LMAO but yeah i loved those two

#liebestraum anon #also when i saw you reblog my fic i almost cried

[idonthaveaname3765]

.

#im praying to fucking god at this point that he wont remember to message me when he gets back from hawaii im hoping

[mitchsmarners]

when tomorrow comes (i’ll be on my own)

rating: mature

pairing: eddie kaspbrak/richie tozier

summary: Richie pushed himself up on his elbows and smirked. “You know, Eddie my love, we suddenly have great potential right here. Don’t you remember what it was like? Back in Derry… all the sneaking around, the thrill of getting caught all the time? What an adrenaline rush!”

“What a constant risk of anxiety attack you mean,” Eddie corrected, but he was grinning too. “But yeah, it was pretty exciting. What’s your point?”

“What if… and really hear me out here, Eds… we just let them think we were broken up?”

note: check AO3 for extended chapter ending!!

chapter count: 3/5

from king trashmouth<3: keep me updated on your date! bet he falls in love with you in 6 seconds! he’ll see how cute you are and he wont be able to help himself!

Eddie chuckled to himself and fought the urge to clutch his phone to get chest. He hadn’t realized how much he was going to miss his boyfriend. He really hadn’t given any thought to just how much time he and Richie spent together, until they were no longer able to spend every waking (and truthfully, most sleeping) moments together. The only reason they weren’t physically joined at the hip was because Eddie’s over bearing mother had refused pay for school if he was living with Richie.

to king trashmouth<3: he works with bill on the creativity news letter. im expecting him to be a huge fucking nerd

from king trashmouth<3: oh so totally your type! *kiss emoji*

to king trashmouth<3: my type is Richie Tozier, so unless my blind date is secretly you then he’s not my type at all

from king trashmouth<3: <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

from king trashmouth<3: EDDIE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

from king trashmouth<3: HURRY OVER AFTER YOUR DATE SO WE CAN HAVE SEX

Eddie inhaled sharply, squeezing his eyes shut. He clutched his phone tightly in his hands and took several deep breaths. That was another thing he had learned about himself and Richie since this whole thing began: Eddie really liked having sex. He knew, of course, that he enjoyed sex but he’d never felt like he and Richie’s sex life was all that important. He hadn’t thought that it mattered all that much, sex or no sex, but once it became increasing more difficult to find time and place for them to have sex, Eddie had been practically gagging for it. Something Richie had been more than happy to point out.

to king trashmouth<3: stan?

from king trashmouth<3: meeting pattys parents. gonna be gone

from king trashmouth<3: all

from king trashmouth <3: weekend

Eddie swallowed roughly, truly being tossed back into the days of living with their parents in secret. It was rush, Richie had been right. Remembering hushed nights and how they’d practically be popping out of their jeans at the mere mention of Richie’s parents leaving town for even just one night. It was sharp and intense, and it left Eddie’s heart hammered in his chest.

“Eddie?” A voice called over to him as a man approached the table. Eddie looked up, blinking. Bill had quiet possibly over-sold the attractiveness of this friend, but Eddie had expected as much. Everybody oversold their friends for a date, even if Eddie had never actually been set up on a date before. Jake From Creative News Letter sort of had an…  Richie look to him, if he were being honest. The kind of person that if he and Richie had actually broken up, Beverly and Stan would probably been concerned for his mental health if he started dating this Jake dude. He had curly hair- a lighter shade of brown than Richie’s, but similar in texture- and thick rimmed glasses. His clothes were tamer colours, but still loose button up shirts over T-shirts with ripped jeans. Ugly boots.

to king trashmouth<3: not richie is here! ill text u when were done! love you!

from king trashmouth<3: ill give you 15 bucks and a blow job if you call him not richie at one point on his date eddie i stg

Eddie smirked to himself, and greeted Jake From Creative News Letter. He took the seat across from Eddie in the café and started asking simple questions. What Eddie assumed were first date questions, but Eddie had never really had a first date. Sure, they’d had their first date- and hundreds and hundreds after that- but they weren’t like this. There was no awkward questions, or getting to know each other process, or wondering if they were going to spilt the bill. Eddie couldn’t believe that people had the patient and strength to do shit like this regularly. Eddie never wanted to do anything like this again, and he was more than thankful that it was unlikely that he would have to.

Jake From Creative News Letter was a nice guy. Funny, objectively good looking, played soccer. Obviously smart on some level, if he worked with the journalism department. Eddie knew from living with Bill during first year that it was a hard as fuck process to get accepted to write anywhere with the department, let alone the creative wing. All in all, Bill had made a good call in a blind date for Eddie. Although Eddie was pretty sure if he’d actually broken up with Richie and Bill had suggested going out with some dude less than a week later, Eddie probably would have punched him in the face.

“Hey, Eddie, are you okay?” Jake From Creative News suddenly broke through Eddie’s thoughts, reaching a hand out to rest on top of Eddie’s. The contact lasted only a short moment, but Eddie had to fight off the urge to crinkle his nose in disgust and yank away. “You’re just really quiet, I don’t know if that’s normal, but I… You don’t need to be nervous. I know you just got out of a serious relationship and this probably isn’t your idea of a good time right now.”

Eddie smiled gently, wrapping both hands around his almost cooled drink. “Sorry I’m totally wasting your time, right now.”

Jake From Creative News Letter chuckled, ducking down to look at the table. “No, it’s okay, I mean honestly… when Bill was trying to set this thing up, he wasn’t actually all that convincing. Kept talking about your ex, how much he likes him. If he wasn’t so obviously straight, I think he was trying to get you out of the picture so he could go after your ex.”

Eddie barked out a laugh, shaking his head. “Bill and Richie? No, no, that’s… that’s a hilarious thought. They’re… I swear to God, Richie never seems more like a straight dude than when he’s hanging out with Bill. They’re pretty much the definition of bros.”

An odd smile came over Jake’s face. “Feel free to tell me I’m way out of line, but… you don’t really talk about this Richie guy like he’s your ex.”

Eddie’s gut tensed and he bit down on his lip. Richie had mentioned off-handedly something along the same lines; that Beverly was worried about how normal Eddie was being. That he didn’t seem like somebody who was working through a devastating break up, but Eddie felt that in his defense; he didn’t know how to behave as though he were going through a devastating break up and he prayed that he never would. “I guess…” Eddie said slowly with a shrug, knowing damn well whatever he said would be getting back to Bill. “It just doesn’t feel like we’re broken up.”

“You’re in love with him.” Eddie just smiled bashfully, knowing there was no damn way he could bring himself to deny that. It wouldn’t be fair to anybody, but Eddie wouldn’t have been able to pull off the lie even if he tried.  “Why break up then?”

“I…” Eddie croaked. “It be like that… sometimes.”

Jake raised his brow, almost smirking. “Yeah, I guess it does. But Eddie… it’s all over your face, you know? You barely mentioned Richie, but I could tell. I’m sure anybody could tell, so just… Don’t let this Richie guy get away from you, if you can make it work.”

Eddie swallowed roughly, blinking away tears that surprised him. Tears that didn’t need to be welling up in his eyes right now, because he wasn’t loosing Richie. His phone had vibrated three times during this date that were no doubt his boyfriend demanding attention. He and Richie were solid, they’d be solid since before they were even officially together in any romantic sense. Richie Tozier was the most beautifully constant in his life, and Eddie would never let anything come between that. “I… Uhm…” He shook his head, throat still a little choked up. “I’m sorry, I need to go. I… I’m sorry.”

“No,” Jake shook his head, smiling. “Nothing to be sorry for. Go work it out.”

Eddie pushed back from the café table, thanking Jake once more and rushed for the front door. He yanked his phone out of his pocket, ready to call Richie before realizing that Stan may not have left yet, and opened his text messages with a pang to the chest.

to king trashmouth<3: date over and i miss u blease tell me stan is gone

from king trashmouth<3: he and patty are getting ready to leave rn

from king trashmouth<3: just stop by your room give bill a short run through of the date and well be good to go ;)

to king trashmouth<3: i love you

from king trashmouth<3: i love you eddie always <3

--

Eddie let himself into his dorm room, not surprised to find Bill sitting on the bed waiting for him to come in. “So, how did it go?”

Eddie sighed, tossing his phone onto his bed and kicking at the carpet. “It was fine, I guess. Jake’s nice, we… we talked about Richie.”

Bill, to Eddie’s great surprise, beamed even brighter. “Good. I was hoping you would!”

Eddie choked on his tongue. “You set me up on a blind date in hopes that I’d talk about Richie? Why?”

“Because you won’t talk about Ruh-Rich to any of us,” Bill said with a shrug, suddenly seeming disinterested. “Which is fine, I guess, since we’re all friends. I get if you don’t want to tells us what happened, or what’s going on, but you need to talk about it if you’re ever going to get over him.”

Eddie’s stomach tightened a little bit at the casual tone in his best friend’s voice. Get over him, as though Eddie was ever going to do that.  He was pretty sure that if he and Richie ever broke up, he’d just take a pledge of celibacy and maybe join a cult in the woods. As depressing as that thought was, Eddie didn’t really have any plans to be with somebody who wasn’t Richie for the rest of his life. He’s known that since he was thirteen years old.

“Yeah, well.” Eddie shook his head, glancing sideways as his phone light up with a text alert from Richie. His heart beat sped up, realizing that it meant Stan and Patty were likely gone and he was in the clear to sneak over- as soon as he could get away from Bill. “Casting me into a date with Walmart Brand Richie who you’d told how great Richie was to the point where he thinks you’re a little bit in love with him definitely got us talking about Richie Tozier.”

Bill just laughed. “If I were going to go down on any rocking twink in this school, it would be Richie for sure. No offense, Ed.”

Eddie rolled his eyes and clenched his jaw. “Yeah, okay. Well, I’m going to go out and-“

“Wait!” Bill jumped up, making a mad grab for Eddie’s phone. Eddie dove for it first, making quick work of swiping away Richie’s text notification. “Since you’re coming to terms with Richie and you being over, you nuh-nuh-need to download Tinder.”

Eddie shot his brows up under his hair light and his mouth dropped open slightly. “I’m not fucking doing that!”

“Come on, Eddie,” Bill sighed. “You’ve literally only ever had sex with Richie, you gotta get ouh-ouh-out there! Get some kno-knotches in your bed-bedpost!”

Eddie was pretty sure his actual stomach churned in that moment. “You’re disgusting, that’s not fucking happening. I have to go.” Eddie grabbed his phone and attempted to make a mad dash to the door, trying to ignoring Bill’s shouts of “juh-just think about it!” as he dodged out the door. He ran most of the way to Richie’s dorm, realizing as he stood outside the door that he didn’t actually read Richie’s text and had absolutely no idea if Stan was in there or not. Realizing that in this moment, with Bill’s suggestion of going out and getting laid by somebody who wasn’t Richie ringing in his mind, Eddie didn’t care if Stan was there or not. He’d exposed them willingly right now, even knowing that Richie would never let him live it down if it happened.

He knocked once, hearing Richie call for him to come in, and quickly tumbled into the room. Richie looked up from his textbook and his face, slamming the book shut and jumping to his feet. Eddie’s heart flipping inside his chest as he watched Richie stumble a little bit in his exactment and he couldn’t hold back the little happy noise that rumbled out of his throat. He slammed the dorm door shut behind him and launched himself at his boyfriend, leaping into Richie’s waiting arms and clutching his legs tightly around Richie’s waist the moment his feet left the ground. Sure, maybe Richie stumbled immediately and ended up flat on his back on the bed but Eddie wouldn’t have expected anything else.

Eddie pulled away from Richie’s neck and could only stare down at this face for a moment before his breath hitched and leaned in to press a kiss to Richie’s nose. “Fuck, this is such bullshit. Bill is an asshole.”

Richie’s over excited grin dropped to a look of concern in a single second. One of the hands that were wrapped around Eddie’s waist came up to cup Eddie’s cheek. “What happened, babe? If that fucking news letter bitch did something to you, I swear to fuck-“

“No,” Eddie chuckled wetly. “No, Jake was fine, he… he was nice, you know? We mostly just talked about you.”

“Were you telling him what an amazing dick he’d have to live up to?” Richie asked cockily, but there was a look of insecurity in his eyes that made Eddie’s heart sink. “Because I’ve been working real hard on making sure your dick only reacts to mine, so this Jake dude can just-“

“Chill, Rich,” Eddie laughed, leaning back to rest his head on Richie’s chest. He could feel Richie’s heart beating, a little fast, a little frantically and it made Eddie’s blood rush. “I guess Bill really upsold how great you are because he wanted me to talk about you. Guess he’s worried about how I don’t seem to be accepting our break up, or some bullshit.”

Richie ran his nails up and down Eddie’s spine, in the way he knew so well made Eddie’s skin break out in goosebumps and his blood boil. “Stan’s all worried about me, too. You should have heard him trying to convince me to come stay with Patty’s parents this weekend, like he thinks I’m going to off myself the second he leaves campus or some shit. Fucking ridiculous.”

Eddie rubbed small circles into Richie’s chest, feeling his boyfriend’s breath catch. “Bill wants me to download Tinder. Thinks I need to have some one night stand to get over you.”

Richie went stiff underneath him, silence ringing through the spared space for too long. Eddie’s heart was beating so fast now, he truly feared it might pop right out of him. “Are you going to? Download Tinder, I mean… I know you aren’t going hook up with anybody, obviously.”

Eddie sat up slightly, resting both hands on Richie’s chest and dropping his chin down on top of them. “Bill told me to think about it, but honestly? The mere thought of it makes me feel disgusting. Like going on that date was bad enough, you know? I already know I’ll never be with anybody except you, so I don’t… I can’t say you’re the only person I’ve ever dated anymore.” Eddie’s voice hitched and Richie’s fingers pushed through his hair.

“Hey, hey, no.” Richie’s eyes were soft in a way they only ever were when Eddie knew he seemed breaking vulnerable. When Richie felt safe to be just as open and emotional. “One stupid blind date that I pretty much fucking told you to go now does not count, alright? We’ve only ever dated each other, and it’s always going to be that way, okay? Fuck anything else.”

“That’s easy for you to say,” Eddie said. “You’re not the one who went on the date.”

Richie hummed. “Would you feel better if I did go on one? If we both go on stupid dates that we both know don’t count, then maybe it won’t bother you so much that you did it.”

Eddie bit his lip. Would that make him feel better? Eddie’s original instincts said No, absolutely not. Richie going out on a date with some stranger would certainly only make Eddie feel worse about this whole thing, but then he came to a pause. One of his favourite things about his relationship with Richie was that since the beginning they’d experienced all the same things, and in truth- his issue with having gone on this date wasn’t so much that he’d gone on a date with somebody else… it was that Richie never had.

“Honestly? It might.” Eddie said a little wishfully, staring up at Richie with his biggest puppy eyes. “If you’d be comfortable with it, I think I’d be okay with it. One date, like I did.”

“I’d do anything for you, baby,” Richie assure him, pressing a singular soft kiss to Eddie’s lips.

Eddie smiled, nosing at the side of Richie’s face. “Kay, but I’m not downloading Tinder. Fuck that.”

Richie chuckled and reached down to squeezed Eddie’s hips. “Good. Because if some random dude sends you a dick of his dick, I really don’t think my ego could handle it.”

Eddie let out a small hum, leaning back so he and Richie were pressed together nose to nose. He let his eyes drop to Richie’s lips, knowing how it drove his boyfriend crazy when it did. “Okay, but can we have sex now or?” Eddie didn’t need to say another word before Richie was pushing up on his elbows to press their lips together.

#reddie #reddie fic #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #it fanfiction #my writing #when tomorrows comes #re-posting bc i checked mobile and it wasn't :) in :) the :) tag :) #here's to hoping!

[sterted]

This is lengthy. Please, allow me to do this. For one last time. Huli na to. I honestly dont know where to start, i suck at intros. Idk if you still remember it, i said it to you one time. It doesn't matter. Franz Ernest, this is a eulogy to all the feelings and love i have left of you. Please, let me do this. 6 months after you broke up with me, i managed to build myself up again. I was depressed back then, stuck in the idea of second chances and coming back. I managed to find myself in the process. During those 6 months, it wasn't easy. I had to cry everyday, every night, just to ease the pain and self-pity i had with myself. Until i decided to accept things as they were. I thought i was already okay. I started to open my heart again in silence. I dated one guy. Things were too fast for us, i wasnt able to control myself, i let him touched my skin. But he was an asshole.

The pain didn't last too long, naging okay din ako after don sa kanya ng ilang weeks. I was surprised. I started to pick myself up again. There were handful of guys na nagpaparamdam but i wasn't ready anymore. Pero hinayaan ko lang. I entertained them. Everything became a play nalang sa akin. I wasn't looking for serious relationship bc i know, hindi sila yung hinahanap ko. Hindi ko alam anong hinahanap ko.

I was lost again. I fucked things up. I drank countless bottles of beer and whiskey and tequila. I smoked countless cigarettes. I tasted a couple of lips. I fucked many feelings i didn't intend to. I hurt people's feelings. I was called bad influence for having my bestfriend with me sa mga inuman. I was so fucked up i didn't realize the consequences of my actions. I self-loathe every night. I was depressed again. Anxiety kicked back in. I cried in front of my family, all they knew was bc the problem i had with my academics but no. I ruined friendships bc i hurt somebody else's feelings. I felt like i ruined everything, everyone, that's in my way. Life goes on after all. The world didn't stop rotating. I carry on. Even if it feels like im hanging at the edge of a cliff every single day but i still carry on. All these things happened the day you and teejay broke up. You were so depressed. I was wandering in nothingness with you when you were in your peril. Funny lang kasi ikaw yung may pinagdaraanan nun pero affected din ako sa lahat. To be honest, happy ako sayo non Franz. I have witnessed you grow as a person. Like a phoenix, you said, that rose from the ashes. Since the beginning i never lose sight of you, figuratively. There wasn't a day that i never checked your social media accounts. Facebook, twitter, tumblr, instagram, snapchat, and even skype. I walked your path. There's nothing to be ashamed of, if you know what i mean. You had to do those things that you did because it was part of your healing process from me. I broke you too and you had to do things that an ex should do — move on and fall in love again.

I wont lie that i was hurt knowing that you had already someone new in your life, but God knows how much i wanted you to be happy, and i knew you were happy, and your happiness was my happiness. It was painful seeing how clingy and showy you were with him, unlike what we had before when we remained our privacy to the both of us with a thin line of secrecy. But again, i was happy for you. I understood your eagerness to be a better man, a better partner, boyfriend. You wanted to be better at everything so you wont commit the same mistake again you did by hurting someone, by making them less of your priority. You wanted to be a better person, you wanted to be braver that love should be showed off regardless of sexuality. I was proud that at some point, you learned, i became a lesson. You dont have to say it bc i know. I've always known.

I was happy for you until that time came you two broke up. You were so depressed. I felt the emptiness and despair you had in those times. Because i once lived in them. I had witnessed you in your downfall and worst. I had crawled in your skin to understand every bit of your thought. I knew about your depression and your anxiety and i was gnashing my teeth bc i can do nothing about it. I was out of the map already. But there were countless times that i was tempted to reach out, countless times i composed a letter. Dont laugh but i sent letters/confessions countless times in those fb pages, for i knew you were fond of reading them. I was hoping you read what i wrote but maybe destiny had it, none of it was posted. You know what i did? I prayed for you every night. I prayed to God to heal you and make you recover from your peril. But you knew i am stubbornly impatient. I did one of the most stupidest things, i messaged your sister, Stephanie. I said to her to look after you for i know you were not very open to your family about your depression and anxiety. I told her that you need professional guidance. Remember my friend who was a psychologist? I told her about your depression and anxiety, and she told me that you really are in need of professional guidance, so i told your sister. I know i should've not said that but i was so desperate to help you in the most possible way i knew. I got a pang in my chest seeing and reading all your posts. I did what i did. Idk, if nabasa yon ng ate mo, it doesnt matter. I guess..

It all started there. My anxiety and depression kicked back in. I was appeased knowing that slowly you were recovering and i didn't realize that slowly too, i was going back to where i picked up myself. From the start. Back to zero. Nag move on ako ulit, and without realizing again, hindi pala ako totally nag move on. Ikaw pa din pala. All along, ikaw pa rin. I ignored the thought. But you cant just ignore it so easily. I fucked things up. Yung mga sinabi ko kanina, yun yung nangyari sa loob ng tatlong buwan. I dont know myself anymore, i lose myself in the process and this time idk where myself is. Everything became a snowball of problem. I lose my control, i lose myself, i was having suicide thoughts of ending everything. I dont want to die but the idea of ending the pain became very alluring. I was scared to be left alone. I stare at my ceiling every 3am doing nothing. Listening to the songs that we used to listen to. Umiiyak ako ng hindi ko namamalayan. I relive the pain everyday. I've been stuck in the idea of you, in the idea na there's no other person who could make me feel the way you made me feel how to love and how to be loved by someone who is very genuine. You set the bar high, so high, that i ignore every person who came into my life. You set the bar so high that i become scared to be hurt again. I have been stuck in the idea na babalik ka. I have been very selfish and dishonest in my prayers that every time i asked God to make you happy, deep inside me has been asking Him na sana ikaw na, na ikaw nalang.

Sorry, i have to say all of these things. I have to and i need to. I hope you understand. Deep in my heart and God knows, i am not blaming you to every thing that has happened to me. There's no one to be blamed but myself. Do not blame yourself for I am not your liability. You are not obligated of anyone's feelings especially mine. You have perils to deal on your own even if i wasn't in it anymore. For one last time please let me say this. Let me relive the ghosts we once were..

You wore white shirt, black skinny jeans, and white starwars vans shoes with a galaxy jansport bag with your white nike cap attached in it. You wore those smiles and those messy curly hair and those eyes searching for a 5'4 ft tall guy wearing a red plaid shirt with a black shirt, jeans, shoes, and bag. Our eyes met as if the moon and sun touched each other for the first time. Every moment was euphoric, Franz Ernest. I was looking at the best man, the best person, that ever happened to me. I was looking at you in those 4am sleep while i was lying in your chest praying and thanking God that He gave me you. I was praying that someday all those coffees in breakfasts, all those piggyback, those endless laughter in our socks and boxers with our dogs in our feet and pizzas in our hand, and all those deep conversations with a milk or tea or whiskey in our side, i was praying that all these things will happen soonest in the future where you at my side against all odds. I was staring at the person, with his eyes closed and his eyelashes perfectly curved and cheeks so squishy. I was staring at you every 4am when you spent your days here. The world was quite all i heard was the sound of your breathing like lullabies in my ears. The time has come for the sun to bid goodbye to the moon, like minutes spent in twilight, you whispered in my ear that you will return. Every word was spoken breathlessly, with all the innocence and genuineness of a brave soul. I was so proud of you Franz Ernest. I have always been. You are not an epitome of despair because you were the best thing that ever happened to me. I am proud of you because you have attained your Moksha. You were reborn in the braver version of yourself today. You're a leo and i'm a cancer who both once wished to take the world together.

This would be the last piece that Im writing for you. A eulogy of all the feelings and love i have left of you. I never stopped writing poems or anything about you but this time, i must say, this writer has to find himself. This writer has once again proved that if there's something you want to say, say them no matter how tongue-tied you are. We create our own path. You have found your home and it wasnt me all along. I love you so much and thank you for everything. Wishing you all the best things and abundance in life Franz Ernest Jacob Valera.