#im really out here laughing at myself

[alsojnpie]

hey. um. i love him

#O_O i really love him #it's getting warmer every day and i can't draw him in a sweater for much longer #by the way. is this site going to. yknow. die #sigh........i kept telling myself I'd get better at it one day #kind of like the way i tell myself i can get together courage to speak up but i never do #using another website just sounds so depressing #im not good at social media. im tired of pretending like i can get good at it #but you can't even pretend like you can jump into a conversation if no one is having a conversation #i wanted to be part of a community here but i never could figure out what belonging looked like or how i could do it #and maybe it's my fundamental misunderstanding of that that prevents it but how can i understand it without experience #I'm so jealous of everyone who looks like they achieved what i couldn't even put my finger on. but since i didn't even understand it #i can't even be sure what exactly im jealous of #the other day i walked past a trio of friends and they had their arms around each other and were laughing as they walked #and i felt really strongly that even though I've always wanted a friend like that I'm actually fundamentally incompatible with that. #there's several reasons #but it made me feel really sad. but it made me feel a little better too. i guess it's really not my fault. maybe. i don't really know #in that moment it felt very much like something that was not my fault. and it was nice and sad at the same time #idk what's going to happen here. but one thing i know for sure is that i can have a happy tomorrow. no matter what #no matter what i have to give up on. i can find joy in other things. even in myself #and if there's one idea that he is about. it's that one

[queen0fm0nsterz]

Reading my fave thin man and lady fic. Kicking my feet a lot because tbh. Sometimes a sad man really is just a weird woman's science project in a way that is so homoerotic

#carols.txt #when i tell you i've been re-reading this single one shot religiously every single month for almost three years I mean it #《straight》 ship so good we call it queerbaiting #LMAOOOOOO #call it yaoyuri the way these old people r tragic and doomed by the narrative or whatever #listen as a bi person on the aroace spectrum whatever this fic was trying to convey really strikes a cord #while its not the same as my own this characterization of them is so intriguing. im so hooked on it #^^ one thing i think this person really nailed was thin man's immaturity (stemming from his emotions oftentime being too big to control) -> #and the desire of attention that comes with said immaturity while also having the lady be both cold (normal) and intrigued in a way that -> #that really fits her character. curiosity is one of the many facets that make up her character that don't get explored much and i think its #done so well here for like no reason💀 THIS AUTHOR COOKED TOO HARD YOU GUYS #like ofc she wouldnt send him away. shes studying him under a microscope. even though hes annoying as hell #thin man is plagued by sassy man syndrome in this which is really fucking funny cus it lasts a total of 3 seconds before she finds him out #PLUS THE TALK ABOUT THE TOWER AND THE WORLD... AUGHHH #i need this author to give me their brain NOW #AUGHHHHHAAGGGHEEHH #everyone needs to start doing thinlady the way this person was doing it #this is the biblically accurate old people (in case my theory abt baby lady having been in the pale city is wrong) #live laugh love. its my birthday. spoiling myself a bit. goddamn.

[always-a-joyful-note]

After finishing the SS story, it really is so funny to me that these boys all managed to pull off a wildly convoluted plan to take down the various threats to their industry with zero prior or concurrent communication. No wonder Gatekeeper told Seiya that idols were insane and he is not touching the industry with a ten-foot pole. Imagine how powerful ES would be if the idols liked each other actually properly talked to scheme their plans

#to be fair the last time that happened was the war (tsumugi eichi and keito) and that went..... #i mean it succeeded but at what cost really? #enstars #ensemble stars #fandom spamdom #note's notes #anyway things are getting busier and im so glad i managed to do the ss finals event before im swamped #seriously though no one here actually talked and they still managed to claw out a happyish ending #i almost laughed myself to death when the ending was basically 'nagisa became god and now eichi's gotta watch out' #normal idol game of all time

[miallurk]

In these days i realized i like art and writing and creating and shopping and taking walks and talking to people and cleaning and helping and studying and doing things but i'm just. too stressed, tired and burned out to do them. How great!

#i am losing my sanity day by day #drowning myself in the nearby lake seems better and better every day #why am i even writing this i have literally no mutuals or even people who'd care about #don't mind me crying myself to sleep haha #ooooh look at this pathetic baby. sitting in their little bed crying stupid tears. i should at least get tissues now while my crying isn't #fuck history fuck school and fuck me i quess #am i gonna start treating this as an actual blog and make a sideblog for reblogs? who knows! certainly not me; stay tuned for the story! #i'm gonna go and just let it all out into a pillow #vent ig #my mom is blasting holiday music in the other room lol #nice to have a whatever the fuck im having while “jingle bells” plays #at least i'm not hearing mariah carey ig #anyway i've probably hadn't been taking care of myself lately it has been worse despite me promoting it to everyone who needs #when i vented last time and it wasn't taken seriously so woop #anyway imma go try to calm myself and back to my notes i go #please gods what did i do to deserve thi s shit. fuck you #i hate it here i really do. i hate when these people talk to me i hate them. i at least can be sorta accquaitances with one but they just. #all stare and laugh? i actually can't. like i'm some fucking clown and laughing stock. just kill me at this point. i have been enduring this #for YEARS and suddenly i'm being a little bitch about it?? what the fuck. why am i so mushy all of a sudden. being shown an ounce of respect #and care made me expect it more? fuck #i'm just setting myself up for failure. i am just a giant loser and failure of a person. #everything seems so fucking hard. and pointless. i am tearing my rotten little heart apart with this. i am once again grieving things #long ago and things i never had. my everything has to be pleasing to an outsider #my value is my suffering. am i breaking enough? is this beautiful to look at #at my self destruction? i hate myself. i treat others so cruelly. i am a horrible fucking person. #my problems are not their burden - i forced it on them. wept like a baby because she left me. and what happened in the end? my paranoia got #to me. i left them. i fucking. i fid the thing i was afraid of being done to me. #this is showing so many issues. #so many things wrong with me. i shouldn't even be alive by this point - i wasn't supposed to survive past 12 #i am being forced to do this every day. someone please just end my fu king suffering

[hella1975]

yes im trying not to be so mean yes im working on my temper but under no section of my Healing Contract does it mention that these things must apply to my sister. in fact if you read the fine print it says im actively allowed to make her miserable. for my mental health

#she's so mean all the time like constantly telling me im stupid and shit #which probably didn't hit as hard before this econ degree but now every time she does it im just kinda like :/ #and i laugh it off obvs bc am i fuck about to look put out by it #so she genuinely doesnt have any reason to stop bc ive not set any boundaries or communicated or yk. done anything correctly #i instead just let it frustrate the fuck out of me until one day im in a bad enough mood that i'll give as bad as she does #which i HATE bc as tough shit as she thinks she is i always think being mean - specifically the primary school way she does it - #is SO embarassing as a conflict method like girl 'you're stupid' is really the best you can come up with? bffr 😭 #like when i say IM mean and SHE'S mean im talking about very different things #im mean less often than her but when i do it it's effective bc i literally catalogue people's insecurities and use them against them #like some fucking anime villian like it's actually uncomfortable to watch and i hate myself every time #whereas her way is effective bc it's all dumb comments ANYONE could make but she says them repeatedly until she wears you down #and of the two methods they're both shit but at least my way isn't cringe LMAO #so if i ever get so frustrated i revert to her method i just get v annoyed with myself like IM better than this she might not be but i am #and we've just been moving things in the garden with mum which is a flashpoint anyway #and me and my sister were just GOING at each other and it was all jokes until i said something she didn't like #and she was like 'what's your problem? it's fine when we're joking but you always take it too far' girl. #like i cannot accurately explain on here how ridiculous that statement is coming from HER #and if id said something actually horrible id get it but the convo was literally just #her: mum can i wear your watch for the chem ball coming up? #me: why do you need a watch for that? #her: ive got a dumb tan line on my wrist that i want to cover #me: i really dont think anyone is going to be looking at your wrists #THAT WAS IT LMFAO??? YOU HYPOCRITICAL LITTLE BITCH #ironically i had a field day with it like her saying that was the worst thing she could have done #latched onto it like a bloodhound fr my eyes must have lit up #i was like 'dont be such a baby' which is basically a fucking trigger word in our house #thought she was gonna hit me with a spade <3 peace and love on planet earth #godddddd i cant wait for her to go back to uni i HATE sharing a room i cannot escape her she's literally here as i type #i hope she knows im slagging her off to my niche online micro-community #hella goes home

[smol-tired-binch-blog]

hate how im now at a point where im legit like kicking my legs and grinning like an idiot over fictional characters SEND HELP

#take One Guess who im talking about. YES ITS KOI BOI #hes so prettyyyyy and cute and lovely and i love looking at him i wanna hear him speak and laugh and sing just AAAAAAAAAAAA #(turns to my own brain) BITCH WE ARE MEANT TO BE AROACE WHY ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH TWO FICTIONAL CRIMINALS WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING????? #my brain: (that fuckin anime girl gif from evangelion (i think??)) #like fuuuuuck man is it self shipping if u use a proxy? like. hes an oc but he's a stand in for me. he is me and i am him but we also arent #he is his own person and i am my own our lives are very very different but i use him to express love for Mad Dog and Koi Boy #cause they could actually love him if i were in their world i wouldnt stand a chance but my boy has one so he loves them for me #its far easier to imagine him kissing them than it is for me to imagine myself kissing them but that might be because im wired weird #idk it *feels* like it counts yknow. my dumbass out here gettin jealous when i see a Certain Ship cause like i disagree with it on #a Fundamental Level. and on TOP of that half the time the art is so CUTE and im like 'motherfucker that should be ME' or i guess my lad but #STILL am i making sense?? doesnt help that i worry im like. misreading what content i have but also fuck you i can do what i want and also #i get him more than yall kgyugkhjhk (jk jk. Unless) basically when i call them my boyfriends i fuckin mean it #look its Real Missing Nishiki Hours i love him i wanna kiss his perfect face someone shoulda shown him love i could save him and he could #make me worse <3 I Want Him #and do not get me wrong i may be focused on him but Majima is still my wifey too!!! hes mine you cant have her <3 #i just have koi boy brainrot i very much desire them Both (YES THAT MIGHT BE WHY I SHIP THEM TOO LOOK I ALSO THINK THEYD WORK WELL TOGETHER #OR AT LEAST HAVE A FUN DYNAMIC TO EXPLORE I SHOULD DATE THEM AND THEY SHOULD DATE EACH OTHER WE ALL HAVE 2 HANDS) #might delete this in the mornin who knows but im feelin silly i wanna talk about them i wanna talk about my boy but idk if ppl would really #GET IT yknow i can think of maybe Two People and that INCLUDES bestie but just aaaa point is i love my koi boy so much hes so lovely <3 <3

[deus-ex-mona]

s. s ave me, meoto…

#n o t me clinging to meoto to retain my sanity bc g o o d l o r d today was the worst #today was truly a very bad; very horrible day indeeeeeeed #man. today truly was a comedic tragedy in every way possible. i’d laugh if i were anyone else tbh #first i couldn’t start my workstation bc we were out of this cleaning acid thing. #t h e n this other branch lab sent over a precise amount of [reagent] that we needed to make the cleaning acid thing #*and* what’s worse was that they also demanded like. 1/5 of the acid we mixed. like bro. make it yourself mans. #but the worst part was when i tried to use a dropper to poke this sediment out of [tube i was supposed to be cleaning] #bUT THEN HALF OF THE DROPPER MELTED BC THAT BUGGER CAN’T HANDLE HIGH TEMPERATURES AAAAAAAAAAAAAA #stupid new droppers man. the old droppers could handle 100 degrees just fine. s o now the tube is clogged with melted plastic and it’s just. #life’s *really* great sometimes yk~~~~? (ʘ‿ʘ) #and so the night shift dude who came to take over the workstation against expectations seemed kinda pissed that i hadn’t started anything #and im just there. with my intestines wriggling about like internal abdominal worms. tryin not to cry in the face of my mistake. #while he’s fumin’ away like a freakin’ chimney or sth. like. man. no one asked you to take this workstation. you came here on your own. :( #anyway i ditched him and left for my break to calm myself down only to be approached by some random terribly lost middle aged to old lady #who was looking for directions to *somewhere* but she only spoke chinese aaaaaaaa #and i can’t read maps/i don’t even live in the area of my workplace so i have no idea if the lady managed to make it safely #but. lol. the lady showed me her message screen when she asked me for directions to her destination #and by pure coincidence the person she was texting is apparently related to someone with the same first name as me #the cons and cons of having common names man. i hope the lady managed to find her friend with the same name as me though lol #anyways. pls hw im begging. pls drop the crossfade for lxl birthday tmr i n e e d more meoto to carry on— #s o b s this is what im living for now ig. meoto………..

[angstics]

im an empath (feels really really really sad about my chemical romance breaking up in 2013 despite not knowing a single thing about them til this year)

#if i really let myself feel it i start to think every thing in the world is the worst #but most of the time i dont let myself think about it and i just laugh #couldnt be me!!!!!!!!! im out here living their best!!!!!!!!! #q.txt #mcr

[camptw1nk]

feeling very 🧍‍♂️ may not be around for a bit

#its nothing tumblr related really its more just irl #a mix of being tired and having deadlines and not being able to make myself work #and the. kinda harsh switch in vibe in the house from last nights everyone hanging out having fun #to todays me alone cleaning up after everyone and knowing that the others are content doing their own thing and don't wanna hang w me #which like!! is fine im not expecting to be the center of their world its just. #idk we used to hang out every night watching a movie or some tv and laughing #and ever since i got back from my trip we just. we spend time together maybe once every 3 or 4 weeks and it takes me asking if they wanna #hang out like 3000 times before it ever happens and when it does there's just. theres a disconnect #and I think they just realized during the two months i was away that theyre. maybe a bit happier without me #or at least they find it easier to not hang out #like theyve got jobs now so obviously they dont have time the way they used to but its not just that theres been a Shift #i think they also might. kinda resent me for the trip and having that opportunity #which sucks bc i cant. do anything ab that i had no say in the trip i didnt want to go #and even saying that makes me very. like that feels like such a selfish arrogant thing to say to want to turn down a trip across the world #but everyone who was here during that trip knows that i spent the entire time dissociating and getting yelled at and suicidal so uh #i dont think its selfish to not have wanted to go when i Knew it'd end like that but i think they might think it was #ANYWAY this got depressing and sad i dont mean to bring shit here its just i literally only have 3 friends and 2 of them r these ones #and the other is so emotionally unavailable and doesnt really take mental health seriously so #ooc. #negative cw

[bugdogg]

if i ever seem brave for some of the stuff i admit on here, just know its cause idk how to keep shit to myself. i cower at the thought of judgement and then proceed to expose my whole ass to tumblr anyway, because i dont have a working filter

#tags are filled with worried rambling again #i hear a laugh track play whenever my anxiety flares up #im scared of what other people think of me which in itself is funny #ik others opinions of me arent an indicator of me being a bad person #other people arent gonna kno my whole personality from the stuff i draw #i fear judgement despite experiencing nothing but positive feedback on this site because i keep reading into the small things as negative #i know all this and still wither away in my shell knowing all this im saying is what id tell others if they were suffering with it #i walk in this circle and do it thousand times til i pass out from the exhaustion and later wonder y i was worried in the first place #i want to be able to say “who cares they dont know you” but ive been raised by people who spent almost every conversation- #with me basically saying they know me very well and know whats wrong with me and ive been raised believing everyone knows more than me #i worry of being so serious and actually genuine like this but this is how i like to be sometimes #stupidly thinking too much into things and laughing at myself for it and wondering why i would put myself down on something id encourage- #others to do #i worry about losing people because they wont like all of me but they wont know that unless they see the whole picture #i find myself disgusting w/ my thoughts and the things i wanna create but i dont think that of others and its strange #weird ass moment here..... #i had a really good day today got a job and finished my first tattoo #im happy right now despite the shit i just spewed #im figuring myself out for the first time in maybe years #i just wish all the hateful shit i absorbed over those years fades away soon #and i hope i stop caring so bad lol #anywayyyyy have a wonderful rest of your weekkk <3 if u read this

[tobe-sogolden]

third watch of dwd down i fucking love that movie you guys it's literally brilliant

#def one i think people need to watch more than once #theater was still packed but i had to see it again so i braved it ✊🏾 #can't wait until it's on a streaming service i WILL be watching weekly #makes me truly sad to think about everything that's happened in the past few weeks #the movie and everyone who worked on it don't deserve it #and it further solidifies my decision to severely limit my presence and participation in this fandom #ive truly never been among a worse group of people #some people are wonderful #but the bad just outweighs the good for me tbh #i tried!!!!! #i really truly did try but like for what 😆 #all the stress i gave myself trying to call out misinformation for literally nothing bc the internet doesn't care if smth is true or not #they just care if it's drama they can exploit and a person they can collectively shit on #it makes me physically ill the way people have been acting #and that is soooooo unhealthy for me like i just cant handle it #im trying to be a fan without being in the fandom but old habits die hard yk #anyways #i miss talking to people on here but i dont want to get discourse or know about whatever horrible thing is happening these days #im still not in a place where i can just laugh about it like it genuinely upsets me to think about #so i am protecting my peace 🧘🏾‍♀️

[hella1975]

the pill is fucking with my hormones again which naturally brings me to my constant conflict of 'is pursuing my passions more important than appeasing my hometown' and seeing as the big issue here is 'if i publish gay fantasy stories they will think im Weird :((' the conclusion i came to was 'i need to start being a little bit weirder all the time so that they're less surprised by it'. like yes queen start microdosing on weirdness to acclimatise your small town you're so normal about things

#i really wish id let myself be weirder at secondary school and hung out with weirder people #bc then people wouldnt be as surprised by it #but NOOOO i went 'i want to be COOL and go to PARTIES and hang out with the bitchy popular girls <333' #like that is the environment im in rn so imagine i turn around one day like 'anywayyy this is what ive been writing for the past two years' #i think they would all have a stroke. or punch me #possibly both actually #but like honestly on the one hand my brain is screaming like BEING SEEN AS WEIRD BY YOUR HOMETOWN IS THE WORST #POSSIBLE THING THAT COULD EVER HAPPEN TO A GIRL THIS IS SOCIAL SUICIDE #and the other part of my brain is like my dude we have not cared about that kind of thing since before the pandemic what is the issue here #like honestly the worst thing THE WORST THING that can happen is people laugh at me and thing it's a weird hobby #and the kind of people doing that would not be people im spending any extended period of time with either #like that is it #people are dying babe get your head out your ass #idk i really hope this is a mindset i grow out of like im very comforted by the fact it's a very stereotypically teenaged mindset #my hope is in my 20s i gradually stop giving a fuck and find a tight knit group of small weirdos that Get Me #and i just wind up publishing something #AND BECOME AN OVERNIGHT SUCCESS AND EARN MILLIONS AND THROW IT IN MY HOMETOWN'S FACE AND- #anyway thank you im done ranting now. as you were #at ease soldier #you guys must see the word 'hometown' in my posts and go ohhhh fuck here we go #im not sorry btw

[trendfag]

no because i smoked half a gram on friday and got so anxious i realized that anxiety literally made me the person i am today

#whats crazy is i realized this after overthinking so much that i managed to talk myself out of my anxiety #i was so anxious that my dad was gonna hear me walking back to my room and then i remembered that i literally sneak up on him all the time #i sneak up on a lot of people like a lot and not even on purpose im just quiet #but the reason im quiet is because it feels like every noise i make is like a signal saying LOOK OVER HERE LOOK AT THIS PERSON WHO MADE THIS #NOISE LOOOOK SHES SO LOUD LOOK AT HER AND MAYBE EVEN POINT AND LAUGH IF YOU WANT BECAUSE SHE MADE A NOISE!!!!!! #and so i learned to just be really quiet. and so now i sneak up on people on accident #love my niece but she was such a mean little girl…