#im really proud of all my progress but ive definitely lost friends

[irndad]

really feel terrible man

#im really proud of all my progress but ive definitely lost friends #and motivation #and this year has been so hard #and i dont want to lean on my bf this much #i think i cant do smth i really wanna do and its hard #like jskhfjdskfhjkdsa #school is hard man

[ad1thi]

author interview tag

tagged by: @ambivalentmarvel

name: adi

fandoms: currently, hawaii 5 o and technically mcu. occasionally teen wolf and criminal minds, historically, harry potter, percy jackson, the shadowhunters and the vampire diaries

where you post: both on tumblr and on ao3

most popular one-shot: according to ao3 statistics, the dumbest genius alive, however i do know a couple of my tumblr one shots have taken off so i could be wrong

most popular multi-chapter fic: finished would be just friends(?), and overall is 1000 lives (for you)

favorite story you’ve written so far: i can’t really call it my ‘favourite’ because that changes depending on my mood, but of my published fics, im quite proud of my more recent mcdanno fics - like the morning after and in sickness and in health

fic you were nervous to post: definitely just friends (?) because it was a fic i had previously abandoned and was reposting, and i wasn’t sure i could live up to the climax the fic built up too

how you choose your titles: for hawaii 5 o fics, i do cheat slightly and just translate words or phrases into hawaiian (through google translate) because the episode names follow a similar pattern. i don’t have any other discernible method though. i just mull it over and pick whatever jumps at me first in my head

do you outline: no generally, but i do have a WIP that i have outlined. for 1000 lives, i have a general structure of plot points that i know i want to cover, but i’m probably going to outline for the sequel (if i ever get around to finishing this and then finding time for a sequel) just so that it’s easier on me instead of figuring it out where i go and potentially losing steam or plot midway through

complete: most of my stuff on ao3 is complete, as mainly my one shots go there. outside of one shots, both my greek gods AU and just friends (?) are complete.

in progress: 1000 lives (for you), and a bunch of loosely tied together AUs all over tumblr that are universes i like to dip in and out of rather than actual stories that i want to flesh out. my AU-gust is also, technically speaking, in progress. i also have a hawaii 5 o old guard AU  which is more of me just repurposing my favourite episodes and looking at them for the lens of the characters being immortal warriors. ostensibly, the things i left behind (they never left me) is also in progress, but only time will tell if i convert that into an actual story 

coming soon/not yet started: there’s a couple of stuff so I’m going to list it out: 

there’s my aaja nachle fic, which im quite excited about. it involves single dad tony, dancer tony, desi tony, enemies to lovers stevetony, and a lot of side ships and characters that i should (hopefully) be able to flesh out into a universe that pays homage to the film it’s based on. unfortunately, the first chapter is all tytony and finishing that so i can move onto stevetony and single dad tony is proving to be quite a challenge

i have a buckytony mob esque amnesia AU that ive sketched out based on a dream i had, thought im not sure it’ll ever see fruition. 

Broken, not Bruised is about 1.7k of a fic that i had momentary inspiration about, involving Bucky saving fem!Tony from an abusive relationship and the hurt/comfort, pining and eventual relationship that comes with that. 

Just Between Us is a stevetony Can You Keep a Secret? AU, which I was quite excited about in July but have lost steam for because i had an bad experience with someone who was beta’ing the fic and it left me feeling not so great about it

Secret Love Song is this very complicated secret relationship buckytony but married stevetony mess that i want to delve back into because i was enjoying the world-building that i was doing for fem desi Tony but haven’t found the inspiration yet

i also have a mcdanno hanahaki AU where hanahaki disease is linked to when you might lose the object of your affections, either because they are moving onto someone else or because they’re injured/dying. that’s quite fun and sits at around 2k currently? but ive never done a hanahaki AU before so it’s slow going

i also have a Steve sacrifices himself for Danny and they finally get their shit together one shot that i’m still putting together called The Things We Do For Love, but i haven’t gotten to the self sacrificial part of the fic yet

do you accept prompts: no i don’t. i do accept commissions, but i do not accept prompts. not unless i have specifically asked or reblogged a prompt list

upcoming story you are most excited to write: probably the aaja nachle AU just because it really is like a complete story with storylines and arcs and characters that need to be developed outside of Steve and Tony and tackling something of that magnitude will be a huge test of my skills, because im very much a one shot person

tagging: @angxlsgrxce, @lovelyirony, @starklysteve, @nethandrake, @omg-just-peachy, @tinytonysnark and anybody else who wants to do this!!

#tumblr tagged memes #feel free to drop me asks about any of my WIPs or upcoming projects!! #who knows you might even get a snippet or a sneak peek 👀

[stardustwink]

I wanted to talk about swsh bc I’m almost done with post game and I needed to write down my thoughts somewhere so. Here we are. Story spoilers ahead btw. Also a lot of gushing abt the rivals bc they’re my children now

I have. So many feelings about this game. tbh the story could have been so much better (and there was potential for something great. But I think it’s mostly bc I disliked how they built Rose’s character as the main villain, more about that later) but the characters... they’re really good.

First bc they gave us Hop and his insecurities as the rival that always loses even though it’s his dream to be champion too - something I’ve always wanted to see in a rival ever since Blue left me hanging (though I understand, as he was the very first rival and we couldn’t have a full plot heavy pkmn game back then), and that I felt was touched upon in Cheren but not really worked with? Anyway. I’m glad they took the time to add his insecurities and his need to keep up w/ Leon to his character and how he grows past it later, it made me actually feel bad for having to take his dream away from him at the end (though!!!! I’m really glad he’s training to be a professor now, bc it really does fit him better! Making his own path and all that) A very good character imo, definitely going into my fav list. The fact that he takes his Wooloo off the team when he’s conflicted abt his fighting style and puts him back in after making up his mind still makes me a bit emotional if I’m going to be honest :’’)

And then there’s Bede. God he’s!!!!! Such a good character!!!!!! How I missed having a rude rival like that! I loved the way his story was handled (though I did wish he’d appear a bit more...but that’s just bc I like him way too much;;), from starting out as a stuck up jerk to getting tricked and then finding a place to belong after Opal took him in. I have so many thoughts abt him. About how he speaks so politely even though he’s a stuck up brat, about how he wears a watch that is way too big for him bc it was a present from Rose (and how much it fits his character as someone trying desperately to fit into a role he’s been given by a man who didn’t even care to get his wrist size right), how after he turns into the fairy gym leader the watch is nowhere to be seen bc, as Opal says, he doesn’t have to follow anyone’s whims anymore and- at the very end! How he hijacks the competition to battle you bc his disqualification was unfair and he deserved to stand there! The way he looks so much happier and smiles as he accepts defeat! I love this kid so much. also bc his entire color scheme and pkmn choices are my complete aesthetic, the fairy fam is literally A+ (also god will we ever know what happened to his parents??? What’s “ran into some trouble”?? Did they die, or did they abandon him bc of money issues??? @/gamefreak I NEED ANSWERS)

Marnie was adorable too, her slight accent is a very charming addition to her character and the slight foreshadowing of her ties to the last gym were great! Also she’s so cute. I wanna become a team Yell member after seeing her smile. She’s a dark type specialist man!!!!! That’s so cool!!! Why are the rivals so cool!!!! And her relationship with Piers is so cute too, they’re great siblings. I loved that when Piers asked her to become the next gym leader she was like “thanks brother, but I refuse. Im gonna be champion! :)” . Her cheering made the end fights so much better. I just wish we had some more interactions between the three rivals bc hop and bede’s fight was great but I wish marnie interacted more with them ):

Sonia and Leon were also very good. Watching Sonia find herself in her research and become a proper professor during my travels was SO SATISFYING YALL HAVE NO IDEA. Her interactions with Leon were so great too, and I’m very happy that she’s good friends with Nessa! Leon is a dork and I also love him, and I kinda enjoy that they both took the role of investigators and let the kids continue w/ the gym challenge by themselves (finally some responsible adults not leaving all the problems for 10-13 yr olds to solve am I right!). Also, LEON PLEASE TELL YOUR BROTHER YOURE PROUD OF HIM HE REALLY NEEDS TO HEAR IT!!!!

but I’ve praised swsh long enough so let’s talk about Rose. I felt like he was an attempt by nintendo at first to try and portray a corrupt businessman but they ended up not following through w/ it and the end result was....that. Don’t get me wrong; there are some points abt him that I enjoy, like the terrible fact that he basically ‘adopted’ a kid to use for his own benefit and couldn’t even remember his name properly, and that he wears dorky clothes off work. But they tried making his motives sympathetic and they didn’t make any sense??? What’s up with “being worried about the future of Galar” when he LITERALLY ALMOST CAUSED THE APOCALYPSE?? Being worried about not having enough energy for the country to survive after like 10000 years ain’t a good motivation for putting everyone in danger, chief.

 And here’s what they could have done: show just how corrupted by his own mentality and power Rose was; show him charismatic on the outside but completely apathetic to the people and justifying his actions by wanting Eternatus’ energy to keep modernizing Galar at the expense of some casualties bc hey! As long as the country will live on and keep progressing, what’s the problem with some lives being lost along the way if its for the greater good? Show him as the evil rich businessman he was meant to be! One that can’t understand that giving a pokemon and a golden watch to an orphan and “saving” him doesn’t give Rose the right to use him and discard him like a tool, one that tries to manipulate the Champion to do what he wants bc he’s given him the fights he wants and promised his family would be safe; just give me a character I can properly hate without feeling disappointed! You’ve done it with Ghetsis and Lusamine, you can do it with Rose too! Commit to your evil rich apathetic businessman plans, nintendo!

I felt both Oleana and the weird hair twins were better antagonists in this front. I even thought like SHE was the true villain and was using Rose’s apparent naïveté as a well intentioned but stupid rich guy and her position as his secretary to get what she wanted at the beginning; alas, that’s not what happened unfortunately ): but she had a proper motivation and enough foreshadowing for me to suspect her and still think she’s cool (her backstory is great for example. I was so surprised when she used a Garbodoor after all those cool lady pokemon!) the twins are both stupid looking and Swordward and Shieldbert are TERRIBLE names, but I feel like they’d be more iconic as main villains too.

I think that’s all for now, ive written way too much already djdflgjf if anyone managed to read all of this then thanks for reading my rambles 

#blue talks #pokemon swsh #swsh spoilers #like HUGE story spoilers dont read #spoilers abt the rivals too. i love them #if i had to pick a favorite id say bede but hop and marnie are so good too

[lilytcyip]

December 31st, 2019

1.3 tera v w/ rjin & ggao

1.4 cactus & la foret w/ jng

1.8 talked it out with jng ; tried to understand that if i were happy, what more could you ask for

1.11 cyns bday dinner

1.11 craft beer w/ aleung & lwong

1.13 arisu & standing egg with efeng & aleung ; drove on highway for the first time

1.18 west dineout w/ annie pkp

1.19 glass w/ fifi

2.10 first snow of the year

2.3 cny lunch at home with the fam - tong yuen & poon choi

2.4 mooseknuckles - grateful

2.5 lunar new year

2.16 hangiout with mamayip & sis: beta 5, fixing the parka, meetfresh, miku sushi dindin

2.17 mom leaving for 2 months, wandering earth with the yips

2.19 happy hour cactus w/ fifi

2.20 kokoro lunch & shopping w/ rjin

2.20 so hyang w/ veda & nwu

2.21 black been noodles & tonkatsu lunch & usagi matcha sweets w/ ewong

2.22 green leaf sushi & grounds for coffee w/ vtan

2.25 sushi mura w/ acao ; larry berg planes and kisses for the first time

3.13 mental health talk w/ nwu & tchiu + jamjar

3.15 virtuous pie & nanas green tea w/ rjin

3.16 wine night w/ claw, aleung & fsyal

3.17 tabom & stanely park w/ jerpilla

3.23 pool & rc shopping with jyang

4.3 studying with jyang on campus & langara bye

4.9 studying with jyang at my house

4.18 ramen danbo & official date 

4.20 so hyang & off the grid waffles w/ ayip

4.26 sci ning off w/ aleung, claw, fsyal, lwong & mcheung

4.27 clay llama terra pot class

4.29 so hyang budae jjigae & yifang w/ ewong

4.30 rc shopping & sushi lover with the yips 

5.1 maenam, kits beach & rain or shiine ice cream w/ rjin

5.2 our first little tiff & being called chubby by mlo

5.3 shopping w/ vchan, aleung & fsyal

5.7-5.11 LA trip

5.8 LACMA & melrose & century city field

5.9 warner bros tour

5.10 malibu

5.28-6.1 hokkaido, japan

5.29 a 2-floor hotel with own onsen

5.31 otaru food adventures

6.1 doraemon painting & royce airport

6.2 macau: got scammed by taxi & lost luggage

6.7-6.15 inner mongolia & beijing

6.18 first co op offer 

6.21 fire port party at fifis house

6.29 pottery painting w lwong, aleung, vchan, fsyal

7.5 brunch w/ rjin at jethro’s fine grub, baker & table

7.6 nwu’s birthday dindin at coast, hangout with aleung & nwu at nightingale

7.14 leavenworth cherries

7.17 brunch w/ rjin at OEB

7.19 nightmarket w/ jyang, mlaw, rjin

7.21 beach day w/ aleung, fsyal & lwong; hy’s with fam

7.24 chau veggies w/ acao

7.27 shiok & icy bar w/ ewong

8.3 first day of work at doctors office

8.4 escape room w/ vchan, fsyal & jyang; bowling & anh and chi

8.17 dindin w/ fsyal, aleung & tlim; double date walks at olympic village with ancas

8.18 - 8.19 kelowna

8.18 polar grove & penticton lazy river, mission hill

8.19 kayaking, quail’s gate

8.24 lit night at fifis house with the girls and boys

8.25 aleung’s bday harrison trip

8.27 work shopping & nuba w/ fsyal

8.28 sleepover w/ rjin

8.29 brunch w/ aleung, moii cafe chill with fsyal too

9.3 first day of co op work

9.7 grave of the fireflies & wildtale cuddles

9.14 eric chou meet & greet

9.19 amandarachlee neg comment and posted my encouragement on her story

10.5 maiko parfait & shopping w/ jyang, earls with the amigos

10.18 gmen & oncecake: melody, rillakuma, card & collage

10.24 dark table w/ rjin

11.7 moii after work 

12.15 baking custard souffle pancakes w/ ewong

12.18 office christmas party & bbt w/ slim

12.19 glow

12.21 fifi’s christmas party

12.22 christmas market w/ rjin: churros & chimney cake

12.23 psyc team secret santa & mahjong

12.25 christmas dindin at market by jean-georges

12.26 birthday dindin at zeferelli

12.27 ring & birthday dinner at brix and mortar w/ jyang

12.28 skated alone, worked out, baked & dindin at botanist

looking back at it now, i definitely went out a lot more compared to previous years LOL i had some struggles in january, and at multiple points in my life i blamed myself for being ungrateful, for seeking more when i already had so much in life compared to other people. my friends were there for me and i wouldnt have been able to live through it without them. then again, during reading break in february, i got myself into the same hot mess and i was sad about it for a week and i blamed myself for getting so attached so quickly. because of these experiences, my expectations were v low and i didnt really expect anything when i talked to jyang, what they say really is true, you get it the moment you stop seeking for it. it comes and find you (: the 3 most important that happened this year is burbur, co op job & me getting more comfortable around doggs; this is a big deal !! i actually like cuddling dogs and i feel less scared of them as long as i have some time to get used to them!! im proud of myself for making progress with my phobia! after i started my co op job, bc i didnt have a lot to do, i felt like i wasnt actively contributing to my workplace and that i was very useless. i still feel the same way now, but i think i am slowly getting used to it. thankfully, my coworkers are VERY nice and i enjoy working around them. while i did not get a different position for january, im still grateful that i got an extended placement. nonetheless, meeting with the different PIs and sumeet pointed me in the right direction of looking for nserc / volunteering opportunities when i do go back to school. AND ofc burbur! im grateful that we were able to be there for each other for the past 8 months, both the ups and downs and i am so so thankful that we’re understanding and patient with each other, as we help each other learn along the way and help each other become a better version of ourselves. this companionship is better than i have asked for and i always remind myself to focus on the important things rather than the minor inconveniences. this year, in terms of fitness goals, ive been doing really well before asia. but ever since i came back, it all went downhill and i gained back all the weight that i lost this year year LOL so in 2020, one of my biggest goal is to eat healthy again, and workout more consistently. getting a job in sept kinda interfered with my progress too, bc i was so tired after work, even when i wasnt doing anything and i stressed eat bc i felt terrible. a lot of diff factors made me feel super stressed, and the fact that i wasnt eating clean / exercising reguarly made me feel worse about the whole situation ): so in 2020, maintaining a healthy lifestyle will be one of my top priorities and gifting myself a healthy body is one of greatest things i can do for myself. this also contributed to the lack of journalling near the end of the year, it felt like bc i wasnt doing the things i was “supposed to do”, i just felt so bad whenever i couldnt tick off that particular habit whenever i fill in my trackers. but tonight, i watched this video and it talked about habits should be for awareness, not for self-hate or self-loathing. this is something that i need to keep in mind. ever since april really, the issue of leaving my house and meeting up with my friends have always stressed me in fear of dealing with passive aggressiveness with my mom lool everytime i get inviited to plans, i just get anxiety about having to tell her about it LOL and even when im out, having a msg/ call for her freaks me out in fear that she will get mad at me for being home late and etc and fifi really woke me up with her words, i should just care less LOL i need to stop caring so much about what she thinks, bc at the end of the day, this IS my life and if i never make any changes, i will never be able to grow and be independent. i think this pree much sums up all my events and emotions in 2019, the last year of the 2010s. in the next decade, a lot of things will happen as i will be in my 20s - 30s, where new opportunities will arise, and graduate uni, do my masters, find a job, maybe even marry and move out LOL the 2020s will definitely be an impt decade, but just for next year i want to:

1. understand that i am old enough to make choices, and in general, care less about what she thinks

2. at the same time, i want to appreciate and be grateful for what my mom, dad and annie have done for me; a lot of the times, i feel like i take them for granted just bc i know they will always be there for me and this is not how you should treat your biggest supporters

3. trust that everything will workout in the end, while you may not be able to envision what you career / life would be like when youre 30, you can definitely take small steps and move towards your goal

4. be mindful of what i eat and exercise regularly (4x hiit & cardio a week) ; treats & sweets in moderation; use those habit trackers for awareness, not for self-loathing / self-hate

5. create art regularly, read more and at least do 5 duolingos every week! 

every year, time just seems to go by faster and faster and i feel scared at times. as i type this, theres only 8 minutes left of this decade LOL so in 2020, continue to live in the moment, be present, cherish those that are around you, and have faith that everything will come together, one piece at a time. at the same time, always rmb that you can make small changes to be a better version of yourself, whenever & however you want and this is the 1 thing that other people can’t stop you from doing! 

#diary #personal #thoughts #last post of 2019

[shinythingsorpaperrings]

long post warnin but its under a cut at least on desktop

i feel like this year (academic) has been a huge mess of decisions on a scale of “really fuckin good” (10) to “what the holy fuck is wrong with you” (-10) with most of them fallin between “questionably bad” (-2) and “what the fuck” (-7). had a lot of good choices too tho, especially very early in the year. while not many ideas were followed through on, the ideas themselves were pretty good too, just not situationally appropriate i guess?

honestly i achieved so much tho like forgetting the varying degrees of destructive life choices ive made, ive made a fuck load of achievements?? i got a first on all but one assignment yet again, and now im graduating with a first??? i wrote a 13k dissertation AND created my own augmented reality prototype which, if i wanted to, i could 100% turn into a proper game (but i dont). i also really came out of my shell which is a thing to be v v proud of, being better at going out and do things with people without needing to have someone that i know well to stop me feeling cripplingly anxious. and like i stood up for myself at work and filed a complaint against my manager. i got a new job in a field im passionate about, and even though it took a little while, im able to spend time with my colleagues without feeling anxious at all now and its such a good feeling?? im also enjoying and doing loads more sober events and really enjoying myself that way and enjoying the company of my friends more?? it took a little bit but ive also fixed/become closer with people who really mean a lot to me, like i know its a big step in progress for who i am to be better at admitting my wrongdoings and working to fix things and generally be better at communicating and keeping in touch with people and im v proud of myself for doing that.

i have been really self destructive this year tho, both my uni counsellor and assessor said that i appear to have issues with big change theyre probably right but i wont properly know just yet - somethin else to be proud of tho is at least ive taken the steps to see a therapist, even if it required me doing something super self destructive beforehand. maybe i shouldve gone to my classes because god knows i didnt clean my house as much as i did when i skipped classes for the previous two years, and maybe my grades wouldve been higher still?? like i did super well but could i have done better? i had quite a lot of suuuper drunk nights i did way more heavy drinkin this year than i did last year and that definitely wasnt good for me, like i can neck vodka now, its gross but i can do it. i smoke now too, mostly only drunk but on the odd occasion sober but i try not to. i lost a lot of confidence in myself but im working on getting it back. i wasnt close friends with many of them so i dont particularly feel like ive lost friends or anythin like some things were shit, and at the time i was upset and wanted to fix it, but the more that i think things through, the more i realise just how bad some of those situations and people were for me. like i dont regret being friends w them and i certainly thought that some of them would be long term friends but im with it not happenin any more. they clearly didnt know me as well as they constantly claimed to and some of them were friends through other people so thats fine too, im constantly findin myself and im constantly makin small bits of progress. 

everything still feels shit and to quote drunk me “it doesnt take a scientist to know how i still feel” and i stand by that like its definitely not a feeling thats goin away any time soon and i?? dont mind?? like its not anythin i want to go away either like its there and its a part of me because it was literally a quarter of my life of course its a huge part of me but i will make peace with it rather than let it negatively affect anythin i do. tryin to be less self destructive is deffo super hard though, im constantly aware that im doin it but at the same time im not really stopping it?? im taking on huge amounts of hours at work and recklessly spending again but im?? not?? stopping??? at the very least i make sure theres still enough in my account to do the basics but im goin on hard benders again :///

still though its been a long year of ups and downs and even though i had a super low period its somethin i can sorta joke about with my colleagues now and things are looking up. gotta remember that even though ive had a shit six months, im graduating with a first, i got a decently paying second job thats still something im interested in (whodve thunk id wanna work in jewellery??) and im getting out and about again and will soon learn to drive. things are shit but they can get better. i know this. ive been through shit like this before i will get better and one day w my therapy i can be totally better

#finally doin my fuckin year review took me long enough #jasmine shut up

[latinaqueerqueen]

February 21st

Currently: sitting at my desk with some lit candles after watching some self-improvement videos. Feeling extremely depressed and unmotivated. 

When is it going to get better? I dont understand. I finally have a part in a play, I'm doing improv in person, im dong classes in person, I have my dog with me..I thought if I did all those things that I would finally feel happy again. But im not. I couldn't help after Freya and I’s walk yesterday thinking about why I keep fighting. Why do I need to live? if I died, people would feel sad for a maybe a year or so, but they would move on. I feel like  a burden. I keep waiting for something to get better but it doesn't. Each day my capacity for happiness gets weaker and weaker. Im less motivated to walk Freya every day. Im less motivated to act in this play. Even when I hang out with friends, I couldnt help but notice that I just feel drained. In one of the videos I watched today, she mentioned an aspect of self-help is staying away from energy vampires. Thats definitely what Blake was to me. I used to be so afraid of getting boxed out and abandonded, but what I've realized is its healthier to be by myself than fight for a friendship where they only want to use you. Im proud of myself for taking a step back and realizing I didn't deserve that negative relationship. 

Im tired. I feel like im at the bottom of a pool, suspended in water, looking up at the world through the surface. I can hear laughing and talking. Its muffled, but I recognize the sound of happiness. Its bright and the world is moving. but I can't surface. Something keeps holding me down. I know im going to drown, but im not strong enough to swim back up. Im watching everyone have a happy life and make memories they will never forget. My will to fix it and piece myself back together is slim, if at all existent.

I admitted to my parents I cut a couple weeks ago and im struggling with suicidal thoughts. They think I need to come home. I think ill be depressed at home too. At least here, I have freedom and independence. Every moment is a fight. I feel like im losing all my strength. What used to bring me joy doesn't anymore- my dog, theatre, even improv isn't doing it for me anymore. 

yesterday when I was on the floor crying and contemplating taking my own life I couldn't think of one person to come over and watch freya if I checked myself in. Which I think is needed more than anything. I think I need intensive care. 

I feel like im living half a life. I feel like what's left of my life inside worth fighting for. Thats why I haven't gotten my meds. or seen therapist. Im too weak to fight for myself. So I'm self-destructing instead. 

Would it really be that bad if I didn't wake up one morning?

Ive lost sight of the future, of my dreams. I want to be an actress. I want to advocate for mental health and help people in need. I want to be apart of a powerful project. I want to be in a Marvel movie. I want a strong, healthy friend group. I want a slim, healthy body and a clear mind. 

Why can't I help myself.

Tomorrow im restarting 75 Hard. I know ive restarted it over and over again. But I want to prove to myself I can do it. Drink all of the water, read 10 pages, take a progress picture and work out. Im gonna eat under 1,200 calories. im gonna work my ass off and eat healthy. I am going to control what I can control.  Im going to go to a ll of my classes study my ass off.

[survivor-rebelsvsroyals]

EPISODE 2- I made an oopsie!! - Asya

HEY GUYS WELCOME BACK TO MY CHANNEL lmfaooo it’s been so damn long i’m so rusty but we’re here and we're doing this ladies! Going into this I was worried it was gonna be a ton of new school people I didnt know who were all friends but I was fairly pleased that I actually know a good majority of the cast and I know everybody on my tribe except Anabel which is WILD. I didn't expect to know that many but its great. I’m gonna talk a bit about everybody then ill go into more: Anabel is the one person I didn’t know coming in but i’ve heard she’s super social which is MY THING so i gotta watch my back with that. We’ve had fun conversations though so nothing bad to say yet Dane Dane Dane where do I start? I don’t trust him one bit. I know we can have fun conversations but because of personal things with my friends I will forever watch my back with him because i’m a stubborn protective Mama Bear. Ryan and I already talked about getting him out lmfao Gloria has always been sweet to me but I have to figure out how to talk game with her. I’ve never actually played with her myself before just been in VLs or a jury host for a game shes in or something so this is a different perspective. Im not sure how its gonna go yet. Linus is my TUMBLR SURVIVOR BUDDY HERE LMFAOO Ive played with people on this tribe before but I don’t think i’ve played TS with anybody else? Either way we played to the end of Myanmar- oh wait excuse me ALMOST THE END BECAUSE OF A DUMB TWIST but yeah I honestly trust him alot because if I remember correctly he wasnt afraid to make moves but he was straight up with me and I appreciate that I’d rather someone be blunt with me and I dont like what they say than deal with a shady bitch! Also we just have good conversations imo and I think we’d be on the same wavelength talking game so he’s definitely someone I wanna work with Pippa is a SWEETIE I always love talking to her we can talk musicals all day all night but with her schedule we’ll have to see how much shes here because idk if she’s gonna be that into it tbh Ruthie is another sweetie but shes also smart and she knows i’m smart so I gotta watch she won’t kick my ass and stab my back singing Zip-a-dee-doo-dah Ryan Matthew OK SO RYAN AND I HAVE A WILD HISTORY we always either love or hate eachother and so far we’ve decided this is a love game? Hopefully it’s legit but we’ll see im sure he’d flip on my ass if he felt like it lmfao but i’m gonna take it for what it is right now. We both don't trust dane and want him gone so I think right now we’re kinda following that “the enemy of your enemy is your friend” kinda motto. I actually wanna work with him this time though so we’ll seeeee RTP is always a blast I don't remember if i’ve actually ever played with him before but we’re both old as fuck in this community so we’ve been around the BLOCK. I know he knows how shit goes so he’ll probably pick up on bullshit quick so I wanna keep him on my good side! I definitely can see myself working with him Seamus i’ve always assumed is a hot ass mess lmfaooo he’s another one i dont remember if i’ve actually played with but I dont know if I trust him we had fun chats but idk how much I’ll trust him as a strategist but we havent gotten to that kind of discussion so we’ll see how that goes. For the most part I have general vibes/ experiences with these people on their own but I don’t know how they’re gonna mesh together so I really gotta watch them all and try to sort it out. I really think I can be in a good spot on this tribe and weasel my way through it but I have to calculate it PERFECTLY. These people aren’t newbies all of us have been here before and know how this works. I’m gonna work my social, be decent in the challenges and keep my mouth zipped while I try and figure our where everyone lies. I haven’t honestly really tried in a game in a long time and if people have forgotten what i’m capable of when I give a shit I can use that to my advantage. So i just gotta try and gage where everyone falls. STAY TUNEDDDD ALSO I JUST WANNA SAY MY FRIENDS AND PEOPLE I KNOW I COULD TRUST ARE ON THE OTHER TRIBE AND IM SAD I wanna work with them 😩😩😩 I need Dan Coffeycakes and Asya to get to swap but I'm also praying to the survivor Lorde™️ for the Royals so I don't die lol i’ll give more entertaining updates as thing progress but I just wanted to knock out the basic intro update ok byeeeeeeee 😘

THE GAME HAS OFFICIALLY COMMENCED AND I AM IMMEDIATELY SHOOK. My number one ally and my friend or die and most importantly my friend got first boot but I’m proud of myself that I didn’t sell myself out and didn’t vote him. So the vote was 7-1-1-1 7 Keaton 1 nic 1 Lachie 1 Raffy which was me After the tribal finished I told everyone on call (Chloe Asya Lachie and Raffy) THST I voted Raffy because I had already told John anyway and I didn’t want it to get spread around so I came clean and I can just hope they all respect me for it. I gotta take it day by day and continue to build and maintain bonds. I wanna see if I can’t build a majority alliance I gotta go balls to the wall and leave no stone unturned because for my own sanity I want no regrets when I’m eventually voted out. I think Raffy respected that I can’t clean and that our game relationship can be worked on from here.

Tribal was absolutely crazy. Keaton just popped the fuck off on everyone. He was the fourth crackhead that we needed, but didn't deserve. Asya, Lachie, and I being in an alliance? Nic controlling the game? Absolutely wild. The most interesting thing for me is that Brien voted me. I get that you know Keaton personally, but that just tells me that you will always choose your pre-existing relationship over me. It makes me hesitant to work with Brien since I don't know if he has anymore of these relationships throughout the game. I need to be careful what I say to him and how I come across from now on. I'm still playing the social game, talking with everyone, making sure things are going well for them. Hopefully it continues to go well and I can position myself into multiple alliances, but I don't know if I want to get that messy just yet. This two day challenge enables me to branch out my social game, so that's a plus. John brought up an alliance with Asya and Lachie that would include the Crackheads. However, he meant it as a joke. I wouldn't be entirely opposed to such an alliance. Though I would replace Lachie with someone else like Brien or Nic. It's just that I talk the least with Lachie and Asya so it would go pretty terrible in my opinion. We have to talk about that on call soon.

*a little while later*

Brien wants to start an alliance with me, him, John, Nic, and either Chloe/Trace. It would be a majority alliance, but I need to tell the Crackheads about it. We all need to be on the same page about things, otherwise we'll be a hot mess of an alliance (more so than we already are). Personally, I'd be perfectly fine with that kind of alliance, it'll give me the majority that I so desperately want.

i’m gonna cry i have no time to do this challenge i hate this i hate isaac pls let someone be the dummy who doesn’t submit at all so i don’t get 19th

Calling John and Raffy is like the highlight of my day

*a few minutes later*

"I need to find a shirt that I don't mind getting wet" - John 2K19 

 So what I'm hearing from that is he doesn't wash his clothes

My tribe is absolutely THRIVING and I’ve never been happier. I know I’ll see tribal one day but until then it’s nice to have another night off! I can go about my day not scrambling around to make sure I’m good! Now to search for the idol HMM

It sucks that we lost the challenge again. It's really bringing down morale. Because of this, I do think the next vote is going to be based on challenge performance which I take issue with. The two who did the worst are Chloe and Asya which means it's a pretty clear cut choice for me of who goes. It sucks because I like Asya a lot, but she just hasn't been as active as I would like her to be. At the end of the day, however, I just have to let it go and focus on the now. I'm not going to be pushing for Asya, but I sure hope she goes instead of Chloe.

i made an oopsie !!! was the lowest scoring person in the whole game so that’s hot !!! don’t feel good about my chances this round since in the early game, challenge strength IS what you have to go off of. but i’ve had good conversations w people and i will continue to build on that til i’m gone. i think i have a solid grasp on dan, chloe and lachie. like i don’t think they’ll vote me. i think i’m getting along well w brien? idk. there’s also that one unaccounted for stray vote from last round so like. much to consider. i just need 4 people to not vote for me and i’m fine. who i’m voting for? wish i knew !!

I was talking to Nic about the vote and he brings up two names: Chloe and Asya. I obviously preferred Asya to go so I said that to him. Then, not 5 seconds later, I hear from Chloe that Asya came up to her saying that I threw Asya's name out. Obviously Nic told Asya that I said her name. He's a little snake. I want him out of this game because he cannot be trusted with any information right now. I'm trying to leverage the situation in my favor by spreading that Nic told me it was Asya. So, something needs to be done.

*a little while LATER (you know the drill, this man talks A LOT)*

I'm currently talking to Lachie and Trace. However, Nic has also gotten to them too. I don't like this gut feeling that I am getting voted out. Apparently, Trace is onboard with getting Asya out according to Nic. Furthermore, Chloe told me that Asya is confused about what is happening with this vote. I am trying to confuse her. I told her that her name is getting thrown around, but I want to keep her. I need to keep this up till tribal in order to keep myself safe. Paranoia is the best coverage. Honestly, Nic going right now would not be bad. However, I need to make my play carefully

*literally like six seconds later*

Nic is very shady. The Crackheads want to vote out Nic now instead of Aysa. Chloe suggested making an alliance with Lachie and Asya to vote him out this tribal council. This only works if the two of them are online and agree. Lachie seems down for it, but Asya is a mystery. I just have a feeling that things are going to blow up in our faces. Hopefully, we can make a big move, but if Asya doesn't respond then nothing can happen.

Everyone is confused

ok SO im now in an alliance w me dan nic trace and brien which like?? is not the alliance i envisioned myself in but idc because thats majority and im not trying to go home tonight. with that group not an option i kinda wanted to push for raffy to go so i brought up how like aggressive he is and not even a second later nic tells me that raffy is saying my name so like. it's time for that man to go. did i flop in the challenge? yes, but i know how to talk my way out of a bad situation and thats what im gonna do. mark my words, raffy is getting voted out tonight. keaton made points!

*exactly 11 minutes later*

ok so... ignore everything i just said. it's been wiped from the record. never happened. i'm officially aligned with everyone on my tribe one with myself, dan, brien, trace and nic, and another with myself, chloe, raffy, john and lachie. alliance one is voting raffy, alliance two is voting nic. I ! AM ! THE SWING ! shook. if i don't get a vote tonight then... my fucking mind but... there will be consequences no matter what i do. at this point in time, i think that nic is a snake. raffy is a bigger target, and if he makes the swap he will keep making himself a target. nic is sneaky and will slide thru this game. so. i think my mind is made up

The Godfathers Alliance is officially set in stone. With this, we can make a move against Nic who is very talkative. Now we have a majority alliance that will dominate this tribe. I'm winning in this stage of the game.

The royals are killing it and I’m so proud of this tribe. So far I’m not a part of any official alliance, there’s been very little actual game talk, but Dane and I are both saying we won’t vote each other if we lose, and Seamus and I started sharing idol guesses. I wish there was more I could say but really when it comes to talking the tribe is kinda a bunch of lame ducks right now. A loss would probs change that, but it’s a slow burn atm.

Dan was messaging Asya about voting Nic, so we are trying to bring him into the vote in order to lessen the blindside. Plus, if we let Dan think he's in control, then we can put the heat on him in case of a potential blindside.

I'm sharing my idol guesses with Amanda and Ryan. I kind of made a F2 with both of them and they're my dream f3 but I have no idea how they feel about each other. But idk i guess im kind of fake. Tried my best at immunity, I hate scav hunts!!!!!!! But thank god we won immunity I never wanna go to tribal. I wanna be immune until f2.

[bjornartesttest]

July 2017

p.p1 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 12.0px 0.0px; line-height: 14.0px; font: 12.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #000000; -webkit-text-stroke: #000000} p.p2 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 12.0px 0.0px; line-height: 14.0px; font: 12.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #000000; -webkit-text-stroke: #000000; min-height: 14.0px} li.li1 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 12.0px 0.0px; line-height: 14.0px; font: 12.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #000000; -webkit-text-stroke: #000000} span.s1 {font-kerning: none} span.s2 {font: 14.4px 'Helvetica Neue'} ul.ul1 {list-style-type: disc}

General

So, summer is almost over, and quite a few things has happened during the 2 months time it has been since I write the last time. Ot - that means, not any MAJOR things, but still some progress in different directions. I am currently sitting at a Quatar Airways flight brom Dar Es Salam to Berlin, via Doha (where I have a 7 hour night layover….) after 3 weeks of summer holiday. 

I started of in Tel Aviv for 10 days with Vegar, Sigbjørn, Benni, Vik, Kristoffer and Julia. We shared a big nice apartment close to the Old Town. I had my own room, we had 3 balconies, a huge rooftop, a large nice kitchen and several bathrooms. Perfect base even though we were based a bit far from the center of the town. I personally liked the old town more though so fine by me. Tel Aviv is a fantastic city. It has some of the best food Ive ever tasted, a beautiful san beach that follows though the whole city, a vibrant night life, humble, proud and open people and a rich history. I was unsure about how I would feel about visiting Israel beforehand because of Palestina, but I am glad I came. The people I met had all sorts of different backgrounds. They are not the politicians, and seemed just as frustrated about the situation as everyone else. Having that said, I guess its only so much you can take in during 10 short days. We also had a trip to Jerusalem. We did not do enough research, so my impression of the city was quite messy and exhausting. I am glad we went either way, though I probably wont go back there. Tel Aviv also have beautiful, passionate men.. I met a few while there. One arabic guy that was a bit younger then me. He invited me over for cake and showed me his Mind Craft world.. He had made houses for all hes previous love interests. A bit weird I must say, but he was also a interesting guy. Not something to go forward with though lol. The second guy I met was mega hot, inteligent, tall spanish guy. He had been living in Tel VAiv the last 5 years, studying Arabic and foreign relations. He was planning to move to Iraq to follow a minority group up there in some time, I think I will go to visit him. Anyways - it was some of the hottest sex Ive had in a long long time. He was bottom (the perfect), but also had an amazing cock, mouth.., evertying. We had sex twice right after eachtother. I had to do a Skype interview over phone for a job offer in Beijoing (more about that later), and because I ran out of time, I had to have it at his place. A bit weird to go though my whole professional life in a Skype interview in front of him, but I think he took it well. A few days later I met a tall, a bit sturdy, beardy Israely/turkish guy. Also very handsome. I invited him over to the apartment when everyone else was out and we had sex all over the place. In the sofa, and the kitchen table… The lats night I had a quick hookup with a tall israeli psycho terapist. Was fun and a nice ending of a nice trip. Very fun. 

Anyways. enough about the Tel Aviv boys. Poor Vegar and Sigbjørn both got food poisoned after 2 days and ended up at the hospital. They stayed home most of the time, though we did have some fun times too. Unfortinuatley I managed to get in the middle of a drunken row they had. Ive now learned to NEVER get involved in other peoples love life. It got heated! We talked about it though, and it was all good the next day. I got alone time with everyone on the trop except Bennedicte. She was out partying til 9 every morning and were a bit to moody for my taste. Interesting enough she was the one who were the least easygoing, with is funny as she talked so much about who else that could potentially be moody before hand. Honestly I find herself a bit selfish from time to time, or a bit closed in her own world. I guess we all are though… Kristoffer met A LOT of boys during the trip. More then me. I felt a bit strange about it, as I am very good friends with his boyfriend in Norway Harald. The last nigght, he even brought one of his dates for dinner, and sat kissing with him openly infant of everyone. How can he expect us all to just forget about that? If he wants to leve things in Tel Aviv, then he should keep his stuff in the bedroom, and not drag his boyfriends best friends into it. I wont mention it to anyone ever, but I totally lost a lot of respect for Kristoffer after seeing that. Fuck that shot. Just no. Not ok. I hope he breaks up with Harald when he gets home if thats how he feels. If nothing else, I hope they have a proper talk and manage to fight it out and then move on. I dont really see them lasting if its as dark as this. As for Vik, we had a great time togehter. She is so funny and easy going, and made sure that everyone had a good time, all the time. Never put herself first. She also openly went on Tindr dates while there (with blessing from her boyfriend). All these poor guys that she used for tips and guides and free drinks, before she dropped them off. She didn't even exchange a kiss.. hilarious.As forJulia, we also had a super nice day together at this swanky rooftop. Im happy she joined. only bad thing about tel Aviv was the prices btw. Equally expencive as Norway! Last day I spent with Liat, Klauses goof friend from London. She's a funny, stress woman. She's sper nice, but a bit intense and talkative in her own way. Nice, but one day was enough! 

After Israel, the trip went to Nairobi, via Jordan and Quatar. I had a long trip, but managed to both get sleep and relax. In Nairobi Carmen was waiting for me together with Sigur, the guy we were lucky enough to stay with. He is a close friend of Maren, and hes half Norwegian/Kenyan so he hes family has a few houses in Nairobi and close to the Uganda border. Superduper sweet 24 year old guy. Hes been based in london the last few years, where he has built himself up a name in the fashion PR / Producer industry, but after a long though and a realisation about what matters ib life he has decided to drop it all and start to study development studies back in Norway from the fall. An old sole for his young ange, even though the 24 year old came out from time to time. Anyways, we staid in their villa in Nairobi. Huge house in the richest part of town. We lied there for free with servants, free food and all we could have wanted. Like living in a luxury hotel. After a few days in Nairobi, me and Car jetted of on a safari trip to Nairusha and Hells gate. One the way we ended up at the mandatory Kenyan police station expereince. Our driver had been speeding, and had to go to court 8!). Meanwhile me and Car went of on our own. We walked thought this random, poor, kenyan village and into a forest to check out a lake we found on the map. All of the sudden we found ourselves walking though a cactus forest, and then a ancient forests with a million bird sounds. So beautiful. After that we were suddenly standing on a filed full of zebras, giraffes, buffaloes, wild beast and more. Totally surreal… Turns out we had trespassed into one of the national parks, so a grad found us and helped us out and back to the policestation. Regardless - one of the more magical experiences of my life I think :-)

After picking up our driver we headed to Hells Gate. A national parks where you are clouded to bike (illeagl in all the others). Super nice trip, we were biking in between zepras, worth pigs, and more. I would definitely come back. After the bike ride we headed down in hells gate, a volcanic old water system. Also stunning. In the evening when we got home we had a drunken pianos session in Sigurs mums piano concert room. What a day and nigt. The next few days we explored Nairobi more, went to Gosepel church, went out line dancing on a tacky rooftop nightclub, Sigurs were friend hit heavily on me, we went to Karen Blixnes house, we went to some fancy restaurants and cocktail bars, and we got to meet Sigurs 92 year old father, as well as his amazing mom and step dad. What a family. We also almost ended up in jail and court after having taken a picture of a government building. I was so shocked by it that I was shivering. These two big guys with machine guns came out and started to harass me and Carnen. Luckily Carmen is a very lud, smart, tiny, cute asian woman, so she handled the situation like a star. I am SO impressed. After 45 minutes the police gave up and let us go. A good thing, as we were jumping on a plane to Lamu the next morning, so a sleep over at the police station and court hearings would have ruined our trip.

Lamu is one of the most beautiful places Ive ever seen. I will definelty come back. Its a unesco protected, muslim old trading island on the border to Somalia. It used to have loads of tourists, but now its very poorly visited due to recent terror atacks in the Lamy district closer to Somalia. We felt 100% safe, and 500 % amazed. Ive never seen nature like it. Also very cheap. We went for sunset runs, sailboat rides, luxury hotel hangouts, drinks, we showed alcohol at the local police station (only place where they sold it at the islands) and took boat taxiss. There are no cars at the island. After Lamu, we went back to Nairobi for one night, before we said bye to Sigur and headed to Airusha and Tanzania for 3 days of safari, Also an amazing experience. Its insane that there are areas in the wold where so many species live freely, in huge numbers in full harmony. We met hundreds on hundreds of zebras, wildebeests and elephants, We met lions, strutser, hyenas and monkeys. All in harmony. The landscape was varied and beautiful. We even went into a old vulcani crater caller ngroro ngoro. Supposedly it ha the widest range of animals gathered in one area in the world!

After the safari trio it was time ti say goodbye to Carmen. We have now known each other for 10 years, so this trip was sort of out anniversary. She wrote me this beautiful letter the day we parted, where she said that I have been a big inspiration for her to make her take the choices in life that she has done the last 5 years. Honestly . the most flattering and heartf´worming thing anyone has ever written to me. Carmen is a sister to me now. I love her :-) We will potentially meet up in Cape town this winter. I hope so. It was a bit sad to send her of, but also a bit nice to have some time alone before heading home. I had one night in Arusha, and then one night and day in Dar Es Salam. I went around Arusah with a few local guys I met on the street. They showed me the markets and some charming areas of the city, In Dar, I just went for some indian food on my own and had a hookup with a hottie from South Africa. Before I met him I met up with another guy that I had to send home He sent me pictures of this tall handsome guy with a big dick, but when he turned up he was a midget with loads of aces and a micro penis. How delutional is it possible to be?? And how rude!!! Ugh.. Today, my lat day I went for manicure and pedicure, nd then had a beer at the bech. Dar is a strange town. I did not really like it I must admit. Very segregated between rich and poor, very expat, quite intense on the streets, and a lot of people in desperate pverty. If I come back I will make sure I have many days so I can get o meet and understand the locals a bit better. On my way to the flight I am now I almost lost the flight due t heavy traffic. A 30 min car drive ended up lasting for alsmot 2 hours… Anyways…. that was my holidays so far. Now Im headed to Berlin for 3 days before heading home to work on Tuesday. I have a good feeling about Berlin, but it will also be a bit interesting. I will meet and maybe stay over with a  really nice guy I have been dating from Oslo lately. He is there too and has rented a hotel room. I am supposed to stay with Goro, but I might trade her out for the boy… Lets see. Sigbjørn, Benni and Vegar is there also. So a big crew.

WORK

I manages to finish of most Bleed work before the summer. The main project being the Sikkerhet i NAturen one. I think it went well (minus too many hours), and we ended up as the main event on the NRK TV news. Not bad! After the summer most of my Bleed projects are pretty dull though… Cant say I am too excited. As for my freelance stuff, I have almost too much going on. between August and October I have to finish FAF festival catalogue + website, Im making a book for Rogaland Kunstsenter with More and Geir, Im doing concert  banners and t-shorts for Cezenando, finishing a website for Tove, Im helping More on a book project for National museet and I am making a ctakouge + some other effects for Oslo otobook festival. Its in reality too much too handle, so I need to find a way to deal with it. Another problem is tax… I have not yet pais any tax money, and am earning a lot. Ive decided to hire a Tax guy to do it the right way from now in. In total I think I will earn ca 100.000… Too much! But really good too, as I have set myself a goal - and that is to save 70.000,- NOK by the end of the year. The reason I want to save up is because I want to slowly start working more independently. I am planning to have a talk with Dag at Bleed about this after the holiday. My current plan is to start to ask for a 90% position at bleed, rather then 100. That means that I want to ask if I can work one day less per week. If he is not fie with that I have to try to negotiate though something else. I have to be super strict with myself to make this happen. It is NUMBER ONE priority after the summer. I dont wish to quit bleed, but in order to stay, I need to respect my need for creative development on my own terms. Hopefully him and them will understand this. I will try to make a little draft during the next following days to define what I want more closely. Other then that I have gotten a bit further with the planning for Grafill one night only concept. I want to invite BLAD (petri) and another new design duo in Oslo and see what they can come up with. Lets see what they can do. Start-up meeting in August.

FRIENDS

So Im shifting a bit away from having Benni as my closest. I guess this is maybe also because we dont work together anymore. The people I see the most right now is Tor Erik, Vegar, Sigbjørn and INgemar. I also see Agatha, Benni, Maren, Vik, Harald, Saga and Siri quite often. There is actually almost a bit too many close people now. I think I will have problems finding time to follow up after the summer. Maybe I need to take a little timeout from friends and focus one work and a few social things per week instead? Also, if I will keep on dating EManuel, that will for sure also demand time, and should be a priority. I guess dating someone is always a fair excuse :)

LIFE

I generally feel that I am on a swing upward atm. Probably because Ive done some thinking and decided to do some changes. Just the knowledge about that something will change and that its in my power to make that happen feels empowering somehow. I am also being more and more aware of my age, and that I am growing old, and not growing up any more. Its a strange thing. Its almost as if I feel I have to make the most out of it while Ive still got it. It feels a bit fucked up. There are all these new young people hoping up everywhere, and also suddenly my a bit older friends are pushing 40. There is a new generation taking over y’all… I guess I just have to exept it sooner then later. 

LOVE

So I just read though my previous post, and there I mentioned something about Ole. That was totally nothing more then a thought. He is a big flirt, has a super cute boyfriend and I think were becoming potential frineds. They invited me for their pride party, with was super fun. Lets see if we can make it into a real freindship. I also dated a guy called Ole Magnus briefly. We met 3 times. Had som great sex, and then I think we were just both over it. I was probably over it because I had met another really nice guy called Emanuel. Hes a dance teacher, my age from Norway. I sleep lik a baby when I am with him, he is really warm and kind, just enough insecure and vulnerable (I like vulnerable guys), but still sturdy, mature and also quite handsome I would say. He is quite masculin, but at the same time one of his main hobbies is to be a drag queen! We met around the time Oslo Prode was, so his life was a lot about dragging up around then. I was  bit unsure how I would feel about dating a guy that has a altered that is so different from the one I know and have met, but I also think what I saw was much more intense then what everyday life is. Ive decided that if we still date when hes having hes next show, I will show up and support. I think he is more p, but I think he has a good A in him too. Maybe I will find more out about this during the weekend in Berlin. I think he is really into me, but I dont want to over think it, and have decided that its great we are having such fun, and that I am looking forward to get to know him better. I think hes the best match Ive come across in quite some time. Having this said, we have only sent time together in t´hotel rooms, and its friends apartments that we have been looking after. So no regular life so far.

OTHER

Ive been renting out my apt at Air BNB this summer , summer thing I really regret. There has been construction work on the house, something that has lead to loads of nouce, dust and bad conditions in the flat Many of my guests has moved to after one day, and Ive had to do a lot of sweet-talking and reductions in price. Poor Maren said yes to look after the place, so she was dragged into it too. Ive promised to give her 500,- nok for each booking. A small price to pay after all that drama. Luckily she's kept it cool nd relaxed the whole way. 

Kritina has broken up with her trubadur boyfriend (Yes!), Agatha is back with her crazy boyfriend Henrik (No!!).. Mamma seems to be happy. Im going to Bergen for Linnis 90th, Heges 50th and Kristinas 40th in August.. So many travels. Im also heading to Moscow in September. I went to Lisboa in June. I was supposed to stay with a freind, but he had double booked and was out of town. He let me stay in his appartment, introduced me to his lovely frineds, who took me out for dinner, clubbing, gave me drugs and took me to museums. I also took with me home a tall swedish handsome guy. I think traveling on my own is my new thing. I will try to do it more. I feel so free doing so.

LIST

Make self analyzation form

Decide how to deal with Dag (make draft)

Make a proper working plan list for freelance

Hire an accountant

Buy russia tickets

Buy bergen tickets