#im really unsure all i know is ive been feeling this solidly for the past 2ish years | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

leoseazon · 4 years

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im so sad and stressed about how much ive lost myself.. how much i dont know myself anymore. i guess part of it can definitely attributed to shifting thru stages of life and so shifting my style and preferences but i just dont know what they are at all anymore! im not happy w my body but i wouldnt be happy w any version of it even if i could shapeshift into anything i think. im not happy w my style and lately ive been appreciating a fun wide variety of different styles and i do really enjoy doing makeup and spending time w myself in the morning but i feel awful when i apply it to my own self, or when i try out any styles i like to look at on other ppl. i dont know if i want to be a girl anymore, i was comfortable questioning it and confident identifying that way since way back but now it doesnt feel as right anymore but im not sure if being a they would be more or even less comfortable for me. i dont know if id like to align myself as solidly as i used to with lesbianism, or if i might be bi. i dont know where i want to go or what id like to do or if the degree im working towards is anything ill enjoy pursuing further after graduating anymore. its so strange feeling so unsure about so many aspects of my identity and so many facets of my life right now, especially since for so many yrs like at least the entirety of high school i was really confidently sure about these things that now have gotten so much more fluid that i feel like theyve slipped through my fingers and that ive fallen in the puddle they created and bruised my bones. i do know that the things i care about most are happiness and comfort and love and that i think theyre what matter most to be able to find and hold onto in the world.. that i want those things for everyone. i think at least thats some solid footing i can start to ground myself on, but i really dont know much past that and its been making me feel really uneasy since im so uncomfortable with anything unknown, and since ive never felt so unsure or lost in regards to who i am before. i know some of this is normal and comes with the formation of ur adult self, but i just want so badly to get out of this weird limbo ive been floating through and to be able to say that i confidently know who i am!

#bye i could unpack every sentence of this into its own essay but that is for another time 😌#anyway 'mortifying ordeal of being known' this 'show me a permanent state of the self' that but i want to see them! for me! tell me who i am #anyway im taking an art history course that centers on identity art with my fav prof and talking abt the concept of identity last week has #got me thinking about things #😌❤️

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