#im so ashamed of living as this.... broken thing. i dont want to be broken

[cupoftaae]

Still Perfect (JK Drabble)

Summary- Your mind is playing evil tricks on you again, and the only one who can bring you back down to earth is your husband, the one you are ashamed to admit everything to.

Warnings- swearing, minor angst, they are in luv its cute, mentions of depression (reader), mentions of medications. 18+

Enjoy <3

"Baby...I'm gonna take Gia outside to test the new swing I put up, do you wanna come?" Jungkook whispered, his hand on your back as you laid in the dark bedroom at 2 in the afternoon.

You sighed, looking up at your husbands face, "I want to but I just...Im so tired"

He nodded sadly, "okay...thats okay you dont have to, I'll take pictures?"

"yes please" you smile weakly

"mama!! mama! lets go outside!" Your 3 year old, Gia, runs into the room and stands beside your bed.

Jungkook was quick to pick her up into his arms, squeezing her, "mama isnt feeling too good right now, shes gotta rest." he whispered

"again?" your daughter pouted, her big eyes looking down at you- and with single glance, your heart was broken into 5 million pieces.

Jungkook frowned, "hey, sometimes adults get tired, its okay, we will go have fun in the backyard and you can see mama later? wave bye bye" he held her small hand up and waved for her as he began to leave the room, mouthing a soft "love you" in your direction before the door shut.

with that, the tears began to flow.

Your depression struggles have always found a way into your family, when you were dating jungkook you spent so much time explaining that sometimes you just cant function, and he was the first boyfriend you had that understood and didnt make you feel like a piece of shit for struggling with something out of your control.

It was nice, but then the fears that he would leave set in.

He always tries his best to make sure you feel loved and appreciated, when he proposed, he took you to Italy for 3 weeks just to be alone with you.

And your wedding was no different either.

He made sure you felt beautiful the way you were, showing you off at any chance he could, and even stepping away from the after party with you for a bit when things got overwhelming.

Many emotions were experienced when you became pregnant after 3 months of marriage. The guilt in believing you werent a good mother, the guilt for not having enough energy to eat most days even though you knew it wasnt just about/for yourself.

The self neglect was the worst part, and if jungkook had not been there to help you through all of the ugly, you dont know what you would have done.

You love him so much and the thought that maybe he doesnt feel that from you is terrifying, the thought that your daughter is only 3 and is already catching onto her mothers odd behavior is alarming.

Gia sees her friends moms play with them, she goes over to her cousins house and plays with their mom, why doesnt her own mom have that energy?

The tears seeped into the silk pillows as you squeezed your eyes shut.

This was how it often was for you: no emotion at all, or sadness. thats it, since you were 13.

No amount of doctor visits or therapy could fix you, and now you were letting it ruin your family.

-

A bit after Jungkook brought Gia inside, she fell asleep on the couch in the living room.

He smiled and took a photo of her small bundled up body laying on the cushion before making his way upstairs to show you.

"honey, you awake?" he mumbled, sliding open the door and walking in.

You were facing the opposite wall, feeling absolutely numb.

"baby" he smiled, kissing your forehead, "you okay? you wanna see the videos of gia?"

You tried to open your mouth to talk but nothing came out, instead your eyes teared up again and you turned your face further into the pillow to hide.

He frowned, putting his phone away as he climbed under the covers with you, his larger body spooning against yours. "sweetheart, whats going on?" his hand brought you closer

"I dont know" you whispered quietly

"just not doing good again?" he questioned, hand rubbing your side softly to soothe you.

You nod, unable to talk.

"im here for you, did you take your medication?"

"no.."

"okay well lets do that now so we dont forget, okay?" he sat up and pulled open your nightstand drawer, taking the pill you take daily and handing it to you alongside a water bottle.

You gently sat up and leaned against the headboard, taking the pill.

"where is she?" you asked quietly, teary eyes catching to kooks in the dimly lit bedroom.

"she passed out on the couch downstairs, bam is laying with her" he smiled, finding a cozy spot beside you again.

"am I a bad mom?" you question, watching his face contort

"what? why would you ask me that? of course you arent"

"jungkook I havent been able to leave the room for 2 days, this isnt normal....she misses me, she needs her mommy and im failing her" your voice cracked slightly as jungkook immediately brought you into his arms, caging you against him.

"dont talk like that, you are such an amazing woman, y/n. I would have never married you otherwise. You are so fucking strong and you cant let yourself fall into this dark space, you are struggling, yes, but we take it step by step, just like we've always done." he rubs your back as he speaks, "and Gia doesnt feel left out, she would not stop talking about you the entire time we were outside. Dont tell her I told you but she picked a bunch of 'flowers' for you" he giggled, "I didnt have the heart to tell her they were just weeds"

You allow yourself to laugh softly, leaning into your husbands embrace.

"you are doing so well....so incredibly well baby. I know life isnt always fair but we cant blame ourselves, we have to pick up what we have learned and move on as stronger people."

You nod, looking at him as he wipes the tear on your cheek.

"my beautiful girl, I love you so much, you know that?"

You smile sadly, "I love you too"

"can I take you downstairs and we can cuddle on the couch? I'll cook for you, you havent eaten in hours"

"okay" you sniff, allowing jungkook to help you up and keep a blanket wrapped around your body.

-

"mommy!"

Gia's toothless smile greeted you as you came downstairs, Bam laying on her protectively.

"Hi baby" you waved and walked over, sitting onto the couch and letting her crawl into your lap. "I missed you sweetheart, oh- your overalls are backwards" you giggled softly

Jungkook blushed as he sat on the other side of you, sharing a funny glance with his daughter.

"daddy dress me" she whispered

"I can tell" you smile, squeezing her tightly and rocking back and forth gently.

"my pretty girls" jungkook whispered, more so to himself than directed at you both.

"and bammy" gia added on, hiding her face against your chest.

"and bammy" you insisted, rubbing her back

Jungkook leaned over to wrap you two into his arms, kissing both of your heads.

"did you have fun outside" you asked

Gia giggled, "yeah...but daddy pushed the swing too much, I fell" she babbled

"what?" You look at your husband

"shes okay, shes breathing, shes here" he began, smothering his hands over his little girls face as she laughed loudly.

"mama feeling okay?" she asked once you all calmed down,

"mama is doing okay, my dear. Dont worry about me, I love you so much" you squished her face softly and kissed her nose

"love you more!!" she added, clapping her hands

"Love you most!!" You couldnt help but smile as jungkook leaned his head against the back of the couch, eyes drawn on his wife and daughter only.

"i'll make some lunch" he spoke, standing

"yay!! I help?" Gia hopefully asked

"no no, you girls sit there and look cute" he winked at you before walking off to the kitchen, bam following him in hopes of getting a treat.

You loved your little family, and you wouldnt trade them for anything the world had more to offer.

They were the ones who got your through the toughest part of life, and you were grateful that in this moment you didnt have to fake a smile.

#bts #bts fanfic #bts smut #bts fluff #jungkook fluff #jungkook angst #jungkook scenarios #jeon jungkook #jungkook #jungkook drabble

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

hello! im reasonably new to your account and i just saw that you have an arcana playlist (love the idea of that) and i dont know if you still take suggestions for the playlist, but in case you do, i have a few songs that remind me of characters (aka just Muriel, like literally just him) that might be of use :)

On the Mountain Tall - the Oh Hellos, not only does the name and the general vibe of the song fit him but there are a few lyrics in it like "I know you want me to be afraid, I know you want me to love you" "Up out of the grave of an angry ghost, Firing bricks from broken canon and prose, To build a wall so high it reaches the heavens in the sky" "Still you beat your drums, Raising holy war with every strum, Shouting down the quiet kingdom come, Brushing at your fingers, hoping you'll come around" that honestly just fit very very well

How to Disappear Completely - Radiohead cus its sad as fuck. "I'm not here, This isn't happening, I'm not here, I'm not here, In a little while, I'll be gone, The moment's already passed, Yeah, it's gone", if thats not a man dissociating through traumatic expiriences i dont know what is. The song keeps repeating "im not here", and seeing how Muriel chose to have a curse that makes people forget him, it is very fitting

Trapdoor - Twenty One Pilots, i have had an arcana obsession since like? 2019? when i was still a massive fan of this band, and this song always reminded me of muriel. "Take me out and finish this waste of a life, Everyone one gather around for a show, Watch as this man disappears as we know, Do me a favor and try to ignore, When you watch him fall through a blatant trapdoor, 'Cause nobody know his life (i always thought it was "he's alive")", it gives the vibes of how the people of vesuvia did Not Give A Shit About him. They just thought hed willingly murder so many people, nobody saw the literal chains he was stuck in and thought "hmm maybe hes being forced to do this"

No Suprises - Radiohead, it reminds me of how Muriel pulled away from all society after he fled from the colosseum. It reminds me of how he was so scared and so ashamed to interact with people, how he just wanted some silent and rest after all the horrible things he went though, not just in the colosseum but his entire youth. "You look so tired, unhappy. Bring down the government, They don't, they don't speak for us. I'll take a quiet life, A handshake of carbon monoxide, No alarms and no surprises, No alarms and no surprises, No alarms and no surprises, Silent, Silent", to me the song always feels like it needs to be sung while sobbing.

Sleep - My Chemical Romance, i 100% believe Muriel has so many nightmares, i mean its even shown in his route once. A symptom of ptsd is night terrors, and seeing what the guy has lived through theres no way he goes to sleep normally. I think this song catches the vibe of this pretty well.

PTSD - Joost, literally just a (dutch) song about ptsd. its a massive vibe and cus i hc that Muriel has ptsd i thought it be fitting

Me? Having massive brainrot abt Muriel? perhaps...

i hope this can be useful for your playlist!! (also if youd like i can give more of this, it is very fun to do lol)

@canofpeaches00000 woah, these are all awesome suggestions! I really appreciate how you broke down the lyrics and added context to them too, it doubled my capacity to enjoy them! ^.^

I've added them to the playlist and I'm putting them on the tag, thank you for all the recommendations friend! :D

#ask arcana brainrot #arcana brainrot playlist #the arcana #the arcana headcanons #the arcana hc #the arcana game #muriel of the kokhuri #muriel the arcana

[dyingclown]

warning VERY long vent post (no tws)

today is her birthday

isnt that crazy

this time last year I texted her and I apologized

and I mailed her a package

i made her a puppet

i wonder if she has it displayed somewhere

what does she think about when she looks at it

is it positive? negative? do I deserve either

when we met I was 12 and she was 13

and now shes 17

thats just wild

i cant believe I didnt know her for any of year 16

i can literally only blame myself is the thing

i miss her so much I cant even describe it with words

it feels like a part of me is missing

we would talk about being twin flames and then we decided that we were actually platonic soulmates

because twin flames burn out

and we weren't going to burn out, right?

we didn't burn out though

it was more of a fade

i cant tell which is worse

we exited each other's lives as quietly as we entered them

sewn in and out and that was it

we were the same exact person

same life same mind we were the same

the bond we shared was just unforgettable

she was like an older sister

i don't know

it just kills me that it seems like it was just the other day that we were laughing all night long and texting for hours and saying the craziest shit to make each other laugh

we were just kids

and we still are

the impact she left on me is impossible to overstate

i hope that when she remembers me her memories are positive

i hope she still garners some amount of love for me

i wonder what shes doing with her life now

she used to want to be a marine biologist

i remember when she got an opportunity to go do some sort of summer internship and she was so excited

and I remember when it didn't end up working out

she was devastated but she would never have said it out loud

god we were with each other through everything

i remember when I came back in july of 2022 and I told her what happened

i was so ashamed

she almost seemed disappointed in me in a way

she asked me "do you think a part of you wanted it?"

and to that, I didn't know what so say

i told her I didn't want it

but a part of me did

i was desperate for that kind of attention again

that dangerous feeling that comes with a situation like that

the excitement and the adrenaline pumping through my body and the feeling of being the only person on the planet that mattered

for that month it was only him and i

and I do mean only

4 day long voice calls

broken on accident only to make another one for 3 days

every second of every day full of him

spending no time with my family because I wanted to go back to him and give him all my time

not one text to any of my friends

for the whole month

thats where all this shit came from

that one month without contacting anyone I loved

thats where I'm stuck

and that's why I don't have anyone

all my damn friends fucking gone because I couldnt just text

god why couldn't I just text

im definitely a pussy

too afraid to type letters

i sit behind that damn screen watching them type

watching them talk to me

beg me for something

literally anything

and I sit there and I watch

and it would be so easy to click the text bar and just send them something

let them know I'm alive

but I dont

i stay quiet

and I wipe the tears out of my eyes so I can see the screen again

and I mute the conversation once they're all done

just so I can breathe

and then I cant sleep because my mind is spinning with everything I could have done, should have done, could do and should do

and all the things that I wont do

and I know I'll never be different

how could I ever hold an online friendship again

i just cant

id be too scared

id love them so hard but I'd run away because I'm terrified of hurting someone again

im so scared of another person flooding my DMS with desperate pleas to come back

its so scary

and my other friend group

i wonder how they are now

i loved them so much

i hope they're ok

i wonder how they talk about me

i would give anything to see the messages in that group chat

but I'll never know what theyre saying and it kills me

they made jokes about me before I even left

its interesting

3 wildly different responses and I cant tell which hurt the most

letting me leave quietly, constant texts and begging, or jokes and insults until I left on my own

how could I ever say that my friends are the most important parts of my life if I don't even make an effort to keep them in it

it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts so bad

i miss everyone

god i MISS them

i could say it a million times and it wouldnt be enough

and then I could scream it another million

and it wouldn't make a difference on the situation

i just feel like I'm trapped in a tornado and my life is beneath me being kicked up by the wind and rubble

and I just cant get out

and its my fault any of it is happening to begin with

I MISS THEM SO MUCH

WORDS CANNOT DESCRIBE HOW MUCH I LOVED THEM AND STILL DO

I LOVE THEM SO MUCH IT HURTS ME PHYSICALLY

what I wouldn't give to talk to them again

genuinely

"i would give you my heart I think"

just once just for a day if everything could go back to normal that would be enough

if I could hear them calling me alli one more time

or al

they were the only ones who called me those

i remember how beautiful it felt to have a nickname like that

i would have done anything for them

but I know that they kind of treated me poorly

i would give and give every part of myself but it still somehow wasn't enough

i gave them everything

i would have given them the world

wrote a whole poem for jay and she complained to me about it for the rest of the time I knew her

because I went over the word limit on the assignment

and she didn't even have the grace to check the word count before the last possible minute she could turn it in

and then as soon as she texted me I made a new version where I removed unnecessary parts

i spent every second I could, i was on my way to school but nonetheless i was trying so hard to meet the word limit

and she didn't even turn in that version

i remember when I would text them good morning every day and I would text them and make sure they always had something nice to wake up to

but the thing is they never read my messages

they never responded to them

and then when they disappeared one day they freaked out

constantly taking me for granted and only realizing it once my usual actions disappeared

and then using insults to bring me back

i would have fought for them with a sword

i would have done anything

but would they have done the same for me?

i hope they would

but the truth is that I don't know

i just don't know

but I miss them

i dont miss their judgement though

or the lonely feeling I was left with after we spoke

but what I do miss is that call until 4 am where we spend it reading out loud that webcomic you liked by marsoid (edit: its "ride or die")

and how you would voice act the screeching tires and the mic wouldn't even pick up on it so it was just garbled robotic noises coupled with your shrieking noises

i laughed so fucking hard that night

i think that they forgot that I was a kid

when we met, I was in eighth grade, jay was in 10th grade, cherish was in 11th grade, and vick was in 12th grade

now, Vick has already graduated

cherish is graduating soon if she hasnt already

god Jays going to be a senior next year

they forgot I was just a kid

i think that at times I was more adult than any of them

i wonder how Vicks doing

i wonder if he ever got that job he was talking about

or maybe hes in college

i remember how happy and stunning he looked in his graduation pictures

and I remember the jokes that they would play on me

saying that Jay and cherish finally got to meet up in person

theyre supposed to this summer

i hope that goes well

i know it will

theyve been friends for years

i miss the things we would all do together

it was so much fun and nothing mattered but us

i liked how they would respond to someone hurting me in some way

that school year sucked to me and when the day was finally over I would text them on the bus all about it

and they would tell me about how they were going to beat up all the people who hurt me

and all that shit

i liked it

i liked feeling protected

and then they would make me laugh and cheer me up

but that was all only part of it

it was so good but other parts weren't so good

like when they would say kind of ableist things to me and would brush it off when I pointed it out

and they wouldnt take me seriously

or they would make jokes I told them not to make

idk

it just made me feel lonely

but I miss it nonetheless

the loneliness they made me feel was better than the emptiness I feel now that they're gone

i wonder if they'll ever understand

i wonder if they'll ever think about it from my perspective

you can only give so much before you're all used up

god it reminds me of something kiea said to me

i think it was something like

"I wanted to be an infinite well of kindness that you could always dip from when you needed it"

i cant think about that

that hurts too bad to think about

this post is too long anyway

happy birthday eden

i hope you're well

[iloveyouw]

16 Nov 2022 omg its my brothers bday 9.30am ish

here is my attempt on giving my life review.

1/5 stars. hate the old me actually but here goes. honestly dk if this is what u want, but i think i shall express it in my own thoughts.

when i was with Gary i was young. he was my first love. and it wasnt how i thought it would be. i think he is a great person, but and a subpar boyfriend. thats maybe cos of our age gap. i always felt very small with him and i hate being "shut down", i was young and energetic. i had goals and dreams. i wanted to be an art director. when i was 19, we all had that conv of what do we see ourselves 5 years later. i said i dont know. it feels far away. little did i know the worst years of my life was about to happen. when i was 19 i was already a broken person. what happened to me the first time to an unknown stranger, it felt forced. i wasnt ready 100%. i was pessured because back then the ppl around me were not virgins anymore. it felt like i was in a rush to prove myself. i know. i know. that sounds fucking, incredibly dumb. what can i say? i was young and stupid. i always find the need to lie about my numbers. i told gary he wasnt my first, just because im scared of feeling more than less than if it were the case. i told him he was my third or second. i dont rmb, i rmb lying about it. i was ashamed, he had like 9 or 10. again, incredibly stupid. i could never be myself. as i grew older, i always learn and find myself being ashamed of who i am. who i was. who i would eventually turn out to be. theres just, always a reason to be ashamed of myself.

when i broke up w gary i wasnt in love with him anymore. i did not give him proper closure. he was left in shambles. right away, i went to exploreeee, i am 20 now. i was scared of hooking up. haziq warned me about how the first times would be like. its a thin fine line to thread. i threaded it and narrowly escaped. matt. the first hook up. i took it pretty well. it was awkward as hell. like fucking awkward. uncomfortable awkward. but i wanted it. i wanted to try. i knew i had support. i always make sure i am cushioned if i fall. horrible thing to say yeah; well matt used me. i didnt know that until 6 months later he snapchatted me and ask if i were around. he didnt even remember i dont live there. i met 7 australians in the span of 2 weeks. well sorta. i rmb being ghosted by 1 and i left 1 half way. i rmb i told him (i need to pass my roommate the keys to the apartment, its v last min srysry) and i up and leave, we were at a bar LOL. i was scared. so minus that 2 i met matt, jerry, guy 1 (where we just made out), guy 2 (where i just gave him a bj lol horrible too), alex (the one that begged me to go over). matt wasnt an issue, i forgot how he looked like, but i rmb his dog. and i rmb it being extremely awkward. but i told haziq i think i got attached. but i was not la. i was confused at that time. but it deep down i know it wasnt anything. horrible guy for expecting me to go back 6mths ltr.

jerry. he was a great person. he didnt use me. jerry wanted to hang out with me and get to know me, like actually. within a week, we met like 3 or 4 times? it was different yknow, he treated my like a local and respected me! he brought me to get groceries beers, hummus, snacks and we sat at a park. it was a beautiful day and view. weather was great. we talked. thats the first time. then the next one he brought me to a rooftop bar!! v cool place along the melb street. i miss that place. not the disgusting men. but i fell in love with melb!! then after he brought me over. but we didnt hook up yet. we sat at the porch and listened to our fav music. i shared turnover with him and he shares his with me. i dont remember though. after awhile it go warm we head in, ordered pizza and watched black mirror. he was the one that got me hooked to the show!! he bought everything including ubers and shit. we smoked a joint and it was very common there. everyond had weed in their pockets. like 9 out of 10 people have. then i got comfortable with him and thats when we hooked up! i stayed the night i think. then next morning he sent me back. i think he was in the midst of moving, so the next time we met was his new place? really cant remember. but we hooked up again and he was the first guy that bother to pleasure me. come to think of it. gary like nv go down on me before. not any that i can rmb of anyways. back to it, i didnt know how to cum lol so i pretended it was nice but really i dont know how to feel. and then i cant rmb but i think he send me to school that morning and when he dropped me was like alot of traffic and i almost got banged haha and he texted like be careful u almost got smooshed. so thats nice. thats all ah. to me jerry was a nice cute little relationship that we both got like a lil attached but knew it couldnt be anything. and nothing better than both parties feeling mutual yet agreeable. so i liked that! plus he was essentially doing my dream job, abit different but still hes creative! (back when i had dreams)

and then comes the shitty people that i always try to forget, like the one that ghosted me -.- and the one that i knew i wasnt gna get anything out of it but felt obliged to meet since we agreed. then i sucked him off which honestly, did i want it? back then maybe. but it felt more like, compliance. which i know, again, horrible. then the skinny one, at least he have the decency to buy me a drink... but thats the least he could do honestly. not worth, 0 worth. but i tried saying no. and i wasnt firm enough. so that happened. i will give him credit for sending me back the next day. although it made me feel like shit so he ought to. honestly he ought to do more but ugh whatever.

dumb dumb dumb and dumbest thing about to happen u ready? i came back and that was when i knew kegan. so i give u an example. it wasnt the exact dates ah, but its how rmbed it to be. nov i knew qai, dec i knew kegan, jan i got tgt with kegan. so qai was there all along. he liked me, i just didnt like him like that. we kissed cos i didnt know what to do. I KNOW HORRIBLE TOO LOL but he wanted more and i pushed him and said no. i knew i didnt want to have anything like that with him. i guess i dont know how to say no. its true. then kegan lai liao lor. first time we met i think we talked first. yknow, hes an asshole. he had to cheek to tell me (when we were alrd tgt) that the first time we met he purposely suggested somewhere near my place so i would say yes) i got baited wtf. i have something thats unrelated that i can tell u about kegan, if u wna know i tell u but im not gna write here, but just for my reference it is about matthew.

first time we met, i just came back from australia. im "new" and "changed", yknow, not timid jo anymore. proud of what i did. c00l. so i acted like im not afraid of meeting new people and hooking up. "its normal what" mentality. so first time meeting kegan, i told him "u want or not" HAHA and then he said i was bold and he liked me. and i tell u kegan is the biggest loser of all time. i fucking hate him. hes the biggest shapeshifter, he is NOT who i thought he was and he was amazing at doing that. again, maybe the meth. omg do i have a special spot for him in my heart cos i turned out to be him... living a fake identity and trying to run away but get pulled back by meth.... ok i stop here for now. i go think about that first then cont LOL its been an hour ish alrd. i dont know if this is what u want. i will just post it it can serve as a reminder for me to... although im afraid of whats to come... hais. ok nnww

side note, in melb i walked alot. i walked everywhere. i rmb walking for like 3-4 bus stops and go shopping alone, i just opened my google maps and see a mall, i maps my way there, then this old lady asked me for directions, which was very cute!! i acted like im a local haha and used the map to show her where she was going, then she gave me coins LOL and forgot what she said, but smth like get ice cream or smth. so thats very cute.

[terrestrialsnail]

.

#full awareness i only use the tags as a personal venting post #so apologies in advance but i gotta get it out #this quarantine has been such a drain on my mental health #of course my mental health was also total garbage this past september so i guess i should be used to it #i know my mind is in the wrong place and if i could just get it out of its wallowing id probably be much better #i just get sad tho #ive been at my parents house and it just feels like my family is broken #and i feel like im disconnected on a personal level from everyone i care about #and im sad about it all #and its rough staying cooped up when pretty much no one else is #and i probably wouldnt be as stringent—not that i wouldnt be careful—if i didnt live with my parents #but every time ive been trusted to make the right decision when it mattered i feel like ive always made the wrong one #and so i dont want to be careless only to have someone close to me be hurt #so i just kind of am alone #and am surrounded by a dysfunctional family #and i do go storm chase and kayak sometimes which is nice #but its still just a lot of isolation thats throwing all of these unresolved emotions in my face #also i feel ashamed and stupid to mention it but i wish i could find some kind of relationship #i feel dumb to mention it like its some childish thing or something im #idk #but how old do i have to be before it becomes pathetic that i havent found a mutually romantic and intimate relationship #not to downplay my previous relationships #but none of them were mutual. my first boyfriend ended up being gay and my second relationship was essentially the inverse #again not to downplay the meaningfulness of those relationships and the things gained #but its not the same #ive never been held by someone where it was mutual and where i didnt feel guilt #and i just kind of feel like im missing out and i dont actually know anyone in my same situation lol #and i know people are great and fine and have good opinions and advice regardless of their life experiences up to this point #but im just kind of tired of listening to people who have been in relationships and have found love tell me that its fine that #ive been alone all this time

[missdawnandherdusk]

So I saw the post where you said send in requests and i havent seen anything negating that, so uh, do you think you could write something (when you have the time and motivation of course please dont feel obligated (unless you want to) ) where people start noticing the way Draco flinches whenever someone makes a sudden movement and then all of the sudden one day he comes back to the castle after holiday and its so much worse and people start kinda trying to help and make his days better?

okay, here we go. And no one can convince me that no one at Hogwarts noticed that Draco was a victim of abuse but since Harry has the attention span of a goldfish, it wasn’t added that and JKR is a terrible person.

Also warning: this does talk about physical emotional and mental abuse. I want you all to know that you NEVER deserve it and never believe that your abuse situation “isn’t that bad.” You are cherished and loved and worthy and valuable.��

okay, so the first year wasn’t too bad not that it wasn’t bad but, well Draco was innocent to any other way so he thought it was normal for his father to do what he did

Then things start to dawn on him that maybe no... this isn’t how it’s supposed to go. Yet, whenever he asks a question against his father... things don’t end well for him. “But why are muggle-born so bad?” “What’s wrong with the Weasleys?” “Why are you so mean to the house-elves?”  It never ends well, so he stops asking but now boy does he have a lot of questions and internal conflict that grows.

back to the point so someone drops a book/cauldron/glass something and Draco jumps and begins to panic “is his father mad? What did he do? How can he do better?” because he’s convinced that his father is on another rampage, but Crabbe just nudges his arm and he’s brought back to the present and that he’s not in trouble or danger

Snape is the first to notice because he knows what to look for in a child that has been abused at home, from personal experience, so he scolds the student who dropped the thing harshly

Our darling Hufflepuffs take note very quickly. In fact, there’s a support group at Hogwarts for kids who come from not so safe homes. Magical abuse or not, it's a group to just come and feel safe and like you’re not alone lead by Sprout and McGonagall

In Herbology with Draco, the Hufflepuff tells Momma Sprout about what they think is going on and boy is Sprout a momma bear looking out for Draco at every turn and looking into any records she can get her hands on

These kids from the support group start to become very worried about Draco because they’ve seen it all before and they hate seeing anyone else go through what they went through

They start to send him anonymous letters so that he’ll get mail in the mornings, and sneak sweets/snacks into his bag when they notice he’s not eating, or volunteer to be his partner in class

Boy is Draco confused

Which means he snaps a lot more and is rude and scared because he doesn’t understand why they’re being so nice to him

Alone is what I have, alone is what protects me

When Buckbeak attacks him, of course, he breaks down into tears because it’s all too familiar and he’s terrified that if he blinks he might open his eyes and it’ll be his father coming at him, not Buckbeak

and maybe he keeps the bandages and brace on longer for more than he needs it because it was a reminder that someone cared for him and mended his wounds and he didn’t have to do it himself

You think he just like Potions? Oh no, he’s had to make his own healing Potions all his life for the sake of keeping up the family appearance.

Luna Lovegood, the precious child sees right through all of it. Easily. And is a lot more confrontational about it than the support group, who did things more on the down-low. She takes all of his ridicule and taunts and snaps and lets him yell at her because she knows he needs to vent to someone

When Hermione pulls her wand out to attack him, sure, he could be a drama queen with all bark and no bite but maybe again it's too familiar and whenever there’s a wand in his face like that it ends with him in pain 

That night Luna finds Draco in the Astronomy tower alone and just sits next to him. 

He scoffs but after a while asks how can she deal with living alone with her father. She tells him that her father is the kindest person she knows and it finally gets through to Draco that how he grew up was not normal.  

Luna tells him about the Support Group and he gets notes here and there as invitations, and maybe he decides to go one night

He’s surprised to see a lot of kids he knows. Luna goes and sits by some of her friends, Neville is there, and quite a few older Slytherins, and the Hufflepuff from his Herbology class who smiles and waves at him. 

He realizes that these are all the kids who have been nice to him

He doesn’t share at all during the meeting (it’s sort of like AA where kids just go through and talk about what happens to them, if they’ve grown or made progress, what scared them still. The older kids offer advice and comfort and tissues because everyone cries) 

He doesn’t share for a few weeks of meetings that he attends, but he doesn’t feel so hopeless anymore

Maybe now he doesn’t snap so much and maybe he’s not as scared anymore to let people in because he’s not alone and he realizes that everyone has their own inner demons and struggles

Fifth-year is the worst for him. With No Nose back, his father is vicious and ruthless and takes his pain and anger out on Draco. 

It’s after easter break that he finally shares. “My... my father...” 

Before he can say another word there are arms wrapped around him and hands on his shoulders and soft encouragements and consoles. 

“He... he used the cruatious curse on me... and said that if I didn’t do it on someone else that he’d...” And Draco just breaks down into tears because he feels wicked and broken and ashamed. 

He cries harder when no one judges him or yells at him or treats him differently. He’s still just Draco to them. The same thing happens when he tells them about the Dark Mark,

When he starts to slip through the cracks, the group vividly helps him like they’ve helped kids before him for generations. 

Ravenclaws helped him study and find motivation when he started to fail his classes, Hufflepuffs show him how to have fun and take breaks and self-care, Slytherins are there in the common room on sleepless nights with tea and blankets, Gryffindors are there  as a defense squad against anyone who wants to get to Draco and boy do they rip on Harry

But maybe Draco sees in Harry what the others saw in him. A kid who’s very fast with reflexes and has the same sort of anger and defense mechanisms that he did

Draco defends Harry from a Slytherin and Harry is confused and the Slytherin is confused but they back down

Harry just glares and walks away and Draco rolls his eyes and sighs

He sends Harry invitations to the Support Group but the golden boy never shows

When the Death Eaters kidnap Luna, Draco about loses it because Luna was one of the first ones who helped him grow

So he goes down to the dungeon and they still have their own little support group. Luna sees first hand what it’s like to be Draco especially when his father makes Draco use the cruatious curse on her

He cries and begs for Luna’s forgiveness and of course, he has it, she knows he never wanted to hurt anyone

At Hogwarts seventh year, he and the Slytherins who were a part of the support group are now also apart of the rebellion and Draco is livid about the punishments that Snape allows because how dare he allow physical abuse as a punishment and he gets an earful from Draco about it

Snape explains that it’s to keep him safe and Voldemort from suspecting anything and Draco just “I don’t give a damn about me or you! Stop hurting these kids! They’ve done nothing to deserve it!” And he’s in tears

Snape pulls back on his regimen a bit

Of course, Draco lies to his father about not knowing who Harry is. Why would he let his father win when Draco held the cards? 

When Draco’s father calls him back to the side of the Death Eaters, he’s about to go because he is still afraid of his father but Luna takes his hand and so does the Hufflepuff from Herbology, and soon there are hands on his shoulders and arms, reminding him that he’s not alone and that he’s not the scared little kid anymore and he stands with Hogwarts

He and Harry eventually have a talk about growing up and the abuse they both suffered and Harry and Draco both grow as people and stop being so childish and put away the grudge and hatred for another

He takes a Slytherin girl under his wing in eighth year who’s two years younger than him and jumping at her own shadow. He brings her into the Support Group and helps her find some courage and self-worth

That girl is Astoria Greengrass

Tags: @coffee-addicti @msmcsmutt @ravn-87@artemismohr18 @whygz @crazywritingbug @fuzzy-panda @bitemebro522  @zombiesnips-blog @jillanaholland @shookyungsoo @savingdraco @welcometomyworldwithoutrules @akari180 @slytherin-emerald @chaotic-good-gemini @memalfoy-spidey @theres-a-dog-outside-omg @queenfeatherwings @fanficflaneuse @go-whovian-universe @spicyshenanigans @darling-im-not-okay-i-promise @dietkiwi @katsukink @takemetothekingdom @strangerr-things @tmnt-queen @mccloudchloe @hxneybgb @justsomerandomgur @belcvayelena @moviesbooksandfandoms @howdycharlie @xtrashmouthxtozierx @cocochanelthepupper @ninacotte @braelynn-j @jiggllyy @honeymarvel @darcypottah @atomicpunkrock @thiccheerioss @lottie289 @boredashaeck @beautiful-pegasus @tceedlmao @deadlynyghtshayde @iconjuresnapeingrandmaclothes @anonymous034 @bi-andready-tocry @lunna-does-real-doodle @dragonsandbread @atomicwonderlandmentality @okaydraco @the–queen-of-hell @langdonzvoid @cmxreader @alienmotel @oh-itsnothing​ @tulippings​ @thestressedprincess​ @sunflowerxsadnessw​ @caps-wilsonn​ @fattycooter​ @angelotakunerd08​ @thisisahugemistake​ @fanficsigottaread​ @gweaslvy​ @okaydraco​ @strawberriesonsummer​ @ughjjloveme​ @honeymarvel​  @gaysludge​ @cleopatera​ @ray-of-sunrise​ @artist-bby​ @shadowsingeraxolotl​ @peters-legos​ @quillsareforwriting​ @ghostlytoadalmondhairdo​ @wollymalfoy​ @lilpieceoftoast @monimillion @howdycharlie @gnf847

#draco #draco malfoy #draco malfoy x #draco headcanons #draco and luna #draco and astoria #draco angst #draco fluff #draco one shot #draco imagine #draco lucius malfoy #lucius malfoy #narcissa malfoy #neville longbottom #luna lovegood #hogwarts #slytherin #gryffindor #ravenclaw #hufflepuff #professor sprout #the battle of hogwarts #the deathly hallows #the order of the phoenix #the half blood prince #severus snape #albus dumbledore #minerva mcgonagall #harry potter #hermione granger

[bellamyblake]

I dont wanna be mean but I Have been rewatching lately and I realized that Clarke's live is tragic it is but Bellamy's more Fucked up

in many ways i agree with this mostly because i’ve been thinking about it since he died a lot. 

and yes i do think clarke’s life is very tragic but what i do think also happened to her is that the SL itself punished her unnicessarily especially in the last season, in ways that...if you count all of eliza’s scenes, about 80% of them are her crying and it honestly got very very exhausting. even to watch. as good as she is and she is great, it gets repetitive. she sells it but you start wondering gd why?? you become indifferent at some point to it all.

that aside, i do agree because of a few major points.

bellamy’s never had a happy childhood. 

of course we don’t know what his life was like before O.ctavia was born. i like to think that maybe there was a glimpse of hope there. i think and hope too that bob wanted his filipino heritige respect though it never was but in my headcanon land he had a filipino dad who loved him dearly and who died tragically after which things went very wrong. but i believe he was loved dearly. 

yet canon and the writers i think tried to instill the idea that aurora slept with random men so neither his nor o’s father are known. however i do believe aurora must’ve loved him a lot when he was born and i think he was a mama’s boy before O was born and everything concentrated solely on her.

so yes, he’s had a very unhappy childhood. a childhood marked by mostly FEAR and that is no way for a child to live and whilst Clarke has had a tragic life we have seen her past and we know she had a family-a dad and a mom, a father who loved her dearly, she was clearly a dada’s girl, the apple of his eye, he understood her, they were connected, which is why she sees him so often in memories or when she is in situations where she almost *dies*. and as complicated as her relationship with her mother is, it’s clear abby’s love for her is very strong even if their relationship was strained by Jake’s passing.

so clarke had a family, she lived in Alpha where we know conditions were better and she was best friend with the chancellor’s son. i’d say up to the point where her father died things were probably pretty rosy.

meanwhile bellamy became a parent more or less at the age of seven. a child was placed in his hands in the way a mother passes a newborn to her husband, and he becomes responsible for a life that technically-

is not allowed to exist.

just let that whole part sink in cause that’s the tragedy of him.

he lived in absolute fear of the worst happening.  forced to become a guard so he could protect her, share rations with his forbidden sister so she could live and help his mother out.

then his worst fear happened.

because of HIMSELF!

the one moment he dared reach for happiness it was taken from him. and it killed his mom who he clearly loves very much and locked his sister who we know he loves beyond himself.

a year of absolutely lonliness, guilt-rideness and pain passes.

then he goes to earth and his sister who’s finally free decides to have a life of her own and split like every child does at some point, from her family. be free because she’s been locked up all her life and he’s left..confused?? doing irrational things, trying to control what he no longer can control.

trying to hold on to love.

because in all the pain and suffering he did have a family-his mom and his sister.

but now it’s gone.

then he grows to love and care for the 100. for clarke.

and he goes into a mountain to save them.

but instead ends up committing genocide.

meanwhile his sister runs off with a grounder (which...i have thoughts on o’s love life but i wont go there now).

and then he’s left alone by the one person he still had in his life. and let’s be real i love the blakes but they were never truly resolved. they came close to it in season 6 but it wasn’t truly done well. so i think it’s fair to say that from the moment he touches the ground, even though he does it for his sister-

he loses her.

and he only has clarke left.

but clarke leaves.

so he’s loveless, empty, broken and absolutely destroyed by the fact that he killed a mountain full of people some of whom were good and tried to save them.

he’s destroyed inside.

and then on and on-the pike manipulation, the massacre, more guilt, more pain. the death wave and a weightless loseless fight that bears no meaning but he tries he tries he goddamn tries

though he doesn’t know why, surely not for himself. for O? for clarke? for the others? for his people?

what is there left for him to do.

aurora blake raised no suiciders. no losers. he can’t kill himself as much as death seems alluring.

what i find the saddest is that he has no real love in his life. yes he has clarke and yes we know they were written as romantic but it was never canon canon so he doesn’t have this great epic love story that all the other characters have-clarke with L, o with Lincoln, raven with f/nn, jasper with maya, monty with harper, lastly john with emori which i think was the best written one.

and that is the tragedy indeed. 

because he IS the character who is the MOST heart even at his *head*-est and yet he is denied love. he’s denied a great love story (again bellarke-aside here). he is DENIED his heart being loved the way it loves, he is denied the gentleness of a soft, kind, filled with extremes-ups and downs, or even challenges, love.

he’s denied it.

the heart is denied love.

i don’t count e/cho. im sorry but that just as clarke killing him was done purely out of spite. there was no real love there, no emotion, no romance. it was a time jump relationship just like his one with gina. he’s REFUSED a great love story. 

he has it with clarke. but he’s denied actually going there too. 

i find it sad because love spills out of him in waves, all of himself he gives out, all of his softness kindness, even his flaws, he lets out in the open and says this is me, i am not ashamed of myself. i may hate myself but i love. 

and there’s no one to love him back.

and then in the end of course im saddest because we’ve seen the craziest shit on earth and he’s still denied understanding from his friends. but i wont go there because it hurts too much.

so yes clarke lost a lot. she lost L and she lost madi in a way and she lost her dad and her mom. but she’s had happiness in her life, she’s had a family, she’s had great love, she’s even had the cutesy teenage drama romance with f/nn and then a good love and then yes death and pain. she is separated from her friends, she is punished unnecessarily like he is too.

but she’s known it.

and she’s known the peace from those 6 years on earth. peace he craved and strived towards in the end. she’s had that with madi. whilst he’s spent that punishing himself over leaving her behind and once again trying to keep their people together in her abscence to honor her.

i’m sure he’s had happy moments. maybe glimpses. like bob said, glimpses of peace. maybe he’s had glimpses of happiness too. when he was baby boy and his mom picked him from his crib or his dad carried him arround or when he carried O around and talked to her. or when he was hugged by clarke.

but he should’ve had more. 

he deserved more. 

#bellamy blake #the 100 #bellamy blake meta #the 100 meta #bellarke #clarke griffin #answered #sorry #Anonymous

[xsarcasticwriterx]

Childhood friends

Summary: y/n and negan have been friends forever and have done everything togother. When negans wife Lucille gets sick negan 1st tells her. This event leads to hell but also heaven.

Warnings: swearing,rated R jokes,angst

Recieving a text from negan was a daily occurence for y/n but mosf of them didnt say "get in here. Fast." Y/n walkes into negan office seeing a stressed negan sitting at his desk hyperventilating. "Hey hey breathe" she said running to his side kneeling beside him. She put her hand on his back alarming him to her presence. He turned looked at y/n. "Shes sick" is all he can say as tears fall from his eyes.

She knew negan was speaking of his wife Lucille. Negan had been speaking of this for a while saying how Lucille was getting test done and how he had to work overtime to get the money for some of them. Y/n would help when she could with extra money she had. Due to her living alone and spending most her time passing out at negans she usually ended up with a bit of money left to do as she pleased.

She stayed with negan till he calmed down. "So the test came back?" She asked. Negan nodded. "Its bad y/n" is all he said. The look in his eyes was as if he was begging y/n to do something. "I'm so sorry negan" she said hugging him. She felt negan crying into her shoulder. After a while he pulled away. "Sorry." Is all he said. "Hey...its ok..." she said.

"Want me to come back with you after?" Y/n asked negan. Y/n has known Lucille sense highschool and even introduced negan and Lucille. She really wanted to see Lucille before it got too bad but she didnt want to intrude on negans and lucilles time. Negan nodded. "Please....i cant do this alone." He said softly his voice slightly cracking. Y/n nodded.

School had ended so y/n sat sat with negan while he finished his work. They didnt say anything she knew negan was truly hurting and she didnt wanna bother him. When negan was silent she knew to not speak he was never silent always mouthing off about some bullshit. Negan closed his laptop looking up at y/n who was laid out on the couch asleep. Negan couldn't help but just think of all that had happened within the past few hours.

He looked at y/n thinking about how she was why he met Lucille in the first place and now......here he was. He walked over to y/n picking her up walking to his car. She buried her head into his shoulder. He layed he in the passenger side walking back to the drivers side. He sat down and broke into tears. He felt a hand upon his shoulder not long after. "Its ok. She'll be ok." Y/n said softly. She put her head on his shoulder.

They both knew it was a lie the results werent looking up for Lucille but they had to have hope they had to believe. At the moment negan didnt have much hope and y/n had to hope for them both. After a few negan started driving. They reached negans home in silence.

Negan just sat there staring at the house. "It'll be ok negan." Y/n said. Negan nodded. They walked to the door as negan stared at it. Y/n grabbed his hand and nodded. Negan nodded back. They opened the door to see an empty livingroom. Turning they saw a wasted Lucille in the kitchen. "Heeeeeeeeeeeey y/n" Lucille slurred. "She shouldnt be drinking riight?" Y/n said to negan. He sighed and shook his head. "No. No she shouldnt" he stared at his wife shaking his head before walking upstairs. "Well now is just us gals" Lucille said.

Y/n shook her head. "Lucille..." was all she got out. Negan didnt come down most the night and y/n spent most the night watching Lucille and trying to stop her from drinking more. She babbled on of childhood memories. Eventually y/n got fed up and stood up and started twoard the stairs. "Y/n" Lucille said soflty. Y/n turned. "When im gone......love him the way we both know you do. He'll need it." She said before crashing. Y/n knew what she meant hell anyone who wasn't negan knew what she meant.

Y/n has loved negan sense she was 4 years old. But inevitably life kicked in and negan chose everyone else but her. She walked up stares to see negan laying in bed. His eyes were closed but based on his breathing he was awake. Y/n layed next to him with her head on his chest. "She shouldnt be alone doing that" he grumbled. "She fell asleep" y/n replied. Negan sighed and not long after was he asleep. Y/n sighed. This was going to be hell. Y/n didnt know how negan was going to do it but however she could help she would. She walked down the hall flopping onto the guest bed staring at the ceiling most the night. Why did this have to be so stressful.

Y/n woke up to the smell of breakfast. Grumbling she pulled herself up and out of bed. Walking down she saw negan and Lucille close while cooking. You'd think being in love with your childhood bestfriend whos married would be difficult to restrain feelings but honestly......y/n just wanted negan happy in the end even if its not by her. But now....well Lucille has fucked that up by saying what she did. It repeated in her head all through the night and even now. How could she put that pressure on her how could she have no hope but stand there with negan like nothing happened. Though to her maybe nothing did happen.

Y/n walked to the counter and cleared her throat. They looked and smiled. "Morning y/n" negan said. "Mornin" she replied. "What yall making ?" She asked. "Pancakes and bacon" Lucille said cheerfully. "Your awfully peppy for as much as you drank" y/n said. "Heh well yknow just want to eat" she said giggling. Negan kissed he cheek before walking to the garage to work on his car while waiting.

"Lucille do you remember last night?" Y/n asked more wanting to know if she meant what she said. "I remember what i told you if thats what your asking. I meant what i said. We both know how you feel and we both know i cant fight this. I can feel myself getting weaker and even with your help we dont have the money to fight this. You love him and once im gone hes going to need that. You need to care for him and show him you love him." She said as if it was just another fact. "Your going to be ok Lucille." Y/n heard her voice crack and felt tears start to cloud her eyes. Lucille was still her only other friend outside of negan. Shed known her sense highschool and the thought of her dying.....it shattered her heart. Lucille rolled her eyes. Y/n couldnt take this she couldn't listen to her friend talk of how she was dying.

Y/n walked out to the garage with negan feeling her legs wobble and her heart break. Negan turned and smiled softly then frowned. "Whats wrong.....y/n" negan said walking to her. He grabbed her face making her look up at him. "Nothing." She said. Negan huffed and shook his head. "Fucking hell never one to talk....." he said. Grabbing her he pulled her to the front of the car. He opened the roof showing all the improvements he had done. She adored the car it had so many memories sense even before he could could drive it. She smiled admiring the shiny new improvements. "Heh thought that could get a fucking smile out of you." He said proud of himself. She nodded. "After breakfast lets go for a fucking ride what you say ?" He asked. She smiled and laughed "absofuckinglutely" she replied happily.

Breakfast was awkward well for y/n it was. She sat only with Lucilles words repeating over and over. She felt so much pressure. After negan did as he said and they went for a ride. Eventually he stopped at a park that they went to often as kids. He walked her to their "hiding spot" that now them as grown adults was not so hiden.

Surrounded by trees and plants they sat by a broken down bonfire that was used not to long ago in the week. They sat in silence for a while. "What you fucking thinking about so intensely?" Negan asked. "Your wife." She replied. Negan laughed at how it sounded. "What about her?" He asked. "Something she said to me....." she replied not knowing if she had the right to say what Lucille said.

"What the fuck she say?" Negan said clearly lost what she could've said to have taken up her thoughts so much. "Promise not to tell her i told you." She asked. "Shit y/n........sure.......what is it?" He asked. "She said when shes gone i need to love you the way i truly do." She said. Negan made a grumble and sighing sound before sitting up more. He rubbed his face. "Fucking hell" he said.

"I dont know what to do....." y/n said. "Im sorry" she appolagize. "Dont be sorry she shouldnt have said that.......fuck." he said. He rolled his eyes and turned to y/n. He hugged her close. "This is not on you. Its not on you to care for me and she shouldnt use your feelings like that." He said before releasing her. He held her face. He kissed her cheek before sighing. He walked back to the car y/n following behind.

They returned back later afternoon. Y/n went to take a shower. After she heard arguing downstairs. She knew she shouldnt have but she sat on the step hearing it. "Why would you tell her that?!" Negan yelled. "Well i wouldn't have if i known she was going to tell you like some puppy !!" Lucille said back. "She was worried!! She got nervous with all the pressure you put on her!!" Negan replied. After a while y/n couldnt stand to listen. Negan had broken a promise and the yelling was making her remember things shed rather forget.

She walked into guest room sitting on the bed. At some point.she mustve fell asleep cause she opened her eyes when her bed dipped. She saw negan laying next to her. "Hey" he said softly. "You promised" she replied. He looked ashamed. "I had to say something. She used your feelings and put too much pressure on you. She......she knows our history and she used it. I had to fix it" he said. "But you made it worse......and the yelling......." she mumbled. Negan didnt say anything after.

Negan pulled her closer. They stayed in silence till she fell alseep. Being told to be with negan wouldve been her dream at 15 but at this point with negan married and her being told if said wife dies to love him BY said wife. This hurt her but seeing how casual negan has been the whole time.....that not only hurt but scared her.

#walking dead #the walking dead imagine #negan #the walking dead negan #jeffrey dean morgan #jdm #negan x reader #x reader #negan imagine #rick grimes #norman reedus #daryl dixon #maggie rhee #rosita #glenn rhee #carl grimes

[rukanrin]

You set my world on fire---Dante x Female Reader

So I’ve been listening to this song for over one year now,Rapture Rising by JT Music, about BIOSHOCK and i was thinking,if i could do the same thing as i did with Vergil,with the lyrics and setting,could i make this blow by adding a lot more drama?(i will replace it with another song because hell it does not fit the romantic theme) well I’m here to find out! make sure you survive folks and this is when Dante was still a dipshit teenager,about 16 or 19 we will see -Ruka T/W: slight mentions of murder and cannon gore ---------------------------------------------- I lose my breath whenever I see you You stole my heart, what is it that you do? you shuddered,you mother had always hated your father,but never had you thought she would make you stay in the underwater city people claimed to be ‘paradise’, yeah, a paradise for monsters and murderers, you were a teenager now, the only thing keeping your sanity was the broken teddy bear and building blocks,you did get an education,but you hadn’t had contact with anyone,or anything for that matter for a long time My life was grey 'til you added colors Like the moon needs the sun, we don't care about the others you were sitting beside a small hole in the bottom of the hall,placed to that the water did not overflow or get in,your father had been missing for so many years,so were your sisters,but ‘mother’ would still watch your every step,oh how you wished to just jump into that hole and swim up to the outside world,the world the others say is free of greed,pain,boredom.... You set my world on fire You're my heart's desire Suddenly the water in the gap moved,which caught your attention,nothing had moved underwater for so long,so what was the water doing now,was it just that below your tunnel another cracked and let out air? then you saw it, the beings that crawled into your nightmares, its long,slender fingers bent as it pulled itself into the tunnel,then it saw you I just wanna love you, just wanna hold you Just wanna be with you 'til we grow old You subconsciously moved back,giving it even more hints that you were a living being,and you were ‘kill-able’,it screeched and reached out to you,only to get pissed off when you turned on your heels and ran,the (favorite color) bow’s ends flapping off your (black/white) dress,you ran,and ran,and ran,but it wasn’t that stupid, and surely was not as slow as you Please tell me you'll stay or take me away I want you for myself every single day you ran into a dead end,turning around to find the monstrosity in the tunnel right in front of you,you were on the verge of tears,you didn’t want to die,you couldn’t die,no,not here,not till you see the world above,you were now on your knees and covering your eyes, expecting to either be met with the sickly warm blood coming out of you, or to be turned into one of the yellow-eyed dolls,no ther weren’t dolls,but they acted like ones... You set my world on fire You set my world on fire but instead of the two,you heard a loud thud,and a metal click,you looked up,your cheeks pink from your tears,that’s when you first laid eyes on him,your savior,and also your curse...Dante...younger son of Sparda...his icy blue eyes met yours,yours were filled with shock and hope,whilst his were filled with mischief and love, “take a picture,it’ll last longer” he commented,giving you a smug grin which left you flustered,in search of words I don't know what I'd do without you You make me smile, what is it that you do? “I-im sorry,my names (Y/N),(Y/N)(L/N)...” You introduced yourself,extending your hand for him to shake, “Dante,nice to meet you beautiful~“ he held your hand with is gloved one,giving you a kiss on your knuckles,he then pulled you in and draped a hand over your shoulder,kicking the anomaly out of the way as he lead you through the tunnels,back to that sick,dark,little playroom you spent most of your life in My life was grey 'til you added colors Like the moon needs the sun, we don't care about the others “That’s your stop I’m gue-” Dante stopped talking after seeing your upset face,you didn’t want to be here,you wanted to break all the windows,break free from this underwater prison,but it would cost you your life “Hey...are you alright?“ he questioned,holding both your hands , his voice was coated in worry,you had been walking for a few days in the tunnels,meeting many more creatures,dolls, and dead ends,you got to know him personally through those few days,he was a fun guy,and you fell for him,you fell into a dark ocean,with no oxygen,you snapped out of your thoughts,not noticing the tears swelling up in your (eye color) eyes,he looked at you with a serious and worried expression,still holding both of your hands as if to say ‘I’m not letting you go till you’re ok’ You set my world on fire You're my heart's desire You came closer as he let go of your hand,embracing one another as you silently cried “I-I don’t want you to leave,I don’t w-want to be here a-anymore!” you whispered,you truly didn’t want to leave his side,he lit a flame in your candle heart,made you feel loved...you wanted to return the favor, “sweet pea,I can’t really have you going on wild hunting rides with me,but i can stay for a few da-” you couldn’t help yourself and cut him off with a kiss,you were ashamed,that you couldn’t have waited a little longer to confess... I just wanna love you, just wanna hold you Just wanna be with you 'til we grow old Please tell me you'll stay or take me away I want you for myself every single day but he didn’t push you away,instead he pulled you even closer,returning the soft show of affection,sure he had flirted a lot,and had a playboy attitude,but he didn’t really have experience,but he knew,at that moment,that the feeling that kept him from leaving you behind isn’t just his conscience.A minute later you both pulled away,you looked away,a rose red blush appearing on your face,as he gave you a daredevil grin “oh (Nick name),if you wanted a kiss you could have asked” Dante teased,to which you responded with “so do you um...li-” you felt a finger on your lips,making you stop talking You set my world on fire You set my world on fire “love you?” the son of Sparda finished your question for you,”will this answer your question?“ He chuckled before giving you a peck on the nose,you took that as a yes and nodded,but there was a problem if you two were to be together,after all,this town is full of tunnels,killers,monsters,dolls...”dont worry your pretty head about how it will play out,I’ll keep you safe“ dante promised,pulling you closer to him,and the cursed playroom seemed to finally regain its childhood warmth and light I just want you, I just need you I don't know what it is you do I just want you, I just need you I don't know what it is you do....

#dante sparda #dmc x reader #dante x reader #a song inspired this

[dahniwitchoflight]

Homesquared Chapter 16

Alrighty, that was a fun tangent, now back to John it seems?

Oh, no, Narration of John (So Actually Dirk, speak of the devil and he shall appear and all that etc etc)

“ leaving John with one final touch on the shoulder. John leans into it in response, though he’s a bit ashamed of chasing down a sliver of physical affection so soon after obliterating Karkat’s evening like he had. “

pfft lol so Im not the only one that thought it would be funny if that scene was interpreted in a Pale Romantic light, even though that really wasn’t what was happening

OIh! but we still get Roxy, just the other version of Roxy

Roxy subtly being like “hey!! shit has apparently gone down, were not exactly close atm but I feel bad about you dying to want to know if youre still alive so im gonna message you while trying to make it look like i dont care about it as much as I do”

JOHN: trying to align my memories of my youth with whatever is happening right now so

and the wonderful question is, what IS going be happening with you now John?

Roxy looking nice and casual, but also yeah narration, why are you making this ominous, its not like Roxy’s out here to double spy on behalf of Jane, I don’t think Roxys on her side THAT much

ROXY: may have to do a smidge more if my old bff decides im next on the list for bombing out

ROXY: but so far so good

ROXY: just a coupla exploded cars in the yard from some shenanigans our dear son and his friends were in but u kno it is what it is!!!

Roxy once again being a master of hiding how shes feeling, even when trying to open up, feeling pretty stressed about whats happening with Jane, understandable, the exclamation points give it away lol

The narration is really trying to make John nervous though

OH lol that was the implication haha no lol John it obviously wasn’t that

“John feels his shoulders unbunch. Of course. Yeah. He’s almost embarrassed by how relieved he feels. So what if his ex wife wanted to hook up? Shouldn’t that be a situation he could navigate? Don’t people like to find solace in human physical connection during dire times? Why did the idea of it make his mind white out in panic more than, say, any number of the traumas he just experienced? He doesn’t know, but he believes Roxy that he must look pretty haggard. He probably feels haggard? Maybe sitting down will feel better.“

lol once again, Dirk has no idea how to read Roxy at all and just trips over himself and his assumptions XD

Yeah, looks like Roxy not on the Jane train and is doing some takesies backsies, shes glossing over her feelings on the matter still though, I know thats par for the course of how Roxy tends to handle stuff too but I wish shed open up a bit more, but maybe shes playing the smart game, yknow, knowing that Dirk has a hard time reading her, so glossing over stuff is how you protect yourself against the narrative force, confusion and vaguery in the narrative and her actions only helps her to keep control over it, because at any point, you can decide to “clear up” any narrative “miscommunication” or “confusion” and lay down what is it thats actually happening with you any time you want

Void working in the behind the scenes to do what they want

JOHN: like it’s my HOUSE.

JOHN: but mostly it always felt like my dad’s house?

JOHN: and when i started living there after i moved out of here, it was like i crammed myself back into whatever was left of my kid self?

JOHN: and it didn’t feel good, but it at least was familiar, you know?

JOHN: like living there let me feel closer to my dad, trying to be like the way i remember him, or like how i remember him wanting me to be, or something?

JOHN: and i didn’t realize how much i hated doing that until i saw it all go up in flames.

JOHN: so i guess i could have used my powers to stop the fire and save whatever was left of the place, but i couldn’t bring myself to do it.

JOHN: like some fucked up part of me was glad i got there too late?

JOHN: so i just sat there, watching, trying to figure out why watching my house burn down felt like i was being released from prison.

JOHN: and even now i keep trying to explain it away, as though it’s because of how fucked up everything else is that it made me feel good.

JOHN: but that’s just bullshit.

JOHN: it DID feel good.

JOHN: i DO feel free.

JOHN: sorry.

ROXY: no need 2 apologize

ROXY: we just delved in2 my whole gender thing last time so it seems fine for u to have a turn

JOHN: i didn’t say it was a gender thing.

Im pretty sure you’re talking about a gender thing John, like, very 100% sure now this is what’s happening

because if you were actually a girl, of course you’re dad leaving all these notes about how one day hes gonna be so proud of the man youll become, yeah, that can feel a little pressuring, even if your dad didnt mean it like that, since he was unfailingly the kind of dad just bumbling around trying to understand their kid as best they could and leave encouragements everywhere, thats what his intent was, but all his notes come off a bit wrong in particular issues

remember the note under the fridge that was all like “SON. IF YOURE READING THIS NOTE, YOUVE FINALLY BECOME STRONG ENOUGH OF A MAN TO PICK UP THE FRIDGE.” not exactly that but that was always the vibe Dad’s little notes always had

Yeah, i can see how John would view it as a bit off, but if he hadnt the self awareness to realize it was a gender thing at the time, hed be understandly confused as to why such a thing would bother him

now though, he’s realizing, maybe, he doesn’t exactly want to be the man his dad always encouraged him to be

John does seem a lot happier here in his convo with Roxy than he did on his own when the house was burning, that conversation with karkat left me wondering if John was about to start dissociating he was so down, but here he says he feels freeing and happy about it?

ROXY: but like now that u mention it

ROXY: *meaningful pause*

JOHN: …

JOHN: i

JOHN:

John’s beginning to question stuff, or acknowledge that he’s questioning stuff, cuz it’s true, and hes feeling happy about it, in a way that he wasnt before, but he hasnt quite connected the dots here between the happy feeling and what exactly he has to be happy about

ROXY: aight then no wind bending just use your mangrit

Roxy flexes, the corner of her mouth pulled up into a familiar grin. John feels his guts, so recently calmed, twist up into knots again. Her eyebrows shoot up and the smile loosens. He must have shown something on his face.

ROXY: ok or just like push when i push

ROXY: we both got sick muscles

ROXY: no other adjectives necessary

JOHN: yeah ok.

Yeah Roxy’s 100% picked up on it, and maybe Dirk has as well if the narration is commenting on it

Alrighty then, to the secret lair under the bed!

oh I just noticed how kind of cute and interesting Roxy’s nickname for Harry is, “Lil H A” Harry Anderson shortens to Ha like laughter haha

and if Harry had Roxy’s last name, it’d be Harry Anderson Lalonde

Lil HAL

lol what is Callie doing under Roxy’s secret bedchamber XD

This whole secret bedchamber thing is turning into one big metaphor isn’t it?

That thing behind the curtain kind of looks like the Attic Portal shape from Hiveswap though

that’d be neat if that was it, like obviously we knew one of the cherubs had to have something to do with that portal just going by the design of it alone

Honestly it makes sense that Callie is doing it under the curtain of Roxy’s Void, it’s honestly the safest place to do something like that

lol Calliope has grown past writing fanfic about shipping and being in love, now the drama of broken relationships and divorce is all the rage XD character growth? haha

CALLIOPE: besides, hUman divorces are even more fascinating than i had ever imagined, and being able to witness yoUrs in motion was an honoUr.

CALLIOPE: so i consider Us aboUt even at this point.

Calliope just burned him harder than his childhood home’s destruction

CALLIOPE: ah right, right. yoU're probably a little cUrioUs as to where the dickens we are.

have you been talking to Jake lol (I mean, probably Original Grandpa Jake tbh if that portal is actually the portal)

Alright so John is getting caught up on the major plot points, Earth C is indeed in the large black hole, his choice didn’t matter since both choices happened anyway yadda yadda

CALLIOPE: think of it like a coin flip.

CALLIOPE: the series of events that led to Us being trapped beyond the event horizon of an Ubermassive black hole could be considered "tails", while the events which would have occUrred otherwise could be considered "heads".

CALLIOPE: since both were possible, and paradox space is the way it is, they actUally both happened. and we jUst "happened" (hee hee) to get tails instead of heads.

yup yup yup pretty par for the course of timesplits in homestuck so far

CALLIOPE: not at all! since both possibilities depend on one another's existence, it really doesn't make sense to call them "right" or "wrong". they both just "are".

yup, this is true, the ending’s of both referenced the others, so it’s disingenuous to say one is “canon” while the other isn’t

one is simply in the realm of actual possibility, the other is in the realm of unlikely possibility

More than likely, John would have chosen to leave and go die and be the hero like in Meat, but there was still the possibility that he would stay, even if it was unlikelier than the other, but since both were possible choices for him to realistically make, both actually happened for real

CALLIOPE: anyway, the reason i went on this tangent in the first place was to explain that the space we are standing in right now has a special significance, in that it is the location which corresponds to the black hole's singUlarity

that’s interesting, so there’s the original meteor that crashed into the surface of Earth C, and it’s in here that the singularity of what I don’t wanna call the Green Hole to match the Green Sun when I wanna talk about this specific Black Hole lolol

but yeah, here in this meteor lies the crux of the paradox it seems, interesting, also interesting again, this is where that Hiveswap Portal is

Hiveswap does have a plot point of “Joey must do thing in 11 days otherwise Earth and Alternia will be destroyed” and the only known destruction event of Earth and Alternia so far in canon is the Green Sun’s Creation from the destruction of both universes (and then later Callie’s destruction of the green sun into the black hole) so is Hiveswap gonna be a factor in the green sun’s destruction/creation as well? (Joey has the symbol of the Green Sun for a reason, I’m super curious as to what factor Joey has in relation to the Green Sun’s Existence, We still don’t know what the fact those black monsters are too, they’re like nega-first guardians, the kind of things that look like would come out of a Black Hole that came from the Green Sun tbh)

It’s all inter-related I tells ya

ROXY: ur not gonna enter a weird time vortex and change the trajectory of a little girls life with the power of love

JOHN: aw.

You say that now but

CALLIOPE: it's not strictly speaking "bad" for Us to be inside of a black hole, mUch thoUgh that contradicts most of what anyone knows about them.

CALLIOPE: of coUrse, if we had fallen into it, that woUld be a whole other kettle of fish.

CALLIOPE: the tidal forces woUld have stretched Us all into spaghetti and then ripped us apart!

CALLIOPE: bUt the natUre of oUr arrival was more akin to simply "being" here, sUddenly. one moment we were not, and the next moment we were, and somehow always had been.

yeah that’s basically how this multiverse’s reality works, the future is a thing that already physically exists, just in a different location in the universe somewhere else

time travel and spacial teleportation could be said to be the same thing all along

that’s why violating the events of the future has actual consequences, because its like asking to go somewhere that doesn’t exist but how has to exist because it’s the future, too much of that and reality starts cracking at the seams to make room

same thing happens with sessions and playing sburb

the planets and dreaming moons and all that simultaneously have always existed here, and started existing only because the player played the game and the planets were generated upon entering a session, but to the player involved, it looks and feels like you are just being teleported to a different location in the universe, because you also kind of are

CALLIOPE: i mean, the natUre of space and time is a little finicky in here, bUt for the most part it doesn't seem to be anything too oUt of the ordinary.

CALLIOPE: bUt beyond that, it means that we are sealed away from the rest of existence.

CALLIOPE: oUr sphere of inflUence is limited to the sphere of the black hole's bounding horizon.

CALLIOPE: as far as everyone else is concerned, we might as well not even exist!

So you’re just in a little seperated bubble, that’s not connect temporally to any other place of existence, you aren’t anywhere in the past or the future of anywhere else

nowhere leads here, and here can not lead outwards either, theoretically, and yes it exists, so it must also

JOHN: is there no way we could let anyone know that we're in here...?

CALLIOPE: almost certainly not!

CALLIOPE: there are very few ways for anything to escape the kind of predicament that we are in right now. one of them is to be an all-powerfUl being with control over the very fabric of space, with the energy of two Universes at yoUr disposal.

CALLIOPE: in which case, escape woUld become rather trivial, if a little Unscientific.

JOHN: ok. i am going to assume that we can't just do that.

CALLIOPE: yoU've hit the nail on the head, UnfortUnately. U_U

CALLIOPE: the method i described was the one employed by my alternate self, who yoU may recall crashed through the event horizon in the body that once belonged to jade harley.

CALLIOPE: she departed through a pUnctUre she created in the black hole's surface shortly after consUming my brother, a deed which provided her with the necessary "oomph", and which was frankly rather breathtaking to watch. =u=

CALLIOPE: bUt Upon her departUre, the rift closed for good. as far as i can see, there's simply no way for Us to commUnicate with the world oUtside the black hole.

CALLIOPE: i woUld certainly be very sUrprised to find oUt that anyone had managed sUch a thing!

So someone else definitely has managed to do such a thing

JOHN: knowing that we're inside of a black hole... does that actually change anything?

JOHN: like, can't we just go on living like normal?

CALLIOPE: oh absolUtely not.

CALLIOPE: i don't know if yoU've noticed john bUt this world is on the brink of a total cataclysm.

JOHN: oh.

CALLIOPE: oUr exclUsion from the overarching coUrse of events which governs all reality means that oUr existence here is liable to dramatic and violent Upheaval.

CALLIOPE: to pUt it another way, becaUse nothing in here "matters", we are likely to be sUbjected to things which are a bit bats in the belfry, for no reason other than it's totally insignificant to the wider canon of reality.

CALLIOPE: and mUch thoUgh i am personally titillated by some of the conseqUences of this predicament, it is a degrading way for Us to live. u_u

JOHN: that's... certainly one way to put it, yeah...

yeah, so because here in the black hole neither affects the past or the future of anywhere else, being so disconnected, they are technically free of the reigns of the Alpha Timeline that exists elsewhere in the multiverse

the Alpha Timeline now being understood to simply mean, The Narrative

Things are the way they are because they are thus written to be so

CALLIOPE: at first, i believed that this was simply necessary. Us playing tails to oUr coUnterparts' heads, the black to their white, and so forth.

CALLIOPE: bUt over the years i have come to the conclUsion that this is simply not kosher.

ROXY: its total bs is what it is

CALLIOPE: right, yes.

CALLIOPE: a steaming pile of bUllshite.

CALLIOPE: and so we have decided that something needs to be done aboUt it.

Hmmm. It’s a dangerous idea to be playing with for sure, to decide all the black pieces in the game of chess suddenly become white, it is a very flip turning of reality upside down to be sure

To be honest, I’d think you’d need a powerful Doom player at your disposal to even try something like this

or actually, a powerful Doom user would be most likely to shut this entire thing down, knowing how bad of an idea it’d be, maybe it’s more you need a powerful Life player to do something like this instead

is that also why Dirk viewed Jane as an ally then? She would technically have the kind of power to upend the black and white doomy laws of reality if driven to her full potential, i mean obviously yes, we know this already because of the candy colored I-can-do-whatever-I-want-with-no-consequences lollipop

Is this what Calliope hopes to achieve with the Hiveswap Portal then? her goals for Joey and friends are to be the ones to prevent their universe’s twin destructions, and thus the Green Sun’s initial existence and then also the destruction into the Black Hole after the fact? that would be one way to prevent the Black Hole from existing, making it so the thing that creates the black hole never exists either

and that's certainly a canon event that would be difficult to tear asunder without major consequences

That would be a “Re-writing Homestuck from the very beginning” level of canon event

And if I’m correct, Joey is theorized by me to be a Mage of Life, if any classpect at their full potential was gonna do something like that, or have the impossible knowledge to something impossibly paradoxical like that, well..

ROXY: but u dont need to worry abt busting us outta space jail tbh

ROXY: thats not ur problem to fix

JOHN: oh.

JOHN: i'm... not sure i follow, then.

ROXY: i mean yeah ur gonna obvs facilitate it in a sense

ROXY: but only by going and busting the person who can actually help us outta normal earth jail

CALLIOPE: we need yoU to free vriska from the clUtches of oUr misgUided friend jane, and bring her here, to the singUlarity.

ROXY: weve been calling it the plot point

CALLIOPE: yes, the plot point is a key part of oUr plan.

CALLIOPE: as far as we have been able to sUrmise, the only remaining method for escaping oUr grim confinement depends on leveraging the UniqUe properties of this location to create an event of sUch catalcysmic proportions that it simply cannot be contained within the black hole any more.

CALLIOPE: something SO dramatic, so hyper-relevant, that it becomes ontologically impossible for anyone to ignore it.

CALLIOPE: for that, we need an individUal of sUfficient narrative cloUt, so to speak.

CALLIOPE: and to liberate her, who better than the embodiment of the aspect of freedom itself?

I mean yeah! makes sense! Johns major factor here is Freedom, Vriska’s is Importance

and yeah, I can think of no other wholly dramatic event that to mess with stuff with the Green Sun, everyone will have eyes on that, they have to, their whole existence the way it is relies on it

But, they could also mean something else, its only condition is that it has to be something so imflappably impossible, something so not-canon and so outrageous that it basically horse-shoes around to the other end of the canon spectrum to being something that truly exists again

and that could be literally anything and it’s nerve wracking and exciting to see what thing theyre gonna come up with to just directly kneecap Homestuck itself

ROXY: thx babe

ROXY: oh is it 2 soon for that joke or

JOHN: no, weirdly enough, that one’s fine.

(yeah that’s because Babe can be construed as feminine June)

so, I’m basically convinced they’re doing June Egbert now

that to me was like, pretty severely on the nose

John: Hey Roxy, what it does mean when you find a sense of freedom when all of the symbolism of the masculinity surrounding your childhood burns down around you

Roxy: idk It’s probably a gender thing man

John: I didn’t say the word gender-

Roxy: It’s ok babe no pressure, we can hash it out later

John: Hmm, later then. :)

Roxy: (Turns and looks towards the camera with a knowing smile)

shit all that imagery makes me think of Roxy as that picture of the small kid smirking at the camera while a house burns in the distance XD

#Homesquared #june egbert #john egbert #yeah theres no way there not gonna bring up June Egbert as a apossibility now #Roxy couldn't have quirked her eyebrows harder at the fourth wall if they had tried #Homestuck #I'm basically convinced now lol #that plus my reaction to chapter 14

[normiewrites]

happy birthday katsuki! despite it being such a joyous occasion, i wrote something pretty down in the dumps. i dont wanna explain the plot and hope you all understand it, or not, doesnt matter as long as it made u feel something cause i felt nothing writing this. i tried making it more realistic than fiction and im pretty proud of it.

prompt was taken from @daily-prompts

thanks for beta reading @savnofilter @kingtamakimurder !

other tags: @mci-writing @lady-bakuhoe @mutantjournalist @assortedanime

warning(s): its kinda depressing, angst, smut, fwb, drugs (not too much)

‘when is it ok to steal something?’ - bakugo katsuki x (fem)reader

you didn’t know when you started noticing it all. but you did, whether you liked it or not. the way that the newspaper cut outs would hang lazily off his dull yellow walls, the gravity forcing them to bend over like worshipers. or the way that the green big grenades on his desk were more roughed up than you were with the drugs in your system. or the way that his left calloused hand was always so tightly held onto your waist, leaving bruises for the next day as memories, while his right robotic one barely ghosted your skin, as if he was trying not to accept the truth. 

but the biggest thing you noticed was how empty everything was inside of him. you believed that you didn’t have any choice but to notice these things, because you were constantly only being fucked doggy style, never to face him and only the blank sheets beneath you. or maybe because it was to distract you from the cold droplets of water that would rain onto your back in small amounts. he always cried and maybe that’s why he never wanted you to face him, to never see how his tears pulled out his broken soul for you to see.

it was always like this, and each time, you would never get closer. you’d meet him in the parking lot near your apartment. it was a big and lonely parking lot, the streetlamps barely working as they flicked on and off, like the universe was sending you a morse code. he would always be ten minutes late no matter what time you would reach. maybe it was because he wanted to guarantee your existence, to know that you’ll be there waiting for him, like he was scared that if he showed his eagerness, it would make you run away.

was he even eager to ever meet you? you wouldn’t really care, not because he was a good fuck and gave good prices for your drugs, but because you couldn’t. he was always a mirage, there for you to see but not touch and despite how hard he would rut his hips against your ass, he could never be close enough to capture.

there was never any time for ‘talking’. he always got straight to the point once he picked you up. smoking a few blunts in his living room before taking off both of your clothes and proceeding to his bedroom. neither of you would ever mutter a word yet you both knew what each other wanted. it was a ritual now. you always picked the easiest clothes to take off, not even bothering to wear a bra, and he liked it that way. most boys would, they’d find it hot and alluring, always aroused with how you planned to get down. but bakugo liked it because it meant he would spend less time close to you. it would mean he would have to use his prosthetic arm less.

you felt like you knew nothing about him. or maybe you knew too much to be true. the news paper cut outs would be all about the pro-heroes’ stories. deku, uravity, red riot, grand and many more. but most of them were about all-might. at first, you would’ve thought that he was just a fan boy and loved to keep track on the hero society. but the more times you came over and looked at them, the more you realised that they were pinned up so wrong. they were hung with sorrow and regret, pins in the wrong positions like he was playing darts while drunk. why did he do that? why did he pin them up with more pain than joy? was he actually drunk or was his past controlling his future?

it was amusing to you, the way he would make you feel so good and satisfied yet so lost and yearning. you weren’t even yearning something for yourself, rather for him. no matter how hard or how longed you yearned, you could never understand what it was for, and neither did he. of course, you never asked him about it, because the first few times you did, either you were told to leave or he would just straight up ignore you.

however, this night was different. you were going to hold your ground against him and find out the truth, because while it felt so good to be filled by his warm actions, it was all so empty and felt like there was no purpose as time went on. maybe this new found confidence was due to having the pro-hero deku walk by you on the street during patrol, or maybe because you wanted to desperately know what was on the photo frame that he always put down before giving into your urges.

“katsuki!” you moaned softly, moaning as he pressed a searing hot kiss against your neck, smoke gliding out of his mouth and tickling your chin as his hands massaged your ass.

you had gotten to the use of the cold metal of his prosthetic hand against your skin, in fact you found it slightly pleasing of the contrast in temperatures of both of his hands. maybe that’s why he kept you around; you were the only one who accepted him like that without questioning it. you couldn’t care to question it, you were a quirkless girl in a quirk filled world, nothing was shocking anymore. besides, you found it kind of cool. if only you knew how cursing it was.

the night was hot and urgent, the both of you were tearing each other’s clothes as you sat atop his lap on the sofa in the living room. the cheap material of the sofa dug into your knees as you grinded against his hard and restrained boner, moaning against his cheek, not caring for the sweat that accumulated on his forehead. you both had never kissed. it was one of the two rules that he had put from his side. no kissing, and no facing him. you had respected them as he respected yours, but the time you both spent together wanted you to be a rebel and break down those walls.

you giggled softly, the feeling of your high running through your body like silk on freshly shaven skin overriding your usual thoughts and stresses as you heard the familiar tear of your panties, a rough mark being left behind on your skin.

“you’re giving me the next 10 grams free, that was expensive, katsuki” you whispered, tugging on his hair as he growled softly at your name, leaving rough kisses against your collarbone and breasts.

katsuki liked having you around. you didn’t talk too much, didn’t question the mess of his room and silently adored his prosthetic arm, no matter how much he hated it. you were simple and not demanding yet you could pull out so many explicit moans from him. but the most important part is that you didn’t push about the tears that always seemed to find their way onto your bare back. you were comforting, almost too comforting that at times it alarmed the scared animal in his heart.

after sharing a few more rounds of blunts and hickeys, you felt the familiar nudge of his arms, his signal to tell you to go on all fours, never to face him for the rest of the night. but something inside of you stirred up, almost like you were being controlled from an outside force. you found your hands pinning his against the backrest of the sofa, a confused look shooting through his red eyes, his blonde eyebrows furrowing underneath his matching hair.

he moved to speak up but you cut him off, “please, just for tonight. i promise, i won’t judge, just please.”

you didn’t realise you were closing your eyes tight until you saw the sudden intrusion of red and blonde in your vision once his gruff answer snapped them open.

“why?”

least to say, bakugo was nervous. he had never felt this nervous since his surgery day. he couldn’t even believe you made him nervous, it was so stupid to him. his younger self wouldn’t be as nauseous as he is now, but then again, lots had changed and he wasn’t like him anymore.

“your face is just so pretty, i wonder how much prettier it gets with tears falling down” you muttered, holding his face in your palms as your thumbs brushed his cheekbones.

you were so close to him, much to close for his liking. well at first, it was too close, but he soon recognized the spike in his heart was the fact that he was exhilarated by your statement. he knew that you knew he cried, and he felt too ashamed to show you. but there was no hiding now, there was no point.

despite the soft blush that adorned his cheeks and the furrowing of his brows, he kept his face the same. it was like he had the inability to change his face, like he was wearing those clay face masks that would restrict movement. it was the expression of when you get laid-off from a job that you worked so hard for and was praised by your bosses for.

you nearly thought that you ruined the night as he backed his face out of your hands, his eyes looking elsewhere. now it was your turn to be nervous. the air was so still, unlike his red eyes as they tried to look for something to lock onto, to anchor him and help him make his decision.

“fine” was all you heard before you felt him lift you up slightly, aiding him and standing on your knees as he shifted his sweatpants and boxers down, his eyes still not on yours.

you couldn’t comprehend what happened, not only because of how surprising his reaction was, but because of how less time he gave you before slipping his cock into your wet hole. the action was so simple yet so satisfying, just like you.

“katsuki!” you moaned loudly, your fingers going over the small scars that littered around his undercut till they reached his blonde top, pulling on them.

it was hot and desperate, the way that he would quickly get to work on your nipples as he would thrust up into you and how you would roll against his hips, tugging on his hair and nipping on his ears. you fully understood how much you had been missing out on, how close it finally felt. the way that his arms would snake up against your back, pulling your chest closer to his face, even managing to angle his cock deeper. there was just one bridge left to cross and it was the man himself below you.

he was thankful for how loud your moans were to cover up his sniffles, and it was an odd feeling as his cold tears raced down your chest to your belly rather than on your back. and like before, you weren’t going to ignore this.

and like before, it didn’t feel like they were your actions as you had tugged his face up, connecting his lips to yours before he could say anything to stray you away. his lips were chapped and motionless against yours and you tasted the saltiness of his tears that had reached the cavern. it was so hot yet empty, just like him.

“what the fuck, y/n?” he asked, the nature of the words contrasting from how soft his voice was and how tired his eyes looked.

neither of you noticed how both of you stopped, the lust gone just like the rules that you had broken. if you could describe his face in terms of a colour, it would be grey. it was so sullen, tear marked and conflicting, just like thunderstorms.

“who are you, bakugo katsuki?” you asked, hands gracing his bare collarbones as you searched his face for answers. but it wasn’t like you were going to find any, because there weren’t any. hopefully one day though, you could make some for him, or at least he hoped that.

he completely ignored your question, sighing softly as he rested his forehead on your chest, not bothering to clear up his eyes.

“tell me, y/n, when is it okay to steal something?”

when was it okay to steal something? maybe it was okay when people got what they wanted through injustice manners. or maybe if it was something needed for an emergency, of course not that the cost of others. but then again what was stealing? poets would call it love, judges would call it a crime, thieves would call it a life.

you had so many answers that you didn’t want to say any, because what if the other was a better choice? so you stayed quiet, letting him fill the silence this time.

“tell me, y/n, when was it okay to steal my parents? when was it okay to steal my arm? when was it okay to steal my fucking life?”

the pain that rippled through your body was enough to ignore the snot and the buckets of tears that fell down your chest. in fact, it was too much, making your own eyes water, your hands instinctively rubbing his warm and firm back. who was he? the answer was too broad. too complicated. too scarring. it was all about him and nothing about him.

you didn’t mind the way that he gripped your arms, because the bruises would be nothing compared to what he went through. so, you pulled him close to you, letting him shake against you and cry against your neck.

bakugo didn’t know why he was opening up to someone like you. you both were just supposed to be fuck buddies, nothing else, and yet you had broken him down, and he fell voluntarily. maybe it was because of your quirklessness, or how observant and patient you were with him. but like many other unknown answers that night, it couldn’t matter to him, because you understood or at least wanted to. he needed you.

he needed a reason to live again.

#bakugo katsuki #bakugo katsuki x reader #katsuki bakugo #katsuki bakugo x reader #bakugo #bakugo x reader #katsuki #katsuki x reader #bakugo fanfic #bakugo katsuki fanfic #bnha #bnha x reader #bnha fanfic #boku no hero academia #boku no hero academia fanfic #mha #mha x reader #mha fanfic #my hero academia #my hero academia fanfic #lord explosion murder #class 1a #class 1a x reader #if u dont get it #katsuki lost his arm in an incident when he tried to save his parents #and he couldn't use his quirk as well anymore #and sort of gave up cause of the tolls of his losses and became a regretful drug dealer later

[urmomification]

SWAG ANOTHER DREAM SMP AU FIC IDEA THAT ILL NEVER WRITE POG

this is a very long post please im so sorry my brain it just

(tw for like slight possession n shit)

(sorry its all jumbled i write all of these in discord to my friend and copy paste them here please if u have questions ask me im always willing to talk abt this shit please it haunts me)

(context: i saw a tiktok abt the hc that both dream and techno are gods of some sort bc theyre mentioned in the tales of the smp by karl a time traveller and my brain just ran w it)

going back to the techno and dream are gods thing right so dream is a vessel for the god dream xd (??? work in progress youll know what im talking about at some point its really funny tho uve def seen clips of it) and he was possessed?? by the god after the server started (when he started going from super friendly with everyone to control/power hungry) when he started sacrificing everything for power so no one could have power over him? that was the god making him do it bc the god was terrified of not being in control since theyd lost it all to techno in their past. thats why we never see dream and techno fight and why we see dream extend help and support to him at times as well as respecting his boundaries and such bc theyre scared of techno (again w the best of 10 duel reference, techno killed the god in a past life which is why the god has been forced to use a human vessel to get anything done on the mortal plane) but when something that powerful spends pretty much any amount of time in something mortal and mundane like a person, the host body starts to change (hence the mask) i like to think that the god would be akin to that of a biblically correct angel?? like the ones w multiple eyes n shit yk so after time things start to happen to normal dreams body he gets extra sets of eyes and he gets taller and overall his body seems just Too Small for whatevers inside of him and thats why he (hc) started wearing the mask in the first place he knew something was wrong w him but he didnt want anyone to know even tho they would most likely help him he was ashamed that he was different in the first place so he started wearing the mask once the other eyes showed up. and i think that the god would talk to dream similarly to how technos voices work yk? except its just the one voice instead of many many small ones. and again with the mask thing when he lost to tommy and they took him in, part of his mask broke to the point where u could see just a bit of the right side of his face but enough to see that it Wasnt Right there were two eyes where there shouldve been one and spots on his cheeks bright enough to resemble stars and where the color of his pupil should have been is just a sickeningly neon green with nothing else behind it. so they let him keep the mask even tho they already know something is wrong but it clearly makes him Very Distressed when asked to remove the mask or told to give it up. blah blah blah god harassing its host bc it got them caught and thrown in a prison and dream goes ever so slightly insane having to share a mind and body with a literal ancient god w a vendetta against everything hes built whos forced him to sacrifice everything he loved and cared for out of fear yk the usual prison shit and then techno comes a long and breaks him out or whatever but on their way back to his house he drops a really cryptic line abt how 'its nice to see an old friend again' and 'i thought i got rid of u for good last time' and dream is just ???? what are u talking about?? weve never been friends and youve never gotten rid of me? what. until techno spins around and just 'im not talking to you im talking to the thing inside u' or whatever and dreams eyes flash some brilliant gold or sumn and boom this is ur fellow god speaking how may i help you and dream xd (that feels so wrong to say but) and techno bond or well ig just talk abt how the past centuries have gone and ig while xd is fronting (??? i think itd kinda be like DID in a sense w multiple people being able to front yk?) dream is in a sort of semi conscious state but still hears everything going on around his own body until hes thrown back into the drivers seat (i think that xd would only be able to front for short periods of time due to the vessel n shit that makes sense right) and hes so confused someone please help him hes just a dude who happened to get possessed by a god someone help him so when they finally get back to technos house he sits dream down and explains the best he can without literally melting dreams brain. which would also play into the 'technoblade never dies' bc hes. literally a god. mortals cant kill him unless they have idk some sort of super weapon idk and blah blah blah xd gets what they want and finally has the ability to leave finally leaving dream literally the shell of a man with no home friends materials or anything with techno to basically take care of him until he reaches some semblance of stability again (which would take ages, realistically (wdym realistically) going from normal, to a god sharing a body with you and speaking in you brain living as a single being together and hearing their thoughts, to back to normal but with all the memories of what you did and what they made you do and also no more god speaking in ur head it would take a hot sec to recover from) so he lives with techno (whos, not to mention, another god) for a while until he can fend for himself again and after a good year or so passes and no one hears from dream they start to look for him and see what happened bc he went from the biggest threat on the server to just. gone. no one knows where he went after whatever he did and they want closure. is he dead?? who knows. so george and sap set out looking for him and decide to ask techno for help since hes good w directions n shit also he was the last person to see dream alive so he might have an idea of where he is and they walk up to his house and knock on his door and techno opens it and just stares at them he knows who they are, dreams talked about them before but hes never met them really so he talks to them, getting through the polite hellos how are yous before sap finally asks 'do you know what happened to dream? no one knows where he went and we just want closure' techno huffs and tells them to wait there he (this is the basement door im using his arctic tundra house in my head) goes down the ladder to the second basement, they can hear him talking to multiple people (ranboo phil dream) but cant tell who everyone is before coming back up the ladder, back to the door. he tells them to wait outside he needs to get something first (its dream hes getting dream) theyre standing out by carls stable when the door creaks open and dream steps out looking around for who the fuck could possibly be looking for them he betrayed everyone and most people thought he was dead who could possibly be here asking for himself and not ranboo or philza and when he steps out, his green hoodie (memento made by ranboo to help him cope w the loss of the voice in his head) catching the morning light off the snow and he was happy and then he saw them standing by the house hed grown to call home at least for now he breaks. he missed them so so much it hurt. he never expected to see them ever again much less them come looking to see him but hes scared he realizes he doesnt know what to say there is nothing to say he fucked them all over he ruined everything and then hes being hugged. they missed him too. they dont forgive him jsut yet but they missed him and thats enough for him right now. the three of them stand there just being in each others presences and techno creaks the door open to make sure they arent trying to kill each other and sighs and leans against the frame smiling. hes happy again and thats the best he can do for him. he invites them all in and offers to explain everything to them to try and ease the blame off of dream bc in all honesty it was his fault but xd made it far far worse that it should have been (a bit late but foot note abt xd i think that they would be an idle god until someone w intense feelings of powerlessness and insecurity like awoke them from their techno induced slumber and inhabited dream to help him fulfill his desires for power and control) and by the time he and dream are finished its late at night and sap and george are ??? so u were possessed by a god who techno killed centuries ago in a duel and it amplified ur feelings of insecurity and ur thirst for control to the point of isolating urself from us and destroying everything everyone cared abt?? also technos an ancient god who lusts for bloodshed but also makes turtle farms in his free time?? are we getting this right????? and techno and dream are just yea thats abt it glad this all made sense then they all go to bed (its a small house dream has a lil shack like ranboos and sap and george somehow slept over there for the night) and in the morning sap and george leave again but promise to come back, they still arent ready to forgive and forget bc even tho it wasnt all his fault his emotions getting away from him is what caused this all in the first place so they do need time to process now that they know he isnt dead and dream continues to live near techno in almost full independence and eventually moves back with his friends even tho many still hate him. hes happy and for now thats enough. another foot note; even after xd leaves his being, he still has the extra eyes, glowy freckles n is xtra tall n shit that cant just be reversed but now that hes himself again these things take their tolls on human bodies so i think hed have something at least similar to arthritis bc of how his bones were literally manipulated bc of how strong ethereal magic or whatever is. so he would still wear the broken mask but he takes it off now and is ok with it being off hes working on getting better now that hes himself again and everyone living w/by techno is helping him with that. also i think that he would get blinks of xd's memories like from when techno was killing them and have sumn like ptsd panic attacks from it and techno feels super guilty abt it but theres literally nothing he can do except apologize and after the first few times dream stopped him from apologizing bc it is his fault but he didnt do it to him so it doesnt matter to dream at least and they live in pretty much harmony until dream finally moves back in w george and sap the end. he also started wearing the mask in the first place bc of the extra eyes but he played it off as being uncomfortable around new people and not wanting them to know what he looked like until he trusted them (bc that literally makes sense irl how funky is that) so sap and george never pushed him and when they caught him without it on on the rare occasion they wouldnt pressure him to leave it off or anything even tho they already knew what he looked like (when they respect ur boundaries </3) they just assumed that it was insecurity (it was but also mans had like 3 eyes so) and just left him alone

#dream smp #long post under cut #dream mcyt #technoblade #dream xd #i love dream xd their concept is literally so fucking funny to me #this idea hit me like a train at 11pm and i wrote from 12:04am to 1:02am scribbling this down in dms on discord to my friend whos asleep #fic au idea #i should start a whole tag of that wanna bet how many posts would be there #edit: there are #2064 words and #10582 characters under the cut #what the fuck #is we fuckin doin

[delicate-daisyyy]

TRIGGER WARNING -SEXUAL ASSAULT. ED. SH

Im overweight and i hate it.

I hate myself. Everything about myself. I blame my medication for my weight, well, at least thats what i tell people.

I never just gained all this weight in one night in one month, sure ive packed it on but its never that easy.

Im fat bc i choose to be.

Bc i fear to be skinny again no matter how much i wanna be.

No matter how much i crave it. No matter how much i hate what i see when i look down or in the mirror, or when my skin shows my jiggly bits.

Im scared to become skinny again so i eat.

I disgust myself so i eat.

When i was skinny i was sick. I were weak. I were broken.

I liked the way my body looked when i looked in the mirror, i hated what i was doing to do it but i couldnt survive without it.

My body was the only thing i had control over, and i was destroying it.

I liked my size being skinny. The way clothing hugged me nicely, i never felt ashamed nor foolish in anything i wore. I liked the way my body looked and the way i looked, even though i was selfharming underneath.

I had control over my body while selfharm and destruction had control over me.

When i was sexually assaulted i lost all control of my body. It was no longer mine anymore.

Their hands grabbing upon my body like i wasnt even there. Their eyes casing it up and down. Their breath on the neck of my body and their fingertips doing as they pleased.

I was stunned, drunk and irrelevant.

People starring at my body in disgrace and disgust. At MY body.

I wasnt even there.

Violated by their eyes after their body had violated me.

I was nothing. My body wasnt even mine anymore.

No matter how much i try shower off their touch

im stained.

However more i cry tears of painful sorrow, it never deafens the music or their moans of that night.

Whichever clothes i decide to wear never covers the body they chose to strip bare.

Every scent of deoderant and perfume will never hide the scent of shame they shoved upon me.

I liked my body bc it was mine and i controlled every inch, I never intended they would too.

Everyday, every hour, every second since i have never been unable to not think upon that night.

I was irrelevant. I was weak. I was broken.

I thought every second of what i could have done to stop them. What i could have done different. What i should have said. What i should have drank. Who i should have drank with. Where i should have been. What i should of worn. Who i should have trusted.

I try never to be weak agin. I try never to be naive. Never to selfharm. Be broken, or to trust.

I started to destroy the way my body looked. The same way they destroyed me.

I figured if i liked the way i looked then they would too.

They claimed my body from me , and i didnt want it back.

I never wanted to be looked at. To be touched. Held. I didnt want my body near anyone else, to be made irrelevant and helpless ever again.

I didnt trust anyone. I didnt trust myself. I didnt trust that my body was ever mine. I didnt want it. I didnt want another person near it. I started to give up on everything, it wasnt me anymore. I was distant. I would cry and never stop. I would shake uncontrolably as if my body were having a fit while im fully aware its happening. I would tremble at the thought of stepping outside my room. I would cry or yell when i had to speak to someone bc i couldnt talk, i couldnt move , this was not my body anymore.

Through iscolations and breakdowns and suicide attempts i would fight and argue with my parents and friends, it was never over much, i just didnt wanna talk. I didnt wanna tell them. I didnt wanna be.

The moment that i did i shook so intensely i thought i was going to die.

I cried so dramatically til i couldnt see, nor feel.

This wasnt my body anymore.

I grew more and more weaker, and more and more frustrated and fed up. I wasnt eating. I wasnt sleeping. I was barely breathing. I couldnt take it anymore.

As things went by i had to face them.

Through rumors at school. Through friends. Through stares. Through the police. Through medical examinationa. On the streets in their cars. Through music.  Through dressing myself .

Every day had violated me all over again.

I wasnt coping, and i wasnt me anymore.

Im still not, But i remembered control.

Years dragged by as i began to eat. Binging , purging, starving and stuffing. Til i finally managed to see myself as a different person. The weight i gained made my body grow plump and jiggly, and i began to realise thay i can control what i see in the mirror.

Everything i gained i did to not feel weak. I didnt wanna see anything i liked. I didnt wanna see clothes looking nice. I didnt wanna look good.

I hated my body and i hated myself , but i gained back my control.

Stretch marks stared to grow.

Clothes didnt fit.

Cellulite. Pimples. Sweat. - i thrived of it.

My body is disgusting. Ive taken it back.

Well so i thought.

Nothing ive ever done has taken that night away from me and it never will. Its always with me.

Time will heal nothing and i cant heal myself, nor could you help me.

But being fixated on this for so long has made me realise how controlled i have been by them.

My body is still theirs no matter how many guys i lay with in hopes to make me feel any less.

How many friends i listen to to make me less loud.

No matter which way i try to destroy myself they will never leave me.

I can drink, smoke, eat, fuck, cry, listen, love, hide, bleed and write til the end of time.

It will never be enough. I will never be enough. But i will never let that night be enough for them.

Time heals nothing but we fight, not for the destination but for the journey along the way. We are what we are and we cant chage that  but we can and we will live to love it.

I am destructive but i am still here, still hurting and probably still hurting you. But our journeys are alive and one day we WILL see just how beautiful we are.

That one day needs to be today and that needs to start everyday. Whether its in nature, the sky, a loved one, a pet or in the mirror,

Something somewhere is beautiful. Whether its a thing or a place or a soul, emmerse yourself in its beauty, and you will see it everywhere

Dont allow your past or your pain to define you.

#trigger warning #bpd #TW SUICIDE #TW ED #TW SH #TW weight #tw sex assault #Me too #my story #story time #mental health #healing #beauty #borderline feels #living with borderline

[spotsupstuff]

mmm if youre doing others' au characters, one of the iri au vessels of your pick? if not feel free to ignore this muah

-breaks fingies- gon go with shine cuz i feel like i know them best outta everyone of yo kids

Why I like them:

when i say ive laid awake in my bed just thinkin bout their design i mean it. i fuckin LOVE their design so much. theres just so much good about it and they are always a joy to draw. the horn design is super unique and ill be honest, it surprised me plenty when i saw it for the first time. i was skeptical about it for more than one reason but after first attempt at drawin them i fell in love. the cloak is incredibly aesthetically pleasing, design of the legs and tail is a joy to behold, the color palette is Absolutely Great because it just screams “this is ave!! aves design!!! theirs!!!!! its them!!!!!!” because them sunset colors are just your trademark. i am Very impressed with the choice to make the masks yellow tinted, like,,,, id be afraid to go that way if only because of the possible connections to radiance. i also ADORE their personality, they just carry this 17 year old awkward kid who also would tots rock somebody outta the dimension with fashion choices or just One Singular Look cuz the Bitch Just Exists Like That

Why I don’t:

their personality kinda hits close to home at times which makes me go -surprised pikachu face- and, even tho i really do understand, i wish theyd confront some things more head on

Favorite episode (scene if movie):

one of the asks you answered; the one with them n whisper sparring sometimes pops into my head to live rent free for like few hours. i love the picture you did, i love that they are Like That, i adore their fighting style and how fuckin dumb they can be about it sometimes

Favorite season/movie:

uhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuck how do i answer this... i GUESS that brokenverse could count as a season or a movie. so far? ive enjoyed their presence in bverse a lot. from start to this day, they were incredibly interesting to see reacting to things around them. the way they popped into the world was Very pleasing and i am glad that i was there to witness both as a viewer and through broken. i am very fascinated with the relationships that form between them n the other bvs and cant wait what will happen with them and what u r plannin for them in the rps if u r!!

Favorite line:

"I didn't know blankets and pillows had such structural integrity." is a really fuckin good one

"Do you want me to tear my wings?? I've never been in a place like this! I don't know how to move around it!” it was interesting to see them blow up and break, it gave a lot of perspective on their character to me and make them feel... like more? it just unlocked more of perspective about them to me. made me think and consider.

Favorite outfit:

that fuckin... croptop hoodie... i know its not an entire outfit but i have Cried over it i just fucking adore it so much. show that nice belly to the world, dont be ashamed of your scars honey, you are doing SO WELL and u fuckin rock it

OTP:

nobody 😔 im p sure that they dont have romance on mind too much if not at all

Brotp:

i like what ive seen of them n whisper so far a lot 👀 but out of actual sib relationships, i kinda like them n lost interacting together? i know that theres a tension between them right now and theres a lot of reasons that they wont like each other, most likely, in the near future, but there was just... something about the whole scene after shine brought them back to the house. and that they didnt leave when lost reached out. they held them and for some reason that was really comforting to read. i believe that if the two will ever want to get over their problems with each other once, there could be something really beautiful and cozy between them

Head Canon:

i got Two:

1. the crystal protects them from bad dreams, if those are still a thing in your au. i think you already sorta established that it has to do somethin with the grimm troupe and i believe that the troupe is something of a repellent of dreams

2. when they lost their lowest pair of wings, it hindered their flight capabilities a lot. theyve struggled for a While, but figured out how to fly with just four. even after all the troubles, they are an amazing flyer, maybe as close as dragonflies are. they are fast, but need to work on steadiness during it. they know their limits and probably enjoy the rush of wind around them (i may be completely wrong with these tho)

Unpopular opinion:

i aint got one chief, i am of the sorry

A wish:

i want to know more about them, about their opinions on the world. about the crystal they wear, about the actions they think would be right. i want to know their weaknesses and faults, their strengths and successes. shine is incredibly interesting already and i cant wait to know more

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen:

i dont want them to ever die by someones hand. i want them to be as safe as possible. i dont want them to lose the innocence of being a living being without a death count

5 words to best describe them:

popular, special, careful, fancy,,,, afraid (to a degree)

My nickname for them:

štístko (little luck)

#Spot says stuff #SWEET FUCK THIS TOOK LONGER THAN EXPECTED #I LOVE SHINE A LOT CAN YA TELL SDKGSLKGJKS #thanks for the ask!!!! this was a lot of fun... #astrangeavenue

[intersex-support]

sorry if this is a duplicate of another ask! tumblr has been eating my asks recently and i want to make sure it sent. do you have any advice or resources for feeling more comfortable with your body? i dont live up to standards of how perisex bodies look or function and i feel very uncomfortable and almost frustrated with myself. another worry thats resulted from that is fear around relationships/intimacy. (1/2)

im worried about how partners will react and since i deal with pain relationships are a point of internal struggles and almost resentment with my own body that i dont know how to handle. (2/2)

Hi! 

First off I want to say that I really relate and I think a lot of other intersex people do too-it can be so hard to feel comfortable and okay with our bodies when we’re constantly faced with messages that we’re abnormal and defective. I struggle with that myself-it can be so hard to undo my internal judgement about what my body is supposed to look like and how it’s supposed to function. But it’s so true that our intersex bodies are whole and beautiful just the way we are, and it’s okay to celebrate our intersex bodies. There’s nothing shameful about being intersex and even though I do feel ashamed a lot of the time, we’re allowed to be proud of being intersex. 

Some things that have helped me with intersex body positivity is following intersex activists on twitter or instagram and seeing them share their experiences and their intersex pride was really helpful to me. Some activists I like are Sean Saifa Wall, Pidgeon Pagonis and Hans Lindhal. If people have any more intersex activists they want to link down below, please add on! Following intersex positivity tags on tumblr can also be a little helpful.  

I was doing some research for things about intersex intimacy, because I think resources about intimacy while being intersex would be so helpful and is something I personally really want, but I couldn’t find anything. It’s hard enough to navigate our bodies on our own, and when considering navigating intimacy and sex with other people that’s just a whole other layer of difficulty. I wish that this resource did exist because I think we could really use it. 

Overall, all I can really say and suggest is that it’s important for us to remind ourselves that we’re not broken, we’re not shameful, we’re not defective and that our bodies are whole and natural and even beautiful. Becoming closer to other intersex people has helped me to feel more natural about being positive about my intersex body. And on days when I can’t be positive about my own body, just reminding myself that my body is good for other reasons, like that it nourishes me or keeps me alive or is strong, and that being intersex is just a natural part of the rest of my body. When it comes to intimacy, sex, and relationships, I try to remind myself that there are people out there who will love and respect me for exactly who I am, and that i deserve a partner who loves and respects me and my body. I don’t have to settle for people who fetishize or are not accepting of my intersex body. 

Intersex followers, if you have any advice or want to share your own struggles or experiences with intersex body positivity or relationships, please feel free to add on. You are defintely not alone, anon. 

💛💜💛

-Mod E

#actuallyintersex #intersex #asks #intimacy #relationships

[floralkittygambler]

Reposting for reasons

Response to Honest’s post here: Doing this to spread this awareness more as I know theres a bit of a rift in the critical community - plus I really fucking go on. Im PISSED and I do apologise however it NEEDS urgent addressing. I know people will hate me for it but Im used to hate and honestly? Hating rather than helping to solve the issue only furthers my fucking point here. So yeah this is so more people are aware (no offense to any of those involved in said rift either, but this is an important message. Thank you for understanding and if I can do anything to make all sides comfortable, then please message me and I’ll do my upmost.) “ More awareness of this is needed. Even if it’s your favourite, you can’t justify their shit but rally against another’s shit. Have people tell you you’re experiences arent real or invalid because, like Husk, people have - in real life - shipped you with someone you are far from comfortable with but you still treat them like a person. Because you have basic respect. And people force you to accept harassment, touching, stalking, advances for THEIR satisfaction. People use you for their fantasies. But you’re just a ‘tsundere’ for it. Or you have addiction issues but people think being with another addict will ‘save’ you because you’re apparently too incompetent to save yourself. Love isnt some magic fuckin cure so stop romanticising it as a fuckin saviour. It’s gross and fuckin creepy. Get stalked and have someone NEVER accept your no just because you show youre still decent enough to not treat them shitty or any different from anyone else. Try having someone way older or way younger (both in morally fucked up ways) advance on you and people encourage that. People you’re supposed to feel safe around.

People touch you when you pull away or show discomfort. Follow you home. Have pictures of you and wont accept you dont like them like that and it’s not ‘playing hard to get’ or ‘the thrill of the chase’. Fuck. OFF. In fact, Im not only disappointed in the fandom. Im disappointed in the entire team who some should know better from their OWN personal experiences - or at least the bare minimal of being a fucking adult. Im disappointed in especially females (sorry idk whether girl or woman is more appropriate here-) who statistically are more likely to have experienced something similar at some point in their lives think this is a cute gay moment. No. Angel is made out as a fucking predator - Im not saying he is, Im saying that his persistence is very fucking unwelcome like one. People like Husk dont need that fucking invasiveness. They/We need patience and someone on our level. Angel’s I know are the fuckin polar opposite - and some of them I know are very sexually harassing, including unwanted touching. It’s a shitty way to present gay people. Gays are fuckin people. Some are cunts and some arent. It’s a HUMAN thing. But considering the shit theyve been subjected to, presenting a gay as a victim only to also show them as a perpetrator is insulting! And for those Ive seen argue this about how people like AD wouldnt know how to express their love normally and whatnot? His pig. His best friend. He’s in his fucking 30s. There are literal real life criminals who get molested as kids and then go on to molest kids. Not all who grow up like that turn into nonces. Stop just fucking STOP justifying and romanticising this bullshit! I used to see the good in AD but now he makes me fucking sick. Especially with my verrrrrry fucking real traumas and connections. But fuck me, eh? Because this fictional guy matters so much more. Fuck real victims. And whilst we’re at it, fuck AD too when it suits your fetishes! Sarcasm aside, the fans and the team need to straighten up their abhorrent behaviour. Stolas. Fucking clearly having an affair, knowingly fucking up his daughter’s mental health and bribing a guy into sex who only wants the book and nothing more. He even has a fucking warning button over Stolas- Guys, how do you think any of this is cute? Even the team gross me out- I genuinely see potential and talent and it’s all gone to shit to satisfy horny teens, horny adults, and literally everyone who doesnt for the life of them understand being an adult is more than sex, drugs, violence and swears! I REALLY want to keep enjoying HB/HH but it’s getting harder and harder with such ignorant and bordering lazy creators (note: lazy as in wont do the fucking research or actually listen to real criticism and victims), such despicable fans (yeah, some HDers fuckin mocked that they triggered my ED, yet they had the fucking NERVE to support Angel’s potential ED AND laugh and blame me for me getting treated so badly for actually having the balls to call Angel and the teams hypocrisy. I got told to kill myself, that my problems arent real - oh but Angels apparently is! Which... They *are* but AD isnt real so technically only onlookers will suffer and not a drawing  - and they just excused their toxic behaviours. These people are like “aww poor angie babey!” yet fuckin INSULT sex workers. All this red in Hazbin yet it feels everyone and they mama colour blind. The issues are getting worse and fans are outright becoming EVIL, VILE, Vindictive little bullies - from kids to adults. You SHOULD be ashamed of yourself if you conduct yourself in such a manner. And you need to readjust your attitudes and behaviours because the only fuckers getting hurt are actual fucking victims. Ever been violated and been gaslit so much you STILL fucking question it’s reality? So you drown that shit out yet somehow it’s effects still hit you? Fetishise it. Make it your uwu gae couple goals, you’re no better than people believing Harley and the Joker werent toxic af. If this shit happened to you, most of you would actually SEE where we’re all coming from. Also, stop making gay a fetish - you’re like those creepy old men in the alley heckling lesbians to make out so they can wank off. Gays, no ALL the LGBT+ are fucking people too. So dont give me that bullshit then start turning everything just gay or just straight to mentally wank off to. It’s degrading and dehumanising. And yes, fiction does effect reality. You crush on a fictional character? Mourn one? Support one? Hell, fuckin jerk off to one - that’s affecting reality. Remember how in fiction all blacks were treated as villians? Look how theyre treated IRL. JAWS, great classic unfortunately their was a spike in shark killings over a fucking movie - the shark in the movie wasnt even real for the most part because they dont behave like that! (Also the animatronic was so shit they genuinely had so many issues - I think they even took to naming each one! Some fun trivia there!). Tiger sharks are more nasty than great whites as tiger sharks will hunt and eat a human. Great whites prefer seals and dislike human flesh, they just mistake us for seals. Hell, theres the toothless basking shark - theyre often SWAM WITH by divers for being so friendly. Yet Jaws made people think all sharks are bloodlusting over humans. Slenderman was created for a fucking contest and that influenced a stabbing (NOT Victor’s fault). Watch a horror movie that isnt based on a real life event and tell me that at least ONE has left you peaking over your shoulder. Stella may be a bitch - we dont know for certain - but try getting cheated on. Y’know what? Try growing up in such a broken home like Octavia. Yeah reaaaaaal fucking cute now, huh? Funny how as well y’all petition for male victims to be taken seriously then laugh when fictional males experience this abuse, further adding to stigma. You can be hit on by the hottest mf on the planet but if you arent interested, that should be respected! Also we’ve all been inspired by at least one fictional character so yeah. Yknow, since I was little Ive been fighting for sex worker and homeless rights. But HH/HB treatment of both leave a bitter taste in my mouth. I’ll still fully support sex workers and the homeless, but that’s the fucking effect this show is having. Bearing in mind I wont ever share everything Ive been through - and I shouldnt fucking have to in order to be believed and validated (obvs proof is required in a legal case but that’s a whole other topic). Why should I share MY fucking pain especially when you fuckers have belittled and triggered it more so? We have our rights to our secrets but fuck ME you lot NEED to start acting appropriately and like decent fucking humans. ‘iTs HeLl’ yeah and welcome to Earth- the team and yourselves live HERE. You obide by THESE rules. And as someone with beliefs (and a LOT of ancient fucking texts and studies on this shit) their Hell isnt even a proper Hell! It’s closer to purgatory and even then it’s not. Regardless, it’s a poorly built world with the lore consistently changing per episode and tweet, with many plot holes, and is apparently easy to get into - even via accidentally watching porn according to a stream. If youre gonna parade youre a fucking expert and research into demonology and use real believed figures, at least get THAT right. In fact, Lucifer and Lilith (and Stolas tbf) are ESPECIALLY risky as theyre a lot more complex than most easy access texts will tell you. Likewise, Stolas’s first introduction and main focus is sex. He’s one of the FEW Goetia demons that dont have some involvement in relationship issues at ALL. He’s known for astrology, crystals and herbs but hes also known to aid MONEY troubles (it’s lesser known but it’s true! HB Stolas is an insult to the Prince). Turning Vodou into something evil is vile considering it’s powerful and liberated slaves. Pentagrams are nothing to do with Satan, they’re magic based sigils. Upside down cross is the symbol of a SAINT. It’s just some edgy attempt to trick people into believing they know more than they do. Also you should NEVER dabble and doodle sigils without knowing the meanings or respecting what they behold. Vox and Val, real fuckin cute way to make them look like a stupid fucking highschool drama instead of a fucking SEX TRAFFICKER (note: real pimps often target YOUNG folks too - aka minors - and groom them into sex work. Theres different types of pimp. Viv has shown barely any understanding of ‘the game’ and its a fucking insult to injury. Yes we KNOW what a fucking pimp and prozzie are! We dont need to see it. We need REAL AWARENESS.) and a fucking scheming bastard of a CEO salesman botman. And yet even THEN lets go a step further and make some yandere wuv on boyfweind aboose! Fuck off- Now I love a good anime but these tropes are getting fucking dangerous now. And unrealistic to real love and relationships. Kids nowadays know fuck all on a healthy relationship (neither did the fuckin 50s tbf) and Im seeing more romaticism and glorifying abusive situations. Like the show ‘You’. Ok, there’s a fuckin bloke online who slaughtered innocents and kidnapped yet people commented how cute he is on his IG and that they want to be kidnapped or killed by him next. Dont believe me? Look up Peter Manfredonia Connecticut and the comments people left him and then tell me why shit like whats being presented in HH/HB ISNT fucking concerning - because it is. For a series about redemption, it’s brilliant at the opposite (Quote from the creator herself, Viv has posted that it’s influencing her bad choices. Even as a joke, proof’s in the pudding). And the overall focus on sex in the way Viv does is so immature and really creepy, and this is from an ADULTS perspective. From one adult to another, Im concerned as to why any of them think this is a normal fixation. Then again they’ve hired quite a large amount of dodgy folks and even a child. Most of this shit gets avoided with a basic background check like most companies run. I DO like Hazbin. Or the premise. I love some of the cast and spite the others. In Helluva, I just like a tiny portion of the cast. And I critique it so harshly because Viv DOES need a wakeup slap, grounding to reality, people who arent going to big her up or kiss her arse for once and shape her up to be the best she can be. The actually reach and even surpass her potential. And to reach where you need to be, there’s a lot of harsh lessons youll face. That’s life. Shes chosen one of the most HEARTLESS industries and if she blocks out critique as ‘hate’ then she’s not strong enough and wont last. It’s just another unprepped YanDev again (except I dont believe Viv to be a nonce. Even with her dodgy past and dodgy present, I think her perspective on sex and relationship with sexuality is FAR from healthy BUT I dont believe she’s a pedophile. Ive bled my fair share and so far, I just think her sex perspective isnt healthy or mature for her age. But there’s little to nothing to suggest actual noncery - dont worry about accusations there. But YanDev is totally a dirty predator. Just clearing that up). Viv NEEDS some harshness and stability if she wants to do things right. And it’ll make her fucking cry but if she loves these projects as much as she claims to, then you’ll sacrifice blood, sweat and tears for that shit. Even the strongest points are mediocre at best when properly observed. She CAN do more, but she’ll have to face the harsh music. Viv wont see this, but if she does, I dont care if it upsets her. Why? Because this is that much of an issue - something she’s cultivated - that she needs to take action and not ignore it or be secretive about it. She needs to grow up and get tougher skin. Im not saying this to cause her pain. In fact, I wouldnt waste my fucking limited time if I DIDNT care. Trust me, I have duties to be met at a certain quota every single day. I say this shit only because I give a shit and care. If we met, she’d fucking hate me. But people like me are good for shaping people up to their potential. And we arent always this ‘tough love’ either. But when someone needs that level of harshness to help themselves, we’re not afraid to lose people or cause upset if the results end up being the best for them. If she ever saw this, she needs to re fucking evaluate her message, her story, and those she’s choosing to welcome into her circle. And all Im seeing is one rookie mistake after the other. Her paid patreon discord. Just like the messages Honest has posted on her side of being harassed (not in Vivs fyi), Ive experienced shit and bullying and even stay silent on their for being attacked for a group I fuckin paid to be in and yet I feel isolated. It’s all arsekissing and ‘thank you viv’ (thats an actual channel-) and it feels like a place of borderline worship and people trying to appease her 24/7 whilst kicking others with different opinions down. There’s so many I love but I aint kissin yer fuckin arse. Ask the closest friend I have - we’re fucking raw and wont just side with each other just because. We’ll call each other out if we think they’ve fucked up and then help each other build themselves up better. Because real fuckin people who actually care wont just want to be adored by you. They’ll care enough to point out your bullshit and help you, even if they upset you at the time. They’re real and upfront with you. People like us arent always the easiest to be close to either because we arent afraid of upsetting someone if it’s in their best interest and to help them. Likewise, we dont go out looking for fights either. Most times, we’re fuckin soft bastards- All this shit listed is the fuckin surface level of the real life hell of this fandom. And unsurprisingly, those who experience little to no toxicity have always been higher on that popularity ‘food chain’ - enough admirers and shared opinions that people wanna arse kiss regardless of their OWN feelings as well as neutral perspectives. I’d say you’re the lucky fans, but you’re not. You’re sheltered, and that isnt always the best way to be sadly. As for the fans. If Ive upset you. Well... I dont care. Because many of you have actively sought me out and weaponised my traumas against me. You never cared about my feelings then. Why should I care about yours? Im not doing this out of malice. Im fed up of humans behaving so pathetically yet claiming to be high and mighty. Most of you have been arseholes to those in and out of the community. The victims and non-victims alike. Hardly any of you considered once my real suffering. You put a drawing over a life. Many lives. You had the audacity to tell me Im full of shit. Some even using my real traumas to make a mockery of me and those Im around with a very similar history. Some with traumatic histories that differ from my own. You hardly ever considered the real lives of those effected. So no, Im not sorry for having the fucking balls to this day to still stand up for our rights and give us a voice that’s long been stolen. Im not sorry for being a fucking victim. Im not sorry for saying what desperately NEEDS voicing. And Im not sorry for not conforming to you or any fandom just to belong. We deserve better than to constantly be your fuckin arse monkeys (well... the trope is butt monkey but yknow-) and to be mistreated, misrepresented and harmed by you. You’re no different to the school bullies who give speeches on anti-bullying day. And I hope every single one of you starts looking into yourselves and improving. PS: Depending on the texts you read, Lucifer is said to have been redeemed or to be redeemed. Fun fact to haunt yalls with~ “

#warning long #long post #hazbin critical #very long rant #important #hear victims voices #just sick of how awful people can treat one another and believe this is acceptable #everyone is accountable #toxic fanbase #Toxic shippers #toxic ships #im literally too fucking old for this #forgive the anger but after years and years it gets so cumbersome and tiring #im happy to be the pariah if it means victims actually get heard and helped