#im so sick and tired of fighting with my own brain

[pepprs]

my dad might have fucking covid. about to jump off a bridge

#purrs #he was unmasked in my future room with the contractors yesterday and one of them woke up sick this morning and stayed in bed all day and now #my dad is feeling sick and my mom isn’t even better yet and i just saw so many people (WHO ARE VULNERABLE / HAVE VULNERABLE FAMILY MEMBERS) #in the last couple of days and now i might have exposed them. i am about to LOSE my shit. i need all respiratory diseases to die immediately #i am TIRED of living in constant fear. and i am FURIOUS at my dad for not wearing a mask. #like do you people NOT FUCKING GET IT. You may be cavalier. you may say you don’t care if you get it you can fight it off. BUT YOU INTERACT #WITH OTHER PEOPLE. who may not WANT to get sick. Who may not be able to DURVIVE getting sick. WHAT IS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND. if you see #someone wearing a mask they are doing that FOR A REASON!!!! TO PROTECT THEMSELVES!!!!! TO PROTECT THEIR LOVED ONES!!!!! so fucking WEAR ONE #OUT OF COURTESY! USE YOUR FUCKING BRAIN! i don’t care if they’re hard to breathe in. I don’t care if they’re uncomfortable. I don’t care if #it’s your own house and you’re not used to it. SUCK IT UP. you can be uncomfortable for five minutes. you KNOW how anxious we all are about #getting covid and you DIRECTLY endanger us and now i might have put other people in danger. and i didn’t even choose it I didn’t do anything #wrong. FUCK COVID. fuck this collective punishment nightmare. I am SO TIRED of living in constant fear because OTHER PEOPLE want to pretend #it’s over. it fucking ISNT. there are things I care about. there are people I care about. and if you were a decent fucking human being you #would understand that and MASK UP. not everyone gets to be so glib about it. it’s hard enough being seen as fucking insane and still taking #damage from having basicaly 0 social life because im too afraid to go anywhere or do anything it’s harder when people around me who i can’t #help but interact with exhibit that they do not actually care about how it is improtant to me that i do not get sick or get my loved ones #sick ESPECIALLY when it is my loved one himself who KNOWS how scared shitless we all are. it fucking hurts so bad. fuck covid. FUCK covid. #delete later #like. despair. i can wear my n95 mask all i want but i am still fucking HELPLESS when people around me don’t. despair. DESPAIR.

[leohamatoblog]

What They Text You: Applies to any...cause they're all a bunch of dorky teens and i dont care what anyone says.

Leo:

• look at my new plant

• would you like to have tea tomorrow?

• you look so pretty 😍 leo you cant see me and? i bet you do

• am i really an old man???? 😭😭😭

• be honest, do you think raph can beat me in an arm wrestle? if you dont answer in 5 minutes, i will assume it's yes and i will prove you wrong.

• good morning honey. have a wonderful day today! ❤️

• are you still mad at me...? LEO YOU SET MY MICROWAVE ON FIRE. so is that a yes?

• have you eaten yet? you need to eat...and drink something other than (your favorite drink)

• i got benched because i can't stop throwing up. i'm fine! leo...you threw up blood literally 10 minutes ago. it was only a little 🙄

• i'm in desperate need of a kiss right now.

• check out my new katanas

• remember that i love you 🥰🥰❤️

• for the last time, i wont download tik tok. you know how bad i hyperfixate 😠

• stop playing candy crush and pay attention to me

• keep it up and you won't get the knots worked out of your shoulders.

• mikey just called me a boomer...i feel like i should be offended. you are a boomer. I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

• y/n, i love you, but for the love of god, PLEASE PICK UP YOUR SOCKS.

• *drunk* im in a relationship why do i have your name as my love cause my girl/boyfriend/partner will definitely not like that and i dont know who you are but they will kick your ass and i dont even feel sorry cause you arent love leo...you're drunk. NO IM TAKEN

• call me cause i would like to hear about your day and i miss you

• i love you my love ❤️

Raph:

• come watch me bench im bored

• can you please come get mikey before i hit him?

• wear that giant sweatshirt to our date. ya look adorable in it

• why did you ask donnie to help you with your homework?? um...cause it's about neurons and receptors in the brain. i could've helped with google! 😒

• YOU NEED TO COME KILL THIS COCKROACH RIGHT NOW.

• hey babe. how was your day? ❤️

• have i ever told you how beautiful you are? what did you do. nothing...? i just think you're beautiful. raphael. fine..i broke casey's nose. AGAIN!?!

• i'm so tired...wanna come nap with me?

• facetime me so i can show you this cool trick spike can do

• remember how i said i was going to be more level headed? well donnie's new robot almost broke my arm and it's no more. you lasted 1 day more than the last time.

• *you sent a selfie* yeahhhh that's my baby 😍😍

• eat or im fighting you.

• jokes on you ive always been completely unhinged and it's bold of you to think i cant be worse.

• im sick. can you bring me some soup? 😣

• i miss you like a lot and i hate when you're gone

• i love you a whole lot 😘

• im just gonna start carrying you everywhere if you dont stop tripping over NOTHING. im just gonna trip harder. Y/N NO.

• mikey said we're his parents just an fyi. he's always been my son

• i made waffles. you better come eat some

• damn babe you're fine 🤤

Donnie:

• no i wont do your homework for you

• tell shelldon to stop talking back to me before i ground him for eternity

• im in a house of IDIOTS. technically it's a lair. not now y/n.

• you look like a pile of swans in that sweater 🥰

• i can't sleep. wanna play online scrabble?

• sweetie you need to eat more than a bag of gummy worms and a bag of doritos

• you need to come sit with me while i work because i need an extra set of eyes. you just miss me 😏 don't start.

• don't call a plumber! i know how to fix the sink. i got this 😎 donnie the pipe exploded the last time you "had" this.

• *you sent a selfie* you look nice

• im gonna blow up. a person, a thing, a place, all of the above? yes.

• you need to drink straight broth, it'll help soothe your stomach ache

• im dying. you have a cold.

• i love you but please stop trying to assemble ikea furniture on your own.

• good luck on your exams/work project! 😘

• TELL RAPH TO STOP PICKING ME UP TO MOVE ME.

• leo just called me an asparagus. i didn't know how to respond so his phone will self destuct in 5 minutes. DONNIE.

• you're so pretty 🥺

• i made you something and you have to come get it right now. im literally about to have my wisdom teeth out. reschedule it

• listen to the playlist i made you or else im disabling your pirated tv show service

• thanks for listening to me 💜

Mikey:

• babe come snuggle with me

• i made you brownies so come eat them with me while we watch crognard

• i haven't seen you in so long 😭 you saw me this morning. BUT THAT WAS HOURS AGO

• angelcakessssss i love you

• look at this cat video i found

• FACETIME ME THERES A PUPPY

• are you awake? mikey it's 3 am. good, so would you still love me if i was a worm? go to sleep.

• i bet you look like a cuddly bear today 🥰

• im so hungry. can you bring me ice cream?

• raph wont stop being mean to me. can you beat him up? cause a (your height) tall human can beat a 6ft turtle's ass 😑 i believe in you.

• im coming over with my new call of duty game and we're having a game a thon!

• i found a cat. mikey no. his name is gerald. MIKEY WE ALREADY HAVE 10 OF THEM. HALF ARE NAMED GERALD.

• i made you a mixtape i cant wait for you to hear it

• how mad would you be if i crashed the shell razor in a derby and broke my arm? very. then i did not do that.

• im sick. come help me feel better 😭

• call me cause april just told me something about casey that's wild

• i found this cool rock that i think you'll like

• it's so cool i can date you. you're for real the coolest. you broke my coffee table again didn't you? no...maybe.

• im bringing you lunch cause my baby needs to eat!

• this song reminds me of you 💕

#rise of the tmnt #tmnt 2012 #tmnt ask blog #tmnt bayverse #tmnt donatello #tmnt leonardo #tmnt michelangelo #tmnt raphael #ask blog #tmnt 2003 #tmnt headcanons

[keeksandgigz]

ugh maybe something angsty to fluffy with eddie , like nightmares or a silly argument turned too big leaving both in tears but then resolved

idk baby ugh i love ur writing tho !

aww stop i love u <3

this is literally my first ask ever im so excited!! hope u enjoy :)))

He knows better than to fall asleep.

The world lays still around him, the sound of lone crickets plays as his lullaby while he stares at his banged up ceiling.

Everytime he closes his eyes he feels like he's suffocating, still in the stuffy, dusty and slimy Upside Down, the blood at his throat almost choking him to death.

It's his first night alone back home. Him and Wayne had been cleared to go back earlier that September morning after spending a whole summer in a cramped infirmary on a small cot that made his feet stick out.

Noises of people snoring, talking, moving around. Even people crying and screaming in their sleep. You sleeping in the cot right next to him.

Your shoulders rising and falling. On nights where he couldn't sleep he'd count every breath you took, until his brain grew tired and fell victim to slumber.

But tonight there was just eerie quiet. No breaths to count except his own, shallow and irregular in his chest, as he tried not to focus too much on the way the skin of his naked chest stretched taut by the stitches given to him felt under his hand, casually resting there.

The faint white and red splotches of mangled skin felt funny under the touch of his hands. Even then, he tried to not touch them. He didn't like the way his body would retract from his own touch. Almost as if he was scared of himself.

He hadn't let you see them yet, everytime you hung out and reveled in each other's company never went further than a few risky kisses. Your hands traveling to the hem of his shirt being abruptly stopped by his fingers intertwined in yours, moving away from his waist.

It was silent, the way you understood his limits. He'd never let you know he wasn't comfortable, and you could not have possibly known what lied under the too- big shirt he'd taken from the donation box.

Tonight, though, he finds himself missing counting your breaths, imagining you back at home in the comfort of your bed. Are you awake too?

Sick and tired of thinking, closing his eyes only to see monsters behind his lids, the feeling of the crumpled, rough sheets under his back, he gets up. He slips a shirt on, along with a pair of pants and fishes a pack of cigarettes and a lighter from the pockets of his jacket, perched carelessly on the chair.

He heads to the front porch. He closes the front door behind him, trying to keep quiet. Wayne's at work, but the habit of tiptoeing and whispering around after months of living in a communal space still stuck with him.

He sits on the stairs of his porch, letting the cigarette between his lips as he fights with the yellow lighter his dad had given him to start a spark.

"Fuck" he curses under his breath as the lighter proceeds to not produce a light. His breathing becomes uneven as his cheeks flush with anger. Frustrated, he tosses the lighter in the patch of grass in front of him. Useless fucking thing.

He doesn't even know why he still has it. The last time he'd seen his dad was over two years before. He'd never gone that long without a visit.

He's tempted to go in the kitchen and light up his cigarette with the stove, but Wayne didn't like him smoking inside. Instead he just sits there, unlit cigarette between his lips as he looks at a certain spot in the trailer park.

The same spot he'd almost died at.

He's so entranced by that one patch of dirt that he doesn't notice a car driving into the trailer park. His eyes diverting only when the headlights almost turn him blind.

It's you.

The car turns off and you come out of it, dressed in some cute pyjamas, a jacket that once belonged to Eddie covering you from the late September gale.

"Can't sleep either?" you say, staring at his dumbfounded face as you approach him on the wooden porch stairs.

"Too quiet. Missin' the old man who talked about cake in his sleep" he lets out a breathy laugh.

"My bed was too comfortable. My back is too fucked up from the cot, can't sleep on a soft mattress anymore. Missed having a bed next to yours, Munson" you nudge him, he just gives you a tight- lipped smile.

"Missed watching you breathe" he says, cautiously "Helped me sleep at night. I'd count every breath you took"

"Having any nightmares?" you ask, placing your head on his shoulder.

"Can't have nightmares if I'm awake. Everytime I close my eyes it's like I'm back in there, so I just.... don't sleep" he says, playing with the still unlit cigarette in his mouth.

The air is light between you two, an air of friendship, unweighted by your knowledge of what happened to him. You bring him relief, solace.

"Tell you what" you begin "you can light that cigarette with my car lighter, we split it, and then we go back inside and you can watch me breathe. So you can sleep" you blink up at him. He blinks at you back.

You offering to sleep with him in his bed wasn't something he'd have expected out of his life. Especially at this time of it.

All he does is nod as you take the cigarette from his lips and light it in your car, coming back with it already between your lips.

You're warm when you settle yourself next to him on the bed, under the rough blankets. The pillows smell like him. You inhale.

He doesn't know whether to hold you or leave you alone. He just opts to be a little closer to you as he lets you close your eyes. A weak "G'night, Munson" escapes you as you exhale and close your eyes.

He watches the silhouette of your shoulders rise and fall.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven...

He falls asleep before he can get to fifty.

#eddie munson #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson fanfiction #eddie munson imagine #eddie munson fluff #eddie munson x you #stranger things #eddie munson fan fiction #eddie munson x reader fluff #eddie munson angst #keeksgetsasks!

[zaimta]

T.M.I

zai says: i think imma release these every friday, when the other ones come out yall will be able to tell that this was the first one i did also i'm gon milk this arc till the day i die n y'all know this

[prev] [pause/play] [next]

you looked in the mirror in disgust, you hated what you saw, nothing but a broken person who couldn't even stay true to what they believed in. nothing more than a puppet being toyed with by the puppet master.

you and freed walked side by side to the church, he could tell you were feeling a slight amount of guilt but he had yet to figure out something that was bothering him “y/n. it’s clear that laxus will only listen to you at this point. but maybe he is beyond that point…however, i must ask why haven’t you told him to call this all off? it’s clear you don’t want much to do with this. so why y/n? why do you fight for something you don’t believe in?”

“because i-”

“damnit!” you shouted at the memory flooding your brain, you clutched your head looking down at your feet, and you then felt tears streaming down your cheek “why wasn’t i strong enough? i’m pathetic.”

back then you knew the answer to his question and you still do now, your guilt was eating you alive not allowing you to think clearly

your arms fell slack by your sides and you fell to your knees, tears still streaming down your cheeks

“maybe i’m just a fool freed.” he sent a smile your way his eyes screamed pity, just a pitiful glare for a shameful idiot and you hated every second of it.

“i should have done more back then, anything would have been better than this outcome. i was too weak to stop it, i was just a love-sick fool who was blinded by that fact. after all this time did he even love me back? was i following him blindly just for him to not even love me back?” despite all the fond memories you made your doubts triumph over everything you knew and what he told you.

shame flooded your mind, you felt embarrassed to feel this way, to wallow in your own shame and regret. these feelings were all too familiar to you and you hated every last second of it, every pitiful millisecond was nothing short of hell to you, he was long gone and out of your life but yet your doubts in your relationship still followed you.

“please…make it stop.” you mumbled weakly as if your pleas would be heard while your tears flowed like a river.

“because i loved him. no matter how many people i had to hurt i wanted to see him happy again.”

i hate myself i look in the mirror and start to cry stupid self sabotage every time t.m.i i think i'm the worst criticize everything 'til it hurts

you don’t know but you picked yourself and decided to go to the guild hopefully some time around your friends would do you some good, and there it was again the pitty glances, you smiled throughout them all but there was only so much you could take.

you went to an empty table to clear your thoughts and felt a hand on your shoulder, you tensed up bracing for those words “how are you holding up?” lucy spoke to you as if you were fragile and you could break at any second, or that’s what it felt like to you anyway. you snatched your shoulder away from her grip and sent her a glare “im fine. why does everyone treat me like i’m some fragile thing?”

bet you wish you never asked sorry if i made you sad at least you know now where i'm at

you dropped your shoulders suddenly aware of how tense you were, you groaned and ran a hand down your face “shit. i’m sorry lucy i’m just…tired.”

“y/n im sorry i didn’t mean to-” you cut the celestial mage off “no it’s not your fault you were just trying to check on me.” you felt something run down your cheeks, we’re you crying? after all this time an ‘are you okay’ was what it took to get to you. you excused yourself and headed into the bathroom, it was pathetic you felt like a failure crying in a public restroom. you were nothing more than a waste of space who couldn’t have anything go your way.

“it’s all my fault. maybe if i was more firm?? who am i kidding maybe if i said something anything he still would have been here.” you think to yourself causing your tears so flow like a river down your face.

you looked in the mirror and saw the weakest person you ever saw, and it took everything in you not to smash that mirror.

“y/n?” evergreen said while knocking on the bathroom door “im coming in okay?” she walked into the bathroom and noticed the tears on your cheeks and she wordlessly wiped them away and sighed “what am i going do with you n/n? we’ve got to get you a better coping mechanism” she chuckled quietly at her own joke, she pulled down her dress so it was at least covering her legs and sat on the floor, she patted the spot next to her with a gentle smile inviting you to sit. you wordlessly sat next to her with your knees pulled up to your chest.

“i know this is hard on you right now, but you can’t keep pushing us away we’re here for you…freed told me how you have been feeling.” you sighed deeply “so you know everything?” she shook her head “i only know freed’s assumptions, if you don’t want to talk about it that’s okay but you can’t keep letting your emotions eat you alive it’s not healthy for you y/n.”

the two of you sat there in silence for a while, you broke the silence with a small sigh and began opening up to evergreen about how you’ve been feeling “i feel like it’s all my fault ever…i feel like i could have done more maybe if i said something this whole thing wouldn't have happened or maybe he wouldn’t have been kick out of the guild” you pull your knees closer to your chest as you speak “i loved him ever, and now i might not even see him again.”

evergreen rested her hand on yours with a soft smile, you looked at her and her eyes didn’t scream pitty nor did they feel as if they were looking down at you and it was comforting “you don’t have to be guilty for anything y/n, we all made the choice to follow his plan…and he’s quite the ambitious man you know that, no matter what he would have seen his plan through till the end.”

you returned the smile “yea you’re right” the smile didn’t reach your eyes and she knew that, she knew you needed time how much time was all up to you however.

i hate myself i look in the mirror and start to cry super self sabotage every time t.m.i i think i'm the worst criticize everything 'til it hurts if you knew me better, you would like me worse t.m.i

#fairy tail x reader #laxus x reader #fairy tail x y/n #fairy tail x you #laxus x y/n #laxus x you #laxus dreyar x reader #laxus dreyar x you #laxus dreyar x y/n

[cabinofimagines]

Trust and Tribulations

I can't believe we're pulling it off, and here we are. Pairing: Platonic the seven + a bunch of other ones x reader Word count: ~1.1k Warnings: Bad puns, hatcanons from me and Danny -Asnyox < prev. - next >

As the midterms were still ongoing, the monthly meeting was half in real life and half via Iris message. You, Nico and Will had ventured out to Percy and Annabeth, whereas Hazel and Frank called from Camp Jupiter. Jason and Piper joined you from Piper’s house and Leo joined from the Waystation with Calypso. 

I don’t know whether you have ever been on a call with multiple friends, but simply said it was chaos. After everyone was in the IM there and said their hello’s a silence slowly seeped into the conversation. 

“So, has everyone gotten their invites?” Frank softly asked, “You know, as we all knew that Halloween was coming up, just checking whether everyone got the invites now.” He was clearly looking for any facial reactions as he made his statement. Percy was quick to give one of panic, and then school it back.

“Grover gave us one yesterday, he mentioned Apollo delivering them?” Percy looked around at the people in the IM. 

“Yeah, he loves helping Meg out. He also told us that you all seemed like you’re dying, so how’s that going?” You asked as most people in the IM except for Leo suddenly looked more tired. 

“Halloween this year is very on brand with the scare factor,” Percy said, “Saving the world? Easy. School?  The scariest of all. Luckily I got my wise girl here helping me out.” he pressed a kiss on Annabeth’s cheek as she smiled.  

“It did take us by surprise,” Hazel bumped into the conversation, “Frank and I had been very busy with Preator duties and then suddenly Apollo was there.” She laughed as if she was embarrassed, “I genuinely was about to fight whatever he was bringing, luckily it was only the invite.” 

“You could’ve brought it better though!” Frank exclaimed, “We have a quest from Apollo,” he impersonated Hazel, “It scared me half to death!” Hazel laughed at her boyfriend's terror, before shaking her head, “Sorry Frank, just wanted you to know how I felt when I opened the door.” 

“Do we know who else is coming?” Piper asked, “Is Reyna invited? Are there going to be more satyrs because it is in a grove?” 

“Coach Hedge is coming,” Nico said, “Don’t know about any other satyrs though. I do think Reyna is coming, if Artemis lets the hunters partake in the celebrations.” 

“Cool,” Piper nodded. 

“Anyways,” Percy drawled out, “How’s the costumes going? As clearly nobody forgot Halloween was happening. We just ran into uh, a problem with ours.” 

“You forgot, didn’t you?” You accused Percy, “Unbelievable.” 

“We might have,” he admitted, “but we’ll have to figure something out, we can’t disappoint Meg like that.” 

“I mean, it’s on her for sending out the invites that late.” Annabeth stated.

“It’s a Halloween party, on Halloween.” You said, “You knew this was coming all year, don’t blame her for your own tardiness.” Annabeth glared at you. 

“Well, I have a plan.” she said. 

“You did not yesterday.” Percy retorted, “Better yet, you wanted to fake sickness because of your construction deadline on friday.” 

“Are you underestimating me, seaweed brain?” You were glad you were not Percy right now, because Annabeth looked like she was ready to go for the kill. 

“... no?” Percy gulped. 

“I don’t have a costume yet either,” Will tried to break up the tension.

"Yes, you do.” Nico interjected, “I have you covered in my costume plans.” Will looked at him questioningly, and after a moment it seemed like he realized something. 

“Wait, you are still doing the thing?” Will asked and Nico nodded quickly, “Seriously? Then who…?”

“Can’t tell you, it would spoil the surprise for the rest of the people here.” Nico smiled crookedly, “Besides, you know you can trust me right?”

“I am not so sure anymore, my sunshine.” Will looked at his boyfriend skeptically as Nico let out a laugh.

“Love you too.”

“Speaking of costumes,” Hazel said, “Leo, could Frank and I borrow some hats from you? We’ll tell you the specific ones later.” 

“Of course! I should bring spare hats to the party anyways,” Leo grinned, “You never know how many people will come with bad costumes that my hats can fix. If a certain couple needs hats as costumes too,” Leo pointedly looked at Percy and Annabeth, “they just have to ask. I know you all love my hat collection!”

“No, thanks.” Annabeth grumbled, “I have a plan.” 

“I haven’t even thought of getting a costume yet,” Jason looked awfully guilty. 

“Jason, do you want to do a costume with me? I need someone to finish my mys-tree costume” Leo lit up. 

“Yes?” Jason hesitated, “Was that a tree pun?” Leo ignored his comment.

“That is such a re-leaf. Our costumes are gonna have so much chemis-tree together, trust me!” Leo’s grin got wider with each pun, “Fir sure we are going to have the pinest costumes at the party.” There was a mix of groans and laughs. 

“You’re not dressing us up as trees are you?” Jason looked scared. 

“Nope! Good guess though.” 

“Well,” Piper bumped into the convo, “Good things come in trees, so do you have room for one more?” Leo shook his head. 

“Sorry pipes, I don’t be-leaf I do but I can always lend out my hats.” 

“Maybe we should get the hats, Annabeth-” Percy whispered but Annabeth elbowed him.

“No way, seaweed brain. Some of them might be cursed, and besides that I have a plan.” 

“What plan?” 

Ignoring the lover’s quarrel, Piper turned to Calypso.

“You don’t happen to have a bunch of time to help me with my costume?” 

Calypso shook her head. “No, I’ve been so busy with (Y/n)’s costume that I have yet to start my own, sorry.” 

“No worries,” Piper seemed to start thinking, “no worries,” she mumbled. 

After some more discussion everyone realized the time, and as most people in the calls had deadlines to make (and costumes to get) you ended the meeting. You looked at Will and Nico as you smiled. 

“I think most people are royally screwed trying to get costumes this close to Halloween.” you laughed and Nico nodded.

“Luckily we’ve been preparing.” He said and Will sighed. “At least I know I won’t be a tree, poor Jason.”

#request #halloweenverse #halloween 2023 #pjo x reader #reader insert #imagine #percy jackson #heroes of olympus #leo valdez #nico di angelo #requests #jason grace #cabinofimagines #annabeth chase #will solace #piper mclean #platonic #calypso #hazel levesque #frank zhang #admin asja #admin asnyox

[unknownarmageddon]

Side bit because I'm Thinking , what other effects do you think aka Killer's soul slowly giving out on him would have on him

OKAY i know this is for other effects but im just gonna list of All the effects i can think of off the top of my head

definitely fatigue. it’s harder for him to leave his sleeping bag in the mornings and travel as long as usual and climb and jump debris like he’d have no problem doing before. cross probably starts carrying him around on his back more

similar thing but he definitely gets tired quicker and sleeps more. both he and cross keep waiting for the night he’ll lay down and stop moving entirely

coughing. and generally finding it harder to breath. there’s SO much shit in the air that his soul’s so very exposed to that’s gotta fuck with whatever respiratory situation he’s got going on. also plays into the fatigue and means he can’t keep moving for long intervals

maybe even nausea??? maybe not as prominent but it probably happens sometimes

this has definitely been mentioned already but visually his soul’s a lot dimmer and more unstable. it flickers more and wobbles almost constantly like a dying flame or lightbulb. maybe it even looks smaller. and it’s whirring and beating is quieter and slower. and it’s probably less expressive (doesn’t shift into a heart as often in situations where it would etc)

he feels colder. he’s already cold natured but it’s made worse by everything going on with him. and he shivers a lot too. gusts of wind are especially bad

probably more susceptible to sicknesses. even if they’re short term and not super serious they do happen more often. if he got something worse than a cold it’d probably kill him

also strong negative emotions like despair are almost painful (maybe not literally but it’s damn close) in some way. definitely doesn’t help, probably speeds things up. (haha lovelorn arc)

same kinda thing, physical injuries are made worse just by how weak a state he’s in

he probably has a harder time concentrating like on fights or whatever. it’s like he has a constant cold or fever y’know that feeling. brain fog

this is more of in the emotional sense but he definitely feels more defeated and hallow and devoid of hope. before he always had some kind of fire and hope and Desire for survival but now it’s like. whats the point. he still makes jokes and quips and tries to be Normal for both his and cross’s sake but as time goes on it’s more and more evident that it is very much not normal. it feels like he’ll just cave in on himself

also more of an emotional thing but i think he gets more clingy towards cross. because he, they both do, knows how bad things have gotten or are or are going to get and wants to be as close to him as possible. for safety. comfort. out of fear that when cross’s gone is when killer will finally dust and then that’ll be it. to savor any time he gets with him. for warmth

they both start going off on their own much less

all of this gradually and continuously gets worse as time passes and he doesn’t get better. like he’s decaying. it starts off with mildly concerning stuff like a dimmer soul and some coughing but becomes him laying curled up in his sleeping bag for days on end

#answering asks #yeag #denieatsart asks #deni!! #apocalyptic kross au

[apompkwrites]

Hii!! Im back :D just gonna dump my brain rot here while i wait for my game to load:)

-Lil!Kingscholar and Lil!Draconia forcing their brothers to get along (atleast while they're around) and Leona and Malleus begrudgingly giving eachother a pat on the shoulder as a peace treaty.

-Lil!Octo being invited to an Unbirthday party by Lil!Rose and they just bring some snackes and tea and eat and talk under a tree.

-Lil!Schoenheit braiding and styling Lil!Draconia's hair and horns with flowers.

-Lil!Hunt hiding Epel from Vil when he escaped his make-up session with him.

-Lil!Clover giving their own baked pastries for the other lils

-Lil!Shroud finishing game levels for Ortho when he can't do it

-Lil!Kingscholar napping in a patch of sun with Cheka thats all for now hope your doing well and enjoying your summer (if you have rn) >:} anon

my summer was... summer ig? tbf i think everyone had a funky summer. that and I had summer classes D: but anyway onto the black sheep :)

lil king and lil drac have a get along shirt for leona and malleus bc they're sick and tired of their brothers fighting all the time.

lil ashengrotto and lil rosehearts just confiding in each other bc they find solace in the other's presence :O

lil schoenheit would be so gentle with lil draconia's hair bc of their horns D:

imagine if lil hunt liked to hide in trees too so epel just gets scooped up from the ground

lil clover opening up a bakery exclusively for the black sheep

ortho 100% being able to finish game levels but he pretends he can't so lil shroud can help him :]

and finally lil kingscholar would def take cheka off of leona's hands once they have a better relationship :))

#a pompk answers #black sheep #a >:} anon's rambles

[duckymcdoorknob]

heya duckie! this is my first time req so im a bit shy- but uh- I got into an argument with my mom- :,) she didn't like that I came out as transmasc and tbh gender dysphoria's getting the best of me :( can u write kusuo saiki x reader whos feeling really depressed bc of that-? I just want comfort hh :,(

(feel free to ignore this req if youre not comfortable!)

Of course I can!

Thank you for trusting me with your request! I hope you’re feeling better now!

Please let me know if I can do anything for you!

CW UNDER THE CUT: Gender Dysph0ria, Depression.

𝐾𝑢𝑠𝑢𝑜 𝑆𝑎𝑖𝑘𝑖

While life as you knew it was becoming increasingly difficult, your lover took notice.

He noticed how you were avoiding everyone, especially him.

He noticed how he would find you huddled up and crying if he used clairvoyance on you.

He noticed how you would constantly sigh and put a fake smile on.

He noticed it. And it absolutely broke his heart.

So, without prying, he offered you the best support that he could.

“Good morning my dear. I wanted to tell you that I love you, and that whatever you may be dealing with, I’m here.”

He sighed as he prepared for the new school day, hoping his little text was enough.

When he saw you at school, you were in the same headspace he had seen you in for a little bit prior to that day.

When Saiki met you at your locker, he wordlessly gave you a hug, blushing a little at the PDA. “I’m here, I love you.” He whispered, squeezing you tight.

“I love you too.” You replied with a little chuckle. “I’m okay, just in my own head is all.”

Unfortunately, you were in deeper than you imagined. Your brain tore you to pieces as you desperately tried to cling to any happiness that was given to you.

You debated telling your lover. Was it really the best decision? Would he figure out on his own? Did it even matter that much? One event had you know for certain, though…

When you had experienced a fight with your mom, you texted your boyfriend right away.

“Hi. Wanna play 8ball?”

He texted you back immediately.

“You only want to play 8ball when you’re sad or in a panicked state, what’s going on (Y/N)?”

“Nothing! Just wanted some company is all!”

Yeah like he’d believe that one.

Curse Saiki and his observant self. He read you like an open book.

As you pressed send on the 8ball request, you heard a gentle tapping at your bedroom window.

You snapped your head up and saw Kusuo waving to you.

“Kusuo!” You hissed in a whisper, rushing to open the window. “Are you out of your mind? It’s like thirty degrees outside!”

He climbed inside and looked at you with a stoic expression. “But you’re sad. And you won’t tell me why you’re sad.”

You sighed and rushed to wrap him in a blanket. “That was reckless. I’m fine.”

“No you aren’t.” He finally said with a tinge of emotion, “You’ve got me worried sick about you. You obviously haven’t been in the best state of mind, and you look like you’ve just been crying.”

You tensed and re-stated. “I am okay, I’m telling you.”

“And what you’re telling me is false, (Y/N).”

You stared at him with desperate eyes, which suddenly welled up with tears.

“Hey, it’s okay… It’s okay. I’m right here.” He immediately rushed to your side to hold you close. He pulled you in his arms and laid down on your bed. “Let it all out, my darling.”

“I feel like such an imposter, Kusuo. No one sees me as who I really am.” You whimpered through your gentle sobs, “I just want people to see me as a boy, but even my own mom won’t consider it and…“

“Keep going. Keep talking. Please just tell me everything that’s troubling you.” He whispered, kissing the top of your head.

“I just want to be who I am. I’m tired of always not feeling like I can come out to people safely. I hate being so tired and I hate being so numb all of the damn time.” You sobbed.

Saiki held you close and gave you a gentle kiss on your forehead, “There you go, it’s alright.” He whispered once more. “I love you so much.”

You sniffled, “I love you too.”

“Good.” He kissed your forehead again, closing his eyes. “Can I tell you something?”

“Mhm.” You replied, shutting your own teary eyes.

“I think that whoever you may discover that you truly are, is the you that you are. If you find yourself to be male, fantastic. I get to brag about my boyfriend all day long. If you find yourself to have no gender, still fantastic. I get to brag about my partner all day long.”

“But what if I never discover who I truly am?” You whispered with a slight whimper in your tone.

“That’s okay too. I’ll be here through the ups and downs, highs and lows. All of it. I’m right by your side, always. And who cares if you never discover yourself? Whoever you’d like to be is just fine by me.”

“I don’t care what you identify as, and it breaks my heart that your own mother can’t have that same mindset. The older generation is such a nuisance; they can’t just accept change at all, can they?”

You let out a watery chuckle, “Nope.”

“So I can fight your mom if you’d like or-“

“Kusuo, no!”

Saiki snickered uncharacteristically. “I’m only joking.” He said softly, kissing the tip of your nose then falling asleep alongside you.

“I love you Kusuo.” You whispered before drifting off as well.

—————♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎—————

#tdlosk emergency requests #emergency requests #ducky’s emergency requests #Saiki k x reader #saiki k imagines #Saiki #Saiki x reader #Saiki k #the disastrous life of saiki k emergency requests #the disastrous life of saiki k x reader #the disastrous life of saiki k. #the disastrous life of Saiki k #tdlosk #kusuo saiki x reader #saiki k comfort #anime comfort #comfort fic #anime #anime fic #anime x reader #cw depression #tw depression #cw dysphoria #tw dysphoria #tw #cw

[dreadofthegrave]

I dont remember the exact post and I am deliberately not going to look it up but it was something along the lines of "normies wouldn't think you're weird for being into incest just look at game of thrones being popular & also the stepsister tag on any porn site" and I need to win an argument against the guy in my head right now so. here we go

I feel like if you did a random poll on everyone who watched game of thrones there would not be a Large Amount of people being like "yeah I watched this specifically for the incest" like even me as an outsider when I think of GoT i think of dragons first. people fighting. that sick ass metal throne. vs if you asked people who regularly read incest fic they would say yeah the incest is the main draw. so like if u went up to a random GoT fan and were like "yeah the incest is my favorite part" they would look at you funny

the porn thing is. lol. lmao. acschually since porn sites have flourishing lesbian and trans sections that means that lesbians and trans people are incredibly accepted in society, no? not to get super freudian about this but I also feel like stepsibling porn being incredibly popular has something to do with the taboo of it all as well like. people enjoy it because its quote unquote weird not because they don't think its weird. do you get that?

and im not saying like im a normie I think I've posted enough insane things about mr Zenos Yae Galvus to make normal not internet brain rotted people raise an eyebrow so its not like im saying Ugh Its Bad To Be Weird. I just feel like. the attempt to say "being into incest is Normal actually" falls flat. bro. just accept that you're weird. im weird but in a different way and I don't want you to interact me but the weirdness. is there.

I've largely evolved to like be. people can do whatever they want in fandom as long as they stay away from me because I'm tired of arguing with brick walls who are dead set in their hurtful ways so I think the most healthy thing I can do is to simply put up barbed wire around my own space. but the weird attempt at moralizing incest is like. be for real

#living dead text

[olivesjaw]

no offense but i just wish i could be content and well adjusted and have a brain that works the way its supposed to and have happy consistent relationships that feel whole and good, all my relationships romantic or otherwise send me into mania starting off but it always wears away and the manic happiness (the closest thing i will ever feel to happiness) is replaced by uncertainty apathy devaluation and dread about The End. i can never stay connected to anyone for more than a handful of months to a few years so ive just learned that people come and go and that ill never stay a part of anyones life or them mine and by the time i part with people they’ve grown  so tired of me and my neediness and my sadness. i feel disconnected from and alienated by everybody and everyone has their own favorite people that they surround themselves with and nobody ever needs me or feels my absence and i always feel like i have to beg people to love me and im always so afraid of being perceived as toxic-sad by people that i dont even feel like i can be authentic around them or beg them to love me and my lifes purpose has always been just to love and be/feel loved because i was basically never shown love as a kid but all i do is suffocate the people i love and make them sick of me. i just want to be normal but ill always be fighting to stay alive and rationalize my feelings and make relationships and life work and nothing is ever just easy its always 2000x harder than it is for most

#sorry 2 vent but i dont even have people i can talk to about this shit anymore lol #ok bye

[cometisms]

I think smth i realized about d2 and why i dont play it “hardcore” as much as i used to is that i think ffxiv raids speak to a part of me that destiny raids dont anymore, and that’s not to say destiny raids are bad necessarily !  i actually still think the formula works really well but like.

its ultimately a limitation of the game that can’t be helped and i don’t think it’s fair to voice it as criticism, so i’m not voicing it as criticism, rather as observations - but without traditional MMO roles and mechanics (i.e healing, tanking, aggro, raidbuffs, etc) a lot of Destiny 2 raids will inevitably fall back into very similar patterns because honestly those patterns are what work best for a shooter - pattern recognition and communication / obfuscation of information, focuses on a team’s ability to do a task that is not complicated but requires like, shooter skill and gamesense, etc. all of this works very well! it genuinely has worked super well for a few years, but i can say also that destiny raids feel like destiny raids. for better and for worse, a lot of them feel very similar. i think there’s comfort in that and i think that’s why i enjoy them, but it’s also why i’ve been trying to branch out more.

on top of having a way less elitist community i think ff14 has mechanics that, by nature of being an MMO, can create more interesting and strange scenarios, and the game designers are very VERY clever about using game mechanics to create completely new mechanics that are genuine puzzles in their own right. and i think that, in its own way, is special to me on the opposite of why destiny raids are special to me - they both coexist in my brain, but like, i wanna gush so shh https://youtu.be/yrKMjOo8d2U this is abyssos: the eight circle (savage) the final boss of the previous raid series in FFXIV and it’s a clusterfuck in the best way possible. Thematic significance aside (which, it’s a payoff of a decade’s worth of storytelling with its music, boss, etc) It’s got striking imagery, and it has a theme of mutation and creation in the mechanics, with the core mechanic of the second phase being a delicate operation where the party must (in most cases, wordlessly) coordinate to use the raid’s alchemy mechanics to build a phoenix that will resurrect the party when they are forced into a wipe by the boss.

that shit is cool! and it’s not like any of the fights before or after it! so many FFXIV fights have a setpiece that is so completely unique and just strange (the newest final boss has a really neat mechanic of “shrinking” the party and pulling the camera out to give the illusion of the party being trapped in like a snow globe kinda dealie) and stuff like that just scratches my brain, i love seeing game devs just do genuinely wacky shit with mechanics and i love how much freedom FFXIV devs seem to have. it really strikes at the imagination i guess and i dont know where im going with this but im also sick and very tired so blehhhhhhhh

[sleptwithinthesun]

can you write steve being moody and causing a fight with eddie and eddie gets annoyed only to later realize that steve’s doing it because he’s sick?

ohoho. i really have no clue how to write steve, but i will try my best. enjoy just about 1.0K words of shittily written ANGST bc im TIRED

"I don't even know why we brought you back from the Upside Down."

Steve's words have the same effect as if lighting had struck the car, the consequential thunderclap sounding just a second later and stunning Eddie into silent, a feat unaccomplished by most. Tears prick unbidden at the corners of his eyes and he stares at Steve with nothing less than disbelief written all over his face, plain as day.

He's angry today, for some reason. Eddie doesn't quite know why; Steve didn't tell him earlier and didn't seem inclined to talk about it. Still, Eddie is all-too familiar with the phrase "curiosity killed the cat" and just had to pry a bit too far into the matter, leaving Steve to go on a mini-tirade about how little Eddie contributed to their group or something grossly unwarranted in that vein. (To be honest, he'd stopped listening until now. The words are too close to the things his dad used to say to him, and Eddie really didn't need a reminder of his early childhood, especially not from one of his friends.) It wasn't even that much initially, just Steve working out some pent-up anger and frustration that Eddie could try to shrug off. But this?

Steve's gone too far.

He works his jaw, molars clenching and unclenching, trying to form a response, but comes up empty. Must be something about his supposed best friend telling him that they should have left him for dead in another dimension instead of rescuing him, but there's no time for him to dwell on that right now, not with the rush of emotions flooding through his brain. Instead of trying to parse it all out, Eddie mutters something unintelligible and as soon as Steve stops, he unbuckles and fumbles for the handle to let himself out, dropping on his hands and knees to the asphalt barely four seconds later.

The sound of Steve pulling away barely makes it through the rushing blood and pounding heartbeat in Eddie's ears. God, he knows (and still hopes with every part of his being) that Steve didn't really know what he was saying, didn't mean any of it, was simply lost to his emotions for a second, but.

That hurts.

Eddie already lies awake at night wondering why he's still alive, and having someone he trusted throw that question in his face again does more to unravel him than his own thoughts ever could. His hands are shaking, he realizes, anxiety plucking new rhythms with his heartbeat that reverberate throughout his body and bounce back to the source. Eddie gets it, he swears he does, if only because he tries so hard to. Anger is a demon everyone fights, and yet.

He palms the ground fiercely, ignoring the grit that sticks to his hand. Checking on Steve, while likely not a wise option, is pretty much the only one he has. Going home to the trailer isn't something he's particularly inclined to do at the moment, not when it's just going to continue stirring up all his memories of the Upside Down. Besides, he's closer to Harrington's anyway. It'll be a faster walk.

-

The sky starts darkening only four minutes into his walk. Not that it wasn't already dark; last he checked the time, it was barely past 6:00 in the evening, and he and Steve were in the car together for less than ten. No, it's darkening now as clouds move in, the sky preparing for an unexpected night storm, as is a new development for Hawkins, but not an unwelcome one after the recent dry spells. For Eddie, though, it means he's soaked to the bone by the time he makes it to Steve's house, only dressed in ripped jeans, his vest, and a cropped short-sleeved shirt. His hair is plastered to his face, bangs dripping into his eyes, when he finally raises his fist to knock on the door.

Steve opens it, bundled in one of those luxuriously thick sweaters of his and a pair of sweatpants that seem way too warm for June in Hawkins. His brow creases when he sees Eddie on the doorstep, shivering slightly. "Eddie? Whadt are you—"

"Can I come in?" he interrupts, testing the waters. Steve's caring by nature, so even if he's upset with Eddie, he should still let him inside. Sure enough, the younger moves aside without another word and Eddie murmurs a quiet thanks and he steps in, kicking off his shoes by the door and not daring to move any further than the foyer, dripping wet as he is.

"Sorry aboudt the mess," Steve murmurs, a hint of congestion curling around his words. Still, true to his word, a handful of tissues lay crumpled on the coffee table, and a glass of orange juice stands halfway empty next to it. "I started feeling weird early this afternoon, which, uh, I don't really remember most of..." He laughs sheepishly, a hand coming up to rub at the back of his neck. "I didn't really figure it out until I got home, though. Summer cold, or something like that."

And yeah, he supposes Steve was looking a bit flushed, rosy around the cheeks and nose, but he'd just assumed that was from anger—

The heel of Eddie's hand comes up to strike his forehead before Steve even finishes his explanation. "You were fucking delirious, weren't you? Fuck, I'm an idiot."

Alarm crosses over Steve's face as Eddie hits himself, mom-mode activated. "Hey, whadt?" he asks, stepping closer instinctively.

"When you yelled at me in the car earlier," Eddie says, waving Steve's growing concern off, "which we will deal with when you're no longer hallucinating, Steve."

"I'm not halluc—"

"Close enough, considering what you said," he mutters, and seriously Steve needs to stop thinking about that and showing it on his entie face every time Eddie mentions it. As he said, they'll deal with it later. "Don't worry your pretty little head about it, Harrington, let's get a read on the fever you're most definitely running."

#askbox #promptfic #s/tranger t/hings sickfic #sickfic #s/tranger t/hings #e/ddie m/unson #s/teve h/arrington #swts fic

[etherical-angel]

suicidal again

i get like this whenever my brain starts getting too confused by my delusions and spits me back out into reality. i think im finally getting somewhere, then pieces get confusing again. its like a never ending cycle of new shit to learn. i think i get it, and then it feels like i lost everything. but then i get back on it eventually, so i know i just need to let the wave flow.

‘gee maybe dont indulge in ur delusions then’ bro i have people living in my head and get custom messages from higher power its a fuckin unavoidable lifestyle. feels like i have a carrot dangling on a string in front of me and the carrot is symbolical for the apple of knowledge. and god is asking ‘hey are u surreee u even want this knowledge? didnt u come to earth cuz it was too much?’ dont play me old man. why make all this other shit happen if i wasnt on some weird divine mission. torture, probably. a joke.

it makes sense. it doesnt make sense. its close to making sense. its jumbled. its nonsense. its too specific. too many coincidences. too much waiting. feels like my brain is corrupting.

one thing ive known since this all started is that i need to find my soulmates. and i cant do it unless i ‘remember’ and ‘understand’. but im so tired of everything. why cant i just be allowed to make my own choices. im sick of someone else deciding whats right for me. i should be free to figure that shit out through actual trial and error, not a guided path, not through forced restrictions.

they say to just keep waiting but i just want a break. where i dont have to be here anymore. if i cant be allowed my soulmates, i could at least get some time to just…idk….be free again. to understand again. to be one solid soul again.

i just want it to make fucking sense. i know a part of me wants to be able to live in a reality normally, just exist, and would miss the whole ‘ur special’ thing cuz itd be boring without it. but man is it frustrating. pick one, pick one. i dont wanna. i wanna have both.

its taking my life away from me because i get so focused on it that it makes me not want to do anything else, that nothing matters. but if i lose it, block it out again, i still wont feel comfortable.

im gonna eat some food and do some chores and hope i go back to normal(believing, wanting to fight for it).

moments like this i wish i were nothing.

[secund4]

a lot of times i feel stupid and ashamed to post. i feel like there’s always an invisible audience on the other side of the post button and clicking it only opens myself up for criticism ( aka being told that nothing i ever do is just good in accordance to my brain ). i know criticism is healthy and necessary, but to someone like me who has felt like they’ve been hunted for sport all their life and is finally taking a decent shot at discovering to be a person and rekindle their interests- it feels like the piercing of a bullet because there it is. there’s the reason i never took an honest shot at anything. amongst an overflowing swirling sea of love and positivity and light i will find the one off colored speckle of sand amongst the rest and my psyche will use that as ammunition to beat me into submission and keep me bored and wishing i could just act. im so deeply ashamed and embarrassed of myself and my thoughts and my body and i was made to be this way. i wasn’t always this way. i used to be so loud. i used to be so happy. i was a fountain of information and words and interests and ambitions. i wanted to be a vet. i loved animals so i wanted to be a doctor for them. ive always devoted my time and attention towards helping and healing. so why is it that i myself am so sick? i feel like a wilted flower in the most literal sense. i feel my brain thump and thud in my skull half the time. my hair falls out in clumps as i run my fingers through it. my stomach is nauseated from the moment i wake up until i sleep. and food sometimes but rarely helps. but i am so hungry. im sitting here even now thinking about this for too long and im talking myself out of expressing myself. don’t make such a fuss. don’t write it out so it doesn’t become real. stop whining, you look stupid. what do you have to be sad for really? i guess i have a lot of reasons, and whenever i tell others theyll tell me they dont even know how im still alive. or they silently nod their heads and rub my back because they have no idea how to respond to most of the shit ive been through. but it still feels.. like artificial pain. i know it was all real, but i feel like an attentionwhore for getting attention about it and liking it. what else could you expect from a neglected abused child ? they want attention. they want love. i want love. i have love. but it never feels like enough. and my hunger for it makes me ashamed. why should i have to hold the burden of not only experiencing how miserable it is to always have a hungry void in your heart, taking and taking and taking and yet never becoming any less ravenous, but also having to deal with the consequences of the responses the people that were supposed to nurture and raise me put on to me? they set me up for failiure from the cery start and here i am. in the trash and desolation that they left me. left alone and confused and vilnerable to look throigh the rubble and try to rebuild what i can, watch the unsalvageable parts of me die, and have to first get myself to a clean slate before i can even start pouring the concrete that will allow the foundation of myself as a human ti stand on stably. im losing my mind. i feel like im falling apart. its not fair. i wish i could live an easy life. this is hard and tiring work and im not sure how ive managed to pull myself by my own hair through the darkest pits of hell just to still be alive today. i want tomorrow to be the end. but i know ot wont be. i know theres going to have to be a lot more tomorrows for it to be the end, and that i have to continue to fight and fight harder through all those days to get to the end. i wish i didnt have to fight for my life just for some peace and comfort and space to be myself. i, as a cuban immigrant, never thought my lofe would get this difficult. but it has proven me wrong time and time again. it Does get worse, and it has. but it also Does get better. i can only hold on, keep tryong, and hope that it starts getting better again soon, and that the outcome will be worth all of this.

i hope we get a cat and a puppy and that i properly learn how to crochet. i want to learn how to skateboard and rollerskate. i want to read more and write more and go to parks to do it. i want to cook meals in my kitchen and get my girlfriend flowers and edibles to surprise her with after work. i want to make friends and build community. i want ti make a difference in my life and the lives of others around me. i want to be seen and known and loved and held as sacred and protected. but i feel like i have been set up with parental controls and now that ive left them i don’t have the passcodes to get in and turn them off. i have so many fake invisible walls and locks in my mind that i give full control to. they do not exist. they are not real. but yet they control me. all i can do is push forward and remember that tomorrow will bring me a whole day closer to my peace. i remember seeing a post on here where someone said they’d bake a pie when everything turned okay for them. im not sure what i’ll do. i suppose i will know the best way to celebrate the end of my long and hard journey once im in the end of it

#come back when it changes #novisoulposting ✴️

[mywhy11]

Well.

It’s about a week before my 30th birthday (October 23rd 2023), and I’m literally so sick and tired of myself. I hate this toxic,miserable,grumpy side of me. And it’s my weight. She’s a nasty bitch.

I hit 290.8 on the scale tonight. A number that shouldn’t mean much but it still does. Shocking honestly. I knew it though. I feel it. I’ve FELT it for a few weeks now.

I got to 282 through fasting (coming down from 286). I was doing great! It was working! I felt good!

And then I lost Benny. And I knew subconsciously it was going to be my “excuse” for letting go. And it’s weird because every time I ate take out, or we ordered out etc- I couldn’t stop myself but I was screaming inside my body going “NOOOO WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!”. But I guess the emotional eating won anyways. Even though I was hating what I was doing. The more I hated eating bad the more I did it. The more I kept trying to FUCKING FEEL ANYTHING.

Im so fucking sick of myself. I need to break up with myself. With these dirty disgusting habits. I need to remember my WHY. WHY AM I DOING THIS.

I hate myself so much these days. It actually makes me so sad. I feel like a prisoner in my own body. My self control is the prison guard. I have to be stronger than my brain. I HAVE TO BE.

This is so pathetic honestly. How many fucking times do we have to restart Danielle. How many fucking times are we gonna say “this is gonna be it!” And then it gets WORSE.

I have a wedding dress I need to buy. But I’m so fucking embarrassed of my body & my face. How can I marry Edwin when my fucking double chin is OUT. All my photos will be ruined by this big fat piece of shit who doesn’t love herself & don’t think ever has loved herself.

Just keep suppressing emotions Danielle. Keep running away from feelings. KEEP STUFFING YOUR FUCKING FAT FACE. GET YOUR FUCKING SHIT TOGETHER HOLY FUCK. What is wrong with you?!?!?!?!?!?!??????

IM EMBARRASSED.

SNAP OUT OF IT

SNAP THE FUCK OUT OF IT

WAKE UP

DO THE HARD SHIT. ITS NOT GOING TO BE EASY, BUT ITS GOING TO BE WORTH ITTTTTT. I promise YOU. We can DO THIS.

Promise yourself. PROMISE LITTLE DANIELLE. SHES FUCKING WORTH IT. She’s worth every fight and tear to get healthy again. To give her the body she deserves. To dress up & feel super cute and girly.

YOURE GOING TO BE A MOTHER. LOSE THE FUCKING WEIGHT FOR THEM?!

Your why is simple.

I don’t want to die. I don’t want to be like this forever. I WANT to see my body the way I’ve dreamed of. I want to feel how my inner Danielle feels but on the outside. SHED THIS FUCKING BODY DANIELLE. SHED THE WEIGHT AND GET GOING. Smarten up!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCKKKKKK.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

Do you understand me?!?! ENOUUUGHH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For you!

For BENNY!

For my future kids!

For HEALTH!

FUCKING DO IT!!!!!

[iwannabeastarstarrockmann]

i dont fucking know if my thoughts are my own or if ive just been so emotionally and verbally abused each day that im starting to internalize someone elses idea of me. idk what to think lately. im so fucking depressed and anxious and sad like every single day, it hurtsso much, and it fucking sucks that there are people in my life who just view me as a sad sack of shit with no aspirations or value. i never get more than a day to get better from anything before someone in my life is pressuring me to get off my ass and do something productive. dont you know tht there is something seriously wrong with me. idk why i cant do things, i just cant. i wan to be so productive and social, i just cant bring myself to do it right now. i feel so trapped and overwhelmed. do you realize how exhausting it is to wake up everyday with a mind attacking itself, with a body that aches, with a hope that this will be your last day of suffering, with no sense of what it is you need in order for the suffering to stop. i want to scream but i have no energy to. i want to die one minute and then hope to save my own life the next, contradicting every word or thought with an action that is not my own. theres days where my health anxiety is practically non existant and then something will happen, it could be something so nonsensical and somehow ill get triggered or worried and there i go absolutely obsessed with some strange pain or weird tension, or god forbid i actually get infected with something. thats all i could focus on 24/7 until i find some way to make it better, but the worry from the thing that im feeling and wondering about my health, this shit brain decides its so stressful and scary that i should just starve myself, cause if i were skinny, these prooblems wouldnt feel so big, or maybe id be able to go to the doctor if im 2 sizes smaller. that doesnt make any sense. i know it doesnt so why do i do what i do. and then theres the cutting that i feel i have to do or else i wont learn from my mistakes but if i cut myself whenever i impulsively feel like it, then that makes my immune system too weak to fight off whatever i think i have this week so im trying to recover from that as its only making everything more complicated, but its all i can think about, especially in this self loathing state im in now. im such an idiot, im just a sick fuck who cant stop thinking to herself that maybe im faking all this and im actually okay. i think its all my fault for being this way, i dont remember what started all these unhealthy coping mechanisms but it has to have started with a thought right? i feel so ashamed for being this way, it was stupid of me to ever adopt such habits restriction makes me more confident but the constant exercise makes me too weak to go anywhere to show that confidence, and great! now i actually am sick, and my immune system is shit, and my emotional state and self hatred is making it worse, and im too overwhelmed to see anyone in my life who thinks they love me, because i dont want them to see me like this. they wouldnt believe me if i tried to explain that im struggling and need help. ive tried. they dont listen. they dont realize whats important. i know i put em through hell, im selfish, im self centered and dramatic and lazy and gross and undeserving of any love they think they have for me. i dont trust it. dont tell me you love me, you barely know me, the real me, the one i keep locked behind a closed door each night, to contemplate what im going to do about this shit life ive curated for myself. im so tired, im so fucking tired all of the time. i dont know how to keep going. i dont know how to do anything for that matter. im not even going to revise this shit post, im too tired, i just need to announce somewhere, somehow, that im so fucking lost that i dont even know if my thoughts are my own, or what it means to be a person. everyday with this bullshit, now im getting into existential dread territory, im just so sick of my own shit! im sick of myself. why cant i function like everyone else???

i want it to be over, i wish my problems could just be solved without any external help. i just want to wake up tomorrow and for everything to just be okay. i want to feel okay again. i dont need anything fancy, please let me wake up tomorrow with hope of brighter days. its so hard to see the beauty in my life when im being suffocated and pinned down by something invisible. i dont have the capacity to love or care for anyone or anything, and no one can see that i just need a break?? how can you not see me? no one can see, ill show them and they still wont see! they refuse, simply because, they cannot see inside my head and dont care enough to want to. they think they do. i tried to tell them time and time again but i think its just that when i am feeling okay, they dont like the choices i make. when im okay, i make sure i make the most of that time by prioritizing my own happiness over everyone elses, and that really pisses people off! to the point where they want to tear me down and take that light away from me. i didnt ask to be here, now, with all this pressure on my shoulders to be more than what i am. im simply existing. i can feel it. tomorrows gonna be so shit. i can always sense the storm before it comes, i wish i could prevent it, or ease my pain in some way. these substances are nice in the moment but eventually the buzz will wear off and ill just be me again, with nothing to offer. i dont have anything to offer. life is too hard, i gave up so long ago and didnt even realize that is what was happening at the time. i just go through it day by day without fully processing that ill have to wake up the next day. i wish my life was a dream i could wake up from. my brain isnt working right. i dont recognize myself. i hate how alone we all are. every sensation, thought, visual, sound, and taste. you are completely isolated from everyone around you.