#im so sorry but a thought was had and therefore had to be expressed

[gyuswhore]

How to Win Hearts for Dummies (the answer is lattes and banana bread)

Idol!mingyu x makeup-artist!reader

genre: fluff, angst, one sided pining

warnings: slow burn, swearing, shitty bosses, some descriptions of anxiety and breakdowns, one sided pining, reader has issues opening up (lmk if there's anything else)

13.4k words (im sorry)

plot: This apprenticeship was taking a toll on your self control in the worst possible way. Walking in 8 months ago, a resignation from your corporate job and a dream in your pocket, you made an oath to stay focused on the goal at hand and to enjoy what you did for a living for once; makeup. Except, your still stuck as an apprentice with a mentor that has no inclination for your growth.

And you’re a little bit in love with your client.

masterlist

(A/N): repost bc Tumblr wouldn’t show it in the tags!!! Thank you for clicking on this clonking my pants as I hit post ! I started working on this at the beginning of exam season and I’m posting it the night before my last exam 🥲 what a full circle moment. Also pls excuse any inconsistencies or grammatical errors, my beta reader, unlike me, actually cares ab her grades and is in the beginning of exam season and therefore will not be able to read through this monstrosity for a while lmao. Enjoy hehe

Edit: I’ve just realised how many mistakes and grammatical errors I’ve made throughout the fic, serves me right for proofreading at 3 AM after a stats exam. I’ll try to fix them all asap!!! 

The camera goes off again with a distinct click. And again. And again. And again.

The camera had gone off innumerable times since Mingyu walked out in another themed ensemble, and you were there, watching, through all of it.

You watched as he kept switching positions, rotating his body and his head. Morphing his features into more variations of dazed and serious than you thought could ever exist.

Standing there, at the portable table behind the main setup, attempting to clean a lip brush that would be needed soon when the inevitable call for-

“Makeup over here! We’re taking 5”

You note your sluggish pace as you snap out of your daze and scrubbing harder with the removal cloth. Snapping your head down, hoping nobody noticed your incessant heart eyes, you realize you were in trouble now.

‘Y/n, you’ve been cleaning that brush since I left 10 minutes ago!’ The senior makeup artist snapped.

You finish up the brush in hand and quickly hand her what she needs, not before rummaging for the tiny pot of lip product you absent-mindedly packed away.

‘Sorry, really sorry’ you choke out before she leaves in her badly concealed irritated expression. You see her make a beeline for a waiting Mingyu, who adorably squats for the woman so she has better access.

This apprenticeship was taking a toll on your self control in the worst possible way. Walking in 8 months ago, a resignation from your corporate job and a dream in your pocket, you made an oath to stay focused on the goal at hand and to enjoy what you did for a living for once; makeup. Except, your still stuck as an apprentice with a mentor that has no inclination for your growth.

And you’re a little bit in love with your client.

It's not that you were overage (your mother begs to differ), but considering you were on your second big girl job and still no sign of a potential lover, the prospect was starting to weigh on your head. The first rattling experience was when one of your closest friends announced her engagement, your thoughts still stuck in a 19 year old you considered she was too young. She was not, in fact, 19, or too young, but a perfectly acceptable age to consider marriage with someone she loved, you had soon realized. You were never one for the dating scene, but you were always one to don your Dr. Love labcoat whenever an emotionally bruised friend would come seeking help. You were good at advice, but awfully bad at applying it yourself.

Coming into this job, surrounded by a plethora of beautiful people, your heart would be of stone if it weren’t to waver.

The gong of unattainability had struck the second you laid eyes on Mingyu, laughing at something Hoshi had shown him on the phone. There he was, hair and makeup-less, looking like he had just rolled out of bed (which he had), and beautiful as ever. Beginning this new chapter with a bang, only problem was that it turned into an 8 month shoot out. Having encountered a number of gorgeous people, you’d learned to appreciate their genetic lottery pull and move on. But never had a single look left you as breathless and unbeared as that one, fateful look at Mingyu. One of the team members was busy assuring you not to worry too much about the pandemonium in the dressing room, that everyone would handle it and you were only asked to observe and help with smaller things as instructed; for now. You weren’t listening too hard though.

You were now adjusted to the chaos that comeback season and 13 men plus staff in a microscopic dressing room brought about. But you will never forget how in the midst of your first rain of hell, Mingyu had asked you to pass his phone.

‘Please?’ He had said, and you slammed your hand with a force of a woman infatuated on the table behind you and (literally) breathed out the first thing you had ever said to him.

‘Here’

He smiled and gave you a quick ‘thanks’.

There was no coming back after he flashed you those irresistible canines, and to this day, you wonder what nation you saved in a previous life to be able to have him know your name, hear it roll off his tongue in his pretty voice as he asks you to fix his smudged eyeliner.

You sigh defeatedly before your mentor slash irritated makeup artist shoves her load back in your hands and instructs you to come inside to pack up. It’s become routine for you now, as you begin to pack up the bigger palettes and tools, handing a ready-to-go-home Junhui the pack of makeup wipes he asked for, zipping up bags and closing tubs of outfits. It's an organized chaos but one everybody has grown to work around.

Mingyu is done before you, as he removes his jewelry and begins to shrug off his jacket. You scramble to find the clothes he came in and his coat, pointedly ignoring the familiar scent of wood. He thanks you and shucks off the remainder of his clothing, he might be used to stripping in front of professional staff, but you look away regardless for your own sanity.

Helping the last stylists hang the final jacket, you grab your bag and get ready to leave in your own car. Mingyu has left, not before throwing a “you did well, thank you!” over his shoulder at the remaining people in the room and leaving for the honking car outside.

***

Your mashing bananas in a bowl at 12 AM when you start thinking. Impulsive baking sessions had become a norm since you started working with Seventeen, needing to keep yourself occupied to stop spiraling. Mingyu was a recurring topic (surprise surprise), but one that quickly faded when you begin to think about what the future holds for you. You start mashing the banana harder. You consider the idea that you can’t complain, being in a position some of the most well seasoned pros had difficulty reaching. Being a single young woman and being allowed so close to some of the most unattainable men was seen as near impossible. You’d like to think it was your skill that got you here but can never seem to fully rule out a processing error.

It’s hard, being stuck in the same place. Your apprenticeship should have ended 2 months ago, but even if it had, you’d still be doing the same thing. The senior artist trusts no-one but a select few to work on the boys for photoshoots, events, music videos. People like you are left to sanitize sponges and clean the fallout.

You crack an egg on the counter and it splits open entirely, falling on the floor, yolk and all. Your inability to grow stays within the idea that you can’t really do your artistry like you want.

And how you never learn to crack your eggs on the bowl.

***

Showing up on the Going Seventeen set, you rush to the dressing room way earlier than you should. Being completely honest, you’re really only rushing because you want to maneuvere yourself to do Mingyu’s makeup before somebody else snags him. This was one of the very few engagements where you were occasionally allowed to take charge on makeup. Not that it was required for the show much at all; intensity and occasion wise. Your rare (possible) moment to (maybe) come into Mingyu’s organic notice was an opportunity never to be dropped by you.

You help setting up everything on the counters as the boys begin to (loudly) file in the rooms. You see Mingyu walk in and move to ask him to sit down once he’s done discarding his coat. He was first in line and you ‘happened’ to be the first one ready to begin working.

‘Is the eye makeup heavy? I just got a sty removed and I don’t know if I should be putting anything on at all.’ He asks as he sits down and you ready your damp sponge.

‘Not really, just smoothing things out. It should be fine.’ you say as you begin to press the compact on his cheek.

Your not really sure why, because you’ve never been able to muster anything above brief replies when in contact with him, but something in you pushes you to keep talking.

‘I’m surprised they even asked for us, they rarely ever do’ you continue, heart pounding so hard you’re afraid he might hear it.

He breathes out a laugh ‘Yeah. They even started advertising the show on youtube and subway stations and stuff, I didn’t know until I saw someone talk about it online’

You smile at his response ‘Well, all of you work so hard, it's about time they pull this to a high scale production’

‘It's never really work if your having fun, we try to be ourselves on here’ He replies, still smiling slightly.

You’re damn near close to collapsing on the floor at this point. This is the longest conversation you’ve ever had with him. You opt to smile in response as you start to concentrate on his eyebrows. The rest of his face is done far too soon as you zone out and do what you do best.

‘All done’ you announce as you pull away from his lips, trying not to have yoour gaze linger.

“Y/n! Can you start on Vernon if you're done?’, another artist calls from behind.

‘Yeah, he can come up!’ you reply as Mingyu (regretfully) walks towards hair.

Just because you sew your mouth shut with Mingyu doesn’t mean it applies for the rest of them, you’re quite friendly with all of them and Vernon does well to remind you as he sits down and quips a ‘hey bestieee’ in an elongated greeting.

You audibly laugh ‘That’s another word I’ll be hearing for the next month’

‘Regretfully so’ He feigns sympathy.

‘Be quiet and look up’ you say with a fond smile before you get started on him.

***

You sit on the floor in front of your television, trail mix on the coffee table as the movie plays as background noise for your thoughts - again.

There’s a smile on your face, but you dont notice as you think about the small talk you made with Mingyu today, wondering if it could become a regular occurrence if you learned to keep your heart and mind in check.  

You were never one to stand up and take effort to do what was right for you, which is why you were talked into choosing Business Administration by your friend in highschool, who you never speak to now because she decided to ditch you for another group who were more inclined to shuttle themselves to liver failure by partying every last weekend in your entire college career. You were talked into applying to corporate jobs by your counsellors as you started looking for make-up courses, needing to abandon your dream for the second time when you landed a decent entry level desk job. It took years before you decided to choose yourself for once and made the big leap after multiple courses you had took on the side. Life was starting to look bright after getting hired here, but you’re not sure if you overrode a high or if you went back to your old zipped mouth state after you settled in. Never sure if you expected too much or if things really were as stagnant as they felt.

***

Overmanifestation can be a thing. You're not really sure how it works but you’re reaping what you’ve sowed right about now.

You’re currently standing in an offside corridor in a hotel lobby, clad in a pretty white floral dress, and a nervous, fidgety Mingyu standing in front of you.

'I know I'm asking you to do something difficult and I know it seems pointless because I'm not doing anything wrong either that you have to lie about it'

This was supposed to be a staycation with your friends for you to relax and get your mind off things. Your ticket to relaxation has become a nightmare.

'And I understand I'm being super unreasonable but I'm really trying to keep it on the down-low as we get to know each other'

You were waiting with your friends on the couches positively stuffing your faces with the complimentary chocolate bowl placed on the coffee table as a couple other friends checked you guys into your rooms. You were laughing and talking with your group, carefree and ready to have a week of well deserved rest.

That was the plan anyway. Until you see someone across the lobby, also in line at check in. He had an unmistakable toothy smile,and was hand in hand with a concealed brunette.

Your smile abruptly falls in disbelief as you feel your world halt around you.

The same hands come up to brush the hair out of the woman's face to place a kiss on her temple, smiling wide.

The nauseating feeling of ice going down your spine is becoming more and more apparent. You attempt to swallow the lump in your throat but it's like trying to swallow a brick. You lick your lips and attempt to look away but your eyes keep feeding on the picture you painted yourself in your worst nightmares. Realizing you're on the brink of possible hyperventilation, your friend drops her head and asks you if you're okay. You look up at her, not knowing what to say as you realize that nodding furiously will convince her.

Mingyu has a girlfriend.

Of course he would. What were you thinking? This man is one of the most eligible bachelors in the country, why on earth would he be single? You’re unhinged, you decide, for thinking you may have a chance, when the woman turns around and you see her in full. She’s gorgeous.

A part of you still wants to believe that you're officially past the point of sanity and that you've begun to see Mingyu in every tall man. The universe, however, is cruel. He pushes his head up and in your general direction, and locks eyes with you in unmistakable recognition.

He stops smiling.

So here you are listening to Mingyu asking you to keep this a secret from the company, to forget the woman waiting for him in the lobby.

You can only nod in slight motions as he goes on his rant to justify his oath to secrecy, managing a tight lipped smile as you miraculously find your voice, hoarse as it may be.

'Don't worry about it, I understand' - ouch - 'it's none of my business anyway. I'll keep my lips sealed, I promise'

'Thank you, thank you, thank you I appreciate it so much, you don't even know. I'll repay you soon I promise'

'No, please, it's not-'

'No, Y/n I will. You're being really good to me right now and I'm so grateful. I'm sorry for putting you through this while you're off from work and with friends. It's worth to me that your listening and understanding'

You're tired. You want nothing but for him to stop talking. So you smile again and shake your head.

'I'm sure your friends are waiting, I won't keep you. I'll see you soon though!'

And with that he leaves. Back to the lobby where you see him take the woman by hand once again. You watch again as they walk to the elevators, stepping in and disappearing when the doors close. You watch the floor number rise.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5…

You walk back to your laughing friends before you can see where they got off.

***

Retiring to your shared hotel room with Chaeyoung, you fall back first into the crisp sheets and mattress.

'Why're you so depressed dude, did Mingyu say something to you?' She asks, a slight line forming between her brows.

'I'm fine, I've been up since 5 today it's just fatigue hitting me right now' you reassure, like always. 'I might not go to dinner with you guys, might end up with my face in the soup at some point'

Chaeyoung hums. ‘Take the night off so you can gear up for the rest of the week. I'm letting you off for now but I expect full attendance for eveything else we do', finishing with a mocking stern look.

'Yes ma'am' you feign salute from the bed, mimicking her stern tone.

You've known Chaeyoung for quite a while now, meeting her in your last year of uni. Trusting her as you do, you were never fully able to fess up about your feelings for Mingyu. Fear of judgment wasn't the problem, but more so the strange feeling of shame that overcomes you when you think about talking about it with other people. It's quite beyond you, why you act this way. You loved your friends and you knew they would support you with everything, they'd proved it when you'd made one of the most difficult decisions of your life while leaving your job. But the idea of having the audacity to love someone who could never do the same seemed like a feat of embarrassment.

Who are you, y/n? Who are you to have foolish dreams of a girl in love? With someone clearly fit for all things greater than you?

Maybe this was a good thing, you thought, the weird feeling in your stomach returning. Maybe this was the universe telling you to give up and move on, a kind of rejection that keeps your dignity. This was nothing but a reality check, a sign from whatever wants best for you, to bring your attention back to what brought you to Mingyu in the first place.

***

You didn’t see Mingyu for the rest of the trip, which you were grateful for not knowing how you’d react if you had to see him so soon after, that.

Back massaged and head clearer than it had been for weeks, you feel more in control of your feelings and thoughts regarding your life. You hope the conversation with Mingyu was the last stressful thing you’d encounter for a while.

It’s almost comeback season, you realise as you see the new concept photos while scrolling on your couch at home. This meant insanely early mornings for weeks on end, but you had to push through for your own sake. You’d come out of multiple comebacks needing a brace for a month but you wouldn’t trade it for the world. Never realising the true meaning of learning through experience, you were enlightened as you entered this new, very hands on field. The concept looked interesting, hoping the scraps of makeup you’d be allowed to do would be fun for you.

That ended up being true when you were, for the first time, asked to do Hoshi’s full makeup for their first comeback broadcast.

Your stumped silence was short lived as you hastily oblige and get the chair ready for him. You’d looked at the demo sheets and face charts too much for someone who wasn’t actually going to be asked to do much, but you see it pay off as you finish his eyes and get started on the rest of his face. It was easy for you to zone out as Soonyoung had passed out not even 5 minutes in, having someone hold his face as you worked.

You felt your chest swell with an indesipherable feeling as you watched him get up with your mastery on his face; pride, was it? You were getting emotional for no reason. Your attention, however, is moved sharply when you hear someone tell Mingyu it was his turn, finding him plopped on your chair staring straight into nothingness as he’d just been rudely awoken from his nap. He doesn’t realise it’s you for a solid minute as he tried to remember his own name.

‘Oh, hello’ he says, sort of confused. ‘Sorry, just give me minute’, he mumbles as he rubs his eyes.

He stretches back onto his seat signalling he’s ready for you to get started. You trying not to feel too much in your stomach as you begin.

You’re powdering his forehead when he says “I know I already said this but I really appreciate what you’re doing”

You know he’s talking about the conversation at the hotel, you were hoping you could avoid it.

“I told you not to worry about it, honest.” You reply, and somehow manage to choke out “It makes me happy that you’re happy”

You can see him trying to fight a smile, “Thank you for saying that”.

You wanted to stab someone. But you opt for gently brushing a base colour across his eyes.

“Do any of us know her, by any chance?” You ask cautiously.

“I dont think so. We met through mutual friends at a Christmas dinner, we didn’t start talking till she had to bring me a bunch of papers I’d left at my mom’s that day.” his face depicts someone reminiscing a fond memory.

It was cute, how it seemed like fate was trying to bring them together. It would've been cuter if you weren’t in a one sided pining with one of the two lovers.

“Well, I hope it works out for the both of you”

No you don’t.

“I hope so too”

You don’t hope that at all.

You felt guilty, feeling all of this. Hated that this was your first response to him wanting to be happy. Never would you have imagined stooping this low, hoping his happiness doesn’t work out for your sake. You’d like to owe it this being your first real infatuation, but you can’t help but wonder if this was really what you thought.

You decided to focus on the good news for today, that you’re finally allowed to do your actual job. You can only hope this wasn’t a temporary advancement, allowing time to tell.

Things remained the same the following day, much to your absolute elation. You were done doing 4 people’s makeup and was just winding down to take a break, quite satisfied with yourself. You observed as the rest of the boys got their hair done and run around, half in their outfits. You stifle a snort as you watch Jeonghan hide Minghao’s socks in his pockets as the boy tried to find them to put his shoes on, the former continuing to sip on his coffee seemingly unaware.

“Y/n, have you seen my socks? The green ones with the leaves on it?” Hao inevitable asks you.

You’re forced to feign confusion when Jeonghan pokes his head behind him signalling you to keep up the charade. He continues to look and you’re just about to have mercy on the poor boy before a to-go cup of coffee is shoved in front of your face.

You look up at the person and it’s Mingyu extending his arm at you expectantly.

“Oh, I didn’t order anything” you start, thinking you’re clearing up a confusion.

“I know you didn’t, got one for you anyway.”

There’s a record screech in your brain as you absorb his words.

“Think of it as me trying to repay the favour”

Oh. I see.

You’re a little embarrassed thinking he’d get one for you in that way, not when he had someone waiting on him. You accept the cup and mumble a thank you as he unexpectedly plants himself on the couch next to you.

“I saw you drinking lattes a lot of the times, so I just got you that. Hope that’s okay”.

Your silent for a moment before replying “Yes!” a little bit too loudly, eyes widening a little realisng your lack of volume control.

He knows your coffee order.

“Yes,” you say again in a normal tone and a slight laugh to cover up your inability to read the room, “They’re my favourite actually”

Kim Mingyu knows you like latte’s. This wasn’t good for your delusional brain.

Your conversation is cut short when the boys are called for roll call before they can prepare for the actual stage. You watch him get up and leave to file into the overstuffed elevators, not before he throws you the most adorable wave you’ve ever seen. You can’t hold back your smile as you wave back and look down at the drink he got you before taking a sip.

***

As it turns out, you did makeup for the rest of their comeback season, and Mingyu, without fail, got you an iced latte every single day before leaving to go on stage.

You tried to get him to stop, but he was rooted in his position and you didn’t have it in you to say no to his pleading eyes. It was a re-charge for you, when you’d seen him break into a happy smile, prominent canines that you’d grown to adore. He’d done more than enough to ‘repay’ you for swearing to secrecy, and you felt like you too, should  should repay him the balance.

So here you were, making banana bread in your kitchen again, careful to remember to crack your eggs on the rim of your mixing bowl instead of slamming them on the counter. You’re stirring the flour in when a classified devious thought occurs to you.

These past two weeks were pivotal for both you and Mingyu, daily coffee’s meant daily conversations, which meant getting to know one another more. You’d exchanged phone numbers in the midst of all of this, to which ensued the agenda of staying up till midnight talking to each other about the meaning of life.

Setting down the whisk, you pick up your phone and sent the text before you chickened out.

[You]: I have a surprise for you.

[You]: You wanna come over? It’s better enjoyed fresh lol

[Mingyu]: Ma’am? 👁👁

[Mingyu]: That sounds a whole lot like a booty call

[You]: *attachment*

[Mingyu]: IS THAT CAKE??

[Mingyu]: omw 😮‍💨

You send the location and set your phone down, a jittery feeling going through your entire body. There’s a spring in your step as you slide the loaf into the oven and set a timer. You turn around your kitchen island and register the pigsty that is your apartment. The girls were over the night before and you had done nothing to enlighten the aftermath, pillows strewn across the entire living room and snack wrappers in places you’re not sure how they landed.

By the time you’re done and spritzed the place with some of your nicer perfumes, your taking the loaf out of the oven and on a rack to cool.

Ever the punctual man, you hear the doorbell ring just as your taking your oven mitts off.

Hoping you’ve done enough to your apartment to save yourself from embarrassment, you collect yourself and open the door for him through your ringcam. He’s barely through when your rushing towards your doorway.

“Hi!”

“Hey,” he grunts as he tries to slip off his shoes.

“‘aight, where’s my cake?” he demands once he’s done giving you a quick hug.

You roll your eyes and usher him to the kitchen, “First of all, appreciate how excited you are to see me, and second, its banana bread not cake, sorry to burst your bubble”

He responds to your grumbling with an “Oh come on, you can't put freshly baked goods on the agenda and expect me to pay particular attention to anything else”.

He has his trademarked grin and cheesy stare out on display like its nobody’s business, you want to slap it off of him in the most loving way possible, but you settle with a tiny “shut up”.

“I brought warm coffee this time, thought it’d go better” He sets the to-go carrier on the kitchen counter, following you to where you were attempting to slice the still hot banana bread on a tray.

“Oh, that was a good idea” you say.

“Where’re your plates and forks?” he asks, pulling out the drawers and cabinets you signal to.

It all felt too domestic for your weak heart to handle. Not to say it didn’t warm you to the core how comfortable he felt in your space, you did, more than you’d care to admit. But he needed to tone it down before you required an organ transplant.

You were seated on the floor, butts parked on floor cushions, backs against the couch. The coffee table held all of your goods while you both argued on which movie to watch.

“I can’t believe you haven’t watched any of the Harry Potter movies! No, we’re watching philosopher’s stone, I don’t care!” You shout in disbelief, already typing it into the search bar on the TV.

“Philly-philo- bro I can’t even pronounce it why would I watch that?!” He yells back, snatching the remote from you.

You’re both a giggling, screaming mess on the floor as you keep trying to steal the remote from each other, not stopping until one of you bumps into the table and you almost spill hot coffee all over yourselves.

You decide to call a truce and pick another movie entirely.

Just as you’re pressing play, Mingyu takes a bite of the still (surprisingly) warm banana bread and you watch as his eyes roll to the back of his head.

“This is so good” He says, his faced furrowed as he goes in for another bite. “Did you lace this with something, why is this so good?”

You’re biting back a snarky remark but you let it rip anyway; “It’s cuz these pretty hands made it”

You splay your hands out in front of your face, like your showing him your rings, fingers wiggling and a cheeky smile on your face.

He looks unimpressed as he scoffs. He swallows before saying: “At least you didn’t call the secret ingredient love or something”

“Excuse you, I’m pretty sure I heard you say that in some Gose episode” You remark.

He turns to you, all smug: “So your saying you watch Gose? Like, regularly?”

You immediately turn away from his taunting smirk, “Sometimes, if it shows up on my home page”

You take a sip of your latte before he asks you another sweat producing question.

“Oh, but you pay attention to me the most don’t you? Don’t you?”

He’s poking fun at you, you know that. But a paranoid part of you can’t help but think he’s onto you and your feelings.

So you say something maybe a little bit below the belt.

“You sure have a knack for seeking validation from the world when you have a partner already giving that to you”

The words tumble out of your mouth before you know it. In your defence, you're doing this for a greater cause, but it's still a relief when you see him comically gasp, hand to his diaphragm.

“Just because your alone in life, doesn’t mean you need to be salty about other people receiving actual love” He spits back.

Your sputtering trying to think of a response. Deserved.

He grabs a slice of the bread and shoves into your mouth to shut you up once and for all. You’re left chewing the mouthful and staring at him in shock.

He giggles and takes a sip of coffee, satisfied with himself. When he sets it down he opens his mouth to speak. Closes it again, like he re-evaluating, and finally decides to say something. He’s serious now.

“Ji Eun and I, decided it wasn’t gonna work out between us”.

Oh.

“Oh.”

He blows a raspberry and lets out a meek laugh.

“Yeah, oh. It’s whatever, it wasn’t meant to work out. Better sooner than later.”

You’re trying to find the words to reply or comfort him.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” You ask him, being careful to not lace your voice with pity, but more neutral and open. “You don’t have to, obviously, but it might be better to talk about what’s bothering you”

He pauses for a moment before starting.

“She wasn’t sitting very well with the idea that she had to share me. Like at all. She wouldn’t say it but she’d get mildly infuriated when I’d blow the fans a kiss or something, or interacted with the staff too much. I was getting home quite late certain days during comeback season and I’d find her outside the dorm at like 11 PM. It was embarrassing when all of the other members would see her there, obviously upset and basically yelling at me for, for - for literally just doing my job.I guess all the smaller things just started piling and she couldn’t take it. I tried so hard to make sure she felt wanted and secure in the relationship but nothing felt like it was ever enough. She was evasive or confrontational all at the wrong times and it came to a point- its a horrible thought to have in a relationship - but I was terrified she’d do something rash and I’d wake up to my face on articles for some reason - again”

You recollected the past couple years when Mingyu was thrown around in the media for a new accusation seemingly everyday. You weren’t involved with anything regarding the industry back then, but you’d heard enough news to be aware of what was happening.

Your heart swelled with sadness as you heard him talk, he sounded like he was trying- trying hard to be good enough. All for a person who seemed to have their priorities set somewhere else.

“She was amazing; kind and happy and confident. She treated my parents with respect, she was best friends with my sister. I know we only lasted like 3 months but at some point I really considered that she could be the one. But then the problems started and I realized she was only becoming an added factor to stress and anxiety for me more than anything else.

“I liked her because she was so family oriented, and I thought that was what would fit me because I’m like that too. But, I guess I’m just a different kind of oriented? I don’t know. I have a job that’s both interpersonal and unpredictable. There’s days where I don’t wanna get up and do work but I still love it nonetheless. I guess she just expected me to have a predictable, stable 9 to 5. Home in time for dinner, not requiring interaction with too many people; basically everything I can’t be.”

He’s silent for a moment.

You start talking after a couple beats.

“I really hope you aren’t taking this like it’s your fault. She made a choice to put up with your work, knowing how it would be for the both you. You tried your best but she made you feel like your best wasn’t good enough. I dunno about you, but that sounds like a really problematic conclusion. If she truly cared for you and what you love, she would never have been this unsupportive or not understanding”.

He’s listening to you, his expression is blank but you can tell he’s absorbing your words.

“I’d like to think I had realized that. But being completely honest, I’m not really sure when my thoughts go back to me thinking I’m the problem all the time.”

He manages a smile, a wide one, as he looks up to make eye contact with you; “But I know it’ll take me some time to really start believing that it’s not entirely my fault. We just weren’t compatible, and that’s fine. We left on good terms, and I’m happy about that.”

You smile with him as he finishes, but your a little confused when he starts sliding closer and down the cushions.

He sets his head on your shoulder.

You may have shortcircuited right then and there.

“Is this okay?” he asks you quietly, attention finally diverted to the half played movie.

You realise he asked you a question and you have to answer.

“Yeah, this is fine” You breathe out, somehow, by the graces of God himself.

No, you weren’t fine at all. You felt like the universe had flipped a faulty switch, mixed up the scripts, lost the plot, something. But as you get used to the weight of Mingyu’s head on your shoulder, you pray it won’t come back to haunt you in another chapter.

***

Your routine became inverted in the sense that, what you once had to plan out so intricately, is unfolding with no effort from you at all.

You find that Mingyu waits for you to be done with somebody else so you can do his makeup, instead of sitting on another free chair. He’d come to you specifically to touch up his makeup instead of going to an artist he saw closer to him. He never forgot to get you a coffee whenever it was that he saw you.

Mingyu hadn’t slept over that night, instead leaving in his car despite the 1 AM drizzle and your insistence for him to stay until the pour recedes.

Maybe it was better for you that he hadn’t stayed that night. Something about how you grew so close ‘organically’ made you feel like this wasn’t all in your head, that he’s choosing to be your friend.

You’re handing him his clothes as he begins to change, using the excuse to whisper to him;

“I was gonna try a new brownie recipe tonight, if you’re free you can come over?”

“I think I have somewhere to be after this but I’m free after, How’s 6?”

So there you are, back in your kitchen folding chocolate chunks into your brownie batter while waiting for Mingyu to get here.

Your phone dings from the island and you check to see a message from Mingyu sending you what looked like a grocery list; pasta, oregano, garlic…

[Mingyu]: Tell me what you don’t have from this

[Mingyu]: I’m at the store rn hurry up

You send him a list of what you don’t have, realising he intended to have dinner with you too.

[Mingyu]: k thanks

[Mingyu]: be there in like an hour

There’s a warm feeling that’s swelling in your chest, that makes you wanna punch a wall because your so happy. You choose self control, mostly because this apartment is on a lease but also you’d probably break your knuckles trying to punch anything harder than a foam mat.

By the time Mingyu’s here, the brownies are in the oven and you’re almost done with the icing. He unpacks the groceries (and the warm lattes) he bought while you finish up, confirming that he was trying a new pasta recipe tonight. Setting the brownies and coffee down on your usual coffee table, you decide wait a couple hours before starting on making dinner, instead choosing to hear him ramble about an idol he met at an award show.

“So, we start talking before we’re ready to go up- you weren’t there you were working on wonwoo’s makeup- and he starts complimenting me and so obviously I start complimenting him back”

He’s waving his arms around, and setting positions with coasters on the table trying to explain the setting.

“He asks me if I have a sister and I’m like… yes? Which I should’ve realised where this was going because he then” - he pauses to take a deep breath - “this absolute asshat decides it’d be funny to ask me for her number because apparently ‘if you’re this hot, I’m sure any sibling you have is too’ BRO, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SAY THAT - how are laughing at this?!”

You calm yourself down for a second to clarify, “NO! It’s just hilarious how he thought that was okay to say”

You’re still still giggling in shock when Mingyu calms down, now also laughing incredulously.

“But actually though, please tell me you smacked him” you manage.

“I would have,” he grumbles “I got called to fix my hair cuz I ruined it or something”.

“Oh well, now you know who to avoid next time,” you say as you guide a bite of brownie into his mouth, “Forget about it now, eat sugar, it’ll help”

He chews a bit before swallowing, all while you’re watching him with an endeared smile on your face.

“Y’know, I really thought you didn’t like me when you first joined the team”

You pause mid sip of your coffee, brows furrowed, “What do you mean?”

“You never really talked me, did you? You were friendly with the rest of them but it just seemed like you never wanted to enter a room if you saw me there”

You’re looking at him in utter shock, this man was mistaking your avoidant (yet also pushy) teenage crush behaviour for dislike.

He’s looking at you expectantly, a little pout on his face.

“I never disliked you, why would you think that? I promise everything was a coincidence, it was nothing like that”

“Don’t get so defensive, kinda obvious you like me now if not before” He laughs at your panicked expression.

He meant platonic like.

“I’m sorry I made you feel like that though, I’ve been told I have a pretty serious resting bitch face, it’s gotten me in trouble before” she smile sheepishly.

“It’s fine, you made up for it with that first banana bread” He says before taking another bite of brownie, “Could use more chocolate chunks”

You snort before pushing him with a sock clad foot, “Appreciate me even giving them to you” 

You fall back to the adjacent sofa.

It’s quiet for a moment. But you feel like something’s shifted in the air.

You watch as he brings his hand to the same foot, holding onto your ankles. He’s caressing the exposed skin with his fingers, moving them back and forth. His eyes are glued to yours, looking like he’s in a trance. You’re not sure how to register this new change in mood, suddenly feeling like you need to turn the aircon on during the bleak Seoul winter. Just as you're hoping you don’t start sweating, you feel his vice grip on your ankle pull your leg over with a sharp tug. You scream as you lose support of the sofa and fall back.

You sit up in shock to find him leaning with his elbows on the floor, cackling like madman.

“Mingyu, what the fuck?”

“You-” He stops to laugh again, “You should’ve seen your face, PLEASE, it was hilarious”.

You huff before getting up shoving his shoulder with your foot again, “You’ve been playing guest a little too long, maybe it’s time you get started on that pasta”

“Will I be blessed enough to be receiving her highness’s help?” He asks.

He looks like a dream, clad in his T-shirt because he claims he doesn’t get cold. Hands behind him on the floor to give him support as he stares up at you, smiling wide. He’s looking at you with eyes full of stars and glitter.

You muster up the courage to give him a nasty glare, to which he huffs at and gets up, “Such a meanie”.

It’s hard to conceal your smile as his back his turned, sachaying towards the kitchen. You want to slap him and kiss him at the same time.

Your washing veggies in the sink when you turn around catch sight of his back as he stood at the kitchen island, sorting the rest of the ingredients. You get the same overwhelming feeling in your chest again, assuming you’re deluding yourself into thinking this is what life could be like with him. In less than 3 seconds, you’ve conjured a timeline of domestic routines, to wind down with him like this every evening.

You’re still lost in thought, still incessantly staring when he turns around and catches you in the act. He does the rude thing and snaps his fingers in front of your face to pull you out of your thoughts, “You okay?”

“Yeah” You say trying to gloss it over while busying yourself trying to find your cutting board.

“Are you sure? Do you wanna sit down at the island and watch me instead. You don’t have to help -”

“Pick a knife, and shut up dingus, it’s fine”

Once your both done eating and cleaning up, Mingyu hugs you goodbye, not before asking if you’d be free for lunch next week before he got busy the following month. You quickly agree, setting a date and time, bidding your (reluctant) farewells.

***

Once back in your apartment you realize how you can’t clean up to distract yourself because Mingyu took it upon himself to clear the space with you before he left. You sigh loudly and retire into your bedroom where you don’t have to think about how empty your living room is.

Changing into your pajamas and putting a headband on, you don’t even feel like turning your music on to do your night routine. You double cleanse, tone, serum, acid and moisturise your face with added purposefulness, taking note of the crevices of your nose and the neglected bottom of your chin. Taking extra time to make sure all of the foam is out of your skin before drying your face with a tissue.

You look at your fed skin in the mirror, and feel a weird surge of tears well in your eyes. Before they can fall you slam your bathroom cabinet to busy yourself to find your melatonin gummies, shoving them in your mouth before switching off the bathroom light and retiring to your bedroom.

Slipping the headband off and sliding into bed, you’re still chewing your gummies to a paste in your mouth. Trying not to notice how heavy you’re breathing you try to find your white noise machine, the one you found advertised for infants, and turn it on before grabbing your book to read for a few extra minutes.

Your staring at the pages like you found them to be blank. You’re phone dings next to you, signalling a notification.

Picking it up you find your mental health app sending you a daily reminder.

You’re allowed to feel your emotions.

***

Winter had run its course as you find yourself in April. You never really liked the cold, having been more sensitive to a gust of wind than the average joe, you were better suited to sitting with an aircon instead of being unable to move in the middle of Korea’s January cold rush. But alas, the cherries are blossoming and your fingers have defrosted.

That isn’t what’s on your mind right now though, as you’re standing in a Sephora, arms crossed and shoulders tense. You loved shopping for makeup, but you mostly chose to do it online unless you really had to otherwise. Parking yourself in the perfume section with the scents mixing together a cocktail of nosehair doom, you really wish you’d worn a face mask. Not to mention the migraine inducing coloured lights and mainstream pop playing in the background (you swear they’ve been playing Side to Side by Ariana Grande on loop since you got here).

These were all, however, peripheral observations for you, as you stare in absolute pneumonic shock at the number written on the price tag of the perfume you’re looking at.

Now, Mingyu is a man of class, high maintenance if you will. You’re well aware he likes to spoil himself, because he has a bank account to back it up.

Your bank account is definitely full and secure, but not enough for you to justify dropping what seems like half of its contents to something only one of the five senses can experience.

Mingyu mentioned in passing how he wanted this perfume a while ago, and knowing that he hadn’t ordered it for himself just yet, you decide to be the amazing friend that you are and surprise him for his birthday.

You may be regretting that right now, but you tentatively pick up the blue, crystalline bottle and spritz a bit on a paper strip before taking a whiff. It smelled good, that’s for sure, and it suited him too. So when the saleslady came to offer assistance, after you excused the last three, you decide you’re going to do this for him.

“Yes, could I have this in the box please?”

Walking back to your car you feel a bount of jitter run through you,

Oh, he’s gonna freak out when he sees this.

He did, in fact, freak when he saw it, and his reaction made you want to give him all of the good things in the world if you could see him like this all the time.

He’s smiling ear to ear and speaking in that high pitched voice that he gets when he’s excited. He’s thanking you over and over again, smoothing the box over in his hands repeatedly, looking at the ‘from: y/n :p’ with hearts in his eyes.

“I’m gonna save this for the rest of my life” he says, with determination and a goofy grin.

You snort at the declaration, “Sure, bud”

“I’m serious. What, you wanna bet?” he replies, taking a sip of his, latte, which you proudly credit yourself for swerving him over from Americano’s.

He insisted on going out to eat at this fancy French place a day before his actual birthday as he’d be busy on the day of, but it was risky for him to be seen eating out alone with a young woman at such a fancy place. You settled for a nicer traditional Korean restaurant, that allowed you to book a room away from possible prying eyes and one that you were both comfortable with. You decided to wait till you were back in the car with your post dinner coffee’s to give him his present.

“I’m giving you 3 months before that bottle’s dry to the dregs” You affirmed, “You smell like you empty half a bottle of something off your dresser everyday anyways”

You said it as an insult, but jokes on you because you loved the way he smelled.

“Fine, I’m gonna use this so carefully I’m not replacing it for at least a year”

“A year? What happened to the rest of your life?” you refute.

“I have you for that, don’t I”

What the fuckity fuck.

He’d turned to you, leaning on the headrest, that signature cheesy look; like he was in love or something. Voice dropping a couple octaves as he said it, laced with something defined and strong - enough for it to feel like the weight of an elephant had dropped on your chest.

You gather yourself after looking at him for a couple seconds, jaw unhinged and forgotten on the floor of his car. You chose to grab your cardigan that was neatly folded on the dash, and astral project it to his face across the seat. He’s laughing so hard there’s tears glistening in the corner of his eyes. He falls forward and you see strands of his hair fall to his face, he’d been growing them out.

“Shut up” you grumble in your seat, annoyed at how easy it was for him to send your heart through and beyond your chest.

He’s still giggling like a school girl, and you cave and give him a hint of a smile.

“There it iiiis” He announces, grabbing your face and smushing your cheeks together.

For a moment, he stops to look at you like this, like he’s contemplating. For one, brain rattling, organ exploding, microsecond, you think he might even kiss you.

Instead, he headbutts you slightly rubbing his head swiftly before letting go.

“I might need to wash my hands, I think I got your makeup on me” He mumbles, looking at his hands like a child with mud soaked palms.

“Serves you right, you buffoon,” You remark as you pull out your trusty travel pack of makeup wipes.

Yanking one out of the tab, you pull his hand over and try to wipe the remnants of foundation off, starting from the heel up to each individual finger. It’s silent as you concentrate on getting it all off both hands, he was wearing black tonight and knowing him he’d rub his hand over his pants and get beige foundation all over. You knew because you’d seen him do it one too many times.

“All done” you quip, looking up and catching his stare. He’s smooth to slowly look away and retract his open hands from your lap about 5 seconds after it became noticeable.

You busy yourself by attempting to stash away the wipes to throw out later, closing the pack of wipes and shoving them back into your bag.

He’s watching you do all of this, his stare is burning holes into the side of your head. He’s desperate to say something, but you’re not sure if you want to hear.

“Let’s go back to my place. We’ll stick a candle into a sheet brownie and call it your birthday cake. Oh, we can pick up ice cream too!”, You say, costuming your voice to sound unaffected by his vibe.

And so you did stick a candle in the fresh batch of brownies you both made at 11PM, two hours before his actual birthday. Sitting across from each other on the counter, Mingyu has his eyes closed shut, hands clasped, wearing a ridiculously coloured ‘BIRTHDAY BOY’ headband you found somewhere deep in your drawers.

“You’re gonna get wax on the brownies and they're gonna be inedible, hurry up” You groan, after everytime it seems like he’s done, he clenches his eyes shut again as he remembers another thing he has to wish for.

You’re not actually annoyed, he looks the cutest he’s ever looked, but you would appreciate non waxed brownies.

When he’s finally done, he blows out the singular candle and you clap lightly, “yay!”

You’re pulling out the candle and grabbing forks, dumping a couple scoops of ice cream on before you two start eating straight out of the pan.

Its a collection of groans as you both collapse on your couch, regretting eating all that so soon after dinner. He changed out of his dinner outfit to a T-shirt and pajama pants, he’d started keeping a set of clothes in his car when it started to become routine for him to spend regular  evenings after work at your place.

You’re in your own unicorn pajama’s, slumped over on the arm rest slightly. You feel Mingyu scooch over to put his head in your lap, claiming he was “closing his eyes for a minute”.

You knew how lightning fast he passes out, so not even 5 minutes later you start to hear his light snores. As much as you want to wake him up to move him to the bed, you know he can’t stay the night. His birthday meant he had to be with the boys, and needing to head out early tomorrow.

So you give him 10 more minutes, fingers tracing the shape of his features, in his soft hair massaging his head with your nails slightly. He had a little pout on his face as he slept. Things had been hectic for him lately, having a comeback later in the month and the plethora of music and variety shows to follow.

Mingyu had been writing lyrics on the kitchen island one day, sputtering random words as you quipped in rhymes of your own without context, stirring the pot of soup on the hob at the same time.  

One particular rhyme you spew out catches him off guard and he barks out a laugh at the ridiculous combination.

“I should put you on song credits for this”

“What do you think my producer name could be?”

He thinks for a second, “Banana bread sounds stupid, um, how’s brownie?”

“Cute, and serious enough” you agree, “I’ll be expecting to see my name on that album, sir”

Snapping out of your thoughts, you turn your attention back to the sleeping man curled up in your lap. You wonder if you could fall asleep on the couch too, keep him here with you for the night. Be a little selfish. It’d be nice, making waffles for breakfast when morning comes. But he needed to be at the dorm in the morning, the boys knew where he was but managers that’d come pouring in at 7 AM sharp, did not. And it was best kept that way. The last thing Mingyu wanted, you knew, was people getting the wrong idea. The thought stung a little bit, but you knew not to mix your hopes with what reality was giving you.

So you gather the courage to slowly reign him back from dreamland.

***

Your sitting with Mingyu and Seungkwan on the couches outside the dressing rooms, a little bit before they have to go to perform. You were done with your agenda and was waiting for them to start filing out before beginning to pack up.

“No, because why does he get to eat all the good stuff right out the oven and we don’t, that’s not fair” Seungkwan complained loudy to you, a mildly offended look on his face.

“Stop being such a complain bot, you’re never happy if I have nice things” Mingyu retorts, increasingly nasty looks being exchanged for an argument about freshly baked goods.

“Oh, I’m the hater?! Let me jog your memory, who was the one sulking and shoving me around when Y/n wouldn’t let you-”

Mingyu had jumped up and pulled Seungkwan into a headlock, his poor Americano half flying across the hall as he yells out in disarray.

“YAH!” cued with more noises of struggle and muffled threats.

You chose to embrace the violence by sitting in your seat and laughing as Vernon recorded their antics from the doorway inside eventually circing them for his supposed cinematic effect, catered for the inevitable weverse post that was to come.

Cut to them apologizing and cleaning up the mess of coffee and disregard.

You decide to be nice and attempt to make peace by reassuring Seungkwan, “Come over after you’re done promoting this week, I’ll make up for all the bread and cookies you missed out on”

“If you've finished with your escort duties Y/n, could you please come in and do your day job?”

The voice came from the doorway of the dressing room, your senior makeup artist standing there with her usual mildly inconvenienced expression. It took you a minute to fully understand what she meant by that sentence, your body completely still.

“Offended? What, like I’m wrong?”

You were no stranger to insulting behaviour in work places, but they’d always been revolving around your actual job description. People who didn’t like you knew they had to be smart on how they treated you regardles.

This was different. This felt like you were projected back in time to your solemn middle school days to mean girls taunting you about your spongebob socks, except multiply that by about a thousand.

You feel your stomach begin to churn as that nauseous feeling of shame began to settle itself into your veins.

You’re not sure how long you’ve been sitting there but when she slightly raises her voice; “Are you getting up or not?” your hands actively begin to tremble the slightest amount.

You’re making moves to get up by puting your coffee cup down, not knowing what to do except follow commands.

Your interrupted by a voice from behind; “She’s coming in, give us a minute”

Mingyu’s standing there, his expression stoic as Seungkwan and Vernon looked as stunned as you felt. You don’t register it in the moment, but the people in the hall, venue staff and those for other artists have also silenced, watching the scene unfold.

Her lips are in a tight line, her expression remaining irritated as she steps back inside the room.

You realise you need to do something to diffuse the escalated situation. Letting out a breathy laugh, you get up and tell them that you’ll be going inside, trying to keep your expression pleasant and unaffected, not waiting before turning around to spare them the burden of a response. People get yelled at everyday, and this is no different. You aren’t gonna be the one to make a scene out of a regular occurrence.

You know what's coming when you get inside, she’s waiting as she pulls you aside.

“Your behavior has been quite concerning recently, let me remind you of your place here and what you were hired to do. You've been dilly dallying with people who aren't even your friends, and its quite funny that you’d think they are. It's time to wake up from wasting your time making heart eyes at men who are way out of your league. I won't tolerate any more nonsense from you, and trust I won’t be this nice or forgiving the next time this happens”

You choose to nod your head.

“That’s another thing, use your own words. Don’t think other people are gonna be there all the time to speak for you” She spits out, her professional front slowly eroding the more she spoke.

“Yes, ma’am” You say, hoarse voice.

“Louder, next time”, she stalks out as majority of the people in the room also begin to leave for the filming downstairs.

You’re left standing awkwardly in front of the racks of clothes, trying to digest what just happened to you. Looking around the room, you try to figure out what your supposed to do.

Clothes on the couches, eyeshadow brushes on the floor. There’s a torn sponge resting underneath one of the chairs, a couple styrofoam boxes left on the tables from lunch.

There’s so much for you to do, you arent sure how you thought you had time to sit down and chat. But you’re not sure where to begin either. The room is a mess of smells and colours even without the buzzing noise of people getting ready. Tears begin to form as you try to navigate what you’re supposed to do, realising you can’t possibly find a starting point for any of this mess. Before you have time to think of anything else, a hand is holding onto your wrist, small and soft.

It’s Yoona, another one of the makeup artists.

“Y/n, I think it’s best if you go home, it’s been tiring.”

“But-”

“Don’t worry, I’ll handle her. Just trust me. Go home you’ll feel alot better”

She notices you hesitate for a second, and goes in to give you a hug.

It felt nice, to be hugged by a friend. For some reason, it didn’t feel like she was pitying you, her expression and aura reassuring you that you didn’t have to stand here alone.

“Whatever happened today shouldn't have happened, but you don’t need to think about that right now. Go home and do nice things for yourself, we’ll figure it out later. You have my number, give me a text once you get home. We can go out later if you want, when I get off work, to get your mind off things”

You’re not sure how you’re holding back the waterpark that has become of your tearducts as you hear those words from an unsuspecting friend, you nod with a smile. You feel a little more calm.

You can’t tell if you care enough to consider the consequences of your senior finding out how you’re doubling or nothing on your already posed humiliation. But the only thing you can think of right now is your bed and the ceiling you’d stare burn holes into.

So you, for the first time in a while, chose to choose yourself by picking up your satchel and leaving the chaos behind you as you walk to your car.

***

Just because you were brave where it mattered most doesn’t mean you weren’t allowed to cry.

You had come home, shot Yoona a brief text, and promptly began to sob the absolute Nile into your sheets.

You had never cried like this before, loud wracked sobs coming from a place in your chest you had locked away during a time you couldn’t even remember. You’re breathing after every choked cry is a sputtered intake of life, only to spit it back out as you let out another sob of what sounds like agony. There’s nothing in your head, nothing but the words that were spoken to you as echoes of your own mind. Hypocritical of you to hate them when the same words circled in your head like a mantra every cursed, unfortunate day. She had done you a favour, by spitting out the truth you’d stewed, chewed and kept in your mouth ever since you got here. This was a you problem, to believe that you were capable of things beyond your bracket. You were told by the universe, screamed at by the world, that this was never meant for you, and you chose to ignore it. You chose to be stubborn. You brought this misery upon yourself.

Once you’ve disposed your body weight of tears and snot and burden, you’re left to stare at your innocent sheets now stained with mascara and your sorrows. You crawl into your covers and rest your muscles for a few seconds, head empty. You aren’t sure when you drift off, but you're glad that you do.

You don’t dream for once.

***

You wake up feeling like you drank a gallon of water and went to sleep. Your eyes, nose and throat feel like they’ve been over watered yet dry at the same time. You don’t realise what’s really arising pangs of irritancy in your brain once you figure out the consistent sound is a door bell. You’re doorbell, of the house that you live in.

You’re slow to push yourself up, realising your slept in your day clothes. It’s dark out but you're not sure what time it is, and quite frankly, you can’t say you care enough to check. You need to silence your doorbell first, which can only be done by silencing whatever hell sent individual was playing drums on the button outside.

It’s a record screech in your brain as you peer through your peephole and realise who the aforementioned hell sent individual was.

Mingyu was outside your door.

You don’t realise you look like you crawled out of a sewer till it’s too late and you’ve already opened the door through muscle memory. Mingyu was always welcome in your space.

He was in casual clothes, his hair pushed back from the guessed hands that ran through it, but he was still in stage his stage makeup.  

“Oh, were you sleeping?” He asks, eyes a little wide, expression cautious.

“Yeah.”

“I’ll go then, you weren’t answering your phone for anyone and you told Yoona you were home but you weren’t opening the door, i was worried. Sorry I ringed it so much I probably should’ve assumed-”

He stops to look at you, and it’s like realizes something before he finally says; “Just wanted to make sure you were okay, I’ll see you around. I’ll leave you alone”

“Wait,” you croak out, licking your lips, conscious of your morning voice, “Can you stay? Please? If you can.”

He stops to look at you, expression changing from sheepish to defensive.

“No! I mean, yes. Yes. I’ll stay. I’ll stay for as long as you want”

You let him in as he slips off his shoes and you lead him to the living room. His presence in the familiar place seems like it last happened eras ago, when he was only here maybe a week prior.  

“You know where everything is, I’ll be back gimme like 5 minutes”

You’re scared to look at yourself in your bathroom mirror, so you don’t, and choose to scrub your face looking down at your sink. You change into a sweatshirt and trouser loungewear set, deciding to save your dignity a little bit further as you brush your hair and clip it back with a claw clip.

You take a breath before entering the living room again.

He’s sitting on the floor in your usual place, two steaming mugs on the coffee table, the tabs hanging out of the cup. He made you tea.

You sit down next to him, not really prepared for what you should be saying.

“How long has she been speaking to you like that?” He asks you quietly.

“She was always kinda itchy and uptight and stuff but, it was never like this” You say.

“Regardless, whatever that was, it was, wrong, uncalled for, all of those things” He says, sputtering a little bit.

He stops and sighs. It’s silect for a minute before he turns in his seat to face you, grabbing your folded legs and pulling you to face him too.

“Yoona heard everything she said to you after you went in, she heard it all. And she knows about some other stuff too. If you think, even for a second, that I’m not your friend, I might actually think there’s something wrong with you.

“If everything we’ve been through this past, almost a year, doesn’t amount to us at least being friends then I don’t know what it means to have one at all. You’re the first person in a while I’ve been able to be this open with. You know me better than most people, you’ve seen me at my worst and at my best. I’ve let you read me all you want, because I know I can be an open book if it’s you. I trust you more than I can trust myself sometimes, and I really wish you would trust me too.”

You’re watching him as he says all of this, you look up to make eye contact a couple times, and he’s looking at you everytime you lift your head.

“I do trust you. Probably more than anyone else. It’s myself I don’t trust. It’s hard for me to open up, I’m scared I’m gonna say something that’ll scare you away. And, I just thought maybe she was right today, that I need to realise that it can’t be that way between us, I have a job to do”

“What can’t be between us?”

“I like you, Mingyu. Like, I’m basically in love with you and have been since I fucking met you. I couldn’t believe that you could possibly be friends with someone like me, a confused, all over the place airhead who can’t tell right from left sometimes, forget you ever liking me. All that happened is that we became friends and I thought that this was as far as fate was gonna push us. All today told me was that … that was an overextension too. It was a wake up call that I can’t have everything in life. Things were going too well for us and I was letting myself think it could stay that way forever. I’m sorry for being this way, I’m sorry for making you feel uncomfortable and out of place. This is the last thing you’d want to hear from a friend and I’m sorry I’m putting you in this situation right now and that you had to go through that today-”

You don’t finish what your saying because you're interrupted. Interrupted by arms pulling you forward and into Mingyu in front of you.

Your both sitting in your living room at 3 AM, on the floor in front of your sofa like you both have so many times. Except now, Mingyu is holding you in his arms, and kissing you so delicately it hurts.

It’s warm, like getting into bed after a long day, the scent of home and security engulfing you as you begin to forget about the qualms of life.

He’s moving his lips slowly, with care and a feeling so overflowing you can’t describe.

He lets go slowly and rests his forehead against yours, his arms are around you tight, legs wrapped around your entire body so you can't escape - physically or mentally.

“You dumbass” You hear him say.

“I love you,Y/n. More than anything. And I need you to know that you don’t have to hide. If you think your thoughts are a burden then I want to carry it for you. I want you to realise you’re not alone. I want you to stop pushing me away. Everytime I want to do something nice for you, you try to push the effort to something else, everytime I try to take care of you, you have this look that makes me think you feel guilty for taking up my time or something. Everytime I think you’re about to ask me to stay the night, you remind me I have priorities and I should go, even though I know you want me to stay with you. I want you to stop caring so much for how other people feel and realise you can demand the same from the universe too. You deserve love and to be treated with care. You need to let people do that for you, love.”

Your looking at him now, your turn to have stars in your eyes.

He loves you.

And you feel it. You feel it in his words, in his eyes, in the kisses he’s leaving on your face, in his arms that are wrapped around you, ready to shield you from the world.

You don’t say anything as you fall into his chest, head on shoulder, relaxed body in the cage he’s made for you. You close your eyes as the tears are burning down your face. Except, this time they’re because your relieved.

You both got up from the uncomfortable floor and moved to your bed, still tangled within each other as you clarified everything else.

You found out that majority of the people who heard it were very upset at the situation, but didn’t know how to approach or confront her.

Seungkwan almost bust a blood vessel after he had digested what had happened, disbelief and threats on his tongue as he refused to get touched up by her during filming, apparently making a point to walk to somebody else. Seungcheol was thinking of trying to bring up the problem to management, considering how Mingyu too was distracted all the way home.

“The rest of them have gotten quite protective of you too, I think. It’s not like I shut up about you”

Apparently the only reason you were asked to start taking charge on makeup was because some of the other senior artists pressured your mentor to stop restricting you. It made you feel a little more secure that it wasn’t just you that felt pushed down.

She didn’t like that you were doing so well, considering it meant she was wrong about you and your abilities. It hurt her ego a little bit that people stopped preferring her to do their makeup or their touchups, how they wouldn’t interact with her the same way.

“Alot coming from a middle aged, married woman, attention seeking like a child” Mingyu added, scoffing with a sour face as he nuzzled into the crown of your head.

“The boys really like you by the way, they’ve been rooting for us since forever” He says, and your heart swells unimaginably so; you felt loved, so so loved.

You scooch up to plant a kiss on the underside of his chin and then one on his lips.

“That makes me happy”

“I’m happy that you’re happy. You deserve to be happy, everyday” He smooches you on the face again. “Oh, and don’t worry about that stinky face I’ll take care of her”

You laugh at the determination in his voice, but you wanted to clarify something.

“Please, let me handle her myself. I’ll ask for help if she’s stubborn but I wanna try by myself first”

“That was hot”

You push his chest away as you bark out a laugh at the random comment, hiding you face, by turning the other way.

He battles that by pull you back into his chest and continuing his atics

“What I can’t call my girlfriend hot. You’re hot. Your the sexiest motherfucker I’ve ever seen” smooch “You’re beautiful” and again  “amazing” and again “gorgeous spectacular-”

You don’t fall asleep until the sun has well made its way up the sky, taking the executive decision to sleep in till way past lunch and maybe even take a nap afterwards.

You don’t care how it goes, because your happy just being with him.

***

You met with Yoona a couple days later at a cafe.

“Seungcheol asked us if we were facing the same kind of behaviour from her too. And everyone told him she was stuck up and rude and stuff. He said he wanted to bring it up to management but it didn’t really concern him directly so they wouldn’t listen. He told us to do so ourselves and we thought about it, but we’re gonna need to tell them about that too”

You nod your head as you listen to her speak, it was making sense.

“I dont mind going up to management at all and talking about it. I get that the rest of the stuff is a little too tame to be considered, which sucks because she shouldn’t be talking to us like that at all”

“Mhm, and I was thinking we could vouch for you on how she was restraining you for almost a year. Basically not letting you do your job. That’d be a another thing for them to think about”

“Yeah. Let’s do it asap, how’s this Monday?”

“Perfect, I’ll add everyone to a group chat and let them know”

And go up to management you did, who were surprisingly understanding. Apparently having received multiple reports and even videos of the most recent incident to act as proof. It was working out for all of you, and it proved to stay that way as they responded with a promise to shift her to a different department.

You had gone home that day feeling fulfilled and relieved. Mingyu, a man with spectacular timing had also proceeded to send you a text as a distraction,

[Mingyu]: Kwan wants to come over

[Mingyu]: something about croissants

[Mingyu]: Should he text you ab it?

[You]: yeah ofc

[You]: I’ll order the butter

[You]: you tell him to text me lol

Two nights ago felt like it happened last year with all the unimaginable advances deciding to happen within the past 48 hours. Right now you were more excited for the company you were about to recieve, more concerned with making sure you made the best batch of croissants Seungkwan ever did see.

***

You were in the car with Mingyu outside the company building, waiting until the clock struck 9 to go inside.

Today was the last day you’d think about this, being called up for a face to face meeting with the staff member, so she could formally apologise. The team had planned a dinner tonight, to celebrate the end of her ‘wicked reign’ as Yoona described it.

You were finding friends everywhere, ones that were always there, pulling through for each other as you yourself navigated a new direction of thinking for yourself. You were learning to walk past your anxiety ridden desire to draw lines with everyone, as you took the first step with the dinner tonight. It would be fun for you, and a bond you’d begin to build.

You learned that you weren’t delusional anymore, and that Mingyu did love you the same. It had only been a week or so, but one of the happiest weeks of your life, despite everything. He was teaching you more lessons than he thought he was.

Mingyu squeezes your hand from the driver’s side as it was past 9, “Let’s go?”

“Lets go”

***

Mingyu’s way too enthusiastic as soon as he wakes up, indulging you in a morning (afternoon) makeout session, claiming he doesn’t care for you morning breath.

“Well I do!” you exclaim, pushing him off with a giggle “About your morning breath, stinky”

He clutches his chest in dramatic offense, “How could you? I thought you loved me”

You respond my projecting a cushion to his face.

“Do you want pancakes or eggs for breakfast?” You ask, legs hanging over the bed.

Mingyu looks up, a wicked glint in his eye, and you immediately know he’s going to say something of no help.

“I want you for breakfast” He says, grabbing you by the waist and pulling you back in bed.

“MINGYU!”

Needless to say, all was well.

#seventeen #carat #svt #svt fluff #svt scenarios #svt imagines #seventeen fluff #mingyu #mingyu fluff #mingyu angst #mingyu fic #mingyu x reader #mingyu imagines #mingyu scenarios #kim mingyu #svt x reader #em.writes

[dekusleftsock]

There’s so much evidence for an ochako uraraka rising, it’s painful that I didn’t realize this before.

Maybe this is looking into it too much, but 285 and 375… idk.

Anyway, Tsu pushing Uraraka through the portal after Katsuki’s kidnapping parallel, after Deku being pulled through the portal for a confession.

GIRLS GONNA CONFESS! OR AT LEAST EXPRESS HER LOVE! IM SO EXCITED!

Anyway, more unorganized rambles of my thoughts.

Maybe the reason that danger sense doesn’t go off is because Toga genuinely doesn’t want to hurt Izuku, and her love isn’t inherently violent. Like

Constantly, throughout these chapters, not once, not ONCE does Ochako think that her love is dangerous here. Not a single time. And Izuku is constantly judging her, making conclusions about her true “nature”. BUT THIS IS JUDGING OCHAKO TOO! THIS IS HOW OCHAKO ALSO “EXPERIENCES” LOVE! And I think they’re going to talk about this! (This isn't izuku slander, I'm just being honest, he's great and very loving but only Ochako is saving this girl)

Because not once does Ochako actually want to become toga, they do the same thing that bkdk do. They subconsciously mimic each other.

From literally gaining her eye bags when thinking about her

To putting her hair up in a similar hairdo to toga.

Or even mimicking the way she floats mid air, like these panels

It’s subconscious mimicking of the person you love, not trying to become them.

Let’s look at the difference between Toga’s confession to Izuku vs her confession to Ochako. Because, let me tell you, there are definitely some differences.

Instead of “I wanna BECOME you”, it is “I wanna be LIKE you”.

Ntm the uncanny valley feeling that horikoshi drew with the panel of toga confessing to Izuku. It’s a little eerie in Ochako’s, but not nearly as much as Izuku’s.

And this, this is the biggest thing that stands out to me in their respective confessions.

(Idk why it's being weird, sorry)

With her confession to Ochako, it’s personable. “What would you like to do with me?” Whereas her confession to Izuku refers to him as “hero” first before “you”. It’s softer, more genuine.

It’s her true vulnerability with Ochako, and an escape with Izuku. Instead of saying her confession head on, she disappears into the waves.

Ntm this panel. Has no one noticed what this sounds like? Scratch that, who this sounds like?

Shigaraki has only ever thought of aizawa as “cool”. Why would horikoshi do this? What’s the point? Why in the hell have aizawa and shigaraki had this weird back and forth?

And why the hell would you draw a direct parallel to Toga’s view of Izuku?

Simple: Izuku is the idealized hero in stains eyes. Not only did he directly say that Izuku is a “true hero” but his entire character surrounds the fact that he hates “fake heroes”, aka heroes that are only in the industry for fame or savior complexes, feeling good about yourself. Shigaraki views Aizawa the same.

And Izuku is CONSTANTLY referred to in reference to Allmight. Allmight is an idea, a figure, but he is not a person.

The point of Toga calling Izuku “cool” like Shigaraki refers to Aizawa or how Izuku refers to Allmight, is because idolization causes dehumanization. Humanity is flawed, therefore a person who is perfect is not human.

Toga never sees Uraraka as “cool”, not once. She sees her as a person. And it’s these two contrasting ideas of dehumanization, idolization vs villainizing. Idolization of Izuku through Toga and Ochako, idolization of endeavor through hawks, idolization of Allmight through Izuku, the cycle continues. It’s not love, it’s an idea.

There is not an idolization between Izuku and Katsuki, or Ochako and Toga. It’s an understanding of the people you love and their flaws. You mimic the good and bad. Like how Ochako mimics Toga's fury and acceptance, or how Toga mimics Ochako's determination and exclusion/black and white thinking. Its subconscious, actual love. It is not something born from trauma or another person's pressure. Just as Izuku is learning how to control his heart, Toga is too.

"You got that, hero?"

This image ring any bells?

How about I show this?

Toga too needs to control her heart, so a confession is on the rise for Izuku. If Toga not controlling her heart elicited the same reaction Izuku had, then how are his feelings not the same? This feels like I'm contradicting, because Toga doesn't "really love Izuku" as I've said before. I guess I don't think she loves Izuku in a truly healthy way, she cares about him and rejection hurts no matter what. Especially in the way that Izuku rejected hurt. (Oh the irony to have him discover Katsuki was dead after saying that he would never want the people he loves to be hurt) But their main difference is that, Toga knows Ochako, not Izuku. Just as Izuku knows Katsuki, not Toga, or even Ochako.

But I think that Ochako does or is developing a sort of care for Toga. No, I do not think they would get together at any time near during the current timeline. She will however spill her feelings and guts out for Toga, like Katsuki, on the battlefield. (Praying for that Ochako Uraraka Rising because I don't think that she would let Toga die, especially before talking to her first) I will say, the only way for the heroes to win right now might be turning Toga to the side of the heroes, especially since the clones are entirely spread out now. If a miracle were to happen, I think it will entirely depend on two girl's shoulder's.

This is gonna be fun.

#togaraka #bnha toga #togaocha #togachako #bkdk #still haunting that tag with my madness #I will slowly indoctrinate all of my fellow bkdk shippers to see their appeal #PLEASE IM BEGGING PLEASE PLEASE HEAR ME OUT #bakudeku #dkbk #toga himiko #uraraka ochako #ochako uraraka #himiko toga #togachako brainrot #I created that tag and will use it until everyone else does okay #bkdk brainrot #midoriya izuku #mha deku #bnha deku #bakugou katsuki #mha analysis #deku midoriya #mha bakugou #mha #bnha #mha manga spoilers

[quodekash]

HOLY FRICK THE EPISODE CAME OUT 17 AND A HALF HOURS AGO BUT I COULDNT WATCH IT BC I WAS CAMPING WITH NEXT TO NO SERVICE

BUT IM HOME NOW SO ITS TIME TO DIE AND EXPLODE AND EXPLODE AGAIN AND THEN DIE AGAIN AND SCREAM A LOT

...why do I feel like she doesnt actually like him but she just thinks she likes him

I mean its entirely possible she does

but im just putting it out there that she might not

AHA

SHE SAYS SHE JUST WANTS TO STUDY AT THE SAME UNI AS HIM

NOT THAT SHE LIKES HIM OR WANTS TO BE WITH HIM IN A ROMANTIC SENSE

BADABING BADABOOM KANG IS JUST DRAMATIC AND THINKS THAT MEANS SHE LIKES HIM

maybe

again, its very possible she does actually like sailom

oh honeyyyyy

my boy :(((

he sad :(((((((((

OML IM LAUGHING SO HARD

HIS JUMPER SAYS 'BOY'

HE IS INDEED ONE OF THOSE

WHY AM I FINDING THIS SO FUNNY

I DONT THINK ANYONE ELSE LAUGHED AT THIS BUT HERE I AM LOSING MY MIND

nO

HEY

WHY

DUDE WE NEED THIS PLOT TO PROGRESS YOU CANT JUST QUIT

DO YOU REMEMBER HOW MUCH PINING YOU GUYS HAD WHEN YOU HAD TO FIRE HIM FOR LIKE FIVE DAYS?????? YOU GUYS WERE FRIKIN HOPELESS

YOU COULDVE TALKED TO ECAH OTHER AND YOU DIDNT

AND NOW YOU THINK YOU CAN SURVIVE JUST QUITTING???? NUH UH, NOT ON MY WATCH SON

...oh

well now im sad

WELL NOW IM S A D D E R

OH HONEY

MY BOY NEEDS VALIDATION

IM GONNA CRY

AWWWWHHHHHHHHH

lmaoooo the super slow dramatic shots as he questions everything

she's just a lesbian kang, calm down bro

IM SORRY, I CANT GET OVER HIS BOY SHIRT

GUYS THEYRE SITTING NEXT TO EACH OTHER

I THINK THEY MIGHTVE FINALLY FIGURED OUT HOW TO INTERACT OUTSIDE OF TUTORING????

OML LOOK AT HOW PIMFAH'S SITTING

SHES SO GAY

and valid. I would sit that attentively if it were me as well, june is too too pretty hOW IS SHE SO PRETTY

bro was just offered a footy position by a senior, and he's thinking about sailom. gay as all hell

AAAAAAA

GUYNAWA TIME OMGOMGOMGOMG

IM SO EXCITEDDDDDDD

HEEHEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE YES NAWA’S GONNA REPLACE HIM AN THEN GUYNAVA ARE GONNA PLAY ON THE SAME TEAMMMMMMM

also lmao he's good at catching balls

that sentence will definitely send both of them into insane amounts of gay panic

THIS IS SO SOUNDWIN OF THEM AND I CANT EXPLAIN IT, I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

HOLY FRICK WE'RE NEARLY HALFWAY THROUGH THE SERIES AND WE'RE GETTING A DECENT AMOUNT OF PROGRESS FOR THESE TWO, IM SO EXCITED

HELP I CANT TELL IF SHES KIDDING OR NOT SOMEONE HELP ME

DOES SHE LIKE HIM??? DOES SHE NOT LIKE HIM???? DOES SHE JUST ADMIRE HIM PLATONICALLY?????? H E L P

also: she better be about to make a joke about like "oh well, im heartbroken now. i thought you could spend time with me, but it turns out your heart is only for kanghan, as i expected" and we can all watch sailom gay panic

oh. she was serious.

dANG IT

OH NO SHES SO SAD

NOW IM SO SAD

FRICK DANG IT

OH NOOOO

HONEYYYYYYY

FRICKKKKKKK

I LOVE HER SO MUCH

oh :(

its a metaphor :(

i usually love metaphors but this one is sad

i didnt expect to get so invested in this sailom/pimfah thing

i think i just love pimfah a lot

shes so important to me

and so is sailom

and so is kanghan

i get unhealthy emotional attachments to fictional characters and also to real people and because of that i cant let anything go and i hoard things and memories and people for fear that i will be left alone

anyway-

bro

the grabbing each other's shirts??? the rain??? the yelling at each other????

this is literally that scene from the pilot trailer

where they yell at each other about hating the other, and then kiss

(i think about that scene probably more than is strictly necessary)

W H A T

i-

wh-

h- he

he tOLD HIM????

RIGHT OFF THE BAT JUST LIKE THAT????

(yes dr seuss i did- sorry, now is not the time for sanders sides references)

um.

im.

uh

well i think i just died

boy is Shook™️

i mean valid

but his expression is so funny to me and im laughing again

his older brother senses are tingling

they👏were👏paired👏together👏randomly👏therefore👏they👏are👏soulmates👏

i love them so much

HE WAS THE FIRST ONE TO HIS SIDE I CANT

IM FINE IM FINE IM FINE

✨i ran out of images✨

#quodekash disregards sleep because of dangerous romance #dangerous romance #dangerous romance the series #dangerous romance series #kangsailom #kanghansailom #sailomkang #sailomkanghan #perthchimon #perth tanapon #chimon wachirawit #pimfah drts #view benyapa #viewjune #juneview #june wanwimol #guynawa #guynava #nawaguy #navaguy #marcpawin #pawinmarc #marc pahun #pawin kulkaranyawich #win pawin

[mobblespsycho100]

I think I already asked ur fav character but whos ur fav from each area? express, space station, belobog, luofu, and penacony. and then misc to include the sstellaron hunters n stuff. Well. I can assume the for for penacony lolz

4 me.... the express is probably the MC tbh. Himeko is a close second she may be tied

space station issss HERTAAAA !!! 100% herta. waittt Arlan too.....

Jarilo vi is Clara or Sampo ^.^ the sillies

Luofu.... does Blade count if hes technically a different person now. It's probably Yanqing 4 me

Penaconyyyy.... so hard.. NO WAIT MISHA I LOVE MISHA silly little guy

For misc,,,, is Boothill from Penacony? if not then its him. oooh or screwllum... hes not playable tho.... OOKH silver wolf def shes soooooooo

I LOVE ALL UR PICKS (xcept blade im sorry bladers i can see his appeal just not for me) ‼️‼️

yes okay so

🌠🚂 Astral Express: very similar to u. Himeko is my numero uno, but I love MC and pompom too <3 if i had to rank id say Himeko, PomPom, MC, and then Welt Danheng March are kinda tied ? i love themb theyyre the sillies ever ^.^

🛰️ HSS: Probably Arlan and Peppy (theyre a package do not seperate), because theyre silly to me and I think Arlan deserves better!!! But tbh IDK, If Screwllum counts as a space station character since he appears there often, id say screwllum :3 robots !! Herta and Asta are also characters that I used to be neutral on/dislike but I quite enjoy them now!!! :D Ruan Mei is interesting 🤔 but i would love it if her design actually had like a lab coat or more biology aspects to it like the dna helixes are great but i need More y'know?

❄️Jarilo-VI: SAMPOOOOO !!! not even a question. second fav either Serval or Bronya or maybe even Lynx??? but Sampo is top tier to me. yesss. Underworld Charas r kinda more fun than the Overworld ones though imho, they have a closer tight-knit dynamic which I loveee like Seele and Luka are so siblings / besties and Oleg and Luka mentor-student relationship and Natasha and Hook being like aunt and niece and Clara Svarog daughter father bond of all time is so silly to meeee <333

🪷 Luofu: Blade counts imo!! since he appears in Luofu patch and thats like his former home. My fav Luofu character is Xueyi, but I gen rlly love Jing Yuan, Fu Xuan, and Yanqing too :3 Hanya is fun also but only because I like tragic siblings ajdhsjdh also shout out to Luocha for being a merchant whos actually NOT that much of a good guy and is just a silly weirdo man

SPECIAL SHOUTOUT TO 🪙THE IPC🪙, i hate the corporation's wholedeal but i love Owlbert, Topaz & Numby, and Aventurine a lottt <333 Ratio doesnt count as IPC despite being a representative sent by them btw hes in Intelligentsia Guild which is funded by the IPC but isnt part of the IPC. ANYWAAAAY

🌟 Stellaron Hunters: Kafka... its still Kafka.... i want to move on from her so badly please.... I stil havent gotten her i want to cry.... please letme let me live..... I like Sam and Silver Wolf as well too :3!!! Blade is silly but hes my least fav. Elio is my silly cat cat to meeeee

🌃 Penacony: Our canonical Penacony characters aka the playable ones actually from there are Sunday, Robin, Misha, and Gallagher. I really like Robin !!!! shes so silly and cute and i love herrrr <3 but if we r talking characters *featured/will be featured* in Penacony's story, then I have to admit Im very down bad for Aventurine and Black Swan rn. Boothill also <3 :3 sillies forreal . Acherons lore is interesting as well!! though shes not like a fav, shes like my blorbo in law for sure (one of my moots/friend is a big fan of raiden mei and therefore a big fan of acheron :3!! we ramble/basically make essays and talk to each other abt hsr a bunch and its fun :3!!!)

ANDYEAH THATS IT I THINK 🌟🌟🌟 YUPPEEE THANKS FOR THE ASK THIS ONE IS A GREAT ONE AND I LOVE ANSWERING AND GIVING MY THOUGHTS

#asks #mourn 🌧️🐈 ! #for more detailed explanation ... that would be a seperate post I suppose

[omoriboii]

gimme the circle snuuy lore 👁👁 /lh

AAAHWWAhh UuUUm Ok a Y...uhhh

god I have so many versions of this type of au/scenario lemme just- picck on e

(TW for ED's/Eating Disorders for anyone sensitive to those)

Soooo I always thought it would make a lot of sense, characterization wise, that Sunny would have some form of difficult relationship with food. One of the few times you see him actually 'eat something' it's in the scenario of him waking up suddenly at night, attempting to eat something and then shortly after puking. Those two actions alone immediately struck a chord. It either meant one of two things.

1: Sunny ate a steak that wasn't properly cooked WHyThe FUck Did YoU MicRoWave A SteaK and got food poisioning

orrr..

2: Sunny has some form of anorexia/bulimia, and when he finally went downstairs to eat, he only did it purely out of instinctual emergency. The bulimic route meaning he immediately felt guilty about eating, or felt disgusted doing it, and therefore threw up, or it was anorexia, and he'd been sleeping constantly as a way to avoid taking care of himself, including eating, and when he did finally eat he had absolutely no idea to pace himself.

Thinking about this, it made me wonder the probability of how things would shape up post-good ending. As one of the ways someone can express forms of depression, guilt, or self loathing is starving themselves. I feel like if things happened the way they did (he got hospitalized because of funny Bagel man) and he ended up minorly disabled, a lot more attention would be put into making sure he'd recover okay, since it's a very common issue for underweight fellows to struggle with recovery.

I think at first (if Sunny's mom did truly care for him) they would try to establish a better schedule for him, including regular meals and activities that wasn't ENTIRELY based on just sleeping 24/7 that would first help boost him from being an underweight twig to actually normal weight.

Though with most people who go through recovery of traumatic events, having a form of coping would be almost mandatory. I think in Sunny trying to correct his poor self-care habits he may end up overdoing it a bit, since he's seen to be one of the least physically active of the group, and often depriving himself of food (which it does genuinely seem like he has interest in food! Just look at all the food oriented things in his dreams) I feel like overeating for him would end up happening easily because he probably hadn't given himself the liberty to actually enjoy himself and do something that makes him feel happy.

He wouldn't feel like everything he did would be wrong because he hurt his sister.

In part of forgiving himself, he accidentally becomes big, probably gets invested in hobbies like drawing, or writing, and maybe violin again if he can will himself to do it again for his own sake. None of those hobbies would be very physically taxing anyways, and with everyone worrying about whether or not he's gonna become depressed/suicidal again, of course they're gonna offer him cookies and shit and be like (hey I know this thing makes you happy and I want you to be happy type of scenario.)

So when Sunny finally comes back to meet his friends again, they all realize that he's definitely changed as a person, but also that they now have the ultimate cuddle buddy if they ever decided to do sleepovers again.

I think chubby Sunny would both feel a lot more at peace with himself, and Mari, but also probably kinda pouty because damn, maintaining a normal frame isn't as easy as it was in his dreams- lmao.

ALSO ONE SIDE NOTE- (i know this is long im so sorry) but it's also a lot more probable for previous Anorexics/Bulimics to accidentally gain a lot more weight because when going through the process of starving your body's immune system drops which makes the probability of sickness and weight gain easier because your metabolism is much slower.

Hahahah round Snuuy stuck in bed sicc while doodling and eating soup dpfikoguydfihugofdliugfdnjligfdklgd

#omoasks #im so sorry for dumping #i just #this means a lot to me #sdfpoisdjfsdid #omori aus #omori #omori sunny

[brilliant-red-eternity]

Do you believe im Ko-Chan und Akane-Chan supremacy?

I’m sorry for the late reply. I’ve been up to my ears in work lately and I needed some time as English is not my mother tongue. I hope I understood your question correctly. If by "supremacy" you mean do I believe in Shinkane then my answer is yes, of course. I guess my blog betrays my true feelings for this ship ;)

I’m very excited about Providence and would like to use this opportunity to express my thoughts and expectations. I must admit that I’m out of practice when it comes to writing, but this is my first Ask and I want to make an effort. I really enjoyed writing about this ship in the past and I’m still in love with their dynamics. Hopefully the muse hasn’t left me yet.

From what I saw in the trailer, it looks as if Akane and Kogami will once again work together as a team and solve a case that will bring to light another mystery of the Sibyl System. We’ve been waiting quite a long time for this to happen, but it remains to be seen whether their relationship will also develop in a romantic way. I really hope so, even though Shiotani keeps emphazising that PP is not a Shoujo anime. The authors will probably just drop a few breadcrumbs here and there and we’ll have to read between the lines to understand the personal motivations and relationships of our characters – but who knows?

I think Akane and Kogami’s relationship is very complex and it's always fun to watch them work together and mature. Despite their different opinions and occasional disputes, their actions were always proof of how deeply these two care for each other. Not only have they always tried to protect the other from physical harm/death but also they have always supported each other mentally in times of doubt. There’s mutual trust and respect. And there’s this insanely powerful connection between them, this spark they can ignite in each other, even if they're miles apart. Kogami was subject to Akane’s influence while he was living abroad in war zones. His firm belief in her righteousness and the fact that his revenge led him into exile made him reflect more closely on moral duties. On the other hand, Akane developed this peculiar habit of lighting Spinels that helped her solve cases in Tokyo. There’s also this bittersweet scene in the PP movie where Akane finds a paperback of Proust: she immediately associates it with Kogami, takes it home and therefore withholds evidence. The authors have taken great pains to avoid the stereotypical portrayal of romance but the message gets across anyway if you pay attention.

Providence will very likely focus on their professional teamwork. Still, it will be exciting to see how they approach each other after all this time – and not just because of their mutual attraction that seems to become clearer with each new story. They both have matured on their individual journey, and they both have changed. Akane has gotten quite tough and she is more committed than ever to changing the Sibyl System and society for the better. She still rejects violence and strictly adheres to the law. While Kogami admires her for it, these are qualities which he himself does not possess. After he killed Makishima, Kogami had to survive for a long time in a lawless world and he wandered around there without any real goals. I had the impression that he hated his new life and eventually got weary. Akane's sense of justice has always been the magnetic north of his compass, so if there was someone who could provide him with a sense of purpose again it would be her – or some task associated with her. I really hope that he’s willing to get his life back on track this time.

(-Did you come back to fight violence with violence?

- I’m just doing what needs to be done. I don’t have any regrets.)

The phone call probably occurs at the beginning of the movie and I bet you that it was Kogami trying to get in touch with Akane for the first time. The atmosphere is tense and it provides a good starting point for the hero’s journey. One of the basic dramaturgical recipes in PP has always been Akane and Kogami pursuing the same goal while favouring different approaches. Personally, I think this is due to the different realities of their lives and individual experiences. As an enforcer and mercenary, Kogami was always in a position of powerlessness and only violence could help him change a situation. Akane, on the other hand, was able to seek peaceful solutions because of her relationship with the system by either slapping Sibyl’s wrist or negotiating deals. Moreover, it seems as if Akane has worked her way up on the job ladder since she is now shown as a supervising inspector. Kogami is still in the dark about Sibyl’s true nature or Akane’s dangerous ties to the system, so I think we’re looking forward to some kind of collision here.

Kogami seems a bit depressed during the conversation and the falling rain enhances the impression. It’s unrealistic to expect that he could immediately reconnect with his friends after all this time but man, does he have to be so bad at making conversation or saying sorry? He’s lying through his teeth when he says that he doesn’t regret anything. He’s full of regrets but as always his pride prevents him from being honest. I have long suspected that PP actually stands for "pride and prejudice" as Kogami seems to have no idea how to handle his own wants and needs or Akane’s newly acquired toughness. But you don’t have to be a profiler to know the reason why Akane acts so business-like and tough: she seems to protect herself emotionally because she didn’t do so in the past and therefore got her heart broken.

Kogami should have known that Akane won’t be thrilled to bits. She probably worries whether or not Kogami was only allowed to return to Japan to do the "dirty work" for Sibyl. We know from SS that Akane doesn’t trust Frederika or Foreign Affairs. There’s a lot of competition between their ministries and the SAD is a brand new unit whose mission is still unclear. You can’t blame Akane for being suspicious and wondering what to make of this. However, given the development of his character, I think Kogami won’t let himself be used for fights he doesn't believe in ever again. But I'm not so naive as to think that he suddenly stops doing what he always does (fighting fire with fire or whatever the fate of Kei’s brother may be) and be good, especially when he comes under emotional pressure or has to defend his idealism. Akane knows that he can’t help it. Of course she knows.

 (-The next time you violate the law, I will stop you no matter what.

-Even so, I’ll believe in you who strives for righteousness.)

I think Akane says that more to herself. She must have realized that his return has the potential to become a great burden for her. She has a soft spot for Kogami and she knows it. She has proven more than once that she is willing to put herself in jeopardy for him and as much as she despises his illegal actions, she has never held him accountable. At the present time, she would have to use a dominator or arrest him. Both options would put Kogami at the mercy of the Sibyl System and that’s exactly what she has always wanted to avoid. Now that he’s back, she must be afraid that Sibyl may only spare his life as long as he complies and makes himself useful. Kogami created chaos in everything he did and the system is notoriously unforgiving. But not Akane. She has always tried to protect Kogami either by letting him go or by warding off an overly harsh judgement. Considering that, it’s kind of crazy that he of all people always emphasizes Akane’s sense of justice. Objectively speaking, she let a murderer go because she has feelings for him and knew that Sibyl would execute him. That’s why Kogami looks so pathetic every time he begs for condemnation. He must know that he’ll never get it from her.

Anyway, a collaboration between the PSB and SAD seems to be under way and they will probably meet regularly in the future. Keeping Sibyl in check and ensuring justice is Akane’s second full-time job. She has enough on her plate already and she certainly doesn’t want to babysit Kogami, who she knows will neglect his duties whenever he feels like it. I wouldn’t be surprised if we get to see Kogami disobeying Frederika’s orders in Providence just so he can support Akane and follow the path of her "righteousness". As always, he’ll wreak havoc on the mission and his life will probably hang by a thread again causing a distraction for Akane who will then be compelled to save him from one of Sibyl’s crazy minions. She’ll go to jail for this, but we all know she will forgive him in the end. I can’t wait to see something like that in Providence. These two are practically made for each other. Try and convince me otherwise!

(-Will you come with me?

-Even if you told me not to, I will follow you.)

Be still my beating heart. I’ve always believed that Akane and Kogami are more than just colleagues. The romantic subplot has always been there given that Japanese culture is based on subtlety. Japanese people love to beat around the bush. Admittedly, Akane’s girlish demeanour in PP1 gave the impression that it might only be a one-sided and immature crush, but once Akane began to mature as a result of the Makishima case, their romance gained momentum. I’m glad she never broke the habit of looking at Kogami with dreamy wide eyes. It’s quite adorable and reminiscent of their early days as inspector and subordinate.

Some people think that Kogami only recognizes his younger self in Akane and that for him their relationship is merely platonic. His idealization of Akane raises questions, though. It’s clear that he has irrevocably changed and will never go back to his old self. I don’t even think he wants to. He respects Akane as his equal but considers her sense of justice superior to his or anyone else’s. In the PP movie, we witnessed how carefully he weighted every word she said when they talked on the balcony at night. He shielded her from the explosion without a second thought and the first thing he did when the camp was under attack was to help her escape. He always treats Akane with extreme care and priority. And if that doesn’t tell you everything you need to know, bear in mind that Kogami refers to Akane as her in the novel – as if he were sanctifying her. His character is not easily understood but I think it’s obvious that he has feelings for Akane. And from what I saw in FI and the new trailer, it seems that he no longer wants to hide them.

"Even if you told me not to, I will follow you". Kogami can be absolutely stubborn and persistent. He has already proven that in PP1 when he was chasing after Makishima. He was far too busy and selfish to be considerate of other people’s feelings back then and he didn’t let Akane’s warning get through to him. He had to learn the hard way. There’s something about this snipped that reminds me of Natsume Soseki’s "The moon is beautiful tonight, isn’t it?" to which the answer is: "I can die happy." Both are confessions of love. By saying that he would follow Akane unconditionally, Kogami reveals his real motives for the first time. And no, I don’t think he’s doing that as atonement for his crimes. He has undergone a transformation in SS which allows him to stop running away and "take responsibility". He had strayed far from the straight and narrow and it added to his loneliness and made him unhappy. Frederika recognized that. She must also have recognized that Kogami feels drawn to Akane and that he has found hope through his encounter with Tenzing. So, wherever their path may lead, I think he’s willing to die for Akane and become a happy man.

And as far as Akane is concerned: Kogami has always been the person she trusted the most and I really hope he becomes Akane’s ally. I’d love to see her laugh and find some happiness in this crazy world. She has secluded herself from friends and family over the course of the series and she absolutely needs someone to open up to plus a shoulder to lean on. She should no longer be a lonesome queen. Providence could be a first step in that direction and whatever happens between them as colleagues, friends or lovers, I expect it to be very important for their character arc. Kogami will probably learn to hold back and try to see the world through Akane’s eyes. And since we already know that Akane will end up in jail, it would be interesting to see if her policy might change in the future. Will she lose her influence over Sibyl? Will she be able to hold on to her non-violent way of life if it means she can no longer ensure justice and create change in the system? A system that won’t stop its Machiavellian practices and has begun to spread its tentacles all over the world? In PP3 Akane says something akin to "justice must be enforced, even if it disrupts a peaceful society." It doesn't sound vindictive or bitter, just reasonable.

The system despises both Akane and Kogami. They have demonstrated time and again that they would rather act according to their own principles than blindly follow orders. This is not in the interest of an authoritarian system. We learned in SS that Akane is being observed by the higher-ups since SEAUn. My gut feeling is that we should probably not trust Atsushi Shindou who has been portrayed as a Sibyl enthusiast in PP3 and who seems to have practiced strange mind manipulation techniques as an inspector. But what do I know? However, I’m pretty sure that the authors won’t be able to avoid showing the romantic side of their relationship in PP4. After the ending of FI it would come across as very artificial and forced.

Gosh, this answer has developed into a novel! I don’t know if you enjoyed my rambling analysis but I’ve always loved this little fandom and it feels good to be back! I want to thank steoh @mochidoodle for the translation of the trailer which I have quoted above in brackets.

#answered #psycho pass #shinkane #kouaka #akane tsunemori #shinya kougami

[privarot]

Can you do the Yylfordt and the other fraccions reacting to kissing them the first time please like how you did with the others🙏🏼

a/n: yes!! absolutely!! i love those boys so much im so glad that someone wants content of them ^^ sorry this took a while. my brain has been pretty fried.

arrancars reacting to you kissing them for the first time: part two

listed: yylfordt granz, shawlong koufang, edrad liones and nakeem grindina

Yylfordt Granz

this man exudes cockiness and confidence.

however, after that first initial peck, yyl turns a tad pink and his eyes widen.

he’ll deny it until the end of time in favor of teasing you.

“what was that?”

he thinks watching you obviously fluster due to it is very funny, so therefore, naturally, he is going to make it a million times worse.

he wouldn’t want us to mention how after that first time, once he’s alone of course, he brushes his fingers across his lips, the memory of your own against them ever fresh in his mind.

once he gets the hang of it, he’ll use them to his upmost advantage.

he likes to corner you when he can (whether figuratively or literally), cooing teases and trailing his hands across you. maybe some lip brushes here and there. he waits until your face flushes to actually kiss you; relishing in your flustered sounds and expression.

it’s not his fault that you react so cutely. well, it technically is, isn’t it? and that’s exactly why he loves it so much.

if you lean in for another kiss after he pulls away, be prepared for that mockingly sympathetic voice of his while he picks at you.

"aww. do you want another one that bad?"

he caves very fast, though, so don't worry about having to endure his teases for too long.

Shawlong Koufang

he will not understand until you explain it to him.

like a few of the others, his first thought is that you want to eat him.

it takes him quite a while to warm up to even the idea of kissing, but you'll break through that shell of his eventually.

he may not be teasing or as blatantly affectionate as some of the others, but he will find it endearing that you're so keen on showing him how you feel in a physical manner.

in the back of his mind he thinks it is quite cute but he won't say that aloud.

he's not quite one to ask for a kiss, but you may catch his eyes straying towards your lips from time to time. or maybe he subtly leans closer to your body when the two of you are alone.

when you actually go in for kisses later on, you swear you can see the corners of his lips almost want to twitch into a tiny smile before they go back to that deadpan expression.

in short, shower this man in kisses. he's not too in touch with his emotions but he will appreciate them immensely. he deserves those smooches.

Edrad Liones

i like to think that edrad can be a bit of a romantic when he wants to be. sure, emotions like this aren't really something that hollows are used to feeling, but i think that is part of why he likes it so much.

he enjoys being physically affectionate with you in any way.

he also likes the size difference that the two of you have. he thinks it is very endearing how small you seem next to him. no matter your size, edrad has a large build.

the kiss itself does fluster him a bit.

it's definitely not what he was expecting when you started to lean in close to him all of the sudden.

he's pretty curious about what that means to you, and when you explain it, he's even more touched by your affections. maybe you see his cheeks turn just a tad pink.

unlike shawlong, he will (very politely, might i add) ask for kisses here and there.

he especially likes when you kiss around his hands; taking time to admire them as you go. sometimes he worries that they're too rough for you, hardened by battle and wielding his zanpakuto, but once you assure him that they're perfect, he's sure to hold you with them much more often.

Nakeem Grindina

nakeem is very, very quiet.

very much a man of few words.

however, that kiss renders him more speechless than he had ever been previously.

he stares at you for a few moments, blinking rapidly while he processes the fact that you had just had your lips on his, his cheeks gradually developing a pink tint.

maybe his silence worries you despite him almost always being that way, so you hurry to explain what it all means.

his hand comes up to brush across his lips. his face flushes a bit darker with every passing second. just when you think that maybe this was too much; way too brash of a decision, he speaks up.

"...that was nice."

he's not a vocal asker, clearly, but the both of you will learn the subtle signs he uses to request kisses here and there.

it takes him a while to fully learn how to kiss you back, but rest assured that he will figure it out! he is a very attentive lover.

he isn't much of a fan of pda.

he will absolutely adore all of that attention once you are away from everyone, though!

#privarot #bleach x reader #bleach x y/n #bleach headcanons #bleach imagines #yylfordt granz #yylfordt x reader #shawlong koufang #shawlong x reader #nakeem grindina #nakeem x reader #edrad liones #edrad x reader #i am bEyond happy about this ask #i really really do love this fraccion sm #theyre some of my favorite bleach characters #all of these boys deserve sm love

[garpond]

sorry for all the personalposting lately im just struggling a lot the last few days and this is on my mind tonight like

idk if anyones ever had this experience but in our society theres such a weird attitude of like. i dont really know how to articulate this but im struggling to reconcile how my mom has been so obsessed with and terrified of the idea of me being violently raped by a stranger my whole life, to the point of being extremely restrictive of my day to day activities and behavior, making sure im armed with mace when i go anywhere, et cetra, and yet. while i was never raped by a stranger, i was sexually abused in other ways by a friend for multiple years. a friend my family knew of and didnt particularly like but never did much to stop me from interacting with...yknow, a familiar person, someoen in our day to day life. and yet when i told my family about this, anytime i try to express my experiences to my mom, she only responds with some vaguely unbothered variation of "oh thats icky". Nothing else. nobodys ever really given me any emotional support about this, nobody cares about this even a FRACTION as much as I care about it (its also an ongoing stalking situation and the memories and fear all of it creates in me make my day to day life miserable even now! 👍) and im just struggling to understand it... Why are these things suddenly less impactful, less meaningful, when it's somebody you know? Why are so many people so fixated on the idea of A Stranger coming in out of the blue and harming you, but they never bother wondering the same about people they recognize and interact with frequently? I mean obviously I know the reason for this thats a rhetorical question but I'm just struggling really hard with this, I wish my family cared and I wish i didn't feel so alone with all of this the way I have for years and years now. I want to understand what's going on in my mom's head. If she's afraid I'll be harmed, why doesn't she care about THIS harm? Did she think it wasn't bad enough?... It was definitely bad enough for me, I doubt I'd still be here if it was any worse. Or is she just scared more by the idea of me being killed after and therefore losing me? But then why the fixation with rape specifically... I dont even want to finish this thought i dont know man

#cw rape mention #cw sa mention #personal

[majorbaby]

im poc and i have a hard time watching mash at points when it comes to the treatment of klinger and the korean characters. not bashing it — it’s a favorite and it was a product of its period — but i wish people cared about issues like that like they cared about the mash shipping discourse of the week — the scope just seems very narrow and from a place of … idk ignorance. sorry for this rant rip :(

my short response to this is: unfortunately shit's hitting the fan right now because of the creation of some version of the trapper vs BJ poll once on the hour, which i maintain, just makes everyone unhappy. there's one going around (you know the one) that is a major upset because the frontrunner is losing and the few who delight in repeated confirmation of the same information are experiencing what it's like to lose (in a highly scientific tumblr poll), for the first time, and therefore things are getting even uglier.

i hope we all come to our senses soon but tbh, so many fandoms have been ruined by ship wars, i'm not confident that we shouldn't be bracing for impact...

no worries about the vent. i'm especially interested in racialized voices in fandom, provided people are willing to put themselves out there. i'll take any opportunity to talk about race on MASH, usually at length. long answer below:

i’m gonna take this apart a little:

im poc and i have a hard time watching mash at points when it comes to the treatment of klinger and the korean characters

i can sympathize with this. it’s one thing to watch something that is racist and another thing to be in a fandom environment where that stuff tends to go largely over peoples heads, and not always maliciously, but because if you’re not affected by something and you haven’t idk, gone to film school, then you may not blink.  it can be very un-fun in a smaller fandom.

i’ve talked at length about how the “S1-3 = immoral and unwatchable, S4-11 = good and pure” is just about the whitest thing i’ve ever heard, but i’ve recently also been thinking a lot about how sex, women and marriage are treated in the early years and… i don’t agree that the later years treat women better, as an overarching statement.  

i maintain that the most egregious narrative crime that MASH committed was having its pro-army moments in the later years, and that’s my opinion. but no era of the show is free from instances of astounding racism and additionally, it does set itself up to stumble into these moments that aren’t “racism” against any one individual but are still prioritizing the experiences of the white main cast over the korean people, in a show about the korean war. 

additionally, some of the casting quirks/lack of continuity are distasteful in some instances and completely fine in others depending on who’s involved. white guy playing multiple generals across different episodes? a non-issue, or potentially a comment on the hivemind of army drones, carrying out their duties without a second thought of the impact they’re having on others. a handful of non-korean, east asian actors playing 100 korean characters across the entire show? hard for me to see how this doesn’t reinforce the idea of the asian monolith, which was another factor in the brutal slaughter of korean civilians during the korean war. 

you have to ask yourself, is it worth it? am i getting something of value from this show that outweighs the parts you’re gritting your teeth to get through? i’ve decided that i do and it sounds like you have too, but there are still a few moments i find completely unwatchable – not many, but they exist. the last five minutes (not including the epilogue) of S03E01 The General Flipped at Dawn is one example – I was so uncomfortable with the minstrelsy at the end and the idea that they had to go that far for everyone to believe that steele was unwell was too much for me to ever rewatch. henry and hawk are appropriately disgusted, and the MP seems to be as well, but I just can't stand to look at the expression of officer williams’ face when it happens. it’s not worth it! i feel similarly about the scene in S06E21 when winchester refers to finding the right woman to marry to be about finding the right kind of “breeding stock” after margaret confides in him about her troubles with her in-laws. it was unnecessary. 

but i wish people cared about issues like that like they cared about the mash shipping discourse of the week 

you can do both. i’ve definitely done both. i try to stay out of it because i think shipping wars are a net negative for fandom communities, but the thing is, shipping biases are also not free of our personally held biases, and it grinds my gears when those personal biases take precedence over what is being said in the narrative. i’m hearing “it’s just a headcanon” a lot but more and more it is unclear to me what being asserted as a headcanon and what is being asserted as intentional messaging within a narrative. i am not saying anyone needs to give a shit about the canon, that’s not really my thing. but i do think we need to be able recognize what the canon is saying. 

for example, it’s important i be able to point out that episodes like the Kids, Kim and Yessir that’s our baby are saying “our white heroes care so deeply about these nameless korean orphans, aww isn’t that sweet” so that i can talk about why the non-korean writers can be so sure it will evoke a certain emotional response in a largely white, American audience. perhaps that is annoying to people but i think it is far more annoying to watch tv while brown and see people who look like you being orphaned or brutalized or what have you without any agency, so that they can be rescued by a white person. 

i appreciate that you might need to vent about how you feel and that’s completely justified, but i’ve also found that those who feel they are targeted by such complaints just feel antagonized and “called out” and become even less responsive to your perspective. i’ve tried to deal with it another way by caring about the things that i wish more people cared about (#race on MASH) and i’ve generally found that the response to that work has been positive. 

fandom is never going to be a place where shipping isn’t the dominant activity. every once in awhile a post floats around about how someone wishes there was more genfic, or more fics about women characters or racialized characters, or that xyz racist thing wasn’t turned into an uwu shipping moment for the nearest couple of bland ass white dudes. and as someone who does love a good uwu shipping moment, when i see posts like that, i mostly look the other way. in my mind, there’s enough work out there that is meant for me, so i don’t take it personally when someone else out there is venting about their experience, which happens to be in the minority. it’s in poor taste for the winning side to gripe about the 1% of time we have to see something that isn’t for us. 

there could be some value though, in talking about the intersection of “shipping discourse” and “race issues” rather than seeing them as two opposing sides. i have a whole post about it i’m working on, but it’s interesting to me that the canonical romantic plot at the forefront of GFA (Klinger and Soon-Lee) is largely untouched in discussions about romance in GFA. 

I have eyes and ears, I know what “I’ll never be able to shake you” sounds like and I’m not trying to take that from anyone – I’m gonna ask for some grace here as a brown gay man myself and tell you that I’m not trying to pit gay love against love between two racialized characters. but it’s important that a character like Klinger, a Lebanese man played by a Lebanese actor, on the most-watched series finale of all time, got to be the romantic hero of the episode. That was a hell of a choice, and it was done intentionally, in a good way. I’m here in 2023 and asian men are still routinely emasculated or otherwise seen as “not an option” wrt sex and romance – to echo a similar statement delivered by Nurse Kellye in s11e01 Hey look me over!. And this is without even really talking about Soon-Lee for now, because I’m going to save that for my “Klinger and Soon-Lee are the romantic leads of GFA” essay. 

I’d also say that i don’t need anyone to care “as much” about xyz as they do about shipping, because as i mentioned before, you’re gonna be in for a bad time if you have that expectation - i say that with love! but it would be nice if people cared at all and didn’t go around shouting down or vagueing at anyone who dares to point out that MASH, like any other thing, isn’t free from criticism. i’ve used h*rry p*tter as an example before because not everyone was shocked that JKR is a massive TERF and a racist and antisemite. people have been talking about her bullshit since the books were published, and some fans are still even willing to separate JKR the person from her books, as though they didn’t come out of her, and as though there aren’t clear examples of her various biases against marginalized people woven all throughout her books. 

so while i wouldn’t say people are ignoring race in favour of shipping discourse, i do think it’s fair to say that race is largely ignored and when it does get talked about, i feel a sort of… resistance. i am frustrated right now by a post i saw that seemed to take a shot at people who try to talk about the real war that happened in korea on a show that is set during the korean war because i don’t know what to make of it. i’m not encouraging anyone to go around yelling at people who are having fun with their lil fanfics and posts and stuff, but i also don’t think it’s an epidemic that is worth vagueing about, and then that post getting quite popular rubs me the wrong way, which perhaps it shouldn’t, i just don’t know what it’s in reaction to because to be honest with you i don’t see a lot of people talking about the war in this fandom? 

for me it comes down to having some level of self-awareness, which we’re called to do in the real world in any communal space, and i wish would apply more to fandoms. like, we recognize the social status and privilege of the “BNF” right? so who’s on the other side of that? who’s at the table, who isn’t etc, all conversations that should be had in all spaces. respectfully, if possible. 

thanks for the ask. i hope you can seek out some people who are supportive of your views and willing to chat with you about them. 

#mash #mashblr #race on mash #ship wars #fandom fandom #replies #re: mash

[menalez]

>quintissential pink washing wait have i've said something wrong? i'm sorry if i came across as obtuse or anything, like i said i am pro-palestine and definitely care about the obvious genocide they're facing right now. i do agree that now is not the time to play identity politics or w/e, i just also want to care for gay people whenever they bring up homophobia in other groups because of course i'm against homophobia no matter what. i do think it's tone deaf for white western gay men and lesbians to talk about the hamas homophobic sentiments during a genocide, but it's like. palestenian homosexuals exist too???? and i worry that after all is said and done, they might murder muslim gay people regardless of the outcome of this situation. i am not gay nor muslim so i can't really talk about this anyway, but yeah i just wanted your thoughts as a mena lesbian yourself so that i can learn more

i mean yes exactly palestinian gay ppl exist too so like i’m not saying support hamas or sth but using israel’s talking points about how they’re better bc they’ve got gay rights (not even true, theyre just not as bad in that regard) is indeed partaking in pinkwashing. very often when people discuss stuff like racism against MENA people or hate crimes against muslims or how our countries are being actively destroyed by the west, ppl will almost justify it by saying that supporting us and not wanting us to die and our countries to be in shambles is somehow supporting homophobia. or they’ll be like “yeah but the homophobia there is so bad” like .. yes? and how is destroying our countries supposed to change that? and it’s quite annoying that these topics get brought up at a time like this for example when palestinians are being killed at such high rates. including gay palestinians. one of my dear friends is a gay palestinian guy and he also made a similar comment to the one ur quoting and it comes from the frustration of only seeing ppl care about gay rights in our countries (& using gay rights in our countries to victimise themselves rather than. yanno thinking about the gay people who actually live there and have to deal with the homophobia) when we’re being bombed or killed or otherwise seriously harmed as a population.

i feel like when ppl want to discuss homophobia in the middle east, they very often do it in this .. tonedeaf way. i’ve had to deal with white & western people literally try to use the homophobia in my country against me, to demonise ME for being brown & born into islam, as if it hasn’t directly affected me & has never affected them. it’s so frustrating having ur own struggles used against u in order to then justify the harm against u or even move the discussion from ur people being killed. idk how else to say it, but basically i get why brown ppl get frustrated when white western gay ppl see our countries being destroyed and decide now is the time to talk about how if they lived in our countries they would totally face homophobia therefore our countries are bad. maybe there’s ppl who go about it in a better way but i’ve generally seen it done in a way that almost dismisses our struggles & centres themselves, hence my distaste

(also don’t worry u don’t need to apologise, im not angry at u or sth im just trying to explain how i’ve seen this phenomena. might look for what my friend has said about it as a gay palestinian bc he’s definitely way better at expressing his thoughts than i am)

[nellycanwrite]

okay so!!! i just caught up with lmfe and I! AM! LOVING! IT!!! I CANT EXPRESS MY UNDYING LOVE FOR THAT FIC!!! THE WRITING??? THE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT??? THE ANGST???? CHEF'S KISS I TELL YA!!! i love how you write reader!!! she's not the stereotypical kind mom who went through trauma, but she's unconsciously projecting it to her kids (not that it's a good thing irl, but some write characters as strong people who just gets over the trauma, yknow?? we actually see reader going through trauma so subtly that you cant even tell it's there!) there's something about the way you write that really brings me in and it's just so poetic!!! I LOVE IT!!!

i have a few theories up in my mind about whats gonna happen, and im not sure if theyre all right but it's worth a shot! it's okay not to answer because you know, spoilers and stuff (but i hope you do answer!!!)

Mateo's going to die (I HOPE NOT). if not dead then maybe just sick???? I DONT KNOW NELLY. YOU FORESHADOWED SCARY SHIT IN THE LAST FEW CHAPTERS ABOUT MATEO AND IM SCARED

And THIS chapter!! i handle tarot cards before and I just know that these are tarot card descriptions!!! i never would have thought about it until i saw this line "he sits in all of his glory with the keys of Heaven at his feet" and i immediately knew this was The Hierophant! WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING HERE NELLY?? IF YOURE SUGGESTING ONE OF THE KIDS WILL BE REBELLING THEN IM GOING TO GO WILD im still figuring out the other descriptions of the vision because i just had to come here IMMEDIATELY before i can make sense of them!!

Also i think Encanto is?? going?? TO WAR?? YOUVE BEEN FORESHADOWING SO MANY SHIT EVEN IN THE BEGINNING CHAPTERS THAT I FEEL LIKE IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN SOON???

i still have so many theories in mind!!! im rereading all the chapters as we speak because i am deep into this story.

(also i didnt realize that this became super long because i just went on a ramble. I AM SO SORRY!! I LOVE LMFE SO MUCH THAT I JUST WENT ON AND ONE WITHOUT KNOWING)

Okay first of all, oH MY GOD ANON. GODDAMN. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ENJOYING AND SUPPORTING THE STORY💖💖💖 I REALLY APPRECIATE IT! I never expected this much love to go into the fic since it’s frankly my first time writing something so long and detailed! Your support really just warmed my heart in all the right spots💖

Super glad you noticed the details I put into writing! I didn’t want to write the reader as this perfect mom who just had trauma then moved on. I wanted her to try to move on but unconsciously internalized her fears until it became a part of her, therefore projecting it to her kids as she raised them. It’s unconscious and frankly unnoticeable, at least, I hope I wrote it subtly enough that it’s implied. I didn’t want to outright say it, so I wrote it through the reader’s interactions with Bruno and the kids.

The general idea of the reader's character is based on Alma’s own, as I had intended for the reader to be a mirror of Alma’s ways. @cheesy-cryptid and I joked about how the reader is an ‘Alma kinnie’, but those lines ring true; Reader is—in a way—Alma’s counterpart. Reader has been under Alma’s wing since she was a baby, and she desperately wants her approval. The way Alma raised her also influenced her way of raising the kids. If you look at it in another way, Reader is what the Madrigal grandkids would be like if they had listened to Abuela’s every instruction without fail (generational trauma amirite). This will especially be proven true in later chapters. And I think you know when it’s going to happen if we follow through the film’s timeline.

Now for your theories💖 I want to tell you everything I have planned, but you already know that a big red SPOILER is going to greet you on the face😭 But I can at least answer some of your theories!

First off, you are correct! Chapter 47 did imply tarot cards! And you got the part where one of the kids is The Hierophant! I think you already know based on the description that it’s our lovely boy Javi💖 I’ll keep the other two tarots hush hush for now until you can figure it out😏 All of the tarots have meaning to them that will foreshadow the future of the story, so do your best on deciphering them!

About Mateo…I’ll leave that to your imagination until I can reveal it in future chapters XP But u h , let’s just say it’s not going to end well for him.

And about Encanto going to war…well, the truth is— //[REDACTED]

Thank you thank you THANK YOU SO MUCH for reading Love Me for Eternity! It really means a lot to me to see you all so invested! Keep those theories coming, even how long it’s going to be! I won’t mind at all (in fact, I really enjoy the long asks and messages!) I really love to read everything that you can think of!💖 I really do take pride at the fact that none of ya’ll can anticipate my next move for the story, especially when we reach post-canon *evil chuckles* But maybe I’m wrong and someone can actually figure it out, who knows XP

#nelly answered #bruno madrigal #bruno madrigal x reader #encanto x reader #encanto bruno #answered asks #love me for eternity #lmfe #bruno madrigal angst #encanto fanfiction #encanto ao3 #ao3 writer #potential spoilers #bruno madrigal fankids #disney #alma madrigal #tio bruno #disney encanto #papa bruno #war? what war? #im not promising anything in the future just so you know ehe

[dianaraven]

👀 👀 👀 tell me about your OCs

SORRY this took me so long to reply to, my brain was occupied with school 😭

ANYWAY, rn i got two Big oc projects that i'm obsessed with

first, is the oldie and goldie who ive talked about before on here. It's called The Makings of Magic (for a while it was under the tag tMoM on my blog but it has gone through so many changes since then that idk how much of that info is accurate)

The main character is Alic (prev Alec or Alexis) and shes the worlds biggest jock! (This is her and her bestie Gray by @lovermyme)

She plays in the minor leagues of a fantasy world sport. The story is about a big magical mystery in-world that the Bad Guys think that she's at the center of (the scars are from magical torture she endures during the course of the series) and she has no idea what is going on (ever). She's a big ol' dumb dumb... think the classic cool jock mc you're used to seeing in fantasy... that's her. She's not afraid of anything, as Gray says, Alic's like when you were a kid and did something dangerous knowing you could get hurt, but did it anyway and did, and thought it was still worth it and want to do it again. Her biggest character trait is being genuine and one of my favorite hobbies is doing crossovers (in my head) with other series where people lie a lot and aren't nice to each other and putting her in there until she annoys them into expressing themselves in appropriate ways (lol get Alic'ed). Anyway, I've had her since I was 10 y/o and I love her <3

Gray: Gray is her bestie and he and Alic are sorta in a qpr (its the best possible way I can explain their relationship). He's the prince of Alic's country and spends all of his time bending his personality to fit others, except for Alic where the two of them can share exactly 1 (one) braincell and cause Problems and i love that for him. He and their other friend Topaz are competency kink together. Him and Alic are asking you what the spanish word for tortilla is.

Topaz: Topaz! My boy! My baby boy! Topaz spends his days spying on other people, and most importantly trying to keep Alic out of trouble. He's the manager of Alic's team after Alic gets him the job by forcing him to be friends with her. He's still learning how to like, be a good friend but he loves Alic and would do anything for her, and eventually comes to love Gray too.

I'm not going to go into the rest of my ocs in this story here cuz we'd be here all day lol, but this is a taste of tMoM

Other series of mine I'm currently obsessed with is a fantasy thief series called Crystal Kingdom, and its MCs are Ziraphir and Leihari

I've never spoken about them here before but babe i gotta be honest im so obsessed with them, and since their series is a trilogy (which leads into a few companions in the world cuz the world is funky) and Alic's series, after over a decade of worldbuilding, is like.... 8, just for the main story, companions aside, that this is probably going to get finished and therefore, published first but Alic & co remains my most favoritest mcs

ANYWAY

Zira: my man... my cringe fail bi loser... my silly rabbit... Ziraphir is the mark. He's a grumpy prince who spends most of his time trying to catch all of the thieves who are constantly trying to rob him (for plot reasons) and its made him grumpy and rude and a little paranoid, but he's still infinitely lovable because.. like.. he's still an okay person despite being cringe fail. Dude's a walking carnival music. He's eating out of the garbage but like with dignity. He's petty and mean and hates everyone (except his bestie). He helps little kids with their homework. He's constantly losing. You know the drill.

Leihari: Girl may or may not be the bane of Ziraphir's existence. He isn't sure yet. She and he also get married at the end of b1 and that comes back to bite Zira. She also may or may not be a thief trying to rob Zira, but one thing is for sure, she's so much cooler than he will ever be. She's loving and caring, and most importantly, constantly winning. She's also petty and mostly pissed at Zira because he doesn't trust her, despite her giving him no reason not to (except that every new person he's met in the past three years has tried to rob him). It's so hard for her because even when Zira does finally fall in love with her, he's still constantly rude to her because he still thinks she's trying to rob him. Their relationship is fraught with tension because Zira, who is a good prince and a kind prince etc, is never actually nice to Leihari who falls in love with him despite herself. But eventually Zira gets over himself, and they get married, and live happily ever after... or do they?

I also have another series the first book of which i wrote for 2020 nano, but haven't started submitting to publishers yet bc it's a duology and I want my first published novel to be a standalone, but it you look up my diana writes stp tag you'll see a bunch of sneak peeks and stuff there, so lightning round cuz i guess i should mention them too: Save the Princess (or StP) is a duology set in a not-historically-accurate ancient israel where dragons are a thing, it's a prince and the pauper retelling

Adina: The prince, in this case. Adina is the opposite of a fantasy mc in the same way that Alic is the embodiment of one. Adina is awkward and constantly wrong, causes her own enemies (sometimes). Very quiet and polite and a little bashful and in no way understands how to use a sword (is actually kinda scared of hers). Adina is a princess whose brother just died suddenly and has no other male relatives able to take the crown and so now instead of preparing to being married off to someone else for a political alliance, she needs to actually learn about her own country and decides the best way to do this is to switch places with

Mara: a commoner who happens to look exactly like Adina, haha how funny crazy and not suspicious at all is that. Mara is angry and secretive and deadpan and the complete opposite of Adina... but she sure does look like her 🤔

Dekeli: Dekeli! My bastard man! Dude is the narrative pisser-off-er of Adina. He brings her out of her shell and is only technically around her because he's blackmailing her. That being said, he's also the only person she can trust. He's a main character in b1 but doesn't show up much in b2 which is very sad and we're all sad about it. He's funky, sarcastic, and likes teasing Adina.

#diana writes #nonns #diana replies #my ocs #the makings of magic #ck #stp #tmom #i had more portraits of all of them on my other phone but apparently those pics didnt save so theyre gone forever #these were the ones i could find in chat backlogs #diana's ocs #oc asks #diana wants attention #sorry for being so vague here i really wanna talk about my ocs constantly but plots im afraid to share cuz its the internet #also cuz im trying to avoid spoilers in case yall are actually interested enough to read the real books

[its-elvie-innit]

Tw vent (sorry i know im making a lot of these)

I hope that she isn't actually looking at my blog like she said, but if anyone saw that post from my irl we did (kind of) make up. (She is still adamant that dream is not a groomer. She's wrong) but something that kind of freaks me out is apparently she would "check up on me" through my blog? As though it were an innocent thing. I put a lot of personal stuff on this blog; yes I had her discord and therefore her Twitter name so I did check it twice within the last two months to see how she was reacting to certain bits of dream news but she doesn't use Twitter as a personal diary. In fact, I only really ever checked her likes to see what her opinion was. I don't remember her going to ask my permission for going through my blog, I think it was something I strongly said not to do when I sent her links when we WERE friends. I think that permission, if it was ever given, would be obvious to be rescinded once she (she!!!!) Stopped talking to me over dream. And especially when I sent her links about his issues. And especially when I blocked her right after. Because, yknow. She stopped talking to me over an abuser she didn't even know.

Knowing she did that with the express purpose to check up on me, and most importantly, understand my personal life without ever letting me know is so disturbing and makes me kind of sick. She read my vent post about wilbur. I know I'm semi-vulnerable when I talk about my mental health on here, but mentally I go through so much and I have such an incredibly hard time telling my close irl friends about it, much less someone I haven't talked to since June and who violated my trust. None of my friends know I'm casually suicidal currently. That's a tough word to use. None of my closest, best friends know about my mental health struggles because I find it semi-impossible to get a word in when it's these specific topics. And I'm okay with that, not really, but I'm working on it. But knowing she went onto my blog, without my knowledge, and willingly read something under a readmore when she knows we weren't friends and I wasn't aware of her access to this blog makes me so insecure and makes me feel like my own social media isn't a safe area to put my thoughts down

She has my Instagram. We have mutual friends. I think she even has my snapchat, which we never blocked each other on. It's not like my tumblr was rhe only way she could reach out. It's not like if it was, she was ever allowed to read a personal vent post.

It's set me back. I kind of hate her a little bit for it? At least I'm interpreting it as hate, because otherwise I'll call it compartmentalization and I'll get really sad because I've been trying to get myself out of the "box my feelings away" pit. I just can't believe someone who would care about me would do that. On purpose. Those thoughts aren't in my real life for a reason, and gosh it really does suck to have an area like this violated. Sorry, the reason I'm making this post is kind of to ask; that's not normal, right? It's not an implied thing that you can come onto a person's blog after the friendship is gone and read their personal diary-like posts if you've stopped talking right? That's not just a me thing? I want justifications to feel a little hurt and insecure I guess I don't know. It's taking a lot to not post this on an alternative blog I'm sorry.

#tw suicide mention #but its very small #this is just a little question post i guess

[taxfraudhousewife]

guys my autistic ass made a post asking pro lifers why they’re pro life and now i regret it cos i can’t look at my notifications cos they piss me the fuck off lmao i’m too pussy to delete the post cos i want it for autism purposes but still i’m gonna complain about their opinions even tho IM the one who ASKED for their opinions even tho I GAVE SOMEONE SHIT for being mean to the pro lifers in the comments IM SORRY OK

like idk wtf i thought i was getting into asking pro lifers on the internet i was literally asking for it and in this instance it is ok to victim blame cos im the victim of my own autism and this is literally my fault

idk sometimes i start to think that pro lifers only exist in the US and like poland cos i never hear express pro life sentiments irl BECAUSE I TALK TO NORMAL FUCKIN PEOPLE and the few ppl i do know who say they’re pro life are actually pro choice but in like a ✨catholic✨way

i cannot shut the fuck up about this but like in my personal opinion if u live in america and are pro life u gotta get ur shit sorted out cos ur opinions r genuinely dangerous for women in that country like u can be pro life when access to abortion is unrestricted that’s fine but don’t go ruining shit for everybody just cos you don’t have common sense

like idc if ur canadian and pro life cos i rly don’t think in my lifetime we’ll lose any abortion rights so u can go off and spread ur weird ideology ur very much a non threat so i accept ur freedom of speech or whatever

also like i went to catholic school (shocker it turned me into a gay anarcho socialist pro choice atheist) and like there was a pro life club obviously and oh my god maybe i’m just triggered as fuck bc of my pro life club trauma (if u had a pro life club at school u know it’s literally trauma)

also this rant happened bc one of the ppl on my post used the word “scientifical” and im sorry but if u say the word scientifical when talking about literal human rights idk honestly ur probably a lot happier and have a more fulfilling life than me if u don’t think too hard about this so like good for u and im jealous

also like i know i never specifically said i only want woman opinions on the post (cos men opinions are what fucked us over in the first place and therefore are important to understand) but the AMOUNT OF MEN IS INSANE TO ME like i think in general abortion conversations im used to men allowing women to have more influence in the conversation because it’s literally about women BUT THE AMOUNT OF MEN TALKING ALL THIS SHIT IS SO CRAZY YO ME WE WOULDNT NEED ABORTIONS IF U COULD TAME UR SKIN SNAKE YOU ABSOLUTE FREAK GET OUT

anyway i think that’s funny

[thelemmallama]

Sorry for the lack of clarity. For the first point, I meant that I think that it is acceptable for someone who has sexual fantasies about children to lie and say that they don't. I think that this is acceptable because they could reasonably expect harm to come to them if other people knew that about them. In the diagram it seems to say that it is wrong to lie because it restricts peoples ability to act, and I think it is reasonable to restrict other peoples ability to act in a way which would harm you without good reason. (For now I'll just suppose it is not reasonable to harm someone for sexually fantasizing about children, since I don't think any of the ones I have seen are convincing).

I didn't catch that the person asking you was supposed to be a child in this scenario. I agree that it would be sexual harassment to go up to someone and say that you fantasize sexually about someone unprompted, but it would be fine to say so if they asked. I don't entirely buy that is sexual assault to mention in someones presence that you are especially attracted to people that share some trait with them.

I think the reason it is assault to come up to someone and say "Hey, I think about fucking you" is because it in some way constitutes a threat of rape or coercion. It does more than merely communicate the fact that you have had sexual fantasies about them, in the way them catching you jerking off to pictures of them might. I don't think that people have a right not to know that other people think about them naked or whatever. Maybe if we destroyed le patriarchy or instituted free love the act of letting people know that you do think about them naked unprompted would be morally neutral and not carry the threat of rape, maybe not. I am talking out of my ass here, but it's the way I think about I think about it anyway.

Well, in regards to children, I think your argument is (1. It is only acceptable to tell someone you fantasize about them or a group they belong to sexually if they consent to it, (2. Children cannot consent, (3. Therefore, it is never acceptable to tell a child that you sexually fantasize about them or a group they belong to. So, I think (1 is a little unconvincing, because I don't think the unacceptable thing is not having something unconsensually communicated to you per se, but a social gesture or relation implicit in that communication which can constitute a threat of violence or coercion. I don't think communicating that you sexually fantasize about a group of people to someone in that group contains the same implication, at least not necessarily. I apologize if my vocabulary seems vague or pretentious, but it's the best way I can find to express my thoughts. As for (2., I find it hard to agree to in the way I wrote it. Children of course can consent to some things, if not sex. I'll give some ideas I find more plausible, even if I am not entirely convinced of all of them. I'm not trying to say that you agree with the ideas, just that they might support your conclusions, if I am interpreting them correctly.

It is wrong and possibly harmful to discuss sex with younger children, and/or to teach them about sex. I'll define younger children as under 12 or so, others might define it otherwise. The reason I say younger is because I feel it is helpful and appropriate to teach children around the time of reaching puberty about sexuality, and I think most people including you would agree. Someone might think it is wrong to discuss sex with younger children because it causes developmental issues or some type of harm.

If someone disagrees that children are harmed simply by knowing about sexuality too young, I think they could make this argument. (1. Children cannot consent to sexual activities. (2. Answering in the affirmative to someone asking you if they find them attractive, or answering in the affirmative to someone asking if you find a group they belong to attractive, can be a way of beginning a sexual relationship with them. Imagine somebody comes up to me and asks me if I think they're hot, or if an asian persons asks me if I like asians. It would not be unreasonable if you thought that they were proposing sex or some sort of sexual relationship, and by answering in the affirmative to that question, I am agreeing to that proposition. You might say the same thing if someone had the same interaction with a child. I think a significant flaw in this argument is that, in the former examples, I could answer "Yes, but I'm married and don't want to cheat" or "I'm attracted to asian people, but not men". So answering in the affirmative to that sort of a question would not necessarily constitute an agreement to a sexual relationship. I think the question of whether you find someone attractive and whether you sexually fantasize about them function similarly in this regard, although they have different literal meanings.

Discussing sexual fantasies with someone can also constitute a sexual activity in itself. This can even be the case if neither party is attracted to the other, which is pretty common with straight guys on the internet. It isn't necessarily a sexual activity though, it's pretty different from two guys sending porn to each other for a guy to talk to his therapist about his sexual fantasies. Maybe the distinction is whether either one or both parties is getting pleasure from it, but I'd have to think about it more.

I'm getting pretty tired, so I'll send another ask tomorrow maybe where I'll try to give an idea of what I actually find acceptable or unacceptable to talk about with children, clarify what i've said, and respond to the rest of your reply. Apologies if there are mistakes or parts of it make no sense, like I said, I'm tired.

Now worries, take your time! (I don't always have a response promptly either ^^;)(And I'm always happy to just ask clarifications if I don't understand something)

I see! I believe that situation can also be explained by the 'necessary evil' framework. In an situation where you're forced to either tell the truth (risking harm to yourself) or lie (restricting others' agency), the true evil in that situation would be the person intending to harm you for telling the truth (assuming the truth is something that one shouldn't hurt others over). However the lie is still categorized as a 'necessary evil' (it's not something you want to do all else being equal).

For the record, I believe it's unreasonable to categorically harm people for fantasizing sexually about children (or any other thing I consider wrong) because they "deserve it". Especially given the current social climate where people are simultaneously told to "seek help" (implying desire-for-children can be cured altogether) and also that they're a paraphile (implying desire-for-children is an unchangeable part of who they are).

But I do believe it's reasonable to apply some degree of force (even if only social stigma) to deter wrongs (of which "fantasizing sexually about children" I consider one). But that has to come with a rejection of paraphilia theory; it CANNOT happen in a society that believes fantasizing sexually about children is something some people can't help but be drawn towards doing. It's 100% reasonable for people to reject being condemned for not doing the (ostensibly) impossible.

2. The person asking wasn't intended to be anyone in particular; it could be a minor, or an adult. (Again, I also consider it harmful to answer in the positive when being asked by an adult in a space containing children or non-consenting parties)

2(a) I'm personally not convinced by the 'threat of rape or coersion' argument ^^; Many people would still feel violated if they stumbled across someone jerking off to pictures of them, and wrt patriarchy, I believe straight men also feel violated sometimes when other men or women they find unattractive communicate a sexual interest in them.

2(b) You're basically correct about my argument :] And your 3rd possibility ("discussing sexual fantasies with someone can also constitute a sexual activity in itself") is closest to how I see things. Admittedly, I haven't hashed things out thoroughly myself, but here's a rough attempt:

The subject of sexual focus has to do with one of the parties involved

In general, some degree of 'personal-ness'?

Neither party need to feel sexual pleasure (or even arousal) from the discussion

sexual activity: - straight guys joking about their male friend being hot

not sexual activity: - guys sharing porn (unless the porn is focused on one of the guys or a party they identify with (e.g. a guy of their race/"type"/etc)) - talking about sexual fantasies with a therapist (unless sexual fantasy involve the therapist themself) - sex ed (it's an impersonal "here's how sex works" kind of deal; no-one listening in would feel a sense of "this is about me" when they don't want it to be - i.e. "if i don't want to have sex, it's not about me")

But really it has to do with empirical data about people's experiences; the fact is minors have reported feeling violated by people disclosing an attraction to minors, and I doubt it's all because of stigma. For instance, having your choice of outfit closely scrutinized as a kid feels violating because you feel the adult's eyes on your body, and this happens even when there's no stigma involved in policing minors' choice of clothing (because the adult's attention on your body is understood as not-a-sign-of-sexual-desire).

Dismissing minors' self-reports of their experiences with/feelings about disclosure-of-fantasy as stigma is the same logic pederasty apologists use to say minors are only traumatized by "contact" because of stigma.

(re: whether you find someone attractive vs whether you sexually fantasize about them) I suppose everything I said here about "fantasize about children" here can be generalized to "finding children attractive, and not diverting your focus elsewhere or working through it for the sake of eliminating your attractions (which I claim are possible)(and I don't count "arousal with a negative emotional valence attached" as "attraction")"

#anti para #pro para #cw csa #share freely no attribution necessary

[private-bowling-ball]

i keep talking about this but the 4kids yugioh dub is so bad and i like the noises that my keyboard makes so im gonna start ranting and blabbing about yugioh gx and stuff, i dont kow what will come of this i cannot forsee it. in the yugioh gx 4kids dub they got rid of a WHOLE ASS SEASON!!! and i was like, "they fucking killed judai? that make no scense?" bc 4kids doesnt kill people i think and also the 4kids on piece dub, im not even going to say anything i hate it way too much i cannot express it in words. and also a little bit gay i think bc yubel is a spirit and therefore has no gender so is gender nutreal or non'binary i dont know muck about the lgbtq community and differences between certain things sorry. but they cut out the entire season 4 wich gives alot more johan who i have a massive cruch on and i bet that whoever is reading this f anyone does than they'll be like wouldnt that make you gay? well im a gay 16 year old male and im actually bi wich means i like both genders and i laugh when i see torture and gory scenes in anime like when kaneki was being tortured by yamori i just thought the concept of a toe bucket was funny bc he was putting kanekis toes in a bucket i really like typing about things on my mind and it feels really good bc i like the keyboard noises and i already said that but no one is gonna read this so aklso hwenebver i watch a anime i set my heart on a ship at the very beginging if their's anything promising and then i see the chareters evolve a nd see if it would still work or work better and i thing that in bl animes should be more direct some times and when the seaon two of yuri on ic ecoems out im gonna fucking die bc the people making it might make ships more cannon and my gay ass gets to see more of pilitski and is it just me or when yuri is wearing his glasses does he look kinga like fiuery from fma and fmag im aware that i spelled his name wrong but i dont know how to spell it so that sucks for me i keep writing about loosely related topiccs and i looked into yugioh gx 4kids dub more and i found out that they were dubbing it wthout paying or without concesnt and then htey got sued by the original company making the yugioh anime so they had to cut off seasson 4 and give i ta shitty ending and i really hate sho hes a stupid asshol and hes stupid and also theirs a guy in beyblade name sho i think and he did a thiing with his hair one time and that made my 9 yer old self feel gay wich i am 16 now i just watched that when i was nine and i was denying tthat i was attracted to a male charecter and i ememebetr when i was twleve i watched death note for the first time and i thought misa was hot and i was thibking that ii wanted to band her so bad, i was a really impure child wich i sitll am a minor but my best frieng jessie s two years older than me so he isnnt and also yknow judai from yugioh gx? well hanako from toilet boung hanako kiuns blue ghosty orby thingy is called haaku-joudai or somehing like that and i fing hanakos mental state very interesting to rad about and im buying the manga nad im so damn exited i read it onling eaarlier on crunchyroll nd i dindnt finish the manda but ive seen he anime three times and i noticed that hanako has the same sub voice actor as izuku midoriya from my hero acedamia and i thought that that was cool and i should stop ive been writing for over tn minutes and i keep a little record of my anime ants and me typing about stuff on my phone wich is difficult to type on bc its an old flip phone wich reminds me of this old show i used to watch aboutdragons that ate flipphoes and i forgot the rest but im using my family's computer rn and im not on my account so i should fuck off by :)