#im so sorry i just cant talk to anyone about it and i need to ssay it somewhere

[angel-of-sweet-revenge]

When your friend needs you to be there to comfort them, but you have no energy for serious conversations and so you're stuck wondering if youre being a selfish asshole or if youre justified in not wanting to be the one to sort their problems out

#vent #its not like they didnt offer to hear my problems. but i just dont want to talk about. or anything #i dont want serious conversations. i dont want to have to worry about other people. i just cant. #im just so fucking exhausted and i dont know if its talking to them and feeling drained by the fact that theyre going through something- #-and that i need to be the therapist or if im just sick. again. #plus yesterday i slept late. my mum made me cry (i think she was just tired out by that point in the day so i doubt it was personal) #and just #im fucking tired ok #and I'm sorry im a bad friend #i just dont have energy. i want to have good energy around me to try give me some. #but when theyre upset it gets into me and drains me and I've been there as much as i can but i just cant right now. im too tired #i know im a shitty person but literally everyone got to be a shitty person at my expense so isnt it my fucking turn? #and then assuming i was acting like that to hurt them. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT ANYONE. IF WE HAVE A FIGHT I WANT TO MOVE ON. #I'm not gonna be caught up in it if we resolved it #but yeah. long story short they're going through shit and i feel like shit #and i think them going through shit is what makes me feel like shit. because i worry about them #and they can lash out on me #i just dont know anymore. i dont know if im an awful person or not #last year i broke up with a friend and my mum said I'll do the same with the next friend #it wasnt my fault #that friend ghosted me #im trying not to be her rn too and im scared that ive been in the wrong im scared im a shitty person too #but at the same time im too done to even really care #i just wanna stop fucking feeling all this and just get on with my day

[bittwitchy]

see the reality is i post on my rps usually when nobodys been there a bit and nobody is probably online, but the mental illness in me keeps saying its bc everyone secretly hates me and i dont deserve love, and when i tell a gov doctor that, they basically just say ‘take your antidepressant’s and shut up’ which is also funny when said gov doctor wont refill my fucking antidepressants in the first place

#what i need is smthn for my anxiety and PROBABLY the obviously worsening ocd #but anxiety meds and antidepressants dont mix well #just like adhd meds and anything else dont mix well #which is why i just have a redbull if i need to focus bx it works for a few hours and then i pass out #which isnt healthy but its better than going through the diagnosis process AGAIN bc they dont have my info anymore #its early sad times rn w brina who hasnt gotten an ounce of treatment at all hi #see the other thing is #if i talk about my mental health at all #people will either hate me for being annoying which is what my brain will pinpoint #or feel sorry for me which i also dont want #all i rly wanna do is vent but thats never really an option at all #like yes i know its not normal to want to have a breakdown and cry bc your fucking pillow isnt the correct fluff and wont dluff #i know its not normal to feel like you should die because something wasnt in fhe spot you put it in and was moved slightly #im aware. and the reality is nobody who can do anything about it cares #i have to get an authorization to see a therapist or get meds at all even tho the card claims i dont have to #and the doc tbey gave me wont give me one #they dont allow email so i cant leave a paper trail when bitching at them and my calls go ignored #im losing my mind steadily #and thats not even onto the physical problems #but also the sheer fucking audacity of the website being all ‘oh just go to ERs and UC snd we’ll cover it’ vs hospitals specifically saying #‘we will refuse you if you have Gov Ins unless you have the money to pay out of pocket #if youre on gov insurance you dont have fucking money thats the entire fucking point. you creedy fucknuts go shove tour nepotism in your #fucking eyes and die if anyone doesnt deserve to fuck its you fuckfaces #sometimes i just want to scream esp when this doesnt seem to be most other ppls issues #but then i talk to other women and it is #it just doesnt make sense and i hate it #but i never rly got help on private insurance either so #tbd #depression cw

[synthshenanigans]

there’s one on here currently and they’re bringing back up old controversy (jashshipping)

Yeaa I saw that. They also seem to post a bunch of CJ related things, so I might make the daily photos one since there isn't one for just CJ screenshots/photos

#im gonna be a fait bit busy today so I cant make it rn #also wont be making it tomorrow as there's another strike happening then [ill make a post on that later too btw] #but i want there to be an account just of stuff from the vids or of the ones he posts on twitter #as for the shipping thing #i wish ppl wouldn't be so rude with things sometimes man #my stance is basically the same as CJs. interpret it however you'd like just don't show it to ppl who are uncomfortable with it #also don't harass or be a dick to people who do or don't ship it #im glad it died down since then at least & that there's not a bunch of hate going around #this fandom is simultaneously really nice to be in & also really draining sometimes #tho it definitely isn't the worse. ive been in a lot of ones that are a LOT worse than here. big & small #place is actually quite nice mostly. despite some things that deserve needing to be called out [like some of the ableism toward Heart] #I think things would be a lot better if people just let others do their own thing. as long as its not like. fuckin illegal or offense #or against CJs boundaries. just let others vibe out in there own corner #ain't that what we all said when TH purists complain about CJs covers? No ones forcing you to consume the content. is all good #just stay where you're comfortable! if anyone's forcing you to look at their stuff then they're the issue. and that goes both ways #again just listen to what the guy said. don't show it to people that don't like it. don't harass people who do it don't like it. an like #just be groovy #sorry for the rant this has just been on my mind for months now #im generally very neutral on things but i hate everyone just yellin at each other when there doesn't need to be yelling in the first place #again this place is hell of a lot better than other spaces ive been in #its a main reason this is the first fandom I've actively participated a shit ton in #im actually using discord & talking [a bit] to other ppl for once lol #idk man i like it here. Just don't make a reason for people not to like it here #again apologies for the rant op. this has just been on my mind for some time & i really don't want shit being blown up again #also apologize if anythins spelled wrong or sounds like nonsense #shitty keyboard + dyslexia + not being able to edit tags can make dumb results lol #moss rants #[atlas asks]

[zenithpng]

‼️‼️ tw for suicidal ideation + vent in tags

#holy fuck my life is going well why am i suicidal again #like i just. wow! i want to die! #im just overcome with this horrible depression and i have no energy for anything #i feel so cold and i cant get warm #i dont even know what to do about it because everyone i trust is so far away from me #like should i try and see my therapist again? would it help? #i just hate talking to her because i have this weird need to be polite and not bother anyone with my bullshit #shes so nice but i just. have this weird brain i guess #the worst part is that the dumbest fucking thing tipped me over today too #and i have physics homework to finish. and a math test coming up that will make or break my grade. #and i just have *no energy* for anything. like im physically active and i eat well and fucking doing everything right but for some reason i. #just cant seem to work properly. #god what is wrong with me i hate everything about this situation and myself #i just dont wanna be alive any more fucking please #like im not gonna do it but damn. if not for my partner id probably go drown myself or something right now #sorry this is so depressing and long winded im such a mess #vent #delete later

[scattered-winter]

.

#the worst part about all this is that i Literally saw her 2 weeks ago. we didnt have time to talk we just said hi and went our separate ways #i never even got to say goodbye to her. #and i didnt even know i needed to because this was all so fucking sudden. she was my age. healthy. etc #life is really fucking fragile huh. like it can be gone just like that. #im sorry im just. #i was super close with her mom too and i want to idk. text her or something. but what the fuck can i even say?? #and my other friends in that friend group are all unavailable rn for one reason or another #like. no contact in another country kind of unavailable #so im just. do they even know. has anyone told them. or will they find out when they come back. #i still cant even wrap my head around it tbh. its just. she was alive this morning. she was alive. this morning. #hh. anyway. #i called my sister and cried to her a little bit which was nice. but fuck i really really wish i could hug her right now #or cuddle my dog. literally anything. #im going to be such a fucking mess tomorrow oh my god #i dont even want to go to sleep tonight because if i see her in my dreams im going to fucking lose it #i dont know. i dont fucking know. #winter speaks #personal #tw death #grief tag #<- i fucking guess. i might be venting more in the next few weeks so ill at least make it easy to blacklist

[taikk0]

JUST SAYING ONCE I LEARN TO PRONOUNCE MY T'S PROPERLY ITS OVER FOR YOU BUTTNUGGETS

#IVE ALWAYS PRONOUNCED T'S WITH MY TONGUE AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO FIX IT ITS BEEN THAT WAY FOR SO LONG #BUT ONE DAY. I WILL PRONOUNCE MY T'S SO GOOD YOULL THINK IM A WHITE PERSON #WHAT SUCKS TOO IS THAT IM BILINGUAL WHILE ENGLISH IS MY FIRST LANGUAGE I SPEAK TAGALOG MOST OF THE TIME BECAUSE OF MY ENVIRONMENT SO I- #-HAVE NO PROPER WAY OF PRACTICING IT BC FILIPINOS PRONOUNCE T'S DIFFERENTLY BC OF THE LANGUAGE AND UNLESS IM IN AN ENGLISH SPEAKING- #-SETTING THERES NO WAY IM GONNA BE ABLE TO PRACTICE CONSISTENTLY 💔💔 #even worse i slur over my words all the time. i have a stutter. i have VERY frequent voice cracks and when i try to suppress them i sound- #-ver odd. PLUS ADHD #idk if adhd might be one of the causes or of it gets added to the pile but dude i actually need help 💀💀 #but another problem is i dont think anyone would see the point in it #i communicate just fine its just that i have so much trouble communicating verbally (vocally?) in a way that isnt unnatural and in a way- #-that properly articulates what i want to say and how i say it. often i have so much trouble showing varied emotion to prove a point when- #-im referring or talking about something that isnt reactionary #LIKE DUDE WHY IS TALKING SO HARD 💔ALL PEOPLE CAN TALK WHY DO I HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH ALL PF THIS THIS SUCKS #which might be why i prefer writing what i want to say bc unlike talking the way i speak has nothing to do with it. i get given time to- #-think. and with an adhd brain writing what you want to say is so much better because typing it out involves the conscious decision to- #-type it all out and it acts as a filter #BLEFGGGH SORRY I KEEP BLABBERING ON THIS WSS SUPPPSED TO BE A SILLY LITTLE POST IDK WHY I WENT HAM IN THE TAGS #anyways umm yeah i dont like talking. i like communicating and maybe socializing tho. but not talking. does that make sense??? #there r also times where i straightup cant speak at all. i want to speak and i want to say things but my brain feels too busy or ig blank- #-but not empty and i cant form words or sentences and all i have are thoughts and feelings #anyways i think asl is neat and i want to learn it not just for my benefit but also for accessibility #also filipino sign language if im up for it #man there is something wrong w my brain 💀 #mikyomix rambles #yeah this one was a true ramble but only in the tags

[xamaxenta]

It’s difficult to not feel discouraged sometimes when your partner is also an artist and happens to be faster than you in every conceivable way

This doesn’t bother me often because everyone is different and comparing production time and skill against each other or anyone is detrimental mostly and its ok to have your own workflow

but it does weigh on me vaguely sometimes sometimes that she can finish 2-3 full coloured pieces within a week and ive been painfully scratching out the same number but theyre only sketches that ill never revisit within a month

None of this actually matters in the long run, it just makes me feel bad on occasion

#like i should be doing more #im very sorry for complaining so much online #i just dont really have any other way to express myself #i know some of you have generously and kindly reached out to me to offer an ear #but my fatal flaw is i cant talk to anyone about my problems i just idk it was beaten into me that none of it matter #matters or my problems arent a big deal and i know ots healthy to think actuallt my problems are worth talking about or a big deal #but its hard to change a behaviour that was kinda literally beaten jnto you that talking about stuff likw this is a waste of time #i guess i just feel bad that i could do more and i dont because i dont want to #but i also want to if that makes any sense at all #i suppose it also doesnt help that alot of the work im doing right now i actually sorta hate like none of it is good to me personally #i want to stop being toxic towards myself #i just wanna stop hating me and who i am and what i do every step of the way #but that mean little voice inside me is like ahh. it wont shut up #I always say i need a break or more time but what am i gonna do with it #doing nothing at all isnt fulfilling #it sounds. sad like what teenager me did and i dont want to be or feel like that ever again but its fuckjng hard #this is so woe is me #im a liar bc i say the main text doesnt bother me but it bothers me alot im very envious of her speed prolificness and drive to create #and i have none like thats so unfair #this makes me sound ultra bitter god fucking damn it #i want to go to sleep and genuinely never fucking wake up again #please im done i just dont want to

[vanillabat99]

Hopefully I find out the specifics later today, but if I lose my insurance coverage I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. I haven't found any government programs or anything that I would qualify for, I won't be able to finish school without any healthcare, I won't be able to do much of anything without healthcare. Some of my medications I guess I could survive without but I still need my autoimmune disorder medications every day. I would have to kiss HRT goodbye. If I lose my insurance coverage I really honestly don't know if I'm gonna make it. It's been the only thing I can think about for days.

#im so stressed out. i dont know what to do. #my mom has to ask about insurance specifics but shes been out sick for a week and hasnt had time to ask so hopefully she can do that today. #we cant afford all of my medications and appointments without insurance. #i know my parents would still pay for it but i cant bear to be that much of a financial drain. its so expensive. #and i dont have anyone i can contact or any crisis centres i feel safe going to due to how it went last time and i just. im not okay. #im really really not okay. #there is a possibility of everything being fine. i just need more info. but if its not fine? im not gonna make it. #things were going so well for awhile :( #again im sorry for the negative posts. i dont really have anyone to talk to. this is my only social outlet. im sorry. #batty blogging #text

[pyrodigy]

#vent #negative #i think im gonna unprivate my older posts (since i never really bounced back from that reboot anyway) and step away #so if i dont come back i'll at least leave the good stuff behind #im sorry #i do want to specify this is not aimed at anyone in particular. i dont think theres anyone purposely shunning me specifically #its just the general dynamic of (genshin ?) tumblr rp. its not it anymore #ive run out of ideas to try and make it 'it' again #and im sorry to those who engaged and made it worth trying #please do say hi on discord if you want. like i said i still love writing and talking about muses #i dont think that passion is ever going away #im just not sure tumblr is the right place for it anymore and i need a break to figure that out #a real break. one where i just stopping logging on altogether #instead of checking my dash daily and lamenting that i cant do as much as id like #sorry again #but if this is it. thank you for having been a part of it #i'll cherish the memories and interactions dearly no matter what

[n0ct0urn1quet]

hgonesly at this point i really do wish i could just say Fuck It and disappear off the face of the earth for a little bit bc honestly . i donot want to be alive

#2023 off to a banger start for me (got into an argument with my mom on new years about her bf reminding me of my abusive dad #and havent had peace or a good nights sleep since!!!!!!!!!!!) #i am absolutely fucking miserable and i just donot want to Do It anymore #i hate this house i hate the people i live with i hate this world and i hate everything thats happening to jme but i cant do anytihing #i cant do anything to Fix Anything i cant do anything abt my problems theres just so much Wrong With Me that i dont know how to fix #i dont know if i CAN fix most of the issues i have. i have so much ptsd and trauma from so many different things and its all just. hghg #and i want so badly to just let it out and talk to the people Around Me about it bc it is Serious and i shouldnt be just not talking about #it but. i just cant bring myself to Do That. i am constantly afraid that the people around me will be angry with me if i even so much as #speak up about the things that make me upset and its not their fault and its no ones fault but my own and i just dont know what to Do #im scared of confrontation and im worried that if i try to talk about it its gonna lead to an argument!!! i know it wouldnt but im terrifed #so id rather just not talk about it. which then leads to the problem not getting resolved because. fuck man im sure the people around me #know that somethings up but i never bring it up so therefore they never find out and it gets swept under the rug like all my other issues #i pride myself on being good at being emotional and being open but in reality i am emotional. yes. but not at all good at being open #ive never been good at it and i feel so BAD because like. yes i love you. yes i trust you and i know you would never ever be mad at me #for just talking about my feelings. i know this and i love you for it. but im so bad at conveying that. even though i trust you with mylife #im just bad at opening up. it does not matter how long we've known each other its just such a struggle for me to Be Open to anyone #of course its not much better that im coming to tumblr and puttign this here for 100+ people to see but just. i dont know #im mentally unstable ive never had good coping mechanisms and im the only person awake and everyone else that i usually vent to is asleep #so all my thoughts just get piled up into one messy little ball and it gets thrown to tumblr because i need somewhere to put them #im sorry. im exhausted. its been a long week and i wish i could just hybernate for the rest of the month and not interact with anyone #i just wish i could mvoe out and live with my gf and our cat. that is all i want and that is the only thing that would fix me

[snekdood]

Yknow what makes me reaentful? How ive been sexually abused so much growing up, no one did shit besides shove me off to a therapist, ive been promised by feminist spaces that ill have a place to heal within them, and as soon as my abusive ex tries to smear me and project their behavior on to me by accusing me of doing that shit too, all the sudden everyone acts suspicious, and i still dont get any of that promised healing. Its hard not to feel like my ex did this intentionally to prevent me from having a space to heal. And its my issue with the "believe victims" narrative because it seems to me like people dont actually want to believe victims but to believe the victims they *like* and *agree more with politically*. If people can just say whatever about someone and you feel obligated to believe them because "believe victims", its very clearly going to be exploited by abusive people, and while i dont think we should stop per se, we need to have some sort of actual system to vet who is and isnt telling the truth, like a pseudo-courtroom. At the very least let everyone and their side of the story actually be heard. Bc idk how you guys plan to believe two victims at once who are accusing eachother other than throwing your hands up and picking one or deciding that we're both bad, which doesnt seem very fair to me since people seem to looove demonizing me for no discernable reason.

#anyways ive lost faith in feminist spaces in actually being a place to heal #it kinda just feels like cliques to me dawg. #maybe it used to be sorta healing but i never actually got to find a support system or anything anywhere. #like idk man. maybe the reason ppl go to the right is bc yall are cutthroat and do everything based on vibes. #if i cant even get help and healing from yall like you promise whats the feminism label even for besides for spreading awareness? #because i feel like ill always be excluded because i dont fit the recquired aesthetic. #there needs to be a space for dudes to go to heal too. and id ideally not have to go to one of the mra type spaces. #idk but im just disenchanted with this whole movement. so many unfulfilled promises. #too many terfs infiltrating it also. #im left out in the cold and no one cares and everyone pretends to care about victims but cant even bring themselves to image that i #was the one who was victimized. why should i rely on these spaces at all. its clear yall favor the more fem person in any situation #like this. #also unrelated but related this website is trash and most people on here suck so fucking much. #the mostly cliquey cutthroat spaces for being so 'caring' like you like to think yourselves as. #'oh well we have to be careful so just in case we're gonna kick you out!!' oh really #is that the feminism you were talking about? #youll leave me out on the streets based on a rumor? and if you find out theyre lying then what will you do? are you gonna come over to me #weeping about how you shouldnt have believed them and how sorry you are? bc chances are ill already be dead from starving #but yknow. believe whatever anyone says about someone else. sorry i meant victims* #itd be so so funny to me if someone came up to me with that justification for why they ostracized me and then be like 'how can you be mad! #i didnt know better!! you cant be mad at people for not knowing better >:(' the hell i fucking cant lmao! #yall perpetuated a narrative about me to actively grind my name in the dirt. and im not allowed to be mad? #yall ostracized and excluded me from spaces i need to rely on for community and healing. #yall did nothing for me and threw me in the fucking trash. yeah. i think im allowed to be upset with you and want you to go fuck yourself. #if you believed them and found out theyre a liar. cool. leave me the fuck alone though. go make a post about it and try to rectify the #situation you contributed to you pos. #yknow. maybe itd be one thing if you believed them and i didnt do anything and you apologized. #its a WHOLE OTHER FUCKING THING. WHEN YOU BELIEVE THEM. IM INNOCENT. AND *IM*THE ONE WHO WAS #SEXUALLY ABUSED AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSED TO THE FUCKING MOON AND BACK. and then think an apology is enough. #like go fuck yourself. ive been alone with this trauma this whole time you pieces of shits.

[astrxealis]

40 mil is the highest points i've had for gw ever tbh so i am proud of myself so far <3 also !! almost rank 175 >;D

anyways hi just small update/rambles uhm. i've been more productive w school but also school ew !!! and 6.3 is so fucking soon holy shit i am not ready at all & i hope this week i can finally start omori and/or p4g <33

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚ #still obsessed w p5. ALSO mcr music is so slay AND uh yeah that's mostly it. rlly obsessed w buncha kinds of rock music rn #i looooove rock <3 rock and orchestra are my favorite genres (i'm kinda into all kinds of music tho fr!) hehe <33 #i love my fire team now tbh. like. nemone & athena together is perfect imo and i'm glad i realized that a long time ago already #but woa me w having both michael and percival is absolutely amazing hehe #arghhhhhhh ... i wna play nier vv badly but i need to wait for lune yeah ? but anyways in reincarnation i have all the automata characters #which i'm vv glad about >;)) 9s refused to come home months ago but now he has and heheheheh i love him #tbh it's so hard to manage my time now bcs on saturdays i'm busy and then sundays should be my rest but we often go out as rest ?? #and i like it but also my gaming time and writing time and whatever time is lowkey a big Rest In Peace <//3 #I LOV MY FRIENDS but i haven't properly talked to. quite literally ANYONE for a bit now i'm so sorry #unless they approach me first somewhere that isnt social media of any sort or i've seen them irl bcs of school or yk my family or class #ive fixed my sched quite a lot but also there's still a lot to improve !! by the end of january i hope that i'm happy w my sched then <3 #okay small update OVER !! today was a pretty good day so far tbh uh. like bad shit happened but strangely i'm all okay !! <33 #like uhh ive been a bit more active in class and actually reciting more! i am usually vv shy and only just comment my answers if ever #BUT YEAH !!! and there was smth that was supposed to happen and my class forgot so i reminded them. and we're like 30 in class #okay rambles OVER !! im anxious still to open my notifs sorry i cant explain why bcs idk how but yeah. uh. if you want to contact me #for anything IDK HOW YOU SHOULD TBH. SORRY. but yeah !!! probably ask for my sideblog for mutuals ?? #but tbh i havent checked that in a bit too and just ramble sometimes. SORRY......

[craftycalico]

its just a bad day

Idk if this is part of the concussion lol

Feel free to send asks if you wanna chat or go interact with my rp blogs

#crafty.calico #crafty.vent #delete later #you know i just. i cant #theres not any way of hiding it #i need a lot of help and i need a lot of reassurance. i feel so isolated and i feel like i dont know anyone #it doesn’t matter where i go i just always feel awkwardly tolerated. #i just.. i don’t want to only be someone who’s tolerated. i wanna mean something #but no matter where i am i am the weak link and everyone knows it #i cant look in mirrors because my face looks weird and distorted and i feel so watched and i think about things i shouldnt #and i think im a net negative. he was right. #he was right about so much and i was stupid trying to fight it and im sorry #i cant talk to anyone and im impulsive #i dont think theres anything waiting and the time card has far expired but being afraid has ruined everything #i cant get a coach to respect me i cant get anyone to listen i cant tell my parents who i am #i didn’t think id come back to this and im so disappointed and im very scared but hey uh haha #guess there was a reason the funny men resonated so hard here #maybe they were right. maybe i am him #idk who i am anymore #i live life as a series of bulletpoints of: you are supposed to like this #you are supposed to talk like this. you should get excited when you hear this. you should be friendly to this person #mid conversation with a friend I realized i didnt know how to talk to her. #i felt like i didnt know her but she knew me and i was operating on bulletpoints #everything is a list of bulletpoints to me #im so distressed idk how to talk i feel like im looking at complete strangers but im supposed to know them and they get upset that i #dont know how they are but i cant remember i just have bulletpoints i dont know #everything is bulletpoints fucking everything is bulletpoints

[hopefullyababe]

i have no clue if im doing any of this right.

#daphnes talking again #LIKE BESTIES. WHAT IS A FRIENDSHIP SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE. #how much informantion is like. too much information. and how much leaning is too much leaning? #like? i dont want to bog anyone down. but i dont mind it when people tell me about their struggles. is that an uneven balance? #people seem so uncomfortable when i try to talk about MY shit tho. ukno? maybe i just made a rep for myself being optimistic #shits been. kinda rough. and i cant make it feel better and i feel like i cant talk to anyone. #or like. i guess i can. but when then? now ive just spread my shit and i STILL feel like garbage. i dont need advice so why would i. ukno. #share. #ugh. im being such an asshole. im sorry :( #i just feel generally like garbage. #anyway. i dont. really know whats supposed to be a healthy friendship. i like supporting people but i dont really know where the line is #supposed to be. where are you supposed to draw your boundries? how much leaning is too much leaning? #im so bad at finding the balence btwn being overbearing and being absent. like. jesus i had no idea i was my mother until i started having #friends. this is so fucking difficult for no reason. #i love havibg friends. i just don't know whats healthy and what isnt. what are the patterns youre supposed to look for? #what does a healthy frienship look like? is there meant to be a GOAL here? is a healthy frienship supposed to serve a PURPOSE? #is there a singular right answer? #or is there a whole bunch of archetypes i can base things off of? are there friendship catagories? #what are the traits of a toxic friendship? and further: is it possible to fix one? #I GENUINELT DONT KNOW. are there friendship experts? are there people who know about these things? #what is someone meant to gain from a frienship? is there a gain? or is it simply a 'this makes me less lonely' type of thing? #what sorts of things am i MEANT to be talking about with friends? am i meant to talk about myself more? am i meant to listen to them more? #GOD. GOD /FUCKING/ DAMMIT. #SOMEONE GIVE ME A FUCKING LIST TO CHECK OFF. #hi sorry i should tag this actually #negative vibes

[pubby-paws]

.

#currently having a mental breakdown silently and alone because i can't get the support i need #i already know everything is my fault! #i already know that everything thats ever wrong with me is suffering i put myself through #i am shouldering the responsibility of so fucking much and god fucking forbid i need more reassurance #i am doing all of this alone! because i cant even talk about it to anyone else! #i dont know what to do i simultaneously desperately need love and affection #and cant stand people responding to things with basic advice #FUCKING THANKS NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT #and if i don't do everything on my shoulders it wont get done and my entire life will fall apart #so cool guess im just gonna have to run this marathon on a broken leg while being careful not to limp #personal #im sorry if any of you actually read this im just being irrational dont take me seriously

[hyperexplosion]

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#vent again just ignore please and thank you. chewing at my arm. ik why we have to wait till next year for me to get help i do know why and #i understand but it also just sucks. its at least helping though no matter what i just gotta hold on but i rly dont want to hold on anymore #id say i sound pathetic or worthless but im not. ik im not. talked about mental health with my best friend today snd idk made me so self #aware of myself i feel gross and ugly. i cant even look in mirror by how ugly i am. i want to drink. i really want to drink. it sucks. #ditched or the person seems bored.. there's no point lmai. #the craving sucks. im sleepin almost all day and than night fucking sucks. i should be sleeping now but i need to write my thoughts out or #i will feel worse i will feel so much worse snd i dont want to be a burden. i dont want to bother people. i hope when im like.. getting hel #and getting better i hope i can like idk not be afraid to ask people to vibe with me. maybe one day but im so scared amount i have been #and sorry tired of hearing same 'just do something distract yourself' yeah only so much a distraction is s distraction. i never felt this #low.. i never felt this low for months now. im so tired idk this week is busy maybe that will help. maybe decorating for my fav holiday wil #help my brain a little. than again why would she want me around. i think about how dad asked mom if i was okay on my birthday. is the facad #fading? are people catching on? i need to stop before i see my brother on friday. even my best friend noticed he hugged me but i didnt even #hug back i just leaned into him for awhile before moving away. i want to die. will i? no. i wont. im too scared. but i want to. #i can sleep now. #i think people should stop lying i hate liars i am not afraid to drop anyone that does.