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#im so tired

I feel like everything I do is wrong. I can’t talk with someone because I think I will say something stupid and they will judge me. I feel ugly, I don’t feel satisfied or ok with my body, my face. I think my destiny is to be alone because who would like me? Who would be proud of me? I did not achieve anything and I think I will never achieve. I am weak, I feel about to collapse in the first crisis.

Criticism affects me 100% more than any praise I have ever received and makes me rethink all my actions, even the good ones or those that were a success. I can’t believe praises, I don’t think I deserve it.

And instead of feeling happy for someone’s conquest I get jealous because I know I will never achieve something like this, I will never be so incredible.

I don’t open myself up to people afraid of judgment. To look too pathetic, ridiculous, worthy of contempt.

When a big event is going to happen I can’t chill. I go over all the steps I’m going to take, I’m afraid to face a new situation, it makes me stutter, I totally lose the connection between my thoughts, I get confused and say any shit and it tortures me later when I’m alone.

I am afraid to take the lead in any situation because I never know how to act or I don’t think I will and the pressure makes me shiver and cry, suffering from anticipation. When I got the car license I was very nervous, when I took exams at school or went to work interviews, all of this made me nervous.

It also has this thing of making mistakes. I crucify myself when I make a mistake. Be it small or big (big ones are the worst) I think about it day after day and destroy myself with it. “I do everything wrong, I just do shit, it’s all my fault.” And always after something like this negatively impacts me, my answer is withdrawal and isolation. I talk less and less, distance myself more from the person or people, isolate myself from everything and let my mind torture me. I often feel hopeless and that has no way out. I feel stupid and unable to solve something or talk to people to solve something.

And the worst thing is that I feel like this is a shadow over me, these sensations and feelings. Because I am not like that, I want to be brave, free, I want to show the fearless attitude that I know exists here. I want to conquer everything that I want (even if I don’t know how or think I’m incapable), I have this desire, this flame that burns inside me and doesn’t let me abandon my dreams for good. I wanted to be more confident, to believe that I can, but it is so difficult … Sometimes I just want to run away, travel around, freedom.

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Thank you @crystallized-ink for tagging me! I’m doing this for my new werewolf boy Markari Volkov!

absent-minded | abusive | addict | aggressive | aimless | alcoholic | anxious | arrogant | audacious | bad liar | bigmouth | bigot | blindly obedient | blunt | callous | childish | chronic heroism | clingy | clumsy | cocky | competitive | corrupt | cowardly | cruel | cynical | delinquent | delusional | dependent | depressed | deranged | disloyal | ditzy | egotistical | envious | erratic | fickle | finicky | flaky | frail | fraudulent | guilt complex | gloomy | gluttonous | gossiper | gruff | gullible | hedonistic | humorless | hypochondriac | hypocritical | idealist | idiotic | ignorant | immature | impatient | incompetent | indecisive | insecure | insensitive | lazy | lewd | liar | lustful | manipulative | masochistic | meddlesome | melodramatic | money-loving | moody | naive | nervous | nosy | ornery | overprotective | overly sensitive | paranoid | passive-aggressive | perfectionist | pessimist | petty | power-hungry | proud | pushover | reckless | reclusive | remorseless | rigorous | sadistic | sarcastic | senile | selfish | self-martyr | shallow | sore loser | spineless | spiteful | spoiled | stubborn | tactless | temperamental | timid | tone-deaf | traitorous | unathletic | ungracious | unlucky | unsophisticated | untrustworthy | vain | withdrawn | workaholic

I’m taggong! @writingonesdreams @dustylovelyrun @keen2meecha and anyone who wants to!

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… at the end of my rope from, what, working all week? None of it for me any money so none of it counts. Trying to get $ from doing what I love or at least like but so far…

I refuse to believe it’s a myth.

But maybe I’m not capable of it. No matter how much I may want to. Don’t have the ability or strength to make my own business. And support myself with it. I mean, even a lot of pet sitting exhausts me. By a lot I mean 3 or more per day. Driving stresses me out. But that’s all ive been able to do. That and earn a few dollars with apps and $11 selling a book on ebay. Wow.

Real things take talent and lots of work and that will take me a long time. I’m working in writing. And researching for 2 articles, which somehow takes me months. I don’t know what I’m doing. And constantly looking for jobs that will work, like almost signing up for a proofreading course yesterday, but I can’t do everything and its not something im really interested in. I mean, it fits in that I want to do something remotely. But I want to save the computer stuff for writing and research, bc I can only do so much on the computer. And I want to focus on what I care about. Somehow earn enough money… not earning from writing, I doubt I can. Because I can’t take critique and thus I can’t grow. Too sensitive. I don’t see how i can do anything. Things I like and want are not the things that earn money. And a real job? I couldn’t do that. I want more school. School at least had something I knew was working toward something… I thought anyway. I want to do something similar… can’t I just study all my life? I want a master’s degree, sooo jealous of my successful nurse sister who just got one, and my cousins. But can’t justify paying for something that won’t pay off.

Perpetually stuck. I dont care about earning money for its own sake but I have to get our of here somehow… I thought I could get something going during covid but I didn’t even have time to do that. Ha. When I wasn’t even working and I had all the time in the world. I want to make a difference, I mean that’s why I took political science in the first place. But I can’t do anything, can’t have any credibility, till I get out of my parents house and have a job that can support me. I don’t see that happening . Ever. But I have to. But… I am too sensitive and easily ovwehlemed. I would not survive in a regular job. I didnt. Not even the baby jobs like intern and in a little restaurant. Don’t want to be stuck in a blah job I hate the rest of my life. I want to do something… fight for freedom and justice lol. But that doesn’t pay. I want to write. I want to make a difference with my writing.

But always plodding away and never getting anywhere, nor even w my writing .

I mean, how many times have I said a version of this?

How can I get anywhere when I fall apart barely doing anything

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Rant (TW: Mention of Racism, Homophobia)

Ahahahahaa…..I totally love that Martial Law may happen any time soon and that a cop said that a human life is worth $100 and that a Mexican’s life is worth $50…. I’m just so fucking tired. I just wanna sleep….take a long nap. As a person of color and a member of the LGBTQIA+ community, I just want things to get better. I may have labels that are not well known, but that doesn’t make them any less valid. To lighten the mood, I say that LGBT+ stands for “Let’s Get Baked Toast Plus!!!” Hope you enjoy my joke. :) #BlackLivesMatter #Pride2020 #YouCan'tEraseMe

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I tweeted my university about their plan for combatting institutional racism (knowing full well that universities are part of the problem) and got a generic “please refer to this statement” 💀💀💀

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