#im so tired and i have no motivation whatsoever for school | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hayyloo · 1 year

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Will they know if I give up..?

(angst, comfort <3)

Characters:

-Mizuki

-Mafuyu

-Kanade

-Ena

Kanade was in her room, as per usual. She hardly ever left there unless there was school. Ever since the death of her Father, she found talking to the rest of her family (or anyone else to be honest) a lot more difficult. Her mind was set on continuing to make music for her group, and she wasn't going to let sleep or eating get in the way of that. Well, until her mental health started declining, that is.

Kanade and Mizuki were on call together talking about one of their popular songs, Bitter Choco Decoration.

"How did you manage to put that together, K?" Mizuki's cheerful voice spoke through the staticky speaker on Kanade's monitor.

"That must have took ages to make, and even just thinking of how much effort you put into that piece is making me absolutely exhausted! Don't you ever feel tired?" she spoke before laughing quietly, listening carefully for a response from Kanade. Mizuki already knew about Kanade's lack of sleep, and the last thing she wanted was for her to be getting sick.

Kanade paused for a moment before clearing her throat, breaking the somewhat awkward silence on the call and spoke, her voice a little hoarse.

"...I don't usually get tired, you know this, Mizuki."

Silence followed again, and just as Kanade was about to change the topic and steer away from talking any more about her health, Mizuki started talking again.

"Kanade, everyone gets tired. You can't just rely on going days without getting any sleep whatsoever. It's not healthy. How can you expect to ever compose again when you can barely keep your eyes open? You've been sounding so much more tired recently and even Mafuyu has been telling me she's concerned about your eating patterns. Your Father would be upset to see you forcing yourself through the day without basic human necessities. This is hurting yourself, K. You aren't doing anyone a favour by restricting yourself of things you need to keep on top of to live".

Her voice wasn't as optimistic sounding and cheery as it was less than a few minutes ago. Kanade knew that that meant her friend was being serious, but in all honesty, she didn't know how to reply. She couldn't deny the fact that she has been depriving herself of sleep and food, it's obvious now.

"...Mizuki.. Im very happy to hear about the fact that you care about me, and I appreciate it, I do. But sometimes I just feel like I don't deserve to feel nourished or relieved or refreshed after a good night's sleep. I simply believe I wouldn't have the motivation to continue composing if I wasn't under some kind of pressure, and Dad wouldn't be happy if I sacrificed moments of composing time for a stupid meal or an extra hour of sleep. Its just not practical, I hate myself for it, I hate myself for killing my father but here I am, dealing with it. So maybe you and Mafuyu and Ena should learn to deal with it too!"

Kanade spoke, a hint of anger in her tone, but it was plainly obvious that mixed in with the anger was hurt and tiredness. She'd be surprised if Mizuki didn't pick up the voice crack in her last sentence.

Not wanting to hear a reply from her friend, Kanade pressed the "hang up" button on discord and turned off her phone before throwing it over onto her bed.

She cupped her face in her hands, letting all the tears she had been holding in for the duration of that call flow out. All Kanade ever wanted was to impress her Father, her friends, her mother, all she wanted was to make someone happy. And if she isn't doing that, then what's the point in being here to try.

Sniffing softly, Kanade took the sleeve of her hoodie and wiped the remaining tears off of her tired, droopy eyes and turned her gaze to face the monitor.

There is was, the file titled "Untitled". Kanade looked at it for what felt like ages but was only a mere 10 seconds. She could delete it right now and forget about everything. She could delete discord and never go back online again. She could pretend to go missing and become the scared, fragile but stress-free girl she once was. She could go back to not existing and never have to worry about anyone or anything ever again.

The thing that distracted Kanade from moving her mouse inches towards "Untitled", right clicking and pressing delete was the sudden light of her phone turning on with a notification banner that was unmistakably discord's. She hesitated, deciding whether to ignore the message and be petty about the whole situation she was in or answer.

Kanade wasn't the type of person to purposely ignore a message, even if she wasn't in a good mood or if it was someone she really didn't like, so reluctantly she picked up her phone only to see that the notification wasn't just a DM, it was one saying a new DM had been created by Mizuki that had 2 other participants.

Sighing, Kanade opened discord, turning her status onto "invisible" so nobody else would see she was online and opened the new DM Mizuki created, ignoring the 18 missed calls the poor girl has previously made. She scrolled to the top of the group DM and started reading.

"K, we all know we go through hard times and I can't even imagine how difficult it is for you, but believe it or not, depriving yourself of rest and regular eating patterns doesn't help at all. It satisfies the part of you that thinks you aren't good enough, but what you need to realise is that the part of you that has bad thoughts shouldn't be the side in control of your actions. You should start listening to the part of you that wants sleep, that wants some more nutritious food and some self love. You deserve it K. You deserve it more than anyone else I know, so let yourself relax a little more, we'll all do our bit to make sure we continue to succeed." Mizuki's message said.

"Yeah, I agree with Mizuki. You can get so much productive work done with a good amount of sleep and nice meals throughout the day. Without that, it'll come to the point where composing becomes a chore, and you'll lose your interest in it, and it's our job to make sure that never happens, so let's all try our best to stay positive and healthy, even through the difficult times!" Ena's message said.

"We love you K, never ever forget that. We're all here for you and each other, lets all do our best to become the best versions of ourselves we can be. Both physically and mentally. :)" Mafuyu's message said.

Kanade could feel the tears welling at her eyelids, but they refused to come out for some reason. She looked up at the string lights of photos that hung above her head. Her with her friends eating lunch in the school canteen. Kanade was happy in that one. A picture of her and her mother playing music together in the living room. Kanade was laughing in that one. And there was a picture of Kanade and her dad, both smiling happily.

That's when she realised that what her friends were saying was true. That refusing herself sleep isn't doing any good. She needs to do something about it before she lets herself down and her composing starts to slack.

So she flicked through the rest of the DMs, apologised to Mizuki for ignoring the rest of her calls, smiled and replied to a picture Ena sent of some delicious looking muffins she had made before finally pulling the covers of her bed off and closing her eyes, possibly for the first time in a month.

School for Kanade started at 8.30, and even though it was 6, meaning she'd get less than an hour of sleep, it was still a start to a much healthier and easier lifestyle for everyone. I mean, some sleep is better than no sleep, right?

Even still, Kanade smiled faintly as she imagined how things might just start to get better for her as she drifted off to sleep.

#nightcord at 25:00 #project sekai #mizuki akiyama #mizuki pjsk #kanade yoisaki #kanade pjsk #ena shinonome #ena pjsk #mafuyu asahina #mafuyu pjsk #pjsk #colourful stage #light angst #comfort

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tuutiee · 1 year

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i hate when im really tired like exhausted with no energy whatsoever but i can't sleep (until i physically can't stay up) and my mind won't shut up and i can't regress bc roommate and friends and school is just so not fun rn (everything is overlapped and teachers aren't being very clear and i literally have to spend time outside of class so much more) and like my mood always drops the 1st half of the year but ughhh like i don't feel very happy or motivated rn

sorry for ranting a bit just stressed out and not being able to really relax

#sfw only

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marcusarmstrng · 5 years

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#okay feel very free to ignore me yeah #text #i literally feel so fucking overwhelmed and tired and i dont even know #i have so so much to do in school and i really really dont want to fail anything #my perfectionistic side is killing me for not doing anything and just lying here on my phone #but the other side of me cannor find any motivation whatsoever of actually doing the shit i need to do #cannot #ive put way too much pressure on myself and now i cant seem to get tid of it which is a pain in the fucking ass #im just so tired and i need a big ass break but when i acutally get a break from school i still have to study cause theres so much to do #so catch me having mental breakdown after mental breakdown until christmas #sorry for being so deep on main but i needed to get it out #all i wanna do rn is sleep but i cant do that either cause i never seem to fall asleep #so yeah im sorry #ignore me

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incorrect-ikevamp-quotes · 4 years

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Do you think they would actually enjoy the modern world? Or would they want to stay in their current time period?

Hm, well, I think that may vary depending on each suitor if I’m honest! (I’ll be excluding Sebastian from this one, only because he is a modern man and I wager he would want to stay in the mansion in order to finish his thesis)

Under a cut bc it’s a long boi:

I think for people like Arthur and Theo, for instance--who always seem to live in the fast lane--it might not really prove much of a problem. They would continue enjoying the night life and move with their busy schedules. Tl;dr: (For them? Same shit, different day)

Vincent would likely be doing just fine given how Theo often provides assistance in places where he struggles; to promote his art, to spark intrigue in the general public and benefactors. He might be a little overwhelmed by the influx of stimuli that comes with the modern era, constant noise and interaction and movement--perhaps worry that people are losing their ability to live in the moment. (Not to mention what’s being done to the environment...) There might be a learning curve/adjustment, but I think Theo would help him ease in. Plus, it would be a little easier to promote his art given the less stringent restrictions on public exhibitions. He’d still have to work for his fame, but at least the van Goghs wouldn’t have to live in constant unease in the proximity of the cutthroat academy. Tl;dr: (Mixed feelings, but tries to stay positive about modern times)

Dazai is more familiar with this kind of life of quick turmoil and breakneck speed, if anything he falls back into his old coping mechanisms--hello writing, drinking, and smoking. An overwhelming influx of information and suffering would probably be hard for him to manage, despite how expertly he hides it. I think I would be worried he would lose himself in the dismal reality of diminished connection with other people. Yes I’m shoving him into therapy, I want him to start living for himself and taking care of himself ffs

That isn’t to say there aren’t happy possibilities for him, just that I think he really needs to heal first. I could see him very happy in a kind of writer’s circle with people he loves and trusts; less expending his energy in a desperate attempt to fill the void and please others, more cultivating his own happiness... Tl;dr: (Positive potential, but honestly part of me thinks the past quieter/simple/rural life suits him better...he still loves meme culture tho, he finds it so expansive and creative)

Isaac is in a similar boat as Dazai, I think! He has wonderful potential as a mentor and professor, and living in a world that has a little more patience and respect for genius might help encourage him to put himself out there. That being said, I think the pace of life would exhaust him though--he is very much the kind of person that prefers to keep to himself and just puzzle and tinker. Baby boy just wants to do equations, build little inventions, and read up on the recent discoveries in astrophysics (BRUH WHEN THE IMAGE OF THE BLACK HOLE CAME OUT HE FORGOT HOW TO B R E A T H E) Napoleon is the only reason he eats anything healthy or on any kind of regular schedule s m h. Tl;dr: (Not a lot changes, honestly? He was reclusive then, he still is now--he just has more toys/academic resources. If anything he might get a little too lost in his work because of it, somebody please make sure he’s eating/sleeping/socializing;;;)

Poor Jeanne is SUFFERING. Please release him from this nightmare he is begging. Jk jk, I don’t think it would be too bad for him--but I do think that he would have the aforementioned problem of too many stimuli and too much interaction. I think he would ease into it a little with Mozart’s help; he would just be awkward and wooden until he got the hang of it. Most people just find him quirky in an amusing way, and don’t think too hard about it. I’d wager he’d probably become literate at this point because of the abundance of resources and necessity to read/write (okay but imagine this baby with a little kid workbook iM GONNA CRY!!! TAKE ALL MY CRAYONS JEANNE).

Can you imagine this mofo at a Starbucks??? Tall and stoic, dark and debonair (EVERYONE IS S W O O N I N G), and he just asks in a light tenor “can I have a mocha with eight shots of expresso” with a completely straight face. “Sir, that could kill you” “Don’t worry, I’ve been dead a long time” And he just moves to wait for his order. 11/10 cryptid I could watch an entire show just about his daily adventures

He works with Napoleon a lot given their similar skillsets. They coach kids at high schools that have fencing teams (it’s really REALLY cute bc if they’re on the younger side, Jeanne will very dramatically lose bc he wants to encourage them and the kids are delighted--but the parents are INCHES from laughing so hard they’re in tears). Otherwise, he mostly takes up gigs as a security worker/bodyguard, only really works for the money. He prefers to spend his time in ways that feel meaningful if he can, so don’t be surprised if you see him in foster homes and in social working spaces. He has an uncanny understanding about him, a kind of silence/patience that doesn’t stifle; it makes the kids/teens calm down in milliseconds. They really listen when he does talk, and he sets good and clear boundaries--he knows how to be firm when it’s required. He gives them the structure and placid grounding they’ve never had, and really pays attention to what’s important to them. Brings them little things he notices; brings flowers to the one that likes to draw, brings CDs (he is bad with technology, but they usually only have access to older/outdated stuff anyway) to the one the one that struggles to write with white noise in the house, brings little plushies to the ones that lose theirs. He’s simple but solid, and he finds a lot of meaning in helping kids overcome the similar kind of struggles he faced. Tl;dr: (Steep learning curve, but he just sees it as all the same really--just more work to be done with the literacy requirement and adjustment to technology. Will be resistant at first, but when he gets accustomed and starts finding people who are important to him, he wouldn’t want to change anything/go back. But will admit there are some days he just wants to go to the most remote place he can access and just live there for a month with no human interaction whatsoever; people are inefficient and insufferable sometimes)

Mozart’s life honestly doesn’t change much? I feel like he would easily be able to keep composing and continue releasing his work as per usual. Given his quick capacity to schmooze and say what people want to hear when he must, he’d be more than able to network his way into success. I think the only thing he might struggle with now and again is inspiration, given the world operates on a very surface level in the modern era sometimes. Profound insight and depth are not quite as cultivated in many ways, and he can struggle to find something that just sparks motivation/novelty in his mind, makes him start composing at breakneck speed. He reads a lot and watches some TV shows/movies when he’s at really low inspiration levels, the kind of guy that sneers at Game of Thrones--but finds things like BBC’s Sherlock more passable (wants intrigue and complexity, doesn’t much enjoy the sensationalized drivel). When Arthur finds out he loves ATLA he about falls off his seat. “It’s a children’s show.” “Yes it is, with a remarkable level of depth and craftsmanship, what are you trying to say?” He begins to find a kind of rhythm in his composing, and Jeanne and Dazai often drop by with so many crazy stories he finds himself filled with music anyway LMAO Tl;dr: (Same as Isaac, really just keeps doing his thing without being impeded, and he enjoys the luxuries/conveniences of the modern era. Will be slightly resistant at first because of how alien some of the changes are, but will fall into the habits/customs slowly and surely. Fine with it, will whine a bit at the growing pains tho)

Leonardo actually canonically owns a bar, and does that really surprise anyone? He really enjoys the excitement of meeting new people and hearing about their myriad histories, the influx of cultures/languages/experiences. It’s a nice but lowkey place, people stop for a drink, listen to some good music--chat amiably and relax after a long day’s work--before heading out. There are regulars and people that just stop for that single day; tourists, vacationers, so on and so forth.

When asked, many people note a sleek black cat with sharp eyes that led them to the bar... Tl;dr: (Don’t Let the Existential Dread Set-in: The Prequel, adapts well to the modern era because of centuries of experience but also...he’s so tired...somebody please hold him I can’t watch him live like this, lord jesus)

Optimally, I see Comte filling his time with myriad pursuits; ranging from philanthropy, indulging in art/music/theatre (often a benefactor as well), and keeping track of his chirren (they may exist more independently now, but he still worries about them ;-;). Otherwise nothing much changes for him, still goes to galas and fancy gatherings, still enjoys fashion and spoiling people, still seeks to occupy himself with social interaction and care-taking--if he doesn’t have a family of his own. He’s basically just that meme that’s like DON’T LET THE EXISTENTIAL DREAD SET-IN. DON’T LET IT SET-IN!!!!!!!!! Tl;dr: (Not to repeat myself but also Don’t Let the Existential Dread Set-in: The Sequel, literally just desperately trying to fill the void please somebody help him he also just needs to be held fuck’s sake, I’m going to drag him kicking and screaming into happiness--but otherwise has no great trouble adjusting to the modern era. I feel like he would have a more minor form of what Dazai struggles with, maybe a lack of personable connection that he once had; fewer chances to be himself and relax. Also probably worried about the increasing unhappiness and turmoil building in the world in general...)

Napoleon is similar to Comte in that he often checks up on Isaac and Jeanne from time to time, and does the aforementioned fencing lessons with kids. He also takes a lot of basic security positions--for venues, concerts, museums--you name it. He dislikes the idea of sitting behind a desk a lot, so he prefers to do a lot of different things; he even cooks from time to time at the restaurants that know him very well. One gig he particularly enjoys is battle choreography for movies/theatre! He tends to stay away from anything too historically close to his era of origin, but he has fun coming up with realistic (smaller scale) hand-to-hand combat scenarios and duels. Tl;dr: (This era doesn’t feel like too much of a change. It’s a little more intensive in terms of pace, but he manages to keep up pretty well, it just exhausts him from time to time--and he usually goes on trips or hikes to unwind when he needs to like Jeanne LOL they do not go to their happy place, they go to their high lonesome place).

Shakespeare also continues to do his drama thing, organizes troupes on tons of different levels--from community level to more intense, skilled groups that re-enact his own work. His life doesn’t change all that much beyond a new form of theatre logistics, and he adjusts to the technology fairly easily out of necessity. He’ll stop by Vincent’s place from time to time to show him recordings of his latest shows, but otherwise is almost always on the move. Tl;dr: (So long as he can keep following his greatest passion, he doesn’t really mind the changes in how theatre happens--he doesn’t have any sizable issues with the modern era.)

Ability with technology (phones mostly):

Arthur: more than capable, well-versed, loves to do everything on his phone no prob--maybe lives a little too much on his phone (Vine/TikTok/Youtube can kill his productivity RIP) also yes he has a fidget spinner on his desk, no I will not be taking any constructive criticism at this time

Theo: yes but with a lot of cursing at first, had to do it for work and now looks down on anyone that can’t keep up with him (except for Vincent)

Vincent: knows the basics, taking and sending pictures, writing things in notes for later, texting (tho sending emails is a little harder for him); he does his best but he can be slow. Really really enjoys the paint programs on his iPad for when he’s on public transit, but he starts setting alarms after he gets the hang of it (he’s missed his stops before because of it LMAO)

Leonardo: what kind of stupid question? Man knows how to pick them apart and put ‘em back together for crying out loud, uses it like a pro--comes to him naturally, and he’s the guy that keeps coming up with ways to jailbreak Apple products and thwart their money-grubbing tactics. Catch him playing Minish Cap on his emulator on the way to work, brah

Comte: just vibing, keeps up with the times easily since he’s been doing it for so long, much like Theo uses it to keep in touch with the people around him--he’s the “prefers to call instead of text” sorta guy though, he worries about losing emotional subtleties and he likes to hear people’s voices. Doesn’t do anything special on phones, more just a tool; will read/listen to podcasts/does have emulators (courtesy of Leo) and enjoys playing Pokemon when he’s bored

Jeanne: types one finger at a time, it will take a while--but he’ll get there (deleted all his contacts by accident once and Mozart was just. HOW.) He barely knows how to use a phone, and it’s a steep learning curve for him

Mozart: purely functional when it comes to his phone, refuses to rely on it beyond the necessities that only tech can do (for instance, sending emails or reading articles or uploading compositions) he still writes his music before making more polished digital copies. He will sometimes listen to pieces digitally, but prefers to play them in-person; he feels that a lot of the soul in a piece is lost despite the convenience

Dazai: you absolute fools. you baboons. why would you ever give him this kind of power. it is 3AM and he has been on a wikipedia trail spanning hours, started with Cleopatra being the seventh in her line with that name all the way to cotton candy being called “daddy’s beard” in French. please help him he hasn’t slept in years. Also probably binges anime and manga lbr. He’s the one making vine references every other second, always up to date on the memes^TM

Isaac: also mostly uses it as a tool for research and calculations; it’s a way to keep track of information. He also likes to play background music while he’s working, so he finds the device nice and convenient--plus less having to go around pestering people in-person. he does start to get interested in coding and tinkering with apps/programs eventually, too

Shakespeare: finds it a delightful little contraption, so useful because it lets him jot down ideas as they come to him quickly, and he can edit his texts much more easily with digital interfaces. also likes that performances can be recorded, because now he can analyze his staging more efficiently--it gives him a good sense of what needs to be adjusted, and encourages him to keep streamlining/try new concepts

Napoleon: likes it because he can keep in touch with people more easily, the kind of guy to drop a line before checking on a friend. he really likes to look up recipes and find out more about cooking techniques he’s never encountered before. Isaac starts making an Instagram account just to show Napoleon’s impeccable plating, and Napo gets quite the following without knowing for a while

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depressedhatakekakashi · 3 years

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Okay so I worked for the summer at a summer school for special ed kids. Okay? As a person with special ed i thought this would be a nice job. (I have adhd, anxiety, and chronic depression)

One of these kids was named Ryan. Some 14 year old kid i worked with. He says one time

" I am tired. Im always tired. I just wanna sleep forever. Not die. Just sleep. I wanna relax for once. I always gotta worry about the future and I hate it. Let me just enjoy my life. "

If this wasn't the most relatable kid i ever met. You bet i let him nap for that period. He needed it. Then gave him candies when he left for next period

(we teachers give out candy, cookies and chips to students who did good that class, as to motivate them. Because some have little to no motivation whatsoever)

little to no motivation is honestly a huge mood some days. I don't know how i get anything done T.T and that kid, big mood. I also wish that i could just nap away my days sometimes.

I miss being able to sleep for 12 hours sometimes, though i was always made at myself for 'wasting my days' back then. (of course i worked 50 hour weeks so who tf knows what i was thinking. work was waisting my days if anything)

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dumb-naive-bitch · 4 years

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I'm kind of really glad that nobody reads this page of mine anymore, so then I can vent to myself about how I'm truly feeling at this moment, and put it into words without being judged or told to stop complaining.

I know 2020 has been rough for a lot of people, but its extra hard on us who thought every other year was rough to begin with. Im sick of waking up every day knowing I have to go through the same fucking motions over and over and feeling like my life is going nowhere and yet I'm just getting older, fatter, uglier, etc. Its depressing on top of my depression. It doesn't matter if you have a decent job in this day and age because you still won't be able to afford shit. You won't be able to live in a house or apartment by yourself unless you want to be mortgage/rent poor. Im going to school and I dont even fucking want to because what's the point? If you don't have a doctorate, you once again wont be able to afford shit even after you have a degree. Im over 70 thousand in student loan debt and I have absolutely nothing to show for it, with roughly 30 to 40 thousand more to go to get a basic degree that will probably increase my current pay by 5 dollars an hour maximum. How fucking exciting and motivating is that? Like what is the point of living if you can't afford to do anything or have anything despite working hard for years and years? I'm honestly so over this fucking mundane every day bullshit that has no purpose because why even bother staying alive to not be happy? I dont know what is more annoying then people saying "money can't buy you happiness" because I would slap the fuck out of that person right now. Money would keep me from wondering if I'm going to be able to pay my car payment, or the 10 credit cards I racked up because buying small things like clothes/shoes is one of the only things that makes me happy and gives me something to look forward to. Other than that, I have my dogs which I would die for, but honestly that causes me more stress and anxiety than I ever care to admit.

Its exhausting feeling trapped in a mind full of stress and worry and no light at the end of the tunnel because no circumstance in my life can ever change drastically enough to erase the despair that has become my reality. Ten plus years of major depressive disorder and anxiety with no relief because of once again not being able to afford the proper resources to get better, well that just sounds like a full circle, never-ending fuck of a life doesn't it? People out there who have it good just say shit like "start over," "find what you like to do," "get a different job," like how does any of that sound possible when you have no money to do any of those things? I'm so tired of everything being hard for me. Every fucking thing in my life is hard, yet other people get everything handed to them. Why? Do I want everything handed to me, fuck no. I rarely take help when offered because I'm not a charity case. I want my hard work to pay off, but you cannot get ahead in a society such as ours because everything costs so fucking much that you have to pick and choose between necessities. So basically, as a lower-middle class citizen its impossible for me to be happy and also live within my means, and in SC I make more than double minimum wage. How the hell to people who only make that afford to live? Or have anything nice? They will never be able to be independent, because affording housing for yourself with that salary is damn near impossible.

This short release of emotions I had planned in my head turned into a much longer bitchfest then I intended, but its just hard to go to bed every night knowing I'm still going to be me when I wake up. I truly cannot do it anymore. Im also so sick of worrying about how others will feel if I just die. They never say "I understand it must be hard for you to have to live like this every day, so I respect your decision because it is your life." Nope, they say shit like "just think how I would feel, or how so and so would feel if you were gone." Like why am I the selfish one in this situation? Because I don't want this life for myself? So fucking sorry your lives are so fucking great that you couldn't possibly see this through my eyes. No amount of telling someone how you feel is going to change how bad they truly want to hear it. Sick of trying to explain my feelings to people who don't really care to hear it, and definitely not understand it. Probably why I need a therapist. Oh wait, can't afford one so I will continue to suffer within my own thoughts and feelings.

They wonder why suicide is so fucking common among young people. Like do you see what we have to deal with? Besides the topics I mentioned previously, what about constantly seeing celebrities flash their endless shiny and fancy shit all over social media and the instgram models making you hate your fucking self for wanting to eat. Don't follow them? It doesn't matter if you do or don't because you will see it in ads or on one of your friend's pages anyway. You basically need to live off grid, grow your own food, live in a cabin in the woods without any form of media or form of entertainment whatsoever to rid that shit of your life. I also do not want that, so here I am yet again stuck again. Pitty me, pitty me hey? I dont have it that bad people will say. I have somewhere to live, a car, a job, blah blah blah. Like they know a single fuck about what races through my head all day every day. The stress, the feeling of failure, the feeling of not being good enough, the feeling of being trapped, the feeling of whats going on behind my back in my relationship, the feeling of why don't I have the motivation to do my school work, or finish the 5 projects I started, or go for a walk or run, or workout, or eat better, or want to do anything other than sit on my fucking couch and watch TV while my brain continues to race subcontiously, or why the fuck I cant just be happy? It's because not everyone is satisfied with the "simpler things in life." I want to be able to have options in my life. Like if I see something I want thats going to make me happy, I want to be able to buy it. I want to be able to go and travel to do it. I want to be able to relax and not have to worry if I buy or do that thing am I going to be able to pay my bills or buy food. Its debilitating for me. I am controlled by this disease that never lets my mind rest or be happy. Life is simply not worth living if it has to be this hard every day with no sign of a possibility to be better because of the circumstances I have been exposed to. You can't change certain things no matter what and those are things that im not willing to live with anymore. Im suffering and thats not what I want for myself. I want it gone, and for me I only have one option and I'm okay with it. I've been okay with it for over a decade now and that's never going to change. Period.

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