#im so tired of one bad thing after another

[silenthillbunni]

🤧🐀🌧️🌊

#need to clear my head; #im in such a bad mood. my face is in a perpetual angry state. im just so so bitter nd pessimistic rn #trying not to get stuck in negative chaos thought spirals nd to just take it as it come #nd be patient bc recovery takes time i know. but i havent been able to feel healthy or functional for 7 months nd i am so tired #i cant help but worry abt my health nd what kinda diet i can have nd how to work all of that out. #like the removal of the gallbladder dont ensure a good digestive system. they remove it bc it can irrepairably hurt u #also im so so stressed out abt school nd my courses. i already had to drop one last week. nd it isnt looking like i'll be able to pass my #eng class.. it just isnt looking like it's realistic at all :/ i personally dont mind if i fail. but i can get issues w my wellfare hmm #bc like im still feeling rough nd u only get sick leave for one week after surgery.. so i have to go on thursday nd friday but im gnna #be in pain plus be so hungry nd be unable to concentrate idk #idk idk!! im already willing to take out loans to finish my upper secondary school.. but i have to make it work w timing nd stuff so im not #sitting here unable to pay rent or the bills or food lmao. so idk have to fix it somehow #nd the pressure of this country rapidly declining state is stressing me tf out!! having nazi conservative rightists in the ruling is just #dreadful!!!! for many reasons but atm idek if i can do distance classes like i wanted to :// #i just.. wanna be able to go for my long walks. go to the gym. eat normally. have coffee. study nd finish highschool. #then apply for whatever program i can nd move to another calmer city. prob eventually find a path to move to another country. like norway.. #im thinking too much but my thoughts are spinning nd killing me like i cant stop it im so scared nd anxious lmao 💀 #im also trying to be brave and write to the psych clinic for personality disorders nd be upset nd 'beg' them for help ksksksks. #but like... the thing abt having avpd is that i kinda dont wanna bc im scared of the possibility of them helping me lol #im just in a low place nd bad headspace and it's just getring worse nd im getting more nd more tired #i dont have much more energy to keep it together nd pretend like im ok or like i have hope lmaoooo idk what to do #anyway... idk idk guess i just gotta .. keep crawling forward anyway i can

[fishareglorious]

opened my art account on twt to post art and scrolled a little bit through my dash and saw someone I haven't seen in a long while. Then I realized that I had them blocked in the account i use normally. whoops.

#random #me #im gonna be a little mean about them in the tags but. they're a big account that gets into fights a lot that just get utterly tiring after #watching them argue with the same set of people the nth time. i do think its just the burder of a popular account with people leaning on ba #faith arguments over one thing or another and the account bites back which just fans the flames and cycle repeats #i think it boiled over into a big controversy where someone threatened (?) to dox them a year ago. doxing is shit behavior of course and #thankfully nothing of harm came to them #all in all it is mainly petty internet and fandom drama. but they've kinda left a bad taste in my mouth when it comes to a certain ship #am pretty ambivalent on #oh well this was just a ramble #its been a year since i even saw a post of theirs so they might have gotten better with that stuff

[strangeauthor]

gotta wait for my vr headset to charge which sucks because im very upset rn. for once it isnt vrchat

#author makes a speech #basically i accidentally missed several calls from mom and grandpa because i was downstairs #and grandpa had to come check on me #and i saw i had so many missed calls from mom and i gave her a panic attack #and i honestly truly do feel bad #at the same time its another reminder that im not seen as a 28 year old #and i cant make a honest mistake without ppl immeadietly going to panic mode #cause mom and grandpa had done similar things but no one bats and eye but when it's ME its suddenly a big deal. cause of my disability #and im so tired. i need my own place #i honestly do feel bad tho cause it was A LOT of missed calls #im gonna take my phone with me when i play the game after work from here on out #ramble over

[thegreatbeyondmp3]

bro it sucks so much to have to go to work when you're sick

#i dont wanna go but literally if i miss another day they could fire me 😬 #i don't have covid at least according to the home tests but like. i still have a cold or something #and i can't call out because our time is so restricted #and its not even the worst attendance policy i know of but it still sucks to have to work around #esp coming from my last job where i could take off literally as much time as i needed to basically whenever i needed/wanted to #added on top of the fact that i just don't want to fuckin be there anyway #and that im scared im gonna pick up covid bc my immune system is currently weakened #ugh. i have to get through tomorrow and the next day #and then im off again #and then im on one more day before im back off again #so i will have a rest day again pretty soon at least #after being off the last three days #(the first was my legit day off but it was very busy and few days before that were the roughest of a tough couple of weeks - #the second i took off bc i had to babysit and. being completely honest. i watched all of fellow travelers thr night before. and esp after #how bad a time id been personally having lately. all the suffering and the loneliness and the romance just hit me so hard #tbh i just felt like i deserved a break and i could do some work at home to balance things out - #third day i woke up feeling sick and coughing pretty hard and just feeling generally miserable. which continued for most of the day. #but with less coughing until now bc im laying down) #i just wish i could take an extra day or two to actually kick this 😭 #sorry this is so long i can get locquacious when im tired

[lilacponds]

the wanting your friends to not worry about you while you clutch your chest and cry at random intervals while knowing you've been through this before and you will again and it's always been and always will be worth it while being unable to eat or sleep much while reassuring your friends youre fine while

-

i want to be able to be in pain and grieve and be sad. but i dont want my friends to be sad for me. i dont want to be asked how im doing

im in pain but i mean it when i say it will pass and i know it, not in the 'im keeping hope and positivity' kind of way but in the 'its an unescapable cycle of my life that im happy to go through'

of course im not happy about what happened, or that im in pain, but i would do it again in a heartbeat if i could go back in time. love is worth it

its like...

this is a personal type of pain. i hold it precious in my palms. its not for sharing, its my treasure and mine alone.

this is not just about pain. its about the happiness it follows. its about the love overflowing. its about the wonder hidden in the corners. its about realization and sacrifice and all the little things that no one can really get because they havent lived through my specific experiences.

its precious, to me. to keep near my now-aching-soon-nostalgic heart. to hang on the walls inside of it.

spending time with loved ones helps soothe, of course. i'm not shying away from that. but my stinging and my healing are mine to cherish.

#im in pain because i care and i love and why would i want to bury that? #heartbreak is so personal to me. i cant talk about it too much with the people i love because its something for me only. #not in a 'bottle it up and pretend its not there' kind of way! in a 'its special and its mine' kind of way. #idk im tired and a little sleep deprived #point is #maybe im not really okay. and thats okay. #i dont want my loved ones to be sad about it. #how do you tell someone 'im not fine and im okay with that' without them pitying you or feeling bad for you after all? #so i just say oh you know. im doing! im chugging along! im girlbossing! or i focus on other things like. im tired or im hungry yknow. #anyways if you read this and worried about me nd youre still reading these tags... dont worry about me. #im not saying this in a dismissive way. im begging you. dont worry about me. shrug it off as me living another experience of life #and ill stop crying when i stop crying. and thats okay. #anyways i ramble #i cant describe the relationship i have with heartbreak. its an old friend and i cherish it. ups and downs #Charlie chatters

[gaystardykeco]

not ready to go back to work tomorrow but luckily im so not ready that my brain isn't letting it fully process and so im just kind of numb except for little moments when the panic breaks through again

#feeling more and more like a robot and less and less like a person the emptier my life gets #the future is so empty like its just work and isolation forever #i have one thing left at the end of this week and then after that its just work and family and alone #and i think numbing out completely is really the only way ill be able to cope at all #i didnt used to really be able to do that but maybe now im to the point where i just have to so its become an option #idk i also might just be lying to myself and be about to get hit really hard with how bad this all is tomorrow #job interview friday. but plausibly i dont think i can take the job even if i get it bc i just dont think i can move to nyc #i just feel like ive hit a dead end #like i was a side character in someone elses story and that person has moved on so im just like floating in stasis #bc my part of the story is over i wrote myself out of their lives so i don't really exist anymore #idk my brain is telling me all these things that i know are silly but feel so true and i just am tired and empty #sorry to be dramatic and complain again just dreading work so bad #i just dont see any path forward thats not this forever loop like i cant make or have real connections with other ppl #and thats whats supposed to make a life real and worth living #but ive never had the capacity to connect right and ive never had passion for anything and ive never been able to really love and be loved #and i dont know how to fix any of it bc honestly i dont think any of its fixable #ill always be an emotionally harmful drain on anyone i think i love and ill always be left when they realize that #and then ive just hurt another person and i dont want to be a person that just hurts people so i cant be around people anymore #but its so empty and its so lonely and i hate myself so fucking much #anyway. i sound like a pathetic whiny teenager lmao sorry i know how stupid it all is i promise

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#i think. maybe ill go to bed before 8 tonight #bc my brain. i can't deal with it. and im tired #but i should not do that bc i have things i need to do #like. theres an application due the 11th. but fuck it i might not send it bc fucking whats the point #why has it become so impossible to function? i mean. i kno why but its still annoying #and its like so crazy bc i just feel like im curled up on the floor with the broken pieces of my life and nothing terribles even happened #from an outside perspective its perfectly fine and good my insides have just rottef out #like i had to spend most of today plotting an experiment and i feel bad bc im just so. im so worried that looking after yhis thing is going #to hurt. its going to drain away hours of my time. i dont kno how long it take to deal with every single day for 2 weeks #ill have to water it at 7 and 5 and take measurements all day probably and im very worried about the amount of damage thats going to do #when it already feels like i should b careful where i step. and i feel bad bc im prob such a bummer to hang around like im so sullen faced #and i just dont care. like we had to make a decision bc we could do one thing or another and it would b answering 2 diff questions #and my boss was like. well which do u find most interesting. and i just. i dont care im more concern with the amount of psychic damage this #will inflict upon me so i just dont really give a fuck and that makes me so sad bc like at one point this probably would have been fun #and now im just bitter and it hurt and i jusr want to lay down and not get up #and im like how the fuck am i supposed to find a phd position when the enthusiasm for what i do now has completely burned thru me? #like hi yes r u looking for a new student? im dizzy and my life is falling apart even tho everythings my brains just on fire #but ya kno i think id b an asset to your lab! sigh... itll b fine i kno it will bc it has to b #ill visit the school i wanna go to. hopefully not make myself look like too much of an unstable moron and then leave this place #dragg my bleeding soul across the country to shrivel up in a different area code #somethings gotta give but lets hope it waits a couple months ya kno #ugh. im just tired. i should sleep. i didnt sleep enough last night. and i didnt relax on the weekend so ive got that i don't kno what day #it is type of vertigo. but tomorrow will b better. it will bc i dont want it to b worse #unrelated #i just want to study things that made me feel something. y doesn't that have to b so hard? #let me study slime. endless days alone with the green goo

[cutearose]

okay but how do you ask for help when your childhood makes you feel guilty for needing help and the help that you need feels rude to ask for

#im really struggling to function rn and i finally accepted that i wont make it to my appt without help #so i posted on my snap story asking if anyone could come over for a few hours to help me get back on track #n. two people replied saying they cant but hope i find someone but no one else has replied at all #i knew the answer would probably be no bc no one has time to come all the way here to help me to do tasks i should be able to do alone #but idk i thought i might get some comfort or encouragement or something. just some acknowledgement #i wish i had a group chat or something where i could reach out to people. bc things like snap stories people are just flicking past #i NEED to change the kitty litter today i have no choice its unusable and needs changing but i just. how. i am so tired #i have a ridiculous amount of glasses n crockery specifically for when i struggle like this n yet im still almost completely out of them #bc i just. cant do the dishes. i dont even have to wash them they just need to go in the dishwasher n i Cant #my brain just completely shut down once i got back from the trip #especially bc i got a cold n i dont cope well being sick at all #but of course thats another reason i feel bad asking for help. bc my house is full of germs. n i dont want people to get sick bc of me #but i am running out of food and clean dishes and bench space and i just. cant do it alone rn #but i used up my asking capabilities posting on snap #posting on insta would prob get more people to see it but insta feels. much more public #i dont use my insta stories like ever so it feels like a Lot to post on it for this #n when i asked for support after my parents divorce i only got a couple responses anyway #n this is. not worth support. like its a problem of my own making? i went on the trip knowing it would be a Lot for me #i wasnt planning on getting sick And getting an infection which are both exhausting me a lot but thats not the point #idk im just beating myself up over here. idk how to ask for help esp bc i expect the answer to be no anyway #like who is gonna travel an hour+ to help their friend clean their kitchen and fill out paperwork. im 28 i should be able to do that stuff #these tags are getting very maudlin and mean to myself. sigh. i wish i didnt feel so guilty when i need help #i wish i felt like i was allowed to ask for and accept help #love that childhood and autistic trauma haha lmao #anyway. brains are annoying. and im struggling a lot.

[i-am-thevoid]

genuinely uncomfortable with people being attracted to me lately esp when I KNOW they arent seeing me in the way I want like please fuck off and leave me alone

#that one person who kept messaging me after i said i was goin thru shit a d couldnt talk and they proceeded to CONTINUOUSLY FUCKING message #being all like ohhhh youre ao my type shut up and fuck off I said i cant do this and another who makes it so awkward but afterwards will #text tge same thing everyday im sorry but im too tired to deal with conversations rn #and im atarting to tgink hey maybe im not interested in relationships at all!! #im just a manwhore in theory but i cannot deal with commitment #idk im so bad at tgis stuff #but like cmon cant i just live my life theyre projecting shit onto me and assuming my gender/sexuality like FUCK OFF let me BE MYSELF #please #rant cause ig this is actually pissing me off? #i wish i knew how to deal with this shit man. help #IM LOSING MY MIND AND ITS NOT FUN. PEOPLE IN MY LIFE PLEASE SEE THAT I AM 2S AND STOP ASSUMING #doesnt help that ive never really been hit on before genuinely and am kinda new at this and very confused (fellas got a touch of the tism)

[the-kipsabian]

.

#im fine. i think #i got told at work by a very mean old lady today about things that werent stuff i was responsible for #usually this happens in emails or on the phone. this is the first one face to face #she got. excuse my wording in the lack of a better one. triggered cause she was rewarded a coffee mug #a beautiful locally made handpainted one at that #cause she wasnt allowed to pick out another prize as everything else was picked out before she got here as things were given out at first #come first serve basis. which wasnt something i had control over so like?? #she also both demanded to know who were the 'best volunteers' and then said it didnt matter to her like #lady you most definitely know its you why do you want me to push your ego so bad #anyways there was a lot. she talked down to me like fifteen minutes. straight to my face about things i have no control over #and apparently im dumb for just following instructions cause im a worker?? #i had a breakdown after she was gone #im still reeling a bit tho my coworker helped me calm down as i just cry laughed at her about the absurdity of this whole situation #thank god she said shes done being our volunteer now and we wont see her again. and shes gonna give my boss a piece of her mind too #im so tired fam i need to lay down and be buried under something heavy #thank god i can leave in like ten minutes and finally watch dark for that Good Content #sorry i had to pour this out of my brain im tired #there was a lot more than this there tbh im just. fuck #night is an absolute mess on main

[actualtoad]

today was such a day (negative, mostly)

#it’s my sisters birthday #she’s been really stressed because of my parents being so actively vehement at each other all week. she’s okay rn though #um #my friend teacher she/herred me like three four times while introducing me to somebody!!!!!! #and then???? my next hour teacher deadnamed me in front of the entire class because she doesn’t understand having multiple names in multiple #classes and yesterday she was bringing up how a different teacher had called me ari and i was like oh huh yeah okay i go by many names #like trying to be funny and vague about it but then today you know what she did? she called me ari-arthur-anya #she called me two school names and my FUCKING deadname because she doesn’t GET IT and im so FREAKING mad at her and she does NOT get a card #im so pissed im so mad at the two teachers that i thought were probably the most accepting teachers that i’ve ever KNOWN and now here they #BOTH of them on the same day one after another an hour apart!!!! im so pissed!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #and i know that mr hidaka didn’t MEAN it he’s talked to me about gender and stuff like!!!! i know it’s not representative of all of him but #it just hurts really bad that people who i know and love who are SO important to my feeling even a little safe at school #it hurts really bad knowing that they don’t even think of me as myself. that mr h can just forget to use my pronouns makes me want to cry #im so tired of it being something that people have to remember to do. im so tired of this other everything being the default #i need a fucking beard or something i guess. give me some time please!!!! i want to be a teenage boy please!!!!!!!! im so tired!!!! #i had a good morning with mr hidaka mostly like. basically i skipped my first hour class i couldn’t do it today i didn’t want to be there #and i couldn’t do it. so i went to his room how i do. and i said can i stay here. and he said of course i could but i would get marked #absent from my first hour but as long as i was okay with that i could stay. and so i did and i was working on stuff. and then #another teacher showed up. and okay something you guys for sure don’t know about my friend teacher is that he’s a frisbee coach at my school #like he’s in charge of the ultimate frisbee team shdhdf. he’s really into it it’s not really a sport feeling thing but it seems like fun #so anyway the other teacher was like hey (hidaka first name) me and some guys from the team are gonna go throw some frisbees do you want to #and mr h was like. yeah sure!! and he gave me the option between i could stay if i wanted but i could come with too and i said i’d come with #but i cant do frisbee. so it turned out to be the kids from the team and the other coach were doing fancy stuff together and me and mr h #just played some catch and he showed me how to do it and it was really fun and nice and it was really good #so it sucked when then the other teacher was like. so who’s this lovely person anyway? (exact words he said) #and my friend teacher mr hidaka said oh she skipped her first hour so shes here with me #and that hurt my stupid feelings pretty bad!!!!!!! i didn’t say anything though #and then the rest of the day happened. and now im home #all i have left for the rest of the school year is just my chemistry final so im not doing homework tonight #im still making finishing his book into a high priority it’s higher than the project

[toastsnaffler]

this assay is so fucking fake......

#same one ive been working on for like 3 months. every other assay ive trained on took me a couple goes to get but ive done this one ~45x #and i keep getting 2 good runs and then 1 fail. which SUCKS bc i need 3 passes in a row to sign off on it #and its so sensitive that changing even tiny things like using a different brand same volume beaker. or a 0.5cm longer flea #anyway i had another 2 good runs this week so this was my 3rd but bc its a friday afternoon im tired as fuck and keep making dumb mistakes #like overstirring it + one of my samples leaked which is soooo embarrassing bc ive already had to ask for more before bc its taken me- #almost 50 fucking attempts already #anyway. hour and a half into prep and im at the most crucial time sensitive part which is pipetting thr enzyme into the substrate #and i manage to do it all w even time spacing (u have to replicate the exact same pace at the end of the timer or it doesnt work) #and then realise id picked up a different identical model pipette that was set to half the volume i was meant to put in FUUUUCK #by that point i was like fuck it im almost 2 hours in and nothing else to do the rest of the day. so ill work around it + see what happens #i figured well its half the volume. so if i add the same half volume again at the 5 minute mark and leave it for 12.5 instead of 10 mins #then itll hydrolyse the substrate to the same degree. IN THEORY in practice this stuff never works bc of error margins etc #bearing in mind this js like 30 seconds of thought bc it took me a couple mins to realise what i did #but the thing abt working in a lab is u make these split second decisions constantly bc everything is so time sensitive #so u have to be quick thinking on ur feet #anyway long story short got to the end of the 3 hour process. which i was carrying out v sloppily bc the chances of it working were- #slim by that point lmao. but lo and behold it was completely fucking fine. all cvs less than 5% and averages <5% of spec #which is awesome bc it means after THREE MONTHS and like. 45x3 whats that AT LEAST 135 HOURS OF FOCUSED TIME ON IT #not counting attempts i gave up on halfway thru bc id alreaady fucked them up bad #i can FINALLY sign off on it lmfao. but im just so mad like why does it play these mind games with me. it shouldnt have worked #whatever chemistry is such a fickle stupid science. anyway wahoo weekend time baby #gorgeous weather here + im gonna get pizza on the way home...... maybe life doesnt suck sometimes 😇 #mutuals if ur still at work stay strong soldiers #.diaries

[munch-mumbles]

kj post five hundred thousand lamenting the loss of my passion for drawing because its starting to feel like its never coming back

#it shouldnt feel like a chore! i miss when it was fun!!!! #as much as i try not to care about my art posts flopping because i know attention shouldnt be my motivator for drawing #it does still make me a little sad so now my brain struggles to want to create anything #like i WANT to create desperately desperately but i sit down to draw and just want to go to bed #the tiredness has been permeating my life ive become extremely socially isolated #which loops around to making me even more bored because im just in my own head all day and theres not even anything in here #my attention span has degraded to the point that i literally have to force myself to try and think about my own ocs most of the time #which doesnt even work because within two seconds i get distracted by being frustrated i have to force it #gruhhhhh . grouhhhh #i miss when mlad was fresh and it was so fun and exciting and fulfilling to work on it #now even though i still love it and want to work on it it just keeps slipping between my fingers #GRUHHH. i want to draw i want to write i want to talk to people but i Cant #i need to join another server or something because after my last Really bad mental period i isolated myself a lot lot lot. and ive been too #scared to go back to my old spot and now i very rarely talk to more than one person a day (excluding work) #im lonely and im too exhausted to be interesting enough to fix it! #im pretty sure 80% of my problems could be fixed with like. adhd medication #but im too tired and lazy and tired to start the road to getting it #sorry i keep coming back to append on more tags but last thought i prommy. i just miss when things could actually hold my attention #i miss having the motivation to do minicomics for lore drops i miss being so excited about aus with friends i would do multiple sketches a #day i miss being so gripped by individual scenes between characters i would take the time to write a multi page minific about it #why cant my brain HOLD ANYTHING ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #JUST PAY ATTENTION :( #i need a new hyperfixation or im going to do something drastic.

[autistic-beshelar]

truly if one more bad thing happens im just going to lie down and die.

#im so fucking tired it's just #one bad thing after another and another and another and

[untouchedsoap]

.

#god it really is like i cannot have a fully good day. it either starts good and ends up horrible (like today) #or starts bad and ends up okay (yesterday) #i dont feel like ive had a good day in months its just one thing after another im so fucking tired i want to cry #its just. neverending #ignore me

[maxellminidisc]

Trying to make myself laugh so I don't like off myself or whoever I need to to give my family some sense of justice rn so tag me in funny shit if you can...

#like im just a nasty mix of anger depression nausea anxiety stress #like im so fucking tired my family cannot catch a fucking break #like its just one fucking horrible thing after another #first my moms family basically isolated us (not all bad frankly but it was real bad at first) #then this shit happened with my sister being abused at school #now my mom probably having bladder cancer #back to everybody throwing their hands in the air about getting my sister some semblance of justice after putting her through so much #like IM TIRED IM TIRED AND I KNEW IF I DREW SOMEBODYS BLOOD ID FEEL A LIL BITTER!! LOOL GOD #*better whatever fuck