#im struggling and i dont knoe what to do about it
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hiii hii omg hii im gonna go on one of me late night delirious rambles! read at your own discretion or not, whatever fuck ! you(endearinggly and maybe some sort of innuendo idk im tired im not in tune with my emotions as for every night im emotionally vulnerable after 7:30pm to the poitn where i could be head over heels for any sort of confident flirt or tease directly pointed wat me but you shouldnt worry about knowing that)
:readmore:
some days i wish i could.. disassociate from certain people by publicly saying it, like, "heyy this guy isnt my friend anymore bc we dont talk ever its not drama i just dont have any middle ground to even talk about of something we clearly do not have in common" and well its not like im dropping hints either, .
somedays i just... want to shed my entire online prescense to be vborn again but keep the relationships with friends intact, like changing names, which im not gonna do.
it doesnt helps that i had struggles with my online being, and the ideas of "starting over" or burning social bridges were ever present back then as they are todday, its not good, but i'd like to be able to really deattach from the notion that im friends with everyone, its hard to maintiain that status even if i didnt rightfully attributed it, i dont wanna start over, but i also dont want people to egg me about me cutting off someone who i only talked to exactly ONCE.. ONCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
for as far as i remember i dont have a personality of my own, i have my own interest and tyoping quirks, but all ive heard about me being spoken about is mostly, the same, and somehow my "reputation" precedes me, there are random furries that know me, the kind that have like a billion followers, and we dont have anything in common, i know why and whats the source but i dont. i shouldnt, do the thing im thinking about, it wouldnt be nice for Anyone , but popufurs???? know about me??? not exactly scary but unnerving to some degree, these are the kind of people that get into those weekly "furry dramas" and ugh its a matter of time that im forced to pikc a side AGAIN, for like, the 5th time.
and i just think of the "what could've been" with people i used to talk about often, before we were forced to pick a side or end on the opposite's callout post, good thing ive never been featured in one, and idgaf if someone blocked me bc of me being a follower of random furry artist #128732187812973 but cmon , iim just tired, im tired of being noticed by people that i cant even look in the eyes, bc were simply so many levels apart!!! its not undair, but its. undeserved for them to speak my name, any of my names, any of my gamer tags, any semblance of Me.
someday, i want to create petty furry drama (bc its easily manufactured apparently) where i make something that resonates with a Lot of furries, and a popufur reblogs it and i just comment on it "oops popufur reblog" and delete the original post, w who was it that reblogged it??? idk, did i even knoe them? no and i dont wanna, they got like more than idk 2k followers, they can get to know one of them 2k followers, theres probably a guy with a monochromatic fcanine fursona with long haur in there, i can guarantee it, fuck you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you dont know me!! i you cant control me!!!! ic cant even controll my seklf!!!! YEAOW
also if someone says to me irl "i like your shoelaces" im gonna say kill yourslef!! jk tho, you dont know me you don t know me you dont know me you dont wknow me you dont know me you dont know me your jkndont know me you do NOT know me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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the non-fantasy novel is fucking insane because like. liphiyo starts off with a bad first impression of each other and they don't like each other at first. when hiyori shows up to be their assistant manager, aizo and yujiro try so many excuses to get rid of her. hiyori ends up taking the job out of spite because they said she couldn't handle it and yujiro ends up going "fine, just don't be dead weight" and hiyori is determined to prove them wrong... you see hiyori doing her best at work and think that she's finally proved her usefulness because yujiro acknowledges her at the end of chapter four (with a "you were kinda useful i guess")
and then the next chapter starts off with the reveal that yujiro just. stares at hiyori when she jogs and thinks about her smile and how she smiled when he first saw her and then he talks to aizo about how hard hiyori is working and then he thinks about her so hard that he enters a marathon. he literally asks aizo for help training for this marathon and wakes up early to train even though he's a sleepyhead. aizo is like "i didn't know you liked running" and yujiro is like "i don't" and aizo goes "????????????"
even though yujiro's fans praise him at the marathon and aizo was also nice to him, yujiro goes "i showed a really lame performance today..." and like. yujiro. yujiro who were you trying to look cool in front of. yujiro what the FUCK.
IM ??!??! CRYUNG ???? hes tryna look cool in front of hiyori 😭😭 THATS SO CUTE OMG yhe “i didn’t knoe u liked running” “i dont” part Sent Me i was struggling to not die like. actually AND THEY ARE SUCH TSUNDERES BRO “u were kinda useful ig” just tell her u love her and move on bro u were right hes so lame 😭😭 i love liphiyo 💕
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How am I supposed to figure out what’s going on in my head if I can’t remember what I was like before 2017???
#thinkin about my symptoms of stuff#and a meeting im going o have with my college about possible supports#am i autistic? is it just adhd? is it both?#so much of it is analysing your childhood#but i dont. remember any of it#idk how i acted#i just knoe im not doing good now!#the more i research into it the more it seems to fit#but am i over thinking it all?#im like 98% sure i have adhd. its whether im also autistic that im struggling with#so much of it overlaps#but also theres like a 40-50% chance you can have both!#idk whats going on i just got symptoms of shit#hhh#sorry rant over
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Hello im a Tommy enthusiast who watched that one stream where he monologued to foolish for like hafe an hour bc i heard it was a cool stream or wtv to realize how much amazing character moments it had that barly anyone in this damn fandom is talking about so ill fucking do it
(Only after finishing this i realized i wrote 1.7k words LOL OOPS)
If u dont know what in talking about its this stream (apologies for linking a clips channel the actual vod on foolish's channel is deleted by now)
Also heads up /rp /dsmp every time i refer to someone here by name is their character unless stated otherwise bc writing c! Before every name Is tiring LOL
Also // suicidal idealization , death mentions
The conversation starts off with foolish and tommy mining for Wilbur, and foolish questions how simply mining will solve the problem to which Tommy reponds with "they dont get solved, do they? It just ends uo with some madman screaming 'Hes solved it!' And now look at him." And how he wants to "prevent the problem before it goes outta hand" something that clearly references Wilbur and his destruction of lmanburg, which paired with him collecting stone for Wilbur as the way to stop said problems he believes if he does anything he can for Wilbur and support him by his side enough this time around, that he wont do anything like thay again, which as im writing this makes be realize by doing that we learn hes blaming himself for what happened to Wilbur in November 16th and pogtopia and a whole, by not being enough for Wilbur in his mind.
The conversation continues, foolish off hand asks why would tommy want to stop Wilbur? Weren't they friends at some point? To which tommy leads foolish to lmanburg and tells him the story of the nation (how it was him and Wilbur's nation, how they made it to espace dream's iron fist and how they held an election "which puts your life on the line, which is good- if you're confident but- perhaps we were too confident", how they lost)
Tommy: "You know the phrase: 'treat other how you wanna be treated', foolish? People dont ever listen to it. Wilbur- he decided he wanted to be treated poorly so he treated everyone around him poorly "
This Tommy quote, to me at least, so so amazingly strong in conveying how understanding he is? To the world around him. Like-
I have not seen one person bring this quote up, and yet its (at least to me) shows such growth and understanding in Tommy i saw little to nothing like it in other streams. It shows he understands, he knew Wilbur didnt change just because, he knows he was struggling, that he thought everyone around him were againt him, were going to abandon him the first chance theyll get- and he thought he deserved it. So he, as a last way to defend himself against that, hurt them first, abandoned them first, so theyll see how much of a 'bad' person he was and take him out- and tommy saw right through that, possibly understanding it more after exile.
This next qoute was talked about much more but i still wanna bring it up
Foolish: "Do you believe in second chances?"
Tommy: "Oh, no I don't really believe that its not really a thing for me foolish its just that-" *sigh* "- i believe everyone has a little bit of good in then and this is not about giving him a second chance or a third chance- its not about *chances* foolish. Its about not giving up on the poeple you care about. "
Which. I mean. I dont know how healthy that mindset is, but comign from Tommy it makes so much sense.
Techno, tubbo, eret, sapnap. These are all people Tommy used to be extremely close to, had either a war or had been betrayed by them, and yet still found it in his heart that he still cares for them, with all of these, they did horrendous things, that hurt tommy physically and mentally, while also not being once or twice, but a contentious thing, but while tommy is to this day still effected by their actions he still found it in himself to forgive, because he knows he fucked up too, a lot, and he knoes they learned from their mistakes just as he had (except c!techno FUCKKK c!techno mf doesnt learn SHITTT) and he knows, when the time comes he knows hed want the people he hurt to forgive him too. (And he wants Wilbur to do the same)
Next qoute i will cut to a couple parts because its really so good and full of character i had to bro
Foolish: "Do you consider yourself to be the good guy or the bad guy?"
Tommy: "It really depends who you ask, isn't it? Yknow? If you asked dream he'd say im *his little toy that he plays with* you know? It doesnt.."
This part really stunned me when i first heard it because, and correct me If im wrong, but i dont think tommy ever acknowledged how dream sees him, and how right he has his viewpoint too. Just the fact tommy is so *painfully* aware of how dream doesnt even see him as a person anymore but just a toy to mess around with for a while than just throw it away when it get too boring really hurt me. Someone give this kid a hug
(Continued) Tommy: "...foolish, honestly? I used to consider myself 'the good guy', you know? The fuckin'- second in command! But these past- these past like six months or so, foolish, everything got so much harder than it was before. Because before it was just us vs bad guys, it was all so clear! But- its not been 'clear' for so long, right? It wasn't; 'these are the bad guys! These are the good guys!' Now it's : 'he's doing this and it makes him a bit worse-' i mean, it all got so complicated, so- i don't know. Depends who you ask."
He says this, in response to foolish asking if hes a good guy- but its awfully similar to if Wilbur asked him if they were the bad guys. Because foolish just asked about him, and yet in his answer tommy made sure to keep using the words "us, he's, guys" as if hes not really talking about himself, as if hes explaining how Wilbur was wrong. Which he was. Also something interesting ive noticed, he says "the last 6 months or so", which indicated that with Wilbur he knew better to follow his word and leadership- with Wilbur he was always on the right side but when he lost him he felt much more lost alone, and couldn't trust himself enough to be on the "right side" .
Foolish: "I dont know, it all seems strange because just from, you know- hearing from others and, you know, learing a little bit, its seems like you've been the hero, you've been the villain, the conqueror, the savior, and, even now, i have no idea what you exactly are."
Tommy: "that's up to you to decide, isn't it? Im just- *uh* i dont know. These days, foolish, I'm a little weaker than i used to be"
Foolish couldn't be more right with what he said, another example of this we see where a character acknowledges tommy never sticks to one thing us Charlie when calling him "tommy fron nowhere" which shows more how he cant stick to one thing, during the course of him on the server he had been friends and enemy with nearly everyone, been on pretty much all sides, and while never really intentionally, being in the center of conflict. When foolish says he doesnt know who tommy is anymroe at this point and all Tommy says in return is that "hes a little weaker than he used to be" does to show he misses who he used to be, with lmanburg, with Wilbur, when he knew who he was, now he doesn't know who he is anymore, but still so desperately want to be more demonstrated by the lines coming rigth after that one:
(Continued) Tommy: "..I'm not- I'm now who i want to be, but-"
Foolish: "Being honest with you, Tommy, that's the same case for me as well."
Tommy: "...heres the thing, foolish, unlike you i dont really have a choice. I have to try and be who i want to be, because if i dont, very bad things are gonna happen in this server. And now that Wilbur's back i can't- quite frankly *no one* can risk that. So i dont really have a choice."
Tommy want's to change- he wants to be better than he is now, to be closer to who he used to be, no matter how impossible that might be, but he also sees it as an immediate thing, he wants to change now, or asap, which is why hes collecting stone for Wilbur in the first place- old him would've done that with ease just because Wilbur asked and he wants to have that back so badly, asap. The way he talked about this reminded me of when he tried getting over his trauma stream before he went in the prison to kill dream: he knew he wasnt the best but he tried getting over that asap to go kill dream asap. He didnt wanna take the long road of years of healing and instead thought he could get over it just like that, and that experience clearly didnt teach him anything because now hes trying to slide back to the relationship he and Wilbur used to have and ignoring the drastic changes they both had plus the bad moments that were the reason they feel out in the first place, or maybe he knows, but at this point, after everything that happened to him and the server, he doesnt care anymore? He knows hes not the same he was and he'll never be the same, because thats not how it works, but his mentor, president, big brother is back after so long tommy felt so lost and alone he thinks maybe, this time around, with Wilbur, he could try and be better again.
#mcyt#dream smp#dsmp#dreamsmp#tommyinnit#mcyt foolish#dsmp foolish#dsmp tommy#analysis#character analysis#tommyinnit analysis#dsmp analysis#analysis post#long post#long
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re therapy guys i literally talk to my therapist abt my guilt when i dont do therapy homework
i have several more ideas for coping mechanisms now than i did before i went back to therapy
like therapy isnt perfect and it isnt magic and my coping skills dont always work but having someone there i can trust to keep TRYING even when i dont want to and when i feel too guilty to ask my friends to bear that load for me? thats very helpful, and it helps my friends too bc i *know* it isnt fair to expect them to be pseudotherapists to me. i know it isnt fair to dump everything on them all the time. and i also knoe it isnt healthy to isolate myself to avoid doing that. therapy lets me find thr healthy happy medium (or... get closer to it?)
last night when i was sad for no reason, i was able to cope by not dumping on my friends, just by asking them to send me cute plant and pet pictures. and then i was okay enough to nap. and idk if you realize what massive progress that id bc i usually latch onto one friend and become codependent and will cry to them immediately every time i am sad
this is "i can choose whether or not to do that and still be okay" progress. this is "if my friend is struggling i can support them and find comfort in a different way and we can talk about my struggles later if we want to when theyre okay" progress
idk if this makes sense but its "i have enough coping skills to not weigh my friends down and feel horribly ashamed and guilty about it" progress
and im not 100% there but the fact that im closer is good. i dont want every convo with my close friends to be hard on them or sad or always about me. i want to have a healthy friendship with them where it makes their quality of life better not worse you know
i love my friends and theyre incredible
and i want the energy and coping skills to be able to keep im contact with more of my friends
theyre so important to me
#also this is an appreciation post for tric and the beans#thanks beans for the pictures#thanks tric for supporting my mentally ill ass#and being a fantastic fun interesting person#halfnotewhistle#shan goes to therapy
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I cheated my husband he knows but still wants to keep me and the marriage,but dont love him anymore,what i do?
I cheated my husband he knows but still wants to keep me and the marriage,but dont love him anymore,what i do?
i m still staying with him he change to make me happy i gave him a chance i have 2 kids for their sake i stayed but still i n not happy i rather have to divorce him i know i will have a peace of mine i want to do something that makes me happy he s a boring guy i just did nt ralized that b4 coz i m bc taking care of my 2 kids but now they re teenagers i suddenly realized how boring my life is,i m 44 yrs old and i knoe i still can find better life ahead of me with the right person with me so i need help outthere if i really have to sacrifice ny happiness for the sake of my marriage and for the my kids? my husband is not really a good provider we both have financial problem he had his money i have my own,i dont have a name on his bank account either his on mine he paid all the bills,i paid the daycare and the clothes for me and the kids,the sch. lunch for 1 kid him the other kid,i paid the car insurance which it s not my name but since i m the one using it.so pls. help what shall i do?
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You know what's fucked up?
With my knowledge about drugs, watching my cousin struggle to recover through addiction, and losing my best friend to heroin, I am craving them. Maybe not heroin in particular, but drugs in general. That's so fucked up, right? I shouldn't have a craving for doing drugs. I shouldn't. That's crazy. But here's the thing. I have been working my ass off lately with the millions of healthy coping skills that I have gathered from my experience of being depressed and anxious and lemme tell you, they are temporary. I can't workout forever. I can't watch netflix forever. So when I put down these good coping skills, my sadness and misery returns. It doesn't go away for long. I have ti face the music when I put my tools down. Then I feel worse. I meed something that will last. I want to feel numb. I don't want to feel any of this anymore. I'm tired. I watched maybe 9 hours watch netflix today, 1 hour eating dinner, 1 hour working out. I helped michaela with classes and had my interview and that took an hour. That was my whole day. I had little time to be sad. But its 2 am and I realize i should get to bed, but now I'm sad. Really sad. I dont want to go to bed. Mostly because i know im gonna wake up in the morning and have to be sad again. I have to face the world again. I should be happy right now, right? I know. I got this ra position. Trust me, im thrilled. But it doesnt bring my dead friend back to life or my family to a funtioning scale. It doesnt take away my boyfriends and my friends depression. It doesnt make my friend any less likely to kill himself when he gets the chance. This one good thing does not override all the shitty things going on right now. I wish it would. So whil i should be happy today, im not. Because i was still raped. My uncle still has cancer. My friend is still dead. My cousin is still an addict. My mom is still an awful person. My dad is still a arrogant and ignorant man. My boyfriend is still sad every day. My friend is still having family issues. I am still sad. And I'm not sure I can keep going on like this. Why do I have to suffer in silence? My boyfriend even puts a stigma on all of this. He doesnt wanna hear when im low. So i cant tell him my feelings. I cant tell my friends. They get flustered and just say repeatedly how they dont know what to say or do. NEWS FLASH. I KNOE THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO. I want to talk to a real life human about my thoughts and get validated that im not a fucking psycho. There is only one person who does that and thats when he isnt in a low place himself. Which is rare. I just want everythibg to be okay. I just want my best friend back.
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