#im sure this has been done but here we are

[cranberrv]

thunder

˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆ in which dallas winston loses his temper

( a/n : HIII im sorry if this wasnt ur vision but i dont think dallas is one for big apologies so i kinda focused on the arguement more than the apology hope that’s ok… also toxic dallas alert sorry if that isnt ur scene!! also not proofread but hope u cuties enjoy )

it was a late night in mid-summer, and you and dallas were on the porch on the curtis brothers house. he wanted to go out for a smoke, and dragged you along. you were wearing his leather jacket, it was a windy night and you were getting chilly. dallas had goosebumps along his arms.

“are you sure you don’t want it back, dal?” you ask him, insisting on giving him his jacket back.

“nah, sugar, don’t want ya freezin’ to death out here,” he answers, taking a drag of his cigarette as he looks out at the empty street.

“i’ll just go inside, though, so you don’t get hypothermia or something..” you insist, but he grabs your hand and stops you.

“you’re fine, baby, stay with me.” you look up at him and nod, squeezing his hand a bit tighter.

you stand outside for a little while longer. it feels so peaceful standing there with him. his hand that’s rough and dangerous from the punches it throws is enveloping yours in a sweet gentleness shown only with you. his cigarette smoke becoming a mock mist that calms you both down. his deep breathes that are only heard because of how quiet it is.

nothing could ruin this moment.

you felt it was a good time to say the three words. not like you hadn’t said them before — it’s been a year since you’ve started dating, and you’ve both adored each other from the very start. but dallas got funny when you told him what he already knew. tonight would be different, you thought.

“.. i love ya, dal,” you say softly after a few moments of quiet. it felt casual — exactly what he would have wanted. but maybe not casual enough, because there was a short silence following your words.

eventually, he speaks. “i know ya do, sugar.”

you sigh. why is it that he could never stand to say it back?

he catches your sigh. of course he knows what you’re sighing about — he knows you all too well. he chooses not to act on it, not to apologize, not to say anything. he doesn’t want to fight with you. he just takes a drag of his cigarette and plays innocent.

“it would be nice to know that you loved me too, dallas,” you eventually say.

“oh c’mon,” another drag of his cigarette. “you ain’t an idiot, you know i do.”

“do i? i can’t remember one time you’ve said ‘i love you’ to me,” you cross your arms and look up at him.

“this isn’t somethin’ to get pressed on, y/n, the boys are inside and the windows are open,” he puts a hand on your shoulder, trying to get you to stop talking, to pretend like you’re okay. all because he doesn’t want his friends to hear. “and i have said it, baby, you’re just forgetting or somethin’.”

“you have not, i would remember if you have,” you counter, shoving his hand off of you. “i don’t want to argue, dallas, i really don’t—“

“too damn bad, y/n, because you’re sayin’ that i don’t love you, and we both know that ain’t true,”

“then say it.”

“..what?”

“you heard me,” you say. “it has been a whole year of us dating, and you’re never ready to say that you love me,” you raise your voice to get your point across.

“christ, y/n, you’re difficult, huh?” he groans. “it ain’t a big deal, don’t go throwing a tantrum.”

“i’m difficult? dallas, i don’t know if you get how a relationship works, but at this point, you either love me, or you’re done with me. there is no middle ground after this long together.”

“you’re fuckin’ crazy, i know how a relationship works, and i ain’t done with you. don’t go stickin’ words in my mouth,” his voice is raising, too.

“if you’re not done with me, then you love me.” you say, in a desperate attempt to get him to say the three words. you almost want to beg. “it hurts, dallas, that i don’t get that reassurance, that i leave our dates with my words hanging in the air, waiting for a reply,”

he groans. “you know that i do, so what’s the fuckin’ point?”

“you’re unbelievable.”

he scoffs, his voice raising. not quite yelling, but definitely not talking. “holy fuck, you know that i love you, man, so quit bein’ such a bitch!”

the crease in your eyebrow drops as he says that. “don’t call me that,”

“c’mon, man, you’re acting like a fuckin’ lunatic trying to get me to admit somethin’ that i’ve already admitted,” he says, voice still raised. “take a deep breath, maybe get a glass of water, and come back to me once you’re normal again.”

you scoff. “because i’m expressing my feelings, suddenly i’m a lunatic? because i’m not like your old girls, and i actually strive for a healthy relationship, i’m not normal?”

“you’re freakin’ out because i didn’t say it back once, of course i think you’re going crazy.”

“i’m ‘freaking out’ because it’s been a year of ‘thank you’ and ‘i know’ whenever i tell you i love you,”

“you’re being a dumbass, y/n, you know i—“ he cuts himself off, sighing and taking a step back. “fine, man, whatever, you win. go inside and call bucks when you’ve cooled off, i’m goin’ home,”

when he walks past you, the air is thick and unwelcoming. you don’t even bother getting the last word, dreading the fact that he might turn back and lose his shit if you do. he mutters something incoherent under his breath, and walks down the creeky front porch steps, into the dead of night.

˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

of course, you don’t call bucks. why would you? just so buck can tell you that dallas isn’t there, when in reality he just doesn’t want to talk to you? just so suddenly you’re bending to his will, and he’s getting his way once again? you don’t think so.

dallas does this a lot — whenver you two fight, even if it’s a small one, he needs time to cool off. sometimes it’s a couple hours, sometimes it’s a day. it’s never stretched longer, until now. it’s been three torturous days of waiting for a grand gesture, an apology, anything.

the next day at school, you’re walking through the parking lot during your lunch break, talking to cherry valance and marcia about what happened between you and dallas. they say a lot of “told you so” and “that’s dallas for you”, and you can’t say they’re wrong. they warned you about him, and his reputation for being so short-tempered and stubborn.

the sound of an engine roars behind you, and you and your friends turn your heads to see who is making the noise. it’s a 1957 red thunderbird, you recognize it as buck merrill’s.

“that must be dal’s friend, buck,” you whisper to your friends. “but why would buck be here?”

“he’s a greaser, he’s probably like, 5 grades behind and coming here begging for another shot at graduation,” randy, marcia’s boyfriend, teases. you shoot him a glare, and he shuts up.

“i’ll go see whats up,” you say softly, walking over to the now-parked car.

as you walk over and the window rolls down. it is not buck merrill, like you expected, but it’s dallas winston.

“hi,” you say softly, your walls starting to go up but hesitating, wondering if you’re even still fighting.

“hey, sweetie,” he says, not explaining what he’s doing here.

“what’re doing?” you ask him.

he shrugs. “wanted to see you, i dunno.”

“oh,” you say softly. you hoped for an apology, you hoped for flowers, you hoped for chocolate, you hoped for a hug, you hoped for—

“i shouldn’t of gotten all heated when we talked, it wasn’t cool,” he says, interrupting your thoughts. “and you ain’t a bitch.”

“..thanks.” you say after a few seconds of silence. what a shit apology, you think.

he’s staring out into the parking lot instead of you. “and i’m crazy about you, man,” he looks up at you. “you gotta know that, sugar.”

“thank you,” you repeat again, unsure of what to say.

another beat of silence as he swallows in his throat, before speaking and finally looking over at you. “i love ya, doll,”

you should’ve stayed mad, you should’ve not accepted his awful apology, but you cannot hide the smile tugging at your lips. this is all you’ve asked for from him, and he finally has the courage to admit it.

“i love you too, dallas.” you say softly, leaning into the window and giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. “thank you,”

“you gotta stop sayin’ that, y/n,” he teases, playfully pushing you away. “go hang out with your stupid friends, man. i’ll come over tonight and hang.”

you nod, and walk away, looking back at him and seeing a small smile on his face. nothing could ruin this moment.

#🎀 announcements #the outsiders #dallas winston #dally winston #dallas #dallas winston imagine #dallas winston headcanons #dallas winston fluff #dallas winston x reader #dally winston fluff #dallas winston fanfic #the outsiders dally #dally imagine #dallas winston x y/n #dallas winston x you #dallas winston angst

[mihai-florescu]

Putting a message i sent earlier under a read more, it has some thoughts ive expressed before tho. ES, of course

My thoughts as an EichiP... i view ! and !! as different stories in the way they're approached tbh, what i fell in love with enstars for was the character driven storytelling of one event seen through different perspectives, where you see the antagonist in one perspective become a protagonist in another story and can empathize with the entire cast like this. I fell in love with eichi's story of second chances, getting what you want and regretting your actions in the process, redemption, desperation, overcoming fate and asserting one's self into the story, saving a school in a dying industry that saved your life by giving you a dream; i consider it an arc fulfilling to the reader at the end of ! era. But we still had to continue... and it's not like we didnt get inklings of eichi's dreams of idol utopia, the idol soldier idea goes back to main story 1, but !! loses the charm of the original series through expanding the worldbuilding so much and shifting to a plot driven story that opens 10 cans of worms instead of offering resolutions. There's not really room to breathe if the stakes just keep getting higher and higher...

As for the colonisation plotline, it's been here since the beginning of ES2. The SS arc makes it obvious, but i remember even before, the talks about ES taking over from local businesses, trying to be seen as the standard, it was always the direction ensemble square as an institution would take. But the "antagonist in one story, protagonist in another" approach doesnt work anymore with such subjects. The guys responsible for this are your coworkers you share dorms with. I read the stories but cant empathize anymore, so i've been feeling disconnected from eichi for a while. I see enstars with eichi at its core but i didnt care for his center event, i read it, didnt like the ending, and overall felt off. Eichi becoming the villain of ! to attone for the war kind of loses significance if a year later he is a cartoon villain idol colonialist you can't even sympathize with anymore because of the magnitude of events. However i do think !! has done good things for some characters pushing them further or developing them in a way ! didnt. But for others...

I also have my issues with sci fi elements becoming the norm, even taken metaphorically or as hyperboles, when one of the central themes i love about enstars is humanity. Then again, i am a war era fan that relied on manipulating human desires and perceptions, and the fact that there were no monsters or gods, just humans framed as such, playing on people's fears and beliefs, it's a bit jarring to me to have them introduce AIs forming from escaped comatose brains (im minimizing the switch climax rn, i didnt even hate it as a whole, just this resolution im unhappy with)

It also feels like we've lost some of the meta aspects of the writing i liked, a certain awareness of being characters in a story and there being an audience. But im still struggling to word my thoughts on this matter. I felt it present in main story 2, even if it annoyed me at parts in its obviousness ("good thing we're not protagonists, no one would want to read about us" youre right aira you are not interesting to me. And yet i'll read your story to try and empathize nevertheless. I have other thoughts on aira too, perhaps for another time). I wish we explored a bit more what it means to no longer be the central protagonist, from trickstar's perspective...and brought back the successors topic. But i havent read every ts story yet so i'd be foolish to complain before really making sure i've checked everything. To me ! ended satisfyingly with room left for elaborations and imagination, but i dont feel like !!'s ending is really ending anything at all. Not necessarily bad since it's not like the game is shutting down, but overwhelming worldbuilding wise while underwhelming character wise...

Let's see... im not sure how to end this. Just a bit of a stream of consciousness as a ! fan who still loves enstars despite my critiques. Mainly, well, no one's gonna take away the stories that already exist that i do love and impacted my life greatly. And i do think !! had some really good things too it brought, or at least stories i hold dear too. Change is scary and i don't think it's always for the best, but it's also fun to see where it goes next...

#enstars

[campbyler]

graduation anon here! thanks... im a bit confused about this: 'a photo of the six of them, worn almost thinner than the postcard. It was taken at a graduation party Mike lost track of long ago: Max and Will, done up in royal NYU purple, flank the rest of them in a row.'

im in the uk and we dont graduate high school here, so i forgot that this graduation party could have been from high school? but then why would max and will be wearing their uni colours? and flanking everyone as if its their university graduation? sorry to be a pedant lol, i wonder if this has been lost in culture translation lol. but i love the details you add and im so interested in your worldbuilding and how the american summer is so different to ours!

p.s. i also discovered what a squishmallow is through this fic lol. adorable! i really admire will's integrity to be himself and still have soft toys at his age. i wonder what the responses were from anyone who visited his dorm? (unless he saves them for home and camp). lots of love from london x

hello again!! yes, this would have been from their high school graduation in 2022 — max and will are likely wearing nyu tshirts in the photo, just as a symbol of what university they’ll be going to! that’s a pretty common thing in america i would say! i think that they just ended up on opposite ends of the photo, which is why they’re flanking the rest of the party, if that makes sense!

omg welcome to the world of squishmallows! definitely one of the quirks about will that we used to modernize him, as obviously on the show he’s gnc and seen as sensitive and not manly, so to me having stuffed animals (and being unashamed of that) is a good way to bring those traits into a modern au. i don’t think he really got any weird responses from any of his friends, since nyc is one of the most progressive places in the us and soft toys shouldn’t be defined by gender/age anyway, but if anyone said anything mean i’m sure he would just try not to associate w them 🤍

#asks #i think for all the sass he gives mike he still has trouble standing up for himself to strangers #so idt he would be confrontational about it just distance himself lol. or sick max on them #it’s not something i’ve ever rly thought about before tho since i think having soft toys are quite common here regardless of age/gender! #esp squishmallows specifically

[vexation-816]

Hello it is I, random anon who does not know you and has never interacted with you before, what is your opinion of your mutuals?

Byxell. I know this is you but I gonna still answer this question notheless.

Anyways my opinion on my mutuals. Well where do I start?

@rabid-mercenary16

Firstly, there's the 'Greyscale Jester' Rabid. One of the first people that Ive interacted on here. She's a comedic, funny, creative, and an enjoyable person to talk to in general. When I first started on here I didn't think I would get noticed with my art but I started drawing out her characters and her and Glitchy being one of the first people to like my stuff. In the beginning I was honestly happy that people were liking the stuff I posted and shared on here. She and the others are just a big reminder to me of how I matter and just a funny person to be around I really to the bottom of my heart appreciate them for that. You're an amazing person Rabid. Don't you ever forget that.

@moshieee

Secondly, there's the adhd buddy of mine Moshie. Who cannot like this lovable person. They're one of the second traditional artists that Ive interacted with on here and Ive just enjoyed interacting with them for this entire time. They're an absolute funny, creative and amazing person to talk to in general. Ever since we started to talk more we'd just be rambling about our characters and ideas for hours and I just love their personality overall and they've just been an inspiration for me to keep going. You're an amazing person Moshie. Don't you ever forget that.

@bunnybunnsowo

Thirdly, there's the fluffy bunny friend Bun. He's a funny and creative person to talk about ideas with and they're just funny in general. I haven't talked to them until I started doing stuff for the Mafia AU and when I first talked with them they seemed like a very kind and lovable person to talk to and Im just glad that Ive been able to be friends with them and talk with them. Your amazing Bun. Don't you ever forget that.

@unfunnyaceartist

Next there's the cuphead fanatic Ace. I honestly haven't talked to her as much but she's honestly a very nice and funny person. She's very creative with what she does and they are just an amazing person to talk to in general. She's a very comedic person to talk to about Cuphead and other topics about the game. You matter Ace and don't you ever forget that.

@bixell-pixell

Next there's the robotic pal Bixell. They're a pretty creative and chill person in general. She's pretty funny and creative when it comes to the stuff that they do. Ive done 3D Modeling in the past and Im glad I found another person that takes interest in modeling. Overall they're a cool and funny person to talk to and Im glad that Im able to talk to them.

@dia-smthidk

Now we have 'The Prince' Dia. He's a pretty comedic person to talk with and they're just very creative in general. I remember that they were one of the first few people Ive started to interact with and their AU and they are just a funny person to talk to. Even when the mood is brought down they always manage to persevere. You're an amazing person Dia. Don't forget that. Make sure to take care of yourself.

@lilithloves-you

Now we catch up to Lilith. I honestly never had the chance to talk to Lilith but from what Ive seen she's a pretty nice and funny person to talk to in general. Im sorry if there's barely anything here I just haven't been able to talk to ya but your a very amazing and creative individual and don't forget that.

@glitchyk

Im not sure if Glitch will see this but I will type one out for them anyways. She is honestly a funny, creative, nice, and overall just an amazing person in general. They were always that little voice of motivation that just encouraged me to continue with traditional art and were just there for me whenever I was having a bad day or down to my lowest. I honestly do miss them to the bottom of my heart and I hope they are doing well at the moment.

@neptunestoast

Lastly, we have the Blob, Neptune. Ive seen them around here a few times before but never gotten a chance to talk to them. But when they got invited to the Sona Mafia server they are just a wholesome, funny and creative person to talk to. When I first saw their art style I was shocked on how good it was and was just thinking 'Why is this individual so underrated?!?" But still Neptune your an amazing person dude. Don't forget that.

Im sorry if some of my writing seems repetitive. Im not the best writer out there but I genuinely mean it when I say that you all are amazing people and Im just happy that I got to be able to interact with ya'll.

To the bottom of my heart. Thank you guys for just liking the stuff Ive done and just being like rays of hope and inspiration throughout my time on here. I appreciate you guys. I really do.

#I love my friends y'all #They honestly just make my day feel better

[akittyk]

Petition for Chat to have paw pads on his hands.

#miraculousladybug #miraculous ladybug fanart #ladybug and chat noir #ladybug #chat noir #cat noir #im sure this has been done before lol #i was actually thinking about this headcanonc for my oc but then chat cane to mind lol so here we are #my art #fanart #miraculous ladybug

[issuedsideways]

today's the anniversary of the battle of new york so here's something i have wanted to draw for ages. it's still 2012 in my heart

#speaking of issues #issue makes art #avengers #iron man #tony stark #marvel #mcu #tarot #the tower #im so sure this has been done before as this movie is 11 years old lol but!! i really wanted to #remembered this idea this morning and then churned this out on 5hrs straight somehow??? really proud of it though. #and it must be posted today ofc so! here we are #fanart

[topaziraphale]

"Stop saying Crowley won't help Aziraphale in S3 he'd go back to him in a HEARTBEAT and nothing would stop him" I get it no one likes the idea of Crowley being bitter after what happened for a long period of time but like can we at least acknowledge that he's currently going through probably the most emotional pain in his life since falling? Can we agree that he's opened his heart entirely - something you couldn't pay him to do unless the world is literally ending and he's desperate - to Aziraphale, and got shot down? Can we understand that he did it AGAIN only to lose Aziraphale again? Not that what Aziraphale did isn't without Crowley's own shortcomings (hiding the truth of Heaven's cruelty from him) but like,,,,

The appeal here isn't Scorned Crowley Doesn't Love Aziraphale Anymore, or Never Wants To Help Him Again, the appeal here is Crowley learning enough self respect to not just walk back right to Aziraphale like nothing happened after Aziraphale has had a pattern of consistently refusing him. Going years ping-ponging between "We're not friends I don't even know him" to "That's what friends are for right?" and "We're friends, why would you even say anything?" and "Friends? We're not friends. We are an angel and a demon!"

Like I get it, Crowley is a heartbreakingly forgiving person. Of course he's gonna forgive Aziraphale, I'll be surprised if he didn't forgive him by the time he walked out the bookshop door, but gdi he could at least grant himself the luxury of being at least a little irritated for longer than however long it takes to make a globe and some books float and angrily cry out to God in his flat. But due to the change of pace and dynamic that is establishing part of the conflict for Season 3, I just really like the idea of him for ONCE prioritizing himself and being like "Okay, fine. We'll get back at it when you're ready, then," instead of just taking Aziraphale back like his words and actions meant nothing to him, when clearly they have an effect on him.

What is Aziraphale going to learn if Crowley just accepts what he did so quickly, like he always has the entire time they've been friends? Idk maybe I'm just projecting too much darkness on their dynamic but I mean, if the pattern of Aziraphale pushing Crowley away/disrespecting him one day and then being fine with his friendship the next + Crowley never stopping to be like "Hey, that's not cool, at least give me a little credit" or smth was fine all along and will continue to be fine in the future, then why, after 6,000 years of being friends and loving this demon, can Aziraphale still not accept that Crowley is just fine the way he is, and instead got excited to promote him to an angel in a heartbeat once the opportunity presented itself? You can't blame all of it on Heaven when Aziraphale has demonstrated his free will/defiance to Heaven so many times. Or, I don't know, I guess maybe we can? Maybe I'm just craving too much angst to the point where I'm letting it cloud my analysis of canon. Idk.

#derpy speaks #good omens #good omens 2 #no i dont think crowley is gonna ever hate aziraphale for what happened but he's allowed to be angry #he's allowed to be done with it all. he's allowed to be exhausted. just look at his face when he drives away. #meh. idk. but i dont know how i'll feel if crowley just INSTANTLY accepts aziraphale back in a situation involving #idk - ''hey help me stop the new apocalypse'' #at least. without like. SOME pushback? it can even be something small like ''are you SURE you want ME to help you? do you really need me?'' #doesnt have to be a straight refusal but i'd like SOME kind of action to show that crowley is putting his foot down for once #he deserves that self respect #do NOT reply saying that im insinuating that aziraphale is actively malicious or doing it on purpose. #everything he has done up until now is his own complicated response to all the trauma and guilt he's been through #but despite that crowley is STILL allowed to be upset... it's messy. i can write a whole paper about how this whole thing #is just unfortunate on both ends. again. we didnt get queerbaited we got communication baited 😭 #but help me out here. am i just too fandom-brained to have these expectations from the story? #is there something obvious im missing that is making me sound like a complete asshole here? do i need to get my head out of the gutter? #someone please explain it to me if so because whatever it is‚ i can't find it #not queued

[bebagerie]

literally pete and maddie tell me im wrong

#wish we saw more of them sadge #i was thinking about real art ideas of them but ive got a queue and my hands arent working so. meme #the unsleeping city #the unsleeping city ii #maddie park #pete conlan #im almost sure this has been done before dont roast me while im still new here #my art :) #dimension 20

[frosnpls]

not to be like controversial on main or anything, but i cannot emphasize enough that my body? is a badly designed, poorly put together vessel, harbouring these diminishing so-called "vital" organs, i hope my heart goes first. I HOPE MY HEART GOES FIRST

#sits here. #this joke has absolutely been done before im sure of it #los campesinos! #lc! #we are beautiful we are doomed

[acephodel]

TODAY.

#nona the ninth #ntn #the locked tomb #gideon the ninth #harrow the ninth #Im sure this has already been done by someone else but I was posessed by a feral energy to make it so here we are #harrowhark nonagesimus #gideon nav #ianthe tridentarius

[littlecutiexox]

.

#your number one priority as an employer should be making sure your employees are happy and work is being done #how do people think its okay to start a meeting with ‘due to everyones paycheck not being certain next month’ #like #fuck #thanks thats not putting any anxiety on to me at all #they started going on about redundancy #i think you don’t qualify for redundancy unless youve been there for 15 years #the oldest member of the team has been there for 5/6 years max #how is everyone in the team not meant to freak out exactly? #people have rent to pay #sorry besties im freaking out #mega sucks too because i was massively enjoying this job and finally found myself excelling expectations #like really i live month to month and i am not the only one #how are we meant to live? #i better start applying to jobs #this makes it soo much worse that i refused the other job offer i had 2 months ago because i was most likely going to get promoted soon here #noww theyre most likely shutting the entire business down #sheeeesh #update i was wrong #redundancy pay is if youve been employed for more than 2 years #so thats 4/9 team members that can get redundancy pay #ive only been there 8 months #but at least others can get redundancy pay for a couple of weeks

[whatswiththemustache]

#this has been sitting in my drafts for a while.... #im for sure missing a lot of good Merlin fic tropes here #i just love how there are so many tripes that have been done SO MANY TIMES in this fandom #and yet we never tire of them #they're just... *chef's kiss* #i for one am particularly partial to gay shit happening in alcoves #merlin #bbc merlin #emrys #arthur pendragon #merthur #fanfic #fanfic tropes

[astranauticus]

(trips and spills black hair/white hair ships all over your dash) ah shit ah fuck-

#art i made #how tf do i tag this??? #shiguang #vanoe #inuokko #lumerene #elythorns #putting elythorns feels like cheating cuz elysium has like 3 different hair colours but theyre here because i say so #binge rewatched the promised neverland s1 on a plane when i was like 80% done with this so uh #let the records show norray wouldve been the unofficial 6th entry in this collection #this is a very target audience of me and me only kinda thing but like #can we talk about how noe archiviste and cheng xiaoshi are basically just colour palette inversions of each other #kindhearted naive counterpart to a more jaded partner + abandonment trauma #+ powers that involve experiencing other peoples memories in traumatically visceral ways #also! fun fact but noe vnc and thorns arknights have the same japanese va because i am nothing if not consistent apparently #ALSO also depending on how you count it 2-4/5 of these guys are doomed by the narrative. not sure whats the trend here #i mean elythorns and lumerene are doomed in the is3 timeline but to be fair everybodys kinda doomed in the is3 timeline #NO WAIT IM STUPID elythorns is doomed either way cuz of the. terminal rock cancer situation #so caught up in the euphoria of iberia gang that for a minute i lived in a world where oripathy didnt exist

[girlcrushau]

#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/ #but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment #i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating #there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2 #months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it #not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him #in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to. #until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if #he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone #and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think #there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy #your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you) #and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly #so last night #i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text. #i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart #until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent #that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real #did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart #and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about #and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in #which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever #it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in. #just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the #reason that he went away on me. #im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying #not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me #that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest. #and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs #he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am

[sparklestheunicorn]

I can see you is so pen and kelsea coded

#taylor swift #the tearling trilogy #ME! #(bet you bitches thought i was done) #'what would you do if i went to touch you now? what would you do if they never found us out? what would you do if we never made a sound?' #and the whole kelsea not feeling ✨️sexy✨️. and im pretty sure she thought something along the lines of what would you do if i kissed. what #would you do if we fucked right here right now #AND THEN THERES THE CHORUS 'i can see you waiting down the hall for me' HE IS HER PERSONAL GUARD. OF COURSE HES WAITING FOR HER #'and i could see you up against the wall with me' HOW SHE STARTED LOOKING FORWARD TO THEIR NIGHTS TOGETHER #and back to the first verse 'ive been watching you for ages and i spend my time trying not to feel it' girl has been watching him and wonder #ing why he hasnt made a move yet but she is the queen of a dying kingdom and has more important things to worry about than her teenage urges #'AND WE KEPT EVERYTHING PROFESSIONAL BUT SOMETHINGS CHANGED ITS SOMETHING I LIKE' like come on #pen desperately clinging to his job his duty and kelsea's just begging him to touch her #'they keep watchful eyes on us'. the mace the next day like 'ohoho what do we have here' and how he's just been so overprotective of her #not to mention the rest of her guards always watching. #'i could see you make me want you even more' THE FACT THAT SHE COULD HAVE LOVED HIM BACK. THAT SHE WAS ALMOST THERE. THAT HE WAS WHAT SHE #WAS CLINGING TO IN THE DUNGEONS OF MORTMESNE #im very happy i made this connection #needed another tearling post for a while now

[phoneybeatlemania]

Cynthia Lennon: abuse and historiography

So today Im thinking about this quote, which discusses Cynthia Lennon's historiography, and specifically the discourse surrounding Johns physical abuse. The author writes: 

“[Cynthia] in no way sweeps [Johns] bad behaviour under the rug in her first book [A Twist Of Lennon], but she saves the details — namely, the scene in which John follows her down a hallway and slaps her hard enough to cause her to hit her head on a pipe—for the book she would write several years later.

It’s possible that she felt like she couldn’t publish those details without being dismissed—or blamed—until the world better understood the nature of domestic violence. It’s also possible that her own understanding of domestic violence shaped her view for her second book…The evolution of the Western world’s view of relationship violence is key to evaluating Cynthia Lennon’s historiography.” (A Twist Of Lennon Revisited by Elizabeth Snowden)

Though I do think the varying social contexts that would have influenced each of Cynthias memoirs is important to understand, in terms of why she would have left out the detail of physical abuse in her first work—another thing I take away from this, is that its not inconceivable that she would have continued to downplay Johns physical acts of abuse in later life. [more below the cut]

For whatever reasons that may have possessed her, she did neglect to mention the physical assault in her first book (perhaps she felt embarrassed about it; perhaps she wanted to protect Johns reputation; perhaps there were legal concerns; perhaps, as was mentioned in the quote, socially 1978 just wasn’t a time in which she would have garnered an empathetic response from the vast majority of people). 

But the question this begs for me is: can we really say, with confidence, that this assault was definitely a one time occurrence only? Ive always struggled to accept that John would have only hit Cynthia once, in part because it just doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t understand why he would write a lyric such as “I used to be cruel to my woman, I beat her and kept her apart from the things that she loved”  if this was a one-time, isolated incident of physical assault that happened in 1958/59. Do I believe that John was genuinely remorseful about the assault? Yes—Cynthia details him being such in her book [“He apologised for hitting me and said it would never happen again…” “He was deeply ashamed of what he had done…” pg. 38], and as well, John did tend to feel guilty and self-hating over his hostile behaviours [see: I Know (I Know) as an example of this]. But I struggle to believe that he would have continued to have felt this remorse over hitting her one time when he was 17 for the following 8/9 years of their relationship. And even more-so, while you could argue his lyricism in Getting Better was hyperbolic or fictitious, its clear that he was being serious in his 1980 interview, stating: 

“It is a diary form of writing. All that ‘I used to be cruel to my woman, I beat her and kept her apart from the things that she loved’ was me. I used to be cruel to my woman, and physically...any woman. I was a hitter. I couldn't express myself and I hit. I fought men and I hit women. That is why I am always on about peace, you see. It is the most violent people who go for love and peace. Everything's the opposite. But I sincerely believe in love and peace. I am a violent man who has learned not to be violent and regrets his violence. I will have to be a lot older before I can face in public how I treated women as a youngster.”

[Note: Also, I don’t tend to like to look to deeply into the semantics of interviews, since I think people are a) prone to being inarticulate and unable to express what they really mean, and b) are often just making off-the-cuff remarks—but I do think its significant that John describes himself through the noun of being “a hitter”, rather then saying “I hit X…” which would have suggested it was an isolated incident.]

Again, I just don’t really understand why John would still be feeling remorse over physically abusing women, if it was an isolated incident. It again suggests that there was more than one occurrence of physical abuse. Furthermore, we also have descriptions of physical abuse detailed by both John and Cynthia in Hunter Davies’s book, which are highly suggestive that there were other occurrences of physical abuse in their early relationship:

‘Molly, the cleaning woman, once caught John hitting me, really clouting me. She said I was a silly girl, to get mixed up with someone like that. 

‘I was in a sort of blind rage for two years,’ says John. ‘I was either drunk or fighting. It had been the same with other girlfriends Id had. There was something the matter with me.’ 

‘I just kept hoping he’d get over it, but I wondered if I could stick it long enough to find out. I blamed his background, his home, Mimi and the College.’

You can read a collection of his instances of violence towards women in the top comment of this reddit post; I feel its a fairly good piece on this, since it cites sources (some of which you could argue are dodgy, but sources nonetheless), and also details them pretty objectively.

Now, I don’t know the extent of Johns physical abuse towards Cynthia, but if you want to hear my speculation on the subject, this is it: I think it happened more then once, especially during Johns “2 year blind rage” (from ages 17-19), although I don’t get the impression that it occurred much (if at all) following their marriage and Julians birth. If it was regular during that period, then it seems as though it would have gone noticed by Cynthias friends/housekeepers. Based on Johns behavioural history of being a ‘mean drunk’, I would assume too that the physical abuse would have mostly occurred while John was under the influence of some kind of drug/drink. I also think it probably stopped relatively early on (perhaps ’61-ish? Just a guess though)—in part because John had obviously recognised that his behaviour had to change by 1967, as we know from the lyrics of Getting Better; but also, because it seems to me that a large part of their marriage often involved just ignoring one-another, I suppose. A massive conflict within the relationship was the issue of negligence*, and so I imagine that arguments would be deescalated simply because they didn’t address the problem in the first place. 

[*“Negligence” by the way doesn’t mean I think John didn’t want to be more emotionally-present within the relationship; he neglected Julian in some ways too, but I don’t doubt that he loved him; and theres plenty to suggest that John did want and try to be a good father and husband. What the negligent aspect really indicates to me is that he was just struggling with mental illness and trauma, and due to this he found it difficult to establish these connections with his loved ones, and to consistently maintain emotional stability].

But ultimately, I admit that this is only my speculation. Im sure others would disagree—after all, there is room to do-so: you could argue Cynthia left him after the first instance of physical abuse, which indicates she would not have put up with it again. You could argue that, at the end of the day, the most we have is Cynthias word, so perhaps we should just run with it. And theres a level of rationality to these objections, which I do recognise—but what Im really trying to address with this post is just that, if we want to understand John Lennon fully, then we shouldn’t try to dismiss or downplay the reality of his abuses, and that means understanding accounts of them in their full contexts, which means considering an element of historiography.

If you're wondering what the actual purpose of this post is, I can promise you it's not an attempt to purely disparage Johns name; nor am I actively searching for objectionable things John did throughout his life for the sole purpose of shitting on him (unlike this Vice article). I just think that questioning Cynthias historiography, and asking ourselves if it is possible—and likely—that she would have dispelled other instances of physical abuse from her own narrative, plays an important role in our attempts to understand John Lennon at his fullest. And while I don't love hearing That One Guy at a party cite that "John was a wifebeater”, I also don't like seeing fans get too evasive with this subject. From what I typically see on Tumblr these days, most people seem pretty good at discussing subject, and so Im hesitant to even post this (concerned I may be coming off as patronising or with an ‘Im Moral, You’re Not’ attitude). But at times I see people make points that either seem misguided and/or misinformed—a good example of this is when I see people remark that John was drunk when he hit Cynthia (as detailed in her 2005 memoir), despite her not noting that in her telling of the story—and so I feel writing this may be beneficial for a few people.

Discussing the fact that John had a history of abuse doesn’t mean you have to perceive him as a Terrible Person, or that we cant still empathise with him, or that we cant recognise his emotional growth and maturity across the years. All it means is that, we shouldn’t ignore the contexts, and should strive for as comprehensive an understanding of him as a person as we can: hence why Ive brought this topic up.

[Final Note: since I want people to have the full contexts on this, here’s the extracts from Cynthia Lennon’s second book John (2005), found at the end of chapter 3 and beginning of chapter 4:]

#cw physical abuse #this has been in my drafts awhile because im not sure whether to post it or not #because I dont want to be overly moralistic here #like ik most of you are already aware of all of this stuff #but I think maybe this will be beneficial for newer-ish fans #because when youre just learning about the band its easy to get too caught up into the He Only Did It Once argument #when like. theres room to disagree :/ #and we should keep that in mind #so yeah gonna post I guess #cynthia lennon #beatles #sources #idk. its a topic thats been done to death at this point and everyones got an opinion #but I just wanted to share mine