#im tired of being scared of this nasty! i dont need to be anymore!

[tsukiyamavalentine]

Not So Nice Post Before I Come Back Tomorrow:

Hey y’all. So I know I’m coming online tomorrow for the weekend but I just needed to come online and make a more negative post about something that happened on my birthday, before I can really get all excited about London.

So, basically, when I came back on my birthday, I was greeted by these in my inbox.

(TW: suic*de, sh, ableism, anon hate)

(the bit in red is the R slur and the S word that people sometimes use for disabled ppl)

I believe these were in response to me addressing false accusations of hate anon about me.

Some of these anons dont rly make that much sense to me in context so I don’t know if maybe after i addressed the situation the ppl that accused me of stuff started talking abt me again or something (which i suspected tho i thought most of it was paranoia and the nightmares i was having, but then one of these ppl was literally camping my pinterest for ages after so idk), and then some nasty people saw that and decided to send me these. I genuinely don’t know though, it could just be that the people that sent these just saw my response, are fans/friends of those people and sent these. Either way, it really fucking sucks. I guess.

I honestly didnt think there’d be backlash to me defending myself. I didn’t do anything wrong. maybe I was naive in that, i even hoped i moght get an apology tho ik that wouldn’t happen. i didnt expect such cruel things. i didnt expect this at all.

When i saw these on my birthday i tried to ignore these bc i wanted to have a nice day and i thought that if i spoke about them, then the anons themselves or other people would come for me harder and i knew i wouldn’t survive that. I also just didn’t have the strength to talk about this on my birthday. I barely have the strength now, but I need to get this out of my system before the weekend in London, as I’m desperate to have a nice time there.

These asks are also not the worst of it. There were other asks about my dog which are just so disgusting. I will share them in a rb or separate post but they are awful.

The last few weeks since my bday have basically just been me trying not to seriously hurt myself because of these anons. My eating disorder and my sh have just gotten way worse bc of it, but tbh i think that’s kept me alive. if i wasn’t damaging myself, then id be dead. Even tho I’ve turned asks off, i still come on here scared that these people would’ve done something to my account or have targeted my other accounts. they haven’t yet, but someone was trying to get into my ao3 a few weeks ago and idk who that could be but maybe it was one of these ppl who sent the anons??

I know these people are just trolls who are powerless without anonymity, but i cant help but just believe them and give into hurting myself even more. i was already really struggling mentally after what went down and seeing these has just made it worse.

I’m very much used to ableism in my life, but not rly like this. i didnt rly think ppl like this existed anymore. it makes me sad to know there are people like this out there.

i dont know who sent them or what they get out of sending them. I didn’t do anything wrong. I was just defending myself from very serious false accusations against me, i don’t understand why these people hate me so much. I haven’t done anything. idk what ppl have been saying about me (if anything) and unless its more serious accusations then i don’t care. i literally havent done anything wrong. im so sick of this shit. I’m so done with everything. It’s obvious that there are so many people who just want me to die, including myself. I can’t take it anymore. I don’t understand this. If you hate me that much, at least have the courtesy to hate me without the mask of anonymity.

I’m scared posting this will lead to me being further targeted by these anons / other people, but idc. if they come after me and it kills me, then it kills me. so what. im too tired to care anymore. I just wanted to get this out there, so maybe i can enjoy my weekend and try and not think abt these anons as much anymore.

i don’t know who sent the anons or why but i hope you got what you wanted.

That’s all. I will post the asks about my dog in a minute. I apologise for posting such negative things but i just can’t take it anymore its been haunting my brain for like weeks now i just want it to go away. I sort of had the confidence to talk abt these now which is why I’m here today. I’m sorry. if those anons are reading this then pls just leave me alone. i havent done anything wrong.

#tw anon hate #tw hate #tw sh #tw ed #tw ed mention #tw suicide #tw ableism

[autisticpika]

u know in the futurama episode Fun on a Bun when everyone thinks fry died all up in benders sausage maker and leela gets her memories of fry like...not erased but temporarily disconnected from her thoughts? anyways God i wish that were me!

#pikaposting #like nit to be dramatic but i wanna forget some stuff. so bad #like ive been having dreams with my abuser popping in it even though i dont have to be afraid of him right now!!! #like im on vacation in a different state! far away from him! #even then he doesnt intreract with me when im in the same building withj him! so why does itr matter! #he doesnt even do anything to me in my dreams hes just. there like at schopl #ive had dreams where he did bad stuff to me but?? this is irrelevant and just discomforting #idk i wanna just snip memories of him and other experiences/people from my brain at least for a little bit #i know in futurama her memories were regained when she saw fry again but i just want idk at least a break #im tired of being scared of this nasty! i dont need to be anymore! #and idk maybe i need to keep these memories because i learned from them how to recognizs when im being taken advantage of #but do i rlly need to remember it This much? #and fcking ppl that have a 0.001% chance of interacting with me? im still afraid of them too #okay rlly just the One Guy from a looong time ago but like.. im afraid hell try talking to me again #or thatr hes been secretly stalking me idk #anyways uhhh Bungus! im gonna watch youtube then try to sleep this off

[fading-lace]

how the demons bros would react to you just randomly screaming-

ok i can explain...im in a really hyper, crackhead mood. so dont @ me-

warnings: screaming, scared demons, crack, swearing-

you both were chilling in his office 

complete silence 

lucifer was working on paperwork and you were sitting there, bored.

so bored you decided to do what no one else dared-

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhHhhhHHHh” you literally screamed at the top of your lungs

lucifer jumped and his knees hit his desk as a huge ass stack of papers fell on the floor.

“(Y/N)!!! are you ok??”

“haha, yea im fine”

“...?”

you actually like scared him.

like he thought you were dying or something or that belphie killed you again-

he clicked his tongue and glared at you

“you made my papers fall..”

you looked over to his sTacK of PaPers and frowned

“sorry..”

“your fine, now come help me clean this up”

you and mammon were hanging out in his room 

until you got a amazing idea

you pulled a guitar out of your ass-

no jk jk jk you just grabbed one like a normal person 

mammon was confused, what were you doing??

you sat in front of him and held the guitar like you were going to play it

“mammon, im going to sing a song about how i feel as a human 😌”

“...?? ok...”

you strummed one note and S C R E A M E D

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

dude this man jumped like six feet into the air

you scared him shitless 

he might need new pants and underwear now-

“(Y-Y/N)?? what was that for?!?”

“its the desperate calls of depression, stress, anxiety, and overall being a human for help-”

“wha-”

“go get some new pants...i can smell you-”

“(Y-Y/N)!!! NO YOU CAN’T!! I SMELL FINE!!!”

“you sure? it smells pretty bad-”

his face went so red omg-

“your teasing me”

“nope.”

he didn’t talk to you for a entire month-

both of you were watching anime, a fun thing to do right?

wrong.

both of you were fighting over who was more useless, sakura or ino

“LEVI IM TELLING YOU, SAKURA IS SO UNBELIEVABLY USLESS ITS SAD”

“NO ITS INO, WHAT HAS SHE DONE??

“RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHLAKJFLAKFAKHJHJ”

“...”

 levi was speechless 

“what the fuck...”

“what?”

“why?”

“why what?”

“why did you scream”

“...”

“...”

“i dont...know?”

“...”

he simply got up and walked away

“wait!! levi!!!”

you and satan were readings books, what else is new-

you were honestly really tired and didn’t want to read anymore 

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

satan jumped and looked at you

“is there something wrong?”

“....no-”

“then why did you scream”

“the same exact reason why you scream at lucifer”

“...”

he looked at you and closed his book.

“alright, what do you wanna do?”

“....”

he sighed and walked over to you

“what. do you. wanna. do.” he asked again

“...hehe-”

he sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose

“fuck?”

“fuck.”

you were getting pissed off at asmo

“you look so beautiful!! but not as beautiful as me of course!!”

“i mean look at me (Y/N)!! im so beautiful!!”

 “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

he flinched and looked at you with the most concerned face

“whats the matter?”

“the matter is your narcissistic ass”

he gasped and looked at you with a offended face 

“how dare you call me narcissistic!!”

“how dare you call me the truth”

“what that your beautiful”

“no, that im ugly and nasty”

“...”

“you now im half-joking right?”

“...”

“asmo”

“...human humor is weird-”

“your the one to talk-”

you walkedto beels room and S L A M M ED open the door and S C R E A M E D

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

beel flinched and looked at you with a worried face

“whats wrong?”

“WHATS WRONG IS THAT YOU ATE ALL OF MY CHIPS”

“n-no i didn’t”

“YES YOU DID”

“ok fine...maybe i did, i was hungry ok?”

“YOU FUCKING SEALED UP THE EMPTY BAG”

“I FELT BAD OK?”

“THATS NO EXCUSE!!!”

“YES IT IS”

“I WAS H U N G R Y”

“WELL I WAS TOO!!!”

“RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

“RAAAAAAAASSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-”

belphie was sleeping and you were PISSED at lucifer 

you needed to just...scream

so you found a empty bottle and screamed into it

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

belphie woke up casually and yawned 

“pisses off again?”

“yea, lucifer is making me angry...so im bottling up all my screams into this bottle”

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” you screamed again before quickly closing the bottle 

“its fine everything is ok-”

“can i join in?

“find a bottle and yea”

“MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

he straight up just screamed into his pillow

“i do this everyday, i dont need a bottle-”

“o-ok..”

A/N: i started getting anxious and rushed to finish this, so it may be to short or just trash-

#obey me #crack fic #lucifer #mammon #leviathan headcanons #satan #asmo #beel #belphie #obey me x reader #demon brothers

[wickedghastly]

y’all that lemon trick and hex really hits when it needs to hit like holy fucking shit.

CHEERS BITCH MAY ALL YA HEXES HIT THE WAY THIS SHIT DID

i dont think ive publically talked about this but my neighbor’s upstairs are family to my landlord and for all the years ive lived here those bitches have hated me and my family and threatened to assault my mother (never did cuz theyre punk ass scary ass bitches) like theyre ALWAYS in some shit and some problems (thats why the street life and chasing fast money isnt worth it) always threatening people always screaming always literally MISERABLE MISERABLE people making everyone ese around them miserable

over the summer since i cant smoke in my house i got permission from the landlord to smoke on my backporch. these bitches, who dont know how to communicate like human beings instead of childish wild animals, ended up at some point throwing mop water on me and my partner from their porch upstairs onto me. even after the landlord telling them they needed to stop throwing their dirty mop water out onto our porch because they ruined our wooden table and i wanted to install my handmade haitian hammock to enjoy but was too scared too because itd get ruined by their filthy nasty ass water, they decided to throw mop water off their porch onto me DURING A PANDEMIC and when i cussed them out the stupid bitch was just laughing about it. Because she thought she could get away with it bc the landlord is her son. 

girl when i tell you i took all that long pentup anger and rage and threw some shit at them. CUZ I WAS FUCKING TIRED. TIRED. its YEARS of their fucking bullshit and abuse. YEARS. Over NOTHING bc ever since I first moved there at 16 i ALWAYS tried being friendly and nice but they just HATED me for NO REASON. We could never move because the way our city has been gentrified we’d have to leave our city to the suburbs because of how unaffordable its become. depriving us of too many programs and opportunities we need to survive. so we put up with those bitches for years because we had no choice.

and that shit fucking HIT to the level I NEVER EXPECTED IT TO.

Within the first few days of me making that lemon the landlord went up there AND CUSSED THEM ALL THE FUCK OUT. Literally I stood next to my backdoor so I could vibe and listen and it was BEAUTIFUL. How the fuck is your own son telling you you behave like a 5 year old or an animal has better manners than you. That she’s fucking insane and needs to get fucking help. Y’ALL THEY WERE CRYING AND SCREAMING AT HIM LIKE “HOW DARE YOU SIDE WITH THEM AND NOT YOUR ACTUAL FAMILY”. A whole motherfucking BLOWOUT. It was hard to hear because of HOW MANY PEOPLE WERE YELLING AND JUST HOW MUCH ARGUING HAPPENED but I remember he left with a loud ass SLAM with all of them upstairs discussing how “You need to support family” whatever whatever “im going to talk to housing” etc. 

After that, I didnt hear a PEEP from those people for a while. When I would see them, instead of their usual scowls and stares, they literally pretend I dont exist. LIKE THANK YOU. THATS ALL I WANTED. WHY COULDNT YOU JUST DO THAT FROM THE JUMP.

Y’all but it gets even better. THEY FUCKING MOVED. HE LITERALLY KICKED THEM THE FUCK OUT, HIS OWN FAMILY. I THOUGHT I had heard him saying to them during the blowout that they needed to leave but I wasnt sure!!! BUT HE DID HE KICKED THEIR ASSES OUT!!!!!! I realized it when a new man was living upstairs, I dont see either of their cars anymore, I never hear them in the early morning, their stuff isnt downstairs, they got rid of a giant workout machine (that my cousin snatched up), their name isnt on the mailbox anymore...............THEYRE FUCKING OUTTA HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT WASNT EVEN MY INTENTION!! I just wanted them to feel all the paina nd misery they had inflicted on my family over these years and BITCHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Yo i didnt even think it was gonna hit like that!!!!! At all!!!!!! I expected maybe for them to always be fighting with each other and aggravating each other but THE FACT THAT THEY LEFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i let that shit fester until it got fucking worms and bugs all over it outside until i got rid of it at the crossroads and Im convinced that was the ~*secret ingredient*~ that really had it hit harder than I intended to but LMFAOOOOOoooooooOOoooooo 

BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD WHEN NOT ONLY DID YOU NOT EXPECT IT TO ACTUALLY HIT (its been like over a year since i last did some baneful shit) YOU FORGOT ABOUT IT AND THEEEEEENNNN.......AAAAAAAHHHHHHH

#personal experiences* #curse work

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Home - Part 15

A/N: So here’s the next part, reading everyones reactions to the last chapter made me wanna finish this part sooner for you all. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read my crazy ramblings! ILY 💕

Warnings: Some violence and swearing! Nothing too graphic.

"I traced the call and it came from within the house!!"

"W..what???...." i asked shakily, my heart racing so fast hearing those words from Sam.

"Y/N, Jack is in there somewhere, you need to get out now! Im on my way to you but I'm at least 10 minutes out. Stay on the line with me sweetheart okay"

"Okay....." i said quietly, as i went to grab my car keys from my purse i heard a loud thump from upstairs "shit Sam his upstairs!!" I grabbed my purse and made a run for the front door, i punched in the alarm code and flipped the lock open, i had the door halfway open when i felt the force of a body slam into me, i hit the door face first making the door close again as my phone dropped to the floor. I let out a scream as i struggled to escape Jacks grasp, he covered my mouth with his hand to shut me up before i drew any unwanted attention.

"Sshhhhh" he mumbled in my ear with a sinister grin on his face, tears were rolling down my face as i continued to struggle "stop fighting me your just gonna hurt yourself" he cooed lovingly like he wasn't currently attacking me!

I managed to bite down hard on his fingers that covered my mouth, he yelled and let go of me for a split second but it was long enough that i could slip away from him. I ran back towards the living room knowing that i needed to get to the kitchen to try and escape out the backdoor.... or at least get a knife from the kitchen. But i didn't get far, he dived at me knocking me into the side table next to the sofa, a table lamp and some mail scattering to the floor. In the struggle i ended up landing hard on the floor with Jack climbing on top of me trying to restrain me, he hit me hard in the face stunning me for a few seconds.... my hand blindly reached out for anything i could use to hurt him, just long enough for me to escape. My hand found the fallen lamp and i wrapped my fingers around the base picking it up and bringing it down hard over his head. The ceramic base exploded into bits on impact, Jacks eyes rolled back in his head slightly as his body went sluggish and limp on top of me, i shoved him away hard and crawled out from under him making a run to the kitchen.

"Y/N!!" He yelled loudly and i could hear his stomping footsteps coming towards me again "your making this so much harder than it needs to be baby"

I managed to get the back door open and bolted across the yard, just before i got to gate he tackled me to the floor. He straddled my hips with one hand holding my arms in place above my head while the other wrapped around my throat. I kicked my legs and tried to flip him off but it was no use, he was overpowering me, barely moving from my efforts to get away from him.

"This is where you belong baby.... with me. We can be happy again...."

"Fuck you, you psycho!" I said through gritted teeth.

"Oh we can play that game if you want baby.... i have missed being inside you"

He smiled as his hand from my throat started to trail downwards "have you missed me too? Bet your new guy ain't half as good as i am"

"His more than you will ever be! His twice the man you could even dream to be Jack"

"You'll never see him again" his snapped as his hand wrapped around my throat again, squeezing, cutting off my airways. Just as everything started to go black Jack's weight was gone and i was gasping for air. My head lulled to one side and all i saw was Bucky punching Jack over and over and over.

"Buck! Stop.... your going to kill him!" I tried to say panicking that Bucky would end up going to jail for killing my piece of shit ex husband.

"Y/N!!!...." i heard Steve and Sams yells coming from the house before they came running outside. Sam was quick to pull Bucky away while Steve was at my side pulling me into his arms.

"Your okay sweetheart, we got you" he was saying as he held me close.

"Y/N.... baby are you okay?" Bucky was suddenly pulling me from Steve and into his arms. I nodded and cried as i clung to Bucky "Bucky i was so scared...."

"I know doll but i got you now, dont you worry"

"She needs to go to the hospital and get checked out, that head wound looks pretty nasty" Sam said in police officer mode, i heard a muffled groan from Jack and sighed in relief that he wasn't dead! Sam stood up and gave him a snide kick to the ribs "shut the hell up" he groaned looking down at Jack shaking his head "you brought this on yourself".

After being checked over by the doctor and having some tests done i was given the all clear, most of my injuries were scrapes from falling into the table and struggling against Jack and bruises to my throat as well as a swollen eye and a split lip. Nothing was broken so they released me on the condition that Bucky stayed with me for 48 hours incase i had a concussion.

"Im not leaving her side dont worry" he had said gripping my hand tight.

Sam had asked that we meet him at the house and give a statement, he wanted to know exactly what had happened. There was no way Jack was getting away with it.

I walked them through everything that happened from the moment Sam called me warning me Jack was in the house.

"When you were on the phone to me you said he was upstairs?"

"Yeah, i heard a loud thump like he dropped something pretty heavy" i nodded, i had actually forgotten about that until Sam mentioned it.

"Can we go upstairs and you can see if anything looks outta place?"

"You can stay down here doll, i can go look" Bucky said stroking his hand up and down my arm.

"No its okay, lets go".

Surprisingly everything looked untouched there was nothing out of place. From where i had heard the thump above the living room meant it was in the bedroom so we spent longer in there checking everything.

"I dont understand what could have made that noise...." i started to say but then my eyes fell on the closet door that was open slightly, we always made sure to keep it closed after Rosie got herself stuck in there a couple weeks ago. I walked over and pushed open the door fully, it was then i noticed an open loft hatch in the ceiling..... i hadn't even known it was there!!

"Son of a bitch!" Bucky mumbled stepping closer and looking up at the open hatch "his been in the attic??"

"Jesus christ...." Sam grumbled snapping photos on his phone "how the hell did he even get up there??"

"The main hatch in the hallway has a ladder, we've never even used the attic"

"Lets go take a look".

I followed Bucky and Sam into the attic, i needed to see for myself. We walked over to where the open hatch in the bedroom was and found a sleeping bag and empty food cartons laying around.

"Oh my god Buck, how long has he been up here??" I asked covering my mouth with my hand.

"Too fucking long!..... what the...." Bucky trailed off as he knelt down next to the sleeping bag and started prodding around on the floor.

"What is it?" Sam asked joining him.

"His been watching us"

"What?!! What do you mean his been watching us Bucky!!"

"There's a hole here that overlooks the bed" he shook his head disgust clear on his face "that sick fuck".

Thats when it made sense, when Jack called the other night and said i looked tired.... he had been watching me!!

"I think i'm gonna be sick" i mumbled before rushing for the ladder. I just made it in time to the bathroom before emptying my stomach.

"Doll are you okay?" Bucky asked walking in as i stood at the sink gargling some mouth wash.

"Far from it Buck, how did we not see it? What has he seen?!!"

"He was clever about it, the hole was on the edge of the light fitting so we wouldn't have noticed. We found one in the bathroom too"

"I cant stay here anymore Bucky I'm sorry..... can we go to the farm house. Please?" I begged him throwing my arms around his shoulders "just get me away from here, i feel like his eyes are on me"

"Sure, let me grab some clothes real quick. Steve has got the girls at his place for the night so we dont need to worry about their things just yet. Lets just get you out of here".

Home taglist: @jeremyrennerfanxxxx123 @lumar014

@bbmommy0902 @past-perfect-future-tense @heathens-takeitsl0w @captainchrisstan @ladymelissastark @93generation @sebastianstansqueen @oceansxpurple @Imjstaghoststory @rainbowkisses31 @superavengerpotterstar @cap-just-said-language @booktease21 @ms-betsy-fangirl @wildest-dream- @michelehansel @thummbelina @abbylizy @sweetlittlegingy @lorabem @barnesandrogersworld @dumblani @broco8 @xxloki81xx @keithseabrook27 @jesseswartzwelder @saiyanprincessswanie

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes fanfiction #sebastianstan #bucky barnes #bucky fanfic #sebastian stan #chris evans #home #reader insert #steve rogers

[bucksbisexual]

okay since im rewatching 2gether, might as well make my reaction public lol

tine trying to be a supportive boyfriend by asking wat if something is troublig and wat’s himbo self being like “nah fam im good” god i love this dumbass

also tine not knowing how to talk about his feelings is so relatable help

honestly i would’ve LOVED to see sarawat at least one (1) question

tine’s smile while wat drinks..... Sir I Am In Love With You

also his blush..... Sir I Am More In Love With You Than I Was Before

“is the lyric about smile or happiness?” “don’t cheat” wat saw through his bullshit right there KSJFHKS

i wonder what’s in those glasses because it doesn’t quite look like coke but it obviously isn’t beer,,,,

ohhhhh “a friend from high school” ... explains tine’s reaction we see in the teaser when he introduces pam as his highschool friend

also explains why tine thought sarawat made that video for her instead of him. wat is in his high school clothes and tine probably thought it was before he saw him (when in fact it was probably recorded the same day lmao sarawat hopeless romantic)

tine: one more game! [spins the coin and supposedly falls on heads] wat!

sarawat: no one can talk to me if i fall asleep

i’m trying not to look at bright’s jiggly butt why is ass so fat fOR

it doesnt add the points here if i dont write something else so intro time yeet

yknow what . we need more earn and more pear in these two last episodes . i need my wlw rep and i need it Now

“personal space is important even for couples” still cant believe man was the owner of their braincell in this scene

tine giving all of type’s info away to wat so wat can give it to man who tine knows will use to pester him until he becomes his boyfriend...... say it with me: tine mantype shipper

“how did you know?” “i prayed to god” literally the funniest part ever

manboss: im not going good luck wat: you’re so full of bullshit

GREEN <3

i will just say that pink is tine’s best colour. i need him in every soft pink thing u can find. it accentuates his skin colour so perfectly and we are Here for it honeyyyy

MIL SHUT THE FUCKUP

sarawat being a savage (rachet booty nasty) we stan

bro get over him oh my god he’s taken and happy with wat LEAVEEEEEE

and man pestering type begins Now ksjfh

i’m like 100000000% sure that the only thing in that whole backpack is a pencil and half of an eraser

im also sure type saw him buy the book since u literally can see him from where man and that girl are and

hold up the waiter looks like a guy from whyru,,,,,,,,,,

i need someone to write a fic about tine being an astronomy lover and wat falling in love with him because of the joy in his eyes when he talks about the stars and interesting facts about the universe and new discoveries of galaxies and other things that wat doesnt really care about but he listens to either way because he’s too in love to shut off his brain

okay back to the episode sorry i just really had to say this

wat really said “don’t take advantage of me when i’m sleeping” when they haven’t even kissed.......... no words, completely speechless

tine probably thought he was being real sneaky right there lmao boy he fell asleep 2 seconds ago

god green really appears for 2 seconds and yet he steals the show KSFJHKFJFS he really was about to beat the person in front of him’s ass for not walking faster im crying i love him

BITCH SHUT UP AND LEAVE THEM ALONE STOP TRYING TO BE A HOMEWRECKER

wat looks so offended by his offer it’s so funny jhfksjhgj still MIL GET THE FUCK OUT

them running around is so funny when u know they had to do that like 20 times and were tired as fuck KSJFHKSHFS

WAT YOU SMOOTH FUCKER i love u

omg the bracelet truly isnt there at the start of the scene :-(

“nuisance tree” lemme just cry a bit

the music stopping here......... they truly played with our feelings there huh

WAT YOU SMOOTH FUCKER 2

the reactions are so kdrama outro i cant breathe KJHFJSFKJS

GET THE FUCK OUTTTTTTTTTTT

“well, you left him” IM GOING TO STEP ON YOU

bracelet where r u :-(

“it was here a second ago” it wasn’t im an obsessed bitch and noticed just as the scene there started

he looks so worried:-( tine baby

“i can make you a new one” “but i want the old one” why do i feel like that has more than one meaning,,,

half of the times wat touches tine’s head his hands are dirty as fuck lmaoooooo

is- is someone wearing a marihuana dress??????

manbosss again and he has a book

type is the teepakorn brother that can lie and will lie meanwhile tine can’t lie for a living

I LOVE THIS GUY GIVE ME HIS SELF CONFIDENCE

dim really made up a whole spirit just for wat to be with tine lmao i cant breathe (unless the pine tree spirit is an actual thing and he just used it for this specific thing lmao)

“that senior is me” “and who did you go with?” “that was a long time ago” “it wasn’t me, it wasn’t me” “green, drop it!” i love them KSFJHFSJHF

green and wats faces i cant bREATHE these are the faces of people who know this is all fake

BRO WAT WASNT EVEN THAT SLICK WITH THE PAPER IN HIS HAND SJKHSFHHKFS

my guess is that he had two papers that were the same number just incase they didnt get the same number but then somehow mf MIL had to come in and ruin it

i dont know who chose to make bright wear this much brown but it honestly fits him so well

coffee for his soon to be boyfie

man: loving u is kind of bothering? type: o_o man

he’s still reading the book kjshfsf WAIT HES SO CUTE

“you gotta miss me if i don’t show up one day” “just back off. i’m leaving. do not follow me. give me some time to miss you” okay tsundere ass bitch

type’s so rich he’d rather spend money on getting his tire fixed than get it fixed by man for free i hate rich people

he’s also too rich to care to check if his doors were locked i-

“for me?” “do you see anyone else?” bitch ass tsundere

type: smiles, realises he just did that, eyes cutely go o_o

type looks so cute in that scene for no reason im going to eat ur cheeks if u dont stop being a cutie

aaaaaand of course theyre not paired up

dude of course he is youre creepy and also trying to break his relationship apart only because u dont have the decency to see that you dont have a place in his heart whatsoever

dim honey........ jskhsjf

tine’s hair....... PLEASE I NEED TO TOUCH IT IT LOOKS SO FLUFFY

“the spirit doesnt like it when you pray with your eyes opened” did literally no one notice how nonsense that was? KSFJHSJ

GREEN U SCARED THE BABY WHY WOULD U DRESS LIKE THAT

he looks so cute im gonna cry like actually cry

weak ass blankets they gave them i swear

if u cuddled then u wouldnt have been cold but noooooo ur big puppy boyfriend has trust issues

baby:-((((((((((( i will cover u with a blanket and give u lots of kithes and hugs

tine having his phone die at an important moment and also having no sense of direction whatsoever is so relatable lmaooooo

thank god for the rain because otherwise sarawat wouldnt have ran the way tine actually went lmao i wouldve beaten dims ass if mil was the one who found him

this scene hurts so much:-(( his throwing the grass like that in complete defeat??????? the flashback to him saying that bad things seem to happen to them lately makes my heart break

the soft touches:-((((( please im gonna Cry

dnotsaysorrydontsaysorrydonsaysorrydontsayHE SAID SORRY FFS

baby :’((((((

“i prayed for something but i havent redeemed that prayer yet” “what did you ask for?” “it’s if i got to see you again, i would show you the video i made. it’s the song your smile you are so curious about” BITCHHHHHHHHH

HES GONNA SHOW ITTTTTT YES I LOVE HOPELESS ROMANTIC HIGHSCHOOLER SARAWAT

he’s all shy i cant breathe he cant even look at the screen skjfhksh

oh so it was on the same day sksjhj forgot about that

I CRY I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

tine is all blushy im gonna sob i love these two

im trying not to scream and tines reaction to wat telling him he went to every scrubb concert just to look for him

ITS NOT GONNA GET STUCK ON THE VIDEO BABY HE WILL LIKE U BACK IN A YEAR!!!!!!

“i like you” “yeah. i know. i like you too” AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA IM LITERALLY REWATCHINNG BUT I STILL JUST SCREECHED AT THAT I LOVE THIS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

their smiles after he said it tho.......... my heart hURTS

wat: the wish only drew us to cross paths again. us being together is because of something else, tine: what then? wat: shout out to my homies for being there for me since day one i love u bros

THE FLASHBACK AAAAAAAA I FOUND HIM YES U DID BABYYYYYY

boss’s whistle after he tells them that he only said he would kiss him until he dropped lmaoooooo

“his name is tine. [with the softest voice ever] what a cute name”

manboss looking at each other like this bitch is so gone for this random dude but we’re gonna support him because we’re the only friends he has

wat was probably wishing the pool had water in it so he could throw both of them into it at that moment KJSFHJSFHF

“he’s the one i like” “shiiiiiit” same dim, same

fan dee nAAAAAA

his ass was so gone he was gonna make his ig username lovetine i literally cant believe him

boss having the braincell in this scene i love it

“but earn has a boyfriend” LIES. SO MANY LIES. ITS A GIRL. SHES A WHOLE LESBIAN.

boss once again being the owner of the braincell...... im starting to think he owns it half of the time

“you get it now? us being together is not a coincidence. it’s because of us” WAT YOU SMOOTH FUCKER 3

wait,,,,, tine’s little head tilt,,,,,,, SIR I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU

the stars!!!!!!!!! theyre there!!!!!!

“i think nothing bad is going to happen anymore” honey you got a big storm coming

it ended :’(((((( my beautiful boys i love this episode and drama so much i swear

lets watch the next episode teaser

i dont think tine is gonna lsiten to pam saying that but if he does,,, baby pls dont overthink okay he loves u and wont leave u for anyone in the world

phukong dont come back to him he knows that u like him and will play with ur feelings

type is gonna have to choose between im guessing either a boy interested in him from work or man and im gonna vote for him going with man lets hope i win

WHAT IS WRNOG WITH U BRO GET OUT HES HIS BOYFRIEND OF COURSE HES GOING TO CARE AND WORRY YOURE JSUT A CREEP FOLLOWING HIM AROUND HOPING THAT THEIR RELATIONSHIP ENDS SO U CAN SNEAK IN UGH

“is pam your first love?” WHY DID U END THE TEASER THERE AAAAAAA BITCH

im so glad that the episode comes out today because i Need to know more

okay thats it if anyone read all of this first of all sorry kjshkfj and second of all thank u ,, u didnt have to but u did and ily for that okay bye

#2gether #2gether the series #2gether ep11 #2gether reaction #svt-district posts

[loudlypanickinginvenezolano]

[WIP] Dolled up. (I think.) Half of first chapter.

TW: Violence (They are figthing.) Dealing with injuries. Wounds. Blood. No medical experience so, all of this could be very well absolutely wrong and very worthy of cringe. Mention of death. Body horror? I think? There is a very ugly looking monster. And I wrote how I imagined them to look, so... 

The blackened earth was smoking, the greyish thing going high to the darkened sky. Rubble was everywhere, disaster and chaos claiming what once seemed to be a very calm forest. Animals carcass lithered the burned ground, and Shadow worried for a while that maybe there wasn’t going to be anything growing in a very long time, and seeing how far the damage extended, it really was concerning.

Or, maybe not.

Strange things happening in Mobius was something Shadow was becoming used to. Things that should not happen were the normal here. People, Mobians and Humans for equal, had learned to stop questioning the around.

If it wasn’t something dangerous, then let it be.

He still hadn’t get the hang of it. But.

Well.

He gazed softly at the half burned bunnies and half dead squirrels (and that one bear.) praying softly in a low voice for them and the destroyed natural bunch of flowers and grass that were...well, everywhere. The smell of burning wood and fallen trees marked the path for him to walk, were the fight sounds have already subsided. Looking over himself, and deciding that he wasn’t that bad as if for not being able to continue, he quickly stood up, shaking softly as he ran to get rid of annoying dirt, fallen quills, hairs, rocks, and well, dried (And not so dried.) blood.

He just hoped he wasn’t going to find bugs crawling on him later on.

What remained of the big bio mechanical beast he and his companion had been battling was on the ground. All three of them had fallen at great heights, a stronger that he expected punch with long claws making him slip and fall before they stopped. It had hurt, a lot, more because they had been battling for quite the while, and he got the hit directly in already bruised areas. He had been dizzy, and unable to stand up or answer Sonic scream asking if he was okay.

There may be a few broken bones or strained, sprained muscles. A few burned patches, no doubt. Scratch’s, cuts, and bruises that were going to get swollen and hurt like a bitch.

He didn’t think there was internal bleeding? But maybe it was too soon to say?

Sticks broke under his skates, flowers and thick logs that have been throw around as spectators of the battle. The beast laid unmoving, debris all around. He could see a destroyed house not very far, an un-salvable fence and what could be a garden. He could hear some animals screaming near, and the desperate chirping of new baby birds whose parents had fled during the altercate.  

Feeling guilty, he made a mental note to try and search for them, see who could be saved and what needed to be put out of its misery.

— Shadow! — He heard Sonic screech, and quickly wiped around, trying to find from where the blue menace was screaming. He didn`t find him, but he, however, was found indeed.

Just that not by a very tired looking blue cute hedgehog, but by a miserable looking thing that tried to call itself a cyborg. The beast, no doubt an hybrid made in an experimental laboratory seemed to have lost itself in pain, and its feral stare cut sharply to unfocused hazy red eyes.

Fuck.

He dodged the attack with a pant, his body complaining at the every move. It seemed it had finally snapped, as it didn’t mind anymore the pain it felt. It barely growled at him when with a good punch, he managed to take off one of its various mechanical arms.

There was nothing under it, and the view evidently made Shadow feel very uneasy and uncomfortable, because at least there, there should be something. Uneasy enough to make him falter just a bit, and almost get his nose bitten. He got it licked, though.

Was he being mocked?

Was he a joke to Cyborg-thingy?

Falling down hard on his already hurting tail, he barely reacted in time to block its big maw with his skates, clawed hands digging on the soil beneath him as if to not get pushed around. He flexioned, bringing his knees to his chest in the most unexpected moment, making it lose balance for a second.

The second he needed to yank and make it fall forward hard, almost flying over his head.

Shadow felt like screaming, the agony on his body and that twist he did that pulled hard on already sensitive muscles was a lot to deal with, more with his old, still healing, wounds. He lifted his head from the ground, trying to look out for Sonic, wondering where the fuck was his ally. He found him battling with those annoying smoll winged beasts a good few meters apart from where he was, smile all but gone and seriously attacking those bitches.

He made a face, because Shadow barely could fight them without getting nightmares or feeling shivers running down his spine, not that, well, anyone knew. Those things creeped him out. Like. Really. Maybe it was how crazy their eyes looked? How...red? The scars and metal plates peppered over their bodies? The scary looking stiches on mismatched skin? The dark-feeling chaos energy they had?

His stomach lurched just thinking about them.

— Disgusting. — He muttered. They really made him nervous and tense.

"When something was so annoying, it was almost pleasant seeing them disappear or die." It just...He couldn’t get that feeling completely when battling them. Even so.

Erm.

Mh, Wasn`t Sonic being a tad too much on them? He seemed almost...angry?

Maybe he should follow his example. He just needed...5 more seconds. You know. Catch his breath. Swallow back his liver. Pray it goes to where it belong.

Cry?

The usual.

A loud creaking noise made him open his eyes abruptly, and he looked back at his own beast.

Did this dude didn’t know when to give up?

Or how to die?

He rolled out of the way, avoiding a tree being send flying his way. It crashed, hard, close the chaotic house.

Shadow could barely spare it a thought, though. Not when it sprinted towards Sonic, apparently deciding that Shadow was too much of a rough cookie and needed to try his luck somewhere else.

— Nope! — He muttered, standing up as well with a big effort. — Idiot! Wa-Watch out! — He screamed to his distracted rival. Or tried to. He could barely talk. He was becoming dizzy once again.

This was. Concerning. Had he got his head--? Forget it. Of course he did.

Skating the distance between them, he outran the beast, breathing hard, and started trying to attack it, or distract it. He stabbed, punched, pulled, heck, even gave a bite, but the thing ignored him, as if Shadow were nothing but a mere bug. Sonic had long noticed them, but the flying things didn’t left him a chance to go away. They clipped his skin, and avoided his spins. Didn’t reacted to his quills, and clawed at him, don’t letting him leave.

They were so many, it almost looked like a private tornado. Every time Sonic got one down, two more would pop out of nowhere and take its place. They were flying around him, circling, going high and then diving in attack. In made it hard to see Sonic.

Clinging hard to a bit of fur, Shadow managed to climb it. It started to pay him more attention, but didn’t change his direction, adamant in attacking Sonic. Unsteadily, he made his way and managed to make a deep cut on its neck. Digging his claws, he tried to break it. Make it quickly, and stop its pain.

Just end it. Give it peace.

The beast let out a big roar, and his shaking almost threw him at the ground before honestly scared green eyes. A few flying things started to attack him, making it harder to stay put. He really didn’t know if the blood he was seeing mating the beast fur was his, its, or from them.

Because he was kicking their asses as well, yes sir.

He squeezed harder, and the beast tripped and twisted with a yowl. Shadow had to jump before he got crushed beneath it, tackling Sonic on his way, as well, getting both of them out of the way of the beast by rolling on the ground…and well… rocks and branches.

One word.

Ouch.

No good. Really.

No good.

The winged ones flew all around them, in a very messy and menacing mayhem. A lot of them were surrounding The beast, clinging and... Were they taking off with it?

Their wings were beating them, flashes of green, brown, red, metal grey and blue all around. Even the sky above was darkened because of them. They clipped Sonic hands, arms, face, Shadows ears, back. Their screeching was disorienting, painful on sensitive hedgehog hearing.

This time it was Shadow who got pushed to the ground, his whines of agony washed out for all the noise, Sonic rolling them out of the way of a big, big, Winged One. He got a nasty cut (With a sting powerful enough to steal a high yelp of pain) on his side thanks to it, and a push forceful enough to throw him off Shadow and make them roll a bit. Two of them flew way to low, making both of them duck their heads and, in consequence, leaving them unable to see the next attack before too late.

Sharp claws pierced the skin on Shadow back, making him actually scream thanks to the excruciating pain and scaring the ever loving shit out of Sonic, who immediately reached out. Shadow clung to Sonic arms when his body was lifted from the ground. Sonic yelped as well, panic flowing through his body and mind as his upper part was lifted too and couldn’t find purchase with his shoes for 2 petrifying seconds. They weren’t taking Shadow from him.

They couldn’t.

Sonic refused. ___ Hi? Im sorry if this seems like too much, but im proud of how this is coming out, so ! Yes. I just dont know if I should publish only Tumblr. 

#that thing about people deciding in writing during quarantine? Yes. Basically #quarantine fic #Sonic the hedgehog #shadow the hedgehog #Sonadow #Just not yet #Sonic is actually pining hard #Tropes #anger born out of worry #my writing

[rainecloud020604]

below the cut is a bit of a long venty self reflection.. tw: sensitive topics, the specifics are in the tags

so with quartinteen going on i’ve had a lot of time to look at myself and my actions, i have a bad habit of over analyzing things and ripping them apart. including myself.

i’ve noticed that i keep a lot of things to myself to the point where its unhealthy, i dont tell people when im upset, i dont tell people that im hurt, i dont even tell my parents when i feel sick anymore unless i feel like im dying and need medicine and maybe a trip to the doctor. Im still scared to do that...

i get made fun of and mocked, told im overreacting when im sick or hurt by my parents. its really affected me, being told to walk it off cause im being a baby or im being a drama queen for attention i dont really want. its at the point where i have fallen into a habit of lying about my health, some days i feel like utter shit and i know it will show, i will tell some people, not my parents, my friends i talk to that day. it’s gotten to the point where i was ready to kill myself because my parents wouldnt listen and take me to a doctor after i could eat or drink anything for two weeks without immediately rushing to the bathroom, that was new years eve... i almost did, it took a lot to not do that, and i scared myself, i was scared to call a hotline, i was scared to move, go downstairs, speak, after i spent 30 minutes breaking down and begging my parents to take me to a doctor i was done with life and done with trying. This really affected me and shook me up for months, it was the first time in years i had ever thought about doing that, i felt horrible and miserable cause i scared a lot of people that night. 

my mental health is even worse than my physical health all the time, i normally wont talk about it when its bad unless someone asks, i’ve been brushed off so many times by my family i no longer have that confidence i used to. my dad for the longest of time told me my depression didnt exist until my doctor did, he told me i was lying for attention, he told me i didnt have anxiety, i didnt have anything wrong and i needed to shut up and pay attention, push through it and shut up. mental health issues were tabo around my parents for ages, when we got kicked out of our house and moved in with some friends my mental issues really showed through, this was around the time i joined tumblr, my parents would fight constantly and i fled here for safety, it was clear i had something wrong, all of my sibling do as well, my brother has anger issues and doesnt know how to cope with that, he tends to hit things and hit me when angry cause i pissed him off or was in his way, he’s 11 and three times my size. im 16. my sister has anxiety and depression as well, she always drags herself down and fakes a smile to everything, she cant handle being yelled at anymore. we all have faced abuse from my parents, and then moving into a super toxic and worse place for a year made everything worse, my parents stressed and fighting to the point where we would hide and cry cause it was so much. partially through that year i snapped at my best friends dad for being homophobic, racist and sexist, i said a few things and got suspended from my school while there was a sexual predator on the campus after my friends, he was never arrested and he tried to contact me recently because he was bored. i was broken for awhile but going to the magnet school i met some people who helped me. i made a new friend. that place that was toxic we left after they tried framing us for a bed bug issue and tried making us clean the entire house, and the guy who was my dads formal best friend called my mom a few nasty things and called us all lazy and ungrateful. i had a bike stolen during the move and they refused to give it back. we stayed in a hotel for a bit, i became everyones therapist for a few days, my brothers, sisters, moms and even my dads, i couldnt vent to anyone. we moved in with my grandma, my step grandpa turned out to be an abusive asshole and attacked my aunt and almost attacked my mom and grandma one night when we were going to bed, i had both my brother and sister in my room hiding and crying, i was comforting them and telling them the yelling would be over soon. 

my grandma had her ac detroyed, license plate stolen, other stuff stolen from her as well, i was scared to walk to school for a month and had to look at the door at all times. one day he randomly busted through the door and i broke down scared as hell because i was in line of sight and the first person he saw, and was in the same room as him. it took me awhile to recover from that. later on i started failing my classes, i couldnt keep up because my old school wasnt where they were, i was ahead but behind because my motivation slacked and i didnt want to be there, i started getting really sick, i went to try to see my guidance counselor one day because i was ready to break down at everything and i needed to talk to someone and possibly go home, i saw a different one, they recommended a mental health counselor and i start counseling sessions, when i checked out the nurse shamed me for not going to her and checking out. i walked home that day and cried. i started counseling sessions after that, i was still scared to speak about all of these issues, some weeks i didnt see her, others i did, the first day my ela teacher flipper her shit cause i was late that day to her class after i was at a counseling session for part of her class cause i needed to say things and speak. i lost the confidence to talk to me ela teacher after that. she would have issues with the fact that i couldnt speak loudly at times, part of the year she hated the fact that i drew in her class to focus, it took me twice explaining it before she would let me. later on that year she accused me of doing other classwork and make me hold up what i was drawing rather than walking over, i cried the rest of her class and had a panic attack in biology venting to a friend. my parents told me i was being dramatic after breaking down and explaining how my day went. i started to stop speaking up about my issues entirely to them. 

i’ve had issues when i am sick at school, i’ve gotten grounded for going home sick, after i was told i could call home, it was because the nurse said i looked tired, she also had told my dad that he knew me better than she did so she was unsure, he told me in the car i put the family to shame and made him look bad, took away my devices, left for work while i took a nap, i woke up still sick and felt even worse mentally, i forced myself to walk and finish up the rest of the school day. it took my mom yelling at my dad to get my devices back, he guilt tripped me after giving them back and i felt horrible for the weekend. 

my dad started saying i was faking being sick to skip school, keep in mind i have never skipped a day in my life and have always enjoyed going to school, he was just pissed off. my mental health was affecting my physical health, i wasnt able to see my mental health counselor for a month, when i needed to most. 

i started developing and eating disorder again, i started to only eat one meal a day, starve myself for existing, i’ve been fighting it for awhile, it decided to get worse, i am still fighting it. i am at a point where i can handle two meals a day again which is progress. 

when quartinteen started, that ment i was stuck at home, unable to focus on my classes anymore, and my counseling sessions were done in zoom, i wasnt ever in a safe place to openly speak. i tried pushing for therapy, my parents considered and agreed, they tried to figure something out and never got back to it. everything has gotten worse, not only in my head but the world around me...

keep in mind all this, happened in two years. most of the belittling and breaking me down however has gone on for most of my life.

i dont want sympathy, i want to get this off my damn chest, i dont want attention, i was this at hand so when i need to point at something that happened to me i have to reference to while im breaking down. im sorry about all this mess and wasting time typing this out and that right now isnt the time to hear me whine. 

#rainecloud020604 vents #vent post #vent #tw: abuse #tw: eating problems #tw: ed mention #tw: suicide mention #tw: guilt tripping #tw: neglect #tw: panic attack #tw: self harm mention #ask to tag

[arundolyn]

Feel free to hate me for this, but everything for Blazblue. I imagine you rb'd it for a reason?

i rb’d it cause i am Always Salty and it looked interesting tbh

What OTPs in your fandom(s) do you just not get?

taorag cause tao is baby

ragna/rachel cause rachel looks 12 and people are into it sexually + she treats him like garbage and its one sided

kagunoel is creepy

bang/litchi is weird cause bang is not really equipped for that kinda relationship with her esp cause of the stuff with roy and she wouldnt like. get over him that easily

kokonoe/kagura also cause like. “a woman wants to speak to you” “IS SHE HOT” kokonoe: hi kagura: never mind speaks for itself + so does “pay attention to who youre talking to before laying down your game” or whatever to that effect kokonoe says when she beats him even if its noncanon some win quotes are at least vaguely accurate sometimes

kaguhibi is Hm cause a) they might be related and b) hibiki only tolerates kagura

ragjin and ragnu and celirag and ragnoel etc etc etc cause theyre related you nasties

basically mori has a cast of 32+ (excluding mu izayoi and the kids) characters and barely anything is shippable and CERTAINLY not anything m/f cause its either weird or theres no chemistry

Are there any popular fandom OTPs you only BroTP?

makoto/kagura if thats even popular. she doesnt really like him like that anymore like she is Tired of him romantically

Have you ever unfollowed someone over a fandom opinion?

not that i can remember but probably. i dont think ive ever followed any ragjins besides like. one. but if anyone it would be a ragjin

Do you have a NoTP in your fandom? Are they a popular OTP?

ragna/rachel, ragjin, ragnu, and kagunoel are all equally all horrible to me

Has fandom ever ruined a pairing for you?

i dont think so

Has fandom ever made you enjoy a pairing you previously hated?

uhhh i think not. i never really ship much and nobody really convinces me to ship anything. i either am indifferent or dont like it unless i ship it already

Is there anything you used to like but can’t stand now?

how people baby hibiki as if hes not a grown ass man and also an assassin and also reduce ragna purely to anger and being stupid when he’s actually fairly intelligent (ive literally been told i wrote him too smart) and emotionally complex

Have you received anon hate? What about?

MY PALETTES FOR SOME REASON?

Most disliked character(s)? Why?

rachel cause shes just kinda garbage pedobait, plat for the same reason but to a lesser degree cause she at least doesnt say weird ACTUAL BDSM SHIT but i can actually like. tolerate her unlike rachel. nu for ever conceivable reason possible. terumi is just a bastard man im legally obligated to hate him. susan is incredibly overrated

Most disliked arc? Why?

MU BEING SEPARATE FROM NOEL IN CF THAT WAS SO DUMB NOEL LITERALLY JUST ACCEPTED MU AS PART OF HERSELF AND NOW SHES SCARED OF THE POWER SHE JUST RECLAIMED TO PROTECT HER FRIENDS? FUCK OUTTA HERE WITH THAT. also everyone losing their memories in the embryo to cause unnecessary conflict AND everyone wanting to kill noel to cause even more unnecessary conflict cause mori obviously wouldnt let his fuckin waifu die so the tension is dead from the start

Is there an unpopular character you like that the fandom doesn’t? Why?

people tend to think celica and noel are really annoying i guess and like. idk i like them

Is there an unpopular arc that you like that the fandom doesn’t? Why?

fsr people hate celica being the sister that raised ragna and co but like. it doesnt bother me. i dont care about celirag. its weird to me cause thats his mom and nobodys gonna change my opinion on that tbh

Unpopular opinion about XXX character?

plat and mu could really wear more clothes honestly

Unpopular opinion about your fandom?

it is GARBAGE. at least the eng fandom is. i know this opinion is shared by my friends but like. im sure it isnt by the freakos who draw porn of rachel so like. yeah

Unpopular opinion about the manga/show?

translate your fucking novels mori and also the anime sucks

If you could change anything in the show, what would you change?

i know this is like. not made for games but in the anime id change that weird scene that totally deviates from canon where ragna agrees to destroy everything with nu or whatever? garbage. id also change nu being alive in cf cause she doesnt need to be and it wouldnt affect ragnas lifelink cause they didnt die at the same time so shed just be in the boundary cause like. im sure he’s almost died before when he was fighting and she wasnt smelted yet PLUS people keep pulling her soul out of the boundary like its nothing so. yeah. also the scene where ragna goes black beast for no reason just so the embryo has a purpose. i would change a lot

Instead of XYZ happening, I would have made ABC happen…

instead of brotherly paradise getting TWO EXTENSIONS id extend the gag reel where kokonoe and relius bodyswap people instead of ragna deciding to save nu which makes little sense i would simply make him agree with hakumen and let him beat her to death. rip to mori and his waifus but im different

Does not shipping something ‘popular’ mean you’re in denial and/or biased?

not necessarily some ships just fuckin suck lmao

What is the one thing you hate most about your fandom?

the fixation on the female anatomy in the game and fandom is so tiring. esp transphobic jokes about mai

What is the purest ship in the fandom?

tsubaki/noel/makoto tbh

What are your thoughts on crack ships?

i jokingly brought up kagura/mustang fma so like. fuckin go for it its all in good fun

Popular character you hate?

SUSAN

Unpopular character you love?

kagura.....................

Would you recommend XXX to a friend? Why or why not?

yes because im fixated on it but no because its a mess u feel

How would you end XXX/Would you change the ending of XXX?

RAGNA DOESN’T DIE AND NU DOESN’T LIVE

Most shippable character?

kagura is the bi-est. makoto is a close second i think

Least shippable character?

rachel looks 12 and people want her to fuck. kokorach is the only valid ship cause theyre both old and tired of everyone so they can bitch about everyone together

#man i am salty. #broken clover #ouija board

[lostinathoughtonceagain]

Im not sure where to start although i feel like i alwyas start with that.My mom says i seem to be doing  alot better and inn truth i am. I feel more myself and joyous and mre personality, and than theres still an emptiness that creeps in. The sort of weird shame feeling i used to get in mornings or without a shirt on, i got it today after grabbing clothes from my moms. maybe this is just a personal issue but im trying not to isolate myself in my emotions. TI appreicate and find it hard to understand the idea of common humanity. It is true humans all epereince these emotions and it is only to ones disadvantage when we tell ourselves were the only ones who have ever felt these emotions. In truth we are the only ones who experience things given we all have different perspectives, childhoods, personalities, and biology of our brains.. yet i think that an important to try to find the common humanity. empathy, relating to one another. we are more alike than we are different. YOu know when your on the freeway and you wonder where are all these people going. Myabe some are picking up there kids, going to a booty call, stopping to grab bananas at the store, and we wont ever know, everyone is all doing there own thing, eveyone is jsut driving just going to work doing things and im wo dering if anyone else is freaked out about what is happening. Why the hell are we here?n why iseveryone not freaking out with the little time we have, i want to make the most out of what is happeing i dont want to waste any more time not being  where i want to be, i wanted to be skinny so i can go on with my life. But i geuess thats alos the point of life. ive been so worried about living that i havnt actually been living. Im failing at an attempt to handle my shit. I look back on the past and how come i can only think, mostly think of the bad things. The relationships that i shouldve ended sooner cuz i didnt really lvoe them as i thought love would be. THey were all merely a disspointment. That sounds rude but to put it this way i alwyas thought there was something better for me. MY parents used to say at times “its never enough for you katie” maybe that is true. maybe im never satisidef. Maybe it was because they were tired and had tried there best and i failed because my needs wernt meant. not that they were needs. I think back to guys ive hooked up with and wish i had higher standards. why did i find satisfaction in attention from people that didnt even care about me. WHen guys used me and i was glad to let them. Especailly when i had previous ly had crsushes on them. FUCK BOYS WITH J names. i dont know why im writing as if im writing a story. maybe it makes it easier maybeim trying to articulate my thoughts into something there not. I think about things that have happened and hope i can maybe use them as a testimony maybe ill meet the love of my life adn get to share all these stories... but i dont things play out like that and thats a weird perspective to have on things thsat occur. Like as if im a narrator. I would get so ecited to send cute pictures of myself when i was  baby and show my boyfriends, or share things with them but then i realized something. they dont care, well definlty not like me. That ecitement about it is not the same as the one im epereiecning and when i was sent baby pictures of them, i didnt feel that warmth in my heart. maybe that makes me a bitch or emotionally disconnected. but how do i know if im feelin. what connections have i made. I used to want to be under the influence and gina my therapist said that people go to substances to feel connection. When i was on coke, life was beautiful i could talk to anyoe and everyone adn words flowed so well. In my head, looking back i probably looked like a crack head and thats the reality of it. I can manipulate my reality but to what is its value if its a lie. if no one else feels or sees what im seeing. ona  nother thought  i think we can make up these sotries in our heads that arnt even true. like somone tells us something or we feel a certain way about ourself so and it ends upso our whole olives our affected by this painting in our head only to find out no one sees what were seeing. my dad said that we can change the past, welll we can change our past by changing how we look at it. and i think if we could grasp it it would change our lives. I think that i could look back and not feel that shame, or not feel that embarressment. But am i not a sum of all the words thoughts and actions ive done or had uot o this point? thats depressing, but if it were something i was proud of then yes i would like to be. but the truth is all wehave is the now and you can start now being a totally different person, but you cant run away from all the consequences of the past i guess they jsut dont matter if you decide to change. but then what about bridges burned. i guess my plan b ina  sense is to run away to another country. but then theres legal issues and this whole system and ates and bad guys and tso m8uch to worry about that i dont feela  sense of freedom. my information is online and under a sytem and i undertsadn why i just wish everything could be quiet for sa sec. mayeb i dont want to be aktie stowers anymore. I get jealos of girls born and raised pretyy. all ive done is starved myself in the process of becoming what i want to be but thats not even me. if i have to starve to et there then i feel as though i dont actuallyl deserve to be skinny. and i fee l so vain for obsessing over this fucking thought. iw anted to be skinny this is what ive said from the beginging can someoine please help me do it. the probelm is that im in treatment for anoreica sub purge type and the reality is that i cant lose weight withought going to etreme measures. it became the most important thing in my life and ive been strung up on the same thought since fucking march of 2018. talk about time wasted. although i know thats no way of looking at it. ive learned lessons and have ad so many beautiufl things happpen. I get told very kind things about myself. i wonder if im actually a kind person or i only do things simply to be a kind person. if eel kinda selfish but i guess we all are. i mean think about how amny bad things are happening in this world and children starving and here i am buying things i dont need anf focuing on myself. but im not doing anything about it. i mean i try to tip etra give to homless ifi can i just feel guilt because i could be doing more but ijalso know that im not responsibly to save the world. jsut seems wrong the way things are. thats why i believe everyone goes to heaven. maybe because i cant wrap my head around the possily fact that barrett wouldnt and also becasue the idea of eternal damnation dosnt seem like the character of a god i want to serve. i see so much bullshit in the church and i just dont know . am i jsut angry. I became so jdugemntal of those judging me and thats just as worse but when theres almost a cluba nd you dont fit into there critera it fucking hutts. and that dosnt feel liek jesus i think jesus wouldnt let us be seperated by rleigion or if you drank last weekend. I think we should all unite and love each other and thats what reallly matters. yet here i am obsessed over being skinny. im down to 4 hour as of yesterday and i feel so much better i do. i just wish i could have one long 2 day therapy session whre i fucking figure out all my shit. ive gone to so much therapy and its been etremly helpful i jsut dont wanna waste anymore time with this baggage. I dont wanna go a minute longer when i could giure all this out. i guess what im saying is i want my life tp be an open canvas and not be unravveling and my childhood issues poopping up.. i want to go into the fututre knowing what i know adn epeireicning my life as it plays out. but i am 18 ishouldnt be thinking this much into things huh i should just let it be and lvie my life. i should be doung homework an teting my frienfds or going on a date. but thats not ther eality of things and alos i think ill look abck and things will be different. IOm also int reatment rn so oviously my situation is not exactly normal. i really do love to write i used to always want to be an author. but i dont kno0w anymore. i jsut dont really like how the sytem works i hate how we all have to go to college amd study things i dont give a fuck about and then some struggle at there 9-5 to merely surve eand ig uess i dont like the thoughr of that. and i know were suppsoed to find joys in the little things i think things are jsut freaking me out. iw ant to quit smoking nicatine but everyday i go out and do it. ig uess that meanns i dont really want to stop because if i did i would. i  and then i feel slightly guilty and opackiy because his is the only boduy im given. like does that not freak everyone out. this is the only way we are able to eperience life. think about how quickly it can be ended. i think that is too much pwier overmyself. nmot that im suicidal but i do think i hgave the power to find out super son what is after this life. judgment day, pure nothingness, maybe ill become a=one of the many ants i ahev enjoyed killed as a punsihemtn for msyelf. or hoe[fully and maybe ill entire a heaven with a lovuing god. a state of being with loved ones. I think thats why people like the idea of heavn the idea that you will see people later. but that discount the factof pain. when someones child dies they dont feel any less pain because a verse about being reunited with the,. because the truht im scared to tyee is that theres a possibility heaven isnt rela. and the loved one that is lost will never be in your reaach again.i feel sad for how ome peoples lifeves go. i hope they get a chance in the after life to have what they wanted. but then i think abotu abd guys. i wouldnt want them in my heaven. i guess maybe who we all our at our core is who would be in heaven beyond all the nasty. yet i dont believ flesh is nasty and i dont believ trying my whole life to not be something i was made to be. if my flesh is evil adn mankind is doomed what the fuck is that. i dont think god would set us upnto fail and i believ ehe understands we are human. and gpd is god and god knew everything that was going to happen up to npw. u know whats crazy is that on the time line we are on the edge of what is to come. being aluive rn. and its crazy that i wont be here in 100 years. ill be merely history. but rn we are whats happneing 7:12 november 11th. we are up to datebecause we are merely aliver. unless there is different universes and this is m,erely a simulation. but besides the point. barrett was talking about just how many books songs and information there is. that makes me pancik there is so many people so many things i could learn and musici could listen to that no one can listen to it all. maybe theresa song out there that is my favorite son that ill never get to lsiten to but i gues si jsut have to trust that the universe ligns up as it should and my life will happen as it should. and alll these things are happneing and were floating in the middle of space and yet i feel like people arnt freaking out. like what hthe actual fuck is happneing. and why do iu want to soedn my one life doing shit that dosn matter or something i dont even love. but thats how life works because you have to have moneya nd i do love bying things. and i jsut need to relax. because when people look back on there past they think if i could only tell msyelf its going to be okaya nd to have fun. why cant i do taht i mean i can but tehn these thughts come in. iwant to be skinny i also love food. starving was easy and i like d seeing my bones show,. i wanted people to see me and know i was hurting but people dont wanna be sround sa dpeople i guess i just wanted o be rescued. and at the same time it was nice to focus on the thingsd because even if all went ot hell if i restricted enought hat was okay my eating idsorder would tell me that  everything was going to be okay because i was taking care of the one thing i actaully wanted. writing this makes me sound crazy to msyelf. i have so many things i want to larn and do and so having an eating disorder makes me feel limated. amd truly it does limit me. it dosnt allow me to worry and think about these tihngs. i just really want to be skinnya dn i dont know where this started or why its so impiortant but i just am not a fann of my boyd. and i know tis terirble because im more than m y body and i know i cant stave mtyself and i know that this makes me self cenetred i know that it didnt pkay out as the damsel in distress that i wanted i know wthat i pushed loved ones away and made desisions taht really arnt alligned with my values because truly i didnt care i just wanted to get skinny i know i didnt look healthy bu in my mind that s the best ive eever looked. i know that the husband i meet is going to lvoe me for whats beond my appreance so it dosnt matter and getting atention from others isnt satisying and only leaves me feeling empty i knwo lifes to short to count your calories, to walk around feeling fraila nd loung every seconds. to reach 109 and not see a body close to what was at 116. to talk about numbers because they w]makr improtant parts of my life adn to allso swear that i dont care that much about the numbers. i care about the look. but if what they say is true and i ahve body dismprhia thats impossible. they say the eating idpsrder says itll never be enough. it will nevr be satisiuded. “ its never enough katie” never enough

and so maybe its me maybe im just this warped person. why do memories come back so weird and hwy did i have su h weird thoughts a s f\child. why do i get filled with so much rage. somtiems i think im the most grogeous girl and others i want to killmsyelf because i fel worthless. imm not suicdial but i can remeberthe first time i thought about killing kmyself i was in the abck seat of the car my brothers wre all teasing me about soething but for whatecer reason i was upset by it. i remebr crying and thinking how bad thye would feel if i killed myself. i carried this idealation iwht me later on. gina says i used this as a coping skill.w whenevr someone was mean, didnt say the right thing, didnt invite me, or a aprent said something hurtful. o thouhgt about it as if i were a ghost. watching how sad they were that they had not done better with me. that they said those angry words last to me instead of teeling me uhow much they lvoed me. that when they gossiped ghey felt so bad after because i was dead. i sometimes wish i could watch this unfold. but thats demented and evil. my ghost smiling with satifdaction as she watches loved one who id love and people who were simply lvingnthere life be affected by this. what good would it do to me or them. it would ruin them, does thaa amke mf evil. and then i realzie thats not how death wokrs. ill go to  wahtevr is after this.a dm why would i waste my eistence on a disguestingnromantizsm of revenge.  shpuld move on better msyelf and make connections and share with my lovedones hwen theyve hurt me or that i need more love.  i love treamnt. i love the lif3 im having. besids hating my body i love doing art and larning life skills and if eel like pooeple love me for me there and i can really be myself and support others. but i cant live my life in treatment. i want to relapse theres a few pros to this. one i get skinny againa dn can take pcitures while im skinnya dn try to do it a healthier way. 2 i can jsut go back to treatment and 3 thats a big fuck you to insuracne and theyll realize i coudlve used more help. my ancupucture lady said i need to let people help me adn its tru. i can read boooks hae copnversations go toa therapist but what goofd does it do if its not evn sticking with me. if i dont allow it to change me. im so stuck in that i want to be skinny. but im also tired of haojng my body, the thought about being okay iwht my body is sad to. ill jsut be ugly and not care? amd i wont be ablr to beas beautiful as i want to be. the law of attraction streases me out to because what if everytihng im writing is manif3sting as we speak. hut io cant just iugnore all thse thoughts. its good to journl ane write. i smoked the other night and told susan and brooke but lied to my treatment team. but honestly i was anxious the whole time and outside of playing with myself and dougna  trippy spiritaul mediaiton itwasnt the best time. it ,made me realize i enjoy beig sober bcecause i can do lall the things i want to do and not be stupid and i can be mindful. but then i feel a little desperate at the idea of not having anys ubstances. i sjsut need to create a good ralit y formyself. also i just don tfeel like im the little blon girl in my baby photos like me and her arnt \even the same person but i am i am her in 18 year old form. i jsut dont even know who i am or whats happening. iw ant to chilla dn i need to find balance. maybe this is because my brain has more room oto think about thoings. it kinda hurts me that my mom dsont know that much about eating disorders but yet she says she knows how bad these thionhd can get. likes he can talk so much about me needing help and this and that and yet she hasnt veen taken the tiem to udnerstand what it is im goi g throug. but i shoudlnt epect her to i dont evn knkw what is happneing. cons of relasping is more time wwasting life farther form my hoal. what is my goal all i can think abou t is working on my body bye cercising and eating healthy after treatment. iu dont underdstand why people dopnt think this is a huge thing for me. it makes it so i cant wear what. im so tired of caring. i want to get out of my head. but reality is i am katie and i have to deal wiht whats going on it dosnt do any good whining about it. another con is that my family would be disapinted. im kinda scared i ahev cancer ir im going ot die and jus stop breatinh. its probaly jsut anxiety . nbut i think about the drugs ive done and all that ive smoked and when ive starved and i wonder if im jsut shutting gdown. but i guess were all shutting down. but you cant tell kids these tihngs they dont care and they wouldnt undertsnad. i guess im jsut freaking out at my very eistence. im also very thankful to ebe alive. the fact were all ehsiting rn is crazy i think everything happens for a reason and theres a beautiful lessona nd “work of art called love” desinged by the creator. i ksut dpnt think itds what people think its actaully is. julian is just dsigusing why was i ever ino him. but i cant stop 16 year old me by being into him. but he really wasa dick adn oi dont think hes aw the value in me. my idea of him thinking that was because hesa  lot uglier than me or the line in fredys song where he says “ why would a girl like you fall for a guy like me” and he saud thatr eminded him of us i thought that was so sweet. MO that dosnt mean he values me. why was i so okay with accepting bullshit.a nd nathan. i really liked nathan we were bestfriends. but i got really cazy jealous. i was supposed to eat2 and ahalf hours ago and im not rally hungry. hence my hunger ques are off. i lost 4 lbs over the weekedn and im on weight restoration i was given till friday before i have tonadd even more additions because im not supposed to be lsoing weight. but i dint feel sad baout it. i felt eciteed i guess my bodys ina  place where it can lsoe weight easily. i feel like i should take advantage of it. is this litterally the eating disorder tuyping as we speak am i poseed. it is katie stowers. i guess thats what an eating idorder does. i think i ought to steer clear of caffense and weed. make things a little less harde.r and truly i shuld try to quit nicatine. ots just so nice to do but i think i ought to just not do it. i think idts a porblem because i can already mpciture me going outside after break and smoking. “evntually ill quit shes aid” when i quoted julien baker in her song ahppy to be hee to esther it says “ i miss you the way that i miss nicatine” she waled away after. felt a little judged honeslt and i dont think it was cuz of me but i am better than to smoke nicatine. i think im gonna not do it tomorow. adn if i succeed well see about friday. but it is a hbit i shoudl break. but anyways theres a lot to worry about and be ecited about to and im having a hard time manging it all. and i opuld go on times ten of whats been happneing in my brain ina  therap y session but it dosnt happne.

[laststops-blog]

misconception: leon is nothing but a joke character. he deserved to die.

misconceptions.

             thanks i hate it! now, i won’t deny that leon isn’t the most serious character in the game, and because of The Way He Is, he’s funny (intentionally or not)! i get that! he tells jokes in universe and says dumb stuff that can be taken as a joke! however! he’s got so much depth to him if you’d only bother to actually look. you don’t even have to look that deep, either -- there are hints to his depth in his free time events, for heaven’s sake. 

take his first one, for example -- yes, he’s big annoying, but he literally lays out his heart for us right then and there: he’s tired of playing baseball -- HATES it, even -- tired of being what everyone thinks he should be, tired of playing into this ‘prodigy’ angle that everyone shoves on him, that he’s like... determined to reinvent himself entirely? look at this moment in which he’s entirely genuine with someone he’s known for two minutes 

leon wants to TALK! why is he spilling this to someone he’s only just met!! this is his first hint to being more than the abrasive and nasty fuckboy that we see him as in the actual game proper and it carries over into his second free time event... ‘i’m not even afraid anymore, i’m just pissed off’. there we go!! afraid!! he’s not above admitting this to naegi or anyone for that matter!! i love him i’m trying to make a point here but i’m too overwhelmed with how much i love him i want to die

i hate leon and he says all this stuff about girls and sex and etc etc but you have to understand that he tells us -- naegi -- that his first priority is to be cool. he’s talking to some guy he doesn’t know the ins and outs of yet and wants to appear as this dumb ‘alpha male’ -- he’s spent his entire life around jock types, nasty locker-room-talk boys, and he’s emulating that ‘cool’ behaviour so naegi will respect him and maybe even be intimidated by him, just like he’s felt about adult/male figures all his life!!!!!

im literally not even answering the question at this point im just crying about leon im so sorry i just love him so much he is trying so hard in all the wrong ways!!! dont get me started on his school mode PLEASE i’d need a whole new ask like... i GET ignoring leon’s school mode bc it’s not in the game’s canon but it’s ALL THERE IN THE FREE TIME EVENTS

and as for ‘he deserved to die’? PERISH. he was attacked by someone he put his trust into -- someone he wouldn’t have suspected to hurt him in a million years, however dumb his trust in her was -- and he defended himself in the only way he could think of in the heat of the moment!! he’s not a fucking genius nor is he a calm person (he panics and freaks out a lot i get that) and when he figured out he’d hurt her and how scared she was he tried to get to her and help her and it all went south from there!! sayaka didn’t deserve to die either but geez leon was played so hard!!!

#truthuncovered #im SO bad at these bc i CANNOT answer the question i have been asked / address the statement ive been given #kuwata. / one thousand fungoes. #I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!!!! GEEZ #i kept getting overwhelmed i like. cant make the points i want to bc i kept getting emotional

[inenaffable]

*hungry tummy noises*

they read it and they ask me "what the fuck is wrong with you" and i just can cry and laugh a little bit cause its funny, you know? its funny when no one else exists besides you and you still cant do anything. youre so stupid, you know that, you know that? you cant do anything because youre caged inside yourself so you create fantasies to pretend your life is interesting and youre not a hollow of a person, a carbon copy of whoever is the closest, unable to survive without a partner, a disgusting parasyte. god, youre not even good enough to ruin people, to mark them in any way possible. you just bore them, then your thrashed to the side. its not even dramatic enough to be written about, its just logical. youre so bad at being anything, its pathetic. you cant be good, great, you cant be filthy, despairful, youre nothing, notghin nothign nothing notghin nogthing nothing nothgin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no one can hate you if no one gives a fuck about you and you know that you know that the only one who hates yourself is you and you are the only fucking reason to all your problems because theyre all in your head and theyre fake, fucking fake, fake fake fake fake fake because you cant entertain yourself on your fucking life because everyone leaves you when they realize you are just a shell a copy a parasyte that sucks and sucks and sucks and doesnt give a fuck and is locked inside their own head and blames people for the crazy things your dumb fucking brain created fuck fuck fuck fuck

no one asks you what the fuck is wrong with you because no one cares, and everyone knows those things are only in your head, because you tell them, and you know, you fucking know, and thats the worst part of it

i dont know how to be a human being , even when imbeing the most disgusting one that exists - but im not, because its all in your head and youve never done anything

im perfect, its incredible, its amazing, really, you should look at me,look at me

i do bad things and dont feel guilty for them, i guilty myself  for things that arent bad, and then i blame people for my own judgement, but i dontknow how to live outside of this

its scary, scary, scary, scary, scary, scary,scary,scary so so scary outside of here, dont let me go, dont let me go, youre gona go back all over again

except you cant go back to something that never even existed

what am i going to tell my therapist tomorrow? lies, lies, unconscious lies that im very aware of, all over again, excuses after excuses

why dont you just fuck me, tell me, why? i dont have to think, i dont want to think,  im spending so much time alone and yet im doing absolutely nothign, im disgusting

but im perfect, so perfect, how can anyone ever hate me? everyone loves me, right? you love me, right? hey, are you reading this? hey, hey, wont you just fuck me? wont you make me forget i have a mind of my own? 

im so disgusting, how can you love me? you like it, dont you? how im so very fake, how i cant take no’s, how im just barely nothing but annoyment when striped down. what, what? you want to see me strip? silly, silly, if i do that, then youd want to go away. its just too bad i cant control myself, right? i just want to be seen oh so badly. 

theres no liquor in this house and i hate it, i hate it how i could just ask for it, but i wont, and ill still hate that theres none. thats me, thats me for you. dont you like it, love it? dont you just want to fuck me now?

i dont need to pretend in front of you, if you dont like it, just leave, im tired of you. i can say fuck and i can act like everything i do is coated with so much honey  its nauseating, annoying, because thats who i am. lousy, annoying, nasty, spoiled, a horrible liar and so much more. but im nothing you guys like, im nothing i like, so ill wear baggy clothing even though i want to show my tits to everyone. my room is just too hot. i must not forget, nobody cares about me, nobody remembers me, no one will come back for me, so i can tear it up. i can say fuck and i can lick every single inch of my mirror and i can be whatever i want to be, because, because-

she said i love myself, i said i loved myself, and thats why. but maybe that was a lie. see, how havent you seen through that? i actually hate myself. oh, i do, so very much. its funny. dont you find it funny? tell me, tell me you laughed, tell me you could tell from the start, and that its okay, that ill learn to love myself at somepoint. i want to have sex with so many people because i hate myself and i dont want to think

hey, look at me, arent i ugly? arent i destroying myself? say, dont you think no one will never apreciate me again?

i dont know if what im preteding is to believe or to doubt. do i love it, do i hate it? its so tangled, its funny. i cant remember what came first. does it really even matters?

im so very hungry. i want to drink and let people touch me and touch them back, i want to feel whole. dont you just want to fuck me? im perfect, see? i promise, i promise, you wont regret it! come, come, just fuck me already.

imagine it,, imagine me, miserably sitting down in my bed, sweating, hungry, and writing all this jumbled mess on my dumb little notebook, typing on this double keyboard, listening to dumb little rain sounds on my dumb little one-sided earphone cause im too scared of the silence but cant listen to music cause my brain is just dumb dumb dumb and cant concentrate on more than one dumb little thing at a time

im so hungry, and its not even a metaphor anymore

im not doing it on purpose, i promise, i could eat so so much but theres just nothing  to eat and most of the things are just icky

i could eat a whole hamburger if i could go out

dad, please, buy me a hamburger, please, please, im so hungry, wont you just buy me one

hey, dont you want to buy me things too? that would be nice, so very nice of you. say, give me your money, wont you? i could buy so much with it! i need it, i need you

fuck, fuck, tell me, how am i supposed to sleep now?

i sometimes wonder if i should take pills for it, but that would probably be a bad idea

i dont need any of it, and starting it would probably get me into something worse

think, wouldnt it be cool if i could stay up till 4am?

but i cant, and i need to sleep

wont you kiss me goodnight?

pretty, pretty please?

ah! thank you! thank you so much! i love you, i love you, i love you!

#en #babling #safe

[bloojayoolie]

Advice, Anaconda, and Ass: Time to get a mental health care plan and help What suburb are you in mate Is there any free house cleaning services? Cyou need help bud. Go to your GP and get a Due to my back and the stress I am going through my house has become so The NDIS were the ones and I need help badly. I over and over so l Im my money badly I can't pay someone to come out here and do it next week So I need options badly... and I mean badly cause Im tired of my house up cory that has been the case for you. You profile? You had no right need help. can try another agency to provide the services if your not happy. There must be a goveming body to report the agency passed away last year but it never happened and now because of me l've can get. Anyone who doesn't mind a very messy house and smell 50-755 on tuesday? It's not much but I'm very desperate i also did and agree with And Im so scared now. I will take any sort of helpI They do thatl Im a dew. Get her to email them See a doctor. Commit to it and you can get what you want. It one last time. And then the local member Thanks. . Also don't ask me to take pictures the house is too messy and I'm NDIS are the ones who "pay the Are you stl need help? If yes please pnm If the client doesnt have funds-they wont get cover from an 91 already offered he wont accept Im a cleaner and i have never heard of a free Iif you're legitimate, you would qualify for help through So sorry you are mentioned she passed away last year and you say that? Nah uck you t gets easier for you! I cant offer any assistance but I can however offer kindness and I hope this helps some. Best wishes urely you can spare mate, I think it might be a good start to call beyond blue or a crisis hotline just to talk to someone. From the looks this is about more than a messy house. There are people around who care but you won't find them on Facebook. Best wishes. Take care where are you my own. Like I said above I was supposed to have had help with living on my own and it never happened so yeah m screwed and have no clue what to do. Website: https:ww.lifeline.org.au you if you tell me where you are i ahve to work next 2 days i could give you now after to be an asS 2h swear l see you every week asking for free stuff if you are as bad as you claim you would be getting dsp which is 900 a rude gestures best of luck i bried I hope s tuck me this must be a joke surely you find a nice big rope and put your neck into it and do the f you are injured you can go to your doctor and ask the right steps to take to receive help like you are asking for You will need a letter from your doctor to provide to centrelink with details of your injury and if they il have their own doctor look intoit as well If they think your injury is stopping your or much pain then they will put a plan into affect something like maybe an hours clean once a week or maybe 2 1/2 hour's once a fortnight wow this got nasty to0 being reported. That is NOT the way to get help and there are people who actually DO this everyday. It is NOT ok to tel someone to do that and I seriously hope you find some help Contact your local council and speak to your Doctor to Hif stil need some help depending orn Wow how rude are some of you.. and I'm sorry about for you Until that comment Too many video games and they can It's time to get yourself to a docior so you can get some therapy and a once off house painting wouldnt go astray either Let me know who would like to help. True I have seen this guy before asking or ou must be his friend your life out Get a job. Fix yourselfI laziness as an excuse not to get things done. Why should we clean your house for tree. wHat you SAID to him was WAY BEYOND what he said to you Jake. That is NOT ok, and NO it is NOT ok to say that no mater what he said to you. Do unto others what you want done to you, would you want someone teling you to do that? I think not. You need to have a cool down and THINK before you type anymore Either way i am reporting Admin So not necessary you may be eligible for help in the home, check wit be paid. Even for them to clean tour whole house is likely to be under $100. Sounds like you need help though .there are general services you can call like Lifeline or Sane who can tell you where to go next for help untl he commented. I had no issues until what he said d forbid people have disabilities jesus tucking christ hope none of you get injuries and need to rely on others e was told to call his mummy 2h and advice. It doesn t take much to be kind. Yes he is asking a lot and no I wouldn't do it. But he clearly needs help not taken the piss all have problems. God helps those who him don't worry about it. Probably gets off on comments liie ou up for a someday you suter the Borry to hear..call the council and see if they because they very well MAY DO IT and YOUR ass will be on s you that much just ignore it ine it against the LAW to tel someone to go off Also if you don t have basic living skills you may want avent you got any friends to help and you need a better attitude Try joining& posting in this group. They trade items for house as he sounds very aggressive and unstable leave it to eed the better attitude when he just told didnt insult my dead mother and I won't say nothing how does tha sound? ril let him run his mouth about her He can even take u can get help if u genuinely need it it sounds lke from what u said u havent had much luck with ndis in the past My son has a disability and has had success with ndis but we had reports from psychologists and many her if that's how you like it plan and get some reports. Once u have those reports turn up to then ndis office with the reports and ask nicely if they can please is that all you took from tnis post? Not that there is an exdtremely unwell person begging to have l also see a with very away, youre just a troll Unless of course, you're planning nasty responses of hoping they commit suicide that is online bullying and 100% not ok I understand u t not n a good place right now but please don't attack others and take the help that is offlered and use told that by an ex that hit a nerve. That comment was not There are ways to tell people to stop than telling them to kill themselvesThere are A LOT o people who feel for you and want to help you. You need to You were looking for free food last week No ones matter what they said. He should not have said what he did I agree but what YOU SAID was worse someone besides people who your getting cut at on a Facebook buy swap and sell page. You start abusing people when you dont get what you want its no wonder youre being called out njesus take the help mate rf you still have the cats then 100% you need the helpm is no worse than the other

#funny #lol #humor #memes #meme #memehumor #dank memes #funny pics #rolf #lmao #Advice #Anaconda #and

[aussiekaylor-blog]

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1 - How are you? Pre shit. i hate fighting with you2 - Post a picture of yourself. i will later3 - Do you ever wish you were someone else? yes4 - What is your entire name? Abby Elsie Joy Willett5 - How old are you? 216 - Age you get mistaken for: 167 - Your zodiac/horoscope and if you think it fits your personality: yes8 - What did you do on your last birthday? nothing9 - What is one thing you would like to accomplish before your next birthday? staying alive10 - What is your hair color? blonde11 - Have you ever dyed your hair? yes 12 - What is your eye color? blue13 - If you could change your eye color, would you? yes14 - Do you wear contacts/glasses? yes15 - Your opinion about your body and how confortable you are with it: i hate it16 - Have you ever considered plastic surgery? What would you alter about your body? no17 - Say 8 facts about your body: 1-8 i hate it18 - Do you have any tattoos? yes 419 - Do you have any piercings? yes20 - Left or right handed? right21 - What’s your sexual orientation? Bi22 - Do you drink? no not anymore23 - Do you smoke?no24 - Do you have any pets? not anymore25 - Where do you work? i dont coz im lazy26 - Something you are working on right now: getting though this27 - Do you have any “rules” about food? no gluten28 - Where are you from? Australia29 - What would you say is your best quality? eyes30 - What do you think you’re really good at? sport31 - What do you think you’re really bad at? relationships32 - What talent do you wish you’d been born with? able to sing33 - Are you a bad person? yes34 - Are you nice to everyone? i hope so35 - Say 3 facts about your personality: um idk36 - Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you? yes37 - What is your ideal bed? Why? a king size bed so i can lay this little body across it38 - Do wake up cranky? yes39 - Do you sleep with a stuffed toy? yes if i had one with me40 - What do you think about the most? you41 - Share 2 habits: sticking my tongue out while trying to do things and pinching my self42 - What you want to be when you “get older”? a mother43 - What are your career goals? anything that get money44 - What is your ideal career? army45 - Is your life anything like it was two years ago? yes and i hate it46 - Do you replay things that have happened in your head? yes47 - Have you ever had an imaginary friend? yes48 - Say 10 facts about your room: i hate the wall paper, massive bed, tv, to close to the toilet, smells like my older brother, the wall paper has ships on it, wooden floors, its small, no fan49 - Do you have any phobias? spiders and snakes50 - Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist? yes51 - Are you allergic to anything? If so, what? no52 - Ever broken any bones? yes53 - Ever come close to death? yes54 - Things you like and dislike about yourself: things i like: my hair and eyes and freckles. things i hate everything else55 - A random fact about yourself: im 5ft56 - What are three things most people don’t know about you? bad temper, used to drink heaps and used to smoke57 - An unknown fact about your life: its shit58 - Share something about yourself others might think is weird: i have a chipped tooth59 - Five weird things that you like: 1. i like fireworks 2. i like fire 3 i like beaches that have rocks 4. i like cliffs 5. i like buildings60 - Do you have a facebook? If so, would you add the person who sent you this?yes i have facebook and yes ive already added you61 - Do you have any pictures on your Facebook? yes62 - Describe yourself in one word/sentence: im small but fast63 - A quote you try to live by: “To me, Fearless is not the absense of fear. It's not being completely unafraid. To me, Fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, Fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death.” - Taylor Swift64 - A famous person you’ve been compared to: no65 - Weird things you do when you’re alone: um watch avatar: the last airbender66 - Something you do without realising: um swear67 - 5 things you want to change: 1 - 5 my body68 - Someone you’d like to be for a day and why: yes Taylor swift so i can buy my mum a house69 - Leave me a compliment: your beautiful and 69 hahahaFavourites70 - What is your favorite thing to do? sleep71 - What’s your favorite color? purple72 - What’s your favorite band/singer? taylor swift73 - What’s your favorite movie? harry potter movies74 - What are your favorite books? harry potter books75 - What is your favorite quote and why? “To me, Fearless is not the absense of fear. It's not being completely unafraid. To me, Fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, Fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death.” - taylor swiftbecause it helps me with a lot of things76 - What is your favorite word? fuck77 - What is your least favorite word? c*nt78 - What is your favorite type of food? pasta79 - You favorite ice cream? chocolate80 - What’s your favorite animal? tiger81 - Dogs or cats? both82 - Describe your favourite texture: food83 - What is your favorite flower? white rose84 - What’s your favourite scent? Vanilla And on the opposite sex? a nice smoky smell like from a fire85 - What is your favorite season? winter86 - What are the top five places you wish you could go before you die? nashville, la, paris, italy, england 87 - What are four things you can’t live without and why? phone facebook tumblr girlfriend. 88 - Which mythological creature are you most like? Why? um a unicorn89 - What’s your favorite television show? wentworth90 - Favorite place to shop at? kmart91 - Say 2 facts about your favorite things: um idkFamily, childhood and places92 - Say 4 facts about your parents:1 my mum is the best 2. i hate my dad 3. im greatful for them 4. i love them93 - Are you more like your mom or your dad? mum94 - Do you have any siblings? 295 - Say 9 facts about your family: 1. i love them. 2 i miss them and i dont have any more96 - What’s your relationship like with your family? um pre shit97 - Say 7 facts about your childhood: no thanks 98 - The best and the worst childhood memories: nan passing away99 - Say 6 facts about your home town: 1its small 2has steam boats 3has a river 4family lives there 5best food 6feels like home 100 - Are you going out of town soon? idk101 - Where would you like to live? anywhere with my girl102 - What would your dream house be like? um its hard to describe103 - Where would you go on your dream vacation? anywhere with my girl104 - Where you want to be right now? in my girls bed105 - Top three places to visit: 1my nans 2the beach 3sport games *************************************************Friends106 - Would you ever smile at a stranger? no107 - Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys? boys108 - Who is someone you never tire of? my girl109 - Do you have someone you can be your complete self around? yes110 - Who is your most loyal friend? um111 - Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? yes112 - If your best friend died, what would you do? idk 113 - Something you’ve lied about. not saying114 - Have you ever felt replaced? yes all the time115 - Say 5 facts about your bestfriend(s): 1 his so nice 2. i love him 3. he has the best hugs 5. biggest heart Relationships116 - The last person you hugged? my mum117 - Story of your first kiss? um i dont remember118 - Do you like kissing in public? no119 - Have you ever kissed someone older than you? yes120 - You have a preference for boys or girls? girls121 - Is the male or female body closest to perfection? female122 - 5 things that irritate you about the same sex/opposite sex. males think that there penis is the biggest123 - Do you believe in love at first sight? no124 - Do you believe in soul mates? yes125 - What is your idea of the perfect date? walk along the beach and a nice dinner 126 - Based on past relationships or crushes, describe your perfect boyfriend/girlfriend: the girl i have now127 - What is the first thing you noticed in someone? there smile128 - Are looks important in a relationship? no129 - What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for? no idea130 - What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships? doesnt bother me131 - Would you ever date someone off of the Internet? yes132 - Five guys/girls whom you find attractive: 1 taylor 2 karlie 3 cara 4 my girl 5 my girl133 - Do you have a crush on anyone? yes my girl134 - A description of the girl/boy you like: shes amazing135 - Say 1 fact about the person your like: im in love with her136 - If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? bitch bye137 - When was the last time you told someone you loved them? today138 - Do you think someone has feelings for you? no idea139 - Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? i hope so140 - Have you ever cried over a guy/girl? yes 141 - Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? yes ugh taylor why are you with joe142 - Anyone you’re giving up on? yes my dad143 - Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? yes144 - Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? yes145 - Have you ever liked one of your best friends? yes146 - Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? yes147 - Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for? yes148 - Is there someone you will never forget? yes149 - Say five ways to win your heart: nuggets saying the right things um flowers i guess150 - What turns you on? hmmm my girl is the only one who needs to know151 - What turns you off? smoking and drugs152 - What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? umm 153 - What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you? send me flowers154 - What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you? to come see me 155 - Have you ever written a song or poem for someone? Have you had one written for you? ive written two songs about someone. and i have no idea 156 - What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone? um go see them when im busy 157 - Are you in love? YES158 - Are you in a relationship? yes159 - If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? her smile. it brightens up my day like the sun160 - Are relationships ever worth it? yes 161 - Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? yes162 - Can you commit to one person? yes163 - Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? yes164 - Do you ever want to get married? yes165 - Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? maybe 166 - Future names of your children: Isabelle Grace Lastname 167 - Do you get jealous easily? yes168 - The last time you felt jealous, and why? um idk169 - What is your definition of cheating? kissing and hugging and flirting 170 - Have you ever been cheated on? yes171 - Do you forgive betrayal? i guess172 - Have you ever cheated on someone? yes173 - Why did your last relationship fail? coz i wasnt happy174 - Things you want to say to an ex: i dont miss you 175 - A description of the person you dislike the most: i hate you 176 - If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? no177 - How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? 3 -4178 - How long was your longest relationship? 3 years179 - You’ll love me if… you like food180 - Share a relationship story: um no thanksMusic, movies and books181 - How often do you listen to music? everyday182 - What kind of music you like? country183 - Do you like to dance? no184 - What was the first concert/show you attended? a local rapper185 - Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today? yes186 - Share a song that takes you to a certain memory in the past: angels - robbie willams my nans funeral187 - A song that’s been stuck in your head: say you wont let go 188 - Put your music player on shuffle and write the first ten songs that play: taylor swift dear john189 - A book you want to read/have recently read: harry potter190 - Describe your dream library: i dont have one191 - Last movie you just watched: our kids are alright192 - Do you like watching what type of movies? harry potterSituations and crazy things193 - You’re in a tattoo parlor about to get inked. What are you getting done? harry potter194 - What’s something you can see yourself going to jail for? stabbing someone 195 - If you could be any character, from any literary work, who would you choose to be? harry potter196 - You’re given $10,000…under one condition: you cannot keep the money for yourself. Who would you give it to? my girl197 - If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be? my life 198 - If you were an element on the Periodic Table, which would you be and why? oxygen 199 - If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? when i was born200 - You’re an Action Movie Hero. What’s your weapon of choice and the line you scream when defeating your arch enemy? my fist and IM BATMAN BITCH201 - If you could design an amusement park ride, what would it be like? a rollercoaster202 - What is the first curse word that comes to mind? FUCK203 - What the last party you went to was… and when the next will be… i dont remember204 - Halloween costume idea? dont do halloween 205 - How you’d spend ten thousand bucks? buying a house206 - Press ctrl+v and post: “To me, Fearless is not the absense of fear. It's not being completely unafraid. To me, Fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, Fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death.” 207 - Would you rather be stranded on a desert island with someone you love for ten years or someone you hate for a month? Explain why. someone i love for 10 years208 - 5 things within touching distance: laptop, phone, meds, apple juice, pillow209 - A drunken story: i ended up in hospital210 - What are you supposed to be doing right now? sleeping 211 - Currently wanting to see anyone? my girl212 - Why you follow me? coz im amazing213 - If you met me what would you do? kiss me214 - YOU have to leave me a random/ridiculous question: id answer it215 - YOU have to leave me a cute message: id blushOpinions and beliefs216 - Is the cup half full or half empty for you right now? half air217 - Do you believe in fate/destiny? yes218 - What you wish for on 11:11? it wont come true219 - Do you consider yourself lucky? What’s your good luck charm? um idk220 - Do you believe in aliens or life on other planets? no221 - What is your religion, if any? nope222 - Would you go against your moral code for money? yes223 - What’s more important to you: strength of the body or strength of the mind? mind224 - How important you think education is? very225 - If you were the president, what would you do? kill trump226 - If you could change one thing in the world, what would you change? to kill trump227 - Is it the thought that counts? Or is that phrase circumstantial? the thou228 - If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do? see my girl and tell her i love her229 - Which movie character do you most identify with and why? harry potter coz i get a wandFeelings and Others230 - Are you a procrastinator or do you get things done early? procastinator231 - Post a photo/draw a picture/write a poem (pick one) of a moment of personal significance: um no232 - Say 5 things you love unconditionally: my girl and issac233 - What motivates you in life? food234 - Something that you’re proud of: um idk 235 - Five words/phrases that make you laugh: no idea236 - Share the story of something that makes you smile: no237 - Something you always think “what if…” about: my relationship238 - What was something you used to enjoy, but was ruined for you? What’s the story behind that? no saying239 - Describe one of the most awkward experiences of your life: shit 240 - Something/someone that you miss: my nan241 - Are you over your past? yes242 - What is your saddest memory? my nans funeral243 - One of the hardest moments in your life: saying goodbye to my nan244 - Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about? yes245 - What’s something you want to do that you’d be embarrassed to tell other people about? um idk246 - What was your most embarrassing moment? pissing my pants while drunk in my uncles garden247 - Share one of your fears/insecurities: no248 - Something you’re currently worrying about: yes249 - Have you done something you regret very much? yes250 - If you could take something back that you said or did, what would it be? not saying251 - Does anyone hate you? yes252 - Do you hate anyone? yes253 - Lyrics that apply to your current situation/mood. The rest of the world was black and whiteBut we were in screaming color254 - Are you good at hiding your feelings? no255 - What’s something you hide about your personality? idk256 - How do you approach social situations? no idea257 - Are you a social or an antisocial person? um depends258 - Are you an introvert or an extrovert? introvert259 - Do you care if people talk badly about you? yes260 - How do you deal with criticism? not good261 - How you hope your future will be like? good262 - What’s something that scares you about the future? losing you263 - Five items you lust after: idk264 - One thing you’re excited for: you265 - Describe the most terrifying/strangest/beautiful dream you’ve ever had: being dragged under the ocean and cant swim up266 - Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? draco267 - Who is your celebrity crush? taylor swift268 - Make a confession: I FUCKING LOVE YOU SO MUCH

#ask me questions #ask me anons

[avasilvugh]

super-sensate-seestras replied to your post

“Who do u think the superbabies will date?? :D (also since stella looks...”

I would love to hear more about Stella and Beth's relationship drama cause I absolutely love all of these breakdowns about the superbabies

WELL FRIEND there’s other drama too but this is the Major drama that hinders their relationship for a long time

so stella know she has a crush on beth, has been like aggressively ignoring said crush and tryin to Live Her Life and its been a year since stella came out, came to terms and she’s just started her nighttime shenanigans as a vigilante, just started trying to help the way kara does, the way maia does and its going ok???  until she.  you know.  gets stabbed (LIGHTLY STABBED) and is like hmmm i feel as though i should reassess maybe

and then beth’s back in national city after graduating early with like three bachelors (xenobiology, nanotechnology, and engineering) and at least one masters and a corresponding doctorate (in something sciencey, listen im barely an english major), working at l-corp bc she’s a Documented Genius and stella wants to step up her vigilante game, especially since she recently was lightly stabbed and doesnt rlly want that to happen again, and beth’s always been rlly calm and steady, very logical and she keeps all of maia’s secrets, so stella approaches her a little reluctantly to see if she’s willing to help and beth gives her this long, searching look and finally agrees, designs and builds her a new suit with a shitton of gadgets, is the main reason stella starts getting called mechagirl by the press but only helps with stella’s promise that beth can then help with actual missions bc like??  beth cares about her a lot too, doesnt want to see her die ya know??

and it’s weird??  bc now she’s friends with beth in her own right???  works alongside her a lot and beth serves as her tech person, finds her jobs she can do that supergirl or birdy (maia’s superhero alter ego) haven’t gotten to yet and national city gains a new superhero pretty much bc of beth.  and then its a late night of saving ppl and stella comes back to her apartment/headquarters and beth’s still there, wrapping up some end of night reports (she insists on keeping detailed logs in order to avoid any issues with the cops later on) and she’s ordered stella’s favorite takeout, put it in the oven to warm for her and stella’s so grateful and also pretty tired??  rlly tired and beth basically lives with her and sometimes the proximity blurs lines in stella’s mind and so she just leans down to kiss beth, murmurs thank you sleepily and goes into her room to change.  and beth’s just sitting there??  like oh my god, the girl i’ve been in love with for months just kissed me and she doesn’t even realize it but then stella REALIZES IT and runs back out like shit im so sorry beth, that was so inappropriate of me but beths like??  wait do you not like me and stella’s like WAIT DO YOU LIKE ME???? 

surprise!!  this is how stella finds out beth’s an alien and also how beth finds out stella’s an alien lmao.  like.  beth’s species has mental shields, similar to martians??  so stella’s never been able to read her or see in her mind but she never rlly tried to or even questioned it??  or even noticed bc she’s rlly empathetic anyway, reads body language rlly well, so she’s never known that beth likes her the way stella likes beth

like, later in their relationship, stella suddenly can read beth??  like rlly well and she’s like um what the hell and beth’s like oh, yeah, i stopped putting up the block and stella’s just like starry eyed like holy shit you trust me that much???  

beth’s like uh yeah but dont let it go to your head you nerd

but are they smart abt this and admit their v deep feelings for one another then??  no.  they just hookup and then keep hooking up, pretending like nothings changed, pretending like theyre not basically living together or doing all the shit Couples do but just refusing to tell anyone or acknowledge it at all.  and it’s ok for a while??  its solid

but then stella’s suit malfunctions, gives her a nasty burn down her side and she begs beth to not tell anyone that she’s in the hospital, that she’s been hurt and beth’s like shit, stella, i can’t keep doing this bc they’re working with a budget of about eleven dollars, a starburst, and stella’s bus pass, building with shit from the scrap yard and old electronics from secondhand stores and beth wants stella to just tell her family she’s the new vigilante bc then they’d have access to better resources, then beth wouldn’t be so scared every time stella runs out to go save a family from a burning car or stop a bank robbery, but stella refuses, knows that it would be a battle to be accepted like this.  

its a fight they’ve had for months before and then stella’s armor fucks up and beth just calls it.  tells her that she comes clean or beth won’t help her keep almost dying, so stella tells her that she doesn’t need her and beth moves all her shit out of stella’s apartment and its all rlly quiet, subdued and its so fucking sad

she takes the job offer she has at wayne security in charm city (wink wink) and doesnt tell stella, stella finds out when she goes over to her moms and finds beth there, with maia and her moms and finn, all laughing and grinning and maia tells her that beth is getting her own department at wayne security, that she’s moving on friday and stella fakes a smile, congratulates beth before she leaves and that’s the end of it, she never sees beth again

but then stella wrecks her motorcycle.  i think i mentioned once that stella is a little bit of an adrenaline junkie??  well she’s a huge adrenaline junkie and she was testing the limits of her newly redesigned bike, pushing it past 90, 120, 150 and then she just??  loses control of the motorcycle.  it just spins out and stella tries to stop it, turns into the spin and pumps the brakes which slows it down enough that she doesnt just fucking die, but not so much that she’s not close to dying

beth is still her emergency contact.  so beth gets the call, middle of the night, that stella danvers was in a wreck, is on the way to the hospital and that she should get here as soon as possible.  but beth is a ten hour drive away and can’t possibly know that she’d get there soon enough, be there if....if it came down to stella not being alone.  and.  well.  its not her place, never was.  so she calls lena, tells her the emts called the last number stella called bc its so much easier that way, kinder to everyone she thinks

she still drives through the night to national city.  gets there just a little after maia does, her eyes red and puffy from sobbing on the freeway, hands shaking a little.  thank god no one asks why she’s there or why she’s this panicked, bc she’d probably tell them and she knows that’s the last thing stella would want (or, well.  she thinks that at least).  maia just sobs out that beth is the best friend for coming, holds onto her in this desperate, damp sort of hug and beth just stays quiet

beth doesnt stay after she finds out stella woke up, is going to be okay.  she can’t right??  she shouldnt be here in the first place right??

so maia stays in national city to help stella in her recovery bc stella’s being stubborn and refuses to move back in with their moms, and maia figures most of her moping is to do with the fact she’s not allowed anywhere near her motorcycle anymore, but then she finds this one shirt that she knows is beth’s, knows beth has had since high school and its tucked under stella’s pillow and she puts it together pretty quickly.  the way they were friends and then all of a sudden they werent, the way beth came running back to nc the second stella got hurt, that weird pulse of anger, hurt she felt when stella found out beth was moving to charm city.  and like???  she doesnt know what to do with that information, she’s not sure what to feel or how to think about this so she just files it away for a later time, tucks the shirt back under stella’s pillow without saying anything

so eventually stella gets convinced to move back home, bc maia’s like hey.  i dont mind living with you and i dont mind helping you, but the neighbors are starting to think its weird that i carry you up the three flights of stairs to your apartment every day so finally stella moves home and maia comes with her bc they’re finally in a good place again??  they finally worked things out between them from when they were kids and maia’s not about to leave stella, not when stella’s like finally started seeing her as another Certified Safe Place.  so they’re back in their childhood bedrooms and then lena finds out about stella’s vigilantism.  mostly by accident??  stella’s still p much out of commission until her body’s at a 100 percent again but lena finds the mask and its a whole Thing between them, the first time stella’s ever really fought with lena and then by natural extension, kara finds out and then maia clues in and then the whole family has an opinion on it and stella’s just like MCFUCK OFF

and maia??  is like desperately scared for her sister, and she’s angry and she’s hurt that she didn’t tell her, didnt think that she would do anything to help her, but she also knows how isolated stella feels, how helpless she must be feeling, how stuck she is, so she calls beth

and when beth is beating around the bush with it, playing dumb like idk why you’d call me??  stella and i really aren’t that close, maia just calls her out on it like.  elizabeth, i know for a fact you were sleeping with my sister

oh

yeah, oh.  i have some words to share with you at a later date, but right now stella needs someone in her corner and that can’t be me 

and beth doesnt like.  doesnt even hesitate.  she drives her shitty beat up jetta the ten hours it takes to get from charm city to national city and gets a shitty hotel and is so, so nervous??  bc what if stella doesnt want her here??  what if she never wants to see beth again???  but then maia’s texting, saying that the house is empty if she wants to talk to stella and she does, she really does, like?  she didnt realize how big of a part of her life stella was until she was gone, until she had moved to a new city and met new people like she’s completely in love with stella, so she goes

stella opens the door and just stares for a second before she says that maia’s out for a while but beth just keeps looking at her and finally says it outright, says i’m here to see you, stella like its the most obvious thing in the world and stella’s so tired, she’s starting to close the door and she’s saying i dont need another lecture, i’ve had enough of those for a lifetime and beth lets her close it, knows her well enough to know she wont walk away from the door before beth does, so she calls through and says im not here to lecture you, stell.  i just.  i wanted to see you

the door opens

and its incredibly uncomfortable for a while, incredibly tense and when beth tries to ask her what’s going on, stella just hisses what, like you care?  and beth like??  normally would fire back with something, normally would let this blow up into a fight but she’s thought about it, she really has, and she knows that any time she can have with stella is better than no time at all.  that she’d rather take stella as she is, thrill seeking and too good for words and hard headed in the extreme, take the risks that come with her than have anything else.  so beth nods.  yeah.  i care.  i care a lot about you stella, and i shouldnt have forced you to make a decision like i did.  but its scary when the girl you love doesnt see the same value in her life that you do and it was terrifying watching you leave every night and not being sure if i would wake up to your face on the news

and stella’s like??  shit.  shIT, didn’t account for this at all.  but beth is very steady, is giving her this even-keeled look, keeping her eyes on stella but not forcing eye contact and she finally stands, gets ready to leave 

and she tells stella i love you.  and believe me when i say that transcends boundaries like platonic and romantic.  i love you, stella danvers, and i will always be here for you, in whatever way you want me to be and then she’s leaving 

and stella has a choice to make, two paths she can take and she stands a little unsteadily and grabs beth’s hand and pulls her back 

and she’s like im still pretty stupid, you’re aware of that, right?  and beth laughs, refutes the statement as she rests her forehead against stella’s.  you’re not stupid, stella, never stupid.  a little dense sometimes...  and stella laughs too before she admits, finally, i love you too, genius.  and i dont think i can keep doing this without you?  and she tries to backpedal, bc she’s worried she’s being manipulative or something but beth just shakes her head, says im going to kiss you now, ok?  and stella’s nodding fast, tears finally starting to fall when it all hits her and then they’re kissing for the first time in six months and theyre maybe still kissing when everyone comes home and maia groans bc like i texted you specifically so i could avoid seeing this ugh you guuuyyysssss

#super-sensate-seestras #reply #supergirl #superbabies #stella danvers

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 140818 - 2

im suicidal and i low key want everyone to unfollow and block so i can write my psycho rants in peace i honestly think i got bpd or smth. ive also checked ptsd multiple times but i dont remember my trauma and i dont have any dreams abt it since in fkn adopted. my whole life had been a trauma. 

im so fucking tired of my dad. i dont think ive gotten a single fucking apology in my whole life from him. 

when we were younger my little sister got scared and never dared to tell him when she broke or lost something cus he always made her cry. he always got soooo angry but always pretended he wasnt angry at us, but he obviously was. i used to cry too but instead i got angry because i’ve always been the problematic kid so i always started to scream at him instead. i still do cus im still problematic

one time when i was 16 i was on my way to the first party at my upper high school. i was looking forward to it so much because i suffered through junior high because of all the white rich racist snobs. i was happy bc i had finally been able to make some friends and after my parents divorce, friends were the only place i felt sade. but then dad suddenly calls me and starts to yell at me, accusing me of stealing his money (aka $2). ive never felt so betrayed and humiliated. my own dad didnt believe me. ”well your sister said she didnt, so it must be one of you two”. 

turns out it was my sister and she was too afraid to say something so my ugly fucking dad decided to ruin my whole fucking night and i embarrassed myself because i cried in public because i was so frustrated of not being believed. she admitted to mom. i never got an apology from any of them but i didnt say anything because i knew my sister was too scared. she never blamed it on me, she just said she didnt do and. and dad did the rest

one time a classmate of mine told me about her abusive dad and how he used to grab her by the neck when she did something ”wrong” and chase after her, maybe even hitting her. our dad never got physical with us but this is obviously emotional abuse. yesterday was the night i finally admitted it to myself. our dad is abusive and he’s one the reasons im so abusive myself. ive known for long, but i love him and i tried for so long. i kept fighting him cus i wanted to believe he was able to change but he’s not. he doesnt even understand. i hate him for that, i hate him for making me the monster i am today.

his first instinct is always to accuse. like yesterday evening for example where he helps me with my phone (he’s not the most technical one). something he thinks will work doesn’t work but an ”error” pops up and he immediately mutters ”what have you done now...” i get furious because i’m tired of all these microaggressions and he agitated me earlier this evening with his ignorance and refusal to change aka ”there will always be injustice and classism, why dont you become a poltician instead”. i tell him to apologize and he guilt trips me, accusing me of being sensitive, always mistunderstanding his words and now he’s ”not going to talk to me anymore” ”since he cant say anything”. i get even more angry and he tells me to shut up. it sounds harsher in swedish, so i’d probably translate it to ”shut the fuck up” instead. i walk away, obviously done with his bullshit 

emotional abuse. i could never tell him that though. i mean i could and i’ fucking did but his dumb ass never listens. not even after mom divorced him he listens. he never does. hes so ruined that he always blames it on everyone else for being sensitive. he thinks hes kind and understanding when he says ”im sorry YOU FEEL that way” because he doesnt understand its not ME or MY feelings. its me, my mom, and my sister. its a fucking fact that hes emotionally abusive, its not something we just FEEL. but theres no idea arguing with him because he will only get angry. as usual.

its gotten better through the years. not because he has learnt anything, but because we are older, not little children anymore. he’s never like this with adults. mom said it was different techniques on her, because she’s an adult and was his wife. he would probably get sad reading all of this but he wouldnt show it and i wouldnt care because he wouldnt apologize and he wouldnt understand. thats his weakness and that will be his doom. 

nothing ever changes in this family. my dad keeps being an emotional abuser while im the only one saying something. my older brothers left me and my little sister during our parentes divorvve. my little sister is always the quiet one while im always the annoying aggressive one. im always on my own fighting. but i never get any appreciation. no one asks me how i am feeling. my sister never asks me, never hugs me. i know she loves me and i hope shes thankful for always standing up against our dad, always protecting her ever since we were kids. i know she doesnt like my ways all the time, that she dislikes when im fighting and yelling but at least i do something. the only one listening is mom but we fight too sometimes. i just wish i wasnt so lonely. me and my closest to age brother could maybe talk, could maybe be closer if he didnt betray us, betray ME like that. ffs he was 21 when they divirced. a grown ass man. i was 11, i was going through another abandonment. i lost everything. the money, my parents, my family. everything i was proud of and thought was safe. we could maybe talk if he wasnt so uncomfortable and unserious. i know he talks to mom and i know mom, me and him are the only one thinking in this god damn family. but he left me. i wish my sister could give me some love. i know she cares but she never shows me. i love her the most in our family. we’re the only chinese adoptees and i feel like i need to protect her. i try not to cry in front of her but i just wish she could give me something. i know theres nothing i can do about it. i tried to pressure her when we were younger but she only withdrew even more. i was always the one trying. im always the one trying, speaking up. im always painted as the problematic unstable one but i’ve gone through the most shit in this family. i came as a crying and screaming baby. i was afraid of everything, always crying. and thats what i’ve always been. always the crying one, the one who cant control her feelings. always the lazy one because ive been to scared to try things. no one appreciates me. im not perfect and i hate myself for it. im paranoid and i have abusive tendencies. i got major abandonment issues and i used to text people a lot. i dont do that anymore. i never answer anymore because no one cares and im too scared of making new friends.

i know im not perfect but i also know my bf would miss me if i stopped texting him. i know my sister will miss me when i move away. she will never stand up against dad and a part of me wants to stay protecting her but im tired. i dont get anything. never a thank you. never a nod. i dont know how she feels. i only from what mom tells me. she never joins me or helps me. only when its herself. ONLY when its about her. she never takes my side. i never blamed her for it. i always blamed dad. i hated my vrothers for leaving me, but not her because shes my baby sister. but im tired. im exhausted and i never get anything. my family abandoned me so i invested in friends instead. they could be my third family. but they abandoned me too. my issues got in the way and they abandoned me. at the same time i went through an abortion at age 17. my mom abandoned me because of her own mental illbess and my boyfriend abandoned me because of his cowardness. at the same time i had the biggest indentity crises and i started to miss my own mom, my actual mom, like crazy. no one was there for me. maybe my adoptive mom tried her hardest but she’s white, she suffered from PTSD for 7 years herself, she wasnt like dad, but she wasnt enough. no ones enough. no one can save me. no one can save me. not even my beautiful boyfriend who loves me so much and who i’ve been a total fkn abuser to. no one can save me. my mom got surprised when we watched a documwntary about killers and i said i think like that. i feel like that. i feel like that could be me. she said ”not could you have killed anyone” but ive wanted to. ive dreamt about it. ive wanted to kill everyone on this earth. ive wanted to kill myself and everyone i hold dear. and when people say ”those abusers and nasty murderers deserve no love. they’re lost” i feel like murderering them extra slow. no one ever loved me. i was never loved. i came here only to serve as a child to a middle class white western couple. no one cares about my mother. no one cares about me. my trauma was only me being difficult and me being difficumt was only bc of what happened in china, never bc of what they did. white people are never weong. the damage adoptees go through is only BEFORE the adoption. never after. white people are perfect. so perfect people want more to adopt us. cus we’re only dolls to you. we’re just children you can send back and forth. no one cared that i was all alone my 2 first years. that i was shipped back and forth like a toy. no one cared about me when they placed me in sweden, the whitest country next to our neighbors, denmark, norwat and finland. no one cared about me when they placed me in a family that would divorce. where the mom would get ptsd for 7 year, not work and no money. dad is emotionally abusive and emotionelly inaccessible. no one cared about me when i missed my mom. when i started to read about racism and sexism and colonialism and classism. no ones ever cared about me and im tired. no one can save me. ive been fighting my whole life. ive been fighting for basic things like love and safety. im never loved. im never safe. im always fighting, always chasing something i’ll never get

i remember when this was everday. when i felt like this everydsy and thought i would die everyday. the only one by my side my boyfriend who i am incapable givning the love and appreciation he deserves. i dont want this to come back. tomorrow i’ll be fine. tomorrow everything will be forgotten. my dad will never ever applogoze for anything. my sister will never ever give me any kind of love. everything will be normal tomorrow but nothing will be solved. im cursed. im cursed. im cursed. im cursed. im doomed. i will never escape these thoughts and feelings. im doomed to suffer. no matter what i do, no matter how much i try its always weong. no one cares. im so lonely. i miss my mom. i wish i was aborted or that i could stat with her. even if i was unhapoy with her she’s at least be my real mom. at least i’d commit suicidw like a normal person. i dont feel like a normal person. i feel like a demon. i feel like a monster.

im very very suicidal right now. i always feel like i have to threaten with suicide but i know no one would care. and that sucks. ive thought about faking my death but my dad is so abusive he’d just get mad at me. so i just couldnt help myself cus i had a big ass anxiety attack so i straight up told him he he wouldnt care if i died. he didnt. he shut the balcony door. so i panicked even more and screamed when i commit suicide he will regret himself, he will regtet. when i commit suicide it will be his fault. no reaction. he was embarrassed. he said ”i dont want the neighbors to hear when youre so sad and angry” so i literally throw a pillow over the tanke and break something and i automatically get scared and then to my room to call mom and i scream so much. i feel like im dying.

i guess i feel better now or whatever cus i was able to talk to my mom but wow our dad is really fucked up. i hate that i cant get people to live me in a healthy why though. i always have to do smth dramatic like killing them or treathening with suicide. but the very fact that i had to go that far for my dad to come and give me a weak hug and after another 5 minutes arguing say ”sorry” cus he just ekot saying ”i usually apologize” and ”i already said that was dumb of me” but literally cant say s-o-r-r-y makes me SO ANGRY. i shouldnt have to commit suicide for my family to care

after everything ive done for my sister and show never gives me any love. after everything ive been through. im standing up against our dad for her too. ive always done. because ove always been the angry kid. always always, and she’s always been te quiet kid. ive done so much for her, ive protected her so much because i know she’s scared of him. i know she’s scared of me too. but she never asks me how im feeling. she never says she loves me or qppreciates me. no one does. she can tell our mom she appreciates that i stand up but never tell me. and NEVER side with me against dad. im always aloen and im so weak and tired. im only doing this because i already have the label as an angry kid. 

i was angry when i was adopted. i was screaming all the time. i was angry and anxious because ive been abandoned multiple times’ and had to deal with these white foreigners i didnt understand. and my mom left me for dad to take care of. she felt like a bad parent and let dad raise me like the unstable psychopath i am today. he always seemed to blame me. theres a reason i feel like the angry annoying kid and that i have no self esteem. it must be from him. probably my whole family, but mainly from him. i was angry when i was adopted, i was angry when my orents divirced, i was angry when i reqlized what a horrible colonial practice international transracial adoption is. all for both me and my sister. because i love her the most in this fucked up family. cus we’re the only chinese adoptees

i hate that i want to revenge through suicide. i hate that im so unhealthy and that i had to go through all of this. i hate all those fucking ”good ppl will not let themselves get broken, they will be kind” fuck you ive been fighting my whole fucking life. these are the quotes that triggers me enogh to kill somebody. ”youre just as bad as your emotionellt abusive dad, as the white pol, the rich, the men who exploited you and separates you from your mother and left you with mental illness and issues that make you uncapable of being loved”

the only thing keeping me alive is the thought of one day going back to china. the only thing keeping me aliev is the thought of being able to avtually help people with my story or knowlege. to help other adoptees or fight for chinese womens rights or smth. thats the only thing. if my life turns out like nothing i’ve been suffering in vain. no one ever needed me. no one ever wanted me. ive always been the only one needing them. the only way for me to heal would be to help others so i can forgive myself. i hate my dad for fuxking me up even more than necessary. i was boound to get these issues sooner or later but the manipulation and absue he gave me will i always hate him for. why did i turn out like this but not my sister? why didnt my sister become a monster like this? and what hurts the most is that i was once proud of my family and my dad. i love him and he took care of me the most. the reason he gave me these fkn issues

#diary #odfidk