#im trying so hard but it feels like it does nothing

[hurthermore]

Need Alastor who is obsessed with the fat of your ass and every chance he gets he’s grabbing on it, slapping or biting. He likes how it jiggles or tenses when he brings his palm down a velocity too rough. He likes how you whine when his greedy claws kneed it gently at night in your shared bed. It’s his stress toy atp. He adores how something so soft can be so tough against his teeth as he digs his jaws into it, not enough to tear but just a love bite. You cant tell if it’s “manly” instinct or due to his preferred diet, Alastor was never one for sexual advances which leaves you with…eughh…🥘

honestly he does know either, maybe admiration? He’s not trying to eat you! Promise! It’s nothing inherently sexual though he doesn’t mind if that’s where the night leads ;))

NGFGGGGSJSJS I LOVE THISSS IM FROTHING FROM THE MOUTH NSFW BELOW

Alastor never thought he’d be an ass man. He never imagined himself as a person who would be partial to a part of the body in this way, but obviously you came along, flummoxing him as you brought out emotions and desires he never saw himself harbouring. Not only did he desire to have a space in your heart, but he desired to touch your body. Your ass in particular. 

Sure, he had his favourite parts of the body that he liked to consume, a cannibal always did, but the way he craved to just touch you, bite you, watch how your ass would undulate whenever he hit it too hard or sunk his claws within it? You had him desiring things he never believed he could desire.

Even now, he couldn’t help but smother his face into the fat of your ass as you bent over for him, fully naked as you allowed him to lick the skin of if all over, readying it for his teeth to penetrate your supple epidermis; he couldn’t believe something that felt so spongy as he kneaded it, could be so tough and delectable as he sunk his teeth in it. 

It was his favourite meal; the blood of your ass.

And the way you moaned as he fondled you? It had him enjoying this much more than he previously imagined. But despite the inherently sexual nature of it all, Alastor never once intended this activity to be sexual, he simply enjoyed touching you in this way; he didn’t know what brought him to become so obsessive over your beautiful posterior. Perhaps it was a carnal desire of him simply being a man, or his cannibalistic nature that enforced such a yearning, he didn’t know.

But he did know that regardless, he had a biological need to simply indulge with the fat of your ass.

Often, he would leave you feeling sexually frustrated whenever he smothered his face into your rear, unintentionally, of course. He never realised how much it turned you on most of the time, but whenever you asked, begged for him to take it further, he couldn’t help but give in to your demands. Especially when your ass would jiggle so hard as he pounded you from behind; but that would be a little secret he would keep for himself.

Sorry it's poorly done, I had troubles with seeing how I wanted this to go<33

#alastor x reader #alastor x you #alastor #hazbin alastor #hazbin hotel x reader #reader insert #hazbin hotel #alastor x reader smut #x reader #alastor smut

[iloveyouitisruiningmylife]

spending my whole life trying and trying and trying and trying to be good enough for people who don't give a fuck about me

#im so tired living seems pointless why am i doing this what is the reason #the firm i work at is going thru a merger so it's releasing all the interns except 2 #i went into her office and said that id like to stay here bc my dad said so bc i got in cause he was friends with the head #and she said ill think about it based on performance ive not decided yet #and this other guy he went in to tell her that cool he'll leave and she told him that she was hoping that he'd stay #he literally does nothing but play games on his phone he doesn't work at all #i have no idea what he has that i don't #but just. im stuck like this forever right never ever good enough for people i like or care about #not for parents they have a diff fav child not for ex gf not for bestie who has a boyfriend much better at loving her than me #not for that one guy who rejected me in interview bc i don't read the newspaper and didn't know the date of the finance act #im so fucking sick of this i never even wanted to this fuckinh course and obviously even my best isn't enough and ofc im not good enough #for anyone in this field and ill just struggle and struggle and struggle all my life just to earn some fucking money so i can live away #from my sociopathic parents #and the worst part is that i can't stop feeling like maybe it IS me yk maybe i am the problem maybe im not trying hard enough #but how else am i supposed to handle this i prioritize my studies and lose all my friends i prioritise my friends and fail in d #exams #and the trauma keeps on coming every fucking day bc sociopathic parents but i jsut push it down and say not rn i will cry at night anx then #never cry #i wish someone would just tell me that idk you're wrong you're not made for this you really do have some mental illness and you're really #trying your best and do something that's easy and that you love doing #oh god this is now a ventpost #mes

[soldier-poet-king]

Speaking of self sabotage (unintentional?? Maybe???), you can't possibly be abandoned if you don't truly trust anyone in the first place!

#this is bad dont listen to me. my brain is fuzzy bad tonight im going to bed #shaking it in a jar like..NO. we're not allowed to be like that #but also idk how to not #babygirl i have abandonment issues beyond your wildest comprehension #at every given moment my inner child is wailing unloved unloved on my hands and knees begging not to be left alone #AND YET i am cranky and prickly and sensitive and hide away and dont trust on even the most basic of things #AND SO #the duality of fran #anyway i am forcing myself to go to bed. i feel like SHIT. physically. mentally. emotionally. #like. why is connection the deepest craving of the human soul #bc its smthn we cannot get alone. cannot be self sufficient in #no matter how good i am and how dutiful i am and how self abnegating and people pleasing i am #it doesnt guarantee that connection. nothing does #all my hard work! for what! #smthn smthn I could philosphize about my neuroses but im genuinely going to take extra melatonin and just try to sleep

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#it's an old frustration. an old pattern of thought. #i just feel that i have a brain that doesn't hold information. that lacks the discipline to gain knowledge. that is incapable of deeper #thought. and i cant teel you how maddening that is. to sit in a room and listen to other people discuss a paper you read in depth 5 times #like it's the 1st time you ever heard anything about it. how is that possible? how do i work with that? i read and nothing sticks. #nothing stays with me. how??? i was talking to a prof recently who ive heard is hard on her students with disability accommodation. and she #was saying how she doesnt see these things as a disability. how we're just different not disabled. ive heard the phrase differently abled #a lot of times. and i get what she's saying. i do. ad i get why she's hard on them. she wants to push them. but there comes a point where #you are quote unquote differently abled and you run into a wall that other people dont have. then what are you supposed to do? work harder? #but what if that doesn't help? what if that just compounds the hurt that's always been there? what if that leaches away all the wonder? what #then? at what point does a thing become too much of a barrier? i think there's a reason i dont run into many other dyslexic grad student. #everyone has adhd. it's a place where those with adhd prosper. but dyslexia not so much. at least not with the level of hanicap i have #and everyone's really nice. they want to help. but there's nothing anyone can do for me at this stage. it's up to me to compensate for my #leaky head. and i kno im not stupid. ive got a piece of paper stating my iq is above average after correcting for uneven intelligence. but #i dont feel very smart most of the time. i feel more like my uncorrected iq score that comes out at just below average even with me trying #my very best. iq is bullshit but there's something to be said for that gap. im smart if unconstrained by language and time. but were bound #by language and we're bound by time so what am i supposed to do? is there anything i can do? im stuck with this forever. theres no getting #better or making it easier. my brain is wired in a way that gives me the reading skills of a child. forever. and i just have to accept that #and im trying to swallow around that idea easier because the only other option is to choke on it. but maybe i chose the wrong career path. #one of my lab mates said she wants challenges all the time and ive chosen a path that's challenges all the time but im jsut trying to do #what everyone else can without a second thought. it's deeply demoralizing. yet here i am. trying to be easier abt it. #maybe im just nit cut out for this. doing a job im not built for. #unrelated

[frecklystars]

feels really awful not drawing my red energon necklace on me anymore. it also feels awful when I do draw it though, like i used to feel rly happy bc it's a reminder of how loved TF made me feel but now it's just a reminder that i've lost it and i'm! always! scared i'll never get that back! i keep trying to imagine starlight would want me to wear it but its so fucking hard to imagine him being kind towards me when i have months of trauma and abuse that have convinced me the exact opposite. that's why im making so much fanart instead of self ship. thats why i still only doodled one (1) ship art w/ ken and i'm facing away from the camera bc i cannot stand to draw myself with or without the necklace. i hate thinking about it i hate lingering over that empty area. i hate missing him. i fucking hate missing him. im not supposed to miss any of those characters like this. this was never supposed to happen to me. i didn't deserve ANY of that shit my abuser put me through. i just want everything taken away from me to finally be mine again

#been drawing myself wearing barbie's locket or ken's chain #just to fill that empty space because idk what else to do!!!! #i tried drawing the red energon necklace while im holding hands w/ six #and it felt so fucking Bad it was like oh. why would i wear that if it's never gonna feel better again #would stsc even want me to wear it anymore. does he even still love me #i keep trying to imagine that he misses me and hes just waiting for me to come back #sitting in our meadow holding the necklace for me stargazing and wondering if im ok #but TF being a literal fucking trigger makes it SO FUCKING HARD to think of fluffy scenarios #when someone spent months telling me how abusive they would all be and how vile they are #i love barbie. i love ken. i love six. i love sebastian. but it is absolutely fucking nothing compared to what i had w/ starscream #and im. nevergonna get it back am i #the pain is so tremendous and when i lose barbie/ken/six/etc etc idk what im gonna do #i felt so good watching the barbie movie today i watched it TWICE since its the last day in theaters #and then on the way home a starkeri song came on shuffle #and i fucking lost it i had to pull over bc i started crying so hard #what the fuck is wrong with me!!!!!!!! #vent

[stannussy]

Mmmhh that one time a fandom darling basically showed their whole ass to me bc I wanted to talk about how someone that'd been sexually harassing me and others but tell me not to on the pretense that the person harassing us might hurt themselves just bc they were autistic 🤦🏽‍♂

#dunno men #its the combo wombo for me #also its fine y'all maybe I write abt it later on bc im all grown up now and I feel like I can finally stand up for myself #its just.... its funny in a fucked up way JNsndndjfnfj #like did multiple oopsies while trying to stand for something good #which hun.... you should've had asked first???? #funny enough I ended up getting more recenment to this person than the actual weirdo #which is not fait mind u #but still #💕🤷🏽‍♂ #thats why i basically stopped posting abt fc5 #two people ruined my enjoyment in a way I didn't felt safe anymore #jason still rocks on my heart and so does that ugly dog jacob #but its hard for me #bc it was something i could retell my issues and feel safe just for some asshole to come and take that away from me #and also a 'well meaning' fool to come and play corner while knowing NOTHING

[chantryexplosion]

sorry i don’t think i’ll ever stop being mad about how much better it would’ve been to use cullen instead of samson as an antagonist in dai

#like i doubt most ppl even remember samson from da2 while cullen was Right There #and would’ve made so much more sense like the base was already there !!!!!! #but nooooo instead they try so hard to make me think this guys uwu so sad about being an oppressive bigoted bitch #and i’m just supposed to accept that he’s better now !!!! without him actually having to work for it or even acknowledge his wrongs #i refuse to call what cullen goes through in dai as a redemption arc bc he does absolutely nothing to redeem himself #im just supposed to feel bad for him for something he CHOSE to do #(as in joining the templars not the addiction i’m not an asshole) #BUT WHATEVER !!!!! WHATEVER #✨.txt #not putting this in any tags i don’t want ppl to start throwing rocks at me

[strwbrymlkshake]

I am trying so hard but it still isn't ENOUGH FOR YOU? DON'T YOU SEE HOW HARD I'VE BEEN TRYING?

#mine #normally i've been good about not being too upset over things #but oh fucking boy. okay. im glad people are scared of me #i hope they know that im the only right one in the whole world and they are wrong and are justified for fearing me and im glad my existence #will turn them off from sharing their wrong opinions. but oh FUCKING BOY? ive been sitting here the whole time like oh they hate me #oh they hate me so much they want me to die wahhh and im trying to do all the things they like because im for some reason fucking bothered #by their other opinions. even though the people themselves are useless trash #and oh. like i was suspecting it but its finally confirmed huh??? you all cant fucking stand the sight of me because im right? #you dont understand the truth?? they hated him because he told them the truth? thats me as fuck rn dude #i am literally gracing your eyes with the content i make and basically hand feeding you the correct opinions to have #and yet you still reject them! people just love being stupid unfortunately. i want to kill them all. #i would be so much nicer if you all just agreed with me on the objective truth but unfortunate you have to be stupid #i have graced you with so many GIFTS and protected you from my wrath so many times but you do not even give a fuck #WHY AM I CRYING. YOU ARE ALL SO USELESS WHY AM I CRYING!!! MAYBE ITS BECAUSE YOU DONT AGREE? #i guess im crying because they are all so stupid #so what im saying is its very unfortunate that everyone does not worship me and all my opinions and the world is very hard. yes. #friendship ended with self hatred now delusions of grandeur are my new best friend #even trhing to explain myself makes me sound like a shithead but i swear to fuck if you all just listened to me like youre supposed to #then absolutely nothing would ever go wrong! but you all had to be stupid on purpose! do you like being wrong? whats your problem #explaining all the reasons im RIGHT and yet i still feel bad for having the gall to do so. i shouldnt feel bad. im doing great. youre just #uncomfortable in the fact that YOURE wrong and making me have to accomodate you for your wrongness? tf is that about #okay lunatic rant over i have finished crying ☝️

[piplupod]

i feel a feeling that is genuinely intolerable and go "okay what do i do with this"

therapist brain says "feel ur feelings, its unhealthy to suppress all the time." rational brain says, "hi if we sit with this emotion then we are going to either be bleeding or dead in approximately ten minutes. so whats another option." therapist brain goes "wellll i guess in that case maybe u can distract urself idk, that can be a coping strategy sometimes." rational brain glances at emotion, shakes its head and shoots back "yeahhhh no can do there bud. this one's a real whopper and distractions ain't gonna cut it this time."

both sections of the brain shrug at each other and then The Disorder brain raises its hand smugly and simpers out "hiiii remember me? yeah this is the reason i exist teehee :) give me five minutes and I'll have an amnesia wall erected and another part of the brain shoved into the forefront and then we'll be right as rain! and this emotion can go rot in the locked cabinet of horrors until another part accidentally stumbles upon it again in the future or until the lock breaks. :)"

#girl help I've just been drawing and then BOOM. unbearable feelings drowning me !!!! drownding !!! i am drowndinging !!! #i dont wanna do this anymoreeeee im so tired of this #i go ''wow this sure is intolerable! how have i ever dealt w this!'' and then the DID does its thing some more👍 #''gee that sounds so helpful!'' my body is in shambles from the overwhelming amounts of undealt with trauma :] #there are many other downsides but . i ain't getting into all that dhfjdldl #im just . grrrrr. maybe its bc i was drawing another part of the brain but c'mon 😭 i was drawing them HAPPY !! playing!! having fun!! #trying to make smth nice for us !!!! god damn this is so ridiculous #i want to go to bed fjfkdl im so tired and frustrated w everything man im trying so hard and it all seems to go towards nothing #im just not doing well idk also this counselor i have has been so flaky and its making me feel so ... eeurgghh #i understand they dont think im a suicide risk so im low on the priority list but I'd like to just... be a priority for somebody just once #boohoo poor me etc etc. other ppl need the help more than i do i know. im just. tired. #there isnt rly a lot anybody can do anyways to help i guess #still makes me insane thinking abt how the social worker had nothing for me except ''well ... u could go to the homeless shelter'' #im just... theres so many fucked up things abt that. sigh. oh well oh well oh well. #just keep making my shitty art and trudging thru the days and finding good things in a day when i can scrape em together !!!! #argh. sigh. I'll go figure out some food to eat tonight. #pippen needs 2nd breakfast #suicide mention #self harm mention

[taikk0]

JUST SAYING ONCE I LEARN TO PRONOUNCE MY T'S PROPERLY ITS OVER FOR YOU BUTTNUGGETS

#IVE ALWAYS PRONOUNCED T'S WITH MY TONGUE AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO FIX IT ITS BEEN THAT WAY FOR SO LONG #BUT ONE DAY. I WILL PRONOUNCE MY T'S SO GOOD YOULL THINK IM A WHITE PERSON #WHAT SUCKS TOO IS THAT IM BILINGUAL WHILE ENGLISH IS MY FIRST LANGUAGE I SPEAK TAGALOG MOST OF THE TIME BECAUSE OF MY ENVIRONMENT SO I- #-HAVE NO PROPER WAY OF PRACTICING IT BC FILIPINOS PRONOUNCE T'S DIFFERENTLY BC OF THE LANGUAGE AND UNLESS IM IN AN ENGLISH SPEAKING- #-SETTING THERES NO WAY IM GONNA BE ABLE TO PRACTICE CONSISTENTLY 💔💔 #even worse i slur over my words all the time. i have a stutter. i have VERY frequent voice cracks and when i try to suppress them i sound- #-ver odd. PLUS ADHD #idk if adhd might be one of the causes or of it gets added to the pile but dude i actually need help 💀💀 #but another problem is i dont think anyone would see the point in it #i communicate just fine its just that i have so much trouble communicating verbally (vocally?) in a way that isnt unnatural and in a way- #-that properly articulates what i want to say and how i say it. often i have so much trouble showing varied emotion to prove a point when- #-im referring or talking about something that isnt reactionary #LIKE DUDE WHY IS TALKING SO HARD 💔ALL PEOPLE CAN TALK WHY DO I HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH ALL PF THIS THIS SUCKS #which might be why i prefer writing what i want to say bc unlike talking the way i speak has nothing to do with it. i get given time to- #-think. and with an adhd brain writing what you want to say is so much better because typing it out involves the conscious decision to- #-type it all out and it acts as a filter #BLEFGGGH SORRY I KEEP BLABBERING ON THIS WSS SUPPPSED TO BE A SILLY LITTLE POST IDK WHY I WENT HAM IN THE TAGS #anyways umm yeah i dont like talking. i like communicating and maybe socializing tho. but not talking. does that make sense??? #there r also times where i straightup cant speak at all. i want to speak and i want to say things but my brain feels too busy or ig blank- #-but not empty and i cant form words or sentences and all i have are thoughts and feelings #anyways i think asl is neat and i want to learn it not just for my benefit but also for accessibility #also filipino sign language if im up for it #man there is something wrong w my brain 💀 #mikyomix rambles #yeah this one was a true ramble but only in the tags

[danothan]

i keep wondering why my schedule has been so wonky lately as if i didn’t quite literally get into a car crash less than a week ago

#danbles #car accident mention #hello from 5 in the morning #we’re fine everyone’s fine the other person’s insurance is allegedly going to pay for it #but i think it was my first real look at death so i’m still trying to process it #weird guilt feelings for smth that wasn’t even my fault #grief is a weird thing to process i’ve found out! #i’m not used to being angry yet it keeps coming back #it’s very hard for me to care abt things rn #but ik it’s just one of those things i have to ride out. i’ve certainly been thru worse #and the fact that i can confide in my interests is a good sign that i still care at all. and i will care again #i’m rly lucky that i’ve had my sibling to talk to abt this but that’s also bc they were there #and got it worse than me! nothing hospitalizing thank god but we’re still healing #anyway i don’t need sympathy. talking abt this with anyone other than my sib has been rly irritating (is currently in an irritable state) #but i think i just wanted to let ppl know that i’m going thru smth. idk how that helps but it does #i think i just cant reconcile with the idea that i couldve lost someone i care deeply abt and everyone else is just moving on #ah fuck that’s what it is. im angry abt how insignificant a lifechanging event actually is #i don’t want anyone to care but i do think i need someone to know that it’s not normal rn #like i just need to throw it out there into the void that smth Has happened #and then i can go back to a new normal #alright it’s 5:30am now i think i should go to bed fr #also this got rly heavy but i dont wanna freak my friends out. like i’m okay and i’ll be okay #each day has gotten easier so far #and it doesn’t mean i’ve been pretending to be happy #it’s a rly weird duality idk how to explain #like apprently i was laughing a lot during the actual crash! emotions are weird man idk! #christ it’s almost 6 now OKAY GN FR peace and love everyone #normal is right around the corner 👍

[carrieway]

i just think ghosting someone should be illegal

#esp if the person has bpd . no this isnt about me (it is) #it's just bad boss #ive slowly gotten better at trying not to think about the person but alas . they're appearing in my nightmares . #not much i can do about that besides feeling awful n just trying not to sleep after #idk ! idk i tried . i tried to not be like a previous friend i had who was rlly gross n manipulative to me #whilst Also being much older (i was seventeen n they were twenty four or twenty six i dont remember) #idk. ethan says i wasnt bad but its still gripping onto my brain yknow #also it just sucks being ghosted sucks this is the second time it's happened from someone i trusted #[united states of whatever voice] whatever #(it's more like . Wuhtevr .) #nothing i can do but cope with random f/n/af videos #im watching a person i like try to be sister l/o/cation blindfolded :] they're doing well even with how hard it is #i cant even beat night four Seeing things (well barely seeing things bc its so dark i genuinely cant see) #so it's rlly neat . also i know how to skip the night now bc of a joke he made >:D #also to anyone reading this i am not trying to come across as like Woe Is Me Feel Bad For Me bc like ew #NDNDNDN my tone is very just flat n matter of fact rather than trying to garner sympathy #but also i dont necessarily think it's bad to want sympathy however i dislike it when people go about it in such a way #where it's like . being down on themselves to such an amount that you Know they're playing it up . does that make sense #idk . im saying nothing <3 n im very tired n doing bad so im not making much sense my apologies #does a ditty before kickflipping my way back to f/n/af video world #blabs

[minimoefoe]

my mum said last night that the cat has some kind of bump on her head and I was like maybe its a tick and she was like yeah maybe but i caught her just now and she has some weird scab with pus in it on her forehead right up near her ear and it's kinda gross actually

#*mycats #cant really see much of anything there #other than theres a bump that i think is just a scab #and then there was a bunch of pus that was pretty grin #grim #i dabbed it with some paper towel a couple of times mostly pus came off on it #with a tiny bit of blood #its probs nothing crazy like she was probably just in a fight or caught her head on something when she was out an about and got a scratch #the pus does freak me out tho bc that feels like more than just a little scratch flr there to be pus there #idk #imma tell my mum when she gets home later and she what she aays #she probs wont be worried at all #hopefully she'll grab her when she can either today or tomorrow and have a proper look at it herself #bc im not confident in my description of whats really there #i just know - bunp that is probs a scab and some pus #the cats have vets in a couple of weeks anyways so itll get looked at then #but i dont want it to be a bad thing that just gets left to get worse for a couple of weeks #hipefully if we just dab it a bit with a wet cloth to just try and make sure its all clean then itll be fine #this cat is hard to catch tho #sometimes she sleeps in the living room all day/night #and sometimes we'll see her for ten minutes at a random time in the day and then not see her again for the next 18hrs #she mostly sleeps in the neighblur's garage or under another neighbours car #so like #i dont she goes far that often lmao #shes just quick and hard to catch if shes not in the mood #and im probs her least fave of the three of us lmao

[tortademaracuya]

love being reminded by the "bestie" that keeps being close friends with all the girls that treated me like shit about the other friend not from that group that also treated me like shit and tried to convince others to leave me

#and she talked like it was such a pity i didnt want to try anymore to 'fix' things. i never had a problem with her #she just woke up one day and decided i was shit and deserved no friends while acting like nothing was wrong when i asked #and i didnt even learn she was talking shit until years later!!! #if she doesnt think that was messed uo what does she even think of how their grouo of friends treated me...? #i knew it was being too good a day :/ always end up finding some stupid comment that makes me feel like shit #woooo im unloveable and everyone will end up hating me sooner or later wooooooooo #maybe shes right and both that and the other Incident werent anything and im being an idiot about it #why does it even matter. they were right and its my problem for getting sad that they were saying what a horrible person i am #maybe its true and my presence does ruin everything for everyone. i should just stay home and never go out again #sigh #haunted.txt #maybe its all my fault for not trying hard enough ti earn forgiveness #even though i embarrassed myself so many times to do so and it was her shit friends that kept treating me like garbage #even after saying they forgave me and refusing to give me any apologies

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#sorry i cant shut the fuck up today. i think i just feel worse on the weekends bc i kno i shoulf b relaxing #ppl r telling me to relax. take a break. let me kno how i can help. let me kno if theres a problem. bc my behavior is apparently ya kno like #visibly somethings not right. but how tf am i supposed to relax when i have so much to do #so im stuck spiraling like dont work but also think insistently abt working. but get nothing done. its horrible #mostly rn im stressed abt all the grading i havent done and the work on my masters data i havent done #but its like. something in my head is on fire and it's burning thru all my cognitive energy. i am just trying to keep existing #how tf am i supposed to find the energy to read 45 lab reports? im like illiterate #and idk i just feel bad about coming into a new lab being so sick. i just dont like being a problem #it also does not reflect well on my future career that im being such a flake on things. like sorry if i have to work on my research #assistant data rn i might die ✌️ ugh. itll b fine. i just need to find a way to effectively manage my head #and i keep hearing my dads voice in my head talking abt personal responsibility but like i dont even kno how to employ that. i could suck #it up and double down on productivity but that way leads to burnout and self destruction. do i doubke down on relaxing? #i dont kno how to do that. like u would probably just have to drug me. which is y i do not partake in substances. that way also leads #to self destruction. so what am i do to? cross my fingers and pray for a fluctuation in my general mood? #hope that aliens invade and that an incoming invasion sharpens my focus onto only one single thing? #idk. but my sister is finally working on the fish i askrd her yo draw me. so i gotta think of how i wanna get it tattooed #bc shes not an art person and its an act of indulging chaos to get an imperfect image tattooed onto me #so i might have to do some things to make it make me not insane. i asked for this bc i like causing myself problems. also i was in a #slightly altered state of mind when i asked lol but i stand by it haha. anyway. idk things r just annoying and hard rn as i knew they would #b. and im good at catching myself before things get dangerous but it sucks that i feel like a ticking time bomb of destruction. ugh. #unrelated

[mrpsychokiller]

i seriously need to kill myself so bad

#im fine im fine dw #just. fuuuuuuuuuuuck man fuckkkk. why do i need to feel literally so miserable all the time #why does it have to be so hard always. why cant i have a single good day. why cant i chill for 5 minutes #i try so hard i try literally so hard to be a good person and to be happy because i have literally nothing to rely upon but myself #to control the like six mental disorders i have that i have zero support for #and i try i try to keep myself together but it always gets worse it always always gets worse #ugggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #im ok. im back again yayy im gonna reblog some posts to distract myself