#im trying so hard to fix myself

[mewtwo24]

Not to be That Guy but like.

Am I the only one that can't stop thinking about how Tianlang-Jun says about Luo Binghe that he pretends to be cold-hearted like his mother. The hint of fondness there, the heartache in that utterance.

Like it drives me absolutely insane. Imagining her putting on a front of strength, cold and driven and unrelenting. Why does TLJ say that about her. Did she secretly look for solutions that meant reconciling with demons instead of hurting them when her sect wasn't looking? (I wonder this because I feel like his weird fondness for SQQ would lowkey track if it's connected to the woman he once loved.) Did he mean that she was tasked with basically assassinating him and she fell in love with him instead (re: failed step one)? Did he mean that she was fond and doting in her own way (e.g. conceding he was attractive, paying for his exploits and humoring him)? Did he mean that, like LBH, she thought that power would be the thing to protect her--and that it was disguising a person who was deeply and privately wounded? All four????? I don't need sleep I need a n s w e r s

Did she know about the Huanhua Palace Master's skeevy ass intentions before she met TLJ? Or did those only come to significant light after she fell in love with TLJ? Is that why she never anticipated that level of betrayal, because initially she had no intention of being with anyone romantically? And HHPM just assumed she would be under his thumb forever?? Was she furious at her own indiscretion or did she try to use the pregnancy as a bargaining chip, a way to try to stop the immortals of Cang Qiong Mountain from attacking TLJ (plus the bonus of marriage entrapment no takesies backsies this is where LBH gets it from)? Did she try to use that claim on her to dissuade HHPM from his covetous advances, framing herself as tainted so that she could finally escape? Did she dream of a life by TLJ's side, far away from Cang Qiong Mountain?

Like. Literally every single permutation of what this could mean guts me to hell. Do you ever just cry about tianxi because I--[loud bawling noises]

#svsss #tianxi #tianlang jun #su xiyan #like this shit keeps me awake at night #i'm trying to put fic ideas together and every time i go back to that line i just #find myself trying to parse and hone out su xiyan's mannerisms/personality #zzl's descriptions help a great deal but i also love that they're limited in the sense that #1. zzl was clearly scared shitless of/disconcerted with her LMFAO #2. he was suspicious of her (as a cultivator fundamentally) and its fascinating that TLJ did not seem to share this suspicion at all #or one could argue tlj just didn't care beyond his attraction and glee being around her jkahglfdskjhsfkhjg #there is also the hilarious implication that part of what turned tlj on so much about sx is the fact that she could prbly kill him #tlj really said 'i love a woman who can and WILL kick my ass' #'none of that soft power seduction shit manhandle me or nothing' #like he always believed deep down--or at the very least wanted to believe--that she loved both him and lbh dearly #i'm not usually the fix-it fic type but the Way I Need To See Su Xiyan Destroy Huanhua Palace Master's Entire Life. #i just want sx and her boytoy to live happily ever after is that so wrong? #i also think of that person (im so sorry tumblr user i dont rmr who u are at the minute) that said there had to be trust between tlj and sx #because YES. ABSOLUTELY. I AGREE. AND I WANT IT FOR ME #don't mind me just the usual descent into madness anytime i think too hard about svsss #i need to outline damn you airplane and your refusal to expand on LBH's juicy ass backstory #ill never forgive the chinese (joke)

[sylvieserene]

Fixing history using the power of editing and my editing skills!!

For today we have, New Titans (1980) Issue #100

✨ Wedding Special ✨

@robstarblog @robstaryeah pinging yall just in case so that this doesn't get lost in oblivion (It'd be painful since I worked 5 hours non stop on it lol)

I think the most time was taken by the final panel and adding in the finishing touches since I pretty much had to change everything to the pixel level, quite literally lol (I'm serious, I did)

Welp I hope the results were worth it! And with that, another one gets a good ending!!

I kinda didn't add sleeves in the first two panels of the final page because it didn't look good and looked janky with how I was editing it so yeah please ignore that-

#teen titans #robstar #dick grayson #koriand'r #starfire #dickkory #Changing history #using the power of editing and my own skills! #giving the good ending to characters who truly deserve it #it took me 5 hours to complete all the editing to the miniscule level #i paid attention to every detail to match each panel #it took a lot of effort but it was worth it!! #but damn man there have been so little dickkory content that I really had to search hard to get myself a suitable pic to edit out of #we have a lot barbara content with dick but barely much with Kori honestly #anw hope this is nice #self editing #also #Donot remove my watermark while reposting otherwise I'll consider it as stealing >:( #dont steal #that damn priest took so much time to edit like holy cow #I really went above and beyond to get all the details right and consistent throughout #I let my perfectionist nature manifest #but yea #now Dick and Kori can have an uninterrupted happy wedding <3 #im so happy #I may try another one of these fixie thingies if I find anything^^ #this was really fun to work on #i fixed canon #but fuck the actual canon #cuz most comic writers cant even do just one job right

[traumadumpling]

Do you ever feel yourself slipping and pulling away from everyone but you don't have the energy to stop it?

#trying so hard to fix myself and be the person i want to be #but im tired

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

been doing some no pronoun doctor writing and it's fun to realise which expressions dont automatically have personal pronouns attached and which do

like, you can hug someone impersonally but taking them in your arms is harder. you cant shake your head impersonally, though you can turn that verb into a noun and then it works. you cant open your eyes or talk with your mouth full impersonally. you cant hide something behind your back or surprise yourself. you cant bite your tongue. and 'the doctor blames the doctor' means something slightly different than 'the doctor blames []self'

#whyyyy are my square brackets crooked #anyway so far most of the time theyre not that hard to work around #it's just fun to see #im still in the first draft so im just leaving in pronouns now when i dont want to slow myself down rephrasing #so it's just kinda random she/he/they now fgkgjhgj whenever there needs to be a pronoun #fix it in the next draft #i think the ones with -self feel the most difficult so far #dont know if they are actually #it's just the first time i was writing a sentence where i had one of those - mightve been surprise yourself actually - #i was just writing and then ended the sentence like '..................doctorself. ah. okay. yes. i see now' #i was like okay OKAY i get it. NOW i get it #the 'i do that!' doctor #now i see #fhgkjfhgjkh #we'll see how i solve this #i should try this in dutch sometime

[moving-to-dreamwinged]

my dad came in and saw me on the couch (for the first time all day and i had literally just sat down for less than a minute when he came in) w heating pad and immediately goes "you have two options" (different chores to do) (as if i was like 10 years old and getting punished for something that i didnt even know i did wrong). what about secret third option where you treat me like an adult or i don't come home for winter next year. Lol

#.mei chats #soryr really my family is. great i need to stpo complain #i just wish theyd realize that im not incompetent #i do a really good job taking care of myself for the entire 10 months out of the year that i dont live with them #and im proud of the independence ive developed bc i worked really hard to feel ANY sort of positive feelings about myself #but they just dont recognize it at all when i come back #trying to tell me how to microwave my food and reminding me of paperwork i have to do #Thanks i literally managed the entire program tasks myself for the last 6~months but yeah you better remind me about the medical forms #or else ill totally forget and mess up the whole thing :'333 bc im just so stupid!! thakn you soooo much for taking care of me!! #<- not like ive been hypervigilant and anxious about making sure i do every little thing with it perfect #in fact there was actually an issue w one of my forms bc they made me submit it even though i didn't think it was filled out properly. #they were like “itll be fine youre overthinking” guess who got an email 3 days later saying the form was completely invalid. #god just bottom line why cantthey trust me when i say im on top of it. fucking trust me this program is my entire life right now #i am putting literally eveyr ounce of effort i've got into not ruining it. they just dont see the improvements and growth ive made at all #so frustrating bc ive worked so hard to pinpoint and fix that specifically but what can ya do #god this got long. sawry #.not f/o related

[pekodayz]

and i lie mentally to make myself feel better but that just bites me in the ass oughhh

#i don’t wanna be a failure I’m petrified but i have been lazing around for 2 weeks like what the hell is wrong with me😭!!!!!! #graduated no. 4 out my class and I’m just sitting here on the toliet trying to cry one out for once omg #kinda anime🤓 nah. #i srsly need to fix myself. im being perceived by my own instructors prob. terrifying aughhh i rly hope they understand #im so sick eughhh and merch buying doesn’t even help I haven’t been able to enjoy it at all #this is so hard im scared but i need to do smth abt this now #i hate honors system. that can literally fuck so many students up im so serious #sorry i needed to vent somehow #hashtag embarrassing !

[silenthillbunni]

🚬🧸🧃🎀

#anyway so yeah im so sick of hating myself. of missing out on things and being too scared to go after things i want when i have the chance #so sick of almost being 25 and having spent almost 6 years alone in my room missing out on life #and my mom and sister might be moving in the not too distant future #so i have to try to get my life together for real now!!! or homelessness will be awaiting me :D #what i will try to do.. is start going to the gym (w my mom so i dont have to deal w the anxiety of an unknown place by myself sksk) #i'll workout 3-5 times a week. every week. i like going to the gym so if i just get started i dont have a doubt i'll not be able to do it #i'll focus on finishing my english class. hopefully in december even if i have the possibility to get it extended a few months #then i'll start my other 4 classes in january #i'll be patient and wait for my ultrasound and get the gallstone situation fixed (latest in january if i need surgery) #(and i have to try to make sure i eat properly so i dont wind up with b12 deficiency... i cant eat anything without pain but i have to..) #also i have an appt at the psychiatric in mid october. and im still waiting on what my healthcare center says. hopefully i can get cbt #if possible i will really really try to apply for jobs as a personal assistant sometime between january-may #if i have a job instead of being on wellfare i will 1) have way more money 2) not feel constabtly anxious abt being rejected and homeless #i'll stop caring abt me being 'old' and a late bloomer. the planet is dying. who cares if im 28 and start university???? #i'll take my time to finish high school. and the thing is i really should get a job before starting higher vocational education #bc the program i want to start i HAVE to have a laptop. and theres no way i can afford that now. cant even save up to it #also need to find and put myself up on waiting lists for student housing/apartments so i can actually move #i hate this city and i need to get the fuck out of here!!!! #but the world is crazy rn and it's super hard to find places to live and find jobs but it's not impossible so i need to try #i cant live like this & i have no idea how tf i'll manage to be a normal person and have a life but i need to try bc what else am i gnna do?

[watch-out-it-bites]

I believe I deserve a sweet little treat [He has done nothing important for the past week]

#i am so fucked #don't let them see this! #i could always go to the kitchen - Above the fridge ;-) #siiigh to have things i enjoy. the worst. ever. #i really dont wanna be god im so fucked but im so tired. and i dont want to be yelled at but i dont want to do anything #i feel like just. lying down and not getting back up. nap time. oreverrrr #i really wish i could live carefree doing whatever #guh. is it even worth it to try? #im just going to end up all. eugh. #sure. it was great last year. but uhghfhfhg so quiet and so hard and so. bluh. #i really dont wanna wake up on monday #so stressful all the time #im either stressed but enjoying and spending time with friends or stressed and alone but people are proud of me #maybe we should cut off interests for a while - it could fix hims stuff. #i wish i could focus #i dont know why so hard recently #uhhhghĥhhhhhhh #i dont think i deserve to sleep but im so tired but i need to work on things #god i want to kill myself - you can't!! youve taken too many vows to die now

[guinevereslancelot]

kept hearing weird noises in my room all night and at first i was sure it was just my cat then i got up to use the bathroom and discovered she was in the other room. strange noises continued. maybe my imagination but felt something tug my blanket a few times. cat in other room every time i got up to try to find out what was making the noises. if it was a creature of some kind i can't imagine the cat ignoring it? not that she would catch it despite mousing being her job but she would have been fixated on it? wondering if it was actually a creature in the crawl space but it def sounded like stuff in my room rattling around and stuff 🤨

#made it very hard to sleep so i got up an hour early for no real reason #i wanted maximum sleep and didnt have enough time bc i went to bed late #but since im starting my new job tomorrow i want to get myself out of bed at 6am in the future #and i was trying to fix my sleep schedule by allowing myself the extra hour but still getting up at 7 today #but simply was too awake at 6 so got up #i will probably regret this later #but maybe it will get me to go to bed earlier tonight thus fixing the sleep schedule instantly #anyway #not going to sleep well for new job if there's a creature in my room all night making noises tho :( #possibly this has happed before and i always blamed kitty but this time i Know she was innocent #she was literally alseep in her hammock in the other room every time there was a sound #i kept getting up to check once i realized it wasnt her #i hope its not a mouse but idk what creature it could be #??? #the two cats and dog would surely notice and care if they were sharing a home with another creature #(the other cat and dog were accounted for at this time in my brother's room so they are also innocent) #anyway 😬

[bigothteddies]

adjusting your head away from algorithmically fed content drip feeds of dopamine and scrolling addiction is so fucking hard

#unimportant thoughts #constantly comstantly trying to fix it #i used to read more #i used to write more #i used to have so many projects id work on #i used to watch so many tv shows and movies #and i dont anymore. #did you know when i was a kid #i just…deleted my instagram one day #i no longer wanted it #anyways. #need to get back on my shit for this. #i’m actually pretty decent at catching myself and realizing im not doing something good #but im horrible at picking what to do next #my brain is so wired for easy dopamine instead of ‘hard’ ways to get it #i think i just need like. a few weeks of social media deleted off my phone #so i can force myself to get back to doing the things i sctually like doing #instead of playing on my soulsucking dataharvesting brainrewriting phone every spare minute

[snailune]

wiki how do I stop spiraling about my life once every 2 weeks I'm getting sick of it

#personal #i just want to make things so bad #it hurts to even look at something anyones made bc im not doing it #i started so late and its still so hard. i got months without doing anything bc im just exhausted from daily life #if i spend more time with my girlfriends i feel like im closer to them but then i have no time for art #if im making something im spending less time with them #and i like my job so much. i really do. i even considered just saying fuck it and going into library sciences #but i still come home barely able or willing to talk sometimes. and i dont know how to fix that #and i feel so unfulfilled and extremely lonely even tho i have friends #but i can barely get myself to draw or write even when i have so many ideas #i feel so uncomfortable in my body and so tired of trying with therapists and doctors #all of it makes me so anxious i feel sick #so Frustrated i feel dizzy. and then i still cant do anything!!!! #i dont want to live here anymore i just want to be with everyone else. but everyone is moving away or planning to. us included #but no one in the same place. it makes me so sad #i dont know what to do or how to do it when i dont have motivation to do the bare minimum #maybe i just like torturing myself by thinking i can do the things i want instead of aceepting i cant. :/ cringes #for anyone that has somehow read this far ill be ok in like 20 minutes im just having a moment dw. im fine. will handle it like an adult #and not spend to much time thinking about this

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#i spend so mad god damn time bitching on this website. its bc i dont talk to ppl. whens the last time i had a non functional conversation? #uuuuhhh last weekend or maybe the weekend before that? so like i gotta complain somewhere. so if i stop complaining u can assume i made #friends lmao. ugh. its just. im worried. im worried abt how this semester is gonna go. how this phd program is gonna go #bc i spent the last 2 years destroying myself. realized ive gotta stop doing that. haven't figured out how to stop and now im gonna triple #the amount of pressure im under while trying to do things in a more healthy way. its just like. it objectively doesnt seem like a formula #for good things to happen. im more worried for how catastrophic its gonna b on my brain than i am abt the things i think most ppl would b #concerned abt. like im not worried abt planning and executing a project or teaching beyond fear of the unknown #its like. ive done these things before. theyre difficult but u make due and tackle the problems. but when it comes to: how to maintain a #healthy school/life balance? i dont even kno where to start with that. i just dont bc when u have a learning disability things just take #more time but like how much time is too much? where does it end? i dont kno how to manage it and i dont wanna hate my project by the end #of this. i want to b excited and not paralyzed bc im afraid i cant change my behavior and its gonna kill me #and im worried bc im meeting with my advisor for the 1st time since march before i agreed to join thr lab and have i prepared for this #project which is almost complete unrelated to what i did in my last lab? no bc ive been managing data and im still not done managing data #bc i cant focus bc i collected that data in a way that was actively self destructive. and i mean i kno itll b fine. thr guy seems nice i #just hate that im showing up devoid of enthusiasm bc its all been drowned out by the fear. and thats also gonna make teaching a problem #bc its hard to b excited abt things when there's a hole in your chest and ur desperate for someone to tell u how to fix it. but idk helping #ppl does usually make me feel better so maybe itll b a good thing. forgot how much i feel like im dying when i sit in meetings and #classroom tho lol. god its been 2yrs since i was a student. classes feel like such bullshit now. and yet if i dont get all As i might die #my students better b good. i have the 1st lab section bc thr lead ta couldnt do that time. so im the trial lab and i start fucking Monday #who tf does labs the 1st week of class? ugh. also its an intro bio so like 2/3 of thr class r freshman. lil bby 18yos and some r non bio #majors. and ive been warned that sometimes there r problems with ppl who don't believe in evolution and cause problems. pls let my classes #b good. im not that worried. its just gonna b annoying as fuck. im not good at being authoritative #ugh. i should b reading papers so i dont look like too much of an idiot tomorrow. itll b fine im just an anxious freak. a lil over a week #until i can try to find a therapist. probably seek medication bc i dont kno how else to stop this bullshit. annoying. i grew up with a dad #who gets anxious abt the idea of taking too much medication when he tskes a single ibuprofen. in this household we feel pain and then we #die miserable. this is all his fault. we have the same brain.im just a lil more irradidic than him #its so funny i say that bc im like the least irradic person ever. i do the same things every god damn day. im just irradic in terms of #sometimes i feel like my brain is on fire and im a cry bby lol #whatever. enough bitching. ive got papers to read. or maybe ill just go to bed and read them tomorrow 🙄 #unrelated

[tokyoteddywolf]

22 isn't very much at all, I think.

#5am rambles #anyways ignore this as per usual im just thinking in a post that i'll delete soon. i just worry and writing it helps. #you ever wonder when you'll “grow up'? and then realize youre not even fully grown? #that theres still more to learn in life and that the mistakes you make are just that? mistakes? #that you are still so very very young in a world that is so very very old? #im almost 23. barely a quarter of my lifespan. im still a child in a way- my brain not fully formed. #you ever wonder how many mistakes you can make before you figure something out? #I dont know much of anything really. that's the sad part. and the adults who were supposed to help me learn... didnt. #i was failed. and now im a failure. at almost not quite 23 years old. Maybe i wont be a failure in another few years. #i still have a while to go before I die. I'm not going to waste time thinking about it. im just going to try my best. #I have time. I can learn. Grace and patience are not endless but damn if i dont try to figure things out #first step though is meds and therapy tho. we're done with the pity party. some things you just have to accept are okay #cuz my whole life i was taught that being emotional is a weakness. its pathetic and stupid to be upset or angry about anything. #any time i wanted to show i was upset or angry i was 'wrong'. i was 'selfish' and 'dramatic' #so i suppressed and pretended i was fine. that i wasnt weak and pathetic. that i was good and not an annoyance or burden. #i am not weak. i am not pathetic. i am fine i am fine i am fine you dont need to worry about the inconvenience at your door. #sometimes the shame is so much that i cant look at myself or even think i deserve help. that therapy is for people with real problems. #that i feel like ill just be told im like this for attention or dramatics. that im such a disappointment and selfish too. #ive been a “problem” my whole life to the point i dunno if i CAN be fixed. that anxiety eats me alive every day. #therapy is supposed to give you methods to cope #i dunno if it'll work though. I forget my appointments a lot. i struggle to talk sometimes. i may be autistic but its hard to get diagnosed. #emotions are so hard to figure out.

[britneyshakespeare]

I love drawing in charcoal because when you're in the beginning of a work, instead of looking like something reasonable it's perfectly acceptable and natural for them to look like this

#does that look like anybody you know #tales from diana #(c'est moi) #i was trying to redraw brian protheroe (the same pic of him as edward iv i sketched roughly--and p badly--last month) #in charcoal. bc my mom got me charcoal PENCILS for christmas instead of sticks of vine #which were what i really needed. i dont like to use pencils hardly at all #it was an utter failure. i started off by just trying to do the basic contours of his face + neck + the crown #and then after about 20-30 minutes when i had an ok start i was like ill take a break to refresh my head #went away from it for like an hour. and was like why dont i just try it w the vine #i thought i would improve it. and i suppose i could've if i had REALLY tried #but i was exaggerating the proportions and making the worse while trying to fix them. everything got larger #and i was essentially erasing EVERYTHING i started with while i was trying to even them out #so i just gave up. lol #a girl has learned to quit while she's ahead. and she learned the hard way. #but i wasn't happy to just leave off that drawing a failure wo any plans to do something else #so i went looking through my photos on my phone and found a pic from nov. 2022 that i was going to use #as a reference pic for a figure drawing assignment that i was going to use. but my professor allowed me to draw #my grandmother instead of myself. so i never did that dramatic self-portrait assignment. i did a dramatic grandmother portrait #but i did like the dramatic-lighting picture i took of myself well enough and figured i would draw it someday #im just leaving this as a started picture for now. this wasnt much work at all maybe like 15 minutes #it's an ok start. #bc of the fucked up nature of forming a charcoal drawing i have to admit i usually like my progress pictures more than my final works. lol #like they just have a sort of monstruous edge to them. lol

[evisxerate]

Once again totally blown away by the power of visible mending and DIY. I love you patches I love you handsewing I love you crust pants I love you hand-me-downs I love you preserved memories I love you crustpunk

#+ saving money and shit there are so many benefits #i feel so deeply deeply fulfilled and amazing when im wearing things ive patched #lately almost all of my outfits have been patched in some way and it feels so good #like giving myself a hug #and im about to try to fix our comforter and my old backpack from high school #both things i thought id have to throw out eventually but i know for a fact i can make these last #and i genuinely love how much money i can save while doing this. i dont rly feel the need to buy new things #when i can just fix them to be what i want #like lately ive been able to just. rip the sleeves and legs off things to make them wearable again #and every time i think abt all this or im wearing a bunch of it or when im sewing i just feel so full of love i wanna cry and explode LMAO #wish the sewing part wasnt so hard on my body but 🤘😔 its worth it usually #diy punk #roach.txt

[sampilled]

dress i ordered for my uncles wedding didnt fit, might kill myself

#tw ed #<to be safe ig. vent in tags #ohhhhhhhhhhhhh #im so upset about this i could actually cryyyyyyyyy #i have ruined my body #and now i just have to fix it on my own as well #trying to improve my relationship with food and get better from BED #at home #with only youtube videos and tiktok dieticians to help #i might actually kill myself #ive been trying so hard to be positive about this but idk if i can keep it up :| #i tried to talk to MORE THAN ONE mental health professional about it but they all shut me down cuz they were clearly uncomfortable with it #which... whatever im a big girl but why become a therapist if you cant deal with such a common issue WHATEVER #i am eating healthier and im more active than ive been since i was like 13 and its showing #just very slowly #which is good cuz fast weight loss doesnt last and im trying to like meaningfully change and stuff #butttttttttttttt iam going to be fat for the next 2 years at least #and thats with no setbacks and it just feels like :( like sad face emoji #i am going to be fat at my uncles wedding that i DONT want to go to i dont have anyone to bring as my plus one #and i hateeeeee my cousins and im DEPRESSED #but i dont wanna take antidepressants and i WONT #and i feel sick and anxious all the time and ive lost 40lbs but im still FATTTTT #because i fucked myself #i literally used to eat til i threw up #5000 calorie binges every other day and it has lowkey ruined my body fr #not jsut in looks like yea im over weight but in so many other ways too #it wrecked my confidence and im still young enough that my health is mostly fine i just know everything would #easier if i had never done it #and then tried stupid shit to UNDO it like brotherrrrrr yoyo dieting is NOT the move #starving yourself for days then binging is not the moveeeeeee