#imm gonna stop posting i swear

[saijbergman19-blog]

I love you Christine....I miss you to...and I know if you gave me another chance you wouldn't regret it I'm still here...I still want you....I'm still waiting..I think about you all day everyday, your my biggest motivation the biggest thing pushing me in my life to better myself to get jobs to make money to fix the shitty parts about myself to be a better person for the both of us and I've come so far and all I want is you to see how much I have changed and how much I mean everything I say about you, you are the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I still care so much I hate everything that happened and it kills me I can't do anything to fix it or repair our bond....but the longer this goes on I feel you fading more and more, we don't talk anymore at all directly we just wright messages on posts now and I feel it's just getting to the point you are probably gonna stop communicating all together I wish I could show you how much I'm dedicated to you...I'd do anything for you I wish you would just come home...we could be really happy together...I'd spend every second of everyday just tryin to make you smile, I'm so afraid this is the end of us I'm so afraid you'll never leave him I'm so afraid I'll never see you again I'm so afraid that your just gonna stop making posts I'm just so afraid I'm gonna loose you the rest of the way....I want so much for you to be a part of everything in my life people keep catching me staring at my sides when I walk or sit down or empty chairs in the room of the barn and ask me what I'm staring at.....I never answer but it's not what I'm staring at...it's what I'm not staring at I'm looking at my empty sides or empty chairs because I'm trying my best to just picture you in the room or next to me in bed or anywhere I go...I still light my bowls half way leaving a green hit for you but you aren't there to take it I still sleep on my left side clutching a pillow wishing it was you wishing I could smell you and have your hair in. My face---(Even though I used to complain about it)---I loved it and I miss it I hold you so close to my heart thinkin about you and us and all of it is pretty much the only thing that still brings me true happiness but at the same time it also makes me sadder then I've ever been because I want to be with you so bad jelly bug....I read our old texts before my phone shut off all the time and I cry and I laugh and smile but then after the joy passes I'm left with the crippling emptiness that you aren't here still making me laugh and smile and then I cry and I cut a lot now...it's become a therapeutic addiction....I'm not sure I can stop at this point it would take a lot to stop my self harm my arm is a mess...but I have grown a lot sense we separated in a lot of good ways but I still eat myself alive for being the cause of you running away from me and giving up on us and your love for me and any hope I would be with you I can't forgive myself and I can't stop the cutting it's my only true escape the only time I truly go numb and it's a form of punishment for me and therapy....it hurts to even be telling you about it...but most likely if we ever met up in person again I'll probably have scars...and I'm so sorry for that :( I know that hearing about the fact I cut a lot now a days is gonna hurt you....I'm sorry I don't want to hurt you that's the last thing I want....but with out you I'm so unhappy I mean I try so hard to be positive and be happy but like I said I think about you and all our wonderful beautiful times together and I feel so happy but then your absence breaks it down and then it's just back to sadness I've come so far though...I wish you were proud I wish you could see it and I wish all my effort meant more idk how much it means but I wish It was enough to make you wanna give us another chance...I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND I'M SO SORRY FOR EVERYTHING BAD I EVER PUT YOU THROUGH....my parents miss you Caleb misses you jordan and indira wish they met you they always say you sound so wonderful when I speak about you...I want you to know I haven't given up on you Christine...I'm still right here and I'm beyond ready for us..I haven't given up on us....I'm still waiting for you...I need you in my life I need your love more then I need breathing until I met you I never felt I had a reason to be alive and I'm being dead honest I always wanted to die but when I met you you made me wanna be alive just to live for meeting up to hang out back during freshman sophomore year yes I was dating Leanne at the time but I still dealt with suicide and lots of me wanted to die despite being with her but when I met you that all stopped I no longer wanted to die at this point I wanted to see what would happen next for the first time in my life I was actually wanting to see what would happen next and I love what happened next we grew closer faster then I've ever attached to someone and I know I've told you this before but I was in love with you by junior year I tried to suppress it because I didn' realize at the time that I was in love with you and even back then I didn't feel I was good enough to be with a girl as perfect as you are I tried shutting you out and it was the hardest fucking thing I ever did during our 6 years together and it only took 2 months for me to finally break and text you and ask to meet up and that I missed you and I was sorry and that I should have tried cutting you out of my life and you were so happy and told me you had been waiting for this an missed me to and we met up and I almost cried i was just so happy to see you after avoiding you in the hallways at school and actually stop and look at you instead of avoiding eye contact we met up on the trail behind the hospital and walked back to my place and had a really good day and we only continued to grow closer....everything in our lives points us to be together but I tried to fight it and now you are fighting it and I just hate it so much because we are so meant for each other and I'm so in love with you like oh my god Christine you really have no clue at all....by senior year I finally told you I had feelings when you got with Chad I told you I couldnMt Stand you with someone else that I wanted to be the only one you wanted and you gave it to me for as long as you could....I never gave in to you to us....I don't blame you for wanting to look for love and happiness outside the house outside of me....I understand I drove you to feel for someone else I just wish me making all this effort and working so hard to change and better myself an prove to you I mean all these things I say....I just wish you would understand that only reason I ever held back was because I was afraid...I've never felt like this about someone and if you had left me after I had actually givin myself to you completely and made our relationship a real one I would not have been able survive loosin you I think the only two reasons I'm alive today is specifically because we never took things to the next level and the fact I'm trying and hoping so hard I can win you back....because there is nothing in this world I want more then you, I feel like I'm probably just saying way to much you wrote tiny little messages and I always just pour my heart out and I feel like it just makes you want me less and see me as still to unstable to be with idk....but I want you to know I didn't ignore your posts these past two days I have post notifications turned on for your tumblr so it instantly goes off and tells me when you post and it took me two whole days to get the nerve to open up tumblr and read what you said my anxiety goes out the roof when I get a tumblr notification about you.....I get so scared that your gonna say something like....I don't love you anymore or don't talk to me anymore or like idk just stop making posts I'm so afraid you are gonna be with Dustin forever and it just breaks my heart picturing you together all the time and I do that a lot....like I said I eat myself alive it consumes my thoughts I saved that picture of you and him everytime I see it I feel sick idk why I keep your picture with him but I do.....it's stupid I know...I just wish I was worth your time and worth giving another chance to...I still walk by your moms house constantly I still go on trail walks I still go to all our favorite spots I still cry all the time about you I still want you and I'm still here waiting for you to come home...he could never love you like I do if he even really does feel for you at all I love you more then I'm capable of loving anything there is nothing I wouldn' do for you and I mean that I'll never be able to love another girl....my hearts always going to belong to you and if I have to spend the rest of my life alone with your ghost in my heart and in my memories then fine I'd rather spend the rest of my life with you in my head in our old bedroom at your moms then try to find peace love and happiness in another girl who wonmt ever compare to you after you every girl is just so fucking boring and plain and annoying and there just simply not you....I guess I'm gonna shut up I'm rambling on and on again and I'm sorry I really donMt mean to do this the only thing I wanted to say was a response to your messages and I said I already but Imm gonna say it again I miss you to beautiful...and your the only thing on my mind every single day and I know that sounds like bullshit because a lot happens in a day I can't be thinking about you every second of the day no Matter who I'm with or what I'm doing right? No....literally I swear to god this is true I literally think of you every second of every day no matter who I'm with or what I'm doing whether watching tv playing video games readin a book hanging with people smoking or singing it doesn't matter what it is your still there in my head I think about you so much I fantasize so much I reminisce constantly and I've started writing songs about you as well, pretty soon I'm gonna start actually like recording songs and making them official songs and posting them as well...I have so much I want to say but never can....I always feel I'm bothering you or intruding and making it harder for you to let go because I feel you want to let go most the time because you left for someone else but again I try being positive and hopeful this is just temporary and will be one of those things where we will be on those couples who talk about how they had to be apart to make it work together and be together later on for the long run....I want nothing more then for this to just be a small phase and bump in our relationship I have days where I feel very good about that and that you'll come back to me and we will be happy and everything will be ok and we will spend our lives together...other days I'm bleeding in bed and can't help but feel this is truly the end no matter what I do it'll never be good enough for you to come back and give me a chance and that I'm just wastin my time and I'll be better off dead and you just want me to go away....ugh...ok I'm gonna stop now all I wanted to say was that I miss you to and same goes for me I never have a single day where I don't think about you or my love for you and I love you more then anything I love you so damn much jelly bug....I'm always gonna love you FOREVER AND ALWAYS I promise. ❤️