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#immortal jaskier
currentlyonstandbi · 2 months ago
i do not want the show writers to correct jaskier’s lack of aging during season 1 okay, i want them to either a) NEVER bring it up, just keep acting like it’s completely normal or b) have him be immortal. that’s it.
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pillage-and-lute · 7 months ago
its technically a little late now for my weird headcanon wednesday, but im not quite done.
Witchers are basically immortal until killed, right? (just let me have this one) Thats a long time and can get lonely, so they get one vial each of a life increasing potion. It’s intended for pets, so Geralt and Eskel used theirs on Roach and Lil Bleater respectively then forgot all about it.
Lambert looked at his and said “how can i cause the most drama with this” so he waited. 
Then Geralt brought home a bard. 
Lambert gives him the potion and Jaskier, once it’s explained, is happy to be a lab rat and source of drama.
It’s been fifteen years but Lambert is sure Geralt will figure it out any day now.
(Vesemir used his on a battered and ugly old tom cat that wanders the halls. He says he hates it and wants it gone but on afternoons he can be found fast asleep in his chair in front of the fire with the cat curled up on his chest. He calls it Oy. As in “Oy, you! Don’t do that!”)
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the-ineffable-arvari · 6 months ago
The Mysterious Case of Jaskier's Immortality
Word count: 3601
“So nice to see you again, Yennefer,” Jaskier says, putting on one of his many fake smiles.
“Jaskier,” she replies with a smile that almost looks genuine but Jaskier is pretty sure that it’s not. Which she confirms a few seconds later by saying: “Shouldn’t you be dead already?”
“I see you’re as kind as always, my dear. But don’t you worry, Geralt is doing a very good job when it comes to protecting me.”
“Hm,” Geralt sighs resignedly, clearly regretting his decision to spend the night in an inn instead of the middle of a forest.
To be fair, it was Jaskier who suggested it, claiming that he refused to be eaten by angry drowners, no matter how many times Geralt tried to explain to him that the probability of finding a drowner in the middle of a very dry forest is extremely low.
If Jaskier knew they were going to run into Yennefer in the inn, he would have risked the drowners.
“I don’t doubt that,” Yennefer smirks. “But seriously, how old are you, bard?”
“No idea. I stopped counting after fifty, I think.”
“You know, you don’t look fifty,” she says.
“Oh, well, my mother had an elf lover before I was born, so there’s a fifty-fifty chance that I’m not gonna age anytime soon. Sorry,” Jaskier smiles again, sweetly – and this time, it’s genuine.
“As if,” Geralt grunts.
“I’m sorry, dear?” Jaskier blinks.
“Come on, Jaskier, it doesn’t work like that. You’re a viscount, that means your father must have been a viscount, too.”
“You don’t know much about nobility, do you, Geralt?” Yennefer snorts.
“Hm,” Geralt grunts. “Still, he’s not a half-elf.”
“Let me guess, you’re a Witcher, therefore you could smell it if I was? I hate to break it to you, dear heart, but you’re going to have your nose checked.”
“You’re not a half-elf, Jaskier,” Geralt repeats. “You’re not immortal, you just… look young.”
“Yeah, right, you got me,” Jaskier shrugs. “I just look good because I moisturize. Happier now?”
“Much,” Geralt nods. “See? You can be honest if you want.”
“Yup,” Jaskier nods. “Honesty personified. Now please excuse me, I need to go and moisturize some more. Internally. With ale.”
“I’m actually a mermaid, you know?” Jaskier grins the next time he’s asked, this time by a very confused and very old Valdo Marx.
“A siren, Jaskier. Not a mermaid,” Geralt sighs, praying to Melitele to give him strength. “And you’d know that, of course, if you actually were a siren.”
“Just so you know, the term siren is actually quite offensive to my people.”
“You mean idiots?” Geralt chuckles. “You’re not a siren, Jask.”
“Can you prove that I’m not?”
“Well, last week you tripped and fell into this creek that was like… knee-deep, and you nearly drowned.”
“I was in shock!” Jaskier proclaims dramatically. “But I have a proof that I am, or at least could be a siren.”
“What proof?”
“Well, my lovely voice, of course!”
“Not as lovely as you think it is,” Valdo Marx snorts.
“Come on, Jaskier,” Geralt sighs, ignoring the old troubadour. “You have much better voice that any siren I’ve ever heard.”
“Geralt of Rivia!” Jaskier gasps, clutching his chest. “Was that a compliment?!”
“Fuck,” Geralt mutters. “I didn’t mean…”
“Really though, Jaskier,” Valdo says. “How?”
“That’s a secret I’ll take to the grave, I’m afraid,” Jaskier grins. “Once I manage to reach it.”
“Keep on with the bullshit, Jaskier,” Geralt growls, “and you can reach it tonight.”
“Fifty years traveling with him, and he still thinks he can scare me. Cute, isn’t he?” Jaskier laughs. “Oh, Geralt you could never.”
“Try me.”
“All right, I’ll tell you my secret,” Jaskier winks at Ciri, who lifts an eyebrow. “I’ve got this neat… magic ring.”
“Hmmm,” Ciri observes. “Looks like a normal signet ring to me.”
“Well… Yeah, well, it looks like it, all right, but actually–”
“Jaskier, I was born a princess. This is clearly a Pankratz family signet ring.”
“Damn,” Jaskier groans. “Like father like daughter, eh?”
“Sorry,” Ciri shrugs.
“I got myself cursed.”
Triss Merigold lifts an eyebrow.
“Somebody cursed you to live forever, is that so?” she asks and her voice is almost dripping with disbelief.
“More like cursed me,” Geralt murmurs.
“Oh, shut up, Witcher, you know you couldn’t live without me,” Jaskier smiles brightly, and Geralt has to bite his cheek to stop himself from smiling back.
“Hm,” he says instead.
“Eloquent as ever,” Jaskier nods.
“Would you like me to...” Triss clears her throat. “You know, try to lift the curse?”
“No!” Geralt yells before he can stop himself.
“See?” Jaskier beams. “You could never live without me!”
“A bruxa,” Jaskier repeats to a young man who claims to be his son, but looks older than his supposed father.
“You’re not a bruxa, Jaskier!” Geralt whines.
“Excuse me, and how would you know?”
“Because I’m a fucking Witcher?!”
“Well, you’re clearly a fucking horrible Witcher if you haven’t noticed until now!”
“I think I’d notice if you tried to sneak out of the camp at nights to feed,” Geralt comments, crossing his hands. “You can’t even sneak out to take a piss, Jask.”
“Maybe I do that on purpose!”
“Besides, bruxae are mostly women.”
“Mostly being the important word here.”
“Fuck’s sake, Jaskier. You won’t even eat a piece of meat if it’s not so well-done that it’s almost cremated.”
“Do you know how disgusting the blood is, Geralt?!” Jaskier groans, and then immediately blinks when he realizes what he just said. “I meant…”
“Case closed,” Geralt nods, satisfied.
“Oh, dear,” Jaskier mutters. “I fucking hate you sometimes.”
“Uhm, my lords, if I may,” the young man says.
“Hate to break it to you, kid, but if you’re aging like a normal human, you’re probably not my son,” Jaskier shrugs. “Sorry. I get it why your mum might be confused, though. It was quite a night, with at least four–”
“And that’s enough,” Geralt says, grabbing Jaskier by the collar and pulling him away from the man. “You know, lifting the curse seems like a good idea now.”
“There isn’t really a curse, Geralt,” Jaskier laughs.
Geralt sighs, his lips curling into a tiny smile that Jaskier cannot see.
“Thank fuck.”
“You see, we were in a crazy mage’s tower and I saw this bottle and I thought it was slivovitz, so I drank it, but it seems that it actually was some sort of an immortality potion,” Jaskier explains to a lady at the ball, whose grandmother he’d apparently fucked once, when said grandmother was still a young, unmarried woman.
Geralt only blinks, because it’s the first truly plausible explanation for Jaskier’s mysterious immortality.
“Oh, that must be so horrible to watch everyone you love die!” the woman nods enthusiastically. “Perhaps you’d like to tell me about it in private?”
“Of course, my dear…” Jaskier smiles. “Just… wait a second. How old is your mother?”
“Forty-seven, why?”
Jaskier’s lips are moving silently for a few seconds while he counts, and then thy turn into a wide grin.
“No reason, dear,” he says, offering her his arms. “Shall we?”
When Jaskier and the lady flee the ball, Geralt pulls out his flask of White Gull and pours its contents into his empty tankard.
So, a potion…
“There is no such thing as an immortality potion, Geralt,” Yennefer shakes her head.
“How can you be so sure?” Geralt asks. “Maybe this mage really did find a way to at least make the human life longer!”
“And why would he do that?” Yennefer scoffs. She has been doing that a lot since she finally ended their relationship for good about twenty years ago. (He later found out that she had left him for none other than Triss Merigold, but Yennefer still doesn’t know that he knows, and he’s having way too much fun with it to break the fact to her. So right now, he is pretending he doesn’t notice that Triss is eavesdropping on their conversation behind the door leading to Yennefer’s bedroom, and that he absolutely believed Yen when she claimed that the loud thud a few minutes ago was caused by a cat.) “We are immortal, Geralt, unless killed. There is no reason for any of us to make a potion that would make a human live forever.”
“Well, perhaps this mage fell in love with a human and wanted them to stay with him!”
Yennefer pauses, inspecting Geralt from head to toe and back again, and then she sighs.
“Oh, Geralt. Really?”
“Really what?” Geralt blinks, genuinely confused.
“Oh,” Yennefer murmurs. “Oh, no. Really?”
“Really what, Yen?”
“You mean you don’t… Oh, dear gods. Really?”
“Yen, I swear that I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Geralt grunts, frowning.
Yennefer rolls her eyes and tries counting to ten to calm herself down. She doesn’t even get to three before Geralt’s eyes go wide.
“Oh,” he whispers. “Fuck.”
“Fuck, indeed, Geralt,” she nods solemnly. “Fuck, indeed.”
“I found a djinn, he granted me a wish,” Jaskier says when Geralt asks him, about five minutes after his meeting with Yennefer. (He agreed to use a portal to get to the bard as soon as possible. A fucking portal!) The bard is sitting in a tavern and eating his dinner, utterly undisturbed by the sudden appearance of an angrier-than-usual Witcher.
“You never mentioned a djinn,” Geralt growls. “And after your last encounter with one, I sincerely doubt you’d engage with another.”
“You clearly don’t know me at all–”
“Besides, Valdo Marx, as far as I know, had an apoplexy while fucking a young student on his desk, and I don’t think you’d ever let him die like that if you had a choice.”
“You see, that was kind of a my mistake, since I didn’t specify the time and the circumstances of his apoplexy in my wish, so…”
“What was your third wish?”
“Pardon me?”
“Your immortality, Valdo Marx dropping dead, that’s two. What was the third one? And don’t even try to mention the Countess de Stael, since you’d have to dig her up first.”
“That was disgusting, even for you, you know that, Geralt?”
“How are you immortal, Jaskier?!”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”
“Try me.”
Jaskier puts a piece of bread in his mouth and grins.
“Maybe some other time, Witcher.”
“I am a fae,” Jaskier replies a day later.
“You’re not a fucking fae, bard.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because you fucking lie, Jaskier. All the time.”
“Fuck. Didn’t think of that.”
“You see, there was this artifact–”
Geralt closes his eyes, turning Roach around.
“Let’s consult Yennefer about this.”
“Oh, mother of…” Jaskier whines. “All right, no artifact, there was no artifact! Geralt, I’m telling you, there was no…”
“You’re not a succubus.”
“But it would be a perfect explanation, wouldn’t it?”
“You’re not succubus, because if you were, you’d know that a male one is called an incubus.”
“Oh, you and your stupid Witcher terms again.”
“You’re not an incubus, Jaskier, because if you were, I could never let you near Eskel.”
“All right… Explain, please?”
Geralt grunts.
“I’d really rather not.”
“A dragon,” Jaskier grins victoriously.
“No,” Geralt says, shaking his head.
“No,” Jaskier agrees with a sigh.
“You know you could just tell me the truth and be done with it, right?”
“Hm… No.”
“All right, enough is enough,” Jaskier growls that night in their rented room, tossing his doublet aside. “You’ve asked me three times today, Geralt. Why the sudden interest in my immortality?”
“As you said, enough is enough. You’ve been traveling with me for what, a hundred years?”
“A hundred and four.”
“Yes, and you still look the same as the day I met you in Posada!” Geralt growls. “And it drives me mad!”
“It wasn’t driving you insane for at least fifty years, so why the sudden change of heart?”
“Fuck off, bard. You don’t have to tell me. I don’t care.”
“But you do, Geralt,” Jaskier says, taking a step towards the Witcher. “Why?”
He’s standing in Geralt’s personal space, his chemise half undone, and he’s watching Geralt with those sincere blue eyes, and Geralt can’t fucking think…
“Because I love you, you idiot!” he snaps. “Because I fucking love you and I need to know if I can love you, or you’re gonna just drop dead one day without a warning!”
“Oh,” Jaskier whispers, his lips forming into a huge, happy smile. “Oh, fucking finally.”
“Fucking… what?” Geralt blinks, his arms suddenly full of an enthusiastic bard.
“I love you too, you silly Witcher,” Jaskier laughs. “I’ve loved you for a hundred years! Well, a hundred and four, but who’s counting?”
“You…” Geralt mutters.
“Silly, silly Witcher,” Jaskier repeats, pressing his lips against Geralt’s in a kiss that could be described as chaste, or at least the chastest Jaskier has ever been capable of. “We’re going to Lettenhove in the morning.”
“We are?”
“Oh, yes,” Jaskier whispers. “See, I’ve told you the truth about the source of my immortality once. But I think you need to see it to believe me.”
“Wait, you have? When?” Geralt asks. “Was it the artifact? Just tell me, I promise I won’t make you consult it with–”
“Shut up now,” Jaskier says, kissing Geralt again with way less chastity than before. “And in the meantime, believe me this – you can keep loving me, and I’m not planning on dropping dead anytime soon. Also, I’ve spent the last hundred years imagining fucking you senseless, so if you’re not opposed to the idea, perhaps we could, well…”
The kiss that this idea gets him is as far from chaste as one could possibly get.
And Jaskier definitely isn’t about to complain.
“You sure this is a good idea?” Geralt asks as they march towards the Lettenhove castle’s gates. He tugs at his doublet’s collar, way too tight for his liking. He’d much rather walk in there wearing his usual attire, but Jaskier insisted that Geralt must look presentable if he wants to meet his family.
It turns out that it only takes a single I love you to turn the bard into a manipulative bastard. Who would have guessed?
“Why wouldn’t it be?” Jaskier replies, grinning cheerfully. “And stop frowning, you’re gonna scare the servants, love.”
“How long it’s been since your last visit here, Jaskier?” Geralt says, his frown deepening. “Who rules Lettenhove now, hm? Aren’t you only going to be a distant relative, a great-great-uncle risen from the grave?”
“I sure hope not,” Jaskier chuckles, stopping in front of the guards by the gate. “Good afternoon, gentlemen. Viscount Julian, here to see the Viscountess Madeleine.”
“How can you still be a viscount?” Geralt blinks when one of the guards promptly disappears inside.
“We kind of decided to, you know, share the title,” Jaskier shrugs. “Seemed fair. Besides, father, well, the former viscount, insisted that I inherit the title, but he never mentioned anything about Mads not inheriting it, so…”
“How could your father have known who the viscount is going to be in almost a hundred years?”
“He really didn’t,” Jaskier chuckles. “See, it will all start to make sense once you meet her.”
“Yeah, that’s what I’m hoping for.”
The guard returns a few minutes later, telling them that the Viscountess will meet them in the garden.
Geralt, knowing a thing or two about nobility, think it’s a little weird, but isn’t about to protest. He only thinks he could have left the fancy clothes at the tavern.
“Oh, shut up, you,” Jaskier chuckles when Geralt voices this thought. “You look gorgeous.”
“I know. You’ve mentioned it a few times. But I didn’t have to look like that, because we’re going to meet the ruler of this land in a fucking garden, and–”
A woman in a long white dress throws herself at Jaskier, who happily catches her. Geralt’s first instinct is to reach for his sword, only to realize that he (luckily) left it in the tavern – because Jaskier insisted, of course.
“Madeleine,” Jaskier chuckles. “You haven’t aged a day.”
“Oh, yes. Shocking, isn’t it?” she laughs, pulling away from him, and for the first time, Geralt truly looks at her.
The woman is shorter than Jaskier, slim, and her dress is much, much simpler than Geralt would have expected considering the fact that is supposed to be a viscountess. She has dark, long hair and her face is so beautiful that it almost – but only almost – takes the focus off her pointed ears.
“Lady Madeleine,” Jaskier grins, “may I introduce Geralt of Rivia, my Witcher. Geralt, this is Lady Madeleine, the current ruler of Lettenhove and my younger sister.”
“You’re…” Geralt blinks.
“A half-elf, yes,” she nods. “Julian! You haven’t told him?”
“Hardly my fault. I really tried,” Jaskier shrugs. “But he just wouldn’t believe me.”
“So you brought him here to prove it to him, rather than to visit your beloved sister? You are a horrible, horrible sibling, Julian!”
“Your… sister,” Geralt mutters, all his thoughts speeding through his head, colliding and falling down, one over another.
“Yes, we definitely share a mother,” Jaskier confirms. “Most likely a father, too, and trust me, it wasn’t the old viscount. Madeleine got the elvish looks, I only got the non-aging bit. Well, apparently.”
“But…” Geralt blinks. “Your father. The title.”
“Yen was right, dear heart, you really don’t know shit about nobility,” Jaskier snorts. “But I admit that even though our dear departed noble father knew that Mads wasn’t his daughter, obviously, it never occurred to him that I might not be his true son.”
“But you don’t age!”
“In his defense, that only became clear after his unfortunate passing.”
“And you aren’t going to start to age anytime soon,” Geralt mutters. “You really aren’t.”
“Told you so, didn’t I?” Jaskier winks, letting go of his sister and wrapping his arms around his lover instead.
“I… I…” Geralt stammers. “Fuck.”
“Maybe later, love,” Jaskier smiles. “Madeleine, my dear, wouldn’t you say that my return calls for a feast?”
“Absolutely. In fact, I have started the preparations the second my spies informed me that you have crossed the border.”
“Oh, so we have spies now?”
“It’s really only a net of nosy old ladies, but it works wonders,” Madeleine laughs. “I must admit, though, that I was only planning a feast to celebrate you coming home, but now I see we have a much better reason to party. Tell me, brother, did you finally get your stupid Witcher?”
Jaskier smiles brightly, turning his head to Geralt.
“Yes. I finally got my stupid Witcher.”
“Party,” the Witcher in question growls. “Is that why you made me dress like a pompous prick?”
“No, that was because while I find your usual self extremely attractive, you still look much better when your hair is properly combed and you’re not covered in monster blood.”
“Hm,” Geralt hums, but wraps his arm around the bard to hold him close.
“Oh, yes, about monsters,” Madeleine says with the most innocent expression Geralt has seen since Ciri broke Vesemir’s favorite vase at Kaer Morhen. “You see, we have a tiny problem with a cockatrice…”
“Right,” Geralt nods. “I’ll go grab my armor from the tavern.”
“That won’t be necessary. I have already arranged for your things to be brought to the castle. And your horse,” she adds before Geralt can even open his mouth. “You can leave for your quest as soon as the servants get here.”
“So much for you not being covered in monster blood,” Jaskier sighs.
“Hm,” Geralt grins. “Lady Madeleine, I suppose you happen to have a bathtub somewhere in the castle?”
“Of course. In fact, there is a private bathroom right next to Julian’s bedroom.”
“Geralt of Rivia,” Jaskier purrs. “You know me so well.”
“Yes, and I expect to get to know you even better. In another hundred years or so.”
Jaskier laughs, pulls Geralt closer to him and kisses him.
“Another thousand years, I’d say.”
“What… the… fuck?!” Geralt croaks, staring at the smouldering remains of the cockatrice that would have surely killed him if Jaskier… If Jaskier…
The bard looks at his hands, then at the cockatrice, and then back at his hands again.
“Geralt? I have a feeling that I’m not really… A half-elf.”
“No shit.”
“I think I might be… Uhm…”
“Oh, shit,” Geralt whispers.
“I suppose, uhm, you know…” Jaskier stammers, wiping his palms on his trousers like he could wipe away the feeling of literal flames shooting out of them mere moments ago.
“Yeah. We’re gonna have to consult this with Yen.”
“Splendid,” Jaskier sighs. “Can it at least wait after the feast?”
“After more than a hundred years of you not even knowing, I think one feast will be fine.”
“Thank the gods. Madeleine would kill me if I tried to leave now,” Jaskier chuckles. “Let’s go, then. We need to get the fried monster remains out of your hair.”
“You’re… I was fucking right! You’re not a half-elf!”
“Yeah, you’re a great Witcher,” Jaskier nods, grabbing Geralt’s arm and dragging him away from the monster. “Didn’t notice I was secretly a fucking mage, but otherwise a great Witcher.”
“Explains a lot, though.”
“Does it now?”
“Yeah. I always had a thing for mages, you know.”
“Oh, Geralt. You’re such a fucking idiot,” Jaskier chuckles.
“Made you laugh,” Geralt shrugs, smiling.
Jaskier shakes his head.
“I’m so, so gonna drown you in that bathtub.”
“My love,” Geralt grins, “you’re more than welcome to try.”
Tagging @lottelorelei - I’m sorry I always forget to reply to your lovely comments, but believe me, they always put a big smile on my face! :)
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innocentbi-stander · 11 months ago
Increasingly Stupid Ways Jaskier Might Have Become Immortal
Jaskier is in fact half human, half… something else because his slut genes are 100% genetic from his mother and that’s great 
A side effect from the incident with the djinn
One day geralt was pissing yennefer off more than usual and she retaliated by secretly making jaskier immortal to annoy geralt forever
He once played a song for a group of random humanoid creatures that he invited to his campfire in the woods (because he has ZERO self preservation instincts) that turned out to be fae, and they were so pleased by his music they decided to make sure he’d be around to make it forever
That time he helped an old woman carry her increasingly concerning and suspicious looking groceries to her decrepit hut and she gave him ‘an eternal blessing’
He made a deal with the devil so that he could be young and beautiful forever (the money he saved on skincare alone was worth his soul)
The time he and geralt were investigating a rogue warlock’s tower and he found a potion that looked particularly delicious and decided to chug it all like a desperate frat boy
The period of time that part of one of geralt’s potions got mixed up with jaskier’s many perfumes and he unknowingly dosed himself with them for over twenty years into immortality
He once made a bet with valdo marx over who would age better and it’s a bet jaskier is determined to win 
Jaskier just decided to stop aging, so he did
Geralt once won a high stakes game of gwent and decided to get his bard something nice (immortality of course)
Roach is actually some kind of mythical being who was so pleased by jaskier’s constant treats that she granted the funny human immortality
Jaskier has actually died on several occasions and managed to charm the grim reaper into letting him come back
Jaskier accidentally swallowed an enchanted ring and is too afraid to tell geralt because he will never let him around small objects unsupervised again (there have been previous incidents)
Both geralt and jaskier share one single brain cell that roach is usually in possession of, and so neither of them notice that jaskier is in fact some kind of minor god until yennefer has o literally spell it out for them
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astralalmighty · a year ago
What if Jaskier is immortal because Geralt won him immortality during a game of gwent, but Geralt was shitfaced and his brain went, “Lets get my bard something he’ll like,” and thus Jaskier became immortal two towns away.
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artistsfuneral · 2 months ago
As long as Jaskier's respawn point is set he can't truly die. The problem is that his respawn point is the bed of whoever he last had sex with. The more pressing problem is that he officially started courting his witcher and hasn't had sex with anyone since. So the next time he dies, he wakes up on the other side of the country.
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lasmokingreblogger · 8 months ago
i cannot get over that there are people who WANT the show to "fix" jaskier not aging?? like. no! do not facial hair him!! don't do it!! don't suddenly make him age!!
best case scenario is that it's literally never addressed but interviews say it will be
i don't want him to age and i don't want it to be explained, but god if it's explained make it either funny or unreliable-narrator
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trashbaggage · a year ago
The Picture of Julian Alfred Pankratz
dicked and ditched the wrong person; cursed to remain youthful until true love’s kiss, at which point he will start to age rapidly :(((
dick too good to die - he’s slept with quite a few gods/goddesses and they wanna keep him in prime shape
unknowingly stumbled on a fountain of youth when he was wandering through some woods one day; he has no idea and never thinks to connect his suspiciously youthful looks with that lovely bath that one time
is the personification of chaos just here for a gr8 time; this greatly pisses yennefer off when she finds out
he’s like a shark - if he stops moving he’ll die; can’t stay in one place for more than a few months before he starts looking a little ragged
only has one very specific weakness that no one has figured out yet
emotional vampire
made a deal with death where they meet up once a year and jaskier has to entertain them with stories and hot goss for the entire night to renew his life subscription
actually a grim reaper
simply refuses to acknowledge the authority of time
body took a screenshot when he sneezed with his eyes open once - he’s actually died many times but he just keeps returning to that biological save point
he is the Beginning of all things and he will be their End when he gets bored please keep him enriched
as long as there’s one person still singing his songs he keeps on kicking
he’s eaten so many açaí berries. so. many. all the berries. his immune system is jacked. any form of disease or deterioration even looks at him funny and they’re immediately consumed by antioxidants
imaginary friend geralt accidentally called into being because he was so lonely :(
blood of his enemies face masks
exchanged his self-preservation instincts for immortality; when he fills up his ‘almost died again’ punch card the universe gives him a free smoothie and ages him one month; the smoothie is worth it
literally gave away his heart in a small posada inn
cheated in a game of cards against the fates and buried his thread of life deep where no one will find it
destiny’s pawn that keeps trying to circumvent her plans and break free but everything he does is like a self-fulfilling prophecy straight from a greek tragedy :(
is actually ebony dark’ness dementia raven way and everybody is in love with me and why couldn’t satan have made me less beautiful?? im good at too many things! WHY CANT I JUST BE NORMAL? IT’S A FUCKING CURSE!
is allergic to dying
(now with part 2)
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Have you ever written immortal Jaskier? I feel like I’ve read most of your stuff, but I don’t recall that? I’d love your take on it. I’m all for immortal Jaskier and Witcher Geralt ☺️
Oh gosh I’ve written immortal Jaskier a handful of times. In my longer fic “Thomas the Rhymer” he becomes sorta immortal. I also write him as a vampire and a Fae a lot... but this has me goofy so let’s do it again!!
Jaskier accidentally becomes immortal when he trips and falls into a witch’s cauldron on one of Geralt’s contracts.
The witch doesn’t know how it happened either, she was just making soup!
Our favorite pair of himbos figure it out when Jaskier is stabbed directly in the chest by a bandit and his first instinct is to punch his attacker in the face and yank the dagger out.
Geralt is both terrified and giddy.
1) cause now he can bang the bard and not feel sad about his forthcoming doom
2) shenanigans!
Jaskier becomes Ye Olde Deadpool
They put on an entire show for Yennefer, including Jaskier’s untimely and rather gruesome death at the hands of a wyvern
She does not speak to them for several weeks but she IS present at Jaskier’s bridal shower
So. Many. Wolf. Games. Are. Now. Bard. Accessible.
All those weird foods he couldn’t eat before because he was allergic/they weren’t human friendly? SCARFING.
Jaskier is having the time of his everlasting life.
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headcanonthings · a month ago
Geralt, finding out about Jaskier's immortality: I can't believe you didn't tell me!
Jaskier: Look, I should have told you. It's just that... not telling you was much easier for me at the time.
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pillage-and-lute · a year ago
A Gift Horse
“What, Jaskier?”
“How old is Roach?”
Geralt pulled up short, tugging lightly on the rains of the aforementioned Roach. He looked down at the bard.
“Why do you ask?” he said, gently urging Roach forward again. She huffed.
“Well,” Jaskier said. “Obviously I’m immortal, and obviously you’re basically immortal, and Yennefer, wherever she is, she doesn’t age. But Roach is a horse. At first I’d thought you just kept buying horses that looked as alike as possible, but that’s not it, is it? So Geralt. How long have you had Roach?”
“I got her my first year. As a new witcher,” Geralt ground out, eyes on the road.
“And she isn’t dead and little more than a sack of bones...why?”
What!” Jaskier yelped. “Oooh oh no,” he said, prancing in front of Roach, who stopped and looked at him, clearly bemused. “Geralt, I have to hear this story. A necromancer? Really? I didn’t know they existed. When?”
And, like a child in a strop, Jaskier sat in the dust. Right in the middle of the road. Geralt carefully trotted Roach around Jaskier, who leapt up, swiping dust from his pants and jogged alongside.
Geralt sighed.
“First year, a necromancer was terrorizing this village. I fought him.” He glanced down. Jaskier’s eyes were wide. 
“He killed Roach,” Geralt said. Jaskier’s eyes filled with concern. “So I killed him,” Geralt continued. “Nasty thing about necromancers, when they die, other dead things rise up and avenge them. Only dead thing in the area was Roach.” He reached down and ruffled her mane. She huffed approvingly. 
“She stood up, her wounds healed, and I thought I’d have to kill her or she’d try to kill me.”
Jaskier, still half jogging to keep up took in a tiny bit of extra breath. Geralt loved horses, all horses, and even if he hadn’t had Roach long at the time, having to kill her would have tortured him.
Geralt caught the concerned breath and offered Jaskier a hint of a rare smile. “She walked right over to the necromancer, and shit on his dead body.” 
Jaskier’s face froze a split second, then he laughed, full belly, head back laughter. 
They continued on their way.
“So she’s a zombie horse?” Jaskier asked.
“Sort of.”
They walked on in silence, then...
“Jaskier?” Geralt asked.
“What did you mean, ‘obviously’ you’re immortal?”
“You mean you didn’t know?”
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wizard-dragontamer · a year ago
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So you admit, he's immortal.
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darkverrmin · 5 months ago
jaskier sleeps till late and is tired all the time, geralt finds out he suffers from iron deficency. he tries to convince the bard to change his diet and to take his meds, which doesn't go too well.
so geralt looks for a potion to help cure jaskier's condition. he finds a recipe for one, accidentally mixes up one of the ingredients - and it turns out to be an aging process slowing potion.
jaskier takes it, it doesn't help his iron deficency, and they're both oblivious to jaskier not aging for the next few decades.
40 years later, eskel is staring at jaskier during dinner, realizing he looks exactly the same as he did when he was 20
Eskel: Jaskier, don't you think something weird is going on?
Jaskier: Obviously. Geralt makes me eat a bucket of dried fruit every day and I still feel like shit.
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innocentbi-stander · a year ago
okay so I just realized that in the picture of geralt for season 2, his potions are all strapped to his LEG?!
there are so many ways that this is a dumb decision that will end in disaster, try and prove me wrong
are you telling me that the second that chaotic witcher bastard does a little flip or gets thrown across the room, those potions WON’T all IMMEDIATELY fly out of his little harness and scatter all over the floor?
i’m just picturing geralt frantically trying to scoop up his potions while being attacked by an arch griffin
one time he throws himself on tree stump in a dramatic huff and there’s just a *CrUnCh* and jaskier starts laughing uncontrollably while geralt tries to pretend he didn’t just smash all of his potions by SITTING on them
by season 2 jaskier just has the potions strapped to him at all times because it’s not like he’s ever very far from geralt in the first place, and for as much as geralt is good at monster hunting that man does NOT know how to responsibly hold onto his life saving witcher potions
eventually vesemir just teaches jaskier how to brew all of the potions because at this point the bard exclusively handles them anyways
jaskier is very proud of this and declares himself the ‘Master of the Potions’ 
(there’s a straight week where he refuses to answer to anything other than that, it takes geralt two days to cave)
geralt pretends to be annoyed at how seriously jaskier takes his job as ‘witcher potion holder’ but secretly it melts his heart to see jaskier so delicately handling the bottles and painstakingly brewing replacements
all in all, geralt is a big softie witcher who is literally incapable of keeping his nice things, so they have to be trusted to his bard boyfriend who once ate a handful of rocks because he thought they were ‘very chewy nuts geralt, I swear!’
they’re so stupid but at least they have each other 
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rubbishsideblog · 4 months ago
Immortal Jaskier this immortal Jaskier that. I know y'all are afraid Geralt will outlive Jaskier but uhm... How do I tell you this? ... Maybe you don't have to worry about that. Yeah.
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artistsfuneral · 3 months ago
Anyone else have this idea where Jaskier is immortal, but like really immortal, so he lives past all of the witchers and then one day he stands in front of the ruins of KM and a pile of old stone is all that is left of his friends and family?
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mydarlingwitcher · a year ago
jaskier: so we've been friends for more than 22 years and-
geralt: wait
geralt, thinking hard: ...
geralt: it can't have been that long
jaskier: trust me, geralt, it has! time flies, am i right? but as i was saying. we've known each other for a while and it's time i told you the truth
geralt, thinking even harder: /what is it? fuck, he's dying. he's getting old and he's going to die soon. it must be that. but he looks so healthy! what do i do?/
jaskier: so that one time we went to that mage's creepy mansion i found some shiny vial labelled 'timeless'. and i thought: sounds great! so i drank the potion
geralt: what the fuck, jaskier
jaskier: just a sip or two, really. and now i think i haven't aged one bit in the last 10 years? neat, right? do you think that means i get to live longer?
geralt: * facepalms in sheer horror *
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trashbaggage · a year ago
his parents are actual gods and they literally grounded him and cut him off for shenanigans; it did not go how they expected, they thought he’d come whining back, not find himself a sexy little meal ticket
his parents are regular humans, but they had trouble conceiving; they find a djinn and make a wish for a healthy baby that will outlive his loved ones; everyone he has truly loved died in freak accidents, and he told himself he’d just stop loving people, but now he’s got his little found family to worry about oh god
clones? sure, fuck it, something with clones
he somehow got accidentally bonded to yen and became her familiar after the bottled appetites debacle, it takes them awhile to figure that one out
yennefer keeps complaining to tissaia about a certain bard, so tiss slips him a little something something so he sticks around and keeps yen humble
gets his power from breaking hearts and the only way to kill him is to break his :(
he’s constantly surrounded by these other banging long-lifers, his body takes one look at this gucci cullen family and just forgets he’s not Like That too
everyone knows about witcher schools, but there is a very secret place called xavier’s school for gifted bards; jask went through the trial of band camp and got some sweet mutations of his own
he uses the same moisturizer as sharon stone’s character in that awful 2004 catwoman movie that reverses the affects of aging; maybe he’s born with it maybe it’s beau-line
apparently, witcher semen has some.....unforeseen side effects with extensive and repeated use 😏
he’s actually a mage’s escaped experiment, well, i say mage, but victor never even finished his doctor mage training, he was a dropout with a god complex ugh
jask took one look at thicc thighs heart of tarnished gold and pretty eyes determination of forged steel and went, huh, how long do they live again? like, forever? cool cool cool. and then told melitele of his plight, who was like ‘oh yeah, sure sure, i get it’, and they made a deal: he gets a longer life if he spreads her name across the continent - she didn’t think it would be in the form of a curse, but he technically fulfilled his end of the bargain, melitele’s tits he’s crafty
died once, didn’t like it, decided not to do that again
this is jaskiers fantasy world we’re all just living in it (medieval matrix)
somehow acquired a cult following whose worship of him and his talents elevated him to god-like status
literal ray of sunshine - he’s old but still bright and hot like burning and if you look directly at him for an extended period of time your eyes start to hurt
struck by lightning in his mid-twenties and stopped aging
he’s a crossroads demon that tried to get geralt to make a deal, but geralt just thought he was a thirsty tagalong (which is not entirely incorrect) and jaskier is in too deep now, it’s a matter of pride and also feelings, yes he has everything under control please don’t send management up to check
time traveler that was booted from the flow of time for time crimes
roach is actually a magical being and jaskier became a favorite after all the treats and songs of her glory; one day while he’s braiding her mane, a silver apple appears on her saddle and he just. fuckin eats it, no questions. he’s been feeling great ever since
too much swag for the bodybag
he was a lute before a bored fae turned him into a Real Boy; whenever he lies you can hear the faint twang of lute strings - he’s gotten very good at speaking the truth at an angle
geralt says he’s not allowed to die
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