#imo i think it's stupid as fuck but hey

[ihopeinevergetsoberr]

Marry me again

Summary: You and Leon were forced to get a divorce two years ago due to his work constantly interfering with your marriage. However, despite the separation, the love between you both still runs deep. When you accidentally meet at a bar one late night, things quickly take an interesting turn.

CW: NSFW, Leon x Original Female Character, but technically still counts as Leon x Female Reader imo. Consensual Sex, Fingering, Vaginal sex.

WC: 11200~

i came up with the idea for this fic while roleplaying with a character ai bot. i would also like to warn you, that english is not my first language, so the fic might be written a little poorly to say the least lol. if you spot any mistakes (grammatical especially), any typos/misspelled words or if you have any advices for me in general: please let me know in the comments, i’ll be very happy with any criticism since this is my first fic in english. enjoy!

p.s. wrote this imagining leon from infinite darkness, i think he’s the best fit for this story.

She raised an eyebrow at the familiar low voice that echoed from behind her, the cigarette held firmly between her fingers. "Don't turn around, don't turn around, don't turn around," a mantra played on repeat in her mind, urging her to resist. Yet, she had already made up her mind. She knew, without a doubt, who it was. Despite everything that whispered against it, she defied the doubts. She pictured this happening too many times to just walk away.

Leon noticed the red polish on her nails and smirked. Apparently, such small details of her appearance, like this one, will forever remain unchanged. Even through the years. She turned around, her attentive eyes pierced right through him immediately, forcing his heart to skip a bit. She always had this "right into the soul" stare, he had to give her that.

It was their first encounter in two years outside the court. Their first encounter since the divorce.

"Hey," she whispered, a smile cracking across her face as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

His smile widened and a look of joy came over his face as he saw her, not quite able to hide the fact that he’d missed her. He then let out a breath and nodded at her. His eyes took in every detail, from her hair, to her nails, even to this small strand of hair out of its place.

“You look… fantastic, as always,” he told her, taking a few steps closer but still keeping a respectable distance.

She chuckled awkwardly at the statement, rolling her eyes at him. The wind caused that stupid strand of hair to stick to her cherry lip gloss, the same shade she used to wear when they were married. The same shade that used to stain white cups in their shared apartment, the collars of his shirts, and his lips and neck. A pleasant bittersweet memory made him bite his lip nervously. She was so goddamn pretty. And not his anymore. What a fucking shame.

"Well thank you, handsome," she returned the little compliment, getting the hair out of her mouth.

“I’m just telling the truth,” he assured her with a smile.

Leon wasn’t used to being called handsome, mostly because he didn’t really see himself that way. But it was nice to hear it, and it filled him with warmth. When she held the cigarette close to her lips — he finally realized that she wasn’t wearing her wedding ring anymore, and he felt a pang of sadness deep down inside along with the guilt, because he knew that it was partially his fault that they were divorced.

"So.." her eyes roamed over him once again with curiosity, a sigh escaping her lips. She took a drag on her cigarette, keeping eye contact, making Leon blush even deeper. "How have you been?..."

Leon gave her an awkward half-smile, reluctant to lie to her. He didn’t want to just spill his heart out to her right then and there either though.

“I’m… fine,” he said, clearing his throat. “Just busy… dealing with the usual stuff.”

Leon seemed like he was about to ask her something but then he hesitated, seeming unsure whether or not he should try it.

“And… you?” he managed to mumble illegibly.

"Relatively fine," she mumbled back, exhaling the smoke, her eyes sparkling in the city lights of the night. "What are you doing here?" She nodded at the bar behind their backs, curious to hear his answer.

He noticed the sparkle in her eyes, and he smiled a bit, thinking that she still looked exactly as he remembered. Leon noticed her nod at the bar and he followed her gaze. He raised his eyebrows, looking like he was thinking about just how much he should tell her. Then, he decided to keep it vague.

“Just… trying to unwind,” he said simply. She doesn’t need to know that every night he unwinds with several drinks, he definitely wouldn’t want her to think he’s a drunk.

"I see. finally on vacation, huh?" she giggled, feeling the awkward tension between them growing profusely in the air.

“You know me. Gotta get one sometimes,” he admitted with an amused expression, trying to lighten up the awkwardness between them. He was quiet for a moment, and she could see on his face that he truly missed her, despite everything they’d been through. Still, he wasn’t sure how to ask her what he wanted to ask her, so he let another moment of silence pass between them before speaking up again.

“And… how about you? What brings you here?”

"I had a date," she replied, taking another drag on her cig, not taking her eyes off him for a second, and he could’ve sworn to God that never in his life had he wanted her to look away so badly. But she never did. She was sinking his appearance in carefully, trying to figure out whether she touched something still sensitive inside of him or not.

Leon was hurt and a little devastated by her answer, and yet... he wasn't surprised. It was only natural that she had moved on with her life, even though the realization still hurt him like he'd been stabbed in the heart. His face fell and he looked away from her, unable to meet her eyes. He tried to hide his pain and put on a fake smile, not wanting to show her any weakness. He cleared his throat and looked at her again, trying to keep his tone casual.

"How did it go?" He asked her, trying to seem normal.

"Pretty bad, to be honest," she answered with a chuckle, clearly satisfied with the way his face dropped. She was there for the drama, he could tell she was just still as much of a tease as she used to be when they were still a couple.

Leon didn’t like being teased by her, especially when he was feeling so emotional. It was one of the reasons that he didn’t want to show her any weakness. He tried to keep from choking up and maintain a calm expression as he nodded at her.

“At least you made it out alive,” he remarked dryly, trying to keep his voice light. His face still showed pain and sadness, though.

She laughed at his joke, taking a step closer to him, the scent of her perfume, mingled with the lingering smell of cigarettes made him feel dizzy right on the spot.

"Yeah, I’m… still alive, I suppose. Sorry, Leon, your prayers have not been heard yet."

He was shocked when she stepped closer to him, and he had to take a moment to process it. Finally, he cleared his throat and took a small step away, keeping his hands to himself for fear of doing something that he might regret or making her feel uncomfortable. He glanced down at them, noticing how they were shaking a bit, then looked back up at her. His expression was soft now.

"Why the step back?" She raised one eyebrow at him, genuinely curious.

"I was about to say "I don’t bite”, but.. we both know that’s not true," she added with a smirk, her eyes lingering on his leather jacket for a couple seconds. Oh lord, was she.. tipsy?

Leon didn’t want to get too close to her on his own accord, because his instincts were telling him that doing so would make him want to tell her how much he had missed her, what a mistake getting the divorce was, and how much he still loved her. So he put some distance between them, still feeling an urge to reach out and touch her.

“Just…” he began, not really sure what to say, “Just giving you some… some personal space,” he finished with a shrug.

"I see," she nodded, then finally took her eyes off him to turn on her heels and throw the cigarette end away. She was so tempted to see what happens next.

Leon was also very tempted to do something, but then his mind reminded him of his current job and what could be at stake. Not only would it be immoral of him to make any attempt now, but it would also make him look unprofessional. It would just repeat the story. His busyness was probably the main reason of their divorce. Not to mention, what if she was already serious about another guy?

“If you… if you want, we could… hang out sometime…” he suggested. He swallowed hard and felt a lump in his throat, trying to act casual.

“Hang out sometime?" she looked him over her shoulder, a soft chuckle escaping her lips. "What are we, in highschool?"

He felt the heat rising in his cheeks, realizing that he probably worded it wrong. And as he felt his cheeks getting red, he felt a sudden urge to just kiss her. No questions asked. No more words. Just… a kiss.

Leon’s breathing began to get a little faster, and he wasn’t sure what to say next.

His heart was racing and his mouth felt dry like he’d downed a whole bottle of whiskey.

“I didn’t… I didn’t mean…” Leon began, still trying to recover from his blunder.

"Relax, i’m just fucking with you," she laughed it off, licking her lower lip.

"Wanna grab a drink before I head home?" she asked, nodding at the bar entrance again.

Leon breathed a small sigh of relief, happy that she was only messing with him and that he didn’t just make a big fool of himself. His eyes widened when she asked him to grab a drink and he raised his eyebrows in surprise.

“Uhm. Yeah, sure,” he said after a moment of thought, nodding, and then he followed behind her inside the bar. He knew very well what she meant by a drink and it made him feel both tense and happy at the same time.

The sounds of her heels clacking were interrupted with the loud music as soon as they stepped in. She led the way to the counter: it looked like she was familiar with the establishment already. Leon felt something he hadn’t felt in a while, it filled him with warmth, and he wanted to tell her that she looked beautiful, and that he missed her. But when he realized that she was familiar with the place, his face dropped. She probably had that fucking date here.

“What can I get you?” He asked her, once they reached the counter, looking around at the different options.

"Ah, just my usual," she hops on the stool, throwing her purse on the counter. She then glued her eyes back to him, a cocky grin playing in the corners of her mouth. She was curious if he still remembered how she likes her scotch.

Leon’s heart skipped a beat when she sat down in front of him, and he found himself admiring her figure. He also caught her grin, a pleasant feeling tingling in his chest. He remembered how this used to turn him on when she did that.

“Right,” he said, clearing his throat, returning the smirk. “How was I to remember that?” He asked her with a teasing tone as his eyes went from her lips, to her eyes, to her neck, and all the way down to her legs.

"I know for a fact you remember that. We used to be the greatest alcoholic couple to ever exist, after all," she stated, leaning on the counter. He couldn’t help but laugh at her response, nodding in agreement.

“Yeah…” he chuckled, leaning his weight on the counter as well, looking at her with his eyebrow raised.

“So… how’s the… uhm, date life been treating you?” He asked her, almost afraid of her response.

"Rough, just like I prefer it," she laughed it off, her eyes searching for the bartender. Leon felt a wave of jealousy hit him, and it made him feel a bit down. He had to remind himself to not let those feelings rule him again.

“And uh… you… seeing someone regularly?” He asked her, hoping that she wasn’t serious, but the way she was acting indicated otherwise. He ordered two scotches, and he turned back to her. He tried to hide the pain behind a smile, but it wasn’t easy.

"No, not exactly," she dodges the question skillfully. Well, what else did he expect? She’s not the one to reveal all the juicy details right away, especially now that he’s her ex-husband. Every thing about their interaction reminded him of that, and it made his heart ache in ways he never knew were possible before.

Leon’s soul tightened and he felt pain in it, anger brewing inside of him. He had to force himself to stay calm. It was hard with her sitting right in front of him. A million thoughts raced in his mind and he kept coming to the same conclusion. She’s probably sleeping with someone else. Leon’s jealousy was growing with each moment. And he thought that was a reason for her to dodge the question. And he still loved her and wanted her back but she probably didn’t feel the same.

Leon stayed silent for a while, and then suddenly felt like he can’t take it any longer.

“What’s with the dodging questions?” he snapped at her, “Did I do something, or are you just playing with me?”

At that exact moment, the bartender came back with the scotches, but Leon ignored them, just letting the silence sink in.

He really wanted to talk to her. The last few years had been hard and he knew that she would be someone he could lean on. And he wanted her. Desperately. He couldn’t hide it any longer.

"I’m not dodging the question," she arched her back, hand wrapping around the glass of scotch the second she touched it.

"I’m not dating anyone at the moment, if that’s what you’re asking about. But how is this any of your business anyway?"

She was so fucking cool about it and it was driving Leon nuts. How could she do this to him? What’s the matter with this banter? Has she become completely heartless after their split? She took a slow sip on her scotch, her eyes wandering all over the place, lingering on anything but him. And she was fucking right. Admitting it made Leon want to clench the poor glass in his hand so tight it could shatter any second. It wasn't any of his business anymore, indeed.

Leon sighed heavily, trying to contain his emotions, and he let out a breath.

“Don’t.. don’t do this,” he said in a pleading tone, his eyes looking at her, begging for her with hurt in his gaze.

“How could it not be my business? We were together, and… it feels… ” He fell silent for a few moments, trying to find the right words to say. He was trying to stay level-headed but it was very difficult.

"How’s work?" she interrupted him abruptly, tilting her head to gaze into his blushing face, prompting him to quickly put on a fake relaxed expression.

Leon’s heart was crushed. Her sudden shift in tone felt cruel and it made him feel like she didn’t care about him.

“Nothing much. Just the usual,” he replied after a moment of thought, trying to hide the fact that she did actually hurt him.

“Keeping the streets safe from terrorists, protecting cities all over the world…” he raised his eyebrows and then chuckled, “It can get pretty hectic at times.” He took a sip from his scotch in order to give himself a chance to compose himself. The thought sent a wave of aggravation through his chest. The tension was thick enough to cut with a knife.

“Same old Leon,” he added with a fake smile

"Really? Same old guy?" she smiled, looking at him with... some strange kind of affection. The kind of affection you give to people who aren’t in your life as much anymore. Who knows, maybe she actually missed him too.

“Yeah…” he replied, “Same old guy.” He took a deep breath to keep himself together, trying to be mature. But this was eating him up from the inside and he didn’t know what to do. The way she looked at him filled him with hope and a little bit of pain, and he felt a sense of relief for a moment before the realization that she didn’t mean it hit him.

He was stuck between wanting her back and wanting to hate her. He didn’t know which one to go for.

"I wouldn’t be so sure. Since you are the one seeing someone new, apparently," she nodded at the ring on his finger, a smirk appearing on her face yet again. She knew damn well it was their wedding ring, she would recognize it from the thousands of rings, even though it was a very plain piece of jewellery. But she wanted him to admit it to her face. She wanted to hear directrly from him that he still wears it.

"And it looks pretty serious. Are you married again? Does your new spouse know that you’re getting drunk with your ex-wife right now?" she chuckled and bit her lip, her eyes glowing with curiosity.

Leon felt his heart drop and his face turn red as she pointed out the ring. Of course she would notice that he hadn’t taken it off. He didn’t want to talk about it just yet, and he cleared his throat.

“This… um…” He looked away, unable to look her in the eyes. “This is…” he began, feeling ashamed and embarrassed. “It… it isn’t what you think… it’s…”

Finally, he gave up and looked back at her, his expression filled with sadness. “I… I got remarried.”

"Really?" she raised one eyebrows, giving him a tongue-in-cheek expression.

Yeah right. Remarried. Fucking bullshit.

"Congratulations! What is she like?" she continued with a vicious smirk. God, what a cruel woman she is. Her face was screaming "I've got you. Just admit that you're lying, don't humiliate yourself more".

Leon could see the relief in her face and his heart ached again. How can she act so nonchalant? Doesn’t she love him anymore?

“Um…” he felt himself tense up. He felt his stomach twisting and he didn’t want to tell her all of it. But he knew he didn’t want to lie to her either. She was his ex-wife, but he did still care and he did still feel some level of loyalty to her.

“She… we don’t…” he said, before sighing. “It’s complicated,” he left it at that.

"Complicated, really? Oh I’m so sorry to hear that," she squinted after taking another sip on her scotch, there was barely anything left in her glass now. Leon was terrible at lying. At this point it would be less embarrassing if he just admitted he still wears their ring right away.

Leon felt a wave of humiliation spread over him. Finally, he cleared his throat, and he let out another sigh. He couldn’t bring himself to look her in the eyes, so he spoke to the ground.

“Yeah…” he said softly, shaking his head, “…I still wear the ring…”

"Huh? So… there’s no new wife?" she tried her best to fake a confused frown, but the proud smirk and the obvious sarcasm in her tone destroyed her plan completely, leaving Leon flustered. She won. It was impossible to deceive her.

Leon’s face went pale. His lips trembled a little bit and his throat became dry.

He felt the anger building in him and he wanted so desperately to tell her how he felt. Or, even worse, go back and pretend that the truth was something else, and to lie again. He was stuck between those two options, and he felt so lost. He had never expected things to go this badly.

"You don’t need to answer that. I'm done torturing you, don’t worry," she gasped, looking away, tapping on the glass with her nail.

Leon closed his eyes and felt a wave of shame wash over him.

“Thank you,” he said after a moment of thought, looking back at her with a hint of a smile, and he meant it. “Not many people have the mercy to stop when it’s time,” he added, grateful for her.

"I learned not to get too carried away, I guess," she stated with a sigh, throwing her head back, her tired, weary eyes swirling the ceiling now.

"Why are you still wearing it though? For the sake of avoiding attention from younger girls?" she chuckled lazily and closed her eyes, making Leon notice the mascara fallouts under them.

Leon chuckled as well.

“Funny you should ask,” he began, with a small smile. “I’m still wearing it because it reminds me of the only time in my life when I was truly happy.”

He paused for a moment, and he felt himself get emotional. He swallowed hard as he tried to keep the tears from falling.

"You’re sweet," she whispered, turning her head back to meet his eyes with hers, her index finger playing with now empty scotch glass.

Leon stared at her and his heart skipped a beat when their gazes met.

“You’re still just as beautiful as you were back then,” he whispered.

“You were my everything,” Leon added, and the words felt strange to say. But it was the truth.

"...And you were mine," she admitted, a hint of pain crawling into her tone.

The hurt in her voice made his heart ache and he nodded as tears fell from his eyes.

“I’m sorry for what I did, … I know that it’s not worth much now, but I truly am,” he said with a slight whimper. “I’ve thought about calling you so many times…” he sighed and looked down, his shoulders slumping. “I should’ve fought for us…” Leon’s face contorted into a frown and he held his breath, “I didn’t realize just how much I missed you…”

She interrupts him with a kiss, a loud sound of their teeth hitting together messing a moment up a little, but she quickly recovers, wrapping one hand around the back of his neck and burrowing another into his hair, pulling him closer, suffocating him with her mouth hungrily, making him feel the taste of that same fucking lipstick, cigarettes and whiskey.

A million thoughts raced in Leon’s head as he felt the kiss. Every time she kissed him he felt a rush of affection and love, and he adored it. His mind went blank and he lost himself in the moment. He pulled her closer and put his hands on her waist, kissing her back. His passion for her, his love for her, had never gone away. It was still there, all the way to his core, and holding her tight like this felt so natural.

It was just like the old times.

She pulled away reluctantly, frantically gasping for air, letting out a chuckle when she notices him licking her saliva off his lips and wiping her lipgloss off his mouth and chin.

Fuck. What a damn turn on.

Leon’s heart skipped a beat once she stopped the kiss and he chuckled along with her.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love it, but we were in the middle of a conversation,” he laughed as he wiped his mouth.

“But you have a way of shutting me up…” He added, his face lighting up as they shared that moment. Leon smiled and pulled her close again.

“Damn…” he sighed as he caressed her face, brushing his fingers along her cheek and jaw, and his eyes glanced back and forth between her eyes and her lips. “You haven’t changed at all, and I’m definitely not complaining,” he added playfully, enjoying their physical closeness. “I really missed kissing you like that…”

"Do you want another reminder?..." she giggled, her hand finding its way to his hair again. He felt a wave of tingles go through his spine and his hairs stood up as her fingers ran through them. He liked it when she did that. Just like the good old days.

“Yes please,” he said with a grin. His heart was beating so fast as he looked into her eyes. “You know I can’t resist you,” he said playfully, before kissing her again.

She gently pushed her tongue into his mouth this time, carefully biting on his bottom lip as she smirked into the kiss, knowing damn well just how much that turns Leon on. She grabbed him by the collar eagerly, as the tips of their tongues met and wet noises of making out would definitely fill the bar if the music wasn’t as loud.

Leon felt his heart start racing in his chest, and he couldn’t help it. She could do anything she wanted to him and he would just allow it. He didn’t mind. He was powerless in her hands. His heart was beating faster with pure pleasure as the tips of their tongues met, and he moaned quietly into the kiss. He pulled away after what felt like an eternity and said,

“Wow… I… Damn…”

He was out of breath, but he didn’t care at all.

"Do you want to get out of here?.." She whispered immediately after breaking the kiss, wiping the lipstick off his face with her thumb again. He was such a mess right now.

Leon’s mind went blank.

How can she just say those words so casually? What is she thinking? Is she feeling the same thing as him? The same attachment he still feels for her? Is she just taking him for a ride and playing with him? The questions raced through his head. Before he could speak, or even think straight, he looked down at the ring on his hand. After a moment of silence, he finally spoke.

“Yes.”

She was genuinely surprised, not expecting him to agree right away just like that. She cleared her throat, as she recalled some very pleasant memories about their sex life, hot and painful arousal forming somewhere down her abdomen and she glanced at his hands again, coughing loudly when she pictured them touching her in all the most private places again. Leon’s heart skipped a beat when he saw the look in her eyes.

Was she thinking what he thought she was thinking?

He cleared his throat and chuckled nervously, a light turning red tinting his cheeks.

“Oh god, are you… Are you…?” He couldn’t believe he was asking her this. He felt like a teenage guy at this moment. But he had to know.

"Am I what? Turned on right now?" She chuckled, her pupils widening in anticipation, “You can’t even imagine how."

Leon started to sweat as he felt a wave of pleasure wash over him.

“Well… I can’t wait to see how then,” he answered, his cheeks flushing more. “Uh… Where would we go?” He asked, unsure of what to do next at this point.

"How drunk are you?" She asked, as the playful twinkle appeared in her eyes, her now darkened and swollen from kissing lips tempting him even harder.

“Not as drunk as I’d like to be,” he joked, his face still a little red from the last kiss. He leaned in and pressed his lips against hers once more. After a long moment, he pulled away again.

“But I’m definitely not sober either,” he admitted, “It’s kind of hard to be whenever you’re around.” He looked at her again, feeling overwhelmed by her beauty, the burning desire growing in his crotch. “I could just spend the rest of my life kissing you,” he sighed in pleasure.

"Woah, did someone turn into a romantic after we got divorced?" She placed a couple of wet kisses on his neck and jaw, clearly giving zero fucks about it being inappropriate both for public and for their age.

Leon laughed and gently pulled away. “Damn… You love playing with a man, don’t you?” He said teasingly, with a playful wink. He looked around at the bar and all of the people around them.

“I think we should probably go somewhere more private. As long as it doesn’t sound too boring to you, of course.”

"Well I remember that one time when you couldn’t wait to get somewhere private..." Her fingers grabbed his knee gently, it was obvious from her tone that she was hinting on that one time when they fucked in public a couple years ago, too impatient and too drunk to get home. The hint made Leon even harder and he pictured grabbing her pretty thighs, placing her right on that counter and fucking all the living shit out of her right then and there, for being so damn pretty, for seducing him so effortlessly, for not being his anymore.

Leon felt a wave of lust wash over him as she continued to speak.

She hasn’t forgotten, and she still wants him.

He cleared his throat and gulped hard, trying to hide the excitement in his voice but failing.

“Maybe we should… go to my hotel room,” he suggested enthusiastically. “If you’re okay with that,” he added.

"Oh, that would be nice.." she whispered, looking at him with her eyes wide open, the lustful thoughts in her head so loud and so obvious Leon could almost hear them. He felt himself getting a little bit more nervous when he noticed her expression.

He nodded. “Okay, let’s go,” he said, his heart racing in his chest. They both stood up, and Leon gave the bartender a few bills to cover their drinks and the tip.

God bless this fucking bar.

“Now let’s get out of here before we get too hot and bothered,” he chuckled.

She stood up too, grabbing her purse while hopping off the stool. She quickly closed the distance between them, grasping his hand tight, their fingers intertwining, causing Leon's heart to beat like crazy. Leon felt himself tingle throughout his entire body as their fingers touched, his heart speeding up dramatically.

Oh, god…

The second they walked out of the bar Leon pressed her body against the wall, pinning her, locking her hands above her head by grabbing her thin wrists, pushing his knee between her legs. He began to kiss her lips, neck — even her collarbone, as she kept chuckling and arching her back, soft sweet whimpers leaving her lips one after another.

"Woah, honey, have you missed me that much?" She teased, her eyes rolling back when his tongue trailed down the curve on her neck, leaving a path of saliva on it.

Leon felt a wave of pleasure wash over him as he pinned her to the wall. “Yeah... I have…” He said softly, “I’ve missed it all…”

"I’ve missed you too, Leon…" She wanted to bury her hands into his hair again, but he held them high above her head, preventing her from moving them. She then tilted her head, so that her lips were now really close to his neck. Without hesitation, she sank her teeth in, smiling as he gasped and loosened his grip on her wrists. She always bites hard and this time was no exception — she was practically chewing on his neck, leaving a deep almost bloody mark. She missed him so much it made her want to tear him apart, to bite a chunk out of him, to mark him everywhere. Leon hissed as she bit his neck and he leaned back, his heart racing.

“Damn… What did you do that for?” He asked softly, his words being caught by his teeth. He cleared his throat and chuckled nervously as he touched his neck. “You really like biting me, don’t you?” The mark she left made it clear.

"Just claiming you again.." She grinned, licking his taste off her lips, admiring the deep lovebite she left on him. Leon smirked. He’d missed those little inside jokes.

“I’m all yours…” He whispered as he leaned in again, placing a soft kiss on her lips. “I always have been. I never forgot the first time you marked me like that,” he added and he brought his hands to her waist.

She leans against the wall with her hand on his shoulder, her eyes gazing into his face with sadness. She blinks wearily and pulls him closer towards her, his hands gripping on her waist tighter.

"You were such a right person for me, Leon. You still are. I guess it’s just... the time wasn’t exactly right..." She admits, the sorrow in her tone so overwhelming and so gut-wrenching that Leon just wants to fall down to his knees and wrap his arms around her right on the street for everyone to see: anything to make her stay with him forever, to win her back.

Leon held her closer as she said those words. He sighed, looking into her eyes, and he felt a wave of intense feelings wash over him... A mixture of fear. Excitement. Joy. Sadness…

“But you still feel like home for me…”

"Maybe I am your home."

That sounds more like a statement than a question. A sad smile plays at the corners of her lips. She's right. She's fucking right again and it's killing him mercilessly. Her words left him feeling lost, confused and vulnerable. In a moment of weakness, he leaned in again, pressing his lips against hers and kissing her longer and deeper.

“I still want you just as bad,” he whispered.

"Fuck.." She managed to mumble something senseless with her eyes closed. Her arms — unpinned from the wall now, were resting around his neck, inviting him for another embrace. All of the feelings and emotions he hadn’t felt in years — he felt all of that again. Like a rush. And the most dangerous part was… that he enjoyed every second of it. He felt alive again. He pulled away and looked into her eyes with a sad smile. “I’d give anything to run away with you now.”

"There’s no need for that, honey. You’re not too drunk to ride your bike, are you?" She teased, brushing her nose against his neck, the smell of his cologne causing the hairs on her body to stay on end.

Leon laughed. “No, I can probably manage it still,” he looked down at the ground.

“It’s dangerous though… riding my bike out there, at night. Anything can happen.” He added.

Like getting stopped by the cops, getting attacked on the road… The thought of her safety still gave him a chill, even after all these years.

“But I want to do it. I’ll be careful. I promise,” he said, pulling her close to hold onto her one more time. He grabbed her hand and they walked out to his motorcycle together. Leon jumped on, waiting for her to get on too. Once he was sure she was seated comfortably behind him, he started the engine, revving it a few times. “Hold on tight!” He laughed, and then he took off with a loud sound. Her hands crawled under his arms to hold on his chest, head resting on his shoulder from behind. Leon smiled as he felt her body against his. He looked up at the stars and the city lights passing by. And for once, his troubles seemed to fade away. She was the only thing he felt. The only thing that felt real. He was truly happy for the first time in those two long years. A feeling he had missed terribly.

***

Leon places a kiss on her jaw, his hands gripping on her hips so hard she feels like she's going to faint. He grips like he's afraid to lose her again, like she's about to slip out of his arms the second the elevator stops. But she’s still there, pinned to the cold wall with the weight of his body (at this point he clearly has a thing for pressing her against something), moaning into his lips, pulling his hair — her every movement encouraging him to never stop.

“I won’t let you go this time, darling,” he whispers, his hands travelling from her hips to her upper body, stroking her ribs under the tight dress. He still felt a little unsure, a little nervous, but he wanted her. So badly.

“I’m not letting you go, ever again.”

“You’re stuck with me, for better… or for worse.” Another kiss on the neck, a purple hickey appearing quickly on her tender skin after he pulls his lips away, completely out of breath - so vulnerable and so needy, only for her.

"Oh, am I now?..." She looks up at him, getting on her tiptoes to reach his ear. Her voice wheezy and low when she whispers another inappropriate sweet nothing into it, nibbling on his earlobe, her hand slipping down his torso, causing goosebumps to appear all over his skin. She grabs on his crotch, letting out a genuinely surprised moan when she feels how hard he already is.

“You are,” he answered. He had never said those words to her before, not in this way at least. But he meant them with every fiber of his being. He kissed her again. Hard. Harder. With a level of desperation in his touch.

“I never stopped loving you… not once in the whole two damned years… I couldn’t stop… I wouldn’t stop…” he muttered, his voice breaking.

"Fuck, I seriously might pass out if you keep saying it like that..." she digs her fingers into his shoulder, gripping him tightly, trying to keep her balance. The elevator is finally on their floor, its doors opening automatically, playing a short silly melody. Leon smiles slyly, his hands diving down to her hips again. He easily lifts her up into his arms — so casually, that a small cry of surprise escapes her lips. She giggles, wrapping her arms tighter around his neck to prevent herself from falling, and he carries her out of the elevator, catching the attention of an older couple in the hallway, causing them to momentarily pause their conversation and cast a judgmental glance in the direction of the lovers. Leon kept her close, as he carried her inside the room. Her little giggle had only made him want her more. He was already feeling lightheaded due to her kisses, his heart racing a thousand miles per minute as he put the key in the door and turned it, pushing it open.

“Damn…” he whispered, a little breathless. “I’m going to need a cold shower after all that…” he chuckled. He closes the door with one hand, supporting her with the other, definitely not planning on letting her go even for a second. As he tries to close the door, he curses out loud, which makes her laugh again.

"Not a chance, hun. I’m not letting you go anywhere until we’re done," she whispered, chuckling when Leon slipped over something while trying so desperately to lock the room.

"Careful, I don’t want you falling and breaking my neck."

"Don't worry. I've got you." Leon's finally done with the damn door, so he throws the key on the first surface that caught his eye. He grabs her with both hands again, leaning in for another kiss. A couple of steady steps — and he's placing her on the hotel bed as gently as he possibly can, making sure she's comfortable. His jacket slips off and falls onto the bed when he crawls on top of her, their tongues swirling each other in their mouthes. He could feel his blood rushing to his cock. God. This felt so damn overwhelming. He reached for the hem of his shirt, ready to take it off after the jacket.

"Someone’s eager," she stated with a teasing grin after pulling away from the kiss, a trail of saliva stretching between the tips of their tongues. With her hands stroking his stomach under the shirt, she moves closer to him, feeling his muscles become tense under her gentle fingertips immediately. He straightens up, then pulls his shirt off with trembling hands. It allows her better access to the belt and she gets the hint, agile fingers reaching for the buckle as she kisses his stomach, pleased with the way his body reacts to the touch. He moans her name, gasping for air, pushing her towards him with a huff, fingers rubbing the soft hair on the back of her head. He needs her so bad it makes him look absolutely stupid and desperate.

"Fuck, darling, the things you do to me-" he lets out a breathless chuckle and bites his lip, the thumb of his free hand reaching for her chin to stroke it. He grabs it authoritatively, yet still gently, just enough effort to show her who’s in charge here (or so he thought). Another brief moment passes by and his finger finally reaches its destination — her lower lip, on which he puts pressure gently, causing her pretty mouth to open wide for him.

"Look at you. So hot for me."

"You have no room to talk. You’re hard as fuck, and I’m not even naked yet," she laughs, sticking her tongue out to swirl it around his thumb, piercing eyes watching his every movement carefully. She then accepts the finger deeper into her mouth, sucking on it, enjoying the sight of Leon throwing his head back with an audible moan, numerous sweat drops forming on his forehead.

“You’re irresistable. Maybe that’s why I always come crawling back to you…” Leon said quietly, finally taking the thumb out of her mouth, shivering at the pleasant feeling of wet slick tongue brushing it one last time.

“Flaterrer.”

Another sharp inhale, heavy eyelids covering her eyes when Leon bends his knees and climbs back onto the bed, his body above her, temples wet with sweat, his always neat hair sticking to them now. He grabs her wrist, politely putting her hand away from the belt, and kisses the crook of her neck, his tongue teasingly trailing down to her collarbone, luscious scent of her hair making him salivate.

“Stop being such a fucking tease!”

Her hips are grinding against his, her every move filled with excitement.

She really hasn’t changed at all… Leon thought to himself with a smile.

“Shh, just let me feel you like this for a moment… You’re not very patient, are you?” Leon asked, grinding back against her. His fingers trace a path down her back, moving in circular motions along her spine. The sensation causes her to arch her back and grip his shoulders tighter, his low, raspy voice intoxicating her.

“Respectfully, honey, we kinda haven’t had sex in two years,” she returns the teasing, planting a sloppy kiss on his jaw. Leon rolles his eyes with a short laugh, his fingers quickly finding the zipper of her dress. He gives her lower back a gentle tickle, trailing his short nails along its surface. When the dress is finally unzipped, a wave of indescribable arousal washes over Leon. He fights the urge to take his pants off, the pain from his cock getting too hard unable to fit in them anymore. But it can’t be done yet. He wants to tease her, to do everything right, to just remember her squirming impatiently under his touch like this forever. His hands trace the curves of her shoulders and he rushes to undress her eagerly, way too excited to see her naked chest. He knows it’s unlikely to see a bra there.

And he guesses it right.

The dress slips down her shoulders, revealing her breasts. Leon gulpes, sinking her appearance in, fighting the urge to bite into the soft flesh. He hesitates for a couple seconds, but eventually does just that, leaning in, putting her hair out of the way, gently brushing his still wet after her mouth thumb over the hard nipple.

“Still don’t know what a bra is, I suppose?” He sucks on the nipple gently, his teeth sinking into it with an extra level of carefulness, tasting her again and again, squeezing the tender breast passionately in his hand.

Oh how he wanted this. Oh just how many times had he touched himself, picturing her moaning under him like this again, all worked up and messy, begging him to fuck her brains out.

“Ah, so that’s what you’ve missed the most?” she teased, laughing at the ticklish feeling of his thumb playing with the sensitive nipple, watching his tongue swirl around it.

“What can I say... you have quite the tits,” Leon pulls away for a second, his lips parting with an audible sound.

“Please, shut up and save yourself the embarrassment,” she blushes instantly at his poor comment, pulling his hair with more strength now, “Don’t ruin the damn mood.”

“Still just as shy about it…” Leon whispered with a tiny smirk. “But I love the reaction,” he added, kissing her shoulder, finally releasing the wet sucked for a good minute breast. He continued stripping off her dress, starting to feel nervous again.

“I’m gonna slap you if you don’t stop being a smartmouth,” she threatened, her tone laced with half-hearted jest as she tapped his shoulder.

“Huh? I thought we’re saving the kinky stuff for later…” He finally pulls the dress off her with a wink, his knees beginning to tremble again at the sight of her sitting in front of him naked like this.

“Leon, I swear to god, if you don’t shut up-”

“Fine.”

He shoved his hands between her thighs with a laugh, fingers moving confidently to put her underwear to the side. He decides to gently wrap his hand around her throat, pushing his tongue into her open mouth, listening to every moan that escapes her lips. When his hand trailes down her neck to her collarbone, something metallic gets in the way. Leon pulls away with a confused expression, raising one eyebrow.

He notices a strange piece of jewelry under his fingers. He ignores it at first, but when he sees her face turning red, his gaze returns to the strange metal thing hanging around her neck.

And his heart sinks.

Dangling delicately from a silver chain, her wedding ring shimmered in the dull light of the hotel room.

"You... You kept it too?" he asked, holding the ring with a surprised face. "The whole time..?"

“Yeah, yeah, you’re not the only one heartbroken ex-spouse in this marriage, Leon, sorry I took your spotlight,” she chuckled, looking away, her embarrassment palpable in the air. “I just didn’t want to wear it on my finger after the divorce. You know me, I wouldn’t like people thinking I’m not over you, even if that’s obvious. And I kept it next to my heart like this anyway,” she adds with a sad chuckle, twisting the ring between her fingers.

Leon laughed softly.

"That's the saddest and the sweetest thing I've ever heard..." He replied, filled with empathy and emotion. He kisses her temple, thumb stroking her inner thigh gently, ready to strip the underwear off her. He wants to say something else, to break the silence with some reassuring speech, but the look in her eyes tells him to just keep going and save the conversation for later.

He gently pressed on her clothed clit with his thumb, gasping when he feels the soaked with her slick underwear under his touch.

“Please don’t torture me. Take ‘em off,” she murmurs, stroking his shoulder, her breath twitching at the sensation of her clit being stimulated.

He gets to work no questions asked, taking that piece of lingerie off her, his hands starting to shake with excitement againt. He notices the slick dripping down her thigh from her glistering entrance. Fuck. So wet for him already. What a pleasant view.

Once he was done with her underwear, his needy hands returned to her swollen clit, thumb circling around it with passion. It certainly was the best part of sleeping with Leon — no matter how desperate and turned on he is, no matter how much he wants to just sink his aching cock into her, he always has to make her cum first, using either his skilled hands or his tongue. And it seems like tonight he has chosen the first option.

He continued rubbing her clit with the thumb of his right hand, dragging the middle finger of his left hand through her aroused folds, warming her up, but not entering yet.

“May I?” he asked, inhaling, waiting for her permission. And when she nods, looking down at his hands with her lip bitten, the finger finally slips inside her, causing his whole body to melt and twitch, enjoying the sweet feeling of her tight, warm walls consuming it easily. She groans, then moans a breathy “Oh god” as her nails dig into his arm raggedly, responding to his touch. Leon can’t help a smirk. The way she was still so needy around him definitely did good things to his ego. Was she masturbating to the memories of their previous intercourses all these years too? She most definitely did. Judging by her reaction she was still just as desperate for him as he was for her.

He pushed the finger deeper, a weird sound escaping her lips when he bent it inside of her, trying to find the right angle. She squinted. Unlike Leon, she had a couple of hook-ups in those two years, but they weren’t serious nor were they frequent, so she wasn’t exactly used to being fingered by somebody else anymore. She tried to relax, arching her back with her eyes closed. She knew Leon will find the right spot eventually. He was good with his hands.

Leon nodded at the squint and changed the position of his finger slightly, trying to make her feel good again.

“Don’t worry, hun, I’ve got it, just give me a moment-” he pleaded, rubbing her clit with more pressure now, trying to distract her from the weird feeling, placing a soft comforting kiss on her shoulder.

“I-It’s okay,” she stuttered, opening her legs wider for him. “Just move your finger to the side a little- Oh fuck, yeah, just like that, yeah, right there-“ she moaned, a mixture of curse words escaping her lips again. Leon sighed with relief. He still hasn’t forgotten how to push her buttons. It felt good to know he still remembers how to please his lady in bed.

He begins to finger her carefully, trying to concentrate on her pleasure without losing his own composure. His movements were vigilant, yet still confident and the wet sounds of him pulling the finger in and out mixed with her breathy moans filled the hotel room, driving him completely crazy again.

“This okay?” he asks, speeding his movements up a little bit and watching her writhe in bed. Always so damn caring, stretching her with his finger like that, preparing her for his cock. She nods, whispering sweet innapropriate nothings into his ear, her nails digging into his arm deeper with every second, legs spread open, inviting him to add another finger in. And so he does just that, pushing his ring finger into her cunt, thumb of his other hand still circling her clit, his eyes glowing with intense lust he hadn’t felt in such a long time.

“Fuck, you can’t even imagine how much I needed that...” he purrs into her lips when she cups his cheek to pull him into another hot, steamy kiss, her tongue meeting his again.

“Damn, darling, you’re really trying to eat me alive today,” he adds with a devious chuckle, his fingers only picking up speed with no intention to stop until she cums on them.

“Leon, one more smart comment and I-“

But her brain is not working anymore, it’s too overwhelmed with his touch, with the way he dips his tongue into her collarbone, as her warm silk walls are wrapped tightly around his fingers.

“There, there...” he cooed softly, nuzzling his nose against her left breast. She throws her head back, trying to keep the hair out of her face, sweaty hands starting to wander all over his tense back now.

“Are you going to cum for me, darling?” Leon asks with a grin, a hopeful look in his eyes pushing her even closer to the climax. No one could ever compare with him. He proved it again skillfully, even after two years of so-called celibate (except for jerking off to fake scenarious where he fucks her at least once a day).

“L-Leon, I’m gonna-“ she tries to string a sentence together before dissolving into pleasure completely, but him sucking on her nipple again doesn’t help to concentrate on the words at all.

“I can feel you twitching, honey. C’mon. Do it for me. Cum on my fingers,” he pulls his mouth away from her breast, rubbing her clit with more intensity now, just like she always preffered it. He could feel her muscles spasm around his fingers and it made him want to please her only more, kissing every inch of her neck as she gets closer to her orgasm. “Do it for me, honey. I want to make you feel good. Don’t be shy, you can be as loud as you want...” he praised in between kisses, fingers moving as fast as they possibly can inside of her.

“Fuck, I..”

She falls down on the bed, writhing around, teeth clenched as her legs start to squirm, tangling the sheets into a complete mess. Her vision faded to black when she finally came with his name on her lips, her chest raising up and down as she collapsed on the bed with her back arched. Leon enjoys the view with a smug smirk at the corners of his mouth, completely enamored. Who would’ve thought that tonight’s visit to the bar could possilbly flow into fucking his ex-wife. But here she was — completely out of breath in the afterglow of her intense climax, legs tucked in and trembling, messy hair all over the pillow. He pulls his shaky covered in her slick fingers out and tilts his head to place a tender kiss on her knee.

“You okay, sweetheart?”

“You’re going to be the death of me,” she mumbles, covering her sweaty face with her palm, a chuckle escaping her swollen lips.

“What? You mean I’m not too rusty?” he caressed her leg, leaving a trail of slick from the same two fingers on her thigh.

“Oh shut up, Leon. You’re not that old…” she laughs, the ringing’s still in her ears.

Leon blushed at the sight of her. “I guess my body still can manage…” he added and kissed her thigh again, feeling uneasy with each passing second. He should’ve really taken the damn pants off. With a sigh, he felt his heart beating in his ears as he looked up at her.

“You’re beautiful.”

“And you’re handsome.”

They locked eyes, the intensity between them growing with each passing second. With a surge of anticipation, he closed the distance between them, edging closer on the bed. Their lips met again, the world fading away as he surrendered to the passionate embrace. Her hands reached his hair, pulling him closer, deepening the lustfull kiss.

“Fuck...” he groaned, trying to support his body on his trembling arms. “I… I don’t have any protection on me.”

“I’m still on the pill,” she whispers with a reassuring smile, putting her hair out of his mouth.

“Oh, um... S-Sure. Let me just take these off real quick...”

“I’ve got you,” she made him straighten up again by pushing his chest slightly, lips wandering all over his neck now, sucking on it again, ignoring his light-hearted grumbling about the hickeys. She manages to undo his belt after messing with it for a few seconds. Leon chuckled again. So damn adorable. She sighs when the leather strap finally slips through the loops, relinquishing its hold.

“Jesus, is it that hard?” he whispers with a giggle, gently squeezing her side, as she strips his pants and boxers off.

“Say that to your dick,” she scoffed, wrapping her hand around his width, thumb teasing the tip by sensually pressing on the leaking with precum slit. Leon panted, pushing her back on the bed, hands squeezing her waist as she lets out a breathless whimper. She moves her hand back and forth, feeling his cock getting warmed up again.

Fuck, he could literally cum just to seeing her like this — naked, spread open for him, pressed into the bed with his weight. Leon positioned himself between her thighs, pressing their foreheads together, the head of his cock dragged against her clit in a teasing manner.

“Easy on the stroking, sweetheart,” he purred, brushing his nose against her flushed cheek. “Don’t want this to end before it even starts, you know?”

A gasp of relief escapes his lips when her hand is finally removed from his cock. Okay, now he just needs to try his best fighting the intense urge to finish while entering her: a rather hard, almost impossible task to complete in his situation, but he somehow manages, lurching forward, his head slipping inside of her almost effortlessly as he supports the cock with his hand, hissing at the feeling of her tight, gentle walls wrapping around him.

“Fuck, you’re so-” He trembles, pushing himself deeper inside of her — nice and slow, partially to tease her, partially not to cum in two seconds. “You feel so goddamn good...”

She throws her head back into the pillow, nails gripping his shoulders ready to dig into their flesh at any second. She shivers when he finally pushes his whole length in, removing the hand supporting his cock somewhere above her head. It felt indescribably good and she just straddled him tighter, squeezing his arms in anticipation.

“Oh no, sweetheart,” he whispered with a chuckle, the first thrust catching her off guard completely, despite being steady and gentle. “I’m gonna need to ask you to remove those, okay?” he places his fingers over hers, gently coaxing her to loosen the grip around his arm. And once her hands fall back on the bed — he grabs her wrists with a smug smirk and pins them above her head. “We can’t have those pretty nails ruining my back tonight, can we?”

“Oh fuck you, Leon.”

“No, fuck you, actually. Oh, right. Guess what I’m doing just now?” he laughs again, placing a kiss over her smiling mouth. He thrusts again, his grip on her wrists firm, yet gentle, only to prevent her from scratching the shit out of his back. She moans back, clearly delighted. She actually enjoyed him taking control... occasionaly. They both knew she’s the one who holds power over him after all. He pulled his hips down harder, picking up speed after a couple of slow thrusts.

“Kiss me,” she demanded, arching her back for him, her ribs pressing against his now.

Leon couldn’t help but smile. He loved this side of her. The passionate side. The intimate side. Her demand made him feel so attractive, so handsome. So wanted.

He followed the request, kissing her deeply, his eyes rolling back behind his closed lids at the feeling of her cunt squeezing his cock so well, wet slapping sounds driving him crazy, making him whimper into her always ready for him mouth, which he was practically tongue-fucking now.

“I never want to stop kissing you,” he mumbled, pressing his lips against her hot temple, licking the sweat off it delicately. “Fuck, you’re driving me crazy, oh god…” he kept whispering, pounding into her body now, his thrusts so deep and so messy she could almost feel the tip of his cock touching her cervix, so she squints at the new sensation again, arching her hips to slightly change the angle of penetration. He completely forgets about the damage done to his shoulders by her nails and releases her wrists, grabbing the pillow instead, his moans now resonating just as loudly as hers.

“Fuck, I can’t get enough of you...” he muttered, as she pressed her lips against his, her fingernails destroying their favourite part of his body again now that her hands are free. She moaned louder with every intense thrust, making him forget about all the pain he had in his heart. So good. What a goddamn bliss. To feel her again, to touch her where no one else is allowed to. A thousand thoughts were rushing through his head now. His pace got extremely fast, the poor hotel bed creacking so hard like it was going to break under their bodies at any minute. He was about to say something, but then a tear spilled from his eye and fell onto her shoulder as the words caught in his throat. As the realization set in, he felt his heart drop to his knees but he was already too far gone.

“I love you,” he finally said in a small voice, feeling his heart shatter a little as he did so, but continuing to thrust, ignoring the pain from her nails sinking into his skin again.

“I love you too...” She mumbled with her eyes shut, closing the remaining distance between them for another kiss, her heart pounding within her chest as Leon kept pounding into her cunt, turning her into an absolutely desperate for his cock mess.

He couldn’t wait any longer. The way she arched into his touch, the way she was taking him whole so easily, the way she moaned his name, even the way she was scratching his abused back with those damn nails — every single one of these things pushed him to the edge, made him twitch and groan while he bites on her gentle shoulder. He wanted to claim her as his again, to never let go of her and bring back what belongs to him and him only. Everything about her made him want to propose to her again, right then and there while he fucks her into the matress.

Leon clenched the pillow in his fist, his eyes widening as he felt the painful sting of his sweat seeping into fresh scratch marks on his back. He called her by name, making direct eye contact, his heart jumping out of his chest.

That’s it. He has to say it. It’s now or never.

“Marry me again…”

He whispered, continuing his thrusts as tears ran down his cheeks. “Say yes…” he said with desperation in his voice. “Please, I don’t want to lose you again. I won’t survive it.”

The shock coursed through her veins, leaving her momentarily breathless and her eyes widened in disbelief.

“W-what?” she finally managed to respond, another thrust making her moan and melt completely under his touch again. Leon looked her in the eyes and the fear in her expression made him feel terrible.

“Please….” he begged, “Please, I can’t lose you again…” he whispered, feeling his heart shatter further. He didn’t know what to think, or how to react, but the desperate look in his eyes was a genuine one.

Her teary eyes were roaming all over him now, she was utterly astonished, the sudden proposal distracting her from the pleasant feeling of his pulsing cock inside of her. She tried her best to recover, cupping his cheeks with a nod, one genuine, full of excitement nod that made Leon tear up again.

“Fuck, I-… Yes! Yes! Of course I’ll fucking marry you again...” she assured him with a chuckle, leaning in for another long kiss and running her tongue over his lips. Leon breathed a sigh of relief, the fuzzy feeling only growing stronger when she kissed him again, his tears shifting from sadness to tears of joy.

“I won’t leave your side this time. I won’t ever leave you again. I promise.”

“That’s right. Don’t you fucking dare anymore.”

“Never again,” he promised with an emotional frown as he hugged her again, feeling her tight walls clench around his cock, his body pressing as close as it possibly can against hers. The moment ended up even better than he imagined and she was so beautiful it almost hurt. Or maybe it was just his completely fucked up back.

“I’m getting close...” he moaned at the sensation of her hot breath on his ear, hand kneeding her soft breast again. “Fuck, let me just...” he sobbed into the pillow, loosing himself completely while pounding into her pretty cunt. He pulled out with a groan, just the second before cumming all over her pretty thighs in warm spurts, also managing to somehow stain the sheets. He tries his best not to collapse on top of her, too afraid to crush her with his weight. His trembling arm couldn’t provide any support anymore and he puts all his effort into rolling over in bed next to her, weary head spinning after the intense orgasm.

“You okay?...” her voice turns him back to reality and he opens his eyes again, chuckling at the sight of her thighs covered in his thick, sticky cum.

“Yeah, I... Hold on, I just... It felt way too good and...” he sighed as she put a wet strand of hair out of his face with her shaky hand, admiring the way he looks in that exact second. “I’ll grab you a napkin. Just let me rest for a couple seconds, okay?”

Leon tried to sit up in bed. Still feeling a bit dizzy, he managed to prop himself up on his elbows and reached for the paper towel on the nightstand. She smiled when he started to wipe his cum off her legs, finally relaxing her muscles, still burning with desire for him as he cleans her up lovingly, giving her knee a pat when he’s done.

“Leon.”

“Yeah?” He raised his eyebrows, stroking her inner thigh genty.

“What on Earth what that proposal? Did you actually mean it?...”

He gulped loudly, releasing her leg, and blinked profusely at the sudden question. Well, what was he thinking? He had asked her to marry him while literally fucking her into the bed. Of course, she was going to have questions.

Without hesitation or second thoughts, Leon replied, "I meant every word. Of course I did," he said softly, moving closer to her again. He nuzzled into her chest, hooking a leg around her body, and she accepted the embrace, putting her arm around his shoulder and pulling him closer into the hug.

"Do you doubt me?" He whispered.

"No, not at all," she shook her head, still trying to catch her breath, her eyes wandering around the hotel room. Thoughts about people definitely hearing this loud ass bed and their moans making her smile again. She sighed and kissed his forehead, her hand slipping down his shoulder to caress his tense back, while the other reached for his hair to play with it. Leon sighed with relief and returned the kiss, placing it somewhere above her collarbone. The warmth of her body comforted him in every possible way.

“And yet, you still look so tense. Are you sure you’re okay?” he asks with a chuckle, a hint of fear crawling into his tone. What if she thinks it was a mistake? What if she was the one who didn’t mean it? What if she just agreed impulsively because of the arousal?

“Yes,” she reassures him with a sigh, pressing her lips against his forehead one more time.

 

“Just wondering how much paperwork we need to do to change my last name back to Kennedy…”

[oakleyyz]

Stupid rant about how ppl talk about Stanford and stuff- kinda like- how the Return To the Bunker wrote him and how that's how alot of ppl see him.

The amount of folks that think "Ford should've just trusted Stanley and Mabel! And everyone else!" Is like- sad.

Fords a victim of abuse and manipulation, and considering how him and Stan grew up, I wouldn't be surprised if Filbrick Pines contributed to both the twins childhood being shitty.

Ford, growing up, was always bullied and teased because of his six fingers, Stan (by accident) ruined Fords chance at becoming 'something' and not just a freak who had six fingers.

and IMO I think Ford had every right to be pissed when Stan said, "But hey! Treasure hunting??" Just completely dismissing Fords feelings.

Yes this was all caused by miscommunication which does happen, and it sucks that they had such a big fallout, Ford shouldn't have ignored his brother, but he was angry.

Now in the future wise, Ford most likely trusted Dipper more because he reminded him of himself when he was young.

But anyways, Ford was manipulated for fucking years by Bill, he trusted Bill and thought of him as a friend (untill ofc he realized what Bill's true intentions were) Bill than used Fords body WITHOUT his permission to do shit/mess with him, Ford was scared to fucking sleep. SLEEP.

Heck, Bill changed some words that Ford would use to something else.

Stan didn't mean to shove him into the portal but he did, Ford was mad that the portal was reopened bc of the threat of bill hanging around (Also in Journal three its said that he was about to kill Bill, which is why he was also pissed.)

Uhhhh, I kinda lost my train of thought, but Fords is not a bad guy. Has he made a lot of mistakes? Yes, but people change, heck one fucking line he says in weridmaggdion is-

"I'm sorry, Stanley, I know, just help me fix it, please!"

Like he knew he fucked up, and bro was also tortured.

#gravity falls stanley #gravity falls #stanford pines #stanley pines #gf stanford #sea grunks #discussion #i hate that episode ngl #the Return To The Bunker #i love these people #bill cipher #dipper pines #mabel pines #weirdmageddon

[basu-shokikita]

Your skwistok duel rants have actually made me ship them. I've been rewatching the series and I'm starting to see more sparks than I did on my first couple watches. Any other big series moments that have you seeing more of their compatibility?

ahhh really?? that's so nice to hear ;o; i love my silly boys

hmm well, tbh skwisgaar accepting toki into the band was what sold me out on skwistok for good. but it's exactly because it explained EVERYTHING for me. before watching dsr i liked skwistok but i was convinced it was a one-sided deal on toki's part. but once that we were shown that it was skwisgaar who welcomed him into dethklok, that it was skwisgaar and skwisgaar only who wanted him in it i was like oh shit...he loves him back....

so rewatching the series with this origin story in mind, made me see them under a new light, particularly when it came to skwisgaar. whereas before i saw skwisgaar being uncaring of toki, i was now realizing that he did care, he just had a shitty way of showing it. he's a tough love kinda guy. yet, he's still a bit possessive of him and pretty protective for his cold bitch standards.

but anyway for skwistok moments that i find important in no order:

skwisgaar's weird jealous tantrum when he walks into toki and his guitar teacher in dethlessons. it's fucking hysterical but i'm also fascinated with the way it's framed like toki is cheating on skwisgaar. which skwisgaar definitely thought, by the way. yes, he was worried about toki becoming better than him but imo he was also upset about toki having a guitar bond with anyone that wasn't him. and hey, after the duel? it makes total sense.

skwistok drunk driving and shooting at the beginning of dethrace. i've already talked about how funny it is to me that skwisgaar was doing that with toki but mostly i think it speaks miles about the both of them that they chose each other to go fuck around and break the law. like, these guys are actually close???

in the same vein, skwistok pranking murderface in prankklok. the way toki lies in skwisgaar's bed so comfortably, like he's been there soo many times that it's essentially his room too. his two little feet dangling in the air, silly laugh while listening to skwisgaar on the phone. it's so fucking cute they love each other's company so much

the infamous 'stop copies me' from dethcarraldo. not only does it send me to tears everytime but it showcases their competitive nature in a way that i find both endearing and cute. i mean, toki repeating everything skwisgaar says and refusing to acknowledge it??? and skwisgaar acting like an offended child about it?? these guys share the braincell, how can you ever separate them?

toki dressing up as skwisgaar in the dethklok tribute band. stealing his clothes. acting stupid when skwisgaar pointed it out. looking absolutely elated when he was called skwisgaar skwigelf in that shitty club. shit out of a fanfic i swear. and then not only that but skwisgaar being fine with being toki in the tribute band?? you guys get a room my god

toki hitting skwisgaar the most in doublebookedklok* considering charles said toki was hitting his bandmates cause he wanted their attention...does it mean he wants skwisgaar's attention the most? look, it might be obvious by this point but having the narrative acknowledge that toki not only idolizes skwisgaar but wants his attention...

the unforgettable, the iconic 'i'll sees you in vallhaska' scene from the s1 finale. i feel like it truly bares skwistok's dynamic to its core. skwisgaar unable to say goodbye properly, so he tells him he'll see him again. toki unable to admit how he really feels about skwisgaar so he says he hates him. skwisgaar smiling because he KNOWS that's not what toki really meant. peak romance right here

skwisgaar actually trying to save toki in bookklok. it's played for the laughs but i can't stop thinking of how skwisgaar genuinely thought toki was going to die and, despite toki essentially ruining his life, he didn't hesitate to run and try to save him. 'comes back to me toki' lives rent free in my mind like what the hell was that. what in the WORLD. was that. jesus christ. how could they end the ep like this really

the entirety of the staresdown. skwistok canon, i'm afraid

last but not least i'd say the entirety of army of the doomstar tbh. it might not be focused on skwistok but the skwistok moments we got out of it were GOLDEN. narrative wise i give a special shoutout to toki carrying skwisgaar on his back + giving him his guitar cause he knew skwis needed it. the amount of love and concern in here. that's his beautiful guitarist wife that he adores.

these are the big moments of the top off my head but really it is about the details with them. a lot of nuances in their relationship are kinda lost to the background because it's not their dynamic that carries the plot, so you just gotta focus on them haha. for example one of my subtle faves is toki going catatonic in dethfam and skwisgaar going 'what?? you're not talking to me??' because like. damn this bitch can't handle his little guy not talking to him for 5 seconds. talk about being codependent

anyway, i hope i answered your question somehow anon ✌️

*upon rewatching doublebookedklok, i've realized toki hits murderface just as much as he does skwisgaar but my point still stands. at the very least skwisgaar is one of the members toki wants the most attention from

#asks #metalocalypse #toki wartooth #skwisgaar skwigelf #skwistok #i was feeling kinda down and seeing this ask made me smile :)) #so thank you #also sorry for going off probably fjhsdjd

[fuck-customers]

Was out the back counting my til tonight when I get these obnoxious ass kids (probs actually late teens but they were acting like spoiled little kids) come up to the front counter, ringing the service bell incessantly. I'm already shut so decide to just ignore them and continue counting thinking they'll take the hint and piss off eventually; once the closed sign's up customers are not my problem anymore imo. They're literally staring straight at the sign with CLOSED in big bold letters while trying to yell and get my attention, "Hey are you closed? Are you guys closed? I'm hungry, are you closed?!" All while still ringing the fucking bell. The continued doing this shit for another 5 minutes even after I yelled out that we were infact closed and turned the front lights off on them when that apparently wasn't enough of an indication; even if we weren't shut I still wouldn't have served these pricks at this point anyway.

One of them got so pissed off at me for ig refusing to humour their bullshit they ended up taking one of the hand sanitizer bottles on the front counter and tried to peg it at me (they missed by a lot, but it still exploded when hitting the wall, that's how hard they threw it).

So yeah, they're fucking banned now. It was super entertaining watching them get all but picked up and tossed out the front doors by security. Eat shit you stupid morons, I would say don't come back but you fucking can't anyway so get bent.

Posted by admin Rodney.

[iraprince]

do you have any advice on how to take a day off and do things that are satisfying and enjoyable and will recharge you, while not putting excessive pressure on yourself or (on the other extreme) doing nothing but scrolling/lying around with executive dysfunction and not actually enjoying what you're doing? thank you 💙

i feel like i say this all the time but: slightly tough one for me to answer, bc i struggle w this myself all the time and i think i'm still at a point where i fail more often than i succeed :') let's try, tho!

so, similar to scrolling, my main unsatisfying timesink is dumb mobile games. like merge dragons and shit. the endless easily fulfillable to-do lists that set off glittery casino-noise dopamine bursts are catnip to me, but like scrolling, i can do it for hours of my free time and then suddenly emerge at the other end and realize i haven't actually ENJOYED any of it, and that i wish i had spent the afternoon doing something else.

on the other hand, tho, the solution is not to say "well, that's stupid!" and confiscate all dumb unfulfilling phone games from myself forever — i like having them! sometimes i DO enjoy them for real, and it's nice to have something to turn my brain off at the end of a long day. similarly i think attempting to totally ban mindless social media scrolling is like, a reasonable thought, but not actually pragmatic most of the time.

i just don't find a lot of success with trying to ban/confiscate anything, or forcing myself to do anything in general. what i HAVE had a little success with, when i remember to do it early on, is reminding myself that i would rather do other stuff instead. "ugh i've been playing fucking merge dragons for an hour, i need to stop and go do the other stuff i had planned today" does not work; i end up internally going "yeah, yeah, i will. right after this." and then next thing i know it's 10pm or whatever. what's MORE likely to work is reminding myself "okay, hey, this is easy and i'm comfortable — but at the end of the day, am i going to be, like, STOKED that i spent all day playing merge dragons? is future ira going to be satisfied + happy that that's how the day went?"

the answer is almost never "yeah!", so sometimes that gives me the motivation i need to get off the couch; but also, sometimes i think about it and actually i don't mind the idea of spending my day of decompressing with games on the couch, which then means i can continue but without feeling naggingly guilty about it at the back of my mind; it can become a choice that i know i actually thought about instead of just something that Happened to my day.

so, summary: ordering myself around is not compelling and also just literally doesn't work; reminding myself that my time is limited and i'm going to have feelings and opinions about how i spent it is a lot more compelling, at least to me. there's a reason you want to do specific things on your day off, and reminding yourself of that desire and those motivations is imo always gonna be better than just flattening them into Things You Have To Do, And Can Therefore Fail At Doing (which is where excessive pressure on yourself will come from)

hope this helps a little!!!! and enjoy ur next day off!!!

[badaziraphaletakes]

Hello!

Omg yes, thanks for bringing that out. The fact that Aziraphale was already aware of the dangers of Heaven as early as Before The Beginning is SO important for the story imo. It really bothers me that ppl's selective memory tends to forget that scene when analysing s2. It feels like they're cherry picking evidence to build a version of Aziraphale that fits their opinion instead of collecting all the data to try and understand his actions.

If you look closely, Before The Beginning and The Final Fifteen are parallels of each other up to some point: in the former, Crowley is saying that he can make a difference ("if I was the one in charge I'd like it if ppl asked questions", "hey boss this is a really terrible idea", "how much trouble can one get into for just asking a few questions") and Aziraphale is saying it's dangerous. In the latter, their roles are reversed, Aziraphale is saying they can make a difference and Crowley saying it's no use bc they're toxic (and it IS dangerous). It's funny bc Aziraphale is agreeing with angel!Crowley now, and Crowley is agreeing with cherub!Aziraphale now (showing once again that aziracrow are one and the same), but they're probably not seeing it.

Aziraphale never had this never-ending belief in Heaven ppl attribute to him (he probably thought that he should have that belief, even pretended to sometimes, but he didn't, his actions show us that he didn't). If anything, angel!Crowley trusted Heaven much more than Azi ever did, bc he was sure nothing bad would happen to him. BUT I also don't think he was naive for that, bc he was trying to make a positive change on things, and that's NEVER a stupid thing to do. He also didn't believe Heaven was always right just bc it's Heaven (his questions are evidence of that), even if he trusted them. For characters like Aziraphale and Crowley, in a situation like theirs, we must look at what they do, not at what they say.

Yes, it also bothers me that some ppl think he's always wanted to go back when in s1 we've seen that he was miserable when he was there, and not wanting to go back to Heaven was the reason for him to help stop Armageddon!! It makes no narrative sense. AND he said it in no uncertain terms "I don't want to go back to Heaven." He said it to the Metatron, but he was retelling this conversation to Crowley, so he said that in front of Crowley, with his own mouth. Crowley knows.

As for not loving Crowley as a demon, I absolutely agree with you and it's all part of the last thing you write about and I think it's an absolutely on point badass take, and it's:

You are SO DAMN RIGHT about this and it grinds my gears. We are supposed to analyse The Final Fifteen using the whole context of the story we got in the previous eleven and a half episodes! We're not meant to re-contextualise the rest of the show bc of The Final Fifteen? That makes no sense in this story?? Especially bc The Final Fifteen is full of biases. Us being heartbroken, the characters being triggered and emotional, the storytelling trying to hide stuff from us, the fact that they were threatened... There are Clues there, I'm sure, but we have to know the whole context of their relationship to understand them.

It's like trying to analyse your whole self when you're having a panic attack. It's not an accurate depiction of who you are. Analysing a couple using only one of their fights and erasing all of their good moments bc of it is pretty fucking dishonest to them.

Thanks so much for your take, I really, really loved your last paragraph and be sure I'll use it again to comment on other takes here 😁😁😁

#mod M😇 #asks #badaziraphaletakes answers asks #before the beginning #badassaziraphaletakes #the final fifteen #goodomens #good omens

[olderthannetfic]

I have two opinions on "petty nitpicking of world building" and they completely depend on the world itself.

If someone is just nit picking because they have nothing else to complain about, then I think it's fucking stupid.

Why nit pick that the books don't cover taxation or how people create magic glass without certain modern production methods to make flat glass panes.

If the nit picking happens because the person just trying to tl:dr and show some key issues with the world building, I think it's fine.

The entire world runs on a pretty inconsistent and honestly shoddy logic, and it's just easier starting to deconstruct this jenga tower one piece at a time, until we hit the big problem areas.

HP criticism is the latter. Imo. There are so many issues, but it's easier to point out smaller issues first, because the moment you start pulling out the calculator to explain why the Wizard school population density is fucking stupid, or why the magical creature system makes absolutely no sense. Then it just gets overly complicated. Joking a bit with the examples, but only a bit. I mean the story has an actual problem with how it handles magical creatures, and honestly, in the worst of ways.

Like, my petty nit picks: You're telling me that we're supposed to root for the side, the Government, that puts all the "non-human wizards" into some strange creature category/cast-system, and uses that to justify not allowing them certain rights and liberties, or even complete ostracization from society. The one character who points it out, is shown as wrong and not understanding culture, because hey, this one cast of magical creatures actually likes being workers with no rights of freedoms in this system. Or how the entire story of whimsical magic apparently finishes its climax with the main cast ending up with the magic equivalent of Government (not so) desk jobs, in the Government that kept fucking up constantly. That's my petty nit pick, but I feel like it's indicative of some big issues with the narrative framing.

--

I don't think those underlying issues make the world building illogical. They just mean the story upholds bad values.

[panelshowsource]

alex talked about that recently in this interview! [rubs hands together like a mischievous little shrimp] i hope we see it one day heh

hehehe it was a fun task! we've NEVER seen alex play such a character during a task like that — he's received cuddles and made demands and eaten meals, but this was next level Alex Acting — so that was really fun!

lucy talking incessantly about alex's legs but mans also got his long sparkly toes

i think people are too quick to call this or that iconic, but ngl the second i saw this final image...it's practically a horror movie poster...PERFECT

can you imagine greg davies being your drama teacher and then he quits to become a comedian and the next day you see him on tv as Massive Greg hand feeding a man with no teeth who is pretending to be a tortoise

honestly if that's the one that haunts you i'd say you got off pretty easy, i scrub my eyes with concrete mix every night to try and forget ass sandwich and yet... but hey at least when he hurt his hand he finally had an excuse for that stupid bandage he wears hahaha

she was being so sincere and he was Such A Little Shit 😭

you know what i was binging some simon stuff as well, since it was his birthday, and ran across this again after all these years!

aw anon i'm so glad ♡

moooost of my fave episodes are like ~2005–2015ish? probably the nostalgia!

21.01 with jess hynes bc she is an icon to me

21.05 love seeing simon and miquita together

21.07 with martin freeman

22.02 with stephen fucking fry YES

22.04 was crazy like conchords-era rhys darby was there (i LOVED flight of the conchords lmao) and then johnny vegas and danny dyer next to each other? what a lineup

22.12 with josh groban, omid, martin freeman, heston is an ALL-TIME CLASSIC

i LOVE the guest-hosted episodes with martin freeman, rhod gilbert, frankie boyle (especially 24.12 with miles jupp and professor green), jack dee, alex horne, kathy burke, and johnny vegas

23.12 doctor who special HANDS DOWN

24.02 it's hilarious how respectable catherine tate is offset by how ridiculous catherine tate is

25.06 when greg hosted with frankie boyle, h was there just being h, holly walsh angel, it was a riot

john barrowman is also extremely iconic on buzzcocks, probably most so on 19.05 but also when he hosted 25.12

there are tons of older episodes from the lamarr era that i love — bob mortimer is so funny on this series especially on sean's team, 12.05 when jimmy and claudia were with phill, fun to see ian dury on 5.01, and so on — but these above are some of my personal all-time faves!

aw i really appreciate the rec! first i would like to say i looked it up on youtube and stumbled across the american version and holy shit the dude who hosted brainsurge on nickelodeon is hosting that and WOW my brain would have died never having remembered he existed if i hadn't seen him just now — so that was very weird. ANYWAYS i'll check it out!

imo it didn't start with ben miller...rob is always like this... sometimes when the pod episodes are shorter (less than 10min? does he do that anymore), you can tell some of the bullshit is edited around, but now that they're longer-form conversations he is dominating every episode. i'm certainly no rob hater, but it's really unsurprising to me because facts are facts — rob is self-involved, extremely concerned about being seen and being heard, incredibly pouty if not outrightly bitter when he's not recognised, when fame/success doesn't chase him, when he's getting less from life than he believes he deserves. there are aspects of rob in the trip that aren't far from reality, if you see what i mean. rob is, honestly, quite showbiz. don't get me wrong, he's funny, affable, talented, we love him! but he's not a stellar podcast host because he doesn't have the attention span to let someone else have a moment. have a story. put something on the table. there are definitely times i give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he's trying to form a connection by sharing a related experience/feeling/whatever, but other times he's just being self-involved, pivoting the convo, and it is what it is. it's too bad when we don't always get lengthy, insightful content for someone we love — like miles, let's say — and when we finally do rob isn't doing his part; i felt that way about the dara episode. i don't think rob means any malice, it's just how he is...+ a dash of being a middle-aged white man in showbiz...

i got this one yesterday...

...and i'm going to dedicate it to you<3

and frankly sign me up for the woz/vcm experience i am happy to be a little tomato in that flapjack sandwich

you guys are really sweet, it makes me smile ♡ i don't know why some days the trolling can really get to you and other days you forget it in a couple blinks... i feel like i've been having some bad days. last week i saw something on my own dash with thousands of notes outright mocking me and i haven't really recovered from the uncomfortableness/just general hurt feelings. i want be better about letting those things go, but i also think a holiday break will do me good. anyways, thank you for always enjoying the blog and taking the time to be so kind ♡

—————

WATCH LINKS MASTERPOST / FAQ / TAGS / ASK

#a #straykind #long post

[nahoney22]

Hey! Hope you’re enjoying the new season!

So, who are your top ten clones. GO!

this is gonna be tough and I won’t lie, I can’t pick 10 so it may be top 12 lmao

But, here’s my top 10(12) 😆

10th. Cody - Handsome dude and did break my heart in the prequels. Good soldier, sassy, and would return my lightsaber. 😊 hope he’s safe.

9th. Waxer - my first love and first heartbreak of TCW. Absolute sweetie and would be a great dad. I miss him 💔

8th. Joint at 8th place is Dogma and Fox - two slight controversial characters for some but absolute angels to me. Love writing for Dogma and Foxiyo until I die is what I say. Would smash.

7th. Wrecker - tricky placement. Cute. Handsome. Looks like a cinnamon roll, is a cinnamon roll and could kill me. Bit too loud for me sometimes though. Would cuddle 🤗

6th. Hunter - my type on paper to a T. Handsome and kinda but also moody. Coolest tattoo. Some choices are questionable but a morally good guy imo. Would brush his hair for him ❤️

5th. Wolffe - bark fucking bark. Or howl maybe. Handsome, moody, and a proper son to my favourite Jedi Plo. I need to and have to write/read more fics about him (open to recommendations pls)

4th. Rex - because how can there ever be a top 10 list without him? An OG. A legend. Sweet and a great leader and loyal to a fault. Again, would like to read or write more about him in fics. I’m not into blondes but for him? Yes.

3rd. Fives - oh my beloved fives. The nightmares are finally over. I have never hyperventilated over a characters death before until his. A legend, handsome and funny. I miss him a lot and wish there were more callbacks to him. Nobody would ever know if it wasn’t for him.

2nd. A hard spot to place but for me Echo and Crosshair are joint here. Two big personalities but very different and complex. I do think Echo is my favourite character to write about out of anyone and Crosshair is just… Crosshair. I like a bad guy but also a grey character in my eyes. Would give them both a kiss on the head and a cookie. 🍪

1st. Tech. Tech. Tech. Tech. Surprise surprise. A personal comfort character for me who I miss alot. Could not rewatch the show because of his death and I miss his big stupid brown eyes 😭 handsome, has the coolest gear, would marry. Either love him or hate him. For me, it’s love and beyond.

There you go 😆 again, this is just my personal favourites and I’m sorry if someone you hate is up there or if someone you love isn’t. It was a difficult choice.

Curios to see everyone else’s so feel free to RB and give me your top 10… or 12… or more! Reasons not necessary 😊

Thanks for the ask!

#the bad batch #star wars #clone wars #this was fun #but difficult #love all clones #tbb

[uuuuuugh0-0]

Hey, do you have any info or tips on diy medicine? I've always been interested but haven't found much success

Medicine is just problem solving. IME it's important to take nothing for granted and get as granular as possible with what you're trying to achieve, because that opens more doors.

Re: that point, diy med is being a medical researcher. Very rarely is work done for you, so there's a lot of fucking around and finding out--how much risk you chose to take is up to you in experimenting; but I'm pretty gung ho and I can still count on one hand the number of times I've tried something that carried more risk than over-the-counter acetaminophen.

Read voraciously--coming from someone who can only get thru about three books a year. It's fucking hard but it is so beyond worth it to work at it, however much you can. Read until you know enough to have questions and then read to find the answer to those questions and/or figure out how to determine an answer for yourself.

Bad sources can be just as educational as good ones--western medicine has a bunch of fuckshit in it and having strong, grounded analysis of why you think an approach, treatment, whatever is bullshit will help you in finding something better.

Anecdotal evidence is useful as FUCK. Western medical practice is regulated formally and informally by legal anxiety and profit motives (ergo an unwillingness to produce anything under a certain statistical bar of effectiveness) but for a LOT of anecdotal home remedies and experimental treatments, risk factors are p minimal and if you feel comfortable trying it based on a realistic risk assessment...you can just try it, lol.

I really want to stress that diy med doesn't just have to be about trying to get a sub-par approximation of western med. Sometimes what we can do for ourselves is limited or less effective, sure--but we are also capable of doing better. There's pros and cons, right, but autonomous medicine gives the opportunity to try something that a doctor never would--sometimes because of risk, but more usually it's about legal anxiety and state restrictions. I remember hearing someone I knew who worked in drug development talk about how stupid it was that their team was having to reinvent the wheel instead of using THC in a drug; even though there exists documentation that THC has the property they were after, their program got federal funding so no marijuana.

Personally my entry point was herbalism and it's not a bad route to go. It can do a LOT, it's very accessible, and unlike a lot of medicine it's less gatekept & there's a significant population of writers creating resources specifically for laypeople with a focus on autonomy and self practice; plus rad community spaces exist and ofc like any scene they're full of bullshit (transmisogyny and gender essentialism in lefty alt health is a huge current, unfortunately), but they can be a good place to like. Network until you actually find the other ppl on the fringes of the scene who you might actually click with. An herbal background also gives you a LOT of directional freedom--lots of sources will combine western medical information on top of traditional and anecdotal practices, which cumulates in a lot of lenses you can apply to try to solve a problem; plus a lot of drugs are or can be plant-derived and having a skillset to identify/grow, harvest and process plants is really useful even if western medicine is the primary lens you want to use (tbh ur basic herbal preparations are often the first step in more exact drug isolation procedures). It's also just essential imo to have more than a western medical perspective--take time to read less immediately practical texts about medical history, other medical systems, and other conceptualizations of illness and the human body. One of my hotter takes? Miasma theory is still relevant and useful. There's a lot of fuckshit everywhere, both within and outside of western medicine--treat no source as authoritative and every claim as a thought experiment! But seriously, take the time to see what's out there. Accumulate as much raw information as possible to build your toolkit.

Some herbal resources I like for beginners (all books on LibGen.is)

Rjwhelan.co.nz -- aoteroa based medical herbalist who presents a really wide range of info from historical/traditional to western scientific. He's got some interesting (read: bad) takes but is a solid writer and information aggregator.

The herbal medicine makers handbook by James green -- good intro to herbal preparation with a range of procedures from simple folk methods to more measurement and chemistry heavy. Also got some weird opinions. That's just kinda how it be.

Wild remedies by rosalee de foret and Emily han -- cute basic introduction to herbalism

The psychopharmacology of herbal medicines by Marcello spinella -- says it right on the tin. useful reference.

The Earthwise herbal (vol 1 and vol 2) by Matthew wood -- listen. I fucking hate this man. I kind of hate these books (organized alphabetically by latin name...come the fuck on) BUT. It is still a pretty ok reference book with a similar approach to Richard Whelan's work and it has herbs that I've had trouble finding in other texts.

On working with others and sharing information: it's important to not play doctor. I strongly encourage folks to help out other people, but in an assistive capscity--not a prescriptive one. Share your sources, explain your opinions! The goal is to offer as much information as possible for someone else to make their own decisions. If you're in the US, this is a pretty good rundown of the legal positionality of herbalists (/health consultants generally) but I strongly advocate for going further than the law in this case on ideological autonomy-focused grounds.

Finally: medicine is not a solitary undertaking. Having a group of friends or even just acquaintances with different needs, priorities and viewpoints will get you much further in a few months than you could on your own in years. And it's slow going at first. It really is. You'll fuck up, you'll go around believing something for years to suddenly realize it's bullshit, you will grow and change. But you'll get there.

[lysol1201]

Thirty, Flirty, and Thriving: Holding Out For A Hero

Vendetta!Leon Kennedy x GN!Reader (can be read platonically or romantically)

A second part to Thirty, Flirty, and Thriving, but can be read on its own.

Summary: You see Leon again, but you’re both on the clock.

Word Count: 1201

Genre: erm idk fluff i guess, depending on how you read it

TW: Mentions of drinking, cults, blood, erm fighting, badly written fighting, this is very poorly written imo. i’m tryna get back in the writing groove. anyway, lmk if more, not beta read we die like luis

++++

It had been 6 months since your 30th birthday. You had never heard from Leon since that day. Although a good time, the two of you went your separate ways (play separate ways) without any contact information. There was that mutual understanding that it was the one night you two needed. You didn’t know if you’d ever see Leon again.

Well, until you did.

“Oh, hey!” You greeted the blue eyed man who looked at you in shock and confusion. “Nice to see you again,” You smiled as he ran over to you.

“What the fuck is going on?” Leon shouted. You may have been used to it, but seeing you tied up in a sack with a bloody face and ritual paintings all over, he was very fucking confused.

You chuckled. “How else did you think you found this location?” That’s when it clicked in Leon’s head. Bait. “Oh, they’re coming. You don’t know me,” You spoke with a serious tone, and before he could respond, you began to scream. “Who are you? What are you doing? Get away from me!”

In shock, Leon looked at you as if not sure how to play along. “Fuck,” He muttered under his breath, turning around to find more fucked up people in some sort of cult. He thought he was over it, but turns out the world refused to stop being stupid.

He had his pistol in hand and prepared, raising it up to shoot those who ran at him. While he shot, ducked, and kicked, he realized the amount of those after him just kept growing and growing. He turned around to find you, but to his dismay, you were gone.

Leon wanted to shout for you, but remembered what you had said. “You don’t know me.” He groaned at the words you had told him, but obeyed. He didn’t shout for you. And before he could complain to himself even more, big stomps were heard. He turned to the side, and there he was faced, again, with some giant pain in the ass.

“God, give me a fucking break,” Leon sighed, frustrated, and annoyed by his surroundings. Fear no longer filled him, it was just irritation. “Fuck off, already!” He raised his deep voice, shooting at the large creature headed straight for him, somehow managing to successfully use whoever tried to attack him as some sort of shield for everything thrown at him.

While Leon fought, he looked down quickly at his watch. 11:58 pm. “God fucking damnit Chris, hurry your ass up.” He grumbled, regretting ever choosing to help Chris with this mission. Or, maybe he didn’t.

He saw you again.

Wait a minute. Speaking of you, where the fuck were you?

As soon as that thought popped into his head, a grenade was thrown into the crowd that went after him, blowing up a good chunk of those who were just trying to kill him. Then, right after, something was thrown right at the giant creature. It stuck.

“Leon, run!” He heard the familiar voice. Yours.

“Don’t have to tell me twice!” Leon shouted back, immediately turning around and running before the large explosive went off, tearing the creature to bits, throwing Leon across the platform from the force. The world was hazy for a moment as he tried to keep consciousness, but from the amount of times he had been thrown, he was hard headed.

Soon enough, an arm forcefully lifted him up. “No sleeping on the job, Leon.” The gruff man spoke. Leon felt his senses return, as he turned to face Chris.

“Where are they?” Were the first words Leon mumbled.

Chris furrowed his eyes, opening his mouth to respond, before he was interrupted. “Right here,” Your voice boomed through behind him.

His head quickly quipped back to view you as he called out for you, rushing to tackle you in a hug. “Where the fuck did you go?” Leon asked. His tone couldn’t show if he was worried or pissed, but you could tell it was a bit of both.

“I’ve been to this rodeo before, Leon, you just gotta trust me.”

“You know them?” Chris approached the two, confused, and almost concerned by Leon actually hugging someone.

Leon had let go of you to turn to face Chris. “You know them?” He emphasized the question, directing it back to Chris.

“They’re working on this case with us,” Chris explained, the “us” referring to the BSAA. He walked past Leon and went straight to you. “Do you have it?”

You scoffed. “Of course I do,” You proudly assured, taking a small chip out of your pocket and handing it to Chris. “Should have all the information you need on whoever the guy is you’re after, whatshisname. Josh. Let’s call him Josh.”

“No. Not Josh.”

“But-“

“Another name.”

“Fine… um… Paul.”

Chris only groaned, changing the topic. “Since this area is cleared out, let’s get back to safety. Need to get you two patched up before me and Leon enter the main building.” Chris explained.

“Wait,” Leon quickly turned to Chris. “What about them?”

“Their job is done, they can get patched up and go-“

“No,” Leon blurted out. He wasn’t entirely sure why. “I mean, I just... I…” He tried to find the words. To find the words that wouldn’t embarrass him, make him look like a pathetic fool.

I don’t want them to go. He thought.

You just smiled a bit at him, turning around to walk away. Then, he panicked. “Wait- don’t leave!” He walked over, grabbing your arm to keep you from walking away.

“Woah,” You turned to face Leon. “I’m not leaving?”

Ada. He thought to himself. I can’t let them leave… not like Ada. Not again.

“I- um-“ Suddenly, he felt embarrassed. You’re not Ada. “Nothing, I don’t-“

You could tell something was bothering him. That turmoil in his head that you had seen before in the countless random drunk conversations you two had months ago. You knew when it was time to derail the conversation. “I’ll be getting patched up, and I’m going to be looking out. I finished my job, I’m no longer bait. So, now, I’m just a backup distraction, if need be.” You explained. “So, team, are we ready to party?”

++++

Leon didn’t know how to feel after the mission, on the ride back to safety. He didn’t know how to feel about seeing you battered and bruised, talking to a more battered and bruised Chris. It wasn’t jealousy, no. Of course not. Unless?

“Hey, Leon?” Your voice snapped him out of his trance. “When’s your birthday?”

“What?”

“Well, it’s been 6 months since mine. Yours has to be soon, right?”

You were right. His birthday was soon. He’d be 38. “Yeah.” He spoke, letting you know his birthday. Yet, he said it so solemnly.

“Hey, don’t worry. We can go drinking again if you like. And look, you’re still in your 30’s,” You smiled at him, pushing him with a playful punch.

Leon scoffed with amusement. “Yeah.”

“Thirty, flirty, and thriving, right?”

He smiled.

“Thirty, flirty, and thriving.”

Leon chose not to drink that year. That time, he had something worth remembering.

You.

#resident evil #leon kennedy #resident evil vendetta #resident evil vendetta leon kennedy #leon kennedy x reader #resident evil x reader #resident evil leon kennedy

[sporesgalaxy]

Hey! Its completly fine that you dont like zadr, its really understandable and i can understand your points. But saying zim is a canonical adult isnt really fair since we cant truly take everything Jhonen says as factual canon, he also said that Zim x Gaz wouldve happened if there were to be a canon romance- implying Zim is not in fact an adult. I am totally against adult x minor ships and if Zim were no doubt shown to be an adult or adult-coded character the ship would be unacceptable, though it in reality is very vague and does not have a set canon. I dont ship ZADR either, but theres no need to put those (who are mostly young people) on the same level as bad people like proshippers when the canon itself is very vague.

Ok fine if we disregard what Jhonen says it's STILL a HUGE STRETCH not to consider Zim an adult. He's stated to be over 50 years old in Tak the Hideous New Girl.

If Irkens just age really slowly, that means Dib is going to be an adult while Zim is still a child. Seems like its fucked up either way to me.

The whole point of shunning adult/child ships is that they can be used to groom real children. If zadr can be so easily interpreted as adult/child (see: Zim stated as being over 50 years old), it could be just as easily used for grooming. In this case I really think Zim is read as adult commonly enough that it should be discouraged like a more conclusively adult/child ship.

That said I'm not sending death threats to kids about this and I never will. But it's still important to point out that its potentially dangerous and might be used by predators as a tool of manipulation. IMO that's MORE reason to discourage kids from getting into it, in like a normal and reasonable way.

Also. There's still more within the text of the show that codes Zim as an emotionally immature adult.

The show's core philosophy is less coherent overall if Zim is a child. IZ LOVES making fun of the fact that children are forced to rely on/have their world shaped by adults who can be just as ignorant and petty and stupid as other children are.

Why would the vaguely-aged but clearly-socially-independent and ignorant protagonist be an exception?

The Irkens also become much less of a scathing critique of the childish shortsightedness and stubbornness of fascist fanatacism if he's not an adult. IZ seems like a show that would go out of its way to make fun of a reliance on child soldiers if thats what the Irkens were doing.

I get it if you were into zadr as a kid but it's ridiculous not to let it go. They can be frenemies and still get into all kinds of wacky hijinks.

#asks #syd writes an essay

[tiktaalic]

please share who you current favorites are when you finish gtn. or just general thoughts on characters. curious

I’ve got like 100 pages left of ebook which I think translates to 50 of real book. And honestly I locked them in pretty early. Ianthe Harrow and dulcemia which is holding pretty strong. I assume dulcemia gets whacked or otherwise fucks off at the end of this fight with ianthe but I’ve enjoyed her while she was around! There honestly isn’t a whole lot of ianthe in this one she just kind of pops up every once in awhile but she really shines. Every ianthe moment is a great ianthe moment. When she says. I have an unpleasant personality and nothing to currently hold my attention span. FASCINATING dynamic with coronabeth. I like when she goes my stupid idiot loser sister and naberius goes hey don’t talk to coronabeth like that and coronabeth turns on killer mode and says I don’t remember her talking to you and she can say whatever she likes and it’s not your place to reprimand her is it now? Ianthe’s definitely fun as her own character even if she is kind of like. If harrow was blonde. But the stuff w coronabeth rly elevates her imo into something unique bc like. There is nobody stumping for harrow because she’s rude and unpleasant. Coronabeth will stump for ianthe till she dies despite the rude and unpleasantness. Layers. Textures. Something fucked up going on in there

#anonymous #ask #gtn

[mamawasatesttube]

this is like a kinda weird pair but what do you think kon's thoughts on/relationship with bruce is?

the hardest part of this is, i think, deciding on how on gods green earth to nail down a bruce characterization when he's been written so wildly inconsistently across so many comics. generally i try to characterize him as like... a good man, overall, but incredibly emotionally constipated and prone to really putting his foot in it now and again because he's got like control issues and whatnot. i think in a lot of comics he turns into more of a plot device (and white male power fantasy, conflict driver, etc) than a consistent character, so it kinda makes it hard to be like "man i wish he wasn't an asshole" but also i just dont think he can be a total dickwad and still be a hero bc imo that makes the entire meta fall apart. heroes have to be good (can be incredibly flawed, but have to be good) for the genre to work, i think. otherwise its like oh boy thats just cops.

so that being said...

i think bruce cares for kon in the way of any awkward-but-well-meaning parental figure with their child's best friend. i also think he's absolute godawful dogshit at making that clear at any point. i don't think he particularly has any reason to dislike kon other than when writers try to make him racist against metas or play him into misogynistic "my daughter can't have friends who are male!" tropes, which i just kinda. tend to throw out personally, so i don't really think they have that sort of conflict, but i do think kon doesn't really know what to make of him because he knows bruce has pulled some shit with tim (like tim's 16th birthday fiasco, which is imo the kind of thing thats like. in character for a bruce-esque fuckup. literally wouldve been fine if he'd just told tim like hey this is a practice exercise i want you to take seriously. tim wouldve happily larped about it with him like cmon man), AND with cass, two people kon definitely cares about. but kon adores clark and bruce and clark are pretty close, so i think to kon he's in the nebulous space of like "weird distant uncle-ish figure" or something.

i DO also think bruce is fond of kon in a distant but anguished way because he saw firsthand just how badly losing kon affected tim, and quite possibly cass if we kinda just. throw out the stupid mind control arc and let her like. have a storyline that isn't whatever the hell that was. also there's something to the fact that an alternate universe kon was his robin. he probably learned about that when kon reported back to the jl after hypertension arc. i think he probably had at least one (1) emotion about it but didn't tell anyone.

the comedic version however is that bruce finds out that baby kon wanted parents so bad, is deeply affected because he is NOT immune to a little guy who wants parents, and keeps really awkwardly trying to dad at him but he's so weird and awkward and distant about it that kon straight up has no idea what he's doing. who the hell just bought him a new oven to replace the one in his apartment he complained to tim about one (1) time??? tim swears it wasn't him so what the hell??? bruce is pleased with himself, kon is so fucking confused, and clark meanwhile will be laughing his ass off about it all.

#answers #Anonymous #kon #bruce

[straykits]

[ voicemail / hwang hyunjin ]

a (incomplete) collection of voicemails on a phone that hasn't been charged for over a year. // if i could have this entire thing in italics i would but i won't. anyways, something a bit different imo. idk how i feel about it tho yikes

warnings: implied reader death; please do not read if that will potentially put you in a bad mindset. ; alcohol

wc: 1.3k

[ 11:23am ]

"hey, y/n. it's me. i know you probably won't hear these-"

an exhaled breath of laughter.

"'probably'? i know you won't. you never used to check your voicemails, anyway, but- but now you really never will."

silence, and then muffled cursing.

"i knew this was a stupid idea."

beep.

—

[ 07:56pm ]

silence.

"...i'm going to pretend like you'll hear this and reply."

a deep breath.

"hey, how are you? i've miss- i've missed you. we should catch up-"

inhale, exhale.

"i stopped by felix's yesterday. he's even better at baking now than he was the last time i saw him - and i know i see him a lot, but it's like he gets better every day. he made these really nice cookies. crunchy on the outside, but they're... all soft in the middle. you would have loved them. he gave me a while box to bring home - a bit too much for one person, i think, but you know how he is. always giving things to others. remember how we used to joke that he's almost like a grandmother in that way? or an aunty? the one that keeps on feeding the kids? god, that joke started years ago. when we first met, i think. and he's still like that. i guess some people don't change."

a soft laugh.

"i wonder, sometimes, if i've changed. i mean, i know i probably have, but i wonder how noticeable it is. how much have i changed, since i met you? since we started dating? how much have i changed since you- ... since it happened?"

silence.

beep.

—

[ 03:41pm ]

"i came home and there was a parcel at the door. it has your name on it, but i don't know what it is, so i thought i would... do a live unboxing, i guess."

the sound of plastic, and then grunting and tearing.

"what the hell, why was that bag so tough to open? if i kept my shoes in there, maybe kkami wouldn't bite them... anyways, the parcel inside is wrapped in bubble wrap, but it looks blue. the object, not the bubble wrap. wait, let me get scissors- oh, never mind."

the sound of tape being torn off.

"you know, i used to think you were so annoying with bubblewrap everytime we got something. you'd keep it and say it was so you could use it if you needed to wrap something safely, but then i'd find you popping it while you studied."

a laugh.

"anyways, i'm unwrapping the bubblewrap, and- oh."

a pause, and then a gulp. the sound of a light metal dragging across the floor. a sigh.

"it's a collar for kkami. its really cute, y/n. you chose a good one. i'm sure kkami'll love it."

beep.

—

[ 03:57pm ; same day ]

"i just. i think it's a little cruel that orders are still sent and delivered to people who have already passed away. isn't that a little... messed up? it's like-"

his voice breaks.

"it's like the world is reminding me that you were alive, and it's not that i want to forget you and move on - i don't think i ever could, y/n. you were so good and you were just- just this unbelievably bright light in my life, and for the world to keep reminding me that you were here but you won't ever be here again is so fucking cruel."

beep.

—

[ 01:23am ]

"y/n, angel."

a pause, rustling of the sheets. his voice is whispered.

"i miss calling you that. i miss saying your name. seeing if you're home. asking where you're going, why you're leaving the bed when the sun isn't up. i miss sleeping next to you. i miss your stupid legs kicking me. i even miss having to pull the blanket back from you - can you believe that?"

a deep exhale.

"i haven't been able to sleep. i keep thinking about the last time i saw you, but- but i can't even remember what day that was. i can't even remember if i told you i loved you that day. i hope i did."

a shakey inhale.

"i have work tomorrow. i'll call you again soon. i love you."

a sniffle.

beep.

—

[ 10:19pm ]

"y/n? hi. hello. it's hyunjin!"

his voice is slightly slurred. he sniffles.

"y'know what today is? of course you do - it's your birthday! happy birthday! I got your favourite cake from that bakery you liked, today. and a candle. and i blew them out for you, because, y'know, you can't. and then felix came over for chicken, and we had a few drinks. he went to get some snacks, so he's not here right now. it's just us."

there's a few gulps, and the sound of something being placed back on the table.

"yesterday, i thought i would be able to cope with today. i'd celebrate your birthday with the cake, and then go to sleep, but..."

a sad, tired sigh.

"i started remembering again. remembering you. how we used to have late night snakes and watch movies. how we were in our own little world, at night. just you and me. you and me. us. i miss us. i miss you. i still can't believe that you- it was just a normal day, and then suddenly- why, y/n? why you? why did- why won't anyone help me understand why this is so hard?!"

deep breaths can be heard, but they sound forced.

"you know, it's so stupid to talk to a phone! i'm- i'm talking to a phone every second day, and its so stupid and i know you would want me to move on, but i can't-"

loud banging in the background can be heard, and a voice calling out hyunjin's name.

"ah, felix!"

"hyunjin, what the hell man? how much did you-"

"be quiet! I'm talking to y/n-"

"you're-"

the voice is in disbelief.

"give me that-"

"fuck off, i'm fine-"

"fine my ass!"

the sound of clattering and yelling; hyunjin seems to be in distress, arguing against new voice. the sound of footsteps approach, and then-

beep.

—

[ 08:21pm ]

"...i haven't done this in so long, it feels so weird now."

a moment of silence. traffic can be faintly heard in the distant.

"hey, y/n. it's me again. sorry i haven't called in... in months. i think it's been almost a whole year since i last called. you might be wondering if i've moved on, yet, but i don't think i can answer that question. not now, anyways. but that's why i'm calling- or, leaving this message.

"i moved out of our apartment. i got a new apartment, and it's only twenty minutes away, but it feels... different. not that i'm trying to forget you, but it feels like it can be a new start, you know? the sunset is really nice, here. it's a small apartment, so most of the main area is orange when the sun sets. it's really nice. there's also a spare bedroom, but i'm using it as a studio. it's got a window, so it'll help circulate the fumes out.

"um.. what else? oh, right. i've also been seeing a therapist. i think it's helped a lot. of course, i still have days where i just- where i just feel like i can't do this, and i just miss you so much that it hurts... but there are good days. lots of them."

hyunjin pauses, as if to let the thought settle.

"i don't know when i'll call again. i don't know if i'll call again. a lot has happened. i'll tell you all of it, bit by bit, over time. i just... wanted you to know that i'm doing better. that i still miss you, and that i love you, always, okay?"

there's a silence, bittersweetness alleviated by a sigh.

"okay. that's all. i'll visit you soon. i love you, y/n."

beep.

#ficscafe #stayhavennet #hwang hyunjin x reader #hwang hyunjin angst #hwang hyunjin imagine #hwang hyunjin drabble #stray kids x reader #stray kids imagine #stray kids angst #stray kids drabble #stray kids #hwang hyunjin #i know theres a lot of silences okay #i also feel like this had more potential but i once again just wanna get the idea out and then sleep so </3

[aspd-culture]

Do you have any like actual tips for pro-socials who have antisocial loved ones, like friends or partners? So many sites are like “dealing with a [x]? Here’s ten ways to handle it!” and then it details abusive tactics (which is blatantly stupid, IMO, pwaspd/npd already expect the world to do this to them so idk where they’re getting the idea that pwaspd/npd wouldn’t expect this behavior because their upbringing TRAINED them to expect this behavior but hey, nobody said ableists actually knew what the fuck they were talking about).

I personally struggle with an aspd trait here or there alongside a bigger bpd/npd comorbidity so I get the pathological aspect of this disorder but truly, it is hard to like. believe them when they say they care or whatever because even though I know, mentally, that the bare minimum is pretty much their way of trying to care when they don’t get anything out of it like I do, a small part of me wishes for the mask back where I got the effort and adoration I used to. It sucks but I also don’t think pwaspd should also be left behind in society just because their relational instincts got fucked up before they had a chance.

Idk. I feel like there’s a lot of ableism that people without aspd need to unpack (myself included) but it’s also like, what do you do when someone quite literally admits to manipulating you (in an effort to hold themselves accountable) and frequently lies to make their lives easier? Like I get it Mentally and I can pinpoint why their actions Are them trying to care and show care, especially if they actually do care and well, aspd innit? but the mental understanding is one thing and the craving for the emotional connection with them is another.

I hope this is cohesive and I hope I’m not imposing or being an ableist dick or anything, I just. Don’t think it’s fair to hold the disorder against them and a grand majority of people who think “HOLD THEM ACCOUNTABLE” about mental illness advocacy is almost always punitive and withholding and expecting an exorbitant amount of groveling or self-flagellation on part of those with “scary” disorders and idk how to approach this with sensitivity and nuance that it deserves and requires.

Ok, so first part of your question asked for tips for prosocials who have antisocial loved ones. Here I go into how to support someone with ASPD (suspected or diagnosed).

Following the tips further down in this post can avoid conflict as well as help you communicate in ways that are effective to pwASPD.

As for dealing with someone telling you they are manipulating you, try and remember that much of the socially acceptable (and even some mandatory behaviors) are manipulation. Manipulation is just trying to affect someone's feelings, thoughts, or actions, or trying to change the end result of a situation. This includes flirting, job interviews, college applications/essays, pay raise negotiations, court proceedings (on the part of everyone in that room except the judge and jury), etc etc etc. If you have ever apologized with the hope or expectation that you will be forgiven, you have manipulated for your own gain. If you've ever bought someone dinner before asking them a favor, you have manipulated someone. One of the most romantic things someone can do - an elaborate proposal where you take them on a lovely date to their favorite places and make them feel special and then list all of your favorite things about the person before asking them to be with you forever is MASSIVE manipulation. It's just not malicious manipulation. Have you ever tried to convince someone to get out of an abusive relationship? That's manipulation for the purpose of sabotaging a relationship because you believe it is what is best for another person, even at the expense of what they think about it and what they want. Does that make it wrong? Of course not. There is such a thing as being manipulative in neutral and/or positive ways - society just doesn't like calling all of that stuff manipulation because the word manipulation has been given a nasty connotation.

As for the lying, though, if they are lying to *you* consistently and not making effort to change despite communication about it (including reassurance that you will allow them to explain themselves fully without interrupting and do your best to remain calm even after that no matter what they tell you - people with ASPD need that if you expect us to give up a coping mechanism as big as lying in a close, vulnerable relationship/friendship that we don't want to lose), that is a problem. It is not acceptable for them to lie to you. You are entirely in your right to make boundaries and separate yourself if they can't be honest with you, especially about big/important things, but honestly about anything. If they're lying to other people in a way that doesn't affect you, though, why is that a problem? They are dealing with their symptoms and making certain they are doing so in a way that doesn't harm you. That is very difficult for someone with ASPD, as it would be for anyone with any personality disorder, and that effort should be respected and appreciated.

Also who *doesn't* do things to make their lives easier? If you were being asked by a creep at a bar for your number, would you give it to them? Would you maybe lie about having a partner or give them a fake number or say you had to go for a pretend emergency to get out? Yes, those lies are for your perceived safety because that situation could be dangerous, but for pwASPD (people with ASPD), every interaction with other people has as much potential for danger as the situation I described. It is understandable to not be used to seeing things that way, but that was our life during vital stages of development and there are things we had to do to adapt to that reality. ASPD literally changes how your brain is wired, so there is only so much that you can expect us to change, and one thing you cannot expect from most of us is to get rid of that belief that we are in danger. Trying to only really makes us see *you* as a danger trying to get our guard down so you can hurt us.

I also don't think "the bare minimum" is a fair way to describe the way pwASPD show love. It not being what you're used to is not the same as it being the bare minimum. It takes an exceptional amount of work on the part of someone with ASPD to try to understand, accommodate, communicate with, and avoid hurting prosocials what with all the extra effort that requires for us. We literally work more than a prosocial does to be "extra" in a relationship just to manage what you call the bare minimum. What is caring about someone if not inconveniencing yourself purely for the sake of understanding them and making them happy? What is love if not effort?

I do understand wishing for the mask to come back, but as someone who has disorders you mentioned in your ask, I'm hoping you understand why asking them to do that would be unfair, unrealistic, and ableist. However, it is none of those things to privately miss that time, and it sounds to me like you're doing the latter which is in no way problematic in my opinion.

There are ways to ask for some of their previous behavior and treatment back without asking them to mask again, if it's things that aren't symptoms of ASPD themselves. For example, if they initiated hangouts/dates more often before, it's completely reasonable to ask them to do that again. If they no longer are expressing interest in your emotions, you can address that concern. Things like that don't have to be asking them to mask - it can just be asking them to do some things within your love language. That's not unreasonable if you're being kind, communicating with them, and making sure your requests are made within reasonable expectations with their symptoms.

You're allowed to have needs and most pwASPD will respect you much more if you can effectively communicate exactly what they are, rather than a generic "I don't feel like you care about me as much anymore" or expecting us to read social cues we aren't wired to understand/look for. I have given (and stick by!) more than one pwASPD the advice to not engage with guessing games and make boundaries expecting their partners to communicate in a way they can understand easily - and thus to not adjust behavior unless they have been told that it is causing harm unless it is *blatantly obvious*. When I say that, I don't mean obvious to prosocials; I mean things like physical or sexual abuse. Even raised voices are pretty normal to plenty of pwASPD, to the point where it isn't obvious that that would scare or hurt someone.

However, if no amount of simple behavioral changes or verbal reassurance can convince you that someone with ASPD cares about you without them basically not having the disorder or letting you cherrypick allowed symptoms, then I feasibly see two choices for you. This isn't me trying to be a jerk, just being objective to what I think makes sense for you and them. The first is that you can put in the work yourself to unlearn the ways that you're used to care being shown to allow you to accommodate your loved ones with ASPD without feeling hurt. If that isn't something that can work for you, that's okay. It's okay to have boundaries and be honest with yourself about what things you are incompatible with. However, at that point, the only thing to do that would be fair in my opinion is to separate yourself from the people with ASPD that are in your life.

I'm not suggesting you never speak to them again (although you are certainly allowed to make that choice for yourself). I'm suggesting you may need to restructure your relationships with those people such that feeling like they don't care (so long as they are doing their best to show they do) won't negatively impact you. In other words, for example, if you can't handle a partner showing they care the way they do because of their ASPD, then it's your job to end that relationship with them and either entirely remove yourself from their life, or just be friends.

If that's the choice you need to make for yourself, then I think it's important that you stress to them that this is not anything they have done wrong or need to work on - that it is an issue with how you are able perceive people caring about you. It's hard to say this in a way that won't sound ableist, because admittedly the issue would be rooted in some societal ableism (not really ableism on your part, just that the way children are taught to perceive love is incompatible with ASPD and even other disorders that can affect empathy and such).

It is very important to note that most of this does not apply if what you are dealing with is abuse - meaning for the purposes of this that they know they are hurting you, they are in control of the behavior that is hurting you, and are choosing to continue it without making any effort to change despite you clearly communicate your pain and what exactly is causing it. To evaluate that, you need to be objective and really ask yourself if you're coming from a reasonable place or not. Are you asking this person to either not have a disorder or allow you to pick and choose what symptoms you find acceptable? Or are you communicating boundaries to protect your wellbeing and making compromises that work for both of you while respecting their past and their symptoms? Those are two very different things, and there are shades of gray inbetween. Asking another prosocial who has not intentionally worked to unlearn their ableism against ASPD and done their research into its symptoms or a pwASPD who has not taken reasonable steps to heal their trauma and not hurt those close to them is not going to be truly objective. If you have a therapist who is aware of and respectful of ASPD, they would be a relatively objective place to evaluate what is abusive vs symptoms they can't be expected to control, assuming you could keep your language neutral (moreso than in your ask, which while not disrespectful or ableist, was definitely not entirely neutral). However, as a person with ASPD I would always prefer my partner speak to me about their concerns over my behavior before they ask anyone else - so if you haven't done that, I would certainly advise you to start there.

Even if any of the things I said are ableist or are rooted in ableism apply to you, it's worth noting I'm not saying or implying you are ableist yourself. Evidently, you came to a blog to get help with this situation from someone who understands the perspective of your loved one as much as possible, and that shows you likely aren't ableist - but as you mentioned one can have ableism to unlearn while not being ableist themselves. Please do not take any of this post as aggressive or attacking. It was all written in a neutral tone, I promise. I am aware how my text tone can come off to prosocials, which is why I specify this. If I was upset with the ask or thought you were just an ableist person or that the ask was disrespectful/not in good faith, I would just delete it.

I hope this helps and if you have or need any clarification, have any other questions, etc. you are more than welcome to submit them to me./gen

#aspd-culture-is #aspd culture is #aspd culture #actually aspd #aspd #aspd awareness #actually antisocial #antisocial personality disorder #aspd traits #anons welcome