A letter you’ll never read…
You’ll never get the chance to read this, but thank you. Thankyou for showing me a glimpse of real love. Thank You showing me what it feels like to adore someone so much it quite literally swallows you whole, wanting someone and wanting to give every inch of you to them, until you are absolutely nothing.
You weren’t the first boy to touch me, but you were the first boy to touch me with love, the first boy to touch me with kind hands and a soft touch. Thankyou for helping me understand that not everyone has harsh and hard intentions with me.
But now that you are gone, I am forever longing to be lost in your green eyes, green doesn’t give them justice, they’re forest green, grass green, emerald, or whatever one-word descriptors you want to use but they’re more than that, they’re fresh green on a newly sprouted tree in spring, whilst also being the dark swirled mixture of the murky sea in wintertime. I long for them, I ache for them, to look at me, one last time, look at me like they’re never going to look away, but they did and they have.
You were the warm soothe of a honey drop lolly falling down my hoarse and strained throat. You were the smile on my face when I realise i still have half an hour more until i have to get up for work. The goose bumps taking control of my skin when I jump out of bed at 1 am to get a drink. I find parts of you in everything I do. The songs i hear on the radio, the soft smell of melted butter. The green tinge of my school books reminding me of those goddamn eyes. Parts of you follow me everywhere forcing you to become my every thought.
Crying about you feels wrong, how can someone who brought me so much joy and happiness be the root to my every tear, my every raspy cry for air, my every late night thought. You were my happiness and I refuse to have you become you as my sadness.
I think falling for you was the easy part; your charms, your goofy jokes, your cheesy words, your long cuddles and your beauty. How could I not fall for that? It’s me admitting that I have fallen in love with a boy I never got to date, a boy I never got to show to my family. Realising i loved you as soon as i couldn’t love you. That was the hard part.
I loved you Caleb, I love you. Fuck. And i really mean it. I love you, and now I dont have the chance to show you my love, because you don’t want it. And i understand that now, you are one of the most amazing people i have had the chance to meet and have in my life, our time was short, but you have taught me so many things. Please don’t forget me. Goodbye.