#in 2x05 he Wanted to live

[loki-us]

Loki literally stares directly at Mobius for almost 10 full seconds before announcing what his time slipping is really about. Sylvie is behind him the entire time and Loki only turns around to say he can rewrite the story, to tell Sylvie what he’s already decided to do. There is absolutely no doubt who Loki is referring to when he discovers what’s really driving him.

#this scene will never not make me go feral #Lokius #im screaming #loki #because Loki knew mobius liked working there #so he wanted to save the entire TVA for mobius #and that love saved countless lives across the entire multiverse #thoughts-theories #loki-us blog #loki s2 #loki season two #loki season 2 #loki show #loki series #mobius #mobius m mobius #it’s about who #Loki 2x05 #science/fiction

[torturedpoetemotions]

The thing is that Stede is actually not a mediocre man who thinks he's exceptional. YMMV on whether he's a mediocre man or not--I think that greatly depends what you're measuring by--but it's extremely clear that he doesn't have any illusions about who or what he is anymore, if he ever did. I mean consider:

"I don't fit here anymore do I." (1x10)

"The Republic of Pirates is no joke." (2x01 - said to essentially a past mirror of his worst possible self, both acknowledging that he didn't belong there before and recognizing that he's changed since)

"I am (a screw up). And I'm alone! Don't be like me." (2x02)

"I messed all of this up." (2x03)

"It recently occured to me that I (know nothing...could learn at the feet of one of the greats)." (2x05)

"I've been a failure my whole life." (2x08)

He doesn't posture, deflect, and lap up praise wherever he can get it because he thinks he's the greatest pirate to ever live. He does those things because he knows he isn't. He does those things for self-protection, and because the only thing he's starving for more than affection is validation, and it's obvious. He doesn't put a ridiculously optimistic spin on terrible situations and odds because he doesn't know how dire things are. He does it because he does know, and that's the only way he's ever learned to cope.

I used to think his attempt to fight Zheng Yi Sao was an uncharacteristic moment of chest-puffing, but on rewatch? It's really, really not. The man is devastated. He's about 3 seconds away from crying. I don't think he even thinks he stands a snowball's chance in hell of actually beating her.

It's more that if he got everything he thought he wanted, but it means watching what he really needed all along leave him anyway (his found family, his love), he doesn't care if he loses. He's self-destructing and perhaps he's also trying to show the people who cheered when he killed a man for them just the night before that he'd do it again, that he'll always fight for them so they don't need to leave.

#ofmd #stede bonnet

[jellybeanium124]

it's so unbelievable (it's completely believable) that people forget that after 2x04 when izzy gets his leg, he's like, fine. he's chillin the rest of the season.

2x05? peak chillin. he literally spends the day hanging out with his worstie stede bonnet and carving a shark. he is doing his little pirate activities and going about his day he's chillin

2x06? chillin so hard he wears makeup and sings in public. izzy's mental health is potentially in the best state it's ever been!

2x07? he's being a little pervert sure, but a happy little pervert. he's chill with stede and ed fucking. he tries to give ed nice advice. he tries to get stede out of a bad situation before it gets worse (and then it gets worse). he even gets to hit a guy over the head with a chair!

2x08? he's chillin in that jail cell. ricky does not upset his vibes at all. he's not begging for death (like a certain someone in 2x02), he's just at peace. he's been at fucking peace for half the season.

he's not suicidal!!! he's chillin!!! izzy from 2x05-2x08 is his mental health peak.

what else is he supposed to say? he's using his dying breaths to help ed instead of hurting him for once in his life. saying he wants to live would only make ed more upset. "I wanna go" along with everything else he says is him showing ed some goddamn compassion for the first time ever.

#ofmd #our flag means death

[ladyluscinia]

"What if it weren't like that?"

...or I'd like to propose a different theory of what's going on in Edward's head.

Going into the S2 finale, I feel like there's once again a huge consensus that Edward and piracy are an unsustainable mix, and he has to quit. Specifically after 2x07 he knows for sure, 100% that he wants to quit, and he's pulling away from Stede because he doesn't know how to communicate that certainty to him.

There's a very established meta framework backing up this belief. It's not new, just everyone pointing and saying "look! - the show is affirming us" at the same time. And it does make a lot of points about foundational trauma, the violence of the lifestyle, etc. I don't need to break it down for you. If you're seeing this post then you've seen the arguments before.

The thing is... I'm not actually sold on this read.

Edward is a complicated guy and I love to try and peel back his layers, and I'm not sure that retirement is truly his endgame. And maybe more importantly... I'm not sure retirement endgame is quite the thematic crescendo it's being presented as.

So let's talk a bit about Edward, particularly in 2x06 and 2x07.

---

Edward's Ongoing Depression Spiral

The thing about backsliding - and the Kraken was a pretty monumental backslide - is that even if you gain a lot of ground afterward, you still might not be much further than where you started.

Edward believing change is possible with Button's 2x04 guidance + his & Stede's conversation about taking it slow at the end of 2x05 are both huge steps for a guy that was openly suicidal at the beginning of the season. However, in the grand scheme of things, he's pretty much cycled back to the dilemma he was facing in S1 - continuing life as it was is intolerable, but he doesn't actually have a solid idea of what he wants. "Stede" is not a real, actionable answer.

In S1, this caused him to run recklessly into extremes of vulnerability with Stede because Stede was doing something different. He tried to metaphorically cut loose his entire history - as a pirate, as Blackbeard, as Edward Teach - and become a new "Ed" with no baggage, who was free to live an endless vacation honeymoon with his new boyfriend. And when the consequences of their own actions came crashing back in - an abandoned Izzy, Spanish Jackie, and Chauncey Badminton - Edward's desperate actions to save Stede turned into over-commitment to a guy he barely knows, a reckless plan to run halfway around the world to escape himself, and then a truly disastrous downturn when that blew up in his face.

Wherever you go, there you are - except Edward hates that guy. Edward's only concrete want so far for the new direction of his life is the one thing that's impossible - to not be Edward Teach.

So now, back to contemplating the same unknown future he was trying to chase in S1, the Kraken Era has given Edward new perspective, for better and worse. (I'm gonna link my rambling BlackHands / Kraken Era thoughts from 2x01 - 2x03 just because.) He's learned caution and is dipping his toes in self-reflection - Stede's love alone is not enough to save him, and his self-loathing has been acknowledged. Reckless pursuit of change without growth was doomed - an important lesson both Stede and Edward have started to learn.

Unfortunately, growth requires looking backwards, and if Edward was already disinclined to that due to killing his dad, he's struggling so much worse now that he's got months of fresh atrocities that he absolutely did not need to commit.

---

Drowning in Guilt

Edward's core trauma that he flashes to constantly goes back to killing his dad that night - something notably not associated with piracy. That guilt is the root of his self-loathing, but Edward is a rather troubled grown man with guilt aplenty, especially after the first two episodes of S2.

In 2x05 Edward starts with a CEO scripted non-apology firmly recategorizing all of his Kraken actions as "whatever that nasty dark stuff was that brought us here... it's in the past", and then his discussion with Stede does not involve too much reflection on why this probation is necessary and drops this gem:

"Oh fuck no. Apologizing? Nah. Didn't apologize for jack shit."

However - demonstrating self awareness / growth - he's also clearly projecting guilt and a desire (that's almost too big to look at) to apologize to Izzy for everything, and then he honestly talks with Fang (who he's known for 20 years!) about how he can not be understandably mad at him, after Fang pushes back on Edward's toxic rewriting of Knife Parade. He even learns to sit with himself!

All of which makes the start of 2x06 so layered.

We open with Edward sitting with himself, looking out over the ocean and stewing in guilt - in order: his dad, the storm, Izzy's toe, shooting Izzy, driving the crew to mutiny - and then the conversation that Edward was haunted by all last episode comes to him. He's back in his leathers - playacting the penitent with the onesie and cat bell got old after a day, and he had never truly linked his probation rules with any of his earnest feelings of remorse. Just a necessary performance to appease the crew.

Now he's himself again, as uncomfortable in his own skin as ever, and Edward Teach apologizes for Izzy's leg. He isn't being demanded to apologize by Izzy (no matter how much he may deserve it). Izzy is fully prepared to pretend it never happened despite the evidence of his body. But Edward wants to - needs to for the babiest step toward his own peace of mind - and so he does.

And then he flees from one guilt and accidentally stumbles into another. Stede has so helpfully pulled all Edward's Kraken treasure into one place, and Edward lampshades it:

"Excellent. A reminder of all my guilt. A guilt room."

Now, Stede has a decent idea here. His "poison into positivity" bit is not bad (and it echoes the language Izzy and Edward used - though I think it's a tossup whether Stede heard about that or if the parallel is purely on a Doylist level). It definitely lifts Edward's mood for the day and pulls him out of his guilt spiral for a bit.

Until it comes back so much worse.

Ned Low. Oh fuck the implications of Ned Low.

So here's the thing. People have rightly observed that Edward broke Ned's record intentionally during Kraken Era. In fact, since he makes the comment about "We got a record to break" after the wedding boat aka the last ship he takes, and Ned isn't coming after him for a tie, presumably he set the new record and then proceeded to break it over and over again. Just to rub it in. Just to really piss the sadist off.

And if Edward's attempt to take the whole ship and crew down with a storm at his lowest point was bad, what he was courting by baiting Ned before the season even started was worse. This is a man who would have tortured everyone on the breakup boat to death when he caught up to them, and Edward was passively planning on letting him do it.

Edward knows this.

Poison into positivity just became "oh shit I forgot I'm the most poisonous thing any of these people have ever run into," and he's just getting started. It's hard to shove it down and brush it off and pretend it was no big deal when Stede starts getting the hot poker to the chest.

He doesn't want to kill Ned because he's not worth the poison, but the poison is already here.

When Stede kills Ned, Edward has already spiraled. He's already got a whole narrative in his head about how this is all his fault, how this is his poison, his guilt, his Kraken surfacing to ruin Stede too.

"I'm not a good person, Stede. That's why I don't have any friends," Edward chokes out.

"It all boils down to this - You're afraid you're unlovable," snarls Hornigold's ghost in the gravy basket.

"I hate myself," Edward realizes.

"Don't do it, Stede. Killing in cold blood" - like I did - "you can't come back from that" - like I haven't.

Edward's guilt is projecting all over this scene. He's made some baby steps toward seeing Stede as a flawed person vs mythical mermaid whose love can save him, but the idealization is still coloring both their views. Stede still hasn't told Edward about any of his childhood traumas or deep seated insecurities, and Edward has continuously avoided putting together that Stede is fucked up as well. He's convinced himself that killing Ned Low is a great tragedy that will permanently scar Stede's previously unblemished goodness in a way that is all Edward's fault, and he's sticking to it despite how completely it does not apply.

Reality has never been much good at breaking through his self-loathing before.

Izzy tries to warn him to give Stede a minute, but Edward doesn't listen. And while there's a good amount of concerned boyfriend in that act, I also suspect there's more than a little self-harm. Edward's spiraling about what he's wrought. He shows up at Stede's door already paralleling this to killing his dad. Of course he wants to be in the blast radius.

Apparently, having sex about it.

---

"Bye-Bye" Blackbeard, See You Again Soon

Last season, when Edward's ignoring his past went poorly, he tried to metaphorically bundle Blackbeard and all his traumas up and cast them into the sea. He was "Edward Teach Born-on-a-Beach," and then "No-Beard" who found folding stuff in prison fun, and then he's kissing Stede and getting excited about picking new, cool names for China, because:

"Our old lives would be gone. Dead. Never were."

Edward, babygirl, that is not how that works.

Now, he's actively backsliding down a guilt spiral, just had ill-advised sex a day after the "take it slow" talk that he's already regretting, and he gets up in the morning, pulls on another goddamn robe, and goes to literally bundle Blackbeard up and cast him into the sea.

Babe you already tried this.

I don't think it's a coincidence that disposing of his leathers signals Edward is back to reckless change instead of intentional change. He tries to make breakfast in bed despite never having ever made breakfast before and explains his twine as a panicked decision. The idealization of Stede is back in force - he chooses now to tell him about the mermaid vision - "fantastic," he describes him - and thanks him for saving his life. (Once again, in times of trouble, Edward is the one offering up rosy imaginations for their relationship that swallow him whole and Stede is shoving his recent childhood trauma flashbacks down to be Normal™.)

In the Republic, Edward does avoid becoming straight up jealous of all Stede's positive infamy, but he's also doing his hardcore all or nothing thing again - this time running away from himself toward a grubby, poor, "nobody" version of Ed (or do we think he's gonna try "Jeff" again?). Jackie calls his attention to how his new life direction (as of 6 hours ago) is not necessarily aligned with Stede's, and - rather than doing something as crazy as talking - he mutters "shit" and heads to the docks where Izzy finds him.

For a guy who felt "Fucking great" throwing away his leathers, Edward sounds kind of sarcastic, even if I'm sure he's feeling just as light as he was on that Naval Academy beach. But Izzy - going through his own shit but still trying to be supportive - opened this conversation with a joke about Stede and I suspect thinks they are talking about putting the "Edward retiring to be with Stede" plan back on the table. (Edward could clear this up, but he's still not communicating his emotions to Izzy.) So Izzy encourages him:

"Maybe you should listen to it."

Edward's face falls, he looks back down at the fishing boat, and apparently gets himself a new job. He just needs to go dump his boyfriend about it. They're simply incompatible, you see?

Edward's a fisherman now. He's gonna sit with himself until he finds a better guy in there, just like Fang taught him. (Don't blame Fang for this 😆 he just wanted Edward to stop talking!)

Now there's a lot going on in the breakup scene, but I want to talk about one statement Edward makes (keeping in mind he's already spiraled all the way into his new fisherman identity):

"I don't even know who I am! Alright, I know I don't want to be a pirate, but you..."

Because, see - I don't think the second part of that is necessarily true.

It's not that Edward doesn't want to be "a pirate". That's what he's using as shorthand (and a way to strongly delineate his new career from Stede: "Fishermen and pirates - they're nothing alike.").

What he's not saying is, once again, I know I don't want to be Edward Teach.

And, babygirl, I love you... but too fucking bad.

---

Better Piracy as a Theme

There's a lot of meta around about how Edward views piracy as a kind of enforced toxic masculinity. How his traumas are woven so thoroughly into his Blackbeard career that the thought of continuing as a pirate is killing him. He has to retire. It's the only way he'll truly be happy as "just Edward."

And I question that framing.

Like... Edward clearly has trauma tied up in piracy. His time on Hornigold's ship appears to have defined his (and Calico's Jack's) fairly fucked up approach to casual violence. His time as Blackbeard has enabled his poor impulses, and he is absolutely sick of piracy as he's experienced it the first time we meet him. That's not in question.

But while leaving is one solution, I think change is another.

In the OFMD universe, piracy is not a stand-in for toxic masculinity. Stede, an outsider, describes it as a "culture of abuse" in the first episode, but it's the culture of piracy where we see openly gay relationships, polyamory, freedom of expression in clothing and presentation, the oppressed having power... to treat piracy as inherently toxic is to deny that the culture of piracy is what gave life to Calypso's Birthday party. Our main characters are pirates.

There is a lot of violence and most pirates are very troubled people, but it's not piracy's fault. That's getting the cause and effect reversed. The "problem" with piracy and pirate culture is that the people coming into it and building this community are already traumatized.

As Edward points out to Stede:

"It's usually something like that. It's often family-based stuff."

(Also the problem might be the pirate Captains, lol. I mean, if you start listing the major drivers and enablers of toxic culture... Hornigold, Ned Low, Calico Jack, Blackbeard. Fortunate, then, that the crew of the Revenge is demonstrating that piracy can also be about workers' unions and supporting each other against your shitty boss while operating in a thriving community. He can play nice or get out.)

Oluwande tells us from the start that people don't choose to be pirates - they get forced into it by terrible circumstances in a terrible society. Piracy is the community that accepts the outcasts, but it can't magically fix them. They have to do that themselves, which our crew is showing can be done.

Stede did not swan in with all the answers, but he gave his crew the space and all the confused-yet-well-meant support they needed to strengthen their own bonds and community. Oluwande and Frenchie especially have been really stepping up in leadership positions. Like, the whole plot of 2x05 was showing they have successfully formed a union and that they will operate as a united front against their captains if need arises. It's so good!

They are living that better culture that Stede wanted so bad, and it's not just our crew.

Piracy influenced by the Revenge crew has been shown as helpful and even desirable to chase.

Hellcat Maggie and the rest of Low's crew don't sail off to get new jobs - they are resuming piracy but this time talking about profit sharing. Anne and Mary, our oh so aggressive BlackBonnet mirrors, retired from piracy together like Edward was dreaming of in 1x09, and what "fixes" them is burning it all down and returning to piracy (rejecting Mary's fears) with their love at the forefront of their minds.

Edward wants to leave piracy behind forever because he has depression and hates himself, but the biggest thing he hates himself for isn't even a thing he did as a pirate. He's pushing back on his Hornigold trauma from the moment we meet him - in fact, I have a whole other meta idea I need to pull together after the season about how he has potentially thought he was doing "soft piracy" in spite of Hornigold this whole time - but the guilt he feels about killing his dad is still too big for him to even look at. And that won't go away even if he could cut 20+ years of Blackbeard out of his chest.

He's bored. He was stagnating. He needs to address that knot of self-loathing before it successfully drowns him.

Maybe people are right and he could be the one pirate to find peace operating a bed and breakfast? Maybe he'll follow in Jackie's footsteps and stay connected to the community by running a gay bar or something?

But I also think, maybe, he has a community surrounding him, a home and love on the sea, and a career with plenty of aspects he did enjoy - sailing, fuckeries, luxuries, creative problem solving - and he might just need to join everyone in striving for a better culture?

And step one would be realizing that wherever he goes, he's still Edward Teach, and he's got to stop running from that fact.

#our flag means death #ofmd s2 #ofmd s2 spoilers #ofmd meta #my meta #blackbeard ofmd #edward teach #character arcs #ofmd piracy #ofmd 2x06 #ofmd 2x07 #really wanted to get this one out before the finale because i imagine it's going to either support my theory or cut its legs out #and if it's the former i want the opportunity to be smug 😘 #ladyluscinia

[moon0fairy]

Finished 2x05 of heartbreak high and oh boy stuff went down (contains spoilers!!):

I kinda expected the identity of bird psycho but also didn‘t want it to be true. He was kinda acting sus during the camping trip and something about his mannerisms, the way he looked made me suspicious

On reason why I threw away that thought is because I couldn‘t think of a motive since he‘s the new kid but I‘ll guess why‘ll find out soon

Poor Malakai tho, he deserves someone who truly likes him :( I can‘t tell if I still like Amerie x Malakai because she‘s done some not so nice stuff but let‘s see

Amerie listing out to Malakai what he‘s done wrong in a frog costume and a flute was hilarious

Poor Quinni, I totally get it tho :( She was so focused on her detective work and then suddenly it all collapsed. I also panic when my friends have so much stuff going on and I feel left out. I‘m just glad we got such great autism representation

Darren, Cash and Harper sounds like the most chaotic living situation ever (I feel like Cash would do all the household chores and being stressed out)

Kinda need more Darren and Cash scenes, I‘m glad they‘re communicating more ( minus Cash not telling Darren about the whole Chook thing, which also understandable)

Interesting that we get a Spider redemption arc and yeah, after seeing his living situation, I can understand why he behaves like that (what Missy said). I hope he learns that he doesn‘t have to be such a shitty person

Also MISSY IS SO GORGEOUS I HAVE A FAT CRUSH ON HER (Spider you better treat her right)

#heartbreak high #heartbreak high spoilers #heartbreak high s2 spoilers #heartbreak high 2x05 #malakai mitchell #amerie wadia #darren rivers #darren x ca$h #ca$h #missy beckett #spider #rowan callaghan #quinni gallagher jones #harper mclean

[reallygoodplants]

I've been reading a lot of discussion recently about whether Ed made enough amends from 2x05 onwards: if his nonpology should count, if his probation lasted long enough, if he showed enough regret for the trauma he caused the crew etc.

To me personally, the answer is yes. I think it was handled quite well, and I don't need to see 10 eps of him grovelling. Admitting he wants to make amends but not quite knowing how, reconsidering his past behaviour, letting Lucius push him off the ship, "sorry about your leg", listening to what people (Fang, Stede) tell him, trying to move away from the Blackbeard-persona and piracy in general - those felt real and meaningful.

Is that enough? Well, I think the answer becomes very clear when looked at in the context of the show and the themes of guilt/forgiveness in other characters.

First of all: Izzy. Who sold Ed, Stede and the crew out to the English and used the English navy's power to assume a captaincy he didn't earn on his own merit. Who played a crucial role in Ed's mental breakdown and following murder-suicide attempt. While of course Ed is responsible for his actions towards the crew, Izzy has very deliberately and on purpose used every trick in the book to replace the soft, open, heart-broken "namby-pamby" with the Blackbeard of old. He may not have wanted the deranged Kraken, but he did want the brutal, vengeful, merciless pirate who risks his crew's life on a regular basis to raid ships, to drive them hard, and, well, be a proper pirate captain with all the violence that entails. Even in the most sympathetic reading of Izzy, where he acted out of a misguided sense of protectiveness or whatever, he fucked up big time.

Izzy has never uttered a word of apology (or nonpology) to the crew. Or openly acknowledged his hand in Ed's transformation mid-1x10 (which all happened in Ed's private quarters) to them. He never apologised to Fang for the shitty way he treated him even before Stede Bonnet came into his life. Or to Lucius for being a homobphobic dick to him. Or to Stede for trying to kill him multiple times. He didn't thank the crew for risking their lives to keep him alive.

He is never made to wear sackcloth and a catbell ashes.

Instead, he earns his redemption incrementally through his actions: he keeps Ed from firing into the mast (thus saving all their lives at the last minute). He keeps Ed's (presumed dead) body on the ship. He accepts Stede's presence in Ed's life and helps him become a better pirate. He He opens up and shows vulnerability during Calypso's Birthday. At the very end, he apologises to Ed and acknowledges the pain he brought him.

Is that enough? It certainly is to the narrative. It kind of is to me.

But the important point is that he is redeemed because the people in the show - Ed, Stede, the crew - decide that he is. They choose acceptance, cooperation, kindness and belonging over grudges, punishment and bitterness.

This show doesn't expect characters to deliver pitch-perfect, PR-approved apologies or self-flagellation or a tit-for-tat reckoning of all their sins in order to be deemed worthy of redemption. It expects them to move on. To change. To try.

(I meant to talk about the narrative's treatment of Stede as well here, but I think this is quite long enough already and it wouldn't change the main point).

#ofmd #meta #ed teach #izzy hands #ofmd s2

[aboutdifferentthings]

Jess never stood a chance with Lorelai. 

I have read a lot about Lorelai trying to be nice to Jess and trying to help and what a douche bag he was because of the way he talked to her in 2x05. I will not say that he was not  harsh and rude but, honestly, I get it. In fact, I do not only get it, I find him quite restrained during the episode until it is just too much. His wording was far from best but  he was completely right about he said.  

What happens in 2x05 is  what sets the path of their relationship because as Lorelai herself said once.  

And Jess is not what she wants him to be. She wants Jess to be like she was at his age but he is not and that is what she never gets. 

She has a bad disposition towards him even before she meets him. She tells Luke  if he needs her she will be there but it just sounds forced because she only says it after not getting him to say she is right.

But what I think is the key are these two sentences.   

These sentences show how Lorelai has no faith in Luke doing this but guess who is a great communicator? Guess who is going to be able to straighten him out with her charm? Yes. Exactly.

When Lorelai and Jess meet Jess is being polite enough.

He says ‘hi' he waits (more or less patiently) while she says her daughter can show him where the wilding takes place   ( half joking, assuming he is wild). He goes after  ‘the class is dismissed’ line. She gets upset. She was expecting him to  laugh around her jokes because she was being cool and nice?  He is angry, he is hurting, he has all the right not to be happy but she is not taking that into account because she is in the ‘I know what to do’ mode. 

When Jess meets Mia, he acts more or less the same than with Lorelai . It is not personal, it is how he is feeling.

However the difference between Mia’s and Lorelai’s reactions is huge. I am Happy Lorelai found Mia, I wished Jess had found someone like Mia too.    

Luke and Jess make it to the dinner (the worst of the nightmares for a socially awkward teenager)  but he stills holds it. Lorelai’s face when she does not get him to be supper happy because he got invited to her house with a bunch of strangers after being kicked out from his home says it all. 

She is so ready to fix this boy and his situation because she knows.  

Jess still behaves when he meets Sookie and Jackson and he gets to interact with Rory and ask her to bail with him ( he needed hardly one minute to ask her to walk around with him or sit on a bench and look at their feet, just saying). 

He stays, and he would have made it to the table but he needed some air, and he took the beer and she finds him. If she would have just said. - Sorry Jess no beer allowed today, we are waiting for you at the table, I am sure  he would have come in ( not in the best mood, probably but he would have). Instead she goes with the fake tone again, half joke, over acting ‘refreshing’ and from there to the you are not hungry. And Jess talks. 

He says he is not hungry but she does not listen and she ‘guesses’ ‘you do not want to be here’ and he talks ‘I doesn’t matter’ but she is still not listening, she goes on 'in Star Hollow'…. Of course he doesn’t want to be in Stars Hollow, he wants to be home, and she does not get it because she ran away from home and was happy to find Stars Hollow and Mia and she assumes it is the same for him. She run from home but Jess wished he had one. And here comes it, The little advice….  

No Lorelai, you have not been there. This kid was abandoned by his father when he was a baby, this kid has been kicked out of his home by his neglecting addictive,  abusive mother because he was being a nuisance she didn’t need. You have been in a bad place but it was a different place, you have not been in his place. He is not playing the ‘my parents don���t get me thing’ he is not maybe screwed,  his feelings are not maybe valid instead his parents do not love him, he has been living in a traumatic situation you can not imagine all his life, his feelings are totally valid. Are you really telling him he is lucky? Yes, she is.

Here is the thing, she tried to be Mia but the problem is that she is not being genuine. She is doing it because she wants to be the cool understanding adult who totally gets this rebel boy and to show Luke how well she can handle the situation and how clueless he is, but it backfires because she is the one being clueless:  Jess is a high sensitive boy who is going  through a lot and she has zero empathy with him. She patronizes him and what happens is that he can see through her, he can feel no connection, he could never trust her because she thinks she already knows everything so she does not listen, she has zero interest is what is really going on with him.

You can see the change of expression in Jess’ face the second Lorelai says Luke is very special. He detects something but she is so absorbed in her own discourse she can not read Jess and she still has the audacity to say ‘you are so lucky’. That is the last straw. He snaps at her with the 'you are naive or you are getting some’ but really, what did she expect? 

She expected him to say: ‘yeah, thank you, you are right I will give it a chance I am sorry I took the bier’. And when this does not happen she wants to smash a pie in his face and decides he is screwed forever. 

She is completely overreacting because she can not believe he has not surrender to her. And she decides to hate him from here to the end of times. She will never accept he might have a good side. She will hold onto this conversation and build her own image of Jess. No matter if he, Luke or Rory try  to change her mind, she will always think the worst of him. 

Let me show you what Mia tells Emily about the day she met Lorelai.  

And what Emily answered.

Emily would have wanted Lorelai to find someone who did not listen to her and sent her home. She never listened to Lorelai. Lorelai never listened   to Jess (and very little to Rory). Lorelai wanted to be Mia  but she turned out to be Emily.

 He never stood a chance with her. 

#jess mariano #It took me a while to put my thoughts together #I just could not let it go #it just frustrates me #it is sad

[damn-stark]

Chapter 9 Hearing damage

Chapter 9 of Sugar

A/N- BUTTERFLY EFFECT!!

Warning- Swearing, fluff, ANGST!!! Death, spoilers, long chapter, and Naoya Zen’in

Pairing- Suguru Geto x Gojo!fem-reader, (future) Choso x fem!reader

Episode- 2x05

(Let me know if you want to be tagged)

————

It all circles back to the same thing, doesn’t it? Your lack of strength, every single time.

This time though it led to someone’s death. You’ve never actually experienced grief before, you came close but you denied it and thankfully it didn’t become a reality. This time though it’s real.

Haibara is dead because of you, because they couldn’t identify the curse right, and sent teenagers to kill curses. You could blame them; the school, the higher-ups, every person in authority who doesn’t take in account that you’re only children, but…that’s only one miniscule part of the truth. If you were stronger your friend would be alive. Now he’ll never smile again, now you’ll never see him around campus again, or go with him on missions, now he’ll never get to see another day.

“It was supposed to be an easy mission to exterminate a second-grade cursed spirit!” Nanami interjects to try and grasp what happened, while he also explains things to Suguru who stands across from you watching Haibara’s lifeless body.

You still can’t grasp what happened either, it plays over and over in your head, but you can’t—you don’t want to accept what you see, what happened.

You can’t even talk about it like Nanami, you can’t talk at all actually. Ever since you left that place you’ve been unable to speak a word, and when you got home that stayed the same even as you embraced Shoko. You just cried into each other's shoulders, but that’s all.

Nanami on the other hand, he’s loud, he’s angry and it’s off-putting since he never expresses himself that way. It’s why when he throws the stool to the metal doors on the wall, you gasp softly.

“Damn it!” He exclaims.

“Their faith in Ubusunagami,” he adds. “That was a local deity. That was a first-grade case!”

Your eyes fill with tears at the sound of the comment as you feel another pang of guilt.

“You need to rest now, Nanami,” Suguru interjects calmly. “Satoru says y/n took care of the curse.”

Not like it helped, Haibara’s still dead.

“Why can’t we just leave everything up to him alone at this point?” Nanami mutters through his exhaustion.

Suguru pulls the sheet over Haibara’s torso, leaving his face exposed, and making your breath shutter.

You try to reach over to caress his cheek, to say one last goodbye before he lives on in your memories for the rest of your life. But as you raise your hand you see that it’s trembling so you clench it into a fist and pull back, instead, you let tears escape out of your eyes.

You want to speak too, but nothing but a small breath comes out. There aren't enough apologies you could ever mutter for this…pain or guilt to ever go away. You’ll always carry it with you for as long as you live.

“Y/N,” Suguru whispers. “You need to go rest too. Come on, I’ll take you.” He walks around the table to try and reach you, but just as his hand brushes over your arm you pull away and storm out of the room with tears rolling down your cheeks.

You try to reach your room, but the truth is you don’t make it that far before the pain crashes over you, sweeping you off your feet and taking you under. You had held back this long feeling only a lingering effect as your mind and your heart tried to reject the truth, but you just saw it in the face and it’s torture.

You’ll never see him again. Never.

And it’s true you planned to leave after graduating, but these bonds you made with your friends are eternal. You wanted to still be in touch, you still wanted to hang out, you wanted to make sure his life was okay. But now you never will—

But why? Why him?

Why not you? Why him?

“I’m sorry,” you mutter as you let yourself fall on some patch of grass. You don't know where you can’t look up to figure it out, and all you know is that you didn’t make it to your dorm.

Now those tears that came down scattered, soak your cheeks, and memories torture your mind. All you want now is Satoru, just him sitting next to you would be fine, but he’s not home, he’s gone. So you sit alone and cry.

You don’t know how long, minutes perhaps, hours, but it felt eternal before finally you’re snapped from your stupor by the sound of Nanami’s voice.

“Y/N, you should be resting, you took quite a few hits.”

You lift your head off your knees and wipe the tears away before you look up at his own red eyes. “I healed,” you mumble. “But you? How are you feeling?”

Nanami sighs and surprises you by sitting down next to you on the ground. “Physically I’m fine,” he mutters and loses his eyes on nothing in-particular ahead. “Shoko healed me.”

You nod in comprehension and look ahead to mutter, “I’m sorry. You’re right I’m meant to be strong and I wasn’t. If I was he’d be alive, but,” you sob. “My family is right, I don’t deserve my rank, or my technique. I’m weak and I’m sorry.”

Nanami lets out a deep breath and stays quiet for a moment, letting your sobs fill the tension. You don’t think he’ll speak up, you know he’ll accept your blame. But he interjects quietly.

“I was too harsh on you,” he surprises you by saying. “I know you’re not like your brother, but I kept comparing you to him and I’m sorry.”

You sniffle and blink to look at him with disbelief.

“It’s not your fault,” he says and slowly meets your gaze. “It’s not anyone’s fault but the people that assigned it to us. Do you understand?”

You sigh and hesitate before you nod softly.

“Hm,” Nanami hums and drops his gaze. “It’s not your fault, all right?”

You don’t believe that to be true, but it does assure you. “All right,” you whisper. “And it’s not yours either. You fought well, Nanami.”

His eyes flicker up and he nods softly as he takes the compliment.

“You did too,” he later redirects very quietly. “I…was impressed.”

You offer him a small smile before you throw your arms around his neck and pull him close. Nanami seems surprised by your action, but after he grasps it he slowly returns your embrace very gently.

“I’m glad you’re here, Nanami,” you whisper shakily. “I'm glad our paths crossed.”

There’s a moment of silence that follows before there’s a response. “Yeah, me too.”

You draw in a deep breath and nod softly. “Everything’s going to be okay,” you assure him as you think about the choice you made over the offer Yuki made you.

After she helps you you’ll be the person Haibara needed, the person you want to be. Everything will be okay then. You’ll make sure of that.

——

*LATER*

“Hello?”

Tears run down your cheeks, but slight relief fills your heart. “Satoru,” you greet softly.

He sighs through the phone before he answers a lot softer than before. “I’m sorry I didn’t answer before, I was caught up with work here.”

You nod as if he could see and drift the subject to what you need from him. “When are you coming home?” You whisper shakily.

Satoru stays quiet for a moment before you hear shifting, and then an answer. “Look, I'm sorry, okay? I'm stuck with back-to-back work here. But I’ll try and finish as fast as I can, okay? I heard what happened and I'm sorry…just hang out with Suguru or Shoko until then okay?”

The relief disappears at his comment, and your agony heightens again. All you wanted was one person since the other doesn’t want to be with you anymore, but now that one person can’t be with you either.

“Okay,” you mutter. “Bye Satoru…take care.”

“You too, I’ll call you tomorrow,” he says.

You hum in agreement and hang up the phone.

You've hurt before, but this pain is different than before. Because before at least some deep part of you knew you’d make it out, but this time you’re not so sure. You don’t know if you can make it past this loss.

How do people move on? Because as far as you can see it’s all so bleak. There’s no light at the end of the tunnel, no hope. At least not while being here.

Nevertheless, amidst your never-endless thoughts a light knock raps on the door.

It must be Shoko, so you slide yourself to the edge of your bed to try and welcome the visitor, but the door opens and you see that it’s not in fact Shoko, but Suguru.

“I just came to check on you,” he says as he closes the door behind him. “Is that okay?”

Where there was darkness once before, now there’s a shining light.

You don’t answer him though, you get off the bed and quickly walk over to him to throw your arms around him. Suguru seems to be caught off guard most likely because you rejected his attempts at comfort before.

“Suguru,” you cry softly into his chest.

He wraps his arms around you tightly and gives you a soft squeeze. “I’m sorry,” he mutters. He then slides his hand up and caresses the back of your head before he lays his chin on your head.

You proceed to squeeze him and draw in a deep relieved breath of air, taking in his scent that brings you even more comfort. When you exhale you pull back and meet his gaze to interject. “Can you stay with me until I fall asleep?” You query.

Without hesitation Suguru nods before he grabs your hand and pulls you to your bed.

“Have you ate?” He asks as you lay down.

You nod softly. “A bit a little bit ago. But I’m not hungry. Have you?” You ask as you watch him lie down beside you.

Suguru turns his head and looks at you with a very faint assuring smile. “Yeah, don’t worry about me.”

You sigh with disappointment, but you don't protest, instead, you pull your blanket up to your chin and lose your gaze ahead. “If I was faster,” you cut in. “If I was stronger I-I could’ve helped him. But I wasn’t either and now he’s gone.” You whimper and hide your face on your pillow.

“Y/N,” Suguru whispers. “It’s not your fault. There’s nothing you could’ve done. You were stuck too, so don’t blame yourself, please. Just try and get some sleep, okay?”

There’s nothing that could be said that can convince you otherwise right now, so you let it go instead, and close your eyes to try and do what he said, making sure he stayed there and didn’t leave before you could lose yourself in the darkness slumber brings.

However, sleep doesn’t take you under, no matter how you turn, or if he’s at your side. So after a while of tossing and turning you peel your eyes open and lift them, noticing Suguru is already watching you. When he catches your gaze he huffs softly and looks away.

“That’s kind of creepy,” you point out with a soft laugh. “Especially because you’re my ex.”

Suguru rolls his eyes and huffs. “You asked me to stay here, so I think your comment can’t stand,” he counters.

“Still,” you rebuttal. “It’s creepy, It’s okay though. I’d watch you sleep all the time.”

Suguru scoffs softly, and his lips twitch to a very short smile. You on the other hand lose your smile and sigh sadly. If you don’t ask now then your mind will just continue to play what happened, you’ll just torture yourself with guilt so you need to distract yourself. Albeit your distraction isn’t anything lighthearted either.

“Why?” You croak. “Why did you break up with me? And don’t give me some bullshit excuse. Just talk to me, we promised we’d be honest with each other didn’t we?”

Suguru drops his gaze and his face hardens.

You sit up and grab his jaw to turn his head so he can look at you.

“Tell me,” you plead. “If there’s something wrong tell me. And if it’s something as simple as the fact that you don’t love me anymore then tell me that too,” you reveal quietly, making his eyes narrow and a huff of air escape past his nose.

“I,” he mutters, making you hold in a deep breath as you wait. “Don’t know who I am,” he says and looks away. “There’s this person within me that I don’t know. It scares me but not in the way that I want it gone, it intrigues me, and that’s why I hate it. And I know that if I tell you, you’ll hate me, everyone will.”

“Suguru,” you whisper and slide your hands down to grab his arm. “I could never hate you. No matter what, I love you. Just tell me okay, be honest.”

Suguru blinks and looks at you with a watery gaze. “I can’t,” he mutters. “I can’t tell you. You’re so sure of yourself, so headstrong that if I tell you, the way you look at me will change.”

You shake your head and slide your hands down to grab his arm. “You can’t know that if you don’t tell me,” you interject. “Talk to me, Suguru, that’s all I ask.”

“Y/N—”

“Suguru,” you cut him off as you sense him trying to get around it. “I love you, no matter what you say, no matter what you do I love you, okay? And if you don’t love me then I will still love you, just talk to me.”

Suguru scoffs. “It’s not that,” he says softly. “I love you. I do…”

Relief washes over you at the sound of his words, and that fear that plagued your thoughts finally vanishes.

“That’s why I let you go because I don't want you to be dragged with me, you don’t deserve that,” he quivers. “You’ve been through so much, I can’t be the cause of more of your pain.”

You shake your head and tilt it softly so you can meet his gaze. “Talk to me,” you assure him. “Just let me listen.”

Suguru swallows thickly and averts his gaze before he parts his lips. “Ever since Satoru recovered Riko’s body, since I lost to Toji, the value of non-sorcerers has been wavering in my mind,” he pauses and his eyes flicker to you as if to see if you’d react badly. “The admirability of the weak…the ugliness of the weak. I find myself struggling to discern the differences and accept those things. There’s a part of me that despises non-sorcerers, and a part of me that wants to reject that part. My vision for what lies at the end of the marathon game, of being a Jujutsu sorcerer, is so vague now that I can’t tell which represents how I feel.” He breathes out as if he is exhausted and looks at you in a way you never thought possible.

He's always been so strong, physically and mentally that you never thought he’d break, but here he is looking at you completely broken and asking for help.

“Do you understand?” He asks. “It’s okay if you don’t like what you hear, if you hate it that’s okay too.”

You exhale deeply and grab his hand to cup it and pull it against your chest. When he feels your warmth and the soft touch, he meets your gaze again.

“Suguru, I don’t hate it,” you assure him. “I don’t hate you for the way you think. I mean you do know me, right? I’m not a saint, I have my thoughts on non-sorcerers. I don’t like them. And now that Haibara died because of a curse…all my hope to find a path to value them again is lost. So,” you swallow thickly and lean in to cup his jaw. “I could never judge you. Who would I be if I did?”

Suguru lets out a small breath and you see his face lose some of that worry and that agony it held. Yet his eyes still hold pain as he reaches over to grab your hand that you have on his cheek.

“How did you choose?” He asks. “How did you become okay with it?”

You sigh and sit back. “Well,” you say as you carefully think about what you want to say. “I can’t say I struggled much. I come from a world that doesn’t much value non-sorcerers in the first place, you know. I rebelled against that as I grew, I wanted to be unlike the family that raised me, but after,” you pause and blink as you remember the bad memories.

“…after that day happened,” you continue and lower your gaze. “I couldn’t find it in me to value them. And I knew it was wrong, it was selfish, but then I thought about what I hate…if I pretended to like them then I would be the person I hate; a fake person who goes flaunting who they’re not, a two-faced. And I already disliked so much about myself, but I couldn’t hate myself, that’s the one thing I promised myself I wouldn't do, so I chose to accept it,” you finish and then study him.

Suguru doesn’t look assured, or resolved. You never thought that would heal him either, so you softly add on the truth you feel.

“Look Suguru, I can’t give you a clear answer on what you should pick. That’s something you’ll decide, but I do know one thing. We weren’t put on this earth to cater to non-sorcerers, we aren’t their saviors. The world would be a much better place already, don’t you think?” You huff softly and slide your hands down to his neck. “But if you want a purpose in your life for it to make sense then live for yourself, Suguru. Mourn the person you were and celebrate the new person that’s inside, that’s how you move on.” You scoff and shake your head.

“I don’t know if that made any sense,” you mumble but it makes sense in my head—anyway,” you scoff nervously. “Hate them if you want, go back to liking them, just know that you can’t go back to who you were. Move on, it’s okay, it’s life. We make mistakes and learn from them over and over again. Just know I will accept whoever comes out of the ashes.” You finish and offer him an assuring smile.

Suguru draws in a deep breath as he nods and exhales shakily, letting his watery eyes soften. You can’t hold back anymore and wrap your arms around him to pull him against you. He sighs deeply as he returns your embrace and rests his head against your chest before he cries.

He’s not loud, but you feel his shoulders shake, and your shirt begins to grow moist, so you rub his back and kiss the top of his head for comfort as you let him be in the embrace for as long as he needs.

After a while, when your legs ache for the way you’re sitting, he pulls back and faces you with a soft look. “Thank you,” he whispers. “For listening, for trying to help, I appreciate it, and I’m sorry I couldn’t find it in myself to tell you from the beginning, I should have.”

“I’m sorry if you ever felt like you couldn’t trust me with truth,” you counter him.

Suguru shakes his head. “No, I was just ashamed of my thoughts, that’s all. I didn’t want you to hate me, anyone but you.”

You scoff and look down to smile bashfully.

“I love you,” he says, making you snap your eyes up and look at him with disbelief as if he hadn’t said it moments ago. “More than anything.”

Your breath catches and your smile shakes. “I love you too,” you whisper, and quickly press your forehead against his.

Suguru lifts his hand and caresses your cheek, making you lay your head on his shoulder as you cling your arm and leg around him. He laughs softly and hooks his arm around your neck before he lowers his head to press a gentle kiss on your head.

The pain of grief is still there, but there’s light again and the agony and gape Suguru left is gone.

Or…is it?

“We are back together right?” You probe. “Or else this is very wrong.”

Suguru lets out a breathless laugh and rests his head on the top of yours. “Yeah, if you’ll take me back of course. I was a jerk.”

You scoff. “Yeah, you were, but it’s all forgiven. I missed you.”

“Yeah, I missed you too,” he whispers.

You smile softly and hold onto him tighter. Now through the silence that builds the sleep you lacked before begins to lull you. However, Suguru breaks it as your eyes are getting heavy.

“I’m going on a mission tomorrow morning. I’ll be gone for an entire day, maybe?” He reveals. “I don’t know, but I am going close to where I lived.”

You smile slightly. “I should go with you, help you, and see your parents. They do love me.”

“They do,” he agrees. “But you should rest. Perhaps we can ask to get assigned together next time.”

You yawn and nod. “Yeah, that’d be great. Me and you on a mission would be awesome. We work great together.”

Suguru hums in agreement and then moves you both down to get more comfortable in your bed without letting you go.

“Maybe,” you mumble. “You should let your hair down more, Sugar. I loved it like that the other day.”

“Hmph, I thought you were mad at me.”

You giggle. “I was, but you tempted me.”

“Okay,” he mutters in a lighthearted tone. “But,” his tone shifts. “What’s the offer Tsukumo was talking about?”

You open your eyes and shift before you're honest. “She offered to train me after I graduate, or now. I’d be her pupil for I don’t know how long.”

He stays quiet for a moment before he asks the inevitable. “Are you going to accept it?”

You exhale deeply and close your eyes again. “Yeah, after what happened, I am. I don’t want to lose again. I just don't know when yet.”

You were ready to leave before, but after talking things out with him that question is up in the air again.

“That’s okay, right? That I accept her offer?” You inquire.

Suguru scoffs. “I'm not going to protest. If it’s what you want then go for it…it’s Satoru who will have something to say.”

You open your eyes to roll them while you retort. “He always does. Not like it matters, it’s my choice. And I’m not leaving yet. So whatever.”

“So when were you thinking of leaving?” He probes quietly.

You shrug. “I don’t know, but just know I’m not leaving you behind anytime soon so don’t worry.”

“You don’t have to stop because of me—”

“I know,” you cut him off. “But it’s you and me, yeah?” You ask and pull your head back to face him. “Besides I want to stay with you, I want to be here when you know who you want to be.”

Suguru hums softly in comprehension and tightens his hold around you before he leans down and steals a gentle kiss from your lips. You smile softly and steal a deeper kiss that you linger in for a moment as you cherish the fact that he’s here, that he’s always with you when you need someone the most. When your brother never can be. That’s one reason why you love Suguru, he’s always here for you first, he’s never late and he doesn’t come after the fact. He’s always here first.

It’s why you don’t want to let him go. It’s why even now you lay your head on his chest and hold him tight so he won’t leave. He eventually will of course, but for now it’s just you and him in the silence and the comfort you bring each other until you both end up falling asleep in each other's arms.

——

*TWO DAYS LATER*

“Okay, close your eyes,” you drag out and set the playing card down.

Shoko sighs and does as you ask, letting you think of a number, but hold up a nothing.

“Okay now how many fingers am I holding up,” you tell her.

She hums softly before she parts her lips, “6.”

You aren’t holding anything up, but that’s the number you were thinking. “Oh my god!” You exclaim excitedly. “No but that’s the number I was actually thinking about!”

Shoko opens her eyes and smiles slightly. “Really?” She asks.

You nod and giggle.

“Okay so what number were you holding up really?” She asks as she picks her cards up to peek at them.

You pick up your cards and shake your head. “None.”

Shoko groans. “I knew you'd pull some shit like that,” she grumbles.

You flash her a smile and then blink to look at the first-year sitting at the side of the table. “Ijichi,” you announce sweetly. “You’re starting us off.”

Said guy blinks nervously even though it’s been like what? A couple of months since he’s lived here?

“Really?” He asks. “I just thought you’d always start off since you are the eldest.”

Shoko glances around the room to make sure none of the adults are nearby before she pulls out a cigarette. And now without needing to be told you put your finger up and make a fire light over your finger. Shoko leans in and lights her stick before she sits back and rests her legs on your lap.

“Don’t be silly,” you pat his shoulder. “Fair game.”

“Until we play with alcohol,” Shoko comments, making Ijichi’s eyes widen behind his glasses.

“Oh my god,” you gasp and look at your best friend. “We should play with alcohol now!” You exclaim and hit the table. “I’m totally free tomorrow so we can stay up! I have a bottle in my room.”

“Maybe we shouldn't, we’ll get in trouble,” Ijichi stammers.

You put your cards down and push Shoko’s legs off your lap to stand up. “Ugh, don’t worry Ijichi!” You assure him and hit his shoulder. “I’ll take the blame if it happens, after all they can’t kick me out.”

“Perhaps not, but they can kick us out,” he grumbles.

You roll your eyes lightheartedly and then hear your phone ring. When you pull it out you see that it’s Suguru, so you grin and quickly run out of the parlor room to answer.

“Hello!” You greet happily. “Suguru, are you done with your mission? Are you okay?”

Suguru sighs deeply before he responds. “Yeah, darling, I’m fine. I’m sorry I couldn’t reach out earlier.”

You lean back and shake your head. “It doesn’t matter. You’re fine and calling now that’s all that matters. Are you on your way home?”

“No, not yet,” he huffs softly and you can hear his soft smile through the phone. “What are you doing? I hope I didn’t wake you.”

You scoff and shake your head. “No, not at all, Shoko and I are here bothering—no sorry, bonding with the first year,” you laugh softly. “He’s a good guy, and a good distraction…I haven’t thought about Haibara.”

“That’s good,” he says and clears his throat. “Uh, have you gotten assigned to any missions tomorrow?”

You quickly answer as you know it from the top of your head, “no, that’s why we’re still up. Why?”

“I want to meet up at the cafe we like to go to,” he reveals. “Like maybe around 8 in the morning? Is that okay?”

You blink in confusion and push yourself off the wall. “Did you get assigned to another mission already?” You ask curiously.

“No, no, I just want to see you,” he says. “I want to talk to you.”

Your heart skips a beat as you suddenly feel something's off. “Okay…yeah 8 is fine.”

“Good,” he sighs in relief. “That’s all I needed to tell you for now. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay? I love you.”

Your lips pull to a smile and you don’t hesitate to say it back. “I love you too.”

“Goodnight, Firefly,” he says, a nickname he hasn’t spoken in a long while, and rather than worrying you, it assures you of that sudden worry that flickered in your heart.

Albeit you still don’t really like that stupid nickname. “Tsk, goodnight, Suguru.”

He laughs. Suguru laughs for the first time in a long time. It’s not breathless, forced, or shared just to be nice, he genuinely laughs, and that works to swell your heart with warmth and joy.

It’s why you don’t question why a day's mission turned to two, why he wanted to meet up with you the next day outside of school instead of coming home. You’re actually so eager to go see him early in the morning that you can hardly contain your excitement whilst you’re trying to go sleep later that night.

When you get up you get all dolled, and honestly, it’s a healthy distraction from what plagues your mind as of late. Of course, the thoughts of Haibara’s death linger, they get you down without a fault, but looking forward to going on this small date with Suguru gets your hopes up and also takes away from the fact that you miss your brother right now more than ever.

Nevertheless, of course, there’s a wrench in the road in the shape of Yaga.

You would have brushed him off, told him to wait on giving you whatever assignment he had for Nanami and you, but the moment that you walk out of your dorms you notice the sullen look on his face. You see how stiff his shoulders are, and how tight his fist is. So you actually question his well-being. After all, out of all the adults in this school, he’s the only one you actually like.

“What’s wrong, Yaga?”

He clenches his jaw and lets out a deep breath before stepping aside and showing an empty path. You’re about to question him, but you then hear multiple footsteps approaching from under the hill.

“What is it?” You ask again since you got no answer.

Alas, before you could press him further you see why he’s expressing such a mysterious energy, it’s your parents. Your older cousins, the triplets, trail behind them, along with other members of your family.

What once was excitement to see your boyfriend now turned sour at the sight of your family.

“What is this?” You ask with a nervous laugh and step back as you know nothing good is coming from this family reunion. “Yaga?” You look over at him with worry and can’t help but ask the one thing that could change the emotions already rising within you. “Is it Satoru? Is he okay?”

“Yes,” Yaga finally breaks his silence.

You blink and narrow your gaze on your parents. “Then what’s happening here? Why are you here?”

Your mother scoffs in disgust at your disrespectful greeting.

“It’s Geto,” Yaga interjects, making you turn to face him with fear. “When he was out on his mission he ended up killing the entire village and…his own parents. He’s defected….”

Is that—What?

You blink repeatedly in disbelief and shake your head. “That’s not true,” you mumble even though slowly your mind is wrapping around the idea that it is. After all, it was only a few days ago when he said the thoughts that have been tormenting him regarding non-sorcerers.

So the question lies in why he’d do it. What was the reason?

Is that why he asked you to meet up today? Is he going to tell you what happened?

“It is,” Yaga reaffirms the news. “I wish it wasn’t but he did it and now he’s a wanted man, so we ask this now, have you come in contact with Geto?”

You lift your eyes and meet his gaze not hidden behind his shades, and without hesitation, you shake your head and lie. “No. He hasn’t called me or answered my texts.”

You can’t say you feel horrified by what you heard. It didn’t even cross your mind like it should have. Suguru killing those people doesn’t disturb you, or change the way you see him. You still swoon over him, you still burn for him, and your heart still skips a beat at the mention of his name. Is it a bad thing?

Not to you. No matter what they say, or what they’ll say, in your eyes he’s still your whole world. So if hating non-sorcerers is the truth he chose to follow, if that’s who rose from the ashes then you accept him. After all, you don’t care for non-sorcerers, they could die for all you care. What has your mind spinning though, is worry.

He beat himself up over not knowing what he truly felt, what if he regrets what he did? He’d never recover.

“Where are you off to then?” Your mother asks. “You’re not in your uniform, it’s early.”

You shrug. “I was going to grab coffee,” you actually say truthfully because that was the truth. “And anytime I have to be in my casual clothes I take it.”

“Don’t lie for that boy, daughter,” your father interjects. “Don’t bring shame to your family. Tell us if you've talked to him.”

You raise your chin and look him in the eye. “I have not talked to him. But I can. Let me talk to him, there has to be a reason as to why he did this,” you suggest. “If he’ll talk to anyone it's me.”

“No,” your mother quickly snaps. “Satoru will handle that. You will not go near that criminal.”

Of course, they’re here to forbid you from seeing him now. Not surprising, what is though, is what they expect. They really don’t know their own son if they think he’ll handle Suguru.

“Suguru is Satoru’s best friend,” you tell them almost smugly. “You’re expecting too much from him. He won’t do it.” You look at Yaga knowing they'll give your brother the impossible assignment. “Don’t make him do it.”

Your father scoffs and rebuttals. “Your brother knows how to handle his emotions, he’ll put his work before his heart like he was taught to do. He’s strong, not weak,” he throws at you making you roll your eyes.

“Fine,” you mumble and turn. “If that’s all you want to say then I’m going back to my room. I have training to get to.”

Nevertheless, they stop you.

“No,” your mother says. “You’re coming home.”

You peer back and shake your head. “No. Not yet. I’m going to talk to Suguru.”

Your mother steps forward and you catch Yaga look away. “He’ll only cloud your mind with his beliefs and turn you against us. What will everyone say?”

They don’t even care to hide that all they care about is what people will think. They don’t care about your well-being.

Not like he’d hurt you, or let anyone or anything hurt you.

But it still hurts that they think the worst of you.

“I don’t care what everyone thinks,” you counter quietly, and look away to head back to your room to text Suguru that you can’t go right now.

However, as you take a step forward out of a sudden there are multiple voices and a tight pressure in your head. “Stop. Stop. Stop.”

You can’t move a muscle and you immediately know why, it’s the Mind Hypnosis Cursed Technique of the triplets. That’s why they’re here, this was their plan all along, take you to prevent you from leaving.

“Leave me alone,” you strain to say and try to fight off their control, but it’s hard when the triplets are together. If it was just one or two of them here it’d be easy. Their technique only works if the three of them are together, otherwise, it’s like a fleeting thought or nothing at all. Of course for people like Satoru, who have strong minds, their technique won’t work, but for you, it’s a different story. They know that.

“We’re going home. We’re going home. We’re going home,” their voices echo in your head, and the harder you try to fight them the more you begin to tire yourself out.

“You can’t do this,” you mutter and turn around against your own will. “I live here. Yaga,” you plead him for help.

However, he just lowers his head and avoids looking at you.

“Let’s go home,” your mother says while she walks over to put a technique blocker around your neck and your hands, so you won’t fight back with your technique. The other members of your family then surround you so you won’t run and they all guide you away without another word.

Before you walk down the hill you look back and see Shoko walk out of the dorms and look immediately confused at what’s unfolded. She even looks like she’s going to come after you, but Yaga stops her and she doesn’t fight back. You don’t blame her for that though, you offer her an assuring smile and then look at Yaga with disappointment and betrayal.

He doesn’t look away this time so you keep your eyes on him until you can no longer see him, until all you see is your damned family as they escort you away.

You hoped Satoru would somehow call to protest, that he’d appear and stop them, but of course, he doesn’t show up, he doesn’t call or text. Even if he did you wouldn't know, your mother took your phone away as if you were some pubescent teen. And your family of course came when your brother wasn’t here and when they knew he wouldn’t show up at that moment. Knowing them he doesn’t even know they came to get you, he’ll know when it’s too late. Like always.

And yet even if he never came in time when your parents tortured you in some way, you still wait for him full of hope. This time you waited for three days for him.

He came at night and no one bothered to tell you. Not like they actually would since they don’t want you to leave. You only caught him because you were on your way to grab something to eat.

There’s no way you’d actually walk in while your parents were talking to him, they’d make sure to leave the room to talk in private, so you hide and eavesdrop.

“Did you do it?” You hear your father ask.

There’s a few seconds of silence before you hear your brother answer. “No.”

It’s not hard to guess that they’re referring to Suguru.

“It was always a heavy burden, and not one you should’ve been assigned to ” your mother assures him. Because of course she does, but if it was you you’d be called names and shamed for not completing that task.

“I only hope you don’t regret your insolence Satoru,” your father scolds him, but not hard enough to actually shame him in any way.

“If I do, I'll take care of it,” Satoru mumbles coldly. “Now I’m going to get her so we can get home.”

You smile softly and take a step back to try and run back to your room. Yet you stop when you hear your mother protest. “No, she’s not going anywhere…”

You swallow back nervously and step back to lean against the wall again.

“…that man is still out there. What’s going to stop her from going out to look for him?”

“I will,” Satoru defends you. “I told him he can’t see her anymore. I’ll talk to her too. She’ll listen to me.”

He and Suguru talked about you?

Hopefully, Suguru doesn’t think you’re ashamed of him. You couldn’t even text or call him after your parents went to get you, and you haven’t been able to sneak your phone back to your room, they hid it well.

“You really think she’ll listen?” Your mother argues. “That guy was her partner, you really think she’s strong enough to leave him behind? The first chance she gets she’ll go look for him and put our family to shame.”

Satoru doesn’t answer for a moment, making your heart sink. Does he really agree with her?

Your own brother?

“I have faith in her,” he later says, but you hear the uneasiness. “Besides, who cares what the others think? They don’t matter to us. We’re Gojo’s. We’re the strongest.”

“It doesn’t matter to you now,” your father says. “But it will when you become the clan leader, so start behaving and thinking like you’re already our leader, Satoru.”

“I am,” he rebuttals. “And I'm saying I’m taking her back with me.”

Footsteps echo and your heart skips a beat thinking he’ll defy them and come get you.

“You really want to see your sister become like him?” Your mother stops him, making you clench your jaw.

“He’ll persuade her, Satoru, is that what you want?” She presses him. “To see your sister gone? To see your sister become a curse-user?”

“She won’t,” he says with anger in his voice.

“She will,” she raises her voice. “You know he’ll get to her. She’ll leave, you know it,” she says softly now as you hear her footsteps on the floor. “Just let her stay here until all this passes. Go to your missions and come back for her then.”

No, no please no. Please Satoru.

The room stays silent and you hold your breath as you wait for his answer. As you hope he’ll defy them.

“Fine,” he mutters nonchalantly, and you feel your heart literally break in your chest while your breath gets trapped in your throat.

The one person who you never thought would leave, the one person who said would protect you, is leaving you behind. He didn’t fight for you. He gave in and believed the people that would always hurt you, the people he always protected you from.

“I’ll call to check up on her though so please do the kindness to let her talk on the phone.”

Traitor.

“You picked the right choice son.” Your father comments quietly.

Satoru doesn’t answer, he doesn’t add anything else, no one does. The conversation ends and you hear footsteps walk out of the room, so you come out of hiding and face your brother's retreating figure.

“Satoru,” you call out shakily as you try to fight your tears.

Your brother stops walking and slowly turns around. He has his shades on so he takes them off and slowly looks up to look you in the eyes. And the first thing he saw was home. You were the only family member he actually cared about, wherever you were was his home and the only one he needed. So when he sees your eyes filled with tears and expressing hurt, his heart aches.

“I’ll come pick you up later, okay?” He says as he sees the betrayal in your eyes. “After my missions.”

You don’t say anything and that’s what hurts the most. He knows you have so much to tell him, but you stay quiet and just look at him with anger and anguish.

“I’ll call you tomorrow,” he says in a soft voice. “So be ready. Oh! And when I come I’ll make sure to bring Shoko, you promised her a tour no?”

You don’t smile like he wants you to, you don’t even show that you acknowledge his comment, you just roll your eyes and turn around to walk away.

Satoru stays there where he was and watches your figure retreating, and in doing so, he catches when you can’t hold back anymore and begin to cry when you think he can’t see or know anymore.

“Shit,” he hisses but doesn’t go after you, he walks away instead and leaves you behind.

——

*THE NEXT DAY*

There’s been little to distract you from the events that have unfolded over the past few days. When your family isn’t giving you a hard time there’s little to do but think.

It’s so hard to focus on anything else but Satoru and Suguru. You try to focus on your training, and on hobbies you never get to do anymore because you’re so busy at school, but your worry for Suguru, and the anguish Satoru made you feel is all that makes itself present.

You wonder if Suguru is okay, if he thinks you’ve turned your back on him. And Satoru…there just lies one question, why?

All this time did he really have no trust for you? If he did he would’ve taken you home and away from these old timers with their minds stuck in eras they didn’t even live through. But he chose to listen to them, he agreed with them in some way. Why?

You’d ask since he’s the only person you’re allowed to talk to, but you’re still too upset to hear his voice or even catch a glimpse of him. He’s called a few times already, most likely out of guilt, but you refused to accept the phone and made sure he heard your refusal every time.

So it’s like you don’t exist to anyone but your family. It’s so boring! All you want to do is leave…but not return to school, Satoru’s betrayal set your decision on that debate. You just want to leave and never turn back.

What’s the point anyway? You could have learned to live without Suguru. It would’ve taken a while but if things unfolded in certain ways you would have learned to live without him at school. The one thing you can’t live through is seeing your brother's face after he left, after he practically accepted the one thing you don’t like about yourself, the one thing he always tried to assure you over.

Why did he have to do it?

You exhale and flip the page of the book you’re not actually reading, and take in the sun that kisses your skin until suddenly there’s shade cast over you.

“What?” You murmur and snap your eyes up to see none other than Naoya Zen’in, with a cocky smirk on his ugly face.

“Naoya?” You question and hide your disgust.

“Long time no see, Gojo,” he greets you. “I was told you were over here.”

You glance around and see no one else in the courtyard so you probe. “What are you doing here? At my house?”

He shrugs. “I came to visit you, I was told our match might still happen.”

Ew.

“Now,” you scoff. “Who said that?”

“My clan leader after we found out the cursed spirit manipulator murdered a town,” he flaunts as if he’s actually happy about it.

“Oh I’m sure you’re not above a few non-sorcerers deaths, Zen’in,” you quip, making his smirk falter.

“He’s sentenced to death because of it,” he counters.

You roll your eyes and shrug nonchalantly. “What do a few non-sorcerer deaths mean anyway?”

Naoya blinks repeatedly and then chuckles. “Oh wow, Gojo, you’ve changed. Didn’t you always try to be some high and mighty sorcerer with some pristine principles?”

You close the book in your hand and push yourself to your given height to meet his gaze. “I’ve changed, it happens you know? As our brains develop. But given…” you trail off and just snort softly. “Nevermind. Anyway, that person is long gone.”

“Good,” he quickly interjects. “She was a real bitch.”

You blink in disbelief and tilt your head slightly. “Excuse me?” You press coldly.

Naoya brushes you off and leans his face forward, making you step back and scrunch your nose in disgust. He doesn’t catch your reaction and continues. “Let’s celebrate to a long lasting and fruitful relationship after Geto Suguru dies. I can’t wait to meet this new person you’ve become.” He looks you up and down, and licks his lips, causing you to narrow your gaze into a deeper glare and rebuttal.

“It’s not going to happen. Keep dreaming though, it feeds my ego.” You feign a laugh and push past him to escape back to your room.

However, Naoya steps forward and forcefully grabs your wrists to stop you. “What’s so funny?” He snaps.

You yank your hand away and peer back while you keep giving him your back. “Besides you still being illusioned over this match that will never happen, it’s funny that you think you’ll kill Suguru Geto.”

“Who said I was going to kill him?”

You stop walking, and just as you’re going to turn around to face him you see the answer to the question you wanted to ask walking out of the door behind your father.

You step back to try and walk away, hoping you’re wrong, but then you hear their persistent voice in your head trancing you to stop.

You try to fight, but the more strain you put in, the more it hurts, as if fires were being set off in your mind.

Then again even if you had managed to somehow fight them off you wouldn’t be able to run one foot away, your father would guarantee that. Plus Satoru isn’t here to protect you from their schemes. He never is.

So what other choice do you have but to go with them? Because after all you never had a choice, that’s why they insisted on having you stay. They wanted you to kill Suguru because of your relationship with him. Because they don’t like how powerful he is and can be.

Nevertheless, even as they starved you and beat you to weaken your mind for five days, you still tried to fight off their chant; kill Geto Suguru, kill Geto Suguru, kill Geto Suguru.

It played on a loop over and over again. You tried to shut them out every time, you tried to fortify your mind even through the weakness that plagued you, but they’d only push back harder and chant louder inside your head; kill Geto Suguru! Kill Geto Suguru! Kill Geto Suguru!

Plus with each counter you hit them with, that fire that basked your mind only burnt worse to the point it actually felt like it spread to every single limb. Perhaps that's why even after all your efforts, after five days they were finally able to penetrate through your mind and make that foreign goal clear within you.

“Repeat to me what you will do, daughter?”

You stare blankly at the wooden floor beneath you and exhale deeply before you deadpan. “I will kill Geto Suguru,” you repeat what the triplets had engraved in your mind for five days.

Your father pulls out your phone and hands it to you. “Don’t disappoint me,” he says.

You keep quiet, and open your phone to click on Suguru’s contact and text him here so your father can see.

You to Suguru: Hey! I know it’s been a few days but I finally got my phone back, can we meet up to talk?

You frown and blink to look at your father in the face as he pulls out a silver dagger imbued with cursed energy.

“This is to use on him,” your father says. “A cursed tool called Heartsbane. You are meant to leave it in his heart after you stab him or else he will be able to survive it, and if he can he’ll be able to use RCT. Do you understand?”

You reach over as he tucks it back in the sheath, and nod stiffly. “Stab him in the heart and leave it there. I understand.”

Your father hesitates before he hands you the sheathed weapon you tie behind you under your silk belt.

And as you do your phone rings as a message comes in from Suguru.

Suguru: Of course, can you go now to the café? Or I’m willing to go wherever you want.

You swallow back nervously but respond.

You: Let's meet up at that river we go to on New Year's. I’ll head out now xoxo

The place where you confessed your feelings to each other for the first time, the place where you began to date last year. That’s where you’re taking him.

“He fell for it,” you share and close your phone.

“Then what are you waiting for?”

——

Arriving at the place didn't take long, you made it there in under thirty minutes. And throughout it all your mind never faltered, the goal you were sent to do was engraved as the trance you were under held your mind captive; leaving you unable to think of anything, leaving your other senses partially dull. It’s like you were in some kind of tunnel vision.

You think of straying but you can never actually break free.

But then there he is, the man you love already waiting for you. He notices you right away and smiles at you before he laughs softly as he teases the sloppy way you wear your kimono; you didn’t even bother to layer it properly, you show cleavage which is a big no, and just wear a beautiful red silked belt to keep the white kimono in place. Did you get properly scolded for it? Yes, but that’s the one thing you didn’t listen to. Not while your mind just repeats the same thing, kill Geto Suguru.

“Geto Suguru,” you greet coldly as you stay a couple feet away from him, and reach for the dagger.

He smiles a warm smile and doesn’t seem to notice anything weird. “Hi, y/n, I missed you,” he says softly.

.

.

.

.

.

A/N- Satoru shouldn't have left 😗

Tagged- @deniseabad1928 @secondary-character-25

#fanfiction #damn-stark #chapter 9 #sugar #jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen fanfiction #jujutsu kaisen fanfic #jjk #jjk season 2 #jjk fanfiction #jjk fanfic #geto suguru fanfiction #geto suguru #geto suguru fanfic #geto suguru x fem!reader #geto suguru x y/n #geto suguru x you #geto suguru x reader #geto suguru x gojo!reader #suguru geto #suguru geto fanfic #suguru geto fanfiction #suguru geto x y/n #gojo saturo #satoru gojo #nanami kento #shoko ieiri #naoya zenin #fanfic #getou x reader

[underclerysclock]

Gerry is literally such an interesting character though. I feel like because I joke about him all the time I don’t talk about how compelling I find him and also none of the rest of the fandom really delve into him either which is a shame because they made him such an interesting exploration of privilege, repression, immigrant identity, the Australian dream etc etc etc.

Like he’s kind of selfish, he buries his head in the sand and makes himself wilfully ignorant to bad things happening around him (from the bicentennial protests he’d definitely be extremely aware of to Dale’s mental breakdown in 2x05 to minimising the consequences of his own arrest), he’s so outwardly cool and collected that even the audience doesn’t realise how much he lives in denial.

And part of his continued denial is because he’s the rare immigrant who did actually achieve the Australian dream; he has fame and money, a loving family, a loyal fan base, a big house in Eaglemont. The cracks are beginning to show, the tabloids know about his sexuality and he knows he’s doomed if people find out. But Australia gave him everything he was promised, and compared to what Ireland looked like in the 80s, his new home gives him so much more freedom that he never had in a country that was still under the thrall of Catholic conservatism. And of course he’s not thinking about the fact he’s gotten everything he has because he’s white, and the right kind of white, and in fact, the right kind of Irish (ie not Northern. A Northern Irishman isn’t going to have the worst time in 80s Australia, but his identity is going to be far more politicised than someone from the Republic).

We talk about Dale and repression a lot. Because it’s really obvious. He’s repressing what are ultimately positive feelings - pleasure, passion, sexual desire. And we want him to experience queer joy the same way Gerry does. But Gerry is repressed as well. He’s repressing all of the negatives. He finds pain, controversy, anguish, etc, shameful and dirty the same way Dale does with desire. He doesn’t want to admit that the Australian dream is a lie, that he is extremely lucky and that all that he has could crumble at any moment.

There is so much that compels me about Gerry and makes him my favourite beyond “haha Funny Irished Man played by sexy actor” and I never talk about it because I don’t know how and no one else seems to fixate on him like I do. But like. Talk to me about Gerry please please PLEASE.

#flood warning #the newsreader #I’m actually putting this in the main tag because I put a lot of thought into wording this post #but gerry carroll I want to study you like a bug

[squigglyscribble]

Theory: Viren Will Heal the Sunforge

Viren healing the Sunforge? That's a bit mad, isn't it?

It is. I know it is. But, hear me out. Look at Viren's arc and his "Greatest Hits" (lol) and I think there is an argument that could say: his story has been building toward this.

Viren's path toward darkness began when Soren got sick and Viren chose to do the unthinkable, the unforgivable, to heal his son. And that destroyed Viren's body--and, ironically, his family.

He remembered how he’d been filled with hope, certainty even, that this would change everything. He remembered hurrying home, ready to be forgiven. And even more clearly, he remembered the bitter hole left in his soul when Lissa told him his restored appearance changed nothing. Even though dark magic had helped their family, saving their son’s life—she seemed to fear him and hate him now, and he knew he could never repair that. (Book One: Moon) 

So, keep that in mind. His corruption, his path, began when he healed his son ("sun"), his "golden" boy. This moment didn't only ruin his physical appearance, it collapsed the foundations of his family and began to slow descent downward.

Now, skip forward a bit, while still remaining in a time before the events of the main series. What was Viren's next Big Act on his journey?

... I think it was the Heart of the Titan.

“If we can hunt this monster and slay it, I can use the heart of the titan in a powerful spell that will warm the land, and allow us to magically grow an incredible bounty.” (Viren, 2x05)

To save Duren from a famine, Viren proposed they slay a Magma Titan and use its heart in a Dark Magic spell. This was a massive undertaken with devastating consequences, profound loss of life, and it was something Viren could singularly do:

“Viren... Without him to perform the spell, the heart is worthless, and this was all for nothing.” (Sarai, 2x06)

Once again, Viren's path of darkness yielded positive results, but at a great cost. With blood on his hands, Viren was able to do something only the sun can do: generate life and heat to a dying land.

Aaaaand this starts to bring us into the present. Because, of course, this moment--the crossing into Xadia to kill the Magma Titan--is what led to the series of dominoes that culminates in the main plot of the series.

In the main series arc, Viren's Big Act on his path of corruption and darkness is that he facilitates the destruction of Lux Aurea, the corruption of the Sun Nexus/Sunforge. (Note: I know he did a lot of other horrible stuff, but this was the kind of pinnacle of his badness and the climax of his arc. His point of no return.)

"But first, there is something we need here in Lux Aurea." "You want us to attack the stronghold of the Sunfire elves? But we need to preserve our forces for the final confrontation." "Viren, I’m nothing if not elegant and efficient. We’ll risk as few lives as possible… one." "Ah, mine." (Aaravos, Viren, 3x07)

Using Viren as a vessel, Aaravos was able infiltrate Lux Aurea, bite Pharos (the Sunfire Priest), taint the Sun Staff, and then spread corruption to the Sunforge, coating it in darkness. This also cemented Viren's feet to the path, there was no turning back now, and only death awaited him.

The destruction of Lux Aurea has had massive repercussions for the plot at large, fueling the events in Act 2 of this story. It has led Karim towards his own path of darkness in a bid to restore his home to its former glory (and turning him against his sister Janai).

So, to recap, Viren's story has included such highlights as:

Healing his son ("sun")

Warming the land (... like a sun)

Corrupting the Sunforge (which is symbolically the sun itself)

And what does his future look like? What ominous warning do we have lingering about good old Viren?

"The Sun Will Rise... And You Will Not"

(like Viren is just surrounded by sun imagery, isn't he?)

Of course this line is Aaravos trying to scare Viren into compliance. On the surface, this seems to be implying Viren will die at sunrise if he doesn't perform the Infantis Sanguine spell. And, sure, that could be what it means. But, like a lot of things, I think there could possibly be a double-meaning.

If Viren does heal the Sunforge in the future, this line could also apply, especially if the act kills him (or nearly kills him). It would be a sacrificial act of Viren drawing the poison out of the Sun and into his own body. Much like when healing Soren caused Viren's body to start to rot, pulling all that darkness out of the Sun Nexus could have horrifying consequences for Viren's health. Perhaps fatal consequences.

Yes, the sun will rise again, but Viren? He won't. (Maybe. I personally think he'll pull through.)

The "Why" of it All: Why Viren? Why a human?

Because I believe a human has to be the one to restore Lux Aurea, to teach Karim (and the prejudiced ones of the Sunfire elves) a vital lesson.

Take a look at Karim's hatred against humans and his belief of their inferiority in "After Darkness":

Karim’s blood flared with anger at the sight of her grin. He could not expect a human to understand what they’d come here to do, or what they’d lost.

and

“He was my friend,” Karim spat. “I will mourn him. And this is my home, and I will save it. You— you don’t belong here. You never belonged here, human.”

If a lowly human were the one to help restore Lux Aurea back to glory, it would show Karim that humans can help--and, more, that their union with Xadia is the path forward out of Darkness.

Viren healing the Sunforge would also invert what Khessa had said about humanity (to Viren's face):

“Ugh! Humans disgust me. Your kind could not be satisfied with what you were given. So you take what is not yours. You take it within you, and you turn it to filth.”

If Viren "took it [the corruption] within" him, he would be purifying it instead. Which would be a nice little bookend, I think.

Furthermore! Viren healing the Sunforge after he was the one to break it in the first place would bring new meaning to a particular season 4 subplot:

Lucia and Yonnis.

I mean come on! A human extinguished a sacred flame and then had to work to redeem herself to the Sunfire elves. Janai decreed that forgiveness and restitution was the more noble and just course of action.

“Gone are the days where we shed blood for justice. If we are to rebuild, we must do so together. In mercy. In compassion. Your hands shall make your amends. Under the guidance of our priests, you will build a shrine here...one where soul candles may burn without threat to the camp.”

So, like, Viren extinguished one big old candle, yeah? It would be poetic to let him try to fix it.

Anyway, on that note, let's look at this message Janai said to Karim after her judgment of Lucia:

“The Sun gives her light, but nurturing the seed is the work of our lifetimes. This is how we are going to rebuild, Karim. With patience. With faith. You and I... We won't live to see this new day. No, we won't. But the future will be bright again.”

... and, hey, that last line! What does that remind me of?

"To fulfill your wishes, of course. Is your wish to rule Xadia?" "I wish for humanity to flourish. And it cannot flourish with a knife forever at its throat." "So, you wish to conquer Xadia?" "No! No, my goal is a bright future for humanity."

I just think it's neat. 🥔

#viren #tdp theory #the dragon prince #text post from meeee #i had to get this out of my head #as for how viren would do this? i subscribe to star viren myself #and i can update my thoughts on that later #but it could always be dark magic again for all i know #i just think this would be a fitting ending to viren's story #and yes this is why i drew that art

[imminent-danger-came]

do you find mk's arc in s3 a tad repetitive? i saw this point brought up in a video essay on his series long arc

Naw man.

Progress isn't linear. MK more often than not makes progress in an area and then promptly regresses afterwards (like in ROTSQ MK learned that he was separate from SWK, and that he had to find "his own way to win", which he then completely abandons in the back half of s2. After Minor Scale it's all about becoming as powerful as Monkey King as quick as he can). I like to joke MK is "2 steps forward 4 steps back" the character. He'll say "We're stronger together" in 2x10, but by the time 4x08 rolls around he's wondering if he'll just end up hurting the people he cares about (and then he'll fail to apply this logic to why Wukong would choose to take similar actions, say during s2 or at the end of s3, being delightfully hypocritical).

Then there's where MK actually is development wise at the end of s2 vs s3. By the end of s2 he's lost all of his abilities and given LBD everything she needs to destroy the world, with the only good thing happening being Monkey King's return. Of course he's worried about facing the Lady Bone Demon like he is in s2—in fact, the threat got much worse. Not only is LBD more powerful, but both him and Monkey King are powerless. Their only hope is in an uncontrollable weapon they have to reforge.

In s1 MK is just trying to master his new role as the Monkey Kid (even then wanting to protect his friends and the city, thank you 1x01). In ROTSQ he believes he'll never be as good as Wukong, carrying this belief into s2. As the stakes keep growing, MK feels more and more pressure to live up to the legacy of Monkey King, and in that desperation becomes the perfect pawn in LBD's plans. He assumes he was the wrong choice, the wrong successor, and that Wukong knows that too. After he realizes Wukong left for him in s2, in s3 he then jumps to Wukong ditching him over being a "mere mortal" again. But, MK wants to help. He wants to save his friends. By the end of s3, we've still yet to acknowledge the core issue MK's had since the AHIB special: his self-confidence. His identity and his esteem. MK's never been happy with himself (except for that one time in ROTSQ):

But, after ROTSQ came Wukong leaving in 2x01, LBD's manipulation in 2x05, Macaque's manipulation in 2x07, his ultimate failure in 2x10, being powerless in 3x01, Wukong's lies throughout s3, Wukong and Mei both leaving at the end of 3x10, and then the "to pain scene" in 3x14.

And then in s4 we hammer the nail in the coffin further with 4x07 and 4x08 living up to LBD's words: doing what you think is right leads to pain.

I think the end of TEW will be another ROTSQ situation, where currently MK is okay leaving the world a little bit better than he found it, but it's a philosophy on a shaky foundation. All it'll take is one push to all come crumbling down (and we have SO many things at this point that could be that push—MK's origins/true identity, SWK and Macaque's true falling out, another world ending calamity [no 'ol half marathons here]). Because, at the end of the day, MK may leave the world better than he found it, but he still needs to be okay making mistakes and being MK. He needs to be okay with hurting the people he cares about, because that's what happens as a part of life. He's still so hung up on keeping everything the same. He wants a world where both him and his friends never have to struggle, which will just never happen.

Like, it's ridiculous to me how high of a note the s4 special ended on for everyone in the gang. It's like being on the final episode of a season and seeing that everything's resolved and great, but knowing there's 20 minutes left before the end. You just know it's all going to come crashing down. It's going to get worse before it gets better.

And you know what! I'll say this: being mentally ill is repetitive. And that's what MK is. He has anxiety. He has depression. I mean this seriously and sincerely. MK's running around in circles in his own mind trying to run away from himself (doing so quite literally in 4x07). But he can't man. None of us can.

#people on youtube just say anything #oh how quickly we forget reflection motif! #Never forget! Never forget reflection motif! #was this even a slightly effective rebuttal against that video essay lol #Like yeah I guess maybe MK's arc could be considered repetitive. But he also just regressed. I thought we all liked that about him #lmk #lego monkie kid #lmk MK #lmk analysis #lmk theme: identity #lmk reflection motif #asks

[litres-of-cocaine]

elle was a fascinating character and if she had stayed longer the run of criminal minds would have been so much richer change my mind.

also it’s insane that the way she exits the show compliments her arc in a way that no other cast member leaving did even if it ends up ending the storyline completely. like from the very start her impatience and history as a sexual offences agent is established, and then putting the unsub of 2x05 in the context of her trauma being a violating experience has cataclysmic implications. it completely accounts for her actions. especially following gideon’s advice - ‘i want you to think about this job, what you’ve been through, and what you’re capable of’ and the trigger of lee’s words ‘you’ve made a lot of women very happy’. props to glaudini’s acting here because you can see elle’s faith in her own morals die right when he says that. ‘what you’re capable of’ is tied to ‘what you’ve been through’; she’s capable of revenge because she’s been through it. this becomes a justification for murder rather than an encouragement to abide by the ideals of law enforcement that she feels have failed her and others.

she’s impatient and loud and devastated by the cases she’s worked on and then forced to live through the same thing via being shot.

i think something interesting that wasn’t necessarily intentional (though there’s a good chance it was) as well that i’ve kind of alluded too was the way that that experience of being violated for elle (by the fisher king putting his hand in her gunshot wound) was sexual in nature even if that wasn’t randall garner’s goal. it underlines the theme of elle’s - and the rest of the team’s - vulnerability existing in complete contrast to the confines of her profession, especially considering the her role before in convicting those charges with sexual offences.

obviously lola glaudini leaving was a personal choice so it wasn’t like elle was written out as a creative additive - but tbh if they had lengthened this plotline so we got to see more of elle and had this ending it would have an incredibly interesting period in the show.

and just to add, her leaving at this point in the series also could have had a much more monumental impact on the plot if mandy patinkin hadn’t decided to quit also, as gideon’s desire for peace competes with elle’s (somewhat ironic) craving for justice, but alas, it was not meant to be.

#criminal minds #elle greenaway #me rambling lmao #genuinely the character with the most unrealised potential #but also she opened up space for emily prentiss so i cannot complain too much #her and elle would have been too powerful #especially for an early 2000s viewing experience lmao #jason gideon #spencer reid #obligatory mention that criminal minds is copaganda and however entertaining it is that does not justify the stigmatisation it produces <3

[kvetchinglyneurotic]

re: your reblog from july abt roy and jamie after wembley.

The roy and jamie relationship post wembley always confused me because they took an event that CLEARLY should've had an impact upon their relationship (and was set up to do so) and then did... nothing with it? it could've been a really good set up for a roy introspective re: his anger or a view on Jamie's vulnerability with the team as he's trying to find his place after coming back to Richmond. I love TL so much but they constantly failed to live up to the potential of their storylines 😭

(p.s bless u for noticing the beard/jane rupert/rebecca parallels. it drives me bonkers.)(p.p.s sorry for yelling in ur inbox you just have very good opinions and I like your writing a lot)

Thank you, and don't apologize, I love when people come yell in my inbox! And yeah, that writing decision is. so weird. I'd honestly kind of forgotten about how weird it is until I got to the end of season 2/start of season 3 on my recent rewatch — because they do, as you say, set up a change in their relationship so well, especially with Roy's conversation with Ms. Bowen about Phoebe's dad at the start of the episode and how he's afraid of infecting her with the worst parts of himself. Roy knows that he's an angry person, and he knows that it can be harmful to the people around him, but I also think that he's never really had to confront that when it comes to football, because in that context it's always been something that's framed as a strength (and a certain amount of yelling is normalized in sports in general). And then he's confronted with the fact that Jamie also has a piece of shit dad, and he chooses to be gentle instead of aggressive, because he understands that in that moment, what Jamie needs is someone to look after him the way Phoebe needs someone to look after her, even if it's in a slightly awkward, gruff way, and it has to be him; it can't be anyone else... and then it makes no difference in how he interacts with Jamie until at least 3x04, but really more like 3x06.

And then there's Beard and Jane, my beloathed. I do actually like their relationship (in a writing sense, not in an I want them to stay together sense) in exactly two episodes: 2x05 (in think) where they get back together and Higgins wants talk to Beard about how it's an unhealthy relationship, and in 2x09. In both these episodes, you can understand why they're together, but it's framed as almost a form of self-harm on Beard's part, where he knows it's an unhealthy relationship and that being with Jane makes him feel worse, but at the same time he can't bear to be apart from her. Anyway they could have leaned into the parallel of him and Rebecca as two people at opposite ends of an abusive relationship (him at the start; her at the end), especially with Sassy's "he locked you in a tower but you climbed all the steps yourself" speech. But alas, they did not.

#fun fact about me is that i do actually say “alas” in real life #started doing it ironically but alas now it's just part of my vocabulary #ted lasso meta #roy kent #jamie tartt #coach beard #asks #tw abuse #kvetch oc

[voidsteffy]

Thoughts about 4x01 (AHHHHH)

AH WE'RE BACKKKKK

THAT JUMPSCARE!!! oo you got me, just like s1 got me! (i feel very happy saying that)

Why does Nancy keep confessing her love for Ace out loud to Ryan and Carson? I mean.... Ryan can't keep a secret can he? (or did fanon get to my head??)

love that Nancy is a mysterical (is that a word, did i make that up, look away) success but a adulting failure, we love to be represented

nick being the photogenic eligible bachelor as he should be (I volunteer to be tribute) love that the only eligible bachelors can be Nancy's father or Nancy's ex-bf, we love being surrounded by pretty people

NOT ACE RANTING ABOUT THE BROKEN BAROMETER CZ HE KNOWS WHATS UP (almost, give my man some credit)

nancy is such a team player it's amazing

we're getting so much bess and ryan interaction... does that mean we can't get george-bess interactions anymore? NOOO

ryan honey when a suspecting relic dealer couple give you back your Porsche that they've been holding hostage, you don't drive it out without a full checkup. i mean nick coulda taken a look at it

THE MUSIC GIVES ME THE FEELZ OF S1 (official season 1 till 2x05) WHICH I LOVE

Ace i think the universe is conspiring against you every time you get a step closer you either get arrested or killed (too soon??)

they had such a good storyline with lawyer-apprentice! Bess, why did they ever switch to George? I want more of Georgeeee

the corpses are kickass jumpscarers i must admit as I laugh my ass out of horrified-land

can't believe nancy just left the broken bottle and his name out there (under a paper thingy but that doesn't count bess is nosy as hell) and now he's gonna find it isn't he

it all comes back to that damn clearing, isn't that where nancy had her wraith vision in the drew-a-fish episode?

WHY ARE THEY GOING SO CLOSE TO THE BODIES EWWW

jumpscarejumpscarejumpscarejumpscare— YUP you didn't get me that time hahaaa

GOO I REPORT GOO COLLECT THAT SHIT IT TENDS TO WANDER OR OPEN PORTALS cmon did we learn nothing from Legacies GUYS!

yep he saw it yeah boo she's lying

AHHHHHHHHHHHH HE FIGURED IT OUTTTT

wait is she allowed to tell him um then why did i read all those fanfictions with charades and 2k words on just them playing jacob and bella with werewolf confession all over again? (bcz ur a sucker thats why they were such wonderful fics too)

I TOLD YOU TO PICK THE GOO! PICK THE GOO! PICK THE GOO! ew it's heading towards the water supply! NO it's gonna be sand piper all over again STOP GO BACK DON'T BE SUCH A MALIVORE

um.... so i couldn't live-blog it this time cz timezones are a shitshow but i'm here with my entire notes laid bare i have so many theories and- and- and- AHHHHHHH

#nancy drew #spoilers #nancy drew s4 #4x01 #manu is feral tag #nace #george fan #ned nickerson #bess marvin #ryan hudson #carson drew #someone remind me of the ferret's name again pls?

[raayllum]

I wanted to nitpick the whole ‘every great crisis seemed to be the work of a remarkable leader but it was really Aaravos whispering in their ear’ because I felt like it undercut the nuance in service of hyping up the Big Bad. Then I thought about it some more and realized that we are getting this information from Zubeia so there could be nuance we’re missing (like maybe she’s underestimating humanity’s ability to cause problems for Xadia without Aaravos’ help). Also it makes it retroactively hilarious that a millennia old master schemer got his plans foiled by meddling kids not once but twice.

It's also like even within Zubeia's explanation, we know she's wrong about things, or purposefully not saying them

For a thousand years, Aaravos had been pulling invisible strings, like a puppet master. Every great crisis the world faced seemed the work of some ingenious and powerful leader, but in each case, it was secretly Aaravos, whispering in their ear.

So a few immediate things:

1) We know the Fall of Elarion happened 1,000+ years ago because humans have been living in exile for a thousand years by the start of S1 (re S1 intro). It also took time, understandably, for Elarion to become a great city and for dark magic to grow more populous, so Aaravos has had his hand in things for much longer. It is unclear if the elves/dragons even know Aaravos gave the humans dark magic in the first place.

2) Zubeia doesn't say that they were told or instructed what to do, merely that Aaravos was pulling on strings and whispering in their ear. He takes motivations and goals that people already have and helps give people tools to escalate/achieve them when those goals also suit his agenda, i.e. dark magic, letting Viren assassinate the other human leaders, etc.

3) Zubeia, like everyone else, is accordingly biased. We know this because we know Xadia has a tendency to judge extremely harshly and dole out harsh punishments, herself and her mate included, and because Claudia is offering up a completely different account of events.

Really the show provides enough bias in every flashback account (1x07, 1x09, 2x05-2x06, 3x06, 3x09) I just expect it as an according part of the series' themes re: a History of Love vs Strength depends on who is telling the story ("that these moments of greatest strength look like weakness to those who don't know better") and Viren, Aaravos, and Callum all ultimately wrestling for narrative control

#thanks for asking #zubeia #aaravos #chess-blackfyre #s4 #4x04 #deep lore dive #mini meta #analysis series #sort of #analysis

[aboutdifferentthings]

Jess and Rory are no jerk and no failure and they got together.

I just read too many things about Jess being a jerk and about Rory being a failure that I could not take it anymore and I know I am late to the party but I was not sure I wanted to watch the revival or seasons four to seven. I have only been able to watch it because I saw a post with Jess looking Rory through a window and just thought, ey, they meet again, they are together. And here I am. I will just let it out. 

When we meet Jess in season two he is a seventeen years old, an adolescent no one believes in. No one. I love season two: Jess and Rory have all these beautiful moments and he makes me laugh so much, they both do. But if you listen carefully you understand what kind of life Jess has been having and how he feels about it.  I won’t defend every decision Jess made  but the conversation with Rory in the car is so meaningful: “Ask my mother, principal or even your mother who does not even know me” no one, absolutely no one expects anything from him.  The principal in school tells Luke he has no interest in the subjects, other students or anything else and if you think about it, it makes sense: he has grown up probably by himself, no one really took care of him so he found refuge in his books and sarcasm. He needs really loud music to sleep, probably not to hear whatever was going on at home. He is not good with the small talk because he is use to be by his own and once again: he is seventeen, can we not forget this? In fact I find he has quite a lot self control sometimes (specially in 2x05) but that would take too long to elaborate here. 

And Rory is just so sweet. The only one able to connect with him, and to realize the potential he has got. I love how she tries to fight against this general opinion against Jess, she is the  best. The problem with Rory is that she has been living in a bubble where she is perfection and she thinks she needs to keep it like that and this is really difficult to break. All these feelings she is having, she is constantly doubting them because no one is able to validate them. To tell her, ey, it is normal, tell me about Jess, why is he so interesting? Instead of that her mother and best friend is constantly acting like if she was going crazy  for becoming friends with him and risking his relationship with Dean (do not get me started with him…) From minute one, she is so unfair with them that it really hurts. Lorelai is really unbearable in relation to Jess).

It is just specially painful to see that even when they are wonderful together they drift apart because they both have issues they need to work on. They could have done it together but in order to do that they would have need some adult support and they do not have it (Jess not at all and Rory not in the way she needs it). And I do not want to be unfair with Luke, he is a good soul, he tries… Jess understands it years later but at that moment it does not feel like real support, and it is not. 

Jess gets lost and he hurts her deeply because she will never be able to find that level of connection again and she is so afraid of suffering again the same way that she would never go for it. 

When Jess comes back in season four he his still not ready. I could write an essay about how he is right in a lot of the things he says and feels but he does not know how to articulate them. Rory loves him, she does and she always will but she is still hurting. He does not apologize, he does not tell her why even feeling what he feels.  he did what he did. On both occasions he just drops the bomb and leaves ( I think second one happens mainly because Dean was there. He would probably have said something different in other circumstances) And it breaks my heart. Rory needed an I am sorry I hurt you, an explanation of why she was abandoned and the reassurance it will not happen again. She needed to hear an ‘I will wait for you no matter how long and no matter where’ He may had the intention to say it but he can’t deliver it because he is not ready yet: he has too much unresolved trauma and seeing Dean just brings everything out. 

So she gets in this absurd relationships with Dean and Logan (the worst, absolutely the worst, no doubt) . When the bubble breaks she is just not able to navigate through life. 

And life goes by, it turns out Jess finds himself. Jess finally starts believing in himself. He is resilient and he has held onto the feeling he could do anything he wanted Rory had about him. He could not have written the book without her because he has held onto his love for her and doing so he wrote a book, got it published and pushed through life the same way he always has. He has found people that get him and he gets to be in a good place. He has matured. 

Next two times he sees Rory, he is in the position to say it, to offer her everything to really start a beautiful life together. He has put his pieces together, he is calm and happy with what he is doing. But guess what, Rory is a mess. And it is ok, it is  totally  believable. Sometimes in life, things don’t go as we want and you are a mess and you throw everything away and you just let it go. Jess just helps her to go back ( partially) on her feet. . He doesn’t try to win her back because he understands it is not the right moment. He is ready, she is not. And she tells him she loves Logan ( Logan of all: the one he has nothing in common with, the one that cheats on her, the one who does not care if she leaves Yale or anything she does, the kind of guy they made fun of) because to ‘love’ Logan is easier,  because if she does not have the deep connection, it won’t hurt that much and it doesn’t. She finally rejects his proposal and he leaves and she is fine, it does not hurt that much because it was not real love. He is not her soul mate. He will never be. 

And now they are both 32 and Jess has grown better and better. Although we do not get to know a lot about his relationships he has nothing permanent. He could have found love, we could have seen him happy. That also happens in real life. You really move on, you are lucky enough  to have a mature fulfilling relationship and live a happy life but he does not. Jess had a lot things going on in his life but he has never cheated on anyone or lied to himself about his feelings, so probably just casual relationships without attachment because he knows it would not work, he is not over her.

The thing is that she is still having issues. Awful relationships she knows are not going anywhere and same thing with jobs. She has lost contact with her feelings and her passions and when that happens it is not easy to go on. But guess who is going to put her in contact with her feelings again. He does. Starting with the book. And when she goes on writing, well that will make her remember how it was to feel real love. And well yeah, we have an open ending, which is not my favorite but I get to write my own ending and to play it in my head. Because that look through the window, that happiness when she showed him the three chapters, that is a lot. And they will need to talk about feelings, about wounds and also about books and about the future because now they are ready to heal and to start over no matter where. Together. 

#jess mariano #literati #jess x rory #rory x jess #team jess