#in june when i had my hair cut she noticed and during the exercise she came to me and said you look better now!
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I posted 387 times in 2022
330 posts created (85%)
57 posts reblogged (15%)
Blogs I reblogged the most:
@just-jammin
@weirdbutdecentart
@redlover411
@djts-arts
@toasty-owl-arts
I tagged 387 of my posts in 2022
#constellation conversation - 143 posts
#miitopia - 74 posts
#altair draws - 64 posts
#sixtended verse - 60 posts
#six oc - 59 posts
#cosmic fusion - 51 posts
#blazing remnants - 46 posts
#pokemon - 21 posts
#not my art - 21 posts
#7kpp - 16 posts
Longest Tag: 131 characters
#spica’s original design was a plain méi jiān dāo but i changed it to a disassembled version to make it look grander for a celestial
My Top Posts in 2022:
#5
For the 2000th post, I decided to draw the progression of my DragonFable OC (Kai Crusath)'s friendship with Tomix across the Tomix saga
The Chaosweaver armour is the hardest to draw due to all of the intricacies, followed by the base armour...
11 notes - Posted November 25, 2022
#4
OC Pride Fest 2022: 12 PM
At 12 pm, three couples encounter each other and decided to take a group picture together because why not?
Couple 1: @lexartsstuff’s William and @vanessaseymour’s Marion
Couple 2: @redlover411’s Holbein and @ellielovesdrawing’s George
Couple 3: Geo and Vyren
11 notes - Posted June 20, 2022
#3
"My eyes may look evil, but my heart's anything but that!"
The first party member Geo meets, Vyren Asphodel is always ready to lend a hand and can't just leave someone be... provided they don't run away from him first.
Vyren's bio is under the cut.
Name: Vyren Asphodel (pronounced Vee-ruhn)
Age: 25
Height: 180 cm
Birthday: 5 July (Cancer)
Personality (Miitopia): Kind
Job (Miitopia): Thief
Pronouns: He/Him
Likes: Goblin Ham, Sword Sashimi, Roast Lizard Tail, Sandwich, his friends
Dislikes: Snurp Radish, Penguin Treat, Bone Biscuit, Mouse Treat, Iceberg Salad, judgmental people, squirrels
Hobbies: Exercising, playing card games, stargazing with Geo, visiting the local markets
Clothes: Wears a fully zipped greyish-blue long-sleeved top that's partially covered by a pink bandana and a pair of greyish-blue capris is worn over a pair of dark greyish-blue tights.
A pair of dark bluish-black zipper boots are worn, along with a dark greyish-blue belt with a silver metal buckle and a pink pouch attached to it. A greyish-blue bandana covers the scalp, with the hair tied up with a pink hairband and a pair of light grey goggles with pink lens is worn around the head.
Sexuality: Gay
Description: Tall, pale, and muscular with surprisingly broad shoulders, Vyren is capable of athletic feats with his signature being backflips. His dark grey ‘just below the shoulders’ hair is tied into a low ponytail, with his fringe gelled into two prongs a few centimetres away from his face. Vyren’s remembered for his unnaturally pale pink eyes and sharp narrow eyes, which gives off the impression that he’s a slightly deranged villain.
He wields dual daggers and a total of six throwing knives, and also keeps another six more throwing knives on his person as spares. At night, he wears his night vision goggles so that he can see in the dark. Thanks to Gladea’s upgrades, he’s able to see clearer and farther in the dark.
Background: Vyren grew up as the oldest child to the royal family in a kingdom located in the Powdered Peaks. When he was born, the first thing everyone noticed was his unnaturally pale pink eyes. This resulted in everyone assuming that he was cursed, thus everyone around his age shunned him.
Initially, his family tolerated him as he was the only heir they had. Even so, they distanced themselves away from him and were only observed to interact with him during social events. Overtime, Vyren wasn’t brought to social events after discovering that his hair remained a dark grey and his eyes resembled evil. His family then started to tell him that he didn’t deserve love for he was different from everyone else and that he was just a burden, something which Vyren took to heart.
When he was six, his younger sister was born. After discovering that she was born without any odd traits such as pink eyes, grey hair and villain-like eyes, they realised that instead of making Vyren their heir, they could make their daughter their heir. However, to do so, they needed to get rid of Vyren first.
As they discussed ways to assassinate him, Vyren’s father pointed out that family tradition requires heirs to participate in a parents-child camping trip when they turn 12. Given that there were only a few more years before Vyren turned 12, they decided to wait until he was old enough to participate in the camping trip before carrying out their plans.
For the next six years, his family did their best to isolate the two siblings from each other such that his sister didn’t know of Vyren’s existence. Vyren himself didn’t attempt to communicate with his sister as he doesn’t want an innocent person to be stained with the knowledge of being related to ‘a loveless child’.
On the first night of the camping trip, his parents left him alone in an ice cave during a heavy blizzard without food, water, gold, and clothes. To ensure that his fate was doomed, they sealed the cave by exploding the entrance. Vyren knew that his family was trying to kill him, but didn’t protest as he thought that it would eventually benefit his family in the long run.
Shortly after the blizzard ended, a dragon dug away the rocks that blocked the entrance as that was their cave. Seeing that Vyren was naked and about to die from thirst, they took pity on him and flew him to the nearest town after he insisted to not bring him back to the kingdom. Once he arrived, everyone immediately shunned him due to his ragged appearance.
As no one was willing to help him, Vyren has no choice but to resort to stealing from the residents in order to survive. He was soon caught after a few months, and was promptly banned from returning to that town. Since then, Vyren has visited numerous towns, stealing what he needed to get by and to prevent from being banned, he learnt how to figuratively blend in with the shadows in order to successfully steal from others. At one point, he had to learn how to fend off his targets as some of them were perfectly willing to kill him if it meant protecting their possessions.
Shortly before the game, he visited Greenhorne Town in order to steal what he needed before setting off for Greenhorne Kingdom to steal a small sum of wealth from the castle's treasury. While travelling along Easin Hills, he heard the divine power calling out to him and asking him to help Geo who was nearby. Realising that he would finally be able to be useful to someone, he quickly went to find Geo with the divine power guiding him to his exact location.
Night Time:
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11 notes - Posted March 1, 2022
#2
Did some sketches at work because I was trying to avoid work for once bored, and decided to test out the glow effect on sketches with IbisPaint X using whatever I've learnt from IG... which isn't a lot because I forgot the post...
Normal:
Glowing:
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21 notes - Posted January 22, 2022
My #1 post of 2022
For the 1800th post, I've decided to draw the moment before Donna calls Angie and starts the final fight.
If it were me, I will definitely haul my ass out of House Beneviento despite Donna being my favourite.
30 notes - Posted April 20, 2022
Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →
#tumblr2022#year in review#my 2022 tumblr year in review#your tumblr year in review#tw long post#blazing remnants
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#hello everyone#i'm a stupid shit who's got a ridiculous crush on a 45+ y/o married woman#my fitness instructor#it's since 2013 and i feel so dumb for this#at times she reminds me of ruby rose (but like not too much! kinda!)#(her face i mean)#she's just omg#seeing her showing us exercises just makes me soooooooo nervous#and i hope she doesn't see it or i'll be fucked#i mean whenever i don't understand an exercise or ask for help i get sooo anxious and shy#in june when i had my hair cut she noticed and during the exercise she came to me and said you look better now!#she was too close!!!!! and i was doing the military press and in that moment i felt like dying omg#i'm so dumb#but i just admire her a lot and i wish i could take inspiration from her to work hard and improve myself#but#guyssss i feel so bad when she's not at the gym#or when i see her in the streets walking with her husband i get so anxious and blush like a kid#I'M SO STUPID#GAY AND STUPID#one time before starting the lesson she was adjusting her sports bra right in front of us (we're all ladies of course) -#- and in my mind i was like OH MY GOD WHY CAN'T SHE DO THAT IN HER LOCKER ROOM FUCKKKKK#NOOO SHE HAD TO SHOW US HER ABS#SHE'S A LEO OMG#kill me pls#personal#ladies and gentlemen i am lesbian and stupid
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Okay so I have an oc names is Arbany her quirk is indestructible wings and telekinesis and I would like u to do her x Bakugo where they fight and he say something that hurts her feelings and she later has a fight with some villains and almost die and whatever else u wanna add but an happy ending if that’s not too much for you I don’t wanna stress u out and if u don’t wanna do it it’s fine or if you have an better idea I will gladly take that thank u so much again I love you work take care 💕💕💕
A/N : omggg tysm for requesting and you’re so sweet ahhhh!! It actually means the world to me!
Apologises if she’s ooc, I’m not really sure what her personality is like.
Bakugou x oc
Warnings : violence/fighting, swearing
Words : 3,800
Masterlist
Arbany had met Bakugou during the June of their first year in high school, meeting each other for the first time when her school Shiketsu High bumped into his. The impression they left on each other wasn’t the best. She remembered him as the foul mouthed, egoistic boy with a superiority complex, and he saw her as a good for nothing brat with one too many words and nothing but a dumb set of wings.
She had managed to knock him off his pedestal after she received her hero licence before he had and it sparked rivalry of sorts, Bakugou vowing that he would never lose to her again. They had stayed in contact after Kirishima asked for her number, adding her to a group chat with himself, Bakugou and a few more of their friends.
Soon, unbeknown to any of their other mutual friends, they had began to text privately, and she often found herself rushing to the phone whenever his special notification sounded. They would often take about modern day affairs, the latest updates on well known heroes and villains, and sometimes they would open up and talk about themselves, asking each other for advice on certain things or how their day went.
It wasn’t long before Arbany found herself developing a massive crush on him. Sure his attitude was brash and unnecessarily rude, but that didn’t mean he was a terrible person, in fact he did care a lot, and she supposed he just tried hard not show it for some odd reason or another.
They would meet up regularly, normally at places that were a few train stations away from their houses. The distance between their schools wasn’t incredibly big, but it did take at least an hour to get to one place from another, so they compromised with spots in the middle. On specials occasions, when it was their birthdays or a pubic holiday, one would wait by the school gates of the other.
This led to their classmates noticing and hence teasing them about each other. On Arbany’s side, her face would flush, ears light pink as her friends made comments about shipping them whereas on the other side of town, Bakugou would scream threats as his friends laughed.
Eventually, they started dating. It was a few weeks into the second year and Bakugou had asked her out during a picnic in a field with a wreath of fresh flowers that he had hidden in his backpack and a necklace. It was cheesy, and he was embarrassed the entire time, his cheeks dusted with red, letting out small curses every now as then, but he decided the massive smile on who was now his girlfriend’s face was worth him putting down his ego and taking the first step.
In the following autumn, Arbany had transferred into his school for the last year, after her parents moved for their jobs, she decided to finish off her second year at Shiketsu before joining her parents closer to UA. She was understandably upset at leaving behind her good friends, however being with her boyfriend of nearly a year and also his friends, who she was pretty close to as well, helped cheer her up significantly.
“Arbany!” Mina called, waving her over to the side of the gym. She walked over, pulling on her sports jumper as Aizawa began telling them of today’s training lesson. It was a 1v1 spar with no quirks and he gave everyone the choice to choose a partner.
“Are you going to spar Bakugou?” Mina asked.
Arbany started, “Possibly I-” before cutting herself off as she watched the blonde stomp towards Midoriya.
“Fight me Deku.” he shouted.
She laughed slightly, shaking her head before turning back to Mina. “I think I’ll choose someone I rarely train with.” she said, to which the latter nodded.
“Alright, you better not loose!” she cheered before walking off. Arbany looked around, catching sight of Todoroki standing alone.
“Hey Todoroki!” she called out, smiling as he turned around. “Would you like to be my partner?”
He nodded politely, before the pair began walking to an empty marked area of the hall. Her physical skill was only a few hairs short of Todoroki’s, him often catching to smallest openings and attacking. She stepped back in a wide stance, bringing her leg up which he blocked, before jumping up and swinging the other leg. He dodged, stepping backwards as she swung up, about to land a punch when a sudden large explosion sounded.
“The hell?” she jumped back, whipping her head around to see a large charred dent in the floor of the hall.
“Bakugou! This is a no quirk exercise.” Aizawa shouted, using his scarf to hold the younger boy back from continuing to attack Midoriya. “Are you alright Midoriya?”
She felt a small pang of guilt. Maybe if she had spotted Bakugou’s increasing anger towards the other boy, then she could have possibly prevented this. Maybe she should’ve payed more attention to her own boyfriend.
“I’ll take him to nurse’s office.” she offered, walking towards the boy and pulling on his arm.
“It’s alright I’m fine.” Midoriya protested, shaking his head but she tugged on his arm again and he followed without much more complaint. In the background she could hear Bakugou screaming at her to leave the damn nerd alone but she simply ignored him.
After leaving the hall, she slowed down her pace, letting go of his arm. “I’m sorry about Katsuki, I’m not sure why he even thought something like that would be acceptable.” she sighed, rubbing her forehead as Midoriya awkwardly chuckled.
“It’s not your fault don’t worry.” he reassured her.
“No it’s not.” she huffed out frustrated, “but maybe I could’ve talked him out of pulling something like this.”
Midoriya shook his head. “I think we need to sort it out between ourselves.” he said. “There’s no need to blame yourself Arbany.”
She nodded and sighed, stepping into the nurse’s office after him and looking around for any burn ailments.
Bakugou was seething. He detested the thought of his girlfriend together with the only person on earth that he utterly loathed. As soon as class ended, he rushed off to find Arbany, spotting her near their classroom and pulling her to the side.
“Why are you hanging out with the damn Deku.” Bakugou asked.
She sighed, grimacing. “I was not ‘hanging out’ with him, I went to treat him for a burn that you caused.” she answered, pointing a figure to his chest.
“He could’ve easily taken care of that himself.” he muttered.
“No Katsuki. He could’ve easily not been hurt at all if you just learn how to grow up.”
He could feel himself shaking with anger as he clenched his fists. “What the fuck do you mean I need to grow up.”
“Katsuki you are literally an adult next year, stop acting like a child towards someone who literally hasn't done anything to deserve this hate.”
“So you’re defending him now?”
“Yes! Yes I am because I think you’re being utterly unreasonable.”
“I don’t get you. You’re my girlfriend and yet-”
“Exactly! I’m your girlfriend and you should listen to me when I tell you what you’re doing something wrong. I care about you and that’s exactly why I’m not going to condone this behaviour.”
“But he’s just a fucking loser-” He stopped shouting to hold his head with his hand, rubbing his temple. “Look, I didn’t pull you over for a fight.”
“Well I’m not sure what you expected pulling a stunt like that.”
“Look I can explain-”
“You literally attempted to kill him. For what reason? Because he’s your rival?”
“No because-”
The sound of a phone ringing cut him off. “Hold on, let me take this.” she said, side stepping away and bringing the phone up to her ear.
“Hello? Arbany speaking.”
“Hello Arbany, you are being requested for a case.”
“Alright, I’m coming right now.”
“Mirio is waiting for you at the front gates.”
“Thank you.” she said before hanging up the phone, turning around. “Listen I’ve got a job now, but don’t you dare think this conversation is over Bakugou Katsuki.”
“Wait- Arbany!”
She ignored him, rushing off back to the classroom to gather her bag before running down the hallway and stairs. She stopped at the bottom of the stairs, telling herself to stay calm as she slowly counted to 10 before regaining her composure. “You’re okay Arbany, you can do this.” she said to herself, pushing open the main doors and quickly walking to the school’s front gate.
“Mirio!” she called out, a smile plastered on her face as she threw her bag in the back seat and climbed into the passenger’s seat.
“Hey Arbany.” he replied, throwing her and earpiece before starting the engine and speeding down the road as she put on her seat belt, catching herself with her hand as the car lurched forward.
“Woah, slow down or you’re going to hit someone.” she laughed, securing the piece around her ear.
“I’ll be careful, but today’s job is really urgent.” he said, and she grimaced at the lack of a single hint of humour in his voice.
“Well that sucks, who is it?”
“The League again.” he sighed.
“Seriously? I’ve never met them before.” she answered, a pang of excitement hitting her as she was finally going to face the area’s most infamous villains.
“Really? They’ve been all over your class since first year.”
“Oh damn. I transferred this year so I guess I missed all of the fun stuff.” she answered.
“Well, I wouldn’t say fun.” he replied with a small laugh. “Your boyfriend did end up kidnapped for a good few days.”
She huffed at the word boyfriend and this caused Mirio to loosen up and actually laugh for one time in their journey. His usual upbeat self was incredibly tense and Arbany noticed as soon as she heard his less than enthusiastic greeting. “What did he do this time?”
“Arh.” She put her head in her hands before looking back up and staring at the traffic light. “I don’t even know, he just acts like a child like oh my fucking god Katsuki you’re turning 18 next year and you’re still trying to kill this poor bean over some childhood superiority complex.” she ranted, throwing her hands up in the air, hitting the car’s ceiling by accident.
“That sounds like him.” Mirio laughed, turning the corner, them both now spotting a massive colour of smoke.
“Well shit.” she cursed, tightening her grip on her seat belt as she saw a few people running away from the general direction. “Care to brief me in on which fucker might have done this?”
“Most likely Dabi.” he replied. “He’s the most active member who has a fire quirk. Just a warning, they may possibly have nomus.”
He pulled over to the side of the road, a sticker on his car’s windscreen showing that he was okay to do what would have otherwise been illegal parking. She got out of the car, running towards the scene. “Damn I don’t even have my hero suit on.” she complained under her breath, jumping into the air and with a flap of her wings she was above, looking down towards the scene.
“[hero name] here reporting for duty.” she called out after turning the ear piece on.
“Alright Arbany, your job is to make sure all civilians are out of the area.”
“Understood.” she answered, starting by doing a massive lap around the burning building with her wings. Spotting a pair walking towards it’s general direction, she swooped down and guided them to another route, before flying back up.
Getting closer to the building her eye caught sight on a fairly unburnt rooming, severely out of place considering the entire building was up in roaring flames and smoke. She slowly made her way to, realising a fairly young woman had been using her quirk to fireproof the room, but visibly growing tired. Arbany banged harshly on the window, getting no response as the woman remained leaning against her bed, almost motionless apart from the slight turn of her head, her eyes widening at the fact that someone had noticed her.
Arbany landed on the balcony, stepping back before swinging her leg up and shattering the window. She reached inside and unlatched the door, walking in hurriedly and placing her hands underneath the woman’s knees and back.
“Are you alright miss?” she asked, lifting her up and exiting the building.
She closed her eyes, a faint smile on her lips. “Thank you...”
“It’s alright.” Arbany replied, dropping to the ground at the sight of an ambulance, passing the woman over to a health worker. “Have some rest.” she said before jumping back into the air.
Before she could even travel another few feet, something at an incredible speed knocked into her from behind, sending her shooting down into the ground. “Fuck!” she screamed, wrapping her wings around her as she plummeted into the concrete.
“Arbany? Are you alright?” her ear piece sounded.
“Oh my fucking god.” she cried out, standing back up with a wobble and turning to see a massive lump of muscle and flesh flying in the sky. “Holy shit that thing is ugly.” she snorted, rolling back her shoulders to ease the tension as she most likely had to face that thing.
“That’s a nomu. Try not to engage in contact.”
“I think it’s a bit too late for that.” she responded as it started flying down towards her at a rapid speed.
“We’re sending another pro hero your way. Stay on your toes until then.”
“Alright.” she answered, focusing her mind on the incoming nomu and trying to stop it with her telekinesis. It slowed down considerably, no longer a blur in the sky, however she knew that once it reached her, even with a swing of it’s arm, she would be toast.
She couldn’t take her eyes off it otherwise he telekinesis would cease to work, so slowly she flew back into the air. The nomu changed it’s direction of path and sped towards her. She watched it intently as it grew closer and closer and by the time it was arms distance, she forced all of her energy onto it. It slowed down even more, and with that, she flew up, waiting for it be directly underneath her, before hardening her wings and burying them into it’s muscles as knifes.
It let out an ear piercing howl and with that she focused her telekinesis onto her leg, giving it extra as she stomped downwards on the nomu’s body. It started falling almost instantly, yet in that minuscule time frame, it had grabbed onto her ankle, pulling her down as well. With a shift of it’s body, it launched Arbany down towards the ground with it’s immense strength.
“Fuck.” she screamed. Her wings couldn’t catch any updraft of air so she resorted to encasing herself in her wings again. She hit the ground with a massive crash, the things around her becoming debris as she lay still in the dent in the ground.
In the quick seconds this had all occurred, she had forgotten to unharden her wings. She groaned in frustration at her stupidity as she felt an overwhelming pain in her side.
“Well fuck I might be out of commission soon.” she announced, roughly pulling out one of her feathers out of her side and tying her clothes tightly around the wound.
“You can stop Arbany, Endeavour has made it to your area.”
“I’m gonna keep helping until I can’t move anymore.” she muttered, standing up slowly as she winced at her side wound. She fell in pain as she stretched out her wings. Her wings were indestructible yes, the bones in them could never break, however that didn’t mean the rest of her body was too. The muscles connecting her wings to her back had been severely injured in the fall.
She felt utterly useless. She was a combat hero as much as a rescue one but she had essentially failed at both tasks. She watched as the nomu burned up in flames, still rushing towards Endeavour in a rage. With the last part of her energy, she focused and stopped most of it’s movements, and he sent another fire attack it’s way. With it unable to dodge or even shake out the flames, it slowly burnt up. She guessed this one was the regenerative type the others had encountered before.
With a small nod, satisfied at her help, she leaned against a wall and said “Alright well I’m gonna take a quick nap.”
“Arbany you are still in the battlefield, open your eyes right now!” She winced at the shouting in her ear and grumbled.
“Fine fine, I’m leaving.” she slowly started limping away, her hand on the wall to steady her and she made her way back to the main road. Spotting the ambulance again she stood up straight to walk over, missing the curb and falling flat on her face.
She felt fatigue wash over her as she rested her head on the concrete. Her head was spinning uncontrollably and she closed her eyes shut, hearing people running over to her as she slowly faded away.
~~~
“Kacchan I’m guessing you’re going to visit Arbany right now?” Midoriya asked as Bakugou strolled into the kitchen.
“What?” he scowled, turning his attention to the other boy with a glare.
“Wait you haven’t heard?”
“Do I look like I have Deku? Fucking spit it out already.”
“R-right, Arbany’s in hopsital after the villain attack by the-”
“Are you fucking with me Deku? I swear to god.”
“N-no I’m not!” he quickly answered, shaking his head before getting out his phone and turning to the most recent screenshot. “It’s on the news.”
Bakugou snatched the phone off him, his eyes squinted as he hurriedly read the small test. “Fuck.” he said, tossing the phone back to him absentmindedly as he rushed out of the kitchen, grabbing someone’s random jacket that was rested on the couch before running out of the door.
He sprinted all the way to the front gate, propelling himself with his quirk. He stopped at a main road, waving down a taxi aggressively before jumping inside and demanding they go to the nearest hospital. He tapped his feet impatiently as the drive there felt so agonisingly long. His eye watched digital distance measurer and calculator, pulling out what he assumed to be more than enough cash.
“Just park here.” he demanded as the hospital came into view.
“Sir I can’t-”
“Just fucking park here.” he shouted, the timid guy agreeing and stopping the car. He slammed the cash onto the dashboard before bolting out.
“Sir your change.” the driver called out.
“Keep it for all I care.” he shouted back, not sparing another glance as he ran into the hospital, knocking into a few people and almost colliding with a few more.
“Arbany. Arbany [L/N]” he said at the front desk as he almost started shouting at the receptionist for how slow he felt she was going.
“Second floor, room 214.” she said and he nodded, rushing to the elevators.
“Please refrain from running in here.” she called out from behind him. “This is a hospital, not a playground.”
He disregarded her words, pressing the up button multiple times, watching the floors come down to the ground, stepping in and pressing the 2. He soon reached her room, knocking before entering. She sat up on the bed, grimacing slightly as her side throbbed.
“Fucking hell, what were you thinking.” he said, sitting down next to her. His words were harsh but she could hear the genuine worry in them.
“Funny thing right, I did this to myself.” she chuckled, pouting when he didn’t show any reaction to her lightheartedness expect sighing.
“You idiot. Do you know how worried I was when I heard that. And if was from that nobody Deku as well.” he rubbed his eyes, his lips drawn up in a tight grimace.
She kissed her teeth. “Yeah, we’ve got to sort out what problem you have with Midoriya.”
“Fuck that brat, don’t think you can just change the conversation topic. What the fuck were you doing out there to get you landed in this bloody hell.” he threw his hands up, but his tone remained worried, making sure not to raise his voice at her.
“I’m a hero Katsuki, of course there are going to be injuries now and then.” she reasoned.
“I know.” he breathed out. He knew too that it was inevitable. They were both aiming to be pro hero and such a path like that wouldn’t be smooth sailing. “I know, I just...”
She stayed silent, not rushing him to go on as she wrapped her fingers around his. He clasped her hand in both of his, bringing them up to his head as he looked down at the bed. “I was scared.” he whispered.
Her heart melted at his words. It was almost never that someone like Bakugou would put down his pride to admit something like that. She reached over with her other hand, stroking his hair as he continued. “They wrote about you as if you were in some life threatening condition.”
She giggled. “That’s the media for you.”
“I, I thought I might lose you.” he said. She felt him shaking and pulled him towards her, wrapping her arm around him.
“I’m not going to leave you, you dummy.” she assured him. “I promise.”
He pulled back, flicking her on the forehead. “You better, otherwise I’m gonna follow you to hell and beat your ass.”
“Hey!” she pouted. “Who says I’d end up in hell anyways.”
“Pfft, and you’re going to heaven then?”
“Yes!”
“In your dreams.” he snorted.
She laughed at him before they fell into a silence, fiddling with his fingers as he simply just stared her.
“What’s up sweatpea?” she asked, tilting her head to the side and trying to read his expression.
“I love you dumbass.”
“Ew gross.” she laughed as he glared at her. “I’m just joking, ow! Don’t hit me I’m injured.”
Leaning back on the bed and away from him, she stuck her tongue out. “Say it back.” he demanded.
She squinted her eyes at him. “Are you sure you’re not the injured one Katsuki?”
He huffed and crossed his arms. “Fine then. Be like that.”
“I’m kidding, I’m kidding oh my god.” she rolled her eyes, leaning forwards to peck him on the lips.
“I love you too, you baby.”
If it wasn’t for her being injured, he might have blown her to pieces in sheer embarrassment.
#bnha#bnha kacchan#bnha fanfiction#bnha bakugou#bnha x oc#mha#mha imagines#mha imagine#mha fanfiction#bnha imagine#bnha imagines#katsuki bakugou#bakugou#bakugou katsuki#bakugou x oc#mirio#bnha mirio#my hero academia#boku no hero fanfic#katsuki#bakugo katuski#katsuki x oc
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Sparks of Life Actual Trivia
As the title suggests, I will do my best to try to keep this to things that are actual trivia and not the outlines of fics (even though, let’s be real, I could turn anything into story material). Here we go.
- Valtor’s most used emoji is a blue heart that he is always sending Griffin. He barely uses any of the other emojis and that one somehow always appears as the most recently used as well as simply the most used. Griffin finds it cute even when she jokes that her most used emoji is for certain the one that is facepalming. Not just when she’s texting with him but with the twins, too, and sometimes, yes, even with Faragonda (though, that is usually when the conversation steers to something Hagen did XD). Her actual most used emoji is the one with the sunglasses because she is a badass bitch. (All of this is totally Zarathustra’s fault as she is the one that gave Griffin the opportunity to use literally every single emoji there is (and annoyed her into doing it).) Her second most used emoji is the one that blows a kiss. That one can be used both ironically and unironically. She might be a sassy bitch but she is a sassy bitch that really loves her people and even shows it from time to time. XD
- Valtor bought Griffin a waterfall incense burner:
and she has not been able to recover from that gift ever since. It meant a lot to her since she immediately fell in love with the idea of a waterfall incense burner when she first saw it but she didn’t think of buying one for herself since Valtor has a delicate sense of smell and strong scents irritate him easily. She needs to be careful when she buys scented candles and perfumes (or she’d end up giving them to the twins, again) and she didn’t think it a good idea to have one of those as she rarely burned incense anymore because of his sensitivity. She was very touched when he bought one for her and absolutely loves watching the smoke cascading down like it’s water. They still have to maneuver with it sometimes but it’s all good.
- One time Emalyn had brought out the old albums with whatever photos she and Griffin’s dad had managed to take of their daughter. She and Valtor were going through them while Griffin was fussing on Valtor’s shoulder (no need to let go of him just because she’s not thrilled about his curiosity). Valtor noticed the bowl of gummy bears in one of the photos and asked about it. Emalyn laughed before telling the story about how for one of Griffin’s birthdays in college Ediltrude had made vodka gummy bears since Griffin really loved eating the things when she was little and, well, it needed to be appropriate for the celebration at hand so just ordinary gummy bears wouldn’t cut it. Valtor listened intently but Griffin could tell there was something making him sad as he wasn’t talking a lot after that. So she picked up a packet of gummy bears next time they went shopping and that was the first time Valtor ate gummy bears (and the first time Griffin ate gummy bears ever since those vodka soaked ones) as well as, quite possibly, the last. He wasn’t a fan and tried not to antagonize her about loving them. He made sure to buy her a packet once in a while instead. He also might have gotten her a gummy bear bouquet for her birthday.
- Valtor and Griffin love to train together. There is a fitness room in the penthouse and they do spend some of their together time in there even if Griffin rarely uses any of the equipment in it. She might use the treadmill occasionally but that’s about it. She prefers to do yoga while Valtor does his exercises. Their background music choices might have clashed a little as she basically needs hers to be soothing spiritual music while Valtor prefers more energetic tunes. They solved that with wireless earphones. The matter of getting distracted while watching the other (and even pulling the other into that distraction as well) has been harder to resolve but they love spending time together even when they are both absorbed in their own things and it is only about feeling the silent presence of the other so they keep it up. They even spar together as Valtor used to take martial arts lessons and he might have taught Griffin as well so that they can have all that fun together. You know, pressing each other into walls and pinning each other to the ground. ;) They love their training sessions.
- Bathroom commodities are a bit of a nightmare. Griffin has her vanity - luckily for her because otherwise she wouldn’t have been able to get to a mirror most of the time with Valtor is the way. He is not as much vain as he is a perfectionist and also self-conscious (thanks to his mothers) and he spends ages in front of the mirror. So does Griffin, though hers is more from vanity. Yet, she was the one saying she was surprised Valtor didn’t have mirrors in every room. They still have the regular weekly fight about the bathroom as a lot of the time it looks like one of them is only waiting for the other to come out so that they can go in. It’s a bit frantic in the morning which is a factor in why the bathroom issue is one of their biggest sources of conflict when they are still sleepy and irritable or running late. They also tend to love sharing it when they are truly sharing it, however. Joined bath is one of the most relaxing activities they can imagine, especially when they help each other wash their hair. And it is perfect for cuddling and all that good stuff. ;)
- They have a fireplace in the penthouse that they both love dearly. Valtor finds the crackling of the fire and the warmth soothing and Griffin loves curling up in front of the fireplace with a good book and a cup of tea. Even more so if Valtor is there although most of the time he has paperwork to attend to. She doesn’t mind if she can lean on him and read into the evening. Winter nights have never been cozier or warmer. Though, sometimes the atmosphere turns competitive when they play chess in front of the fireplace. They happen to play other games at times as well but chess is their favorite and the heat of the fire kind of adds to the intensity. It satisfies their craving for theatrics as they are both drama queens so it is certainly a favorite thing of theirs. They even had a “picnic” in front of the fireplace once. It was fun, though they almost managed to push one of the dishes into the fireplace so they had to estimate a safety distance there.
- Griffin bought Valtor pens in different colors to help him color code his schedule and know what is important and what is less so. It was really useful even if Valtor wasn’t really feeling the idea at the beginning. Once it started saving him time that he could spend with her, however, he was quickly on board with it. He’d also use them to draw Griffin pics on stray sheets of paper during the day while he was talking on the phone or having to wait for a document to get sent to him. He really started loving the idea. So much so that he didn’t notice he was signing paperwork with the pink pen until his secretary pointed it out. They had to print out all of it anew and he wasn’t thrilled about having to repeat the whole process. Griffin laughed - very uncharacteristically and unsympathetically of her - when he told her that evening and he wasn’t quite playing offended just to get her kisses. He didn’t mind that part, though, and he did keep the pens since they were useful and made his day somewhat brighter.
- They love to travel when they can. The weekends are usually free and even if that doesn’t leave them a lot of time for long trips, they still love exploring the “local” are. They just grab the car keys and some spare clothes and drive for as long as they can before they have to start coming back or until a town catches their eye. They sometimes pick a destination beforehand, though that is left to luck. Valtor usually lets Griffin pick it as they lay out a map and whatever she points to becomes their destination. It doesn’t really matter where they’ll end up when they are together. They even managed to get a little further away a few times when Valtor hired a private jet. It was a good way to see something new when they’d already explored a lot of the closer places and to add something different in their lives. And even if they had to come back too soon, they still have the memories and those magnets Griffin loves to buy from the places they visit instead of taking photos. Photos of them, at least. They end up with plenty beautiful shots of scenery. And one or two of Griffin when Valtor manages to catch her off guard. She has snapped loads of pics of him, though, as he would even pose for her (and she might have one or two framed in her office at work plus some more in the penthouse).
- Once they were on a date (before they moved in together), Valtor took her to a ferris wheel which stopped working right as they were at the very top. Valtor is still not over the crisis he had back then (nor the fit of rage) but it ended up being Griffin’s favorite date of theirs. Sure, they were stuck for about an hour and she needed to go to the toilet which might have been thanks to the low temperatures and the wind up there that had her freezing, but it wasn’t so bad when Valtor was with her. They watched the stars that they could see despite the city lights and they cuddled into each other for warmth. Well, she cuddled into him as he was still warm like an oven and she wasn’t sure how he was doing it. And of course, cuddling turned into kissing which also got intense. They both had to fix their clothes and button what had been unbuttoned when the wheel started again most unexpectedly. Griffin still looks on that date fondly and Valtor can be swayed into admitting it went quite well considering the circumstances when she reminds him about after the wheel when they were warming up.
That’s about it... Nine points for the 9th... of June. (I have connected the dots. XD)
#winx club#winx griffin#winx valtor#griffin x valtor#covenshipping#sparks of life#trivia#trivia tuesday#emalyn sylvane
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Movement Control Order MCO #5 Diary
Day #73 Fri 2020/05/29
Am pleased with the new and short crew cut hair style. Many thanks to my wife for cutting and styling my hair even though she had no prior experience to guide her. As hair dressing service is banned during this MCO period we had no choice but to cut hair DIY with the aid of a cordless electric hair clipper that we ordered online and learning the art on the fly by watching some Youtube haircut tutorials
\ MCO \ Haircut \ Crew Cut \ Hair Clipper \ First Time \
Day #70 Tue 2020/05/26
After the feed it is supposed to be bed time for baby Ellie but she refused to sleep and wanted to play.
Without knowing how to speak a single word, other than uttering some incomprehensible infant sounds I don't know how baby Ellie can hold such a long pillow conversation and capture the attention of her mom and her grandma by her side at the same time. When baby Ellie is in good mood her sweet smile, expressive eyes and playful nature can literally melt your heart.
In my run today I passed by Taman Rekreasi Puncak Jalil. However the park is still closed to visitors. There is a yellow tape strung across the entrance to bar visitors from climbing the staircase to the top of the hill.
Slow jogging log 06:59 am
Distance: 7.11 km. Duration: 01:33:43. Average pace: 13'10"/ km. Burned: 766 kcal. Steps:11,126 . Average heart rate: 115 bpm. Max heart rate: 133 bpm. Average cadence: 120 steps/min. Max cadence: 134 steps/min. Average stride 63 cm. Max stride: 76 cm. Speed: 4.55 km/h
Heart rate zones:
Relaxed: 0 min. Light: 2 min. Intensive 28 min, Aerobic 42 min, Anaerobic 25 min VO2 max: 0 min.
\ Slow Jogging \ Exercise \ Health \ Taman Rekreasi Puncak Jalil \ PUJ 5 \ First Time
Day #68 Sun 2020/05/24
Something to be happy and excited about. This morning, on the first day of Hari Raya Aidilfitri I completed the longest run of 7.83 km. For the first time the run took me outside Taman Puncak Jalil to Pangsapuri Enggang located along Jalan 6F, Bandar Kinrara.
Slow jogging log 07:00 am
Distance: 7.83 km. Duration: 01:38:20. Average pace: 12'33"/ km. Burned: 793 kcal. Steps:11,526 . Average heart rate: 113 bpm. Max heart rate: 130 bpm. Average cadence: 116 steps/min. Max cadence: 133 steps/min. Average stride 67 cm. Max stride: 82 cm. Speed: 4.80 km/h
Heart rate zones:
Relaxed: 0 min. Light: 2 min. Intensive 27 min, Aerobic 1 hr 2 min, Anaerobic 8 min VO2 max: 0 min.
\ Slow Jogging \ Exercise \ Health \ Pangsapuri Enggang \ First Time \
Day #67 Sat 2020/05/23
Although only 3 months old, Ellie likes plenty of attention and when left alone with her mom Amy out-of-sight for even a short time, can throw tantrums to show her restlessness. I created this vector art drawing from a photo that I took of Amy with a plastic fan in hand soothing her baby girl in the sofa. From the happy expression of a big smile in Ellie's face captured in the illustration you can see the instant rapport between daughter and mom whenever they interact with each other.
\ Ellie \ Amy \
Day #66 Fri 2020/05/22
Making our way along the side lane in PUJ 3 that leads towards the main street where the grocery shops are located.
\ Grocery \ PUJ 3 \ Side lane \
Day #65 Thu 2020/05/21
Day #64 Wed 2020/05/20
Day #63 Tue 2020/05/19
We are thrilled at the success of baking our first vanilla flavoured cherry sponge cake
\ MCO 5 \ Food \ Sponge Cake \ Vanilla \ Cherry \ First Time \
Day #62 Mon 2020/05/18
With the unused curry chicken potato filling left over from making steamed buns, we used the paste and popia skin to make a few pieces of fried spring rolls and samoza. Usually these types of pastries are made by deep frying in oil. Instead of deep frying we experimented in making them by grilling in the air fryer.
\ MCO 5 \ Lunch \ Food \ First Time \ Spring Rolls \ Samoza \
For lunch we made steamed buns with curry chicken and potato fillings.
\ MCO 5 \ Lunch \ Food \ First Time \ Steamed Buns \ Bao \
Day #61 Sun 2020/05/17
Trying our hand at making Lo Mai Gai ( 糯米鸡）dim sum. Lo Mai Gai is steamed sticky rice with chicken meat fillings. After packing the bowls with cooked glutinous rice, cooked chicken meat, hard-boiled eggs and mushrooms the last step in the process is to place the bowls in the rice cooker for steaming. From this first time experience in making this dim sum we realised that we should use smaller containers instead of the standard rice bowls to pack and steam the food.
\ MCO 5 \ Lo Mai Gai \ 糯米鸡 \ Food \ Lunch \ First Time \
Enjoying the evening breeze which brought a cooling effect on my mind and body as much as the easy running at a relaxed jogging pace. Jogging slowly for about 1- 1/2 hours on the forefeet for minimal impact , at the average rate of 117 steps/min I ran the total distance of 6.45 km.
The running log:
Distance: 6.45 km. Duration: 01:32:24. Average pace: 14'19"/ km. Burned: 722 kcal. Steps:10,654 . Average heart rate: 112 bpm. Max heart rate: 127 bpm. Average cadence: 117 steps/min. Max cadence: 134 steps/min. Average stride: 61 cm. Max stride: 72 cm. Speed: 4.19 km/h
Heart rate zones:
Relaxed: 0 min. Light: 1 min. Intensive 31 min, Aerobic 52 min, Anaerobic 9 min VO2 max: 0 min.
\ Slow Jogging \ Health \ Exercise \
Day #60 Sat 2020/05/16
Day #59 Fri 2020/05/15
Indeed a very satisfactory 6 km run today. The Mi Fit tracker recorded the average heart rate of 113 bpm and the max heart rate of 131 bpm, a vast improvement in fitness and endurance level compared to my first outdoor run in May 11.
Prior to May 11 all my evening outdoor workout consisted of brisk walking only, and no running at all because at my age, and after leading a sedentary lifestyle for a long time I didn't think that my heart and knees could withstand the stress of running. When I finally venture out to do my first 6 km run on May 11 the Mi Fit tracker recorded the average heart rate of 131 bpm and the max heart rate of 188 bpm!
Today's running stats:
Distance: 6.00 km. Duration: 01:23:46. Average pace: 13'56"/ km. Burned: 667 kcal. Steps: 9,633 . Average heart rate: 113 bpm. Max heart rate: 131 bpm. Average cadence: 115 steps/min. Max cadence: 168 steps/min. Average stride: 59 cm. Max stride: 66 cm. Speed: 4.30 km/h
Heart rate zones:
Relaxed: 0 min. Light: 1 min. Intensive 15 min, Aerobic 65 min, Anaerobic 3 min VO2 max: 0 min.
\ Slow Jogging \ Health \ Exercise \
Day #58 Thu 2020/05/14
Day #57 Wed 2020/05/13
Today is the first day of MCO #5, an extension of MCO #4 which will run until June 9.
We are delighted at the result of our first attempt at making steamed bao with chicken and egg fillings. With 380 gm of flour we managed to make 7 pieces of dumplings. The taste of these home-made dumplings is almost the same as the commercially made ones that are bought from vendors.
\ MCO 5 \ Steamed Chicken and Egg Bao \ Lunch \ First Time \
Today I ran 7.34 km, further and faster than yesterday. Yesterday I clocked 6.75 km. Even though I ran further than yesterday my heart was working at a lower rate compared to yesterday.
Duration: 01:29:30. Average pace: 12'07"/ km. Burned: 203 kcal. Steps: 10,658. Distance: 7.34 km. Max heart rate: 144 bpm. Average heart rate: 120 bpm Cadence: 120 steps/min
Heart rate zones:
Relaxed: 0 min. Light: 0 min. Intensive 4 min, Aerobic 51 min, Anaerobic 32 min VO2 max: 2 min.
Weight
\ Slow Jogging \ Exercise \ Health \
During lunch time I went to a hawker stall in a kopitiam to buy take-away food today and immediately noticed the anomaly.
Although dine-ins are allowed no tables and chairs are laid out for customers who want to eat in to sit down because most of the kopitiam operators here are still adhering to the take-away food business concept. I believe the kopitiam operators find the social distancing SOPs including having to register dine-in customers' names and telephone numbers and having to bear the consequences of anyone contracting Covid-19 in their shops too problematic to manage. Furthermore at the present time amid the Covid-19 pandemic I believe most people are still reluctant to eat inside a restaurant.
\ MCO 5\ Social Distancing \ SOP \ Dine-in \ PUJ 3 \
Day #56 Tue 2020/05/12
Today is supposed to be the last day of MCO #4. However instead of lifting the MCO the government has decided to extend it by a further 4 weeks from May 13 ro Jube 9
Today is supposed to be the day when the extended MCO should have been be lifted. However, as everyone knows the government has decided to extend the MCO by a further 4 weeks to end on June 9.
Coincidentally jogging 6.75 km and 9,806 steps today, it is furthest distance that I have accomplished since the start of the MCO 56 days ago on Mar 18.
Duration: 01:22:42. Burned: 184 kcal. Steps: 9,806. Distance: 6.75 km. Max heart rate: 141 bpm. Average heart rate: 118 bpm.
Heart rate zones:
Relaxed: 0 min. Light: 0 min. Intensive 17 min, Aerobic 39 min, Anaerobic 25 min VO2 max: 1 min.
Weight
\ Slow Jogging \ Exercise \ Health \
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The 'eight-minute' cure: how transvaginal mesh sentenced thousands of women to a life of pain
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Grace Irvine has blue eyes, pale skin, and short hair that fluffs up at the back like a baby chick's. She is 29 years old. Three years ago, she was a healthy mother of three boys living in a small town in Victoria. She worked as a dental assistant, and wanted to study nursing.
After her second son, Sammy, was born in 2013, Irvine noticed what felt like an uncomfortable lump in her vagina when she sat down. This is a common symptom of pelvic organ prolapse (POP), a condition that, at some point, affects about half of all women who've had children. It happens when organs of the pelvis bladder, rectum, uterus drop or press into the vagina. She also noticed "a bit of leakage" during exercise, caused by stress urinary incontinence (SUI). This is a separate condition to prolapse, but both are socially disabling and cause serious health problems if very severe and Irvine was only 24.
"I didn't want to be wearing nappies for the rest of my life," she explains, smiling. "I did want to get it fixed."
In June 2016, when her third son, Parker, was six months old, she had an operation at her small local hospital, performed by two gynaecologists with an "interest" in mesh surgery, to insert transvaginal mesh. She was told the operation would cure her incontinence and prolapse, and that her recovery would be swift and easy two weeks at most.
None of this proved true. She woke from the operation in agony, and six weeks later, her vaginal cuff and bladder were both prolapsing, and she was still incontinent. "The surgeon was shocked," recalls Irvine. "He sent me back to the referring specialist." "It's a pretty rough job," he told her. "But it's not the worst I've seen.'"
Irvine lives in a modest brick and tile house. She walks slowly, favouring her right leg, and often pauses while speaking, breathing through her nose. Sitting at the kitchen table, even though she's on a cushion, she shifts around a lot, arms folded tightly. Three years after her initial operation, she's now almost entirely incontinent: at her cousin's wedding recently, she wet herself "completely: a full bladder. I was wearing a proper urinary pad, but it was dripping down my leg." She has frequent serious infections and discharge; and she's been unable to have sex with her partner of 12 years for more than a year because it's too painful.
This pain is the worst thing of all, she says. She's not on any painkillers, because she's worried about dependency, and she can't sit for long, or walk far, because it feels "like a cheese grater in my vagina" an analogy used by many mesh patients "like rough surfaces are catching and rubbing together". She can't work, or walk to the local park with her kids, or exercise her border collie; she needs a wheelchair for long outings. The other night, her oldest son, Tyler, now 10, said to her: "'I miss doing things with you, Mum.' " Irvine looks down at the kitchen table. For the only time during a three-hour interview, her self-control slips. "My kids are paying the price for this," she says, eyes filled with tears. "I just can't believe it. I can't believe this happened to me."
A sample of transvaginal mesh. In Australia, only 13 mesh products from more than 100 now remain on the market. Credit:AP
Since its introduction in the late 1980s, somewhere between 7000 and 18,000 women have experienced complications from mesh surgery in this country. This figure echoes as many as 200,000 cases reported overseas. In what one surgeon has called a "tragic, two-decade-long free-for-all", these women were victims of often poorly trained doctors, using devices that, in many cases, lacked scientific evidence of safety or effectiveness, without being properly informed of what was being done to them.
In this country, most mesh surgery training was facilitated by mesh manufacturers themselves (with all the potential for conflict of interest this creates); the Therapeutic Goods Administration (TGA) required no independent clinical evidence about many of the transvaginal prolapse mesh devices it cleared; and according to a 2017 survey of 1900 women by the Health Issues Centre, a Victorian health consumer peak body, more than 60 per cent of women did not give informed consent. Instead, when things went wrong, these women were cut loose by doctors, regulators and manufacturers alike. Their reports of serious complications and debilitating pain were ignored; the products they were implanted with were not investigated; and their doctors told them they were "imagining the pain", that they should "try anal sex", or that they were "crazy".
According to former federal senator Derryn Hinch, who agitated for a Senate inquiry into mesh use, this is all par for the course.
"I remember sending some mesh-related paperwork to a government administrative office," he recalls. "And when it came back they'd changed the word 'vaginal' to 'pelvic'! That's what's f...ing wrong with all this! For five years, no one's touched this because it's got the word 'vagina' in it. If this had been a male problem, it would have been up there and out there and fixed in six months!"
The eventual 2018 Senate inquiry recommended a national audit of past mesh procedures and a registry for future ones; mandatory reporting of problems by doctors; and the establishment of specialist multi-disciplinary mesh clinics. It also exposed at least some of what mesh-injured women were dealing with. A young teacher testified about trying to look after a class of little children while wearing a catheter bag strapped to her leg after she was left incontinent; a mother of five described how mesh severed her urethra (the tube that carries urine) and destroyed her vaginal wall; a registered nurse explained that her mesh infections produced such a "putrid-smelling discharge" that even showering twice daily couldn't contain it. Many women confessed they had considered suicide.
Professor Thierry Vancaillie, a gynaecologist and pain specialist at the Women's Health and Research Institute of Australia, testified that "[these women] are unable to sit for any length of time, which means they can't enjoy such basic social interaction as a family dinner. They can't have intercourse. They have difficulty emptying their bladder or bowel. They have difficulty with basic physical activity, such as walking or going up flights of stairs. [For women with serious complications, it is] a true disaster."
A disaster the medical profession has been collectively apologising for. "It was a long way from our proudest hour," then-Australian Medical Association president Michael Gannon told Fairfax Media in 2017. "To call [our support of mesh products] a tragedy is not overstating it at all."
"I'd like to offer an apology," said Dr Steve Robson, then-president of the Royal Australian and New Zealand College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists (RANZCOG). "A personal apology and an apology on behalf of the College." Even Greg Hunt, the federal Health Minister, acknowledged in October last year "all of those women with the historic agony and pain that has come from mesh implantation, which has led to horrific outcomes. On behalf of the Australian government, I say sorry."
Unsurprisingly, many women have decided all these officials can take their apologies and, as one mesh patient put it, "stuff them". These women are now seeking financial compensation. One of the largest medical class actions in Australian history, by more than 1300 women against Johnson & Johnson and Ethicon (manufacturers of mesh products), is currently awaiting judgment in Sydney's Federal Court. A second case, by 850 women against American Medical Systems (also a manufacturer) was filed last July. There has also been an unknown number of individual settlements against Australian doctors.
Overseas, meanwhile, the British Medical Journal reported in 2017 that more than 1000 British women had brought legal cases involving mesh to court. In Canada, more than 3000 transvaginal mesh cases had been filed by the end of 2018, and some 107,000 are outstanding in the US, making it one of the largest mass torts on record. More than $US7 billion has been awarded, and in the next few years according to some estimates global compensation claims for mesh complications could exceed $20 billion.
Transvaginal mesh looks set, by some measures, to become one of the biggest issues in women's health for decades. Hinch calls it the biggest issue "since thalidomide". But is anything actually changing? Beyond the verbal mea culpas and the fight for compensation, what lessons have we learnt about protecting women protecting all of us from these kinds of surgical interventions? And what has anyone actually done to help Grace Irvine, and the thousands of women like her?
Former senator Derryn Hinch.Credit:Andrew Meares
"Transvaginal mesh" is the catch-all term for any product surgically inserted via the vagina to support the pelvic organs. Doctors embraced the new mesh devices because they were marketed as offering swifter surgery, quicker recovery times and lower failure rates than the traditional "native tissue" treatment, in which women's own tissue is used for support. Sometimes the mesh takes the form of "slings" or "hammocks"; sometimes it's called "tape" that wraps around or beneath organs. It's usually made of polypropylene, but has also been constructed from materials such as nylon and porcine submucosa, a technical term for pigs' guts.
Importantly, out of 100,000-odd (and perhaps as many as 150,000) women treated in Australia, most have not reported complications from mesh surgery indeed, it's been very successful for many. Success has been most noticeable with stress urinary incontinence, treated via mid-urethral slings (MUS). Many MUS devices have a great deal of scientific evidence behind them, and they remain despite complications the international gold-standard treatment.
But for a substantial minority of women, the experience has been not just bad, but truly horrid. Most complications involve the mesh itself, which hardens and shrinks inside the body, perforating tissue and sometimes piercing other organs. In the bladder or bowel, this can lead to adhesions, infections, fistulas, abscesses and severe urinary and defecation problems. In the vagina, mesh may poke into the vaginal passage itself. Male partners can feel this mesh with their penises during sex; women can feel it themselves with their fingers. Unsurprisingly, many women with mesh problems, like Grace Irvine, find sexual intercourse extremely painful. According to the Health Issues Centre survey, as many as 25 per cent of relationships break down following mesh complications.
Professor Helen O'Connell is one of Australia's top functional and female urology surgeons, and a former director of the Royal Australasian College of Surgeons. Her career has neatly spanned the decades during which mesh was extensively used but she has always avoided it, relying instead on native tissue repairs. While diplomatically maintaining that it's "a really complex area", she says that "in almost every circumstance, there's an option" between using mesh and doing native tissue repair. "I'm not saying there's no place for [mesh], but my need for it has become extremely limited." What is required for successful native tissue repair, she says, crediting her practice colleagues, "is really high-quality surgery, performed with a really high level of expertise".
What's become clearer and clearer as more and more women have come forward with horror stories is that this expertise has been, for many, woefully lacking.
Leesa Tolhurst, left, with her mother Alison Blake, who took her own life because of the pain of an unsuccessful transvaginal mesh procedure. Credit:Courtesy of Leesa Tolhurst
When retired primary school teacher Alison Blake was 62, she was referred to Sydney surgeon Dr Richard Reid for her pelvic and prolapse problems, for which she'd already had unsuccessful surgery. According to her only child Leesa Tolhurst, before surgery her issues "weren't overly severe. She did feel uncomfortable, but she had full function. She just needed to go to the toilet regularly." Reid operated on Blake a daily ocean swimmer who took pride in her health and appearance in February 2014. She suffered immediate complications, including severe and continuous pain. She returned to Reid, who operated twice more before the end of the month. After this surgery, Blake was left with no bladder function whatsoever. "She was completely reliant on self-catheterising," explains Tolhurst. "She had to plan everywhere she went, because she knew she had two hours at most before she'd have to lie down somewhere [to do that]." She was unable to attend her own father's funeral because the crematorium had no facilities for it. "It completely stole her dignity," says Tolhurst.
Before her treatment, Blake presumed as most people do of their doctors, especially their specialists that Reid knew what he was doing. In this she was tragically mistaken. Reid had, in fact, been suspended and fined in the US (where he lived for nearly two decades) in 1998, after a disciplinary hearing following complaints by three women. One of these, a 23-year-old, was awarded $US7.6 million after a civil court heard that Reid's surgery had left her unable to "ever have sex again".
On his return to Australia, Reid was permitted to practise again (prior to a change in legislation requiring doctors to record suspensions). But his incompetence led to restrictions being placed on his practice in 2011. In 2018 (after he retired), he was found guilty of professional misconduct after 17 women were left with serious injuries following mesh surgery by him.
The mesh Reid used in his treatment of Blake, like all transvaginal meshes, was designed for tissue to grow around and through it, "like passionfruit over the chicken coop", as Hinch puts it. This makes its removal extremely difficult, even for highly skilled surgeons. Reid's attempts on Blake left "little spikes of it inside her", says Tolhurst. "On certain movements she'd still feel it digging into her."
She wanted to continue her life so much, but shed just lost all her hope.
Leesa Tolhurst, daughter of Alison Blake who took her own life in 2015.
This continual pain, plus the daily humiliation and social isolation caused by her incontinence, eventually overwhelmed Blake. "I cannot bear the thought of leaving you but the emotional torment and physical pain I'm going through are just too much," she wrote in a note to Tolhurst. "I simply cannot bear to be lying on a couch for months on end and to have to rely on catheters, enemas, Temazepam, painkillers and be a burden to my family and friends."
In June 2015, Blake took her own life.
"I miss her every day," says Tolhurst, her voice choked. "She wanted to continue her life so much, but she'd just lost all her hope, after hanging on for so long."
Alison Blake's case illustrates one of the biggest issues with mesh: medical skill and responsibility. Reid was clearly unfit to be operating when Blake encountered him in 2014. And mesh brought vulnerable patients into contact with doctors working in an extraordinarily laissez-faire, oversight-free arena. As one senior obstetrician gynaecologist explained to Good Weekend, "the mesh reps, the device reps, whoever, come and sit in your office and say, 'So this is the device it's fantastic, we can give you free kits, we can show you how to use it.' And you go, 'Okay, well, I've got a list on Monday, why don't I try it out.' And that's your training."
Such an environment places enormous responsibility on individual doctors to oversee themselves. And too often, in mesh cases, this self-monitoring fell short. "We got really excited, and we weren't cautious enough there's no question of that," Dr Jennifer King, then chair of the Urogynaecological Society of Australasia, told the Senate inquiry. "[Mesh] got used overenthusiastically." One anaesthetist who's worked with several mesh surgeons (not including King), believes it went beyond mere enthusiasm. "As a group, they display a lot of narcissistic, god-complex personality traits," he says. "You could argue that surgeons as a whole tend towards narcissism, but these guys were something else. They were absolutely convinced they were wonderful surgeons, and that everything they did was right, and that no one should question them. They thought they were God's gift, basically."
Grace Irvine, now 29, can't work, walk to the local park with her kids, or exercise her border collie; she needs a wheelchair for long outings. Credit:Photograph by Kristoffer Paulsen. Hair and make-up by Karen Burton.
Grace Irvine has had to grapple with the fact that, in addition to the failure of the surgery itself, she was also subjected to a hysterectomy while under anaesthetic. "They mentioned [a hysterectomy] as a really unlikely possibility in one conversation," she recalls. "They were like, 'We'll just put it down [on the consent form], but we're sure we won't have to do it.' I mean, I had to go and buy a Mirena coil [an IUD] before surgery: they were going to insert it for me. Then I wake up, beside myself with pain, and this has happened." Her surgeons told her they'd removed her uterus because her uterine prolapse was "worse than they thought". As a further blow, Irvine's hospital bed after surgery was in the maternity ward of the hospital; she could hear newborn babies in the rooms on either side. "It was absolutely devastating," she says.
There are many stories like hers: women including many young women whose sexual and reproductive organs were irreparably damaged. Reid, as it turns out, worked with another controversial mesh surgeon, Dr Peter Petros, who was involved in the early development of incontinence mesh in Western Australia. Petros came to the attention of the courts as far back as 2004, when a WA district court judge awarded a woman more than $136,000 after evidence of her severe and permanent injuries following mesh surgery by him.
Since then, a series of complaints culminated last month in a professional misconduct hearing brought by the NSW Health Care Complaints Commission (HCCC), in which Petros was found to have acted improperly and unethically and misled the Commission. Had he not already retired, he would have been struck off over several issues, including failing to disclose his financial interest in a mesh device, the Tissue Fixation System (TFS), which he developed and promoted for many years.
A Tissue Fixation System device, no longer on the market.
The HCCC launched its investigation after a woman left with serious and permanent injuries as a result of being implanted with Petros's device by Reid, without her knowledge or consent, complained Petros had failed to disclose to her his financial interest in the device. Petros was also present, supervising Reid, when Reid implanted Petros's TFS device on a second woman, during which Reid cut an artery, resulting in a near fatal incident. The woman required 12 units of blood and transfer to a major public hospital. The tribunal found Petros wrote an improper and inaccurate report about that event, in which he sought "to minimise the course of the surgery and the nature of the complications suffered by the patient".
Most surgeons are skilled, careful, and trying to act in their patients' best interests. But, as illustrated by recent court cases, when it came to mesh, doctors, manufacturers, and private hospitals (in which many mesh procedures occurred) all stood to make large one might argue compromisingly large amounts of money.
During the Johnson & Johnson class action in Sydney, one of the company's advertising concepts for transvaginal mesh products was tendered to the court. It was an ad aimed at doctors, and in it, two surgeons boast about their successful mesh practices. "Just got back from a week in St. Moritz," says one. "Fabulous ski conditions, beautiful resort." He's just picked up his new Lamborghini. But now he's got to rush he's got to squeeze more mesh patients into his schedule. "You know I can do a TVT-O [an incontinence mesh procedure] in eight minutes."
Professor Helen OConnell.Credit:Kristoffer Paulsen
Obviously, these aren't real surgeons. But Professor O'Connell "can definitely remember people talking about the time it was taking for them to do a mesh sling. And because people could do it very quickly, potentially that could lead to a position where people would say, 'This is child's play. It's so easy ...' " She pauses. "And, well, it possibly isn't that easy. You may not have as many steps as a heart transplant, but the patient is going to have that mesh there permanently. And if you're not giving it full respect, that could potentially be a problem."
In the aftermath of the mesh debacle, many doctors have suggested that it was the device manufacturers such as Johnson & Johnson who were to blame for the problems. And if it wasn't the device manufacturers, it was the TGA, which cleared them for use in the first place. The current president of RANZCOG disagrees. "We as a medical profession have to accept responsibility," says Dr Vijay Roach. "We can't just duck it and blame everybody else."
He acknowledges that the profession itself may need more oversight, more restrictions, more rules about behaviour and training. "I have no problem with any of that," he says. "I mean, as a specialist doctor, I currently have virtually no regulations governing my working hours, alcohol intake, fee structures. Contrast that to other professionals who are responsible for people's lives." Pilots, train drivers, even forklift operators are subject to shift limits and blood alcohol tests; senior doctors, in particular, have no such requirements. "But the difficulty," says Roach, "is in deciding who regulates it. If you believe and I do that the college is in the best position to regulate doctors and the introduction of new techniques and devices, then the colleges have to be adequately resourced. And we are not."
In the meantime, the Australian Commission on Safety and Quality in Health Care (ACSQHC) has moved to protect patients. Late last year, credentialling procedures for mesh surgeons were accepted by every state and territory, and are currently being implemented by hospitals. According to ACSQHC chief executive, Adjunct Professor Debora Picone, "this guarantees that only the most highly qualified urogynaecologists, gynaecologists and urologists can now undertake mesh surgery. Uncredentialled surgeons are not permitted to undertake that surgery."
The problem is that this measure, while positive, is limited in scope. What about the next group of patients being offered new treatments, by doctors without rigorous training, using unproven devices? Describing his own practice, Roach recalls a recent visit from a pair of sales reps with a new laser machine that, they're claiming, will "rejuvenate the vagina" a claim without scientific evidence. "They came in and said, 'We'll get you the equipment, and you're going to be earning $100,000 a month on it'," he recalls. "Just crazy money." As Roach puts it, "the doctor starts by being sucked in to buying this extremely expensive device, and then, because of that financial investment, convinces themselves they're doing the right thing by the patient, when they're not. The doctor is totally conflicted, and the patient never has a chance."
Why weren't mesh devices properly investigated 20 years ago, long before surgeons ever got hold of them? How did they ever reach a hospital shelf, let alone a patient's body?
The gatekeeper for the Australian medical market is the TGA. Most people believe the TGA's remit from government is to subject every new drug and medical device to stringent review, to ensure that the scientific evidence supporting its safety and effectiveness is absolutely robust.
This sounds straightforward. But in the case of mesh, it was not. For some products primarily the MUS products used for incontinence there is extensive research supporting their use. As the 2017 Cochrane Review of mesh studies (a highly respected report by international experts) states, these slings "have a good safety profile" though the experts noted the need for "longer-term data from the numerous existing trials" to help resolve "uncertainties about long-term effectiveness and adverse event profiles".
Transvaginal prolapse mesh devices, however, have no such proof. The 2016 Cochrane Review of transvaginal mesh used in prolapse found that the international body of evidence about these devices was of "very low to moderate quality". In many cases, it was simply non-existent, and where present, its limitations included "poor reporting of study methods, inconsistency, and imprecision". As of 2015, what evidence did exist failed to prove safety or efficacy. Indeed, said the Cochrane experts, "the risk-benefit profile means that transvaginal mesh [for prolapse] has limited utility in primary surgery".
And yet between the years of 1998 and 2013, the TGA cleared more than 100 different mesh products for implantation in women's bodies, including many of these highly problematic transvaginal prolapse devices.
Today, the head of the TGA, Dr John Skerritt, lays responsibility for the original clearances on the American Food and Drug Administration (FDA). "At that time, the TGA accepted approvals from different jurisdictions, including Europe and the US FDA, and used these approvals as the basis for [clearance in Australia]," he says.
An illustration of how one mesh device, the Prolift, was used.
This matters because in 2001, the FDA cleared a transvaginal mesh device called the IVS tunneller. And significantly, this device was green-lighted not only for incontinence, but also for prolapse. The FDA made this decision on the basis of "substantial equivalence" that the IVS tunneller was so similar to a device already on the market (in this case, the TVT incontinence sling) that it needed no new or independent clinical proof that it worked, and was safe. This clearance, fatally, meant that the IVS tunneller could be used not just for incontinence, but also for prolapse despite the lack of specific evidence that it was either safe or effective for prolapse use.
"It's almost impossible to believe that that [FDA] clearance happened," says Professor Chris Maher, one of Australia's top urogynaecologists and a lead Cochrane Review author. Prolapse and incontinence are different conditions involving different anatomical structures. Also, the IVS tunneller was made of a different material from the TVT, and was of a different design. "The clearance was factually incorrect," says Maher. "There was no substantial equivalence."
And yet, in the years to come, this single clearance opened the door for a cascade of new prolapse devices to be approved, first overseas and then in Australia. So in terms of the science behind them, a whole section of the mesh market was simply a castle in the air.
Many doctors were as shocked as their patients to discover that the mesh devices they were implanting were not supported by watertight scientific evidence. As of January 2018, all transvaginal mesh prolapse devices have been removed from the Australian market, and, as of last month, only 13 mesh products remain, including some prolapse devices that cannot be inserted transvaginally, and the Johnson & Johnson TVT mesh mid-urethral sling for incontinence. All of them, says Skerritt, are now classified as high-risk (class III), "which [require] extensive analysis of clinical and non-clinical evidence" before clearance.
Most doctors think this reclassification is a good move, as is the establishment of a national Pelvic Floor Surgery Clinical Quality Registry, which was announced by Health Minister Greg Hunt in April. "What we want," says Helen O'Connell, "is a very well-tested group of products, about which we have a great deal of long-term data, being used by a group of highly competent surgeons."
Women with existing mesh complications are glad others will be protected in future. "I want no woman to suffer as I have suffered," testified one woman at the Senate inquiry. But because they already have now-banned products in their bodies, future restrictions won't help them and might isolate them further as the lack of new cases makes their suffering seem increasingly irrelevant. So if you're one of these women, what do you do now?
Grace Irvine, for one, isn't quite sure. She's considering her legal options: she's part of the Johnson & Johnson case, and may yet take legal action against her own doctors. She had her mesh removed at Melbourne's Royal Women's Hospital last August. According to her operation notes, her mesh was "exposed one centimetre under urethral meatus" where urine is discharged from the body. It was also "very adherent to periosteum and required division at pubic bone to facilitate removal". In other words, mesh was stuck to the tissue covering her pubic bone, which had to then be pulled apart which she describes as "a bit like having your hip surgically broken" and the mesh shaved away from the tissue to get it out. In the course of the operation, the obturator nerves of her right leg were damaged, which is why she limps.
She has a large scab on her right shin, I notice during my visit. "Oh yes," she says sheepishly.
"I've got no feeling below the knee, so I'm always banging it on things." Her new surgeon, in whom she has great and under the circumstances, extremely touching faith, has told her she will need "several more surgeries". Specialists at The Royal Women's Hospital have also told her that her hysterectomy was unnecessary.
Mesh removal complications aren't unusual. Professors O'Connell and Maher both do removal operations, and both regard them as extremely difficult, often distressing procedures. "It's bloody horrible surgery," Dr Jennifer King told the Senate inquiry. Indeed, in many cases, even the most experienced surgeons are reluctant to remove mesh, because of the risks of causing new injuries, or exacerbating old ones. And yet, says Maher, more and more women are anxious about potential problems and seeking full removal. "And because they're so adamant, increasingly it is being performed," he explains. "In a way, doctors' opinions have been sidelined."
Mesh removal is a matter of opinion. Some women want it, whatever the risks. "They feel violated," says Hinch. "And I can totally understand that. They just want it gone." Others feel Australian surgeons can't be trusted, and want to travel overseas, where complete mesh removal costs tens of thousands of dollars and results are mixed.
According to RANZCOG's submission to the Senate inquiry, removal surgery is entirely possible in Australia, though it may require a surgical team with "urogynaecologist/gynaecologist and urologist and/or colorectal surgeon" expertise, and surgery can take eight hours or longer. A multi-disciplinary team and all-day surgery, to remove a product that took one person as little as eight minutes to put in.
And even when such surgery is successful, the problems aren't over. "Unfortunately, pain may persist in as many as 50 per cent of women," says Maher. You may remove all the mesh, repair all the damage, and yet the experience of terrible pain remains. How can this be so?
If this had been a male problem, it would have been up there and out there and fixed in six months!
Former senator Derryn Hinch
Dr Jason Chow is an obstetrician/gynaecologist in Sydney. He's also a pain specialist, and every week he sees patients with chronic pain from mesh complications. Chronic pain, he explains, is the result of a complex sensitisation process within the body. "[It's] a kind of maladaptive response from the nerves that report pain. It's a change in the pathways," he says. "The pathways that tell you you've stepped on a thumbtack and you're feeling pain are not the same as the pathways telling you you're still feeling the thumbtack three months down the track."
Professor Debora Picone.
The problem is that most non-pain-specialist doctors don't understand chronic pain. For this reason, the Senate inquiry specifically recommended that the multi-disciplinary medical units for the treatment of mesh patients should include pain specialists. "That's crucial," says ACSQHC's Debora Picone. "These women have major issues with pain management, major issues of good old-fashioned psychological trauma, particularly in the old days when they weren't believed. The question is, how long it will take to get the centres going?
"I've been in health a long time," she adds. "And to be honest, it's not going to happen overnight not even within 12 months. This is a new clinical problem, and it's a long process. But I'm confident it will happen."
Some things have improved for patients with transvaginal mesh complications in Australia. Better awareness among health professionals helps, as will the mesh registry, multi-disciplinary centres and better accreditation of doctors. And the removal of unproven mesh devices from the market, plus information about informed consent, which hospitals must now provide to patients, will help protect women in the future.
Dr Vijay Roach.Credit:Steven Siewert
But not all the signs are good. Last year, Maher who first raised the alarm on mesh more than 20 years ago experienced a terrifying groundhog day. In last November's edition of the respected Medical Journal of Australia, he and colleague Dr Melissa Buttini expressed the widespread concern of doctors about a new wave of CO2 laser treatments marketed at women for "vaginal rejuvenation". (These are the lasers represented by the reps who visited RANZCOG's president Dr Vijay Roach, suggesting he could make $100,000 a month from treatments.) In August, the US FDA issued a warning about laser devices in this context. (The TGA is currently reviewing their use.) "These products have serious risks and don't have adequate evidence to support their use for these purposes," the FDA stated. "We are deeply concerned women are being harmed."
Maher and Buttini are also concerned. They point out the "lack of properly controlled trials", the "deceptive health claims and significant risks", and the fact that companies "promoting vaginal laser treatment do not currently need to provide evidence from stringently conducted trials in order to receive device clearance [from the TGA]".
Sound familiar? "It's exactly the same," says Maher. Unproven devices, patients at risk. "Doctors do want to do the best for their patients," he says. "But sometimes they get carried away with their enthusiasm for the newest, most innovative treatments. Women need to know that, if treatments aren't funded by Medicare, they may not have been fully assessed for safety or effectiveness."
In the wake of what's gone before, he concludes, doctors and patients alike need to be extremely careful. "Have we got the message from mesh? I'm not sure we have."
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The 'eight-minute' cure: how transvaginal mesh sentenced thousands of women to a life of pain
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Grace Irvine has blue eyes, pale skin, and short hair that fluffs up at the back like a baby chick's. She is 29 years old. Three years ago, she was a healthy mother of three boys living in a small town in Victoria. She worked as a dental assistant, and wanted to study nursing.
After her second son, Sammy, was born in 2013, Irvine noticed what felt like an uncomfortable lump in her vagina when she sat down. This is a common symptom of pelvic organ prolapse (POP), a condition that, at some point, affects about half of all women who've had children. It happens when organs of the pelvis bladder, rectum, uterus drop or press into the vagina. She also noticed "a bit of leakage" during exercise, caused by stress urinary incontinence (SUI). This is a separate condition to prolapse, but both are socially disabling and cause serious health problems if very severe and Irvine was only 24.
"I didn't want to be wearing nappies for the rest of my life," she explains, smiling. "I did want to get it fixed."
In June 2016, when her third son, Parker, was six months old, she had an operation at her small local hospital, performed by two gynaecologists with an "interest" in mesh surgery, to insert transvaginal mesh. She was told the operation would cure her incontinence and prolapse, and that her recovery would be swift and easy two weeks at most.
None of this proved true. She woke from the operation in agony, and six weeks later, her vaginal cuff and bladder were both prolapsing, and she was still incontinent. "The surgeon was shocked," recalls Irvine. "He sent me back to the referring specialist." "It's a pretty rough job," he told her. "But it's not the worst I've seen.'"
Irvine lives in a modest brick and tile house. She walks slowly, favouring her right leg, and often pauses while speaking, breathing through her nose. Sitting at the kitchen table, even though she's on a cushion, she shifts around a lot, arms folded tightly. Three years after her initial operation, she's now almost entirely incontinent: at her cousin's wedding recently, she wet herself "completely: a full bladder. I was wearing a proper urinary pad, but it was dripping down my leg." She has frequent serious infections and discharge; and she's been unable to have sex with her partner of 12 years for more than a year because it's too painful.
This pain is the worst thing of all, she says. She's not on any painkillers, because she's worried about dependency, and she can't sit for long, or walk far, because it feels "like a cheese grater in my vagina" an analogy used by many mesh patients "like rough surfaces are catching and rubbing together". She can't work, or walk to the local park with her kids, or exercise her border collie; she needs a wheelchair for long outings. The other night, her oldest son, Tyler, now 10, said to her: "'I miss doing things with you, Mum.' " Irvine looks down at the kitchen table. For the only time during a three-hour interview, her self-control slips. "My kids are paying the price for this," she says, eyes filled with tears. "I just can't believe it. I can't believe this happened to me."
A sample of transvaginal mesh. In Australia, only 13 mesh products from more than 100 now remain on the market. Credit:AP
Since its introduction in the late 1980s, somewhere between 7000 and 18,000 women have experienced complications from mesh surgery in this country. This figure echoes as many as 200,000 cases reported overseas. In what one surgeon has called a "tragic, two-decade-long free-for-all", these women were victims of often poorly trained doctors, using devices that, in many cases, lacked scientific evidence of safety or effectiveness, without being properly informed of what was being done to them.
In this country, most mesh surgery training was facilitated by mesh manufacturers themselves (with all the potential for conflict of interest this creates); the Therapeutic Goods Administration (TGA) required no independent clinical evidence about many of the transvaginal prolapse mesh devices it cleared; and according to a 2017 survey of 1900 women by the Health Issues Centre, a Victorian health consumer peak body, more than 60 per cent of women did not give informed consent. Instead, when things went wrong, these women were cut loose by doctors, regulators and manufacturers alike. Their reports of serious complications and debilitating pain were ignored; the products they were implanted with were not investigated; and their doctors told them they were "imagining the pain", that they should "try anal sex", or that they were "crazy".
According to former federal senator Derryn Hinch, who agitated for a Senate inquiry into mesh use, this is all par for the course.
"I remember sending some mesh-related paperwork to a government administrative office," he recalls. "And when it came back they'd changed the word 'vaginal' to 'pelvic'! That's what's f...ing wrong with all this! For five years, no one's touched this because it's got the word 'vagina' in it. If this had been a male problem, it would have been up there and out there and fixed in six months!"
The eventual 2018 Senate inquiry recommended a national audit of past mesh procedures and a registry for future ones; mandatory reporting of problems by doctors; and the establishment of specialist multi-disciplinary mesh clinics. It also exposed at least some of what mesh-injured women were dealing with. A young teacher testified about trying to look after a class of little children while wearing a catheter bag strapped to her leg after she was left incontinent; a mother of five described how mesh severed her urethra (the tube that carries urine) and destroyed her vaginal wall; a registered nurse explained that her mesh infections produced such a "putrid-smelling discharge" that even showering twice daily couldn't contain it. Many women confessed they had considered suicide.
Professor Thierry Vancaillie, a gynaecologist and pain specialist at the Women's Health and Research Institute of Australia, testified that "[these women] are unable to sit for any length of time, which means they can't enjoy such basic social interaction as a family dinner. They can't have intercourse. They have difficulty emptying their bladder or bowel. They have difficulty with basic physical activity, such as walking or going up flights of stairs. [For women with serious complications, it is] a true disaster."
A disaster the medical profession has been collectively apologising for. "It was a long way from our proudest hour," then-Australian Medical Association president Michael Gannon told Fairfax Media in 2017. "To call [our support of mesh products] a tragedy is not overstating it at all."
"I'd like to offer an apology," said Dr Steve Robson, then-president of the Royal Australian and New Zealand College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists (RANZCOG). "A personal apology and an apology on behalf of the College." Even Greg Hunt, the federal Health Minister, acknowledged in October last year "all of those women with the historic agony and pain that has come from mesh implantation, which has led to horrific outcomes. On behalf of the Australian government, I say sorry."
Unsurprisingly, many women have decided all these officials can take their apologies and, as one mesh patient put it, "stuff them". These women are now seeking financial compensation. One of the largest medical class actions in Australian history, by more than 1300 women against Johnson & Johnson and Ethicon (manufacturers of mesh products), is currently awaiting judgment in Sydney's Federal Court. A second case, by 850 women against American Medical Systems (also a manufacturer) was filed last July. There has also been an unknown number of individual settlements against Australian doctors.
Overseas, meanwhile, the British Medical Journal reported in 2017 that more than 1000 British women had brought legal cases involving mesh to court. In Canada, more than 3000 transvaginal mesh cases had been filed by the end of 2018, and some 107,000 are outstanding in the US, making it one of the largest mass torts on record. More than $US7 billion has been awarded, and in the next few years according to some estimates global compensation claims for mesh complications could exceed $20 billion.
Transvaginal mesh looks set, by some measures, to become one of the biggest issues in women's health for decades. Hinch calls it the biggest issue "since thalidomide". But is anything actually changing? Beyond the verbal mea culpas and the fight for compensation, what lessons have we learnt about protecting women protecting all of us from these kinds of surgical interventions? And what has anyone actually done to help Grace Irvine, and the thousands of women like her?
Former senator Derryn Hinch.Credit:Andrew Meares
"Transvaginal mesh" is the catch-all term for any product surgically inserted via the vagina to support the pelvic organs. Doctors embraced the new mesh devices because they were marketed as offering swifter surgery, quicker recovery times and lower failure rates than the traditional "native tissue" treatment, in which women's own tissue is used for support. Sometimes the mesh takes the form of "slings" or "hammocks"; sometimes it's called "tape" that wraps around or beneath organs. It's usually made of polypropylene, but has also been constructed from materials such as nylon and porcine submucosa, a technical term for pigs' guts.
Importantly, out of 100,000-odd (and perhaps as many as 150,000) women treated in Australia, most have not reported complications from mesh surgery indeed, it's been very successful for many. Success has been most noticeable with stress urinary incontinence, treated via mid-urethral slings (MUS). Many MUS devices have a great deal of scientific evidence behind them, and they remain despite complications the international gold-standard treatment.
But for a substantial minority of women, the experience has been not just bad, but truly horrid. Most complications involve the mesh itself, which hardens and shrinks inside the body, perforating tissue and sometimes piercing other organs. In the bladder or bowel, this can lead to adhesions, infections, fistulas, abscesses and severe urinary and defecation problems. In the vagina, mesh may poke into the vaginal passage itself. Male partners can feel this mesh with their penises during sex; women can feel it themselves with their fingers. Unsurprisingly, many women with mesh problems, like Grace Irvine, find sexual intercourse extremely painful. According to the Health Issues Centre survey, as many as 25 per cent of relationships break down following mesh complications.
Professor Helen O'Connell is one of Australia's top functional and female urology surgeons, and a former director of the Royal Australasian College of Surgeons. Her career has neatly spanned the decades during which mesh was extensively used but she has always avoided it, relying instead on native tissue repairs. While diplomatically maintaining that it's "a really complex area", she says that "in almost every circumstance, there's an option" between using mesh and doing native tissue repair. "I'm not saying there's no place for [mesh], but my need for it has become extremely limited." What is required for successful native tissue repair, she says, crediting her practice colleagues, "is really high-quality surgery, performed with a really high level of expertise".
What's become clearer and clearer as more and more women have come forward with horror stories is that this expertise has been, for many, woefully lacking.
Leesa Tolhurst, left, with her mother Alison Blake, who took her own life because of the pain of an unsuccessful transvaginal mesh procedure. Credit:Courtesy of Leesa Tolhurst
When retired primary school teacher Alison Blake was 62, she was referred to Sydney surgeon Dr Richard Reid for her pelvic and prolapse problems, for which she'd already had unsuccessful surgery. According to her only child Leesa Tolhurst, before surgery her issues "weren't overly severe. She did feel uncomfortable, but she had full function. She just needed to go to the toilet regularly." Reid operated on Blake a daily ocean swimmer who took pride in her health and appearance in February 2014. She suffered immediate complications, including severe and continuous pain. She returned to Reid, who operated twice more before the end of the month. After this surgery, Blake was left with no bladder function whatsoever. "She was completely reliant on self-catheterising," explains Tolhurst. "She had to plan everywhere she went, because she knew she had two hours at most before she'd have to lie down somewhere [to do that]." She was unable to attend her own father's funeral because the crematorium had no facilities for it. "It completely stole her dignity," says Tolhurst.
Before her treatment, Blake presumed as most people do of their doctors, especially their specialists that Reid knew what he was doing. In this she was tragically mistaken. Reid had, in fact, been suspended and fined in the US (where he lived for nearly two decades) in 1998, after a disciplinary hearing following complaints by three women. One of these, a 23-year-old, was awarded $US7.6 million after a civil court heard that Reid's surgery had left her unable to "ever have sex again".
On his return to Australia, Reid was permitted to practise again (prior to a change in legislation requiring doctors to record suspensions). But his incompetence led to restrictions being placed on his practice in 2011. In 2018 (after he retired), he was found guilty of professional misconduct after 17 women were left with serious injuries following mesh surgery by him.
The mesh Reid used in his treatment of Blake, like all transvaginal meshes, was designed for tissue to grow around and through it, "like passionfruit over the chicken coop", as Hinch puts it. This makes its removal extremely difficult, even for highly skilled surgeons. Reid's attempts on Blake left "little spikes of it inside her", says Tolhurst. "On certain movements she'd still feel it digging into her."
She wanted to continue her life so much, but shed just lost all her hope.
Leesa Tolhurst, daughter of Alison Blake who took her own life in 2015.
This continual pain, plus the daily humiliation and social isolation caused by her incontinence, eventually overwhelmed Blake. "I cannot bear the thought of leaving you but the emotional torment and physical pain I'm going through are just too much," she wrote in a note to Tolhurst. "I simply cannot bear to be lying on a couch for months on end and to have to rely on catheters, enemas, Temazepam, painkillers and be a burden to my family and friends."
In June 2015, Blake took her own life.
"I miss her every day," says Tolhurst, her voice choked. "She wanted to continue her life so much, but she'd just lost all her hope, after hanging on for so long."
Alison Blake's case illustrates one of the biggest issues with mesh: medical skill and responsibility. Reid was clearly unfit to be operating when Blake encountered him in 2014. And mesh brought vulnerable patients into contact with doctors working in an extraordinarily laissez-faire, oversight-free arena. As one senior obstetrician gynaecologist explained to Good Weekend, "the mesh reps, the device reps, whoever, come and sit in your office and say, 'So this is the device it's fantastic, we can give you free kits, we can show you how to use it.' And you go, 'Okay, well, I've got a list on Monday, why don't I try it out.' And that's your training."
Such an environment places enormous responsibility on individual doctors to oversee themselves. And too often, in mesh cases, this self-monitoring fell short. "We got really excited, and we weren't cautious enough there's no question of that," Dr Jennifer King, then chair of the Urogynaecological Society of Australasia, told the Senate inquiry. "[Mesh] got used overenthusiastically." One anaesthetist who's worked with several mesh surgeons (not including King), believes it went beyond mere enthusiasm. "As a group, they display a lot of narcissistic, god-complex personality traits," he says. "You could argue that surgeons as a whole tend towards narcissism, but these guys were something else. They were absolutely convinced they were wonderful surgeons, and that everything they did was right, and that no one should question them. They thought they were God's gift, basically."
Grace Irvine, now 29, can't work, walk to the local park with her kids, or exercise her border collie; she needs a wheelchair for long outings. Credit:Photograph by Kristoffer Paulsen. Hair and make-up by Karen Burton.
Grace Irvine has had to grapple with the fact that, in addition to the failure of the surgery itself, she was also subjected to a hysterectomy while under anaesthetic. "They mentioned [a hysterectomy] as a really unlikely possibility in one conversation," she recalls. "They were like, 'We'll just put it down [on the consent form], but we're sure we won't have to do it.' I mean, I had to go and buy a Mirena coil [an IUD] before surgery: they were going to insert it for me. Then I wake up, beside myself with pain, and this has happened." Her surgeons told her they'd removed her uterus because her uterine prolapse was "worse than they thought". As a further blow, Irvine's hospital bed after surgery was in the maternity ward of the hospital; she could hear newborn babies in the rooms on either side. "It was absolutely devastating," she says.
There are many stories like hers: women including many young women whose sexual and reproductive organs were irreparably damaged. Reid, as it turns out, worked with another controversial mesh surgeon, Dr Peter Petros, who was involved in the early development of incontinence mesh in Western Australia. Petros came to the attention of the courts as far back as 2004, when a WA district court judge awarded a woman more than $136,000 after evidence of her severe and permanent injuries following mesh surgery by him.
Since then, a series of complaints culminated last month in a professional misconduct hearing brought by the NSW Health Care Complaints Commission (HCCC), in which Petros was found to have acted improperly and unethically and misled the Commission. Had he not already retired, he would have been struck off over several issues, including failing to disclose his financial interest in a mesh device, the Tissue Fixation System (TFS), which he developed and promoted for many years.
A Tissue Fixation System device, no longer on the market.
The HCCC launched its investigation after a woman left with serious and permanent injuries as a result of being implanted with Petros's device by Reid, without her knowledge or consent, complained Petros had failed to disclose to her his financial interest in the device. Petros was also present, supervising Reid, when Reid implanted Petros's TFS device on a second woman, during which Reid cut an artery, resulting in a near fatal incident. The woman required 12 units of blood and transfer to a major public hospital. The tribunal found Petros wrote an improper and inaccurate report about that event, in which he sought "to minimise the course of the surgery and the nature of the complications suffered by the patient".
Most surgeons are skilled, careful, and trying to act in their patients' best interests. But, as illustrated by recent court cases, when it came to mesh, doctors, manufacturers, and private hospitals (in which many mesh procedures occurred) all stood to make large one might argue compromisingly large amounts of money.
During the Johnson & Johnson class action in Sydney, one of the company's advertising concepts for transvaginal mesh products was tendered to the court. It was an ad aimed at doctors, and in it, two surgeons boast about their successful mesh practices. "Just got back from a week in St. Moritz," says one. "Fabulous ski conditions, beautiful resort." He's just picked up his new Lamborghini. But now he's got to rush he's got to squeeze more mesh patients into his schedule. "You know I can do a TVT-O [an incontinence mesh procedure] in eight minutes."
Professor Helen OConnell.Credit:Kristoffer Paulsen
Obviously, these aren't real surgeons. But Professor O'Connell "can definitely remember people talking about the time it was taking for them to do a mesh sling. And because people could do it very quickly, potentially that could lead to a position where people would say, 'This is child's play. It's so easy ...' " She pauses. "And, well, it possibly isn't that easy. You may not have as many steps as a heart transplant, but the patient is going to have that mesh there permanently. And if you're not giving it full respect, that could potentially be a problem."
In the aftermath of the mesh debacle, many doctors have suggested that it was the device manufacturers such as Johnson & Johnson who were to blame for the problems. And if it wasn't the device manufacturers, it was the TGA, which cleared them for use in the first place. The current president of RANZCOG disagrees. "We as a medical profession have to accept responsibility," says Dr Vijay Roach. "We can't just duck it and blame everybody else."
He acknowledges that the profession itself may need more oversight, more restrictions, more rules about behaviour and training. "I have no problem with any of that," he says. "I mean, as a specialist doctor, I currently have virtually no regulations governing my working hours, alcohol intake, fee structures. Contrast that to other professionals who are responsible for people's lives." Pilots, train drivers, even forklift operators are subject to shift limits and blood alcohol tests; senior doctors, in particular, have no such requirements. "But the difficulty," says Roach, "is in deciding who regulates it. If you believe and I do that the college is in the best position to regulate doctors and the introduction of new techniques and devices, then the colleges have to be adequately resourced. And we are not."
In the meantime, the Australian Commission on Safety and Quality in Health Care (ACSQHC) has moved to protect patients. Late last year, credentialling procedures for mesh surgeons were accepted by every state and territory, and are currently being implemented by hospitals. According to ACSQHC chief executive, Adjunct Professor Debora Picone, "this guarantees that only the most highly qualified urogynaecologists, gynaecologists and urologists can now undertake mesh surgery. Uncredentialled surgeons are not permitted to undertake that surgery."
The problem is that this measure, while positive, is limited in scope. What about the next group of patients being offered new treatments, by doctors without rigorous training, using unproven devices? Describing his own practice, Roach recalls a recent visit from a pair of sales reps with a new laser machine that, they're claiming, will "rejuvenate the vagina" a claim without scientific evidence. "They came in and said, 'We'll get you the equipment, and you're going to be earning $100,000 a month on it'," he recalls. "Just crazy money." As Roach puts it, "the doctor starts by being sucked in to buying this extremely expensive device, and then, because of that financial investment, convinces themselves they're doing the right thing by the patient, when they're not. The doctor is totally conflicted, and the patient never has a chance."
Why weren't mesh devices properly investigated 20 years ago, long before surgeons ever got hold of them? How did they ever reach a hospital shelf, let alone a patient's body?
The gatekeeper for the Australian medical market is the TGA. Most people believe the TGA's remit from government is to subject every new drug and medical device to stringent review, to ensure that the scientific evidence supporting its safety and effectiveness is absolutely robust.
This sounds straightforward. But in the case of mesh, it was not. For some products primarily the MUS products used for incontinence there is extensive research supporting their use. As the 2017 Cochrane Review of mesh studies (a highly respected report by international experts) states, these slings "have a good safety profile" though the experts noted the need for "longer-term data from the numerous existing trials" to help resolve "uncertainties about long-term effectiveness and adverse event profiles".
Transvaginal prolapse mesh devices, however, have no such proof. The 2016 Cochrane Review of transvaginal mesh used in prolapse found that the international body of evidence about these devices was of "very low to moderate quality". In many cases, it was simply non-existent, and where present, its limitations included "poor reporting of study methods, inconsistency, and imprecision". As of 2015, what evidence did exist failed to prove safety or efficacy. Indeed, said the Cochrane experts, "the risk-benefit profile means that transvaginal mesh [for prolapse] has limited utility in primary surgery".
And yet between the years of 1998 and 2013, the TGA cleared more than 100 different mesh products for implantation in women's bodies, including many of these highly problematic transvaginal prolapse devices.
Today, the head of the TGA, Dr John Skerritt, lays responsibility for the original clearances on the American Food and Drug Administration (FDA). "At that time, the TGA accepted approvals from different jurisdictions, including Europe and the US FDA, and used these approvals as the basis for [clearance in Australia]," he says.
An illustration of how one mesh device, the Prolift, was used.
This matters because in 2001, the FDA cleared a transvaginal mesh device called the IVS tunneller. And significantly, this device was green-lighted not only for incontinence, but also for prolapse. The FDA made this decision on the basis of "substantial equivalence" that the IVS tunneller was so similar to a device already on the market (in this case, the TVT incontinence sling) that it needed no new or independent clinical proof that it worked, and was safe. This clearance, fatally, meant that the IVS tunneller could be used not just for incontinence, but also for prolapse despite the lack of specific evidence that it was either safe or effective for prolapse use.
"It's almost impossible to believe that that [FDA] clearance happened," says Professor Chris Maher, one of Australia's top urogynaecologists and a lead Cochrane Review author. Prolapse and incontinence are different conditions involving different anatomical structures. Also, the IVS tunneller was made of a different material from the TVT, and was of a different design. "The clearance was factually incorrect," says Maher. "There was no substantial equivalence."
And yet, in the years to come, this single clearance opened the door for a cascade of new prolapse devices to be approved, first overseas and then in Australia. So in terms of the science behind them, a whole section of the mesh market was simply a castle in the air.
Many doctors were as shocked as their patients to discover that the mesh devices they were implanting were not supported by watertight scientific evidence. As of January 2018, all transvaginal mesh prolapse devices have been removed from the Australian market, and, as of last month, only 13 mesh products remain, including some prolapse devices that cannot be inserted transvaginally, and the Johnson & Johnson TVT mesh mid-urethral sling for incontinence. All of them, says Skerritt, are now classified as high-risk (class III), "which [require] extensive analysis of clinical and non-clinical evidence" before clearance.
Most doctors think this reclassification is a good move, as is the establishment of a national Pelvic Floor Surgery Clinical Quality Registry, which was announced by Health Minister Greg Hunt in April. "What we want," says Helen O'Connell, "is a very well-tested group of products, about which we have a great deal of long-term data, being used by a group of highly competent surgeons."
Women with existing mesh complications are glad others will be protected in future. "I want no woman to suffer as I have suffered," testified one woman at the Senate inquiry. But because they already have now-banned products in their bodies, future restrictions won't help them and might isolate them further as the lack of new cases makes their suffering seem increasingly irrelevant. So if you're one of these women, what do you do now?
Grace Irvine, for one, isn't quite sure. She's considering her legal options: she's part of the Johnson & Johnson case, and may yet take legal action against her own doctors. She had her mesh removed at Melbourne's Royal Women's Hospital last August. According to her operation notes, her mesh was "exposed one centimetre under urethral meatus" where urine is discharged from the body. It was also "very adherent to periosteum and required division at pubic bone to facilitate removal". In other words, mesh was stuck to the tissue covering her pubic bone, which had to then be pulled apart which she describes as "a bit like having your hip surgically broken" and the mesh shaved away from the tissue to get it out. In the course of the operation, the obturator nerves of her right leg were damaged, which is why she limps.
She has a large scab on her right shin, I notice during my visit. "Oh yes," she says sheepishly.
"I've got no feeling below the knee, so I'm always banging it on things." Her new surgeon, in whom she has great and under the circumstances, extremely touching faith, has told her she will need "several more surgeries". Specialists at The Royal Women's Hospital have also told her that her hysterectomy was unnecessary.
Mesh removal complications aren't unusual. Professors O'Connell and Maher both do removal operations, and both regard them as extremely difficult, often distressing procedures. "It's bloody horrible surgery," Dr Jennifer King told the Senate inquiry. Indeed, in many cases, even the most experienced surgeons are reluctant to remove mesh, because of the risks of causing new injuries, or exacerbating old ones. And yet, says Maher, more and more women are anxious about potential problems and seeking full removal. "And because they're so adamant, increasingly it is being performed," he explains. "In a way, doctors' opinions have been sidelined."
Mesh removal is a matter of opinion. Some women want it, whatever the risks. "They feel violated," says Hinch. "And I can totally understand that. They just want it gone." Others feel Australian surgeons can't be trusted, and want to travel overseas, where complete mesh removal costs tens of thousands of dollars and results are mixed.
According to RANZCOG's submission to the Senate inquiry, removal surgery is entirely possible in Australia, though it may require a surgical team with "urogynaecologist/gynaecologist and urologist and/or colorectal surgeon" expertise, and surgery can take eight hours or longer. A multi-disciplinary team and all-day surgery, to remove a product that took one person as little as eight minutes to put in.
And even when such surgery is successful, the problems aren't over. "Unfortunately, pain may persist in as many as 50 per cent of women," says Maher. You may remove all the mesh, repair all the damage, and yet the experience of terrible pain remains. How can this be so?
If this had been a male problem, it would have been up there and out there and fixed in six months!
Former senator Derryn Hinch
Dr Jason Chow is an obstetrician/gynaecologist in Sydney. He's also a pain specialist, and every week he sees patients with chronic pain from mesh complications. Chronic pain, he explains, is the result of a complex sensitisation process within the body. "[It's] a kind of maladaptive response from the nerves that report pain. It's a change in the pathways," he says. "The pathways that tell you you've stepped on a thumbtack and you're feeling pain are not the same as the pathways telling you you're still feeling the thumbtack three months down the track."
Professor Debora Picone.
The problem is that most non-pain-specialist doctors don't understand chronic pain. For this reason, the Senate inquiry specifically recommended that the multi-disciplinary medical units for the treatment of mesh patients should include pain specialists. "That's crucial," says ACSQHC's Debora Picone. "These women have major issues with pain management, major issues of good old-fashioned psychological trauma, particularly in the old days when they weren't believed. The question is, how long it will take to get the centres going?
"I've been in health a long time," she adds. "And to be honest, it's not going to happen overnight not even within 12 months. This is a new clinical problem, and it's a long process. But I'm confident it will happen."
Some things have improved for patients with transvaginal mesh complications in Australia. Better awareness among health professionals helps, as will the mesh registry, multi-disciplinary centres and better accreditation of doctors. And the removal of unproven mesh devices from the market, plus information about informed consent, which hospitals must now provide to patients, will help protect women in the future.
Dr Vijay Roach.Credit:Steven Siewert
But not all the signs are good. Last year, Maher who first raised the alarm on mesh more than 20 years ago experienced a terrifying groundhog day. In last November's edition of the respected Medical Journal of Australia, he and colleague Dr Melissa Buttini expressed the widespread concern of doctors about a new wave of CO2 laser treatments marketed at women for "vaginal rejuvenation". (These are the lasers represented by the reps who visited RANZCOG's president Dr Vijay Roach, suggesting he could make $100,000 a month from treatments.) In August, the US FDA issued a warning about laser devices in this context. (The TGA is currently reviewing their use.) "These products have serious risks and don't have adequate evidence to support their use for these purposes," the FDA stated. "We are deeply concerned women are being harmed."
Maher and Buttini are also concerned. They point out the "lack of properly controlled trials", the "deceptive health claims and significant risks", and the fact that companies "promoting vaginal laser treatment do not currently need to provide evidence from stringently conducted trials in order to receive device clearance [from the TGA]".
Sound familiar? "It's exactly the same," says Maher. Unproven devices, patients at risk. "Doctors do want to do the best for their patients," he says. "But sometimes they get carried away with their enthusiasm for the newest, most innovative treatments. Women need to know that, if treatments aren't funded by Medicare, they may not have been fully assessed for safety or effectiveness."
In the wake of what's gone before, he concludes, doctors and patients alike need to be extremely careful. "Have we got the message from mesh? I'm not sure we have."
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https://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/health-and-wellness/the-eight-minute-cure-how-transvaginal-mesh-sentenced-thousands-of-women-to-a-life-of-pain-20190611-p51whn.html?ref=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_source=rss_feed
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june: week five
26: kevin woke up earlier than i did today o__o i rolled around bed and i was just so tired. i did wake up at like 6 am to pee and drink water because my mouth was so dry. kevin left to go to work and then realized he left his laptop and id at home LOLOLOL. so he had to train back and get them. i ate cereal for breakfast and then went to work and caught up on all the stuff that happened over the weekend. i also caught up with my financials and i’m so thankful that july is here so i can properly sort out my moneys lol. then i went back to work and started recording videos. i recorded and edited for the rest of the day. then i did ab exercises and snuck in a low-impact cardio workout...which i don’t think i should have done. ugh. :/ then i put chicken in the oven and made rice. i showered and got out just as the chicken finished baking. kevin got back from climbing and then showered while i chopped garlic and cilantro.
i ate dinner while he cooked. i got hungry so i finished leftovers and a chicken thigh by the time he was done. i asked kevin to take a quiz for me and he got real judgey about it -__-” like c’mon, it’s just a quiz. so then i just left him be and watched ‘crossroads’ in the bedroom. lol it was a good way to spend my evening <3 kevin apologized and then actually tried to take the quiz and them steamed soup dumplings for us. my mom called me and asked me about my foot and yelled at me out of love and asked me to move home LOL (that’s not happening). then i finished watching the movie, jammed out to britney’s old school music, and then brushed and went to sleep.
27: merp. i don’t feel like myself. i feel like something is wrong but i’m not sure? i woke up and went straight to work while eating breakfast. we had all-hands today so i took that time to do some internet errands. phil also said i didn’t need to work on monday so woot. i might work though. i was very productive and made one pagers for all the videos as well as exercises if necessary and i also pinpointed the next videos i could record and practiced using the new tools and ui. then i went straight into my arms and back workout. i talked to my mom for a bit and then baked chicken and showered. kevin got back and then showered and i ended up eating a chicken thigh and then we just went straight into making spring rolls and eating dinner. i told kevin how i’ve been feeling like we haven’t been spending quality time together as in time without reading fanfic or doing something else when we’re with each other. so we planned on doing more of that in the upcoming days. i watched some youtube videos and snuck in a 15 minute low impact workout to get my heart pumping a bit. i felt pretty bloated and sluggish today. i did my pt stretches and iced my feet as well. then i got into bed at 11:30 pm and started re-taking personality quizzes because why not? i got INFJ again for two quizzes and then a very confused one on the last one. apparently, i was on the cusp of extra/intro and intuitive/perceiving. i took it again and it said i was an ISFJ. hmmm. i got on the phone with hillary for a bit and then ended up sleeping right after. zzzz.
28: lol at this day... kevin and i slept in a bit and then i recorded a video before heading out to my doctor’s appointment. my appointment was super short because she saw my foot and ordered an x-ray for both my feet (just in case). then kevin picked me up and when we got back, i spent a good amount of time just finding imaging and radiology places to get my x-ray. the list using mycigna was crap because more than 3/4 of them were closed or did not do x-rays -__- why the eff were they on the results page when i looked up “foot x-ray - 3 sides”?! omg. i ended up just googling and finding a place close by and calling cigna to double check if they are in my network, which they were! i got on stand up and then made us spring rolls with the tonkatsu kevin cooked during my hunt and stand up. kevin went to get his hair cut when i was on my stand up and brought back bubble tea :3 then we ate together, i recorded another video, and then called cigna to make sure this location was in-network as well (i found two close by and i chose the closer one that i didn’t call about previously) and then i called the facility to make an appointment.
the receptionist told me i had to have a pcp at the location so she sent me to the registry and i got my information put into the database and called again to make an appointment. note that i was put on hold every time i called to make an appointment. the lady (didn’t know it was the same one) asked me if i was registered and i said yes and then proceeded to ask me who my pcp was... i told her i don’t have one with them and that i have an x-ray order >_O” she told me i needed to choose a pcp in order to make an appointment and sent me back to registry...wtf. i told registry what was going on and the lady was so nice and tried figuring it out. the thing is, that it was almost 5 pm so they were all about to leave but she took my call anyway. she tried getting in touch with the receptionist but rq’d and told me that they’ve been hard to get in contact with anyway and asked if i wanted to talk to the other location and patched me through. omggggg, that receptionist though. anyway, the radiologist actually picked up and told me that i didn’t need an appointment and i just needed to come in and it’d only take like 10 minutes LOL. omg gg me. she was really nice so i didn’t mind but it took me 30 minutes just to not make an appointment...
i went straight to work after and managed to edit my videos and spot another one i could record tomorrow. i feel partially productive but still... ugh. kevin also wasn’t that productive either. hmm i’ve also been noticing a rise in my resting heart rate again so there’s that. -__-” ugh, i’m feeling really negative because i can’t do my regular exercise routine. i’m gonna find a way around it though! kevin chilled on the couch while i did some low-impact cardio with my sneakers inside the apartment. i think they helped but it feels so weird not being barefoot :( then i did oblique videos and i got super tired. after my workout, i did my pt stretches. kevin and i made spring rolls with the leftovers and then we relaxed for the rest of the night. i watched the latest episode of world of dance while kevin cleaned up. then i showered and put ice on my feet while watching youtube videos and etc before falling asleep.
29: i’ve been having weird action-packed dreams ahha. well, i got up and then kevin and i ate breakfast. kevin drove me over to the medical center to get my foot x-ray after. it’s located inside this nice shopping center / mall thingy in the middle of quincy! :O there is also a five guys, jimmy john’s, and barnes and noble in there. we found out that quincy college is right there as well. anyway, it was a breeze checking in and kevin joined me after he found parking. the x-ray was much like getting them at the dentist. the lady helping me was super nice and told me i should get my results by tomorrow. kevin drove me back, i went straight into the tech time call (wasn’t necessary). i did drop out at some point because of the audio. i worked after i dropped and kevin went to work at fitbit after that as well. i managed to record two videos and edit them before the day was over. then i chopped up some kale and garlic while watching the newest episode of masterchef and then i did a low-impact and leg workout. my feet are feeling better! they feel safer in gym shoes now when i work out. then i showered and kevin made fried rice and saucy pork belly with lotus root. we ate dinner while watching gordon ramsay videos.
then i went into the room and did some online shopping at american eagle. after debating on which tops to get, i checked out and found out that 3 of the tops i wanted were sold out T_T so i rq’d and blech. i spent my whole night doing that... then i did my pt stretches, iced my feet, and then stayed up reading stuff on snapchat news...ahaha. kevin got into bed while reading fanfic and i wanted him to just go to sleep so i tried distracting him and bothering him until he was tired but it didn’t work and i just ended up sleeping ahah...
30: ...we woke up to the sound of the fire alarms blaringgggggg everywhereeee -__-” so we went outside and i was half blind lol. today was the fire alarm drills in deco and we thought it would only affect a few floors, but nope! so we went back, tried to go back to sleep but then the alarms went off again so we went back down and then we went back again and i brushed up and everything so i didn’t go outside blind again. the alarm went off so we decided to get into the car and get breakfast or something except that kevin didn’t brush his teeth yet so he went back up after the alarms stopped and then we drove to the townshend where we found out that brunch is only on sundays... so we told the waiter we thought we could get breakfast here and he was super nice and understood. we left to go to craig’s cafe down the street. i got tea and the last order of eggs benedict ;D kevin got two breakfast sandwiches. mmm the food there was good and so cheap! our meal was only around $20 haha.
we drove back and all the drills were done so i went straight to work. i had a food coma so i did some internet errands before returning to do work. kevin went climbing and i got the work i wanted to get done, done. then i prepped food for dinner and exercised until kevin got back. i continued exercising while kevin realized that we didn’t have coconut milk to make the kale coconut fried rice so then we just ate leftovers from yesterday. i showered and then i plopped myself down on the sofa and played some bravely default... i’m trying to get all of the genomes i can for the vampire class before heading into the ending, which is superrrr long apparently -_-” haha. it was like 1 am when kevin joined me and he tried playing ff-x but switched over to hollow knight. omg, kevin started playing ff-x on steam and it is beautisss! i have so many memories <3 then we both got really tired and went to sleep at like 2:30 am.
july01: we woke up at like 11 am and stayed in bed until 12 pm. we ate breakfast and then drove to get tickets to see wonder woman and then we went shopping at the mall! we were planning on going to faneuil hall and shopping at uniqlo but kevin was lazy and just wanted to drive over to the mall. we went to j crew first and got nothing there. then we stopped by auntie anne’s to get pretzels <3 i was very disappointed in the garlic parmesan one because it was literally just all powder :( we got cinnamon sugar nuggets so that kind of made up for it. we stopped by gap where kevin got two pairs of pants and then we stopped by the food court to eat the pretzels. then we went to american eagle and aerie. i got kevin to try on these joggers he was looking at and he fell in love with them LOL. i tried finding the shirts that were sold out online but i couldn’t find them so i rq’d. i walked into aerie and told kevin he could wait outside if he was bored and didn’t want to follow me. i managed to find the sports bra i wanted and got it :) i got one sports bra without needing to pay for shipping / buy more stuff for free shipping -- yay! then we stopped by express on the way back and i did my best looking for things to buy but everything had the cross over lacing trend and/or drop shoulders and i’m not about that life right now. i tried on a pair of scalloped shorts and i fit a xs at express o_o’ i didn’t get them because the scallops were too big. kevin managed to find 3 tees and a collared shirt that he liked :O he had a good shopping trip.
we went to target after and got some cherries, noosa, and i got some insoles. then we drove back, kevin changed into his new clothes, cleaned out his t-shirt drawer, and i tried on my sports bra and chilled until we needed to leave for the movie. oh, we snacked on some mantou and chicken strips and stuff before heading to the movie. wonder woman was awesome -- it was so action-packed and i was never bored. kevin kept laughing at the awkward scenes LOL. whenever i watch a movie with kevin in theaters and he laughs, i realize that i am with one of those people who obnoxiously laugh at the movies. i’ve gotten used to it now and it’s actually endearing to hear someone laugh that hard in the movies. anyway, after that, we drove home, i snacked some more and then got in a 45 minute dance cardio workout. my feet are healinggg but i’m still avoiding hard jumps and stuff like that. i’m so happy <3333 i showered after and then remembered i had to do pt stretches and then ice my feet so i did that and then quickly got ready for bed and ko’d at like 1 or 2 am...zzz. oh, kevin got hungry before we went to bed so he made himself a breakfast sandwich and i asked if he could toast english muffins for me so i could put jam on it. he did that and put jam on it for me. lololol, he put a lot of jam on it so it became so sweet and i couldn’t take another bite after taking my first. lolololol. so that’s how kevin gets through jam so quickly...
july02: we got up at 11 am or 12 pm again. then we ate breakfast. kevin was still doing his morning thangs so i went into the bedroom and called to make a reservation at the envoy hotel for his birthday (: i got us a room and then i put our bedsheets into the washer and took some surveys until it was time to leave for our monthly massage. actually, i made us leave later than we were supposed to because the washer wasn’t done and i didn’t want to leave our sheets in there, but i looked it up and stuff doesn’t grow mildew until 24 hours later so we were good to go. we actually got there at 1:31 pm, which was on time :OO it felt soooo good. my masseuse, who is also the boss lady, worked on my back and shoulders today and it felt great. she cracked my back twice and my right foot (injured foot) and was worried she was breaking me but all was well! kevin and i were so relaxed and tired after that. we drove home and then kevin gamed until i asked him when we were going to go grocery shopping. i was super tired and had low energy. i just wanted to sleep. it was a struggle getting out of the apartment again.
we went to kam man and i tried looking for tiger balm but they didn’t have any. kevin got most of the groceries and we picked up ingredients to make che thai because kevin was craving it. then we went to bj’s and looked through two coupon books while picking up paper towels and juice. we drove back home and then i made che thai while he put away groceries. we put chia seeds in there and made it with coconut milk and then set them in the fridge. kevin and i cleaned the apartment right after that. i did a deep cleaning of the kitchen and the bathroom. oh, i also started washing our laundry. just as i finished cleaning, kevin started cooking. i managed to find the zodiac dog crystal for my mom’s birthday. i hope it gets here in time before we fly out to chicago on the weekend. nancy invited me, mindy, and hillary to help celebrate ryan’s birthday so i’m excited (: i hope hillary comes~ it’ll be fun. i started stressing about what to wear though. i’m pretty sure i’m going to stick to wearing my adidas because i don’t want to wear shoes that my feet aren’t comfy in. it was a pretty productive sunday. i still felt tired and grody though.
we ate dinner and then i folded the laundry and helped kevin wash some of the dishes. then we cleaned up and showered and i spent my night watching cutscenes from ff-x while doing my pt stretches and icing my feet. kevin came to the sofa to play hollow knight and i ktfo on his shoulder. i woke up and then brushed my teeth and made part of the bed while kevin brushed his teeth. then he put he covers on the blanket and we went to sleep at like 2 am. @_@; lolol my sleep schedule.
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Safely Home
“Safely Home”
In 1969, Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross proposed a model that suggests there are five stages of grief. The theory holds that the stages are a part of the framework that help one learn to live without what they’ve lost. They were never meant to be complete or chronological, nor applied to all persons; the way a person moves through the stages is as unique as they are.
This is my telling of the day my dad died and the grieving process through the eyes of my brother, sister, mother, uncle, and myself. In private interviews I and asked them to describe their innermost thoughts and feelings throughout the aftermath of the death of Norman Penny; their father, husband, brother and most importantly, friend.
As organically as possible, I have constructed a story by piecing together a snippet from each interview to correlate with specific stages of the grieving process.
I'm afraid, however, I will not tell you everything. Time has a way of erasing the details and smoothing over the rough edges. I assure you, you will know what you desire to know. You will be fed. I will be as honest and as accurate as I can be. I will tell you what I know to be true.
Although I am aware that putting two and two together is not a difficult task, some (if I felt it necessary) identifying details have been purposefully omitted (changing them is weird) to hopefully protect the privacy (and feelings?) of individuals and places involved. You’re welcome and I’m sorry.
The date was June 17th, 2006. A sunny Saturday exactly ten years ago today.
The local Rotary chapter of Burlington, CO was holding their annual pancake breakfast just after sunrise. My dad helped serve and brought along my little sister. She recalls, “As we were leaving, dad made sure I waved to his friends. He was always so nice to people. Dad would ask (quietly) what someone’s name was so he could be more personable and address them properly.”
I was up early for a swim meet and obviously hadn’t taken a razor to my face for a few days, so my dad (always clean shaven) suggested I do so. Oddly enough, I don’t even think I argued. Soon after, I headed next door to catch a ride with the Amundson family to the swim meet in Wray, CO.
After my events, I realized I had a missed phone call from home along with a voicemail. My dad had called to make sure I had gotten there safely, to see how I had done, and even asked if I needed a ride home (even though he knew I had gone with my neighbors). Soon enough, the meet had finally come to a close. I was hot, sunburned, and reeked of chlorine. Since we had been sitting in the van all day to avoid the sun, the car battery had died. Luckily, there was still a volunteer around cleaning up that had jumper cables.
By the time I got home, I was exhausted. However, seeing as it was still such a nice day out, I managed to find the energy to go on my own little adventure. I grabbed a bicycle from the back garage and was on my way leaving my shoes and Motorola TracFone behind. Just me and my curiosity.
I rode a few streets over and happened upon a familiar face. She was the ex-wife of my uncle Gary, my dad’s brother who he was was currently on a bike ride with. I stopped to say hello and compliment her recent yardwork. During our conversation, the all-too-familiar ambulance sirens went off. Of course, neither of us thought anything of it. You never do. Our chat quickly came to an end and I rode straight home, stopping for nothing. It was as if I was subconsciously destined to go home immediately.
I parked the bike back where I had found it and stepped through the back French doors into our dining room. The television was on, but nobody was home. Soon, Kathy Amundson, who had driven me to the swim meet earlier that morning, came over with a look of distress and confusion on her face. “What’s going on?” I asked. “Your father has been in a bicycle accident,” she stated. She offered to drive me to the hospital. I remember the exact dip in the road we plunged through as she assured me that everything would be okay. I wanted to believe her. In fact, I did. How could something possibly so tragic happen so quickly and unexpectedly? Especially to me.
Stage One: Denial
Gary Penny-brother to the late Norman Penny, present at time of death
“I remember while riding turning and saying, “That’s enough Norman.” He was pushing too hard. Exercised like a 25-year-old. Norm had taken a stress test weeks before that promised to be 70% accurate. We have a family history of heart problems. After he fell off his bike, I held Norm’s head in my lap and thought time had slowed down. It seemed to be taking forever for help to arrive.”
As we pulled into the parking lot of the Kit Carson Memorial Hospital, I jumped out of the car and ran up the stairs to the double doors. I remember frantically searching for the waiting room. When I found it, my brother, mom, and Grandma Dorothy (my dad’s mother) were sitting with their heads down. The tears immediately followed. I still didn’t have any idea what had happened.
I later learned that my mom and brother had been at home upon receiving a phone call from Gary saying they needed to get to the hospital. Norman had been in an accident and they were having a hard time getting his heart started. They immediately drove to the hospital while holding hands reassuring themselves that it was going to be okay. When they arrived, they were told to wait in the waiting room as the doctors continued their efforts to revive my dad. My sister showed up shortly after. She had been watching a softball game across town.
The doctor came out of the operating room where they had been trying to start my dad’s heart, knelt down, and grabbed my mom’s hands. Through deeply saddened eyes, he spoke clearly, “I’m sorry, there’s nothing else we can do...we’ve done everything we can.” Truth is, he was gone before he hit the ground. My family and I sought comfort in knowing he didn’t suffer.
A few steps away, tucked into a corner room was my father. As we walked in, I noticed many things. The shirt my dad had been wearing was cut down the middle in order to make operating easier, his glasses were scratched from the pavement, all of the machines were just being shut down, and a few of the medics were slowly making their way out as to leave us alone.
He looked so peaceful, so humble. It hurt to see my grandma. My mom recalls her stroking his hair. She had outlived her husband and just like that, her firstborn. You’re not supposed to outlive your children. I remember looking into his beautiful blue eyes, one of the many obvious things I had gotten from him. His hair was silver and his skin pale. We were reassured we’d be able to see him again, and left.
Time of death: 6:20p. Age: 54. Cause: Cardiorespiratory Arrest.
Stage Two: Anger
Christopher Penny [17]-Noman’s oldest son
“I wish he was around. I do. I wish he was there to guide me through life. To help deal with things I had to do on my own, though mom was here. I graduated college [at Colorado University] without dad. I imagine there would have been less...turbulence in life. It’s kind of like an anchor that’s gone, I guess.”
The drive home in my dad’s pick-up was the worst. When my mom and brother had left the house for the hospital, my mom had been baking peanut butter cookies and left the oven on. A thoughtful neighbor noticed and thankfully turned the oven off.
As you can imagine, we cried. Immediately countless people shoved their way into our home to show their support and sorrow. I didn’t mind the company, but it was almost an overwhelming feeling to see just how much people really did care. I remember, the preacher’s wife picked up a photo of him from a bookshelf and said to me, “No, it’s wrong. He wasn’t supposed to go.”
That night, my mom, brother, sister, and I cried ourselves to sleep in my mom’s bed. I can still remember how painful my face felt as I sobbed myself into unconsciousness. We would wake up the next day, Sunday, June 18th, 2006: Father’s Day. We were together, but very much alone.
Stage Three: Bargaining
Susanne Penny-Norman’s wife, three days short of their 20th wedding anniversary
“I would give anything to...I think about this a lot...have had him at home four more years. All that you kids accomplished in high school that Grandma Dorothy and I were so proud of. Your Eagle Scout, Christopher’s State Wrestling Championship, Danielle’s graduation from middle school. Just to get you three through high school. You were so young to not have a dad. I’m 58 and both of my parents are still alive. A local confided in me after Norm’s passing. He confessed that he drank like a fish, smoked like a haystack, and took multiple medications every night and here Norm was, healthy as can be. Icon of healthiness. An upstanding citizen in community.
I would give any amount of money in a heartbeat to have had Norm for four more years.”
The morning of the funeral my mom told us kids to write a note that we would place in a compartment located in the casket. Sewn onto the upper lining of the top half was the phrase, “May the work I’ve done speak for me”. Such a simple task felt immensely overwhelming. There was so much left unsaid. So many questions unanswered. I finally decided to just tell him that I loved and missed him very much and that anything else I was thinking and wanting to tell him, he already knew because those are just the kind of powers he had now.
The funeral was phenomenal. It was a gorgeous day. Over 800 people packed the United Methodist Church in Burlington, CO on 13th street. So full, in fact, that there were chairs and televisions set up in the basement and educational building streaming the service. You were lucky to be standing.
Stage Four: Depression
Danielle Penny [13]-Norman’s youngest daughter
“What makes me sad a lot is the void that is now here. If dad were here, our lives would be different. Relationships would be different. Mom would be different because she'd have him. I tried being more of a strong person than a sorrowful person. Suffering and living a sorrowful life wasn't pushed at the time. It was more living through and being strong. Family helped us through that time and didn’t allow much room for sorrow. When you're 13...the mindset of a 13 year old...well, if it were to happen to me now, it would have been different. I’m a totally different person now than I was at 13.”
The service was difficult, but comforting. The preacher knew my father well which was reassuring. Ironically enough, the first funeral he performed when he moved to our town was for Gene Penny (my grandfather) and the last was my dad. We closed the ceremony with one of my dad’s favorite hymns, “On Eagle’s Wings”. I remember being angry that the wrong page number was announced, but it seemed everyone knew the words by heart.
I wore a pinstriped suit that had belonged to my dad. It was the same suit my dad had seen me wear to my first prom, a few weeks prior, freshman year. (The Burlington Class of 2009 would experience the loss of a parent each year of high school. I was the second.) If I remember correctly, it was also the suit he wore in his and my mom’s engagement photo. I chose the outfit specifically because I distinctly remember him telling me that I looked sharp and knew he’d approve.
We were the first to leave the church and were transported to Fairview Cemetery a few blocks away. Policemen escorted the hearse and firefighters closed streets and directed traffic. That’s something you don’t see every day. I get the shivers when I think of just how much the people in my community respected my father.
Stage Five: Acceptance
Brandon Penny [15]-Norman’s second child
As I was researching material for this piece, I dug up my dad’s Creative Writing journal from his senior year of high school in 1970. Written in perfect cursive: "When it comes time to die, whether it be natural or otherwise, one should feel good to know that he has lived life to the best of his ability without feeling any shame."
During my interviews, I realized that everyone had different (or no) thoughts on stages 1-4, but everyone unknowingly agreed on the final stage: acceptance.
You can’t change things.
You can’t bring people back.
You can’t be sad forever about what you don’t have anymore.
Time doesn’t stop.
There’s nothing you can do about it and that’s okay.
Life goes on and doesn’t wait for you.
You can��t lay in bed. You have to get up and get dressed.
You’ve got kids to raise, you’ve got work to do.
You must be grateful for what you have.
Throughout the years, I feel like acceptance just kind of came. It happened on its own. It would have been more difficult to accept had I fought the truth, the reality. Grandma Dorothy became our rock. She stepped into dad’s shoes in supporting us. Our immediate and extended family grew closer.
He lives on in us. I once had someone tell me that they wish they could have met my dad. I smiled and said,
“You already have.”
#grief#loss#death#family#history#father#colorado#burlingtoncolorado#tribute#Elisabeth Kübler-Ross#husband#brother#friend#denial#anger#bargaining#depression#acceptance#interviews#funeral#cardiorespiratory arrest
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One Model’s Road to Recovering from an Eating Disorder
"DIETING" SINCE CHILDHOOD, HER EATING HABITS SPUN OUT OF CONTROL UNTIL SHE GOT HELP AND FACED HER ISSUES HEAD-ON.
By Esmeralda Seay-Reynolds
[ http://www.toneandstyle.com/one-models-road-to-recovering-from-an-eating-disorder/ ]
I began modeling when I was sixteen years old. I was tall and blonde with pale skin, big eyes, and even bigger ambitions. I was going to become a supermodel and drink tea with Grace Coddington, paint watercolors with Karl Lagerfeld, and rub shoulders with Sofia Coppola. It was a big plan for a young girl from rural Pennsylvania, but I was smart, hardworking, and loved the industry. In the end, I didn’t land so far from my dream. I was a rising model, traveling the world and making serious connections, but inside, I was falling apart.
Almost a year ago I entered Evergreen Eating Recovery Center in Denver, Colorado, considered by many as the premier facility for eating disorders in the United States. It was a locked facility of grey and green walls, and much of my time there I was filled with resentment. But never in my anger, did I blame fashion for what I’d done to my own body. Modeling wasn’t what made me sick; conversely, it’s what saved me.
My whole life, I was raised to believe perfection was not an idea, but an achievable goal. My mother—a strong willed woman whom I love dearly, but who had exacting standards when it came to my appearance—had my hair dyed starting in second grade and chose what I wore every day. She also, with my father’s support, put me on “diets” starting at seven. Given this, it’s not much of a surprise I developed an eating disorder, but what is surprising is how long it took people to notice.
I was 15 when my problems truly began. I was already fairly thin, and it’s hard to say exactly what triggered it, aside from the obvious desire for recognition from my otherwise oblivious parents. It started with salads and what I perceived to be a normal amount of calorie restriction for a girl who wanted to lose a few pounds, but within a month, I was eating nothing for days and purging what little I did eat. I recall once crying over eating a mushroom, then running upstairs, blasting my bathroom radio, and climbing into the shower with my clothes on so I could vomit without being heard.
My diet had stopped being a diet. I kept cutting out foods and purging because I got a rush from it. With every new bone that appeared in the mirror, I got a kind of euphoric high—a feeling of pride and accomplishment that even being a straight A student didn’t give me. I began leaving classes to look for ribs and bones in the bathroom mirror, and when I was in class, I would find myself stroking my collarbones and wrapping my hand around my upper arms (always my least favorite part of my body). If my index finger and thumb couldn’t meet, I’d fly into a panicked fury. It was an addiction, not just to“thinness,” but to the feeling of control it gave me, the sense of power and achievement that came with knowing I could control the way my body looked, when everything else was in chaos. The problem was, I wasn’t in control at all. My sickness was.
A year later, my eating disorder had become a way of life, and it could easily have continued that way, but then something big happened: I got signed. It was Monday, June 10th of 2013, when I walked into a modeling agency’s open call and was offered a contract. I was 16, and by that September I was traveling the world, deemed a “top newcomer” and “one to watch.” I was working with the best in the business, with more money at my fingertips than I knew what to do with, and it seemed as if all my fashion dreams were coming true. But all the glamorous parts of my job that I should have been enjoying, I couldn’t.
I remember being in Paris, staring out my bedroom window at the bright lights of the Eiffel tower and the dark mysterious winding streets lined by ornate houses and cottages, too tired and too cold to dare to wander outside. I remember photographers stopping me in the streets after fashion shows and the little girls clamoring in wonder at “the model” before them, but being too distracted by my own disordered thoughts to even remember to smile. I was hungry, exhausted, and my brain clicked so slow it was hard to even talk at a normal pace. Everything around me seemed to fade into a grey of depression and anxiety.
Then, just after I turned 17 and had been modeling for a little over a year, my bookers told me they were “concerned.” About what? I thought to myself, though deep down I knew exactly what they’d meant. They told me that clients (designers, casting directors, etc.) had called asking if I needed help. I was, apparently, way too thin. I remember feeling embarrassed, humiliated, and completely furious. I couldn’t see what everyone else saw when they looked at me. Where they saw illness, I saw control and self-discipline.
A few days later, after my agents had sat me down, I had a seizure. I was in a doctor’s office because I’d cut my finger, and then, suddenly, everything went black. All I could think was that I was going to die without ever having been kissed. When I woke up I was on the floor, a disarray of knocked over papers and bins all around me, my body pinned down by my doctor, his eyes filled with a mix of concern and terror. My organs were going into failure.
My parents yelled at me to eat, offering options of food, under the delusion that I’d “accidentally” gotten so thin. My mother screamed at me and told me how “ugly” and “disgusting” I looked. Never once did she or my father ask if I was ok. They couldn’t fathom that I’d done this to myself on purpose, or that their little girl had something “wrong” with her. Only my bookers understood the complexity of my situation. They told me what I needed to hear: that they cared about me and that they just wanted me to be healthy. They were kind and supportive, but most importantly they got me exactly what I needed, or more precisely “who” I needed. Her name was Heather Marr.
Heather may be one of the top trainers in the U.S., but to me, she’s the woman who saved my life. Heather listened to me and didn’t make me feel ashamed or embarrassed for my messed up eating habits or thoughts. She taught me how to eat and exercise, that protein wasn’t going to make me fat and that I didn’t need to exercise for hours to stay lean. She changed my body, but she also changed the way I viewed it. Instead of bones I started looking for abs, and instead of trying to encircle my arms, I felt for their strength. My body was strong and capable, and my brain was speeding faster than a Ferrari. It made me feel powerful, important, and beautiful.
My organs completely recovered within a month and I went on to have the best runway season of my career. In the Fall/ Winter 2015 shows, I walked for Marc Jacobs, Giles, Fendi, Saint Laurent, Dolce and Gabbana, Gucci, Vionnet, and various others whom I was also offered campaigns with. Every day I made the choice to get up and eat, despite the voice in my head telling me not to. My ED (eating disorder) would say don’t eat, you can be in control, just put down the plate, you don’t deserve to eat today, you don’t matter anyway, nobody really sees you anyway, why not disappear? but this time, I knew not to listen to them. I knew that I had people around me who were watching out for me, whom I could depend on, whom I did matter to, and who did see me. It was hard, some days so hard I’d break down and scream into a pillow, but I did eat, everyday.
I stayed strong throughout the rest of my modeling career, and after I switched out of the field last year to my agency’s acting and artist boards, I went—with their support—to Evergreen to finally tackle some of the deeper issues related to my eating disorder. In the insanity of being in a locked building for four months where you have supervised pee times and daily vitals taken, I had the hardest and best experience of my life, because not only was it recovery, it was discovery.
I discovered the truth about my disorder and about myself. And that was this: My disease had become a part of me, but it wasn’t as the friend I thought it was. It was a safety blanket. Unlike jobs, unlike affection, I could rely on my not eating to make me thin. It always came through for me. But my anorexia was an addiction, and the safety blanket it provided was killing me. So what kind of safety was that?
Now, almost a year later, I have an apartment in the West Village, a new kitten and a pint of Chocolate Mint gelato in my freezer. I’ve been out of treatment for nearly eight months, and being healthy is still difficult at times, but I refuse to relapse. I eat three meals and snacks a day, meet with a nutritionist and a therapist once a week, take long walks by the Hudson, and occasionally grab a cupcake from Magnolia’s Bakery while I stroll through Bloomingdales and giggle at the ad campaigns of my model friends.
I no longer see my body as an art project, but rather the portfolio holding the art. Now when I put on my sneakers or put down a fork it’s because my body is telling me to, not a voice in my head. As for my appearance, I try not to look in mirrors too often, or even photos of myself (which as a former model, can be rather hard to avoid), but when I do, I remind myself that my body is something that needs to be taken care of so I can achieve the things I really want in life, not the thing to be achieved. And also, that the way my body is, is beautiful, because it’s the way it was meant to be, and that’s all that matters. I am 19 years old, and am currently working on getting two books published. One is a novel with artwork and the other is an art and poetry book; both were written during my stay in treatment. I’m pursuing acting with a fire-like passion and working on a script for a movie. I’m aiming for the stars, for the whole freaking universe, and maybe that’s a lot, but I’ve fought for this life, and I’m going to sure as hell going to make the most of it.
(Author’s note: If you’re out there reading this, and you recognize yourself in this story, even a small part, know you’re not alone, you are not insane, and just because people may not see you, or the pain you’re in, that does not mean you are not worth seeing or the pain you are in is not real. You matter and you can get better.)
#eating disoder recovery#esmeralda seay reynolds#esmeralda seay-reynolds#model#female model#I'm so proud of her#so happy#this is so important#eating disorder
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This coming Saturday, May 2nd, will mark 2 years of having horses on the property.
I began working and cleaning stalls to ride when I was ten. Through middle and high school I was a “come and go” equestrian. I was a devoted barn rat until drama of some kind ensued during which I vanished. Horses being a forever love of mine, however, would never be out of my world for long.
I worked to ride through college.
After college, I helped out a friend for a couple years.
Horses fell to the wayside while I pursued my career and explored other hobbies. I ran my first 5k and fell in love with obstacle course races. I got into and even started teaching kickboxing…it’s how Zac and I met (He was an instructor). It was during a women’s self-defense course that I was assistant teaching that led me to find Blade.
I was a horse owner. Finally. Twenty-six years and I was a horse owner. A dream.
I also dreamt of owning a property with my horse onsite. Boarding was amazing and I learned many things about being a good, responsible owner. Zac and I saved up and in a few years we moved into the house we call home today.
September 2017
April 2018
May/June 2018
September 2019
Another dream of mine. Having horses right at home. There was (and always is) a lot to learn while planning our horse property. There was no fencing. No pastures. No barn. We did that.
I did research. We busted our butts. And on May 2nd, 2018 Blade came home with Happy.
I subscribe to the philosophy that horses are herd animals and NEED social interaction with other horses. At the time affording two horses was out of the question. I spent most of my savings on setting the property up and already work 12-hour overnight shits to earn more money.
That being said I do everything I can to provide my animals with a happy enriching life.
Something I find absolutely astounding is that in only TWO years there have been SEVEN horses on this property. To celebrate two years I want to celebrate the horses that have called this place home.
WARRIORS BLADE: AKA “BLADE”
An obvious choice to begin our celebrations. Blade was and always will be my heart horse. When he came home he was a 10-year-old off-track thoroughbred. We did all of this for HIM. I sacrificed novelty and restful sleep to make sure I was doing right by Blade. In the two years I had him home we developed a closer bond than ever before. I had him trotting at liberty circles around me in my backyard with no fencing.
Blade was always happy to see me even when he played the “you can’t catch me game.” We enjoyed bareback rides, grazing the backyard, and simply hanging out together.
PARAMOUNT’s HAPPY APPLAUSE: AKA “HAPPY”
Happy, a then 24 (I think) year old morgan mare just coming back from a suspensory tear. Happy had spent fall on stall rest and during the winter I had begun helping my trainer begin hand walking which turned into 5 minutes walking bareback, 10 minute walking bareback, 15 minutes, then 20 minutes. Then we added trotting the straights and soon after cantered the straights (Thank God she’s smooth and bareback riding was easy on her). By May she was mostly recovered but still not ready to return to the lesson program.
As a way to help my trainer and also myself, I offered to have her at our home to keep Blade company while giving her more time off and exercise.
Happy thrived on the 24/7 turnout and the hill strengthened her throughout the summer.
By the end of summer my trainer missed Happy and wanted to bring her back into the lesson program for the flat riders. It was a lovely summer having her as part of our family.
VIA VIA: AKA “LITTLE MAN”
I was given a month’s notice that Happy was going to be returning to the lesson barn. I had a month to figure out how to give Blade a companion without putting myself in a financial hole.
I reached out to several rescues and eventually, my neighbor put me into contact with the rescue that saved Vai Via’s life from Moore’s kill pen in Pennsylvania.
Vai Via was a 20-year-old thoroughbred who found himself close o being shipped to slaughter in early 2018. He was saved, quarantined, and spent time at a farm in Maryland.
When he arrived he was a nervous soul but very kind. He had a smaller refined body that was solid and well built. He loved to run and play…you couldn’t tell him he was in his twenties.
We were his home for a year and in that time I had the joy of learning who he was and earning his trust. He was a bit nervous under saddle but on the ground, he’d do anything. We did obstacle courses together and he even allowed me to try archery with him.
Due to the contentious ending between myself and the rescue I was cut off from contact and I am not sure as to what he is up to now. Not knowing that he is safe and happy is the most difficult part of the whole ordeal; as for the people, there is no love lost.
ZENO BAY: AKA “OLD MAN”
Zeno Bay came home with Vai Via as a package deal. The two were inseparable best buds. Zeno Bay was also a 20-year old thoroughbred. They were rescued from Moore’s a week apart and spent their quarantine together. Zeno Bay also lived with Vai Via in Maryland all summer until they were returned to NY to live with us.
Zeno Bay did not arrive looking as good as he did in photos. In fact he looked better in the killpen. While on the farm in Maryland he developed a quarter crack that extended to the coronet band and lost a lot of weight.
In only three months Zeno Bay was back on a healthy road. He had more minor and easily remedied health issues. Due to a large belly and ribby look, we opted to administer a Panacur PowerPac to address any worms. During a wet week he stood in the run-in shed all day and stocked up…hand-walking and cold hosing took care of it. I noticed he became aggressively itchy and upon investigation found he had lice (not transferrable between species but still gross). I treated all three horses preventatively (and again two weeks later) and washed their blankets well. During a frigid week in January, I came out to find Zeno had a swollen sheath (after talking to a few farms it seemed they all had similar issues with at least one or two of their geldings). Since it seemed to me like edema (and with a phone call with the vet) I hand walked and exercised him daily and the swelling went away.
Aside from these minor issues, Zeno Bay was the most personable horse I have ever met. He got along well with the other boys but was happy to leave the herd and wanted to be with you and in your pocket. I could do anything with this horse and as long as we were together he was happy.
One day while bareback riding I walked him over to our flagpost to fix the flag…the pole had retracted. In trying to extend the pole back to normal height it instead came off in my hands. I used this as an opportunity to train, but Zeno Bay was completely unphased by the waving flag.
Again, since things ended poorly with the rescue I have no contact with Zeno Bay any longer and it breaks my heart. As far as I know, he has a very loving home and is enjoying his life. If that home ever found me and reached out I’d be happy to send him my love and a bag of his favorite treats.
R TOMCAT: AKA “TIGER”
As things heated up with the rescue and stipend payments became later and later I knew the time was approaching to say goodbye to my sweet old boys. I began my search for my second horse. I made the decision to get a second horse to eliminate the drama of having anyone else’s on the property (I do not offer board). I wanted a horse that was more sound than Blade the I could take to hunter paces and that I could jump.
A twist of fate connected me with R Tom Cat, a then 6-year old thoroughbred gelding. His family was looking to place him in a good home. He had raced a couple times and didn’t do well, so he was re-trained and brought to Kentucky for the Retired Racehorse Project. He showed promise in the eventing world and his sire, Dance With Ravens, is among the desired sires for the sport.
Tiger came home in September just before Zeno Bay and Vai Via went back to the rescue. He and Blade had about a week to establish a bond and get to know each other. Tiger was smitten with Blade instantly.
Life with Tiger wasn’t easy at first. I had flipped his world upside-down. From a cushy stall life to 24/7 turnout. From arena riding to the backyard hacks. He took to pacing the fence and it drove me nuts.
Over time, however, Tiger has become accustomed to and satisfied with his new life. He happily eats his hay, lays in the field, or in his bedded run-in shed. He always comes to greet me and enjoyed being loved on. He especially loves his face rubs. He also still loves to work. Recently we have been given permission to ide the neighbor’s cornfield and that’s his favorite since we have the room to gallop and stretch out.
NAHE
When Blade passed on suddenly in December a friend of mine reached out to me to offer Nahe on a free lease with the option to buy. Nahe is a large paint (16.1/16.2hh?) gelding she acquired while she led trail rides in Hawaii. That’s right. Nahe has come 5000 miles. He’s been in New York for about five years now and grows a perfectly well-adapted winter coat. He has a giant head and we THINK he’s about 15/16 years old.
Nahe and Tiger became best friends within 5 minutes. They eat side by side and lay next to each other for their afternoon naptime.
Nahe is another in-your-pocket type and loves to visit with people. He’s laid back in true Hawaiian fashion. He makes his time getting around but on the trail is happy to kick it into a higher gear. Like Tiger, I trust this horse and have many times ridden him in the cornfield bareback with a halter.
He also takes wonderful care of my neighbor who also enjoys spending time with him and giving him extra grooming sessions. Right now he especially loves it because he is shedding white hairs everywhere!
SADIE
Sadie is our most recent and temporary resident but she is still part of the family regardless.
Sadie belongs to my trainer…another morgan mare. She is the largest morgan I have ever met standing at 16/16.1 hands. She has a thick cresty neck and her ribs are quite squishy but her whole presence is simply stunning. Watching her move brings a sense of royalty.
Sadie went immediately into intense work. I round penned her daily. I also added in lunging on a line. After that, I added in trot poles. Sadie is a high energy girl and I have to be in the right frame of mind to help her find a sense of calmness and ease. She carries a lot of tension so working with her requires me to be calm, quiet, and patient. She thrives on praise and LOVES to hear she’s a good girl. Sadie also loves to cuddle. Being groomed and having her face rubbed is her favorite.
In only a few weeks she seems at ease but I am still working on getting on her. To be honest I am quite nervous and I’m making it slow. So far I have saddled and ridden her for I’ve minutes in a bitless bridle at a walk. When she starts to get fussy I look for something she knows and does well, parties her, and get off. I plan to build from there if the rain will ever let up.
SEVEN HORSES in only two years. Our property has seen a lot but we’ve done a lot of good. All seven of these horses have thrived here and all enjoy people. They enjoy being around people and they have had a good life here. I am always working to improve our home and quality of care but I am satisfied with what we have done so far.
Horses of The Green Horseman Family This coming Saturday, May 2nd, will mark 2 years of having horses on the property. I began working and cleaning stalls to ride when I was ten.
#Blade#Happy#Horse#horselover#Horses#Morgan#Nahe#Paint#RTomCat#Sadie#Thoroughbred#Tiger#VaiVia#WarriorsBlade#ZenoBay
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This photo was taken 2 months before I found my first patch
This photo was taken last week.
What is Alopecia…
Alopecia is a general term for hair loss. Alopecia areata is a specific, common cause of hair loss that can occur at any age. It usually causes small, coin-sized, round patches of baldness on the scalp, although hair elsewhere such as the beard, eyebrows, eyelashes, body and limbs can be affected. Occasionally it can involve the whole scalp (alopecia totalis) or even the entire body and scalp (alopecia universalis). It is not possible to predict how much hair will be lost. Regrowth of hair in typical alopecia areata is usual over a period of months or sometimes years, but cannot be guaranteed. The hair sometimes regrows white, at least in the first instance. Further hair loss is not uncommon. In alopecia totalis and alopecia universalis, the likelihood of total regrowth is less.
I read this paragraph on the 3rd April 2017 whilst sitting in my car. I had just been to see my lovely friend Lauren for a hair cut. Something I used to look forward to! This day was the day I found my first bald patch. As small as a 50p piece.
Hair is a funny thing. My friends used to joke that I was “Becky with the good hair”, for me my hair was a part of my identity. I had a certain style because of it. To have this taken away can be soul destroying.
Help…
I took myself to the doctors, not because I thought they would have a solution but because it’s the only thing I could think to do. The doctor was kind enough to let me know what the cause of Alopecia Areata was. For those that don’t know:
Hair is lost because it is affected by inflammation. The cause of this inflammation is unknown but it is thought that the immune system, the natural defence which normally protects the body from infections and other diseases, may attack the growing hair. Why this might happen is not fully understood, nor is it known why only localised areas are affected and why the hair usually regrows again.
I was given a steroid cream to apply to the patches each night. (I learned later this was a ‘bog standard’, ‘go to’ solution most doctors initially prescribe)
This not only ruined my bed linen but it also made my hair really greasy, when you’re losing your hair this is the last thing you need. I couldn’t carry on with it so I took the decision to come off it after a week – to be honest I didn’t like the thought of using a steroid based product.
I soon realised I needed to do some serious research
Lots of people had advised me to go and see a Trichologist. So I booked a consultation with a lady in Cheltenham, it was just under £200 for an hours session.
It was an expensive consultation, but at the time there wasn’t a price I wouldn’t pay if I thought it was going to help me.
Unfortunately I came away feeling deflated and disappointed. The lady was lovely, however I wasn’t advised of any alternatives other than her products for hair loss….
I felt the approach could have been more sensitive, at that time I didn’t fully understand or realise the potential level of hair loss. This may not be the case for everyone as I know some find such comfort in seeing their Trichologist, it just wasn’t an avenue for me.
This is when I really started to look at a more holistic approach
I looked at my life and well-being, I made a list of all the things I could change and I began ticking them off.
Stressful Job
Living with family
Diet
Exercise
Hair care
I now work on a beautiful Organic farm, I moved in with my boyfriend, I changed my diet to include non-inflammatory products and I found this amazing blog from a lady called Angie (Greenbananagirl). Angie talks through the do’s and don’ts of a non-inflammatory diet and as she too suffered from Alopecia Areata it became a must read! I even began to exercise (this was the hardest challenge, I have a major dislike of the gym!)
Lastly I limited washing my hair to once a week, towel dried with minimal brushing, used Aveda regrowth products and I took florisene tablets everyday.
The second patch was found on the 6th June
Why me…
During the early stages I often asked this question.
I would get in from work most evenings and before Mark got home I would sit there and sob.
I am the type of person who will openely say that I am upset. I will quite happily talk about a problem but I don’t often cry in front of anyone, I guess that’s just my way of coping.
I either make a joke or I shrug it off in an effort to prevent people feeling uncomfortable. One of my coping mechanisms is to address the situation before anyone else does. I used to crowbar my hairloss in wherever I could. To many, this looks as though I am absolutely fine about it, attention seeking even.
For me its a chance to have some sort of control over what is happening to me and to also make sure I am not caught offguard if someone points it out.
The worst memory I have was when I was at work, it was pretty windy outside (something I always feared!) and I was walking back to my office. There was a lady walking towards me with her dog and as we both met a gust of wind blew my hair away from my face. The lady gasped and put her hand to her mouth. I simply replied ‘I have Alopecia’. It was an honest reaction from a total stranger (who I think thought I had a wig on that was about to blow off!)
This effected me. So much so I would never wear my hair up, not even at home with Mark. I was so self conscious. At the back of my mind I honestly thought Mark would leave me if he had to see the extent of my bald patches. Obviously Mark isn’t with me just for my looks. Hairloss can send you a little stur crazy and at the beginning I did feel a little on edge.
The hardest thing to cope with for me was the not knowing.
How bad this was this going to get?
How much would fall out?
Why was this happening?!!
Worst of all……would it ever grow back!
This is a progression photo from April to June 2017
For the 2nd patch I found this was the progression from 7th June – 1st July 2017
Acceptance…
For me this was the hardest part, I remember being angry at myself for not being able to accept what was happening.
I told my mum that I was embarrassed.
My mum has had cancer twice and both times her hair fell out – why couldn’t I accept my hair loss when my life wasn’t at risk?
My mum is my rock and she just simply said “The difference is, I knew it would eventually grow back when I had stopped having the treatment. You’re suffering because you have no control and you just don’t know what’s causing it”.
The turning point for me was just another ordinary day.
I was looking at myself in the mirror obsessing over the patches and the amount of hair on my brush.
Mark must have walked in and I hadn’t noticed.
All I remember is him wrapping his arms around me and giving me a big squeeze.
He probably doesn’t even remember it but in that moment I felt happy and safe – that moment put everything into perspective.
Yes my hair is falling out, Yes I feel as though my femininity has been robbed but at the end of the day I am in good health, I have great friends and family, a great job and a pretty remarkable boyfriend!
You can either let something like this define you or you can use it to become your strength.
Alopecia and I
I truly believe that your mental health, above all else, is your most important asset when dealing with a difficult time in your life.
This was the area I focused on the most. The farm that I work at has given me access to a world I desperately needed. I have now taken yoga classes, practised meditation, had endless massages and really focused on this “self love” so many people are talking about. I couldn’t recommend it enough!
Above everything else I have joined a dance school, something I never thought I would do in a million years! I have always loved to dance and truly believe a hobby is the key to a healthy, happier lifestyle. This particular school has not only introduced me to some pretty special people but has also given me so much confidence.
Bandanas and hats
Became my bestfriend!
So here I am! If someone had said to me a year ago when I found the first bald patch that I would be the happiest I have ever been I would have laughed in their face. Everything really does happen for a reason. Alopecia Areata gave me a kick up the bum and forced me to re-evaluate my life. It allowed me to make changes for the better!
I still have patches, patches I have learned to accept as being apart of who I am. Will they ever go away…Maybe! Will they ever come back…Probably! Will it change the way I feel…Definitely not!
This is me now! 🙂
The regrowth over a year
Happy Me!
UPCOMING POST: Same time next week “Our Trip to Budapest” Dreaming of colder months I look back on our time in this wonderful city!
Alopecia and I What is Alopecia... Alopecia is a general term for hair loss. Alopecia areata is a specific, common cause of hair loss that can occur at any age.
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