#in like..... idk how many years honestly

[varilien]

welp that's a wrap for this year ig. it's funny i think this year would have been another oops all trigun except that whenever i got really super busy FAR too busy to make trigun art i did usually end up doodling something else lmao

december's spot is @stardvst-diving's lysithea :)

#art summary #2023 summary of art #2023 art summary #txt #honestly. i think this is the first year in a long time where i really don't feel that happy with the progress i've made with my art #like in 2020 i finally got comfortable with drawing digitally after SO MANY YEARS of chipping away at it #and 2021 i finally pinned down some stylistic choices i enjoy working with and figured out how to color #and 2022 i mostly just pushed the limits of what ''finishing'' art even looks like for me #since in the past i'd tend to leave everything pretty half baked #2023 was SUPPOSED to be the year i started into things like comics and composition and increasing dynamism #but i think mostly i just ended up hammering out more stuff in regards to color and line confidence #which are both good. i'm glad i made that progress #but it's a little disappointing i didn't finish the year with the specific takeaways i'd gone into it wanting to have #sighhhhhh maybe next year idk

[napping-sapphic]

God i’m thinking about how easily and unknowingly strangers can grant you salvation like i found it in how my old classmate told me once that i was a kind person and it was the first time i’d ever believed it

in how a coworker once said that i always seem so happy and have a nice smile and i cried about it when i got home since i’d always been told i seem too serious or mean

in how someone once told me i was good at comforting them when i’d always thought i was bad at it

Just god they’re out there somewhere and i barely remember what they looked like and we’ll never cross paths again but they changed me so deeply, they’re out there but they’ll never know how often i revisit those memories and think of myself even just a little more kindly they’re out there and i don’t know them but they’re the most important people in the world to me somehow

#me?? having a Night™️?? more likely than you’d think #im missing the people i never really knew #and im stuck echoing their words to myself #it’s honestly so important to hear things from people who don’t have an agenda to hurt you #who didn’t form a perspective of you at 14 and never let it go #i dont know #it’s just insane how badly ive always felt about myself #how inherently true i thought it was that i was mean or cold or unlikeable #only to have so many people tell me differently the past few years #and i still feel so mean and cold and unlikeable so often because of the people close to me!! #and i probably will forever to some extent!! #and it’s such an awful feeling #but just knowing even one person saw me as kind or happy is such a balm to that pain #that even if every person i meet from here on out found me flawed #there was at least one that saw kindness and joy in me?? that’s healing #idk #idk im emotional and tired and just want to believe i can be a good person sometimes #and sometimes i feel like that one ‘you’re so nice’ i received three years ago is the only thing holding me together sometimes #god just ignore me

[smilepaint]

anyway the concept of passing is a scam. we will never be liberated until the idea that a trans person's inherent value and worth and validity is directly proportional to their resemblance to a cis person. and i say this not just to those who struggle to or do not fit into that box, but to those who very much do and are counting themselves lucky.

the same way that its unhealthy and unreasonable to expect a same gender couple to conform to notions of what a heterosexual family should be, its unhealthy and unreasonable to have to expect a transgender experience of identity and a transgender body to conform to a cisgender ideal. not only does it further the marginalisation of trans people and drive a wedge in our community, but it's an unhealthy way to see the world and relate to yourself. its not fair to expect a human being to go their whole life in states of checking the value of their body and their life against a societally imposed, often unattainable model that may not even reflect their own desires or goals.

it's tough, i know how tough it is to go against everything you've been taught, and the right to seek medical intervention to reshape ourselves in a way that deepens and solidifies our connection to our bodies is and will always be important. but for your own mental health, whatever shape you take must reflect yourself first. not a cis persons. transition is about making a home out of the body you're living in, in whatever way works for you.

you deserve the mental freedom that comes with removing "passing" from your emotional radar entirely. trans bodies are good bodies.

#text tag #transgender #nonbinary #transition #gender #this is kind of a loaded take so to tack on some things #i am a trans person who's struggled with severe dysphoria for many years and was obsessed with passing as cis for a long time #there was a long time in which i would've preferred to stop living over going the rest of my life with visible surgery scars #just think about that.. idk how fucked is it that teen me thought it would be better to literally die than have one clear tell that im trans #im so much happier post surgery scars and all and like yes i fucking hate them. but i know i shouldn't and im trying to heal #also im very aware that passing as cis is OFTEN a safety issue and thats not what im speaking to here #im talking about mental health and longterm societal change and the gradual betterment of gender diverse peoples #not just from a gender standpoint but honestly from a decolonial standpoint #from a te ao māori perspective there was never an ideal of passing as “cis” for trans or takatāpui individuals #anyway yea obsession with passing wears people down into self hating wrecks and im sick of seeing that happen to our youth #and to every trans person regardless of where they're at in their journey

[devilsskettle]

i feel like i’ve been WAITING for the other shoe to drop wrt people’s opinions about watcher for this very reason. not that i think the reaction is completely not understandable but the greater the parasocial relationship, the greater the fallout as soon as public opinion shifts. you don’t have a relationship with these people they’re just content creators, chill

#ready to see all the people coming out of the woodwork to say how they’ve never liked watcher/unsolved/etc #and act like it’s ‘cringe’ now that their fanbase feels ‘betrayed’ #it’s great to have a fanbase but parasocial relationships will bite you in the ass every single time #it’s interesting too though because i’ve seen watcher have a LOT of support as they’ve tried to build something separate from buzzfeed #so this is the first time they’re getting real pushback about a decision they’ve made wrt shifting their platform/expanding their brand #so ig we’ll have to see how they react moving forward #but it’s soooo interesting to see how enthusiastically people dump on buzzfeed #AND how many people dump on youtube and how over the years so much of its functionality has been stripped away #how many ads you have to sit through. how much sponsored content there is now. etc #but when they try to do the same thing with youtube that they did with buzzfeed it’s like how dare you not lick their boots #because if you lick their boots and we lick their boots we can watch stuff for free #anyway. #even if you don’t any to say it’s a bad business decision. it’s not like there’s not precedent for it #1) the move away from buzzfeed was successful and 2) what about the dnd shows or whatever #don’t you guys watch those dnd shows that are ‘behind a paywall’ #don’t you guys have netflix hulu disney hbo amazon etc ad nauseum that are actually owned by billion dollar corporations #don’t you guys get on your high horses about supporting independent artists all the time #it’s interesting that people will profess to be such big fans!!! and feel like they’re friends!!!! #but how dare they think their work might be worth paying for #idk. idk. it’s entitlement though #sorry for the rant i’m ALSO not trying to blindly defend a bunch of people i don’t know #but you guys are being soooo fucking annoying about it lol #anyway i’m still waiting to see what their response is going to be from here before jumping to conclusions #also to be fair i am biased to be lenient about decisions made by independent filmmakers vs big studios etc #like everybody freaking out about the ai art used in late night with the devil. who cares honestly #‘they should’ve paid a real artist!!’ idk maybe their budget didn’t cover that #i don’t want it to become the industry norm but at the end of the day i would rather see indie shit getting made then only seeing #the big studios (who don’t have equitable practices anyway!!) making shit #but that’s another conversation. just to be transparent about my viewpoint on this kind of thing #maybe controversial but also can’t we have nuance. for once.

[perexcri]

happy one year to her and one of my better opening lines for a fic <3

now, because i'm curious:

#to hell and back again #i genuinely can't believe it's a year but i guess that's how time works huh :') #anyway umm gonna leave some retrospective thoughts in the tags: #1. i hold this fic near to my heart but also have a very complicated relationship with it now- #mostly bc i feel like my writing has improved so much and it's hard for me to reread parts of this lol #2. i honestly feel like it's a product of its time? like i think if i was publishing it now people wouldn't like it nearly as much #(especially with the opening line wHICH HAS A POINT AND COMES FULL CIRCLE AT THE END OK JUST TRUST ME) #3. on a sadder note this also means it's been a year since we had to put my family's eldest dog down #i remember i was gonna post this first chapter later when i had finished another fic up #but then our dog just like. straight up started dying on my mom's bedroom floor #and my mom was too distressed/upset to take her to the vet so i had to put her in my car and take her on my own #and then had to go to work right after that #so yeah i was upset and was like 'well dammit im gonna post this then bc it's silly and makes me laugh and i am sad' #so yeah!! some thoughts and behind the scenes info for anyone who's bothered to read this many tags #idk these things just feel like Tags thoughts not Post thoughts #anyway thanks for all the love this one has gotten!! i'm glad people are still enjoying it though *will voice* it's been a year mike #byler

[trappper-johnathan]

Must we pit two bad bitches against each other?? [og post]

#im a trapper girlie myself and I have participated in anti BJ rhetoric HOWEVAH!! #im tired of seeing so many bj vs trapper posts in the main tag #character wars ?? in MY anti-war show???? #every time i see a post even insinuating that one of them is worse than the other i imagine them sucking each other off so ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠ #i feel like it's gotten worse recently but that could just be my imagination.. theres definitely a few blogs that keep vaguing at each othe #IN THE MAIN TAG #honestly this was more of a vent post than anything so im not tagging it but you can do what you want with it dear reader <33 #ive lost the fighting spirit in my old age (<- guy who's only one year older than when he first started watching the show) #prefer whichever character you want but must there still be arguments? idk man #for love and peace and that stupid gay 50 year old sitcom 🤞 #i do hope you all take me out back and shoot me tho. gay sex style you know how it is #ANYWAYS happy oliver sunday to the TRUE superior swamp rat 🫡🫡 #miss you every day babygirl id have loved to see what the show wouldve been like if theyd kept you 👊😔

[pansyfemme]

i wish i was better at making online friends there are so many ppl that i dont even see on here anymore i thought were sooo cool and then was just too nervous to strike up conversation until it all died down

#i also think about how over the years ive gotten easily over a dozen anons saying they thought i was hot or had a crush on me. #and i know they were anons but like. should i have done something abt that. was that a lost connection #many lost connections? #im just honestly. very very nervous #when i first started blogging i assumed much like ppl i’d seen online that my severe social anxiety wouldnt be as bad online. that isnt true #sometimes i can barely catch my breath when im dming someone #even my close friends know im not a great texter #its sad. i always want to but get too scared to #im not against any of it. friends or dating or anything its just im. perpetually nervous #for some reason posting and replying to posts and sending asks doesnt even feel scary but dming does #and theres also been the rare times that ive had ppl on here i was.. not not into #its rare for me to admit that at all but like idk even what to do with that

[nebulouscoffee]

... well it's that time of the year already. If anyone's got a Star Trek ask I'd love a distraction <3

#was really hoping the new year could be a reset ugh #but this last week Alone has been so tragic #this lovely man who used to be the watchman at my school died #he wasn't even that old #he's been around as long as I can remember... he used to remember all our names & chat with all our parents & grandparents & now he's gone #just out of the blue #& then this girl I literally played with as a kid just randomly got this massive brain bleed out of nowhere #she's YOUNG like she's only a handful of years older than me she's literally still in her 20s I think. she has a newborn baby #now she's in critical care and we don't even know if she'll make it. she's my mum's best friend's daughter we literally hung out #idk this is messing me up a bit... like #it's insane how anything can just happen it's insane how little time we have it's insane #cw death #(I don't have many followers but if anyone wants me to start tagging these vent posts anything else pls do say so lol) #(I honestly thought I'd made the last of them) #(but unfortunately people I know just! keep! dying! & I can't really complain like this anywhere else. sorry)

[bluesidedown]

.

#this just in: moving to another continent to live and work with complete strangers for six months #incredibly distant from every important person in your life and your supportive community #is in fact. incredibly difficult. #like idk it's hard to describe because it's also been amazingly cool and i'm so thankful i get to do this #and like i can see God's hand in so many things that have happened and are happening #and He's providing what i need in such amazing ways #but also i'm exhausted and really really homesick #and i miss my people #and i miss going to chapel at school #and honestly just attending church in a language i understand #and rn i'm dealing with a crisis at least every day about what i'm going to do with the rest of my life #and long distance dating is really hard and need i reiterate i am exhausted and when i get tired and sad i self isolate. which is unhelpful #and generally i'm in that weird state of being where i genuinely have no clue how to persevere and i feel deeply deeply out of my depth #and also God is just. so present. #tbh i'm terrified that the rest of my life is just going to be Like This #and i'm also terrified that the rest of my life is not going to be Like This #because the last 5ish years have been Like This to varying degrees and i've learned and grown so much and i've come to know God so much mor #but i'm so tired. #and i'm tired of getting up every day and dealing with things that are scary. #but i'm scared of a life where i don't because i'm most scared of stagnating #anyway wow congrats if you made it this far into my venting #on the bright side yesterday i experienced one of the weirder (in a good way) social situations i've ever been in #walked into my language learning partner's mother-in-law's house (who i'd never met before) at 10pm and was instantly given two plates #of beautiful homemade (culturally appropriate dumplings) and a cup of tea #and proceeded to stay for 40min listening to a conversation where i understood about 3 words out of every 50 #couldn't have experiences like that if i stayed in my comfort zone could i

[zellkabellk]

After a bit more than a year living in my current (small but rly nice) apartment I FINALLY seized a moment and took out all my posters and stuff to decorate the walls... I always forget just how much adding some shit on the walls helps the place feel a lot more personal kdmfsjhmfkj

#i honestly rly like this little appartment even if it's small... #i guess next year or the one after if I'm still in it I might ask the owner if I could... buy it from her ????? #there's 90% chance she'll say no bc but hey #always shoot your shot #i just wanna live in it a bit more to see how I settle in #but so far it's been nice !! #just a tad cold in the winter sometimes but I think it'd bc the windows arent “double glass” (idk how y'all say it in english) #anyways #if I ever get to own it I have so many plans already LMAO #beary life #beary talk #also the mouse currently squatting in somehow managed to get the baits on the traps without triggering them im screaming haha #little shit #i'll order tunnel traps next week #might work better than classic old traps #and tbh if i can not kill the creature and just go yeet her by the town's river to live with the million rats there #i'll do that

[swordmaid]

tav shri’iia is THE canon for me obvi but I also really like the idea of tav wren with yves still being part of the dead three as bhaal’s chosen. the thing with wren is that he was yves’ childhood friend who was pursuing his bard career and severely flopping. one night when he was supposed to escort yves home from the graveyard he chose to perform in some tavern instead, and that night is when the bhaalists came and killed her. for him, one of his closest friends just went missing the night he was supposed to look after her, and when she returns 2 weeks later all beaten up and bloody with no memory of herself ofc he felt guilty….! and he couldn’t even bear to look at her because it’s all his fault u know … if only he didn’t ditched her maybe this wouldn’t have happened so one night he just decides to leave bc he couldn’t take it anymore. it’s always been his dream to be a travelling bard anyway and maybe his career will pick up in some other city than baldur’s gate, so he leaves her and his home and sets out to salvage what he can of his career. and in the most part he was mildly successful. he also ends up making a pact with some fae and they help with his bard career too lol but the guilt of yves is still in his mind- he just got better at ignoring it.

SO. imagine his surprise when he gets tadpoled and goes to moonrise to find a cure and he sees his friend - the girl that’s been haunting his dreams and the source of his guilt and shame - a part of the evil cult that’s been enslaving people with parasites. and now he’s meant to kill her? but how could he when he’s the one who left her behind and maybe it’s his fault that she turned out like this … but anyway I love the idea of wren being like noooo that’s NOT yves she would never do that!! and they’re just like girl ur delusional ur friend is literally chopping people up forcing us to find the parts like some treasure hunt

#but durge era yves is so similar to glados to me where she is so mild about everything and instead of forcing you to test #she forces you to figure out the murder mysteries around the lower city and present ur case in the murder tribunal #like as she says. the only thing better than murder is getting away with it and what’s more fun than to watch someone figure out the puzzle #you set for them u kno 🤭🤭 #and her proposition to ally w her is that she wants u to figure out the whole absolute ploy and how it started and what role she plays #and the only way to get those answers is to break in gortash’s place which betrays his trust … so it’s like a fun whodunit for her..!! #also i think wren finds out what actually happens to her that night .. learning that his real friend died and got replaced with this other o #other one who’s essentially just wearing her skin … reconciling with the truth that if he was with her she would’ve lived … killing this #yves for his friend so she can have some peace finally .. etc etc. it’s really about ween #wren*s survivor’s guilt bc I like to imagine they had another friend who he left with to look after yves #and when he finally returned after how many years he learns that friend has been dead (bc yves killed him) and allegedly yves’ mental #health went downhill when their friend died so she had to be sent away #which in truth she just left for the bhaal temple lol #anyway just thinking abt this three.. def wanna do a wren playthrough one day ..!! #also their other friend’s name is pan (full name xaphan) and they’re a tiefling but idk abt their appearance yet #making them a tiefling so yves’ first kill post lobotomy links back to her og friends where - if #it’s alfira she’s a bard like wren and tiefling like pan … but honestly pan could be Dragonborn too if she ends up killing quill lol #shut up about bg3. #bg3

[lesbianaglaya]

revoking people’s right to talk about the tolstoy marriage until they write and turn in to me a ten page essay on complex relationships

#‘tolstoy STOLE from sophia’s diary’ almost certainly not true. #at least not in the usual vein - sophia was (and should be credited as!) at the very least his editor and collaborator #with w&p at times i want to say co author but i also dont think we should diminish the importance of editing #they worked as a team! and in the later years when thier relationship was increasingly frought they were BOTH reading each others diaries. #the problem is there is genuinely an avenue to talk about how tolstoy drew from real life in less than ethical ways #tanya bhers/natasha rostova for instance. THE KREUTZER SONATA! FOR INSTANCE! #but diminishing it down to oh he stole from her is. a disservice to both of them. #sophia confessed her love by writing a story that blatantly copied real life and lev’s personal insecurities confessed in confidence #and honestly that isnt even BAD like there is a reason they were happily married for 25 years! they’re work is similar they were a team! #we dint need to flatten it out to sophia-wife-victim lev-husband-abuser. #nor do we need to ignore the many ways sophia suffered! #it’s just theyve been reduced to a famous literary disaster marriage when they really… werent that. #gabby.txt #genuinely tanya as the inspiration for natasha is far more upsetting to me than giving his diary to sophia before the wedding. #idk. idk! its like on one hand im so fully on sophia's side and im so happy that her diaries and writing are being translated #and. not even on the other hand these ideas arent in opposition to each other. reducing her marriage to a flat picture of suffering is. bad #actually i think in many ways the problem is solved by looking at sophia as an author instead of a wife. #which like. she was very much both. but if we afford her the agency afforded to an author i think the conversation immediately gains nuance #and that also comes with the caveat of female authors being far less respected - look at nadezhda khvoshchinskaya - but still #anyway GOOOOD morning