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#in short: i lost my gotdamn mind
xxavengingangelxx · 6 months
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Long Way From Home 7/?
Ya'll know the drill. I assume this isn't ya'll's first rodeo when it comes to reading this but alas, because it's a dark fic, I will post triggers again. MDNI, 18+ TRIGGERS: Implied/attempted suicide, self-harm, torture, brainwashing, physical abuse, mind fuckery, Stockholm syndrome-related mental gymnastics, trauma bonding, mentions of foster care, threatened/implied/referenced rape, EXTREMELY dubious consent, flashbacks of torture, female being drugged. Self-hate in this one :( If I miss, any let me know, please! DARK FIC!
This fic is almost coming to an end...kind of. This will be the first part of the series. After MW3 comes out, I can start posting part 2. Now I've decided on an ending and just know I'm not a believer in happy, fluffy endings because that's just not real life. Read my other Graves/Reader fic As the; Rush Comes to see ;) @josieguts because they asked to be tagged :)
-
On top of not having laughed or smiled since Graves snatched you (2 months?) you didn’t speak unless spoken to. 9 times out of 10, you were silent. What happened to the talkative, bubbly you girl that would sometimes get on Ghost’s nerves? Oi, soldier, you never stop talking, do ya? He had said. Soap loved it because he finally had someone who matched his social energy. You’d both try to annoy Ghost until he finally said, Get lost, eh? The both ‘o yas. leaving you both to laugh. And despite his tough guy persona, you both knew Ghost would miss you both if anything happened or if your personalities changed.
But now if you said more than 10 words in a day it was a lot.
It was slow going when it came to getting back on Graves’s good side. He was still holding the night where you questioned him and argued that no, you hadn’t been dreaming when you’d heard him say you’d broke against you. You’d been right and you had heard him on that radio correctly but he hated it when anyone questioned him. Especially if they were right.
You were required to do a thing or two before fully getting back into Graves’s good graces.
There was one night when you were on your knees in front of him. He was trying to keep radio contact with some Shadows as they ran a basic, low-risk recon and he’d told you to blow him, challenging you that there was no way his men would hear him struggling to talk. If he lost the bet, you’d get that Samsung watch back.
How fucking wrong he’d been. You were under his desk, taking him into your mouth and throat. At times he’d grab your hair, hips stuttering into your lips. You were naked. He was still fully dressed and geared. You eyed that sidearm of his and a sick part of your mind that had been developing since Graves took you wondered what it would be like to suck him off while he held that gun to your head. You’d never had such thoughts before Graves got ahold of you. He’d really fucked you up, didn’t he? The relationship you shared with him was so dysfunctional, so unhealthy. But like either of you gave a fuck. Ya’ll didn’t. You both thrived on it.
When you introduced that hint of teeth on his shaft before dragging your tongue under his cock…that perfect balance of sharp and soft sensation was what pushed him over the edge. He had to take his thumb off his radio button but not before his breath caught in his throat. That same hand grasped your hair, pulling you closer as he released into your mouth.
“All good, boss?” A Shadow asked from the other side.
You swallowed what he gave you. Or tried to. You felt some drip out of your lips.
Graves had glanced down at you, seeing you use a finger to lead that cum that had escaped your lips back into your mouth.
“Gotdamn,” he rasped.
“Boss?”
“I’m 10-4,” his breath still came in short gasps. He was sure his men could hear it. “RTB, men.”
“You lose, Graves,”
-
Graves was a sore fucking loser because later that night he had you pinned to the bed facedown. You’d given him the greenlight, the codewords you both understood to mean that you wanted to be fucked that night. “Show me who I belong to.”
So he’d left finger bruises on your hips and wrists as he held you down. One of his hands was gripping your hair in such a strong grasp you felt a headache coming.
He fucked you so hard you were a blubbering mess. Edged you mercilessly at least 3 times. You’d screamed and moaned his name into the covers. You’d screamed it audibly once when he finally let you cum that first time and he’d threatened to duct tape your mouth shut and fuck you until you couldn’t walk.
You fell asleep in his bed because you were actually worried you’d walk differently if you got out of his bed.
You sure as hell made sure you got that watch back. It kinda made you feel like you were selling your body, though.
-
Your nightmares went from involving 141 to bringing back forgotten memories of the torture you’d endured at the hands of Shadow Company before you’d broke. 141 thought you were dead so maybe your head had put them out of your mind.
*
They came into that tiny room and instantly you were on the defensive. You didn’t care that they’d been keeping you awake for who knows how long. If they were coming in here to hurt you, you were going to put up a fight. Plus, Graves’s threat still hung heavy like a never ending storm threatening a tornado but not yet producing one. That he’d rape you and let you be passed around. So when multiple men came into your room you instantly became on edge.
“One chance,” Graves said. “Codes to the homing beacons.”
You flipped him off, adding a “Fuck you,” for good measure.
So when a Shadow stepped forward, grey eyes almost glinting with sadism, you swung at him, making (brief) contact with his face. He was shocked.
“You gonna take that?” Graves mocked. “I already told ‘er once not to swing at ya’ll. So teach her a lesson.”
Permission to put hands on you granted, the nameless, faceless Shadow grabbed you by the shirt and slammed you against the hard, cold concrete wall. You tried to knee him but failed. He grasped your hair and slammed your head against the wall. You slid down the wall while you tried your hardest to stay conscious as you fell on your side. When he stepped towards you, you tried to kick him but your coordination was off and he easily sidestepped you.
“You seriously picking a fight, little one?”
Hearing a Shadow call you such an innocent-sounding name disgusted you.
When he leaned towards you and over you, you scratched him, screaming, “Fuck off.” You’d only managed to scratch his face briefly but it was enough. He was bleeding.
Graves laughed.
That only made his subordinate madder, and he completely unleashed his anger on you. He unleashed punches, smacks, slaps, and finally, kicks. He’d beaten you to within an inch of consciousness and probably your life. You felt your ribs bruise and maybe some of your ribs broke (again) when he kicked you so hard you slid across the floor.
“Stop!” you shrieked.
You held your arms and hands out in front of you, unable to talk over the pain as you tried getting away from him by scooting away.
“Stop, soldier,” Graves commanded. “Think she learned her lesson.”
*
You woke with a start.
“Bad dream?” Graves’s tone was mocking, like it was every time he asked you if you’d had a nightmare.
“I was only dreaming about what I went through when I first got here,”
Graves was quiet but then he added, “I told you, Val. You could’ve avoided all that. If you’d just talked when I first told you to.”
-
Shadows looked at you different.
You wondered why until you saw yourself in a mirror. You avoided mirrors as much as possible because you hated how you looked. You were scarred, broken, damaged. You were sure the cut across the left side of your face was going to scar. It ran from just above your left temple and then barely missed your eye and curved under your cheekbone. The more time passed the more you realized it was going to be a permanent mark. You could still see the marks where they’d stitched your face up. Graves and his men had beat you so fucking badly that you’d required stitches to your face.
Your nose? Broken more than once in the last two months. There as a thin line right above the bone in your nose and you wondered if they’d literally taken a knife to your face. There was still a lot of shit you didn’t remember but you were almost certain it would come back to you in your nightmares.
There were a lot of things men didn’t understand about women. One of those was that a woman’s face defined her. How a woman looks defines her. And now? Your face was permanently altered because of the shit that was done to you. Because you’d been abandoned by the only team you’d ever trusted. They’d left you to die and for all they knew, you were dead. Tortured to death. Graves had made sure you died in their eyes.
The anger built up inside of you before you knew what to do with it. And you had to let it out. You couldn’t swing at Shadows and you sure as fuck couldn’t swing at Graves. So you launched a sharp punch into the mirror in front of you. The shattering sound was so satisfying and you were fascinated by the glitter of small glass pieces as they fell around you. The anger had come on so suddenly and you had no idea what the cause was. Was this going to be the rest of your life? Anger and feeling numb?
You glanced up and your dark gaze was briefly visible to yourself amongst the webs in the shattered mirror. It was not a gaze you recognized and that was when you realized that Graves had won.
The woman looking back at you was not the same woman who had flown into Las Almas planning to use her bilingual skills to help build bridges. It was not the same woman who wanted to use her counterintelligence and recon skills to make the world a safer place.
That woman had died in that room after you’d pulled that IV out of your arm.
“Somethin’ got you upset?” Graves drawled from the doorway.
In the past you might have been afraid that Graves would hurt you for destroying property but when you did it out of searing anger, he didn’t seem to mind. Almost as if he liked it that he’d turned you into this monster that he could take to the field with him.
You met his gaze in the smashed mirror and while you might have been seeing things, even Graves did a doubletake. Even he knew you were different. And if you weren’t mistaken, you’d swear that was a smirk pulling at the corners of his face.
-
You were beginning to see Shadows as your teammates. You didn’t really have a choice in the matter. You’d been here over two months now and 141 thought you and Graves were dead. You hated that when they talked to you, you noticed their eyes briefly shift to the permanent marks on your face.
Marks they and their kind had inflicted. But strangely enough, you didn’t blame them. You directed the blame at yourself because like Graves had told you multiple times: “You could’ve started talking a lot sooner. And if 141 really cared, they would’ve rescued you.”
Mirrors had been removed from common areas because you had destroyed all of them. You fucking hated how you looked. Being righthanded, your right hand held multiple cuts, some of them deep, from where you’d punched mirrors. But there were some on your left hand, too, just not as much. Adding scars to the growing list, weren’t you? So you took to wearing gloves.
“I don’t know what’s gotten into you, soldier,” Graves commented once. “But I like it.”
Now, before you couldn’t stand anything except for your hair touching your face. That was why you never really wore a mask, even though some of the members of 141 did. You’d never quite understood why until now. When you hate how you look, it’s a respite from having to look at yourself in anything that had a reflection which were lots of things.
You wore a dark mask and only took it off around Graves. Because Graves saw those scars every night so his eyes no longer fixated on them. The mask only covered the front of your face so you hair was free to flow over your shoulders on base. In the field it was in a single tight French braid on the back of your head to help your helmet fit better. Of course, you always had the problem of your bangs in your eyes but you didn’t mind those. It fixed the problem of Shadows looking at you and then shifting their gaze to the scars on your face. Your unstable mind swore you would’ve taken to breaking windows next. Anything to avoid seeing your reflection.
Graves had stopped replacing the mirror in the bathroom connected to the bedroom you two shared most of the time. Because you’d just break it whenever the mask came off. It got to the point to where you were scared someone else was going to see you, even in your sleep, so you slept with it on when Graves wasn’t next to you.
The next thing that bothered you was when someone would look at the deep cuts on your left arm, both from suicide attempts. One of them had been when you’d taken that piece of glass you’d found in that cell you were first put in and dragging it across your wrist no less than 3 inches. From one side of your under wrist to the other. The other? From ripping that IV out with such force you’d added another three inch laceration to your arm.
Your left wrist was also…different. You couldn’t put your finger on it but you guessed you’d hurt a ligament or something else due to being kept in tight zipties sometimes for 12 hours at a time. When Graves didn’t have anything else to torture you with all those months ago he would just have your hands tied behind you just to make you hurt and just to make you uncomfortable. You couldn’t move your left wrist at 100% anymore of that you were sure. You wondered if you had broken some of the smaller bones in your wrist because it cracked every time you rotated. He’d had you put in zipties after you’d picked a fight with one of his men and it had made the pain in your ribs that much worse because of the awkward position.
So you wore long sleeves. Even when you ventured into hot climates. You preferred dark clothing and that’s what Graves acquired for you. He hadn’t been lying that he would spoil you if you just cooperated.
You wondered if Shadows judged you before you started wearing long sleeves because of the obvious proof on your arms that you’d attempted to take your life.
The third thing that bothered you were unexpected noises. Loud noises were the worst. Now when you were in the field surrounded by your mask, your goggles, and other heavy clothing, the noises didn’t bother you. Plus you were in battlefield mode.
But during downtime at the base? Any unexpected noise made you jump. And when you jumped you looked ready to start swinging. So you were given those good quality noise-cancelling headphones for the base. If someone approached you a certain way or got to close you’d flinch.
Graves picked up on the fact that you seemed to dislike the chopping sound of helicopters the worst. You never really told him why but it was because it made you think of all the times you’d been with 141 on helicopters and it made you scared they were coming to take you away from Graves.
But 141 as well as the rest of your identity was fading away and fast.
Graves wouldn’t even call you by name anymore unless you were in the same private room you shared. If he needed you, he’d send you a notification on your watch. Sometimes during times when you were half-asleep you were sure you forgot your real name and heard only your callsign. All this thinking made you realize that…you didn’t remember your first name. You’d gone a little more unhinged over the next few days when you grasped that no matter how hard you tried you could not recall your first name.
You’d actually forgotten you first name.
You didn’t give it much thought after that because…surprisingly you didn’t care anymore.
Graves didn’t like to have you in the field. But sometimes he had no choice. He and his Shadows were big and tall. So when they needed someone to slip into a building or crawl under a gate or into an air duct, they used you. But when he did have you in field, you were covered in head to toe with gear. The only skin visible was the skin around your eyes and behind you goggles. He still made you wear a thinner Kevlar vest under your uniform shirt plus your larger Shadow vest. Double protection because if someone recognizes you, they’ll shoot you on sight.
He seemed nervous about losing you. Why? You weren’t exactly sure why. You’d eavesdropped on a conversation between Graves and Shepherd. You heard Shepherd tell Graves to not let you become “another loose end.” Graves responded, heatedly, that “She is not nor will she ever be a loose end.”
But while Graves liked to limit your field exposure, his narcissism shone through when he did put you in the field. Because while you were indeed geared up, he couldn’t hesitate to make sure you had brief pink accents to your gear. It was like he was proud to have a female on his team. It was like he saw you as a diamond in the rough, an advantage no one else had. Who else had the chance to seduce targets? Who else had a femme fatal? He knew he had a lead no one else did.
-
You noticed one day that your uniforms were no longer big on you. They fit you almost perfect. When did that happen?
-
The first time you killed someone in a field operation it was in the Middle East. Graves couldn’t use your bilingual skills here because you didn’t speak Farsi or Arabic but he sure as hell liked using you for recon. You’d been to so many places, boarded so many planes and choppers that you lost count. You had your watch but you’d lost interest in keeping track of time.
The Middle East was hot but you kept your long sleeves and mask.
The enemy combatant in question was shorter than your average male. By a lot. So even you were able to tackle him from behind after he fired a few shots towards some Shadows. He instantly turned onto his back and noticed the brief touches of pink on your gear. You heard him call you an American whore in Arabic.
You swung at him repeatedly and kept swinging, feeling bone and teeth break under you. Your gloves and hands became sticky with blood. A Shadow tried to pull you off the man but you then reached for your sidearm, raised it and shot him in the head.
Your second ‘victim’? A low-level, know-nothing enemy combatant who’d dropped his weapon. You raised your rifle and shot him anyway.
-
Back on base, you learned that each Shadow kept track of how many enemy combatants they’d killed on the inside of their vests. They’d taken yours and proudly added two tally marks before giving it back to you.
-
Notes: Ya'll, she is soooo far gone :,(
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RANT POST. LONG RANT POST.
So, I don't really need the subreddit thread to tell me I'm probably the asshole on this one, but this guy at work is TESTING me.
We'll call him Dude.
Dude probably has ADHD or autism or both. He definitely is undersocialized. I TRIED to keep that in mind.
Dude is usually the janitor, but we were short staffed in the stock room yesterday, so we ended up working a shift together.
And y'all-
He would put things where they clearly did NOT go, and then started to argue with me when I actually know wtf I'm doing, when he didn't straight up ignore me.
Then, we have a million boxes to sort through, stacked on pallets. Every time he opened a box, he'd loudly announce what was inside it. Every. Fucking. Time. And then, he mostly left the boxes for me to sort through, before deciding I wasn't doing it right or whatever, and forcibly taking over.
So, by the time I've been on shift for two hours, I am gotdamn DONE. So, I announce to the room at large so everyone knows where tf I went,
"I'm going on break." I go to grab my water.
"Yeah, go on break." -Dude (abrasive)
So, there I am nursing a screaming fucking headache in the breakroom (too soon for more ibuprofen) and I'm so close to just going home.
It was supposed to be my day off, anyway. Not MY fault that they forgot to schedule actual help.
So, anyway, I go back to the tiny ass stockroom. I was gone for fifteen fucking minutes. In that time, they managed to screw up the space so badly that it was five minutes later before I could do my goddamn job.
I was relieved when it was time to throw trash in the compactor. Fucker is noisy as shit, can't hear Dude being a dick over it. So, there I am, throwing away twenty or so big bags of trash in the compactor. Finally get the inefficient fuckwad to actually do its job, but the needle on the guage went into the yellow warning bit.
Uh oh.
"Hey [MOD], when did they take out the compacted trash last?"
"Not too long ago, why?"
"The gauge is in the yellow."
"What does that mean?"
Tf you think it means?! Get the trash picked up, bitch, quickly!
So, I get the trash squared away, and the freaking truck came. We have 5 pallets already, we're getting 9, and we have space for a total of maybe 16. Its gonna be a tight fit.
Dude fucked up on wrapping a gaylord. Then, he saved two empty pallets instead of one, like we usually do. Not two minutes after I tell Dude we don't need it, motherfucking MOD goes and tells him to grab another empty pallet.
Then, the truck driver who brought his own shrinkwrap, asked if I knew where it went. Fuckers moved it without telling either of us. So, when Dude picks it back up, I tell him,
"That belongs to the truck driver, don't move it."
Dude fucking ignores me.
I repeat myself.
He says, "I know!"
"If you know so much, why are you moving it?" I am so done with this fucker at this point.
"I'm not moving it." (Aggressively rude). He sets it down. I turn to my coworker who saw this all go down, with a "can you believe this guy?" Look.
She makes a shooing motion with her hand. Now, im looking at her like she's lost her damn mind.
"Move. I need to get by you."
Then, [MOD] says we don't have room for the gaylords where they usually go. She tells the guy to throw them on top of the pallets. The, uh, seven foot tall pallets we have to move almost immediately.
So I suggest that we put them against a different wall instead. Its what we usually do.
[MOD]: we can't mess with this guy, we'll fix it later, he's a bit crabby.
I literally was trying to make his job easier, but ok.
So, I leave early, by like, an hour. When I get home, my Dad flat out accused me of being lazy.
In other words, fuckers KEEP walking all over me, and men (and some women) are fucking trash.
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sickeningradiances · 5 years
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tagged by @cishethiruzen tysm!! ♥
What was your last
Drink: orange mirinda with ICE bc its SUMMER
Phone call: i dont remember but i dont talk to anyone else but momther
Last text: i just checked my texts and theyre all from bank and me asking the operator how much money i have...
Last song: Dehumanized by Disturbed
Last time I cried: its been some time! a good month! so im gonna say a month back from frustration
Have you ever dated anyone: i had.. 2 girlfriend and one boyfriend, who was a cishet, so in retrospect i hope he never finds out i discovered my gender
Kissed some one and regretted it: yep, im gonna say my ex bf
Have you ever been cheated on: not to my knowledge
Lost someone special: a few friends stopped talking to me, but im not mourning that anymore
Been drunk and thrown up: i havent been drunk for 3 years, but before that i did not throw up
List three favorite colors: gold, black, red (yes basic)
In the last year have you…
Made a new friend: yes it helped me a LOT with mental health
Fallen out of love: not yet but hopefully ill lose this stupid crush
Laughed till you cried: YEA when i killed ashe with my sparrow
Met someone who changed you: yes i’d say all of my new friends have helped me to become better
Found out who your true friends are: i guess?
Found out someone was talking about you: not to my knowledge.. Yet
Kissed someone on your FB friends list: i have no gotdamn idea whos on my fb friends list but i did not Kiss Anyone so either way no lmao
General
How many ppl do you know on your FB list irl: i have a feeling this thing is from facebook
Do you have any pets: MY CAT.... LIL SASKE, OR PIZZA JR i love him so much every day i am excited to come home to see him
Do you want to change your name: one day when i transition
What did you do for your last birthday: im Pretty sure i played overwatch as a highlight of the day
What time did you wake up today: 7:35 and i was late to work but 4 hours of sleep do that
What were you doing at midnight last night: gaming.. well i go to sleep at midnight so finishing up (and then i listened to mbmbam for 2 hours)
Something you cannot wait for: week in august when i’ll be home from work lmao AND destiny shadowkeep
Last time you saw your mother: this morning
What is one thin you wish you could change about life: about my life you kn ow... transition. but about life in general, im gonna say i wish climate change wasnt a thing and rich people wouldnt be killing planet but o Boy
What are you listening to right now: Walk away from the sun by Seether
Have you ever talked to a man named Tom: i dont think so?
What’s getting on your nerves: work... colleagues think i can write for 7 hours in this heat with my tired jello hands
Most visited website: ouch tumblr
Nickname: Pizza
Relationship status: single and dumbass
Zodiac sign: virgo
Pronouns: he/him
Fav tv shows: i dont remember..i dont really watch Anything but i do read books so here’s current two: ascension (obviously) and Ninefox Gambit (and rest of the triology) by Yoon Ha Lee
Hair color: brown, all red has grown out
Long or short: short
Height: 173cm..i think 5′7
Do you have a crush on someone: dont call me out
What do you like about yourself: i am really loving this new Can Read Books Pizza that ive never met before, i can finally focus on something for a while
Tattoos: constellation of virgo on my forearm, i want taurus next and capricorn after
Righty or lefty: right and i have to look at my arm everytime im trying to say sides
First surgery: none
First piercing: none agane
First best friend: in kindergarden i used to  have friend called Niki cause no one else liked me, so when she wasnt in for a day i just. sulked alone ajkfsk but also we could say my cousin michelle
First sport you joined: i liked and still like only volleyball
First pair of trainers: i dont fucking know
Right now
Eating: early dinner cause i had munchies
Drinking: same orange soda
Listening to: second one in same quiz.. well song changed so Words as Weapons by Seether (i am listening to only seether today for some reason)
Want kids: Not At All
Career: Ive always wanted to write or paint..but my interests dont hold for long
Which is better
Lips or eyes: eyes
Hugs or kisses: casually hugs but i woudlnt mind kisses smh
Shorter or taller: Everyone Must Be Shorter Than Me
Romantic or spontaneous: rrromantic?
Nice stomach or nice arms: ?? arms? id say hands
Sensitive or loud: sensitive.. whatever but not loud
Hookup or relationship: relationship ig
Troublemaker or hesitant: i used to be troublemaker but now hesitant
Have you ever
Kissed a stranger: no
Drank hard liquor: uhm yea im slavic
Lost glasses/contacts: never had glasses
Sex on the first date: i dont think ive had DATES but either way no
Broke someone’s heart: i think all of my exes broke up with me
Had your heart broken: yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Been arrested: lmao i dont go outside
Turned someone down: that would require people to ask me out lmao
Cried when someone died: i dont
Fallen for a friend: HEY I SAID DONT CALL ME OUT
Do you believe in
Yourself: IM TRYING
Miracles: hmmm depends
Love at first site: nnooo
Santa Claus: we  dont have santa lmao but i didnt believe in baby jesus for long either
Kiss on the first date: oh Yea
Angels: i want to but not christian angels.. just some supernatural beings
im tagging (sorry lmao i have no friends) @ashesucksatowofficial @artimidas @uchithot and @lady-efriyeet hi
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ghostfart69 · 6 years
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dont mind me im reading too far into an interview, a voice line from HotS, and a reload animation re:Genji
So in thinking on another post about how little we actually know about timelines of when things happened or when characters gained abilities and lost limbs, as well as the fan-response thing where Michael Chu says that Genji’s uh...lower bits function (you heard it hear folks genji can poop) BUT I DIGRESS. 
Theres something that bugs the shit out of me about his young sparrow skins. It’s before Hanzo gives him the ol’ Slap-Chop™ to the 80% of his gotdamn body, but when he reloads his shuriken they still come froma  compartment inSIDE his arm. I mean, it’s Blizzard, so I’m absitively posilutely overthinking the goddamn shit out of this but one of Genji’s lines in Heroes of the Storm had me thinking...
Basically, he says ‘I should have listened to my brother when he said he had the high ground.’ and it’s a reference to scene in Revenge of the Sith when, in short, ObiWan and Anakin duke it out and the former chops the latter’s legs off and leaves him to burn to death after a tearful last screaming match and like. Maybe thats basically how the fight went, Genji leaping at Hanzo from a bad angle, getting De-Legged and Dragonblasted extra crispy style. 
THIS BRINGS ME TO MY ACTUAL GOTDAMN POINT HOLY SHIT THOUGH MAYBE GENJI HAD ALREADY LOST HIS ARM IN A FIGHT/ATTACK/ACCIDENT OR WAS BORN WITHOUT IT?  WHAT IF HE JUST LEGIT HAD A WEAPONIZED PROSTHETIC INSTEAD OF WIERD CREEPY PULLING-POINTY-STARS-OF-DEATH-OUT-OF-MY-CORPOREAL-FLESH 
I DONT KNOW WHY IM YELLING THOUGH BUT IF ANYONE ELSE HAS THOUGHTS OR THEORIES GIMME 
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goonmilk · 6 years
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fALL bACK
September 1st came faster than I thought. August was a busy month and a blur. From moving into the new house, to my 30th Birthday, to the Back To School Drive, I’ve had zero time to sit down and connect with you, my Blog readers. Lets catch up...
​Business is... Business, still an underground king riding dirty. No consigns, no investors, no celebrity clout. Just direct-to-consumer sales from the site and a pop up every now and again. Slow grinding til I can finesse more overhead capital to fund more projects and ideas. I’m styling more shoots and connecting with more and more people that love my style. Only thing i hate is how everyone is dictating what’s what by the likes and followers people have. Shit isn’t even high quality but if you have the following you can regurgitate that bullshit and get rich off it while real artists starve. Clout worse than crack in 2018. 
But Mentally, I’ve never felt more in tune with myself creatively and with the things I want for myself. I’m literally manifesting my dreams with positive affirmations and abiding by the law of attraction and the spiritual laws of circulation. You give positive vibrations and those vibrations return to you. Do good the more good comes to you. Also I’ve adversly gotten rid of all negative vibrations; things, or people that give me a feeling of uncertainty. I find that choosing and affirming the good in your life is much healthier for your mental than enduring things that you do not know are good or bad for you... consciously choose good feelings all the time. life’s to short for “on the fence” feelings. Well for me atleast. 
Socially, I’ve accepted my role in certain relationships/friendships as a Support role. We all want to be that lead role but I’ve learned to not force anything with anyone. And one of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn in life is that some people do not value you or your time the same as you do theirs. Sometimes the goalposts move as people grow. Sometimes you’re in a persons life to prepare them for their next lesson or to repeat the last. That’s with friends, lovers, and even family. So instead of me feeling at a lost in learning this lesson the hard way. I changed my perspective and see things as knowledge gained instead. Learning what I want and don’t want for myself and my future. Seeing what signs should have been red flags before, that I no longer overlook. Being more accountable for my shortcomings, communicating better, being mindful of my actions and the reactions they cause. I’m growing and failing forward. 
I’m proud of my gotdamn self and other than selling my Old School for drastically lower than what it was worth, Life is Good. 
Ain’t no complaints.
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mrskandiibaby2269 · 7 years
Text
Like A Virgin
... So Mike and I are chilling at his house working on the project for school. And I'm teaching him all I know about creative writing. I must admit I'm so nervous it makes no sense. I'm trying to hide it. But he finds a way to help me relax. "Adina you gotta chill" I just wanna know why you being so nice to me. Nobody that you hang with likes me. So I know they put bugs in yo ear. "Listen. This assignment is for me to know you and you to know me. So know I don't let people put bugs in my ear. I find out for myself." I'm sorry. "It's cool. Look since I moved here for a week. I gotta confess something to you. " What's up ? " When I first saw you my mind was blown and my breath was taken away. I over heard what class you was in and I got mine changed so I can meet you. I really like you." Why me? " Because you're not like the other girls. Them " Rah-Rah, ratchet drama, filled, ghetto" Bitches. You're a beautiful women. You're down to earth, and chilled, basic. I love basic girls. Cause they stay to them selves and do what they need to do. " Can I be honest with you too? "Sure." I like you too He leans over to kiss me.... And it felt so damn good. Him rubbing my thighs Picking me up and getting on top Taking my shirt off slowly but I stop his hands. I felt the need to tell him the truth about me. I'm a Virgin. I can't do this maybe I should go. "Or maybe you should let me teach you somethings now." That look he gave me was like he was talking straight to my heart and my soul. He knew what I wanted and he knew I didn't want to wait for marriage no more. So. I got on top of him and took off his jersey and kissed him passionately Our tongues was so in sync. He rubbed on my pussy making my clit throb with anticipation. "Damn baby your Pussy so wet feeling like condensation. " He lifted me up and pulled down my leggings. Rubbing and smacking and biting my ass. Made me lean my head back and moan Mmmmm fuck! " I think I know what you like. I think you like it rough on the low." He says winking me. So while he lays me on my back taking my black lace panties off with his teeth while looking up at me. He tells me " This is how real men eat pussy. " Zig zagging his tongue from the left lip to the right lip Going in circles Tongue going crazy like a windmill Kissing my sweet juicy lips He spreads my legs open more To devour more of my pussy "Damn you taste so good you gotta pretty pussy too. Mmmm MMM. Oh you gonna be mine. " Mmmm shit YESS damn this feel so good I couldn't help but move back to the end of the couch Then he took total control that made me even wetter like water "Stay ya lil' sexy ass still. I'm not letting you get away this time." At that moment he strips my shirt off and unhooked my bra. And lifted me up and put me over his shoulders and place my back against the wall. And continued to eat my pretty pussy from where he left off He places his hands on my hips and made me roll in a sexy motion and told me to keep it going as he tightly gripped on to my hips and thighs As I did what he commanded. That felt more like heaven father please forgive. I mean but damn. The deeper he went into my pussy with his tongue, shaking his head All I could do is palm the back of his head and push him more into my pussy, bite my lip, and gasp for air like I needed mouth to mouth resuscitation. "Yeah, that's right baby take this tongue. Now take this dick " He move me from his shoulders to his dick. Thinking I was gonna fall but he catch me so smooth and wrapped my legs around his body While dropping his shorts He whispers in my ear gently "You ready ?" Yes "I'm go slow for you. Tell me when to stop." Feeling the tip of his large manhood, stretching my pussy It did hurt but only for a few seconds and the more he kept stroking his dick in and out of me And hearing the wetness of my pussy Mmmm I just had to scratch his back up a little bit. Then I stopped because I didn't know if that was cool or not until he told me. " You can scratch my back up if you want to baby. I love that shit." Mmmmm ahhh Mmm ahh mmm ahhh fuck Mike YESS YESS "Damn Yo pussy so good. Mmmm Fuck Adina. Shit Gotdamn girl. Hell yea. Gimme that pussy." Take it baby. It's all yours.. "And this dick is all yours baby. Muah muah muah." With each and every deep stroke he gave . My nails went deeper in his back. He then flip me over and put me on my knees on the floor and never missed a stroke. He kept the nice and slow ,sexy rhythm. Mmmm shit don't stop. Please don't stop !!! " I'm not gonna stop baby. I got you ma." As he says that in my ear. He teaches me how to throw my ass back on his dick and tells me to fuck his dick on my own while he stays still. "Squeeze that tight pussy on my dick... Shh-shit fuck yea just like that baby mmmm MMMM FUCK." As I throw it back on him. He grips and smacks my ass and he continues to fuck me while rubbing my back nice and smooth. Sent chills up and down my spine. I got bold and told him to lay on his back. I've been practicing how to give head with a toy I have at home. Hopefully I do good for the first time. I jack his dick up and down Kiss and lick all over it Start at the tip Running my tongue in circles around the head Work my head down mid shaft Cave my jaws in Slowly bob my head up and down Wetting his dick up with my tongue "Mmmm.... Aaaaah SHIT DAMN baby!! " Taking him in my mouth whole Spitting and slobbering on his thick big dick Drooling and catching it Making It Nasty He puts his hand on my head and grips my hair tugging and holding on for dear life That shit only made me wetter "Deep throat this dick. Go deeper baby. Come on bae you can do it." So I do. The deeper I go The more I choke and I love every minute of it. *COUGHING AND CHOKING* "Aaaaah FUCK ADINA. MMMMm SHIT BABY YOU ABOUT TO MAKE ME NUT!!!" Not until I ride you and you bust in my mouth. "MMmmm yes ma'am" So I get on top of him and start rolling my hips in circles Moving my pussy back and forth Making my ass clap on his dick I place his hands on my ass and make him smack my ass continuously as I start bouncing up and down Mmmm I feel my pussy creaming and squirting making his dick a complete and total sexy mess. "There ya baby. Ride that dick while smack that ass and suck on these pretty titties." Ahhh mmmm yassss daddy yassss "Ohh. I love it when you call me daddy. Shh-shit baby SHIT FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!!! " What's wrong Daddy ?! "IM ABOUT TO FUCKING NUT. GET ON YO KNEES AND CATCH IT WITH YOUR MOUTH. COME ON BABY!!!!!." Holding my mouth wide open and sticking my tongue out to catch every drop and ounce of his creamy nut. "AHHHHH SHIT ADINA. FUCK!!! MMMMMmmmm FUCK!!! GOTDAMN!!!!" As he explodes on my tongue I swallow it all and show him that it's all gone. "Damn baby you might have been a Virgin but you a freaky ass Virgin." We both start laughing as make our way to the shower to get cleaned up. He wash me and I wash him But he looks me deep in my eyes And said "I was dead ass serious when I said you gonna be mine. Just to let you know. This wasn't no "hit and quit game" this is an continuous, on going , something serious , level type shit bae." Really? "Really, really. Adina I'm not gonna play you out like that. I'm not like those other niccas that do shit for bragging rights. That shit lame as hell." Then he kisses me. "Adina. I want you to be mine. Be my girl, please?" I kiss him back and happily say yes. He then takes me home. I say hey to my mom and dad and head upstairs to my room and fall on my bed. Smiling and cheesing like hell. All of this feels like a dream. Then I get a text on my phone. "Sup, baby girl I would like to take you out all weekend and pick you up for school when next week start back up is that cool?" Damn this is real and he text with good grammar?! Oh yeah it's a done deal. So I text back "Yea. That's cool bae. See you tomorrow around noon for lunch?" He quickly replies back. "Sounds like a plan baby. We can go to the mall. 💋❤️" "💋💋💋😍💋😏" So tomorrow comes and everything is great he bought me new clothes and shoes and a new necklace. Even got my hair and nails done. I told him I'm not the gold digging type and he didn't have to spend his money on me. But he insisted to do all these things and said he don't care. As long as I'm his girl and stay loyal to him. I'll get this treatment when ever I want it. He met my family and they like him and that's another plus. School starts back and we pull up in the school parking lot in his Blue Ford focus Girls try to gussy their selves up and try to attempt to look good and speak to him. And they begin to make their way over to him until he gets out and comes to the passenger side and opens my door. I step one foot out and niccas mouth drop and bitches start pouting and roll their eyes. He reaches for my hand to help me get out the car and carries my book bag and his. He pulls me to him and makes out with me in front of everbody. While we ignore the whispering and talking and the shocked looks. We began to walk in the school and guys I don't talk to, who bad mouth me. Tried to holla at me. But Mike shut them down. "Damn Adina you looking good why don't you and me do--" "Not a damn thing. Back, back homie. This my Queen. This all me." I just laugh and roll my eyes at the pathetic guy who lost his chance to have me. And kiss Mike for defending my honor. Then a ratchet chick tries to do the same thing with Mike. "Heyy Mike. You wanna go out sometime?" Sorry boo he already has a date and kiss him right in front of her as she gets mad and storm off. Mike has helped me get so much confidence. I've gained a lot of self esteem. Now my girls see me smiling more. And they say they are very happy for me and I deserve it all. Amber tells me " Damn 'Dina yo ass got fatter and hips hot wider" And Shaniece agrees and ask " Yea girl what the hell you did do over the weekend?!" All I could I say with a sexy, mischievous smirk 😏was "Ladies. Mike and I will gladly answer any questions you have at lunch today😉" While Mike agreed and kissed me as we all made our way to the cafeteria Their looks 😳😳and gasp😱😱😆😆😆 was priceless I got a feeling today nah scratch that....The rest of the year is gonna be a good year😏. MrsKandiiBaby💋🍭👅💦😏😘😜
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onlyfangz · 7 years
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i think that lost anon was referring to some shit sixpenceee has said, like demonising metal illnesses and stuff. if you want more information, there's a whole tag, #sixpenceee callout
yeah i keep about 2983749302398477 miles away from tumblr discourse, it just stresses me out. as ive matured, ive realized just how hive mind tumblr is and im not Here For That. im here to reblog pictures of puppies, talk about how shit tumblr is but continue to use it and make fun of donald trump’s tiny hands. im only 17 but four years of Discourse and Constant Fighting has made me feel so Old, have a mint and just let grandpa sleep, kids
in short, tumblr’s toxic, i’ll be dead soon, and im gonna do whatever i gotdamn please on my own gotdamn blog
(just to clarify bc having been in the fight club side of tumblr i kno everything is taken too seriously, that last line was meant to be taken as a joke.)
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coffeewithjoywave · 7 years
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I dare you to do all the aesthetic themed asks (or at least your favourites)
hooo boy let’s go
ill just delete the ones ive already done and the ones i don’t particularly want to do/can’t answer
fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?
where did dan buy The Scarf from
matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?
lol no i wanna die
moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?
it was decent i guess
stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?
i can’t remember
converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?
…..i technically have done that before so yeah?
lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?
ive never held out until three am but the other day i was up talking to @bastilleglory probably about memes…. what do they mean to me? that one person who makes me look at terrible things on the internet (sorry Cristina)
handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?i would say “i love you” to dan smith ;)
oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?
“a series of slightly unfortunate events (this title was totally not plagiarised)”
overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?
move overseas, go travelling, see as many bastille shows as i can
combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?eeeeh sorta i guess and yeah? idk
tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.
i don’t mind them you do you boo i wouldn’t get any myself tho because im weak (and i had pierced ears once and they got infected to that’s turned me off forever ;))
piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?
pffff i wear no makeup at all catch me with acne and dark circles that you can see from a mile away i 1) have no motivation and 2) don’t like how it feels on my face having to wear stage makeup once a year is bad enough
cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.
never been to a concert :’)
grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?
ive already achieved this bc charlie once wrote me a note ;)
space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?
yes my desk is midway between messy and organised lmao my stereo is to my left and my record player to the right with all my pencils etc shoved together in the middle and its covered in residue from erasers
white bed sheets: what is your night time routine?
watch whatever’s on tv then go to bed at around 10pm and torture myself by staying up scrolling tingle.hell for up to 4 hours
old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?
i really don’t want them finding out that im trans tbh
beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?
well my hair is dyed but id like it if i could find some green dye 👌
11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.
1: to find my gotdamn badge that i lost because charlie barnes gave it to me and i feel very guilty for losing it2: to have enough money to travel 3: this is stupid but if i could magically have a flat chest that would be 👌👌
lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?
ive never been drunk or high
love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.
nah fam im aro
clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?
im not a boy or a girl so HAHA
coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?
never been to starbucks and i wouldn’t trust anybody to order for me not even myself bc im indecisive
this was hell Courtney thanks
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