#in the days leading up to my period my ocd flares up | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

blackcoffeeandblankpagess · 4 years

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My will to live is so low. I feel like everything is so unfair and overwhelming and hard and ugh. What keeps you going? What inspires you to run far, study hard, & be adventurous? I want to see the adventure in life, but everything just feels so uneccessarily difficult. Every time I start getting it together, something new destroys it. I feel like you can kinda relate, but you seem to be handling life's struggles much better than I am. Thanks, love u.

*hug*

okay, the first key is that there are many times where I also feel like Everything Sucks and There’s No Fucking Point™️ especially during this quarantine period I have found myself often spiraling into existential dread...so basically my point is that making the choice to keep going doesn’t mean I’m feeling stoked on life all the time, sometimes that’s the choice you make because realistically what other choice is there? My point is not to downplay those feelings, rather to say that you don’t need to (*shouldn’t) wait until you feel overwhelming optimism and drive to start doing the things that are going to push you forward in life, sometimes you just have to do the stuff even if it feels pointless

I want to preface this by saying I absolutely by no means think mental illness (depression, anxiety, etc.) is a choice but I DO think the way you cope with it is up to your choosing. For instance, lately I’ve found myself absolutely bugging out around meal times trying to decide what to eat and if I don’t consciously stop myself for a second and breathe and remind myself I CAN choose to chill the fuck out for a sec, the world isn’t ending, everything is fine etc., I will immediately go into panic freak out mode because that’s just what I’ve trained myself to do. I guess what I’m trying to say is that when you feel those bad What’s The Point vibes creeping in you can follow them in a downward spiral of negativity or you can choose to tell yourself that that is not going to lead anywhere good and instead focus on the positives even if it feels dumb! or pointless! (easier said than done, I know, and I’m not saying that if you just change your thought process you will cure depression but I think you can try to spin things a tiny bit which might help a tiny bit)

Another thing, cliche, but it helps is to remember that you’re still here. There have probably been 3242342 times you have felt like life just sucks but I’m SURE there are other times that come after/inbetween those when you’re like wow I actually feel pretty good rn. So if right now you are in one of those bad spots, it isn’t gonna last forever.

Also, sometimes I get frustrated because I feel like I should be doing more to feel better or whatever but sometimes your brain is just having a shit time and literally you just need to do whatever you can to get through it. I know personally my OCD/anxiety/food issues flare up when I’m stressed and sometimes that stress is obvious and easy to pinpoint like the first week of classes but other times its quieter (i.e. studying for the lsat for months) and I could spend every day beating myself up for not feeling ~happier~ and working to feel better or whatever but in reality sometimes I just need to wait for the stressful time to be over and then my brain goes back to its normal spot on its own and I just feel better

That’s not to say that mental illness is gonna fix itself but if you are in a stressful time (i.e. a pandemic is happening) I think it’s reasonable to think that you are probably going to feel better at least a little bit when it’s done because it is likely contributing to the bad vibes you are feeling (and don’t beat yourself up for feeling like you can’t just wake up tomorrow feeling super happy)

Also I have this idea in my head that one day I’ll write a memoir and when things are absolute shit I think well that will make a good story at least (lol)

Idk. Sometimes things just suck. I could tell you to make gratitude lists and listen to a happy song and call a friend and yes go ahead do those things BUT sometimes things just suck! I don’t always see the beauty in things! and that’s okay! I keep going when it’s hard because I know it hasn’t always been hard and it won’t always be hard.

I would also HIGHLY recommend stepping back from social media or at least reevaluating who you follow because I know a big source of my own stress can sometimes come from seeing other people seemingly so happy about everything and then feeling upset that I don’t feel as happy about those things. Like when Jared and I moved in together seeing other couples seemingly in these perfect relationships made me feel like I was doing something wrong and just needed to be more appreciative etc. but no! I’m only seeing a snippet of other people’s lives! I know we all know this rationally about social media but it’s easy to forget. And when you’re having a hard time and it SEEMS like everyone else is doing well it’s easy to be even harder on yourself and think you’re doing something wrong. You aren’t. I promise.

And of course, I would be remiss if I didn’t suggest talking to a therapist, a loved one, someone you trust about this. Take care of yourself

#answered

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toshikosatos · 4 years

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where I’ve been

trigger warnings for mention of suicidal ideation, and very nonspecific mention of sexual intrusive thoughts. brief mention of fear of starting a fire and contamination fears. (there is also a link to an article which I provide warnings for later, but here’s an advance warning that the article at that link mentions pedophilia.)

alternative title: “OCD: It’s More Than Just Hand Washing! (And Yet I Am Also Singlehandedly Keeping the Body Shop in Business with My Frequent Purchases of Hand Cream in a Desperate Attempt to Undo that Self-Inflicted Damage, As Well.)”

2016 was when it really started to get bad.

there was no real, or at least good, reason for this. my friend had just flown across the Atlantic and moved in with me and my parents, and it was so nice living with a friend and having that constant companionship. I had just finished my first year back in school after deciding to go back and finish my degree following a four year gap, in which I’d bounced between part-time service industry jobs, unemployment, and periods of severe mental illness. it was hard, but I got through that first year. I was 25.

things that sucked, though: season 5 of Person of Interest was happening, and after a year of anticipation, I wound up really disappointed by it. I have a tendency to fixate really unhealthily on my current favourite media, pretty much invest my entire emotional wellbeing in it, and then get totally crushed when it winds up disappointing me in some way. I still feel this cycle happening and don’t quite know how to break out of it, but it was worse back then. and the fandom was also full of REALLY toxic drama at the time that I couldn’t see clearly enough to disengage myself from (although it did ultimately lead to me quitting Tumblr). it wound up really triggering what I now understand to be my OCD, but I didn’t get that back then.

but maybe I should have seen it. I remember weird little things that popped up when I was younger. I went through a time for a few days as a tween when I couldn’t stop flaring my nostrils, or focusing on my blinking, and getting increasingly stressed out by it. later in my teens, I got more anxious about checking all the lights in my house to make sure none of them were about to burst into flames before I went to bed. I also had a bedtime ritual where I’d look at the moon and wish for my loved ones’ wellbeing, and it got more and more ritualized, in this way where I couldn’t step away and go to bed until I felt I’d looked at the moon just Enough, or done certain physical gestures by the window enough times. then I did a school project on OCD at 17 and thought, oh, hey, a lot of this sounds familiar! it made me so aware of my compulsions, but I also started doing them more and getting more stressed out by them as a result, somehow. but a little while after finishing the project, things calmed down again.

these were the things I understood to be related to OCD. I didn’t know WHAT was happening to me when I couldn’t pull myself away from Twitter arguments at 25, couldn’t stop going over the same topics with friends and explaining how I felt and getting reassurance that my friends didn’t judge my opinions, or didn’t judge me for having had a different opinion in the past. I didn’t know why I was losing hours of my life to stress over The Discourse going on on my Twitter feed. I just thought, geez, my anxiety is a mess.

then I went back to school in the fall, and it got worse. one day I remembered something offensive I’d said to be ~edgy when I was 14. read: 11 years prior. I became overcome with anxiety for the next few days, convinced that if I ever told a friend about this, they’d disown me for being an awful person. finally, I told them, and they did not care one bit. they just started listing other 14 year olds they’d known who’d done the same kind of shit. I breathed a sigh of relief. for the time being.

then I wrote an essay that led me down a questionable Youtube rabbit hole. I wound up getting very triggered by a video I saw of something that probably should have been removed from Youtube, but I also convinced myself that I was a horrible person for having looked at it and not immediately looked away. I worried about this for about a month.

then in December 2016, it got much worse. I remembered something similarly inappropriate that I’d seen online when I was 15. again: 10 years earlier. I had looked the thing up out of morbid curiosity, thought it was inappropriate, and never looked at it again. now, 10 years later, I was suddenly overwhelmingly convinced that I was a HORRIBLE person for having looked at this, and that any of my friends would agree and would leave me forever if they knew. within a few days, it became so overwhelming I told a friend, and she did not care. I felt better, for a moment. but it came back. the fear always came back. reassurance from any one person was never enough. I always knew that some remaining friend WOULD hate me for one thing or another I’d done, and it WOULD be proof that I was a terrible person.

I didn’t see how it could get any worse until January 2017. somehow, it did. my thoughts were out of control. I triggered myself eight ways till Sunday, and that January and February was one of the hardest times of my entire life. I was never suicidal - I always knew I would never actually kill myself - but I imagined myself dead every single day, and thought about how much better off we’d all be if I’d never been born. (I remember feeling this way when I took the picture I included at the top of this post.) I felt like there was no point in me living anymore because I was such a horrible person, but that I HAD to keep living, so I was just stuck in a pointless existence, not allowed to feel fulfilled anymore. it was probably the lowest I’ve ever felt. it was the worst feeling. I was anxious and afraid, but that isolating fear made me deeply depressed, too.

but it was pretty early on in all this that I tried to google what I was feeling, and was led to this famous article by Rose Cartwright about pure O OCD. (MAJOR trigger warnings on that article: she talks in detail about sexual intrusive thoughts about pedophilia as well as sexual orientation). honestly, having a name for what I was going through didn’t make me feel much better, but at least I had some idea what was happening to me, now. and it was that knowledge that EVENTUALLY helped me to help myself. it gave me the language to use with the doctors I met, an understanding of how to explain what I was going through, which eventually helped me through evaluations and got me into an OCD treatment program in the fall of 2018. and it did show me that I wasn’t alone.

but there was a sense of, “how did I never realize what this was until now?” I’d referred to myself as having OCD tendencies for a long time. “OCD habits.” I didn’t think any of it was severe enough to actually call OCD. then I found out all the different ways OCD can manifest: intrusive thoughts about sexual topics, violence, morality. I’d had them all. even back in 2013, when I first started seeing a psychotherapist, I went through a phase where I couldn’t stop having a particular intrusive sexual thought that made me feel like a monster. I told my therapist about it, desperate. she reassured me that I wasn’t a freak, and I felt a whole lot better. but she never even used the term OCD. she just said it was strange that I was having these thoughts when I didn’t have a history of abuse. but that’s not strange: it’s just how OCD works sometimes. she didn’t Get It. (I have read that psychotherapists often don’t get it, because they’re quite focused on analyzing the reasons why you feel a certain way, and OCD sufferers already do that too much. we don’t need to analyze: we need to learn to live with our bad thoughts, and not act out compulsions in response to them.) so I went on not knowing until it got much, much worse. and that is why people really need to start building a better understanding of all the different things that OCD entails.

I have intrusive sexual thoughts. I worry CONSTANTLY about everything I’ve ever done wrong and that I’m a bad person, and every single day I fight the urge to seek reassurance from my friends that every single one of those things isn’t It, the thing that will finally make them realize that I’m a horrible person and leave me forever. I second guess every decision I make to the point that I wind up frozen by my own anxiety. I obsess over contamination and harm, too. I wash my hands too much because I’m afraid if I don’t, and then I touch something someone else will touch, I might contaminate them in some way, and that would make me a horrible person. it all comes down to “this will make me a horrible person.” all my other obsessions come back to morality, in the end. I had one doctor who evaluated me tell me I was wrong to connect my sexuality obsessions to my morality obsessions, but I think she was wrong. they are absolutely connected. it is ALL about this for me, in the end.

when I was cleaning my room last year, during my treatment, I got distracted by a notebook I wrote in when I was 12, and I found a page where I wrote, in 2003, “My obsessive compulsive habits are getting out of hand.” I didn’t even remember knowing the term when I was 12. I saw it that long ago, but it took me until I was 27 to get treated for it. there’s no such thing as too late, but when I read that, I wished I could have told my younger self to get help and why. I wished I could show my 17 year old self, or my 21 year old self, or my 25 year old self that page, and let her know, “this is what’s going on. this is what you need to tell a doctor you’re dealing with.” but maybe now I can help someone else figure that out, like Rose Cartwright has helped me with her OCD activism and writing.

my treatment ended a year ago, and I haven’t been using the tools they gave me very diligently since. I’ve been really struggling as a result, but executive dysfunction is a bitch. I hope I can start working on it again soon, because I already know what I need to do to feel better.

a book we used in therapy that I found incredibly helpful: https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Over-OCD-Second-Self-Help/dp/1462529704

Rose’s book: https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B0118ITJUY/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

#comes back to tumblr to reblog gay terminator content and writes a personal essay about my mental illness instead #sure!#I don't know why I'm doing this exactly but here I am #if you don't want to click but are interested in resources that have helped me with my OCD feel free to message me #the workbook we used in therapy that helped me is called getting over ocd by jonathan s. abramowitz #gotta say it feels good that I've come so far that I can talk about it this openly now though #personal

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mental-health-advice · 4 years

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this might be a little tmi, but i feel like i migjt have PMDD but nobody around me takes my period seriously. my mom ways dismisses me when i tell her i feel it coming like a week before it does and what im referring to usually is how i feel hopeless * ive even felt suicidal before * a week or days before my period, and i have started crying for no reason. i already knew that it heightened my anxiety bc i always feel anxious and keyed up randomly days before my period as well, but i used ( 1/2 )

to brush that off bc i have an anxiety disorder. but i got an intuitive feeling that something about this doesn't feel quite 'normal'. i compared my period to my best friend and asked her if shes had any of the same experiences as me, and she said she gets no mood swings at least not to my extent and the only thing is that she craves chocolate and gets cramps. my insomnia, ADHD, and OCD also all flare up badly. i have brought this up to my therapist and doctor but got dismissed. ( 2/2.)

Hey there,

I am so sorry to hear that you were dismissed about your concerns about possibly having PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) by both your therapist and doctor. Did either of them give you a reason why they don’t think you have it? Regardless of this I want you to know that you can always get a seconded or even a third opinion by another health professional. You know your body best and so if you feel like something is going on then it’s more than OK and normal to ask for help and advice from someone else.

It must be so frustrating that even your Mum even dismisses you and others in your life don’t take your period seriously. I myself notice differences when my period is coming but it’s nowhere near as serious or life impacting like you go through and experience. Usually I just eat junk and find that I have a very bad temper with people in my life and yell at them a lot, even when they have done nothing wrong!

Just an idea, but next time you feel as you do can you note down how you’re feeling, how your life is impacted both in the lead up to getting your period and throughout. Maybe if you’re able to write down this stuff for a few periods and then show it to the current professionals you see or even to a new professional for a second opinion then perhaps people will take you more seriously? Just an idea! It does suck though that you may have to do this just to have people listen to you and what you are going through/ experiencing every time you get your period!

I do have some good news for you though! There are some treatment options that can help you, and this includes something that you can do yourself, for example trying to do some physical exercise each day and put into place some stress management skills that you can use when things get bad. Other things that could be helpful is particular therapies such as CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) and certain medications can also be of help. Hopefully this can help give you some light for the future knowing that there are some things out there that can help with this condition if you do have it!

I also know that it can be quite easy to self-diagnose but it’s so important to not do this as there are different conditions out there that have similar symptoms that may require different treatment. For more of an over view on why we don’t suggest self-diagnosis can be found by clicking here.

I hope that all of this has been of some help and that you’re doing OK! Just remember that there is nothing wrong with asking another professional for a second opinion and it’s nothing to feel bad about!

I’m thinking of you!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #anonymous #PMDD #premenstrual dysphoric disorder #second opinion

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lostinafairytaleofchaos · 4 years

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Are you tired of hearing about our stories? I have given you glimpses into our journeys and relationship. Today I am feeling very thankful and grateful. As always, I write from my heart. Some of this may be repetitive from previous blogs, my apologies….

♥♥Today I am loving love, a place of peace ♥♥

What a difference makes when you hang in there

We embarked on a friendship, moved on to more, developing an “undefined” relationship. Continuously spending every spare moment with each other. This went on for a couple of months. Where would it lead us?

Neither intending on a romantic relationship in the beginning, merely someone to spend time with and talk to. Not realizing or knowing that after those months of sharing intimate details and very private thoughts, we would end up falling for each other.

Once I became ready for a relationship, thinking it was not possible with him, I contemplated dating others. I couldn’t see passed being with someone else. I felt like I knew him; although I really din’t. On a regular basis we were spending so much time together. How would I fit another man into my life? He had become a constant for me. I longed to see him, I couldn’t wait to touch him, I missed his smell when he was not around. Was he perfect? NO. He came with as many issues, as many as Vogue magazine. Full of emotional and abandonment issues. Fully unpacked luggage, carrying it around for quite some time. His baggage appeared to run a little deeper, in a different manner. I would tease that he was emotionally unavailable, not realizing how deep those wounds were really running. My abandonment issues caused an independent, dissociative, wall building woman, never allowing any man that I was having “relations” with to do anything for me. In my head, I would owe them something, they would hold it over me, own me or control me somehow. Like I was a prostitute. I despised the thought that someone could be or was doing something for me just to hold it over my head or use it as a form of a payback for themselves. If you are not doing it from your heart, don’t do it at all.

Once we were steadily seeing each other, still as an “undefined” couple, mentally I became compelled to self-sabotage this relationship. I overly analyzed his past occurrences; I was obviously insecure about those based on previous discussions. I compared myself to his previous relationships. The lost child in me was in fight or flight mode. Additionally, I was being judgmental towards him. I didn’t agree with his lifestyle prior to me. I didn’t agree with his behaviors that were spewing over into our relationship. I also did not have a right to give him an ultimatum nor did I have a right to dictate who his friends were. Does that ever work out? In my past relationships, I never questioned anything, I should have. I decided because we were “undefined”, I would try not to show emotions if I were upset with him talking about his exes too much. Figuring I wasn’t the one for him and he was still in love with them. I would hide my feelings to the point of shutting down when he mentioned still being friends with many. I spent my sessions talking to my psychologist about concerns. She encouraged honest and open communication and stop self sabotaging. My friends and some family knew I was seeing someone, they didn’t agree with the relationship. My only supporter being my psychologist. She kept telling me to hold on, be patient, don’t compare him to others, he isn’t his past. Remember that we all come with a past, express my concerns. She knew in advance that he was good for me. My psychologist would always ask about us in every session (and still does). My assumptions were eating me alive and the more I found out, the more I doubted the relationship.

We did everything but talk about his feelings for me. This bothered me to the core. Where was this going?

I recall when he received the keys to his house, the first thing he did was give me a key. Insisting on my comfort there. Leaving much of the decorating to me, not wanting me to leave. I was clueless as to what any of this meant.

Then came month four, Hidden is how I felt. Barely anyone knew about me nor our still “undefined” relationship. I considered on numerous occasions yet again, cutting the relationship off. I could not bring myself to do it.

I would look at him and see hope, I saw someone that had hidden love in them, potential, someone that needed to be loved for who they really were and just needed to be themselves in many ways, accepted, much like I needed.

Every day he taught me something new, not just knowledge about politics, the world, history, but about myself. He wasn’t the social person I dreamt about; his schedule made that difficult. My small circle categorized him as being anti-social in fact. They encouraged and insisted on me to dating others. I could not rationalize nor explicate my feelings of love and frustration to them, without sounding happy yet irritated, even confused with the situation. That was such a struggle.

I recall asking him at one point how he felt about me, his response, “I like you a lot”. My thought, “asshole”. I should prepare myself to leave now. I am wasting my time. I have told you my feelings and you just like me a lot? I was on fire.

I had made the choice to be with him, to not date others (not saying he had not done the same).

Devastation hits during the end of the fourth month we discovered he was dealing with a form of blood cancer, polycythemia vera. The illness did not sway my decision to stay with him. I knew in my heart, I loved him. I was not going anywhere. He had accepted my chronic illnesses. I wanted to help him, take this away from him, make his world better. I vowed to never miss a doctor’s appointment. I became very involved with his health. His illness would not be the demise of our relationship, his actions or lack there of would be. I was at least a good friend. I was a great caretaker, it is my nature.

Somewhere during this time period, finally I worked up the courage to express my feelings and the hurt over his statement of “liking me a lot”, holding nothing back, appearing just as a woman would appear, crazy! I clearly did not know where things stood. I don’t do subtle well. I can’t read between the lines. I mastered jumping to conclusions and assumptions. For months, I was the one openly discussing my feelings for him. I was saying “I love you”, “I am in love with you”, receiving absolutely zero reciprocation. Did he not recognize my commitment or did he not want a committed relationship? Maybe he just wanted a companion. That wasn’t for me. I began to pull away some.

I was going out more, hanging out a little bit with some old friends, trying to get my mind off of this “lack of relationship”. I knew where I wanted it to go, was it not getting there fast enough for me? I was wrong to do things I did in many ways. I was rude at times when he was nice. He encouraged me to go out, I told him who I was going with, I told him not to encourage it. I even stayed out a couple of nights. This was absolutely disrespectful, unacceptable, and irresponsible on my part. If the situation were reversed, I would not forgive it. I simply would walk out. I can admit to my faults. I know it was wrong. He didn’t hold it over my head; therefore, again I didn’t feel like he cared. This fueled my fire more. I can have a wild side, I despise it. It is destructive, impulsive, and reckless.

Then one day he said it, he loved me. Soon after he began showing it. From day one of our friendship, every conversation started with “how was your day?” or “how was your night?”, “what are you doing today?”.

This was a different feeling, there was a difference in his actions. Those questions never ceased, he was truly invested in wanting to know how I felt, he cared about my health, he cared about how much sleep I was getting, what I was eating properly, the amount of my activity, my stress levels, my overall well- being, people taking advantage of my time and willingness to help.

He predicted my flares before I could. He identified signs of my fatigue on days I was pushing through. We spend all free time together and honestly never bore of one another, YES, we ask each other. We are both free to have our own time, that is a given. We enjoy each others company.

We have talked about a future together. I can’t imagine a future with another. This relationship began at a slow pace and continues to slowly evolve. Many issues and concerns, I will still admit too. Including overcoming some of his past decisions, those are my issues, not his.

In a recent blog, I wrote about some things that were unsettling to me. What occurred after tolerating the behaviors related to those topics, came a vast amount of communication. Each time I believe I have let them go, there is a mention of an ex. The thoughts and frustrations come flashing back, they are embedded in my head. Each time, they become less and less irritating.

The things I love about him:

I love his snoring when we can sleep in the bed together, it soothes me. I love his smell, I love his breathing, I love how he constantly moves his feet when he is lying down, I love how he always wants to debate (not argue), I laugh it off, it is comical. His lack of understanding as to how intelligent he is. I love that he allows me to try to take care of him, while believing I haven’t a clue as to care for myself. I love that he tolerates my OCD, he laughs at me. He tolerated my paths of taking the long way around everything, because it alleviates my anxiety, it does increase his. I love that he accepts my chaotic mind and thoughts, when he just wants me to relax and be at peace. I love that he understands me or tries and sometimes pretends. I love our communication. We talk things through and work things out. I love that he wants to be a partner. I love that he is tolerant, I love that he is willing to compromises. I love that he loves me. He must by accepting my illnesses, my idiosyncrasies, my Google obsession, short lived hobbies, my attempts at cooking new things and ruining them, my budgeting attempts and lack there of, my emotions from time to time, my being “wanty” and needy for affection. I give him credit for growing throughout this year. He knows my wants and needs. He is becoming more affectionate, more attentive, geez, he pays attention to things I do not even think he is paying attention to now, other things that I may really need him to pay attention to (such as picking where we are going to eat or what we are having for dinner), not so much. He is trying, he is willing to try, he is willing to meet my needs as I am willing to meet his. This is a huge step for us both, to know what it truly feels like to be in a partnership.

Our conversations are hilarious. He makes me laugh so hard. We talk about and think about the dumbest things. If you heard some of them, you would literally believe we were in sane. We are both 90% home bodies, socially selective, kind of opinionated, outspoken, yet reserved, a little conscientious of how others may perceive us, it works. It’s our world. A world we made.

Look at the blessings gained compared to my worries! I have would have lost so much by jumping the fence during my time of skepticism. What if I would have left him for another man? That other man could have even more baggage and may not be as tolerable, patient, understanding, caring, or willing to compromise, communicate, be a true partner.

I am so glad that I continue to listen to my heart and my psychologist. I am glad I have this relationship. It feels healthy. It feels like no other. We can sit and do absolutely nothing and I am content with that. I am happy just to make him happy and he reciprocates. I have my future needs and wants. Who knows where this will lead? For now, I am just looking at our growth over a 14-month period it has it grown. He puts me first. He is not the same man that I worked with in 2010 that appeared angry and irritated, he is not the same man that I saw at that bar in 2013 who was a complete ass, he is not the same man that I began “hanging” out with in October of 2018. He is thoughtful, he is caring, he is in tune with my emotions. He is my best friend, my lover, my partner, my safe haven, my sounding board, my reasoning, my balance, my hope, my love. He is one of the easiest people I have ever lived with in my life. He is easy to be around. Our relationship is not perfect, it is growing. We are watering our garden so to speak.

So many times, we give up on love and go through life thinking that our past relationship failures should determine every relationship we come across. We think every person is the same. We become jaded, angry, insecure, skeptical, question motives. Often never taking a chance to try again, if you see hope, that is really all you need to see. The first time I talked to him, the first time I looked at him, never even thinking about a relationship with him, I saw hope. Little did I know, that hope, would bring me to this point! On the days that I thought about giving up, I also thought about what I would be giving up. I thought about what I could not live without.

So many say the first year is the “honeymoon stage”! NOT….

This first year we have faced misunderstandings, health issues on both sides, my insecurities, involvement and opinions from others, some ups and downs. We did that during those first 6-7 months. I think the “honeymoon stage” is simply bull.

I do live in my own world, openly admitting to it. I also live in reality now. In order to build and maintain a healthy relationship, both parties have to be willing to move forward together, understanding that they must accept changes as they come, whether it be in circumstances or in each other. It is simply two imperfect people learning to love each other the perfect way!

In my opinion, boyfriend/ girlfriend or marriage, if you are going to have that type of love and bond, nothing should change the building bricks. build a solid foundation, if both partners are on the same page the rest of the chapters will be written throughout time….

Don’t be afraid to love after you have been hurt.

Love is above all things the best healer

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Patience, Communication, Acceptance, Overcoming – Finding Hope Are you tired of hearing about our stories? I have given you glimpses into our journeys and relationship.

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socialscreen-blog · 7 years

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My OCD is Nicer Than Me

My clock has had a much steadier tick this past year. I can actually sit in silence, without worrying if my mind would start a war, in which I could not win. There was a time my only solace was in my dreams.

At one point more than half of my waking hours were consumed with my OCD. I was encapsulated with guilt, fear, and an urge to rectify these feelings inside of me. My OCD could be described as scrupulosity.

When my boyfriend and I started dating six years ago, he thought I was a normal, “cool” girl. I sure had fooled him. He was perfect. The kind of person childhood me would have flipped over. I mean, he was the Aaron Carter of my dreams.

I first told him about my OCD when we visited my childhood city, this city ignited my OCD like fireworks. He would notice my eyes glaze over, and I would become silent for a few minutes. Like a crazy hypnotized doll.

Now, I’d be lying if I said that this illness hasn’t really tested his patience, my patience, and our relationship. Sometimes I couldn’t cope, and I would take it out on him.

“Please, just say it.”

“I’m not a robot.”

“Please! Just once!”

OCD can be explained as an itch you can’t scratch. A feeling with the same restrictive qualities of putting jeans on after they just came out of the dryer. The more you focus on the discomfort the more prominent the feeling becomes.

My OCD has changed through the ages. When I was younger than 8, I remember not being able to make a definitive statement, without adding, “I think”, at the end of it. I had such a dark fear of accidentally lying, that even asking me, “How are you?” would send me into a tizzy. What if I said good, but I actually woke up a little grumpy? What if I woke up happy, but I’m forgetting a part during my day that wasn’t good? Then I would be a liar, and a liar was a terrible thing to be.

When I was a little older I realized that an eating disorder had a really beautiful quality to it. And if you're thinking, “This chick is sick? Who would ever say having an eating disorder is a beautiful thing! Children could read this, and think this is a good idea!” Here me out, I do not think eating disorders are beautiful. In fact having an eating disorder lead me to trying to take my life twice. However, the quality I loved about it was, it was trackable. My OCD wasn’t suspended in the “What if world?”, I knew if the scale said I lost weight, then I had in fact lost weight. I could count to fulfill my compulsion.I could see results. I could count my spine notches and I could feel proud in my accomplishments. Their was no arguing. If I ate less, I weighed less, if I counted my calories, I could count on results. This was of course great, until it wasn’t. I had put my mother into a depressive state, I had put huge strain on my family, and on my body. My mother had even resorted to putting flavorless protein powder into my diet Pepsi, in hopes for me to get enough nutrition, and to put on some weight. The thing about this OCD was it was tangible, and sometimes I feel myself yearning for that kind of reality.

Now as an adult, my OCD still sometimes drifts back to food, and how I can control it so easily. Mostly though my OCD chose to pick on something with a more mentally torturing aspect. My relationship with God came into the view. If I thought a mean thought, I would need to pray. If I heard someone use God’s name in vain, I would pray. If I said something mean, even if by accident, I would pray. I would get so much anxiety over accidentally hurting someones feelings.I would worry that if I did not pray over my thoughts, that I would get punished. Now, here’s the difference between me and my illness. I do not believe in the same God as my OCD does. I believe in a kind God, I believe that there is no hell, and I believe that God’s intention is never to punish, but to teach. My OCD made me not want to be human, I wanted to be so effortlessly kind and nice, but it was so much work. People would get annoyed with me as I refrained from saying negative things, little did they know that if I did, the rest of my night would be spent torturing myself.

But, as I said at the start, my OCD has now started to get much better. The control I have over my brain is so much stronger now. “But how did you fix it?”, you might ask. Well, this leads me to the darkest place I have ever been in life. Last year was hell on earth. I lost my dad to Cancer. During the period of him dying my OCD flared up. I would pray that God would take my life instead, I would ask a hundred times to please not take my dad. I would throw myself to the ground in hope that God would hear me.I thought by some way praying more would give me the power to save my dad. That’s not what happened.

Some would think I would stop believing in God, or be really mad at God. I would be lying to say that I wasn’t really mad at God for awhile, but I never stopped believing him. Instead, I took this as an opportunity to repair my relationship with God. My OCD had really started to destroy that relationship. Also, if my dad was in heaven, my only communication to him would be through prayer. I couldn’t clog those lines with meaningless torturous prayers, when I could be using it to communicate. This helped repair my belief in the God I believed in, and this helped me find comfort in my fathers death. This was the final gift my dad gave me, a clearer mind. So even though my OCD is not completely gone, I now have an undoubtable reason to fight it. My brain is the pipeline to my happiness, and I will constantly try and keep it flowing. I will not be a robot any longer. Even though my OCD made me a nicer person, I would rather be nicer because I feel like it, not because I feared the consequence.

#God #mental health #mental illness #mental disorder #ocd #dad #boyfriend #war #depressing thoughts #strength #change

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