#in this lockdown thing this is an accomplishment) i decided: fuck it i am not gonna do this. i am stopping stressing about it.

[woosansang]

henlo my beloveds!! i cannot believe that an entire year has passed in which not a single day goes by where i dont think about, listen to, watch, or fawn over (or all of the above) the most amazing group of young artists that i’ve ever had the pleasure of loving.

below the cut you will find some unnecessary emotional babbling about my short but amazing time as an atiny and some words of love to some of the people on this website who have contributed to that happiness. (fair warning: it is really fucking long i am so sorry and i do not expect many people to read it. tags and messages are at the bottom if that’s what you’re here for)

a week or so from today marks my first anniversary of being part of atinyblr, but it was on the fateful day of saturday july 17th 2021 that i watched my very first piece of ateez content and fell head over heels for fireworks!yeosang.

over 6000 tumblr posts later (what can i say? when ya boy obsesses, she oBsESsEs alright), and here we are. tumblr user woosansang who had previously not changed their url for SIX YEARS breaks tradition for Some Guys. smh @ myself at how whipped i am. @/bowtiescarves, you had a good run.

while yeosang captured my attention literally instantly, some of you know how utterly in denial i was about my san bias, which manifested itself within mere days of discovering them, yet it took me over six months to acknowledge how much he affected me. seonghwa joined the bias line second, officially, but then he got kicked out after deja vu because apparently i can’t take him seriously when he’s got pink hair or something idk. anyway, for all of one week i was posting about yeosang, san and seonghwa. and then i discovered inception era wooyoung and my life was basically over then. like. fucking goodbye jazzy lol LOL.

i remember listening to compilations of jongho singing for hours. i remember being so upset that they came to australia back in 2019 before i really even knew what kpop was at all and feeling like i’d missed my chance (cut to me now, kind of considering a wholeass holiday to korea for the sole purpose of seeing them live). i remember watching every. single. thanxx stage. GOD. those first few weeks were wild.

then i made my first ateez gifs. of seonghwa of all people. and since then, i have made more gifs and gifsets in the past year than the previous seven or eight years of being a casual content creator combined. (like i said, i’m insanely obsessed but wcyd)

outside of tumblr, i am a dancer, and after only knowing of ateez for a few weeks, my sister (who introduced me to them) and i decided that we were going to cut together a mashup song and learn a bunch of their choreographies to perform at our dance school’s annual concert in 2021. lockdowns and restrictions meant that we ended up learning and teaching this dance to our friend almost entirely online, and if i’m being completely honest here, our ateez dance was one of the only things that kept me happy during all the time spent stuck at home. like. combine dance and my current hyperfixation and you get one happy jazzy. we weren’t perfect by any means, but i was so so proud of our little trio for what we managed to accomplish (i think most of you have already seen my dance but if you want, you can dm me and i’ll send you the link if you want to watch!). our dance was ridiculously well recieved by the audience and i cannot remember ever being happier on stage then when i was performing to ateez’s music. it’s wild how serotonin works hey.

the past year of my life has been hectic, especially this last six months with my new job, and ateez has been the main thing that’s kept me going strong this whole time. they make me so happy, and the friends i have made through them make me so happy as well <3 i am so grateful that i found them and fell in love with them when i did <3

if you read all of that.... wow im so sorry i dont know how to be concise to save my life bsdhfbsd

now because i am me and i am physically incapable of keeping things short and sweet, there are just a few people that i want to say some stuff to that i’m sure they already know but i’m a sap so i’m gonna say it again. behold:

@hwanswerland fio bro idk what to say here tbh you know we are both too awkward and stupid for saying nice things to each other but i guess i have to bc i like you or something </3 fr though you know i do love talking to you, i love sending you stupid shit and bad hwa screenshots and random photos i find on twitter that either i’ve cried over or i know you will cry over. i love how we revel in each other losing our minds over some guys. and i also love how easy it has always been to be real with you, how well we clicked when we first started talking and how much i love waking up to random text essays from you overnight. thank you for listening to my bullshit and giving me your own right back. thank you for understanding my dislike of exclamation marks. thank you for being someone who actually likes to communicate about things if we ever take issue with something or just need clarification because we’re being stupid about some feelings or whatever. thank you for being you. i dont remember how we even became friends but i’m incredibly thankful that it happened. i guess. idk. you’re boring and i hate you. that’s more like it <333333

@sanhwaiting megan <3 beloved <3 bubble tea buddy <3 evil demon friend <3 we havent talked as much lately since we are such busy bees but i love you all the same! thank you especially for being such a kind and welcoming presense in atinyblr when i first stuck my toes into this fandom, for helping me with random cc stuff, for being such a sweet and constant presence in my notifs, for sending me so much stuff that i had to create tags just to keep track of my own suffering </3 i miss our little chats and i hope we can get back to them soon <333 ilysm <3

@hwanwooyoung chey my dearest, i hope you are having an amazing day today because you deserve the world <3 i self proclaimed myself as your emotional support mutual and while i don’t always manage to hold up that promise, i hope you know that i’m subconsiously sending you love and support every day! you’re such a beautiful person and i just want the universe to see that and give you everything you want in life <3 ilysm beloved, thank you for always being there for me <3 <3 <3

@ocean-dreamer-sky-chaser elise beloved!! i love you so much my love <3 im so glad we accidentally became friends lmao i love that i can leave rants in your dms whenever i need to and that we both feel comfortable enough to have deep and meaningful conversations and help each other out, or simply support each other and know we have each others’ backs. and also then i can come screaming about being on my knees for woosan just to have you go “same *faints*” HDSFJHSDK also love that we are both into fic lol it’s nice to have someone helplessly flailing with me about it <3333

@applejongho anne i think you’re just about the coolest person i know. even though we’ve only started talking properly quite recently, you’ve always been an awesome precense in atinyblr and i absolutely love how easy it is to chat to you about the most random shit. also MATH BUDDY LETS GO NERDS <33

@hanjesungs jay, although not really that deep in atinyblr anymore, you remain an awesome friend with knowledge on the most obscure things that i come to you to talk about, whether that be some random ass stage jisung did a year ago or how to build a computer from scratch, you always seem to know exactly what i need lmfao. thank you for teaching me about skz!! you and a few others truly opened my eyes to how fucking awesome they are. we should do another watch sesh soon <3 thank you for also always being there at whatever random hour i start vagueposting on tumblr, you show up in my messages with your love and support and distractions and i love you for it. you really need to get to bed at a reasonable time one of these days though HJDFSJDHF LOVE YOU <3

@blueberrysan shay!!! i love you so much <333 tbh, you are the heart of my life as an atiny, no doubt. you are the sweetest most precious angel and i wish we talked more but we’re both so stupidly shy it’s almost annoying sdjfsd thank you for also introducing me to svt and mr yoon jeonghan! i can’t thank you enough for all of the sweet messages and asks you’ve sent me, the little gifts here and there that i treasure. you’re so fucking lovely shay and i am so glad i am priviliged enough to know you <3 <3 <3

@hyunfelix dani im so glad we found each other again after being mutuals via stranger things without even talking to each other and then somehow being into some of the same kpop groups like a year or two later??? crazy how that happened. we need to come up with some kind of phonecall schedule lmao because we’re always missing each other being online but i love talking to you so much, it’s kind of like talking to myself but with an american accent BHSABD ilysm <3 text me again sometime pls <3333

a smol and special mention to sofie @seonghw-a and simi @yuggietual for the yeotent that i first found when searching for ateez content on tumblr lol, you guys were probably the first ccs i followed on here so you’re my og atinyblr crushes i guess sbdfjhf thanks for all your service to the yeo stans of this world <3

also a smol and special mention goes to the amazing work done by romi @songmingki providing atinys everywhere with content that we would not otherwise be able to access. i thank you internally every time i watch, save, gif, or simply drool over something you’ve uploaded. thank you so much <3

some other beloveds who i haven’t really spoken to much but deserve an honourable mention for making atiny and atinyblr incredible are @97choi @abiaswreck @ateezbiased @bvlnoriyas @dejawoos @jeongyunho99 @mangomingki @ortali @sanshine @seonghwaminho @soppa @lee--felix @woojoongz @wouyoung @xuseokgyu (i am so so sorry if i forgot anyone, it’s late and my brain is fried today)

last but not least, any non-mutuals who happen to be reading this, hi hello thanks for following my insane journey through stanning these silly, talented, gorgeous boys. i hope to stay here for a long time <3

thanks for coming to my ted talk. keep stanning ateez everyone <3

#jazzy's first atinyversary #dont rb #jfc this is a long ass post i am so sorry #but im just so so so so so so so sososo so so oooosoo happy to be here on this platform with these amazing people #i am so happy i found ateez #and i just want to scream about them all the time and you guys let me do that and just nod and pat me on the head like Ok Jazzy. #except fio. u bully the shit out of me </3 #anyway HDFSDJKF if u read the whole thing lmk cause im certain it's way too long to be interesting to anyone lmfaooo #pls dont rb though!! replies are appreciated <3

[finaledenialist]

you know what i decided i don't want 'back to normal after covid thing'. because it wasn't fucking normal. i want things to change and capitalism to DIE

#i am extra salty today so here's the rest of todays story because i had a major breakdown today and it was UGLY #i am so fucking overwhelmed with elearning in uni bc they assign us so much stuff to write now and i wouldn't be that mad if it wasn't so mu #*so much or if we had conditions to do this at home #like i don't even have my own room and i always did my essays in library or something because i can not focus at home for the love of god it #it's too loud and messy #and you know how many past-deadline essays i have yet to write? a bazilion. and not to mention i was to get my degree this year #but it requires wiritng a thesis and guess what - i don't have time energy or silent conditions to do it #so after smoking half of a pack of cigarettes because i had a serious breakdown today (wow i survived without a breakdown for 30 days straig #in this lockdown thing this is an accomplishment) i decided: fuck it i am not gonna do this. i am stopping stressing about it. #if uni will make me problems i will move heaven and hell write every petition do everything to prove #that it's because the elearning thing SUCKED ASS AND IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO DO THE ASSIGNMENTS i am unable. i am physically and mentall #mentally UNABLE to continue living under that much stress for another... month? months? things won't just magically #and snap back to normal! and we should stop pretending they will! THE STRESS IS EATING ME FROM THE INSIDE OUT #and i can joke all i want about spending days thinking about fictional characters and all but always #in the back of my head there are USELESS ESSAYS TO WRITE that won't even be properly graded and the effort to write them #won't be noticed because lecturers are also human beings and how many papers can you focus on while grading??? #we were not assigned this much when we were having normal classes because this is the last year the last semester of our studies #and we were supposed to focus on our thesis and development !!! and i can't do that because all the materials #THAT I NEDD TO WRITE MY THESIS are in the library !!! that is closed!!!!! I AM SO ANGRY my fury has literally no limits #i refuse to live lika that under constant stress u can get cancer from this shit #personal #ugh sorry but like if anyone read all of this know that i am very sorry pls ignore me i am just having a shitty day #:((((( #gonna reblog some destiel stuff

[sweet-evie]

The Emperor's Wish: My Personal Favorite [Fanfic Commentary #10]

Fanfic AO3

His final judgment is at hand. The price is set and the plan is in motion. But Emperor Lelouch uncovers his lover's secret, and it will haunt him beyond his own death.

[FANFIC COMMENTARY]

Legit, I’m proud of this one. I don’t know why… Probably not the best either. But this was incredibly self-indulgent, and hey, it turned out so well. Would you find it funny if I told you that this fic premise was in my head ever since I wanted to write for CLuCLu? Like, after watching the movie, I was always imagining how it would pan out so differently if Lelouch had a child, and C.C. is left to care for her lover and her son. 

This is my baby and my pride and joy. My only one probably 😅 There are lots of made-up quotes in that fic that I’m really (and I mean, really proud of, and I don’t say that often because my writing is ~Hit or miss~ )

Unlike One Day at a Time, this one took a genuine effort to understand characters and how they would react in this what-if situation I created in my fucked up head. 🤣😂

It was written during the thick of quarantine and lockdown last year (April 2020), and I guess that helped fuel my timeliness and speedy updates. Because I was writing fanfic for the majority of the day, with minimal breaks in-between. Some of the reviewers on FFN can attest to the daily updates I had for The Emperor’s Wish.

It started as a one-shot with the Prologue, as my way of testing the waters. When I felt secure and sure that I could finish it, I went headfirst, never looked back, and came out of the other side, proud of myself for not abandoning a WIP 😅. But that was also because I had so much fun with it. It was nice to imagine a world where Lelouch had proper closure with his friends and family.

My favorite moment from The Emperor’s Wish (aside from the blatant CLuCLu romance) is Lelouch and Suzaku’s relationship. I love how I wrote them there. I love their bromance, as well as the subtle Ned Stark & Robert Baratheon allusion towards Chapter 11: Rewriting the Stars.

Suzaku never had a brother. And Lelouch never truly liked any of his… But even if they weren't bound by blood, theirs was a bond built on so much more.

For you are the brother I chose…

Perchance if some reader is as obsessed and familiar with George R. R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire as me, then I bet they would have caught that… Or not. And it was simply self-satisfaction for the writer. Either way, I. Don’t. Regret. It.

And of course, I loved writing it mostly because of the star of that fanfic: Alexander Lamperouge himself. 🤩

He’s now in my Sims 4 universe, as a spellcaster. 😂

My Loves and Regrets

I LOVE how I wrote Nunnally here, honestly. She’s not a character I’d imagine that I could ever pull off flawlessly, and while I don’t think I accomplished the ‘flawless’ part, I think I did a decent job fleshing out her reaction and what a decent conversation with her older brother and C.C. could have gone like, also her reaction to finding out she had a nephew.

I REGRET that I didn’t get to write a lot about Lelouch’s other friends -- Shirley, Milly, & Rivalz, to be honest. It just felt so out of left field for me to force their story somewhere in the fanfic retelling considering the entire story did revolve around the CLuCLu family. In my own way, I tried writing more for the three of them separately, but that didn’t push through, because for some reason my brain doesn’t work. The only one I made a decent attempt at is Shirley, but I didn’t publish the fic either. It was about her meeting with Lelouch again after a year or two. It was set somewhere in Dubai. She was supposed to meet his son, and see C.C. again, and the ending was supposed to have C.C. and Shirley hugging and Shirley tells C.C. to take care of Lelouch. It was a very bittersweet one-shot/drabble/plot idea that was never publicized.

I LOVE my shoddy attempt at drawing parallels between certain scenes in The Emperor’s Wish. One of the readers, Kurosawa Ayumi, actually caught it and mentioned it in a review. It was the scene where Alexander was playing with his Knightmare toys (Lancelot & Gawain), and how Lancelot was cleaved in half from being accidentally thrown or dropped, and then how Jeremiah put him back together again. And then I transitioned to the annals of the prison in Grahlbad where Lelouch and Suzaku were about to confront each other after two years of not speaking and assuming one was dead.

I REGRET that The Emperor’s Wish isn’t longer. Like, I wish I took the plunge to create complicated twists, but it just… didn’t feel right at that time, you know? 😅🤔 Considering how I framed the fanfic as a retelling and reimagination of Re;surrection’s plot from the start, I feel like it would be too far-out to suddenly make things overly complicated than they already are. Also, there literally wasn’t much information available about Shamna, Shalio, and the rest at the time.

I LOVE the scenes I added in the fic, and the ones I put my own fanfic twist on. Re;surrection was a movie, so for obvious reasons, there’s time constraints and not as much time to flesh out characters like in a series. I tried doing that in my own way in this fic, and whether I succeeded at adding believable details to their interactions or not, it’s up to the reader. I’m just relieved that I actually managed to pull it off, given how sucky I am lately.

The Epilogue

The epilogue for The Emperor’s Wish went through a lot of rewrites.

At one point, it was supposed to overtly show the CLuCLu family traveling through Georgia, Lebanon, etc., and about how exhausting and challenging it was to hunt Geass fragments, gather intel, and take care of a baby at the same time. But I scratched it in favor of the first scene in the epilogue that we have now -- which is Suzaku and Nunnally discussing the latest Black Knight report, and the convenience of the entire operation because L.L. and C.C. were involved in some ways.

Hence the lines:

"They were responsible for stopping that criminal, weren't they?" She asked even when she already knew the answer.

"Highly likely. Probably stripped him of his powers before they abandoned him to be caught by the Black Knights."

And then I decided to take the steamy-but-not-really route for the final scene. The vague lovey-dovey between Lelouch and C.C. There was also a slightly vague allusion to them getting married underneath a poplar tree.

Plus, the last line was the cherry on top of my favorite fic so far:

— professing over and over again how fortunate and how blessed he was to have and to hold her for better or for worse…

And not even Death was powerful enough to tear them apart.

And on that note,

It wasn’t the longest fic I would ever write, nor is it the best, but it’s definitely one of my favorites. 😊😍🥰 And I loved every second of writing it. 🥳

#code geass #fanfiction #the emperor's wish #lelouch x c.c. #c.c. x lelouch #cluclu #lulucc #lelouch vi britannia #c.c. (code geass) #lelouch of the resurrection #fukkatsu no lelouch #wbad blog #wbad fanfiction #fanfiction commentary

[myevilmouse]

2020 Fic Year In Review

This disaster year was my second of writing fanfic for the Star Wars fandom, focused as always on my handsome Jedi and charismatic Grand Admiral.  Here’s the same thing I did last year:  basically share the idea of the fic I wanted to write and the result of what came out of that idea.

Because I don’t outline or plan, it is often as much a surprise to me as to my readers as to where the story winds up.  But I enjoy the magic that is surrendering to the muse / autonomous typing hands, so I doubt that will change anytime soon.

Context:  2020 began with the fic whining circle’s discussion of the sad dearth of blowjobs for Luke Skywalker in fandom.  We resolved to remedy this with the creation of the Luke Deserves All The Blowjobs Challenge, our 12-month mission to provide our man with 12 blowjobs, detailed lovingly for your (and his) pleasure.  We all agreed to contribute and so my first offering was:

1.    Anomaly

Idea:  In 2019, I participated in the Star Wars Rare Pairs Fic Exchange.  Shanlyrical had requested the pairing of Guri/Luke, which I’d never considered.  I didn’t get assigned that one (I got assigned Thrawn/Original Art Forger), but the idea stayed with me.  The blowjob challenge was the perfect opportunity.

Result:  A one-shot I am quite proud of, written from droid POV attempting to seduce our Jedi (who is quite difficult to seduce damn his perfect ass), full of technical and cyborgian terminology.  Since shanlyrical had put the ship in my brain, it was gifted to her.

2.  Comfortable

Idea:  Write an “old married Skywalkers” smutfic for a Valentine’s Day gift to my Luke/Mara cohorts.

Result:  A rather florid one-shot that is overstuffed with choice adjectives and bursting at the seams with love for my Jedi’s happy ever after.

3.  The Problem With Prophecy

Idea:  Write a Thrawn/Pryce fic for the Thryce Discord’s Valentine’s Day.  The prompts shifted, from “blind date” to “soulmates” or maybe vice versa as a theme.  I had already started it when the prompt changed so made them both work.

Result:  Another “how they got together fic” (of which I seem to write many for Thryce) that was a lot of fun to write, with a little contemplation about free will vs destiny in there.

4.  Proxy

Idea:  The Luke Deserves All The Blowjobs Challenge needed more fic, and no one wrote that Asajj Ventress/Luke pairing I had requested for SW rarepairs 2019… *cracks knuckles*  If you want something done, gotta do it yourself!

Result:  This was an interesting challenge.  Whilst I typically attempt to create scenarios for Luke to bang all the ladies that are SOMEWHAT realistic, I decided the only way to make this happen was to assume whatever plot was required to set this up had already occurred, so it starts *cough* right before the action, so to speak.  I also sort of low-key ship Ventress/Kenobi (what is that called?  Ventrobi?) so operated throughout with the idea that since she couldn’t have Obi-Wan, she was settling for another Jedi as a plaything.  Since I used only pronouns for Ventress in the fic, I suppose the reader could imagine any wicked woman or Nightsister or whomever on the other end of Luke’s cock, but in my brain it’s Asajj and she is a lucky woman (and Luke is a lucky man).  Anyway, it was probably one of my least popular fics this year but I still like it!

5.  Thranto 400 Works Celebration Ficlet (Ch 3:  Everything To Lose)

Idea:  @jessko-fic​  asked me to contribute to this collection to commemorate the Thrawn/Vanto ship hitting 400 works on AO3.  Me:  Slash?!?!

Result:  I don’t write slash in general because I just…don’t really enjoy it, doesn’t float my boat or melt my butter, although so often I wish that weren’t the case.  I have read a lot of Thranto thanks to Jess’s evil influence though, and thought I could tackle this ship.  I wanted to write something exactly 400 words for the 400 works thing, and the result was a little “missing scene” that I hope was true to the spirit of the collection while also slotting into Thrawn and Eli’s storyline.

6.  Creativity

Idea:  For The May The Fourth fic exchange, try to hit my giftee’s likes and stuff as many MacGyver-inspired easter eggs as possible into the story.

Result:  14 “original series” MacGyver-isms crammed into this thing, including winks and nods to names and dates, and  plenty of Luke and Mara banter to accompany the mission. One of my most researched fics this year and one of the most fun to write!  And my giftee loved it, which is the best result possible.

7.  Physical Graffiti

Idea:  Agreed to a one-on-one fic exchange with @jessko-fic​, since we never get matched in “regular” exchanges.  She requested Luke x Sabine, which tied in perfectly to my never-ending goal of Luke x All The Ladies.

Result:  A (hopefully) sexy multi-chapter that required a lot of research on timelines to get them together for this “missing scene” and Mandalorian stuff.  My septuagenarian mom has proclaimed it’s her favorite of any of my stories, so I call it a success.  O_O  Yes, she reads my fic.

8.  Strangers When We Meet

Idea:  Write a reader-insert fic for @enmudecer​.  I love setting challenges for myself, and writing a smutty reader insert was something entirely new to tackle.

Result:  I think reader inserts sometimes get a bad name but they can be a lot of fun.  I avoided the (y/n) convention because I find it pulls me out of the story, tried hard to keep it gender neutral, and hopefully everyone who reads it can feel like they just banged Luke Skywalker 😉 Also I have a long-standing goal of writing songfic, and while I didn’t do it here, at least the title is from a Bowie song that seemed appropriate.  So not just my first reader-insert, my first song-titled-fic!

9.  Infectious

Idea:  The Thryce Discord, and in particular @handsofthrawn​, had been asking/lobbying me for ages about writing a quarantine fic since the world was in lockdown.

Result:  Well, this is what I achieved this year, when I look back at what I accomplished.  My longest fic ever, and a particularly ambitious premise of getting from an awkward, miserable (and hopefully realistic) fuck-or-die scenario to a happy ever after for my evil OTP.  I unashamedly love this story and I’m so happy and grateful to the readers who loved it with me—their comments and kudos gave me life when the stress of reality made me want to curl into a defensive little ball and hide for the rest of the year.

10.  Evilmousetober 2020

Idea:  I couldn’t choose what X-tober prompts to use for my October drabbles this year, so I used whatever felt right that day.

Result:  A compilation of my tumblr drabbles from various October prompts.

11. Dis Manibus

Idea:  I am not going to write this fic.  I am not going to write this fic.  Crack and ridonc and no way is there any conceivable way it would work.  And then I wrote it.  The basic concept as my muse nagged me was to write the “nightmare comfort” trope with Luke and Pryce.  WHY?! I HAVE NO IDEA I DON’T CONTROL THIS BITCH.  Anyway, the idea wouldn’t go away.

Result:  This fic is the perfect exhibit of how I never know what the heck is going to happen when I start writing.  Everything was a surprise to me, including the Thryce element to what was SUPPOSED to be a Luke/Pryce fic.  Also I didn’t get the smut I wanted.  *curses*  But I like it anyway and it worked, timing-wise, for Halloween-y themes.

12.  Alone Time

Idea:  After swearing not to write fic for the rest of the year, @contentment-of-cats​ put out her Merry Chissmas bingo card and my ambitious ass decided to try to knock every single prompt out with a one-shot.

Result:  Thrawn jerking off in the shower and thinking verrrrrry naughty things.  I apologize for nothing.

So in 2019 I wrote 26 fics and this year only got to about 12…but fanfic is for fun, and we all needed fun this year.  I enjoyed writing for you and I hope you enjoyed reading my output.  I look forward to providing more smexy silly and strange fic for you in 2021.  <3

#luke skywalker #grand admiral thrawn #mara jade #arihnda pryce #MacGyver #sabine wren #thryce #governor pryce #thrawn #tropes #fanfic is for fun #myfic #fandom #fic exchange #the gift of smut #luke x reader #Guri #asajj ventress #luke x all the ladies #welcome to my kinks #fuck or die #romance #too many things to tag here #I love you all

[waiting4inspiration]

So, I guess I should explain my absence for the past week...

It’s kind of an emotional story, and I’m battling to decide if I should just give short details as to not burden you guys about what’s going on in my life, or if I should just explain everything. 

I think it’s best to be frank and explain everything, that way, the reason for my absence is more justifiable. 

If you don’t want to read this, I will put everything below the ‘keep reading’, that way, you can ignore it easily.

But, long story short: I realize my mother is a toxic mother, I feel like a slave in my house, and I’m battling with self-harm and suicidal thoughts...

So, it started on Saturday, last week. I went to a friend’s house to catch up, play a few card games, have some drinks. And, we had like a DMC at 4am, talking about personal things. I told her everything that my mother had been doing as well as the current situation at home. And I’ve also been doing some research and I came to a conclusion about my mother that might have been obvious, but it really only hit me last weekend. 

My mother is a toxic, and narcissistic mother. 

Sunday, when I came home after sleeping over by my friend (because I wasn’t going to drive after having a few drinks), I was told by my mother that I’m rude because I didn’t say hello to her boyfriend - who, by the way, has never said hello to me first when I come home or when he comes home. Not to mention that I was slightly hungover and just wanted to sleep, so her words that I was rude really hurt me even more. 

This entire week, I’ve been dreading waking up and getting out of bed, scared of what my mother could say next to me. And I was right to feel that way. 

The common formality of say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ no longer exists with my mother. She doesn’t use those words anymore and it’s making that feeling that I’m a slave in my own house grow stronger. And even when she does say ‘please’ it feels like she doesn’t mean it. I always get told that they never get coffee anymore and granted that it might be a joke, it’s not the right time to make those jokes. I have to makes coffee for my mom and her boyfriend at least 4 times a day and if I don’t, my mother does this sighing thing and mutters under her breath that ‘she does everything in this house’. 

I’m ordered to sweep the house everyday, even though I know I have to because that’s a responsibility that I’ve taken because it’s my dog that sheds so much, so it’s my dog’s hair that’s on the floor. But I don’t have to be reminded to do that every day. 

I have to do dishes everyday. And my family doesn’t think that rinsing off their plates will make it easier for me, so I have to end up scrubbing ever single fucking plate. 

When my mother does something, she makes as if it’s a strenuous chore, sighs loudly and almost throws everyone around, making me feel bad and guilty that I haven’t done what she’s doing.

I’m tired. I’m emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually tired. But my tiredness isn’t valid to my mother or my family. They’re always ‘more’ tired than what I am, just because of the fact that I don’t have a job, so therefore, I have no reason to be tired. Apparently. 

All this has made my depression come back. And I’m so sick of constantly feeling tired, feeling the same things every day, that it’s making me thinking of self-harming again. And I thought that getting a tattoo over my past self-harm scars would make me feel better or like I’ve accomplished something, but it only reminds me of the times when things were bad and reminding me that there’s a way, even if it’s fucked up, to feel human again. 

And then comes the thought that this can all go away if I just...end it. 

So, I haven’t had the strength or energy for social media this week, I haven’t have energy to scroll through tumblr, or replying to messages or asks and stuff like that. I haven’t really had the energy to write any of the fuckload of WIPs I’ve got going on. I live in constant anxiety that I’m going to do something wrong and that’s going to make my mother explode and shot and stuff, that I don’t have the strength to do anything else. 

It’s clear that the only person she cares about in this house is herself, and her boyfriend. Which is why, I’ve decided that when this lockdown is over, when my sister gets married next year and moves out, I’ll probably be moving out too and I’ll be going to live with my dad and my stepmom.

The truth is, I've never felt more alone in my entire life than I have this whole week. And I feel like I'm a terrible person, a terrible friend to some, and I hate myself. My mind ends up chanting 'I hate myself I hate myself' every night when I go to bed, and I cry myself to sleep.

And I just want to die.

Anyway, so, that’s why I haven’t been active this week, but I really appreciate everyone’s concerns and how you’re all checking in to make sure I’m okay.

I’m not okay, but I’ll get there. I hope...

#tw: mentions of suicide #tw: self harm #tw: toxic family #tw: toxic parents #tw: toxic mother #does this count as abuse #update on me #sorry i haven't been active #but i'm suffering

[kxowledge]

Today is my birthday. Saying I become 23 today is incorrect: I have been becoming 23 during the past year; today I start becoming 24, which is a scary thought in itself – time will go on, but will anything change? what’s ahead of me? will I ever be able to reach the heights I aspire to?

Recently my life fell to pieces. These things happened: loss of confidence, unemployment, and a pandemic which forced to a halt any plan I had for the upcoming months. (This is a reference to Jenny Slate’s Little Weirds. My life did not fall to pieces, instead I am still wallowing in a limbo that only taste like mediocrity, which might even be worse.)

Ironically, last time I logged onto tumblr I was trying to post more / answer tag games on time / etc & on the same day I finished editing a personal post which was to symbolize a new period – then the next day my laptop broke down. Like a big joke or a big fuck you from the universe.

I managed (and do not underestimate the effort required to accomplish this feat during a nationwide lockdown in a foreign country where you don’t speak the language and where amazon is not an option) to find an interim solution and submit a request for financial aid for IT material which just got approved. I’m allowing myself to log in again & forget that the past month ever happened.

I want to be different. I want things to change. I want I want I want – it’s a soft cry, or maybe it’s a prayer: I hope I have what it takes.

What follows is what I originally wrote, almost a month ago:

I am not the person I want to be – and I fear I don’t have what it takes to become what I envision. While I know I am the only obstacle here, that makes it worse because what if I’ll never be able to overcome myself? what if I am not made for excellence? This is all I have to say. This is what I avoided writing for weeks. It is a reasoning that goes against my beliefs, but it hits me so fucking hard and I am paralyzed.

I submitted my undergrad thesis proceedings to a conference, meaning that my paper underwent a process of peer-reviewing which resulted in some very useful feedback. Both reviewers describe it as ‘early stage’, praise what I am doing but remark that the methodology falls short of academic standards (which I already knew because I was lacking resources). This had a rather strong impact on myself because it made me realise how indeed I am only at an “early stage” and not ready to apply to PhD programs – I can’t even write my statement of purpose (even though I know what topic I am interested in, I don’t know how) or abide by deadlines.

Which brings me to the other important thing: I am applying at the last minute to the MA program I knew already I loved. This is a symptom of the bigger problem because this type of behaviour is conductive only to missed opportunities and failures. It’s not just about applying and getting into a master’s program – after that there are going to be applications over applications and I need to be able to do it. Yet I have arrived at the last minute to apply to the program I love?  I have unanswered emails dating weeks ago? I fail to keep in contact with my friends? I delay even job applications if they require me to put in a minimal amount of effort? The truth is I am not ready: I still have much work to do on myself. I decided not to apply – but postponing my application needs to be not a matter of delaying, but a way to take action.

I exhibit the same behaviour in other areas of my life; take bipolar disorder for example: I had resolved to talk to a doctor and started the application to register with a surgery back in September, but never went through with it except in January. There wasn’t enough time then, but I resolved to do it when I was going to come back to the UK – which was supposed to be this May, but it will definitely not be so. And of course I went through a depressive episode (still ongoing? I don’t know this feels more like existential despair).  In short, I am setting up myself for failure and it has to stop.

I am not close to the level of excellence I want to be at – academically, but in other ways as well. Rather, I would describe myself as mediocre. Somehow staying afloat.

I don’t actually have a vision, I don’t know what I am doing, and I’m letting everything pass by.

I miss the period of my life when I was focused, determined & filling my life with beautiful things (I miss seeing museums and art and architecture and travelling – though of course I am glad that everything is closed and travel is restricted in order to stop the spread of the virus, yet I can’t stop feeling frustrated and unsatisfied).

In order to move in a different direction I need to focus on this vision.  I feel directionless, but the truth is that I am afraid of putting in some effort. I know what I want. I just lost track of it. I need to get in touch with it – write it down and remind myself of it every week.

And I need to eliminate the time wasted ‘getting ready’ which is only procrastination and avoidance. Instead, act. Let’s stop this wallowing.

#p #2020p

[redisriding]

Tell us about yourself!

Yikes! So I didn't really know where to begin with this one, Well I was born on the banks of the river... Nah! So I googled “fun get to know me questions” and the resulting questionnaire had 371 questions. I decided to answer the first 100!

Strap yourself in, because HERE WE GO! 

1. What is your full name?

Red is Riding ;)

2. What does your name mean?

Funny story, so I actually created this alias to partake in some underground hedonistic activities. When I went to start my Tumblr I just decided to use the same one because I’m not very creative and didn’t want to make up a new one. I never thought that this blog would become as popular as it has, and now I couldn’t be bothered changing the name. It does make me laugh though, if only you people knew what I used to get up to under this alias. 

3. Are you named after anyone?

Little Red Riding Hood?

4. Does your name make any interesting anagrams?

I don’t think so, but maybe someone smarter than me could figure it out. 

5. If you had to change your first name, what would you change it to?

I would probably change my real first name if I could as unfortunately I share it with a reasonably well known facist.

6. Where are you from?

A small European country. 

7. Where were you born?

In the capital city of that small European country. 

8. Where did you grow up?

In the suburbs of the capital of that small European country. 

9. Who did you look like growing up?

A member of the band Hanson, if they had red hair and wore those terrible 2000’s wire rimmed glasses. 

10.What are your best characteristics?

Oh gosh, isn’t it embarrassing to talk about your good traits? Especially when the way you see yourself is often so different from the way others see you. 

11.What are your favorite things about yourself?

Honestly, I’ve great boobs.

12.Which of your parents are you closest to?

Depends on my mood.

13.Which of your parents are you more like?

I think physically I’m more like my mother, but my character is closer to my father. 

14.Are your grandparents still married?

Yep, on one side. On the other side my grandad is dead and has been for a very long time. 

15.What relative was important to you growing up & why?

I guess my grandparents, they are the only members of the extended family I ever really saw growing up. I was never close to my uncles, and my aunts and cousins all live in different countries. 

16.What is one thing that you’ve never revealed to your parents?

Anything about my love life, we just don’t talk about it. Ever!

17.What would your parents have named you if you were the opposite gender?

I’m actually not sure. I know they had lots of other traditionally female names picked out, but I don’t know any male names they had for me. I’m not sure if they knew early on if I was going to be a girl, would make sense though.

18.What do you call your grandparents?

I call one of my grandmother’s by her first name, and my grandad, grandad. 

19.What is your best physical feature?

My boobs!…I have pretty eyes too.

20.What is your biggest accomplishment?

Probably getting into University and graduating top of my class.

21.What is your biggest fear?

Having all my joints simultaneously dislocate. 

22.What is your biggest regret?

The way I’ve treated certain people over the years.

23.What is your eye colour?

Blue.

24.What inspires you?

Hope that tomorrow can be better.

25.What is the most important thing in your life?

My family, and my future. 

26.What has required the most courage of you in your life so far?

Hummm, I’m really not sure about this one. 

27.Who is your favourite actor?

I truly could not name a single actor.

28.Who is your favourite actress?

As above. 

29.Who is your favourite celebrity?

I genuinely have no idea.

30.Who is your favourite musician?

Lorde has been getting me through this quarantine, but my favourite singer/band is/are Florence + the Machine. Maybe that dates me. 

31.Who’s your favourite person in the world?

I can’t choose just one! 

32.What is your favourite childhood memory?

I’m very lucky, I had a really marvellous childhood. I guess I have some great memories of playing with my brother as a child, but I’m not sure I have a favourite memory. 

33.What is your favourite colour?

Teal. 

34.What is your favourite cultural activity?

I love going to the theatre.

35.What is your favourite drink?

Water is the thing I drink most often. I don’t like tea or coffee, and I only drink alcohol in social settings not alone of an evening.

36.What is your favourite fairytale?

I’m actually not sure. I know it’s not quite the same but I was never allowed to watch the Disney princess films growing up (a lot of which are based on fairytales) so I can’t say I am particularly attached on any. Although, in answering this question I have remembered by blog name so I probably should say Little Red Riding Hood. 

37.What is your favourite food?

Potatoes, they are so wonderfully versatile, I will never get bored eating them.

38.What is your favourite holiday destination?

There is so much of the world I have not yet seen and I cannot wait until we’re allowed to travel again. The last big trip I was on was to Canada, Vancouver, and it was amazing. 

39.What is your favourite ice-cream flavour?

Ice cream does not agree with me at all, I always thought I was lactose intolerant because of it (I’m not), but I did love a pistachio ice cream as a kid. 

40.What is your favourite music genre?

According to Spotify my most listened to genre is “alternative” whatever that means.

41.What is your favourite physical activity?

Hiking. 

42.What is your favourite quote?

I don’t believe I have one. I do know someone who has “live laugh love” tattooed on their foot. Take from that what you will.

43.What is your favourite snack?

Tbh I don't really snack (am I coming across as awfully boring in these questions?) I love three big meals a day. I will eat an apple or something if I need something pre dinner. 

44.What is your favourite song?

Either Fascination by Alphabeat, Prayer in C by Lily Wood and the Prick, and Robin Schulz, or Brimful of Asha by Cornershop, the Fat Boy Slim Remix. Those songs never fail to put me in a good mood when I need it. 

45.What is your favourite sport?

To watch? Rugby. But I am OBSESSED with the Olympics, especially the winter olympics.

46.What is your favourite time of the day?

Early evening. 

47.What is your favourite type of clothing?

Dresses…with pockets! Or jumpers, I love a big wooly jumper. 

48.What is your favourite way to pass time?

Read.

49.What is the name of your favourite restaurant?

My favourite restaurant is called Dishoom, but unfortunately it has yet to make it to my little European country, so it’s a real treat if I get to eat there. 

50.What is your all-time favourite town or city? Why?

I don’t have one.

51.What is your favourite candle scent?

Probably a classic vanilla, but not an overpowering one. The vanilla candle from IKEA is the NICEST. 

52.What is your favourite social media channel?

Probably Twitter, although Tumblr is my place for escape. 

53.Where’s your favourite place to take an out-of-town guest?

Ugh I hate being the one to choose where we go. I think it’s because I’m a Libra. 

54.What was your favourite subject in High School?

Okay now this is a fun fact, I didn’t actually go to school. I was “Home Educated” which is ideologically different form being Home Schooled. There was no curriculum for me to follow so I could basically dick about doing whatever I wanted during the day. I did study Law which I really enjoyed, and I went onto study it at University. 

55.What was your least favourite subject in High School?

Again see above. Although I do remember crying every time my father tried to teach me maths. To this day, I’m still not sure how to work out a percentage, let alone anything more advanced than that. 

56.What was your favourite TV show when you were a child?

Sabrina the Teenage Witch (the Melissa Joan Heart version) or anything with Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen in it (have I dated myself again?)

57.What do you love about your favourite TV Show?

They were fun. I wanted to be them!

58.Are you scared of heights?

Nope, but I’m scared of falling and shattering all the bones in my legs.

59.Are you high maintenance?

Definitely not.

60.Are you more inclined to “build your own empire” or unleash the potential of others?

I don’t know what this means, but fuck imperialism. 

61.Are you more likely to avoid conflict or engage it head-on?

Ugh, I hate conflict, like I go all trembly, but if there is something amiss I can’t not confront it.

62.Are you a dog person or cat person?

I really adore animals, I had hoped to get a cat during this long and lonely lockdown but my landlord wasn’t keen. If I had more time and space I would love to get a dog, it’s just not feasible in my life at the moment. 

63.Are you a fan of any sports team?

Just my national team no matter what the sport.

64.Are you a good cook?

I like to think so.

65.Are you an early adopter or late-adopter?

Depends. I don’t always love change.

66.If you had more courage what would you do differently in your life now?

I don’t think having more courage would change anything in my life right now. 

67.What is good about how you are living your life right now?

Oh gosh, I’m so incredibly lucky to have the like that I am living right now. Truly blessed, but at the same time, I have got here because of all my hard work and determination. 

68.If you could eliminate one weakness or limitation in your life, what would it be?

I’m not sure if this strictly answers the question, but I wish I could be kinder and more sympathetic to people. I can be harsh on people I care about because I want to see them do well in life and get frustrated when they are doing things that so obviously curtails their ability. I’ve lost friends because of it. 

69.Who has left the most impact on your life?

I don’t think I can name just one person.

70.What aspect of your life needs tremendous improvement?

My love life. It’s not existent. Truly. I don’t even have a far away crush on anyone at the moment. I desperately want to experience romantic love, but it’s scary and you have to allow yourself to be soft and vulnerable which is not something that I am very good at. I also have a lot of negative thoughts/self doubts about whether I am good enough to be in a relationship, or worthy enough for love. It’s stupid, obviously, everyone, flaws and all is worthy of love, but because of things that have happened/been said to me I do kind of have this negative chatter of “who could ever love me” or fear people thinking “god love the poor guy who ends up with her.” All that said, I have never actually met anyone who I’ve really liked, let alone anyone who has liked me back. The closest I’ve got, is I’ve been in lust twice in my life with guys, who objectively speaking, I would never think I would be attracted to.

71.What’s the weirdest thing you’ve seen in your life?

I’ve see a lot of weird things tbh, but the first one that springs to mind is that every year we used to go to these big gatherings of families who home educate their children. Now, there are two groups of people that tend to home educate their children 1) EXTREMELY religious families who don’t want their children going to secular schools, and 2) new age hippies who don’t want their children to have to conform to the rigours of school. When these two groups meet…it is interesting. The religious families usually have a lot of children (10+ in many cases), while the hippy families wander around semi-nude and breast feed their children until their grown (7+ years in many cases). So at these home education conferences, the hippy parents would be wandering around, leaky boobs out, and the religious babies would be wandering around because their parents have too many children to keep track of. Whenever one of these babies wandered within range of the hippy parents, they’d take them, and latch them onto their breasts. Absolutely bizarre stuff.

72.Who is the best teacher you’ve ever had?

Myself. 

73.Who is the biggest pack rat you know?

I don’t know what this means. 

74.Who is the first person you call when something exciting happens?

If it’s a big enough deal to call someone, I’ll call my parents, but usually if something exciting happens I’ll just message my friend group.

75.Who is the first person you call when something horrible happens?

Same as above. 

76.Who is the worst boss you’ve ever had?

I had to sue her to get her and her husband to pay me for the work I did. 

77.Can you close your eyes and raise your eyebrows?

Yep? Can you not?

78.Can you do a split?

No, but I want to learn! I have really tight hamstrings so that would be good to stretch them.

79.Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

No. Can you?

80.Can you whistle?

Yeah.

81.Can you dance?

Everyone can dance, the question is whether you can dance well or not! I have no rhythm or style, but get me on a dance floor and I’ll bop my socks off.

82.Do you remember your dreams?

Sometimes. 

83.Do you save old greeting cards and letters? Throw them away?

I save them for a while, but I’m not overly sentimental. 

84.Do you sing in the shower?

Never. 

85.Do you sleep with the lights on or off?

Off. 

86.Do you spell the colour as grey or gray?

Grey you weirdo! 

87.Do you take any pills or medication daily?

Never.

88.Do you prefer kissing or cuddling?

I like kissing because it’s hot and fiery and I think I’m reasonably good at it. Cuddling is the best but it’s something I struggle with as I find it far too intimate. See my answer to Q70.

89.Do you prefer that people shoot straight with you or temper their words? Why?

Hit me between the eyeballs with the truth, please! I just like people who are clear and direct about their intentions, it means everyone knows where they stand. 

90.Do you prefer Titanic or The Notebook?

I saw a black and white documentary about the Titanic when I was a very small child (maybe about 5 or 6) and for a long time I thought that was the movie Titanic! I have seen neither the real film Titanic nor the Notebook, although from what I know of the latter I don’t think it would be my thing.

91.Do you have a catchphrase?

I don’t think so, but maybe people in my life would be better at answering this question. What is it that I say a lot?

92.Do you have a garden?

I wish!

93.Do you have a hidden dream that you’ve never shared with anyone?

I’m taking this to mean a goal or aspiration, and not something that I have subconsciously dreamed and been too embarrassed to share? I would love to write a book one day. I’m work on something periodically but I’m not sure if anything will ever come from it, a gal can dream though!

94.Do you have a tattoo?

None! I’m kind of a commitment-phobe, I’m not sure if you’ve noticed?

95.Do you have a whole lot of acquaintances or just a few very close friends? Why?

Both! I know lots of people in passing, but the people I consider actual friends, who know what is going on in my life at any given time, I could count on my fingers.

96.Do you have any allergies?

Not that I’m aware of…

97.Do you have any birthmarks? If so, where?

I used to have one on my back, but it’s faded as I’ve aged.

98.Do you have pets?

Not at the moment.

99.Do you hold any convictions that you would be willing to die for?

That is a big question. I think however, if there was a guarantee, that sacrificing my life would make the lives of others immeasurably better, I would be scarified. I have plenty of convictions that I’m willing to protest/riot/go to prison for.

100.Do you carry a donor card?

Bit ominous after Q99 but yes I do, and my driver’s licence states that I’m a donor.

I’m not sure if this is at all what you were hoping for in asking this, but I honestly had the best fun answering these questions! :)

[seldnei]

taking stock of 2020

For any new followers: this is my annual post about my writing in the past year.  This is purely for my own mental health--the tag says “seldnei is tired of feeling like a slacker” for a reason.  Please feel free to skip.

Okay, so what did I accomplish in 2020?

Well, first note: I AM ALIVE AND EVERYTHING ELSE IS FUCKING ICING.

In 2019 I was having issues getting my shit together.  I had literally just started feeling like I had my feet under me when Covid hit, and … I dunno.  Pandemic brain was an issue, but also I re-evaluated what I feel makes me “successful.” In general, writing-career-wise, I feel pretty happy with where I am.  Sure, I’d like to publish more, and of course I’d love to be able to afford to write full-time, but if I died (which was a scarily plausible idea this year) I don’t think I’d have very many regrets in that area.

BUT. My idea of “success” does have to do with doing the work.  Maybe I won’t become a NYT bestseller, but my self-image as a writer depends on actually writing things and finishing them, and that did not happen as much as I wanted it to this year.  There are, absolutely, legitimate reasons for that.  I’m trying very hard not to beat myself up over it.  

I did do some things.  Sometimes it was like pulling teeth, but I did do some things.

The Novel:

Oh, man, this is the thing I did not do.  I just … stopped querying agents   entirely.  And unlike my decision re: short stories (see below), this was not a conscious choice on my part.  I just didn’t do it. I think it just became Too Much to be sending queries into the ether when I was     also wondering if I was going to catch this virus/trying to pivot my day job to remote work/dealing with Z’s online school.

I did do the query letter class on Reedsy, which was pretty good.

I’m not sure what I want to do with the book.  I feel very stuck.  One thing I’m considering is scraping some cash together for an editing pass from a freelance editor, just to see if the whole thing really sucks or if it’s just my brain being overwhelmed.  

Not sure how my feelings about my career (above) fit into this, either.  It is a big tangle in my brain at the moment.

Short Stories

I specifically decided in … February?  March?  Just before lockdown, anyway … that I would spend 2020 focusing on writing rather than submitting (the exception to this was FUCKIT).  So not many submissions went out last year.  I also didn’t get as many stories drafted or revised as I’d hoped, but whatever.

I finished a Teachouts story—with camels!—and tried outlining for the first time, which went pretty well.  It’s another long one, and needs revising, but I like it a lot.  I got to watch a lot of camel videos for it, and research the camel corps (the US military looked into using camels instead of donkeys/mules in the southwest).

I wrote a self-indulgent ghost story and put it on the blog.

I also wrote an Orpheus/Eurydice story for FUCKIT that I think of as “trailer trash Eurydice,” because I imagine her telling him the story in their tiny little trailer that they’ve got illegally parked in the mountains somewhere.

“Primary Manifestations” came out in October in Stories We Tell After Midnight vol 2. Upon reading it in print, I immediately found a giant continuity error that I, two betas, and the editor all missed.  Ah, well, such is life.

Miscellany

I wrote 3 poems: “Instructions for Quarantine,”  “Christmas 2020,” and “Stopping by Jolene’s on a Snowy Evening,” which is a mashup of exactly what you think it is.  I keep debating putting it on Tumblr.

I did a reading on Instagram!  And people came!  My mother had to hear me say “fuck,” like, a lot!

Wrote 3 pieces for FUCKIT, and finished a draft of the 4th thing (which is currently resting before revisions).  FUCKIT, by the way, has been one of my two saving graces this year, keeping me writing even when I was lost in pandemic fog.

Journaled all goddamned year; my other saving grace.  I took Fran Wilde’s creative journaling class at the Rambo Academy in January, and started keeping a paper journal again shortly after.  AND HOLY CATS DID I NEED IT.  

Blogged, as per usual.  Actually a bit more than usual, during quarantine.

So. Many. Notes. Indentured servant demons notes. Incremental apocalypse notes. Mad Scientist’s Daughter notes Urban fantasy notes (this one would be a story called “The Curse of the Spider Queen” which is an amazing title, right?).  

Finished two Cat Rambo classes!  And bought 4 more, god help me.

Goals for 2021

Survival

Like, obviously general survival.

Also surviving this grad program while still writing.  I have my writing goals for the first 3-4 months of 2021 mapped out in my planner, and I’m determined.  I am really, really sick of feeling like a slacker—which is why I started these annual reflective posts 5 years ago, so maybe it bodes well.

Revisions

FUCKIT thing

Camel story

Train story (I have editorial comments from a reject for that one)

Start submitting again

Write 1 short story (probably the Spider Queen story)

Sort out the novel stuff

Finish 1 Cat Rambo class

More notes on all the stories!

Update the blog because I just went there for links and, wow, I have some housekeeping to do, yikes.

#state of the writing #seldnei is tired of feeling like a slacker #seldnei writes things #2020 writing

[emospritelet]

Sutheracey with Lacey as the Australian ambassador's daughter : “So… apparently we’re in lockdown.” and “Please tell me there’s something edible in there”

I did that second prompt in the first chapter, so here’s the first prompt in the second chapter. I could probably use a third…

Prompt list here

[AO3]

x

Sutherland marched into the function room as though he was about to issue a declaration of war. Perhaps it might come close to that, with some of these fuckers, he thought. Coming up with an approach that everyone agrees to will be a nightmare.

“Prime Minister?”

Sutherland turned with a smile at the familiar voice.

“Madam President,” he said. “I’d like to say I’m delighted to be here, but I think we both know we’d rather be meeting in less urgent circumstances.”

President Regina Mills smiled. She was an attractive woman, with dark hair and full lips, an accomplished, decisive politician, and someone he considered a valuable ally. And the closest thing to a friend that he had amongst the world leaders, he supposed.

“Pleased to have you with us in this, Robert,” she said, and he nodded.

“Well, it’s a pandemic,” he said. “We’re all in this together, whether we like it or not.”

“True enough,” she agreed. “I just hope we can all find common purpose.”

“Limiting the number of casualties seems a good place to start,” he remarked, and she nodded, an anxious look in her eyes. He decided to change the subject. 

“How’s your wife?” he asked. “I understand you just had a son.”

Regina beamed.

“Yes, Henry,” she said, a soft look in her eyes. “He’s perfect. Emma’s at the White House, obviously. I’m hoping to get this done quickly so I can get home to them.”

“I was planning on asking you to visit the UK this year,” he said. “I think perhaps it might be next year, at this rate.”

“So it seems,” she sighed. “We’d be delighted, once things go back to normal. Assuming they ever do. And this is Ms Deville, isn’t it?”

“Well remembered, Madam President,” said Carrie. “We met only once, I think.”

Regina smiled, nodding to her. No handshakes. Not now.

“Well, now that you’re here, at least I know I’ll have sense on my side in this thing,” she said to Sutherland. “Some of the leaders are already baulking at the restrictions and the spending we’re proposing.”

Sutherland clicked his tongue.

“Well, they’re gonna have to follow the science,” he said grimly. “I don’t have time for them to want to baby-step their way through this thing.”

“Agreed,” said the President, and glanced over his shoulder, a crease appearing between her eyes. “Ah. the CDC Director’s here. Would you excuse me?”

She walked off, and Sutherland turned to Carrie, raising an eyebrow.

“She looks worried,” murmured Carrie.

“That’s what I thought,” he said quietly. “I have a feeling whatever news the Director of the CDC is bringing her isn’t gonna be good.”

“Well, I have plenty of contacts here,” she said, glancing around the room. “Let me see what I can find out.”

She slipped away, and he walked over to one of the long tables holding glasses of wine and champagne, silver trays of bite-sized canapes alongside. He ignored the food and alcohol, opting for a glass of water instead. He had a feeling he would need to keep his wits about him.

“Well, if it isn’t Prime Minister Sutherland,” drawled a familiar voice, and Sutherland turned slowly.

The last time he had seen Lacey French, she had been wearing the previous night’s gleaming blue dress, with her hair tousled and her mouth full and red from his kisses. His bed had smelt of her perfume, and he remembered burying his face in the pillows after she had left, breathing her in. That scent was in the air now, making his heart thump a little harder and his cock twitch in memory of her touch. Lacey was wearing a very respectable blue dress and jacket, her hair tied up and simple gold rings in her ears. She looked him up and down very deliberately, fingers tapping the side of her wine glass and her lips curving upward as her eyes gleamed. 

“Miss French,” he said evenly. “I wasn’t expecting to see you here.”

“I bet,” she said, and took a sip of her drink. “Long time no see, huh?”

“Four months, but who’s counting?”

“You, by the sound of it,” she said, grinning at him. “Miss me?”

Yes. Yes, I missed you, fool that I am.

“I’m glad to see you looking so well,” he said neutrally, and Lacey pouted.

“That’s very - British - of you,” she said. “And I believe Sergeants Knight and Nolan are standing guard behind you. Hi, boys. Remember me?”

Sutherland glanced behind him, and both security officers were staring straight ahead with expressionless faces, although Nolan looked as though he was trying very hard not to think about something. He turned back to Lacey.

“What are you doing here, anyway?” he asked. “I thought you were still at university.”

She wrinkled her nose, pursing her lips a little.

“I was. Dad managed to get me an internship for a few months, so I took a deferral of my studies until September. It’s all good experience, right?”

He inclined his head, taking a sip of water.

“I don’t suppose watching the progression of a deadly disease was quite what you had in mind when you took the post.”

“True,” she agreed, looking sober. “Maybe you can help to stop it, who knows?”

“I think we’ve gone beyond containment,” he said quietly. “Mitigating our losses may be the best we can hope for.”

Lacey’s eyes widened, and for a moment he saw fear in them. He wished he hadn’t said anything. The thought came to him that she could catch the virus herself. The thought of her sick and suffering, far from home with no family or friends around her, made his hand tighten on the glass, and he took another drink to wash away the sudden burst of fear.

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see the visiting dignitaries start to flow towards the large briefing room that had been set aside for their meeting.

“It seems we’re being summoned,” he said. “Make sure you practice your social distancing, Miss French.”

She gave him a wobbly smile, the spark of mischief back in her eyes.

“Yeah, you too,” she said. “Maybe I’ll bump into you later. Figuratively speaking, of course.”

x

It was hours later that Sutherland made his way back to his suite. He took off his suit jacket and tie as soon as he was inside, rolling up his shirt sleeves, washing his hands thoroughly in the bathroom, and pouring himself a drink. It had been a long day; there had been presentations by medical experts and pharmaceutical firms, followed by heated discussions between heads of state, and he felt as though his brain wanted to shut down. President Mills had called a halt to the whole thing at eight-fifteen after taking an urgent phone call. Her face, when she returned to the briefing room, had been grim. There had been a spike in cases, at the upper end of the estimates given by the experts, and she had taken the decision to lock down the country for an initial period of three weeks. Which meant that everyone at the conference was stuck there too.

There had initially been uproar in the briefing room, but President Mills assured them all that they would only be kept in the hotel as long as it took for them all to be tested to ensure they were clear of the virus. Those who were clear would be able to leave on their respective planes. Sutherland had remarked that since they had planned to be there for three days anyway, it probably wouldn’t take much longer to get through the tests, so they might as well get on with the business of dealing with the global response. His statement had been met with surly resentment, and eventual agreement, and he had been reminded of the fact that dealing with world leaders and their respective egos was like trying to herd cats.

He took a sip of the whisky in his glass, walking past his open laptop on the table and flipping it closed. Work could wait until he’d had a decent night’s sleep. If that was even possible in the circumstances. God alone knew what would be facing them in the morning. He paced slowly back and forth, statistics and projections running through his head, a seemingly unending list of potential calamities waiting to crash over the world. Some of them would happen, no matter what decisions were made in the next few days. No matter what he decided, people would die, and lives would be ruined. The thought was exhausting.

The sound of Sergeant Nolan’s voice outside his rooms made him look around, frowning slightly, and Sergeant Knight cleared his throat, calm and unruffled in his dark suit.

“I’ll check it out, sir,” he said, and headed for the door.

Sutherland sipped at his whisky again, a suspicion starting to form in his mind about who his late-night visitor might be.

“Hey, it’s Lance, isn’t it?” Lacey’s voice floated into the room through the open door. “D’you mind if I call you Lance? Can your boss come out to play?”

“Mr Sutherland is a little busy, Miss French,” said Sergeant Knight.

“Huh. I bet he’s drinking whisky and pacing the room.”

Sutherland sighed, setting down his glass and marching to the door, nodding at the officers to stand aside. Lacey smirked at him, arms folded and eyes sparkling.

“So…,” she said. “Apparently we’re in lockdown. Care for some company?”

“Look, you can’t come in here!” he snapped. “Haven’t you heard of social fucking distancing?”

Lacey rolled her eyes.

“Duh. I watch the news.”

“So go back to your own room,” he said. “For all you know I could have the virus.”

“Wouldn’t matter if you did,” she said. “I’ve already had it.”

Sutherland blinked.

“What?”

“Last month,” she added. “I was one of the lucky ones. Pretty mild symptoms. Not like some of the poor buggers suffering out there.”

“Oh.” Sutherland could feel himself wavering. “You’ve had it?”

“Uh-huh.” She tilted her head, eyeing him. “So - can I come in?”

#sprite's pandemic promptathon #sutheracey #ripperblackstaff #fic: social distancing #sutheracey fic #rumbelle fic #anyelle fic #my fic #rumbelle

[enemymine2000]

So I went to bed around 4 am when Nevada was at 75% counted. I had my 8 hours of sleep - Germany’s “lockdown light” is good for not having to bother with things like regular sleep cycles - I had coffee and breakfast, played with my cats. I just checked again. NEVADA! Get off your ass! While the so called protesters - rioters, because as I have recently learned there is such a thing as permits to protest/observe the counting at polling places (USA, why you gotta be so weird, man?) - are gathering to stop the vote. Yep, those are fascists alright! And they are not getting teargased to heaven come. So the police is fascist too. Not that that is news, but it was never that clear. USA, my man, you’ve got problems. Big ones. First order of business once the election is sorted out and Biden in office where he rightly belongs, would be to take out the trash in a big way. I’d propose the kind of tests for new citizens for everybody once a year for a couple of years until everybody understands what the constitution actually says. Meanwhile you’ll start the process of truly separating church and state as the founding fathers intended. Get your education up to snuff by spending more on teachers and school than on your military. Because no one in the world is going to take you seriously for a while anyway as long as you can’t keep your own house in order. We might be scared of you, but newsflash you ain’t the only one with atomic bombs and those scary mofos aren’t as batshit insane as you. Except Noth Korea, because no one knows what’s going on in their house at all apart from Kim Jong-un. Maybe. So, while you demilitarize you’ll finally tackle that Second Amendment. The founding father never intended anyone running around with military grade weaponry for shits and giggles. So a ban on these kinds of weapons it is. Fuck the NRA sideways, none to kindly. Introduce mandatory background checks - all that NSA/FBI data you collected might actually come in handy that way. Have an actual registry database. For that matter finally get with the times and have mandatory registry of address for everybody. You move, you have your address changed in the database. Makes a lot of stuff easier. Like voting. Everyone registered over the age of 18 gets their voter registration notice send to their registered address at the same time. Say 8 weeks before election day. Which gives everybody ample time to decide to vote absentee or in person and to do it. Absentee ballots must arrive one day before election day or not be counted. Election day itself should be a national holiday. Polling workers are volunteers and people called upon like they would be for jury duty. All polling places have the same opening hours, no random opening or closing of polling places, every registered voter gets asigned one specific polling place closest to their address. Couning of absentee ballots and in person ballots begin at the same time and their outcome is immediately send to the state, which in turn send it up the ladder as soon as the entire state is counted. No more waiting for days at 75%, NEVADA! No more electoral college of course, because land doesn’t vote. People do! But well, I’m well aquainted with our German voting system, which is basically what I just described. We get pretty accurate projections around 4 hours after closing of the polls, which are very close to the official result which comes in just two to three days later. So, what this rant is trying to accomplish, I really don’t know. Just want to get my frustrations off my chest, I guess. It’s so fucking weird and stressful to see the country, which once was hailed as being the one to save us - which not entirely accurate, but different story - from fascism descent into fascism themselves. Running arms and eyes wide open into their doom. At least the MAGA part of them. Dudes, you really need to work on your education system. Pronto.

#rant #politics #us politics #personal #just need to decompress I guess

[heyyyharry]

Can we have jealous y/n from flatmates :) but after they got together. Please. Thanks

Another anon: I have an idea for a Flatmate blurb! In Glee there’s this scene where Sam and Quinn are making out and Sam has to think of his football coach so he can control himself. Then he accidentally says the coach’s name and she gets mad. Maybe while making out Harry says Layla and Y/N is like 😳

.

“What did you just call me?”

Harry’s entire system went into lockdown as his girlfriend pushed him off her. She sat up straight, her eyes widened with shock.

“What did you just call me?” Y/N repeated the question, this time louder as she thought he hadn’t heard her.

He had, very clear. He just didn’t know how to answer it without putting their relationship at risk. So now he was on his knees in front of her on their couch, his mouth opened and closed like a goldfish but no word managed to escape.

They were both new to their relationship and had only got to second base. Y/N was very self-conscious and shy so Harry knew having her trust him enough to let him get this close was already an accomplishment. He had nothing to complain. In fact, he had never been happier in his entire life.

The only problem was that Harry had a high sex drive and he hadn’t slept with anyone since he decided to be a better man for her. Sadly, his hand and imagination didn’t feel as good as how he believed she would feel. So if he was honest, every single one of their make out sessions had been both heaven and hell to him.

Just the feeling of her hands tugging at his hair could get him hard as a rock. And every time she moaned his name, he felt like he was ready to burst any second. The last thing he wanted was to cum while making out with her. One, it‘d be extremely embarrassing. Two, it would freak her out.

That was why he’d come up with this messed up idea that would ruin his life if he ever got caught, well, when he got caught.

To keep his dick and his mind in control, he would think about all the things that would normally turn him off, dead puppies, dirty underwear, old people, disgusting foods, and well...

“Layla? Really?” Y/N hugged her knees to her chest. Her expression hardened and the hurt in her glassy eyes made his stomach twist.

“Baby, listen to me—“

“You called her name while kissing me! Were you thinking about her?”

“No! Well, yes, but—“

She suddenly smacked his chest. It didn’t hurt but he was shocked by her reaction. His jaw fell slack as guilt transformed her face. However, that look disappeared the second she remembered that he deserved it. She hit him again.

“Maybe if I hit you all the time, you’d like me better, right? Maybe if I was more like Layla?!”

“No!”

“Then why were you thinking about her?”

“B-because she’s the opposite of you!” No, no, no, fuck, he was making it worse. “That’s not what I meant!”

Without a single word, she got up and stormed toward her bedroom. Frantically, he ran in front of her to stand in her way with his arms and legs wide open.

“Please hear me out.” He grasped her hand and pressed it to his chest. “I only want you, only you. I want you so fucking much I cannot control myself sometimes. But I don’t wanna rush you into doing anything you’re not ready to do, so I have to think of all the things that turn me off while we’re being intimate. And...uhm...Layla...is one of them. Because she...you know...scares me.”

Now Y/N was staring at him with bulging eyes. Her lips were parted yet she didn’t say a word, and it scared him so much. He thought he might lose her.

“Please say something...” He murmured, giving her hand another squeeze to get her attention.

It was only then that a corner of her mouth quirked up, and she released a low laugh, leaving him stunned.

“Y-you’re not gonna leave me, are you?” He asked, his voice was strained.

“No.” Shaking her head, Y/N touched his face with her other hand. “I’m not gonna leave you just because you’re an idiot.”

“I am an idiot.” He gave her a smirk. He was an idiot who loved her, and he knew she loved him too. Even after that fucked up explanation, she still leaned in and kissed the corner of his lips.

“I think it’s my fault,” she whispered, to his surprise.

“Why is it your fault, love?”

“You wouldn’t have to do this if I didn’t make you wait.”

“No, no, no!” He grabbed her shoulders, pressed her against his chest and hugged her tightly. “I can wait for as long as you want me to. I don’t want sex, I just want you.”

“Harry, you do want sex.” Her body shook with laughter, causing him to laugh along.

“Okay, I do want sex, but only if it’s with you, when you’re ready.”

Smiling, she gave him a nod and wrapped both arms around his waist. “Gosh, why do I love you?” She joked.

He didn’t know why either. She was obviously way too good for him, but he hoped that her feelings now would never ever change. Maybe if he tried hard enough, she would never go away.

#flatmate talk #flatmate blurbs #harry styles blurb #harry styles drabble #harry styles smut #harry styles writing #harry styles fanfic #harry styles angst #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles imagine

[twilightknight17]

Forgetting to buy more SP patches before taking on the final boss was probably a mistake.

Forgetting to sell the items I can’t take into NG+ for cash that I can take into NG+ was probably a mistake.

Forgetting to get Arsene out of Lockdown so that I can record his awesome new stats for NG+ was probably a mistake.

In my defense, I was really excited. I wonder if the game will let me make a side trip while I’m out...buying flowers. Because that is what it has come to.

Buying flowers.

Shinya is a terrible brat and wasn’t in Akihabara at ALL until the day before the deadline. Thanks, Shinya. There goes my max confidants. Blugh. At least I got some other things done. Got the award for the maid cafe, so I don’t have to go back except once to open the Twins field trip. I still suck at batting even with third eye. But I am a champ at fishing, it only took me like five trips to the fishing pond to catch the Guardian! I could have done it in less if I’d figured out how to manage my bait properly sooner.

Smile, Akira, we’re awesome! ...still not even halfway to enough fish points for the award, though. :/

I am also awesome at the crane game in Akihabara, and by that I mean I am persistent and have enough yen that it doesn’t matter how many tries it takes.

Ryuji truly knows the way to my heart. <3 I missed two episodes of Featherman; one I forgot to check the TV, and the other I was laughing so hard at the title that I forgot to write it down. But I know where they are, so it’s something else for NG+. ^_^

So I romanced Sumire, and I’m...slightly off-put. Only slightly. Not because of her, but once again, because of the writing. Sumire is cute, but the game is singling her out as “special” again.

She is the only one who confesses to you, and you explicitly have the option to turn her down, rather than the implications of a confession that you can shoot down indirectly (Haru’s, Makoto’s, Futaba’s), or the absolute fucking galaxy-brain leap of logic that is Ann’s dialogue choices. X’D

If you ignore that, though, they’re stupidly cute. Akira’s a little shit, as usual. Sumire asks you to “look at her”, based on her whole confidant thing of realizing that having someone you care about watching you makes you want to do better.

And so Akira looks.

And looks closer.

Dorks. XDDD

They’re sweet. Not my favorite romance route; that still goes to Haru. I think in the end I still prefer Akira adding another member to his army of younger siblings. He’s gotta be better than Yu. XDDD

So I got Kasumi’s rank 10 and literally the next day was February 2nd, and I spent the afternoon getting her third-tier persona. So I didn’t even get to see...Vanadis? in battle. Vanadis matches a little too well to Arsene for my tastes, and Ella is pretty, but I’m not sure how I feel about it looking kind of bride-ish when Maruki’s running around in a wedding tux.

.

Anyway...what do we do the night before the meeting that will decide everything?

We make curry and we pretend everything isn’t about to go to hell.

.

So, Maruki. Let’s chat.

Does no one die in your world? Or move away? What if someone’s dream is to move abroad, and someone else’s dream is for that person to stay with them forever? If what we saw in your Palace is any indication, both of them would be tortured into accepting new dreams where they wouldn’t hurt each other. Dreams that you deemed acceptable. And that’s why you’re wrong.

So you’re giving up your happiness to make sure everyone else is happy? Why can’t you just use your powers to make her remember you, without the trauma? Are you not all-powerful?

Or are you running away from the person that reminds you how helpless you used to be? You’re not moving on, you’re dwelling, and using it as an excuse to be terrible. For all of your kindness, you know Akira is a threat. And benevolent or not, you’re being manipulative. You’re using Goro against him. You’re hoping that he makes the decision you didn’t, and chooses the person he cares about over the reality he wants.

Every time he says something like this, I feel exactly the way he says he didn’t want me to. Newsflash, asshole, that’s exactly what it seems like. If we break your reality, you’re heavily implying he won’t be here afterwards. And you’re gambling that it will be too much pain for Akira to bear, because you know how important they are to each other.

Goro, meanwhile, is both perfectly determined and perfectly stupid.

“Don’t tell me you think dangling my life before us is going to have any impact on our decision.”

Goro. Honey. Do you really think he cares so little that he wouldn’t hesitate for just a moment?

Akira practically throws the calling card at Maruki before he leaves, which I think sums up his feelings pretty well.

I appreciate that Morgana understands that this is something between them.

Goro doesn’t want to be controlled or manipulated ever again. Which... I get it. He’s never had a chance to have full control of his own life. But that doesn’t mean Akira isn’t going to be upset by the idea of him dying. Again.

Two out of three dialogue options are basically “hang on one fucking second,  your life matters to me.”

“Don’t oversimplify this.”

“Oh, but it IS simple. Do you think I’d be happy with this? Being shown mercy now of all times? I don’t want to be pitied-- this isn’t something I’m debating with you! Your indecisiveness is essentially a betrayal of my wishes.”

It’s not pity, you stubborn, idiot boy. ...and I hate that you see it as a betrayal.

Maruki is...very confident. And very kind. And part of the reason he upsets me is because he isn’t wrong, in many cases. But he uses that to justify imposing his will on everyone.

And being kind doesn’t mean that you are free from sin. You can be kind and still be manipulative. And selfish. In the end, that’s what separates him and Akira. Akira, despite all of his hesitation, refuses to be selfish. Even when he has every right to be. He will not hurt someone else to prevent himself from being hurt.

He will not hurt Goro by refusing to fight Maruki, even if it will rip his own heart to pieces.

Oh, I like you. At first glance, the silhouette was very similar to one of Mordred’s original pieces of concept art, though, and I was ready to Yell before I looked closer. XD

And so, at 11:30pm, having completely forgotten the several things I needed to have done before the meeting with Maruki, we head in to steal the Treasure.

This man needs to stop. How dare he know how much I love Cool Stairs?

I find it very concerning that the core of Eden is a writhing mess of tentacles. The metaphorical worm in the apple? X’D We were so close to getting Nyarlathotep, but Azathoth is suitably intimidating. And I appreciate that he’s using the same concepts as the Thieves: his will to rebel against what he sees as an unfair reality, and removing his mask to summon his distorted persona. Thanks for validating all of my headcanon meta about Adachi and Palaces all in one go.

But...

I can’t do this. What the fuck are you wearing?

At least Azathoth is cool.

Somehow I managed to bring exactly the right team to get consistent four-person baton passes for the whole first round. That one was about half an hour.

...the second round was an hour and fifteen minutes because holy shit this thing was a tank and had entirely too many arms and really needed to stop healing.

The torch is very pretty, at least.

And then before we can completely book it out of there, he steals the torch back and literally forces his second awakening so he can keep going. And at that point...what is he even hoping to accomplish? What is he going to do? Are you really willing to kill us to maintain this illusion?

The answer is apparently yes because it was a surprisingly poetic battle as each teammate in turn got a chance to fling themselves in the way and stop it from crushing Joker to death with it’s big giant hand.

And THEN he goes even further and validates some canon meta and me all at once by fusing with his own persona in a continuing last-ditch effort to... I really think he’s trying to kill us. I think he’s that far gone. Or at least his persona is. Because after the fusion, it’s specifically called “Adam Kadmon”, not Maruki. The persona is in control. It’s canon that if you try to summon something stronger than you, it can overtake and possess you. I know Maruki seemed to willingly give up control, but it’s also possible that forcing his second awakening like that left him with a persona that was entirely too strong for him.

(Nevermind that him being that strong in the first place is kind of ridiculous. That’s a discussion for after the final credits. I’m just hyped that someone fusing with their persona was a thing that actually happened!)

He’s so big. Where’s Satanael so I can fuse with him and we can have a megazord fight in Collapsing Ideal Tokyo? XD

The kids up the Holy Shit Quotient by a mile by catching the giant fist all together so that Joker can deal the final blow.

And what a final blow it is.

I really like this, because I don’t know if it was deliberate, but I read it as a callback to Daybreakers. Which came out before the game, iirc, so the first real piece of content. It’s just on a bigger, grander scale.

Everything comes full-circle in the end.

I really like the Mona helicopter. XD I just wish it was a little bigger, because poor Goro squished into the bottom. And poor Akira not managing to make it into the helicopter.

And this asshole WILL NOT STAY DOWN.

What is the point of punching it out on top of the collapsing Palace? Are you trying to kill us both? Do you just want to keep going until neither of us can stand? Dude.

And of course Akira won’t let him die. I think the upsetting thing about this, though, is really that you don’t get the chance to say a proper goodbye to Goro. Or anyone, really, but mostly Goro. The Palace crumbles, Akira wakes up in jail, the Thieves wake up the next morning after fighting all night, and Goro is...gone.

At least the Thieves seem properly sad this time. Even if it’s only for one scene.

Lavenza calls it “ironic” that “your wish for other’s happiness prevailed over your own.” I just call it unfair. Once again, hasn’t he done enough? At least he was only technically in jail for nine days from his perspective, but that must have been a whiplash of an adjustment.

Out of jail, Sojiro acknowledges he was Terrible at the beginning of the year, it’s 2:30am, time to do Valentines and then go to bed before the final walkaround.

And then Valentines passes. I spent it with Sumire. They’re cute.

And then it was February 15th and all the rest of the girls gave me chocolate?? It was just a constant ambush of being given chocolate all day?

And then it was March 3rd, and the Thieves are all splitting up and moving away? Are we sure this isn’t Scramble’s timeline? I get it, narratively, they’re taking the opportunities to move forward that Maruki’s reality would have denied them, but it still hurts.

And then it was March 13th and I still can’t save and now it’s 3am and apparently we get to play out White Day and Sojiro is giving me advice for the perfect date because captain idiot here forgot to plan anything and what heckin’ restaurant is getting this flustered that just mentioning Sojiro’s name is enough to get a table when they’re fully booked and---

Now it’s the 14th and I have to go buy flowers for my dinner date and I have finally been given control and saved and I am free.

Now next time I play I have to see if I can go sell my leftover items, because I’ve got a couple-hundred-thousand yen worth, and also rescue Arsene from prison. X’D

More thoughts on Maruki and everything after I see the ending, most likely.

#Li plays P5R #long post #the Longest Post #2.5 hour boss fight O_o #last time I spent that long on a boss it made me so mad I put the game in question down for six months

[michael---meh]

You're having second thoughts and I knew it months ago.

Body language shows alot about a persons intentions and how they're feeling at that present time. The last few months the jokes you spoke about being seperated hit a nerve in me. I looked passed it but I knew that was on your mind. You want to leave now everything is easy? I've managed to fix all our fucked up finance's so we could have it easy. But what happens when people have it easy? Thoughts start to wonder, you re-evaluate your life. What's working and what is not working. Obviously you noticed that I aint shit to you no more and I don't blame you. I have hurt you in ways noone should go through. I admit those times were tough and I was just looking for some happiness inside of me as a coping mechanism. Unfortunetly it resulted in you getting traumatized and I'm sorry for that. I had alot of reflecting this pass year due to lockdowns and everything and came to the conclusions those times were the happiest times of my life but they shouldn't be impacting the present and those times will stay in my heart as a reflection of the past and not in the present.

Life has gotten alot easier hasnt it? From 10k bills a month to only 3k. I'm proud of us for getting through those tough times and now we have the freedom to explore.

The reasons I "think" you're feeling this way and having doubts about us is because you're in your comfort zone. I am too at the moment. Being comfortable isn't living life. You repeat the same day everyday being comfortable and the only difference is the materials around you. We have been given the opportunity and been blessed with the income we make and what we have. We going to let it go to waste on some brand new car, new shoes, new shirt and a new phone? How many new things can we have until we're satisfied? I keep hearing "its never going to be enough" because its true. The higher income we make the more luxurious things we desire. So why not use the money for good? Put some smiles on peoples faces. Do something that has meaning and worth the effort and sacrafice.

We are suppose to grow together. Things don't just magically change and all of a sudden out of the blue I'm alot more attracted to you. I'm not saying I'm not either but there comes a time when we struggle together and get through the heartache we become stronger. Stronger and more intimate. "We've been through shit" "We've seen each other at our lowest points". This is the type of shit I love. We were broke and look where we at now. Just look at the accomplishments we made, the changes in these last 5 years. Struggle together equates to growing together. When you decide to stay comfortable it holds us both back. We are a team and a partnership. You knew when you married me I wouldn't settle for less and I can't do this without you.

If you do decide to leave cause forgiveness can't be given. It's okay it was my fault anyways and I'm truely sorry for hurting you in that way. I can't take back what I did and nor can I fix that trauma but what I can promise you is that these issues will stay as a memorie and won't resurface. I love you and I know your sneaky ass will read this :D

3-12-21

[rylredrants]

Grief

Last night I was dreaming about parties, and meeting strangers, going to bars, partying without a care in the world. Mostly.

I was dreaming about things that I once did. Meeting strangers, going to parties, getting drunk and stoned, and living… fearlessly.

I quit drinking 3 years ago this month, right after meeting the other half of the quad. There was grief over giving up steak and wine night with MM, and the loss of the part of my identity that was attached to drinking (and eating steak!) in a way I hadn’t expected.

But at the time, I couldn’t see that grief.

Instead, the next loss hit hard and fast and it all started to pile up.

Fast forward to January 2020 living alone for the first time in my entire life.

I was working again, with a chaotic and unpredictable team. I was crazy, skinny, crying all the time, but I just kept going. I had no choice.

There was a day that spring after the lockdowns had begun and ‘cloth face coverings’ were recommended so that the medical-grade ones could be saved for the medical personnel on the front lines of the pandemic.

That was when the weight of it all hit me.

I was sitting on the floor of my office with the contents of my fabric bag in a pile beside me… I’d been trying in vain to figure out how to make a cloth mask I’d seen in a tutorial and just fell apart. I don’t know how long I laid on the floor sobbing, surrounded by scraps of old tee-shirts, but I knew it was grief that put me there.

I had this sense that life as I knew it was really, truly over.

I was grieving the long trips to Kohl’s, wandering around the jewelry department, smelling perfume samples, and testing lipstick on my forearm.

I was grieving the comedy shows where I sat, packed like a sardine in a barely ventilated theater watching a friend's improv troupe.

Grieving the smells of coffee and kitchen grease at my favorite local brunch place.

I’d already given up the quick trips to the grocery store to just grab one thing or the long ones where I’d take time to find the best watermelon and grab a sample at the deli counter.

Working from home had been my life for nearly a decade before the world started discussing Zoom etiquette and sharing clips of people forgetting their camera was still on in a meeting.

The ‘new norm’ had a lot of familiar things, but still, I was grieving.

And I was struggling with daily life to the point where all I accomplished at times was staying alive and staying employed. Barely.

That summer when I met Pirate, the 4 walls of my apartment began to feel less like a prison and more like a playground. We cooked dinner together, made porn (my alter ego just hit 2K followers on Twitter!)...

We started doing Sunday brunch with his son. I baked, tried new recipes, played dress-up for photoshoots and all but forgot how the rest of the world was unraveling.

But there I go running too far back into the story to stay on track with where I was going… Where was I?

I used to be so fucking fearless.

And for every time I had another loss in my life to grieve, I had hope. I saw the next chapter, the next adventure… I was able to say, “That was a shitty lesson to learn but I AM stronger and better for it.”

But that’s started to change after almost 18 months of the pandemic and all of the personal and global fallout.

I’ve been in a new town for 3 months now where I don’t know the area or the people aside from the woman who adopted one of the puppies we had to rehome before moving here.

Pirate was lured out here by a great new job only to have them fire him days before his benefits would have kicked in. Apparently, that was why there had been so many others in that position before him. We have nothing here but a year-long lease.

I have been in my new position for 4 months, building a department for the part of the company I began with almost 4 years ago. We finally started teaching classes last month, so you’d think I’d be excited to see all of my hard work and planning in action.

But you’d be wrong.

I’m seeing my hard work and planning being pissed all over by colleagues who can’t follow a lesson plan and a boss who, when I went to him to express my concern about it said, “I don’t want to kick anyone while they’re down.”

I’m being pushed to do more- teaching classes while working on improving the program as a whole with the promise of a promotion that seems to get further away from my reach each day. And I’m doing it for a salary that, after you factor in the 10-12 hour days puts me just a sneeze above minimum wage.

And then there’s the Delta variant.

We live in a country where faux-news fed MAGAts continue to spread disinformation about the vaccine faster than COVID can mutate. All of the same assholes who suddenly decided that ‘my body my choice’ was good reason to protest mask mandates (but still not a good enough reason to stop trying to overturn Roe v Wade).

And now we have increasing numbers of fully vaccinated people with COVID, including MM's girlfriend.

The red-state 45’ers will say that it’s no worse than the flu and cite ‘survival’ rates while disregarding what losing just a week of work would do to their own low-income family. Never mind the devastating impact that a hospital stay would have. And that’s just the money part.

It’s all the same bullshit I’ve been writing about since Twitler began promoting bleach injections and the need for ‘reopening’ last year. It’s exhausting.

I’m an extrovert by nature.

That doesn’t mean that I love people or am the center of attention at every gathering… though as a host and presenter I often was. That means that being around others fuels me.

It’s where I get my energy.

I’ve also developed a certain level of social anxiety that’s worse in large, public places like concerts, amusement parks, and crowded grocery stores.

That anxiety started developing over a decade ago, and I learned that the more isolated I am the worse it gets. The antidote was to go shopping, host a party, go to dinner with a group of new people… all things that have disappeared from my life over the last 18 months.

It’s an odd balance being an extrovert with social anxiety.

Seeing the crowds at this year’s Lollapalooza and then watching the documentary about Woodstock ’99 reminded me of that dichotomy and hit both ends of that spectrum full force.

There’s a special kind of energy in those places. The sense of being lost in the sea of people, all moving to the same beat.

It brought back the feeling of being in ‘the crush’ at the Gwar show where I lost myself to the energy until I was brought back to stark reality. A large, bald dude threw just enough weight at me that I panicked and started swinging my fists. The bouncers pulled us both out, I cried, he apologized. Then he helped me get right back into the thick of it where I was doused in streams of colored liquid by the band. Good times!

There was a high when all of that energy filled me.

Whether it was at a loud venue where I’d turn into a ‘woo girl’ singing along and cheering, or a smaller party where the conversations would go until someone sobered up enough to drive us to Denny’s for bad coffee and sickly sweet pancakes; those were the times I felt most alive.

For so long, I would go to those places, get drunk, get high (on the energy more often than cannabis), meet strangers, and party with only the fear of a hangover.

Piece by piece, all of those things have disappeared from my world and this time I can’t seem to find the hope I once had that it will get better again.

I was in a really bad place last week.

And that was before the Afghanistan evacuations began.

The usual passive thoughts of just checking out got a little louder, and my ability to look for the silver lining, the lesson, the next adventure had all but disappeared.

It felt like one of the worst depressive episodes I’ve had in a long time, but I had to keep ‘pushing through’ and putting on my grown-up panties.

Stay employed and stay alive.

One morning I realized that it hasn't been depression weighing me down.

It’s grief.

I’m grieving for a life I once had. For places I used to go, people who I had to cut out of my life, and energy that gave me a high greater than any bottle of wine or canna-buttered treat could.

Those were the things that made me feel alive.

So now what?

Now, I know it’s grief that’s been weighing me down.

It’s not an internal failing, or solely the usual chemical imbalance driving me deeper into myself and away from the ability to feel joy.

It’s grief that comes from a sense of hopelessness.

I haven’t learned how to live like this yet. It’s a process that had to begin by recognizing where I am so I can figure out where to go next.

Right now, I'm going to go to the couch. Another on the hamster wheel of bed, desk, bad TV, repeat.

I'll try again tomorrow...

#covidiots #delta covid #delta variant #grief #social anxiety #extrovert

[khixsoncounselorpdx]

Alienation of the Mental Health Worker in the time of COVID

8/25/21

“The worker [d]oes not feel content but unhappy, does not develop freely his physical and mental energy but mortifies his body and ruins his mind. The worker therefore only feels himself outside his work, and in his work feels outside himself;" -Economic and Philosophical Manuscripts of 1844. Estranged Labour Karl Marx

As I reflect on 17 months of a global pandemic, it’s clear how alienated I feel from my own labor as a psychotherapist. Deeply disconnected from its prior form. Flattened. Two-dimensionalized. Confused. Distracted. Marx talked about alienated labor as a product of disconnection between the worker and their labor. A sort of objectification of labor—when we no longer have choice about how our labor is sold and no choice about what it makes. (Certainly, Marx would balk at my bourgeois self-employment and private property situation, but, hey, I’m using 170-year-old theory to make a point, here). “...the fact that labor is external to the worker, i.e., it does not belong to his intrinsic nature; that in his work, therefore, he does not affirm himself but denies himself, does not feel content but unhappy, does not develop freely his physical and mental energy but mortifies his body and ruins his mind.” Yes, this….this new technology that has been introduced has externalized and strained my emotional labor. My mind and body tells the truth about this.

I remember the shock and confusion of March 2020. Realizing my counseling practice would need to go online. On one hand, it seemed utterly dreadful and on the other, I felt grateful—I could still work. I could still support my clients. I rallied. I pivoted. So did my clients. Unfortunately/fortunately, my clients and I were both going through the exact same experience. While it not uncommon for therapists and clients to have similar problems, we are not usually facing them in such a deeply parallel way.

  pandemic office                                                                                    3/18/2020

Restlessness quickly settled in. I couldn’t find a spot in my office that I was comfortable sitting at for more than a couple sessions. I moved all around. Sitting on the couch with the computer on the coffee table, previously populated by client beverages and belongings. Then with the computer on my lap. Feet up. Feet down. Over in the chair in the other corner of the office. Piles started to form. So many beverage containers. Fruit peels scattered about. It was hard to make sense of the space without clients coming in and out of it. It no longer mattered how messy it became. Then I brought a table up and placed it in the middle of my office, paired with one of my chairs. One day, my lower back completely seized up upon getting up from the chair. Eventually, I decided to move my office. Maybe it would help to be more grounded on the first floor? I was losing it in this out of the way treehouse sort of space on the second floor. Maybe more windows would help?

 pandemic office                                                                                         8/29/20

I opened up a counseling and event space only 6 months prior to the start of the pandemic. An effort to control my own business from the many shitty commercial landlords I have experienced since being self employed in 2006 in Portland, Oregon. A space specially created to build community among radical, queer, non-binary, and trans counselors and social workers—my friends & community of practitioners. In the initial weeks of lockdown during the pandemic, the 8 offices and the 735 sq ft of training space were completely empty and I would walk the halls in silence. Wondering when people would return to continue building what we’d started.

When my friends and colleagues started trickling back in the late spring/summer of 2020, pushed out of their homes due to the desire for normalcy and work-home life separation, we said fuck it and put a pool in the parking lot. No clients were coming to the building, no use for a parking lot.

 summer 2020 pandemic parking lot pool                                          7/26/2020

Then there was an uprising, an election, fake news about the election, and a Jan 6 assault on the Capitol. Sprinkled in there were 10 days of post-apocalyptic wildfire smoke hell in Sept 2020 in the Pacific Northwest. My mom got COVID, she survived. A snow and ice storm in February 2021 that resulted in power outages and downed trees. A summer 2021 heatwave. More fires. More gnarly air quality stats.

Realizing the impacts of doing relational work on a computer has been hard to understand—akin to a program running in the background throughout the pandemic. Not always noticeable, but ever present. We were all talking about how tired we were at first. It was hard to make sense of how different this was from pre-pandemic embodied counseling. Approximately ¼ of my body is present on the screen. Approximately ¼ of my client’s body is present on the screen. I move my face more emphatically and wave my arms more actively to translate emotion through this two dimensional space. Two or more nervous systems, disembodied and fighting to connect through the fluctuating megabits per second. The relational zest of being in the room together, mostly missing. We fight, together, to translate the care to this new medium.* We succeed at times. We keep going. We realize this is certainly better than giving up, giving in to a deeper isolation, a deeper alienation from one another. We find that it matters to acknowledge what we are all going through, together.

the view from my second floor office                                                 7/1/20/20

I was able to reflect on the pandemic more deeply on a recent trip to the California high desert. Looking at the desolate landscape brought things to the surface more crisply.  I realized it was the small stuff—walking to and greeting a client in the waiting room, smiling in the same space, getting water or therapy tea, and carrying it into the shared space. Small talk while inhabiting the same room. Settling into our chairs and couches. Shifting our bodies for maximum comfort. Doing the work with two 3-dimensional bodies and nervous systems. Watching the ticking clock in the room. Walking my client out.

“The worker can create nothing without nature, without the sensuous external world. It is the material on which his labor is realized, in which it is active, from which, and by means of which it produces.” -Economic and Philosophical Manuscripts of 1844. Estranged Labour Karl Marx

fern recovering from heat wave                                                            8/13/21                                                                  

So now, 17 months into this mess with no sign of it ending, and perhaps a second challenging fall and winter ahead, I must pivot again. Except, in a different direction. Inward. And then, outward, with a more embodied effort at reconnection. Unalienating myself from the labor. Reaching into the computer with my authentic truth and speaking it aloud. “Client, I really miss seeing you in person.”

*I am in awe of what my clients and I have actually been able to accomplish in this medium. I deeply appreciate them and their ability to survive/thrive in this current world.

References

https://www.marxists.org/archive/marx/works/1844/manuscripts/labour.htm

[purplesurveys]

1028

survey by lets-make-surveys

1 - What was the last thing you watched on TV? The last TV show I watched was Friends, but the last thing I saw on TV was the evening news, as is always our companion when having dinner.

2 - Do you have the heating or air conditioning on at the moment? I have the fan on, like always. I just turn on the aircon in the evening because I want to be comfortable after a long day and when trying to fall asleep.

3 - When was the last time you did something to help someone else? Andi was having a dilemma about an already-secure job offer for a position they don’t 100% like vs. a job they know they would enjoy a lot more but isn’t guaranteed at all. I helped weigh out the pros and cons with them, but I didn’t necessarily stick to a position as I didn’t want to dictate a choice for them.

4 - If you have a job, have you been busier or quieter since the whole COVID thing hit? I was a student, then was unemployed, then got hired throughout this COVID fiasco so far. For the first two, life had been quiet for me and I really hated feeling like having no contribution at home. My plate is definitely a lot fuller now and I’m glad I have things to do and earn for myself while doing so.

5 - Do you spend more time on your own or with others? Are you happy with that? On my own. I think it’s best for me at the moment.

6 - Do you know anyone who has been diagnosed with autism? Yes.

7 - Have you had your wisdom teeth removed? What about your tonsils or your appendix? None of these. I’ve had a tooth removed, but it wasn’t a wisdom tooth.

8 - Are you scared of needles? Very. I hate most sharp things, and I am an embarrassment whenever I’m at the hospital and need to be pricked with something.

9 - Do you dress more for comfort, fashion or practicality? I try to strike a balance between comfort and fashion, but sometimes I’ll prioritize comfort and sometimes I’ll prioritize fashion. But practicality is definitely barely in my criteria when picking outfits.

10 - When was the last time you smoked a cigarette? I think it may have been February. I only smoke with other people and I’ve never bought my own pack.

11 - Would you rather drink tea, coffee, hot chocolate or water? In the grand scheme of things, water. But right now, a hot chocolate sounds heavenly.

12 - Do you have a lot of ornaments around your house? Yes. We also have our Christmas tree already up, so that has also boosted the amount of ornaments we have.

13 - Do you own more books or DVD’s? Books. While I have a number of DVDs, I never really an avid collector of them. My dad introduced me to torrent websites at a young age so that’s how I’ve been getting movies for the longest time.

14 - How often would you say you took surveys? Throughout the quarantine I had taken surveys daily. But with me now having work and usually being too exhausted by the end of the day, I think I’ll be back to taking surveys only on weekends now like how it was when I was in school. 

15 - Have you ever worn a uniform to school or work? Yes, I had to wear a uniform in my old school.

16 - Who was the first person you had a sleepover with? Are you still in touch with that person today? It would have to be either Angela or Gabie. Yes, I still talk to both.

17 - When you were growing up, did you have any friends who were almost like family to you? Katreen’s and Angela’s families were second families to me. For a time back in grade school, Katreen’s mom actually used to pick me up alongside Katreen every Friday and then I would stay at their place until around 9 PM, when my mom would get back from work and pick me up. They did such a wonderful job making me feel like family, and I hope they’re all doing well today.

18 - Could you cook an entire Christmas or Thanksgiving Dinner entirely on your own with no help from other people or recipe books? Yes but it would not be edible.

19 - Do you cook from scratch or do you rely more on ready meals or frozen food? I rely on people in my family who can actualy cook, ha.

20 - What’s your favourite type of fast food? Is it something you eat often? KFC would have to be my favorite. Those 11 herbs and spices don’t fuck around, man. It’s not the cheapest of fast food options, so I don’t get to have it a lot and it’s usually tradition for me to get KFC only when I feel like I deserve a reward for an accomplishment or after a grueling week.

21 - If you’ve been under a lockdown or stay-at-home order, what did you find the most difficult about it? Not having been able to see my friends, go out as a group, and stay out late. Also, not getting a normal college graduation and being unable to spend my last semester as a college student just being a dumb college student doing dumb college student things.

22 - Do you still buy or read any magazines? I’ll sometimes read the online versions of magazines especially if one of them comes out with a compelling article, but I don’t follow any of them religiously.

23 - As a teenager, what did you spend most of your pocket money or allowance on? I went out with friends on the weekends, so my savings mostly went to food and Uber (back when we still had Uber, and back when none of us could drive yet).

24 - Do you have much of a sweet tooth? I have my moods for sure, but I love savory a lot more.

25 - Are there any common “popular” foods that you don’t particularly like yourself? Have people ever told you you’re odd/strange for disliking that particular food? Fruits. I get judged for it all the time, but I honestly live for the reactions hahaha. To this day it’s still my go-to fact to say whenever I have to share something about myself. There’s also sinigang, but that is such a universally-loved food and is such a huge source of pride for Filipinos that I just keep it to myself because people get genuinely annoyed/offended when they hear that I don’t like sinigang LOL

26 - Likewise, are there are any commonly hated foods that you love? BALUT

27 - Would you rather eat pizza or pasta? Pizza. Easy.

28 - Do you own a lot of store loyalty cards? I just have the one for my gas station, so no.

29 - When was the last time you read a newspaper? I had to view a newspaper article for work yesterday, but I have not read a full newspaper in years.

30 - What kind of noises can you hear around you right now? There’s the fan in my room and construction outside our house.

--

survey by lets-make-surveys

1 - Do you have a car? How long have you had it and how much did it cost? Yeah but it’s technically not mine; my parents made the purchase and they gave it to me as a high school graduation present. They’re also the ones who take care of and pay for its maintenance, like taking it to oil changes; so literally my only contribution has been to drive it HAHAHA. I’ve been driving it since 2016 and I’m pretty sure it cost them less than a million bucks. It was probably around P800,000–900,000.

2 - Who was the last person to send you a message on Facebook? Andi was checking up on how I’ve been. I appreciated that.

3 - What did you have for breakfast this morning? I haven’t had it yet but I will probably skip it. I might make myself coffee, though.

4 - Do you have any scented candles lit at the moment? I never have any scented candles.

5 - When was the last time you left your house? When will be the next time you go out? Yesterday afternoon. There was nothing left to do for work and my superiors hadn’t been asking me to do any tasks anymore, so I went out to get myself Starbucks before my shift was actually over, haha oops. I might be going out next Tuesday to pick up my new card from the bank.

6 - Does anyone in real life follow your survey blog? If so, does it make you think twice about some of your answers? If not, are you ever paranoid that someone will find your blog and read your answers? No. My sister has been wanting to make a survey blog but she just never got around to making it because she thinks she’ll end up being inactive; but that’s about it on the irl people front. If she ever makes one, I’d prefer we didn’t follow one another as doing so would make things awkward.

7 - When was the last time someone stopped talking to you? Have you made up with that person since? Gabie doesn’t speak with me regularly anymore. We’re not on bad terms so there’s nothing to make up, but she has told me it’s out of shame that she doesn’t initiate conversations with me these days. 

8 - Who was the last person you argued or bickered with? I haven’t had an argument with anyone in a while.

9 - Do you have anything planned for the rest of the day? If you’re about to go to bed, what are your plans for tomorrow? Catch up on surveys as I haven’t done them all week, anddddd figure out what to do with my embroidery kit as I’ve run out of the provided thread :(

10 - Did you have any e-mails in your inbox the last time you checked? It’s the weekend so no, I haven’t received anything new.

11 - What time did you wake up this morning? Did you have to set an alarm or did you wake up naturally? It was 7:08 AM when I had checked. I just woke up naturally.

12 - When was the last time it snowed where you live? Probably when it was still a part of Pangaea or something. We don’t get snow on this side of the world and the nearest place that does is probably like South Korea, which is not near us at all.

13 - Does it bother you if you’re wearing odd socks? Like, mismatched ones? No, I find it cute actually.

14 - Is there anything small that bothers you way more than it should? Right now. I had sent out an event invite to certain media last Thursday for work, and one of them replied only by 6 PM last night. I only saw it by 9:30 and replied, then she got back with a question by around 9:50 PM, and at that point I decided against replying because it was already nearing 10 PM and I didn’t want to be rude. I want to reply today but it’s the weekend and I don’t wanna be the jerk that brings up work on the weekend, but I also don’t want to leave her hanging because I had technically cut our conversation short. 

OK I spent the next 30 minutes thinking about it and I ended up replying hahaha. It just didn’t sit well with me to blow her off for the weekend when her last message was a question for me. So I answered her for her clarification, but I just made sure to let her know there’s no pressure for her to get back to me this weekend.

15 - Would you rather read a book, watch a film or play a video game? Watch someone play a video game, tbh.

16 - Why did you last attend a doctors’ appointment? Because my fever wasn’t going away and I wanted to get rid of it so bad.

17 - Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? The person from Pizza Hut who took my order, I think? lol

18 - How many different colours have you dyed your hair over the years? is your hair your natural colour at the moment? I’ve never had it dyed, so it has always been black.

19 - Do you prefer sweet or savoury snacks? I have moods for both, but as a whole I think I’d go for savory.

20 - When was the last time you got up to use the bathroom? A couple of hours ago.

21 - Do you spend more money on shoes or clothes? I spend more often on clothes but they aren’t always necessarily expensive. I don’t buy shoes often, but when I do they’re usually quite expensive, so. I’m not sure how to answer this question, but it goes two ways for me.

22 - Are you glad that Biden won the 2020 elections? I’m glad he won but at the end of the day he’s still just the lesser evil. I won’t really know anything until I see him and his moves in office, so I’ll have to wait until then.

23 - What kind of things do you do to try and save the planet? I segregate, turn off the faucet when it isn’t being used, never turn on my bedroom light, and before Covid I’d pick up trash I’d see at the mall.

24 - Are you, or have you ever been, vegetarian or vegan? I haven’t been either but I do opt for vegan options when I see one on the menu.

25 - What was the last thing you threw in the bin/garbage? A cotton bud.

26 - How many times a week do you exercise? Do you think that’s enough or should you really be doing more? I never do. I know I should probably do so, but eh.

27 - When was the last time you had to cancel or re-arrange plans you'd made? What was the reason behind it? LOL well...I’m currently having to rearrange and revise and adjust my entire life plans because of this stupid breakup.

28 - Have you ever had to wear braces? Yes. But I’ll have to avail them again because I did a terrible job keeping my retainers on.

29 - What cut of jeans do you prefer? Mom jeans that are a little more loose than skinny jeans, but aren’t too baggy.

30 - If you’re planning to spend the day at home, do you get properly dressed or just wear pyjamas? I wear my usual getup of a t-shirt/tank top and shorts.

--

survey by lets-make-surveys

1 - What’s the biggest argument you’ve ever had with a family member? Did things ever go back to how they were beforehand? It was an argument with the entire family, sans my sister who stayed silently watching during the whole thing as she hates conflict. We had just flown back to Manila from a vacation and we were all just tired and impatient and hungry, my mom found a way to shift the blame on me as per usual, some words were exchanged, and my brother ended up slapping me and it was on hell on earth from there. Things weren’t ok for a whole week, but slowly life went back to normal without us ever acknowledging it because we’re dysfunctional as fuck. The one thing that never ended up changing is my dynamic with my brother, with whom I stopped speaking permanently after what he did.

2 - Have you ever experienced some kind of natural disaster? A lot; my country is a big hot spot for typhoons, so we don’t really have a choice but to go through several of them every year. Sometimes it’ll get bad enough for us to make it to international news because our government doesn’t really do anything to help out victims.

3 - If you have pets, do you feed them human food or do they just get regular pet food? If they do get human food, what’s their favourite thing to have? They both get human food. I’m not sure what Cooper’s favorite is as Nina primarily feeds him; but Kimi is most obsessed with chicken.

4 - Have you ever been in a physical fight? Who won? Just play wrestling matches with my cousin when we were kids. He always won as he was older and a lot bigger than me.

5 - What were you lighting the last time you used a lighter or matches? I don’t light stuff up on my own because I’m scared of fire, but the last time we used matches was for lighting up our emergency candles because of the power outage from last week.

6 - What’s the weather currently doing where you are? It is annoyingly humid. I had to open my windows and roll up my window blinds today, which I hate having to do because it makes neighbors able to see my room and what I’m doing here -_____- I feel like I’m giving away my privacy every time I have to have the blinds up just to have colder air in.

7 - The last time you got up from your seat, what did you go and do? Before doing this I came from bed. When I felt like doing a survey I just got up and headed to my work desk.

8 - Name five things you’ve done so far today: Received a package for something I bought online, made myself a sandwich, ate cheese-flavored corn chips, watch a half-season of Friends, and bought another embroidery kit online (I’ve been calling it ‘cross-stitch’ this whole time but apparently that is wrong, whoops). Not a very productive Saturday, but it’s honestly ok considering I’m left exhausted from the past week.

9 - What’s the mode of transport that you take or use the most? I drive myself.

10 - When was the last time you got caught in a rain or snow storm? Were you dressed for it or did you end up getting soaked? Start of the month. I was driving to take Cooper to the vet when it suddenly started raining super hard, but it was only upon arriving at the clinic that I realized there wasn’t any umbrella in the car. Had to make a quick dash from the car to the nearest shade, all the while keeping Cooper under my jacket so that he stayed dry. I was soaked as shit but he was kept dry, which was all that mattered.

11 - Did your favourite Disney film come out before or after you were born? I have two favorites: Toy Story came out three years before I was born, but Tangled came 12 years after my birth.

12 - Are you a fan of musicals? No, I never saw the appeal.

13 - What the last thing you spent money on apart from necessities? My favorite coffee from Starbucks. It’s a win-win situation for me at the moment: my mom is asking for a Starbucks planner for Christmas, which means all I need to do for her gift is to keep ordering coffees from there until I’ve collected enough stickers to be entitled to a planner, heheh.

14 - Are there any sequels to things that you prefer to the original? Ooh, I’m not the biggest fan of movies that come in multiple parts so I don’t know if I have any picks. I can name covers that I like than the original songs, though.

15 - How often do you lose the remote control? I haven’t really sat down in front of a TV to watch shows since high school, so I haven’t temporarily lost a remote control since then.

16 - When was the last time you had problems with your internet connection? Last Thursday and Friday but only because the power went out.

17 - What games do you play on your phone, if any at all? I play 1010 the most, but I’ve got tons of other games that are just sitting in my menu just in case I’m suddenly in the mood to play them.

18 - Aside from family, who was the last person you spent time with? How do you know that person? I dunno, I guess the people in my work meeting video call yesterday afternoon? It was my first meeting with that particular team as the newbie at work, so I don’t actually know all of them that well yet.

19 - Are you currently warm, cold or just right? I am hot and irritated by it.

20 - Do you prefer showers or baths? When was the last time you had either? Showers; my last one was yesterday. My last bath was...no clue. Two years ago, maybe?

21 - Do you spend a lot of money on your appearance? I used to spend a lot on clothes, yeah, at least before Covid. But right now there really has been no point in upgrading my wardrobe, so I haven’t been buying any new pieces.

22 - When was the last time you spent more than £100 on something? Was it a necessity like a bill, or a treat for yourself? I have never spent ₱6,408 in one sitting, whether it be for myself, for a necessity, or for someone else. That’s crazy and will probably take a couple more years before I see myself making transactions that huge.

23 - Would you rather swim in the sea, a lake or a pool? Seeeeeeeea. I always feel at peace in the sea, and ugh I miss it so much.

24 - Have you ever had a zoo keeper experience or anything where you’ve been able to go behind the scenes and look after/feed the animals? I wouldn’t call it a zookeeper experience, but we went to some sort of animal park in Bali that let me carry and interact with all sorts of animals.

25 - Would you ever want the responsibility of being a politician or a similar position of power? Probably not. I don’t think I’d be able to handle it.

26 - How many times a week do you go to the grocery store? My parents go at least once a week to buy groceries.

27 - When was the last time you got a takeaway coffee or drink? Last night. Being able to earn money and spend it on myself and never have to ask from my parents anymore has been one of the highlights of my year so far, aaaahhhhh

28 - Do you quote films or TV shows as you’re watching them? If I love the film and memorize a chunk of the dialogue, yes. The movie I quote the most as I watch it is most definitely Titanic.

29 - What’s something your parents do that really annoys you? My dad doesn’t really do anything that annoys me. My mom doesn’t knock.

30 - If you had to quarantine for two weeks tomorrow due to testing positive to COVID, would you be able to survive on the things you had in your house? Yes. I’ll be locked in my room but my dad will probably be bringing me food, just the way he did when I got sick last May and had to isolate myself.

#survey #surveys #multiple ones so feel free to chop it up