#in what world was eddie calling buck ‘Evan’ traumatic

[writersmess]

Ok, first of all

I LOVED the buck fanfic you wrote the other day, my heart...melting! So, I came back with a New idea! (If you want it, of course)

Now. Season 6 Was a rollercoaster of emotions, especially when buck got Hit by lighting. What if his fiance (from your other work) is by him day and night, being all calm and optimistic, knowing buck. And when he finally draws his first breath all alone, she just falls on her knees, crying and finally letting it all out what she held back all this time?

Now, if you don't want to do it, just simply skip 😊 no one forces you. Anyway! Have a great time and take Breaks, think about yourself.

COME BACK (TO REALITY) | EVAN BUCKLEY

Pairing: Evan Buckley x fem!reader

Summary: After being proposed to by Buck in the middle of the night, you didn’t expect an accident to change the course of your lives.

Warning: Mental breakdown, crying, hospital, mention of being struck by lightning.

Word count: 1.5k

a/n: oh my god, I didn’t think it would take me so long to get back. these months have been so crazy at work, I’ve been doing crazy shifts and I’m trying to get my social life back together again. I’ve missed writing for our troublemaker boy.

I hope you enjoy it!!! And I apologize if there’s any mistakes, English is not my first language.

It can be read as a sequel to Vivid Dream.

Masterlist

...........................................

“buck had an accident, we’re at the hospital”

All it took was one message to turn your life upside down.

It’s funny how life is a great well of irony. you spend half of your life by yourself, sometimes hoping to find your soulmate, sometimes not. and then you find them. and they’re everything you didn’t even know you were looking for.

It was amazing how you and buck matched but at the same time were so different. you were adorable. had the warmest and the most welcoming smiles and hugs, and the best advice anyone could ever need. and you were determined, you knew what you wanted for your future, ever since you were a kid. and buck, well, it was buck. the boy who ran away in the hope of finding himself and finding the true meaning of happiness.

which he didn’t imagine that it would be in those sparkling eyes of yours or in that sincere smile on your lips.

and you also didn’t expect to find it so soon in a man like buck. so spontaneous, with such a beautiful smile, and with such a traumatic past.

and that was your fiancé now.

after proposing at 4am in the middle of a shift. with no ring and definitely with no preparation, but with the greatest love that could fit inside of that heart full os scars of him.

“going on a call. love you”

The opened and unanswered message screamed in the car holder as you drove through the dark and empty streets of L.A.

you didn’t know what to expect, what could have happened. you took deep and long breathes, your hands shaking as you gripped the steering wheel, your heart pounding.

“He was struck by lightning”

you knew all the risks that this job entailed, but this was something totally beyond your imagination. it was something impossible to predict.

you paced back and forth in the corner of the waiting room, not wanting to see the looks of pity from your friends. buck would be fine soon, he would face this like he faced everything else.

Eddie without saying a word stopped in front of you and waited until you noticed his presence, so he could hug you. and that’s exactly what you needed at the moment.

“only one of you can go and see him now”

before the doctor had finished his sentence you were at his side, walking with him to the room where your best friend, your fiancé, was.

and he was there. sedated. intubated. It’s like your world was one step away from falling apart. You’d never felt like this before, like control was out of your hands. you had it all figured out, all the plans, the dreams, the next steps, everything was millimetrically planned. and suddenly it wasn’t anymore. your eyes were on Buck lying on the gurney, in such a deep sleep, his face was confused, his frown slightly furrowed, as if he was in an argument, or frustrated.

a few days has passed and Buck’s condition was stable. the days had been grayer, your apartment was empty and you didn’t feel like working, at all. but you woke up every day, put a smile on your face and tried to be optimistic, you had faith that he would get well, he needed to. he needed to come back to you.

You didn’t know it, but 118 commented about you, they thought you were in a state of shock. you didn’t cry, quite the opposite, you always had a smile on your face. when someone was worried about Buck’s situation, you would put your hand on their shoulder and tell them that everything would be fine, that he would be back soon. Eddie was very worried. he knew you, and he knew that you were going to fall apart at any moment, and he hoped to be around when it happened.

you were coming into Buck’s room when you saw Chris talking to your unconscious fiancé, and your eyes automatically filled with tears. you kept quiet and stood in the corner watching the scene and could see Eddie drying his tears, and your heart sank. you needed the love of your life back, Eddie needed his best friend back, Chris needed his playmate back. Buck needed to come back, he needed to fill in the gaps that were open in so many hearts.

“hey buddy, how was your conversation with Buck?” you made yourself noticed when Chris finished talking to him and he smiled when he saw you.

“is he going to be okay right?” Eddie could see you trying hard to hold back the tears, something he didn’t even bother to hide anymore.

“of course sweety, he’ll come back to us”

***

it was mid-afternoon, you were sitting in the chair next to his bed, trying to read a book, when your mind started to take you to places you didn’t want to go. everything started coming at you hard, all these feelings. it was an anxiety crisis. you felt your heart pounding, difficulty in drawing in air, and tears began to fall.

you approached the bed and held tightly onto the hand of the man lying in that bed.

“babe I can’t do it anymore. I can’t put a smile on my face and pretend that everything is fine when it isn’t. I need you here with me. I know you’ll be fine, I know it. but Chris, Eddie, damn it, everyone, needs you back, we need you, I need you, and I don’t know how to go on without you here, I don’t know. So i need you to fight for me, for us, fight and win this battle babe, win it for me and don’t leave me, please don’t leave me”

And you couldn’t imagine it, but the other end of the line that connected Buck to this plan was in you. He clung to that, he clung to you, to the thought of having you again, and for that he fought, for you he broke the glass that separated him between dream and reality, between life and death, it was for you that everything was worth it. Because of you he would come back.

And he did it.

You could feel a grip on your hand, it was light, but it was there. your eyes widened and your heart skipped a beat. this couldn’t be a reflex, you couldn’t believe it was. and it really wasn’t, your Buck was coming back, he was reacting.

As if he’d sensed it, Eddie appeared in the room with the coffee he’d gone to grab, at the exactly moment your knees failed, and he held you.

“I-Is he...?”

“Hey hey, calm down”

You couldn’t complete the sentence, and before your friend could question you, you heard a weak cough, it was Buck, he really was there. back to you.

You were holding Buck’s hand as if your life depended on it, and to be honest, it kind of did. you, who had never fallen in love in your life, were completely surrendered to those blue eyes that you had begged to see again.

You didn’t notice the moment Eddie left the room, but when your eyes met Buck’s, you burst into tears. He couldn’t say much, and you didn’t even need or want him to try, he was there, that’s all that mattered at the moment. you had your head resting on your intertwined hands on the bed, and the sobs coming from your lips left the words stuck in your throat and in your mind. Buck slowly and painfully raised his trembling hand, reaching your head and resting his hand there.

He waited until you calmed down, and his chest tightened at the way you looked at him. your lips trembling and your face wet from the tears that kept falling down your cheeks.

“you’re back”

“for you” his voice was weak and hoarse.

“I never thought I could love someone the way I love you, buck. please don’t do it again, I know I can’t take it one more time” your voice was low and trembling.

“I proposed to you, I had to come back to make sure it would happen,” he whispered with that little smile on his lips.

“You idiot, you made me a promise to love me for the rest of my days, I was going to pick you up wherever you were,” you replied in a whisper and placed a light kiss on his lips, afraid of hurting him.

“I love you, and i’m going to keep that promise” he said and you nodded your head.

that intimate moment between you lasted only a few minutes, then the nurses and doctor entered the room to check on Buck and as soon as they allowed his friends to come in, the mess was made. there was laughter and loud conversation, happy hugs and stories about the day of the accident, you could hear “too soon?” too many times in a short period of time and all you could do was laugh.

You could see the happiness in your fiancé’s eyes as everyone gathered around, and you finally felt your heart calm down. he was really there, he came back to you and you could finally live out your vivid dreams together.

#911 imagine #evan buckley imagine #evan buckley x reader #911 fanfic #buck x reader #evan buck buckley

[exhuastedpigeon]

✨ 2023 writing round-up ✨

I posted the more words to Ao3 this year than I have in any other previous year, which is wild since I only really started writing again in June. It's wild the choke hold that Eddie Diaz and Evan Buckley have on me. Here's my writing round-up for 2023 :)

June

If we’re both still single… Teen || 2.9k

This was my first Buddie fic. Little did I know I was about to fall down the fucking rabbit hole.

“I’m sorry, you’re gonna have to repeat that for me?” Eddie had a beer halfway to his lips, his arm slung lazily on the back of the couch. “If we’re both still single when we’re 35, we should just get married,” Buck repeated, as casually as if he was saying they should order pizza or change the channel from the basketball game to hockey. 

let me see them tan lines Teen || 2.8k

Four times the 118 notices Eddie Diaz's ring tan line and one time he was wearing a ring.

give me a sign, I want you next to me Teen || 7k

Buck loves working at the 118. He loves living in LA. He loves his kid. He loves the life they've manage to build. The only thing he doesn't love is that his husband is across the world in a war zone. OR The 118 knows Buck has a really cute kid and a partner he loves, they just think that partner is his husbands ex.

July

it's like everything you say is a sweet revelation Mature || 5.6k

“Marry me,” Eddie said. It wasn’t a question, it was a sentence. He said it like he was commenting on the weather or last night's Dodgers game. Buck slowly lowered his coffee cup, eyes wide. Eddie lifted his drink and took a sip, a satisfied hum escaped him as he did. “Come again?” “Marry me,” Eddie took another sip of his coffee. “Please?”

boiling point Teen || 2k

Growing up, Buck heard the story about frogs and boiling water, that if you put a frog into boiling water, it’ll jump out, but if you put the frog is put in room temperature water and then slowly bring it to a boil, the frog won’t perceive the danger and will be boiled to death. When he was a kid, he had believed it, like so many other stories and fables. OR Evan Buckley's extremely extended metaphor for loving Eddie Diaz.

August

wet your lips (and smile to the camera) Mature || 6.8k

Buck has a problem and that problem is that Eddie Diaz is going to ruin his life. OR Eddie starts modeling on the side and Buck can't stop looking at his pictures, mostly because Eddie's ads are everywhere.

you are the only one that needs to know Teen || 2k

"You're not my dirty little secret. And I never want you to think that,” Buck says it practically into Eddie’s mouth, with a hand on Eddie’s chest. He shoves him, gently, into the Grant-Nash laundry room next to the bathroom. “But…” “But?” Eddie grins, feels the way Buck is grinning against his lips too and lets himself be moved backward until he collides with the washing machine. “But… I will miss sneaking off to make out with you when we finally tell everyone."

this kiss is something I can't resist Mature || 1.6k

Happiness snuck up on Evan Buckley like a summer storm in Florida, but unlike a summer storm, the happiness he was feeling didn’t seem to be going anywhere. If anything, it was getting bigger, the feeling threatening to jump out of his chest at any moment. 

take my hand, don't let it go Teen || 2.3k

In retrospect, dating a death doula pretty soon after one of the most traumatic experiences of Buck’s life, an experience where he actually died, was maybe not Buck’s smartest decision. In which Buck realizes that dating Natalia isn't what he needs and talks to Eddie about their shared death related trauma.

you're the cream in my coffee Explicit || 8.6k

“Dad, did you know there’s a coffee that’s made of poop!” “It’s not actually made of poop, bud,” Buck grinned, handing Eddie Chris’s backpack. “It’s partially digested cherries. The cherries actually ferment as they’re being passed through the civet’s intestines. They disinfect them and everything before they’re consumed.” “Yeah! That! It’s called copy loo-wake” “Kopi luwak.” “Uh huh!” “I take it you had fun with your Buck today, huh?” “Buck's the best dad!”

September

a dream is a wish your heart makes General || 3.3k

It takes a soft, domestic dream about Buck for Eddie to realize what's been true for a long time - he's in love with his best friend.

October

Hot and Heavy Explicit || 9.4k

Eddie can admit without shame that he’s having a bit of a hoe phase. He’s thirty, recently out of the closet, and even more recently single, he’s allowed to have some fun. In fact, he’s pretty sure it’s basically a requirement that he fuck around since he didn’t get to do it when he was younger. OR Five times Eddie had casual sex with someone who wasn't Buck and the time they finally got their shit together

Feels Like Magic Teen || 47.8k

“You used too much magic again,” Buck’s voice was quiet as he spoke, but he knew Eddie heard him. “You’re alive,” Eddie’s eyes were closed, but Buck knew the look Eddie would be giving him if they had been open. It was the same look Eddie had given him when he had said ‘because, Evan, you think you’re expendable but you’re not’. It was a look that made Buck feel truly and completely seen in a way he never had before. “There’s no such thing as too much if it saves you.” “Go to sleep,” Buck said, because if he left himself say anything else he’d be telling Eddie he loved him and he didn’t think in the bunk room at two in the morning after an exhausting call was the right moment, but then again, Buck was pretty sure he’d be taking that secret to his grave.

November

kiss and make up Explicit || 3.3k

Eddie always thought that if he and Buck ever kissed it would be in the heat of the moment, it would be pure relief that they were still alive. Maybe after a big rescue or (another) near death experience. That if it wasn’t in the heat of the moment as they both came down from an adrenaline rush that it would be something soft, probably in one of their kitchens while they did the dishes. He always figured that the first kiss would be like a homecoming. (Not that Eddie thought about kissing Buck often, because he doesn’t do that.) Instead of being soft and sweet or adrenaline fueled and filled with love and thanks that they're both alive, their first kiss comes in the middle of a fight in Eddie’s living room.

gold when you see me Teen || 4.3k

"Ouch,” Eddie says when he lands, his teeth clacking in his head. His ass hurts in an extremely unfun way, his ankle feels terrible, and he’s seeing spots. None of that is good news. “Eddie?” Buck sounds panicked. “Eddie?” “Down here,” Eddie calls up. He’s definitely going to have a bruised tail bone and there’s a pretty decadent chance that he’s sprained his ankle, if not broken it. He’s a little too shaken up to try to get up right now, especially since it's not like he’s not going to be able to get himself out of here. He takes a deep breath and feels every second of it in his ribs. On the bright side, they don't feel broken, just bruised. Buck’s face, illuminated by nothing but Eddie’s flashlight and Buck’s own, appears in the hole that Eddie fell through. “You okay?” Eddie will explore the tremor in Buck’s voice later, right now he needs to get out of this fucking hole before it caves in even more. “Definitely a little banged up, but I landed on the ground, not anything else.”

wanna lose my mind in a hotel room with you Explicit || 4.1k

"Think you’ll ever have that kind of love?” Eddie asks as he leans against the wall with a beer in his hand at Maddie and Chimney’s engagement party. He’s got a fond look on his face, if not a little wistful as he turns to face Buck. “I hope so,” Buck says with a small smile on his face as he looks from Maddie and Chim dancing with Jee-Yun between them to Eddie. He’s pretty sure he’s already got half of a love like that standing next to him, he just isn’t sure if it’s reciprocated. “I-I really hope so.” “Want to dance with me?” Eddie asks after a few seconds of quiet between them, his eyes bright in the yellow light of the string lights that crisscross the patio. 

December

it hurts to hope for more Mature || 15.5k

“I’m never - I’m never going to be a dad,” Buck sobs into Eddie’s shoulder. “She didn’t want kids. Why do I keep dating people who don’t want the same things as me? Is- is the universe telling me that I don’t deserve it?” “Hey, no,” Eddie pulls back from the hug and Buck lets out a pitiful sound at the loss of contact. “The universe doesn’t do that. The universe doesn’t scream and it definitely doesn’t get to tell you what you deserve, because you deserve everything Buck. Everything.” OR Buck wants to be a dad, it takes a couple break-ups and a major non-romantic heartbreak for him to figure out that maybe he already is.

can't make it stop, give me all you got Explicit || 4.1k

“Are we really doing this?” Buck’s lips graze the shell of Eddie’s ear as he speaks. They're in a club, the music is loud, so Eddie would have chalked the proximity of Buck’s mouth up to that, but Buck nips at his earlobe. “I think we are,” Eddie grins and turns his face to capture Buck’s mouth with his. He doesn’t care that they’re probably in view of all of their friends. He doesn’t care that there are sweaty, dancing bodies all around them. All he can think about is the way Buck’s hands feel on his waist, the way Buck’s breath hitches as Eddie grabs a handful of his ass. OR Eddie and Buck fuck in a club at Pride

#2023 writing round up #writing round up #buddie #my fic #my fics #my writing

[fortheloveofbuddie]

Fuck It Friday

Tagged by my lovelies @daffi-990 and @jesuisici33 💗

Yet another continuation of my little mini series: When Hearts Collide (Can I Take Your Hand?)

Will be tagged by the series name from now on ✨

Find the prev eps here and here

Eddie’s mouth seemed to dry up on the spot and he blinked a few times, trying to grasp the question that Buck had just asked him.

The fact that he had asked for permission to kiss him instead of just doing it, sent shivers down Eddie’s spine and it wasn’t until Buck spoke again that he realized that he hadn’t answered yet.

“Eddie?” Buck chuckled softly, playing with Eddie’s fingertips.

“I’m sorry, what?” Eddie said as his eyes never left Buck’s plump lips.

Pink, plump lips that had been on his mind before. Maybe not always as innocently as this time, he couldn’t deny that.

Buck slowly retracted a hand from Eddie’s and lifted his head up, a finger placed beneath his chin, which allowed Eddie to somewhat focus again.

“I asked if it would be alright if I kissed you”

Buck’s voice sounded like a little bit impatient yet also playful, Eddie’s reaction amusing him. Yet it filled him with immense joy when he watched Eddie’s face light up in a warm, heartfelt smile.

“I always convinced myself that I would be the one who would make the first move”

The words out of Eddie’s mouth were barely a whisper, like only he and Buck existed in this moment.

“Is that so?”

Buck’s hand wandered from Eddie’s chin to the side of his face, cupping his strong jaw.

“Yes” Eddie mumbled, feeling himself grow weak at Buck’s touch.

Over the years, Buck had always made an effort to touch Eddie in any way that he could.

A firm hand on his shoulder, fingertips brushing across his lower back, thighs pressed together in the fire engine whenever they were going out on a call, a careful grab on his hips after ending a hug.

Not to mention the eye contact that always lingered. Eddie had caught Buck looking at him so many times with immense affection radiating through his entire being.

This touch was gentler than all the other times and the soft look on Buck’s face definitely didn’t make it easier for Eddie’s knees to stay steady.

“Well I hate to tell you this but you’re wrong”

Buck grinned before he leaned in, allowing his lips to lock with Eddie’s in a long expected kiss.

It took Eddie about half a second to return the kiss, his arms subconsciously wrapping around the back of Buck’s neck, his heart beating hard and fast against his ribs.

Buck’s lips were like an actual piece of heaven; warm, alluring, even slightly wet and they tasted sweet, a hint of his vanilla flavored chapstick lingering.

Eddie had always teased him about that stupid chapstick yet now, it was the perfect one for him.

He felt Buck’s hands on his hips, his grip tightening as the kiss went on, his body almost trembling as he got to touch and taste him like this.

“God, I’m so in love with you, Evan” Eddie softly breathed out against Buck’s lips, not wanting the moment to come to an end.

He didn’t even realize the words that came out of his mouth until he saw Buck’s face beaming in a wide and elated expression.

The two of them were almost completely entangled, not minding the world around them despite being the middle of a parking lot. It didn’t matter who saw them, all that mattered was this.

This kiss, the soft embrace and the love that was clearly between them, a love than was more than just friendly. A love that had been forged by leaning on each other for emotional support, safety and unconditional love through all of the traumatic experiences that they had shared. It felt unbreakable because they had built a bond up like this, worked through all of their struggles, both professionally and personally.

As he slowly unwrapped himself from Buck, Eddie felt a sense of peace and comfort in knowing that he hadn’t just been imagining things.

“How-… how long?” Buck was now the one to feel shy and Eddie let his hands find Buck’s again, his lips almost tingling from their kiss.

“Almost from the beginning of it all. So uh-… five years” Eddie explained and without hesitation, placed another warm kiss on Buck’s lips, knowing that he was allowed to do that now.

Tagging!! @eddiediaztho @bucksbirthmark @disasterbuckdiaz @wildlife4life @forthewolves @thewolvesof1998 @theotherbuckley @watchyourbuck @wikiangela @excuseme-greentea @giddyupbuck @callaplums 💗🦋

#buddie #eddie diaz #evan buckley #911 on abc #oliver stark #911 on fox #edmundo diaz #ryan guzman #buddie wip #buddie fanfic #buddie fic #fuck it friday #fortheloveofbuddie writes #911hiatus2023 #911 verse #buck x eddie #evan buck buckley #mini series #when hearts collide (can i take your hand?)

[carlando]

Wait hi, i don’t watch 911 and know nothing about it but many of my mutuals do and everyone is freaking out, are y’alls blorbos getting canon or what?

So long story short, we’ve (the fans) waited seven years for the confirmation that a character (Buck; Evan Buckley) is bisexual after it was hinted to, joked about, subtextual, and right there. Spoiler, he kissed another guest character (Tommy) in tonight’s episode, Buck’s first kiss with someone on screen who was not a woman. And we’ve seen him kiss a whole lot of women (rightfully so).

Buck was introduced as a young firefighter, a womanizer and egotistical charmer who wasn’t sure of his place in the world and who struggled to foster lasting connections with others.

The last seven years of the show detail his growth from that kid into a man reunited with his sister, happy with his found family within the firehouse, a surrogate father in his captain Bobby, a surrogate mother in Bobby’s wife Athena, a sibling-like bond with Hen and Chimney (his soon to be brother in law) and Eddie. Recovering from childhood trauma thanks to his negligent parents, plenty of near-death experiences, the so called lost cause.

Eddie was introduced later in the game, the second season, as an ex-military single father of one, a young son named Chris (who was born with cerebral palsy). Buck doesn’t like him immediately but they’ve gotten so close to the point of Buck acting as Chris’ other parent and Eddie’s bestest friend. Eddie signed over emergency custody of Chris to Buck in case of his untimely death. It’s very serious, you can imagine. But on screen they are just friends. The audience isn’t so sure that’s all it is, they’ve believed it to be romance for so long. Myself included that is. Struggles with never being enough, his post traumatic stress disorder, his masculinity and not airing out his stress and depression, the tough guy.

Explicitly queer Buck was delayed by the previous and original network of the show, which refused to greenlight the story and continued to bait it. Some writers and some actors were onboard with it forever, but it wasn’t in their hands. The move to ABC (from FOX) and the return of showrunner and creator Tim Minear guaranteed it’d come to fruition.

It opens the door to the possibility of Buck and Eddie finally being addressed as maybe, together romantically but it’s a halfway there situation as Eddie has only dated women on screen, too. No matter to all the subtextually queer writing the character’s got.

But Eddie told Buck a few seasons ago, canonically “Buck, there’s nobody else in this world I’d trust with my son more, than you.” After Buck saved Christopher’s life in a tsunami. Eddie’s said to Buck after getting shot (and being saved by Buck, who was right in front of him as it happened) “You act like you’re expendable, but you’re wrong.”

They’ve survived and gotten strengthened by that tsunami we talked about, Buck getting pinned by a firetruck and the fallout of a lawsuit lodged by him against the fire department, Eddie getting stuck in a well under like fifty feet of mud trying to save a kid at night in a rainstorm and Buck clawing at the ground to get him out, Eddie getting shot and Buck crawling under a firetruck to get to him and get him safely out of there and to a hospital, Buck getting struck by actual lightning and Eddie climbing up a ladder to get him down and screaming out for him.

That’s just the crazy stuff, I can’t get into the domestic cause we’ll be hear all day covering how the support each other when it comes to family issues, kid issues and romance issues. But tonight’s episode was all about Buck being jealous that Eddie got a new friend (Tommy) and ended with Buck being kissed by a man for the first time in his life. So, yeah. Impending, canon?

#responses #anonymous

[trashendence]

So, first of all how dare you make me laugh at something so dark (but I really did).

I think a lot about how this episode, at that particular moment, is the one and only time we ever got anyone — Buck, Eddie, or any other character — refer to them as "best friends." And he said it about ten minutes (or maybe a few days in show time) before "there's no one in this world I trust with my son more than you," in this episode that was the launch of the love story.

Just thinking how 911 is so precise and intentional, with everything, but especially with Buck and Eddie. No best friends, no uncle Buck (only *his* Buck), and we got the dreaded "brothers" only twice, earlier in Season 2, before everything changed.

I think about this a lot.

i’m glad it made you laugh, friend, because it was indeed a bit dark. (i also think you were the one to point out to me that this was the first and last ‘best friend’ to ever be voiced in relation to buddie which- changed me on a molecular level so yeah, thanks for that.)

it’s just that 9-1-1 doesn’t shy away from defining relationships, ever. and it has nothing to do with labels, rather with the fact that its storytelling needs to give structure and permanency to the deep affection running between characters. spouses, best friends, brothers, sisters, parents, sons. since the show is extremely fast-paced, this solid network of love and its unconditionality is what keeps everything together. and yet, for buck and eddie’s love to not be clearly defined for years is somehow…fitting.

i mean, this last ‘best friend’ happens at the heart of an arc that sees buck clinging with his everything to his ‘firefighter buckley’ persona because he’d feel like nothing without it and it also happens at the emotional climax of the episode chris spent looking specifically for ‘buck’, his buck who couldn’t hear him in the middle of a natural disaster — “are you buck? he was looking for buck”. and for someone like evan buckley? who is so deeply wounded and traumatized that even hearing his own true name touches way too many hidden buttons? it means a lot; names, definitions, roles — they matter . “there’s no one in this world [like you]”, or “there’s - there has been - no one in this world that even has a similar role in my life, no one that exactly compares, so i don’t know what i’m supposed to call you. you are buck.”

and to think that immediately after all of this, when eddie feels lost because he can’t reach out to buck — because he can’t call anyone from the 118 AND he can’t call buck —, buck’s fear is precisely that he’s been replaced by lena (whose name he physically strips off to uncover his own). there’s no one in this world, no one compares, and buck thinks lena — basically a stranger — has what it takes to replace ‘firefighter buckley’ and ‘buck’. thinks he’s expendable like that.

buck and eddie go on by exclusion, work in negatives — ‘what we are not’, ‘i am important if you die; i am necessary if you are not anymore’ — and they haven’t been able to define what they are to each other because eddie always had a problem accepting what he wants - to be, to have - while buck never really knew what to want in the first place.

but they’ll get there.

#i think about this a lot too (CLEARLY) #the Pure Rage i felt at the italian dub going ‘he’ll stay with his *friend* buck today’ during that one scene with chris. the point? missed. #aaaaanyways #i love the domino of unhingedness here so thank you for the ask <3 #iri got asked

[tarlos-spain]

Sicktember - Sick at work

Famdon: 9-1-1

Pairing: Eddie Diaz/Evan “Buck” Buckley

Characters: Eddie Diad, Evan “Buck “ Buckley

Time of truth

Everything si different for Eddie after the shooting begining with himself and ending with his feelings for Buck.

Eddie refreshed his face and looked in the mirror. He looked awful, but he had been determined to go to work as if the world could go on spinning if he didn't go to the barracks that day.

It had been three weeks since the shooting, his body had recovered well, the doctors were amazed at how quickly the wound had healed. Physically everything was perfect, there was no damage to the arm, the lung was intact, they had seen no reason not to give him the go-ahead to work.

Luckily the doctors were not able to see what was going on in his head, otherwise, he would be on sick leave for at least a couple more months, with daily visits to the psychologist.

He had hardly slept at all, although, in those last few days, sleep was totally overrated. Every time he closed his eyes she imagined herself in the shooting, everything was happening all over again, and all night long he kept seeing what had happened over and over again.

It was certainly better not to sleep.

"Hey, Eddie. I didn't know you were coming back today."

He turned around, Buck was standing in the bathroom doorway, staring at him, smiling, calm, though he knew him well enough to know he was making a great effort to hide the concern he felt for him.

"Yeah, I talked to Bobbie yesterday and told her I was tired of spending the day at home alone. Christopher is at school all day and at night he's exhausted, he just feels like eating dinner, watching a little TV, and going to sleep." "Well, if the doctors have told you that you can come back, then great. You were missed less in the truck." "But if you come home every day, you see more of me than any of the team." "Yeah, but it's not the same. You're a fundamental part of this family here." "And when you come home for the day, am I not a fundamental part of your family? Or do you just come out of pity?" "I did NOT want to...

Eddie threw the towel he was holding at her and laughed.

"It's a joke, relax. I missed that too, being able to mess with you without Christopher jumping to defend you."

He turned back to the mirror and then he saw it, Buck's clothes stained with blood, in the same spot where the bullet had penetrated him. Buck looked at him, his face was covered in blood, the same kind he had seen before he lost consciousness and his expression was terrified.

"Buck!"

He turned to his partner and walked the two steps that separated them, grabbed him by the shoulders, and realized it was still a game of his wounded mind. Buck was fine.

"Eddie are you okay?" "Yeah, sorry I...sorry."

Suddenly nausea came and he had to lock himself in the first booth so he could vomit without making a mess on the floor. He stood there for a moment, kneeling on the floor, hugging the toilet.

"Eddie, is everything all right? You're scaring me." "Yeah, take it easy, go get breakfast, I'll catch you now." "Are you sure? I don't mind waiting for you." "Don't be melodramatic, go before Chim gets all the croissants." "Okay, I'll save you a couple, but if you need anything, let me know."

When he heard the bathroom door close and he was left alone, Eddie sat down on the floor and looked at his hands.

They were shaking, he knew the feeling because it wasn't the first time it had happened to him. Some said it was a panic attack, others called it post-traumatic shock; he had always said it was bullshit.

He clenched his hands, closed his eyes, and told himself he couldn't keep thinking about something that had happened, something painful and terrible, yes. It had been one of those moments when he wondered what would become of Christopher if something happened to him. Hence she had opted for Buck to become the legal guardian if the worst came to the worst.

"I'm sorry, I know I should have left and I'm sorry I didn't," Buck said from the other side of the cabin door. "What I'm not sorry for is listening to what you just said." "Did I say it out loud?" "Yes, and I didn't know you were worried about me too. I mean, you got shot, you almost died and you still think something bad might happen to me."

Eddie smacked himself in the forehead for being so stupid.

He shouldn't have gone to work, it was too soon. He should have waited for the nightmares to pass, the other time, coming back from Afghanistan, they had passed. His parents wanted him to go talk to a psychologist, but he had always been able to get back to being himself, on his own. He didn't need the help of a guy who charged a hundred dollars an hour to tell him he was struggling with trauma.

"I always worry about you, or haven't you noticed yet?" "Eddie, man; I have nightmares about you dying and you're still hell-bent on protecting me. Open that door because I don't know if I want to kick your ass or hug you."

Eddie threw up again.

It was making life horrible for everyone. Christopher was having a hard time, just like Buck, just like him, he was suffering from nightmares. But Christopher was ten years old, that trauma was going to take its toll.... whether it was happening to Buck or himself.

"Eddie, come on man, open the door. You know I'm not moving from here until you do. Making me your son's keeper in case something happens to you, assumes I have to keep something bad from happening to you to get to that. Open the door please."

Suddenly Buck's voice sounded so close, Eddie feared he might be able to walk through the door and it made him shudder, but instead of making him feel more nauseous, the thought comforted him.

He got to his feet, he couldn't stay stuck in there forever, especially if he didn't want anyone else's questions.

He opened the door and before he could do anything or move, Buck threw his arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. Eddie took a step back but held still in place.

He was no stranger to Buck's hugs or to hugging him himself, but this was different, he could feel it in Buck's strength in that he had almost stopped breathing, in that he wouldn't part from him and in that he didn't want to part from his best friend.

"Don't you ever do anything like that to me again?" Buck said almost in his ear. "And if you feel like puking or screaming, you know where I am." "To hold my forehead while I throw up? It's a grand gesture but it's not necessary." "Miera you're stupid sometimes, Diaz," Buck said as he pulled away from his friend.

But Eddie grabbed him, pulled him into the booth, pushed him against the wall, and kissed him hard without letting go...though neither is Buck tried to break free. They stood there for a few seconds, their bodies fused into one, time had stopped and that kiss had become the only thing that mattered to Eddie.

Once he let him go Buck gave him a little shove.

"What are you doing, what about Anna?" Eddie burst out laughing without answering. "What's so funny?" "That you're supposed to be with someone too. Or have you already forgotten about Taylor?" "Yeah well... but what was that for?" "Because you said so, I almost died and when I think about something happening to you I find myself throwing up in despair. It comes from the fact that I can't deny how I feel about you." "Are you saying..." "I'm saying that I've been a stupid man who thought the right thing to do was to find a woman, because of Christopher and a lot of stupid things." Buck nodded. "But what I really want is for you to talk to Anna, take you home and tell Christopher that, if you want to, we're together." "What about Taylor? What about me? Have you thought about what I want?"

Eddie kissed him again and again Buck didn't stop him, rather he did the opposite, he grabbed Eddie by the hips and pulled him in.

"You're such a bastard Diaz." "Are you in love with Taylor?" "You're using too big a word." Eddie waited for the answer. "No, I like her, we've slept together and we have good chemistry...when we work on some case, but no, I'm not in love with her." A third kiss added more forcefulness to his words. "And I thought I died while we were taking you to the hospital. You're not the only one with nightmares every night." "Sleep with me tonight, I think we'll fight the nightmares better together." "Okay but first we have to talk to certain girlfriends."

#Sicktember 2021 #Sick at work #9-1-1 #Eddie/Buck #Post ending season 4 #post shooting

[anon911andbuddie]

Buck Begins

So...this is what I’ve been working on for the past week and a half. I hope that the show will expand on even some of the things we’ve been gifted through the show! Here’s my take. Also, the ending is kind of trash, so...sorry in advance.

-Red💋

Warnings: cursing, bad parenting, self deprecation, dissociation, past trauma, descriptions of past trauma, Evan Buckley definitely needs a hug, hurt children, minor character deaths, traumatic calls involving kids

Seeing them, the world fell away. He thought he had left them behind when he left Hershey. He hadn’t wanted to see them again. It was no secret that he hadn’t had the best childhood growing up. His parents weren’t bad people, they just weren’t meant to be parents. But standing there, Evelyn and James Buckley brought back every bad memory of his childhood. On top of the day he was having, Buck wasn’t sure he would be able to handle the chat they were here to have. 

_______________

The day started like any other. Buck woke up, sent Eddie a text about something he’d researched the previous day, and made a protein shake. He went out on a run, returning in an hour to shower and get ready for work. Before leaving his apartment, he checked his phone to see Eddie had replied to his text asking why he’d be researching the logistics of helicopters along with saying he’d be missing work because Christopher was sick. With that, Buck had wished the little boy well and told Eddie to text him if he needed anything though his mood dimmed at the knowledge he’d be without Eddie for the day. Then, he’d left for work. 

The start of the shift was slow. By the time they’d gotten their first call, the trucks had been washed down and the bay cleaned. It was weird not to work with Eddie. They’d become attached at the hip at work. Partners that didn’t need to talk to communicate to one another. One look and they knew what the other was thinking. Without him, Buck felt weird, as he tended to feel on the rare occasions they worked opposite shifts. The feeling that Buck was having as they left for their first call was different than the one he usually has on days without Eddie. He’s dreading the call...something feels off about it all. 

Cardiac events are a typical call for firemen. Buck and Eddie would help on crowd control while Chim and Hen did their thing with the patient...but it wasn’t a normal patient. A fifteen year old kid suffering a cardiac event. The crowd was dense, but they stayed back respectfully while Chim and Hen worked. Buck turned to watch. The kid had barely started their life out, and his heart had stopped. Chim and Hen tried to resuscitate, but the boy was long gone. The ride back to the station had been a dark silence. 

The next call wasn’t much better. Two twin nine year old girls had been dared to go into the condemned building at the end of their street to prove themselves not to be cowards. One of the twins had found a weak spot in the floor and fell through. The other had gone to get help. Looking down at the nonresponding twin as he was hooked up, Buck couldn’t help but think of Chris. What if one of his ‘friends’ dared him to do something this stupid? Chris never wanted to disappoint anyone...he could put himself in danger just as these twins had. 

It didn’t help the rescue that the rope snapped halfway down to get the girl, causing Buck to think quickly in order not to crush the prone nine year old on his way down. The way she had fallen, she’d gone through two floors before hitting the basement. The first floor wasn’t stable enough for the winch system so they had set up shop on the second floor meaning Buck was almost on the first floor when the rope snapped. 

After assurances that he was alright, nothing was broken, he’d just have some bruising, Buck was back focusing on the nine year old. She hadn’t woken in his fall. She was still breathing, thank God. Buck had attached a neck brace and harness by the time another rope was sent down. He’d been quick in getting the girl attached to the rope and had been sure to stand under her in case the rope she was attached to decided to give way as his had. Thankfully, the girl was fine as she reached the second floor and Bobby helped Hen to get her loaded on a backboard and taken out of the building. In record time, Buck was being checked out by Chim to make sure nothing was out of place after his fall. The nine year old was fine, but that didn’t stop Buck’s thoughts from wondering to Chris, making a note to talk to the little man about acceptable dares and what not. 

The crew barely had enough time to eat lunch before another call came in. This had them responding to a rollercoaster malfunction. Buck hated rollercoaster calls. Ever since he had to watch as he couldn’t save the man he’d tried so hard to save. Had to watch as he fell...as he hit the ground. As they pulled up to the scene, Buck tensed. He really hated rollercoasters. It looked much like that rescue two years ago...and Buck didn’t want to fail again. 

Most of the rescue went fine until they had fifty percent of the passengers off. Metal started to creak, things shifted and a couple of victims were left hanging on for dear life as the bar securing them came loose. And fuck if Buck wasn’t getting flashbacks. They needed to work faster. Hen and Chim were trying their hardest to get those who had lost their support and Buck was trying to keep the others calm as he worked to free them. He didn’t want a repeat of last time. He refused for that to be the outcome of this rescue. 

Nothing else went wrong until they were down to two passengers. There was no way for Buck to release the bar and get them both out without one of them falling. He could see the male, no older than sixteen, wasn’t faring well. His friend, again sixteen at most, was pleading with Buck to save him. She didn’t care what happened to her, she just wanted him to live. And fuck if Buck couldn’t feel tears building behind his eyelids. He couldn’t see how he would be able to save both of them. 

In the end, Bobby had set up an inflatable rescue mat to catch the teen Buck couldn’t grab. Buck wanted to find a silver lining in the rescue, but even he knew a fall from this height, especially if she couldn’t correct herself to fall on her back, would likely kill her. He explained all of this to her and she took it in stride, giving him a wet smile and telling him that it would be worth it if her friend lived. 

Buck had lost both of them. 

The second Buck had released the bar and grabbed onto the sixteen year old closest to him, the teen had started to fight him. He had shouted that if she died, he deserved to die with her. His struggling ended with Buck flipping over the side of the machinery he was on, his clip straining against the jostling of keeping himself and the teen from falling. The basket he was in had groaned at the change in weight distribution...then the teen had twisted his arm painfully-something he hadn’t expected-and Buck’s grip had loosened in surprise. 

The teen fell.

He lost them both.

_______________

Eddie had updated him throughout the shift on how Chris was doing. It seemed Superman was getting better as the day went on. That made Buck’s day a little better, but it also made him miss the Diaz boys more. Eddie would ask how the shift was going, but Buck would circle around the whole thing and comment on the dumb things Chim and Hen would say inbetween their calls. 

If Eddie could tell something was wrong, he didn’t let on through the texts he sent. So Buck spent his down time looking at pictures of Christopher, Eddie, and the three of them together. Buck was having a horrible shift and only wanted to be with his boys...but, as always, Karma had its way and he was stuck on the shift from Hell.

The calls they had through the night were tamer than the start of their shift. That’s why Buck thought that the shift from hell was almost over. That’s why he thought he was safe until he had to come back in for his next shift...that’s why he was looking up to stopping by the Diaz household to bring Chris some of Bobby’s Cure Soup that worked magic on any sickness. That’s why he hadn’t been expecting to see them. The two people in the world that were supposed to love him unconditionally and protect him because he was their son...the two people who had no right to call themselves parents because they had never been parents to Maddie or Buck. They were never meant to be parents.

The funny thing is, they had to show up after his water rescue. That brought up memories of the day on the pier when the wall of water had smashed into him, separating him from Chris. The water rescue caused him to remember how he had failed Christopher and Eddie...and he needed time to get himself together so that he could show up at the Diaz household with a bright smile to hide all of his pain behind. Even funnier, he felt like he was drowning again. Because these were two problems he thought he had put behind him, but here they are. 

“Can I help you,” Bobby asked, ever the calming presence in the Firehouse. 

“Evan, it’s been so long,” his mother smiled, ignoring the captain and stepping closer to Buck. 

Buck took an involuntary step back. “What are you doing here,” he asked, voice sounding funny in his own ears.

“Is that anyway to treat us after having not seen us in ten years,” his father questioned.

“How did you find me,” he felt himself slowly slipping away. The voices around him sounded muffled. He didn’t feel like himself, he felt a kind of numb he hadn’t felt since the aftermath of the truck bombing. 

“Evan, show a little respect. We’re your parents,” Evelyn responded. 

Buck couldn’t help but to laugh. “Parents love their kids. They do anything for their children and they are proud of their children’s accomplishments. A child isn’t a trophy you show off when your friends visit and forget about until the next time a friend comes by for a visit.” Buck laughed again, though it sounded like it came from someone other than himself. “But I guess not all adults can switch into a parenting role. If that’s all, I have a job to do.”

“You seem to have forgotten your manners, Evan. I suggest you remember them,” James stepped closer, a glare on his face that reminded Buck of all the times he’d failed to meet his father’s expectations or interrupted one of his father’s conference calls. 

_______________

Evan was six when he realized that his parents weren’t like other parents. Other parents would proudly show off their kid’s artwork. They would brag to their friends that their kid was going to be an artist when they grew up or brag that their kid was so smart, they would go on to do great work in the science field. 

Evan’s parents didn’t do that. It never failed that every Mother’s day and Father’s day from when he was six until he was ten (when he finally just stopped), his parents would tell him that he could create a better homemade card or join Maddie in buying a card. They would say that the drawings that he gave them would need work in order to be put up anywhere in the house. They would say that his childish drawings looked unprofessional and messy-Buckley’s were pristine and didn’t do messy. 

No matter what Evan did, it was never good enough for his parents. As he got older, his parents started to let him know how displeased they were in him. Maddie, having experienced it before him, tried to shield him from it, but she was ten years older than him and not always able to be there for him. By the time he was in middle school, Maddie was in college for nursing and never around. She’d taken a couple of years before going to college before she couldn’t take the constant belittlement of her parents-they’d tell her she would never do anything in her life, that she was a disappointment, letting all of her schooling go to waste. 

Evan was alone. ‘He wasn’t good enough. His grades needed work. He would never be as smart as his sister. He needed to show initiative. Stop playing around, he should have been studying. Girlfriend? Not until he had his life sorted out. Boyfriend? Absolutely not, he was a disgrace. He was misguided. How had Evelyn and James Buckley been unlucky enough to be stuck with a son that liked other boys?’

Evan had never been good enough. No matter how hard he tried to please them. ‘A ninety-nine isn’t a perfect A. University of Pennsylvania isn’t Harvard. Fire Science isn’t a respectable degree.’

Evan had thought that the SEALs would make his parents proud. He tried out for the SEALs, he went through training, but it still wasn’t enough. Then he’d dropped out. That had been the icing on the cake. 

Evan had never had a big blowout with his parents. He’d always tried to appease them. He tried to be the perfect son...but they never thought he was good enough. So when he dropped out of the SEALs, having a shouting match with his father as a consequence, he left for South America. He bartended and had fun. Then he’d gone to LA and became a firefighter and he hadn’t contacted his parents since the blowout. 

_______________

With all the training he’d gone through when he was trying to be a SEAL, Buck should have been able to block out what he was feeling...keep himself from floating away, but staring at the middle aged adults in front of him, Buck wanted nothing more than to be able to float far away from them. 

Conversation seemed to be going on around him, but Buck couldn’t focus on it. He was living a nightmare. He’d never wanted his crew to meet his genetic donors. He never wanted them to meet because that meant they’d be able to see just how fucked up he was on the inside...because no matter how hard he tried, his parents would undo everything he’s built and he wouldn’t be able to hide it all from his team...his family.

Everything was so distant. Maybe if he kept this distance, his parents wouldn’t be able to ruin everything. Buck was only brought out of his head when he heard the alarm blare overhead. As if on autopilot, Buck (still in his soaked uniform) put his turnout gear on and piled into the truck. He needed to get away from his parents. The farther away he was, the less they could hurt him. 

No one tried to talk to him on the way to the site. Or, if they did, Buck didn’t hear them. Pulling up to the call, he did his job, no emotions getting in the way. A kid had been playing on piles of gravel and had started to be sucked into the pile. Buck went under to get the kid, feeling the last bit of his control over his body slipping away. None of it mattered anymore. He liked not feeling the emotions around him. It helped him to focus on the important things-like saving a kid from a pile of gravel. 

On the way back to the station, no one talked to him. The shift was finally over and Buck could go to his apartment and block everything out. Going through the routine of leaving the station was easy. He paid no mind to the sperm and egg donors that were still trying to talk to him. He stared at them passively as they blocked his exit from the locker room. Were they seriously going to block him from leaving? Couldn’t they tell he didn’t give a shit about them being back? Couldn’t they tell that they were unwanted? 

“Excuse me. Hi. Buck, Chris is waiting for you in the car, he’s excited to show you the artwork he worked on this morning for you,” his best friend smiled tensely as if he could pick up on the messed up family dynamics in the room. 

Buck merely stared at him before giving a small nod and following Eddie out. His parents gave them a wide berth, but called out something along the lines of their conversation not being over. Buck didn’t really care, he just wanted to be alone in his loft. “See you tomorrow,” Buck muttered as he approached his jeep. 

A hand on his shoulder had Buck stopping in his tracks. Eddie looked at him, really looked at him. There was more expression in Eddie’s eyes than Buck had ever seen. “Bobby called, said that you’ve worked a shift straight from hell and that you had unpleasant visitors. He also mentioned that you weren’t yourself, which is understandable. I’m not letting you drive in this condition. Get in the truck,” he motioned to his vehicle. 

“‘M fine. Thanks for the save. I’ll see you tomorrow,” it was hard to string together words. Buck just wanted to go home, forget this shift happened, and make the weird feelings go away. 

“You’re not fine, and that’s okay. But you’re not leaving this parking lot without being in the passenger seat of my truck. Get in,” Eddie stared at Buck, as if challenging him to disagree. 

Buck wordlessly got in the truck, too tired to come up with another argument. As Eddie turned out of the lot and started away from Buck’s apartment, Buck spoke again. “This isn’t the way to my apartment,” he muttered.

“We’re not going to your apartment. Abuela has Chris for tonight and you need someone to have your back tonight...and I promised to always have your back.”

Buck said nothing for the remainder of the ride. His brain was on automatic as he went through the motions of getting into Eddie’s house. He needed to get himself together and show Eddie that there was no reason to worry over him. He’d caused enough worry for the man in the past year and a half, he didn’t need to cause even more. Taking a breath as he laid his bag down against the wall in the entryway, Buck forced a believable smile to his face. “Seriously, Man. I’ll be fine. Let me take a nap, then, if you wouldn’t mind, take me back by the station so I can get my Jeep and go to the loft.”

Eddie studied his face, but didn’t show on his own what he was thinking. “You can use my bed for the nap. Go ahead and take a shower to get the grime off while I fix something light for you to eat before you rest.”

_______________

Buck hadn’t meant to actually fall asleep when he’d laid down on Eddie’s bed. Jolting up from his sleep with a shout on his tongue and tears in his eyes was never fun. The numb feeling from earlier in the day was gone and he was left with the crashing emotions that came from his shift and his unsuspected surprise. 

But Eddie was there. He was muttering softly into Buck’s ear as he held Buck close. Buck could make out his own figure shaking as he grasped Eddie’s shirt. Buck doesn’t really know when he’d let the floodgates down, but his cheeks were wet and he was clutching Eddie close for dear life. 

Buck doesn’t know how long he sits there with Eddie, but he starts to be able to make out what Eddie says as he holds onto him, “I’m sorry. You’re going to be okay, I promise. I’m here for you. Let it out.” A constant litany of reassurances and apologies. 

Buck lets himself hold onto Eddie for a bit longer as he composes himself. He doesn’t know what to say to Eddie. He doesn’t know how to thank him or how to extract himself from the embarrassment that’s setting in. Pulling back, Buck opens and closes his mouth. Eddie reaches after him, shaking his head. “Don’t. Don’t push it all back in. I know I’m not the best at talking things out, but I’m a very good listener. You’re hurting and I want to help. I have your back, don’t you trust me?”

Buck could only nod. It was silent as Buck thought, Eddie’s arms still around him. Quietly, Buck broke the silence. “Kids.” Buck shook his head as Eddie gave him a tight squeeze silently to get him to continue. “All the calls. They were-they were kids. Just kids. Fucking heart attack at fifteen, gone before we got there. Stupid dares that put a nine year old in danger. Fell through two floors, unresponsive. Hell, I almost crushed her when the rope snapped on the way down to get her,” Buck laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh that he or Eddie had heard before.

Eddie just held Buck closer, no matter what he wanted to say...Buck needed to get it all out before he could try and comfort his best friend. “I just kept thinking, what if Christopher’s friends had dared him to-to go into some condemned building and he ended up in that little girl’s place? What if-what if that little girl had gone in alone and no one had known about it? Would we have still found her in time to save her?”

Buck was silent again as he thought of the shift. It truly was one hell of a shift. “Two years ago we were called to a rollercoaster malfunction. I was sent up to help the few people on it down and I helped almost everyone. But, this one guy...he just-I couldn’t hold him and he-he fell. I watched as he hit the ground, head splitting open at the impact. I never wanted to see something like that again. We got called to a rollercoaster malfunction. Tons of people on it, on the peak of the coaster, hanging upside down. Chim, Hen and I got down fifty percent of the people before things creaked and metal bended. Supports gave way, three people fell. Those that were still hanging on, Chim and Hen helped and we were almost done.”

Buck’s voice was quiet as he picked at a loose thread on the comforter. “I had two people I needed to get down and we’d be done. But looking at it, I knew I wouldn’t be able to get both of them. I’d need both hands to help the male who’d been crushed by the bar, cutting his skin. They were no older than sixteen and the girl...she just wanted her friend safe. She didn’t care what happened to her. I tried,” his voice cracked. Clearing his throat, he continued, “I tried to come up with a plan to save them both, but the kid was getting worse, so I asked Bobby to put out an inflatable. I knew, given the height, that she would be dead on impact, no matter if she fell correctly or not.”

Buck’s voice was thick with unshed tears. His body was shaking. “I released the bar and I had the kid. I was trying to pull him into the basket, but he was fighting me. He didn’t want to live if his friend didn’t. He-he toppled me over the basket. Everything groaned and I thought that it was going to give way, but it didn’t. I was holding on and I was trying to hold onto the kid, but he just kept struggling and he twisted my arm and I just-for a second my grip loosened and-and he just fell...didn’t even hit the inflatable and his skull just-” Buck broke. He couldn’t keep the tears at bay. 

Eddie was holding him even tighter, placing his head on the back of Buck’s neck. He was trying to comfort Buck, but he knew that nothing he did would make that pain go away. Eddie doesn’t know how long they sit there before Buck breaks the silence again. “We got called for a water rescue. Parents turned their back for one second and the kid, only five, fell off the pier. Didn’t know how to swim without the floaties. The lifeguard on duty was drunk off his ass and unable to help. We were five minutes from the scene, having just finished with a kitchen fire. We get there and everyone’s crowded around the edge of the pier. They’re just watching as the current drags the girl further out. The parents are making a scene, but no one was doing anything to help the girl. Bobby was trying to get information, but I saw her head go under and she didn’t immediately resurface, so I got out of my turnout and just-I just jumped in.”

Buck shivered as he remembered the feeling of the water around him. “I felt like I was back in the tsunami. The current was so strong, it just-it pulled me like the wave had pushed and pulled me that day at the pier. I couldn’t see the girl, I couldn’t find her and it was like I couldn’t find Chris and things were just-it was all-” he motioned to his head, “messed up. I was looking for Chris, but I wasn’t looking for him...I was looking for a girl who fell off the pier. I felt like I was drowning, but I knew she was actually drowning, and I just kept searching and the current kept pulling me. I couldn’t find her. I couldn’t find Chris and I couldn’t find her and Bobby and the others couldn’t find her and she was just-she was gone,” Buck whispered. “Just like Chris was suddenly just gone.”

Eddie forced Buck to look at him. Even though he told himself he wouldn’t interrupt, he didn’t like the look Buck had in his eyes, it was becoming similar to the one he’d seen when he found Buck in the locker room, just staring down the two adults blocking his path. “Chris is fine. You saved Chris. We found him. It wasn’t your fault and what happened to that little girl today wasn’t your fault. Buck-”

“I should have jumped in sooner to get to her...before she went under.”

“No, you were following protocol. You were waiting to get all the information and when you realized that the little girl needed help sooner than later, you jumped in without hesitation, without regards to your own safety. You did what you could, Buck.” 

“But it wasn’t enough. It’s never been enough. I’ve never been enough,” Buck whispered, thinking back to all the memories of his childhood. He was never enough for his parents. Nothing he did was ever enough for them. 

“That’s not tr-”

“All my life, I’ve wanted to be enough. With Maddie, I was or-or I thought I was, but she left and I was never enough for my parents. They’d tell me that I could do better. Art projects for Mother’s Day or Father’s day were thrown away because-because they weren’t good enough. They were childish and-and messy and my parents, they didn’t do messy. I didn’t go out and play with other kids my age because it was ‘too dirty’. I just wanted my parents to be proud of me, but instead they treated me like I was a trophy to be shown off at every event or gathering...but in the walls of our home, I was nothing. My grades always had to be perfect ‘a ninety-nine isn’t a perfect score, Evan.’ ‘Detention is for the unruly kids, you’re supposed to be better.’ ‘No, you can’t go to your friend’s birthday party, you got a B on your exam so you have to study more.’ Nothing was ever enough, I was never enough. I got accepted into colleges that I wanted to go to, but they weren’t the Ivy Leagues they wanted. I got into Princeton, but it wasn’t Harvard. Fire Science, which I loved, wasn’t an acceptable degree. Joining the Navy was looked at as giving up. Working to be a SEAL wasn’t good enough for them. Eddie, I’ve never been enough and I thought for once that I was enough and they had to come back and ruin that too,” Buck sobbed. 

Eddie didn’t know how to respond to that. There was so much to unpack. What he wanted to say was to hell with his parents for ever making a man as amazing as Evan Buckley ever think he wasn’t good enough, but he knew he needed to hold that thought back for the time being. “You’ve always been enough. You’re better than enough for me...for me and Christopher. You’re perfect the way you are. Hard headed, strong, loving, caring, and so much more. Anyone who made you feel different was wrong.”

“The reason everyone leaves me is because no one was present for me in the beginning. No one cared. Sure, Maddie was there, but she left because of our parents. She was never truly in my corner because she was planning her freedom. I wasn’t enough to stay, Eddie...don’t you get it? I’ll never be enough to stay.”

Eddie moved so that he was in front of Buck. After a moment of hesitation, he placed his hand on Buck’s cheek. “Evan, I need you to listen to me and hear me. You are more than enough. You’ve had a lot of shit thrown at you during your life, but it’s made you the wonderful man you are today. It’s made you a man that I want my son to look up to. It’s made you the man that I fell in love with. I know you’re hurting. I’m sorry for that and if I could make it stop, I would. Bad calls and memories of a past we want to forget are part of life, but it makes you stronger in the end. I know how strong you are now and I know that you’ll come out on the other side even stronger...and I’m here every step of the way.” 

_______________

Telling Eddie was surprisingly easier than he’d ever imagined. Buck hated talking about the past, but once it was out there, Buck couldn’t stop talking about it. After having lunch with Eddie, they’d settled down to watch something on Netflix that wasn’t kid-friendly. Buck couldn’t really focus on it. A couple of minutes, looking between the television and Eddie, Buck made his decision. 

“I always told my parents that I was doing something important for my college degree. They always wanted more information, but I told them that they’d have to wait and see. They were already disappointed in me for not getting into Harvard, but I thought they might be proud of my degree. Fire Science. I mean, it’s science and they wanted me to do something in science. So, graduation day comes and they call my name. They announce my degree and I turn to see my parents...think they’ll be clapping. The only one clapping is Maddie. The only person that was proud of me and my degree was my sister.”

Buck looked down at his hands in his lap. “After the graduation, instead of taking me out to the reservation they made, they belittled my degree choice...it didn’t matter that I finished two years faster than all the other four years. It didn’t matter that it made me happy. It wasn’t what they wanted. It wasn’t enough. After that, I still had some misguided idea that I could make my parents proud of me. I could make up for everything and finally get their affection and pride. So I joined the Navy. I trained for the SEALs…”

‘If his parents couldn’t be proud of his degree, Evan would have to show that he could be a proper defender...serve his country and make them proud that way. He passed the requirements to get in with flying colors. Basic training wasn’t even that bad. He’d been on a strict schedule since he turned eight. Channeling that into the orders of his superiors had been easy. 

Basic underwater demolition/SEAL (BUD/S) was one of the hardest things he’d put himself through. Phase 1, the physical conditioning seven week course. Each week got harder and harder. A weekly four mile run on top of the daily running, calisthenics, swimming, and boat runs they had to do. His favorite were the timed obstacle courses. He did really well in those, far better than his other trainees. Swimming took a bit of getting used to with the equipment and the time element, but he eventually aced that too. The first three weeks were used to condition him and the other trainees to be able to get through Hell Week. If he’s being honest, Hell Week was both his favorite and least favorite part of phase one. He slept maybe four hours throughout the whole week. He spent five and a half days of continuous training with more than 20 hours a day of just physical training. The week consisted of more than 200 miles of running, plenty of calisthenics, swimming, and boat runs. It was easy for Evan to get lost in the grind of the day. It made him focus on one goal and not overthink everything else. The three weeks after that were easier and Evan was ready for the next phase. 

Phase two consisted of Evan growing close to another trainee, Layne. Combat diving was definitely a favorite of Evan’s. He loved water and it felt almost second nature to be in the water. One of his boat partner’s, Layne, was also in his combat diving team. Buck helped Layne to be more comfortable with the aspects of combat diving, helped him to understand the mechanics...and they shared their first kiss after a five mile swim. The physical training during this phase became even more intensive and the trainees were taught basic dive medicine and medical skills in case that would be needed later on in their careers. Again, Evan excelled. He’d finally found something he was good at...something his parents would make his parents proud of him. By the end of this seven week phase, Evan was bulkier. By the end, he was the first to finish in all of his water tests: a timed 2 mile swim in eighty minutes (he did that in sixty minutes), a four mile run in training gear in thirty-one minutes (took him twenty-five), and a 3.3 mile swim and 5.5 mile swim. And by the end, he and Layne were closer than ever.

Phase three was Evan’s least favorite week. It all started becoming real. He would use the skills he learned to hurt others, if needed. Land Warfare. The first two weeks consist of teaching the class basic weapons, demolitions, land navigation, patrolling, rappelling, marksmanship, infantry tactics, and small-unit tactics. During the third phase, the class is taught to gather and process information that will complete the overall mission. It’s also the phase that broke Evan’s heart. Layne left him during week four. Like everything else, Evan was quick to absorb the information thrown at him. He could tell that his fellow trainees had some trouble with the fast paced learning, but to him, it was second nature. To make his parents proud, he had to learn faster than everyone else. He had to be better than everyone else. On the third week, they were transported to an island to test out their knowledge on everything they learned...and Evan aced it. Even on little sleep, Evan was able to think clearly and do his part cleanly. He was a machine, used for destruction and information gathering...and he hated it. He hated that he was so good at it. By the end, he completed the two mile ocean swim in sixty-two minutes (everyone else finished around minute seventy or so), a four mile run in his gear in twenty-four minutes (instead of the thirty minutes he was given), and completed a fourteen mile run. 

But Evan couldn’t be a mindless machine. He was so much more than that...and he couldn’t just blindly follow orders and be expected to do whatever was asked of him if it involved heavy machinery like bombs or machine guns. He had standards...so he dropped out.’ 

“My father hated the fact that I dropped out. And my instructors were so disappointed. Many of them tried to get me to continue on. They quoted how good I had done throughout the training, how I’d never complained and how I could have had an amazing career with the SEALs...but I couldn’t be their killing machine, Eds. So, my father made it known that he was disappointed in me. He just kept yelling, kept berating me for ruining one of the best things that could have happened to me. Mind you, he hated the idea at first, but when he realized just how far I could have gone, the contacts I could have had if I furthered a career in the Navy, he was pissed. But I yelled back, I got in his face and I told him off. I was so angry and the training I went through, I wanted to hurt him as he had hurt me...but I didn’t. I left. I left the country.”

Eddie was quiet as he ran a hand through Buck’s hair. He was trying to be comforting for Buck’s sake, but he had so many questions...like why hadn’t Buck told him about going through all of the SEAL’s basic training before dropping out? But he kept silent. “So I left for South America. I didn’t want any contact with my parents. I think it all crashed down on me that I could never make them proud...that I’d always have something wrong with me when it comes to them. In South America, I traveled around. To make money, I bartended. I learned the language enough to be able to speak with the locals, even if it was a bit broken at first. I had my first taste of freedom...that freedom Maddie found when she went to college. I slept around. I was a bit of a manslut, but who could blame me? I had no one that I had to appease in South America.”

Buck’s smile was nostalgic and clashed with the deep sadness in his eyes. “I had freedom, but I was miserable,” he snuggled closer to Eddie’s warmth, as if seeking more comfort that Eddie was willing to give. “No one understood me or, I should say, no one truly understood me. No one knew my past, and that was great for the first few months...but I wanted someone that could relate...someone that I didn’t have to fight a language barrier to understand. Not even just that, I didn’t feel like I was helping anyone. All I wanted was to help others...so after a couple more months of misery, I packed up and moved to LA. I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to do when I got here. I thought about going into the police force...but I never wanted to hurt someone and I absolutely hated guns training with the SEALs, so I threw that out. A couple of weeks after moving, I was walking through downtown. There was this huge warehouse that used to be next to that coffeeshop that you like so much. It held the supply of paper for Newspapers along with a couple of other things...but somehow, a fire had started.”

Buck shook his head as he thought about it. “Apparently, a couple of kids had snuck out of their parent’s eyes while downtown and they were in the warehouse. A bystander had shouted that he saw two people enter the warehouse a couple of minutes before the smoke had been noticed. The smoke was getting thicker and I had no clue how far fire crews were or if they’d been called...so I told that bystander to call 9-1-1 and went in.”

Buck clenched and released his hands. It was a sign that things hadn’t worked out the way he’d wanted them to. “I get in there, and the fire is everywhere. The smoke is getting darker by the second and I don’t even know where the kids could have been. I didn’t know what they looked like or how far they could have gotten before the fire started. There’s paper on fire raining down everywhere and I’m shouting for these kids to tell me where they are so that I can get them out…”

‘Each breath caused Buck’s lungs to burn. It felt eerily similar to the burning of the drown resistance training he’d gone through with the SEALs, but amplified. All around him, all Buck could see was fire and smoke. Something creaked to his right, and Buck’s training kicked in to move him out of the way of the falling support beam. Buck focused on his breathing and calling for the two people that might be in the warehouse. 

It was getting hotter in the warehouse by the minute, and Buck didn’t like the thought of that. From what he could tell, there were a lot of things in the building related to manufacturing newspapers, what if they had machinery that used certain flammable chemicals to aid in that? What if they housed those chemicals here? Buck wanted to get out of the warehouse before he had to find out. 

As Buck was getting to the back of the warehouse, he heard something. Following the sound, he found a little boy, no older than ten, crying. He was trying to pull his friend from under shelves that had fallen on him. Buck walked over quickly, lifting the burning metal enough for the boy to pull his friend from under it. “We need to get out of here, quickly.”

Buck had picked up the unconscious boy before putting the other on his back and jogging quickly through the burning warehouse. Just as he was making it to the front of the warehouse, there was a groan from the building and multiple support beams fell in front of the door. Buck had mentally cursed before setting both boys down. “Watch out for anything falling. I’m going to try and get our path cleared.”

Buck had no strategy. He didn’t see any other ways out-which that should be a violation. Pulling at the burning wood and hot metal sent pain signals through his body, but he didn’t focus on it. He had to get the two kids out. It was the first time he thanked his training from the SEALs. He could push back the pain to make sure others were safe. After five minutes of maneuvering beams out of the way, Buck could get the kids out. The kid that was still conscious was barely so as Buck picked him and the other kid up. He ran out into the fresh air, coughing as he did.’

“Fire crews had just pulled up as I got out. The first kid was going to be fine after some oxygen...but the second kid wasn’t breathing. I don’t know how long it had been since he had stopped breathing, I hadn’t checked. All I had thought to do was get them out of the building quickly...but I didn’t check breath support. He died. Unable to resuscitate. The kid’s mom was so distraught and I didn’t know how to even begin apologizing...I couldn’t save her son. I wasn’t enough to keep her son from dying.”

Buck licked his lips as he looked up to Eddie. “It was the 118 that showed up. Bobby was the new captain of the crew. Hen and Chim were still relatively new to the job. Chim was coming up on his first year anniversary and Chim was around six months in. Bobby had taken me aside, talked to me...told me that if I wanted to make a difference, I should sign up for the Fire academy...and now, here I am.”

“And now here you are, an amazing, kind, and generous fireman,” Eddie started. “You’re my best friend and I probably wouldn’t have met you if you hadn’t had all of that happen to you. I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through life thinking that you aren’t enough, but to me-to Chris-you are beyond enough. You fit into our family so well, it was scary when I first realized how intertwined you were to our family unit, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. Evan, I want you to be able to talk to me about anything that’s bothering you...and maybe try going to therapy again. I know what happened with your last therapist, but maybe you can try Frank...he’s good at what he does.”

Buck gulped, shoulders tense. “I don’t-I don’t know. I can’t...I mean, I know you’ve gone to him but I just-”

“Deep breaths, Buck. It was only a suggestion, you don’t have to. If you’re comfortable just talking things out with me, that’s okay.”

“No, I-I want to I just,” Buck licked his lips, “I don’t-I don’t know how to...it’s so easy to talk to you, but I don’t think…”

“We can go whenever you want to. There’s no pressure or rush.”

Buck was quiet for a few minutes before nodding. He looked to Eddie, taking a deep breath, “okay...next concern, my parents...I-they said it wasn’t over. I don’t want them around, continuing to fuck up my life...I never wanted anyone to have to meet them. I didn’t want anyone to figure out just how fucked up I was because of them.”

“You’re not fucked up. They don’t define you. You are amazing and generous and caring. You are so much more than how you could have turned out from everything you’ve told me about your upbringing. You wear your heart on your sleeve...I don’t trust anyone more than you with my son...you basically coparent him with me because you set such a good example for him. If your parents are still here tomorrow, I’ll make them leave, you don’t have to worry about it.”

“How did I manage to get someone as good as you in my life?”

“You deserve all good things, Evan. You deserve even better than me.”

“No one is better than you, Eds.” 

Eddie smiled, placing a hand on Buck’s cheek. “There are others better, but thanks for the compliment.”

“Don’t talk about yourself like that,” Buck rolled his eyes. 

“Look who’s talking. Take your own advice. You make everyone else’s problems your own. You let yourself be defined by your worst moments when you are so much more than that. A couple of fucked up situations don’t define the whole you.”

Buck lowered his head, “when did you get so wise?”

“When I went to therapy.”

“We can try it.”

“Let me know when and I’ll be there.”

#by red #writings by red #buddie #buddie relationship #buck begins #evan buckley x eddie diaz #eddie diaz x evan buckley #buck buckley x eddie diaz #eddie diaz x buck buckley #evan buckley #eddie diaz #buckley parents #flashbacks #navy seal buck #smart buck

[lovegiveortakefivethousandyears]

Protector (9-1-1 fic)

Part One | AO3

Chapter Two  Wonderland

He was drowning.

He tried to move his arms, to move his legs through the water. They were as heavy as lead, he was unable to reach the surface. He gulped, no breath left within him. He knew that he needed to try and breakthrough. Christopher. He needed to find the young boy, to reach him, to bring him to safety. Water filled his lungs. He knew the effects on drowning - his larynx would fall into spasms, the effect would be permanently damaging.

The surface felt miles away. It slowly faded out of view.

He had failed Christopher.

He had failed Eddie.

He had -

Buck woke with a jolt. For a moment there was confusion about his surroundings. The beeping grabbed his attention, the events from the previous day flooded back. As he reached for his cell, the glare of the screen told him he had been asleep for a few hours. It had been months since he had slept without nightmares, slept more than just a few hours at a time. Buck let out a small sigh, as he stretched out, trying to remove the knots which had formed from sleeping in the hard chair.

Movement caught his attention, and Buck turned his head. A small smile broke through, as he watched his daughter - his daughter - move slightly in her sleep. Buck couldn’t believe how much love he had for something so small, as he stood up, standing over her little bed protectively.

“Would you like to feed her?”

He was startled by the new voice. He spotted the nurse - Jem, from her colorful name tag - who came closer. Buck remembered seeing her briefly before he fell asleep. He didn’t want to wake her, she looked truly peaceful. However, he knew that the medical staff were there, and would know exactly how to help the baby. Buck had been around a few babies in his time as a firefighter, he couldn’t remember any newborn be so quiet before without it being a concern. As if she had read his mind, Jem (who had been completing checks) spoke up in a low tone.

“She’s one of the calmest newborns I have looked after,” Jem said, as she carefully marked something down on the chart. “She stirred once, while you were asleep, but it was almost as if she knew you needed rest.” She looked towards the new father. “Unfortunately it won’t last. Even the calmest of newborns make their presence known once they find their home.”

Buck let out a half-laugh.

“My sister says that I was trouble from the start,” Buck said, recalling Maddie’s stories of his childhood. The ten year age difference between brother and sister had always been obvious. Maddie had fond memories of him as a baby, as a toddler, which many other siblings would not recall. “Clearly she is taking after - “

He broke off.

The truth was he had no idea about Ali’s, or how she would have been. In the few months they had been together, they had learned very little about each other. Buck only knew that her parents had died a few years before the earthquake and that she had a brother she rarely spoke with.  He had snippets of information about her past from comments, knew that her love of art had been a trait from her maternal grandmother, yet nothing that could assist in raising a child.

As if she had read his thoughts, the nurse made a comment of her own. “It may sound redundant, I am truly sorry for your loss,”.

“We weren’t together. I didn’t even know about the baby.” Buck said, words forming before he could stop them. “I want to feel angry. To ask her why she didn’t tell me…” He couldn’t feel anger towards someone who wasn’t there. “I don’t know what I feel.”

Buck wanted to believe that he could face anything. Over the past year, he had been trapped by a fire truck, suffered through months of surgeries and physical therapies, broken up with his girlfriend, experienced a pulmonary embolism, lived through a tsunami, attempted to sue his family, and survived during the coldness from the said family once he had returned. Buck wanted to believe that he was strong, even though he had nothing prepared. The apartment in which he lived was not suitable for a baby, he had nothing brought, he hadn’t taken any classes to ready himself.

Had Ali already prepared a nursery? Clearly, she would have, but it would feel wrong for him to use anything from there. Buck felt completely out of his depth. Jem had finished with her checkup, satisfied that the baby was progressing well. She placed a hand of comfort on his shoulder, which broke Buck from his thoughts.

“I have two children myself. My younger daughters' birth was traumatizing for everyone involved, but she was a fighter. She’s about to start kindergarten. I cannot begin to understand how you are feeling, Mr. Buckley. I can, however, tell you that you have helped bring a fighter of your own into the world. You have a little time to arrange everything for once you can take her home. We’ll be here, any questions or concerns you just need to ask.” She smiled, one of comfort and trust-building. “I’ll go and prepare what we need for her feed. Although, Mr. Buckley in my experience, you will complete one of the hardest parts of parenthood before you leave the hospital.”

Buck looked towards her in confusion. “What do you mean?”

The nurse just laughed. “She needs a name.”

As she disappeared, Buck turned back to the little girl. She kicked out her legs, small movements that indicated to Buck she was still there with him. He wondered if Ali had chosen any names. He wondered if she had decided to even raise their daughter - whether she had planned to give her to anyone else. Buck knew that he would never find this out. He couldn’t ask her, all he could do was ensure that their daughter was protected.

“A name?” He questioned, speaking to the little girl quietly. She moved again, and he wanted nothing more than to wrap her in his arms from the outside world. “I… you know, your Aunt Maddie used to read me her books. I used to pretend to hate them, would tell her that I was old enough to read for myself. Secretly? I enjoyed the attention she gave me. Your grandparents, well, let’s just say I was a surprise.” Maddie had always been closer to their parents. Buck knew that was why he had been so drawn towards Bobby, considered him a father-figure as such. The man had been the first person to provide actual parental attention towards him, even if it had been unintentional. “They were always old, written before even our grandparents were born. Maddie loves the classics.”

He tested a few names mentally. The clocked ticked by, and before he knew it, a name had sprung to mind. For many parents, it took months of books, suggestions, and arguments to decide a moniker for their newborn. For Evan Buckley, there was only one choice. A book he would listen too, a book he would ask his sister to read more than once. About a young girl who traveled to a mysterious land, where not everything was as it seemed.

“Your Aunt Maddie always loved the idea of running to wonderland. She used to tell me we would go together, leave our parents behind.” He closed his eyes for a moment. They were not who he wanted to think about at that moment of time. “So, how about Alice?”

The newborn - who had awoken partway through the story - kicked out her legs. Buck took this has a good sign, and mentally thanked his sister for her attention as a young boy.

And thus, Alice Buckley was officially born.

( - - - )

He didn’t want to leave the hospital.

The nursing staff had helped him, as he had cared for Alice. He had held babies before, he had been around them, babysat them. It was different when the child in question was your own. Buck felt as though all prior knowledge he had somehow disappeared. He was grateful for the support, as he accepted his role as the only caregiver in Alice’s life. Her birth - although traumatic for Ali - had left no scars on the newborn. They wanted to release her, to allow Buck and his daughter to exit into the world together.

The thought terrified him.

He had nothing at home that could support a child. The apartment was only just large enough for him, let alone adding another body to the situation. Buck had switched his cell to silent after speaking to his chief that morning. The guilt he had felt bypassing his own captain still grated within his gut. Buck was adamant that he did not want his team to find out, not until he could prove that he could cope. Buck was not a complete idiot. He knew that his team still saw him as incapable at times. That had become evident during his own stupidity with the lawsuit. For once, Buck wanted to show them that he could cope in a non-work related crisis without causing them any unnecessary stress.

Buck left the room, leaving Alice with the nursing staff, as he walked towards a quiet area to make a phone call. He brought out his phone and noticed that no one had contacted him. He had only used his cell once since being at the hospital, to contact the department to ask for emergency leave. He was certain that word would have gotten to Bobby by now after he hadn’t arrived for his shift. He felt a pang of sadness that the man who had thought of as a father hadn’t tried to get in touch. At that point, he would even accept the man’s fury at the youngest member of the 118 for going over his head to get leave.

Clearly, he was no longer important, he was replaceable as he had thought when Bosko had tapped over his name.

Entering his contact list, Buck hovered over Eddie’s name.

He had missed him so much. The connection they had made after the bomb incident had been one Buck had never felt before. It had once felt as though the two could act and react without words. Buck always knew the steps Eddie would make, he would always know how to bring him back from the edge. That had cooled, he only remembered the shouting at the grocery store, how broken he had felt afterward. Then there was Christopher, and it practically broke Buck’s heart to be absent from that boy’s life. He shook his head, before scrolling once more. He hadn’t wanted to contact his sister, to burden her with another problem. However, Evan Buckley had always needed her during his childhood. Even though he was twenty-eight, even though he was now a father, he doubted that would actually go away.

No, not this time.

He put the phone away once more.

It was time for Evan Buckley to stand on his own two feet for the first time.

#9-1-1 #9-1-1 fic #dad!buck #evan buckley #protector #buddie #pre-slash #fanfiction

[inuhimesblog]

I posted 2,490 times in 2021

222 posts created (9%)

2268 posts reblogged (91%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 10.2 posts.

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Longest Tag: 135 characters

#i still haven't left my apartment except for doctor's visits and when i do i wear like 2 or 3 masks depending on which doctor i'm going

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

So LA is dealing with a mudslide and a dam break, and quakes. Texas is dealing with a volcano. Boy... This world that 9-1-1 is in is tough geeez...

18 notes • Posted 2021-01-19 03:07:39 GMT

#4

Ok, so I don’t wanna get my hopes up about Buck. Because he’s right, the therapist is right. He hides a lot from people. Behind the ‘happy golden retriever’ is a lot of loneliness and pain that I bet most of haven’t even seen the tip of the iceberg off yet. I’m sooo trying to keep a level head about it and not get too hopeful. It would be amazing if they did the ‘a guy figuring out his sexuality’ thing. But I wanna be ready in case it’s not.

23 notes • Posted 2021-01-26 02:57:33 GMT

#3

Can we talk for a minute about how brainwashed Maddie is? Because holy F* bitch.... >_<” She wants a normal family for her baby with like aunts, uncles, and grandparents so she called up her parents and she thinks it’s okay..? Like these people are going to be good to have around her kid? Are you kidding me? Look at how traumatized your brother is? IDK what to do about this thought... I have no idea... >_<”

26 notes • Posted 2021-02-11 03:27:33 GMT

#2

29 notes • Posted 2021-07-23 01:28:10 GMT

#1

@fireladybuckley @firemedicdiaz  I have a question for you guys...

Do you think those plants came with the apartment? Or is Buck a plant dad and we just haven’t noticed it before? Cause those were a lot of plants on that balcony. Which I find funny cause Eddie says he can’t keep plants alive but Buck’s balcony is full of ‘em and they all look green and happy. Meanwhile i’m also realizing rent on that place must be high af...

33 notes • Posted 2021-10-12 01:57:35 GMT

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