#in which i ramble

[capseycartwright]

every little thing the sun shows, well it’s worth it

ao3 link

Buck should – he should be freaking out, right? He’d lived thirty-two years of his life without coming close to kissing another man, and it should be making him freak out that tonight, he did – but Buck felt flooded with the oddest sense of calm he’d ever experienced in his life.

He’d kissed a man.

or - after his kiss with Tommy, Buck goes to Hen.

Buck can’t help but bring his hand to his lips as Tommy leaves, fingers brushing gently against where the other man’s lips had been just a few minutes previously.

The other man.

Buck should – he should be freaking out, right? He’d lived thirty-two years of his life without coming close to kissing another man, and it should be making him freak out that tonight, he did – but Buck felt flooded with the oddest sense of calm he’d ever experienced in his life.

He’d kissed a man.

He’d kissed Tommy Kinard.

The giggle escaped his mouth before Buck could even try and contain it, and one turning into a fit of laughter faster than he could control, Buck unable to wipe the smile from his face as he grinned. He’d just kissed Tommy Kinard – and he’d really fucking liked it, actually. It had been different, that much he was certain of – the way Tommy had tugged Buck closer, two fingers under Buck’s chin, purposeful and confident as he responded to Buck’s weak attempts at flirting with a kiss. Tommy had been solid, under his trembling hands, broad and big and nothing like Buck had ever experienced before.

And he’d liked it.

Buck was moving before he could even really think about it, his feet somehow knowing where to take him, on autopilot as he slid behind the wheel of his Jeep, too lost in his own thoughts to realise that the radio had been switched to some criminally bad pop music station (Eddie’s doing, he was sure), the music background noise as he drove, replaying that kiss over, and over, the phantom drag of Tommy’s facial hair against the sensitive skin of his upper lip a feeling he was sure he could come to get very used to, if he was allowed a little more kissing.

Buck was parking up in front of Hen and Karen’s house before he even realised where he was – but, now he was actually thinking about it, he wasn’t sure where else he would have gone, there and then. Hen was – Hen was another big sister, to him, and a lesbian big sister at that, so she was the right place to come in the midst of his –

Buck didn’t want to call it a crisis. He didn’t feel like he was having a crisis. But he was definitely experiencing something – and Hen would understand, he knew.

Knocking softly, so as not to wake up Denny, Buck waited patiently for someone to answer. He hoped Hen would answer. He wasn’t sure if he had the words to explain to Karen that he needed to speak to her wife because he’d kissed a boy for the first time in his life, and he’d liked it.

“Buck?” Hen answered the door with a raised eyebrow.

“Tommy Kinard kissed me,” Buck blurted, because why beat around the bush, right? He might as well dive right into it. “Tommy kissed me,” he repeated, in an effort to sound somewhat less manic. “And I liked it. I wanted him to kiss me.”

Hen’s surprised expression morphed into something softer, and she gestured for Buck to step inside, closing the door softly behind him. Gently – always gentle, because Hen was the gentlest soul Buck had ever known – she sat him down on her couch, bustling around the kitchen for a couple of minutes before she reappeared with a steaming cup of tea.

“Chamomile?” Buck breathed in the familiar smell, knowing that Hen would have added honey – the good one that Karen always bought at the farmers market – the sweetness a familiarity he had come to be grateful for over the years. “No tequila?”

“This is a tea conversation,” Hen replied firmly, sitting next to Buck on the couch. “So. You kissed Tommy.”

“He kissed me,” Buck corrected, because he didn’t want to take credit for the way Tommy had leaned in and kissed him, confident in a way that Buck wasn’t – not yet, at least.

“And you wanted him to?” Hen repeated Buck’s own words back to him, gentle even in the way she pried.

“I didn’t know I wanted him to until he did, if that makes sense,” Buck’s brow furrowed. “I – I didn’t know why I was so jealous, that he was spending so much time with Eddie. I thought I was jealous that he was replacing me in Eddie’s life.”

“But that wasn’t why you were jealous?”

“It was, a bit,” Buck admitted with a grin. Hen laughed, and Buck felt himself getting comfortable, genuinely comfortable. He – he’d never talked to anyone about his sexuality before. An hour ago, he thought he was straight. “But I – I think I was jealous that Tommy wanted to spend time with Eddie, and not me.”

Hen’s smile was soft, her expression new – it was new, he supposed. He was Hen’s annoying straight little brother, deep conversations about queer identity were new territory for them. “Was it a good kiss?”

Buck let out a spluttering breath. “Hen!”

“Oh, come on! You look like you’ve sat down and had a beer with God himself Buck, I’ve got to ask if it was a good kiss.”

Buck had been kissed a lot in his life. He didn’t say that to slut shame himself – that usually earned himself furious glances from Hen, and Eddie – it was the truth: he had been kissed a lot in his life, by people he loved and by people he’d only just met – and kissing Tommy had been nothing like he had ever experienced before.

“It was a good kiss,” he admitted, worrying the corner of his lip, his face burning as he spoke. “It was a really good kiss.”

“It sounds like there’s a but coming,” Hen drawled, taking a long sip of her tea. She knew Buck too well, sometimes. He supposed that was why he came here, to her – he could have gone to Maddie, or Eddie, or Bobby, even, but Hen had been the person he’d come to. He needed to be seen, there and then.

“But – how did I not know? How have I lived thirty something years of my life and not known I’m into guys that way?”

That was the confusing part, Buck had decided – he had never really even questioned his sexuality, shouldn’t he have questioned it long before now? Spent years being tortured with this great big queer secret he was carrying around?

Hen was quiet, for a second, contemplative. “There is no one queer experience,” she began, pausing again. “Some people – they don’t know until they know. There’s no requirement to have your big gay crisis when you’re fifteen, Buck.”

“That’s the thing – I don’t feel like I’m having a crisis,” Buck sighed. “That’s what makes it more confusing.”

At least – at least if he was having a crisis, he might be able to put words to the strange mix of feelings churning in the pit of his stomach, none of them bad, all of them unfamiliar.

“How do you feel?” Hen asked, giving Buck a gentle nudge.

He –

How did he feel?

Buck felt like he was on cloud nine, for one. He was still replaying the kiss with Tommy over, and over, in his head, remembering the way Tommy had lifted Buck’s chin, the way Buck’s heart had thudded to what had felt like a dramatic stop as the other man had moved closer, Buck forgetting how to breathe for a second when Tommy kissed him, soft, and gentle. He was excited, too, thinking about Saturday at eight. What would he wear? Where would Tommy decide to take him? Should Buck offer to pay?

Buck felt – well, he felt like every part of himself he had never understood had clicked into place, the puzzle that made up Evan Buckley finally taking shape and making a picture Buck could see himself in. Buck felt like everything in his life made infinitely more sense now, strange interactions and friendships making more sense as he looked back on his life with queer-tinted glasses, hindsight lifting a haze of confusion he’d carried with him for his entire life.

Buck felt –

“I feel like I can breathe properly, for the first time in my life,” he finally managed, tears rolling down his cheeks before he could even attempt to blink them away. That was the truth of it – Buck felt like he could breathe, his chest free of the strange tightness he’d felt for as long as he could remember. Buck felt like he was free.

Hen’s watery expression reflected his own, her voice gruff with tears as she spoke. “Welcome to the club, Buck,” she smiled, reaching for Buck’s free hand, giving it a tight squeeze. “We’re happy to have you.”

Buck couldn’t help the half sob, half giggle that escaped his throat as he let Hen’s words wash over him. All his life, he’d been searching for a place he belonged, bouncing from job to job, bed to bed, and state to state, all in a desperate search for belonging. He’d found it – mostly – with the 118, but there had always been something that was missing, something he’d never had the words for.

The something was this – queerness. He was a part of a community he knew would fill that missing piece in, colour it in liberation and freedom and wrap him up in something bigger than himself.

Buck leaned into Hen’s embrace, his tea long forgotten on the coffee table, Hen’s warmth more of a comfort than the chamomile could ever be. “I’m so happy to be here,” he replied wetly, Hen’s arms wrapped tightly around him, and, well -

It was the truth. He was happy. Happier than he’d been in a long time. The happiest he’d ever been in his life, maybe. Happy, and free – and bisexual. Evan Buckley was bisexual. A bisexual man who had a date on Saturday, but he’d have time to freak out about that later.

For now, he was going to enjoy the way breathing came easier than it ever had done before.

#911 on abc #evan buckley #hen wilson #911 fic #in which i ramble #in which lorna writes fic #anyway. I’m full of emotions #enjoy #I posted this from my phone forgive my formatting mistakes etc

[keeskiwi]

I had a transgenderization surgery 1 month ago and I got the clear to stop wearing my post-op binder yesterday, and I keep feeling the desire to write out my thoughts somewhere but not knowing where, and then I remembered tumblr is The transgender website, so, you know, why not.

I had a double incision top surgery on January 30th. It feels pretty surreal in some ways. I first started experimenting with gender things in late 2010, grabbed a binder from Underworks in 2011, then kind of coasted along in a state of "well, a haircut, name change, and some new clothes have been working out for me mostly well enough and my breasts aren't that big anyway and maybe it's not a big deal even though every year I'll research if I can make my insurance cover it just in case and daydream a bit about something horrible happening that would require my breasts to get removed, with a side of quietly burning with envy when I see someone else get medical care for their dysphoria." For. A while.

Late 2022 I finally decided I would bring it up with my doctor, and after over a year of horrible insurance wrangling I finally ended up with a consult in early January, and then suddenly they called me back and said they could squeeze me in by the end of the month.

January 30th I got up at early-o-clock, went to the hospital, met my surgery team, got knocked out, and woke up with a new chest. I'm really glad I didn't have to travel for surgery and was back home that evening. Between that and having two partners (one of whom has had top surgery himself) to care for me afterwards, I feel really grateful.

Anyway yeah, this was the most significant surgery I've had before. It was your standard double incision, although I opted to go without nipple grafts, for a couple reasons:

I had heard that nips were kind of tricky healing-wise, and as a health-anxiety-prone kind of person I didn't really need the extra fear of something going wrong there in my life.

Especially because I didn't have any particular attachment to the idea of nipples in the first place. Sometimes I wonder if this was an extension of wearing a vaguely skin-tone binder for the past decade+. Any time I saw myself with a flattened chest, it was without nipples, because they were being hidden by the binder ha.

Additionally, a thing I've struggled with wrt medical transition is that it often feels like the goal for my agab is to transition towards masculinity, and while I'm okay being mistaken as male (especially over being mistaken as female) it's actually kind of important to me that I'm...not male? Masculinity as gender neutrality is something that really irritates me. I'm not any flavor of trans guy. So going no-nips felt like a way to make a conscious change to my body that was perpendicular to the masculinity/femininity binary.

And finally, while exploring the concept I found out that some people really hate the idea of people transitioning to having nippleless chests, because to be human is to have nipples (I guess?) so removing your nipples was trying to remove yourself from humanity (I??? guess???) and while there's a LOT to unpack there, as someone with only a passing identification with the concept of humanity I found this appealing in a "don't threaten me with a good time" kind of way.

Maybe I'll just get tattoos of wasps there instead.

The first time I saw myself at my first post-op was like--my chest is covered in incisions and tape and dried blood and marker and swelling but somehow it was still the most comfortable and appealing thing I had ever seen, and I keep feeling kind of amazed? I think that I had been really focused on like, specific Things I Could Do Post-Top Surgery, like wearing better-fitting T-shirts or taking my shirt off during the summer when it was hot, and I didn't fully realize just how...good it would be just existing? At first I thought it was hyperbolic thinking, but the more I consider it the more I feel that I've spent more time voluntarily looking at and interacting with my chest in the past month than I have the whole rest of my life. Some of it was forced aftercare from the surgery of course, but I lose a bunch of time each day just getting caught in front of mirrors. I didn't realize that I could like the way I look under my clothing so much.

And things like, realizing I've been saying "my chest [euphemistic, regretful]" in regards to my breasts my whole life, so I keep wanting to say "I don't have a chest anymore"--but the thing is, I do! I do have a chest still, and "my chest" is now something I feel happy to claim because I got to choose it. It's a little ouchy and lumpy and at the moment it looks like someone taped poison ivy to it because my skin finally got sick of the surgery tape and staged a revolt, but it's still the best chest I've had in living memory, and it's only going to get better from here.

I'm just really happy.

#in which I ramble #top surgery

[see-arcane]

In hindsight, the thing that really gets me about how things worked out during Dracula’s time playing host to Jonathan is that he could have been completely normal about, like, everything

Sure, sure, play up the eccentric elderly gentleman act, but just skip the whole ‘invade Jonathan’s privacy and give away the No Reflection problem followed by throwing his mirror out the window’ thing.

Maybe don’t actively entrap your nice solicitor friend who had, up until recently, been surprisingly chill with your general weirdness despite all the locals wailing at him to Beware Your Freaky Castle

How about using your own front door to go grocery and victim shopping instead of going scuttling in your lizard fashion? Or! OR! Turn yourself into mist like all your vampire lady friends can clearly do so as not to risk Jonathan seeing you act like a gecko on the cliffside

All these giveaways and his general spooky bullshit were entirely avoidable! Even being caught doing the housework by Jonathan could be explained away; or better yet, turned to his favor. Just say all the locals who were moaning about monsters are just so superstitious that he cannot pay anyone enough to stay on as staff (bar a certain carriage driver, but he does not have to live on the grounds). And he is not so feeble an old man that he cannot manage the company of his new friend, who has forgiven so many eccentricities of his already

Cue Jonathan ‘I Will Put Work and Manners Before My Own Life’ Harker immediately folding back on his suspicions like a deck of ashamed Victorian playing cards. To think he’d thought so ill of some lonely old man doing his best to keep up appearances for pride’s sake, his money only good in a faraway land because the place around him is so fearful of bogeymen! It would have flowed so easily from there--Dracula would’ve suckered (ha ha) him into redoubling on his social allowances, maybe even wheedled a proper introduction from the good solicitor on his return to England

Here is Count Dracula, who played attendant to a young man so below his station, simply for the sake of being a proper host. A noble! Taking care of the needs of a commoner just a half-step into the middle class! It’d read as eccentric bordering on endearing, if nothing else

But no. He had to pull the monster card at every turn. Had to play mind games. Had to actively fuck around and be a big obvious bloodsucking jerk about it.

Now, the obvious reason he decided to imprison, toy with, and ultimately promise Jonathan to his ladies as their new blood bag/boytoy is that the guy’s a sadist. Just plain old Capital E Evil. Just for giggles. Which doesn’t make sense when compared to his actions as a host. 

Because this is fucking Dracula. He could’ve broken every bone in Jonathan’s body but his right hand, forced all the information and paperwork he wanted out of the guy, and chucked him in his Girlfriend Cellar. The End

The fact that he does go out of his way to be charismatic, chatty, and caring of Jonathan’s needs and wants suggests something like a very warped earnestness. He doesn’t just want Harker for his plans. He wants Harker. Whether we go all the way down that homoerotic road with that want or not, it’s made clear in later chapters (and his own covetousness during the scene with the vampire babes) that Dracula isn’t just out to kill people off, he’s cherry-picking new members to add to his harem/collective/colony/Hematophagous Club

However bizarre or cruel or friendly*** he is about it, Dracula wants Jonathan in his thrall too.

Which, again, could have been done in a less obviously, pointlessly traumatizing way. Seeing as the Count is clearly not an idiot, this must have occurred to him too. So what the fuck happened, Vlad? My theory:

He might--might!--have originally planned to be much more lowkey about the vampire business. Maybe he even planned to let the dude go back to England, make his friendly intro of his good buddy the Count, and then get on with the biting. Instead, he got hit with the same impulse that will inevitably strike him when he get’s an eyeful of Lucy and Mina. Namely...

Dracula, pre-Jonathan: Okay, everything’s in order. No windows for the girls to get through, doors locked, rooms ready, kitchen full. Good, good. I’m ready to be extremely normal about this transaction.

Jonathan, handsome and winsome, warily trusting, radiating the hopeful good vibes of 1000 golden retrievers: Hi? <:)

Dracula, rewriting his entire game plan on the carriage ride back: Ohhh I can’t not be weird about this

#in which I ramble #honestly it could also just be about the power trip of it all #playing with a target while he's still considered a target #before the girls get to him and force him into their club #regardless he could've played it all out so much smoother #anyway #dracula #jonathan harker #dracula daily

[someoneoffthestreet]

Idk how to say it but- Insomniac Spider-Man is like:

love is the strongest thing you have, and it will destroy you. love is the thing that makes you reach for your better self, and it's the thing that makes you your worst. love is the buoy, love is the anchor, love is the albatross around your neck and the concrete around your feet. love is the truth, and love is the lie. love will save the world, as surely as it will destroy it. love is the thing you must hold on to, and the thing you must let go of. hold on. let go. hold on. let go. it’s a dance. life is the music that keeps playing long after you’ve stopped. you stop dancing so the music can still play.

#in which I ramble #Marvel #Spider Man #Spider Man 2 PS5 #spiderman spoilers #more to say: #the thread between Peter and Norman #where if Peter had chosen to save May then New York would have suffered #so he chose to save New York instead of her #vs Norman's repeated attempts to save Harry #causing New York to suffer over and over #and still he will not stop #Peter being saved by embracing the support system around him #vs Norman falling by pushing everyone away

[hwestalas]

I like to imagine Faramir waking up from a nightmare about the Witch-king, and Eowyn comforts him like, "He can't hurt you anymore, I killed him myself."

That's the best thing to be able to comfort someone with, isn't it?!

Who are Eowyn and Faramir, you ask?

(Oh, you didn't ask? You know Tolkien's works inside and out? *sigh* Well, let me explain anyway, I was "just dying to be asked!"*)

They're an** awesome wraith-busting duo from The Lord of the Rings!

Faramir once rode straight toward five Ringwraiths, which meant that he had not only exceptional courage but the ability to keep his horse calm enough that it would run toward a Ringwraith, which is practically impossible.

Eowyn killed him.

Not the horse - she would never kill a horse - I mean the chief Ringwraith. And not Faramir either; she just friendlisted him, but Faramir is amazingly durable and he survived. And eventually she fell in love with him too, and they got married and lived happily ever after, and it was wonderful!

*See chapter 1 of The Voyage of the Dawn Treader by C. S. Lewis

**The other awesome wraith-busting duo are Eowyn and Merry. Merry helped her kill the Witch-king. He was very helpful.

#lord of the rings #faramir #eowyn #merry brandybuck #ringwraiths #comfort #Merry is in the Notes #in which I ramble #a.k.a. bubble over #lotr spoilers

[dormarunt]

do u think berlin and palermo know each other already in the spinoff timeline?

Oof nonnie, I don't think even Pina knows how to answer that! 

Let's see what the official LCdP timeline says, hmmmm

I like to think that yes, they do know each. I remember making a post about the Berlermo timeline a while back (one that I can't find because Tumblr's search function is trash), but I remember coming to the conclusion that they met around 2004, when Andrés' police rep sheet starts.

I know that's a futile exercise because Pina plays fast and loose with the timeline, and at the launch party for Berlin last year, Pedro answered fan questions and when asked about "when" the spinoff would take place, he answered along the lines of "it takes place in a nebulous time/time outside time/doesn't matter".

So "official" answer - we don't know and I don't think we're even supposed to think about it.

My personal answer -

Based on some iPod shuffle that Keila wears in one scene we know the series takes place after 2010-2012, there's a scene (when Berlin goes into that bar to watch Camille play) where a cover of Demons by Imagine Dragons plays, and that was out in 2013.

If we are to believe Nairobi didn't pull the ten years number (for Martin being in love with Andres) out of her fine ass thin air, seeing how Berlin died in 2016-- the show could very well take place AFTER the chapel scene? Which makes no sense, because the chapel was where he married wife no 5.

Anyway, I gave it too much thought - yes, I like to think they know each other at that point, and Martin could very well be doing his own heist someplace else or is too busy sampling public saunas across Europe.

OR maybe they don't know each other yet, timelines are for suckers and season 2 gives us a Berlermo meet-cute in the Buenos Aires cafe (Martin pickpockets Andres and is intrigued when he figures out that none of the IDs or credit cards in his wallet have the same name)

#asks #Berlin Netflix #LCdP Berlin #IN WHICH I RAMBLE #BERLERMO ;___; #damn I'm sure I wrote “Martin pickpockets Andres in lieu of greeting” at least twice #which is not weird I just love the idea okay

[frozenwolftemplar]

Disney's 'Wish' comes out tomorrow, and I am content, because no matter the box office dollars it does or does not make, the awards it does or does not win, whether it becomes a modern classic or a flash in the pop culture pan that's all but forgotten by the time their 2024 film hits screens, I will, forever and always, be able to say that I posted the very first fanfic for it on Ao3.

#disney wish #wish #wish 2023 #in which i ramble #petty i know #but i'm still kinda of proud #fanfiction #fanfic

[pure-jeff-ward]

I asked you the other day about the jeffward_appreciation instagram because it looks like they are screenshotting some of the pics you have posted.

So I assumed they must be following your blog.

Imho I think it’s ok to share things if they come from public accounts. As Jeff and most of his colleagues are public figures they are able to control their own narrative but it’s a different story coming from private accounts like Jeff’s sister who is not part of the biz. And tagging his sister is just so weird. I just wish fans can be more respectful and self-aware.

ooooh I see, I see... well there is every chance they could be following my blog and are one of the many many 500+ followers I have now! hee! since none of the pics are actually mine, I don't mind getting them screenshotted, though I would hope they're giving credit to where it's due, but I don't know how IG works and all that so....

everything you said in that last paragraph is 100000% true!!!

"they are able to control their own narrative"

^^^ this is what it should be about and even though it seems like it's a very obvious thing, sometimes that's what people don't pause and think about when it comes to celebrity lives and their friends and family too - everything turns into a commodity in this media frenzied world we live in nowadays; it's also one reason why I've learned to ignore, unfollow and block negativity that has been very rampant in other fandoms I was a part of - I don't think we need to put celebs on pedestals and see them as this otherworldly type of a figure and then pull them down and comment on their appearances and make fun and joke around when we feel like it; actors are humans first and foremost, just like you and me and everyone else and I respect them so much for putting themselves in the spotlight because I would never be able to do that myself.

And I guess me highlighting that particular line and going on this tinyyy ramble after the fact also proves that sometimes - more often than not, the narrative gets out of their control and into the fan's hands, which... if it is done with respect and self-awareness can be a good thing... I could probably go on and on and on about this for a while! 😅 so I'll just end it here, thanks for letting me know though! :p

#anonymous #replies #jeff ward #in which i ramble #a bit #lol

[clockwrkpendrxgon]

“Go on, say it,” she grinned.

“Say what exactly?” he asked, looking somewhere between bemused and amused.

“That you’re scared I will beat you,” she taunted him and watched as his lips parted in surprise at her words.

He broke into a laugh at her words. “You really are something, aren’t you? You just keep proving it yourself out loud. That here lies nothing.” He tapped the side of his head twice.

Joyeuse gave him a considering look, refusing to show how much she was aggravated by his words once again. She let her eyes study the curve of his shoulders under the thin tunic he wore, his neither frail nor muscled arms under the sleeves, and clicked her tongue. “So, that makes two of us.”

The crowd made a noise at her words, along with his three friends who, she could see in her peripheral vision, were covering their mouths.

Joyeuse almost smiled at the reaction she received, and even noticed him fight back one before he spoke. “I’m years of training ahead of you, pretty one. Forget it, I’m not fighting you.” He shook his head, looking her up and down as if she were a seven year old that he was trying to get rid of.

Click. Joyeuse twisted the hilt of the blade, and the split short sword came away in two similar ones. She wasted no time in tossing one of them at the golden-haired boy. She tilted her head to the side once. “Or should I throw a glove down at your feet?”

If he had good swordsman skills, so did she.

- Excerpt from A Seal Over Thine Heart, a work in progress, which I didn’t know where to go with so

#here we are #how do i tag this #so there's that #in which i ramble #a little something #how do we feel about this #sneak peek #i have been thinking #for absolutely no reason #oc stuff #is this a thing? #writing #royalty #pls be nice #magic #ya fantasy #original story

[capseycartwright]

let’s get lost between the lines

ao3 link

“You handled that well,” Tommy said, as they left the restaurant and stepped out into this cool evening air. His words were soft, and gentle – genuine, even. As though he really meant it. Buck was baffled, frankly.

“I handled that with as much grace as an elephant doing ballet,” Buck glared at his - his date? - incredulously. “Tommy, did you hit your head? Are you concussed? Do I need to take you to the emergency room?”

or, after the eddie shaped hiccup of their first date, buck and tommy walk and talk - about coming out and why buck deserves a nice boyfriend.

Buck feels as though he’s swinging wildly between a panic attack and some sort of mental breakdown, heart thundering against his ribcage as he and Tommy finally leave the restaurant. It wasn’t how he’d want their first date - his first date with a man - to go, but then Eddie had appeared with Marisol on his arm and sat down with them, apparently completely oblivious to the fact that he was interrupting a date, and not a just a bro-hang (his words - not Bucks. Because Eddie was nothing if not an embarrassing old man stuck in a thirty-two-year-olds body.)

Tommy hadn’t corrected Eddie about the true nature of their outing, as Eddie had rambled on, hovering over the table, completely oblivious to what he was interrupting. Buck had never been more grateful for the fact that Tommy had already slid his credit card into the folder with the bill, their meal finished before Eddie and Marisol had even gotten seated at their own table. The waitress coming over to return Tommy’s card, and hand him a receipt, had been the perfect excuse for them to leave after fifteen of the worst minutes of Bucks life, making an excuse that he and Tommy had bought tickets to the movies. (“It’s sci-fi,” Buck had shrugged, impressed at the way he was internalising his own panic attack as he managed to splutter a sentence out. Eddie had looked almost hurt, when Buck had blurted that he and Tommy were going to the cinema without him. “You wouldn’t like it.”)

“You handled that well,” Tommy said, as they left the restaurant and stepped out into this cool evening air. His words were soft, and gentle – genuine, even. As though he really meant it.

Buck was baffled, frankly.

“I handled that with as much grace as an elephant doing ballet,” Buck glared at his - his date? - incredulously. “Tommy, did you hit your head? Are you concussed? Do I need to take you to the emergency room?”

Tommy laughed, the sound an utter delight to Buck’s ears. He was quickly learning that he loved the sound of Tommy’s laugh. “No, I’m not concussed,” he rolled his eyes, feigning offence. “It was a genuine compliment. I think you handled that really well, Evan.”

Buck filed the gooey feeling he got in the pit of his stomach he got when Tommy called him ‘Evan’ away to obsess over at another time. “R-really?” he hated the way he sounded so unsure, so uncertain – but he knew he needed to start embracing his own discomfort in the midst of all of this. Being – being newly bisexual was going to be uncomfortable, for a while, but Buck was realising it wasn’t a bad sort of uncomfortable. Weirdly, it was a good uncomfortable – like Buck was growing into his own skin, learning how to feel himself for the first time in his life. It would just take a little while, and it would take a few uncomfortable moments for him to figure out what this new version of Evan Buckley actually looked like.

No - not new. The true version.

“Yes, really,” Tommy nodded. He paused, glancing back at the restaurant. “How about we take a walk?” he suggested, gesturing vaguely at the miles of boardwalk and beach ahead of them. “I’m not in a rush – unless you are.”

“A walk sounds nice,” Buck agreed easily, because he didn’t want to go home just yet – and he didn’t want their date, however awkward and disastrous it had been, to end just yet. He liked spending time with Tommy.

They walked along in silence for a few minutes, Buck blushing like a schoolkid as he and Tommy’s shoulders bumped together.

“Look – coming out isn’t easy. It’s something you have to do over, and over again, for the whole of your life,” Tommy began. “I used to think that you did it once, and that was it, but you come out every time you meet someone new, every time you start a new job. It gets easier, with time, right? At some point – you come out so many times, it feels as familiar as breathing. But those first few times – those are hard.”

“I didn’t even come out,” Buck pointed out.

“You don’t have to,” Tommy shrugged. “And you’re deliberately not listening to my point.”

Buck couldn’t help but grin. “I like to be obtuse sometimes. Explain it to me again?”

“You think you’re cute,” Tommy poked Buck in the side, clearly enjoying the way it made Buck squirm. “My point is, the first time you say those words to someone – your friends, your family – it’s hard. It’s okay to give yourself some time to prepare, to not want to do it right away.”

“Shouldn’t – shouldn’t I want to come out?”

“It’s not an obligation,” Tommy shrugged, gently redirecting Buck to a bench. It was a peaceful spot, the sound of the waves lapping against the shore a peaceful sound as they sat. “Society is like – it’s structured in a way that makes it so if you’re queer, there’s this expectation that you have to divulge these deeply personal things about yourself to everyone you meet. It’s not exactly fair, is it?”

Buck had never thought about it that way before. “No,” his brow furrowed. “It’s not very fair at all.”

“If you don’t want to come out, you don’t have to,” Tommy said. “But it does feel good to come out. If I can give you some like – advice, I guess. It’s a freeing feeling.”

“I’d like to come out,” Buck managed after a minute or two of silence. “I’ve been thinking about it since – since you kissed me,” he paused, feeling heat rise in his cheeks as he looked at Tommy. Tommy, to his credit, tried to swallow his pleased smile. “I feel more like myself than I ever have before. Like – like there was a part of me that was missing, and I didn’t even know it wasn’t there, and now I know it what it is, and what was missing, I feel more like myself than I ever have before in my life.”

Tommy’s smile was bright. “I’m glad to hear that, Buck.”

“I’d like to come out,” Buck repeated, twisting so he could face Tommy. “I just wasn’t prepared to do it on our first date, if I’m honest.”

“And that’s why I’m telling you that you handled it well,” Tommy nudged. “You knew you weren’t ready to have that conversation, there and then, so you came up with an excuse, and got us out of there.”

“You got us out of there,” Buck pointed out. Tommy had been the one to play along and say they’d be late for the movie, if they didn’t leave, there and then. “I didn’t even say thank you for buying dinner. I’m such a bad first date.”

Tommy raised an eyebrow. “I think you’re a great first date.”

Buck huffed out a disbelieving breath. “I was basically mid-panic attack the entire time, Tommy, you don’t have to lie to me to save my feelings.”

“I’m not lying,” Tommy shrugged. “If there’s one thing you should know about me, Evan, it’s that I don’t lie. You’ll probably be sick of my honesty, in a few weeks.”

“In a few weeks? You – you want to keep doing this?”

“Why do you sound so unsure? Have I done something to make you think I don’t want to keep doing this?”

“N-no,” Buck paused for a second. “It’s kind of the opposite, actually.”

Tommy was quiet, giving Buck the space – and the silence – he needed to collect his thoughts. Buck was grateful for it.

“I don’t have the best dating history,” Buck admitted. “One day, further down the line, when I’m sure you’re not going to run away, I’ll tell you all the reasons why – but it sort of all boils down to childhood trauma and my deep-rooted abandonment issues,” he tried his best to give Tommy a smile, turn the admission into a joke. “So, I just – I end up picking the wrong people to date. I chase the wrong people. And now – now you’re here, and you’re being so kind, and understanding, I don’t really know what to do with it.”

“You could enjoy it,” Tommy offered, and it sounded so simple, when Tommy put it that way. Buck could just enjoy it. He could enjoy dating a man – a kind, sweet, very handsome man. He could enjoy the way he felt entirely out of his depth when Tommy offered him nothing but kindness, expecting nothing in return.

He could enjoy it.

He wanted to enjoy it.

“How the hell are you real?” Buck couldn’t help but breathe out, shaking his head. Tommy was just – a dream come true, in so many ways, and Buck didn’t know how he got so lucky to have him be interested in Buck. It felt so new, and exciting – none of the existential dread Buck normally felt as he tried to make relationships fit into his life when clearly, they never would.

He could see how Tommy could fit into his life. They worked the same job, so Tommy understood the crazy hours and long shifts. Tommy already knew so many of Buck’s most important people – and liked them – and he liked Buck. He actually liked Buck.

It seemed silly, to keep coming back to that, but Buck hadn’t always felt as though the people he dated him, really liked him. Abby liked the idea of him. Taylor liked the story they made. Natalia liked the fact he had died. Buck didn’t exactly have the best track record of people liking him for who he was, flaws and all – and okay, after one date, Tommy didn’t know his flaws so intimately, but he’d just witnessed Buck having a meltdown in a restaurant and he wasn’t running away.

He was sitting on a bench, listening to Buck.

Buck could definitely enjoy that.

“My mom hasn’t spoken to me since I came out,” Tommy said, after a few more minutes of silence. Buck’s expression must have turned to one of absolute horror, because Tommy gave him a reassuring look. “You told me something about yourself – so I’m telling you something about me.”

“Tommy, that’s horrible – I’m sorry.”

Tommy shrugged. “I’d be lying if I said it was okay,” he hummed thoughtfully. “But one of my very favourite things about being queer is that you find a family for yourself in this community. You know? Well – of course you know. You’ve done that with the 118.”

Buck shuffled a little closer. “I’d like to do that with the queer community too. As long as you don’t mind being my like – gay Yoda.”

Tommy snorted, the sound an utter delight amongst all the background noise of the boardwalk, people going about their Saturday evenings, unaware that Buck was having the most life-changing night of his life. “You’re secretly such a nerd,” he shook his head. “I’m happy to be your gay Yoda, Buck.”

“Yeah, but – what do you get out of it?”

Tommy fixed him with a look. “Buck,” he reached out, hand brushing against Buck’s palm. “I get to have you.”

And –

Oh.

Was that enough?

“It’s enough,” and oh – Buck must have said that part out loud, Tommy’s expression endearingly soft as he nudged Buck. “I promise. You’re more than enough.”

Buck would probably cry, if he spoke there and then, so he settled for doing something he’d been wanting to do since Tommy had knocked on his door at exactly eight pm that evening, and he leaned in and kissed him. It was a chaste kiss, soft, and sweet, a brief press of lips that still sent tingles down Buck’s spine as they broke apart.

He’d just kissed a man – in public.

That felt a lot like progress.

“I – I hope I’m not being too forward, when I ask this,” Tommy’s face was flushed in a way that Buck could only be delighted with. He’d made the other man blush. “But do you maybe want to come back to mine? Not – not for anything like that. I just don’t want this date to be over, and we could watch a movie.”

Buck had absolutely zero fucking intentions of watching a movie if he got to go inside of Tommy’s apartment. “Yeah,” he smiled, hooking a pinky finger around Tommy’s, not quite ready to hold his hand just yet. “A movie sounds great.”

#911 on abc #911 #evan buckley #tommy kinard #bucktommy #in which i ramble #in which lorna writes fic #anyway. the brain rot continues

[liarys]

I know fans of his older music are so hype rn

#bad bunny #nadie sabe lo que va a pasar mañana #bb #in which lia says things #in which i ramble

[see-arcane]

I for one would love for you to elaborate on your Jonathan Harker = PTSD-Affected Other Human theory. It sounds really intriguing.

The gist is that Jonathan, whether he was carrying some innate supernatural potential or it was all born of Dracula's influence (bitten in or through other occult means), was 'set off' when all that Transylvanian fun happened, ditto the mess in England. I'd hesitate to say it was due to just plain stress--the dude's fresh out of law school and if stress was all it took to make him go Otherworldly, he'd have been quite interesting to see during the exam--so we'll say it's strictly the supernatural factor.

Call it stimuli, call it stressors, call it whatever. Dracula's actions and presence have been connected with every change in Jonathan Harker's shifting mental/physical state. Crawling the walls, leaving the first and only non-holy scar with the shovel, turning white-hair washed-out in literal seconds while learning about Mina's attack, the berserker moments with the Kukri, and, oh yeah, deadlifting a full fucking coffin of dirt and its vampire bastard-passenger; it all reads like the equivalent of a stone rolling faster and faster downhill in terms of his development.

Note, a sporadic development. Because unlike the vampire business or werewolves or what-have-you, Jonathan Harker's change into Something Else takes a break! Post-fever*, (*fine enough explanation for the hospital, but I wonder), Jonathan does remarkably well at maintaining his old self, not counting his nervousness. He's a boiling pot of water taken off the heat, cooling, cooling, all's fine...

...Until he crosses paths with the Count again. Until the night with Mina happens. Then he's a pot of water thrown into a furnace. He and his bodily changes increase only when Dracula's pulling his vampiric bullshit. While the man did and clearly will suffer a heaping dose of PTSD over the whole situation, the Otherworldy/Inhumanlike aspects are not a past-tense thing. It's a 'The More Exposed I Am to Count Douchebag's Radius/Activity, the More I Will Adapt and Change to Be the Thing THAT FUCKS UP HIS WHOLE UNLIFE.'

And so he does, in glorious fashion. Which leads me to another thought--and one that's at the crux of a little hefty something I'm writing--and that's this:

While a name is never put to just what Jonathan Harker's deal is by the end of the book (and a million kudos to all my fellow red-stringers out there coming up with theories), I like to think that out of the whole Vampire Hunter Gang, Jonathan Harker was the only one being altered into an entity whose purpose/talent was specifically to take down vampires. Because, really, I cannot stop thinking about that vivid, unhealed, permanent red scar on Dracula's brow. The hair? The strength? The increasing rabid hunting dog energy the longer the story goes on? All that I can almost ignore as Stoker getting creative with Harker's vendetta vibes.

But that scar. From something so mundane as a shovel blade, not sacred, not blessed. Just a plain old spade from (what seems like) an ordinary man doing the extraordinary without explanation.

That smells a lot like something there to fill a particular bogeyman niche. There's always a counterbalance in nature, and so there should be in the supernatural. Something that's been keeping the undead numbers down even in the eras when there was no holy crucifix or garlic or wafers to brandish. We always think 'werewolves' when we imagine a monstrous foe to the bloodsuckers, but...

My money is on something a little more prone to making sure the dead stay dead. Turning the Nosferatu back into proper carrion and such.

Say, something with a taste for old dead meat. Something that was brought up before by a few of our red-yarn brigade.

If you have a problem with the living dead, send in (or create) something whose specialty is consuming the dead back.

Send in a ghoul.

#in which I ramble #and speculate that Jonathan got rid of that vampire problem just in time to avoid any more steps in his possible transformation #vampires drink the living #ghouls devour the dead #makes a certain kind of awful sense #anyway #dracula spoilers #dracula #dracula daily #spoilers #jonathan harker #monster jonathan harker #theory #ghoul

[someoneoffthestreet]

when Keyleth broke off from the team in ep5, I thought of Marisha saying at some point that if the group had ignored her aramente too long, Keyleth would have left. Keyleth in the show is a lot meeker than her stream counterpart, so having her end up actually doing this felt particularly striking to me, especially when it was Vax that she had to push back against. it feels to me like the show is taking her journey of becoming a leader and enhancing it a little by having her learn to stand on her own two feet and make her own decisions. (further, I think the moment also ties back to Osysa’s taunting about her “fleeing her duties” and maybe the remembrance of that helped spur her into flying off; like Vax was talking about how they needed to stay on-task, but Pyrah is Keyleth’s task, it’s her responsibility and her duty to check in and help any way she can.)

#in which I ramble #Critical Role #The Legend of Vox Machina #Keyleth #on Vax's end- it's a little bit like #yeah he's just had a great trauma and paradigm shift and is currently experiencing The Horrors #but I feel like this ''detour'' with Pyrah was a good reminder for him that #''yes you're currently Going Through It but your friends have their own needs that require addressing'' #''partly because they're your friends and you should want to help them'' #''but also because if you want to keep team morale up you're going to need to help them to *some* degree'' #anyway #don't listen to me I'm rambling

[keeskiwi]

Tagged by @1ore to post five songs I've been listening to... Uncharacteristically for me I haven't been looping songs a bunch recently, but checking what I've listened to a couple times the past week or so--

Dig a Little Hole by Elliott BROOD - Little folksy earworm

Frog on the floor by 100 gecs - So I have only listened to this once or twice the past week, but I have been singing it to myself Constantly, so I feel that it counts.

Ten Speed (Of God's Blood & Burial) by Coheed and Cambria - Ten Speed showed up in the obscure blorbo poll and I got excited and listened to it on repeat during my biking workout on Wednesday.

Syndicate by The Fray - found a The Fray cd while unpacking boxes and was blasted back to high school

Ruinous by Go! Child - yes this is an Undertale song, yes it goes hard

So kind of... all over the place.

I don't like tagging people, but if you, dear reader, decide you would like to share some songs with me, please feel free :)

#in which i ramble #music

[wackybuddiemewbs]

Okay, caught up to the episode fully at long last.

And holy fuckin' shit. Buck!whumpees getting served... all of the pain and angst and yikes and the coma.

Some things I just need to spew out, even though none of it makes sense or is supposed to, but I just need to get it out of the system.

Bobby and Buck

The parallel of Bobby holding the baby and then later holding on to Buck as he's lowered down... OMFG. The fact that he says similar words "c'mere, kid", "c'mon, kid"... I just can't. They're so sick for this. And I'm so sick for this. This is so sick, sick, sick. And I'm here for it, crying my eyes out.

Also, magnificent callback to how the two began and how they clashed in the first ever episode. As I've mentioned in a previous post, I'd LOVE (and be deaded by it) to see Bobby coming more into his own as a father figure for Buck. It's something he's more or less shied away from, as he's done with Athena's kids, until a life-threatening situation come along. And boy, here it is.

Time to make that adoption official, Bobby. Boy's up for grabs.

Also also, the chili scene (weird name, but hey). For one, we get kind of a reverse between the two (Buck doing the cooking, Bobby going down internet research rabbit holes, which is a very Buck thing to do). But then Buck asking about the secret ingredient (and it ain't about the chili). And while Bobby provides him with the answer to perfect the dish, Buck's still none the wiser about what the secret ingredient is to bring his life to perfection.

Am I going to make a stupid joke about chocolate brown eyes factoring into this? No? Good that we all agree that this would be very embarrassing. But still, Eddie totally is the cocoa in that recipe, is all I'm saying.

Also also also, eternally interesting that we have Bobby struggling to move forward after his sponsor's death. And my guessing is that Buck's future now being on the line might just be the right catalyst to break him out of that vicious cycle. Like, him not giving up on figuring out what happened to his friend is good and right (and May's on the right track with it all... even though I am not a fan of civilian investigator doing this because they somehow can for reasons of their parents being in the profession... not a fan of those story lines, even though I love both May and Athena here).

But. There is a level of "obsession" to sticking to the past with Bobby, instead of looking for ways to move forward again. And Buck's accident as well as the recovery might serve just that purpose. To make Bobby see that he has new things to hold on to, a future to live towards. Because he's needed. Like, earlier on in the season, Bobby's been thinking about how the house is empty with the kids out (and he instantly adopted a dog because that guy is just dad shaped). To me, it felt like Bobby's been a bit lost well before things went down with his sponsor.

What's interesting to me is that this is something he shares in with Buck, even though they have very different ways of going about it.

Buck's basically on the opposite trajectory (leaving out the Daniel remark for the moment). Buck is not too invested in looking into the past, he's obsessed with the future (anyone thinking about those software updates again?). He is very much focused on looking ahead (helping to create a life that will reach further into the future, trying to find happiness that lies in the future, etc.).

Also, I will just say. Bobby dares to say "son" instead of "kid" at some point of this arc, I will lose it. Absolutely fuckin' lose it. And I will also totally lose any remaining shit I've got left in me if we see that guy praying for Buck. I cannot. I just cannot.

Buck noticing the small things but losing the big picture out of sight

Gotta say, I loved how they've built up the tension, and I felt like it reflected a lot in Buck noticing "small" things, until the big thing hit him in a flash. Buck saw the gasoline and stopped with the saw before sparks could fly. Crisis averted. He notices that the chili is missing a key ingredient. He is aware (has no real illusions) about how his parents may have just wanted to win an argument and how they do not approve of his life choices. He kept tabs on who went up the ladder truck when, which is why he knows it's his turn now. He notices something's off about the sounds in the sky. And then, hit in a flash.

In a way, I find that somewhat reflective of what we've seen with Buck thus far. Sure, he's made some truly life-changing decisions (hence big pictures). But in his quest for "true happiness" he's been all over the place.

He took inventory, got that armchair instead of a damned couch (obsessed about said couch to a very confused Bobby). Started with those self-help books. He hears about how Lucy may have been interim captain, which has him wonder about the big picture of where he fits in the firehouse in the future. The donor vs. dad thing - and how "the small deed" of filling a cup contributes to the big picture for someone else. Lev and him talking about what's potentially in store for him and Buck thinks the big milestones (wife, kids, house, you name it) are still on the horizon for him. But that's really just the details.

So my guessing is that they may want to hit the point home that Buck looks at the whole of it. To figure out what his true happiness is (and that he already has most of it, maybe just need that one co-worker to smooch him for good).

Parenthood

I felt like it was a very interesting choice that parenthood (and to a larger degree fatherhood, I felt) was at the forefront in an episode that ended on this... high note. Especially since one infamous father and certified DILF was not at all that present for that convo.

Like, I found it very deliberate that Eddie didn't factor into the fatherhood storyline as he normally would have. Because that is what we normally have when Buck's supposed to relate to his own position towards fatherhood, tangling things up with Eddie and Christopher (which, you know, Buddie).

Part of it, going by the stills, will be that they save it up for next week's episode (so I may never stop crying in my entire life over Christopher being at Buck's bedside). But I find it very interesting that they "removed" Christopher and Eddie as filters for Buck to reflect fatherhood through. And now we may very well get Eddie having to reflect on it without the Buck filter. Which is to say: He has to think about what it'd be like to be a father to Christopher without Buck in the picture. Which is interesting. To say the least. And potentially very, very gay. In the best possible way. Anywho.

Then we had other (grand-) father figures (Philip and Chim's father). I'm still pretty blank on what they wanna do with Chim and his father, to be honest. Also, Albert's way of acting keeps striking me as though there's more to it. I'm not yet sure what it is, but we'll have to see. I found it wonderful to have Hen tell Chimney that he should use his chance to say what he has to say (and reach some kind of conclusion that she's never gotten). After his father deprived him of the chance for all those years. And I do hope it offers him healing. But yeah, I'd have to sit on that a while longer.

So on to Philip... still somewhat a mystery to me, that dude. Like, was he really invested in "defending" his son, or was he - as Buck noted - maybe just not willing to let Chim's father have the last word on it? I am honestly unsure. I felt like him and Margaret were making an effort (as Chim noted, only on their best behavior). But I'm not entirely sure if that's coming from a genuine place of wanting to mend things with their kids. Or if they are much more focused on having that relationship with Jee as grandparents (you know, fresh starts and all). Like, as sweet as it was to see Margaret goof around with Jee (and what may come to highlight how far she's come along with her therapy)... it might also be rather bitter in the end. That she can be like this to her grandchild - but not to her own children.

What both fathers share in, to me at least, is how vastly different they are from Bobby as a father figure for Buck (and how inferior, really). Bobby's offering of advice and support comes from a genuine place, it always did. He helps Buck grow, and he's not really concerned to win an argument or to appear as the "better dad" or whatever. Even though he is. Dad shaped man, oh you. Like, it's not about appearances for him. But I feel like for Buck's actual parents, to a degree, it still is. Maybe they'll overcome that, but... I'm not sure.

Speaking of, the Buckley parents. Christ almighty, why does Margaret have to be so cringe sometimes? I guess this proved where Buck got this from at long last, because yeah, that's his mom right there. But. Oh. My. God. Why. Are. You. Like. This???

She really strikes me as the kind of mom that would've made everyone uncomfortable at any kind of school thing (and kudos to the actress for portraying it so well). She's so uptight and weird about it. But she's also nosy, while struggling so hard to let anyone see what cards she's got in her hand. Like, ugh. I can't with those kinds of people.

Her first impulse being that Buck would have a photo of Maddie's sonogram on his phone was both cringe and also so... devastating in a way? Like, great set-up for Buck's character arc here, but... that her first thought's not "oh, my son might be a father!" but that it's "oh, my daughter is gonna be a mom again, and he is also there to be an uncle again!" ... It is very telling, I believe.

Because Margaret and Philip didn't really compute Buck as that kind of person. And I do believe it was a deliberate contrast, after we opened the episode with Buck being great with the kids by the beach. Like, we as the audience know how great Buck is with kids, but for his parents, that's a total mystery.

Which is the absolute antithesis to Eddie telling Buck that he's Christopher's legal guardian. Eddie saw all this time that Buck's dad shaped, too. To the Buckley parents, he's still... anything but that. Margaret literally says to him that he's a "miracle baby", hence not really recognizing him as a rational, capable adult on his quest towards his own sense of fatherhood (son, not father). They still see him more as the troublemaker not ready to settle, it feels like.

Also, "miracle baby". Margaret. Why (yes, I know, for narrative purposes, but OMFG, lady, what the flying fuck's wrong with you???). The Buckley parents continue to push this idea of Buck being a miracle for as long as he provides services to others (either by saving or creating lives). They still have seemingly not grasped how important it is for them to recognize Buck's inherent value as a person and not just as a miracle that keeps on giving.

Also, the wording is just so... cringe. No, he's not a miracle baby. He never was. He was conceived to perform the miracle they could not, with the expectation of being the miracle bringer (and that he later on believed he disappointed said miracle by not being able to save Daniel). Like, Margaret, that's not a miracle baby. That's still a savior sibling you wanted to produce. Even if you put the miracle label on top, that changes nothing about the circumstance.

And if the writers want for them to learn that lesson... it certainly is the right place and time to teach them that. And if not... it will show what stuff they're actually made of, I guess. We'll have to see. As I said in a previous post, I don't know where they want to take the Buckley parents (more towards "redemption" or as the ultimate reminder of the reality that some people won't change out of their ways and that there are those relationships beyond repair).

On a quick side note: Gotta love the parenthood storyline with Hen and Denny. And the detail of her picking up baseball with Eddie when Denny started with it. Oh, I love her. I'll be interested to see how all of that plays out. I just feel like more trouble's ahead.

But. Back to Lightning McQueen I mean Evan (won't ever get over Oliver's facial journey there) I mean Buck and the parenthood issue. Like, I do believe that if we get an alternate scenario (that may very well answer the question what life would be like for him if he had indeed been the miracle baby to save Daniel), Buck will be brought to the realization that the big picture is already in place. With Eddie and Christopher and the 118 and Maddie.

Like, I can very well see them giving him "everything" of the things he told Lev were still on the horizon for him. Only to be dissatisfied, or desperately trying to get back to his reality. Because this is where he belongs. Those are the people he belongs with. And he doesn't need to hold on to a "dream" of being more than the donor in Connor's and Kameron's life to find fulfillment as a person, as a father. Because he's that to Christopher already, a co-parent. And I do believe they might hit that point home for him at long last. And it'd be epic.

In a Flash

I guess I don't have much to add. Everyone's basically expressed my views on it already. The tragic beauty of the red string connecting Buck and Eddie, both getting hit by the same bolt of lightning. Eddie crying out for Buck. Eddie coming to Buck's rescue, his own safety be damned. The Pieta-esque shot when Buck's being lowered to the ground. Eddie doing the whole "move, I'm gay" to get to Buck. Time standing still, only to jump forward after it all happened. The ending of the helmet on the ground... *chef's kiss*

You already are a family

That one struck me a bit. Because Eddie noting that to Buck is great foreshadowing, for one thing. But it might also prove to be the narrative reversal I'd so desperately crave. That Eddie says to Buck "We're already a family." That Buck is part of his family. And that Buck comes to the realization that he is already part of that family and doesn't need to be part of a dream family (his own that never was), or the one Kameron and Connor are building. That he wraps up his inventory and knows that what he wants is what he got - if only he gets to fully embrace his role as father figure to Christopher and certified DILF for Eddie.

Buck and Eddie (duh)

Did you think I'd end this post without obsessing a bit longer about Buddie specifically??? Yeah, no. I'm still not over all the angsty goodness we were given. I'm still at the edge of my seat over what's going on with Eddie (and Christopher) next episode. Will Eddie revert to his old ways and try to be stoic about it to keep face in front of Christopher? Will he break down in the face of the danger of losing yet another partner? Will he pull a Buck and get back into dating to cover up his feelings? Will Eddie's voice bring Buck back? Will it be Christopher's? Will Eddie take Buck's hand and beg him to stay with him? I don't know. All of it would be so epic. And I still can't wrap my head around all of those wonderfully awful options.

Like, there's great potential for Buck to reach some epiphanies, but they are just as well in store for Eddie here. Not only will he be confronted with the reality that he may have to raise Christopher without Buck's presence. But he will also have to reflect hard on why he made the choice to name that man Christopher's legal guardian. Because he could've died up on that ladder all the same, and then Christopher would've been "alone". Like, Eddie will have to think hard about that one. And he'll have to think even harder about why Buck is that person for him. What it means to him personally that he gave Buck that role in not just Christopher's but also in his life.

Plus, we may finally, finally, finally get them to talk about their shared traumas of either having witnessed the other nearly die... or nearly dying. Like, this is a gun that's been hanging on the wall for quite some time now. Time to fire it, right? *pew pew* Because they got very comfortable letting their talks run through the Christopher filter. They do things in Christopher's best interest. But what they still have to do is to talk honestly to each other about this. And that may open the door to something else. And that something else is very, very gay.

So yeah. I'm... not really coherent at this point. This episode was too much. And i may have to sit on that a while longer. Until then: Happy return of the weewoos and the ouchies, peeps!

Cheers!

#911 spoilers #911 season 6 #911 season 6 spoilers #evan buck buckley #evan buckley #eddie diaz #bobby nash #in which I ramble

[essentiallykpopandbl]

It's that time again.... time for me to talk about my feelings after the episode of 180 degree longitude passes through us. So strap in because this episode was rough.

I always talk about how amazing Pond is in this show. And he is, but I don't want to make it seem like Nike isn't also amazing. It is the complete and utter pain these two can play their characters with that has me a sobbing mess each week. If these two didn't understand their characters and couldn't make the audience feel what they are feeling, this whole show wouldn't work.

But today, the episode touched on parallels, and that is what stuck with me. In's whole emotional scene where he tells Wang about him and Siam parallels Wang's friend from boarding school admitting his feelings to Wang. And what we see is two very different ways our main characters handled that. Wang approached it with understanding. He was scared but he didn't run from it. He entered into that relationship, or as much of a relationship as they actually had, without fear of what that relationship was, more of how it caused him to fit into the world. But In was terrified. He ran and hid from the truth. Built walls and traveled far distances to keep from facing that fact. And because of it, his love started to spiral. Wang's friend is better off, at a good school, and learning how to accept this world. We saw the opposite for Siam. And after Siam's death, In bares all the responsibility. He blames himself and his cowardice for what happened. And I think that is very telling of where we are going from here. We are watching two fundamentally different individuals trying to heal from the same event. The problem is they are approaching it from different sides and need a different type of healing. Wang is curious and wants answers. He knows those answers might hurt, but he needs the truth to move on from this event. However, that moment was when In hit rock bottom. He is so devastated from Siam's death that he has not been able to move on. And here is Wang in front of him, and all In can see is Siam. He was talking to Wang as if he was Siam. Apologizing for his actions, and Wang (as Siam) was trying to forgive him. But Wang is not Siam. It does not matter if he looks the same. Wang truly can not give In the forgiveness that he needs. And the more Wang tries, and the more In accepts that forgiveness from Wang, the more messed up this relationship will be. In needs to forgive himself. The fact that he did not answer the phone call at night even after the talk with Wang tells me that he is still not OK. That In knows what Wang told him is not going to make up for years of hurt. And we as the audience are watching two people who love each other very much struggle with the fact that what they love about the other is tied to another person. In understands love is not always between 2 people, but Wang doesn't think that way. He doesn't see that his father is so engraved into this relationship he wants with In. And that is what worries me about these two. That they are entering into a relationship where they are relying on each other to accept themselves and that is not healthy.

All that said, I could be way off base here, it wouldn't be the first time. This show very well could want to prove me wrong. And I really hope it does. But I am a little scared for my poor babies who I love so dearly.

#180 degree longitude passes through us #in which i ramble #i know many might not agree #but i am worried after this episode #these two are so broken #and so hurt #and them both acting like Wang was Siam is not ok #it shattered my heart #pond ponlawit #inwang #nike and pond